All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E19 - Aid Station (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

What is this?

Something and eggs.

The yellow stuff
is the eggs.

This looks familiar.

I once cut that up
in med school.

I know.

They're little
Italian cigars.

I'll have mine
after the theater.

I'll eat what you don't want.

Your death wish
is my command.

HAWKEYE: Two mounds of mashed
potatoes for breakfast?

I think I used to go
steady with that tray.

We could patent
that, you know?

Potato falsies.

Foul mouths! There is
a lady present.

Well, where is there
a lady present?

Now there's a lady present.

What's this morning's
breakfast?

Last night's dinner.

Great. That was
yesterday's lunch.

Will you darn foolskis
kindly cut the gabble-gabble?

"Darn foolskis"?

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention.
Officers' call will be held

in Colonel Blake's office
at 0700 hours.

Is that A.D. or B.C.?

I don't know. I was never
too sure about Henry.

Waitress, they're not
paying their check!

Oh!

FRANK: It was just another
disgraceful display

of the lack of discipline.

I don't think
it's asking too much

for officers to be
military at breakfast.

I can't throw up and salute
at the same time.

I see Private Carter
has come down

with carnal flu again.

-Get out of there!
-Yes, sir.

Can we be of some
service, Colonel?

Got an emergency
at the front, Father.

You're at the wrong
place, Radar.

The emergency's
at the front.

Radar,
have you got that--

Here's the message
from I Company, sir.

"I Company aid station
sustained heavy shelling.

"MASH 4077 to provide
trained personnel

until replacements arrive."

That's it.

That's it?
Did they enclose a check?

I Company's a cheap outfit.

Well, they could've
sent something.

Their surgeon's
been killed.

They need a new cutter,
scrub nurse, and a corpsman.

That's all, huh?

Look, this is
a very dangerous mission.

I'm not gonna blow any
sunshine up your skirts.

Any volunteers?

I'll go.

What about a surgeon?

Sure got quiet.

I don't want anything I say
to be misinterpreted.

All right, fair is fair.
We'll draw straws.

Uh, sir, no straws.

Well, what have you got?

Um, sausage
from breakfast.

I told you they weren't
meant to be eaten.

Okay, whoever draws the
short sausage volunteers.

Good luck... Hawk.

I should be excused.
I'm single.

I have the most kids.

You're making
a mockery of this!

I wouldn't make a mockery

of drawing burnt sausages
out of a bed pan

to pick a volunteer
for the Purple Heart.

[rattling]

Frank.

[chuckling]

I don't suppose there are
three long sausages in there?

No, sir.

Then I volunteer.

Hi, bunkie.

Welcome aboard.

HENRY: Okay, okay.

Now I gotta find, uh, someone
to do the corpsman job.

I have the personnel cards
right here, sir.

Just my luck,
I'll get a lemon.

Pick one.

HAWKEYE: I don't
trust you, Henry.

You always got something
up your sleeve.

Oh, that's fine. All right,
Father, you pick one.

Uh, you do
trust Father Mulcahy?

It says I should
on all my money.

If you can't
believe your money,
who can you believe?

Well...

here we go.

Terrific.

I'm knocking my brains out
to get sent home.

This assignment will
get me there in a box.

-Oh, no.
-If I don't come back,

this pink strapless number
should go to that big job--

the blonde from Minneapolis.

Yeah, she'll keep it up.

She's built like
a brick blockhouse.

Oh, my mink.

I got this for my interview

with that shrink
at H.Q in Seoul.

I came that close to
a Section Eight discharge.

[giggling]

Then I saw
the shrink's coat--

white fox, full-length.

He only wore it on leaves.

It's not easy when the doctors
are nuttier than you are.

Give it to Lieutenant Brown.

Aw, come on.
You're gonna come back.

You'll be all right.

Write.

Tsk. Mink to
Lieutenant Brown.

Ah, that's about it.
The rest isn't worth much.

Just to wear around
the tent when you dust.

Klinger, are you scared?

Nah. I'm from Toledo.

My mother was mugged bringing
me home from the hospital.

So long, buddy.

Yeah, I'll see you soon, huh?

Sure you will.

-Hey, Klinger.
-Huh?

Uh, the--

Oh. Of course.

Never in the afternoon.

