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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,091 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:53,227 [explosion] 3 00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:21,211 RADAR: Holy mackerel! 4 00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:23,735 I'm telling you, we're being shelled! 5 00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:25,172 Do you hear me? 6 00:01:25,215 --> 00:01:26,912 It's been going on for a half an hour! 7 00:01:26,956 --> 00:01:28,697 Impossible. 8 00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:30,568 My latest intelligence map shows 9 00:01:30,612 --> 00:01:33,223 there are no enemy units in your sector. 10 00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:36,270 You are not being shelled, young man. 11 00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:37,749 [explosions] 12 00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:39,534 MAN [on P.A.]: All personnel, 13 00:01:39,577 --> 00:01:41,013 stay clear of the compound. 14 00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:42,319 All personnel. 15 00:01:43,712 --> 00:01:46,323 Listen, buddy, I'm tellin' ya. 16 00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:48,847 They've already knocked out one of our generators, 17 00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:50,588 they, uh, smashed our water tank, 18 00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:52,547 and we got three people wounded. 19 00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:56,072 Well, listen, if you don't believe me, 20 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,726 listen for yourself! 21 00:02:02,644 --> 00:02:04,776 Did ya-- Did-- Did ya-- 22 00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:07,692 Hello? Hello? Ah! 23 00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,178 Here he is now, 24 00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:18,225 your star for tonight-- Bob Hope! 25 00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:20,618 Come here, Pierce, if you wanna see some fancy needlework. 26 00:02:20,662 --> 00:02:23,491 Not now, Henry. I gotta control some bleeding. 27 00:02:23,534 --> 00:02:25,188 More suction, Sanchez. 28 00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:26,711 Yes, Doctor. 29 00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:28,191 -Fix that mask! -!¡Sí! !Sí! 30 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,975 Kelly! 31 00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,542 Mucho apreciado. 32 00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:33,544 Major, your hands are shaking. 33 00:02:33,588 --> 00:02:35,329 It has nothing to do with the shelling. 34 00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:38,245 It's, uh, my sinus condition. 35 00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:41,465 If anybody's scared, just let yourself be scared. 36 00:02:41,509 --> 00:02:44,294 You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Eleanor Roosevelt. 37 00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:47,210 -[explosion] -Aah! Aah! 38 00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:49,256 Sanchez, stop that! 39 00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:51,127 Colonel, your hands are shaking. 40 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,260 Well, it's, uh, Frank's sinus condition. 41 00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:54,783 I'm finished. 42 00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:56,872 Okay, get a dressing on that. 43 00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:03,008 How ya doin', Pierce? 44 00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:04,706 This kid's navel's gonna be a showplace. 45 00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:07,578 BOB HOPE: Here we are onthe U.S.S. Fox. 46 00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:09,450 Look at this craft. Isn't this something? 47 00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:11,800 Now I know what they mean by a floating crap table. 48 00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:15,195 Oh, my God! This man's a North Korean! 49 00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:17,327 I'm not operating on any Commie! 50 00:03:17,371 --> 00:03:18,850 Oh, come on, Frank. Come on! 51 00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:20,635 Well, what did they ever do for me? 52 00:03:20,678 --> 00:03:23,115 They fixed it so you could get a nice uniform, 53 00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:25,030 a steady job, and people salute you 54 00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:26,336 before they get to know you. 55 00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:27,859 Hold this steady, Sanchez. 56 00:03:27,903 --> 00:03:29,426 Es que me tiemblan las manos, Doctor. 57 00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:31,080 Los tiros, no estoy acostumbrada. 58 00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:32,516 Suction, cha-cha-cha. 59 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,692 Doctor-- The patient's ready, Doctor. 60 00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:36,390 Oh, I hope my American Legion post 61 00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:37,913 doesn't find out about this. 62 00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:40,220 They'll take away your joy buzzer. 63 00:03:40,263 --> 00:03:41,786 -Aw-- Oh! -[screaming] 64 00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:43,092 Frank! 65 00:03:43,135 --> 00:03:44,702 Get some restraint on him, fast! 66 00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:46,791 That's it! I refuse to operate 67 00:03:46,835 --> 00:03:48,880 on that slant-eyed yellow devil! 68 00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:50,839 Finish here! 69 00:03:50,882 --> 00:03:53,145 I'll take care of him, you wonderful round-eye. 70 00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:55,278 Where did that Costa Rican nurse come from, anyway? 