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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,132 --> 00:00:04,395 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:51,616 --> 00:00:53,357 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. 3 00:00:53,401 --> 00:00:56,795 Corporal Stanley Salkowitz, acting camp librarian, 4 00:00:56,839 --> 00:00:58,536 wishes to announce the delivery 5 00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:00,321 of 100 copies of Rumpelstiltskin. 6 00:01:00,364 --> 00:01:01,800 Another shipment of dirty books. 7 00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:03,802 -Clamp. -Clamp. 8 00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:06,022 Come on. Points up! Get with it, will you? 9 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,764 This kid's spleen is full of lead from a claymore. 10 00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:11,201 I'm sorry, Doctor. 11 00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:14,030 What the hell's wrong with you? 12 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,597 Three mistakes on one spleen. 13 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,729 -More suction. -Right. 14 00:01:17,773 --> 00:01:21,298 I'm just so nervous about Colonel Reese coming. 15 00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:22,952 Oh, don't tell me. What is he, 16 00:01:22,995 --> 00:01:24,910 another root canal wizard from Passaic? 17 00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:27,783 It's a she. A very important nurse. 18 00:01:27,826 --> 00:01:30,394 The most decorated nurse in the army. 19 00:01:30,438 --> 00:01:33,223 Great. We can put our Christmas presents under her. 20 00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:34,485 [object clattering on floor] 21 00:01:34,529 --> 00:01:36,183 Major, go roll some bandages. 22 00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:37,184 -Baker, take over here, will you? -Yes, sir. 23 00:01:37,227 --> 00:01:38,620 -Wait a minute! -Come on. 24 00:01:38,663 --> 00:01:40,796 Go ahead. Go ahead. I'll see you later. 25 00:01:40,839 --> 00:01:43,059 I smell nurse burning. 26 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,757 Yeah. Give her a rabies shot before she bites somebody. 27 00:01:45,801 --> 00:01:47,019 Give me a clamp. 28 00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:48,717 Very good. 29 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,067 If you can't keep your mind on your job, Major ma'am, 30 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,416 then stay out of the O.R. 31 00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:54,462 Major Burns, make him stop! 32 00:01:54,505 --> 00:01:56,116 Pierce, as your superior officer, 33 00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:58,074 I order you to cease this harassing. 34 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,468 Watch your language, Frank. 35 00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:03,688 You stay out of this, Keed. 36 00:02:03,732 --> 00:02:06,735 I can't allow dirty language in front of Captain Pierce. 37 00:02:06,778 --> 00:02:08,911 I promised his mother. 38 00:02:08,954 --> 00:02:11,783 I know my job! 39 00:02:11,827 --> 00:02:14,699 I didn't get to be major by just sitting on my duff. 40 00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:16,223 Well, somebody did. 41 00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:19,008 Just what did you mean by that? 42 00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:22,446 I demand satisfaction. 43 00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:24,535 Tired lately, Frank? 44 00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:30,672 Major Burns, he has insulted me time and time again. 45 00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:32,761 Aren't you going to do anything? 46 00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:34,154 Well, like what? 47 00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,852 Like something official or what? 48 00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:39,202 Do something, Major. 49 00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:41,509 My honor is in your hands. 50 00:02:43,511 --> 00:02:45,034 [sighs] 51 00:02:47,863 --> 00:02:50,779 McIntyre, step aside. 52 00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:53,999 Major Houlihan, I'm, uh, sorry 53 00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:55,479 you have to see this. 54 00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:10,059 [gasp] 55 00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:13,497 ♪ Fools rush in where angels fear to tread ♪ 56 00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:15,195 Get your dirty hands off me! 57 00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:16,718 Frank, I just washed 'em. 58 00:03:16,761 --> 00:03:18,589 Captain Pierce, 59 00:03:18,633 --> 00:03:21,418 I accuse you of striking a superior officer, 60 00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:23,681 a court martial offense under the Articles of War, 61 00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:25,683 and I have two witnesses. 62 00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,337 I didn't see anything. Did you? 63 00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:28,860 My back was turned. Ba-dum-bump. 64 00:03:28,904 --> 00:03:29,948 Case dismissed. 65 00:03:29,992 --> 00:03:31,863 I'm a witness! 66 00:03:31,907 --> 00:03:33,387 Oh, Frank. 67 00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:35,302 I better see a doctor. 68 00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:38,043 Is there anybody who isn't mad at me? 69 00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:39,610 Why don't you forget the whole thing? 70 00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,569 I mean, it was just a little squabble. 71 00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:43,440 He struck a superior offiicer! 72 00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:45,964 Look, Frank, we're all a bundle of nerves. 