All language subtitles for Family Guy - S09E11 - German Guy (Uncensored)-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Everyone, we need to discuss
our problem with Chris.

His little habit of, uh,
personal amusement is
getting way out of hand.

I mean, look at this.

What's that, some kind of board?

It's Chris' blanket.

We got to do
something about this.

I'm pretty sure
our washing machine
is pregnant.

I don't even know how that's
scientifically possible.

Life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

finds a way.

You know,
maybe you guys should
help find Chris a hobby.

That might occupy him
and get his mind
on other things.

Hey, man, lay off the kid.

I say, if it feels good, do it.

Stewie, you don't do that yet.

Hey, you don't know what I do.

Wait a minute,
Brian, that's a great idea.
Chris needs a hobby.

Hey, Chris, get in here.

Yeah, Dad?
We are gonna
find you a hobby.

What do you think of that?
Okay.

There you go, that's the spirit.

Yuck.

Hey, Christopher.
What you up to?

Hi, Mr. Herbert.

My dad's helping
me find a hobby.

Well, you sure got
a pretty morning for it.

Chris, don't waste our time
with the elderly.
They're dying.

Please, God,
let me just sniff his hat.

Let me just sniff his hat,
that's all I want.

Now I want more.

Okay, Chris, this is the
gentle art of philately

otherwise known as
stamp collecting.

Here's a pile of stamps

carefully culled
from swap meets
and garage sales.

And look at this.
It's a Bolivian airplane.

Now, it says it's
worth 8 cents, but really

it's worth 12.

See that? Already ahead.

Came right out of the blocks
with a winner here, Chris.

Now, we'll just paste this
very carefully into the book.

And that's where it belongs.

Now, this is a loaded handgun.

And what we're gonna do now
is kill ourselves

because this is horrible.

Couldn't we just
stop philateling?
Too late.

All right, Chris, this is
one of the oldest hobbies
in existence, drinking.

Hey, hey,
good times just walked in.

Oh, hey, he can't
be in here. He's not 21.

All right, just hang out here
for a little bit, huh?

All right, see you later, gang.

Chris, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be at camp.

What am I paying for?

I could have gone pro
if it wasn't for my bum knee.

Wow!

That is so cool. What is it?

It's a puppet.

Welcome. I am Franz Gutentag,

and this is my puppet shop.

Puppets. And I thought
I'd seen everything.

My name is Chris.

Well, Chris, puppetry
is a wonderful art form.

You can create an entire world
right before your eyes

and watch it come to life.

Wow.

What's that one over there?

Ah! That is
a work in progress.

It is waiting to become
anything we wish it to be.

My name is Chris,
and I like candy

and jumping and colorful birds.

Wow! What else do I like?

You like the pop
singing of today.

Yay!

That was the German-est
thing I've ever seen.

I'm so glad you like it, Chris.

Would you like to try?

Oh, boy, would I?

I'm a vampire, and I'm in love
with this unattractive girl.

I'm a werewolf, and I am

also in love with
this unattractive girl.

Boy, she sure can act,
though, can't she?

Nope.

The end.

Bravo, Chris!

You have really tapped into

the wonder and enchantment
that is puppetry.

Plus, I move these dolls
and make like they're talking.

Yes. Right.

Thanks for
showing me how to do it

and being so nice to me,
Mr. Gutentag.

Call me Franz.

Okay. Franz.

You know, Chris, seeing
a young person like you
enjoy puppetry

makes me so happy.

I feel like we could
become good friends.

That sounds like fun.

Wow, I think you're just
about my most favorite guy

who's gonna die soon.

That's the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

Oh, no!

Mr. Griffin,
I'm sorry to bother you,
but there's a...

Well, there's a situation,
and we need to talk.

Look, if this is about
those droppings in your yard,

it was, uh, Brian.

Yeah, Brian.

No, it's this man
Chris is hanging out with.

He's bad news.

Why? What's the problem?

Chris is friends with a Nazi!
What?

At first I wasn't
sure it was him,

but I got a closer look,

and now there's
no question in my mind.

Franz Gutentag
is really Lieutenant
Franz Schlechtnacht,

the most sadistic SS guard
in the Dachau
concentration camp.

That's a very
serious accusation.

