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1
00:00:02,263 --> 00:00:04,439
♪♪ [theme]
2
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What is this?
3
00:00:57,405 --> 00:00:59,363
Something and eggs.
4
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:01,278
The yellow stuff
is the eggs.
5
00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:10,026
This looks familiar.
6
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,029
I once cut that up
in med school.
7
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,465
I know.
8
00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,641
They're little
Italian cigars.
9
00:01:16,685 --> 00:01:18,687
I'll have mine
after the theater.
10
00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:20,167
I'll eat what you don't want.
11
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:22,169
Your death wish
is my command.
12
00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:27,174
HAWKEYE: Two mounds of mashed
potatoes for breakfast?
13
00:01:27,217 --> 00:01:31,134
I think I used to go
steady with that tray.
14
00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:33,180
We could patent
that, you know?
15
00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:35,007
Potato falsies.
16
00:01:35,051 --> 00:01:37,967
Foul mouths! There is
a lady present.
17
00:01:39,229 --> 00:01:41,449
Well, where is there
a lady present?
18
00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:42,841
Now there's a lady present.
19
00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:44,234
What's this morning's
breakfast?
20
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:45,627
Last night's dinner.
21
00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:48,412
Great. That was
yesterday's lunch.
22
00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:51,328
Will you darn foolskis
kindly cut the gabble-gabble?
23
00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:53,504
"Darn foolskis"?
24
00:01:53,548 --> 00:01:56,246
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention.
Officers' call will be held
25
00:01:56,290 --> 00:01:58,988
in Colonel Blake's office
at 0700 hours.
26
00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:01,077
Is that A.D. or B.C.?
27
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,340
I don't know. I was never
too sure about Henry.
28
00:02:07,779 --> 00:02:10,260
Waitress, they're not
paying their check!
29
00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:12,175
Oh!
30
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:13,916
FRANK: It was just another
disgraceful display
31
00:02:13,959 --> 00:02:15,222
of the lack of discipline.
32
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:16,919
I don't think
it's asking too much
33
00:02:16,962 --> 00:02:19,095
for officers to be
military at breakfast.
34
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:22,533
I can't throw up and salute
at the same time.
35
00:02:22,577 --> 00:02:24,405
I see Private Carter
has come down
36
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:25,754
with carnal flu again.
37
00:02:25,797 --> 00:02:27,712
-Get out of there!
-Yes, sir.
38
00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:29,497
Can we be of some
service, Colonel?
39
00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:32,413
Got an emergency
at the front, Father.
40
00:02:32,456 --> 00:02:34,110
You're at the wrong
place, Radar.
41
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,025
The emergency's
at the front.
42
00:02:36,068 --> 00:02:37,331
Radar,
have you got that--
43
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,159
Here's the message
from I Company, sir.
44
00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:42,031
"I Company aid station
sustained heavy shelling.
45
00:02:42,074 --> 00:02:45,165
"MASH 4077 to provide
trained personnel
46
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:46,905
until replacements arrive."
47
00:02:48,733 --> 00:02:50,170
That's it.
48
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,128
That's it?
Did they enclose a check?
49
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,391
I Company's a cheap outfit.
50
00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:56,219
Well, they could've
sent something.
51
00:02:58,352 --> 00:03:00,267
Their surgeon's
been killed.
52
00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:02,965
They need a new cutter,
scrub nurse, and a corpsman.
53
00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:04,358
That's all, huh?
54
00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:06,011
Look, this is
a very dangerous mission.
55
00:03:06,055 --> 00:03:08,797
I'm not gonna blow any
sunshine up your skirts.
56
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:09,972
Any volunteers?
57
00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:12,627
I'll go.
58
00:03:14,846 --> 00:03:16,021
What about a surgeon?
59
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,681
Sure got quiet.
60
00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:26,380
I don't want anything I say
to be misinterpreted.
61
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:30,253
All right, fair is fair.
We'll draw straws.
62
00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:31,820
Uh, sir, no straws.
63
00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:33,256
Well, what have you got?
64
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,519
Um, sausage
from breakfast.
65
00:03:35,563 --> 00:03:37,826
I told you they weren't
meant to be eaten.
