All language subtitles for Family Guy - S08E10 - Big Man on Hippocampus (Uncensored)-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

And now
our feature presentation,
Lawrence of Arabia,

presented in its original,
ultra-cinemascope
letterbox format.

Well, I can't see anything.

Who's the
rather attractive
girl on the camel?

That's Peter O'Toole.

You film buffs might enjoy this.

Both his first
and last names are
slang for "penis."

We interrupt this program
to bring you exciting news.

Family Feud will be
coming to Quahog.

Auditions are
being held tomorrow
at the Civic Center.

Also, six million
German Jews
suddenly show up.

Find out where
they've been at 11:00.

Family Feud's coming to Quahog?

Peter, we should try out.

A family can win
$5,000 on that show.

$5,000?

I could get that cave
for the front yard
I've always wanted,

and then tell people
not to go in there.

Hey, you kids
stay out of that cave!

You don't know what's in there!

Money well spent.

We're looking for fun,
interesting families

that viewers will want to watch.

You folks have any
interesting stories?

Lois, tell him about
the whole stitches thing
when Chris was born.

Never mind, I'll tell it.

Lois' vagina was so wrecked
they had to sew it up,

open up a new vagina
right next to it.

You know, kind of like
when they build a new bridge

next to the old bridge,
and you're like,

"Wow, I can't believe
I used to use the old one.
Looks so unsafe."

All right,
enough clowning around.

Let's talk turkey.
We want to play the Feud.

Well, you're in luck.

The other family
we've chosen has
three daughters,

so we're picking you
because you have three sons.

But I'm not...
Shut up, "Greg."

It's time for the Family Feud.

Introducing
the Callaghan Family,
ready for action.

And the Griffin Family.

On your marks,
let's start
the Family Feud!

With the star
of Family Feud,
Richard Dawson!

Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, you're lovely.

I haven't heard
that much applause

since Bob Crane premiered
his home movies in my closet.

All right, let's play the Feud.

One hundred people surveyed,
top four answers on the board.

Here's the question.

Name something you find
in your bathroom.

A sink.
Show us "sink!"

Peter, three answers
on the board that
can beat that.

Name something you find
in your bathroom.

Find in your bathroom,
find in your bathroom...

Richard, I'm gonna go with
"fetus in the toilet bowl."

Show us "fetus in
the toilet bowl!"

Play or pass?
We're gonna play.

Oh, this must be
your lovely wife.

Uh-uh.
I've been waiting
for this for years.

I want you to wear me
like a pinky ring.

Okay, Lois, name something
you find in your bathroom.

Okay, how about "bathtub"?

Okay, name something
you find in your bathroom.

A razor blade and a note?

Ooh, that's a strike.
Can't do anything but
take that personally.

Young Chris Griffin.
So, what are your
hobbies, Chris?

Masturbating.

We should form a club.

All right, name something
you find in your bathroom.

Me, masturbating.

All right, show me
"him, masturbating."

All right, you've got
two strikes, Callaghans.

Name something
you'd like to
receive as a gift.

Candy?
Show me "candy!"

Wait. We're out?
You said if I slept
with you...

All right, Griffins,
here's your chance
to win the game.

Name something
you'd like to
receive as a gift.

Groceries!
Assorted lotions!

An Uzi!
A dead squirrel!

Money!
All right, good answer,
good answer!

Very good!
Good answer!
Bingo!

Well, Richard,
my family seems to think
money's the way to go,

so I'm gonna go
with the flute that
Captain Picard played,

first in his imagination
and then in real life,

in the episode "The Inner Light"

from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

What? No, you idiot!
We said "money!"

Show me "Picard's flute!"

Peter, how did you...
I was in the survey.

Can you believe it?
We're going to
the bonus round!

Okay, Lois,
15 seconds on the clock.

Name something you sit in.

A chair.
My own feces.

Name a popular fruit.

Orange.
Clay Aiken.

Something in your closet.

Shoes.
Scary monsters.

Your favorite holiday.

Christmas.
9/11.

Something you do
on the weekends.

Go to church.
Black guys.

All right,
"Something you sit in."
You said, "Chair."

Survey said...

Wait a sec.
I said "feces."
Where's my answer?

You're just
going to pretend
I'm not here, huh?

Just like
Robin Williams' agent
pretends he's still funny.

Hello?
Hey, Phil,
it's Robin Williams.

That's hilarious!

I just wanted to make sure
the meeting is still on
for 2:30 tomorrow.

Otherwise, I gotta go
to that Chinese dentist.

Get it?
Tooth hurty?