71 00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:57,628 The U.N., the little place on the East Side? 72 00:03:57,672 --> 00:04:00,457 Foreigners! Why are there so many of them in a war? 73 00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:05,419 Somebody put this guy under. 74 00:04:05,462 --> 00:04:07,247 Pierce, I gotta get to the latrine 75 00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,422 for about five minutes. 76 00:04:08,465 --> 00:04:09,640 I'll handle it. 77 00:04:09,684 --> 00:04:11,207 I'd rather do it myself. 78 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,991 Leland! Somebody put this guy under, will ya? 79 00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:14,732 [groaning] 80 00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:20,172 [screaming] 81 00:04:20,216 --> 00:04:21,783 Come on, give me a towel! 82 00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,306 Somebody put a blanket over that window! 83 00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,308 -MARGARET: Kelly! -[shouting] 84 00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,267 All right, keep calm, everybody. 85 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,007 This can't go on much more than forever. 86 00:04:29,051 --> 00:04:30,400 Come on. Give me that glove. 87 00:04:30,444 --> 00:04:32,054 -Doctor-- -Get it on! Come on! 88 00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:33,229 -Margaret. -Yes, Doctor. 89 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,535 We're gonna need a lot of sulfa. 90 00:04:34,578 --> 00:04:35,579 We've got plenty! 91 00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:36,928 Somebody, come quick! 92 00:04:36,972 --> 00:04:38,495 -What happened? -It's Colonel Blake! 93 00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:39,801 He's in the latrine! 94 00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:41,324 Hurray for regularity. 95 00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:43,370 It's been hit! He's trapped! 96 00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:46,198 -Debride the wound. -Kelly, I need clean gloves! 97 00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:48,113 -Clean gloves. -Clean gloves. How you doing? 98 00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,680 [patient moaning] 99 00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,990 If anything's happened to Colonel Blake, 100 00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:56,513 I don't know what I'll do. 101 00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:58,167 He's the bestest colonel that ever lived! 102 00:04:58,210 --> 00:04:59,821 Radar, I said-- now, what seat did he usually use? 103 00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,126 Left, on the far side. 104 00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:02,867 Picture window. Here. 105 00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:03,868 Henry? 106 00:05:03,912 --> 00:05:05,522 Henry? 107 00:05:05,566 --> 00:05:06,784 -[loud moaning] -Wait a minute! Hold it! 108 00:05:06,828 --> 00:05:08,612 Shh! I heard a moan! 109 00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:11,485 Colonel, if you can hear me, 110 00:05:11,528 --> 00:05:13,356 knock three times! 111 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,185 If you can't, knock twice! 112 00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:19,057 [two knocks] 113 00:05:19,101 --> 00:05:20,842 Oh, Lord, he's dead. 114 00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:22,104 Colonel! 115 00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:25,847 Henry, you all right? 116 00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:29,851 That's him! That's him! 117 00:05:29,894 --> 00:05:32,375 His wife sent it! Stateside paper, 118 00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:33,855 for their anniversary! Colonel! 119 00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:35,378 HENRY: Ohh. 120 00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:38,207 Oh! Watch my other arm. I think it's broken. 121 00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,775 Oh, my. Aw, man. 122 00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:42,080 Careful, sir. 123 00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:43,647 Mulcahy's still down there. 124 00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,083 Ooh. Get him out. 125 00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:46,607 -Come here, Henry. -Easy, Pierce. 126 00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:47,651 Come here. 127 00:05:50,611 --> 00:05:52,439 Father Mulcahy was on my left, 128 00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:53,962 telling me about his sister. 129 00:05:54,005 --> 00:05:55,398 KLINGER: Here he is! 130 00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:56,660 -Here he is. -Help him. 131 00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,836 -You all right, Father? -Come on, Father. 132 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:02,884 Sis and I picked up these apples from under the tree. 133 00:06:02,927 --> 00:06:04,625 I remember I said, 134 00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,888 "You can't make a pie out of crab apples," 135 00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:08,411 and she said, 136 00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:10,065 "I learned how in the Girl Scouts." 137 00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:11,849 He'll be all right. He's just a little dazed. 138 00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,416 She used brown sugar, 139 00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:16,767 and the crust was just so crispy and nice. 140 00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:19,466 Well, it was so good, we ate it all before dinner. 