66
00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:42,483
Okay, whoever draws the
short sausage volunteers.
67
00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:45,094
Good luck... Hawk.
68
00:03:46,748 --> 00:03:48,880
I should be excused.
I'm single.
69
00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:50,578
I have the most kids.
70
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:52,493
You're making
a mockery of this!
71
00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:54,059
I wouldn't make a mockery
72
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,974
of drawing burnt sausages
out of a bed pan
73
00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:58,281
to pick a volunteer
for the Purple Heart.
74
00:03:58,325 --> 00:04:00,457
[rattling]
75
00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:08,073
Frank.
76
00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:15,342
[chuckling]
77
00:04:22,784 --> 00:04:25,308
I don't suppose there are
three long sausages in there?
78
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:26,788
No, sir.
79
00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:28,616
Then I volunteer.
80
00:04:28,659 --> 00:04:30,487
Hi, bunkie.
81
00:04:30,531 --> 00:04:32,489
Welcome aboard.
82
00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:34,361
HENRY: Okay, okay.
83
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:37,842
Now I gotta find, uh, someone
to do the corpsman job.
84
00:04:37,886 --> 00:04:40,410
I have the personnel cards
right here, sir.
85
00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:42,412
Just my luck,
I'll get a lemon.
86
00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:43,718
Pick one.
87
00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,154
HAWKEYE: I don't
trust you, Henry.
88
00:04:45,197 --> 00:04:46,982
You always got something
up your sleeve.
89
00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:49,637
Oh, that's fine. All right,
Father, you pick one.
90
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,900
Uh, you do
trust Father Mulcahy?
91
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,641
It says I should
on all my money.
92
00:04:53,684 --> 00:04:55,643
If you can't
believe your money,
who can you believe?
93
00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:56,818
Well...
94
00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,299
here we go.
95
00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,433
Terrific.
96
00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:05,566
I'm knocking my brains out
to get sent home.
97
00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:07,481
This assignment will
get me there in a box.
98
00:05:07,524 --> 00:05:11,267
-Oh, no.
-If I don't come back,
99
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,270
this pink strapless number
should go to that big job--
100
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,793
the blonde from Minneapolis.
101
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:18,274
Yeah, she'll keep it up.
102
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,536
She's built like
a brick blockhouse.
103
00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:23,627
Oh, my mink.
104
00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,542
I got this for my interview
105
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,675
with that shrink
at H.Q in Seoul.
106
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:30,504
I came that close to
a Section Eight discharge.
107
00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:31,809
[giggling]
108
00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:33,376
Then I saw
the shrink's coat--
109
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:34,769
white fox, full-length.
110
00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:39,687
He only wore it on leaves.
111
00:05:39,730 --> 00:05:42,211
It's not easy when the doctors
are nuttier than you are.
112
00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,650
Give it to Lieutenant Brown.
113
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:48,913
Aw, come on.
You're gonna come back.
114
00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:50,393
You'll be all right.
115
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:51,481
Write.
116
00:05:51,525 --> 00:05:54,397
Tsk. Mink to
Lieutenant Brown.
117
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:57,269
Ah, that's about it.
The rest isn't worth much.
118
00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,446
Just to wear around
the tent when you dust.
119
00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:02,274
Klinger, are you scared?
120
00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:05,626
Nah. I'm from Toledo.
121
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:08,368
My mother was mugged bringing
me home from the hospital.
122
00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:12,720
So long, buddy.
123
00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:15,375
Yeah, I'll see you soon, huh?
124
00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:16,898
Sure you will.
125
00:06:18,856 --> 00:06:20,292
-Hey, Klinger.
-Huh?
126
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:22,120
Uh, the--
127
00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:26,473
Oh. Of course.
128
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:28,039
Never in the afternoon.
129
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:31,565
You're making me
nervous, Frank!
130
00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:33,871
This is no time
to make me nervous.
131
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:36,134
I know you're sorry you
didn't volunteer, Frank.
132
00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:38,398
I know you didn't volunteer
because you're a married man.
133
00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:41,662
It's practically
monogrammed on your shorts.
134
00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:43,141
And I know you can't
leave your wife
135
00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:44,752
on account of the children.
