All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E17 - The Consultant (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

[horn honking]

[honking]

Morning, sir.

-Drive over to the Swamp.
-Yes, sir.

-Radar.
-Gee, sir, why'd you run?

I could've driven you.

Yeah, right.

[honking]

Pierce! McIntyre!

Oh, hello, Henry.

Sorry Trapper can't
come out and play today,

but he's being a bad boy and he
won't stop sucking his socks.

Aw, can it, will ya?

You jokers were supposed to
be packed and ready at 0800.

I know, but Trapper refuses
to get in the suitcase.

Come on, shake your tail!

Not in front of Radar.

Here you go, caddy.
Put these in my cart.

Hey, what're you
taking these clubs for?

I tried to get a
couple of nurses in,

but they wouldn't fit.

Look, you're supposed
to be going to Japan

to attend
a surgical clinic.

They're expecting you to show
up at Tokyo General Hospital.

Henry, I promise you we'll
drive right by the building.

On our way to
the golf course.

Be a sport, Henry,
help us out.

We don't wanna
wear ourselves out

and disappoint the geishas.

How much do you think
we should tip him?

Book says
a quarter a bag.

All right, Radar,
take us to the airport.

Yes, sir.

[honking]

Where'd you
learn to drive?

-The bumper cars. -Figures.

My kidneys' lawyer will
call you in the morning.

Now, listen, you guys, you
better check out that clinic,

or somebody'll put
my butt in a sling.

It'll improve
your posture.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

Hey, don't blubber in
front of the troops.

Bring me back
something.

No chance.
We're gonna be careful.

-Bye-bye, Radar.
-See ya, sirs.

Do your homework.

Okay, Radar,
back to the compound.

Yes, sir!

Shall we try the bar?

All right, but I can
only stay three days.

[chatter]

Excuse us.

This place
serve servicemen?

Bartender.
What are you drinking?

I'd love a zombie.

Necrophiliac.

-A zombie, please.
-Yes, sir.

And keep making 'em
until I turn into one.

I'll have a scotch and water.

-Yes, sir.
-I'll drink the scotch now,

and I'll come by tomorrow
for the water.

You look like you could
use another drink.

Oh, you must be psychic.

No, actually, I'm a physic.

I can predict all your
future movements.

-The same, please.
-Yes, sir.

-Vodka Gibson.
-Me, too.

You're having scotch.
You can't mix drinks.

Right. Put 'em
in separate glasses.

Major, I'm John McIntyre.
This is Hawkeye Pierce.

Is it all right for you two
to be in an officers' club?

We're captains.

We tore our bars off when
we went over the wall.

Anthony Borelli.

The rank is honorary.

I'm here as a civilian
medical consultant.

Yeah?
Where's home?

San Francisco.

I loved a girl
in San Francisco once.

No, twice.

Gentlemen.

Ah, here we are.

-Happy days.
-In the army?

Don't you like
soldier suits?

Whew. Our invitations
to the clinic
read "informal."

Oh, you're doctors.

Surgeons.

I'm a gynecologist
for the F.B.I.

You over here to tell us
everything you know?

Should take about ten minutes.

I'm looking forward to
meeting you at the lectures.

I'm afraid you'll look
backward to seeing us.

Yeah, we're not coming.

We're over here
for the girls.

We're gonna take
a refresher course

in getting our faces
slapped.

There are some
very fine doctors

who've come a long way

to discuss some new
surgical techniques.

Major, we're from
a MASH unit.

We work three, four
miles from the front.

Meatball surgery.

Seven tables, no waiting.

Kids come in
fresh from the field.

We get a lot of belly wounds,
a lot of dangling limbs.

We get 'em ready
for Tokyo fast.

Not much time
for technique.

We're closing 'em up
even before we can
get our hands out.

Sounds challenging.

We're not there by choice.

We were snatched from
our cradles by gypsies

and sold to the Army.

