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1
00:00:02,584 --> 00:00:04,168
Here's your fish of the day.
2
00:00:04,542 --> 00:00:05,792
That day is last Monday.
3
00:00:07,542 --> 00:00:08,584
Excuse me, miss?
4
00:00:09,501 --> 00:00:11,543
There's a hair in my meatloaf.
5
00:00:12,042 --> 00:00:13,452
This never happens.
6
00:00:13,542 --> 00:00:14,460
Oleg!
7
00:00:15,542 --> 00:00:17,168
We got a H-34 at T-2!
8
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,667
A hair? That's impossible.
9
00:00:19,918 --> 00:00:21,085
Let me put some pants on.
10
00:00:24,042 --> 00:00:27,251
I am so sorry
that you ordered the meatloaf.
11
00:00:28,626 --> 00:00:29,960
Shouldn't he be in a hairnet?
12
00:00:30,459 --> 00:00:31,584
He should be in a prison.
13
00:00:34,876 --> 00:00:36,168
Good news.
14
00:00:37,042 --> 00:00:37,960
It's not mine.
15
00:00:39,125 --> 00:00:41,043
That Propecia's really paying off.
16
00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:44,126
Obviously, it's not mine. I'm blonde.
17
00:00:44,751 --> 00:00:46,002
You're not blonde everywhere.
18
00:00:47,250 --> 00:00:48,876
I love carpet-and-drapes talk.
19
00:00:49,709 --> 00:00:51,959
-I want my money back.
-Me too.
20
00:00:54,417 --> 00:00:55,751
Well, it ain't mine.
21
00:00:56,334 --> 00:00:58,133
Last time my hair was this long,
22
00:00:58,224 --> 00:01:00,966
I was a back-up
dancer on Solid Gold.
23
00:01:02,125 --> 00:01:02,993
Han!
24
00:01:03,083 --> 00:01:05,709
We got a customer with a hair up his butt
and one in his meatloaf.
25
00:01:06,250 --> 00:01:08,500
Step aside. Let an expert through.
26
00:01:09,459 --> 00:01:12,085
Look, it's "Law and Order: SAD."
27
00:01:13,542 --> 00:01:16,959
It's brown, somewhere between
coffee and burnt sienna,
28
00:01:17,334 --> 00:01:20,584
cleaned hastily
with a combination shampoo-body wash.
29
00:01:22,792 --> 00:01:25,293
This hair belongs to a single white man...
30
00:01:25,751 --> 00:01:29,160
...alone, and not by choice,
but so set in his ways...
31
00:01:29,250 --> 00:01:32,042
Okay! It's mine!
32
00:01:33,209 --> 00:01:36,001
Next time you want a free meal,
order the fish of the day.
33
00:01:36,542 --> 00:01:37,460
Am I right, ma'am?
34
00:01:55,584 --> 00:01:57,293
Hey, can I order something?
35
00:01:57,876 --> 00:01:59,251
I'm gonna need to see some ID.
36
00:01:59,542 --> 00:02:02,096
I'm getting the itch to hit the road again
and I'll need a new identity.
37
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,125
I'll have a Moscow Mule.
38
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,285
How about a Jolly Rancher shot?
39
00:02:07,375 --> 00:02:11,209
They're one of our signature drinks,
served with a side of my finger-guns.
40
00:02:12,292 --> 00:02:15,417
How about a Moscow Mule
since that's what I just ordered?
41
00:02:16,417 --> 00:02:17,244
Are you sure?
42
00:02:17,334 --> 00:02:20,293
The shot glasses are made
of actual Jolly Ranchers.
43
00:02:20,501 --> 00:02:21,501
Kids love them.
44
00:02:24,292 --> 00:02:25,709
One Moscow Mule coming up.
45
00:02:27,292 --> 00:02:28,501
All righty.
46
00:02:29,334 --> 00:02:31,584
-You don't know how to make one, do you?
-No clue.
47
00:02:32,584 --> 00:02:34,043
How about I just make it myself?
48
00:02:35,125 --> 00:02:36,959
While you're at it,
I'll have a Jack and Coke.
