All language subtitles for The Happytime Murders 2018 1080p Blu-ray Remux AVC DTS-HD MA 5.1 - KRaLiMaRKo_track3_eng

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

SONG: X We're gonna have,
we're gonna have

♪ We're gonna have,
we're gonna have a good day

♪ And all my homies
gonna ride today

♪ And all these mommies
look fly today

♪ And all we wanna do
is get by today, hey

♪ We're gonna have
a good day... E

PHIL PHILIPS:
The City of Angels.

A dirty sun-drenched
beauty contest

at the edge of the Pacific.

It's a melting pot of people
who live together in harmony

no matter what color or creed.

Why do those people
get along so great?

Because there's one thing
they have in common

that lets them put aside
their differences

and celebrate together.

MALE PUPPET 1: Taxi!
Hey, taxi.

PHIL: The fact that
they're not puppets.

-(SCOFFS)
'HEM hey! What?

- Stupid puppet.
- Hey, you can't...

You can't...
You can't do that!

Fuck you!

Son of a dick.

PHIL: 'Cause although
it ain't a crime

to be warm and fuzzy,
it might as well be.

Hey, so does this massage
include a happy ending or not?

PHIL: 'Cause if you're
a puppet, you're screwed.

-(DOGS BARKING)
- Easy!

There's no squeaky thing
inside us!

(WHIMPERING) Okay.

Who am I?
The name's Phil Philips.

I'm a PI, and my home
is on the streets,

looking out for the felt

because sure as shit
no one else is.

And that's my office there.

It's a shithole
on the edge of Chinatown.

(PUPPET SINGS)
♪ You gotta dance! ♪

Oh, hiya, fellas,
fancy a dance?

BOY 1: No, you stupid puppet.

- Perhaps a song?
- Let's take his eye.

What? No, no, fellas,
cut it out!

You give that back right now!

Hey, hey.
Give him his eye back.

It's too early for this crap.

What are you gonna do
about it, you fluffy blue sock?

"Huh!
- Owl

- You little bastards.
- Let's go, guys!

Now get out of here.
Get out of here, all of you.

(MALE PUPPET 2 SIGHS)

PHIL: Look,
times have changed.

You don't have to sing
and dance for the man anymore.

Of course I don't have to.
I want to!

(SINGING) ♪ 'Cause that's
what puppets do! ♪

Hiya, folks!

(SINGING)
♪ Oh, when you tappin'

♪ Only happy can happen... E

Spare a penny? My wife's dead.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON PHONE)
- BUBBLES: Uh-huh.

Well, I will happily relay
your message.

Thank you.

Hey, Mr. P.

Oh, hey there, Bubbles.

How are you, dear?
Here's your Zuggler bar.

Oh, Mr. P, you're gonna
give me a very fat butt.

Oh, come on, stop it.
Any calls?

Uh,yeah,
Detective Edwards called.

She wants you
to call her back right away.

Did you tell her that I was in
Minnesota attending a funeral

because my Aunt Ruby
tragically died

in a Zamboni incident?

- Of course.
- Yeah? What'd she say?

She said, "I'd like to sew
your asshole shut

"and just keep feeding you,

"and feeding you,
and feeding you."

Well, that's a new one.

Yup.

I guess she heard
about those guys already.

Yeah. How'd that go
this morning?

Good. For puppet poachers,
they were real sweethearts.

100% pure puppet-

Straight from Tijuana.

Guaranteed to bring you
goodluck.

Don't you know
that poaching puppets

for their feet is illegal?

-(PHIL YELLS)
-(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

Oh! Oh! Ugh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, holy crap,
I'm exhausted. (GRUNTS)

So, yeah, I think
it went very well.

Oh, we have a new client.

I put her in your office.

Detective Philips?

I... I used to be.

Not anymore, I'm a Pl now.

How can I help you, Miss...?

White, Sandra White.

I received this
in the mail today.

(PHIL READING) "Pay US
$350,000 by Saturday

"or we reveal your secret."

Hmm. What's your secret?

Well, despite my bookish
appearance,

I'm a sexual I'mma.

What's that?

It means, "if I'mma get next
to it, I'mma gonna fuck it."

- Come again?
- Exactly.

And again, and again,
and again...

Mmm. I see.

If my proclivities
were to be exposed,

it would be devastating
to my family.

Please, if you could help me,

I would be...so grateful.

Uh, I appreciate grateful,

but it's $300 a day,
plus expenses.

Hmm.

This ought to start you off.

Thank you, Mr. Philips.

PHIL: I should've
turned her down,

but I like a little cushion
for my cushion.

And I needed the money.

PHIL: I've seen
that "P" before.

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

The case was on,

so I headed downtown
to see a friend.

Actually, not really a friend,

more of a disgusting
acquaintance.

Vinny.

(FUNK MUSIC
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Hey, Vin, it's Phil.

Vinny?

COW PUPPET: Oh!

- Phil, wow! Hi.
- Hey, Vi...

Sweet mother of God,

what the fuck
are you doing back there?

Oh, yeah, 'R's Cows Gone
Sour 2 - Even Milkier.

- Whoa, that's good.
-(MOANING) Moo!

PHIL: What the fuck?

Yeah,
the internet's killing me,

so I'm creating
my own content.

- Oh!
-(MOANING LOUDER)

Jesus Christ.
Shut the curtains, would you?

All right, if it bothers you.

When did you get so squeamish?

When did I get squeamish?
I'm not squeamish.

- I'm not squeamish.
- Yeah, you are.

I just don't wanna watch

an eight-arm reach-around,
all right?

Okay.

Uh, listen, do you have
the latest issue

-oi P uPDet Pussy Party? 'Hmm'?

Puppet Pussy Party.

Yeah, I saw that...
We got one just in. Let's see.

- Oh, great.
- Felt Fetish Furburger.

Ass Puppet Jamboree.

Puppet Chicks
With Puppet Dicks.

Ah!

Here we go,
Puppet Pussy Party.

PHIL: Yeah.

That's right.

- Bingo.
- VINNY: Hmm?

Looks like this mystery

is brought to you
by the letter "P".

Oh, Phil, if you like pee,
I have a whole rack of--

No. Excuse me, I don't...
No, I don't like pee.

- Vinny, I don't like pee.
- Oh.

(STUTTERS) I'm on a case.

Oh.

Listen, um,
do you keep a record

of which customers
bought what magazines?

Yeah, of course, Phil.
We're fully NSA compliant.

