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♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,156
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,225 --> 00:00:11,843
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:14,963
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:18,133
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,553
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,166
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,856
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:29,878
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:39,420
You think I got
time to go make
before the movie starts?
11
00:00:39,490 --> 00:00:41,222
Just make sure you get back in.
12
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:42,991
You got your stub
in your pocket?
13
00:00:43,827 --> 00:00:45,360
That's hurtful.
14
00:00:45,429 --> 00:00:47,056
All right, come on,
hurry up, Brian.
15
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,275
I don't want to miss
the movie trivia slides
before the movie.
16
00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:50,899
Peter, those questions
are the easiest,
17
00:00:50,951 --> 00:00:52,651
most pandering things
in the world.
18
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,600
Shut up.
They're starting.
19
00:00:58,258 --> 00:00:59,919
Oh, oh, Tim Honks!
Tim Honks!
20
00:00:59,943 --> 00:01:01,743
Forrest Gump.
I win.
21
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,046
Who?
22
00:01:09,887 --> 00:01:11,252
Fuck!
23
00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:12,766
You guys got any
questions for people
24
00:01:12,790 --> 00:01:15,374
who are not Hollywood
insiders? Jesus!
25
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:19,461
Fuck!
26
00:01:19,530 --> 00:01:23,348
All right, this is ridiculous.
I need some help here.
27
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,061
- Hey, Quagmire?
- Hey, Peter.
28
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,546
Hey, listen, we're at the movies
29
00:01:26,570 --> 00:01:28,014
and they're showing
the trivia cards
30
00:01:28,038 --> 00:01:30,283
and there's a question
up there that's just
stumping us.
31
00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:33,374
It's, "What color is this?"
32
00:01:33,443 --> 00:01:34,943
Well, what color is it?
33
00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,556
That's what I'm asking you.
34
00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:38,608
- I don't understand,
- Peter. You're there.
35
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:39,825
Look, maybe
you don't understand.
36
00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:41,878
This is like the trivia
thing before the movie
37
00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:43,380
where they got, like,
the brain teasers
38
00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:45,148
and the pictures
of Tim Honks
and all that.
39
00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:46,516
Tim Honks from The Money Pot?
40
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,351
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
So can you help me?
41
00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:50,236
All right,Peter, find a hot girland touch her.
42
00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:52,027
I'll be able to see
what she sees.
43
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,447
It's blue.
44
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,100
Good. It's starting.
45
00:01:59,169 --> 00:02:00,480
Yeah, that's what you say.
46
00:02:00,504 --> 00:02:02,682
I can never figure out
when the hell
the studio logos end
47
00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:04,333
and the actual movie begins.
48
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,443
All right. Let's see
what you got, Fox.
49
00:02:08,512 --> 00:02:10,913
I bet that's a sea monster...
50
00:02:10,981 --> 00:02:12,025
That's not the movie.
51
00:02:13,183 --> 00:02:15,417
That's... Yeah,
I think I heard of them.
52
00:02:15,485 --> 00:02:16,952
Here we go. Movie!
53
00:02:18,289 --> 00:02:20,755
Well, now, that seems
intentionally misleading.
54
00:02:21,925 --> 00:02:24,993
All right, someone's
coming to town.
55
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:26,828
Oh, for crying out loud.
56
00:02:28,498 --> 00:02:29,898
All right, period movie.
57
00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:33,384
Oh, not a period movie.
58
00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:39,190
This guy's in trouble.
Can't wait to hear his story.
59
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:41,759
Come on!
60
00:02:45,014 --> 00:02:47,210
Psst! Hey, Brian.
You want a drink?
61
00:02:47,234 --> 00:02:48,733
You snuck in liquor?
62
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,913
Yeah, loosens me up
so I can talk to
the people around me.
63
00:02:50,937 --> 00:02:53,172
All right, I'll get in on that.
64
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,910
Hey, I've already
seen this movie.
65
00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:02,096
Let's talk...
Let's talk about
other movies we've seen.
66
00:03:02,165 --> 00:03:03,632
That's an excellent idea.
67
00:03:03,700 --> 00:03:05,967
I like The Madnessof King George.
68
00:03:06,035 --> 00:03:07,614
Well, I don't know what that is,
69
00:03:07,638 --> 00:03:11,773
but The Cat from Outer Space
is a solid motion picture.
70
00:03:11,841 --> 00:03:14,025
And I like...
I like King Ralph
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00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:18,412
'cause that's the last
guy you'd expect
to be king of nothing.
72
00:03:18,481 --> 00:03:19,614
Hey, shut up!
73
00:03:19,683 --> 00:03:21,850
Hey, I'm not
the only one talking.
74
00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:26,004
That big guy up there on
the screen has been talking
through the whole movie.
75
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,390
Hey, jerk.
Hey, you keep it down!
76
00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:31,993
I don't think that
he's listening to you.