49
00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:38,918
Always wanted to know what was in that.
50
00:02:40,292 --> 00:02:42,210
Max, what's that guy doing behind you?
51
00:02:43,042 --> 00:02:44,876
You know I never look
when they're back there.
52
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:48,244
You can't let people serve themselves.
53
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:51,334
Again, not everything
is a Hometown Buffet.
54
00:02:51,667 --> 00:02:55,792
If it were, I'd be eating a biscuit
with macaroni and pudding on top.
55
00:02:57,209 --> 00:02:59,035
People aren't ordering
our signature drinks.
56
00:02:59,125 --> 00:03:01,959
They want real ones, and I only know
how to make the stuff on the menu.
57
00:03:02,167 --> 00:03:05,292
And Molly lollipops,
which I call "Mollipops."
58
00:03:06,167 --> 00:03:07,250
Then let me do it.
59
00:03:07,626 --> 00:03:10,460
And is that why I slept for three days
after Halloween?
60
00:03:11,876 --> 00:03:13,377
Hey, can I get a greyhound?
61
00:03:14,375 --> 00:03:15,917
Greyhound.
62
00:03:17,125 --> 00:03:18,500
I don't drive for them anymore.
63
00:03:20,584 --> 00:03:21,584
Politics!
64
00:03:23,459 --> 00:03:24,377
You heard the man.
65
00:03:24,834 --> 00:03:26,834
We're not paying you to just stand around.
66
00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:28,459
You're not paying me at all.
67
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:30,751
Not with that attitude.
68
00:03:31,667 --> 00:03:34,084
Believe me, if we could afford
a bartender, we'd hire one.
69
00:03:34,250 --> 00:03:36,250
This obviously isn't working out
for either of us.
70
00:03:40,375 --> 00:03:42,709
Was there a problem with your service?
71
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:47,917
Max, we need to talk about
what happened last night.
72
00:03:48,167 --> 00:03:50,043
Oh, crap, you said you were on the pill.
73
00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:55,333
We need someone at the dessert bar
who knows how to make real drinks.
74
00:03:55,542 --> 00:03:58,667
Not that your "cigarette butt and tonic"
wasn't a hit.
75
00:03:59,709 --> 00:04:02,910
You said we couldn't afford a bartender
or a mechanical bull,
76
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,667
which would have paid for itself by now.
77
00:04:05,375 --> 00:04:06,417
Here's my idea.
78
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:09,585
We are going to bartending school
so we can,
79
00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:11,369
and don't kick me, be the best,
80
00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:13,584
no pinching, not my nose,
business we can be!
81
00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:15,085
G'doink.
82
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,251
You didn't say anything about G'doinks.
83
00:04:17,918 --> 00:04:21,210
What do you think? Because we're already
signed up and it's non-refundable.
84
00:04:21,375 --> 00:04:23,126
I took your share out of your piggy bong.
85
00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:25,918
You stole from Cheech and Change?
86
00:04:28,876 --> 00:04:33,001
Okay, you can say you hate the idea,
but you don't have to cry about it.
87
00:04:34,042 --> 00:04:37,417
Man, this baby's more full of crap
than a Coldplay album.
88
00:04:38,584 --> 00:04:41,744
Fine, I'll change your diaper,
but when you grow up,
89
00:04:41,834 --> 00:04:44,001
you're going to have to return the favor.
90
00:04:45,334 --> 00:04:46,960
The diaper goes the other way!
91
00:04:49,292 --> 00:04:50,828
Earl, did that doll just talk...
92
00:04:50,918 --> 00:04:52,918
...or are the voices
telling me to kill again?
93
00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:55,661
No, no, it's been yelling at me all day.
94
00:04:55,751 --> 00:04:58,952
Between this and the police chatter
I pick up on my hearing aid,
95
00:04:59,042 --> 00:05:01,918
it's like a damn party in my head.
96
00:05:03,542 --> 00:05:04,460
Roger that.
97
00:05:05,751 --> 00:05:07,910
Can this doll get any creepier?
98
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,667
Takes one to know one, Caroline.
99
00:05:10,209 --> 00:05:11,501
Asked and answered.
