All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E03 - Officer of the Day (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,524 --> 00:00:04,308 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:50,746 --> 00:00:52,835 ♪♪ [dissonant trumpet fanfare] 3 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,218 Fire ceremonial salute. 4 00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:31,003 But, sir, the angle-- 5 00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:32,309 Fire the salute, Private! 6 00:01:34,877 --> 00:01:36,139 Yes, sir. 7 00:01:38,272 --> 00:01:39,273 [metal clanging] 8 00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,798 [mouthing] 9 00:01:42,841 --> 00:01:45,540 You! Ooh! 10 00:01:45,583 --> 00:01:48,151 What the-- What did he do? 11 00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:51,981 Corporal, a little decorum, please! 12 00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:55,767 You-you-- I'm all right. Let me down. I'm all right. 13 00:01:55,811 --> 00:01:58,030 I'm okay. 14 00:01:58,074 --> 00:01:59,728 Ooh! 15 00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:09,999 Company... 16 00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:11,870 order arms! 17 00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:17,659 The company's arms are ordered, sir. 18 00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:19,139 We're at order arms. 19 00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:26,146 Excuse me. 20 00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:29,801 Now then, during Colonel Blake's absence, 21 00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:31,412 I will act in his capacity. 22 00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:33,501 So if there are any problems, 23 00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:35,067 you may bring them to me 24 00:02:35,111 --> 00:02:37,418 or to our fine adjutant here, Major Houlihan. 25 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:40,029 Talking to the major is the same as talking to me 26 00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:42,162 since we are intimate with each other at all times. 27 00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:51,823 Company... 28 00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:53,477 inspection arms! 29 00:03:03,531 --> 00:03:04,749 [sigh] 30 00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:08,579 Uh-huh. 31 00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:16,500 -You shave today, soldier? -Yes, sir. 32 00:03:16,544 --> 00:03:18,546 Well, tomorrow try it with a blade in the razor. 33 00:03:18,589 --> 00:03:19,677 I want this man on report, Corporal. 34 00:03:19,721 --> 00:03:22,550 Uh, what's the charge, sir? 35 00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:24,073 Heavy beard in combat zone. 36 00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:35,824 [gasp] 37 00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:41,569 -Are you all right, sir? -[whimper] 38 00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:47,836 Fingernail polish? 39 00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,141 Flame d'Amour, sir. 40 00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:50,708 And earrings? 41 00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:52,144 They match the ring, sir. 42 00:03:52,188 --> 00:03:53,450 I'm a symphony in coordination. 43 00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,236 High heels? 44 00:03:58,542 --> 00:04:02,416 You're a disgrace to American man and womanhood. 45 00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:04,722 So stop bucking for a discharge while I'm in command, 46 00:04:04,766 --> 00:04:06,724 Corporal Nutsy Fagin! 47 00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,378 You're not getting out of this man's army. 48 00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:10,250 At least give me a pass, sir. 49 00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:12,556 I'd like to spend a little time with people. 50 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,036 Request denied. 51 00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:15,472 Please, sir. 52 00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:16,908 I'd like to be in Seoul for Mother's Day. 53 00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:18,649 -No! -Father's Day? 54 00:04:18,693 --> 00:04:20,956 I'll wear something tailored. 55 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,305 I said no! 56 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:23,872 Corporal, make a note. 57 00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:26,918 I want this-- this creature's dresses, 58 00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:29,878 his entire wardrobe, and all that stuff burned! 59 00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:34,317 Burned? Sir, a man has a right to his own trousseau! 60 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:37,581 Shut up! 61 00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:43,152 Now, that concludes 62 00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:45,850 our fine little retreat ceremony and inspection. 63 00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:49,114 I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed inspecting you. 64 00:04:49,158 --> 00:04:51,029 [yawn] I'm, uh, going off duty now, 65 00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:53,554 and your officer of the day will be, uh... 66 00:04:53,597 --> 00:04:54,903 Corporal, do you have-- 67 00:04:54,946 --> 00:04:57,209 I have the roster notes right here, sir. 68 00:04:57,253 --> 00:04:58,820 The officer of the day 69 00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:01,126 will be Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce. 70 00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:04,129 Captain Pierce? Good. 71 00:05:04,173 --> 00:05:06,044 Captain Pierce, step forward. 