Do you think
I could see those?

Absolutely. Um, it's in
the office behind the theater.

Thanks, Vin.
You know I appreciate it, huh?

You're welcome.

- Oh!
- I apologize...

Cheesy, creasy, so... (GASPS)

- Bumbly?
-(BABBLES)

No Bumbly here.

No, it's Phil Philips, Larry's
brother. You remember me.

No, I don't,
I'm your average puppet,

minding his own business.

All right, well...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Whatever floats
your boat, pal.

Here's your
Chicks With Big Asses.

Uh, that's not mine.

I'm a businessman,
going to do my business.

And I certainly don't have
a crippling addiction to porn.

-(CHUCKLES) That's not yours?
- No!

Hey, you forgot your carrot.

- BUMBLYPANTS: Not mine.
-(CHUCKLES)

Fucking rabbits.

- PUPPET: Does that hurt?
-(MOANING)

Yes, you came
here for pleasure!

But I will only give you pain!

-(WHIPPING)
-(GROANING)

- Oh, you like that?
- Uh-huh.

- Bark for me, bitch! Bark!
-(MUFFLED BARKING)

-(GROANS)
- Jesus Christ.

DALMATIAN PUPPET:
You are my slave.

I will make you do
all sorts of things for me.

- Pick up my laundry.
-(CONTINUES GROANING)

- Here we go.
- Do my dishes.

Walk my dog.

I will pee on you
like you're a hydrant.

- Do you want that?
- Uh-huh.

Freaky-deaky.

DALMATIAN PUPPET: You are
a disgusting fireman. (GRUNTS)

-(WHIPPING)
- Where is your dirty hose?

Where is your filthy hose?

Okay, uh, take it easy. We're...

- I'm just gonna...
-(GASPS)

We're having a sale today,
which is that

you can have
anything you want.

- Oh, cheesy, creasy.
-(CLATTERING)

Oh, God.
This is oddly arousing.

I can't hold it!

-(COCKS GUN)
- Freeze, punk.

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHIMPERS)

-(GASPS)
- What the...

Please, I have 48 kids.

-(FIREMAN GROANS)
- Bingo.

DALMATIAN PUPPET:
Now a new kind of pleasure.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Hey, Vinny, I found it.

I'll bring it back when I...
Jesus fluffing Christ!

(PANTING) Vinny!

(SIREN WAILS)

PHIL: Detective
Connie Edwards.

LAPD,
Robbery Homicide Division.

We were partners once,
back when I was a cop.

OFFICER 1: Look who's here.

OFFICER 2: Hey,
why don't you sing us

a puppet song, sweetheart?

Oh, yeah, I'd love to.
It goes a little like this.

(HUMS) Fuck both of you.

Okay? We clear?

By the way, nobody really
wears their hat,

you dumb rookie.

- Jesus.
-(OFFICER GAGGING)

(SIGHS) You gotta be
fucking kidding me.

PHIL: Jesus.

EDWARDS: Oh, Philips.

Figures you'd be in the center
of this shitstorm.

Oh, okay. Hey, everybody,
it's Sherlock Holmes,

world's greatest detective.

Hey, it's a pair of socks!

Very nice, very classy.

I'm a witness, you asshole.

- You wanna take it outside?
- Yeah.

- You know what I'm gonna do?
- What's that?

I'm gonna shred you
into little bitty pieces

and I'm gonna put you inside
a king-size pillowcase

and I'm gonna have the best
goddamn sleep of my life.

That's very clever,
that's very clever.

Uh, did you pick that
outfit out yourself, huh?

Yeah, I un-sewed your mother

and I made a jacket
out of her.

Nice. What a delicate
little flower you are, huh?

- Yeah, thank you.
- What the hell is going on here?

- Settle down.
- He started it.

- No, you started it.
-(WHISPERS) You started it.

Good to see you, Phil.

Ah, it's great to see you,
Lieutenant.

And? And, "Good afternoon,
Detective Edwards."

Edwards.

Yeah, it looks like
you got quite the little

shotgun murder
on your hands here.

They said you were in the back,
but didn't hear anything.

That's not
the Phil Philips I know.

Oh, well, uh,
there was a porno blaring,

dogs barking, fire hoses.

- You don't wanna know, sir.
- No, I don't.

Edwards, what do you see?

Looks like a robbery
gone bad to me.

Lieutenant, this wasn't
a robbery. This was a hit.

What makes you think that?

Well, because the robber
didn't take the money.

(SIGHS) Shitcakes.

Lieutenant, uh,
the press is here.

- Wonderful.
- Am I free to go, sir?

- No.
- BANNING: Yes.

- Yes, you are free to go.
- No one asked you.

No. Why would we let him go?

It's none of your business
why I can go or not.

It's up to him,
he's the lieutenant.

You are free to go.

You need to go out the back
while I talk to these cretins.

The last thing
this department needs

is for anyone to see you here.

Yup, I'm still
the department's

dirty little
puppet secret, huh?

- Well, if the shoe fits.
- Fuck you.

- Yeah, fuck you, too.
- Fuck you more.

ANNOUNCER: You're watching

the Puppet Television Network.

ALL: It's Happytime!

ANNOUNCER".
Returning this fall,

that motley crew
of misfits

that entertained you
throughout the '90s.

At home with Jenny, Coach Lyle,

Goof er the handyman,

Mr. Bumblypants,

and next door neighbors
Ezra and Cara.

-(DOORBELL RINGS)
- And, of course,

Officer Larry Shenanigans.

Freeze!

You're under arrest
for being too hot to handle.

NARRATOR: So tune in
for the entire Happytime Gang,

only on the Puppet
Television Network.

Syndication, baby brother.

I am gonna make a killing
on those royalty checks.

Looks like I'll finally
be able to pay off

my Scientology dues.

Yeah, too bad you can't
buy your old nose back.

All right, this nose has been

in more fluff
than you can imagine.

So, uh, you're not concerned
with Bumblypants being killed?

Bumbly would've wanted
to die in a porn shop.

That was his heaven.

- Excuse me.
- LARRY: Hmm?

Are you Officer Shenanigans?

Uh, does this answer
your question?

Freeze! You're
under arrest for being...

- Too hot to handle!
- Too hot to handle!

- Oh, my gosh!
-(CHUCKLES) You got it.

Man, that is the greatest line
of all time.

- Yeah.
- I loved your show

-when I was a kid.
- Ah.

Are you a TV star, too?

Uh, no. I have a real job.