Let's get him!
77
00:03:32,061 --> 00:03:36,397
Dear Liesl,I'd like to be able to tellyou how I feel about you.
78
00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:39,651
Liesl, get away from him.
He's a Nazi.
79
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,804
I know Jews is bad,
but thems is worse.
80
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:43,949
- Sit down!
- Move.
81
00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,891
Stop blocking
the screen, you jerk!
82
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,427
I don't think
you heard me, buddy.
83
00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:50,589
Step away from the young lady.
84
00:03:50,613 --> 00:03:52,547
Mmm!
85
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,033
All right, Ian Ziering,
you asked for it.
86
00:03:56,053 --> 00:03:57,886
Dear Rolfe, stop.
87
00:03:57,954 --> 00:04:00,438
Oh, my God.
I think I'm in Narnia.
88
00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:01,651
Where am I?
89
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,853
Hey, those guys are
all backwards now.
90
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,077
Get away from her!
91
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:09,648
We got a report
of a disturbance...
92
00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,649
Oh! What the hell, Peter?
93
00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:13,919
Joe, thank God.
There's a situation here.
94
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,587
I've got a sore finger.
95
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,990
I don't give a crap.
We got bigger problems!
96
00:04:22,245 --> 00:04:24,140
Mr. Griffin
and Mr. Griffin,
97
00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:27,259
this court finds
you guilty of creating
a public disturbance
98
00:04:27,283 --> 00:04:29,295
and destruction
of private property.
99
00:04:29,319 --> 00:04:32,336
And all of this while under
the influence of alcohol.
100
00:04:32,389 --> 00:04:34,489
Your Honor, if you'll
just let us explain...
101
00:04:34,558 --> 00:04:36,841
I've heard all the testimony
I'm prepared to hear.
102
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:42,146
This court sentences
you both to 30 days of
Alcoholics Anonymous.
103
00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:43,659
Well, Your Honor, in that case,
104
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:46,585
I'll have to call
my surprise witness,
Mr. Sockerby.
105
00:04:46,653 --> 00:04:50,021
Mr. Sockerby, before we begin,
have you ever been convicted
of a felony?
106
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,102
Yes, but that bitch
had it coming.
107
00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:55,727
Okay. Your Honor,
I'm afraid I have to
withdraw this witness,
108
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:59,230
and I am going to those things
you said I have to go to.
109
00:05:05,856 --> 00:05:09,524
This sucks. Can't believe
that judge is making us
go to a month of AA.
110
00:05:09,593 --> 00:05:12,589
You know, if you ask me,
this is gonna be a good
thing for both of you.
111
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:14,190
There's a lesson
you need to learn.
112
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:15,875
What are you talking about?
What lesson?
113
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:18,361
I don't need to go to AA.
I'm a social drinker,
not an alcoholic.
114
00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:21,146
Yeah, that's like saying
rappers are really poets.
115
00:05:23,106 --> 00:05:26,574
"I'm not saying
she's a gold digger,
116
00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:28,844
"but she's not
messing with..."
117
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:32,831
Who isn't she messing with?
118
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,820
Hey, y'all.
119
00:05:38,889 --> 00:05:41,990
Okay, we got us
a few new friends here
joining us tonight.
120
00:05:42,059 --> 00:05:45,994
So let's all say us a big
hello to Peter and Brian.
121
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,929
Hello, Peter and Brian.
122
00:05:47,997 --> 00:05:48,997
Hi there.
123
00:05:49,066 --> 00:05:51,333
Hi, uniform mentality.
I'm an individual.
124
00:05:51,401 --> 00:05:53,079
Come on, Brian.
They're forcing us
to do this,
125
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:54,513
so let's try and make
the best of it.
126
00:05:54,537 --> 00:05:55,670
Can't be that bad.
127
00:05:55,739 --> 00:05:57,951
All right,
who'd like to
kick us off?
128
00:05:57,975 --> 00:05:59,173
I will.
129
00:05:59,242 --> 00:06:01,893
Hi, my name is Walt
and I'm an alcoholic.
130
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,245
Hi, Walt.
131
00:06:03,313 --> 00:06:05,108
I used to be out of control.
132
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:08,833
I used to drink from
the moment I woke up
till the moment I went to bed.
133
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:12,604
I'd get in fights
and have crazy sex
with hookers all night.
134
00:06:12,656 --> 00:06:15,857
But, thanks to the program,
I've been clean for a year.
135
00:06:15,926 --> 00:06:18,526
Now I live in a halfway house
with my lady friend.
136
00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:22,164
And next month,
we're going on
a bus trip to Worcester.
137
00:06:22,866 --> 00:06:24,098
What the fuck?
138
00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:27,052
Thank you, Walt.
Who wants to go next?
139
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,937
I will. Um...
140
00:06:29,006 --> 00:06:31,773
My name is Greg,
and I'm an alcoholic.
