All language subtitles for Family Guy - S09E02 - Excellence in Broadcasting (Uncensored)-ing

What's wrong with the TV?

Nothing, Chris.
All the shows
are in widescreen now,

so you can see all
the stuff on the sides
that you couldn't before.

We now return to
The Brady Bunch.

See, look.
Here's what
you used to see.

Good night, Mike.
Good night, Carol.

And here's the stuff you missed.

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane can't be with us today.

Where is Diane, Ollie?
She dead!

Thanks, Ollie.
Yes, Diane is
no longer with us.

She was shot by
an unknown assailant,

after she herself committed
a series of gruesome murders.

I'd like to welcome
our new co-anchor,
Joyce Kinney.

Welcome, Joyce.
Thanks, Tom.

Wow, you sound crazy nervous.

In local news,

there was a hit-and-run
by a drunk driver
today at Quahog Park.

Two children are missing.

I was just there.

Oh, boy.
Don't let Brian see this.

It says here that Rush Limbaugh

will be signing books
at the Quahog Mall.

I have very good hearing!

He's awful.

But I thought Rush Limbaugh
is a fictional character
played by Fred Savage.

Where'd you hear that?
Fox News.

Then it's a lie.
Everything Fox News says
is a lie.

But this one's true, Mom.
You saw it
with your own eyes,

and then you reported it
on Fox News.

Even true things,
once said on Fox News,
become lies.

Why's Limbaugh coming here?

Don't they have bookstores
at the Nazi fascist...

Fascist fat camp where he...
Where he go...

Where he...
Where he is
a counselor?

I tell you what,
Brian, if you want,

we'll give you
another crack at that.

This guy single-handedly

set political discourse
back a hundred years.

Hasn't the right wing done
enough damage to our nation

with the war, and torture,

and the wholesale violation
of our civil liberties?

I mean, you know, back me up...

Oh, and the economy, right?

Back me up on this, you know?

I've got to scratch my joint.

I say, Chris,
there may be something

to this pastime of
manual self-stimulus.

They all laughed at me.

Let's see where this goes.

Wow! It went right there.

You know what?
I'm gonna
go down there

and give that bastard Limbaugh
a piece of my mind.

But first, I'm gonna
sit here and stare at
this brown paper bag

I'm pretty sure has food in it.

No!
Oh, well.

Look at him.

His side screwed up
our country for a generation.

I hate everything
about that man.

I'm gonna go tear him a new one.

I'm gonna go find some
hardcover photography books
of tasteful nudes.

Oh, my God,
yes, that is tasteful.

Hey, my friend,
who should
I make this out to?

Yeah. Make it out to Charmin,
because that's how
I'm going to use it.

"Charmin."
Is that with an "S-H" or...

Wait a minute.
That's not nice.

You're saying my
book is fecal matter.

No, actually,
I'm saying it's toilet paper,
but listen, Limbaugh,

my name is Brian Griffin
and I have got something
to say to you.

Our republic has
been bastardized

and royally screwed up
thanks to you jackasses.

You suck!
And you're terrible!

And you've been
divorced several times.

Yes, valid points
you're raising,
my friend,

and I respect you
for raising them.
But may I ask you a question?

Okay.

Have you ever read
anything I've written?

Well, no, I haven't.

But I've read things
other people have written

about the things you've written,

and I do not approve
of the things
I've read from others

about the things
they've read from you.

Not one bit, sir.

For crying out loud,
Brian, read my book.
Judge for yourself.

I'd sooner spend a night
watching European porn.

Stupid right wing dick.

Yeah, you...
Hey, you want to
sign my book?

Yeah, you can sign my ass book.

Is what would've
been awesome to say.

Oh, no.
It's a multiracial TV gang,
including white guys.

Well, well, what do we got here?

Let's beat him up,
but not because
of his color,

'cause that
doesn't matter to us.

Wow. Thanks, Rush.

It was nothing.

I mean, you'd have done
the same thing for me.

Uh, yeah, of course.

Hey, you dropped something.

You think you might
give it a read now?

Uh, well...

What if I stick
a piece of baloney
in the book

and I don't tell you which page?

Would you read it, then, Brian?

Would you read it
to find the page
with the baloney?

Okay, look,
I'll read four pages
of your book tonight.

All right?
Four pages. That's it.

And maybe more
if tonight's episode
of The Office ends up sucking.

Four pages.
Done. Moving on.

I know my staplers
by sound and by weight.

And that stapler,
good sir, is a Schrute.

Look
at John Krasinski
look at the camera.

He can't believe this guy!

Aw, but there were gonna be
more high jinks in Scranton.

