All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E18 - House Arrest (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

Corporal Stanley Salkowitz,
acting camp librarian,

wishes to announce
the delivery

of 100 copies of
Rumpelstiltskin.

Another shipment
of dirty books.

-Clamp.
-Clamp.

Come on. Points up!
Get with it, will you?

This kid's spleen
is full of lead
from a claymore.

I'm sorry, Doctor.

What the hell's
wrong with you?

Three mistakes
on one spleen.

-More suction.
-Right.

I'm just so nervous about
Colonel Reese coming.

Oh, don't tell me.
What is he,

another root canal
wizard from Passaic?

It's a she.
A very important nurse.

The most decorated
nurse in the army.

Great. We can
put our Christmas
presents under her.

[object clattering on floor]

Major, go roll
some bandages.

-Baker, take over
here, will you?
-Yes, sir.

-Wait a minute!
-Come on.

Go ahead. Go ahead.
I'll see you later.

I smell nurse burning.

Yeah. Give her a rabies shot
before she bites somebody.

Give me a clamp.

Very good.

If you can't keep your mind
on your job, Major ma'am,

then stay out of the O.R.

Major Burns,
make him stop!

Pierce, as your
superior officer,

I order you to cease
this harassing.

Watch your language, Frank.

You stay out of this, Keed.

I can't allow dirty language
in front of Captain Pierce.

I promised his mother.

I know my job!

I didn't get to be major
by just sitting on my duff.

Well, somebody did.

Just what did you
mean by that?

I demand satisfaction.

Tired lately, Frank?

Major Burns, he has insulted
me time and time again.

Aren't you going
to do anything?

Well, like what?

Like something
official or what?

Do something, Major.

My honor is in your hands.

[sighs]

McIntyre, step aside.

Major Houlihan,
I'm, uh, sorry

you have to
see this.

[gasp]

♪ Fools rush in where
angels fear to tread ♪

Get your dirty
hands off me!

Frank, I just washed 'em.

Captain Pierce,

I accuse you of striking
a superior officer,

a court martial offense
under the Articles of War,

and I have two witnesses.

I didn't see anything.
Did you?

My back was turned.
Ba-dum-bump.

Case dismissed.

I'm a witness!

Oh, Frank.

I better see a doctor.

Is there anybody
who isn't mad at me?

Why don't you forget
the whole thing?

I mean, it was just
a little squabble.

He struck
a superior offiicer!

Look, Frank, we're all
a bundle of nerves.

What the heck. I yell
at Radar all the time.

I know you love me, sir.

I mean, the war's makin'
us all buggy, Frank.

I've had my underwear
on backwards for a month.

Now come on.

Pierce will apologize.
Won't you, Pierce?

I apologize.

There you go.
That's a good Indian.

It's settled. Let's see.

I gotta order glazed
fruit for Christmas.

Apology refused.

I want him
court-martialed!

Well-- Now, come on.
Let's just be buddies.

I'll tell you what.

Now, you can
borrow my jeep,

go into town and see
the cock fights.

I can't stand to
see a chicken cry.

Court martial.

Aw, Jiminy Crickets, Frank!

Do you know
what has to be done

to court martial somebody?

I mean, the-the paperwork?

"Pending the completion of
the preliminary investigation

"by the C.O.,
the accused officer

is relieved of duty and
placed under house arrest."

He can't leave his tent.

You mean I just get
to stay in and sleep

and eat meals and read?

Yes, sir.

Take me, I'm yours.
I surrender.

And I'll fight to the death
any chance to set me free.

You think it's funny now,
but what are you gonna do

during your five years
in Leavenworth?

I don't know. Maybe
I'll get married.

-Radar?
-Yes, sir?

Get out.

[groan]

Colonel Reese,
Major Houlihan.

They haven't lubed
this clunker

since Pershing was a pup.

Ah...
Colonel Blake would have been
here himself to greet you,

but he's involved
with a court martial

and some glazed fruit.