141
00:06:31,841 --> 00:06:33,508
Hi, Greg.
142
00:06:33,577 --> 00:06:38,096
One fateful night,
I got behind the wheel
of my brand-new sports car,
143
00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:39,731
blind drunk.
144
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,227
I was responsible for the death
145
00:06:41,251 --> 00:06:43,284
of an innocent 8-year-old girl.
146
00:06:43,353 --> 00:06:45,186
What kind?
What?
147
00:06:45,255 --> 00:06:46,487
What kind of car?
148
00:06:46,556 --> 00:06:48,634
You said you had a sports car.
That's cool, but what kind?
149
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:49,658
It was a Miata.
150
00:06:49,726 --> 00:06:51,625
Come on.
That's not a sports car.
151
00:06:51,694 --> 00:06:53,272
How does that even kill a kid?
152
00:06:53,296 --> 00:06:54,740
What, did you hit her
over the head with it?
153
00:06:54,764 --> 00:06:55,942
That's a legitimate sports car.
154
00:06:55,966 --> 00:06:57,265
No. Next!
155
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,784
Jenny, would you like to talk?
156
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,320
My name is Jenny,
and I'm an alcoholic.
157
00:07:02,372 --> 00:07:05,339
Jeez, anybody here
in any other line
of work? Ha!
158
00:07:05,408 --> 00:07:06,874
Hi, Jenny.
159
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,610
Before I found AA,
my ex-boyfriend and I
160
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,590
used to get drunk
and party all night.
161
00:07:11,614 --> 00:07:13,392
I missed work half the time.
162
00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:15,194
One morning, I woke up naked
163
00:07:15,218 --> 00:07:17,930
with three Persians
high-fiving each other
on the way out of my bedroom.
164
00:07:17,954 --> 00:07:21,289
But now that
I've joined the program,
I'm a whole different person.
165
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:25,176
And my two new cats,
Clean and Sober,
just think I'm tops.
166
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:26,845
That's wonderful, Jenny.
167
00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:30,015
All right, Peter,
do you have a story
that you'd like to share?
168
00:07:30,066 --> 00:07:31,298
Oh, yeah, I got one.
169
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:33,496
This one time, me and Joe
and Quagmire made a bet
170
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,732
to see who could
drink the most beer
and still drive.
171
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:38,290
And you know that water slide
in South Attleboro?
172
00:07:44,614 --> 00:07:46,142
Yeah!
Water slide!
173
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:49,284
Summer fun!
174
00:07:49,353 --> 00:07:54,389
It was
the greatest day of my life,
and I owe it all to alcohol.
175
00:07:54,458 --> 00:07:56,641
Peter, it sounds
to me like alcohol
176
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:59,527
is a very destructive
influence in your life.
177
00:07:59,596 --> 00:08:00,756
Yeah, maybe you didn't hear me.
178
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:03,348
We drove a car
down a waterslide.
179
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,449
Listen to me.
180
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,128
You need to relinquish
your dependence
181
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,403
and give yourself
over to a higher power.
182
00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:11,389
You have a different
view, Brian?
183
00:08:11,441 --> 00:08:14,242
I don't know. Are we allowed
to have a different view?
184
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:18,113
Look, Brian,
I know where you's at.
I fought it at first, too.
185
00:08:18,181 --> 00:08:21,182
But you need to realize
you don't have all them
answers.
186
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:25,352
But if you work
the program every day,
you'll find results.
187
00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:27,100
God, you sound like a robot.
188
00:08:27,124 --> 00:08:30,658
Brian, AA is the
only way out
for these people.
189
00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:33,795
Millions are saved
every year
by the program.
190
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,574
Hey, people got along just fine
191
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,531
for thousands
of years without AA.
192
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,363
Just like they got along
for thousands of
years without religion.
193
00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:42,404
I like you and have
no reason not to.
194
00:08:42,472 --> 00:08:44,683
I like you and have
no reason not to.
195
00:08:44,707 --> 00:08:47,859
Hey, did you hear
about that magic baby
that was born in Bethlehem?
196
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:58,552
There you boys are.
How was your meeting?
197
00:08:58,622 --> 00:09:01,017
Twenty-nine more
and we're done,
that's how it was.
198
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,085
That doesn't sound
like the right attitude.
199
00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:04,976
Lois, you weren't there.
It was awful.
200
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,546
Just a bunch of losers
telling boring stories.
201
00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:09,380
"My drinking
ruined my marriage."
202
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,182
"My drinking
ruined my family."
203
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:14,052
"My drinking
ruined my TV show, 24."
204
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,332
You sound like two people
who don't like being told
205
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,067
they have a problem
with alcohol.
206
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,908
Okay, let's just say
for a minute that I do
have a drinking problem.
207
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,610
How is being
forced to join a cult
208
00:09:22,678 --> 00:09:24,595
for 30 days
supposed to fix that?
