All language subtitles for Family Guy - S09E16 - The Big Bang Theory (Uncensored)-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Okay, Brian,
I'm going to the IGA.

Don't let Peter get
into the cookie dough.

Yeah, sure.

Uh, Brian? I'm just gonna
go into the kitchen
and look at something.

Peter, I know what you're doing.

I'm just gonna
look at something.

Oh!

What a very interesting thing.

Brian, can I give you money
and you write me a check

so I can order
something from this
Abercrombie & Fitch catalog?

What do you want to order?
Oh, wait, let me guess. Him.

He got you, Stewie!

Well, um, if it were you,

you would take
the magazine and you'd
put it on the floor

and pee on it,
'cause you're a dog
and you're stupid,

and you have
a weird toenail
halfway up your elbow.

Nice comeback.

Jesus, that one was
all over the place.

I should have been
quicker than that.

I should've said, "Really?
Why would I order
your ex-boyfriend?"

And then I'd go like this.

Oh! That's so good!

Why didn't I say that?

If only I had a time machine,
I could go back in time

and have that comeback ready.

Wait a minute.
I do have a time machine!

Okay, Brian,
I'm going to the IGA.

Don't let Peter get
into the cookie dough.

Yeah, sure.

Uh, Brian? I'm just gonna
go into the kitchen
and look at something.

Peter, I know what you're doing.

I'm just gonna
look at something.

Oh!

What a very interesting thing.

Brian, can I give you money
and you write me a check

so I can order
something from this
Abercrombie & Fitch catalog?

What do you want to order?
Oh, wait, let me guess. Him.

Really? Why would I
order your ex-boyfriend?

He got you, Brian!

Why didn't I think
of this before?

Now I can always
have the last word.

Like that ground-control guy
during the moon landing.

That's one
small step for man,
one giant leap for mankind.

Roger that, Neil.

We came in peace
for all the peoples
of the Earth.

We read you, Neil.

We chose
to go to the moon,
not because it is easy,

but because it is hard.

Had a lot of
help down here, Neil.

We have slipped the surly bonds

of Earth and
touched the face of God.

Yeah, if you
could just grab
some rocks, Neil,

throw them in a bag,
we'll get you
home safe and sound.

You know what's cool?
Lois let me stay up
till 7:30 last night

to watch Phineas and Ferb.

I'm so tired
from staying up that late.

Stewie, security called.
They found your breath mints.

Oh! Good one,
Brian. Turn the page.

What?
Turn the page.

What the... How did you...

This is silly fun.

I can go back in time
and change anything
in Brian's life.

Oh, don't feel bad,
Peter. Hey, I know
what'll cheer you up.

Hey, where the hell's
my banana thing?

♪ It's peanut
butter jelly time!
Peanut butter jelly time!

♪ Peanut butter jelly time!

♪ Where he at? Where he at? ♪

Oh, my God. Stewie,
that is so funny!

Oh! I did not
see that coming!

But that was my thing.

I'm pretty sure it was
the Internet's thing.

♪ Peanut butter jelly,
peanut butter jelly

♪ Peanut butter jelly
with a baseball bat ♪

Hey, you remember
a few months ago

when you scored
that date with that
Victoria's Secret model

and then ended up
sealing the deal?

Oh, yeah. That was amazing.

What was the date of that?
August 15th.

August 15th! You betcha!

Now, I have to
leave enough time...

Talking to yourself?

Brian! Hello!

Stewie, I know
you've been going back
in time to embarrass me.

Oh, what... Come on!

Oh, okay, then where
are you going now?

Well, I have a very
important mission.

Uh-huh. Let me
see that panel.

No, no, don't touch that!

Come on, let me see that!

Move out of the way!
Don't. No, you can't...

I'm not gonna
let you do this...
You just touched my boob.

I'm gonna tell Mom.

What happened?

Where are we?
I don't know.

It's like we're not anywhere.

Stewie, what the hell
did your machine do?

Just calm down,
calm down, Brian.
I've got the return pad.

All right, step on.

What happened?

Good Lord!

This is impossible!
What?

Well, the return pad works
by first locking on
to our coordinates

along the curve of
the space-time continuum.

But it can't.
Why not?

Well, the only explanation is

we've somehow been
transported outside
the space-time continuum.

I don't understand.

Non-existence.
No past, no future.
No universe.

But still somehow a large,
brightly-colored promo

for The Cleveland Show.

Hey, y'all, it's
The Cleveland Show!

Huh. That's weird.
Black guys usually don't
promote themselves.

Come on, Stewie,
can you fix that
damn thing or not?

Well, it's not broken, Brian.

It operates according
to the laws of physics,

but we're outside
the space-time continuum,

so there are no
laws of physics. Watch.

How the hell did you do that?

No laws of physics, Brian.

We create our own physics.
See, watch this.

♪ Heart and soul

♪ I fell in love with you

♪ Heart and soul

♪ The way a fool would do

♪ Madly

♪ Because you held me tight

♪ And stole
a kiss in the night ♪

Huh? Did I tell you?