100
00:05:12,542 --> 00:05:13,460
Hey.
101
00:05:14,209 --> 00:05:16,472
Can't a lady have a
smoke and a tinkle
102
00:05:16,563 --> 00:05:18,466
without having to
worry about her baby?
103
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,792
You were watching us from the toilet?
104
00:05:21,250 --> 00:05:23,751
Can't you just hold your nose
and hover like everyone else?
105
00:05:24,334 --> 00:05:27,334
It's my surveillance doll. Look.
106
00:05:28,584 --> 00:05:30,543
It's hooked up to an app in my phone.
107
00:05:31,209 --> 00:05:34,869
Look, she's got cameras in her eyeballs,
108
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:37,001
she's got a microphone in her mouth,
109
00:05:37,417 --> 00:05:40,209
and look, a laser pointer in her butt.
110
00:05:41,209 --> 00:05:43,835
Is that the American Girl Doll
PATRIOT Act edition?
111
00:05:45,125 --> 00:05:46,417
Isn't she cute?
112
00:05:46,876 --> 00:05:51,001
Look, she's like my twin, only more alive.
113
00:05:54,542 --> 00:05:57,460
Thank you
for keeping your eye on Barbara.
114
00:06:01,542 --> 00:06:03,418
Well, thanks so much.
115
00:06:03,626 --> 00:06:06,876
I'd pay you, but I know
you're too proud to take the money.
116
00:06:07,459 --> 00:06:09,876
Actually, the medical bills
are piling up, Sophie.
117
00:06:09,967 --> 00:06:11,847
-Well, see you later!
-And I could really use...
118
00:06:13,709 --> 00:06:16,585
If you need a free babysitter, that guy.
119
00:06:18,459 --> 00:06:21,626
Is it just me
or is it hot and blurry in here?
120
00:06:23,626 --> 00:06:24,626
Pardon me, sir.
121
00:06:26,042 --> 00:06:27,119
Oh, my God, Han.
122
00:06:27,209 --> 00:06:29,751
You're covered in spots
and you're delirious.
123
00:06:29,876 --> 00:06:31,327
You have chicken pox.
124
00:06:31,417 --> 00:06:33,792
You also have chicken legs,
so I guess you're even.
125
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:36,869
Han, you have to go home.
You're contagious.
126
00:06:36,959 --> 00:06:38,334
And not like my laugh.
127
00:06:43,709 --> 00:06:46,210
Welcome to the Dinersburg Williams.
128
00:06:47,042 --> 00:06:47,959
Who said that?
129
00:06:48,042 --> 00:06:50,084
You did! You have to go home.
130
00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:55,251
Well, I suppose I could get into bed
and Hulu a little "Mindy Project."
131
00:06:55,584 --> 00:06:57,210
And, boy, is she a project.
132
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,619
Han looked pretty unsteady.
133
00:07:03,709 --> 00:07:05,952
Do you think someone
should make sure he gets home okay?
134
00:07:06,042 --> 00:07:07,626
Don't worry so much. He'll be fine.
135
00:07:15,584 --> 00:07:16,543
See? Fine.
136
00:07:20,209 --> 00:07:23,459
I know this is just bartending class,
but gum, please?
137
00:07:25,125 --> 00:07:26,751
That was chewing tobacco, FYI.
138
00:07:28,751 --> 00:07:30,751
We need to take this seriously, Max.
139
00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:34,417
-Is that a pocket knife?
-Yeah.
140
00:07:35,459 --> 00:07:38,459
How are they gonna know I was here
if I can't carve my initials in the desk?
141
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,411
Maybe we should sit
at separate workstations.
142
00:07:41,501 --> 00:07:43,369
I'm obviously gonna be
the top student here...
143
00:07:43,459 --> 00:07:44,619
...and I don't want to be associated...
144
00:07:44,709 --> 00:07:47,418
...with your "rebel
without health insurance" attitude.
145
00:07:48,542 --> 00:07:50,001
Fine, smell you later.
146
00:07:52,459 --> 00:07:53,327
Hi.
147
00:07:53,417 --> 00:07:55,952
I haven't been in a class
since I graduated from Wharton.