Ready for another?

Oh, no, thanks.
I'm fine.

Bartender, two more.

You're trying to get me drunk,
it'll probably work.

Ever been to Korea, doctor?

-No.
-Oh, you'd love it.

In addition to
trauma surgery

and wholesale amputation,

we've got typhus,
filariasis,

encephalitis, typhoid,
paratyphoid, and cholera.

Korea's the Detroit
of bacteria.

-We operate in the filth.
-In the mud.

-In the muck.
-Muck and mud.

Who'll ever forget them?

BARTENDER:
Gentlemen.

Arigato.

I'll tell you what, doc.

You wanna really
be useful over here?

Stop hanging out in the
cozy locker room in Tokyo.

If you and your pals wanna
really get in the game,

come out to a MASH unit
or an aid station.

Come back
to the front with us.

Or front to the back with us.

No, thanks.

I saw my share
of the front lines

in World War I and II.

Fair enough.

To World War None.

Have a good stay, doctor.

Get your net.

We're starting a
Madame Butterfly
collection.

-Radar, this is heaven.
-Yes, sir.

-You're a genius.
-Ah, yes, sir.

Colonel Blake, you are
not listening to me!

Uh, you'll have to
speak up, Frank.

I'm not listening to you.

The water could be
just a tidge warmer.

Oh, yes, sir.

Colonel, I have
inconvertible proof

that Pierce and McIntyre

did not attend
one single lecture

the whole time
they were in Tokyo.

They spent the entire
three days

in the company
of geisha girls,

bar girls, and female
golf caddies.

I ought to have them whipped,
although they probably are.

Is that all you can say?

Look, Frank,
they didn't get arrested,

and I count that
for something.

Now just let me
soak in this pool

until I get nice
and wrinkled, okay?

Colonel, do you
not understand--

Oh, pooh, I forgot
my sunglasses.

Take mine.

Degenerates!

You peeked.

I believe that's
the pool just ahead.

Right next to the outhouse.

All right, Henry,
out of the pool.

I'm gonna do 35 laps.

We have to stay in shape
in case we're drafted.

Ha!

Look out!

Frank tells me you guys
didn't attend one lecture.

Couldn't, Henry.

We got sick and had to have
round-the-clock nurses.

You characters.

-RADAR: Chopper.
-[helicopter whirling]

Wounded?

No announcement.

I'll be damned.

Who is that man?

Don'tyou know?
That's the Lone Ranger.

Sir.

Why don't you let me put you up
in the V.I.P. tent, Doctor?

You'd be a whole lot
more comfortable.

I've had enough of the
locker room, Colonel.

I came to get
into the game.

Well, you couldn't have
picked any place gamier.

Well, you must be hungry
after your trip.

We've got a very
fine mess tent.

Yeah, the tent is terrific.
The food puts you away.

Excuse me, sir.

I've laid out all
your things for you.

-Thank you, Radar.
-Oh, you're welcome, sir.

-Radar, why don't you--
-I'll arrange a tour

-for Dr. Borelli right away.
-...for Dr. Borelli.

You know, I'd have
bet anything

that you wouldn't have come.

Won't they miss you
in Tokyo?

I'm a civilian.

They going to bust me from
a Mister down to a Miss?

So this is Korea.

I think you'll
find it everything
we said it wasn't.

Yeah, it's cold,
smelly, and poor.

But it is unpleasant.

[explosion]

-Artillery. -Ours?

And theirs.

It's a set.

Great place for
the doctor business.

Beginning of the year,
over a two-month period,

this unit treated almost
5,000 casualties.

Well, that's incredible.

Well, I had help,
of course.

[explosions]

Colonel, we heard
Dr. Borelli was with us.

Oh, uh, Dr. Borelli,
this is our chief nurse,

Major Margaret Houlihan.

-Major.
-Sir.

[clears throat]

Oh, that's Major Burns.