73 00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:48,228 What the heck. I yell at Radar all the time. 74 00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:50,186 I know you love me, sir. 75 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,884 I mean, the war's makin' us all buggy, Frank. 76 00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:55,409 I've had my underwear on backwards for a month. 77 00:03:55,452 --> 00:03:56,975 Now come on. 78 00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,673 Pierce will apologize. Won't you, Pierce? 79 00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,022 I apologize. 80 00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:01,458 There you go. That's a good Indian. 81 00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:02,894 It's settled. Let's see. 82 00:04:02,938 --> 00:04:04,809 I gotta order glazed fruit for Christmas. 83 00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:06,420 Apology refused. 84 00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:08,204 I want him court-martialed! 85 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:11,860 Well-- Now, come on. Let's just be buddies. 86 00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:13,427 I'll tell you what. 87 00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:15,385 Now, you can borrow my jeep, 88 00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:17,779 go into town and see the cock fights. 89 00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:19,737 I can't stand to see a chicken cry. 90 00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:21,130 Court martial. 91 00:04:21,173 --> 00:04:22,523 Aw, Jiminy Crickets, Frank! 92 00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:23,915 Do you know what has to be done 93 00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:25,221 to court martial somebody? 94 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,962 I mean, the-the paperwork? 95 00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:29,269 "Pending the completion of the preliminary investigation 96 00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:31,706 "by the C.O., the accused officer 97 00:04:31,749 --> 00:04:33,882 is relieved of duty and placed under house arrest." 98 00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:35,840 He can't leave his tent. 99 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,148 You mean I just get to stay in and sleep 100 00:04:39,191 --> 00:04:40,454 and eat meals and read? 101 00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:41,629 Yes, sir. 102 00:04:41,672 --> 00:04:43,413 Take me, I'm yours. I surrender. 103 00:04:43,457 --> 00:04:46,198 And I'll fight to the death any chance to set me free. 104 00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:48,636 You think it's funny now, but what are you gonna do 105 00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:50,551 during your five years in Leavenworth? 106 00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:52,292 I don't know. Maybe I'll get married. 107 00:04:57,949 --> 00:04:59,342 -Radar? -Yes, sir? 108 00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:00,430 Get out. 109 00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:09,874 [groan] 110 00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:13,835 Colonel Reese, Major Houlihan. 111 00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,837 They haven't lubed this clunker 112 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,795 since Pershing was a pup. 113 00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:20,189 Ah... Colonel Blake would have been here himself to greet you, 114 00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:21,843 but he's involved with a court martial 115 00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:23,453 and some glazed fruit. 116 00:05:23,497 --> 00:05:25,368 Glazed fruit? That'll tear your partial. 117 00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:26,891 I'll have an enlisted man get your bag. 118 00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:28,197 Ah, it's light. 119 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,894 All I got in here is fatigues, skivvies, 120 00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:31,766 and an extra garter belt 121 00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,594 in case you guys have a dance. 122 00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:35,117 You'll be staying in my tent. 123 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,858 Oh, fair enough. 124 00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:39,382 M.P.s? Is that where you keep the payroll? 125 00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:41,166 Mission accomplished. Take me home. 126 00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:43,343 Oh, a stranger in town. 127 00:05:43,386 --> 00:05:45,301 Don't talk to me. I'm bad. 128 00:05:47,216 --> 00:05:48,696 Pick me up at 8:00. 129 00:05:48,739 --> 00:05:50,437 I'll be dining at Sardi's tonight. 130 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:53,353 What'll I wear? What'll I wear? 131 00:05:53,396 --> 00:05:56,181 See that my bathrobe is back from the cleaners in time. 132 00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:00,621 Pretty cute. Who is he? 133 00:06:00,664 --> 00:06:02,187 Captain Pierce. 134 00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:04,581 He's under house arrest awaiting court martial. 135 00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:07,410 Grabbed a nurse and jumped her bones, right? 136 00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:09,630 -Oh, no. -Pity. 137 00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:15,026 Ahem. 138 00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:17,289 Colonel Reese, Major Burns. 139 00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:19,814 Uh, welcome to the MASH 4077th, Colonel. 