148
00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:57,751
-It's an Ivy League...
-I went to Harvard.
149
00:07:59,667 --> 00:08:00,959
Wharton was my safety school.
150
00:08:02,792 --> 00:08:04,459
Max, do you still have that pocket knife?
151
00:08:06,042 --> 00:08:08,125
Okay, I think everyone is here.
152
00:08:08,667 --> 00:08:14,084
Hi, my name is Gil Bronski
and I am in no rush to go home.
153
00:08:14,542 --> 00:08:19,334
I live with my mother and her three cats,
two of whom have diarrhea.
154
00:08:25,709 --> 00:08:27,126
I thought it was an icebreaker.
155
00:08:27,626 --> 00:08:29,709
No, it's a carpet-ruiner.
156
00:08:31,209 --> 00:08:32,918
Oh, thanks, Julie.
157
00:08:33,876 --> 00:08:34,959
Julie's killing it.
158
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:40,993
Now, you're probably all wondering,
"How did this former child actor..."
159
00:08:41,083 --> 00:08:44,375
"...briefly sidelined
by a 30-year drug addiction..."
160
00:08:44,584 --> 00:08:47,210
..."find himself teaching
bartending school?"
161
00:08:47,501 --> 00:08:48,584
Just got lucky?
162
00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:50,085
Just got lucky!
163
00:08:51,584 --> 00:08:53,918
Now, who can answer this?
164
00:08:54,876 --> 00:08:56,794
He hasn't asked it yet, ass-kissers.
165
00:08:58,042 --> 00:09:01,918
Churchill declared war
while sipping a Long Island Iced Tea.
166
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:06,500
The Magna Carta, French Revolution,
my three divorces,
167
00:09:06,626 --> 00:09:08,418
what's the common denominator?
168
00:09:08,792 --> 00:09:09,917
Booze, duh.
169
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,458
Booze, duh!
170
00:09:13,042 --> 00:09:14,459
She didn't raise her hand.
171
00:09:15,334 --> 00:09:18,584
Boy, we have got some eager beavers here,
don't we?
172
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,876
That's what my pimp told us
at our working brunch.
173
00:09:23,751 --> 00:09:24,720
Now...
174
00:09:25,425 --> 00:09:27,717
I have only one rule.
175
00:09:28,083 --> 00:09:29,001
No...
176
00:09:30,083 --> 00:09:31,250
Interruptions.
177
00:09:32,375 --> 00:09:35,001
This is crazy, no one has called me
in six years.
178
00:09:35,834 --> 00:09:37,001
I would have guessed longer.
179
00:09:40,292 --> 00:09:41,375
Thanks, Julie.
180
00:09:42,626 --> 00:09:43,835
Let's make some drinks!
181
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,627
Oh, my God. I love school so much.
182
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,285
How am I expected
to know the difference...
183
00:09:52,375 --> 00:09:54,876
...between a vodka sunrise
and a vodka sunset?
184
00:09:55,209 --> 00:09:57,334
Twelve hours and a missing pair of pants.
185
00:09:58,792 --> 00:10:00,167
Now, shh. I'm studying.
186
00:10:03,334 --> 00:10:05,210
That was the first homework
I've ever done.
187
00:10:06,501 --> 00:10:08,876
I've never seen you
take anything this seriously.
188
00:10:09,125 --> 00:10:10,792
And you had rabies once.
189
00:10:11,792 --> 00:10:13,959
Stop joking around. This is for school.
190
00:10:18,042 --> 00:10:20,417
Where did you get those glasses,
"The Golden Girls"?
191
00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:25,001
For the first time in my life,
I want to learn goodly.
192
00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,834
Max, have we switched bodies?
193
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:30,918
If so, enjoy chlamydia.
194
00:10:34,042 --> 00:10:37,209
I want to do well on this test.
I want to get a...
195
00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:42,043
-What's the good letter?
-It's an A.
196
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:45,042
And I think this is gonna be
the first time I don't get one.
197
00:10:45,250 --> 00:10:47,417
I am just not connecting to the material.
