All language subtitles for Family Guy - S09E06 - Brian Writes a Bestseller (Uncensored)-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Hi. Package for
Brian Griffin.

Oh, I can
sign for that.
Package, Bri.

Wonder what this is.

It's my book.

And there's a note
from my publisher.

"We are returning
all of the unsold copies

"of Faster Than
the Speed of Love."

You guys got a garage
or something?

We got like 300 boxes
of these things.

Wow, that's a lot of boxes!

This is so weird.

Look what they used
to pack your book in.

Shredded-up pieces of your book.

Okay, that's it, I'm finished.

What are you talking about?

I'm finished.
I'm done. It's over.

Clearly, I am not
meant to be a writer.

I have tried and I have tried,
and nothing has worked out.

I put my heart out there,
and it keeps
getting stomped on.

Well, that's it, no more.

I'm done writing.

What? Writing's
the only thing

that's giving
your alcoholism
any credibility.

Hey, you know, I just
thought of something.
Hold on a sec.

I bought a vase last week
and it's still in the box,

and I just want
to check to see
what they used to pack it...

Ah! It's your book!

Oh, my God,
this gets me so angry!

This ticks me off, so much!

Jeez.

Oh, man!

What? What is it?
Look at this.

The number-one book
on The New York Times
bestseller list

is Dream Your Way
to Spiritual Joy
by Pauly Shore.

This is why nobody
bought my damn book.

You know, this is what
they want. The Secret.

Chicken Soup for the Soul.
The Purpose Driven Life.

I tell you,
I could crap one of those
things out in a night.

I'm gonna tell Mom
you said "crap."

No, I mean it.
I could do it
in three hours

and idiots everywhere
would buy it.

Well, why don't you?

Believe me,
I would love to,
just to make a point,

but I've given up writing.

Yes, but you cared about
what you wrote before.

You don't care about this,
so what does it matter?

Well, you do have a point.

All right.
Maybe I will.

Oh, how fun.
Can I watch
you write it?

I don't know, Stewie.
I kind of like
to write in solitude.

No, no, I promise
I'll be as quiet
as a guy in a coma.

Ah! This is great.

I can finally be alone
with my thoughts.

Wait, I've got it.
Predator Versus Batman.

Why has no one done this?
I need a pen. Where's a pen?

Oh, right, I can't move.
That's okay, I'll remember it.

I mean, I can't forget
a million-dollar idea
like that.

It's even better than
the one yesterday
about the guys who...

Wait, I mean,
the woman with the...

What was it?
Was she a shape-shifter?

Damn it, I just had it.
All right, calm down.

At least
you've still got
Batman and the...

It was Batman Meets...

You got to be kidding me,
I just had it.

What was it, Batman Has a Son?

No, no, you fucking idiot.
No wonder your wife shot you.

And done.

There it is, Stewie.

Three hours, 27 minutes,
and I've got myself

one big steaming pile of book.

You want to hear it?

Definitely!
What are you
calling it?

Wish It. Want It. Do It.
Love it.

Thanks. Okay.
"Chapter One: Wish it.

"What are all the things
you want most in the world?

"Use the following blank pages

"to write down
all of your dreams
and desires."

Brilliant.
Make them do the work.

Yeah, why not?

You know,
if people want crap,
I'll give them crap.

And, you know, I have a friend

who might be able to help
get this published.

Wait, you have
a friend in publishing

and you never told me before?

He's kind of a new friend.

Who is he?

Yeah, I don't know
if you want to start
digging around in this area.

Let's just leave it at,
"He's a friend in publishing

"and he calls
on Thursdays."

Hey, Brian,
when you're done,
can I make a pirate hat?

Here, just take it.

I look awesome.

All right,
I got to go
to a wedding.

I'll see you later.

Oh, my God,
that is fantastic news!

I can't wait to tell him!

I know, I told you
the book was good.

Yeah, thank you so much, Don.

Um...

Red overalls,
a yellow shirt
underneath.

I don't really
have time to do
this right now.

Brian, they're
publishing your book.

You're kidding?
I can't believe it.

That's the worst thing
I've ever written.

Not according to
Penguin Publishing.

In fact, you're supposed
to call the chief editor.

Penguin Publishing.

One moment, please.

