All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E03 - Officer of the Day (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [dissonant trumpet fanfare]

Fire ceremonial salute.

But, sir, the angle--

Fire the salute, Private!

Yes, sir.

[metal clanging]

[mouthing]

You! Ooh!

What the--
What did he do?

Corporal, a little
decorum, please!

You-you-- I'm all right.
Let me down. I'm all right.

I'm okay.

Ooh!

Company...

order arms!

The company's arms
are ordered, sir.

We're at order arms.

Excuse me.

Now then, during
Colonel Blake's absence,

I will act
in his capacity.

So if there are
any problems,

you may
bring them to me

or to our fine adjutant here,
Major Houlihan.

Talking to the major is
the same as talking to me

since we are intimate with
each other at all times.

Company...

inspection arms!

[sigh]

Uh-huh.

-You shave today, soldier?
-Yes, sir.

Well, tomorrow try it
with a blade in the razor.

I want this man
on report, Corporal.

Uh, what's
the charge, sir?

Heavy beard
in combat zone.

[gasp]

-Are you all right, sir?
-[whimper]

Fingernail polish?

Flame d'Amour, sir.

And earrings?

They match the ring, sir.

I'm a symphony
in coordination.

High heels?

You're a disgrace to
American man and womanhood.

So stop bucking for a discharge
while I'm in command,

Corporal Nutsy Fagin!

You're not getting
out of this man's army.

At least give me a pass, sir.

I'd like to spend
a little time with people.

Request denied.

Please, sir.

I'd like to be in Seoul
for Mother's Day.

-No!
-Father's Day?

I'll wear something tailored.

I said no!

Corporal, make a note.

I want this--
this creature's dresses,

his entire wardrobe,
and all that stuff burned!

Burned? Sir, a man has a right
to his own trousseau!

Shut up!

Now, that concludes

our fine little retreat
ceremony and inspection.

I hope you've enjoyed it
as much as I've enjoyed
inspecting you.

[yawn] I'm, uh,
going off duty now,

and your officer
of the day will be, uh...

Corporal, do you have--

I have the roster notes
right here, sir.

The officer of the day

will be Captain Benjamin
Franklin Pierce.

Captain Pierce? Good.

Captain Pierce,
step forward.

Captain... Pierce.

Hi, Frank.

That doesn't
scare me one bit.

Is he sleeping again?

No, Frank.

He heard so much
about rigor mortis,

he thought
he would try it.

Wake up, Pierce!

[groaning]

Come on!
Get up!

Hey, Frank, lay off.
He was 14 hours in O.R.

Tough tilly. Up, up, up!

Get lost, Frank.
Go rinse out the flag.

Trap, you're a witness.
He's violating the dead.

Pull yourself
together, Mister.

Breakfast?

My kidneys were
expecting orange juice.

Silly kidneys.

[coughing]

Smooth.

This morning was
a very good year.

I dreamed I was walking along
the beach with my mother.

There was this giant,
bleached-out Frank Burns

lying on the sand...

its white belly
shining in the sun.

Pierce.

I said, "Mommy,
can I touch it?"

And she said,
"Be careful, son.

The dullness rubs off."

Very amusing.

Pierce, you're officer
of the day.

I pass-- Give it
to somebody else.

You're it,
and that's an order.

Here's your arm band
and log book.

Here's your belt,
holster, and sidearm.

There's also a sash
and sword that goes with it.

That's in case we're
attacked by the Saracens.

Or you have to do
a tall appendectomy.

I will not carry
a gun, Frank.

When I got into this war,

I had a very
clear understanding
with the Pentagon.

No guns.

Hmm!

I'll carry your books,
I'll carry a torch,

I'll carry a tune,
I'll carry on,

carry over, carry forward,

Cary Grant,
cash and carry,

carry me back
to old Virginny--

I'll even hari-kari,
if you show me how,

but I will not carry a gun!

All right,
Captain 'Fraidy Cat.

You have your orders, Mister.

Bye, Frank.

That was totally
uncalled for.

Emptiest holster
in the West.

I do believe it's
a new sheriff in town.

That's right, stranger.

And I'm gonna make
everybody in this town

do just what I want
'em to do.

I think I'll start
with the girls.

As of 16:00 hours,
sir, all secure.

Very good, Radar.

Your report is concise,
informative,

and makes
no sense whatsoever.

Thank you, sir.

Any orders, sir?

Yes, take an order.

All the troops can go home.

