All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E10 - There is Nothing Like a Nurse (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme plays]

[chattering]

Give me some 3-0 chromic,
Mr. Kwang.

-Yes, Doctor.
-[Hawkeye speaking Korean]

MR. KWANG:
You're welcome, sir.

I didn't ask for
a Kelly clamp, Nurse!

But you did, sir.

Don't argue with the surgeon.

HAWKEYE: Everyone's a surgeon.

I wouldn't let him cut
the giblets out of a turkey.

He'd probably give it
cranberry complications.

-Down.
-Uh...

-Now the Kelly.
-Yes, Doctor.

Major, may I have a nurse
to work with who isn't
quite so smug?

-I'll take over here, Baker.
You're tired.
-I'm perfectly fine.

I sad you're tired.
That's an order.

HAWKEYE: Get off
her back, Margaret.

-She's my nurse.
-I'll give you $500 for her.

-Sold!
-You report to my quarters.

Major Burns will show
you how to get there.

Sir?

Major Houlihan requests
permission to see the colonel.

Well, tell her I died
of a hangover and didn't
leave a forwarding address.

Yes, sir.

Colonel, I want
a few words with you.

I just hope I can hear
you over the tom-toms.

I think you'll be able
to hear me all right,
all right.

Here's some
black coffee, sir.

-God bless you, Radar.
-Hope so, sir.

-Colonel.
-Radar, turn on the news.

Maybe the war just ended,
and I won't have to talk to her.

Yes, sir. I'll get you
that station right away.

Colonel Blake,
I wish to charge

Lieutenant Janet Baker
with insubordination,

and I insist
on your assurance

that she will be given prompt
and vigorous punishment.

Well, Major, there's a French
unit right down the road.

Now why don't you
just run down there

and see if you can borrow
their guillotine?

Ha!

Don't do that.

I want her placed
under bed arrest.

Bed what?

When she's not on duty
and other than at meal times,

she is to sit on the edge
of her bed at attention
for one month.

Oh, be reasonable, Major.

You can't keep a nurse
in bed for a month.

Although there are a few
people who have tried it.

Well, you're certainly proving
your lack of usual help.

Boy, Major,
you and your nurses can be
pains in the royal butt.

If you're not in here
every five minutes

with a lot of bugle oil
about how you can't
control them,

they're here complaining
that you're Hermann Goering
in drag.

Which one of them
said that?

I'm not finking, Major.
I'm not gonna have you chain

some poor little nurse
to her cot

or set her adrift
in a bedpan.

Then you don't mind
if I go over your head again?

Just so long
as it's on tiptoe.

I think H.Q. would be
very interested to learn

that this unit is commanded
by an inept incompetent

who runs down his chief nurse
every chance he gets!

Speaking man-to-man, Colonel,
I realize the war
unhinges us all.

If we were to take off
our uniforms, we could
possibly become friends.

That fact aside, your conduct
is so beneath contempt

that I won't lower myself
to elevate it.

-Good day, sir!
-Uh-huh.

Sir! H.Q. Just called.

They said we could be
expecting an enemy attack.

Radar, that's the nicest thing
I've heard today.

♪ When I die

BOTH:
♪ When I die

♪ And it won't be long

BOTH:
♪ And it won't be long

♪ Hey, you're
gonna be sorry ♪

BOTH:
♪ Hey, you're gonna be sorry

♪ That you treated me wrong

BOTH:
♪ That you treated me wrong

♪ Yeah, you're
gonna be sorry ♪

BOTH:
♪ Hey, you're gonna be sorry

♪ That you treated me bad

BOTH:
♪ That you treated me bad

ALL:
♪ And if there's
an afterlife ♪

♪ I'll go,
then I'll be glad ♪

Hey, Calvin, Trap.

Hey, where are
the nurses going, Radar?

44th Field Hospital

with all the wounded
that can be moved.

It looks like we maybe
might get hit by an
enemy paratroop drop.

Got any other
good news?

Christmas canceled?
The Pentagon been enlarged?

-Lassie been spayed?
-What do you want from me?
I'm just as unhappy as you.

Believe me,
we're unhappier.

Because we're taller.

Together, we're at least two
feet unhappier than you are.

-You hear the news?
-If you were a nurse,

we'd be shipping you
to the 44th.

If I was a nurse,
I'd be home now, pregnant.

Forward! March!

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Detail halt! One, two!

I want foxholes...
there, there,

there and there...

each smartly dug...

the kind of hole a man can
throw himself into with pride.

Detail dig!
Two, three, four!

-Hello, Frank.
-I've heard that before.

Turning the compound into
a putting course, Frank?

Instead of standing around
cracking wise,

I should think
you might want to set
an example for the men.

Well, I'd rather
set an example
for the women.

Oh, put a sock on it.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all nurses.