How do you know
this man was
a Nazi prison guard?

'Cause I was there.

It was 1944.

I was a young Air Force pilot
assigned as part of an escort

for a bombing raid
over southern Germany,

when we encountered
the Luftwaffe.

At first we thought
we were in the clear

because the Germans
were frightened

by the scary shark face
on the front of our plane.

A shark!

How did it get all the way
up here in the sky?

Who cares, you fool?
Do you want to get eaten?
Retreat!

But there was
one stubborn pilot
who saw through our disguise.

Most of the surviving
American pilots were
taken to POW camps,

but for some reason,
they thought I was gay,

so I was taken to Dachau.

Behind the walls
of the prison camp,

there was one guard
who decided everyone's fate.

If he pointed to the left,
you did hard labor.

If he pointed to the right,
you died.

That man was
Franz Schlechtnacht.

I was spared death,
but I was given hard labor.

He made me sort
the camp recyclables.

But some of those bottles
still had a little
bit of soda in them.

It would spill out on my hands
and make them kind of sticky.

Dear God, how my hands
would get kind of sticky!

No one should have to suffer
the way I suffered!

So that's why Chris should
stay away from
that puppet store guy.

It all sounds kind of sketchy.

Wait, are you Jamie Kennedy?

Am I being skunked
or puked or whatever,
some shit?

I'm telling you the truth.

I swear on my nephew's grave.

I don't know,
Franz seems like
such a nice old man.

You know, maybe we should
just invite him for dinner

and clear this whole thing up.

Yeah, you know,
we got no right
passing judgment

without getting to know him.

Isn't that right,
Scottish chipmunk?

Yeah, he doesn't talk,
but he's a chipmunk,

and he's Scottish,
and he would
back me up on this.

Chris, wait.
Where you going?

I'm going to
Mr. Gutentag's house.

You can't.
Why not?

Chris, his name isn't Gutentag,

it's Schlechtnacht,
and he's a Nazi.

What?

It's true.
You've got to stay away
from that terrible man.

Mr. Gutentag
isn't a terrible man.

He's my friend.

Chris, you don't understand,
I'm trying to help you.

Help me what?
Clean your pool
with my shirt off,

or wash your car in jean shorts,

bend over in front of you
to get little bits of
lint out of the rug?

I know what you're
about, Mr. Herbert:

free labor, and I'm not into it.

Chris, you have to choose.

It's either Franz or me.

Chris, what's the matter?
You look upset.

Mr. Herbert was saying
terrible things about you.

He said you liked Hitler,
and your name
isn't really Gutentag.

Oh, Chris, you can't always
believe what you hear.

For example, everybody thinks
that prostitution is illegal,

but there are ways around it.

All right, let's do it.

Both of you are
under arrest for prostitution.

It's not prostitution.

You paid her to have sex.

No, I paid her to have sex
and we're filming it.

So, technically
it's not prostitution,
it's a porno.

Oh, well, as long
as you're filming

and selling it, it's legal.
Enjoy your day.

Remember, kids,
she's not a whore
if she's an actress.

This has been a message

from the Church
of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints.

That's probably
mean old Mr. Herbert again.

Dad?
Excuse me, Chris,

I got to talk to
Mr. Pupenchest here.

Good day to you, Mr. Griffin.

Say, listen,
my wife and I appreciate
how nice you've been to my son

with all
the puppets and whatnot,

and we wanted
to invite you over for dinner.

Oh, wonderful.

And I shall
celebrate our friendship

by giving you a hand-carved
German wall clock.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I could not find the clock.

But you got three of them
on the wall over there.

Yes, those are mine.

Oh.

Yeah, I need those.

Uh-huh.

I just don't know
why you said it, then.

Mr. Gutentag,
can I use the bathroom?

Of course.
Down the hall to the right.

It's the door marked...

What the...

So now you know the truth.

I promise I won't tell anyone!
Just let my dad go!

Oh, I am afraid that
is quite impossible.

You're not gonna get away
with this, Mr. Googlesearch.

Oh, but I think that I will.

You two know my secret.

I must be sure no one
ever finds out the truth.

So, what?
Are you gonna kill us?

Perhaps, Mr. Griffin.
I have not yet decided.

Well, you might want to do
something about that first.

