All language subtitles for Family Guy - S08E16 - April in Quahog (Uncensored)-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story tonight,

scientists at NASA

have made a fascinating
new discovery.

The first directly
observable instance

of a black hole,
which appears
to be located

just outside our solar system.
Tricia Takanawa has the story.

Tom, I'm standing here
with Stephen Hawking,

the first white man
I've ever met who knows
math better than me.

Mr. Hawking,
what does the discovery
of this black hole mean

to you and your research?

I am overjoyed.

This is the crowning
achievement of my career.

It validates the work
of a lifetime.

It certainly does.
Back to you, Tom.

All right. We're clear.

I'm telling you, man,
this shtick is getting so old.

That chair smells, dude.

Hey, Steve, surf's up!

Bitching!
See you, Ching-Chong.

Everyone, guess what.

What?

I have been selected.

For what?

Oh, nothing too important.
Just jury duty!

They have summoned me.

I am part of an elite
group of individuals
deemed intelligent enough

to decide the fate
of a fellow citizen.

Ah, the amused laughter
of the envious.

They don't just pick
anybody for this job.

Yeah, they do.

Brian, perhaps I have
not made myself clear.

I have been entrusted to
pass judgment upon others.

Everybody gets
called for jury duty,
you stupid idiot.

I've been called!
The only reason you've
never been called

is that they use the
voter registration list,

and this past election
is the first time
you ever voted.

I've voted before.
I stuffed the ballot
box at the Oscars.

And the nominees
for Best Actor in
a Leading Role are,

Grover, Bluto from Popeye,

a red guy,

a boob,

and Daniel Day-Lewis.

And the Oscar goes to...

A red guy!

Wait a second.
You're saying that everyone
is asked to do jury duty?

Yes, Peter.

So, then,

I'm not special?

Everyone's special, Peter.

Rock drummer Tommy Lee!

And if your wife
ever tells you that
you're not special,

punch her really hard
right in her hepatitis.

Thanks, rock drummer Tommy Lee!

Hey, and you know
what else is cool?

Having sex with sunglasses on.

I've got a lot of
things to try now!

I don't want to go to jury duty.

Turns out it's not
a special honor at all.

It's lame.
And the worst part is,

they try and trick you
into getting excited

by putting "duty" in the title.

So, you were excited
when you thought

there was fecal matter involved?

What the hell is
"fecal matter"?
Waste.

Huh?
Doodie.

Peter, jury duty is an important

cornerstone in our
democratic society.

Yeah, that's what
separates us
from the monkeys.

That, and the armed
guards at the zoo.

Man, they got some
sexy monkeys down there.

I don't care.
Jury duty sounds boring.

I'm gonna get myself kicked out.

Just like I got
kicked out of Coldplay.

Guys, guys, I got an idea.

How about we do a song
that's not whiny bullshit?

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

We're gonna ask you a series

of questions to determine
whether or not you can be
impartial jurors.

First off, do any of
you have any prejudices

you feel the court
should know of?

Yes, you sir.
Ants.

I hate ants.
What?

That's right.
You heard me.
I'm an ant-hater.

Just like my daddy,
and his daddy before him.

So, if this is
an ant trial, forget it.
No way I'm gonna be fair.

Always making those
cocky little hills.

Moving around all
single file and stupid.

All ganging up
and walking my pie
off the picnic blanket.

'Twas my pie gone missing!

Sir, this is not an ant trial.

Oh!

Is there anything else
we should know about?

Oh, have you not heard?
Heard what?

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
B-Bird's the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird

♪ B-Bird's the word,
a-well-a... ♪

All right, now the
prosecution is about to
show you items pertinent

to this case that
have been entered
into evidence.

It is vitally important that
you look but don't touch,

as any fingerprints
could contaminate them.

Exhibit A, one bloody Slinky.

Oh!

Exhibit B,
one semen-covered
View-Master

with the reel of
the Grand Canyon,

and a blood-splattered
Mr. Potato Head,

and these socks you really need.

All right, everyone,
we're going to take
a 10-minute recess.

I would like to remind
members of the jury

that you are forbidden
to discuss details of the
case outside the courtroom.

Hey, how about this trial, huh?

And all its details.
Let's discuss them.

He said not to!

Hey, you know
how the judge told us

not to make up
our minds beforehand?

Let's make up our minds.

Griffin, shut up!

Hey, I know the judge
said not to run in the hall,
but check this out!

Griffin! Knock it off!

Hey, come on, Judge.
Tell us the answer.