ROBIN: Ah, yeah, me, too.

L sell weed. (CHUCKLES)

Don't tell
Officer Shenanigans.

Uh-oh, someone's
gonna get arrested.

- Ah, don't do it.
-(BOTH LAUGH)

-(SOFTLY) Jesus Christ.
- ROBIN: Hey.

I'll stalk you later.
I want a selfie.

- All right. (CHUCKLES)
- ROBIN: Cool.

What a sweetheart she was.

Damn it, Phil, Jesus!

Don't upset the fans.

Oh, those are your fans now?

- Huh? Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

Sure, the ones that like
that bleached skin

-and that human nose you got?
-(SIGHS)

You know what, Phil,
The Happytime Gang

was groundbreaking, okay?

It was the first network show
starring puppets

that was accepted by everyone.

People loved us, Phil.

Jeez, you don't have to deny
the puppet part of yourself.

Phil, don't you remember
when we were kids, huh?

I used to love
watching you dance.

Who bent your boner?

Take your head out of your ass
and look around.

It's their world,
and we just live in it.

- I know this is hard for you.
- What is?

That I'm the one who's going
down in the history books.

Both Philips bros don't need
to change the world.

You gave it a shot
with your whole

trying-to-be-a-cop thing.

Hey. I was a cop,
and a damn good one.

Yeah, Phil, you were the first
puppet cop and the last.

Move on.

Larry... (SIGHS)

- What?
- I love you.

What? Where are you going?

But sometimes,
you can be a real asshole.

You know, it's funny
you should say that.

I don't actually have my real
asshole anymore either.

(CHUCKLING)
Oh, Phil, it's on again.

Oh, what a wonderful surprise.

What are you harassing me for
this time, Edwards?

I just happen to like
the milkshakes here.

Oh, yeah? How many a day
you up to now?

Or, uh, you're just hitting
the syrup, too?

You got to stop
moving through the world

like the laws
don't apply to you.

Excuse me, excuse me.

You know what?
It'd serve you well

to remember who
the detective is around here.

'Cause it ain't you, Philips.

Puppets aren't cops.

Yeah, well, you saw to that,
didn't you?

I think you gotta
take the credit for that one.

I mean, let's be honest.

Puppets just don't seem to be
able to handle themselves

in extreme
pressure situations.

You know what? Stay out of my
way if you don't wanna get hurt.

Oh-ho-ho!

All right, but what are you
gonna do to me, huh?

You know, one of these days,
you're gonna slip up,

and I'm gonna be there
waiting for you, Phil,

and I'm gonna take you down
with extreme prejudice.

Well, nice choice of words,
asshole.

- You know what?
-(ENGINE STARTS)

What are you doing? What the
fuck are you doing to my car?

Goddamn son of a bitch.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I must've slipped.

(ENGINE REVVING)

-(TIRES SQUEALING)
-(HORN BLARING)

You're a goddamn menace!

(LAID-BACK MUSIC)

(PHIL SIGHS)

Some marksman.

Oh, brother.

(INHALING DEEPLY)

"Puppet cops won't shoot
other puppets."

What a bunch of bullshit.
(SCOFFS)

-(KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Yeah, come on in.

- Hey, boss.
- Hey, dear.

I'm taking off.
Do you wanna get a drink?

Uh, no, I beat you to it.

-(GLASS THUDS)
- Oh.

I'm just gonna sit here alone,

get nostalgic,
and drink till I pass out.

Don't waste your time, Mr. P.

Most folks will never
understand puppets.

No matter what they look like
on the outside,

they're fluffy and good
on the inside.

Not like people.

You got a big heart, kid.

(SCOFFS)

Good night, Phil Philips.

Good night, Bubbles.

SONG: r Never gonna give you up

♪ Never gonna let you down... E

LARRY: Here we go.

Hey, you ready for this?

It's The Happytime Gang
Season 4 wrap party.

Shot the video myself.

Hey, Larry coming to you live
with the party cam! Whoo-hoo!

Your skin was so blue
and puppety back then.

You're way hotter now.

Yeah, couple of felt tucks
and a quarter-cup of bleach...

Here I am. (CHUCKLES)

LARRY: (ON TV) Let me see you
work it, Bumb/ypants.

Ooh! Ezra and Cara.

Those two are cousins.

- They're married with kids now.
- Ooh!

Goof er, need a drink, buddy?

No, I'm good.
Thanks, Lawrence.

Goof!

Whoo! Lyley, the Wildman!

(PUPPETS CHEERING)

There's Jenny.

PHIL: All right, freeze.

LARRY: Here comes
my brother with his partner.

Freeze, police!

We've had a lot of complaints
regarding this party.

That there's not
enough tequila!

-(ALL CHEERING)
-('SEXY AND I KNOW IT' PLAYING)

Phil used to be so much fun.

- Hey, babe, you made it.
- PHIL: I'm off duty.

Let's party all night.

Why don't you go and mix us up

a fresh batch
of margaritas, huh?

Oh, sure thing.

Mmm-mmm!

Oh, yeah.

-(CHUCKLES)
- I like your robe.

You like that?

Yeah, that blue
matches my pubes.

(SUSPICIOUS MUSIC)

LARRY: Hey, Britty!

Hurry back 'cause this hot tub

is too hot to handle
without you.

Coming!

(DOOR CREAKING)

(DOGS BARKING AND GROWLING)

-(BLENDER WHIRRING)
-('SEXY AND I KNOW IT' PLAYING)

(CHUCKLING) Hmm?

4000s BARKING)
-(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

SONG: I Girl,
look at that body... r

(SCREAMING)

(WHIRRING CONTINUES)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(WHIRRING STOPS)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Bad dogs! Bad dogs!

(YELPING)

(SCREAMS)

BRITTENIE: They were such
bad, bad, bad dogs.

Larry! Get out of my way.
Get out of my way!

Where is he?
I said get out of my way!

Phil, this isn't how
you wanna remember Larry.

I just gotta see him.

Lieutenant, I think I found
the murder weapon.

That fucking dog!

- Get the dog out of here.
- Okay, I'm sorry!

(PHIL PANTING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Jesucristo.

Looks like someone
had themselves

a real pinata party, huh?

- Son of a...
- BANNING: Hey, now.

-(PHIL YELLS)
-(EDWARDS SCREAMS)

(BOTH STRUGGLING)

Knock it off, you two.

(YELLING) Get your teeth
out of my tit!

Get off!

- Ooh!
-(SCREAMS)

You bit my dick!