Please be prepared
to leave in one hour.

One hour till the nurses go.

[three knocks]

[two knocks]

-[one knock]
-Come in.

-Just one second, bunny.
-Sure.

What do you want?

Major Burns says he'll
be detained a little late.

He's having himself
lowered into the ground

to show the right height
for how low

a foxhole should be dug down
so you can stand up into it.

Thank you.

Can I help you with
anything, Major? Packing?

No. Thank you. But that's
very kind of you, Corporal.

-Did I ever tell you how much
you look like my sister?
-No.

-Except you're a lot older.
-That would be your younger
sister?

No. She's 37.

Don't slam the door.

Am I leaving?

[sighs]

[moaning]

-I'm going to miss you
something awful.
-[moans]

-Oh.
-Did you know you had
this thing back here?

-What thing?
-My tongue.

Oh. Oh.
[moaning continues]

Why are all
the great guys married?

Who said I was?

You did.

[yelps]
That's my best nose.

Oh, stuff your nose.

Do you mind?
I paid good money
for this supply room.

-[three knocks]
-Come in, Frank.

You didn't use
our secret knock.

Frank, the whole camp
knows our secret knock.

The degenerates!

Completely preoccupied
with pleasures of the flesh.

Oh, Margaret!

To think I won't have
this neck to nuzzle,

these lobes to nibble.

It's gonna be
sheer hell.

Oh, how those dirty words
inflame me!

[gasps]

I'll call you from
the 44th, first chance.

To become just
a disembodied voice.

When we've spent all
this time being so embodied.

For you, darling.

Oh.

Frank, is that
what I think it is?

Hair. Mine.

There's six months'
haircuts in there.

For me?

I was saving them
for my mother.

She glues my hair
into the shape of flowers,

puts them under glass.

Frank, I think your mother
should have this. Please.

I'm a big boy, Margaret.
I'm over 21.

I can give my hair to anyone
I please. Please. Keep it.

If anything should happen

and we never see
each other again,

at least you can always
run your fingers through
the envelope.

Oh. Ohh.

Ready to roll, Colonel.

-See you in a few days.
-Hopefully.

Major.

Captain.

-Captain.
-Major.

Pierce!

Colonel!

Cut it out, Pierce.

I'd like to leave
a call for 8:30.

That has to be an affront
to every decent army officer

all the way back
to George Washington.

Major.

Did you know that
Washington's false teeth
were made out of wood?

Really?

Martha's lips were
always full of slivers.

[truck door shuts]

Let's get this show
on the road.

[engine starts]

Hold it!

[gasping, groaning]

-HENRY: Klinger,
that's desertion.
-No, sir. Honest.

I just fell asleep
in here, I swear.

All right. Take it away.

-[chattering]
-HAWKEYE: I'd like a dry
martini, Mr. Kwak...

a very dry martini.

A very dry, arid,
barren, desiccated

veritable dust bowl
of a martini.

I want a martini that can
be declared a disaster area.

-Mix me just such a martini.
-With two straws.

Make it to go, please.
I'd like to drink it
in the States.

-Boy, do I miss my wife.
-So do I.

I don't even
know your wife,
and I miss her.

I'll miss my wife.

You miss my mother.

Fence builder.

What's he up to?

You mean, what's he
upside down to, Frank?

He says he's gonna
stay that way until
the nurses come back.

-Off your head and on your
feet, Spalding!
-Yes, sir.

We happen to be under
blackout conditions, gentlemen.

We're still at war,
you know.

I guess that explains
all the boom-booms.

That sassy jabber is wasted
on me, Captain Wiseapple.

I'm miserable enough, Frank.
Don't start with me...

or I'll give you a nose job
from the inside.

You'd better get
out of here, Frank.

He doesn't care anymore.
He's wanted in five states now.

Oh, you phony baloneys!

[wolf whistles]

Forget it.

When the nurses come back,

I'll be tossed aside like
an old shoe.

-Here's your guitar, Captain.
-Thanks, Klinger.

Give me a beer,
Mr. Kwak.

If they come back.

Boy, I miss your mother.

Would you like to see
her picture again?

I've seen every picture
of every female that's
in this camp.

There's that reel under
Frank's bunk we've never seen.

That's probably just
a movie of Frank's parents

being told he died
at birth.

They'll be back.

♪♪ [strumming melody]

Dry, Mr. Kwak.

Dry, drier,
driest. Unwet.

The ultimate,
the perfect martini,

a drink that's dying
of thirst.