141 00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,076 Get him back to his tent. Let him rest. 142 00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:23,644 Mommy came into the kitchen and said, 143 00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:26,516 "What the hell's going on in here?" 144 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,431 I remember, Mommy. 145 00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:32,696 You know, that was the first time I ever heard you swear. 146 00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,089 RADAR: Careful. 147 00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:35,438 Come on, Henry, let me get a look at that arm. 148 00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:37,571 -RADAR: It hurts. -Yeah. 149 00:06:37,614 --> 00:06:39,486 Happy anniversary, sir. 150 00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:41,879 Come on. 151 00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,405 Take that toilet paper! 152 00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,581 Boy, this really hurts. 153 00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:49,452 Just be glad it's not your right arm, 154 00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:51,454 or your career as a surgeon would go down the tubes. 155 00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:53,761 Never mind that. What about my backswing? 156 00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:56,067 Anybody got any gloves? Kelly? 157 00:06:56,111 --> 00:06:58,505 Hey, Pierce, can you get a Purple Heart 158 00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,115 for a toilet wound? 159 00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:02,770 Colonel, was the officers' latrine really destroyed? 160 00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:05,120 [mocking] Was the officers' latrine really destroyed? 161 00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:06,904 Gone with the wind, Frank. 162 00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,776 I hate the thought of using the enlisted men's. 163 00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:10,342 Get one of your own, Frank. 164 00:07:10,386 --> 00:07:11,605 Go into business for yourself. 165 00:07:11,648 --> 00:07:13,258 Good idea. 166 00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:15,783 KLINGER: And another one. 167 00:07:15,826 --> 00:07:17,393 Okay, right here. 168 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,612 Sanchez, come over here. 169 00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:19,613 Help me get this man undressed. 170 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:20,701 Sí. 171 00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:24,444 There's a wire across his chest. 172 00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:26,446 Don't touch him! That guy's booby-trapped! 173 00:07:26,489 --> 00:07:27,882 There's a grenade under his arm! 174 00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,100 Now, that offends. 175 00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:31,320 -Booby? -Booby kaboom. 176 00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:32,364 Big booby? 177 00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:35,890 Right. The pin is off. 178 00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:39,023 The wire is holding his arm to the handle of the grenade. 179 00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,156 Pretty dicey. 180 00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:43,419 Listen, we don't have to risk our own lives. 181 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,377 We have a demolition expert right here in camp. 182 00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:47,075 Staff Sergeant Benson. 183 00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,598 Frank... 184 00:07:48,642 --> 00:07:50,818 this is Staff Sergeant Benson. 185 00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:52,167 Well, tell him to tuck his giblets back in 186 00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:53,734 and get back to work. 187 00:07:53,777 --> 00:07:56,040 It seems to me this comes under the heading 188 00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,912 of duty for enlisted personnel. 189 00:07:57,955 --> 00:07:59,522 Oh, really! 190 00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:00,958 Well, they do get their uniforms free, 191 00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:02,612 and we have to pay for ours! 192 00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:04,005 Come on, Frank. We're all scared. 193 00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:05,485 If you're that scared, get out! 194 00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:07,704 You'll talk about me behind my back. 195 00:08:07,748 --> 00:08:09,750 Trap, we're gonna have to do this together. 196 00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:11,099 You cut the wire. 197 00:08:11,142 --> 00:08:12,535 You hold the grenade. 198 00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,450 And I'll be in Scotland before you. 199 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,582 He's moving! 200 00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:17,279 Frank, put him under, fast! 201 00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:19,063 Hold him down. Put your arm on his chest. 202 00:08:19,107 --> 00:08:20,151 Hurry up! 203 00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:24,808 [gas hissing] 204 00:08:24,852 --> 00:08:26,462 Man, that's a hairy armpit. 205 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,333 Probably Italian. 206 00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,074 [explosion] 207 00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:33,556 [screaming, shouting in Spanish] 208 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,905 Sanchez! 209 00:08:34,949 --> 00:08:37,517 [gasping, panting] 210 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,344 Okay, Trap, cut. 211 00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:42,217 [snip] 212 00:08:44,349 --> 00:08:47,265 Okay, quick! Towards the minefield! 