140 00:06:19,857 --> 00:06:23,165 A little number 3 pancake will take care of that. 141 00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:25,297 That would be your bed there, ma'am. 142 00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:27,038 Oh, thank you. 143 00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:29,476 Uh, Major Houlihan, um, can I see you outside? 144 00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:32,392 Camp business, uh, for your ears only. 145 00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:34,959 Just go ahead. I wanna massage my gums. 146 00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:44,447 Why does she have to bunk with you? 147 00:06:47,015 --> 00:06:49,844 Because it's the only space in officers' country. 148 00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:53,804 Well, how can we be alone? 149 00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:54,936 We can't. 150 00:06:56,459 --> 00:06:58,548 Margaret, I need our togetherness. 151 00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:00,289 Without it, I'm desolate. 152 00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:02,030 I miss our spiritual oneness, 153 00:07:02,073 --> 00:07:04,467 the blessed union of our souls. 154 00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:06,774 And I'll break out. 155 00:07:06,817 --> 00:07:09,167 It'll only be for a few days. 156 00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:10,821 It'll be an eternity. 157 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:16,436 Be patient. Write me a nice poem. 158 00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:18,263 It's not the same. 159 00:07:21,658 --> 00:07:23,617 My gums are singing! 160 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,923 Oh, I believe very strongly in oral hygiene. 161 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:28,709 Your gums are the best friends your teeth have. 162 00:07:28,752 --> 00:07:32,539 -Now then, tell me about that doll. -Ma'am? 163 00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,324 The sheik who was just in here. Major What's-his-name. 164 00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:37,805 Uh, Burns. 165 00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:40,198 -Married? -In a way. 166 00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:42,287 Uh-huh. You and he playing doctor? 167 00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:44,333 No! 168 00:07:45,856 --> 00:07:49,207 Well, he's a very... 169 00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:53,255 shy, serious... 170 00:07:53,298 --> 00:07:57,215 uh, responsible person. 171 00:07:57,259 --> 00:08:00,523 Listen, honey, take it from an old campaigner. 172 00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:03,047 It's those dumb-lookin' quiet ones 173 00:08:03,091 --> 00:08:05,528 with the clenched teeth that really go. 174 00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:10,925 ♪ I'm back in the saddle again ♪ 175 00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,796 [whistling] 176 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:17,061 And then I said to everybody, 177 00:08:17,105 --> 00:08:20,369 "Watch out for that bar of soap. 178 00:08:20,412 --> 00:08:24,155 Look out for that bar of soap, everybody." 179 00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:26,027 I specifically told Major Burns 180 00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:27,594 that a bar of soap on the floor 181 00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:29,334 can be very slippery. 182 00:08:29,378 --> 00:08:31,249 Frank says Pierce hit him. 183 00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:32,860 Oh, no, no, Henry. 184 00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:34,209 When Frank fell on the soap, 185 00:08:34,252 --> 00:08:36,298 Hawkeye tried to break his fall. 186 00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:39,606 By jamming his fist in Frank's eye? 187 00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:42,565 Radar, I lengthened your pants three inches. 188 00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,219 Not now. 189 00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:46,047 Why'd you want your pants three inches longer? 190 00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:47,527 Later! 191 00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:50,181 Okay, okay, but this is the last time I deliver. 192 00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:52,575 Klinger, it's 4:00 in the afternoon, 193 00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,272 and you're still in a housecoat? 194 00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:55,796 Put on a dress. 195 00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:57,798 You never know who might be coming around. 196 00:08:57,841 --> 00:08:59,016 Yes, sir. 197 00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:02,193 Boy, oh, boy. 198 00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:04,935 You gotta stay on top of these guys every second. 199 00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:06,720 All right, go ahead, McIntyre. 200 00:09:06,763 --> 00:09:10,027 Now, you said you warned Frank about the, uh-- 201 00:09:10,071 --> 00:09:13,770 Hey, why did you have your pants lengthened three inches? 202 00:09:13,814 --> 00:09:15,685 They were chafing, sir. 203 00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:19,080 I can let you have some baby powder. 204 00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:21,386 I'd rather let my pants down, sir. 205 00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:24,259 Hey, let's just wrap this up, huh? 206 00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:26,304 All right, now how did Frank get the black eye? 207 00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:28,045 When he fell, he hit the sink. 208 00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:29,351 -Whammo! -Right! 209 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:30,961 Should I write "whammo," sir? 210 00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:32,615 Uh, no, no, it doesn't sound too G.I. 211 00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:34,138 Make it, uh-- 212 00:09:34,182 --> 00:09:35,487 Socko. 