Sir, I have
a Brian Griffin
on the line...

Out. Get out!
Get out now!

All right, everyone,
I made a very special
breakfast

to celebrate Brian's
book coming out.

And... And...

It's a special breakfast
for me, too, right?

Why?

Because...
Because it is
the anniversary

of when I started
to eat vegetables.

Author! Author!

And Peter for eating healthy.

Lois, you didn't
have to go through
all this fuss.

What you got there?

This? It's just a copy
of Us magazine.

Can you believe it?
Wish It. Want It. Do It.
got three stars.

How hilarious is that?

It's not hilarious.
It's great, Brian.
That's a huge accomplishment.

Well, I helped
get the review in.

I called a friend
over at Us Weekly

who usually just
covers people with gross
amounts of children,

but now he's the book reviewer.

So hats off to both of us.

Well, nice going, Stewie.
You ought to be my publicist.

You know, I don't want you
to be offering me this

just because we're related.

I do have references
you can call.

You know, I spent a month

as Melanie Griffith's
loose skin holder.

Melanie!
Melanie! Over here.

You look beautiful.

Can't hold on much longer.

I should have stayed in bed.

Yeah, we're walking in now.

Make sure Tom Tucker
knows he has 20 minutes

and he is to only
talk about the book,

no personal questions,
all right?

Are you okay? You good?
You need anything? All right.

All right,
we're inside and there is
nobody here to greet us.

We have no idea where we are
or where we're supposed to go.

Wait, is that you
on the phone over there?

Is this...
This is us.
Look over here.

There we go.
He sees us.
All right.

Hi, thanks for coming.

Yeah, hello,
we've been here awhile.

Come on,
I'll show you
the green room.

And Mr. Griffin,
I just have to say,
I loved your book.

Well, thanks.
What's your name?

Sharhooz.
Oh, my God.

It'll just be a few minutes.

Excuse me, there's
something on the wall.

Now you have
exactly 20 seconds
to find us a room

with a white sofa,
a white table,

white hydrangeas and Fiji water!

Stewie, there's no need to...

Ooh! I said no gray M&M's.
These are all gray.

Don't worry, Brian.
I've got it
all under control.

You're a big canine star.

They should be treating
you like Spuds MacKenzie.

Man, I wonder
what he's doing now.

Now, ladies,
approach him slowly.
He can't really see anymore.

I've injected him
with the Viagra.

Now, I'm gonna
roll him on his back,

but you're pretty much gonna
have to do 100% of the work.

We're here with Brian Griffin,

local author of
the new bestseller
Wish It. Want It. Do It.

Am I pronouncing that correctly?

Uh... Yeah.

Now, what does that mean,
Wish It. Want It. Do It?

Well, it basically
just refers to the
steps necessary

for identifying
and achieving your
dreams and doing so

in as effective
and expeditious
a manner as possible.

Wow. And it's
nonfiction, right?

Yes, it is.

Now, which one is that?
I always forget.

Is that the one that
really happened or not?

Uh... Yeah.

Okay. So now...
So this is...
This is a true story.

Well, it's not
really a narrative...

Doesn't matter.
I'm hooked.

And we'll be
right back
with sports.

Okay, you're doing great so far.

Now I was just
texting with New York.

We're doing a whole thing there.

I booked your plane ticket,
and I specifically asked

that you not sit
next to an Asian.

Stewie, that's racist.
That's terrible.

I'm sorry, do you want me
to call back and change it?

Well, it's done now.
Seems like
a lot of extra work.

Okay, there's a book signing

at the Barnes and Noble
on Union Square at 5:00.

And then at 7:00
you're meeting
with a reporter

from In Style magazine
at Pastis.

I just want to warn you,
she's very heavy.

So be prepared for that.

Jeez, how heavy?

I don't know,
but apparently
heavy enough

that they felt they
needed to warn me.

Oh, look at this. Your book
is number three on Amazon.

Number three?

Well, who's number one?

It's that new biography
on Michael Jackson.

Come on, another one?

Unless it was written
by a 10-year-old's
rectum, who cares?

It doesn't say who
the author is, Brian,

but I would guess that
it's probably not that.

Well, Stewie, I can't tell you

how much I appreciate
all you're doing.