You son of a bitch!

I had a mouthful of coffee!

God, you are funny,
and that is real!

Okay, Peter, Lois did great.

You only need
one point to win
the $5,000.

Twenty seconds.
Name something
you sit in.

Chair.
Try again.

Big chair.

No, that's
the same thing.
Try again.

High chair.
That's still a chair.

Chair.
Say something
other than "chair."

What if I can't
think of anything?
You can pass.

How do I pass?
Just say it.

Say what?
Say "pass."

Chair.

I'm sorry, your time
is up, and you didn't
score enough points.

But thank you for playing.

What, that's it?
We lose?

I'm afraid so,
but we enjoyed
having you here.

You son of a bitch!
What about my cave
in the yard?

What about my cave in the yard?

Get your hands off me.

I served in the
fictitious military.

Peter! Oh, my God,
are you all right?

What happened?
Where am I?
Who are you?

I'm Lois.

Lois who?
Who the hell am I?

Uh-oh.

Mrs. Griffin,
I'm afraid your
husband has amnesia.

Oh, my God!
Is it permanent?

Well, there's
no telling for sure.

His memory could
return in days, weeks,
years, or never.

Or weeks.

Peter, I want you
to meet your family.

You're my family?

That's right.
These are your children.

Dad, I'm Chris.
I'm your son.

Never seen you
before in my life.

Wow, then I must be invisible!

Hey, everybody, I'm invisible!

Oh, no,
you're not!
Hot diggity!

This is Meg,
your daughter.
D'oh!

No, Peter, that's not
your catchphrase.

Oh.

Sorry, I just don't
remember anything.

Dad, this is your
baby and your dog.

He doesn't remember us.

It's an opportunity
to come up with
our own names.

I'm Tomax and this is Xamot.

We're twins who can
feel each other's pain.

Ow!

No, Brian,
I'm supposed to say, "Ow!"
You ruin everything!

Ow.

All right, Peter,
we're gonna try
to jog your memory

with some old videotapes
of the family.

Boy, you got
a lot of tapes here.

I kind of want to watch
some of these instead.

Pretty Woman?
What's that?

It's just a movie from the '80s.

Oh, my God, we gotta watch this.

Look what they're
saying about it.

"As funny as it is touching.
Gene Shalit."

"I stood up and cheered,
'Go, Julia, go!' Joel Siegel."

"This movie made me
laugh so hard I had
mild headaches,

"so I went to the doctor
and got myself checked out.

"I'm currently
awaiting results.
Gene Siskel."

Everyone seems to love this.
We gotta watch it!

We'll watch it later, Peter.

I want to show you
one of the most
special times

of your life and mine,
our honeymoon.

I think
you've had enough, Peter.

You don't know.
Get away!

I know my body better than you!

Is that us?

Yes, Peter.
You were so handsome,

and it was such
a wonderful week.

Hey, buddy, I think
that girl likes me.

Of course she does.
She's your wife.

Do you like her?

I don't know!

You know,
this isn't gonna
be easy, you guys.

We're gonna have to
re-teach your father
everything he's forgotten.

Hey, have you heard
this awesome new song?

No!

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
B-bird's the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
B-bird's the word,
a-well-a... ♪

This is called
a telephone, Peter.

You use it to talk
to people who aren't
in the house.

There are others?

Yes, there are over
six billion people
in the world.

Here, I'll show you.
We'll call my parents.

Hello?
Hello.

Who's this?
Who's this?

Carter. Who's this?

I don't know.

Do you have
my OxyContin?
What?

Are you the guy?

I'm a guy.

I want my drugs.

What are drugs?

I don't think this is
the call I was expecting.

Now, Peter,
this is your silverware.

You see,
this is your fork,
and this is a knife.

That's not a knife.
That's a knife.

This is also a knife.

Oh. Well,
I'll be on my way.

I want to see
more of him, and then
suddenly none of him.

Forever.

All right, you know what?
This is not working.

If you're gonna learn
to drive, you're gonna
have to practice first.

Here, play
Grand Theft Auto
for eight hours,

and then we'll
give it another try.

Stewie, what's wrong?

The fat man.
He changed
my diaper.

So?

Brian, he put it up inside.

Oh, God.

Look, he didn't know what
he was doing. He's still
without his memory.

How am I going to get it out?

I'd have to poop
a diaper into a diaper.

That's how you end up
in another dimension.

Gee, that's rough.

I need a friend, Brian,

like I've never
needed a friend before.

Damn it.
All right, all right,
I'll take it out.