213 00:09:35,531 --> 00:09:37,011 Uh, no, no, that's too Moon Mullins. 214 00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:38,882 Make it "bam." 215 00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:41,929 Okay, so Frank slipped, fell... 216 00:09:41,972 --> 00:09:43,365 hit the sink. 217 00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,193 -That's my testimony. -Okey dokey. 218 00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:46,368 "Okey dokey." 219 00:09:46,411 --> 00:09:47,543 Uh, no, strike the "okey dokey." 220 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,458 Make it, uh, "very well." 221 00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:50,590 "Very well." 222 00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:57,466 Frank, would you mind not combing your hair so loud? 223 00:09:57,509 --> 00:09:59,468 I have very quiet hair. 224 00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:01,035 And don't use that tone with me. 225 00:10:01,078 --> 00:10:02,645 You're a prisoner of war. 226 00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:04,691 And loving every minute of it. 227 00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:06,040 I really appreciate 228 00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:07,476 your falling down on that bar of soap 229 00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:09,826 and making everybody believe I hit you. 230 00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:12,960 You still don't realize that you're under house arrest. 231 00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:14,962 That you're not a free man. 232 00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:16,528 Now watch this. 233 00:10:19,140 --> 00:10:21,664 I can step out. I can step in. 234 00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:23,274 Out. In. 235 00:10:23,318 --> 00:10:25,494 Out. In. 236 00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,191 That's a free man! 237 00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:28,410 Very good. 238 00:10:28,453 --> 00:10:29,672 Now let's see you go to Tahiti 239 00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:30,934 for the leprosy festival. 240 00:10:32,893 --> 00:10:34,416 Well, what did you have for dinner, McIntyre? 241 00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:36,244 -Hash. -With a poached egg? 242 00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:38,333 That or an eye was looking out of it. 243 00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:41,336 That kind of talk tightens my colon. 244 00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:45,949 Ta-da! 245 00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:47,647 -Steak? -Mm-hmm. 246 00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:48,822 Real steak? 247 00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:50,301 You know my views on cannibalism. 248 00:10:50,345 --> 00:10:51,738 Mess Sergeant Gifford fixed it for you 249 00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:53,043 when he heard you belted Frank. 250 00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:54,915 Where'd he get it? 251 00:10:54,958 --> 00:10:57,091 It's water buffalo. 252 00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:58,832 It's probably as tough as a rubber sheet. 253 00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,572 No, no. 254 00:11:00,616 --> 00:11:02,618 A little old lady rode it to church every Sunday. 255 00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:07,623 Mmm! 256 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,016 Mmm! 257 00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:12,236 Oh. Now that's what I call church buffalo. 258 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,629 Try it. 259 00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:19,504 -Mmm! Mmm! -Excuse me, Hawkeye. 260 00:11:19,548 --> 00:11:21,115 I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner. 261 00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,551 Sit down, Father. 262 00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:24,596 I'm here in an official capacity. 263 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,511 Mm-hmm. 264 00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:27,817 Is that steak? 265 00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:29,863 TRAPPER: Mm-hmm! 266 00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:32,387 I brought you a prisoner of war package. 267 00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,261 Real steak? 268 00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:38,610 Water buffalo. 269 00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:40,264 And it's only got a hundred miles on it. 270 00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:41,222 Try it. 271 00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:47,707 Mmm! 272 00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:49,839 Mmm! 273 00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:51,145 Now that's delicious. 274 00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:53,147 TRAPPER: Mm-hmm. 275 00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:55,192 Oh, my. 276 00:11:55,236 --> 00:11:57,064 This is Friday. 277 00:11:57,107 --> 00:12:00,589 No, it's Saturday. We're over the date line. 278 00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:01,764 [sigh] 279 00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:06,203 Phew. Oh, dear. That was close. 280 00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:08,771 -Father, why? -Oh. 281 00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:10,860 According to the Geneva Convention, 282 00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:13,428 each prisoner is entitled to this package. 283 00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:16,474 You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, 284 00:12:16,518 --> 00:12:18,738 a wash cloth, and four Oreo cookies. 