209
00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:26,631
I see you got your own thing
going on this week,
210
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,260
but there's a new
teacher at preschool
211
00:09:28,284 --> 00:09:30,584
who deactivates the camera
and then hits us.
212
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:33,004
Brian, AA's been
around for years.
213
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,540
It's helped a lot of people
get over their addiction.
214
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:38,371
No, it hasn't.
They've just traded
one addiction for another.
215
00:09:38,395 --> 00:09:41,795
Their life goes from
being all about drinking
to being all about AA.
216
00:09:41,864 --> 00:09:43,409
The only difference is,
when it's all about drinking,
217
00:09:43,433 --> 00:09:44,932
they're more fun.
218
00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:48,321
Well, like it or not,
you got to stick
it out for 30 days.
219
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,338
You know what sucks, Brian?
220
00:09:50,407 --> 00:09:51,951
We don't got a problem
with our drinking.
221
00:09:51,975 --> 00:09:54,459
It's everybody else
who's got a problem
with our drinking.
222
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,522
Wait a minute.
Peter, that's it.
223
00:09:56,546 --> 00:09:58,924
The issue isn't
that these people
are alcoholics.
224
00:09:58,948 --> 00:10:01,327
They just have
nowhere to drink
without being judged.
225
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,218
She slams us into
the monkey bars,
226
00:10:03,286 --> 00:10:06,071
but none of us have
the language skills
to call her on it.
227
00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,120
And then this one time,
I was so drunk,
228
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,006
I gave someone
a back adjustment.
229
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,378
I'm not a chiropractor.
230
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:16,347
You got to go to a weekend
of school for that.
231
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:20,201
Hey, hey!
Anyone in the house
addicted to alcohol?
232
00:10:20,270 --> 00:10:21,664
Hi.
Hello, Peter.
233
00:10:21,688 --> 00:10:22,787
I enjoy alcohol.
234
00:10:22,855 --> 00:10:24,472
I can't hear you!
235
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:25,541
Hello.
236
00:10:25,609 --> 00:10:26,952
I have a very serious problem.
237
00:10:26,976 --> 00:10:30,361
Mr. Griffin, alcohol is
forbidden at our meetings.
238
00:10:30,414 --> 00:10:31,729
Look, just hear me out.
239
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:33,810
I sat here and listened
to you bums the other day,
240
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,466
and I got to tell you,
241
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:38,269
I have never seen
a duller bunch of
pathetic bastards in my life.
242
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,065
I don't know who you were
when you were drinking,
243
00:10:40,089 --> 00:10:42,668
but it sure as hell's
got to be better than who
you are when you're sober.
244
00:10:42,692 --> 00:10:45,721
Yeah, you all stopped
drinking because you were
hurting your loved ones.
245
00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:48,257
But you can't hurt them
if they don't know
you're drunk.
246
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,664
Let's make this our sanctuary.
247
00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:54,019
I wants me that beer.
248
00:11:07,117 --> 00:11:08,997
Look at this, Brian,
249
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:12,404
somewhere in Quahog there's
a kid not being picked up
from baseball practice.
250
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,832
And it's all thanks to us.
251
00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:17,803
Attention, patrol cars,
252
00:11:17,827 --> 00:11:20,672
we've got a noisecomplaint at theQuahog Community Center.
253
00:11:20,696 --> 00:11:22,030
Is anyone in the area?
254
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:24,610
Wait a minute.
That's where Peter's
AA meeting is.
255
00:11:24,634 --> 00:11:27,201
This is Officer Swanson.
I'm on it.
256
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:34,492
So I clicked on it,
and the girl's got
a bigger wang than I got.
257
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:36,377
No way!
No way, right?
258
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:39,180
So I did...
So I just put my thumb
over it, and then...
259
00:11:39,249 --> 00:11:42,650
And that got me
through the rest of the...
260
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,819
Of the session.
261
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:52,676
Oh, no.
There's a policeman coming.
262
00:11:53,946 --> 00:11:56,264
All right, everybody,
you know what to do.
263
00:11:56,332 --> 00:11:58,699
Alcoholics, transform.
264
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:12,964
All right, what the hell's
going on in here?
We got a noise complaint.
265
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:15,500
Joe, shh!
Peter's about to start.
266
00:12:15,552 --> 00:12:18,486
We are gathered
here again tonight,
fellow AA members,
267
00:12:18,555 --> 00:12:21,555
to talk about
the greatest temptation
the devil ever created.
268
00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:23,241
Alcohol!