Yeah, that was good.
We were good.

Yeah, that's why it sucks
that we're alone here.

Because if there
were people here,
they would say,

"That was good. You guys
should do that more."

Oh, yeah,
they totally would,
but look,

I still want to go home, Stewie.

How do we get out of here?

Well, if I overload
the return pad's reactor,
it might release enough energy

to blow us back
into the universe,
but it's too risky.

But it could get us home.

Well, maybe,
but it'll break my thing.

And if I overload
that reactor,
we could both die.

Well, you at least have to try.

And if you don't,
I am gonna spend
the rest of eternity

chuckling at
a joke that I am not
gonna share with you.

Oh, man.

What? What's the joke?

Oh, yes!

What? What is it?

You can't say that!
But it got said!

What? What? By who?

All right, fine, fine!
I'll try it, you bastard!

Now step onto the return pad.

Now brace yourself.

Hopefully, the explosion
will propel us into reality.

We made it.
Yeah, we made it.

Okay, now tell me the joke.

Oh, it's nothing really.

It's just this bit about
a Planned Parenthood
clinic on Halloween.

Next.

Brian, I am about
to show you something
that's gonna blow your mind!

Do you know what
the big bang theory is?

Yeah, the theory that
the universe started

with a massive outward explosion

from a singularity
of infinite mass
and infinite density.

Check out the big
brain on Brian. Good.

Now take a look.

The universe's cosmic
background radiation,

a kind of echo of the big bang,

precisely matches
the energy spectrum
of my return pad.

What does that mean?

It means my return pad's
explosion was the big bang.

But the big bang happened,
like, billions of years ago.

No, no, we were outside
the space-time continuum.

Time and space didn't
exist until my explosion.

Which means I created
the universe, Brian.

That doesn't make any sense.

You were born in the universe.
How could you create it?

It's called
a temporal causality loop.

The universe created me,
so I could create it,

so it could create me and so on.

That's...
That's the most incredible
thing I've ever heard.

So, wait, that means
that I kind of created
the universe, too.

No, no, no, no.

You're sort of
the Art Garfunkel
of the universe.

Hey, Lois, check out
what I spelled with
my Alpha-Bits.

Oh, my God.

Yeah! Now watch.

Maybe later you'll
want the real thing, huh?

I prefer the Alpha-Bits.

So, Brian, I see you're
enjoying that cup of joe.

I thought you'd like it.

What, you made
the coffee?
Created it, yeah.

Oh, for God's sake...

Stewie's...
For Stewie's sake.

Well, I'm off to
the farmers' market.

I've gotta pick
up some plutonium
for a new return pad.

In case I decide to make
another universe later.

Plutonium at
the farmers' market?

Yeah, I'm only using
organic plutonium now.

Think globally, buy locally.

Hey, slut, get me out of this.

Hello there, Yusuf.

Hey, Stewie!
What can I get you?

Just a little of the good stuff

for a new time
machine return pad.

Coming right up.

So, how's the whole
terrorism thing going?

Well, the good news is
my son died in a car bombing.

The bad news is
he borrowed my car!

Oh, God!

Oh, that's the other
reason I come here.

Okay, so here is your plutonium.

I hope you kill my
bitch wife with it.

Whoa, whoa.
Where's that coming from?

Ahh, I'm just a little upset
because she left me.

I guess she didn't
know what "jihad."

Come on!
Oh, sorry!

So, Stewie Griffin
invented a time machine.

Bertram!

Hello, Stewie.

You don't realize it yet,
but your life is
about to cease to exist.

What are you talking about?

I am gonna kill one
of your ancestors,

effectively erasing you
from history!

Here! Play with this!

At least you can
spend your final moments
doing something you enjoy.

You know, it's funny,
I had actually stopped
playing with that toy,

but now that I see you with it,

I kind of want to
play with it again.

Look at me!
I'm mowing the lawn!

What the hell's all that noise?

Brian, it was Bertram!

He's gone into the past,
and he claims he's going to...

Stewie, what's going on?

Peter, what was that?

Quick, Brian,
into the time machine!

Stewie, what the hell was that?

Those were ripples
in time, Brian,

emanating from some
point in the past.

And there's only
one explanation.

Bertram told me
he planned to kill
one of my ancestors.

He must have succeeded,

thereby changing
the past and erasing me.

But what has that
got to do with...

I created the universe, Brian!

Bertram didn't know
that by removing
me from history,

I wouldn't be there to be
accidentally thrown
outside the universe

and subsequently create it.

So the universe never existed!

But why didn't we disappear?

I can only surmise
that the explosion
from my old return pad

irradiated us
in highly charged
chronoton particles,

allowing us to
momentarily survive.

Boy, that was lucky.
Yeah, things worked out.

Well, we have to stop him!

Yes. Unfortunately,
Bertram took
the return pad with him,

so we'll only get
one shot at this.