Oh, God. That smells
like the food foreign guys
reheat at work.

Oh, God.
What is that smell?

Did somebody light
a box of Band-Aids
on fire?

Would anyone like
to try my gingbok?

So, you guys are
my best friends,

and this is where we hang out?

That's right.
I'm Quagmire,
and this is Joe.

So, what do we do here?

Well, we usually
come here,
you buy us drinks

and tell us what
Lois' nipples
look like,

like you always do.
Giggity Giggity.

Yeah, but first you
usually go over there

and pull down that
blonde waitress' top.

She screamed,
so I had to slap her.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Get nude. Get nude.
Please get nude.

Please get nude.

Peter, you don't
have to spy on me.

You're my husband.
Come on in.

Oh, boy, no fooling?
Oh, boy!

Wait a minute.
Something's happening
in my pants.

In the front this time.

That's all right, Peter.

It just means you're excited.

That's the way it's
supposed to be between
a husband and wife.

It means you want to make love.

But I forget how to make love.

That's okay.
I'll show you.

Just follow my lead.

♪ It feels like
the first time

♪ Feels like
the very first time ♪

Wow! That was what
they call sex?

Yes, it was, Peter.

Can we do it again?
Can we?

Wow! You're as excited
as a porcupine
meeting a pineapple.

Hey, good-looking.
Where have you
been all my life?

Morning, nice people
who I still don't know
your names

and who mean nothing to me.

I certainly hope
that doesn't apply to me,

especially after last night.

You got a point there,
hot stuff.

And if sex with the rest
of you is half as good
as it was with her,

then I think we're all
gonna get along just fine.

Yay!

What? No, no, Peter,
you can't have sex
with the kids.

I wish you'd told him that
before he lost his memory.

It was a joke!
I was just
making a joke.

That's your sense of humor?

I was just kidding. God!

Meg, that's awful.

Jeez, you open
your mouth for
a joke once,

and that's what
you come up with?

That's messed up, Meg.

I was just trying to be funny.

That wasn't funny.
That was just dark.

Yeah, that's your father.

Get out, Meg!
Get out of the kitchen!

Go on! Get out!
Out! Out! Out!

Out of the kitchen!
Go on! Get out of here!

Peter, there you are.
I've been waiting.

You ready to have sex?

You bet. Move over,
so Tiffani and I have room.

What? Who the hell
is she?

She's the woman
I'm gonna have
sex with tonight.

And don't worry about
getting me pregnant.
I'm already pregnant.

Peter, what's the
matter with you?

You can't just have sex
with some random woman!

Why the hell not?

Because we're married!

Well, I'm sorry,
but I don't remember
marrying anybody.

Why the hell would
I commit to having
sex with one person

for the rest of my life?

Because we love each other.

That's part of being a family.

It means being
responsible
and faithful.

Well, that doesn't
sound very fun.

Well, if that's how you feel,

then we no longer have a family.

Boy, I'm glad you said it.

But this is my house,
and I'm not going anywhere.

You don't have to.

I'm leaving,
and I'm taking
the kids with me.

That's a beautiful necklace
you're wearing, Tiffani.

Thank you.

Is that what you do
with your Saved by
the Bell money?

Mom, I don't want to live
in a tiny, gross apartment.

Well, I'm sorry, honey,
but we don't have a choice.

Your father doesn't
remember his life,

and he doesn't want us
to be a part of it,

so we've just got to move on.

This is disgusting.
I shouldn't be here.

A baby doesn't belong
in the inner city

any more than a baby
belongs on a plane.

It's gonna be okay.
Gonna be okay.

Our in-flight movie
this evening is Hancock.

Peter, what the hell
is all this?

Well, I'm a bachelor,
so I invited a bunch
of people over,

and now I'm waiting
for them to leave.
That's what bachelors do.

Peter, I'm interested
in the redhead

with the wooden arms
and legs over there.

You think you could
introduce me?

That's a table, Seamus.

Don't point at her.
Don't point.
She's looking.

Oh, great.
Now I gotta go in.
Hey, I'm Seamus.

Man, I'm telling you,
this party is
on the hook, man.

You said it, friend.

Don't let me near
cassette player,

or I will be
disc jockey all night.

Where is the alcoholic?

I will guzzle four hectoliters,

and that will
very quickly get me
to the buzzers.

You're crazy.
Your head is on
sidewards, man.

Peter, you left
your family for this?

Look, I don't know
what I was doing before,

but this is the way
man was meant to live.

I just know it.
Check it out.

Don't you miss your family?

What, that lady and those kids?