You two need to start
behaving like goddamn adults.

I'm sorry.

I didn't recognize
that it was Larry.

I mean, he used to be,
you know, a lot bluer.

I don't know
if that's PC to say.

What is that supposed
to mean, a lot bluer?

It means he was bluer before.
I don't know how else to say...

- I can't say "blue"?
- Fucking racist.

There was a time
when you two were the most

decorated officers
in this department.

Your clearance rates
were double anybody else's.

What you had was magic.

Just like when
that motherfucker

David Copperfield
makes it snow inside.

That's not even
that good of a trick.

It's, like, two mirrors and
a laser, and I can do that.

- You fucking Houdini now?
- Maybe I am Houdini.

- I'd like to see you disappear.
- BANNING: Stop it!

You're gonna
work together on this.

Uh, excuse me, what?

Oh, come on!

This jackwad is the reason

that puppets can't
be cops anymore.

- He missed on purpose that day.
- Not true.

EDWARDS: Everybody knows
puppets don't shoot puppets.

The Philips Code
prohibits me

from having a puppet
as a partner.

- That's true.
- He's the Philips.

- I'm Philips.
- They hated him so much,

they made a code about him.

I'm not reinstating him
as a police officer.

I'm bringing him on
as a consultant.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not
working with this asshole.

Well, right back at you.

You wanna cry about it?
I'll park you behind a desk.

You don't cooperate, and
I'll bite you in the dick too.

Look, Lieutenant,
nobody turns my brother

into a chew toy
and gets away with it.

I'm gonna catch the bastards
who did these murders.

Murders?

I mean, no offense,
I don't wanna start anything,

but, what, did I miss
another body around here?

No, whoever killed Larry
also took out Mr. Bumblypants.

Bumblypants was
the target there.

What's the connection?

BOTH: The Happytime Gang.

(GROANS)

PHIL: I hated the idea
of having to work

with a partner again,
but I owed it to Larry.

He was my brother
and, deep down,

I loved the dumb
son of a bitch.

What do you know
about this Ronovan Scargle?

He produced
The Happytime Gang,

and he's your typical shyster,
meat sack piece of shit.

Can you roll down the window,
for Christ's sake?

(EXHALING)

(COUGHS) Okay. Well,
you know what, do you mind?

You don't mind if I have one
of your cigarettes, do you?

- No, go ahead.
- You know what?

I'm gonna take two.

Now we're... (COUGHS)
Now we're having a good time.

Isn't it nice just to relax?

That's delicious. It's like
springtime in Beijing.

We just wanna thank you
for taking the time

to speak with us today.

Well, I'm always
happy to indulge

our local law enforcement,

no matter how masculine
and unkempt they are.

Ah, well, I didn't think
I was unkempt.

No, no, you're the masculine,
he's the unkempt.

-(CLEARS THROAT)
- EDWARDS: Okay.

We will just stick to,
uh, some questions, okay?

Now, do you have any idea
why someone may want to murder

Augustus Bumblypants
or Larry Shenanigans?

It's a tragedy, what happened.

I gave your brother

and Augustus Bumblypants
their start.

Yeah, you also gave him
a bullshit deal

where your cut was 60%.

H9)'-

That is standard
operating procedure.

(WHISPERS) Puppets are dumb.

-(RONOVAN CLEARS THROAT)
-(SOFTLY) Fucking dick.

Well, we would like
to take a look

at that contract
for the syndication deal.

Well, I'm afraid
that's private information.

And who would care
about a puppet's share

in a contract anyway, right?

I mean, all those
little dummies want to do

is sing and dance,
am I right? (CHUCKLES)

What did you say, "dummies"?

- Yeah, that is right.
- PHIL: Mmm-hmm.

When you're right,
you're right. (CLICKS TONGUE)

I can't help noticing
this impressive view.

- Oh.
- For an impressive man.

-(EDWARDS CHUCKLES)
- RONOVAN: Thank you very much.

I don't take compliments well,
but I get them all the time.

(CHUCKLES) That's charming.

Listen, you and I
both know that

these puppets
wouldn't know a good deal

if it was staring them
right in the googly eyes.

What the fuck
did you just say?

Hey, Phil, why don't you let

the grownups talk
for a minute, okay?

(GRUMBLING) Fuck.

Don't worry, he retains
very little information.

Oh, my God, is that
the ocean over there?

RONOVAN: Yep,
that's the Pacific.

- I had to lobby for two years...
-(MOUTHING)

...to get that children's
hospital cleared

to make that
ocean view possible.

Wow, here's the thing.

You and I both know that this
is like puppet bullshit here,

but I'm just afraid
this asshole

is gonna make me
pull a warrant.

(STAMMERS) Oh, Wha...

What are these here?

Please, don't touch my balls.

They're made
of Tibetan marble.

- They're very expensive.
- Don't touch his balls.

Uh, I apologize, I didn't mean
to cup your balls. (LAUGHS)

Down there. What, do you have
alligator arms? Get it!

Okay, here's the thing.

You seem great,

and I don't wanna have to call
a judge on you, you know,

'cause you know that mess.

But little puppets
have big mouths, right?

I have puppet servants
at home,

and they get real uppity
if I don't keep them in line...

Holy shitcakes!

- Have you lost your mind?
- Fuck him.

How else was I supposed to get

that fucking thing
without him seeing it?

Literally, any other way
than what you just did.

Any other way.

Oh, yeah? I never
knocked a guy out

with his own balls before.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

PHIL: According
to the contract,

The Happytime Gang TV show

is about to be sold
into syndication.

"The seven principal
Happytime Gang cast members

"are guaranteed to split
the $10 million up front."

-$1 O million?
- Right.

Now, "if a member dies,

"then his or her spouse
gets the share.

"If there is no spouse,

"then the share
is divided equally

"among the remaining
living cast members."

Hmm. So, Ronovan
really doesn't benefit

if the cast shrinks.

Yeah, I guess I didn't have to

knock him out
with his own balls.

Yeah, well, somebody from
inside The Happytime Gang

is looking for a bigger piece
of the pie.

Yeah, and they're not
gonna stop

until they're the only one
left standing.

At least then we'd know
who the killer is.

All right, just slow down.
Here comes the street up here.

To find the killer,
we needed to look into

the remaining Happytime Gang
members one by one.

We started down
on Skittle Row,

the Stuffing Ghetto

where the sugar is cheap
and the sex is cheaper.