You're making me
nervous, Frank!

This is no time
to make me nervous.

I know you're sorry you
didn't volunteer, Frank.

I know you didn't volunteer
because you're a married man.

It's practically
monogrammed on your shorts.

And I know you can't
leave your wife

on account of the children.

That and the fact that
everything is in her name.

Well, I'm a married
man too, Frank--

married to the army.

I don't want the
future you offer--

meeting behind garbage cans
and behind laundry trucks.

When the war's over--

and nothing good
lasts forever--

you'll go home, home
to your wife's bony arms.

I'll still be
in the service.

I'm an army brat, Frank.

My father was a colonel,
and my mother was a nurse,

and I was conceived
on maneuvers.

The army's in my blood.

I need its discipline,
its traditions.

I thrill to the sight
of a precise parade.

I could faint from looking
down at my own brass.

That's why I volunteered,
Frank--

to serve the army I love.

And don't you worry.
I'm coming back--

coming back to you

for whatever time
we have left together

because I'm not just Major
Margaret Houlihan,

army nurse.

I'm also
Margaret Houlihan--

frail, vulnerable,
sensitive female.

And if you touch one nurse
while I'm gone,

I'll cut your hands off!

-Listen.
-Yeah.

-While I'm gone...
-Yeah, yeah.

Promise me you'll go out
with other doctors.

Yeah, right.
And when you come back,

knock twice and give me
five minutes.

And I expect to find
all my aftershave.

I marked the bottle.

I need that stuff.
It's my secret weapon.

You don't drink it?

Are you crazy?
That'll kill ya.

I just gargle it.

It must be rough up
at the front, huh?

It is in the movies.

There's a letter
in my locker.

Okay.

It's my will.

Right.

I leave everything

to the Benjamin Franklin
Pierce Memorial Brothel.

I'll deliver it in person.

Shall we drink
to Douglas MacArthur
or Ish Kabibble?

I don't know.
They both mean so much to me.

No kidding, let's drink
to something important.

-To the Ritz Brothers.
-To the Ritz Brothers.

Jeep's ready, Hawk.

Come back soon.

I hate to play
solitaire alone.

[door closing]

[tire blowout]

Ah, flat tire, sir.

Good thinking, Klinger.

-Watch for snipers.
-Yes, ma'am.

Is this more clever than
saying "I ran outta gas"?

I had to arrange
an entire Korean War,

but I finally got
you alone, Margaret.

Yeah, I'll have the tire
changed in two shakes.

You'll have it changed?

Well, you're the surgeon.

We can't risk your
hurting your hands.

[chuckling]
I'm not gonna let
a woman do that.

Don't think of me
as a woman.

Don't stand in profile.

This is so ungallant of me.

Consider it an order.
You are under me.

Would t'were that it were.

-[sigh]
-What?

The least you could do
is get out of the jeep.

Oh. Never let it be said

I didn't do the
least I could do.

You'd never know
this was an aid station.

Our red cross got
blown off with the roof.

I finally make
a house call,

and the house is gone.

-Klinger, come on.
-Yes, ma'am.

[coughing]

-Pierce.
-Dever.

Dever, you wanna start that
man on plasma right away.

Dennis.

I'll do the initial
triage out here,

and then once
I start operating,

you and you will have to
take care of it, all right?

Find someplace for this man
to lie down, will you?

Don.

[explosions continue]

All right, we'll make
this our sterile area.

Margaret. We'll operate
right on the litter.

They're about as-as sterile
as anything we've got.

Put 'em up on these
sawhorses here.

Klinger, prep the
casualties over there.

Get a table or a box
or something

-to put the instruments on.
-Yes, sir.

All right,
we're in business.

When you're all through,
we'll print the invitations.

Yes, sir.

Margaret--
Yeah, get some of those

-and pour a lot of alcohol
into them, will ya?
-Right.

This is Grumpy
calling Snow White.

Grumpy calling Snow White.
Come in, Snow White.

This is Snow White.
How you doing, Klinger?

Ah, we're
setting things up.

Is it terrible?

[chuckle] It'll
take a little work

before it's only terrible.

[explosion]

What was that?

I hope it was just
another flat tire.

They're shelling us
with live shells.

Exploding live shells.
This is Grumpy signing off.

Uh, Sn-Snow White,
over and out.