72 00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:13,400 Captain... Pierce. 73 00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:17,621 Hi, Frank. 74 00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:19,623 That doesn't scare me one bit. 75 00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,364 Is he sleeping again? 76 00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:22,887 No, Frank. 77 00:05:22,931 --> 00:05:24,367 He heard so much about rigor mortis, 78 00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,021 he thought he would try it. 79 00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,370 Wake up, Pierce! 80 00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:28,502 [groaning] 81 00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:29,981 Come on! Get up! 82 00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:32,810 Hey, Frank, lay off. He was 14 hours in O.R. 83 00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:35,552 Tough tilly. Up, up, up! 84 00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:38,033 Get lost, Frank. Go rinse out the flag. 85 00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:43,517 Trap, you're a witness. He's violating the dead. 86 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,388 Pull yourself together, Mister. 87 00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:46,563 Breakfast? 88 00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:50,045 My kidneys were expecting orange juice. 89 00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:51,873 Silly kidneys. 90 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,051 [coughing] 91 00:05:56,094 --> 00:05:58,009 Smooth. 92 00:05:58,053 --> 00:06:00,925 This morning was a very good year. 93 00:06:00,969 --> 00:06:04,059 I dreamed I was walking along the beach with my mother. 94 00:06:04,102 --> 00:06:06,888 There was this giant, bleached-out Frank Burns 95 00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:08,368 lying on the sand... 96 00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:11,719 its white belly shining in the sun. 97 00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:13,285 Pierce. 98 00:06:13,329 --> 00:06:15,940 I said, "Mommy, can I touch it?" 99 00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,638 And she said, "Be careful, son. 100 00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:19,204 The dullness rubs off." 101 00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:22,817 Very amusing. 102 00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:24,427 Pierce, you're officer of the day. 103 00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:26,429 I pass-- Give it to somebody else. 104 00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:28,170 You're it, and that's an order. 105 00:06:28,213 --> 00:06:30,172 Here's your arm band and log book. 106 00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:33,305 Here's your belt, holster, and sidearm. 107 00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:35,438 There's also a sash and sword that goes with it. 108 00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:38,485 That's in case we're attacked by the Saracens. 109 00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:40,791 Or you have to do a tall appendectomy. 110 00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:43,315 I will not carry a gun, Frank. 111 00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:45,143 When I got into this war, 112 00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:46,580 I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon. 113 00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,059 No guns. 114 00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:49,887 Hmm! 115 00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:52,107 I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, 116 00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:54,283 I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, 117 00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:56,111 carry over, carry forward, 118 00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:57,808 Cary Grant, cash and carry, 119 00:06:57,852 --> 00:06:59,723 carry me back to old Virginny-- 120 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,812 I'll even hari-kari, if you show me how, 121 00:07:01,856 --> 00:07:03,858 but I will not carry a gun! 122 00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:07,427 All right, Captain 'Fraidy Cat. 123 00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:12,475 You have your orders, Mister. 124 00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:14,434 Bye, Frank. 125 00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:17,001 That was totally uncalled for. 126 00:07:21,832 --> 00:07:23,747 Emptiest holster in the West. 127 00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:26,228 I do believe it's a new sheriff in town. 128 00:07:26,271 --> 00:07:29,013 That's right, stranger. 129 00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:30,754 And I'm gonna make everybody in this town 130 00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:32,887 do just what I want 'em to do. 131 00:07:32,930 --> 00:07:34,323 I think I'll start with the girls. 132 00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:42,331 As of 16:00 hours, sir, all secure. 133 00:07:44,028 --> 00:07:45,377 Very good, Radar. 