213 00:08:47,309 --> 00:08:48,876 Aah! 214 00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:55,012 Aah! !¡Ai! !Yo tengo miedo! 215 00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:57,275 !¡Yo no estoy acostumbrada a esos tiros! 216 00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:59,582 !¡Soy muy joven, no quiero morir! 217 00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:01,628 I seem to have a foreign object on my chest. 218 00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:03,368 TRAPPER: All right, everybody, cover the wound! 219 00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:04,935 Somebody, clean this stuff up! 220 00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:07,024 Take it easy. Take it easy. It's all over. 221 00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:09,331 -No more booby? -Booby all gone. 222 00:09:09,374 --> 00:09:10,680 George, cover that wound, will ya? 223 00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:12,769 Gee, I'm busy here, sir. 224 00:09:12,813 --> 00:09:14,554 -[explosion] -Aah! 225 00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:19,254 I am so afraid. You no afraid? 226 00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:22,083 You are afraid. 227 00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:23,388 You bet your enchilada. 228 00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:32,397 No, sir, I did not hang up on you. 229 00:09:32,441 --> 00:09:36,271 I-I put the phone out the window, and it blew up! 230 00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:39,840 Reluctantly, I have to admit that latest intelligence 231 00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:41,798 tells me you are being shelled. 232 00:09:41,842 --> 00:09:44,235 But there's nothing to worry about. 233 00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:47,282 You're being hit by your own artillery. 234 00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:50,024 Well, is there anything you could do about it? 235 00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,460 We're being wiped out! 236 00:09:51,503 --> 00:09:52,983 I tried to phone 237 00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,594 the observation post directing the fire, 238 00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:57,640 but they're all at the Bob Hope show. 239 00:09:57,684 --> 00:10:00,121 Hello? Hello? 240 00:10:00,164 --> 00:10:03,646 What'd you pull it apart for? I just fixed it! 241 00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:06,040 If I ever get out of this war alive, 242 00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:07,737 I'm gonna write a book exposing it all, 243 00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:09,652 and that guy's gonna be in it! 244 00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:10,827 What's his name? 245 00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:12,655 I'll make one up! 246 00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,048 Will you put me in it? 247 00:10:14,091 --> 00:10:15,789 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Page 1. 248 00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,617 Hot cher-o-kees! 249 00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:21,490 -That's-- -Yeah. 250 00:10:21,533 --> 00:10:22,752 Settle down someplace. 251 00:10:22,796 --> 00:10:24,232 Take a load off your arm. 252 00:10:24,275 --> 00:10:25,320 Yeah. Where? 253 00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:27,061 My tent's been flattened. 254 00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:28,584 First time in six months 255 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,412 I get a toothbrush that's just right-- 256 00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:32,109 not too hard, not too soft. 257 00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,676 I got teeth like Turhan Bey. 258 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,635 I can't even find the damn bristles. 259 00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:36,984 Radar, did you get through to anybody? 260 00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:39,421 Yes, sir, H.Q. 261 00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:40,814 We're being shelled by our own artillery. 262 00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,206 They never miss. 263 00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,686 I need help. 264 00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,296 The door to the supply room is jammed. 265 00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:46,776 We're running short on everything. 266 00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,386 I'll give you a hand. Let's go. 267 00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:50,388 Radar, get on the phone and get some help. 268 00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:51,738 Klinger has to fix it first! 269 00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:53,914 Then fix it, Klinger! 270 00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:57,004 You ought to put him in your book too. 271 00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:58,658 Put him in your own book! 272 00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:22,682 Ten years in medical school, 273 00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,248 and I wind up a sheet metal worker! 274 00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,597 [grunting] 275 00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:27,208 Let me try. 276 00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,778 [grunting] You are strong. 277 00:11:31,821 --> 00:11:33,649 Where I was raised, every morning 278 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,304 we ran naked in the snow. 279 00:11:36,347 --> 00:11:39,220 We ran naked in the subway. [grunt] 280 00:11:39,263 --> 00:11:41,091 Plasma? 281 00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:45,748 Uh, plasma, sulfa, uh, extra blankets. 282 00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,489 Oh, and Pierce needs rubber gloves. 