All language subtitles for Family Guy - S08E19 - The Splendid Source (Uncensored)-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Hi. This is Peter.

Don't get scared that
you can hear my voice,
but you can't see me.

This is the story
of a great adventure

that happened to me
and some of my pals.

It all began innocently enough,

with my stupid wife showing me
some dumbass brochure.

So, here's where we'll
all be staying this weekend.

You and I will have one cabin,

and Bonnie
and Joe and Quagmire
will have the other two.

Oh, this is going
to be so much fun!

Hi, Chris.
How was school?

Not good.
I got suspended
for saying bad words.

For God's sake!

My principal wants
to meet with you guys.

Should we go?
It sounds like a trap.

Yes, Peter, we should go.

All right,
but if it's a trap,
and we don't come back,

I get to make smart-alecky
remarks when we're tied up

back-to-back, like last time.

Any more bright ideas,
Professor?

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
the reason Chris was
suspended

is that he told a very
inappropriate joke
in class.

Well, Principal Shepherd,
we promise you it won't
happen again.

I don't know where
Chris heard the joke,

but I can assure you,
it wasn't at home.
Was it, Chris?

No, Mr. Quagmire
told it to me.

Oh, I should have figured.

Was it the one
where the blind man
walks by the fish market

and says,
"Good morning, ladies?"

I told you that one!

You told me that one.

I sure did.

We enjoy each other's company.

Well, I suppose
if I have your word
that this won't happen again,

we can allow Chris
to return to school.

Well, I promise you,
my husband will have
a talk with Quagmire.

Won't you, Peter? Peter?

Mr. Griffin,
don't touch that.
That's the school PA system.

Attention, student body.

You will
now listen as I attempt
to swallow this microphone.

Peter!

I did it!

I did it!

That was all that noise.

I did it.

Hey, Quagmire,
you know you got
Chris suspended from school

for telling one
of your dirty jokes?

Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry.
You want me to talk to him?

Well, no, actually,
I want you to tell
me the joke.

Yeah, tell us the joke.

You want to hear it?
All right.

So, this chick meets
a guy at a bar, and...

P.S. Your vagina's
in the sink.

Oh, God, I crapped my pants.

It's funny when it
happens to other people.

Ugh! That's the end
of those underwears.

I didn't know what to do,

so I took them off and
hummed them at the wall,

and they started sliding down
like one of them sticky
octopuses.

Well, it's a pretty funny joke,

you know,
when you think about it.
Your vagina's in the sink.

Damn it!

Wow. He poops every time
he hears that joke.

Yeah.
He does, doesn't he?

Get out of here, Quagmire!
I just put on clean pants!

Who's texting me?

Damn it!

Stop it, you guys!
You're ruining all
my clothes!

Can I see
your driver's license
and registration, please?

Is there a problem, Officer?

Is he telling it?
Yeah.

Damn it!

Fuck you guys!

Okay, Quagmire, he's asleep.

Peter!
You just crapped
all over the bed!

When you poop
in your dreams,
you poop for real.

Hello, fellas.

Hey, Pete. Hey,
those are my pants.

That's right.
Thought I'd come by and see
if you have any jokes to tell.

I enjoy a joke.

I don't know.

I want
to tell the joke,
but I like those pants.

I'll tell the joke.

Go ahead, Joe.
I'm all anus.

Joe, don't you dare.
I'll push you
straight into traffic.

Peter, you win.
All right, I won't
tell the joke anymore.

You know,
I gotta admit, Quagmire,
despite all the problems,

that joke is
freaking hilarious.
Where'd you hear it?

Bruce told it to me.

No way Bruce
came up with that.
Where'd he hear it?

I don't know.
Probably just around.

I mean, where does
any dirty joke come from?

Hey, now, Joe's right.
There's a million of them.

They gotta be
coming from somewhere.

Somebody's got to be
making these things up.

Well, who?
I don't know.

But haven't you
ever wanted to
find out?

Well, yeah,
but how would
anyone do that?

A quest, Joe.

We go on a quest
to find the source of
the world's dirty jokes.

Who's with me?
Well, I'm with you.

What the hell? So am I.

And so began our journey
to find the splendid source

of off-color humor
as we know it.

Our first stop was to see Bruce.

Oh, hey.
What size shoes is y'alls?

Actually,
we're not here to bowl.

We were wondering where you
heard that dirty joke
you told Quagmire.

Oh, that one? Oh, no.

I'm not
going to tell y'all that
one here at the workplace.