The Mexican guy did it, right?

We now return
to How Henry Kissinger
Met Your Mother.

I was walking with my professor,

when I saw this woman who was...

Stewie, can you please move?
You're blocking the TV.

No! And I'll thank you
to quiet down.

I'm playing action figures.

Prepare to be bested
on the battlefield, Lion-O.

Oh, I don't think so,
He-Man. Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I punch you
too hard?

Yes, I suppose
you don't know
your own strength.

Look at your muscles.
Stop it.

You're the one
with the sick abs.

God, my mouth is watering
just looking at you.

Yeah, that's right.
You buy your kids

ridiculously homoerotic dolls
and then ask what happened?

Yep. Your gay son
is on you, buddy.

Explain that to your god.

Off to another day
of jury duty, sweetie?

Yeah, and it sucks.
Even the vending machines
are out of order.

I don't want to go back
to stupid jury duty.

There's got to be some
way I can get out of it.

This is Tom Tucker
with some breaking news.

NASA has made the
alarming announcement

that the newly discovered
black hole at the edge

of our solar system
appears to be expanding.

Neptune and Pluto have
already been consumed,
and scientists estimate

that the event horizon
will reach Earth by tomorrow.

That's right, Tom.
Which means that
all life on Earth

will be destroyed
within 24 hours.

Oh, my God!

Mom, is this for real?

Well, it sure looks
that way, sweetie.

It's the end of the world.

Holy crap.

Seems like
I've run out
of waiting time.

But it looks like
Nicole Ritchie's baby
is gonna be just fine.

Also in the news,
the doomsday clock

is ticking with less than
19 hours to go before our
planet is consumed

by an expanding black hole.

As Americans everywhere
face their last day on Earth,

one can only imagine
how they're spending it.

Hey, Mort.
Now that the end of
the world is here,

I just wanted to say
no hard feelings, huh?

Psych!

Embedded in the hand.
Yeah, you see,

it fits in there 'cause
there's a hole in it.

Have fun where you're going.

Well, it's become clear.
The only way to avert this
disaster is by writing

a strongly-worded letter
to the black hole.

"Dear Space. Well, you're just
full of surprises, aren't you?

"You think you're so good
'cause you went to Choate.

"Well, you're not
gonna be so tough

"when I put a fish bowl
on my head and a rocket
pack on my back,

"and come up there
and punch you."

Take that, Orion.

That's right. All you are is
a failed production company.

Joe, Joe, you got to help me.

You got to help me get laid!

What are you
talking about,
Quagmire?

I got to get laid!
You got to help me
get laid!

I've never had sex!
What do you mean?

You've had sex a million times.

Oh, that's all bluster.
I just talk big
for the fellas.

I'm a virgin, Joe!
I don't want to die
a virgin!

Help me, please!

Let me have sex with Bonnie.

I guess so. For my friend
on our last day on Earth.

You're a good man, Joe Swanson.

How was your first time?

I've had sex lots of times.

I just wanted to have it again.

Fuck you.

Who else but Quagmire?

Well, Diane,
now that our time
is almost up,

just to lighten the mood,
we introduce a new feature

called Tom's Crank Calls.
Let's dial that number,
shall we?

Hello, is this Megan Fox?

I will kill you,
do you understand?

If I can't have you,
no one can.
I will kill you.

This is Tom Tucker.

Well, I know who you are.

It's fun
to see how people react
when they're on the spot.

Look, since
these are our final hours,
I want you kids to know

how much your father
and I love you

and how important
this family is to us.

Oh, I'm scared.
I wonder what
it's like to die.

I don't know,
but from the look
in a stray cat's eyes

when you're pushing
on its windpipe,

I think it's pretty terrifying.

Like, panicky.

Hey, Brian, what do you
think is gonna...

What was that?

You were praying.

Come on. No, I wasn't.
Yes, you were.

You were praying.
I saw!

No, man. It was a joke.

You were praying!
It was a goof!

I was goofing on you!

You're disingenuous.

Hello, everybody.
This is Montecore.
He's my lion.

I have a lion now.

Peter, what the hell?

You know,
I went to the zoo last week
and asked if I could do it,

and they told me to scram.

Went to the zoo this
morning with a shotgun,
and now I have a lion.

Does it bite?

Of course it bites.
It's a lion.

Peter, get off the lion.

We should spend
some time together
as a family.

I don't think so, Lois.

But the world is ending.

We should be
spending these final hours
with the people we love most.