283 00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:48,708 Clothes horse. 284 00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:49,796 [explosion] 285 00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:57,499 Doctor, are you hurt? 286 00:11:57,542 --> 00:11:59,327 Just the old football injury. 287 00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:00,632 Knee? 288 00:12:00,676 --> 00:12:02,112 Hemorrhoid. 289 00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:04,071 I spent a lot of time on the bench. 290 00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:05,637 We better get outta here. 291 00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:11,556 It won't open! 292 00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:19,956 Come on. Let me try. 293 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,436 We're trapped! 294 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:31,925 [sigh] 295 00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:33,448 This day's been too much! 296 00:12:33,491 --> 00:12:34,797 [crowbar clatters] 297 00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:37,147 I just can't take it anymore! 298 00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:38,758 [sobbing] 299 00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:40,977 Come on, honey. Take it easy. 300 00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:42,370 It's all right. 301 00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,372 I'm so embarrassed. 302 00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,809 -Why? -[sobbing] 303 00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:49,681 I outrank you! 304 00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:53,163 Easy, honey. Easy. 305 00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,209 -Easy. -[sniffling] 306 00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:56,688 Everybody thinks 307 00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:59,256 I'm so tough and hard and efficient, 308 00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:02,912 and here I am, crying like a baby. 309 00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:06,307 [crying] 310 00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:08,004 Do you mind? 311 00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:09,832 No. 312 00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:12,400 It's the first hot water to hit my body in a year. 313 00:13:12,443 --> 00:13:13,793 [laughing] 314 00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:18,493 You're so understanding... 315 00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:19,537 John. 316 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,978 No! No, please. 317 00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:27,110 Look, we can't get outta here, 318 00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:28,895 and I sure as hell don't wanna take inventory. 319 00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:30,418 The door's jammed! 320 00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:32,289 I mean, we've got cots, blankets, 321 00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:33,987 and a lotta extra plasma. 322 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,773 Help, somebody! 323 00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:40,515 Help! 324 00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:42,734 Help! Help! 325 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:45,825 [grunt] 326 00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:50,830 -[sigh] -[crowbar clattering] 327 00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:52,744 [panting] 328 00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:56,183 All that energy wasted on a door. 329 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,144 Come here. 330 00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,843 [explosions continue] 331 00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:07,368 Help. 332 00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:27,562 Father, this is a lousy idea. 333 00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,216 The movie was supposed to take their minds 334 00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:30,782 off the shelling. 335 00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,915 Lord knows I tried. 336 00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:35,178 I sent for The Yearling. 337 00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:36,876 A dandy picture 338 00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:39,791 about a boy and his pet deer. 339 00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:42,185 Y-You see, his mother didn't want him to keep it, 340 00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:45,101 but they became very emotionally attached. 341 00:14:45,145 --> 00:14:47,451 I know, I know. 342 00:14:47,495 --> 00:14:50,585 My cousin Floyd had the same thing with a goat. 343 00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:53,283 So, uh, what happened to The Yearling? 344 00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:56,591 Uh, the jeep was hijacked by some Buddhist monks. 345 00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,419 Monks? 346 00:14:58,462 --> 00:14:59,986 Uh, the driver told me 347 00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,813 they'd all gotten haircuts that day 348 00:15:01,857 --> 00:15:03,076 and wanted to celebrate. 349 00:15:04,381 --> 00:15:06,035 Is, uh, Major Houlihan here? 350 00:15:06,079 --> 00:15:07,776 HAWKEYE: Down in front! 351 00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:08,908 [all shouting] 352 00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:10,083 MAN: Get outta the way! 353 00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:11,736 Has anyone seen her? 354 00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:12,912 I saw her about an hour ago. 355 00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,174 She and Captain Mclntyre 356 00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:16,002 were running across the compound. 