All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E04 - Iron Guts Kelly (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme plays]

-Do you believe that breakfast?
-Premature leftovers.

Another day in the R.O.K.

Nurse, I'm putting
myself in your hands.

-That'll be a switch.
-Don't get fresh, Doctor.

I can't help it.
I have myself flown
in fresh every day.

All right, people,
everything shipshape in here?

Aye, aye, sir.

Except the camp
is taking on water.

Can the sarcastication,
Captain,

and start taking a real
interest in our effort.

Are you serious?
I just made a big
bet on the war.

Yeah, who do you like?

I got the United Nations
in eight points.

I think that's
a pretty good bet

if MacArthur's
shoulder holds out.

I certainly hope
we're not going to have
this kind of tomfoolery

during General Kelly's
inspection.

Who's General Kelly?

"Iron Guts" Kelly
happens to be

one of the greatest
fighting generals

in our nation's history.

I think I know him.

Always fights in
purple trunks, glass jaw?

-Uh, Rad--
-Sir!

-He's here, sir.
-Is there any word on General--

General Kelly just
pulled in the compound.

Holy moley.
Okay, stash the polish.

I'll put it under "P."

Camp cleaned up?
No crap games?

No one's invited
any business girls?

Yes, sir.
None, sir.

Good, good.
I need a drink.

-The smell, sir.
-[cork popping]

I'll take vodka.
It doesn't have any.

Radar, come here a minute.

[exhaling]
What do you smell?

-Bourbon.
-Oh, rats.

I never should've had
that before the vodka.

-Have some gum.
-Oh, thanks, Radar.

Radar, I can't chew gum
in front of a general.

Ten-hut!

Colonel Blake.

-Uh, sir?
-I'm Colonel Wortman.

-Colonel.
-Aide to Lieutenant
General Kelly.

-General.
-Colonel.

-General.
-First-rate.

Uh-huh.

Uh, your treatment
of the wounded.

The general's impressed
with your high record

of achievement in
the mending of our men.

Thank you, General.
That's mighty nice.

The men, that's what
it's all about.

That's what
the general believes.

I believe in their care,
their welfare.

Nothing's too good
for the men.

A general marches
on his men.

Yes, sir. I'm sure, sir.

Is that one salute for
the whole war, sonny? Hmm?

Bet he lied about
his age to get in.

He won't have to lie about
his injuries to get out.

It kills me.
They're such babies.

When I was his age,
I couldn't make up my mind

whether to become a doctor
or a fireman.

What'd you finally decide?

Well, I'm a doctor,
but I have a pole
in my office.

Give me some suction here,
Mr. Kwang.

Psst. Psst. He's on
his way, over here.

-Who's over here on his way?
-General Kelly. Iron Guts.

Never fails. The one day I
don't go to the beauty parlor.

-Shall we get out
the good silverware?
-This is the good silverware.

Uh-oh. It's three stars
at 12:00.

-Try to look busy
for the general.
-Bleed at attention, please.

Yeah, that's good.
All right, go on
to the next one.

-Yeah, okay.
-Doctors, we have a guest.

That's a relief.
I thought it was a stickup.

[laughing]

Uh, Captains Pierce,
McIntyre,

this is
Lieutenant General Kelly.

Excuse us for not
saluting, General.

Our hands are
all full of "icch."

What seems to be wrong
with this soldier?

Well, he's got
a weight problem.

Caught about five pounds
of lead in his belly.

You boys are certainly
doing a fine job.

-You too, General.
-Pierce.

We could never do
any of this without
your help, sir.

Not at all.
I shudder to think

what the army would do
without you fine doctors.

Probably bleed
all over themselves.

And what medical unit
would be complete

without these lovely
angels of mercy?

Please, general, don't
contaminate our nurse.

If you'll step outside, sir,
I'll have you sterilized.

They kid because
of the tension.

-Yes, it helps create more.
-Uh, right. Yes. No.

Uh, Pierce-- Uh, sir,
would you like to see x-ray?
Something may develop there.

-[Henry laughs]
-Hawk--

Give me another one.

That's all right.
Likewise, I'm sure.

How about a little,
uh, splash, General?

Do you drink
during a war?

Are we under attack?

I always feel
that way, sir.

Well, I'll have
a double rye.

With soda? Water?

You got something
against rye, Colonel?

Uh, double rye for the general,
Mr. Kwok. Colonel?

Oh, I'll have the same
as the general.

The colonel will have what
the general is having

and I'll have what the general
and the colonel are having.

-Rye, sir?
-Right. Only make mine scotch.

Yes, sir.

A little quiet
around here for a war.

-Well, thank you, sir.
-The general means--

What I mean is,
if I don't hear some good

old-fashioned gunfire
every now and again

I think I'd go out
of my mind.