136
00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,537
That and the fact that
everything is in her name.
137
00:06:47,581 --> 00:06:50,758
Well, I'm a married
man too, Frank--
138
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:52,934
married to the army.
139
00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:54,979
I don't want the
future you offer--
140
00:06:55,023 --> 00:06:58,374
meeting behind garbage cans
and behind laundry trucks.
141
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,028
When the war's over--
142
00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:02,900
and nothing good
lasts forever--
143
00:07:02,944 --> 00:07:07,252
you'll go home, home
to your wife's bony arms.
144
00:07:07,296 --> 00:07:09,646
I'll still be
in the service.
145
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,648
I'm an army brat, Frank.
146
00:07:11,692 --> 00:07:13,694
My father was a colonel,
and my mother was a nurse,
147
00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:15,870
and I was conceived
on maneuvers.
148
00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:17,654
The army's in my blood.
149
00:07:17,698 --> 00:07:20,483
I need its discipline,
its traditions.
150
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:23,617
I thrill to the sight
of a precise parade.
151
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:26,663
I could faint from looking
down at my own brass.
152
00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,491
That's why I volunteered,
Frank--
153
00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:30,493
to serve the army I love.
154
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:33,017
And don't you worry.
I'm coming back--
155
00:07:33,061 --> 00:07:34,279
coming back to you
156
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:35,933
for whatever time
we have left together
157
00:07:35,977 --> 00:07:38,545
because I'm not just Major
Margaret Houlihan,
158
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:40,111
army nurse.
159
00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:42,679
I'm also
Margaret Houlihan--
160
00:07:42,723 --> 00:07:46,814
frail, vulnerable,
sensitive female.
161
00:07:46,857 --> 00:07:49,120
And if you touch one nurse
while I'm gone,
162
00:07:49,164 --> 00:07:50,644
I'll cut your hands off!
163
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:55,866
-Listen.
-Yeah.
164
00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:57,520
-While I'm gone...
-Yeah, yeah.
165
00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:59,914
Promise me you'll go out
with other doctors.
166
00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:02,003
Yeah, right.
And when you come back,
167
00:08:02,046 --> 00:08:04,919
knock twice and give me
five minutes.
168
00:08:04,962 --> 00:08:07,138
And I expect to find
all my aftershave.
169
00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:08,531
I marked the bottle.
170
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:10,577
I need that stuff.
It's my secret weapon.
171
00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:11,926
You don't drink it?
172
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:13,275
Are you crazy?
That'll kill ya.
173
00:08:13,318 --> 00:08:14,624
I just gargle it.
174
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,149
It must be rough up
at the front, huh?
175
00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:20,543
It is in the movies.
176
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,635
There's a letter
in my locker.
177
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:27,115
Okay.
178
00:08:28,682 --> 00:08:29,944
It's my will.
179
00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:32,816
Right.
180
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,557
I leave everything
181
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:37,125
to the Benjamin Franklin
Pierce Memorial Brothel.
182
00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:41,521
I'll deliver it in person.
183
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:48,049
Shall we drink
to Douglas MacArthur
or Ish Kabibble?
184
00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:50,878
I don't know.
They both mean so much to me.
185
00:08:50,921 --> 00:08:53,620
No kidding, let's drink
to something important.
186
00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:55,273
-To the Ritz Brothers.
-To the Ritz Brothers.
187
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,976
Jeep's ready, Hawk.
188
00:09:05,109 --> 00:09:07,111
Come back soon.
189
00:09:07,155 --> 00:09:09,244
I hate to play
solitaire alone.
190
00:09:14,162 --> 00:09:15,859
[door closing]
191
00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:18,427
[tire blowout]
192
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:26,348
Ah, flat tire, sir.
193
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:28,350
Good thinking, Klinger.
194
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,831
-Watch for snipers.
-Yes, ma'am.
195
00:09:30,874 --> 00:09:34,008
Is this more clever than
saying "I ran outta gas"?
196
00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:36,663
I had to arrange
an entire Korean War,
197
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:38,186
but I finally got
you alone, Margaret.
198
00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:40,971
Yeah, I'll have the tire
changed in two shakes.