♪ And I wonder
if they miss us ♪

♪ Now, wouldn't
that be funny ♪

♪ Now that we're
without them ♪

♪ We can hardly
stand ourselves ♪

♪ Well, it's funny
when they're here ♪

♪ How we take for granted

♪ The way they taste,
the way they feel ♪

♪ Their sight, their smell,
their sound ♪

♪ And it's funny
when they're gone ♪

♪ Just how bad we miss them

♪ And how life can be
so empty ♪

♪ When they're not around

♪ And I wonder
if they miss us ♪

♪ Now, wouldn't that
be funny ♪

♪ Now that we're
without them ♪

♪ We can hardly
stand ourselves ♪

Oh. Yeah, okay.
I got it. Right.

-Well, what's the poop?
-Huh?

Oh, uh, the nurses all
arrived safely at the 44th.

We're still expecting a, uh,
enemy parachute drop,

but we can't evacuate
due to the constant
inflow of wounded.

Well, let the enemy come.

We'll show them
American guts in action.

I think mine have
started already, sir.

-Choppers.
-[helicopters approaching]

[telephone ringing]

M.A.S.H., 4077th.

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention.
Attention, all personnel.

Incoming.

Incoming wounded arriving
by vehicle,

plus choppers on both
upper and lower pads.

All available personnel
will report to the O.R.

to help with nursing chores.

We need lots of hands.

-[Hawkeye talking, indistinct]
-[metal clanking]

-[Henry scolds, indistinct]
-Just look this way, Father,
where the blood is.

-Rake retractor, Father.
-Uh, rake... Uh.

Rake. It's at the end
of the tray there.

Oh. Sorry.

That's all right.
You're all heart.

Unfortunately,
you're all thumbs as well.

Suction.

Suction?

It's the thing that goes...
[imitates sucking]

My kingdom for a nurse.

I'm doing my best.

Radar, if you don't start
handing me the instruments
in the right way,

I'm gonna cut you off
at the knees.

I thought he was
cut off at the knees.

Klinger, you're
standing in my light.

Whatever I do is no good.

If Hot Lips were here
right now,

I'd kiss her feet.

And bump into Frank
coming around the toe?

Okay, Klinger, give me
the clamp, give me the clamp.

Thataboy.

3-0 silk on a cutting
needle, Mr. Kwang.

Let's keep those
sponges coming, Father.

"Nurse" is also a verb.

Margaret!

Oh, Margaret, I'm so glad
I could get through to you.

I...

Just a minute, darling.

How are you, precious?

Fine now, darling.
How are you?

Oh, I'm just a wreck
without you. Honest.

The only thing
that keeps me going

are the letters
from my wife.

Really, Frank?
Just letters?

No packages?
She hasn't knitted you
a divorce?

Sorry, Margaret.

How do you like the 44th?

Any, uh, handsome
doctors up there?

Are you still
expecting an attack?
That's what we hear.

Oh, we're ready for it. Heh.

I've got the whole
place organized.

Of course, Pierce and
McIntyre have been no help.

Last night,
they filled my foxhole

-with peas and carrots.
-Oh, dear.

And then they put a whoopee
cushion in my helmet liner.

You're bigger
than they are, Frank.
We both know that.

Margaret, are there...

there?

Are there what here?

Margaret, falling for me,
I realized how easily

you can be taken in
by a handsome face.

You're not jealous?

I'm a doctor, Margaret.

But I swear, if I caught you
with another man,

I'd blow my brains out,
and then I'd kill both of you.

[laughing]
Did you hear what you said?
You got it all backwards.

[cackling]
I mean, I'd kill both of you
and then I'd kill myself.

Seriously, Frank.

Knowing you'd kill me
somehow makes my life
worthwhile.

Well, I wouldn't kill
just anyone, Margaret.

I've gotta go now, darling.

I love you.

I love you.

Hang up, Frank.

You hang up first.

Frank, that's so high school.

Let's count to three,
and then we'll hang up together.

Okay, you start.

One.

Two.

BOTH: Three!

Get 'em, Frank!

Pierce! McIntyre!

Stop! Wait! Hold it!

[screams]

Stop!

[Trapper laughs]

[Frank yelling]
Help! Help! Oh!

FRANK: Now, cut that out.
Help! Stop that jeep!

Help! Let me out of here!

[yelping] Let me out!

Why, that's
amazing, Frank.

Camouflaging yourself
as a jeep.

You get the film.
I'll get the projector
and popcorn.

FRANK: You can't park a jeep
over a superior officer!

Let me out!

If this belongs to Frank,
you can be sure it's not
a girlie movie.

You never can
tell, Henry.

We just heard Frank make
a semi-obscene phone call.

Right. No further word
about the enemy attack, sir.

Good, good.

HAWKEYE:
There will be no enemy attack.

My personal theory is
that the Chinese just
sent headquarters

a threatening
fortune cookie.

Get the window, Klinger.

TRAPPER:
Don't stand in the light.

HAWKEYE:
You little heartbreaker.

Everyone comfortable?

Not for a year now.