198
00:10:47,876 --> 00:10:50,752
Like sci-fi comedy, I mean, pick a lane.
199
00:10:52,042 --> 00:10:53,077
Well, give me that book...
200
00:10:53,167 --> 00:10:55,119
...because I'm gonna nail
this bartending exam...
201
00:10:55,209 --> 00:10:57,459
...like it's some guy
I met at the grocery store.
202
00:10:59,209 --> 00:11:02,292
Most of my tests just had "see me"
written at the top.
203
00:11:03,626 --> 00:11:06,960
Mine always had,
"You've done it again, Caroline Channing."
204
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:09,369
And I have to do it again.
Let me try making a drink.
205
00:11:09,459 --> 00:11:11,251
Okay. Bartender?
206
00:11:11,501 --> 00:11:12,710
Make me a Bloody Mary.
207
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,840
The drink, not my friend Mary Nichol
who got her period in fourth grade.
208
00:11:16,626 --> 00:11:17,661
I have to get this.
209
00:11:17,751 --> 00:11:21,377
I know the bloody part is tomato juice,
but what the hell is the Mary?
210
00:11:21,709 --> 00:11:23,501
I should know. I've dated so many.
211
00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:27,709
I'll give you a hint.
Rhymes with "schmodka."
212
00:11:28,292 --> 00:11:29,210
Grodka!
213
00:11:30,792 --> 00:11:33,251
That's not even a thing.
What is wrong with me?
214
00:11:33,417 --> 00:11:34,335
Vodka.
215
00:11:36,876 --> 00:11:38,251
That was clam juice.
216
00:11:40,542 --> 00:11:41,501
Sure was.
217
00:11:43,292 --> 00:11:45,793
Pick up, hot... doll.
218
00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:48,126
The Sophie doll?
219
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,959
Well, it's covered in hair
so it'll pass as food around here.
220
00:11:51,751 --> 00:11:53,035
Just get rid of it.
221
00:11:53,125 --> 00:11:55,452
Sophie's constantly
using it to criticize me,
222
00:11:55,542 --> 00:11:57,210
so I disconnected her app.
223
00:11:57,792 --> 00:11:59,702
I mean, how many times
can she yell at me...
224
00:11:59,792 --> 00:12:02,042
...to wash my hands
after going to the bathroom?
225
00:12:06,542 --> 00:12:07,625
Every time?
226
00:12:08,876 --> 00:12:10,502
That doll is driving me crazy.
227
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,083
Plus, I think I'm...
228
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,626
...starting to have feelings for it.
229
00:12:16,584 --> 00:12:18,543
Fine. I'll take her.
230
00:12:19,542 --> 00:12:22,834
I haven't had a possessed doll
since Chucky moved out in '09.
231
00:12:23,834 --> 00:12:25,418
Now, he could make a Bloody Mary.
232
00:12:25,792 --> 00:12:27,584
And a bloody Denise and a bloody Julio.
233
00:12:32,292 --> 00:12:34,126
Speaking of creepy dolls come to life.
234
00:12:35,209 --> 00:12:38,001
Han, if you have open sores,
you have to go home.
235
00:12:38,375 --> 00:12:40,375
Not that it's stopped anyone else
who works here.
236
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,292
I can't go home.
237
00:12:42,542 --> 00:12:45,001
I took an oatmeal bath
to get rid of the itching,
238
00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:46,918
and it flooded my apartment.
239
00:12:47,250 --> 00:12:51,375
I tried eating it down,
but I passed out and nearly suffocated.
240
00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:55,042
Well, find a nice subway bench
to curl up on.
241
00:12:55,292 --> 00:12:56,918
Or even a Subway sandwich.
242
00:12:57,292 --> 00:12:59,077
You know how embarrassing it would be
to catch a disease...
243
00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:00,793
...from a guy I haven't slept with?
244
00:13:04,501 --> 00:13:06,293
What? Do I have something in my teeth?
245
00:13:06,959 --> 00:13:08,751
Yes, of course. But not that.
246
00:13:09,209 --> 00:13:11,001
Max, I think you have chicken pox.
247
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,710
Well, I could make this
less embarrassing for you.