269
00:12:24,528 --> 00:12:26,293
♪ Mr. Booze
270
00:12:26,362 --> 00:12:27,962
♪ Mr. Booze
271
00:12:28,031 --> 00:12:30,264
♪ Mr. Booze
272
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:34,685
♪ Mr. B-double-O-Z-E
273
00:12:34,737 --> 00:12:39,206
♪ That sure spells booze
274
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:42,143
♪ You will wind up
wearing tattered shoes
275
00:12:42,212 --> 00:12:44,546
♪ If you mess
with Mr. Booze
276
00:12:44,614 --> 00:12:47,147
♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze
277
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,617
♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze
278
00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:52,698
♪ Don't mess with
B-double-O-Z-E
279
00:12:52,722 --> 00:12:56,157
♪ If you've been so stiff
they thought you died
280
00:12:56,226 --> 00:12:59,611
♪ You'll feel better
once you've testified
281
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:00,706
♪ Testify, testify
282
00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:02,230
♪ Oh, yeah
283
00:13:02,298 --> 00:13:04,381
I want to testify.
I want to testify.
284
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,170
Well, then,
cleanse yourself, my son.
Cleanse yourself.
285
00:13:07,236 --> 00:13:09,537
One time, I took
a library book out,
286
00:13:09,606 --> 00:13:12,540
and I fells asleep reading it,
and I left it under the bed.
287
00:13:12,609 --> 00:13:15,310
And I forgot about it
for three and a half years.
288
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:17,545
I was gonna take it
back on Amnesty Day,
289
00:13:17,614 --> 00:13:20,147
but on Amnesty Day,
I had a sip of rose wine,
290
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:22,050
and I never made it
out of the house.
291
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,780
♪ Who's to blame?
♪ Who's to blame?
292
00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:25,464
♪ What's his name?
♪ We know his name
293
00:13:25,488 --> 00:13:27,855
♪ His name is Mr. Booze
294
00:13:27,924 --> 00:13:29,190
♪ Mr. Booze
295
00:13:29,259 --> 00:13:33,561
♪ Mr. B-double-O-Z-E
Don't ever choose
296
00:13:33,630 --> 00:13:36,347
♪ Any game you play
with him you lose
297
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:39,634
♪ So don't mess with Mr. Booze
298
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:42,237
♪ If your head feels
like it's two miles wide
299
00:13:42,305 --> 00:13:43,621
♪ Two miles wide
300
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:46,674
♪ You'll feel better
once you've testified
301
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:48,526
♪ Testify
♪ Oh, yeah
302
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:49,910
♪ Testify
303
00:13:49,979 --> 00:13:52,074
I want to testify.
I want to testify.
304
00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:54,549
Well, come forward,
dear brother, and testify.
305
00:13:54,617 --> 00:13:56,345
I used to be a soda pop guy.
306
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:57,947
Then I switched to the bottle.
307
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:00,249
Now I don't leave
my couch, and I've seen
every movie ever.
308
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:01,884
You name a movie, I've seen it.
309
00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:03,285
Meet Dave.
Seen it.
310
00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:04,820
The Eiger Sanction.
Seen it.
311
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,322
Donovan's Reef.
Seen it.
312
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,444
License to Drive.
313
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:08,708
Definitely seen it.
314
00:14:08,732 --> 00:14:10,509
♪ That's a shame
♪ What a shame
315
00:14:10,533 --> 00:14:12,028
♪ Who's to blame?
♪ For Corey Haim
316
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:14,335
♪ His name is Mr. Booze
317
00:14:14,404 --> 00:14:15,703
♪ Mr. Booze
318
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:19,907
♪ Mr. B-double-O-Z-E
You must refuse
319
00:14:19,975 --> 00:14:22,843
♪ You'll make
the obituary news
320
00:14:22,912 --> 00:14:26,113
♪ If you mess with Mr. Booze
321
00:14:26,182 --> 00:14:29,667
♪ If you've been so stiff
they thought you died
322
00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:33,104
♪ You'll feel better
once you've testified
323
00:14:33,156 --> 00:14:36,307
♪ Testify, testify
324
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:37,825
This man wants to testify.
325
00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:39,059
Very well, my brother.
326
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,995
Let us lead him on the path
of righteousness.
327
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:43,981
This poor gentleman
used to speak in long,
eloquent sentences,
328
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,261
but after years of drinking,
329
00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:47,568
he can only speak in short,
choppy utterances.
330
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:48,880
Why, at one time,
if you asked him
331
00:14:48,904 --> 00:14:50,182
who his favorite musicians were,
332
00:14:50,206 --> 00:14:53,007
he'd say Leonard Bernstein,
Johann Sebastian Bach
333
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,742
and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
334
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:57,412
But thanks to that
old devil hooch,
it's all changed.
335
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,492
Who's your favorite
musician, Ollie?
Cher!
336
00:14:59,516 --> 00:15:00,782
He doesn't even like Cher.
337
00:15:00,850 --> 00:15:02,667
♪ Now, alcohol makes
a big man small
338
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,380
♪ And can leadto a life of crime♪ Yeah!
339
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,931
♪ Demon rum
makes a gent a bum
340
00:15:05,955 --> 00:15:07,783
♪ And you cash inbefore your time♪ Yeah!