What?

Quick, shoot him, Chris!
What are you waiting for?

I... How do I know
which one to shoot?
What?

How do I know which
one is the real dad?

I... We never switched.

We don't even look the same!

All right, when's my birthday?

Aw, crap.

February 8th.

Dad!

There. That's more like it.

You idiot!

Well, learn my
birthday, asshole!

Twenty-five.
That's how high I can count.

We have been here
for three hours.

I'm scared, Dad.
What's gonna happen to us?

Well, he's a Nazi, Chris.

If I had to guess,
he's going to
make us into a lamp shade

or a wallet or a bar of soap.

I guess that means
I'll be Irish Spring.

Irish Spring will
get you fresh and

clean as a whistle. See?

You cut me! Why?

What is that
possibly supposed to
show the consumer?

There's more soap
inside the soap.

They know that!

Mrs. Griffin.
What a nice surprise.
Come in.

Mr. Gutentag,
I'm sorry to bother you,

but Chris and Peter
didn't come home last night.

Have you seen them?

Oh. Wait, is he
a great big fat person?

He's a large man, yes, sir.

No, I have not seen them.

Well, if you do,
could you please contact me?

I'm just worried sick.

Of course, Mrs. Griffin.
I will let you
know immediately.

Dad, I want to go home.

All right, let's try
and figure a way out of here.

Look around.
See if you can find something
to break the door down with.

Dad, there's a window here!

Oh, my God,
maybe we can get outside.

No, it's too small.

Wait, Dad, look.

There's Meg
walking down the street.

Hey, Meg!
Hanging out with
all your friends?

Hey, whale,
the ocean's that way!

That's a good one, too.

All right, let's figure
a way to get out of here.

Now, we can't fit
through the window,

but maybe there's
some way we can let
people know we're down here.

We gotta make as
much noise as possible
to get people's attention.

And nothing makes more noise
than unwanted salsa music.

Hand me that radio.

What the hell?

Oh, for God's sake,
where's that
white-noise machine?

Help! Oh, my God, help!
Somebody help me!

Oh, man, the battery's dead.
Now what do we do?

Oh, my God.

Mr. Herbert! Mr. Herbert!

He can't hear me.

Jesse! Jesse!

Jesse, what is it, boy?

Chris!

Chris, what happened?

You were right, Mr. Herbert.

Franz is a Nazi.

And he's keeping us
prisoner down here.

Get help.

Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her

"Thunder thighs
are on the move.
Thunder thighs are loose."

You know, I gotta say, Chris,

all my life I wanted
to see you
locked in a basement,

but now that it's happened,
all I want to do
is get you out.

Don't you worry.
I'll be back with help.

You want me to write
that thunder thighs
thing down for you?

He's not gonna do it.

I'm here for the boy.

Who are you?
Oh, you don't remember me?

Well, I remember you,
Lieutenant Schlechtnacht.

But then why
should you remember?

There were so many of us.

But frankly,
I don't give a shit.

And I'll tell you this,

only one of us is gonna
walk out of here alive.

Bring it on!

Wake up. Wake up.
We're fighting.

Where... Where am I?

It's okay.
We're fighting. Wake up.

Hang on. Hang on. Pills.

Yeah, me, too.

Wednesday, right?

Yeah, it's Wednesday.

Oh! You know what?
You know what?
What?

I'm having some
trouble getting up.

Would you mind calling my nurse?

Her name is Frieda.
Her phone number
is in the kitchen.

Oh, gosh,
look who's stuck
on the couch again.

I'm not stuck on the couch.

Okay, Mr. Cranky.

One, two, three!
There we go!

You didn't need me.
You did that yourself.

Good for you.
You need anything else?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Okay, you guys have fun.

Franz, grab my hand!

Say good night,
you Nazi bastard.

It's time to give you
a proper German funeral.

Thanks for everything,
Mr. Herbert.

If only I had listened
to you, none of this
would've happened.

You were my real
friend all along.

I'm sorry.

It's okay, Chris.

Sometimes
the only way to really
appreciate what you have

is to see what life
is like without it.

And there's
nothing I appreciate more
than your friendship.

Dad, Mr. Herbert
called me thunder thighs.

Oh, you did it. Thank you!

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