I'm declaring peace
and a general amnesty.

Aw, come on, Hawk.

You're free, too.

I'll give you ten bucks
and a new suit later.

Well, I'm gonna need
your signature on this.

I'm not signing anything.

You're not putting
the war in my name.

For all I know, Henry didn't
keep up the payments.

What's this job like?

I'm a new man here.

I been working
down in sales.

Well, you just have
to be on duty in case
stuff happens--

inspect the place,
do a bed check.

You probably wanna
handle that personally.

[laughing]

You can inspect
the nurses' showers.

I didn't give you
a birthday present.

Yes, sir. [giggling]

Privates Carter and Willis
reporting, sir.

Guard needs to
be changed, sir.

Okay, change 'em
and get 'em out of here.

Uh, sir, they need
to know the password.

I would certainly
think so.

What was it yesterday?

Betty Boop.

I like it.

An unpretentious
little password,

but it's got sex.

-Betty Boop.
-Why get off a winner?

Orders for
the guards, sir?

Be brave, be loyal, be true.

And keep your white flags
handy, just in case.

Dismissed!

Good night, guards.
Sleep well.

Sir.

Sir?

Sir.

Go away, Radar.

You're not 'upposed
to go to sleep.

I'm not sleeping.

I'm inspecting the inside
of my eyelids.

Business, sir. Local
indigenous personnel

requesting medical attention.

This is his I.D. card.

[groaning]

"Kim Luck.

"Age 42, 5'6",
occupation: farmer."

Hello.

Looks like an axe wound.

Might need
a stitch or two.

Take Mr. Luck to the hospital,
and ask the duty nurse

to fix him up.
Tetanus shot.

This way, please.

Harry Truman,
number one G.I. Joe.

I'll tell him
you stopped by.

[horn honking]

Sounds like somebody's
pulled up to our gas pumps.

Where the hell
is everybody?

-Hit it again, Sergeant.
-[honking]

HAWKEYE: Knock it off, will ya?
You'll wake up the war.

Well, look who's here--

Colonel Flagg,
our friendly,

undercover, overanxious
intelligence man.

Do I know you?
And don't try to deny it.

Of course you know me.

Olivia de Havilland.

-Perkins. Captain Perkins.
-Pierce.

That's what I said--
Captain Pierce.

Right, Perkins.

Four, maybe five months ago,

here on an investigation,
right?

Right, we still have
one of your hidden
mikes in our latrine.

We thought we'd make
an album for you.

I got a wounded gook here.

You got a wounded
person here.

Who wounded him?

I did.

Somehow that figured.

He's in shock.
You do nice work.

Stretcher case,
on the double.

He's a civilian.

He's North Korean Army.

Caught him near
an ammo dump.

Taking him to Seoul.

If he's still
breathing, you are.

We stopped on the road
and he ran.

I put a couple into him.

Of course you did.
How could you resist?

Patch him up fast, Doc.

Prep him for surgery.

Start him on plasma, stat.

About a two-inch
cuff on the pants.

Will be just as you
like it, Captain.

Plenty of room
in the seat.

-Hey, Hawk.
-His brains have to breathe.

This is Mr. Yu, the tailor.
Captain Pierce.

-Honored, sir.
-Honored.

May your needle be
true and your fly's
always straight.

Two pair of pants
and a vest, 12 bucks.

Yeah, there's
nothing wrong

with a single-breasted
Kleenex.

Oh, that should
bag up nicely.

I need you.
Flagg is here.

-Army Intelligence.
-That's a contradiction
in terms.

He's got a wounded
North Korean prisoner,

prepped and ready.

Hawk, I'm with my tailor.
Get Frank.

Frank is off duty,
which helps keep down
the mortality rate.

Hold it.

Those are Mr. Yu's boys.

Marshall and Elroy.

I know these two
claw machines.

They were here a couple
of months ago.

They stole
a 20-pound ham.

They didn't.

And the refrigerator
it was stored in.

Those two kids?

Their pictures are
in the post office

in the juvenile section.

All right, unload, men.

Unpocket yourselves.
Come on.

Are you their real father
or did they steal you?

The pinstripe. I'll take it.

Sister Klinger?

Pressing a little,
aren't we?

Sir, I caught him trying
to sneak out of camp.

I was just out for a walk.

Looking for
an all-night novena?

I just wanted to get to
Seoul for a few days, sir.

What are you trying
to do to me, Klinger?

I'm officer of the day.