Scranton.
Dunder Mifflin.

Funny words are funny.

Oh, my God. Rush Limbaugh
was right all along.

Conservative Republicanism
is the answer.

Good.
Good for Brian.

Brian, look at this.
Now, this is
a tasteful nude.

It's called "A Saucy Outing
In Tottenham Court Square."

Brian, are you reading
the new Rush Limbaugh book?

Yeah, I picked it up
at the mall yesterday.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but this might be
the best book
I've ever read.

Brian, you got to be joking.

No, I mean it, Lois.

You know, I've never
actually read any of
Limbaugh's stuff,

but this book
makes an excellent case
for personal accountability,

fiscal responsibility,
and steak eatership.

But you're a hardcore liberal.

Rush Limbaugh is
a right wing extremist.

He stands
for everything
you despise.

My loyalty is to reason, Lois.

And as a reasonable person,
I reserve
the right to change my mind

when presented
with new information
that alters my perspective.

And I got to tell you,
I had this guy all wrong.

I mean, some of the stuff
in here is... Hey, baloney!

Thank you, friends.
It's always a pleasure

to meet regular, real Americans.

Love the Hummer, Rush.
How do you like it?

It is the best.

I'm not saying
you'd have to be gay
to drive something else.

But if you drive something else,

you're probably a guy who likes

to pleasure other men sexually.

Hey, it's my new friend, Brian!

Hi, Rush.

Listen, I have to tell you,

I read your book
and it was
very persuasive.

I knew you'd like it,
and I'm glad
you enjoyed it,

Brian, I really am.

Oh, I more than enjoyed it.

Every page just spoke to me.

And, you know,
talking to you now,
I just...

I want to find
the right words to describe
how much I agree with you.

I got the words, Brian.

"Thank you, Rush,
for doing
my thinking for me,

"'cause I lack the ability
to think critically
and independently."

Yes, that!

You should be proud
of yourself, Brian.

I mean, you sound like
a thoughtful American.

Well, listen, I'd really love
to pick your brain some more

and hear some of
your other thoughts

about what's going
on in this country.

I can do even
better than that, Brian.

Wow.
Never thought

I'd set foot
inside Republican
National Headquarters.

This is amazing.

And it gets better, Brian.

Come on,
I'm gonna introduce you
to some of my pals here.

Brian, meet
George W. Bush.

Hey, Georgie!

Uncle Rush!

Hey! Ooh,
you are getting heavy.

I know. I'm 64
and three-quarters.

You sure are, slugger.

Hey, you got one for me?

What? What are you
talking about?

Oh, come on, Uncle Rush.

I don't know what
you're talking about, really.

Come on!

Oh! Wait a second.

Yay! Yippee!
Thanks, Uncle Rush!
Don't tell my dad.

Rush, you're not
giving him sweets,
are you? God damn it.

What's the harm?

He's going to be
pooping all over
his Spider-Man sheets

and I'm the one
who's going to
have to deal with it.

Hey there, Rush.
How you doing?

Hey, John.

Hey, I'd like you to
meet my friend, Brian.

Brian, John McCain.

Gosh, it sure
is a pleasure,
Mr. McCain.

How do you two know each other?

Oh, Rush and I used to
solve mysteries together
back in the day.

I don't understand, John.

The groundskeeper said
he saw the mummy
burning the flag.

But mummies don't hate America.

They sure don't, Rush.
But Democrats do.

Ruh-roh.
Remocrats.

Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog.

But I think it's time
we unravel the mummy
and the mystery.

I don't get it, John.

How's a pig
gonna help us
lure the mummy?

Rush, I've never known
a Democrat
to pass up pork.

Gotcha!

Now let's find out
who you really are.

It's old man Barney Frank!

And I would have
gotten away with it, too,

if it weren't for you
meddling Republicans.

Thanks for
all your help,
Globetrotters.

That was a cold swish.
Put her there.

No, no, no, no.

Look, Brian, all I'm saying is,

it's not normal
for people to change
their political views

so radically overnight.

Lois, no offense,

but you don't exactly know
what you're talking about.

I mean, you're not exactly
a fountain of
political knowledge yourself.

You want to know
what I think
is happening here?

Oh, this should be
rich and overtaxed.

I think you just got to
be in the "out" group.

Whoever's on top,
whoever's in power,
whoever's successful,

you got to be on the other side

or you don't feel like
the smartest guy
in the room.

All you are,
my dear,
is a contrarian.

Oh, please,
you could not be
more off base.

Oh, yeah? Let me ask,
what did you think
of the movie Titanic?

Horrible.
One of the worst movies
ever made.

How about Slumdog Millionaire?