Too dirty.
Maybe after
quitting time,

I'll have a mimosa
and tell y'all then.

Look, you blade,
just tell us who
you heard it from.

It turned out the joke
already had quite a history.

Bruce had heard
it from Consuela.

Consuela heard it from
Mayor West.

West heard it
from Dr. Hartman.

Hartman heard it from Angela,

Angela from Opie,
Opie from Herbert.

Herbert heard it from
Tom Tucker.

Tucker heard it
from Bender on
Futurama,

oddly enough, for some reason.

Bender heard it
from Al Harrington,

Harrington from REO Speedwagon.

♪ Heard it from a friend who

♪ Heard it from a friend who

♪ Heard it from another ♪

REO Speedwagon
saved us several stops,

as they, too,
had backtracked
the joke to some extent.

But when their trail had led
to a bartender in Virginia,
they had given up,

much the way the world
had given up on them.

In fact,
just to kick them
a couple extra bucks,

here's five seconds
of Time for Me to Fly.

No, don't!
All the money goes
to my bitch ex-wife!

Can you play our song?

Okay, lead singer from Asia.

We can't go to Virginia, Peter.

Bonnie and Lois planned
that couples' weekend
to Maine.

We're supposed to
leave in the morning.

Yeah, Peter,
we've looked long enough.

Maybe the joke
doesn't have
a source.

Don't be stupid.
Somebody had to
have made it up.

And we're going to find out who.

Besides,
this will be
way more fun

than hanging out
in Maine with the wives,
sitting around a campfire,

listening to Lois
tell grocery stories.

"Oh, Peter,
you should have been there.

"Uncle Ben's converted
brown rice was on sale.

"They marked it down
from $12 to three..."

Whatever. I don't
know how much rice is,
but you know what I'm saying.

Okay, Peter,
I've got the directions.
Head north on the turnpike.

That's going to be
the quickest route
to Maine.

Sure, Lois.

Say, ladies,
I was wondering
if you could tell me,

what was childbirth like?

Oh, Glenn, you have no idea.
It's something no man could
understand.

Think of
the most intense
pain you've ever felt

and imagine feeling that
for hours.

Well, and then,
by the eighth month,

I had hemorrhoids that
hung like bunches of grapes.

And then, they said
I was four centimeters
dilated.

They didn't think
I was far enough,

but I was like, "I can
tell you I'm far enough."

And that's when Chris was born.

Gosh,
that's all so fascinating.
Let me ask you something else.

Have you girls
ever worked in an
office with other women

who you have
negative things to say about?

Oh, God, yes.
Oh, my God.

Quagmire, shut up.
We're here.

You drove us to Virginia?

All right, look, we're
sorry we deceived
you girls,

but this is important.

The trail leads to
a bartender who
works here.

He could be
the source of
the dirty joke.

Hi, there.
What can I do
for you gentlemen?

We've traveled a very long way
to find out where you heard
this joke.

Oh!

I remember that.
I heard it from that guy.

Cleveland?

Hey, fellas.

Holy crap!
Who knew we'd
run into you here?

Except everyone, if Fox
ruined it in the promos.

What a surprise this is!

Donna,
it's so nice of you to
invite us to stay here.

Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure.

I don't think we've seen
you folks since the wedding.

Still waiting on that gift.

The gift was the show.

Nah, she doesn't know
what she's talking about.

It's great to
have y'all down here.

Hey, you know,
Cleveland, you better hide
the markers from your kids.

Somebody colored in your Jesus.

Somebody colored in your ass
with too much ass, fat-ass.

All right, Cleveland,
let's get down to business.

Who told you the joke?

A bellhop at
the Royale Hotel
in Washington, DC.

I met him when
I took Cleveland Jr. there
to see the Lincoln Memorial.

But then
Daddy got frustrated
'cause he couldn't find it,

so we just
ate fast food
in the parking lot.

I'm just saying,
maybe put up
a damn sign.

Anyway,
the bellhop's
name is Sal Russo.

He knows every
dirty joke ever written.

Then that's the guy
we got to talk to.

Everyone, don't get too used
to being around black people,

'cause we are going to
Washington, DC.

Now, wait a minute, Peter.

Donna's been nice
enough to invite us
to stay the weekend,

and frankly, that sounds
better than continuing
this wild-goose chase.

Well, Lois,
if you and Bonnie
want to stay here,

maybe Cleveland could join us.

Yeah, it'd be
just like old times.
What do you say, Cleveland?