341
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:09,373
♪ Bootleg gin
puts you in a spin
342
00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:10,920
♪ Till you don'teven know your name♪ Yeah!
343
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,471
♪ You're a basket case,
flat on your face
344
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,006
♪ And there's only
one guy to blame
345
00:15:14,030 --> 00:15:15,074
♪ Mr. B-double-O-Z-E
346
00:15:15,098 --> 00:15:16,113
♪ Mr. Booze
347
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:17,598
♪ Mr. Booze
348
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:21,152
♪ Mr. B-double-O-Z-E
Don't ever choose
349
00:15:21,204 --> 00:15:24,138
♪ You will wind up
wearing tattered shoes
350
00:15:24,207 --> 00:15:26,657
♪ If you mess with Mr. Booze
351
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,776
♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze
352
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,010
♪ Oh, Mr. Booze
353
00:15:30,079 --> 00:15:32,080
♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze
354
00:15:32,148 --> 00:15:33,347
♪ Oh, Mr. Booze
355
00:15:33,416 --> 00:15:36,751
♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze
356
00:15:36,820 --> 00:15:39,870
♪ Don't mess with
B-double-O-Z-E
357
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,106
♪ 'Cause that spells booze
358
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:46,894
♪ And you're gonna
lose with Mr. Booze
359
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:49,129
♪ Oh, yeah
360
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:53,384
♪ Don't mess around
with Mr. Booze
361
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,752
♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze
362
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:56,865
♪ That's what he said, now
363
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:59,073
♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze
364
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:00,159
♪ Oh, Mr. Booze
365
00:16:00,226 --> 00:16:05,946
♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze
366
00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:09,016
♪ Don't mess with Mister
367
00:16:09,085 --> 00:16:11,051
♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah
368
00:16:12,789 --> 00:16:14,955
♪ Oh, Mr. Booze
369
00:16:15,024 --> 00:16:17,425
♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah
370
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:21,161
♪ Yeah! ♪
371
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:22,547
Wow, you guys.
372
00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:24,944
I'm impressed that
you're taking your
sentence so seriously.
373
00:16:24,968 --> 00:16:28,235
And I know that
the court will be happy
to hear this, too.
374
00:16:28,304 --> 00:16:32,039
Now, if you'll just
keep it down so I don't
get any more complaints.
375
00:16:32,108 --> 00:16:34,908
Sure. No problem, Joe.
Thanks for stopping by.
376
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,214
So what do you say, guys?
377
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,515
Should we take
this party to Denny's
378
00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,400
and hang out with the cast
of the high school play?
379
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,775
No. I think
I'm just gonna go home.
380
00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:52,477
All right.
You okay to drive?
381
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:55,057
Yeah, I'll be fine.
I'll crank the heat,
roll up the windows
382
00:16:55,081 --> 00:16:57,059
and blast the
Lullaby Channel.
I'll be fine.
383
00:16:57,083 --> 00:16:58,083
All right, take it easy.
384
00:16:58,151 --> 00:16:59,178
All right, you, too.
Get out of here.
385
00:16:59,202 --> 00:17:00,246
Hey! Like your jeans.
386
00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,270
Thanks.
387
00:17:01,337 --> 00:17:02,537
What size are you?
388
00:17:02,571 --> 00:17:03,849
Yeah, I don't think
we're the same size.
389
00:17:03,873 --> 00:17:05,534
Yeah, we'll figure
it out tomorrow.
390
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,441
Come on, Brian.
You ready to go home?
391
00:17:07,510 --> 00:17:10,578
No, Peter. I'm gonna
go meet Jenny's cats.
392
00:17:10,647 --> 00:17:12,367
What are you talking about?
You hate cats.
393
00:17:12,415 --> 00:17:15,416
I'm going to meet her cats.
394
00:17:15,485 --> 00:17:16,895
Jeez, all right.
Okay. All right.
395
00:17:16,919 --> 00:17:18,819
You don't have to get all...
396
00:17:18,888 --> 00:17:20,538
Hey, hey, CatDog, right?
397
00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:22,039
You're a CatDog.
398
00:17:22,108 --> 00:17:23,574
♪ Hey, CatDog
399
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,309
♪ CatDog
400
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,212
♪ CatDog ♪
401
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,948
Hey, where's...
You know, where's all
the poop go when the cat...
402
00:17:31,016 --> 00:17:33,917
In the CatDog,
when the cat poops...
403
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:36,019
What, does it come
out of the dog's mouth?
404
00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:37,455
And vice versa?
405
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:39,557
Oh, God.
406
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:43,026
That's some kind of living hell.
407
00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:46,714
That's some kind of
living hell, Brian.
408
00:17:46,783 --> 00:17:50,284
Okay, I got to go.
You have a good time
with Jenny.
409
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,916
Jeez. CatDog.
410
00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:09,387
What if they want
to marry different people?