357 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,394 Well, where were they going? 358 00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:18,482 Search me. 359 00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,833 A war picture? 360 00:15:21,877 --> 00:15:24,053 Oh, I tried to get The Yearling. 361 00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:26,360 It's about this boy who becomes 362 00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:29,015 emotionally attached to a deer. 363 00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:32,105 Oh, my uncle in Texarkana had the same thing with a mule. 364 00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:39,547 Why can't I have a blanket of my own? 365 00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:42,332 Conservation of body heat. 366 00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:47,076 98 degrees plus 98 degrees is 196 degrees. 367 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,643 It doesn't work that way. 368 00:15:48,686 --> 00:15:51,341 You're just saying 196 degrees 369 00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:53,213 so you can get under the same blanket with me. 370 00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:56,868 Are you questioning a doctor's medical opinion? 371 00:15:56,912 --> 00:15:58,609 What are you doing with your hands? 372 00:15:58,653 --> 00:15:59,871 Just saluting. 373 00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:04,572 I don't trust you. 374 00:16:04,615 --> 00:16:07,967 You don't trust me? John Xavier Mclntyre? 375 00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,665 In my grammar school, on graham cracker day, 376 00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:12,275 I was elected crumb boy. 377 00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:15,017 That's silly. 378 00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:21,719 Now I'm gonna lie down because I'm cold and tired. 379 00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:24,548 You have to promise me, no hanky-panky. 380 00:16:24,592 --> 00:16:26,724 I haven't even got a hanky, 381 00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:28,813 and I left my panky in my other suit. 382 00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,302 Besides, you have nothing to worry about. 383 00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:40,390 I'm beat. 384 00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:42,088 [sigh] 385 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:44,916 [clatter] 386 00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:49,051 Hello, hello, hello. 387 00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:52,402 Oh. We, uh, came in here for supplies, 388 00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:54,187 and a shell hit and the door jammed. 389 00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:55,623 Oh, that's good for starters. 390 00:16:55,666 --> 00:16:57,625 McIntyre, what's the meaning of this? 391 00:16:57,668 --> 00:17:00,062 Frank, does paradise need a meaning? 392 00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:01,759 We came in here for supplies, 393 00:17:01,803 --> 00:17:03,674 and a shell hit and the door jammed, 394 00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:07,330 and we made 196 degrees, and that's all there was to it! 395 00:17:07,374 --> 00:17:09,289 Just a trip to the moon on gossamer wings. 396 00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:11,160 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention. By order of Colonel Blake-- 397 00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:13,075 -Margaret? -...all personnel will prepare a survival pack 398 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,077 in case we have to evacuate. 399 00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:16,687 Evacuate to where? 400 00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:18,646 [explosion] 401 00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:20,691 Now the Book of the Month Club will never find me. 402 00:17:29,570 --> 00:17:31,006 Here, Trapper, you take this bottle. 403 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,182 -Check. -We better go in separate trucks. 404 00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:34,488 That way, one of us will be alive 405 00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:36,490 to care for our loved ones. 406 00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:38,231 Uh, Major Houlihan claims 407 00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:40,102 that you were a perfect gentleman at all times 408 00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,495 in the supply room. 409 00:17:41,538 --> 00:17:43,714 -These enough? -Yeah. 410 00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:45,890 If we're captured, we'll eat 'em. 411 00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:48,328 When fear is near, I want you here. 412 00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:51,461 McIntyre, the future is very uncertain for all of us. 413 00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:53,376 Now, I want your word that nothing went on 414 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,030 between you and Major Houlihan. 415 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,423 Absolutely nothing. 416 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,428 [whispering] 417 00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:02,864 [giggling] No kidding? 418 00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:04,431 -I heard that! -What? 419 00:18:04,474 --> 00:18:06,694 Well, I couldn't hear it. What did you tell Pierce? 420 00:18:06,737 --> 00:18:09,044 Just boy talk. 421 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:11,002 You taking all those nudist magazines with you? 422 00:18:11,046 --> 00:18:12,439 Yeah, I'm reading a serial. 