-Major.
-Honorary.

I'm a doctor,
not really a major.

Perfect. Frank's a major
who's not really a doctor.

Pierce.

Just a little
white truth.

What brings you to
the 4077th, Doctor?

Well, I couldn't
get these two to listen
to me lecture in Tokyo,

so I came over here
to bore them.

Oh, well, I'm sure you'll
be anything but boring.

Anything but.

Well, there's two "buts"
who say you're wrong.

Hmm. Feels like
it's going to martini.

Great idea.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

Incoming wounded.

Both shifts report to
the O.R. on the double.

Let's go.

Well, you got here
just in time, Doctor.

Pretty exciting.

Let's hope you feel
that way about nausea.

[helicopter whirling]

Let me have some suction
there, will ya, Gwen?

Yes, sir.

Look at that.
Those are my sutures.

There and there.

This is the third time
through here for this kid.

BORELLI:
Must like your work.

Come on, gimme a wipe,
will ya?

I'm sweating like a pig.

Thanks, sweetheart.

You're welcome, darling.

[explosion]

Artillery.

You've got noisy
neighbors, Father.

Dress this for me.

This leg's badly crushed,

and there's no way
of saving it.

Get me a knife
and have a saw ready.

Wait.

You don't have
to amputate.

But the artery is crushed.

You can do
an arterial transplant.

A new segment of artery
can be grafted

in place of the
damaged portion.

Dr. Borelli, what you're
saying is new to us.

But then, uh, clean sheets
would be new to us.

Well, the operation is similar
to coarctation of the aorta,

where the narrowed
area was removed

and the two ends
sewn together.

Have you ever done this
operation before, Doctor?

Yes, and it works.

All you need is a
section of new artery.

If we haven't got one, we can
call around to other outfits.

I am sick to death of sending
kids home in only one boot.

Well, if you're going to do it,
you better move fast.

That leg's not gonna
last more than another
four or five hours.

Colonel, we've never
tried this before.

Someone could
get into trouble.

Radar!

Come on. Come on.

Hello, Charlie Company?

Uh, yeah, listen,
it's me again.

I'm still looking for
that piece of artery.

Have you got
any casualties?

I am not a ghoul!

I work in a hospital!

I do!

How'd ya like a specimen
in your ear, fella?

Hello, Able?

Yeah, he's still holding.
Look it--

I can't hear you.

Boy, you got the war
on loud there.

-I'm looking for, uh--
-[ringing]

Don't go away. Wait a minute.
Just hold on.

MASH 4077th.

Oh, yeah, listen,
I've been trying to get you.

We, uh, we've got less
than four hours

to perform an
arterial transplant,

-and I need-- -[ringing]

Hold on a second.
Hold on.

MASH 407th. You can?

You have? You will?

Forget it! Forget it!
Shoot!

What's the story
with those two?

He's a creep.

She's a creepette.

They met in adjoining
jars in medical school.

Well, a person doesn't
have to be an eye doctor

to see what's going on here.

I don't know what you're
talking about, Frank.

Keep drooling down your front,
you'll have to change your bra.

Frank!

[explosion]

Great coffee.

Drink
between the grounds.

[explosion]

My money's on Radar.

I got it!

A British outfit's
had heavy casualties.

-They'll let us have one.
-How far away are they?

Sixteen miles
straight up Broadway.

A couple, three hours,
there and back.

Let's go.

[explosion]

You all right?

Go ahead.
I'll stay here.

Where it's safe.

Watch where you're going.

Oh, you're kidding.

Hey, would I kid you?

Why didn't you think of it
before we left home?

An artery, you say?

From one of my dead lads?

Yes, sir.

For transplanting into
one of your live ones?

Right.

Well, an incredible fuss
for just a leg, isn't it?

Sure you wouldn't
like a splash?

HAWKEYE:
Uh, no, thank you.

You know, my father lost
both legs in the Great War.