Lois, a day ago,
I was stuck on jury duty.

Today, I have
a golden ticket to do
whatever the hell I want.

I feel like an old guy
who's reliving his
youthful shenanigans.

Tell me about when
you were young, Grandpa.

Oh, Sonny,
those were crazy times.

My friends and I
were out of control.

We used to give
each other wet willies
and funny arms.

We'd play dandy-balls
and legs-a-spread
and penis-butt.

Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa.

It was gay!
Everyone was!

But, back then,
we were called
"pole fancies."

It was real good, old-fashioned,

grab-the-nearest-tree
-and-hold-on-for-dear-life
gay,

not today's fancy,
featherbed,
thread-count gay.

People got hurt back then!

That's gay.
Yeah, it was pretty gay.

What the hell are you
doing with a musket?

Last day on Earth.
I've always wanted to save
a Native American family

from rapacious cavalrymen.

Yeah, this one'll do nicely.

Let her go.

You don't have to be
afraid of him anymore.

Stay with us
as the countdown
to doomsday continues

with just six more hours to go.

The only thing
that's nice about this

is even though
it's a Tuesday, it feels
kind of like it's a Friday.

Peter, where are you going?

Last day on Earth,
last chance to do this.

I'm going
into the inner city, and
I'm gonna yell the "N" word.

They respected me for saying it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
this is it, our final minutes.

Any moment now,
the Earth will be sucked

into the gaping maw
of the black hole.

We here at Channel Five
would like to leave you
with some highlights

of mankind's brief existence,
like the Battle of Hastings.

Guys, if we win this,
we get Hastings.

Yeah, let's do it!
Let's go!

All right, Hastings!

The Ottoman Empire.

I could get used to this.

You know what?

This is what I want
our empire to be about.

The first television broadcast.

And with only 30 seconds to go,

we thank you
for choosing Channel Five
as your Armageddon network.

Mom, where's Dad?

I don't know, Chris.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

Peter, where have you been?

Look, you try
scheduling
a haircut today.

You know, you'd think you'd
wanna spend your last day
on Earth with your family!

Hey, I'm here, aren't I?

With only seconds left.

Don't you love me?

Of course I love you, Lois!

You're the most
important person
in the world to me!

You promise?

I promise.

Ten, nine, eight...

I just hate being
around the kids.

What?

Six, five...

Sorry, I just thought
I'd be honest, since
we're gonna die.

Three, two, one.

April fools!

What?

You gotta be kidding me!

We're not gonna die?

No, we're not gonna die!

Wait, what did Dad just say?

Yes, April Fools!
We at Channel Five
News concocted

the whole black hole story
as part of our commitment
to being festive

around the holidays.

And with only 87 suicides

and widespread looting,
we think this was a pretty
successful practical joke.

You dicks!

Hey, how do you
like that, Lois?
We're gonna live!

Peter, what did you
mean by what you said?

You hate being around the kids?

Yeah, Dad, what did you mean?

Don't you like us?

Yeah, what gives?

Well...
Come on. I didn't mean that.
I was just joking around.

Hey, give me a big hug.
How about a big hug
for old Dad?

Kids, why don't
you go upstairs,
so your father and I can talk.

Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris.
Let's get out of here.

Well, I'm off to serve
food at the soup kitchen.

Now that I lived through this,
I have to keep
a promise I made to someone.

It's God!

Peter, what did you mean?

All right.
You want the truth?

They bore the hell
out of me, Lois.

Bore the hell out of you?

They're your kids!

I know, and I love them.

But don't you
just sometimes wish

they'd run away or get kidnapped

and be made to work
in a Temple of Doom?

How can you even say that?

Because, Lois. Meg tells
a story that makes you

wanna blow your brains out,
Stewie just sits there,

and Chris is always leaving
his Russian mice around.
Get out of here!

Okay, okay,
you don't have to yell.
Let us go find das vaginya.

Listen to you!
You don't know
your own kids.

That's the problem.
It's not them, it's you.

Me?
Yes, you!

And you know what?
You've hurt your kids worse

than any black hole could.

Lois, you're overreacting.

This'll all blow
over by tomorrow.

Morning, assholes.

I'm just kidding!
So what do we got,
pancakes? Cool.

Hey, what's on tap
for school today, kids?

Shut up, Dad.

Whatever. So, Chris,
how are all your
friends at school?

What do you care?
You don't even know
who my friends are.

Sure, I do. Um...

Chandler,

Fonzie,

and Remington Steele?

You got lucky, Dad.