Looks like, uh, Coach Lyle's

got himself a bit
of a criminal record.

PHIL: You know, back in
The Happytime Gang days,

Lyle was as straight
as an arrow.

Well, looks like
his arrow got bent.

PHIL: This is it.

EDWARDS: Okay, can we please
just be professional

and keep a low profile?

PHIL: Of course.

(DOOR CRASHING)

(GUNS COCKING)

- Hey, look, it's the NRA.
-(GRUNTS) Get in here.

Okay, all right.
Take it easy.

- Take it easy.
- Come here, you.

- Come on. (GRUNTS)
- All right, all right!

Phil Philips, what a surprise.
It's been a while.

Hey, Lyle.

LYLE: Hate to be
the bearer of bad news,

but we don't allow
humans in our game.

Oh, no, no, no, wait,
you don't understand.

- Uh, she's not all human.
- Shut up, Phil.

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

PHIL: Edwards, tell them.

Fine. I have a puppet liver.

-(ALL GASP)
- GANGSTER PUPPET: Wow.

- Bullshit. Prove it.
- No way.

Bring her ass over here.

What you gonna do?
Cut me open?

- Roxy?
- Yeah.

Look at this,
Sacramento Red Hot.

Grade-A hyper sucrose.

It'll put a human in
a diabetic coma for a month,

but to a puppet, pure ecstasy.

I'm not doing that.

Do it, meat sack, take it.

(SNORTING)

(GASPING)

Huh...!

Oh, sorry about your dead
human friend, Philips.

Wait for it.

(GASPS) Whoo!

-(CHEERING)
-(LAUGHS) That is good shit.

Well, fuck me!

Maybe. (LAUGHING)

WOMAN PUPPET: She said
she might. That's funny!

Hey! (LAUGHING)

Shit, this woman crazy.
(LAUGHS)

-(ALL LAUGHING)
- Somebody get more of this!

- Boy, that's great!
-(GUNSHOTS)

Hey, wait a minute, now.
Put that... No, don't do that.

(LAUGHS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(MUTTERS)

PUPPET: We're laughing
together.

You're my favorite! (LAUGHS)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

LYLE: Half-puppet cop?

Never heard of that before.

- Yeah, tell me about it.
-(CHUCKLES)

Hey, uh, listen,
I need to ask you

a few questions,
if you don't mind.

Oh, oh, sure, sure.

Listen, I'm sorry
about Larry, man.

He was all right,
even after the bleach job.

Yeah, thanks.

You know, most fleshies
don't give a fuck

when one of us drops.

That doesn't make it okay.

You're absolutely right.

Here's to Larry, man.

To Larry.

Yeah, ashes to ashes,
and fluff to fluff, man.

JUNKYARD: Flush to
the motherfucking queen.

- Eat it so much, bitch.
-(ROXY GASPS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

EDWARDS: I'd love
to eat it so much,

but I have a sensitive tummy,

which may be
because I got a full boat,

you Kremlin piece of shit.
(LAUGHING)

- Oh, it's okay, babe...
-(BARKING)

(WHIMPERING)

JUNKYARD:
Get me some more lean.

- Oh, okay.
- Motherfucking bitch.

I just never really cared for
that word, if you must know.

You're one crazy
fucking bitch.

Bitches be crazy.

(LAUGHING)
"Bitches be crazy," right?

Am I right? I mean,
that guy knows.

Yeah, you're really nailing
my views on women.

Right, and we know.
Women... Women love you?

They do not. They decline.

(LAUGHS)
Here's the thing, though.

Would a crazy
fucking bitch do this?

PUPPET THUG 1: Wasteful.

Maybe, but a crazy bitch
would do this. (GRUNTS)

- Ohh!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

- Peekaboo!
-(GRUNTS)

(PUPPET THUG 2 SCREAMING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Huh!

(MOANS)

(YELLING)

(GUN CLICKS)

How about you
apologize to Roxy

and all the other
fine ladies here tonight

for your disparaging remarks?

Yeah, Junkyard!

I'm sorry, bitches.

Ah, ah, ah! Better tone,
same shitty words.

Let's try it again.

I'm sorry, beautiful ladies.

- ROXY: Oh.
- EDWARDS: AWW!

How does that feel, Roxy?

Better.

I... I feel better.

Oh, you feel better, too?

Oh, not really our goal.

Get a diaper
for your fucking mouth.

Yes. (SIGHS)

You're gonna
feel that tomorrow.

(PUPPETS GROAN)

I hope you don't
mind me asking,

but what the hell happened
to all your Happytime money?

Shit. After Loretta
and the kids left,

I blew all that cream on
panty-pie and poody-glitter.

Oh, jeez,
I'm sorry to hear that.

You know where you're going?

Right up my snoot.

That's where you...
You're gonna go.

"Where are we going?
Where will we live?"

In my nose!

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Hey, uh, who are your friends?

-(GUN COCKS)
- Gonna scope it out.

Lyle, stay. Don't do that.

(SOFTLY) Jesus Christ.
This is not a good idea.

You see anything?

They're not friends of mine.

{GUNSHOT)
- PHIL: Oh, shit, Lyle!

(SNORTING)

Whoo!

(PUPPETS GRUNTING)

_Holy---
_(THUD)

Ow!

(BOTH GROANING)

All right. Son of a bitch.

(BULLETS ZINGING)

EDWARDS: LAPD!

Where the fuck were you?

- I was in the can.
- Doing what?

Can stuff!

(SOFTLY) Jesus Christ.

-(SIGHS AND SNIFFLES)
- Here comes the lieutenant.

- Just hold your shit together.
- Okay. I am.

I have my shit held together.

What the hell happened here?

Well, somebody was trying

to make it look like
an old-school drive-by.

Look, Lieutenant,
this makes three

Happytime Gang cast members
dead in a week.

May I say something now?

PHIL: Please, go. What?

I'd also like to point out that
that makes three

Happytime cast members
dead within the week.

- I just said that.
- You both just said it.

Well, then we're fighting
on the same side.

It's like we're
Apache-Comanche together,

and no one's...

No one's coming in
with the suit jackets made

and taking over their land.

PHIL: What are you
talking about?

EDWARDS: I'm talking
about Apaches.

Apaches? What?
What did you say?

(MUMBLES) We owe them.

I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.

Can we just stick to
what's going on here, please?

- I'd love to. I'd love to.
- Okay.

What's your deal, Edwards?

My deal? I'm a Virgo.

Um, I'm not currently seeing
anybody, but I'm hopeful.