285 00:12:20,914 --> 00:12:22,393 Father, that's for a prisoner of war. 286 00:12:22,437 --> 00:12:24,004 I'm one of ours. 287 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:27,616 In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner. 288 00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:30,053 Well, thanks. 289 00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:32,142 And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me. 290 00:12:32,186 --> 00:12:34,492 Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it. 291 00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:36,451 Ha ha ha. That was good. 292 00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:39,062 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention. Due to last night's groping, 293 00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:41,804 tomorrow night's movie will be shown with the lights on. 294 00:12:41,848 --> 00:12:43,458 What's the movie? What's playing? 295 00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:46,504 Uh, a Gene Tierney picture, I believe. 296 00:12:46,548 --> 00:12:49,246 Oh, I love her overbite. 297 00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:51,248 An overbite really gets to me. 298 00:12:51,292 --> 00:12:52,989 Gene Tierney, Harriet Mackey. 299 00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:55,339 Harriet Mackey? 300 00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:58,342 Junior high. Gene Tierney in a training bra. 301 00:13:00,344 --> 00:13:02,346 I'd really like to see that movie, Father. 302 00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:04,914 Let me work on it. 303 00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:07,743 Father, you're the button in the cap of kindness. 304 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:11,225 [laughs] The button-- 305 00:13:11,268 --> 00:13:13,357 -Can I use that? -Be my guest. 306 00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:19,102 -[sigh] -What's the matter? 307 00:13:19,146 --> 00:13:20,712 I got a stomach-ache. 308 00:13:20,756 --> 00:13:22,453 I think you ate my meal too fast. 309 00:13:24,194 --> 00:13:25,543 Well, you used to send it out 310 00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:28,155 by helicopter, for heck's sake. 311 00:13:28,198 --> 00:13:31,027 Oh, yeah? Well, this is Colonel Blake calling, 312 00:13:31,071 --> 00:13:32,942 and I want that out here by 1300 hours! 313 00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:35,118 And that's an order, Captain! 314 00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:38,556 -Radar? -Sir? 315 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,863 Since when have you been promoted to me? 316 00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:43,474 Uh, well, uh... 317 00:13:43,518 --> 00:13:45,955 me saying that I'm you is just like using your rubber stamp, 318 00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:47,652 only you can hear it. 319 00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:50,046 Well, why the chewing out? 320 00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,005 The mail's three hours late, 321 00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:55,051 and I'm expecting something kind of special. 322 00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:57,010 Radar, you still haven't finished 323 00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:59,403 your other glass pistol full of candy. 324 00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:02,015 Now be a good little fella and relax. 325 00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:04,234 You got 18 more months to wait for the mail. 326 00:14:04,278 --> 00:14:06,236 -Okay? -Yes, sir. 327 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,759 I'll be down at the new latrine. 328 00:14:07,803 --> 00:14:09,674 Father Mulcahy's blessing the lye. 329 00:14:14,375 --> 00:14:16,333 "Be a good little fella." 330 00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:19,510 "Be a good littlefella." I'll show 'em. 331 00:14:19,554 --> 00:14:22,296 -Metzenbaum scissors. -Metz. 332 00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:23,863 See that, Major? 333 00:14:23,906 --> 00:14:25,473 If you keep your straight scissors facing up, 334 00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:26,822 your curved ones facing down, 335 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,258 you'll never get them mixed up. 336 00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:32,088 -Yes, ma'am. -Little more 3-0 silk. 337 00:14:32,132 --> 00:14:34,874 Sutures here, retractors there, 338 00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:37,093 an army and navy goulet, and ribbon. 339 00:14:37,137 --> 00:14:38,529 And in this basin, 340 00:14:38,573 --> 00:14:40,880 the Richardson balfour and deaver. 341 00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:45,406 You see, the idea is to develop a working rhythm 342 00:14:45,449 --> 00:14:47,582 with your, uh, surgeon. Excuse me. 343 00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:50,411 Mm-hmm. 344 00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,022 Done. 345 00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:54,763 Okay, would you put a dressing on that, Major? 346 00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:57,026 -Yes, Doctor. -Bravo! [chuckle] 347 00:14:57,070 --> 00:14:59,159 Bravissimo. 348 00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:00,987 You got your own place, 349 00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:02,640 or do you live with your folks? 350 00:15:12,085 --> 00:15:14,304 [coughing] 351 00:15:14,348 --> 00:15:15,827 I have no interest in hiring that woman 352 00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:17,525 for a housekeeper or any other... 353 00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,005 TRAPPER: You can hire me. 354 00:15:19,048 --> 00:15:20,571 [laughter] 355 00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:27,317 -Hey! -Down in front! 356 00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:29,929 MAN: Sit down! WOMAN: You're in the picture. 