411
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,922
You got a lawsuit
on your hands, that's what...
412
00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:13,424
That's what happens.
413
00:18:13,492 --> 00:18:16,087
All right, look,
let's get some music
going on in here.
414
00:18:16,111 --> 00:18:17,589
Where's the Lullaby Channel?
415
00:18:19,281 --> 00:18:21,281
♪ A gentle breeze
416
00:18:22,151 --> 00:18:24,452
♪ From Hushabye Mountain
417
00:18:26,288 --> 00:18:29,289
♪ Softly blows
418
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:32,125
♪ O'er Lullaby Bay ♪
419
00:18:41,237 --> 00:18:42,503
Please be Rosie O'Donnell.
420
00:18:42,572 --> 00:18:45,339
Please be Rosie O'Donnell.
Please be Rosie O'Donnell.
421
00:18:47,076 --> 00:18:48,609
Wait. Is it?
422
00:18:53,232 --> 00:18:55,749
Hey, hey, fatty, wake up.
423
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,534
What the...
What happened?
424
00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:04,091
You're dead, jackass.
425
00:19:04,159 --> 00:19:06,193
You died in
a drunk-driving accident.
426
00:19:06,262 --> 00:19:08,741
Oh, God.
Did I hold on to
the touchdown pass?
427
00:19:08,765 --> 00:19:10,965
What the...
What's wrong with you?
428
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:13,579
You know what?
I was so drunk,
my ghost is drunk.
429
00:19:13,603 --> 00:19:16,037
Look, I've been told
I can give you
another chance,
430
00:19:16,105 --> 00:19:17,850
but there's some things
we have to do first.
431
00:19:17,874 --> 00:19:19,618
What are you talking about?
432
00:19:19,642 --> 00:19:23,177
I'm talking about you
understanding alcohol
just a little bit better.
433
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:25,746
Peter, I'm gonna show you
where your life is headed
434
00:19:25,815 --> 00:19:27,614
if you keep drinking
as much as you do.
435
00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:37,007
All right, Peter.
Here we are.
436
00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:39,276
Well, everything looks fine.
437
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:43,564
All right, family.
Line up for cigar burns.
438
00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:55,770
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
439
00:19:55,794 --> 00:19:57,556
I'm your other son, MacCawber.
440
00:19:57,580 --> 00:20:00,097
Here for my cigar burn,
good sir.
441
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,526
Stewie, go on, get out of here,
442
00:20:01,550 --> 00:20:03,262
you stupid
"laugh and cry,
laugh and cry."
443
00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:04,602
What's the difference?
444
00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:11,515
What's this? This is
the bathroom at my work.
445
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:14,695
That's right.
And there you are in the stall
with your boss, Angela.
446
00:20:14,763 --> 00:20:16,080
What?
447
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,299
Oh, my God, Angela.
That was...
448
00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:20,634
That was...
That felt so good.
449
00:20:20,703 --> 00:20:23,170
All I want to do
is please you, Griffin.
450
00:20:23,238 --> 00:20:25,172
Well that was
a good idea you had
451
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,207
dunking your hand in the toilet.
452
00:20:27,276 --> 00:20:29,454
Oh, my God!
I wouldn't have
sex with Angela!
453
00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:30,522
She's disgusting!
454
00:20:30,546 --> 00:20:32,079
Not when you're drunk,
she's not.
455
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:33,492
All right, Death, I get it.
456
00:20:33,516 --> 00:20:35,849
I wish I'd never touched
a drop of alcohol in my life.
457
00:20:35,918 --> 00:20:37,618
Never touched a drop, huh?
458
00:20:37,686 --> 00:20:39,970
Well, guess what.
I'm gonna show
you that, too.
459
00:20:43,859 --> 00:20:46,076
Okay, get ready for this.
460
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:47,528
Hey, hey, hey, gang!
461
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:49,430
Everybody line up
for a "Triple H,"
462
00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:52,967
a hug, a handshake
or a high five, your call.
463
00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:56,019
Lois, hug, you got it.
464
00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:59,590
Stewie, hug, two in a row.
465
00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:00,824
Try for three, Chris?
466
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:02,359
No, high five.
467
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:05,529
Well, that's okay.
High five's great, too.
468
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,481
Meg, back to the hug.
All right.
469
00:21:07,550 --> 00:21:09,099
Hugs may win it today.
470
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:10,784
And we close with a handshake.
471
00:21:10,853 --> 00:21:14,305
And all in time
for my big bike ride
announcement.
472
00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:16,034
Who the fuck is this queer?
473
00:21:16,058 --> 00:21:18,692
That's you, Peter, alcohol-free.
474
00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:27,179
Hey, look,
there's Joe and Quagmire.
475
00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:28,246
Hey, let's have
a drink with them.
476
00:21:28,270 --> 00:21:30,004
You've never
touched a drop, Peter.