134 00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:46,640 Your report is concise, informative, 135 00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:48,163 and makes no sense whatsoever. 136 00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:49,469 Thank you, sir. 137 00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:50,905 Any orders, sir? 138 00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:52,167 Yes, take an order. 139 00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:53,864 All the troops can go home. 140 00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:56,040 I'm declaring peace and a general amnesty. 141 00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,302 Aw, come on, Hawk. 142 00:07:57,346 --> 00:07:58,782 You're free, too. 143 00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,610 I'll give you ten bucks and a new suit later. 144 00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,394 Well, I'm gonna need your signature on this. 145 00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:04,266 I'm not signing anything. 146 00:08:04,309 --> 00:08:06,398 You're not putting the war in my name. 147 00:08:06,442 --> 00:08:08,662 For all I know, Henry didn't keep up the payments. 148 00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,403 What's this job like? 149 00:08:11,447 --> 00:08:13,318 I'm a new man here. 150 00:08:13,362 --> 00:08:15,320 I been working down in sales. 151 00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:17,845 Well, you just have to be on duty in case stuff happens-- 152 00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:19,847 inspect the place, do a bed check. 153 00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:23,503 You probably wanna handle that personally. 154 00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:25,592 [laughing] 155 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,205 You can inspect the nurses' showers. 156 00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:31,772 I didn't give you a birthday present. 157 00:08:31,815 --> 00:08:34,035 Yes, sir. [giggling] 158 00:08:34,078 --> 00:08:35,950 Privates Carter and Willis reporting, sir. 159 00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:39,562 Guard needs to be changed, sir. 160 00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:41,651 Okay, change 'em and get 'em out of here. 161 00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:43,827 Uh, sir, they need to know the password. 162 00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:45,568 I would certainly think so. 163 00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:47,135 What was it yesterday? 164 00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:49,398 Betty Boop. 165 00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:50,486 I like it. 166 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,183 An unpretentious little password, 167 00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:53,489 but it's got sex. 168 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,273 -Betty Boop. -Why get off a winner? 169 00:08:55,317 --> 00:08:57,058 Orders for the guards, sir? 170 00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:02,150 Be brave, be loyal, be true. 171 00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:04,326 And keep your white flags handy, just in case. 172 00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:06,241 Dismissed! 173 00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:08,069 Good night, guards. Sleep well. 174 00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,468 Sir. 175 00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:17,774 Sir? 176 00:09:18,949 --> 00:09:20,037 Sir. 177 00:09:20,081 --> 00:09:22,213 Go away, Radar. 178 00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:23,824 You're not 'upposed to go to sleep. 179 00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:25,303 I'm not sleeping. 180 00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:28,132 I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids. 181 00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:30,308 Business, sir. Local indigenous personnel 182 00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:31,875 requesting medical attention. 183 00:09:31,919 --> 00:09:33,050 This is his I.D. card. 184 00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:34,312 [groaning] 185 00:09:36,793 --> 00:09:38,360 "Kim Luck. 186 00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:42,886 "Age 42, 5'6", occupation: farmer." 187 00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:44,192 Hello. 188 00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:47,282 Looks like an axe wound. 189 00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:48,936 Might need a stitch or two. 190 00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:50,677 Take Mr. Luck to the hospital, and ask the duty nurse 191 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,330 to fix him up. Tetanus shot. 192 00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:54,594 This way, please. 193 00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:57,640 Harry Truman, number one G.I. Joe. 194 00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:59,337 I'll tell him you stopped by. 195 00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:01,296 [horn honking] 196 00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,820 Sounds like somebody's pulled up to our gas pumps. 197 00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:08,520 Where the hell is everybody? 