Glazed fruit?
That'll tear your partial.

I'll have an enlisted man
get your bag.

Ah, it's light.

All I got in here is
fatigues, skivvies,

and an extra garter belt

in case you guys
have a dance.

You'll be staying
in my tent.

Oh, fair enough.

M.P.s? Is that where
you keep the payroll?

Mission accomplished.
Take me home.

Oh, a stranger in town.

Don't talk to me.
I'm bad.

Pick me up at 8:00.

I'll be dining
at Sardi's tonight.

What'll I wear?
What'll I wear?

See that my bathrobe is back
from the cleaners in time.

Pretty cute. Who is he?

Captain Pierce.

He's under house arrest
awaiting court martial.

Grabbed a nurse and
jumped her bones, right?

-Oh, no.
-Pity.

Ahem.

Colonel Reese,
Major Burns.

Uh, welcome to
the MASH 4077th, Colonel.

A little number 3 pancake
will take care of that.

That would be
your bed there, ma'am.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, Major Houlihan, um,
can I see you outside?

Camp business, uh,
for your ears only.

Just go ahead.
I wanna massage my gums.

Why does she have
to bunk with you?

Because it's the only space
in officers' country.

Well, how can we be alone?

We can't.

Margaret, I need
our togetherness.

Without it, I'm desolate.

I miss our
spiritual oneness,

the blessed union
of our souls.

And I'll break out.

It'll only be
for a few days.

It'll be an eternity.

Be patient.
Write me a nice poem.

It's not the same.

My gums are singing!

Oh, I believe very
strongly in oral hygiene.

Your gums are the best
friends your teeth have.

-Now then, tell me
about that doll.
-Ma'am?

The sheik who was just in here.
Major What's-his-name.

Uh, Burns.

-Married?
-In a way.

Uh-huh. You and he
playing doctor?

No!

Well, he's a very...

shy, serious...

uh, responsible person.

Listen, honey, take it
from an old campaigner.

It's those
dumb-lookin' quiet ones

with the clenched teeth
that really go.

♪ I'm back
in the saddle again ♪

[whistling]

And then I said
to everybody,

"Watch out for
that bar of soap.

Look out for that bar
of soap, everybody."

I specifically
told Major Burns

that a bar of soap
on the floor

can be very slippery.

Frank says Pierce hit him.

Oh, no, no, Henry.

When Frank
fell on the soap,

Hawkeye tried
to break his fall.

By jamming his fist
in Frank's eye?

Radar, I lengthened
your pants three inches.

Not now.

Why'd you want your pants
three inches longer?

Later!

Okay, okay, but this is
the last time I deliver.

Klinger, it's 4:00
in the afternoon,

and you're still
in a housecoat?

Put on a dress.

You never know who might
be coming around.

Yes, sir.

Boy, oh, boy.

You gotta stay on top
of these guys every second.

All right,
go ahead, McIntyre.

Now, you said you warned
Frank about the, uh--

Hey, why did you have
your pants lengthened
three inches?

They were chafing, sir.

I can let you have
some baby powder.

I'd rather let
my pants down, sir.

Hey, let's just
wrap this up, huh?

All right, now how did
Frank get the black eye?

When he fell,
he hit the sink.

-Whammo!
-Right!

Should I write
"whammo," sir?

Uh, no, no, it doesn't
sound too G.I.

Make it, uh--

Socko.

Uh, no, no,
that's too Moon Mullins.

Make it "bam."

Okay, so Frank
slipped, fell...

hit the sink.

-That's my testimony.
-Okey dokey.

"Okey dokey."

Uh, no, strike
the "okey dokey."

Make it, uh, "very well."

"Very well."

Frank, would you mind not
combing your hair so loud?

I have very quiet hair.

And don't use
that tone with me.

You're a prisoner of war.

And loving every
minute of it.

I really appreciate

your falling down
on that bar of soap

and making everybody
believe I hit you.

You still don't realize that
you're under house arrest.

That you're not a free man.

Now watch this.