[sigh]
Good luck, Grumpy.

-What's his blood pressure?
-110 over 80.

Beautiful. Keep him under.
I'm almost done here.

[explosion]

Margaret!

Tape this up.

Try to keep
the dust off him.

Neatness counts.

Got a table
for one here.

Right down front. He can
see the whole floor show.

[groaning]

Okay, he's done.
Corpsman.

MAN: I'm afraid
to move this one.

Start-Start some
plasma on him.

He'll hold.

MARGARET:
Doctor, I need you!

Klinger.

-Sir!
-Wash up.

Get me some more
clamps, will ya?

Come on over here.

I need some pressure
on a bleeder here.

Come on.

Damn Stalin. Truman. Whoever.

Oh, come on, nurse,
get with it.

Don't you see we
need heavier silk?

Frank, you're just
sewing up an incision,

not tying up
the Queen Mary.

Oh, go mind
your own beeswax.

Go ahead, Henry.
I'll finish up here.

MULCAHY: Any news
from the aid station?

Not yet.

Frank, you got enough rope
here for the last roundup.

Well, then you
do it... sir.

It's unfair, making
a surgeon work under
these conditions.

Okay, put more
pressure on it.

All right, that
oughta hold him.

Thank you, Doctor.

You'll be okay.
He's the best.

[explosions continue]

How's the blood
pressure now?

They keep knocking
the needle around.

You can start
without me, Margaret.

I never cut a man open before.

I'm not a surgeon.

That never stopped me.
Assist the major.

Yes, sir.

[nearby explosion]

How come they
don't get tired?

You gotta irrigate
the wound first.

It's difficult.

You may have to
open the wound more.

You can do it.
Why should I have all the fun?

[explosion]

Are they getting closer?

It's an optical illusion.

You can't tell me they'd
kill a medical person

on a mission of mercy.

They've already killed
one surgeon here.

I told you,
you can't tell me that.

More casualties
coming in.

Colonel Blake, I insist
that you order McIntyre

to stop harassing me.

It's tough enough
doing surgery

under these
primitive conditions.

Surgery?
You medical moron.

You couldn't cut a salami
without bungling it.

-Oh, yeah?
-That's enough
from both of you.

-He started it!
-Frank,

I swear, I'm gonna
put it in your record

you don't work and play
well with others.

[humming "God Bless America"]

That's enough, Frank.

Fourteen choruses of
"God Bless America" is enough.

-Slacker.
-What?

I don't chew
my cabbage twice.

[knocking on door]

-Who is it?
-Another one of your gang.

Uh, it's me, sir.

-Choppers, Radar?
-Uh, no, sir.

Um, sir, I'm not
feeling too hot.

Maybe it's everything you ate.

No, sir.

Um, the thing of it is,
I'm, um...

I'm lonely.

It's so quiet
and everything.

It's okay, Radar.

You can sleep
in Hawkeye's bunk.

-Really?
-This is an officers' tent!

Try to snore
importantly, Radar.

Yes, sir.

And remember, Hawkeye
would be very upset

if you had an
accident in there.

-Oh, yes, sir.
-Is that it?

You're not going
to tuck him in?

No bedtime story?

Radar, do you want me
to tuck you in

and tell you
a bedtime story?

-No, sir.
-That's it, Frank.

Then I'll turn this out.

Sir, um, do you have
a nightlight?

Hi, guys.

TRAPPER:
Sorry, Henry.

You can't check in
without baggage.

Anything we can do
for you, Colonel?

No, no. I just stopped in
for a nightcap. I ran out.

In a few hours,
that'll be gin.

Who's sleeping
in that bed?

Goldilocks.
Her number came up.

It's me, sir.

Oh, what are you
doing here?

Captain McIntyre promoted him.

Frank, it's after 6:00.
You can stop being snotty.

Good night, Radar.

Good night, sir.

Nobody went to the movie.

It's, uh, Sherlock Holmes.

The butler did it.

Aw, I was gonna see
that tomorrow night.

I was kidding, Frank.

The maid did it.

Good movie.

It sure is quiet.

Guess you guys wanna
go to sleep, huh?

-Henry.
-Yo.

They're okay.

Yeah, sure.

Are you worried about them?

I sent them,
remember, Frank?