You go AWOL,
they hang it on me.

Sorry, sir.

"While officer of the day,
Captain Pierce

did allow hairy nun
to desert."

How'd you like that
on your record?

Sir, I wouldn't care

if my record said
I was a bedbug.

Slip into something
secular... and stay put.

If I don't get
some time off,

I'm gonna stick my nose
into a chopper blade.

When the colonel
comes back,

I'll ask him about
a pass for you.

Bless you, sir.

Klinger?

Love your beads.

Any calls for me
while I was in?

Somebody said
we could have this.

Oh, really? Somebody?

You kids are gonna
have to stop stealing.

Why don't you go to bars
and roll an officer

like other children?

Go on. Come on.

What's up, Radar?

Well, indigenous
personnels again, sir,

requesting
medical attention.

That's his,
uh, I.D. card.

What, did we advertise
a weekend special?

Kim Luck?

That's the second
one we had today.

That's the way it
runs sometimes, sir.

Can you identify yourself?

This is me.

Well, I guess
you wouldn't kid me

about a thing like that.

Bring him to the hospital.

Yes, sir.

This must be
our Kim Lucky day.

This way.

I don't like people
kibitzing when I operate.

-I didn't ask you.
-That's why I'm answering.

Just do your job,
I'll do mine, Mister.

You're not gonna get
anywhere being a softie.

What's he gowning up for?

Says he has to watch.

We'll let you know
if we find any microfilm

in the kid's bladder.

I'm only gonna say this once.

That's my prisoner in there.

Where he goes, I go.
You read me?

Like a cheap novel.

Just stitch him up.

I want him put together
and put together fast.

TRAPPER:
Your concern is touching.

I have to get to Seoul

so we can execute him
over the weekend.

Save the kid's life

so you can take it
away from him?

You got it.

Nice.

Beautiful.

War.

Stinks.

Will you believe me?
You got the wrong number.

-[knock on door]
-One second.

I can't give you
an infantry charge.

We're only doctors.

The best we can do
is storm the enemy

and take their tonsils out.

Come.

How did he try it this time?

Pretending to be
a business girl.

Klinger.

Klinger, where did your
mother and I go wrong?

FLAGG:
How's he doing?

What's the matter?

Afraid he'll die
and ruin your weekend?

Forceps.

Forceps.

One of your slugs
for your charm bracelet.

All right.
Saline for irrigation.

Come on.

Saline.

I was just checking
for centipedes.

Just look for a lot
of little house slippers.

Sir, do you mind if we
close those doors?

Don't be antisocial, Radar.

Good night.

He belonged to my brother.

And he left it to you
when he went off to war?

No, he was 4F.

He was a box boy
in a supermarket.

Well, they also serve
who stand and stuff.

Would you mind turning
your head, please?

Radar, I'm a doctor.

I've seen more behinds
than you'll ever have.

Gee, I don't think
it's too much to ask

for one guy to ask another
guy to turn his head.

Your modesty is
almost indecent.

Well, if you're a doctor
like you say,

then you don't need to see
any more than you've seen.

Go ahead, get sore.

I love it when those
little wisps of steam

come out of your tiny ears.

Sir?

There's a lady out there.

Yes, ma'am?

Number one pain here.

Boy, this card's getting
a workout today. Radar?

-Sir?
-We're being Kim Lucked again.

Would you take this
lady inside, please?

Yes, sir. Come.

TRAPPER: Move him?
In that condition?

Are you out of your
sado-masochistic mind, sir?

Okay. When?

Well, that's hard
to say, very hard.

Dr. Pierce here has had
a lot of experience

in moving patients that
are about to be executed.

It was my postgraduate
specialty--

Blindfold
and Last Cigarette 102.

All right. Sign him out,
put him on a stretcher.

I'll take
the responsibility.

Uh, we'll have
to confer on that.

Yeah, we'll only
be a minute.

Amuse yourself.

Take some fingerprints,
break somebody on the rack.

I'd like to fix him
a ground glass burger.

We are not going
to let him take

that 16-year-old kid
down to Seoul

and put him
against the wall.

I'm with you, Rocky.

-Stall?
-Big. Big stall.

Uh, Colonel, there's
a medical consideration

which supersedes
the military.

That man is
still unconscious.

We can't release him
in that condition.

He could sleep through
the whole execution.

That wouldn't be
any fun, would it?

I want to talk to
your commanding officer.

You gonna execute
him instead?