- Not the dating game.
- PHIL: She's got a little cold.

She's taking medication,
right, for the cold.

- So she gets a little loopy.
- Aw.

- I am getting a little loopy.
- Stop it.

- Back to this.
- Yeah. Thank you.

So what are we gonna do,
Lieutenant?

BANNING: I can put
a black and white on Jenny,

but Ezra and Cara
live in Lancaster.

That's out of my jurisdiction.

And nobody even knows
where Goof er is.

Reportedly,
he was last sighted

somewhere near
the Santa Monica Pier.

Also, I have also noted that

that's three
Happytime cast members

that have been killed
in one week.

What the fuck?

(SIGHS)

PHIL: The next morning,
we decided it'd be smarter

if we quit holding each other's
proverbial clicks and split up.

Edwards headed out to
the beach to look for Goof er,

and I stopped
by the office to check in.

- BUBBLES: Hey, Mr. P.
- PHIL: Heya, Bubbles.

Any calls?

No, but Sandra White
is in your office.

Oh, shit. I completely
forgot about that.

There she was.

Her hair red like fire.

Her ass hot like... Fire.

Ms. White.

Mr. Philips, the blackmailer
sent another note.

There's a photo this time.

PHIL: Jenny Peterson.
Of course I knew her.

The one human member
of The Happytime Gang

and a sexy skeleton
in my closet.

SANDRA: It was taken
at a place called...

Star Showgirls.

I recognize the pole.

I sometimes enjoy
the company of a lady.

Hell, who doesn't?

Um, can you think of anyone

who could be behind this?

That's just the thing.

I have quite an appetite.

-(CLEARS THROAT)
- You seem shocked.

Have I made you uncomfortable?

A little.

I have something for that.

Hey, hey. Hey,
what's gotten into you?

I'm hoping you.

-(MOANS)
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

There's a little voice
in my head

that is saying,
"This is not a good idea."

- Tell it to shut up and watch.
-(ZIPPER BUZZES)

What's it gonna be, Phil?

(SANDRA GASPING)

(SANDRA SQUEALING)

-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-(SANDRA SCREAMS)

- PHIL: Yeah!
- SANDRA: Yes!

(MUFFLED MOANING AND GRUNTING)

BUBBLES: Oh, hello.

Lieutenant Banning, police.

Bubbles, secretary.

Is Phil in?

-(SANDRA SQUEALING)
- PHIL: Oh, here we go!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Well, he's in something.

- Here comes the choc-choc!
- SANDRA: Yeah, choc-choc.

PHIL: Yeah.
I'm a freight train.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

SANDRA: (ON INTERCOM)
I'm the caboose, baby!

Oh, boy.

(SANDRA SCREAMING)

He's servicing
a client right now.

Can I get you a coffee?

- PHIL: Yes!
- Faster, faster, faster!

- PHIL: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- Is that what I think it is?

-(SANDRA SCREAMS)
-(THUDDING)

Well, what do you think it is?

-(THUDDING)
-(BOTH GRUNTING)

PHIL: Here I go.
Here I go. Here I go.

- Give it to me!
-(MOANING)

(SCREAMING)

SANDRA: Oh, baby. Oh, my!

-(PHIL GRUNTING)
-(SANDRA SCREAMING)

-(GRUNTING)
- Yeah! Yeah!

(GRUNTING AND
SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

I'm lightheaded,
I'm lightheaded.

SANDRA: Oh, my!

{SHUDDERS)
- Oh, yes.

-(PHIL GRUNTING)
-(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING) Oh, yes, yes!

SANDRA: Oh, yes!

You boys want
some Fiddle Faddle?

No, I do not.

Clean up on Aisle Phil.

Hope your meeting
is as satisfying as mine was.

Have a nice day.

Wait, wait, wait.
Wait for... Wait...

Oh, hey. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, Lieutenant.

- Hey, Phil.
- Uh, who's your friend?

- Special Agent Campbell, FBI.
- What a pleasure.

We need to discuss where you
were when the murders went down.

All right. Let me, uh...

How about you come with us,

so we can ask you
some questions?

That's fine, let me just
tidy up for a sec.

Excuse me.

-(MUNCHING)
-(GLASS SHATTERS)

- Shit!
- God damn it!

I want an APB out
on that sock now!

- Agent Campbell...
- This is out of your hands.

You just got a little
something on your arm.

(GRUNTING)

- Have you seen this guy?
- MAN: No.

- Anything?
- WOMAN: No.

Seen this guy?

MAN 2: Sorry.

- Have you seen this guy?
- MAN 3: No, sorry.

You seen this guy?

How you doing?
Uh, I'm looking for this guy.

Have you seen him?

I sense that
you are searching.

Yeah, I just told you
I was looking for a guy,

so you knowing that
does not mean you're psychic.

It means you can hear me.

Just tell me, yes or no,
have you seen him?

PSYCHIC PUPPET:
No. I ain't seen him.

Now, fuck off.
You're bad for business.

Yeah, go fuck yourself.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you, too!

Hey, man.
Have you seen this puppet?

Hmm. You know, I think he...

Jacob, we don't talk
to meat sacks.

- Jesus Christ.
- Yeah, what Chuck said.

Oh, show us your titties!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, come on.

That can't actually be
your shtick with women.

That has never worked
for you, am I right?

- Sure it does.
- Never.

- It does.
- Doesn't.

- Once.
- I doubt that.

I doubt that
very much for you.

Come on, I can tell
you've had crabs before.

- BOAR: Yeah, come on...
- I told you!

- BOAR: No, Chuck! Chuck!
- I warned you.

- Oh, Chuck! Chuck!
-(CHUCK SCREAMING)

CHUCK: Oh, yeah, she wants me!

- Okay, all right.
-(GASPS)

Have you seen this puppet?

All's I know is, is that
he's a real sugar smack,

and he's probably holed up
in that sugar den

over on San Julian Street.

- Thank you. Jesus Christ.
- You're welcome.

I gotta work for that?

Oh! No! You don't... Ow!

If you're gonna eat it,
you don't get it.

I'm huflgW-

Well, you should've bought
2O bucks of food, dumb-ass.

PHIL: I knew if the feds
had me in the slammer,

there's no way I could find
the real killer.

Most of all, I wanted to
protect my old flame, Jenny.

I still had a soft spot
for her.

Hell, I still had
a hard spot for her.

WOMAN: (ON RADIO)
All units advised.