I can step out.
I can step in.

Out. In.

Out. In.

That's a free man!

Very good.

Now let's see you go to Tahiti

for the leprosy festival.

Well, what did you have
for dinner, McIntyre?

-Hash.
-With a poached egg?

That or an eye
was looking out of it.

That kind of talk
tightens my colon.

Ta-da!

-Steak?
-Mm-hmm.

Real steak?

You know my views
on cannibalism.

Mess Sergeant Gifford
fixed it for you

when he heard
you belted Frank.

Where'd he get it?

It's water buffalo.

It's probably as tough
as a rubber sheet.

No, no.

A little old lady rode it
to church every Sunday.

Mmm!

Mmm!

Oh. Now that's what
I call church buffalo.

Try it.

-Mmm! Mmm!
-Excuse me, Hawkeye.

I didn't mean to
interrupt your dinner.

Sit down, Father.

I'm here in
an official capacity.

Mm-hmm.

Is that steak?

TRAPPER:
Mm-hmm!

I brought you a prisoner
of war package.

Real steak?

Water buffalo.

And it's only got
a hundred miles on it.

Try it.

Mmm!

Mmm!

Now that's delicious.

TRAPPER:
Mm-hmm.

Oh, my.

This is Friday.

No, it's Saturday.
We're over the date line.

[sigh]

Phew. Oh, dear.
That was close.

-Father, why?
-Oh.

According
to the Geneva Convention,

each prisoner is entitled
to this package.

You have a razor, toothpaste,
soap, six aspirin,

a wash cloth,
and four Oreo cookies.

Father, that's
for a prisoner of war.

I'm one of ours.

In the eyes of the Lord,
a prisoner's a prisoner.

Well, thanks.

And in your prayers,
thank the big fella for me.

Oh, MacArthur had
nothing to do with it.

Ha ha ha. That was good.

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention.
Due to last night's groping,

tomorrow night's movie will
be shown with the lights on.

What's the movie?
What's playing?

Uh, a Gene Tierney
picture, I believe.

Oh, I love her overbite.

An overbite
really gets to me.

Gene Tierney,
Harriet Mackey.

Harriet Mackey?

Junior high. Gene Tierney
in a training bra.

I'd really like to see
that movie, Father.

Let me work on it.

Father, you're the button
in the cap of kindness.

[laughs] The button--

-Can I use that?
-Be my guest.

-[sigh]
-What's the matter?

I got a stomach-ache.

I think you ate
my meal too fast.

Well, you used to send it out

by helicopter,
for heck's sake.

Oh, yeah? Well, this
is Colonel Blake calling,

and I want that out here
by 1300 hours!

And that's an order, Captain!

-Radar?
-Sir?

Since when have you
been promoted to me?

Uh, well, uh...

me saying that I'm you is just
like using your rubber stamp,

only you can hear it.

Well, why the chewing out?

The mail's three hours late,

and I'm expecting
something kind of special.

Radar, you still
haven't finished

your other glass pistol
full of candy.

Now be a good little
fella and relax.

You got 18 more months
to wait for the mail.

-Okay?
-Yes, sir.

I'll be down
at the new latrine.

Father Mulcahy's
blessing the lye.

"Be a good little fella."

"Be a good littlefella."
I'll show 'em.

-Metzenbaum scissors.
-Metz.

See that, Major?

If you keep your straight
scissors facing up,

your curved ones
facing down,

you'll never
get them mixed up.

-Yes, ma'am.
-Little more 3-0 silk.

Sutures here,
retractors there,

an army and navy goulet,
and ribbon.

And in this basin,

the Richardson balfour
and deaver.

You see, the idea is to
develop a working rhythm

with your, uh, surgeon.
Excuse me.

Mm-hmm.

Done.

Okay, would you put
a dressing on that, Major?

-Yes, Doctor.
-Bravo! [chuckle]

Bravissimo.

You got your own place,

or do you live
with your folks?