248
00:13:16,125 --> 00:13:17,208
We could have sex.
249
00:13:24,125 --> 00:13:26,119
I can't believe
that little Outbreak monkey...
250
00:13:26,209 --> 00:13:27,334
...gave me the pox!
251
00:13:28,709 --> 00:13:30,744
If I get my mittens on him,
I'm gonna tear him...
252
00:13:30,834 --> 00:13:32,668
...from tiny limb to tiny limb.
253
00:13:33,709 --> 00:13:35,460
Best I stay in the bathroom then?
254
00:13:36,959 --> 00:13:40,418
No. Come on out, patient-zero-friends.
255
00:13:41,042 --> 00:13:43,001
I need you to enter your Netflix password.
256
00:13:43,209 --> 00:13:47,127
It's "Han job 69."
You're the one who set it.
257
00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:49,585
And thanks for letting me crash here.
258
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:52,744
I'm not sure you can legally
make me your butler for life,
259
00:13:52,834 --> 00:13:55,126
but I did sign the contract.
260
00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:58,042
I'm still feeling a little woozy.
261
00:13:58,834 --> 00:13:59,917
Hello, Sophie.
262
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:02,251
Don't change the subject.
263
00:14:02,459 --> 00:14:04,751
For the first time,
I really wanted to go to school.
264
00:14:05,417 --> 00:14:06,993
I know I could fit your head in my toilet,
265
00:14:07,083 --> 00:14:09,083
but I wonder if I can get
your whole body in there.
266
00:14:09,459 --> 00:14:12,001
Wow, you really put the "bitch" in "itch."
267
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:13,918
Could you?
268
00:14:16,292 --> 00:14:17,292
That's the stuff.
269
00:14:17,918 --> 00:14:18,836
Now get my back.
270
00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:22,502
You like that? Is it hard enough?
271
00:14:22,751 --> 00:14:23,669
Am I hurting you?
272
00:14:24,125 --> 00:14:25,208
Don't flatter yourself.
273
00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:27,209
Don't stop until I get enough.
274
00:14:28,125 --> 00:14:30,459
Won't that be easier
if Max takes her shirt off?
275
00:14:32,083 --> 00:14:34,417
Oleg! Are you spying on us?
276
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:36,210
Momma.
277
00:14:37,709 --> 00:14:39,202
I am so screwed.
278
00:14:39,292 --> 00:14:41,077
The bartending test is in two hours,
279
00:14:41,167 --> 00:14:43,376
and I can't remember
what goes in a White Lady.
280
00:14:43,626 --> 00:14:46,127
A bottle of chardonnay
and then a fat guy that makes her laugh.
281
00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:48,752
Is that Caroline?
282
00:14:49,167 --> 00:14:51,209
She sounds like
she's not wearing underwear.
283
00:14:54,292 --> 00:14:56,501
How did Oleg get inside the doll?
284
00:14:57,250 --> 00:14:59,126
Wish it was the first time I said that.
285
00:15:00,459 --> 00:15:03,584
I got the app,
and now I have a Saturday night.
286
00:15:04,209 --> 00:15:06,584
Oleg, have you seen my Sophie doll?
287
00:15:07,334 --> 00:15:08,751
I haven't seen her.
288
00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:10,043
Gotta go.
289
00:15:10,751 --> 00:15:13,918
Wait, this thing works with any phone?
290
00:15:14,209 --> 00:15:15,993
Oh, my God, Max, we can use the doll...
291
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:18,584
...so you can read me
the ingredients for drinks on the test.
292
00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:20,751
You mean cheat? At school?
293
00:15:21,375 --> 00:15:22,876
Wow, maybe we did switch bodies.
294
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,000
-Rats.
-Oh, thank God.
295
00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:29,668
Is there any way I could get either of you
to scratch my tum-tum?
296
00:15:30,626 --> 00:15:31,544
Here.
297
00:15:34,125 --> 00:15:35,626
The nails are real.
298
00:15:43,501 --> 00:15:44,626
Nice shirt, nerd.
299
00:15:45,709 --> 00:15:46,959
Oh, nice shirt.