199
00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:42,407
You'll have it changed?
200
00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:43,931
Well, you're the surgeon.
201
00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:45,846
We can't risk your
hurting your hands.
202
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:48,239
[chuckling]
I'm not gonna let
a woman do that.
203
00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:50,546
Don't think of me
as a woman.
204
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,069
Don't stand in profile.
205
00:09:54,158 --> 00:09:55,812
This is so ungallant of me.
206
00:09:55,856 --> 00:09:58,815
Consider it an order.
You are under me.
207
00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:00,687
Would t'were that it were.
208
00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:06,388
-[sigh]
-What?
209
00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:08,129
The least you could do
is get out of the jeep.
210
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:09,957
Oh. Never let it be said
211
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,872
I didn't do the
least I could do.
212
00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:37,114
You'd never know
this was an aid station.
213
00:10:37,158 --> 00:10:39,682
Our red cross got
blown off with the roof.
214
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:41,423
I finally make
a house call,
215
00:10:41,466 --> 00:10:42,685
and the house is gone.
216
00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:46,558
-Klinger, come on.
-Yes, ma'am.
217
00:10:46,602 --> 00:10:47,951
[coughing]
218
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,649
-Pierce.
-Dever.
219
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:55,437
Dever, you wanna start that
man on plasma right away.
220
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,265
Dennis.
221
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:58,832
I'll do the initial
triage out here,
222
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,398
and then once
I start operating,
223
00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:02,618
you and you will have to
take care of it, all right?
224
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,620
Find someplace for this man
to lie down, will you?
225
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,100
Don.
226
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:07,884
[explosions continue]
227
00:11:07,928 --> 00:11:10,452
All right, we'll make
this our sterile area.
228
00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:12,584
Margaret. We'll operate
right on the litter.
229
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:14,325
They're about as-as sterile
as anything we've got.
230
00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:15,718
Put 'em up on these
sawhorses here.
231
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:18,503
Klinger, prep the
casualties over there.
232
00:11:18,547 --> 00:11:20,157
Get a table or a box
or something
233
00:11:20,201 --> 00:11:21,768
-to put the instruments on.
-Yes, sir.
234
00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:23,552
All right,
we're in business.
235
00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:24,988
When you're all through,
we'll print the invitations.
236
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:26,511
Yes, sir.
237
00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:28,209
Margaret--
Yeah, get some of those
238
00:11:28,252 --> 00:11:30,080
-and pour a lot of alcohol
into them, will ya?
-Right.
239
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:34,389
This is Grumpy
calling Snow White.
240
00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:36,739
Grumpy calling Snow White.
Come in, Snow White.
241
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:39,916
This is Snow White.
How you doing, Klinger?
242
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,397
Ah, we're
setting things up.
243
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,051
Is it terrible?
244
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:45,748
[chuckle] It'll
take a little work
245
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,097
before it's only terrible.
246
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:49,752
[explosion]
247
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:51,275
What was that?
248
00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:54,322
I hope it was just
another flat tire.
249
00:11:57,455 --> 00:12:00,371
They're shelling us
with live shells.
250
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:04,636
Exploding live shells.
This is Grumpy signing off.
251
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,117
Uh, Sn-Snow White,
over and out.
252
00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:11,034
[sigh]
Good luck, Grumpy.
253
00:12:18,172 --> 00:12:20,261
-What's his blood pressure?
-110 over 80.
254
00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:22,089
Beautiful. Keep him under.
I'm almost done here.
255
00:12:22,132 --> 00:12:23,612
[explosion]
256
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:29,749
Margaret!
257
00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:34,405
Tape this up.
258
00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:35,972
Try to keep
the dust off him.
259
00:12:36,016 --> 00:12:37,234
Neatness counts.
260
00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:39,367
Got a table
for one here.
261
00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:41,978
Right down front. He can
see the whole floor show.
262
00:12:48,332 --> 00:12:49,420
[groaning]
263
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,252
Okay, he's done.
Corpsman.
264
00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:57,907
MAN: I'm afraid
to move this one.
265
00:12:57,951 --> 00:12:59,779
Start-Start some
plasma on him.
266
00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:00,823
He'll hold.