Be on the lookout for
ex-puppet cop Phil Philips.

Blue male,
three and a half feet tall.

Last seen fleeing on foot
from 1643...

-('l TOUCH MYSELF' PLAYING)
- RABBIT 1: Oh, boy.

- Her makeup is so tasteful.
- RABBIT 2: Humana, humana!

- RABBIT 1: Look at that!
- RABBIT 2: Oh, wow!

- Yeah, twirl, baby!
- RABBIT 3: Yes! Carousel.

This is arousing
my Peter Rabbit.

She's got her hands
on my carrot!

Give me the carrot.
Give me the carrot.

Is this the carrot?

We are not in the briar patch
anymore, boys. Whoo!

JENNY: You want
some carrot, huh?

RABBIT 1: Oh, yeah.
Give it to us. Give it to us.

- Make it rain!
- Peel on me.

It feels like Easter
in my pants.

(RABBITS EXCLAIM)

Bite the tip!

(RABBITS CHEER)

PHIL: Jenny,
the one that got away.

As you can see,
she's the kind of girl

you take home to momma.

RABBIT 1: I just made
carrot soup!

Well, hello.

I didn't think you were
coming around here no more.

We need to talk.

Okay. Give me a minute.

I don't know her.

I can't remember
every puppet comes in here

to get her freak on.

- All right, fair enough.
-(CHUCKLES)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS)

You know, what is it
with this casual attitude?

Well, how am I supposed to be?

Well, you might be
a little worried

since three
Happytime Gang members

are dead
and you could be next.

I'm trying
not to think about it.

I got cops on me.

I don't know what
you expect me to do.

I gotta keep working

till the money from the show
comes through.

What do I want you to do?

I want you to take it
more seriously.

Jesus Christ, Phil.

Can't you see I'm trying,
you know, to...

(SIGHS)

I'm trying to forget
about all that.

You were always
so controlling.

All right, I'm sorry.

I loved you.

Hey. H9Y---

I just don't want to see you
get hurt, all right?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER
AND LAUGHTER)

Hey. Hey, hey.
You want some sugar?

Glucose, fructose,
corn syrup...

- No, thanks.
- Hey, hey.

- Hey, fella.
- Hey, handsome.

Are you looking for
some rotten cotton?

I'm a woman.

- That's okay.
- Yeah, that's even better.

- Got good time for you.
-(LAUGHING)

(CLATTERING)

FEMALE PUPPET:
You live your truth, baby.

(SINGING)
♪ Peanut buttercup... ♪

(HUMMING)

♪ Gonna get fucked up,
sugar... r

Better get that damn light
out of my eye.

-(SOFTLY) Goof er.
- Yeah?

- EDWARDS: Hey. Goof er.
-(SNORTING) Mmm-hmm.

(CONTINUES SNORTING)

EDWARDS: Ugh. God.

- Ahem. Are you kidding me?
-(GRUNTS)

Do you have some sugar
for Goof er, friend? (CHUCKLES)

I just want to know
what you know

about the Happytime murders.

Oh, Goof er give you
happy time.

For 5O cents, I'll suck
your dick. (CHUCKLES)

Well, it's a great price.

It makes me wish
I had a dick for you to suck.

Yeah. I'm gonna, um,
take that as a yes.

-(SNORES)
- God damn it!

-(GASPS)
- Do not come at me like that.

Do you want me to go
for my gun?

No. Unless you're talking
about your penis.

Then maybe.

Hey, you don't come
at me like that.

For 5O cents,
Goof er will give you a felty.

A felty? No.

I'll give you what I call
the "Continental Hot Sock."

I don't want
anything hot from you.

I will need
a gallon of kombucha

and some oatmeal.

- No.
- It's only 5O cents.

Just answer my question.

What do you know
about the Happytime murders?

They're married. The wife.

Married? Whose wife?
What did you say?

The wife. Where?

Yeah. You've got it.
The wife of who?

You're my wife?

I don't remember
getting married,

but you're pretty cute
for a fella in a suit.

I said "wife" because you said
"wife". Are you saying wife?

The wife! (GASPS)

(SNORES)

(SIGHS)

(SOFTLY) The Wife...

(CONTINUES SNORING)

(GAGGING) Oh!

I peed on that mirror.

You better get checked
'cause that shit is salty.

(GAGS)

JENNY: It's fine,
I know the plan.

I'll call you when I check
into a motel. All right?

- You promise?
-(CHUCKLING) Yeah. I promise.

I just want you to be safe.

Do you remember the first time
you ever walked me to my car?

Of course I do.

It was the first time we met.

Larry's birthday at the, uh...

- The Formosa.
- The Formosa. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

Yeah, you were so sweet.

Making sure I was safe.

Well, I'd never met anyone
like you before.

You ever feel like
me and you should, um...

...start over?

Oh, Jenny, I'm poison.

I poisoned me and you,
I poisoned my career.

Hell, I poisoned
every good puppet's chance

of ever becoming a cop.

- That wasn't your fault.
- It doesn't matter.

I still feel sick about it
every goddamn day.

Every poison has an antidote.

(SWEET MUSIC)

Good night, Phil Philips.

Good night, Jenny.

Yeah, it was great
seeing Jenny again,

reminded me that somewhere

in my stuffing-filled chest
was still a...

-(EXPLOSION)
-(GASPING)

No! Oh!

- Jenny!
-(SIRENS BLARING)

(GRUNTING)

Ah, shit, shit, shit.

COP: Freeze, Philips!

PHIL: My head was spinning.

Larry, Jenny -
everyone in this world

I care about was
getting knocked off.

I just needed to lay low,

and as much as I hated
to admit it...

Edwards?

...there was only
one place I could go.

- Oh, dear God!
-(DOOR CLOSES)

She's a complete sugar smack.

You awake?

-(SNORING)
- Oh, no.

(GRUNTS)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(MUSIC DARKENS)

Drop the fucking gun!

Drop your gun,
or I'm gonna fucking kill her!

Take the fucking shot, Phil!

PHIL: Need a clean shot.

You're a puppet, not a fleshy.

- Why you messing with me?
- Take the fucking shot!

Take the shot, Phil!

PHIL: Bye-bye, puppet-

Daddy! Daddy!

(GRUNTS)

(GUNSHOT)

No, no, no, no, no!

(GROANING)

No! Daddy!

PHIL: Multiple shots fired.

Civilian casualty and officer
down. Sixth and Grand.

Edwards! Jesus Christ.

