All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E14 - Private Charles Lamb (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

-Corporal!
-Sir?

Where are you going
with all those vegetables?

Uh, nowhere, Major.

I was just fixing
myself a little salad.

A little salad?

You could hide in there
till the war was over

and nobody'd find you.

Well, my doctor
back home says

I have to eat
lots of greens.

I have a, uh, deficiency
of malnutrition.

What kind of a jackass
do you think I am?

Oh, you'd know that
better than me, sir.

Corporal, if those
vegetables are for you,

you just sit down there
and eat 'em right now,

every bit of 'em.

Now, sir?

Uh, well, I was gonna eat
'em at the movies tonight.

Who eats salad
at the movies?

I'm a vegetarian, sir.
I won't touch popcorn.

Oh.

Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.

Major Burns stopped me.

Oh, gee, he's rough.

I thought he
just hated people,

but he hates us, too.

Hi. Here you go.

There you go.

You're eating just
as good as we do now.

I sure am sorry
about that.

Hey. What's up?

Come here.
I want to see you.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, there we go.

[distant explosions]

It's just the war.

You know, if you were
an American animal,

you'd be miles
away from here.

Maybe not, though.

I'm here, and I'm
an American animal.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

Incoming wounded.

Both surgical shifts report
to the operating room.

Both shifts, please.

We just came off
a shift.

I feel like an embalmer's
practice dummy.

You know how
easily I could live

without any more wounded?

It's called peace.

Well, we certainly can't
have any more of that.

HAWKEYE:
Dear Dad,

The wounded keep
coming and coming.

The latest batch
were Greek soldiers.

Greece is one of
the 17 U.N. Countries

fighting here in Korea.

Greeks, Siamese,
Ethiopians, Turks.

You name 'em, we got 'em.

The common denominator
is blood. It's all red.

And there's an awful lot of
it leaking out around here.

[operating room chatter]

We spent the better
part of a whole day

mending the heirs
to Plato, Plutarch,
Aristotle, Socrates.

I know a Greek back home.
Owns an ice cream parlor.

Right next door
to the Confucius
Hand Laundry, Frank?

What's that
supposed to mean?

Want to learn about
medicine, Mr. Kwang?

-Mm-hmm.
-All came from Greece.

Started with a man named
Hippocrates, born in 460.

Right next door to 461.

He, uh, wrote
treatises on medicine,

handed down concepts
that are in use today.

He also composed
the Hippocratic Oath.

Very good, Frank. Go to
the head of your patient.

I'll finish here. Put him
back on the wooden horse.

Marlow, you want
to give us a hand here?

-Can you guys
get the other end?
-Suction here, okay?

Ours is a noble and ancient
profession, Mr. Kwang.

Homer wrote about doctors
carrying out operations

-in The Iliad.
-Right.

Of course, they didn't
make temple calls.

Who was it who wrote
"A physician alone
is worth many men"?

-I wrote that, Frank.
-Tsk.

Actually, my receptionist
said it once

during a tandem exploratory.

[wincing]

Somebody put me or this
patient back to sleep!

Come on, honey! Move!

What have we here?

Is my leg bad, Doc?

I've seen worse.

Will it have to come off?

I don't know how to do that.
We'll have to keep it on.

You'll be fine. Take five.

Okay, let's prep him.
Come on.

Radar!

Sir?

I will never understand

how you can hear me
before I ever call you.

I guess
it's the same as cows

lying down on all fours
just before it rains.

Do cows
lay down on all fours

-before it rains?
-Yes, sir.

I wonder why.

I don't think they want
to get their bags wet.

Sure know a lot
about animals, Radar.

I got 16 cats
back home, sir.

Oh.

At the draft board they
found a fur ball in my throat.

-Thanks for the pencil, Radar.
-You're welcome, sir.

Oh, sir, there's a Colonel
Andropolis to see you.

Well, do we know any
Andropolises? Andropoli?

He's with the Greek Army.

Has he got a problem?
Does he look like trouble?

Uh, no, sir. He looks
pleasant enough.

All right.
Show him in, Radar.

Uh, yes, sir.

This way, sir.

-Colonel Blake?
-Yes, sir?

Colonel Andropolis, sir.

I am most grateful
for the treatment

my men have received
at your hospital.

Well, we aim
to please, sir.

Can I offer you a drink?

Thank you.

Uh-oh, I'm afraid the
cupboard's a little bare.

Someone's been coming
through the rye here.

Oh, a drink is not
necessary, Colonel.