267
00:13:02,564 --> 00:13:04,827
MARGARET:
Doctor, I need you!
268
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,089
Klinger.
269
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,395
-Sir!
-Wash up.
270
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:12,008
Get me some more
clamps, will ya?
271
00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,229
Come on over here.
272
00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:17,492
I need some pressure
on a bleeder here.
273
00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:18,754
Come on.
274
00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:26,327
Damn Stalin. Truman. Whoever.
275
00:13:29,634 --> 00:13:30,940
Oh, come on, nurse,
get with it.
276
00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:32,333
Don't you see we
need heavier silk?
277
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:34,944
Frank, you're just
sewing up an incision,
278
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:37,077
not tying up
the Queen Mary.
279
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,862
Oh, go mind
your own beeswax.
280
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:41,864
Go ahead, Henry.
I'll finish up here.
281
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:43,648
MULCAHY: Any news
from the aid station?
282
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:45,041
Not yet.
283
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:50,046
Frank, you got enough rope
here for the last roundup.
284
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,483
Well, then you
do it... sir.
285
00:13:55,878 --> 00:14:00,404
It's unfair, making
a surgeon work under
these conditions.
286
00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:02,319
Okay, put more
pressure on it.
287
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:03,668
All right, that
oughta hold him.
288
00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:04,844
Thank you, Doctor.
289
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,892
You'll be okay.
He's the best.
290
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,415
[explosions continue]
291
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:16,377
How's the blood
pressure now?
292
00:14:20,598 --> 00:14:22,644
They keep knocking
the needle around.
293
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,820
You can start
without me, Margaret.
294
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:28,084
I never cut a man open before.
295
00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:29,564
I'm not a surgeon.
296
00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:32,741
That never stopped me.
Assist the major.
297
00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:34,743
Yes, sir.
298
00:14:34,786 --> 00:14:36,832
[nearby explosion]
299
00:14:39,574 --> 00:14:41,445
How come they
don't get tired?
300
00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:44,666
You gotta irrigate
the wound first.
301
00:14:44,709 --> 00:14:46,929
It's difficult.
302
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:49,323
You may have to
open the wound more.
303
00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:51,716
You can do it.
Why should I have all the fun?
304
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,283
[explosion]
305
00:14:55,677 --> 00:14:57,244
Are they getting closer?
306
00:14:57,287 --> 00:14:58,941
It's an optical illusion.
307
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:00,769
You can't tell me they'd
kill a medical person
308
00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:02,205
on a mission of mercy.
309
00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:04,599
They've already killed
one surgeon here.
310
00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:06,688
I told you,
you can't tell me that.
311
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,603
More casualties
coming in.
312
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:13,434
Colonel Blake, I insist
that you order McIntyre
313
00:15:13,477 --> 00:15:14,783
to stop harassing me.
314
00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:16,176
It's tough enough
doing surgery
315
00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:17,612
under these
primitive conditions.
316
00:15:17,655 --> 00:15:20,006
Surgery?
You medical moron.
317
00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:22,051
You couldn't cut a salami
without bungling it.
318
00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:24,053
-Oh, yeah?
-That's enough
from both of you.
319
00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:26,490
-He started it!
-Frank,
320
00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:28,449
I swear, I'm gonna
put it in your record
321
00:15:28,492 --> 00:15:30,625
you don't work and play
well with others.
322
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:39,112
[humming "God Bless America"]
323
00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:44,595
That's enough, Frank.
324
00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:47,859
Fourteen choruses of
"God Bless America" is enough.
325
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:49,818
-Slacker.
-What?
326
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:51,733
I don't chew
my cabbage twice.
327
00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:54,040
[knocking on door]
328
00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,346
-Who is it?
-Another one of your gang.
329
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:58,914
Uh, it's me, sir.
330
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,221
-Choppers, Radar?
-Uh, no, sir.
331
00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:03,875
Um, sir, I'm not
feeling too hot.
332
00:16:03,919 --> 00:16:05,703
Maybe it's everything you ate.
333
00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:07,401
No, sir.
334
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:10,578
Um, the thing of it is,
I'm, um...
335
00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:12,058
I'm lonely.