Tough luck.
He's down in Tokyo

attending a series
of medical conferences.

And dodging hotel dicks.

Where can I reach him?

You could try Madame Chang's
Whoopee Parlor.

Or the Pachinko Palace.
He's in the semifinals.

Couple of cutie pies,
ain't you?

Thank you.

Who's your second in command?

Uh, Major Frank Burns,
M.D.

Manic-depressive.
It's an honorary title.

He's also schizoid.

Sleeps in two bunks.

You clowns are pushing me
around pretty good,

cooperation-wise.

Not to mention
wise-guy-wise.

If I lay a charge of
obstructing military justice

on you, you're gonna have
a snootful of trouble.

What could they do?
Send us to the front?

We're at the front.

Maybe they'll put us
in front of the front.

Hawkeye, can I see you?
Uh, sir, it's important.

What's wrong, Radar?

Your slight but sturdy body
is all atremble.

Well, you know who--
I mean, what I sleep with?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's gone.
I've looked everywhere.

Sir, you gotta
help me find it.

Have no fear, Radar.

We'll look in every tent.

We'll conduct
a louse-to-louse search.

FLAGG: Hold it!

You gonna sign out
my prisoner?

Colonel, I have a more
important problem on my hands.

One of our teddy bears
is missing.

Look, boys, I didn't mind

when you tried
to steal the telephone.

And actually
I was rather pleased

when you tried to make off
with 100 pounds of saltpeter.

But this is going too far. Now
where is it?

[German accent]
You're being foolish.

We have ways
of making you talk.

Pierce, I want
a word with you!

Radar, take 'em
downtown and book 'em.

Oh, yes, sir. Come on!

Captain Pierce, Major Burns
would like to talk to you

as acting commander.

Good, I'll act like
I'm listening.

He went
and got 'em, Hawk.

I bet he found 'em
double-parked

in an erogenous zone.

Oh! What a mouth!

Just you never mind
where we were, Nosey Nate!

[mouthing]

Captain Pierce,

Major Burns,
Acting Commander,

and I, his adjutant,
have been informed

that you and Captain McIntyre
refuse to release

Colonel Flagg's prisoner.

Meanwhile, Aunt Martha,

having taken a tramp
in the woods,

is lying in a ditch
at the edge of town.

A dozen medical units,

I have to pull in
to a funny farm.

Your kid's
too sick to travel.

He could die between
here and Seoul.

I'll take that chance.

-Oh, he'll take that chance.
-Nice.

Colonel Flagg's
prisoner is a spy!

You have no right
to interfere!

While we're on spies,
ask the major about

the secret pocket
in her garter belt.

If I didn't hate violence,
I'd kick you.

Would you?
With high heels?

Get off the pot, Major.
Lean on 'em.

Yes. Right.

All right.

Now hear this!
I order you to sign.

Sorry, we can't take
any new orders

till after Christmas.

You can't disobey him!
He's a major!

Oh, uh, just a minute.
Just a minute.

He's only got
two clusters.

Between us two captains,
we've got eight bars.

We outrank you
by half a chorus.

Major Burns, I just
thought of something.

Besides being
acting commander,

you are also a doctor.

Hey, that's right.
Frank's a doctor.

How about that, Hawk?

Your secret is safe
with us, you son of a gun.

Certainly your patients
will never know.

You can release
the prisoner.

I can? Oh, I can.

Except that I can't.

Now, this requires
two doctors' signatures.

-Oh, no, forget it.
-Two.

Right!

I have had it
with you fruitcakes!

Now, that's my boy
in that hospital.

I caught him, and he's mine.

I'm taking him to Seoul.

Okay, you got
your body, Flagg.

It's your war, not mine.

This'll teach you eggheads

not to screw around
with intelligence.

Corpsmen!

I promised him
a trip to Seoul.

The North Korean prisoner
suspected of espionage

recovering satisfactorily.

Will be turned over
to military intelligence

as soon as somebody
can be found

with military intelligence.

Paragraph.

Examined, diagnosed,
and treated

a total of five Kim Lucks,
a new Kim Luck record

I hope will stand
for a long time.

Paragraph.

Property of Corporal
O'Reilly returned.

Father and teddy bear
doing nicely.

I guess that's
about it, Radar.

Hey, you guys wanna
see the pinstripe suit
of all time?

Yeah.

[laughter]

HAWKEYE:
He's a great tailor,

but with a lousy
sense of direction.

Hey!

♪♪ [theme]