423 00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:14,267 It's called "The Sunburnt Fool." 424 00:18:14,310 --> 00:18:15,616 Terrific. 425 00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:17,313 It's the story of a woman who smuggles 426 00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:19,750 ten pounds of pistachio ice cream out of a nudist camp. 427 00:18:19,794 --> 00:18:21,143 Ooh, that smarts. 428 00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,710 You, you... That's what you are! 429 00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:24,581 What's your rush, Frank? 430 00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:26,496 The next shell isn't due for three minutes. 431 00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:34,156 Can't trust these P.X. clocks for anything. 432 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,681 McIntyre keeps hinting that something went on, Margaret. 433 00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:41,555 We were exhausted. We slept. I told you. 434 00:18:41,598 --> 00:18:43,861 Second shift to surgery, please. Second shift. 435 00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,950 How can you wash your hair at a time like this? 436 00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:47,300 Well, if I'm goin' out, 437 00:18:47,343 --> 00:18:49,215 I'm goin' out with a clean scalp. 438 00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,869 I don't understand what a woman could see in that man, anyway. 439 00:18:51,913 --> 00:18:54,176 Egotistical smart aleck. 440 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,613 He didn't even study medicine in his own state. 441 00:18:56,657 --> 00:19:01,444 Frank, he does have a certain je ne sais quoi. 442 00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:04,665 I should have known he'd talk dirty to you in Spanish. 443 00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:08,190 Frank, I've told you over and over and over! 444 00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,192 We didn't do anything! 445 00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:15,066 Hmm. How far did he get? First base? 446 00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:20,811 Second base? 447 00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:24,946 Home plate? 448 00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:26,948 What difference does it make? 449 00:19:26,991 --> 00:19:28,993 What am I to you, anyway? 450 00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:30,256 A beautiful plaything. 451 00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:31,735 A romp on an army blanket. 452 00:19:31,779 --> 00:19:33,998 Oh, that's not true! 453 00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:37,785 We're soul mates. Don't we listen to Mantovani together? 454 00:19:37,828 --> 00:19:40,918 Don't we both trim the crusts on our bread? 455 00:19:40,962 --> 00:19:43,573 Remember the morning when we held hands 456 00:19:43,617 --> 00:19:45,053 and said the Pledge of Allegiance? 457 00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:49,579 Talk, talk, talk. Talk. 458 00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:51,538 Margaret, I realized 459 00:19:51,581 --> 00:19:55,106 when you were in the supply room with him... 460 00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:56,586 -how much I love you. -Hmm. 461 00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:00,068 Margaret... 462 00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:04,638 -I want to marry you. -[explosion] 463 00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:09,730 -What did you say? -I said I-- 464 00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:11,210 [explosion] 465 00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:14,474 Say it again, Frank. 466 00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:16,215 What? What? 467 00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:18,695 Tell me again what you said about marriage! 468 00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:20,828 Boy, that last one was awful close! 469 00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:22,786 I better go see Colonel Blake! 470 00:20:24,048 --> 00:20:25,441 You weasel! 471 00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:36,844 From Seoul in South Korea, it's beenThe Bob Hope Show, 472 00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:38,628 with Marilyn Maxwell, Jerry Colonna, 473 00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:40,282 Les Brown and his Band of Renown, 474 00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:42,066 and yours truly Hy Averback. 475 00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:43,764 [audience cheering] 476 00:20:45,722 --> 00:20:55,993 ♪♪ ["Chattanooga Choo-Choo"] 477 00:20:56,037 --> 00:20:57,038 What is? 478 00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:00,171 Take it easy, Sanchez. 479 00:21:00,215 --> 00:21:02,130 He's dead? 480 00:21:04,828 --> 00:21:06,482 Klinger! Next patient! 481 00:21:08,528 --> 00:21:10,530 This is Seoul City Sue 482 00:21:10,573 --> 00:21:13,141 bringing you G.I. Joes your favorite songs 483 00:21:13,184 --> 00:21:14,969 and reminding you that all your wives and sweethearts 484 00:21:15,012 --> 00:21:18,320 are being unfaithful to you. 485 00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:20,322 Not true! Not true! 486 00:21:20,366 --> 00:21:22,368 Don't pay any attention to her! 487 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:27,329 You know who's romancing them at home every night? 488 00:21:27,373 --> 00:21:30,158 Every Tom, Dick, and Harry. 489 00:21:30,201 --> 00:21:33,422 There is a Harry at the country club. 490 00:21:33,466 --> 00:21:36,469 Nah! Lorraine wouldn't horse around with a busboy. 491 00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:38,819 [explosion] 492 00:21:38,862 --> 00:21:40,516 Take Sue's word for it. 493 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:44,303 Go home, 121st Evac, MASH 4077. 