Oh, I don't know.
I've kind of got
my own life now.

All right, if you have
a sudden change of heart,

and you want to chase us
down the street as we're
pulling away,

you know where to find us.

Okay, guys, I got one.

Would you rather
get a massage from a man, or
surgery from a female doctor?

Wow.
Like, minor surgery?

No, serious surgery.
Like a blown kidney
or something.

Geez.
Good question, Peter.

Is the man gay?
No.

Is the female doctor
at least Jewish or Asian?

No, but, actually,
you know what?

I'm going to
take it up a notch.
Hispanic female doctor

or gay male masseuse?

Hispanic from Spain?

No.

So, it's basically, would you
rather get a massage from
a gay man or die?

All right, I got another one.

Let Amy Winehouse
spit in your mouth,

or eat a raw slice of
Anderson Cooper's ass?

Sign me up for Cooper.

What the hell?

What the hell
was that about?
Who were those guys?

I don't know,
but I'll tell you this.

I saw one of them back
in the bar in Stoolbend.

You think they
were following us?

Either that,
or they got a grudge
against our back windshield.

Joe, that's so dumb.

Why would anybody
be trying to kill us?

It might be safe to assume
that someone does not
want us to learn

the origin of that joke.

We had no idea how
right Cleveland was.

And if we had known
what lay ahead,

we would've
stopped right there, and
gone straight back to Quahog.

But we didn't know.

We didn't know.

There it is.
Washington, DC,

the seat of government for
the world's former most
powerful nation.

Wow, those are all the
monuments I read about
in school.

There's the Washington Monument.

There's the Obama Monument.

And there's the
Vietnam War Memorial.

Yeah, check out
that Vietnamese guy

giving the business
to those Vietnam vets.

Scoreboard!

Scoreboard! Aw!
What happened
to your friend?

Hey, I know that guy!
I kill him!

He cry like a bitch!
Vietnam, undefeated!

All right,
this is the hotel
where the bellhop works.

Hey, there he is. Sal!

Well, hey, Cleveland!
What are you doing here?

I was wondering
if my friends and I
could ask you a few questions.

Yeah, where'd you hear
that dirty joke you
told Cleveland?

That's none of
your business.
Leave me alone!

Don't let him get away!

Hop on!

Where did he go?

I think he went that way,
past the Reflecting Pool!

Damn! He's nowhere in sight.

I'll ask these fellas.
Maybe they've seen him.

Excuse me, have you seen...

Hold on a second.
I'm trying...

Hold on a sec. Hey, pal,
stop talking while I'm
talking, all right?

You want a sandwich
full of knuckles?
Do you?

All right, that's it.
Cleveland, you take
Cleveland.

Joe, you take Joe.
Quagmire, you take Quagmire,

and I'll get Fatty McLoudmouth.

It's no use, Peter.

We've lost him.

Our journey
had abruptly ended, and
the trail had gone cold.

Well,
I guess we're never gonna
find the source of that joke.

I guess
there's nothing to
do now but head back home.

Stop right where you are!

Down on the ground!

We were all terrified

that this would prove to be
an unexpected end to
our journey.

But little did we know,
our journey was
far from over.

All right, did you get
the parking validated?

Ugh! No.

That was the
whole reason we walked
through Crate & Barrel.

We'd been captured,
tied up, and kidnapped.

And as if
that weren't bad enough,
we found ourselves on a plane,

headed to
an unknown destination.

Where the hell
are they taking us?

I don't know,
but I got a bad feeling.

Ah! Every plane, every plane,

there's gotta
be a crying baby and
a mother ignoring it.

Yes, he's crying.
Babies cry.

After flying for
what seemed like hours,

we found ourselves approaching
a strange island
on the horizon.

What the hell is this place?

It is that
which you have
been seeking, gentlemen.

Who are you?

I am the dean.

The dean of what?

The Dean
of the Secret Order
of Dirty Joke Writers.

Wow.

So, these are
the people who write
all the world's dirty jokes?

Indeed they are.

Hey, isn't that Stephen Hawking?

So the housewife
tells the plumber,

"Okay, you cleaned my pipes,
now get to work on that sink."

And there's Bill Gates!

Is there some joke area of
a beaver eating a woodpecker?

Is that something?
Would that work?

And there's Warren Buffett.

So, the gym teacher says,
"How'd you get the two
black eyes?"

She says,
"I don't know."

Oh, I forgot to say
she's got two big jugs.