[coughing]

I have no interest
in hiring that woman

for a housekeeper
or any other...

TRAPPER:
You can hire me.

[laughter]

-Hey!
-Down in front!

MAN: Sit down!
WOMAN: You're in the picture.

MULCAHY: I'm sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.

HAWKEYE:
That's all right.

[movie dialogue continues]

TRAPPER:
Hey, get the flyswatter
out of the soup.

Are they married?

-Hey!
-Sit down.

Gwen, sit down.

Captain Pierce!

I'm clean.

Sorry, I was, uh,
reaching for my hanky.

Hey, more popcorn, everybody.
Who wants popcorn?

[all shouting]

Popcorn!
Hey, is it hot?

-There you go.
-Huh?

Sit down, McIntyre!

I've lost the story.
Who's this guy?

TRAPPER:
Vincent Price.

I don't understand it,
Ellen.

Boo!

MULCAHY: Here, here.

Don't judge him too harshly.

After all, the other chap was
coveting his neighbor's wife.

Father Hollywood.

Drink up,
for tomorrow we die.

If I drink too much,
I'll get hot flashes.

We'll take pictures.

Will you marry me?

Why, you unpredictable
little--

[cheering]

What, what, what, what?

Cornel Wilde just
kissed Gene Tierney.

On the teeth?

Right smack on.

If he straightens out that
overbite, I'll kill him.

And I'll never let you go.

Never, never, never.

Hey, hot dogs!
Red hots!

[cheering]

Get your hot dogs
right here!

-Hot dogs!
-Aah!

[chuckle] Just reaching
for my frankfurter.

This will make you
feel a lot better.

What's going on here?
A movie in my quarters?

Yes, sir. Uh, Captain Pierce
ain't allowed out.

That's the way
she wants it...

There must be
50 people in there.

I need my tweezers.
I have a hair in my mole.

I'm sorry, sir.

This whole post is potty.

The man's a prisoner,
and he's treated
like the Aga Khan.

MULCAHY:
Shh, shh, shh.

The wedding scene's
about to begin.

Well, I'm going to the C.O.

Yes, sir.

You've always made me.

You did tell me not
to let him swim the lake

-unless you were
with us, but--
-[sniffle]

...but we wanted
to surprise you.

Danny was so happy.

He'd been doing so well.
He swam three-quarters--

[Henry sniffling]

He's very deep.

GENE TIERNEY AS ELLEN:
...there was no danger.

I looked away for a moment,

and then, when I looked
back, Danny was sinking.

I pulled at the oars...

KLINGER:
"Congratulations, big guy.

"Now you are taller
than she is."

Oh, boy, they fit!

"O'Brien and Brophy's
elevated shoes

"will bring you
a new confidence,

"a better personality
and real class.

But ha-ha, watch out
for low branches."

This is it, Klinger.

Wow!

Hey, look at you!

I'm a real person.

No, let me try it solo.

-Easy.
-It's all right.

Corporal, I wanna
see Colonel Blake.

Uh, he's at the movie
right now, sir.

Oh, nertz.

What have you done
to yourself?

Sir?

Well, you look different.

You changed the part
in your hair.

-Uh, no, sir.
-Hmm.

New glasses. That's it.

Well, they give you a look
of authority, Corporal.

Dignity.

Oh, well, thank you, sir.

[chuckling]

Did you hear that?
No more "little guy."

Authority. Dignity.

Wait a minute.

Look out!

Look out!

Oh, um, I was looking
for Major Houlihan.

She's in post-op.
Come on in, Major.

I don't wanna bother you.

I see you're doing
your nails, and I--

Just sharpening
the old claws.

Never know when
they might be useful.

Well, I'm rather upset.

Perhaps
I'll take two aspirin

and go lie down
under a tree.

I can see the tension.
Sit down, doll.

Well, I--

Now, now, hon.

You tell the old colonel
all about it.

I'm, uh, cursed
with perfection.

Aw.

Even as a child,
I always sorted my marbles

according to size
and degree of quality.