198 00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:10,914 -Hit it again, Sergeant. -[honking] 199 00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,916 HAWKEYE: Knock it off, will ya? You'll wake up the war. 200 00:10:14,657 --> 00:10:16,616 Well, look who's here-- 201 00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,835 Colonel Flagg, our friendly, 202 00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:21,055 undercover, overanxious intelligence man. 203 00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:23,710 Do I know you? And don't try to deny it. 204 00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:25,450 Of course you know me. 205 00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:27,452 Olivia de Havilland. 206 00:10:27,496 --> 00:10:29,977 -Perkins. Captain Perkins. -Pierce. 207 00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,674 That's what I said-- Captain Pierce. 208 00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:33,458 Right, Perkins. 209 00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:35,025 Four, maybe five months ago, 210 00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:37,027 here on an investigation, right? 211 00:10:37,071 --> 00:10:39,421 Right, we still have one of your hidden mikes in our latrine. 212 00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:41,815 We thought we'd make an album for you. 213 00:10:41,858 --> 00:10:43,643 I got a wounded gook here. 214 00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:48,473 You got a wounded person here. 215 00:10:48,517 --> 00:10:50,519 Who wounded him? 216 00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:53,174 I did. 217 00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,828 Somehow that figured. 218 00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:59,093 He's in shock. You do nice work. 219 00:10:59,136 --> 00:11:01,269 Stretcher case, on the double. 220 00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:04,098 He's a civilian. 221 00:11:04,141 --> 00:11:05,534 He's North Korean Army. 222 00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:07,318 Caught him near an ammo dump. 223 00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:08,711 Taking him to Seoul. 224 00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:10,713 If he's still breathing, you are. 225 00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:12,628 We stopped on the road and he ran. 226 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,021 I put a couple into him. 227 00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:15,587 Of course you did. How could you resist? 228 00:11:15,631 --> 00:11:16,937 Patch him up fast, Doc. 229 00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:19,809 Prep him for surgery. 230 00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:21,158 Start him on plasma, stat. 231 00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,204 About a two-inch cuff on the pants. 232 00:11:23,247 --> 00:11:25,641 Will be just as you like it, Captain. 233 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,338 Plenty of room in the seat. 234 00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:29,210 -Hey, Hawk. -His brains have to breathe. 235 00:11:29,253 --> 00:11:31,255 This is Mr. Yu, the tailor. Captain Pierce. 236 00:11:31,299 --> 00:11:33,518 -Honored, sir. -Honored. 237 00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:35,738 May your needle be true and your fly's always straight. 238 00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:38,741 Two pair of pants and a vest, 12 bucks. 239 00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:40,395 Yeah, there's nothing wrong 240 00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:41,701 with a single-breasted Kleenex. 241 00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:44,965 Oh, that should bag up nicely. 242 00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:46,749 I need you. Flagg is here. 243 00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:48,969 -Army Intelligence. -That's a contradiction in terms. 244 00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:54,539 He's got a wounded North Korean prisoner, 245 00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:55,976 prepped and ready. 246 00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:58,195 Hawk, I'm with my tailor. Get Frank. 247 00:11:58,239 --> 00:12:01,895 Frank is off duty, which helps keep down the mortality rate. 248 00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:03,505 Hold it. 249 00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,376 Those are Mr. Yu's boys. 250 00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:06,943 Marshall and Elroy. 251 00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:08,771 I know these two claw machines. 252 00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:10,120 They were here a couple of months ago. 253 00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:11,687 They stole a 20-pound ham. 254 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,689 They didn't. 255 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,126 And the refrigerator it was stored in. 256 00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:17,432 Those two kids? 257 00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:19,173 Their pictures are in the post office 258 00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:20,391 in the juvenile section. 259 00:12:20,435 --> 00:12:21,610 All right, unload, men. 260 00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:23,003 Unpocket yourselves. Come on. 261 00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:29,618 Are you their real father or did they steal you? 262 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,188 The pinstripe. I'll take it. 263 00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:55,862 Sister Klinger? 