Ah! Here it is.

Now, we'll have to
travel back in time

to a point shortly
before Bertram's arrival.

Get ready, Brian.

How long until Bertram arrives?

I can't be certain,
but I'd say about
15 minutes.

Where do you think we are?

I don't know.
Looks like the Renaissance.

It does.

This doesn't count
as our trip to Italy.

Brian, look!
There's the Mona Lisa.

And it's unfinished!

We must be in
Leonardo da Vinci's studio.

Quick! Someone's coming!

That must be Leonardo da Vinci.

Stewie, he looks just like you.

Da Vinci must be
my ancestor. Good Lord!

That's who Bertram's
here to kill!

So that means you're Italian.

Of course!
My love for SpaghettiOs
and smoking on the toilet.

It all makes sense.

Ew!

My God, da Vinci
is your ancestor.

But why would Bertram
go back this far
to get rid of you?

Ah, you're forgetting
I initially encountered
Bertram as a sperm

in one of the fat man's balls,

so he couldn't get
rid of the fat man

or any recent ancestor
on my father's side.

Bertram had to go back
enough generations

to make sure he was snuffing out

the ancestral
source of my genius

without affecting his own.

And apparently,
it's Leonardo da Vinci.

Boy, I'm sick of the pizza.

Well, we've gotta
stop Bertram.
What are we gonna do?

Don't worry, Brian,
I'll come up with something.

Remember, I'm a genius.
Like Thomas Edison.

Thomas, what are you doing?

Experimenting.

Brian, look!

Mamma mia! What is this?

Leonardo da Vinci, I presume.

Who are you,
little lisping baby?

Your assassin,
you overrated caricaturist!

Stewie!

That's my name,
don't wear it out.

See, that's brand new to him.

Eh!
Eh!

You're about to be
yesterday's hopscotch chalk
on a sidewalk, Stewie!

Erased!

Yeah, no,
I got the metaphor,
but, Bertram,

if you erase me,
you'll destroy
the universe!

What are you talking about?

Listen to him,
Bertram! It's true!

Brian and I were
trapped outside
the space-time continuum,

and the only way
for us to get back

was to overload
my old return pad.

The resulting
explosion was
the big bang.

So if you kill me,
you're killing yourself

and everything else
that ever existed
or will exist.

Worth it!

You fool!

Hey, Bertram,
what's your favorite
kind of bottled water?

Huh?

Mine's Arrowhead.

Wow, that was dramatic.

My God, he's really dead.

This is it.
Yeah.

But why hasn't
the universe
ceased to exist?

I don't know.

Unless there's still
a chance of me being born.

But da Vinci is dead.

Yes, but we're still here.

So I must have done, or will do,

something that will
save the universe.

If I can just figure
out what that is...

Ugh, Bertram just
voided his bowels.

That's it!
The genetic material

needed for my
creation is inside me.

So I'll take da Vinci's
place and pass it on.

Wait, how did you
get that from "bowels"?
Huh?

I'm just wondering
how you got that from...
You know what? I don't care.

Will that work, though?
You taking da Vinci's place?

Only one way to find out.

All right,
I'm going to send you back

five minutes
after we disappeared
in the time machine.

If all goes well,
the universe should
be intact this time.

Good luck, old friend.

Hopefully,
I'll be leaving you
a future to return to.

I'm gonna miss you,
Stewie. Good luck.

You did it, Stewie.
You did it.

Uh, can I help you?

Are you Brian Griffin?
Yes.

I'm from the Vatican,
and this is for you.
What is it?

The Vatican has
been holding this note
for you for about 500 years.

It was left to us
by Leonardo da Vinci
himself,

with instructions that
it be delivered to you

on this exact date
at this exact time.

Dear Brian,
it's been a week
since you left,

and I'm pretty sure
I've set things right.

So I've built
a cryogenic stasis device

and am placing myself inside it,

leaving instructions
for it to be buried
in very specific coordinates

in what will be future Quahog.

If everything goes
according to plan,

I will have spent
the next 500 years
buried beneath our basement.

Oh, my God!

A tip is customary!

Stewie!

Stewie! Stewie, you okay?

You gotta kiss
him to wake him up.

What? I'm not
gonna kiss you.

Stewie can't hear you.
He's not awake.
Only a kiss will wake him up.

Well, I better get Meg.

Oh. Oh. Where am I?

Stewie, what the hell happened?

Oh, well,
shortly after you left,

da Vinci's girlfriend showed up,

so I injected her with my DNA.

You had sex?

No, I put my DNA inside her.

Right. You had sex.

No, what are you not getting?
I put a sample of
my DNA in a syringe

and I injected her
on the staircase,
the couch and the balcony.

Well, whatever
the case, thank God.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, hey, I brought you
something from
da Vinci's workshop.

A candle?
I can get a candle now.

You couldn't have
grabbed me one of his
original notebooks?

You know, I didn't have to
bring you back anything.

It's almost like you didn't.

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