357 00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:32,322 MULCAHY: I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. 358 00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:33,976 HAWKEYE: That's all right. 359 00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:35,456 [movie dialogue continues] 360 00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:41,201 TRAPPER: Hey, get the flyswatter out of the soup. 361 00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:42,637 Are they married? 362 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,987 -Hey! -Sit down. 363 00:15:48,382 --> 00:15:50,427 Gwen, sit down. 364 00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:52,952 Captain Pierce! 365 00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:54,605 I'm clean. 366 00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:57,957 Sorry, I was, uh, reaching for my hanky. 367 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,263 Hey, more popcorn, everybody. Who wants popcorn? 368 00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:01,395 [all shouting] 369 00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:03,397 Popcorn! Hey, is it hot? 370 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,051 -There you go. -Huh? 371 00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:08,271 Sit down, McIntyre! 372 00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:11,057 I've lost the story. Who's this guy? 373 00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,320 TRAPPER: Vincent Price. 374 00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:14,495 I don't understand it, Ellen. 375 00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:16,279 Boo! 376 00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:17,411 MULCAHY: Here, here. 377 00:16:17,454 --> 00:16:19,369 Don't judge him too harshly. 378 00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:22,329 After all, the other chap was coveting his neighbor's wife. 379 00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:24,592 Father Hollywood. 380 00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:27,029 Drink up, for tomorrow we die. 381 00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:29,553 If I drink too much, I'll get hot flashes. 382 00:16:29,597 --> 00:16:31,686 We'll take pictures. 383 00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:34,994 Will you marry me? 384 00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:38,127 Why, you unpredictable little-- 385 00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:40,564 [cheering] 386 00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:42,479 What, what, what, what? 387 00:16:42,523 --> 00:16:45,874 Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney. 388 00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:47,136 On the teeth? 389 00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:48,877 Right smack on. 390 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,923 If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him. 391 00:16:54,796 --> 00:16:57,451 And I'll never let you go. 392 00:16:57,494 --> 00:17:00,845 Never, never, never. 393 00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:02,673 Hey, hot dogs! Red hots! 394 00:17:02,717 --> 00:17:03,935 [cheering] 395 00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:05,459 Get your hot dogs right here! 396 00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:06,851 -Hot dogs! -Aah! 397 00:17:06,895 --> 00:17:10,594 [chuckle] Just reaching for my frankfurter. 398 00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:12,335 This will make you feel a lot better. 399 00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:21,649 What's going on here? A movie in my quarters? 400 00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:24,913 Yes, sir. Uh, Captain Pierce ain't allowed out. 401 00:17:24,956 --> 00:17:26,654 That's the way she wants it... 402 00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:28,656 There must be 50 people in there. 403 00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:32,138 I need my tweezers. I have a hair in my mole. 404 00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:34,270 I'm sorry, sir. 405 00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:36,403 This whole post is potty. 406 00:17:36,446 --> 00:17:38,796 The man's a prisoner, and he's treated like the Aga Khan. 407 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:40,102 MULCAHY: Shh, shh, shh. 408 00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:42,148 The wedding scene's about to begin. 409 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,499 Well, I'm going to the C.O. 410 00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:46,717 Yes, sir. 411 00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:51,853 You've always made me. 412 00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:53,811 You did tell me not to let him swim the lake 413 00:17:53,855 --> 00:17:55,422 -unless you were with us, but-- -[sniffle] 414 00:17:55,465 --> 00:17:57,554 ...but we wanted to surprise you. 415 00:17:57,598 --> 00:18:00,470 Danny was so happy. 416 00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:02,994 He'd been doing so well. He swam three-quarters-- 417 00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:04,518 [Henry sniffling] 418 00:18:04,561 --> 00:18:07,216 He's very deep. 419 00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:08,826 GENE TIERNEY AS ELLEN: ...there was no danger. 420 00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:10,785 I looked away for a moment, 421 00:18:10,828 --> 00:18:12,830 and then, when I looked back, Danny was sinking. 422 00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:15,137 I pulled at the oars... 423 00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:17,139 KLINGER: "Congratulations, big guy. 424 00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:19,141 "Now you are taller than she is." 425 00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:21,665 Oh, boy, they fit! 426 00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:23,885 "O'Brien and Brophy's elevated shoes 427 00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:25,843 "will bring you a new confidence, 428 00:18:25,887 --> 00:18:28,629 "a better personality and real class. 