I don't even remember them.
How could I miss them?

I almost don't want
to ask you out

because I know
you're gonna say no.

You want to go out?
No? Okay.

Giggity.

Giggity.

Gi-gi,
gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi,
gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi,

gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi,

gi-gi, gi-gi,
gi-gi, gi-gi,
gi-gi, giggity!

Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi!

Oh, hi, Quagmire.
What a surprise.

I know, right?

Gosh, you know,
I was just picking up
a couple of hams

to take down
to the shelter, and
here I run into you,

buying food
to make dinner
for your husband.

No, actually, Glenn,
maybe you haven't heard,

but Peter and I
aren't together anymore.

What? Why?

It's a long story.
You don't want to
hear about it.

Shut your face.
I want to hear
all about it.

But listen, I got
all this shopping
to do,

so you want to stop by
tomorrow night?

I'll just whip something up.

Well, sure.

You know,
that sounds nice, Glenn.

Holy smokes,
this is a sure thing.

Like the end of
a Mexican wedding.

Crap, we're out of milk.

I'm gonna run next
door to the airport
and get some.

Hey, when you're
over there, can you
get some rodent traps?

We got a giant mutant rat
living under the sink.

I'm just gonna
hide under the sink
till y'all go to sleep,

then I'm gonna
come out and make
my poops in your Kix.

Hey, Stewie, is Lois
back yet? I've been trying
to get a hold of her.

She went to Quagmire's
for dinner.
What?

That was a delicious
dinner, Glenn.

I didn't know you could cook.

Well, when a fella's
been alone as long
as I have,

he learns to
take care of himself.

Well, you're a very
sweet friend,

and you're so good to
listen to my troubles.

I could listen for hours, Lois.

Whoo! Boy, I don't know
how a half a glass of wine
got me so lightheaded.

I better lie down.

You want me to
help you upstairs?

Oh, my God, you are a saint!

Oh, I think I can
make it from here. I...
Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoops!

Professor Klutz,
the doctor is in!

Where's this heading?

Hiya, Brian.

All right, Peter,
now I know your head
is still a blank slate,

but you gotta listen
to me when I say...

Wait. Did you just
call me "Brian"?

Yeah.
You've got your
memory back?

Uh-huh. Happened
yesterday on my way back
from the grocery store.

Hi, Peter.

Hey, you just snubbed me
in front of my own house.

I thought we'd come
to an understanding.

Look, fella,
I don't know who you are
and I don't want to,

so why don't you
just go back to
your crabgrass?

This happens to be
fresh Marathon Sod!

Man, I just got my memory back.

And as I recall,
I don't really
care for you!

Wait a minute.
Who are you?
Hey, I know you!

What's your beef, stranger?

Well, if it isn't
my old nemesis!

I was just lucky
he had an odd number
of objects.

Why the hell didn't
you tell anybody?

Well, I figured I could
enjoy the bachelor life

for a few more days
before getting Lois back.

Well, you may have waited
too long already.

Lois is on a date with Quagmire,

and you've gotta stop her
before something happens.

What? Oh, my God!
Where is she?

She's next door at his house.

And you better
get there quick,
because with Quagmire,

sex is inevitable.

Like a fat guy ordering
dessert when everyone
else wants to leave.

So, does anyone want dessert?

Oh, I couldn't eat another bite.

No. I gotta get home
for the sitter.

I'll have the souffle.

That takes 45 minutes.
That's okay.

I can't believe
we're doing this,

but I gotta say,
it feels kind of right.

I know, it's so weird, right?
I mean, it's, like, fast.

I mean, it's fast,
but it feels, like,
okay, you know?

I mean, like, isn't that crazy?

It's like this adventure
that we're having together.

I know.
That's exactly how I feel.

I mean, it's a little strange,

but if Peter's never
coming back to me,

it's at least nice
to know I'm in the arms
of a trusted friend.

You... You trust me?

Uh-oh.

Is something wrong?

I don't know.
I'll be right back.

Damn it!

Lois!

Peter? What are
you doing here?

I got my memory back,
and I love you, Lois!

I want you and the kids back.
I want our old life back!

I don't believe it!
Sweetheart, it's you!
You're back!

Damn it!

I'm back, Lois, and I'm sorry.

I treated you so badly,

but I hope you know
it was only because
I wasn't myself.

I didn't just
lose my memory.
I lost my mind.

Clear!

Damn it!

Oh, my God, Peter, I don't care!

I don't care!
I'm just overjoyed
to have you back!

Let's go home!

Damn it!

Damn it! Damn it!

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