Oh, well, I usually
wait till noon myself.

I just--

Aha. Here's some gin.

Have you ever
tried ouzo?

-It's a Greek liqueur. -Oh, yes,
I did.

I had a few down
in Seoul one night.

Tried to go to sleep
in a wastebasket.

Cheers.

Yep, well, here's lookin'
up your old address.

Our Greek Easter, Colonel,
is this coming Sunday.

Oh, well, happy,
uh, Athens.

Uh, for those of my men
still in hospital here,

I have arranged for
certain delicacies

to be airlifted
from Greece.

Oh, that's nice.

Your people are invited
to share them with us.

Oh, well,
that's very kind, sir.

Uh, Sunday?

Uh... Uh, fine, good.

I'll just cancel the film

on the history
of athlete's foot.

Okay. Right there.

Delicacies?

Uh, grape leaves,
lamb, moussaka.

-Ouzo?
-Oh, a bathtub full.

Well, I'll practice
keeping my head underwater.

Well, I am afraid
duty calls, Colonel.

Good day,
and thank you.

[speaking Greek]

I'm your relief.

Ah, they couldn't
get a doctor, right?

A word about
today's lunch: don't.

It's called Army Surprise.

Yesterday's
corned beef hash

rehashed in hearts
of helmet salad.

Here you go.

Which end do you blow in?

That kid over there,
the one whose leg you did?

-Chapman? -Mm-hmm.

-The arterial reconstruction?
-Mm-hmm.

Wound was self-inflicted.

You noticed.

The powder burns,
the angle.

For anyone to shoot
him that close,

they'd have to both
be standing inside
the same uniform.

When are they going
to put out a manual
for these kids

on how to self-inflict?

Think Frank knows?

Frank knows so little,

it's hard to keep up with
how much he doesn't know.

I don't think he knows.

He'd had the kid up
on charges in a flash.

Well, that's his
job as head fink.

To report everything
in his finkdom.

Lunch is N.G., huh?

Only if taken internally.

How do you feel?

Better.

You're a lucky boy,
you know?

If that bullet had gone a
half an inch the other way,

you could've
lost your leg.

Good thing the guy
that hit you

wasn't that great a shot.

Yeah.

The cold can really mess up
a guy's aim, you know?

The cold...anxiety...

fear.

Y-You really know a lot
about things, don't you?

People.

Well, that comes
from opening them up

and peeking inside.

You get back at the line,

try not to let the same
guy shoot you again.

I think he's
lookin' to hurt you.

Right.

Also, we need the bed
space for serious cases--

hemorrhoids,
hangnails, like that.

Okay.

I won't be back.

Come on. Eat it.
It's good for you.

It'll put fur
on your chest.

Thattaboy... or girl.

-Or whatever.
-[ringing]

Oh, no, not again.

Colonel Blake's office.
The colonel's in conference,

but if it's important,
I can wake him.

No, you can send that
stuff through. Yeah.

That's that Greek
shipment we're expecting.

FRANK:
Right, right, come on.

Keep bringing it.
Keep bringing it.

Back, back, back, back.

Okay, stop. Stop!

You numbskull!

You almost ran over me!

You understand
that, you boob?

Watch Frank blow Greece
out of the U.N.

I want your name and
serial number, Sergeant.

Savvy? Name-o, numero?

Constantinos Kahtros.

[speaking Greek]

Playing Greek
bingo, Frank?

Mind your own beeswax.

Okay, in here.

Uh, uh, this--
this way, uh, please.

Okay, uh, put, uh, put 'em
here-o, s'il vous plaît.

Or I don't--
I don't speak, uh--

Thank you.

Wow!

RADAR: Shazam!

Would you look at
that beauty stuff?

All this good food
will make us sick.

Our bodies can't
adjust that fast

after all the slop
they've been feeding us.

We may have to go
on two or three days
of garbage withdrawal.

The last steak I ate
I cut out of a magazine.

This stuff
looks great, huh?

If you'd studied
at all, Radar,

you'd know that the Greeks
invented the Edible Complex.

That's where a boy likes
his mother's cooking

better than eating out.

-Really?
-[bleating]

Hey!

That's a lamb!

You bet your mint jelly.

What's he gonna
do with that lamb?

If I know our cook,

he's gonna make pork
chops out of it.

He isn't gonna
kill it, is he?

Radar, how's he
gonna put the pants
on the lamb chops

if the legs keep moving?

Aren't you gonna stop him?