Wow.
These are some of the
world's smartest people.

Not a lot of women.

Yeah, not a lot of women.

What are they all doing here?

Well, many of the
world's greatest geniuses
secretly devote themselves

to coming up with
the world's dirtiest jokes.

It's been that
way for centuries.

Great men such as Ben Franklin,

Charles Dickens,
Albert Einstein.

Shakespeare, of course.

I got a spear you can shake.

Ha! There you go,
put that in one
of your jokes.

Let me show you around.

From this room, we can see
the entire world's
joke supply.

This way we can tailor jokes
to where the need is greatest.

Sir, we have
a best man giving
a toast at a wedding,

and he is just bombing.

Put it up on the screen.

Jim's so clumsy,
it's like he's got two
left feet and left hands.

Permission to go to the
"Bride is a whore" file, sir.

Permission granted.

Anyway,
if Sheila was a road sign,
it would read "Open Trench."

Well, gentlemen, I hope
you've enjoyed the tour
of our facility.

This was amazing!
Guys, we did it!

We found the source of
the world's dirty jokes!

I can't wait to
tell all the guys
back at the Clam!

Oh, I'm afraid
that's quite impossible.

What do you mean?

Well, you've seen
our secret island.

You know about
our network of joke
distribution agents,

like the bellhop.

We can't allow
the secret to
be revealed.

I'm afraid
you must stay here
for the rest of your lives.

What are we gonna do now?

We gotta come up
with an escape plan.

Hey, guys,
I can see the plane
that brought us here!

If we can
figure out a way to get
to it, I can fly us home!

I got an idea.

One of us
should pretend we're hurt,
and when the guards come in

to give him
medical attention,
we'll jump them.

That's perfect, Joe.

Hey, Cleveland, you
got a pencil on you?

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

Oh, wait, here you go.
Thanks.

What the hell?

Hey, help, help!
We have an emergency!

You dick!

What's going on in here?

This man has been injured!
He needs medical attention!

Come on.
Let's get out of here.

All right, let's hurry up
and find a way out!

Well, well, it's quite clear
the four of you are going to
be a problem.

Kill them.

My God, I've done it.

After 80 years of
work and research,

I have written the
greatest dirty joke in
the history of mankind!

Give me that!
Not on your life!

Take one step closer,
and the paper gets it.

Drop your guns!
Do as he says!

Put it out!
Put it out!

Oh, my God!
It's heading for the first
dead baby joke ever written!

Look what we did.

We destroyed a place that
brought joy and laughter
to the entire world.

Is that the end
of all dirty jokes?

Well, maybe it is.

But Peter's got
the best one ever
written right there.

Read it, Peter.

"Guess what? Chicken butt."

That's it?
That's the joke?

No, this is the joke!

Now take me back to Virginia,
so I can put some Bacitracin
on this

and pork my wife!

It was a great adventure.

And it was great having
Cleveland along with us again.

He hasn't changed a bit.
Didn't grab one check.

Anyway, that's our story about
the splendid source of all
dirty jokes.

For those of you
who stuck around
till the end,

you deserve a reward.

So here's some
footage of an ape
scratching himself.

See, the March of Dimes wanted
this air time to talk about
cancer kids or something,

but I was like,
"No way! Monkey scratch!"

Well, Peter,
I'm glad you and the guys

finally found what
you were looking for.

We did.

It's just sad that
230 people had to die

in the most
gruesome way imaginable.

But our idle
curiosity was satisfied,
so everything worked out.

Peter, you went
halfway around the
world for this joke,

but I never even got to hear it.

Yeah, me neither.

Yeah, come on, Dad,
tell the joke.

All right, you guys
wanna hear it?
All right.

So, this chick goes on a date
with this guy that she wants
to fuck,

but she's worried 'cause
she's got, like, a huge
vagina

from fucking so many other guys.

So, she gets
a piece of liverwurst, and
shoves it up in her vagina,

so that
when he fucks her,
it'll feel tighter.

Peter, maybe this
isn't family conversation.

No, wait, Lois,
shut the fuck up.

So, she puts the liverwurst
in her vagina,

goes home with the guy,
fucks him, everything
seems fine.

She wakes up the next morning,
and he's gone.

And he's left her a note
that says,

"Thank you for a lovely evening.

"However, I don't think
this is going to work out.

"P.S. Your vagina
is in the sink."

Now, I'm gonna leave the
room now as I have just
shit myself again.

ENGLISH - US - LINE 21