336
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,798
It's so quiet
and everything.
337
00:16:13,842 --> 00:16:15,365
It's okay, Radar.
338
00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:17,933
You can sleep
in Hawkeye's bunk.
339
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,153
-Really?
-This is an officers' tent!
340
00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:23,199
Try to snore
importantly, Radar.
341
00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:24,940
Yes, sir.
342
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,769
And remember, Hawkeye
would be very upset
343
00:16:27,812 --> 00:16:29,510
if you had an
accident in there.
344
00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:31,773
-Oh, yes, sir.
-Is that it?
345
00:16:31,816 --> 00:16:33,122
You're not going
to tuck him in?
346
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:34,950
No bedtime story?
347
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,604
Radar, do you want me
to tuck you in
348
00:16:36,647 --> 00:16:38,040
and tell you
a bedtime story?
349
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,476
-No, sir.
-That's it, Frank.
350
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,609
Then I'll turn this out.
351
00:16:41,652 --> 00:16:43,915
Sir, um, do you have
a nightlight?
352
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:54,317
Hi, guys.
353
00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:55,753
TRAPPER:
Sorry, Henry.
354
00:16:55,797 --> 00:16:57,277
You can't check in
without baggage.
355
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,018
Anything we can do
for you, Colonel?
356
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:01,498
No, no. I just stopped in
for a nightcap. I ran out.
357
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:03,805
In a few hours,
that'll be gin.
358
00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:05,241
Who's sleeping
in that bed?
359
00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:08,070
Goldilocks.
Her number came up.
360
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,595
It's me, sir.
361
00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:13,336
Oh, what are you
doing here?
362
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,686
Captain McIntyre promoted him.
363
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:18,646
Frank, it's after 6:00.
You can stop being snotty.
364
00:17:20,822 --> 00:17:22,084
Good night, Radar.
365
00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:23,303
Good night, sir.
366
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:28,264
Nobody went to the movie.
367
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:31,659
It's, uh, Sherlock Holmes.
368
00:17:31,702 --> 00:17:33,269
The butler did it.
369
00:17:33,313 --> 00:17:36,098
Aw, I was gonna see
that tomorrow night.
370
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:38,187
I was kidding, Frank.
371
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:39,971
The maid did it.
372
00:17:42,713 --> 00:17:44,454
Good movie.
373
00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:49,894
It sure is quiet.
374
00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:55,335
Guess you guys wanna
go to sleep, huh?
375
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,165
-Henry.
-Yo.
376
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:01,732
They're okay.
377
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:05,171
Yeah, sure.
378
00:18:05,214 --> 00:18:06,607
Are you worried about them?
379
00:18:06,650 --> 00:18:08,739
I sent them,
remember, Frank?
380
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,741
Their commanding officer?
381
00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:15,268
Back home, my biggest
decisions are whether or not
382
00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:17,139
to have my own
bowling ball made
383
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,923
and do I get
the cat fixed.
384
00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:24,277
Sending people to the
front's just not my speed.
385
00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:45,254
[sigh]
386
00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:47,387
Would you like
another can?
387
00:18:47,430 --> 00:18:49,737
No, thanks. I ate
before I left America.
388
00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:54,394
Klinger's asleep.
389
00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:57,658
Yeah, he collapsed
about an hour ago.
390
00:18:57,701 --> 00:19:00,356
Time flies when you're
having fun.
391
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,271
He did good work.
392
00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:04,230
He's a credit
to his bloomers.
393
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:08,799
May I clear the table?
394
00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:13,108
[groaning]
395
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,544
Some dessert?
396
00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:17,112
Would you like to see
the pastry tank?
397
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,332
We have some
military favorites.
398
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:22,509
Napoleonic War,
Pie Alamo...
399
00:19:22,552 --> 00:19:24,815
Caramel Custer.
400
00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:26,687
No, thanks.
401
00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:39,308
[sighing, groaning]
402
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,491
We did it.
403
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:51,146
My lips are sealed.
404
00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:59,459
Do you suppose there
are snipers out there?
405
00:19:59,502 --> 00:20:02,070
If they're good union
snipers, they are.