Would you like me
to send a few of my men out
to the rifle range, sir?

That's what you need
around here-- some music.

Hiya.

[Frank clears throat]

Oh, uh, General Kelly,
I'd like you to meet

our very fine head nurse,
Major Houlihan

and, uh, Major Burns,
one of our best surgeons,
a real killer.

-Major.
-General.

-General.
-Major.

-And the general's aide,
Colonel Wortman.
-Major.

-Colonel.
-Colonel.
-Major.

-Colonel.
-General.

Hmm? Oh, no.
My colonel, Colonel.

Oh, I'm sorry, General.
I got it all brass-backwards.

Uh, Colonel, maybe the majors
will join us in a drink.

Just being in your presence is
intoxicating enough, General.

A very kind thing to say.

We're always surprised
that she can be kind, sir.

General, I wonder
if I might take a snapshot
for my scrapbook.

Sure, if you wanna
take a chance on
breaking your camera.

This all right
with you, Major?

Oh, General,
I'd be flattered.

Uh, you back
far enough, Frank?

Excuse me.

Oh! Your gun is digging
into my thigh.

Lucky gun.

Uh, would you
take a picture

of me and the general
with the major, Colonel?

Oh, you got it.

Uh, Colonel Wortman,

why don't you go along
with Major Burns here

and check out the unit's
motor pool setup

and see how closely
it conforms

to the Pentagon's
new Franistan Plan.

Give it a good
going-over, you know?

Take your time, a couple
of hours at least.

-Yes, sir.
-Now, General?

Uh, General, what is
the Franistan Plan?

A tremendous army
research project

for making crankcase oil
edible after 5,000 miles.

Really?

-Major?
-Yes, Colonel. General.

Oh, sorry.

How about a refill,
General?

Hmm? Oh, oh.
No, thanks, Colonel.

It's getting to be
about that time.

Got to put the little
old stars to bed.

Oh, well, then,
I'll just show you the
V.I.P. tent, sir.

Oh, that won't
be necessary.

Oh, it's no bother.
Whenever you're ready, General.

I'll see you
in the morning, Colonel.

Oh, fine.

Then you probably won't be
seeing any more of me right now.

I've got dirt to
scratch and eggs to lay.

General. Major.

-Pierce, wake up! Pierce!
-Huh?

I've got to see you.

Margaret, this is
a recurring dream come true.

-My tent.
-Whatever you say.

Gee, now I wish
I'd shaved last month.

-[clattering]
-What's up?

I need your help.

I'm in trouble.
Terrible trouble.

And you, a nurse?
Take two aspirin and
give two to the rabbit.

-Please!
-Please?

MAN: Hey, Doc.

Come on over.
We're having a party

with some of
the local lovelies.

No, thanks.
I'm a happily unmarried man.

Listen, there's
a lot of big brass around.

You guys got to
keep it down

or we'll have to
pinch your girls.

-Devil.
-Yes, sir.

Probably a massive M.I.

If his last words were
"I shall return," don't wait.

I think his pulse
stopped before he did.

This is terrible.

Nothing like this has
ever happened to me before.

I'm sure it's a
first for him too.

Did you try
to resuscitate him?

How do you think
he died?

We've got to get
him out of here.

Well, the only problem
is all the walk's
gone out of his legs.

-[Knocking]
-Psst. Margaret, it's me.

It's Frank.
What do I do with him?

-Well, this is
no time to go into that.
-Not in front of the general.

Margaret, let me in.
I've got to talk toyou.

I've got a
terrible headache.

Well, it's not
a "headache" visit.
I just wanna talk.

Just a minute, Frank.

[clattering]

-What is it, Frank?
-Well, Margaret, l--

What's going on?

Nothing's going on, Frank.
I just couldn't sleep.

-And we couldn't sleep.
-So we're all here not
sleeping together.

-Gin.
-Get rid of them.

-You cheated.
-I did not.

-Give me 20 minutes.
-Margaret, it's so unlike you
having them here.

Well, it's all right, Frank.
It's unlike them too, so--

I know you cheated
'cause I taught you
everything you know.

-Come again, Frank.
-Good night, Frank.

Don't you wish.

Just as I suspected--
a closet general.

Step right this way, sir.

-Trap.
-Check outside.

All clear.
Where are you taking him?

To the V.I.P. tent.

-Will that be all right?
-He doesn't seem to mind.

Hey, hey, hey.

All we need is for
somebody to salute him.

He'd probably return
it out of reflex.

Okay. Come on.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

What's wrong?
Is the general ill?

He's a little past ill.

-What are you saying?
-He's dead.

Dead? What?
He can't be dead.

Look, we both studied "dead."
This man's dead.