300
00:15:47,751 --> 00:15:48,669
Thanks, Mr B.
301
00:15:50,125 --> 00:15:51,375
Any love for my shirt?
302
00:15:51,792 --> 00:15:52,710
Feels desperate.
303
00:15:53,834 --> 00:15:54,786
Hey, where's Max?
304
00:15:54,876 --> 00:15:57,285
A bunch of us are going to Chili's
after class.
305
00:15:57,375 --> 00:15:59,293
Max is sick, but I'm totally free.
306
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,501
Reservation's only for 10.
307
00:16:02,375 --> 00:16:04,334
But Max isn't here,
so I can take her spot.
308
00:16:04,834 --> 00:16:05,752
You'd think.
309
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:08,752
What's that?
310
00:16:08,876 --> 00:16:11,366
Oh, this is my emotional support doll.
311
00:16:11,584 --> 00:16:13,607
I brush her hair and
it calms me down.
312
00:16:13,959 --> 00:16:15,085
I'm not insane.
313
00:16:15,176 --> 00:16:17,343
Hey, I've been saying that for 30 years!
314
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,494
All right, kiddies,
I need 10 drinks in 10 minutes.
315
00:16:21,584 --> 00:16:25,667
Or, as a blacked-out me once said,
"Let's get this starty parted."
316
00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:27,585
Begin.
317
00:16:28,083 --> 00:16:30,333
Max, are you there?
Can you see the set-up?
318
00:16:30,876 --> 00:16:34,710
I see you and Julie both shop
at Tommy Bah-Brown Nose.
319
00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:37,750
Care for a cinnamon stick in your cocoa?
320
00:16:38,501 --> 00:16:40,252
Never mind, a millipede carried it off.
321
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,375
How's school? Did anybody ask about me?
322
00:16:43,751 --> 00:16:44,793
Tell Keith what's up.
323
00:16:45,042 --> 00:16:47,042
And tell Dave what's up,
but not in front of Keith.
324
00:16:47,542 --> 00:16:48,751
Max, focus.
325
00:16:48,876 --> 00:16:51,126
The first drink I have to make
is a Negroni.
326
00:16:51,501 --> 00:16:54,869
And I'll tell you how to make it
as soon as you relay a message to Jeff
327
00:16:54,959 --> 00:16:57,918
that goes a lot like this, what's up.
328
00:16:59,292 --> 00:17:00,834
Max says, "What's up, what's up."
329
00:17:01,959 --> 00:17:03,251
Okay, I'm listening.
330
00:17:03,876 --> 00:17:04,794
Gin.
331
00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:08,751
No, that's not gin.
Did you even go to kindergarten?
332
00:17:09,292 --> 00:17:10,492
It's the one right next to it.
333
00:17:11,167 --> 00:17:12,085
Got it.
334
00:17:12,459 --> 00:17:16,584
Wow, I am really cheating.
I am such a bad girl.
335
00:17:17,792 --> 00:17:20,411
Here we go, hot cocoa Han-style.
336
00:17:20,501 --> 00:17:22,918
Complete with a frothy marshmallow layer.
337
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,751
Oh, marshmallows.
338
00:17:25,584 --> 00:17:27,043
And marshmallows, got it.
339
00:17:27,292 --> 00:17:30,126
No, no, no, not you.
I was talking to Swiss Miss over here.
340
00:17:36,375 --> 00:17:40,584
Man, you are acting crazier than me
when I was stalking Tom Hanks.
341
00:17:40,918 --> 00:17:42,244
It's okay, it's okay.
342
00:17:42,334 --> 00:17:46,459
You spilled all over the book.
I can't read a thing. How is this okay?
343
00:17:46,751 --> 00:17:49,502
Because... that was your cocoa.
344
00:17:54,209 --> 00:17:56,668
How do you like your girl Swiss Miss now?
345
00:17:57,584 --> 00:17:59,876
You better grab something
to dry this book off.
346
00:18:00,125 --> 00:18:02,001
Bookoff? Is that a vodka?
347
00:18:02,292 --> 00:18:03,959
I'm panicking. I'm gonna fail.