429 00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:33,634 But ha-ha, watch out for low branches." 430 00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:35,723 This is it, Klinger. 431 00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:42,469 Wow! 432 00:18:42,512 --> 00:18:44,558 Hey, look at you! 433 00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,560 I'm a real person. 434 00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,694 No, let me try it solo. 435 00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:57,005 -Easy. -It's all right. 436 00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:04,143 Corporal, I wanna see Colonel Blake. 437 00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:06,406 Uh, he's at the movie right now, sir. 438 00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:08,234 Oh, nertz. 439 00:19:10,671 --> 00:19:12,194 What have you done to yourself? 440 00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:13,717 Sir? 441 00:19:14,849 --> 00:19:16,285 Well, you look different. 442 00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:18,766 You changed the part in your hair. 443 00:19:18,809 --> 00:19:21,464 -Uh, no, sir. -Hmm. 444 00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:26,469 New glasses. That's it. 445 00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:28,689 Well, they give you a look of authority, Corporal. 446 00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:29,951 Dignity. 447 00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:32,693 Oh, well, thank you, sir. 448 00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:34,085 [chuckling] 449 00:19:35,652 --> 00:19:38,960 Did you hear that? No more "little guy." 450 00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:41,702 Authority. Dignity. 451 00:19:41,745 --> 00:19:42,746 Wait a minute. 452 00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:43,791 Look out! 453 00:19:45,009 --> 00:19:46,054 Look out! 454 00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:53,017 Oh, um, I was looking for Major Houlihan. 455 00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:54,976 She's in post-op. Come on in, Major. 456 00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:56,369 I don't wanna bother you. 457 00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:57,848 I see you're doing your nails, and I-- 458 00:19:57,892 --> 00:19:59,241 Just sharpening the old claws. 459 00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:01,548 Never know when they might be useful. 460 00:20:01,591 --> 00:20:03,114 Well, I'm rather upset. 461 00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:04,464 Perhaps I'll take two aspirin 462 00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:05,900 and go lie down under a tree. 463 00:20:05,943 --> 00:20:07,249 I can see the tension. Sit down, doll. 464 00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:09,338 Well, I-- 465 00:20:09,382 --> 00:20:10,774 Now, now, hon. 466 00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:13,777 You tell the old colonel all about it. 467 00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:17,738 I'm, uh, cursed with perfection. 468 00:20:17,781 --> 00:20:19,043 Aw. 469 00:20:19,087 --> 00:20:21,045 Even as a child, I always sorted my marbles 470 00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:23,309 according to size and degree of quality. 471 00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:26,790 I had my "nibs," "aggies," "puries" and "shooters." 472 00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:28,444 Sounds like a terrific kid. 473 00:20:28,488 --> 00:20:29,706 [chuckling] 474 00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,230 I was a swell boy. 475 00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:33,406 Pressed corduroy knickers, 476 00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:36,060 matching stocking and sweater set. 477 00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:38,280 You're still so tidy and neat. 478 00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:39,716 [sniffing] Oh, what is that? 479 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,676 Oh, my after shave. Rough and Ready. 480 00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:46,070 So masculine. Gets right to me. 481 00:20:46,114 --> 00:20:49,030 I, um-- I hear your marriage 482 00:20:49,073 --> 00:20:50,640 isn't all beer and skittles. 483 00:20:50,684 --> 00:20:52,294 Oh, Louise. 484 00:20:52,338 --> 00:20:53,774 She has no sense of order. 485 00:20:53,817 --> 00:20:55,079 She's always getting into my drawer 486 00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:56,298 and mixing up my marbles. 487 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:58,257 Poor baby. 488 00:20:58,300 --> 00:20:59,649 Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. 489 00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:00,868 Rest stop. 490 00:21:03,740 --> 00:21:05,264 How's the movie? 491 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:06,700 Captain Pierce. 492 00:21:09,703 --> 00:21:11,357 Radar, what's happened? 493 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,749 Happened? 494 00:21:12,793 --> 00:21:14,055 Hey, either you've been raised, 495 00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:15,970 or the camp's been lowered. 496 00:21:17,798 --> 00:21:19,147 Oh, Radar. You don't need those. 497 00:21:19,190 --> 00:21:20,888 [whispering] 498 00:21:20,931 --> 00:21:22,933 Yeah, sure, go ahead. 499 00:21:22,977 --> 00:21:24,631 I'll meet you inside. 500 00:21:24,674 --> 00:21:25,980 Mention my name. 501 00:21:27,982 --> 00:21:29,113 Why? 502 00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:32,291 Listen, 503 00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:35,163 you don't know what it's like being short. 504 00:21:35,206 --> 00:21:38,949 I mean, always being the last one to be picked for the team. 505 00:21:38,993 --> 00:21:40,603 Looking girls straight in the throat. 