But he-he-he was fine
a little while ago.
What's happened?

-Myocardial infarction.
-What does that mean?

It means his
pearl-handled guns
are up for grabs now.

Well, this is horrible.

How did it happen?

We'd, uh, rather not say.

Yeah, let's just say
he expired in here.

He just V.I.P.'ed away.

No.

He died in action,
at the front.

That's what the
headlines will read.

Leading his troops
against overwhelming odds

with shells bursting
all around him

until that one shell
with his name on it

caught up with him.

That's how General
"Iron Guts" Kelly died.

Oh, I see.

Not, uh--

Oh.

I got a pretty good idea
of how he really went,

but it's got to appear
as though he died

more meaningfully.

There's a Zen saying:

"Just as a clay jar will
sooner or later crumble

"while being lowered
into a well,

"so all generals
must eventually
perish in battle."

All you have to do is sign
the death certificate

and I'll fill in
the details.

There's another
Zen saying:

"Only doctors
with holes in head

"sign death certificates
like gift vouchers."

Count us out.

Then I'll have to order you.

That's different.

Then we refuse.

Is the captain aware
of chain of command?

Is the colonel aware
of the Hippocratic oath?

We have sworn never
to misrepresent.

Never to use tongue
depressors for shoehorns.

Never to have ourselves
paged at the front.

And not to open the Acme
Death Certificate Company.

History demands that the
general die a glorious death.

You know where we can hire
500 Indians and a wagon train?

If you lie about the general
dying in battle,

it's unfair to the thousands
of guys who really did.

Not at all. He was willing
to die that way,

hoping to die that way.

He was a nutcase.

I think dying this way
may have saved his life.

Good night, Colonel.

I'll see you both
at court-martial.

We'll be the ones with
our hands on the Bible.

Uh, Captains.

Uh, I appeal
to your patriotism,

your sense of fair play.

-Make up your mind.
-Just one favor.

He's too heavy
for me to lift.

Put the General
in an ambulance

and I'll drive him
to the front.

That much we can do.

But not a word of this
to Hippocrates.

[snoring]

-You there!
-[screaming]

Get me the war on the phone.

-The war, sir?
-The front, boy.
The front.

That's not a teddy bear?

Uh, uh, yes, sir.

Uh, regulations against
having the real kind.

Let's get on the stick.

-Do you have the number
of the front, sir?
-No, I don't.

Uh, is it an unlisted battle?

Just get me an army
sector where there's
heavy fighting.

I've got to get there.

Uh, Eighth Army,
73rd Artillery, "G" Sector?

Uh, Ra--
Uh, here you go, sir.

Colonel Wortman here,
aide to General Kelly.

What's the picture
up there?

Exchanging
any heavy fire?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I see.

No fighting,
but lots of diarrhea.

Why would you wanna go to
the front to see that, sir?

It's not for me.
It's for the General.

-Oh.
-Get me, um--

Get me Hill 413.

I know we've been trying
to take it for weeks.

Hill 413.

Uh, yeah, uh,
MASH 4077th.

Um, how's it going
up there?

Yeah?

Uh, oh, right.

Uh, I'm sorry, sir.
We took that hill.

What rotten luck.

Well, you can't lose 'em all.
[nervous chuckling]

Don't you know where
there's some action going on?

Uh, well, there's always
Rosie's place across the road.

Where's the morning paper?
They've always got a war going.

Oh, we don't get
this morning's paper
for two weeks, sir.

Well, call around.
This is a war.

-Someone must be fighting
it somewhere.
-Yes, sir.

The General's heavier
than I thought.

About a hundred pounds
of it is ego.

-Your end first.
-Okay.

This reminds me
of medical school.

We once took a cadaver
to a football game.

You're kidding.

He was a lot more fun
than my date.

[knocking on door]

-Who is it?
-FRANK: It's me.

-Me who?
-Me, Frank.

What is it, Frank?

Well, what do you mean,
"Me who?"

when I say "It's me"?

How many me's do you know?

Frank, you're the
only "me" in my life.

Now, please go.

What's the matter
with you, Margaret?

I have a headache.
A tremendous headache.

It goes all the way
down to my waist.

Get it, Frank?
One of those headaches.

Something is going on
around here, Margaret.

Oh, Frank, you're
the only thing that's
going on around here.

-I saw them.
-They're not here.

-Who's not here?
-They're not,
and he's not either.

He who?

Nobody's here, Frank.
You and I are here.

And you're not even here,
officially.

Margaret,
I saw Pierce and McIntyre

fooling around with a body.

Well, you know what
perverts they are.

A dead body.
Now, that's not their job.

Now, why are they suddenly
acting like undertakers?

Well, how do
I know, Frank?

Maybe they're moonlighting.