I mean, I have
been so happy with
most everything.

Oh... Most?

Yeah, don't even...
It's so tiny,
those other things,

it's not even worth...
Oh, my God, you're amazing.

I've been so thrilled
with how you're doing.

Great.
Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, checking in.
Brian Griffin.

You should usually do that.

You should check me in.

That's like
one of the things
I was talking about.

I just have to tell you,
I loved your book,
Mr. Griffin.

Thank you so much.
You made my day.

So, you still in school?

Graduating this year.

Well, we'll have to
celebrate while I'm here.

Okay,
well, I'll be right
back with your key.

She's so pretty, isn't she?

Yeah, you know.

Do you think she liked me?

I don't know.

How weird would it be
if she just showed up
at my room later?

Pretty weird, I guess.

Oh, my God, were you...
Were you
thinking of doing that?

Sending her to my room?

No, why?

Why? Were you
thinking of me
doing that?

I don't even know
what you're saying
anymore, man.

Just do whatever
you're thinking.

Man, crazy.

Hi, I just want to say
that I can't tell you

how much your book
has helped me.

Uh-huh.
What's your name?

It's Jan.

Okay, here you go, Dan.

Yeah, it's Jan.

Back of the line.
Go on.

Come back around,
he'll try it again.

Hi. Can you
make it out
to Kelly?

Well, hi there.
I sure can.

You know, I have to tell you,

Wish It. Want It. Do It.
Totally changed my life.

Well, you know,
that's what I set out
to do with this book,

so, you know, I got to tell you,

that makes me feel pretty great.

This is just a phone number.

I know, I know, my phone number.

Oh.

Yeah.

What do you think of that?

Um... I'm not sure.

Well, you know,
I'm sure for you.

Oh.

Yeah.
I see.

Yeah.

I'm a little creeped out.

Hey, congratulations,
somebody famous
now hates you.

Okay, so, that's
enough autographs,
I think.

Listen, I want
to thank you all
for coming down.

And remember,
wish it, want it,
buy it. All right.

Brian, settle down.

You're worse than that guy
from Penguin Publishing.

You want to get a book
published, don't you?

Well, yes.

Well, if you want to be
in black and white,

black and white's
got to be in you.

God, you know, Stewie,

I used to think that
John Lennon
was kind of a jerk

for saying The Beatles
were bigger than Jesus,

but now, I mean, it's like,
I'm not saying I am,
but I get it.

You know, now that
we have two minutes

to kind of let the dust settle,

I just want to say that
I'm really proud of you.

Hey, I'm proud of myself, man.

I mean, I think it's like...

You know,
I think everybody
has greatness in them,

but it's really
about having the courage

to just kind of
get inside your own head

and just kind of
poke around in there,
you know, and be like,

"Hey, oh, my gosh,
what's under here?

"Hey, what do you
call yourself?"

"Oh! Wisdom."

"Oh! Profundity."

"Oh! Truth."

"Hey, let's all just
go hang out together
between the covers of a book."

I love hearing
about your process.

Hey, enough about me.
This was a great meal.

Good, good,
I'm glad you like it.

They told me
everybody comes here.

Hey, there's Renee Zellweger.

Hey, Renee, how you doing?

Hey, Brian!

This is my agent, Richard.

Hey, good to meet you.
How's Bradley?

Renee dates Bradley Cooper.

Really great.
He's really found
his niche, you know.

He's really got the cheap,
forgettable lead thing down,
which is great.

That's fantastic,
'cause, you know,
I might bankroll this comedy,

and we need somebody
who's not that funny
and not that good looking,

and that you forget about,
the second you leave
the theater.

I think Bradley
would be
perfect for that!

Are you sure?
Because we really need
somebody who constantly seems

like they're about to be big,

but keeps not
actually being big.

Well, he'd really
want to see the script,

but I mean,
that's what
Bradley does.

I don't know,
we really need somebody,

who has not been the best thing

in anything
he's ever been in, ever.

I mean the kind of guy
who can get overshadowed

by Zach Galifianakis
or Ed Helms.

Well, of course,
I can't speak for Bradley,
but I really think

he'd want to be
considered for this.

Yeah, the thing is,
for this roll,

we need a guy who has
all the characteristics

that you would
describe as handsome,

but who is not actually
handsome himself!