506 00:21:40,647 --> 00:21:43,867 Never being able to see over the crowd. 507 00:21:43,911 --> 00:21:45,608 Do you know that the only parade I've ever seen 508 00:21:45,652 --> 00:21:46,957 was one I was in? 509 00:21:48,437 --> 00:21:50,221 Everybody's always making fun of me. 510 00:21:50,265 --> 00:21:52,572 Even you. 511 00:21:52,615 --> 00:21:54,313 Well, then I was out of line. 512 00:21:56,576 --> 00:21:58,926 Listen. 513 00:21:58,969 --> 00:22:00,971 There's height that people never see. 514 00:22:02,712 --> 00:22:03,844 Some guys are ten feet tall, 515 00:22:03,887 --> 00:22:05,498 only their bodies don't know it. 516 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,327 Honest? 517 00:22:08,370 --> 00:22:09,893 PROJECTIONIST: Showtime, showtime. 518 00:22:09,937 --> 00:22:12,113 [cheering, applause] 519 00:22:12,156 --> 00:22:13,506 Sell those to somebody little. 520 00:22:15,029 --> 00:22:17,771 We waited, sir, then we went ahead without you. 521 00:22:19,512 --> 00:22:21,601 It's gonna be so lonely. 522 00:22:28,782 --> 00:22:30,958 Well, I'm not usually one for the hard stuff, Colonel. 523 00:22:31,001 --> 00:22:33,526 This is just fruit juice, Major, honey. 524 00:22:33,569 --> 00:22:35,484 Just blackberry brandy. Upsa-daisy now. 525 00:22:35,528 --> 00:22:37,312 Down the old hatch. [chuckle] 526 00:22:38,705 --> 00:22:41,055 Ohh. Oh. Whoo! 527 00:22:41,098 --> 00:22:42,709 That makes my feet tingle. 528 00:22:42,752 --> 00:22:44,885 That'll put lead in your Eberhardt Faber. 529 00:22:46,930 --> 00:22:48,236 I wish you wouldn't do that. 530 00:22:48,279 --> 00:22:49,455 I hardly know you. 531 00:22:49,498 --> 00:22:50,934 Now what's to know? 532 00:22:50,978 --> 00:22:52,806 You're a man, I'm a woman, 533 00:22:52,849 --> 00:22:54,547 trapped together in the ravages of war. 534 00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:55,939 But we're officers! 535 00:22:57,419 --> 00:23:00,422 Where do you think noncoms come from? 536 00:23:00,466 --> 00:23:02,859 The blood should run in over the next two hours. 537 00:23:02,903 --> 00:23:04,208 Yes, ma'am. 538 00:23:04,252 --> 00:23:05,601 I'm gonna put in some sack time. 539 00:23:05,645 --> 00:23:06,646 Okay. Good night, ma'am. 540 00:23:06,689 --> 00:23:07,647 Good night. 541 00:23:08,865 --> 00:23:11,302 Oh, please. We've just met. 542 00:23:11,346 --> 00:23:12,826 You little fool. 543 00:23:12,869 --> 00:23:14,871 Don't you know I can do things for you? 544 00:23:14,915 --> 00:23:17,874 -Things? -I hold the Pentagon in the palm of my hand. 545 00:23:17,918 --> 00:23:19,789 How would you like stateside? 546 00:23:19,833 --> 00:23:22,662 Would you like to play the Palace? Walter Reed Hospital? 547 00:23:22,705 --> 00:23:24,446 Washington D.C.? 548 00:23:24,490 --> 00:23:25,926 Roger. 549 00:23:25,969 --> 00:23:27,449 You could take care 550 00:23:27,493 --> 00:23:29,059 of the biggest people in the country-- 551 00:23:29,103 --> 00:23:31,192 senators, congressman. 552 00:23:31,235 --> 00:23:33,020 G-men? 553 00:23:33,063 --> 00:23:35,457 I can put J. Edgar Hoover's gallstones 554 00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:37,416 right in your pocket. 555 00:23:38,982 --> 00:23:42,116 How does that strike you, Colonel Burns? 556 00:23:42,159 --> 00:23:43,900 -Huh? -Come on. Pucker up. Come on. 557 00:23:43,944 --> 00:23:45,989 Colonel? 558 00:23:46,033 --> 00:23:48,688 [muffled grunting] 559 00:23:48,731 --> 00:23:50,037 Oh, well! 560 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,213 Rape! Rape! 561 00:23:52,256 --> 00:23:54,171 -What? What? -Rape! 562 00:23:54,215 --> 00:23:57,044 Rape! Rape! 563 00:23:57,087 --> 00:23:58,611 -Colonel Blake? -Yo. 564 00:23:58,654 --> 00:24:00,003 Somebody's hollering "rape." 565 00:24:00,047 --> 00:24:01,265 -Rape? -Rape? 566 00:24:01,309 --> 00:24:03,006 What a night. A movie and vaudeville. 567 00:24:05,922 --> 00:24:07,446 I didn't do anything! 568 00:24:07,489 --> 00:24:08,664 We were drinking fruit juice, 569 00:24:08,708 --> 00:24:10,492 talking about my marbles, 570 00:24:10,536 --> 00:24:12,581 J. Edgar Hoover's gallstones. 571 00:24:12,625 --> 00:24:14,409 What happened? 572 00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:16,455 The man is a savage. 573 00:24:18,195 --> 00:24:19,893 You mean he-- 574 00:24:19,936 --> 00:24:22,069 Well, what do you want me to do about it, Colonel? 575 00:24:22,112 --> 00:24:24,071 File charges. 576 00:24:24,114 --> 00:24:26,334 I don't want him sharing my house arrest. 577 00:24:26,377 --> 00:24:28,467 You're innocent, Doctor. 578 00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:31,513 He slipped on a bar of soap! 579 00:24:31,557 --> 00:24:32,819 Margaret, that-- 580 00:24:34,777 --> 00:24:37,563 I never been to a rape before. 581 00:24:37,606 --> 00:24:40,043 Maybe for your next birthday. 582 00:24:40,087 --> 00:24:42,393 I'm gonna miss the movie! 583 00:24:42,437 --> 00:24:44,047 All right, Burns, in my office. 584 00:24:44,091 --> 00:24:46,615 Colonel, I have a few questions. 585 00:24:46,659 --> 00:24:48,399 -FRANK: Colonel! -HENRY: What happened? 586 00:24:55,450 --> 00:24:56,799 Excuse me, sir. 587 00:25:01,064 --> 00:25:03,327 -Much better, Radar. -Thank you, sir. 588 00:25:03,371 --> 00:25:07,201 C-rations? You had steak. 589 00:25:07,244 --> 00:25:08,594 Well, Frank, I was just a puncher. 590 00:25:08,637 --> 00:25:10,334 You're a jumper. 591 00:25:10,378 --> 00:25:11,988 This is terrible. 592 00:25:12,032 --> 00:25:14,338 And what am I gonna tell my wife? 593 00:25:14,382 --> 00:25:16,558 The truth is always the best, Frank. 594 00:25:16,602 --> 00:25:18,212 You were waiting for your mistress, 595 00:25:18,255 --> 00:25:20,083 and you got impatient and attacked another woman. 596 00:25:20,127 --> 00:25:21,476 You're a creep. 597 00:25:22,738 --> 00:25:24,174 Yeah, but I'm free. 598 00:25:24,218 --> 00:25:25,306 You're a prisoner. 599 00:25:25,349 --> 00:25:27,264 I can go out. I can go in. 600 00:25:27,308 --> 00:25:29,832 Out. In. Out. In. 601 00:25:29,876 --> 00:25:31,486 In. Out. Out. In. 602 00:25:36,230 --> 00:25:38,362 ♪♪ [theme] 41290

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