264 00:12:55,905 --> 00:12:57,341 Pressing a little, aren't we? 265 00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:58,908 Sir, I caught him trying to sneak out of camp. 266 00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:00,823 I was just out for a walk. 267 00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:02,651 Looking for an all-night novena? 268 00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:04,609 I just wanted to get to Seoul for a few days, sir. 269 00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:06,481 What are you trying to do to me, Klinger? 270 00:13:06,524 --> 00:13:07,830 I'm officer of the day. 271 00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:10,093 You go AWOL, they hang it on me. 272 00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:11,660 Sorry, sir. 273 00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:13,314 "While officer of the day, Captain Pierce 274 00:13:13,357 --> 00:13:15,838 did allow hairy nun to desert." 275 00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:17,579 How'd you like that on your record? 276 00:13:17,622 --> 00:13:18,841 Sir, I wouldn't care 277 00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:20,103 if my record said I was a bedbug. 278 00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:25,500 Slip into something secular... and stay put. 279 00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:27,154 If I don't get some time off, 280 00:13:27,197 --> 00:13:29,417 I'm gonna stick my nose into a chopper blade. 281 00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:31,245 When the colonel comes back, 282 00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:32,768 I'll ask him about a pass for you. 283 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,683 Bless you, sir. 284 00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,424 Klinger? 285 00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:37,991 Love your beads. 286 00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:46,738 Any calls for me while I was in? 287 00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:48,828 Somebody said we could have this. 288 00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:50,394 Oh, really? Somebody? 289 00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:53,571 You kids are gonna have to stop stealing. 290 00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,443 Why don't you go to bars and roll an officer 291 00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:56,879 like other children? 292 00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,315 Go on. Come on. 293 00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:02,450 What's up, Radar? 294 00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:04,278 Well, indigenous personnels again, sir, 295 00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:05,670 requesting medical attention. 296 00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:07,977 That's his, uh, I.D. card. 297 00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:09,718 What, did we advertise a weekend special? 298 00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:14,070 Kim Luck? 299 00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:15,637 That's the second one we had today. 300 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,074 That's the way it runs sometimes, sir. 301 00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:19,728 Can you identify yourself? 302 00:14:19,771 --> 00:14:21,338 This is me. 303 00:14:23,123 --> 00:14:24,472 Well, I guess you wouldn't kid me 304 00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:25,560 about a thing like that. 305 00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:26,778 Bring him to the hospital. 306 00:14:26,822 --> 00:14:28,171 Yes, sir. 307 00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:30,173 This must be our Kim Lucky day. 308 00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:31,609 This way. 309 00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:39,095 I don't like people kibitzing when I operate. 310 00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:41,445 -I didn't ask you. -That's why I'm answering. 311 00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:43,883 Just do your job, I'll do mine, Mister. 312 00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:46,059 You're not gonna get anywhere being a softie. 313 00:14:46,102 --> 00:14:47,364 What's he gowning up for? 314 00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:49,236 Says he has to watch. 315 00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:50,846 We'll let you know if we find any microfilm 316 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,108 in the kid's bladder. 317 00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:54,371 I'm only gonna say this once. 318 00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:55,633 That's my prisoner in there. 319 00:14:55,677 --> 00:14:57,461 Where he goes, I go. You read me? 320 00:14:57,505 --> 00:14:58,941 Like a cheap novel. 321 00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:00,334 Just stitch him up. 322 00:15:00,377 --> 00:15:02,727 I want him put together and put together fast. 323 00:15:02,771 --> 00:15:04,338 TRAPPER: Your concern is touching. 324 00:15:04,381 --> 00:15:05,687 I have to get to Seoul 325 00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:07,167 so we can execute him over the weekend. 