477
00:21:30,073 --> 00:21:31,505
You don't even know those guys.
478
00:21:31,574 --> 00:21:33,841
Those are your
friends over there.
479
00:21:33,909 --> 00:21:36,104
Hey, do you guys
mind keeping it down?
480
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,240
We're trying to have
a conversation here.
481
00:21:38,264 --> 00:21:40,748
Some people, gee whiz.
482
00:21:40,817 --> 00:21:43,918
Those are your friends
Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan.
483
00:21:43,986 --> 00:21:45,430
Do I at least call him Jon?
484
00:21:45,454 --> 00:21:47,187
No, he prefers Jonathan.
485
00:21:47,256 --> 00:21:49,418
Ugh! One of
those guys?
486
00:21:49,442 --> 00:21:53,027
How can Leno
get away with saying
such outrageous things?
487
00:21:53,096 --> 00:21:55,012
Doesn't he know
there are children watching?
488
00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:57,731
I know.
I said to my wife
just the other night,
489
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,034
"Enough with the boob tube."
Pardon my French.
490
00:22:00,102 --> 00:22:01,646
"But we are
turning it off."
491
00:22:01,670 --> 00:22:03,532
You know, guys,
and I really mean this,
492
00:22:03,556 --> 00:22:08,059
after 27 years of marriage,
my wife is still
the sexiest woman I know.
493
00:22:08,127 --> 00:22:09,694
Pardon my French.
494
00:22:09,746 --> 00:22:12,557
You know, I've started
taking a Bufferin baby
aspirin every day.
495
00:22:12,581 --> 00:22:14,782
It's improved my heart
one heck of a heap,
496
00:22:14,851 --> 00:22:16,595
I'll tell you that.
Pardon my French.
497
00:22:16,619 --> 00:22:18,480
This is even worse
than the other one.
498
00:22:18,504 --> 00:22:21,249
I mean,
it's cool I know French,
but, Death, this ain't me.
499
00:22:21,273 --> 00:22:22,790
What am I supposed to do?
500
00:22:22,858 --> 00:22:25,525
If I'm a drunk, I'm a jerk,
and if I'm sober,
I'm a douche.
501
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:29,963
Exactly, Peter.
It's called moderation.
That's the key to life.
502
00:22:30,032 --> 00:22:32,332
You don't have to give up
the booze cold turkey.
503
00:22:32,401 --> 00:22:34,635
You just have to be
responsible with it.
504
00:22:34,703 --> 00:22:38,789
You members of the human race
have the ability to send
a man to the moon
505
00:22:38,858 --> 00:22:41,224
and make Justin Long
a movie star.
506
00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:42,960
With that kind of willpower,
507
00:22:43,029 --> 00:22:46,063
don't you think you can
learn to put the bottle
down just sometimes?
508
00:22:46,132 --> 00:22:48,449
We did it with
Justin Long, didn't we?
509
00:22:48,517 --> 00:22:50,984
America said no,
but we kept at it.
510
00:22:51,053 --> 00:22:53,253
All right, Death.
I'll try.
511
00:23:06,602 --> 00:23:08,035
Well, we're home.
512
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,783
Thirty days of
sobriety and we can
finally drink again.
513
00:23:10,807 --> 00:23:14,091
Oh, for God's sake,
Peter, didn't you learn
anything from this?
514
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,475
Yes, I did, Lois.
515
00:23:15,544 --> 00:23:17,878
These are going in the garbage.
516
00:23:17,947 --> 00:23:20,564
But these
I'm keeping
for myself.
517
00:23:20,633 --> 00:23:22,032
Moderation, Lois.
518
00:23:22,101 --> 00:23:25,335
Wow, Peter. I never
thought I'd see the day.
519
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:26,970
Good for you.
520
00:23:27,022 --> 00:23:30,407
From now on,
half of every six-pack
I buy is going in the trash.
521
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:39,316
Hey, how come
we're the only animals
with poo that's white?
522
00:23:39,384 --> 00:23:41,051
I know. What the hell?
523
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:43,765
Right? We're not...
We're not eating
white stuff.
524
00:23:43,789 --> 00:23:45,489
Hey, you want something good?
525
00:23:45,557 --> 00:23:48,559
Just look for the containers
that say "KFC" on them.
526
00:23:48,627 --> 00:23:50,577
There's always
something good in there.
527
00:23:50,646 --> 00:23:51,957
Dude, that's birds in there.
528
00:23:51,981 --> 00:23:53,992
You're eating another bird.
529
00:23:54,016 --> 00:23:55,032
What?
530
00:23:55,101 --> 00:23:56,278
That's bird meat, dude.
531
00:23:56,302 --> 00:23:57,768
What? No.
532
00:23:57,837 --> 00:23:59,037
You're eating a bird.
533
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:01,255
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
534
00:24:41,213 --> 00:24:42,293
English - US - Line 21
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