406
00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:18,739
I want you to know
chivalry isn't dead.
407
00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,915
It's just been
replaced by exhaustion.
408
00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:27,095
Good night, Captain.
409
00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:28,749
Good night, Major.
410
00:20:38,019 --> 00:20:39,499
-Radar?
-Sir?
411
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:42,632
Oh, uh, sir,
they're on their way back.
412
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:44,765
-Really?
-Yes, sir.
413
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:47,289
Klinger just called, and, uh,
the replacements have arrived,
414
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:48,638
and they're safe,
and they're okay,
415
00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:50,379
and they're safe
and everything.
416
00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:52,338
I gotta have a drink.
417
00:20:52,381 --> 00:20:53,382
Yes, sir.
418
00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:56,951
You drank it all.
419
00:20:56,994 --> 00:20:58,605
Radar, do you believe me?
420
00:20:58,648 --> 00:21:00,128
I never have, sir.
421
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,565
Uh, you better tell,
422
00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:04,611
uh, Captain McIntyre
and Major Burns.
423
00:21:04,654 --> 00:21:08,049
You know, some people
are just, uh,
424
00:21:08,092 --> 00:21:09,311
born to take charge.
425
00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:10,660
You know what I mean, Radar?
426
00:21:15,056 --> 00:21:17,145
Yeah, I guess
he knows what I mean.
427
00:21:30,898 --> 00:21:32,291
Well, there it is.
428
00:21:34,031 --> 00:21:35,598
We made it back to
the fort, Emmy Lou.
429
00:21:35,642 --> 00:21:37,600
I never thought
I'd be happy to see
430
00:21:37,644 --> 00:21:39,602
that upholstered
toilet again.
431
00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,256
Excuse me, ma'am.
432
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,737
Major, I gotta
tell you something.
433
00:21:43,780 --> 00:21:47,088
But if you repeat this
to anyone, I'll deny it.
434
00:21:47,131 --> 00:21:49,917
You are my favorite officer
in the whole U.S. Army.
435
00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:53,921
Same goes for me, Major.
You're aces.
436
00:21:55,401 --> 00:21:58,752
Thank you,
Corporal, Doctor.
437
00:21:58,795 --> 00:22:01,189
I always go for the
popcorn when it gets
to the mushy part.
438
00:22:01,232 --> 00:22:03,365
Right. Okay.
439
00:22:06,412 --> 00:22:08,109
Ready for the Army again.
440
00:22:12,461 --> 00:22:14,898
♪ Over hill,
over dale ♪
441
00:22:14,942 --> 00:22:17,118
♪ We will hit
the dusty trail ♪
442
00:22:17,161 --> 00:22:21,165
♪ As those caissons
go rolling along ♪
443
00:22:21,209 --> 00:22:23,254
ALL: [singing nonsense words]
444
00:22:25,256 --> 00:22:29,130
♪ As those caissons
go rolling along ♪
445
00:22:29,173 --> 00:22:33,395
♪ For it's hi hi hee and
the hoo-hoo ha-ha hee ♪
446
00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:35,397
♪ Shout out your
numbers loud and-- ♪
447
00:22:35,441 --> 00:22:37,051
MARGARET: [shouting]
448
00:22:37,094 --> 00:22:39,662
Cold and noisy.
449
00:22:39,706 --> 00:22:41,751
Those shells make
a lot of noise.
450
00:22:41,795 --> 00:22:45,233
I don't know how the guys
in the war movies can take it.
451
00:22:45,276 --> 00:22:47,888
I know. Right.
452
00:22:47,931 --> 00:22:49,411
But how was it?
453
00:22:49,455 --> 00:22:50,891
It was rough.
454
00:22:50,934 --> 00:22:53,415
Klinger worked so hard,
he got a run in his legs.
455
00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:54,460
Yeah.
456
00:22:55,809 --> 00:22:59,508
But, uh,
how was the major?
457
00:22:59,552 --> 00:23:00,901
Pretty damn good.
458
00:23:02,816 --> 00:23:04,644
You fink.
Start from the top.
459
00:23:05,993 --> 00:23:07,951
Oh, no,
nothing like that.