Never missed 'em.

Said he lived years longer
not having to tie his laces.

Sir, we're fighting the clock
a little bit on this one.

If you'd just
sign this release.

Oh, yes, yes.
Let me see it.

Oh, the shelling stopped.

Well, all good things
must come to an end.

Yes. Quite.

Well, it all seems
perfectly grisly

and quite correct.

Thank you.

A British artery in
an American leg, eh?

That's right.

Probably develop an
irresistible urge

to drive on the left
side of the road.

Yes. Quite.

Get this to Major Houlihan.
Preparation for transplant.

Yes, sir.

-Page Dr. Borelli to O.R.!
-Yes, sir.

This stuff in supply.

-Did you get it?
-Sure did.

Wow.

Radar, I had a date
with some nurse tonight.

Find out who and tell her
I can't make it.

It was me.

Radar, go get Borelli.

Oh, right.

I'm excited
as hell about this.

Take it easy, will you?

All we gotta do is assist.
Borelli's got the hard part.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Dr. Borelli, please
report to the O.R.

Dr. Borelli,
immediately, please.

He's gonna love operating
in our flea circus.

Yeah, as long as
he saves the leg.

He will.
It all feels right.

Then we can escort
him back to Tokyo.

I met the most
fantastic girl there.

You've been holdin' out
on me. When?

Friday night.

I can't remember
which bathtub.

Hawkeye.

Where's Borelli?

He's in the Swamp.

You'd better come.

Doctor?

The dance is starting.

We need you to stand
your partner up.

Didn't you hear the page?

You're not fit to operate.

I know.

Oh, well,
we'll just tell the patient

that his doctor is soused.

Hope he doesn't mind
walking around

for the rest of his life
on a tree trunk.

You can do it, Pierce.
I watched you work.

You can do it
better than I can.

I've never done it before.
I've never even seen it done.

I'll be right behind ya.

That'll be a
great comfort.

-Cut it?
-Yeah.

Okay.

BORELLI: Okay, now open
the vascular clamp.

It's leaking at
the upper suture line.

Well, put another
stitch in.

Okay, cut it, hmm?

Okay. Got it tied?

Good.

All right.
Try it again.

-Give it a cut.
-Wait a second.

-Okay.
-All right?

It's holding now.

[laughs]

Look at that bugger!

Pulse is good.

Foot's getting pink
and warming up.

Stick around, folks.
As an encore,

I'm gonna sew Major Houlihan
and Trapper together.

Good work, doctors.

Thank you, Doctor.

They couldn't have done it
better at Johns Hopkins.

-Wanna cut that?
-Mm-hmm. Cut.

[chatter]

How 'bout some coffee?

I'd like to fill a
swimmin' pool with it.

I'll catch up
with you later.

Sure.

You did a good job,
Doctor.

Somebody had to.

I didn't drink at all
in World War I.

Was liquor invented then?

In the Second War,

I never drank until
I was through working.

One for the road, doc?
Or two or three?

Maybe you'd like to take
a few home in a doggy bag.

Please don't confuse my
explanation for an apology.

The place got to me.

I wanted to get
into the game,

but I'd forgotten how
rough the game can be.

Uh-huh.

Didn't you ever
have that problem?

Not to your degree.

What's that your leaning on,
a bubble gum machine?

You have a great
many gifts, Doctor.

It's a pity you can't number
compassion among them.

I'm suffering from the three
sure signs of age:

bit of a spread,
gray hair...

feet of clay.

I wish you better luck
on your third war.

-Colonel.
-Thanks for your help, Major.

-Major.
-It's a privilege, sir.

Trapper, I'll see ya
in Tokyo some time.

I'll come to the lecture
next time.

Maybe you'll
come back someday.

Oh, it's been
a real pleasure.

Oh, it's been
our pleasure.

Thanks for everything,
Radar.

You're welcome, sir.
Have a good trip.