348
00:18:11,209 --> 00:18:12,952
Cheating on a bartending test?
349
00:18:13,042 --> 00:18:16,077
I am gonna tell you the same thing
I told The Situation,
350
00:18:16,167 --> 00:18:17,876
you take it on back to Jersey.
351
00:18:19,667 --> 00:18:22,084
-Good one, Mr B.
-Oh, thanks, Julie.
352
00:18:23,292 --> 00:18:27,334
I am so sorry, Mr Bronski.
Please don't fail me. I'll do anything.
353
00:18:28,042 --> 00:18:29,167
But nothing sexual.
354
00:18:30,667 --> 00:18:32,834
I mean, after all,
it's just bartending school.
355
00:18:34,125 --> 00:18:35,759
I'm gonna take
this doll with me.
356
00:18:36,301 --> 00:18:38,507
She's gonna be our
10th at Chili's.
357
00:18:40,125 --> 00:18:42,001
Hey, Mr B, what' sup!
358
00:18:42,542 --> 00:18:43,460
Hi, Max.
359
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:49,209
I just can't get it out of my head.
It was terrible.
360
00:18:49,375 --> 00:18:51,369
He ripped apart the doll
right in front of me.
361
00:18:51,459 --> 00:18:54,668
And then this part
I couldn't even tell you, I f...
362
00:18:56,375 --> 00:18:57,584
-Failed?
-Farted!
363
00:18:59,375 --> 00:19:01,542
You know how my stomach gets
when I'm upset.
364
00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:06,250
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I woke up with me and Han spooning.
365
00:19:08,584 --> 00:19:10,043
Which spoon were you?
366
00:19:10,134 --> 00:19:12,876
The one with the stiffie in her back
for three hours.
367
00:19:16,459 --> 00:19:17,501
Hey, everybody.
368
00:19:19,918 --> 00:19:22,077
We just stopped in
for a Jolly Rancher shot...
369
00:19:22,167 --> 00:19:23,834
...on our way to a live sex show.
370
00:19:25,959 --> 00:19:28,877
-Sophie, where's the baby?
-Oh, she's with the babysitter.
371
00:19:29,417 --> 00:19:33,043
Some perverted SOB stole my Sophie doll.
372
00:19:34,125 --> 00:19:39,876
I realized that it's okay
not to watch baby Barbara for 24/8.
373
00:19:41,751 --> 00:19:43,751
You know, in Poland, we get the extra day.
374
00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:46,667
For dredging the lakes.
375
00:19:49,792 --> 00:19:51,917
-Why don't you go get us a table, Sophie?
-Okay.
376
00:19:54,250 --> 00:19:55,751
Any chance of getting that doll back?
377
00:19:55,959 --> 00:19:58,460
I really underestimated
how strong my feelings for it were.
378
00:20:00,459 --> 00:20:03,293
I know. I was the one who walked in
on you brushing her hair.
379
00:20:04,584 --> 00:20:06,584
And I was the one who asked you
not to repeat that.
380
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,083
I'll have a mojito.
381
00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:11,335
Sorry, we don't do off-menu drinks.
382
00:20:11,459 --> 00:20:12,960
-I'm on it.
-Bup-bup-bup!
383
00:20:13,792 --> 00:20:14,875
One mojito coming up.
384
00:20:16,209 --> 00:20:18,085
What are you doing? We failed the class.
385
00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:20,417
Oh, first time I didn't fart saying that.
386
00:20:21,501 --> 00:20:22,452
You failed.
387
00:20:22,542 --> 00:20:24,119
Between studying and helping you cheat,
388
00:20:24,209 --> 00:20:26,418
I learned how to make
every drink in that book.
389
00:20:26,667 --> 00:20:29,334
Oh, my God, Max, you learned something.
390
00:20:30,042 --> 00:20:31,960
I failed so you could succeed.
391
00:20:32,250 --> 00:20:34,375
So in a way, I succeeded too.
392
00:20:34,918 --> 00:20:36,752
You've done it again, Caroline Channing.
393
00:20:37,709 --> 00:20:39,251
Oh, yeah!
394
00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:44,960
The live sex show is here.
29943
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