494 00:21:44,346 --> 00:21:46,479 Go home where the big money is. 495 00:21:46,522 --> 00:21:48,132 Don't help the imperialistic forces in Korea. 496 00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:51,048 Another Harry repairs the golf carts. 497 00:21:53,921 --> 00:21:55,139 Nah! 498 00:21:55,183 --> 00:21:56,793 He got dirty nails, 499 00:21:56,837 --> 00:21:59,666 and he's always digging one finger in his ear. 500 00:21:59,709 --> 00:22:01,320 I'll be right back, 501 00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:03,365 but first here's a golden oldie 502 00:22:03,409 --> 00:22:05,454 to remind you of those wonderful cheating wives 503 00:22:05,498 --> 00:22:07,108 and mothers back home. 504 00:22:07,151 --> 00:22:08,501 Father, will you ask Radar to get 505 00:22:08,544 --> 00:22:09,937 something else on the box? 506 00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:11,286 Yes, sir. 507 00:22:18,815 --> 00:22:21,427 Oh, jeepers. 508 00:22:21,470 --> 00:22:23,951 Frank, you okay? 509 00:22:23,994 --> 00:22:26,388 I've gotta get into this chest, 510 00:22:26,432 --> 00:22:27,998 and I don't know if I can do it. 511 00:22:28,042 --> 00:22:29,391 You can do it. You've done that before. 512 00:22:29,435 --> 00:22:31,045 Well, I've just got so much on my mind. 513 00:22:31,088 --> 00:22:32,786 Suction. Frank... 514 00:22:32,829 --> 00:22:35,702 Trapper tried, but no dice. 515 00:22:35,745 --> 00:22:37,617 He's all yours. 516 00:22:37,660 --> 00:22:40,359 I don't really know what you're talking about. 517 00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:41,882 All right, let's move it. 518 00:22:41,925 --> 00:22:43,449 Get cracking. Get gloves. 519 00:22:43,492 --> 00:22:45,276 And I want an anesthetist over here on the double! 520 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,410 -Scalpel, Sanchez. -Sí, doctor. 521 00:22:48,454 --> 00:22:49,716 [explosions stop] 522 00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:53,546 What's that noise? 523 00:22:54,895 --> 00:22:56,331 Sounds like silence. 524 00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:00,857 Hey, the shelling stopped. 525 00:23:01,945 --> 00:23:03,077 No more boom-boom? 526 00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:04,687 No more boom-boom. 527 00:23:04,731 --> 00:23:06,297 RADAR [blowing into mic]: Testing.Te-- 528 00:23:06,341 --> 00:23:07,864 One, two, three. 529 00:23:07,908 --> 00:23:11,085 Testing, one, two. [clears throat] 530 00:23:11,128 --> 00:23:12,434 Radar here. 531 00:23:12,478 --> 00:23:14,262 Uh, there's nobody on the radio now 532 00:23:14,305 --> 00:23:15,785 except Seoul City Sue, so I figured 533 00:23:15,829 --> 00:23:17,134 I'd keep you entertained by reading you a letter 534 00:23:17,178 --> 00:23:18,527 from my mom. 535 00:23:18,571 --> 00:23:20,703 Everybody dance. 536 00:23:20,747 --> 00:23:22,966 Here goes. [clears throat] 537 00:23:23,010 --> 00:23:24,446 "Dear son: 538 00:23:24,490 --> 00:23:26,274 "I got your lovely letter. 539 00:23:26,317 --> 00:23:28,537 You certainly asked a lot of questions." 540 00:23:28,581 --> 00:23:32,106 [clears throat] "About the car, you may. 541 00:23:32,149 --> 00:23:35,631 "About Jennifer next door, yes. 542 00:23:35,675 --> 00:23:39,592 "About Eleanor Simon, she did once or twice, 543 00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:41,115 but not too much." 544 00:23:42,246 --> 00:23:44,727 "About your Uncle Albert, 545 00:23:44,771 --> 00:23:48,252 "Uh, no on drinking. Yes on A.A. 546 00:23:48,296 --> 00:23:50,559 "About the dog Leon, 547 00:23:50,603 --> 00:23:53,910 "three times in the bedroom, once under the washer, 548 00:23:53,954 --> 00:23:55,912 and twice on the cat." 549 00:23:55,956 --> 00:23:58,698 [clears throat] Test-testing. 550 00:23:58,741 --> 00:24:01,875 "About the cat, we don't have one anymore." 551 00:24:01,918 --> 00:24:04,660 Uh, "About your Cousin Ernie, he's in the--" 552 00:24:04,704 --> 00:24:06,357 [explosion, screaming] 553 00:24:06,401 --> 00:24:08,534 Oh-oh! Here we go again! 554 00:24:08,577 --> 00:24:10,013 Watch out! 555 00:24:10,057 --> 00:24:11,406 Oh, ding bust it, 556 00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:13,016 I wanted to hear about Cousin Ernie. 557 00:24:13,060 --> 00:24:14,235 [chatter] 558 00:24:14,278 --> 00:24:16,019 Get ready to close. 3-0 silk. 559 00:24:16,063 --> 00:24:17,630 Get the next one ready. 560 00:24:21,198 --> 00:24:22,896 [shouting] 561 00:24:22,939 --> 00:24:25,202 Get a blanket on the window up there! 562 00:24:25,246 --> 00:24:26,813 [shouting continues] 563 00:24:29,293 --> 00:24:32,296 Okay, you gotta move with that. Come on. 564 00:24:42,045 --> 00:24:43,438 Major Burns? 565 00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:44,831 Psst. 566 00:24:45,962 --> 00:24:47,442 Major Burns, 567 00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:49,792 don't we have something to discuss? 568 00:24:49,836 --> 00:24:52,534 Something you asked me in my tent? 569 00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:53,883 Tell us, Major. 570 00:24:53,927 --> 00:24:55,494 We're his answering service. 571 00:24:55,537 --> 00:24:57,104 The doctor isn't in. 572 00:24:57,147 --> 00:24:59,672 Leave your name, symptoms, and credit card number. 573 00:24:59,715 --> 00:25:02,109 Tell him he's not gonna welch out on it! 574 00:25:05,329 --> 00:25:06,766 -Frank. -Hmm? 575 00:25:06,809 --> 00:25:08,245 Did you propose? 576 00:25:08,289 --> 00:25:09,682 Figures. 577 00:25:09,725 --> 00:25:11,422 He was afraid he was gonna lose her to you. 578 00:25:11,466 --> 00:25:14,338 Frank, what kind of a guy do you think I am? 579 00:25:14,382 --> 00:25:17,167 We're colleagues, surgeons under the skin, 580 00:25:17,211 --> 00:25:19,213 in mortal combat with the enemy. 581 00:25:19,256 --> 00:25:20,736 Besides, they'll have plenty of time together 582 00:25:20,780 --> 00:25:22,346 after you've gone home. 583 00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:24,087 [whimpering] 584 00:25:25,219 --> 00:25:26,568 Care for a little tonic? 585 00:25:35,229 --> 00:25:37,710 ♪♪ [theme] 40154

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