Frank, my headache
is killing me.

What's the matter with
everyone in this camp?

The General's aide has me
giving him a pillowcase count

and a history
of urology.

Pierce and McIntyre are
acting like body snatchers.

And every time I
come in here, you--

-Ow!
-[screaming]

[grunting]

Margaret, what is this?

What is this?
What this?

Well, it's a star.

A General's star.

Oh.

Well...

Well, if it's
a General's star, then...

then-then it's
a General's star.

Frank, my headache is
leaking out of my ears.

What's a General star
doing in here?

Well, it's very
simple, Frank.

General Kelly's daughter
wants to be an army nurse

and he wanted to see
what her quarters

would look like,
so he asked if he
could come over

and look at mine.

-Well, did he?
-Did he what?

-Look at yours?
-Get out!

Take your nasty little mind
and your skinny little lips

and get out, ferret face!

Oh, great! Sir, I think
I found you a war.

-Where?
-Uh, you wanna give me
your location again, please?

Three miles
northeast of Inchon,

longitude 70,
latitude 27.

Are they drawing
heavy fire?

Uh, sir, uh, the enemy
blew up two of our bridges,

but we recaptured the hill

and there's heavy
casualties on both sides.

Great, wonderful.

Well, I guess I'll let you
get back to your fun.

Come on, your limousine
is waiting.

[giggling]

-Keep it down!
Keep it down, girls.
-Shh!

Hope this is
dry enough for you.

Can't be drier than I am.

Here's to
"Iron Guts" Kelly.

He died
with his boots on.

And his socks off.

I found a sector
that's being bombed.

-What a lucky sector.
-Where's the ambulance?

Well, it just pulled out.
We thought you took it.

I didn't take
the ambulance.

Well, I should
hope not, Colonel.

It was full of floozies.

Uh-oh.

Just what ambulance are
we talking about, Major?

Well, the one parked
in front of the V.I.P. tent.

-Oh, my--
-They won't get far, Colonel.

I called the M.P.s.
That ambulance is
going to be stopped

and everyone
inside arrested.

You can't do that.
That's restraint of trade.

Major, if it's
the last thing I do,

I'll see that you hang
by your clusters.

Well, what's
the matter with him?

Why did he jump
on me like that?

Are you blind, Frank?
The man's crazy about you.

-Right, Trap?
-What?

Oh, yeah, Frank.
You're playing it just right.

Hard to get.

You vixen.

What are you doing there?

Nothing.
I swear it.

Get me the M.P. checkpoint,
on the double.

Yes, sir.
Uh, you want me

to get you one under fire?

Radar! Radar, what in blazes
is going on tonight?

The whole camp is jumping.

-Uh, well...
-[telephone ringing]

MASH 4077th.
Colonel Blake here.

When? How?

-Wow.
-What is it?

Oh, a Korean national
on a bicycle, his family,

their furniture
and a pig made a bad turn

and sent one of our ambulances
over an embankment.

Was anyone hurt?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, they pulled
six business girls

out of the ambulance.
They're okay.

But the General's dead.
He's been killed.

General who?

-Kelly?
-Wow!

General Kelly's been killed.

You think the girls
would've broken his fall.

Well, I mean, Lord,
he was just here.

Well, what was he doing
in an ambulance?

I didn't know
he was sick.

Colonel Wortman here,
General Kelly's aide.

Now, listen carefully,
this is an order.

Take the general's body,
put it in a jeep

and drive it up
to "G" Sector.

Uh, sir, there's
no fighting there,
just diarrhea.

I'll provide
the fighting.

Get on with it.
Get me Kimpo Air Base.

-Yes, sir.
-I want a squadron of jets.

And get me the Navy for
some offshore bombardment.

Major General Robert
"Iron Guts" Kelly

is gonna perish in
a full-scale, blazing,

all-out glorious,
star-spangled-bannered death.

-Hey, guys.
-Yes, Henry?

Is he talking
about killing a General
who's already dead?

That's right, Henry.

Well, uh, isn't
that sort of crazy?

And rockets.
I want plenty of rockets.

That's for the red glare.

Here it is, Trap.
Front page,
"Stars and Stripes."

Lay it on me.

"The Pentagon announced
today the death of one

"of the U.S. Army's most
colorful figures,

"Lieutenant General
Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly,

"a man who was
loved by all."

Only one time too many.

Seems he died in battle.

"In action to the finish,
heroic to the end."

I got a bad taste
in my mouth.

I'm gonna go gargle
with a martini.

There you go, hiding
behind booze again,

afraid to face reality.

Reality is up
for grabs.

One man's reality is
another man's fantasy.

Right, you take
the reality one,

I'll take the one
with the big fantasy.

♪♪ [theme plays]