Overrated.
Just a terrible movie.

Cocktail.

Actually, not a bad film.

You know,
as classically
structured cinema,

Cocktail was one
of the best films
of its era.

You make me sick, Brian.

Look, Lois, if I were you,
I'd stow that attitude,

because Rush Limbaugh
is coming over
for dinner tonight.

Lois, this dinner
looks delicious.

Oh, well, thank you.

Dig in, everyone.

Hang on, hang on.
I think you're forgetting
the grace, Lois.

Dear God who definitely exists,

we, your people,
who have been on
this planet for 6,000 years

and not a second more,
wish to thank you
for this bounty,

and for keeping Congress
predominantly white

through Christ our Lord, amen.

So, Rush,
I see you made it
here okay

driving on roads
built with public funds,
by the government.

Yeah, what about that, Rush?

I guess the government's
pretty good,
like Lois says.

Actually,
I took the toll roads.
Privately built.

Way smoother
than the crumbling
public road system.

Yeah, Lois.
Government sucks
at doing stuff.

Oh, no, toll roads sound great.

Too bad only the very rich
can afford to use them.

I agree with Lois.

Well, maybe more people could

if the government
wasn't taxing
the bejesus out of them.

Now I agree with Rush.

I'm too stupid to
make up my own mind.

Yeah, okay.
Whatever you say, Rush.

Hey, Rush, who'd win
in a fight between
you and Oprah?

You know, actually,
it was a draw.

We destroyed most
of downtown Tokyo,

and then she just
walked sadly back
into the sea.

So, nice weather today.

Yeah, unseasonably cool.

I guess we can forget
that whole
global warming myth.

Global warming is not a myth,
you son of a bitch!

Look, what the hell
are you so hostile for?

Because you brainwashed our dog.

Hey, listen, sister, I just...

I'm sorry.

Look, all I did was expose Brian

to a different way of thinking.

He embraced... Oh, God,
I'm gonna move over here.

He embraced it on his own, Lois.

Well, after Rush opened my eyes,

I am seeing the world
in a whole new way now.

To quote
a famous troublemaker,
"I have a dream..."

♪ I dream of
Republicantown

♪ Where men to
the right of the aisle
Don't back down

♪ The streets are aglow
with the smell of apple pies

♪ And babies
come out of the womb
in coats and ties

Nice place, huh, Rush?

It's a paradise, Brian.

♪ Trees grow
from Republican sod

♪ And everyone prays to
a proper right-wing god

♪ Republican Catholics?

♪ Yes, indeed,
there are

♪ Republican Muslims?

♪ Well, let's not
go too far

No Muslims?

Nah, too many tall buildings.

♪ They've outlawed
all abortions

♪ Late or early

♪ It's a sin
we can't abide

♪ What if you find
a fetus left abandoned?

♪ We just take it
and we jam it back inside

♪ Oh, yes, 'cause I
dream of Republicantown

♪ The place where
the happiest smile
is Cheney's frown

♪ I'll bet you a buck
you won't find
a damn thing wrong

♪ 'Cause when
you come down to it,
this is where we all belong ♪

Who else lives here?

Oh, big names, Lois.

♪ We're watching
Republican stars

♪ Like sweet Mickey Rourke
and his gorgeous
right-wing scars

♪ Chuck Norris is one

♪ And he's got
a right-wing beard

♪ Jon Voight
is another

♪ He's just
right-wing weird ♪

His daughter's
pretty hot, though.

At one time, Brian.
At one time.

♪ But how about
global warming?

♪ It's a snow job

♪ By Obama
and his crew

♪ But aren't
all his findings

♪ Backed by science?

♪ Careful, Lois,
now you're sounding
like a Jew

♪ We dream
of Republicantown

♪ Where Clinton is viewed
as a crazy commie clown

♪ A place where America's
growing free and strong

♪ 'Cause when
you come down to it,
this is where

♪ We all belong ♪

Well, I got to tell you,
I'm not buying
any of this crap.

Rush, we want our dog back.

Hang on, Lois.

What are you saying?
I don't have
a mind of my own?

That's insulting.
And you know what?

I don't like the way
you've been talking
to Rush this evening.

You know, I thought
you were my friends.

But if you can't accept me
now that we disagree
about certain things,

then maybe you aren't
the friends
I thought you were.

I'm moving out.

What?
No!

Again?

I'm gonna go stay
with Rush Limbaugh.

Right, Rush?
Huh?

I'm gonna stay with you.

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure.
That... That's fine.

Oh, this is a bad idea.

But I guess sometimes
Fox has bad ideas, huh?

Let's all just sit here
for a moment

and remember that
this was a thing.