So, Stewie,
how's everything
going in Legoland?

Pretty good.
I made a spaceship...

Wait a minute.
I'm not talking
to you.

Come on, guys.
Let's go eat in
the living room.

It stinks in here.

Oh, no, does it stink
'cause I farted?

'Cause sometimes
I can suck them back up.

I think we can make up
some of these losses
in the third quarter.

What was that?
What was what?

Nothing. I thought
I smelled a fart,
but now I don't.

Uh...

They're really
pissed at me,
aren't they?

Oh, look who's
starting to get it.

Peter, they heard you say
you hate being around them.

They know you have no interest
in getting to know them.

I mean, how would you feel?

Well, right now
I feel like a jerk.

Peter, if you really
do care about your kids,

you're gonna
have to earn back their
respect and affection.

How do I do that?

You gotta spend time with them

and make
their interests
your interests.

I guess
you're right, Lois.
I'm always screwing up.

Like that time with Jason Mraz.

Oh, my God!
You're Jason Mraz!

No, I'm not.
I'm just some
guy with a hat.

Yeah, that's who Jason Mraz is!

Hey, buddy.

What's going on?

You having your period?

What?

I'm just trying
to take an interest
in your interests.

My period's not an interest.

It's something
that happens to me

that I cannot control.

Gross.

All right.
I'm gonna go
talk to Chris.

Hi, Chris.

Hello, Peter.

You know, I was just thinking,

when I was your age,
my Uncle Roy
shared a beer with me.

I drank it,
and I was so excited,
I fell asleep.

I must have tossed and
turned something fierce,
'cause when I woke up,

my pants were off.
Never saw much of
Uncle Roy after that.

Turns out
we weren't
even related.

Anyway, I thought him
sharing that beer with me
was the coolest thing ever.

And I know nowadays,
things are different.

So, I got some crystal meth.

I figured
we could do it together,
as father and son.

I don't know about that.

Tell you what,
I'll get us started.

That feels...

That feels better.

You sure that stuff is okay?

All I know is,
the guys who
made it are dead.

Why is there
no hole in this wall?

You know,
this thing is
bugging me.

All right,
I'm gonna
take a hike.

So, you gonna
introduce me
to your pals?

That's Trap Jaw,
that's Optimus Prime,
that's Destro,

and that's a Care Bear.

You having a tea party?

No, we're working
out a land deal.

Trap Jaw is trying
to get a variance

to build an unpermitted
structure within ten feet
of Optimus Prime's

property line.
Destro is the
city councilman

who's telling Trap Jaw
that he has to file it
as an accessory structure,

and even then,
it can only be built
at the rear of the lot.

And the Care Bear
is just a Care Bear.

I am so fucking ready...

I don't know, Lois.
I tried my best.

I don't know what else
I possibly could've done.

Peter, you're just
gonna have to do better.

Somehow you've gotta
let those kids know that
they matter to you.

I'll try, Lois.

Kids, come in here!
Your father's got
something to say.

Look, I know you kids
ain't too happy with
your dad right now,

but I hope at least
you can
see that I'm trying.

I know sometimes
we don't get along
with each other.

Hell, if we weren't all related,

this'd be the worst
table at the wedding.

But we're part of a family.

And I'm still your father.

And I promise I love you.

Well, then how come
you said you hated
spending time with us?

Look, I may not have said
exactly what I meant.

But I can still be your dad,
even if we don't have any of
the same interests.

So what do you say?
Are we a family again?

I don't buy it.
Me neither.

When you jumped
through my ceiling,
you let an owl in.

I know they're
supposed to be wise,

but all it did was
shriek and poop out
half-digested mice.

Well, then, I guess
there's only one thing
I can do to regain your love.

Who wants a brand-new Xbox?

Yay!

Oh, Daddy!
Oh, my God!

You're the best father ever!

Oh, Daddy!

Well, I guess
if you can't earn
your kids' respect,

you can always buy it.

There's some awesome
stuff in the garbage.

Dad, can we please
have a turn at the Xbox?

Just a second, Meg.
I'm still trying to
get the hang of this.

Okay, guys, tell me again.

Now, which one do I
press to shoot now?

Damn it! Crap.

Who's the douchebag
who keeps dying?

I'm not
a douchebag. I'm new.

Look, if you're no good,

why don't you just
go hide till the end?

All right, I'll go
crouch behind the...

Is this a crouch button?

Who
dropped a grenade?
Idiot!

- Learn how to play!
- Moron!

You suck!

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