460
00:23:07,995 --> 00:23:09,388
-But you just said--
-She worked like a trooper,
461
00:23:09,431 --> 00:23:11,172
above and beyond the call.
462
00:23:11,215 --> 00:23:13,522
Boy, your mind
is in the gutter.
463
00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:16,656
I can't help it.
It's attached to my body.
464
00:23:16,699 --> 00:23:18,135
Come on, will ya?
A man and a woman
465
00:23:18,179 --> 00:23:19,615
can have a constructive
relationship
466
00:23:19,659 --> 00:23:21,400
that's based
on mutual respect.
467
00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:23,010
Of course.
468
00:23:23,053 --> 00:23:24,403
You!
469
00:23:26,274 --> 00:23:28,015
Oh, I just love that.
470
00:23:28,058 --> 00:23:30,365
"Dr. Pierce and I performed
like a well-oiled machine
471
00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:32,411
"under very difficult
circumstances.
472
00:23:32,454 --> 00:23:34,500
It was an exhilarating
experience."
473
00:23:34,543 --> 00:23:36,719
And I don't exhilarate you,
I suppose?
474
00:23:36,763 --> 00:23:38,634
Well, you're not the
easiest woman in the
world to exhilarate,
475
00:23:38,678 --> 00:23:41,071
let me tell you that,
Margaret.
476
00:23:41,115 --> 00:23:42,899
I mean-I mean,
I don't want that
477
00:23:42,943 --> 00:23:46,425
to sound like it means
what it sounds like.
478
00:23:46,468 --> 00:23:49,776
I was just so jealous.
I missed you so.
479
00:23:49,819 --> 00:23:52,474
I slept with one of your
boots under my pillow.
480
00:23:52,518 --> 00:23:54,694
Honest, really.
481
00:23:54,737 --> 00:23:57,131
I wrote you the longest
love letter of my life.
482
00:23:57,174 --> 00:23:59,655
It takes up almost a whole
roll of toilet paper.
483
00:24:01,135 --> 00:24:03,833
Oh, Margaret.
484
00:24:03,877 --> 00:24:04,965
Margaret, you're back.
485
00:24:05,008 --> 00:24:06,749
I have a headache, Frank.
486
00:24:08,403 --> 00:24:11,145
I knew it. I knew it!
487
00:24:11,188 --> 00:24:12,712
Well-oiled machine.
488
00:24:13,843 --> 00:24:16,150
Where is everything?
489
00:24:16,193 --> 00:24:19,283
I said give it away
in case I, you know.
490
00:24:19,327 --> 00:24:20,502
Yeah, I know, but--
491
00:24:20,546 --> 00:24:22,156
The green neg
was my favorite.
492
00:24:22,199 --> 00:24:24,071
I was gonna wear it for dinner
my first night back.
493
00:24:24,114 --> 00:24:25,246
Well, I tried, but they--
494
00:24:25,289 --> 00:24:26,769
You guys at the rear
have no respect
495
00:24:26,813 --> 00:24:28,728
for the front-line troops,
stealing our dresses.
496
00:24:33,341 --> 00:24:35,474
I just wish I could
make out what it was
I was eating.
497
00:24:35,517 --> 00:24:37,954
Well, all it needs
is a little salt.
498
00:24:37,998 --> 00:24:40,087
And pepper.
499
00:24:40,130 --> 00:24:43,264
Mustard, ketchup,
sauce, flavor.
500
00:24:45,571 --> 00:24:48,617
And, of course,
the coffee's cold again.
501
00:24:48,661 --> 00:24:50,401
It's getting better.
502
00:24:50,445 --> 00:24:51,577
It's less purple.
503
00:24:51,620 --> 00:24:53,579
FRANK: Oh, this camp
is impossible.
504
00:24:53,622 --> 00:24:55,058
I just don't believe
the conditions
505
00:24:55,102 --> 00:24:56,320
we're expected
to put up with.
506
00:24:56,364 --> 00:24:57,757
I mean, really.
507
00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:59,498
I-I know there's
a war going on,
508
00:24:59,541 --> 00:25:01,238
but we can't be
treated like animals.
509
00:25:06,069 --> 00:25:08,071
♪♪ [theme]
35751
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