326 00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:11,258 Save the kid's life 327 00:15:11,301 --> 00:15:12,607 so you can take it away from him? 328 00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:14,304 You got it. 329 00:15:15,392 --> 00:15:16,393 Nice. 330 00:15:16,437 --> 00:15:17,438 Beautiful. 331 00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:18,787 War. 332 00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:20,049 Stinks. 333 00:15:26,795 --> 00:15:28,971 Will you believe me? You got the wrong number. 334 00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:31,365 -[knock on door] -One second. 335 00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:33,193 I can't give you an infantry charge. 336 00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:34,716 We're only doctors. 337 00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:36,109 The best we can do is storm the enemy 338 00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:37,893 and take their tonsils out. 339 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:38,938 Come. 340 00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:50,558 How did he try it this time? 341 00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:52,255 Pretending to be a business girl. 342 00:15:53,778 --> 00:15:55,084 Klinger. 343 00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:57,304 Klinger, where did your mother and I go wrong? 344 00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:01,786 FLAGG: How's he doing? 345 00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,310 What's the matter? 346 00:16:03,353 --> 00:16:05,616 Afraid he'll die and ruin your weekend? 347 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,140 Forceps. 348 00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:08,576 Forceps. 349 00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:14,277 One of your slugs for your charm bracelet. 350 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,019 All right. Saline for irrigation. 351 00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:18,194 Come on. 352 00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:19,326 Saline. 353 00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:32,556 I was just checking for centipedes. 354 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,819 Just look for a lot of little house slippers. 355 00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:49,095 Sir, do you mind if we close those doors? 356 00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:51,010 Don't be antisocial, Radar. 357 00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:01,150 Good night. 358 00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,328 He belonged to my brother. 359 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,985 And he left it to you when he went off to war? 360 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,379 No, he was 4F. 361 00:17:12,422 --> 00:17:15,730 He was a box boy in a supermarket. 362 00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:18,167 Well, they also serve who stand and stuff. 363 00:17:28,656 --> 00:17:30,614 Would you mind turning your head, please? 364 00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:32,312 Radar, I'm a doctor. 365 00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:35,489 I've seen more behinds than you'll ever have. 366 00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:37,491 Gee, I don't think it's too much to ask 367 00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:40,189 for one guy to ask another guy to turn his head. 368 00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:42,583 Your modesty is almost indecent. 369 00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,802 Well, if you're a doctor like you say, 370 00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:47,762 then you don't need to see any more than you've seen. 371 00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:49,198 Go ahead, get sore. 372 00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:50,678 I love it when those little wisps of steam 373 00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:51,940 come out of your tiny ears. 374 00:18:00,992 --> 00:18:02,907 Sir? 375 00:18:02,951 --> 00:18:04,779 There's a lady out there. 376 00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:12,874 Yes, ma'am? 377 00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:16,182 Number one pain here. 378 00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:18,445 Boy, this card's getting a workout today. Radar? 379 00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:20,621 -Sir? -We're being Kim Lucked again. 380 00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:22,710 Would you take this lady inside, please? 381 00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:25,539 Yes, sir. Come. 382 00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:27,758 TRAPPER: Move him? In that condition? 383 00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:32,067 Are you out of your sado-masochistic mind, sir? 384 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,590 Okay. When? 385 00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:35,679 Well, that's hard to say, very hard. 386 00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:38,073 Dr. Pierce here has had a lot of experience 387 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,510 in moving patients that are about to be executed. 388 00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:42,164 It was my postgraduate specialty-- 389 00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,819 Blindfold and Last Cigarette 102. 390 00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:47,038 All right. Sign him out, put him on a stretcher. 