Not until the skin is
roasted a crispy brown

and there's a suggestion
of pink inside.

Mmm!

My neighbor would
put a lamb on a rack

-over charcoal every Easter.
-Mmm!

And they'd turn it slowly
on a spit for hours,

and then they
would baste it

with lots of lemon
and tons of butter.

Hold it, hold it!

My nostrils
could be arrested
for indecent exposure.

Attention, all personnel.

Our Greek allies have
invited us to join them

in their Easter celebration.

There will be
music, dancing,

and a specially
barbecued lamb.

That's tomorrow night,
the mess tent, 2200 hours.

And now, back
to the Korean War

because you asked for it.

Wild music? Dancing?

Barbecuing live animals?

It's paganism,
that's what it is.

It'll turn into a bacchanal.

You think so, Frank?

I can see it, Colonel.

Wine pouring
over supple bodies,

everyone engaged in
debauchery and degradation.

Have to climb
over me to do it.

Well, I'm certainly glad
Major Houlihan's in Tokyo

and not here
to witness this.

I'm glad she's not
here too, Frank.

This is just the first
step, you know.

Today it's a lamb. Tomorrow
you'll sacrifice a virgin.

In this camp?

It's extremely
difficult for me

to serve under
these conditions

and to remain as
decent as I am.

Let go, Frank. Rotten up
like the rest of us.

You leave me no choice

but to register
a formal complaint
with Father Mulcahy

about the looseness around
here, the immorality!

Will that make you
happy, Frank?

-Yes!
-Then go.

Trouble is
Father Mulcahy does have

a rather unfortunate
tendency to forgive people.

Shh. Don't get scared.

I got a plan.

I'm your friend.
Come here.

Listen now.

Uh, I love lambs, see?
I'm your buddy.

I mean, I don't love you
like they love you--

with peas and carrots.

You don't know it,

but they're having a big
party here tomorrow night,

and the only reason
why you're not invited

is 'cause you're
the main course.

Now, listen.
Now you gotta trust me.

I'm crazy about animals.
Honest, you can ask 'em.

I've had dogs and hamsters,

and I got
a 20-year-old turtle

that I raised from a pup.

Now, see this?
This won't hurt.

It's just to help you
to sleep real fast.

It's better than lying there
counting people, right?

Okay, now.
just turn around.

I gotta inject the,
uh, rear of your behind.

Father Mulcahy?

Good thing I don't
need the last rites.

Father...

No.

Dear Father...

Father, dear Father,
come home with me now.

Silly goose.

-[knocking]
-Come.

-Sir?
-Hold on.

Sir, there's somethin'
I wanna get off my chest.

Yes?

I shot myself.

You what?

In the leg,
to get sent back.

I-I shot myself.

Why, you little scum, you.

Shooting yourself?

You oughta be shot for that!

I thought
you'd understand.

You're talking
to a patriot, buddy.

I worship the
United States of America,

for which it stands,
and, unlike you,

would do nothing
to disgrace it

for all the
Communists in China!

You're not the padre.

No, I'm not, señor.

Let's have your name
and serial number.

HENRY: Right. Right.

Yeah, the Greek food
arrived okay, Colonel,

except for the olives.

For some reason,
they all turned black.

Oh!

Well, anyway, we're mighty
grateful for the goodies.

Our own food here leaves
a lot to be desired.

Oh, it fills you up,
if you can keep it down.

Thank you, sir.

Excuse me. Hang on, Radar.

Uh, right, right. Okay.

Thanks again, Colonel.
Righty-o.

And, uh, Abyssinia!

What was all that
I just signed?

Uh, papers, sir.

What kind of papers
were the papers?

Uh, well,
uh, uh, well,

one-one paper
was to complain

that we haven't received
the additional paper

that we asked
for a month ago

when we sent
in a paper-paper,

and like that.

Like what that?

And you also signed
an emergency leave.

-Oh.
-For one of the men.

Which one of the men?

Uh, Private Charles Lamb.

I don't remember
any Charles Lamb.

Oh, yes,
you know him, sir.

Uh, short,
curly-haired guy.

Short, curly-haired?

Yes, had to take
an emergency leave.

-Death in the family? -Almost.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Sergeant Jensen,

please report to
the dentist's tent.

Your uppers have
been waiting a week.

The only problem is I couldn't
stop sneezing

on account of
her angora sweater.

-Henry's not here.
-Are you sure?

Sometimes when he's here,
I get that feeling.

Why don't you just
leave the report?