Well, again,
only Brad can speak for Brad,
but this seems right for him.

Yeah, I think
he'd be right, too.

The problem is,
we'd like
to find an actor

who has been
given a lot of
chances to shine,

but who has never
actually shined.

Not one single time!

Well, I think he'd be...
I got to get back
to my dinner here,

but I think he'd be perfect!
And I really hope you keep
Bradley Cooper in mind.

All right, well, we got to go.

Hey.

They seemed really nice.

Get over here!

Is everything okay?

No, everything is not okay.

Can you figure out
what the problem is?

I don't... I honestly
have no... Oh, God!

How do you think I feel
walking out of the back room

of a restaurant and seeing
Renee Zellweger eating

in the front room
of that restaurant?

I am mortified.

Absolutely mortified!

You should know
better than this!

I told them who you were
when I made the reservation!

Look, I have written
a best-selling phenomenon!

I should be sitting
in the front goddamn room!

Okay, okay,
I hear you,
I hear you.

And I just
want you to know
that my only goal is

to be able to help you better.

And you being honest with me,

well, that's helping me do that.

So thank you.

Good.

Brian, are you going
straight back to the hotel?

'Cause I was gonna go back...

You know what, I'll just...
I'll take a cab.

Oh.

Well, at least it's not raining.

Hey, Brian, welcome home!

How was your book signing?

Jeez, Lois, could I have,
like, five minutes
to decompress, please?

It was a really horrible flight,

and I was sitting
next to a Japanese
guy who had a cold.

I swear, Rupert,
Brian has become
a monster!

That trip was sheer hell.

It was even worse
than visiting
my Russian grandma.

Come here, babupka.
Let me put your
fingers in my mouth.

I want to press my cold,
loose face onto
your warm, tight face

and breathe meat into your nose.

But now,
I wrap you
in sticky towel

and lay you in
bucket of beet juice.

Now I put herring
in bucket with you,
so you have friend.

You know what? I bet
my ways would seem
just as foreign to you.

Stewie,
I got a flea thing
going on in here!

Where the hell's my Frontline?

Oh, my God!
Brian! Brian!

Brian, look at this!

I got you on
Real Time with Bill Maher!

You're kidding?
That's awesome, Stewie!

Great job!

"Great job,"
so you know that phrase.

What's that?
What?

What phrase do I know?

Bill Maher! Whoo!

Okay, so the topic
is going to be,

"Should God play
a role in politics?"

Oh, and here's
your heartworm pill
wrapped in baloney.

Stewie, the point
of the baloney is

that I don't know
the pill is there.

Why am I standing
under an air vent?

Um... Because...

Because that's where...
"Because that's where..."

I...
"I..."

Because...
"Because..."

Well...
"Well..."

I can...
"I can..."

You...
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, Mr. Griffin,
we'll be ready
in five minutes.

You'll be on the panel
with Arianna Huffington
and Dana Gould.

Wait, wait.

My publicist told me
Christopher Hitchens
would be on the panel.

No, we told him
Dana and Arianna
two hours ago.

I did my prep research
on Christopher Hitchens.

I am so sorry.

I am done with you.

Do you hear me? Done!
Get out of here now!

Brian, please.

You're fired!

Yes, but I think
the more important
question

that sometimes gets ignored

is what about
the separation of
church and state?

Well, Bill, see, I think...

Actually, Dana,
if I may, if I may,
I have some insight on this.

Bill, do you mind?

Go, dog.

Well, it just so happens
that separation of church
and state

is something
I'm actually gonna cover

in my next book,
God. Period. Damn it.

What does that mean?

Well, if I can expand on this.

For one thing,
"In God we trust"
is on money.

Now, what does that tell you?

Tells me Americans
will get all Christ-y
about any sort of stupid shit.

So what?

I think what's
actually alarming
is the fact that

all this kind of
pseudo-spirituality

is being peddled
to the American people

in books that have,
really, less substance
than an issue of TV Guide.

That's a good argument.
It's a very good argument.

I agree. I agree.

Really? Because I read
Wish It. Want It. Do It.

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed!

Gosh, next thing you know,
both of you guys
are gonna tell me

that it changed your lives.