391 00:18:47,082 --> 00:18:49,171 I'll take the responsibility. 392 00:18:49,215 --> 00:18:51,304 Uh, we'll have to confer on that. 393 00:18:51,347 --> 00:18:52,914 Yeah, we'll only be a minute. 394 00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:54,829 Amuse yourself. 395 00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:56,787 Take some fingerprints, break somebody on the rack. 396 00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:00,574 I'd like to fix him a ground glass burger. 397 00:19:00,617 --> 00:19:02,271 We are not going to let him take 398 00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:03,968 that 16-year-old kid down to Seoul 399 00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:05,231 and put him against the wall. 400 00:19:05,274 --> 00:19:06,536 I'm with you, Rocky. 401 00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:09,191 -Stall? -Big. Big stall. 402 00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:12,499 Uh, Colonel, there's a medical consideration 403 00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:14,805 which supersedes the military. 404 00:19:14,849 --> 00:19:16,503 That man is still unconscious. 405 00:19:16,546 --> 00:19:18,200 We can't release him in that condition. 406 00:19:18,244 --> 00:19:19,810 He could sleep through the whole execution. 407 00:19:19,854 --> 00:19:20,855 That wouldn't be any fun, would it? 408 00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:24,554 I want to talk to your commanding officer. 409 00:19:24,598 --> 00:19:26,208 You gonna execute him instead? 410 00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:27,949 Tough luck. He's down in Tokyo 411 00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,646 attending a series of medical conferences. 412 00:19:29,690 --> 00:19:32,519 And dodging hotel dicks. 413 00:19:32,562 --> 00:19:34,738 Where can I reach him? 414 00:19:34,782 --> 00:19:37,001 You could try Madame Chang's Whoopee Parlor. 415 00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:39,874 Or the Pachinko Palace. He's in the semifinals. 416 00:19:39,917 --> 00:19:43,007 Couple of cutie pies, ain't you? 417 00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:44,139 Thank you. 418 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,054 Who's your second in command? 419 00:19:46,097 --> 00:19:48,099 Uh, Major Frank Burns, M.D. 420 00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:49,753 Manic-depressive. It's an honorary title. 421 00:19:49,797 --> 00:19:51,407 He's also schizoid. 422 00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:53,931 Sleeps in two bunks. 423 00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:58,806 You clowns are pushing me around pretty good, 424 00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,416 cooperation-wise. 425 00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:02,984 Not to mention wise-guy-wise. 426 00:20:03,027 --> 00:20:05,987 If I lay a charge of obstructing military justice 427 00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:08,598 on you, you're gonna have a snootful of trouble. 428 00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:10,600 What could they do? Send us to the front? 429 00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:12,211 We're at the front. 430 00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,300 Maybe they'll put us in front of the front. 431 00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:17,912 Hawkeye, can I see you? Uh, sir, it's important. 432 00:20:17,955 --> 00:20:19,957 What's wrong, Radar? 433 00:20:20,001 --> 00:20:22,525 Your slight but sturdy body is all atremble. 434 00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:24,875 Well, you know who-- I mean, what I sleep with? 435 00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:26,877 Yeah, yeah. 436 00:20:26,921 --> 00:20:29,010 Well, it's gone. I've looked everywhere. 437 00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:30,925 Sir, you gotta help me find it. 438 00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:32,318 Have no fear, Radar. 439 00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:33,667 We'll look in every tent. 440 00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:35,669 We'll conduct a louse-to-louse search. 441 00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:36,931 FLAGG: Hold it! 442 00:20:38,498 --> 00:20:40,369 You gonna sign out my prisoner? 443 00:20:40,413 --> 00:20:43,372 Colonel, I have a more important problem on my hands. 444 00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,461 One of our teddy bears is missing. 445 00:20:47,681 --> 00:20:49,291 Look, boys, I didn't mind 446 00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,250 when you tried to steal the telephone. 447 00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:53,077 And actually I was rather pleased 448 00:20:53,121 --> 00:20:56,255 when you tried to make off with 100 pounds of saltpeter. 449 00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,648 But this is going too far. Now where is it? 450 00:21:02,217 --> 00:21:03,566 [German accent] You're being foolish. 451 00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:05,786 We have ways of making you talk. 452 00:21:05,829 --> 00:21:08,049 Pierce, I want a word with you! 453 00:21:08,092 --> 00:21:09,659 Radar, take 'em downtown and book 'em. 454 00:21:09,703 --> 00:21:11,748 Oh, yes, sir. Come on! 455 00:21:11,792 --> 00:21:14,142 Captain Pierce, Major Burns would like to talk to you 456 00:21:14,185 --> 00:21:15,752 as acting commander. 457 00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:17,232 Good, I'll act like I'm listening. 