I had my "nibs," "aggies,"
"puries" and "shooters."

Sounds like a terrific kid.

[chuckling]

I was a swell boy.

Pressed corduroy knickers,

matching stocking
and sweater set.

You're still so
tidy and neat.

[sniffing]
Oh, what is that?

Oh, my after shave.
Rough and Ready.

So masculine.
Gets right to me.

I, um-- I hear
your marriage

isn't all beer
and skittles.

Oh, Louise.

She has no sense
of order.

She's always getting
into my drawer

and mixing up my marbles.

Poor baby.

Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk.

Rest stop.

How's the movie?

Captain Pierce.

Radar, what's happened?

Happened?

Hey, either you've
been raised,

or the camp's
been lowered.

Oh, Radar.
You don't need those.

[whispering]

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

I'll meet you inside.

Mention my name.

Why?

Listen,

you don't know what
it's like being short.

I mean, always being
the last one to be
picked for the team.

Looking girls
straight in the throat.

Never being able
to see over the crowd.

Do you know that the only
parade I've ever seen

was one I was in?

Everybody's always
making fun of me.

Even you.

Well, then I was
out of line.

Listen.

There's height that
people never see.

Some guys are
ten feet tall,

only their bodies
don't know it.

Honest?

PROJECTIONIST:
Showtime, showtime.

[cheering, applause]

Sell those
to somebody little.

We waited, sir, then we
went ahead without you.

It's gonna be so lonely.

Well, I'm not usually one
for the hard stuff, Colonel.

This is just fruit
juice, Major, honey.

Just blackberry brandy.
Upsa-daisy now.

Down the old hatch.
[chuckle]

Ohh. Oh. Whoo!

That makes my feet tingle.

That'll put lead in
your Eberhardt Faber.

I wish you wouldn't
do that.

I hardly know you.

Now what's to know?

You're a man,
I'm a woman,

trapped together
in the ravages of war.

But we're officers!

Where do you think
noncoms come from?

The blood should run in
over the next two hours.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm gonna put in
some sack time.

Okay. Good night, ma'am.

Good night.

Oh, please.
We've just met.

You little fool.

Don't you know I can
do things for you?

-Things?
-I hold the Pentagon
in the palm of my hand.

How would you
like stateside?

Would you like
to play the Palace?
Walter Reed Hospital?

Washington D.C.?

Roger.

You could take care

of the biggest people
in the country--

senators, congressman.

G-men?

I can put J. Edgar Hoover's
gallstones

right in your pocket.

How does that strike you,
Colonel Burns?

-Huh?
-Come on. Pucker up. Come on.

Colonel?

[muffled grunting]

Oh, well!

Rape! Rape!

-What? What?
-Rape!

Rape! Rape!

-Colonel Blake?
-Yo.

Somebody's
hollering "rape."

-Rape?
-Rape?

What a night.
A movie and vaudeville.

I didn't do anything!

We were drinking
fruit juice,

talking about my marbles,

J. Edgar Hoover's
gallstones.

What happened?

The man is a savage.

You mean he--

Well, what do you want me
to do about it, Colonel?

File charges.

I don't want him
sharing my house arrest.

You're innocent, Doctor.

He slipped on a bar of soap!

Margaret, that--

I never been
to a rape before.

Maybe for
your next birthday.

I'm gonna miss the movie!

All right, Burns,
in my office.

Colonel, I have
a few questions.

-FRANK: Colonel!
-HENRY: What happened?

Excuse me, sir.

-Much better, Radar.
-Thank you, sir.

C-rations?
You had steak.

Well, Frank,
I was just a puncher.

You're a jumper.

This is terrible.

And what am I gonna
tell my wife?

The truth is always
the best, Frank.

You were waiting
for your mistress,

and you got impatient
and attacked another woman.

You're a creep.

Yeah, but I'm free.

You're a prisoner.

I can go out.
I can go in.

Out. In. Out. In.

In. Out. Out. In.

♪♪ [theme]