Uh...

Yeah, I didn't read it.

Hey, so you're the guy.

It's actually...
It's actually very popular.

Well, it may be popular,
but I have to say
I agree with Arianna.

I think it's actually
quite harmful.

Did you...
When did you say that?

I just did.

I'm sorry, maybe
'cause it sounds

like you're talking
with a mouthful of syrup,

I just didn't get it.

Hey, fuck you, man.

Actually, I mean, it seems
that these sort of books

tend to pander
to the laziest
kind of self-help

within the narrowest
socioeconomic range.

I mean, yeah,
you can wish it,
and you can do it,

but only if you have
the educational advantages,

the societal advantages
that, like, what,

5% of the country has.

Well, yeah,
you forgot "want it,"

which is such
a big part of the book.

I mean,
but you know,
then again,

you just said
you haven't read it,
so, you know...

Actually,
since I said that,
I did read it.

And that's another thing,
I have to say,

aren't "wish it" and "want it"
really the same thing?

I mean, your book

basically makes three points,

and two of them
are the same point.

Well, you know, I mean,
it does seem to be helping

a lot of people, Bill.

Well, "help" is a strong word.

How does this help people,
like,
with cancer or in Darfur?

Well, I mean,
it's not really for them.

It's for, like,
if you want a car.

How does this
help you get a car?

Well, I mean,
it doesn't with
that attitude.

I mean, you have...

You have to do some
of the work yourself.

That's why there are
50 blank pages.

That's why I keep it
by the phone.

I think what this is,
is simple exploitation

of the American people
who could be using the money

that they spend to buy this book

to actually buy
something useful,

like legitimate healthcare
that they actually need.

You know, what the hell's
your problem, Zsa Zsa?

What is your problem, Snoopy?

Look,
what it comes down to is that
these false promises of, like,

a quick fix
to any and any problem
that you would ever have,

what books like these
suggest is actually damaging

to a large, gullible segment
of the population.

Yeah, aren't you
a sitcom writer?

I'm an author.
I have contributed
to the zeitgeist.

Do you even know
what "zeitgeist" means?

If I didn't know
what it meant,
I wouldn't use it, Dana,

which is a girl's name,
and I'm...

And you know,

I'm not gonna give you...
I'm not gonna give you

the definition right now
just for your satisfaction.

You know, Brian, I don't think
you're in a position, really,

here to pull rank on anybody.

I mean, yes,
Dana has made
a career in comedy.

I don't think
he's ever done anything
as laughable as this book.

Look, all right, well...

What do you want?
I wrote it in a day.

Listen, Bill,
I am such a big fan of yours.

I think you're totally getting
the wrong impression of me.

I was just trying to write
something that would sell.

I think it's crap, too.

Wow. If I had
even one shred

of respect for you
before this,
it's gone now.

I mean, if you're gonna
take a dump on people,

the kind of steaming,
stinking, smelly dump

that your kind traffics in,

at least stand by your dump.

Okay, look,
I'm happy to do that.

I'm just... I'm just...

Look, what I was saying...

Look, just tell me
what you want me to say!

Bill, he's urinating!

Oh, shit!
That's it!

Look, Bill, can I just...
Outside.

No, no, no, outside!
Outside now!

Outside!
You get outside!

Knock-knock.

Hey, Stewie.

What do you want?

I just
want to talk to you about
everything that happened.

Um...

You know,
you were the only person

who believed in me
when I was down.

This all happened so fast,
and I lost sight of who I was.

I mean, you know, sure,

you were in a little
over your head, but...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I was in over my head?

Yeah, but, Stewie,
this isn't about all
the things you did wrong.

It's about me apologizing.

Okay, then apologize.

I just did.
No, you didn't.

You just said
it's about me
apologizing.

That's not actually apologizing.

All right, Stewie, I'm sorry

that I made you uncomfortable
and put you in a situation

that you clearly
couldn't handle.

Okay, okay, there it is again.

What the hell?
Stop with that!

You're right. You're right.
This is about healing.

This is not about
how many things you
messed up along the way.

It's about how badly
I reacted to them.

So, I'm sorry about
how badly I reacted
to your many errors.

That's as good
as it's gonna get,
isn't it?

Pretty much.
You can't write.

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