458 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,799 He went and got 'em, Hawk. 459 00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:20,496 I bet he found 'em double-parked 460 00:21:20,540 --> 00:21:21,715 in an erogenous zone. 461 00:21:21,758 --> 00:21:24,152 Oh! What a mouth! 462 00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:27,024 Just you never mind where we were, Nosey Nate! 463 00:21:27,068 --> 00:21:28,199 [mouthing] 464 00:21:28,243 --> 00:21:29,505 Captain Pierce, 465 00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:31,290 Major Burns, Acting Commander, 466 00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,727 and I, his adjutant, have been informed 467 00:21:33,770 --> 00:21:36,599 that you and Captain McIntyre refuse to release 468 00:21:36,643 --> 00:21:37,992 Colonel Flagg's prisoner. 469 00:21:38,035 --> 00:21:40,255 Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, 470 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,517 having taken a tramp in the woods, 471 00:21:41,561 --> 00:21:44,303 is lying in a ditch at the edge of town. 472 00:21:44,346 --> 00:21:46,522 A dozen medical units, 473 00:21:46,566 --> 00:21:49,133 I have to pull in to a funny farm. 474 00:21:49,177 --> 00:21:50,831 Your kid's too sick to travel. 475 00:21:50,874 --> 00:21:52,441 He could die between here and Seoul. 476 00:21:52,485 --> 00:21:53,964 I'll take that chance. 477 00:21:54,008 --> 00:21:56,140 -Oh, he'll take that chance. -Nice. 478 00:21:56,184 --> 00:21:58,578 Colonel Flagg's prisoner is a spy! 479 00:21:58,621 --> 00:22:00,623 You have no right to interfere! 480 00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:02,843 While we're on spies, ask the major about 481 00:22:02,886 --> 00:22:05,106 the secret pocket in her garter belt. 482 00:22:07,282 --> 00:22:10,459 If I didn't hate violence, I'd kick you. 483 00:22:10,503 --> 00:22:12,722 Would you? With high heels? 484 00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:15,899 Get off the pot, Major. Lean on 'em. 485 00:22:15,943 --> 00:22:18,337 Yes. Right. 486 00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:20,208 All right. 487 00:22:20,251 --> 00:22:23,342 Now hear this! I order you to sign. 488 00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:24,995 Sorry, we can't take any new orders 489 00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:27,171 till after Christmas. 490 00:22:27,215 --> 00:22:30,479 You can't disobey him! He's a major! 491 00:22:30,523 --> 00:22:32,220 Oh, uh, just a minute. Just a minute. 492 00:22:32,263 --> 00:22:34,004 He's only got two clusters. 493 00:22:34,048 --> 00:22:35,876 Between us two captains, we've got eight bars. 494 00:22:35,919 --> 00:22:38,531 We outrank you by half a chorus. 495 00:22:38,574 --> 00:22:40,881 Major Burns, I just thought of something. 496 00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:42,665 Besides being acting commander, 497 00:22:42,709 --> 00:22:44,406 you are also a doctor. 498 00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,930 Hey, that's right. Frank's a doctor. 499 00:22:46,974 --> 00:22:48,410 How about that, Hawk? 500 00:22:48,454 --> 00:22:50,151 Your secret is safe with us, you son of a gun. 501 00:22:50,194 --> 00:22:52,414 Certainly your patients will never know. 502 00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:53,894 You can release the prisoner. 503 00:22:53,937 --> 00:22:56,244 I can? Oh, I can. 504 00:22:56,287 --> 00:22:57,724 Except that I can't. 505 00:22:57,767 --> 00:22:59,552 Now, this requires two doctors' signatures. 506 00:22:59,595 --> 00:23:01,510 -Oh, no, forget it. -Two. 507 00:23:01,554 --> 00:23:03,251 Right! 508 00:23:03,294 --> 00:23:05,906 I have had it with you fruitcakes! 509 00:23:08,125 --> 00:23:10,432 Now, that's my boy in that hospital. 510 00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:14,088 I caught him, and he's mine. 511 00:23:14,131 --> 00:23:15,916 I'm taking him to Seoul. 512 00:23:24,054 --> 00:23:26,796 Okay, you got your body, Flagg. 513 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,537 It's your war, not mine. 514 00:23:41,028 --> 00:23:42,377 This'll teach you eggheads 515 00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:44,814 not to screw around with intelligence. 516 00:23:44,858 --> 00:23:46,381 Corpsmen! 517 00:24:09,535 --> 00:24:11,319 I promised him a trip to Seoul. 518 00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:30,904 The North Korean prisoner suspected of espionage 519 00:24:30,947 --> 00:24:32,819 recovering satisfactorily. 520 00:24:32,862 --> 00:24:34,690 Will be turned over to military intelligence 521 00:24:34,734 --> 00:24:36,083 as soon as somebody can be found 522 00:24:36,126 --> 00:24:37,127 with military intelligence. 523 00:24:39,086 --> 00:24:40,522 Paragraph. 524 00:24:42,176 --> 00:24:44,395 Examined, diagnosed, and treated 525 00:24:44,439 --> 00:24:46,833 a total of five Kim Lucks, a new Kim Luck record 526 00:24:46,876 --> 00:24:48,530 I hope will stand for a long time. 527 00:24:50,184 --> 00:24:52,316 Paragraph. 528 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:55,232 Property of Corporal O'Reilly returned. 529 00:24:55,276 --> 00:24:58,105 Father and teddy bear doing nicely. 530 00:24:59,672 --> 00:25:02,413 I guess that's about it, Radar. 531 00:25:02,457 --> 00:25:05,460 Hey, you guys wanna see the pinstripe suit of all time? 532 00:25:05,504 --> 00:25:07,244 Yeah. 533 00:25:07,288 --> 00:25:09,420 [laughter] 534 00:25:14,164 --> 00:25:15,688 HAWKEYE: He's a great tailor, 535 00:25:15,731 --> 00:25:17,516 but with a lousy sense of direction. 536 00:25:20,257 --> 00:25:21,432 Hey! 537 00:25:36,665 --> 00:25:39,842 ♪♪ [theme] 37385

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