Morning, Rush.

Hey, thanks again for
letting me stay here.

Oh, it's not really
any trouble, Brian.

What do you figure,
just a few days?

Man, who knows?
It's just so good
to be out of there.

Hey, you know,
I've been reading
all your books

and I so 100% agree with you.

I mean, what is going on
with this country?

I mean, wake up, America.

I mean, these taxes, right?
I mean, am I right?

About the taxes?
You know?

Yeah, taxes are pretty high.

Is that a new coffee machine?

Oh, yeah, I took the liberty
of replacing your old one

with a new,
American-made
coffee machine.

In fact, I got you
a bunch of new, top-notch,
American-made stuff.

What else did you buy?

Oh, a couple things,
that light fixture,

new heat regulator
on your stove,
your man-bra,

your garbage disposal,
your dishwasher,

and your new cat.

And you're listening to
the Rush Limbaugh Show.

I want to take a moment
to give a shout-out
to my good friend Ken Lay,

faked his own death,

listening in on a ham radio
somewhere in
international waters.

Smooth sailing, Kenny boy.

Hey, Rush? Is it okay
to hang out in here?

All right, fine.
Just don't say
anything, okay?

So, friends,
we were talking
about Nancy Pelosi.

How do we stop her?
How do we stop
the Pelosi agenda...

Hey, I'll tell you how.

You strap her to a board,
put a cloth in her mouth,

and pour water over it
to simulate drowning.

Yeah! Small government!

And why don't
we take a short break
here, folks.

We'll be right back.

Brian, are you nuts?

What the hell kind of show
you think I'm doing here?

What? What are you...
Come on.
Pelosi's a monster.

And she's addicted to crack.
Come on,
you're with me on this.

Of course she's
addicted to crack,
but you can't just say that.

You got to lead people there
with an intelligent argument,

so they arrive at it
on their own.

Hey, come on, man.
We got to tell people
how it is.

We got to get them
on board with us.

Brian, look,
there is no victory
unless people know

why they were wrong
to disagree with you
in the first place.

Boy, do you sound soft.

What the hell's
your problem, Brian?

My problem?

Right now,
my problem seems to be

that I am talking
to a Pelosi-lover.

What?
Yeah, that's right.

You love Pelosi.

You know what?
It's time for you to go.

Right now.
Hey, fine.

I don't have to sit here
and waste my time
with a softie.

You call yourself a Republican?

Republicans don't
shy away from a fight.

And I'm gonna prove it to you.

Aha!

Who are you?
How did you get in here?

Shut up, Pelosi.

Are you here to take my baby?

No, I'm here to
strap you to a board,

put a cloth in your mouth,
and pour water over it

to simulate
the sensation
of drowning.

Yeah! Traditional values!

Griffin, you been bailed out.

Oh, Rush, thank God.

Boy, you got down here quick.

Yeah, I keep
Strom Thurmond's corpse
in the front seat,

so I can use the carpool lane.

Oh.

Okay,
well, come on,
let's go home.

Great idea.
Time for you to go home.

Home to the Griffins.

What do you mean?

That's where you belong, Brian.

You're not
really a conservative.

What are you...
That's not true.
I am conservative.

I support the death penalty
to show people
that killing is wrong.

And that's great, Brian.

Look, I make
a living persuading others
to join my side.

But I'd never,
ever want somebody
to be something they're not.

You're a liberal, Brian.

I mean, what about
that four-year-old that
was executed in Texas?

There was a four-year-old
executed in Texas?

Not really,
but you see, Brian,
your concern betrays you.

I know your type.

It's not a coincidence
you turned your back
on your democratic principles

just when the Democrats
became the
political establishment.

All you want is
something to fight against.

I mean...

I suppose we shouldn't
be executing children.

You see?
You're not really
one of us.

Oh, my God...

Lois was right.

Right there.

See, the fact that
you would give a woman
credit for anything,

it means you're
a liberal, Brian.

It's time for you
to spread your
two left wings and fly.

Does this... Does this mean
I'll never see you again?

Oh, I'll be around.

Wherever there's
a rich white guy

in need of another tax break,
I'll be there.

Wherever there's
a brain-dead woman

in need of
expensive life support
her husband doesn't want,

I'll be there.

Wherever there's a country
that needs to be invaded

for reasons that
don't exactly pan out,
I'll be there, too.

Oh, yes, I will be around.

Hey, Limbaugh.

I think you're a boneheaded,
fascist,
corporate-shilling blowhard.

Look, you little smartass,

I think you are a godless,
socialist, pot-smoking,

maggot-infested member
of the blame-America-
first crowd,

and I think you want
the terrorists to win.

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