Where's Colonel Blake?

Henry's not in, Frank.

But he is out.

Can we help?
Just fill this in.

"I Want Out of This Rotten,
Stinking Army Because,"

in 25 dirty words or less.

I happen to be here on
very serious business.

-Oh.
-Well, you're a very
serious fellow.

We're thinking of chipping
in to buy you a smile.

Actually, you're
just as much to blame.

Right.

Right what?

Whatever.

I'm so neurotic,
anything you say,

you got a good chance
of striking guilt.

Well, you are just
as much to blame.

You'll have to sit
in the rear of the war.

Are you going to deny
he was your patient?

A little specificity, Frank.

I've had a few million
patients since I got here.

Just last night, I pasted
a new liver in my scrapbook.

I'm talking about
Private Chapman.

His wound was
self-inflicted.

A first-year medical student
would be able to detect that.

Then how did you
find out?

He told me. Chapman.

-When?
-Why?

Not five minutes ago,

because he thought
I was a priest.

Slowly, Frank.

I was in
Father Mulcahy's tent

to register a complaint.

Get a little dirt on
Saint Christopher, Frank?

I was leaving the
good father a note

when this Chapman came
in on his crutches.

-And you tripped him.
-Hold it.

So?

So nothing.

He confessed the fact
that he shot himself.

And now my duty's clear.

You get the rope, Frank.
We'll bring the tree.

Doing one's duty is not
performing a lynching.

Frank, look...

a lot of kids have
made the same mistake.

Let him go back and
straighten himself out.

Nertz.

Probably get ten years.

Maybe 20.

Oh, I don't think they'd
give you that much, Frank.

Me?

For impersonating a priest.

A priest? I never!

Frank, you can fool some of
the papal some of the time.

It's a lie!

And you can count on us
not to back you up, Frank.

Very serious business, this.

TRAPPER:
Posing as a priest.

They'll give you
the electric pew.

One of these days,
boy!

Attention, all personnel.

Please contact Colonel Blake
if anyone knows

the whereabouts
of tonight's entrée.

In the meantime,

be on the lookout for
a white Caucasian lamb.

He is reported
to be unarmed

and considered
to be delicious.

That is all.

This whole place
is off its rocker.

-What's up, Henry?
-What happened to the lamb?

Do I know?
Do I know anything?

Everything in this country
disappears except me.

Boy, would I like to
wake up some morning,

look down,
and find myself gone.

You're babbling
again, Henry.

Colonel Andropolis
has the thing flown in

all the way from Greece,

and now the damn lamb's
flown the coop.

HAWKEYE: Now, that's
a pretty neat trick.

The U.N. Command
in Seoul's called.

Boy, am I in Dutch
with the Greeks.

The man's a fountain
of straight lines.

Oh, go ahead, joke.

I'm in trouble
up to my whatsis.

One more chewing out and
my belly button'll cave in.

-Uh, sir?
-Not now, Radar.

Uh, it's about
the lamb, Colonel.

Where is it?

Ahem.

Well, I don't want you
to get in trouble, sir,

but, uh...

it's been set free.

Well, what horse's
patoot did that?

Um...you did, sir.

You gave him a medical
discharge this afternoon.

Private Charles Lamb?

Radar, you tricked me!

Well, I didn't want
to see him killed, sir.

I'd rather be
barbecued myself

with an apple
shoved up my face.

I gave a discharge
to a sheep.

He's on his way to Tokyo now.

On Bo-Peep Airlines.

A buddy of mine will
reroute him to Iowa

to my folks.
I've already radioed 'em.

They're expecting him.

He could sleep
in your room.

Your pants'll
just fit him.

I may be losing my mind.

Don't fight it, Henry.

I've got Command
on my tail

and a hospital full of
Greeks waiting for a lamb

who's sitting on a plane
on his way to Iowa

to become Radar's
little brother!

Henry, you get everybody
in the mess tent.

Start pumping ouzo into 'em.

Trapper and I will
supply you with a lamb.

How are you
gonna do that?

Tell him, Trap.

You tell him,
then we'll both know.

♪♪

[speaking Greek]

[shouting]

Hey. Pardon me.

What the hell is that?

A Spam lamb!

Come on, kid,
join the party.

See what a celebration
of life is really like.

I feel out of place.

Hey, look, you're
old enough to fight,

you're old
enough to dance.

♪♪

[shouting]

Ouzo!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Good evening, Father.

You son of a gun, you.

♪♪ [whistling]

♪♪ [theme]