Their commanding officer?

Back home, my biggest
decisions are whether or not

to have my own
bowling ball made

and do I get
the cat fixed.

Sending people to the
front's just not my speed.

[sigh]

Would you like
another can?

No, thanks. I ate
before I left America.

Klinger's asleep.

Yeah, he collapsed
about an hour ago.

Time flies when you're
having fun.

He did good work.

He's a credit
to his bloomers.

May I clear the table?

[groaning]

Some dessert?

Would you like to see
the pastry tank?

We have some
military favorites.

Napoleonic War,
Pie Alamo...

Caramel Custer.

No, thanks.

[sighing, groaning]

We did it.

My lips are sealed.

Do you suppose there
are snipers out there?

If they're good union
snipers, they are.

I want you to know
chivalry isn't dead.

It's just been
replaced by exhaustion.

Good night, Captain.

Good night, Major.

-Radar?
-Sir?

Oh, uh, sir,
they're on their way back.

-Really?
-Yes, sir.

Klinger just called, and, uh,
the replacements have arrived,

and they're safe,
and they're okay,

and they're safe
and everything.

I gotta have a drink.

Yes, sir.

You drank it all.

Radar, do you believe me?

I never have, sir.

Uh, you better tell,

uh, Captain McIntyre
and Major Burns.

You know, some people
are just, uh,

born to take charge.

You know what I mean, Radar?

Yeah, I guess
he knows what I mean.

Well, there it is.

We made it back to
the fort, Emmy Lou.

I never thought
I'd be happy to see

that upholstered
toilet again.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Major, I gotta
tell you something.

But if you repeat this
to anyone, I'll deny it.

You are my favorite officer
in the whole U.S. Army.

Same goes for me, Major.
You're aces.

Thank you,
Corporal, Doctor.

I always go for the
popcorn when it gets
to the mushy part.

Right. Okay.

Ready for the Army again.

♪ Over hill,
over dale ♪

♪ We will hit
the dusty trail ♪

♪ As those caissons
go rolling along ♪

ALL: [singing nonsense words]

♪ As those caissons
go rolling along ♪

♪ For it's hi hi hee and
the hoo-hoo ha-ha hee ♪

♪ Shout out your
numbers loud and-- ♪

MARGARET: [shouting]

Cold and noisy.

Those shells make
a lot of noise.

I don't know how the guys
in the war movies can take it.

I know. Right.

But how was it?

It was rough.

Klinger worked so hard,
he got a run in his legs.

Yeah.

But, uh,
how was the major?

Pretty damn good.

You fink.
Start from the top.

Oh, no,
nothing like that.

-But you just said--
-She worked like a trooper,

above and beyond the call.

Boy, your mind
is in the gutter.

I can't help it.
It's attached to my body.

Come on, will ya?
A man and a woman

can have a constructive
relationship

that's based
on mutual respect.

Of course.

You!

Oh, I just love that.

"Dr. Pierce and I performed
like a well-oiled machine

"under very difficult
circumstances.

It was an exhilarating
experience."

And I don't exhilarate you,
I suppose?

Well, you're not the
easiest woman in the
world to exhilarate,

let me tell you that,
Margaret.

I mean-I mean,
I don't want that

to sound like it means
what it sounds like.

I was just so jealous.
I missed you so.

I slept with one of your
boots under my pillow.

Honest, really.

I wrote you the longest
love letter of my life.

It takes up almost a whole
roll of toilet paper.

Oh, Margaret.

Margaret, you're back.

I have a headache, Frank.

I knew it. I knew it!

Well-oiled machine.

Where is everything?

I said give it away
in case I, you know.

Yeah, I know, but--

The green neg
was my favorite.

I was gonna wear it for dinner
my first night back.

Well, I tried, but they--

You guys at the rear
have no respect

for the front-line troops,
stealing our dresses.

I just wish I could
make out what it was
I was eating.

Well, all it needs
is a little salt.

And pepper.

Mustard, ketchup,
sauce, flavor.

And, of course,
the coffee's cold again.

It's getting better.

It's less purple.

FRANK: Oh, this camp
is impossible.

I just don't believe
the conditions

we're expected
to put up with.

I mean, really.

I-I know there's
a war going on,

but we can't be
treated like animals.

♪♪ [theme]