-TRAPPER: Let her rip, Henry.
-You got it.

[projector whirring]

I think
I saw this movie.

BLAKE: Oh, pipe down.

MCINTYRE:
Radar, get your
hand off my knee.

That's not funny!

Come on.
Get out of the way, will you?

"I've invited you all here
today because I'm ready
to name the murderer."

[laughs]

Hey, that's
his wedding pictures.

It must be.
I don't see a casket.

-I hate that hat.
-[laughing]

-TRAPPER: Our hero!
-HAWKEYE: The plot thins!

-HENRY: Beautiful.
Found his buttonhole.
-[all murmuring]

TRAPPER:
Hey, would you
look at that smile?

HAWKEYE:
That smile can be
cured at birth now.

He sure invited
a lot of empty chairs.

RADAR: We got chairs
like that back home.

-HENRY: Mm.
-BOTH: Aww.

-♪♪ [whistling
"Here Comes The Bride"]
-HENRY: Thar she blows!

Oh, I love her gown.

TRAPPER: You have got
a better figure.

HAWKEYE: This is
the happiest day of her life.

[Trapper laughs]

HAWKEYE:
Oh, there they are.

Franklin D. Whitebread
marries Miss Cynthia
Soon-To-Be-Frigid.

Don't do it, Frank!

TRAPPER:
You'll be sorry.

HAWKEYE:
Say no, Frank!

RADAR:
Them flowers are pretty.

TRAPPER:
Her hands are
full of water.

[Hawkeye laughs]

HENRY: Oh, brother.

[all laughing]

TRAPPER:
There's two locked up.

Got 'im!

Oh, look!

Even then, he didn't
know how to hold a knife.

Watch the cake die
of malpractice.

Why do I feel sorry
for Frank?

[Trapper laughs hysterically]

Hey, what's that sticking
to him?

HAWKEYE: That's the bride.
Oh, good. Lovely.

TRAPPER:
Smarts a little, huh, Frank?

-Good shot, honey.
-KLINGER: Hit him
right in the mush.

Look at her.
She can hardly wait.

RADAR:
Is that their daughter?

That looks
like you, Radar.

Nah. The little
girl's taller.

RADAR: Who asked you?

Traveling light.

RADAR: Anybody hear a siren?

You suppose she'll
take off her glasses?

Look. Lookit. Lookit.

Don't blow this, Frank!

"Oh, just shut up
and get in the car, Frank."

HENRY:
"Come on, I wanna drive."

"Never mind that.
Just get in the car."

-HENRY: "Oh, well."
-[all laughing]

"Sit down
and shut up."

RADAR: I could've sworn
I heard a siren.

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

HENRY: Good-bye!

[imitating stuttering]
Be-dee, be-dee...
That's all, folks.

[sirens blaring]

Air raid!
Plane spotted!

You picked a fine time
to watch a dirty movie.

This was the worst
of all, Frank.

[engine sputtering]

Hey, the plane's
dropping something.

Holy cow!

It's Five O'Clock Charlie!

That idiot?
That's the raid?

-He couldn't hit
the side of a war.
-HENRY: Burns.

[plane engine sputtering]

"Give up,
Yankee imperialist dog."

It's an I.O.U.
for an attack.

"Harry Truman is
sleeping with your wife"?

-You know what this means, huh?
-What? Ohh.

-Radar, call...
-The 44th's busy, sir,

but I'll have the nurses here
by breakfast.

HENRY:
Let's have a drink.

-[nurses whooping]
-[truck horn honking]

♪♪ ["Happy Days Are
Here Again" on P.A.]

[whooping, cheering continue]

[inaudible dialogue]

-Hey, Trapper! Trapper!
Look at this!
-Huh?

[inaudible dialogue]

-This way, ladies.
-Welcome home.

♪ Oh, when I die

BOTH:
♪ Oh, when I die

♪ And it won't be long

BOTH:
♪ And it won't be long

♪ Hey, you're
gonna be sorry ♪

BOTH:
♪ Hey, you're
gonna be sorry ♪

♪ That you treated me wrong

BOTH:
♪ That you treated me wrong

♪ Yeah, you're
gonna be sorry ♪

BOTH:
♪ Oh, you're
gonna be sorry ♪

♪ That you treated me bad

BOTH:
♪ That you treated me bad

ALL:
♪ And if there's
an afterlife ♪

♪ I'll go,
then I'll be glad ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha

♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho

♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho

♪ Chuckle, chuckle,
chuckle, chuckle ♪

♪ Chuckle, chuckle,
chuckle, chuckle ♪

♪ Snigger, snigger,
snigger, snigger ♪

♪ Snigger, snigger,
snigger, snigger ♪

♪ Guffaw, guffaw

♪ Guffaw, guffaw

♪ Yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk

♪♪ [theme plays]