What the fuck, Phil?
How could you miss him?

I'm sorry, I choked.

You're gonna be all right.

-(GROANING)
- Hey, hey, hang on.

You just hang on,
you understand?

Hey!

A little help here!
Can you get me some help?

Out of the way, incoming.

Dr. Trevor, we have a fleshy

with a bullet wound
through the liver.

DR. TREVOR: Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What are you doing?
- She's been shot.

No, no, no, we don't treat
humans here.

We only have parts
for puppets.

She's dying, Doc.

I'm sorry, I cannot do
anything about it.

It's unethical.

(GASPS)

You're gonna save
my partner's life,

or you're gonna die trying.

(DISTANT VOICE) Wake up!

Phil, wake up.

- ALL: Wake up, Phil!
- Wake up!

- Wakey-wakey!
- Wake up, Phil!

Wake up, Phil. Wake up, Phil!

- Phil, wake up!
- Hey, hey.

What? Did you fucking
break into my house?

Oh.

I, uh... I had
nowhere else to go.

And, uh...

...Jenny's dead.

What?

Yeah. They think I did it.

(SIGHS) Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

I'm sorry, Phil.

Yeah.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Did you clean my apartment?
- Yeah.

- You got a problem with that?
- It's just weird.

It's like stealing
somebody's car

just so you can put
new fucking tires on it.

I don't know how to take this.

-(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
- You gonna get that or what?

Edwards.

By the way, you sleep
with your mouth wide open.

Like this.

-(MOUTHS)
- Who sleeps like that?

Uh, um...

(STAMMERS) Yeah,
I just saw Goof er last night.

What? Who is this?

Uh-huh. Philips?

-(WHISPERS) What?
- No.

It's just this doesn't sound
like something Phil...

- PHIL: Who is it?
- Yes, sir. (SNAPS FINGERS)

- Crystal clear.
- Oh, shit.

Uh, I... No.
I haven't seen him.

No. Yes, sir.

- Is it the lieutenant?
- Yes, sir.

What? What? What?

Goofer's washed up.

Literally.

Shit.

Looks like a pretty classic
smash and splash.

Beat his head in,
threw him off the pier.

Man, I thought
he smelled bad alive.

You guys might wanna
look away.

This will not be pretty.

- Ah, Christ.
-(BANNING GROANS)

(OFFICER GRUNTS)

Edwards, is your history
with Philips

gonna be a problem here?

No, it's not.

If he did it,
I'll bring him in myself.

If he makes any contact,
I wanna know immediately.

What's in the cooler?

EDWARDS: My lunch.

I get very hungry
for cold foods.

OFFICER: Okay.

There we go.

EDWARDS: God,
I hate the beach.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

You know, that Agent Campbell
is a real douchebag.

(GASPING)

You trying to asphyxiate me?

Hey, I said a backpack,
you said the cooler. So...

Yeah. I said a cooler
with holes. There's no holes.

- A wife, huh?
-(ENGINE STARTS)

So, it's gotta be
Ezra and Cara.

Yeah, why don't we
pay a little visit

to those creepy
kissing cousins?

All right, let's go. Wanna help
me get the hell out of here?

- Yeah. All right, don't worry.
- Jesus Christ.

I think you might have done
some irreparable damage.

That's my neck. (GAGS)

Well, let me just...
I'm gonna try something.

PHIL: Go ahead.

(YELPING) That's my balls!

- What are you doing?
- Oh, God!

Jesus Christ!
- I thought it was your shoe.

(WHIMPERS)

God damn it.
There you go, there you go.

- PHIL: Okay, okay.
- Attaboy, attaboy.

It's like a fucking birth.

SONG". X People want
my power... F

PHIL: Ezra and Cara.

The kissing cousins hadn't made
a public appearance in years.

They moved out
to the middle of nowhere,

had a couple of kids,

which is fucked up,
if you ask me.

But it was a two-hour drive,

and Edwards had gone
moody as shit,

which didn't make the time
go any faster.

You're quiet.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

What, did you take
a vow of silence?

What, are you a monk now?

No, I'm not a monk.

(SIGHS)

Actually, I don't know
what the hell I am anymore.

What are you talking about?

Well, what am I?

Am I a human? Am I a puppet?

Truth is, I'm neither.

I'm just scratching
and clawing

from one sugar fix
to the next.

Neither side wants me,
and I don't blame 'em.

(MUMBLES) I'm, um...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I missed that day.

I'm sorry I shot
the wrong guy.

I'm... I'm sorry
a little girl lost her father.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

But I'm glad
you're still here.

('THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR'
PLAYS ON CAR STEREO)

What the fuck is this?

What? What are you
asking me for?

- Turn that shit off.
- You're making fun of me?

It's your car,
it's on your radio.

I didn't put it on.

- It says right there.
- Well, it's not your...

It says. Look. "Paired with
Edwards' phone," or something.

- Look.
- I don't even have that...

- Turn it off.
-...song in my...

- I will turn it off!
- Why won't these work?

Turn it off! It's like
a tampon commercial in here.

Stop yelling at me!
You know what?

- How many pockets do you...
-(COCKS GUN)

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Jesus Christ!

-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- EDWARDS: You wanted it off?

Now it's off.

(EDWARDS PANTING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What the... You fucking shot...

You shot your fucking radio!

Whoo, I shot my radio.

You're out of
your fucking mind.

Oh, I feel better.

(LAUGHING)

- EDWARDS: Oh, my God!
- Oh, Christ.

- There's my phone.
- What?

You know what?
Yeah, that was me.

(BIRDS CAWING)

Looks like we beat the rush.

Yeah, well, they killed
the whole gang.

They're not coming out
without a fight.

Well, let's give 'em one,
paflnen

- Partner?
- Shut up.

Here. Better safe than dead.

What? You still have this?

I'm a bit of a hoarder.

I think you missed me.
(CHUCKLES)

(LOUD SCREAMING)

All right,
I'll take the front.

I'll take the back.
Meet you in the middle.

Yep. Just like old times.

(DOOR CREAKING)

-(LOUD SCREAM)
-(GASPS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

-(LOUD SCREAMING)
- Damn it.

All right, I'll huff...

And I'll puff, and I'll blow
your fucking door down!

(BOTH GRUNT)

(LOUD SCREAMING)

-(SCREAMING)
- Shh,shh.

(WHISPERING) Hey. Hey, where
is your mommy and daddy?

(SCREAMS)

That's why you don't swim
in your own gene pool.

(WHISPERS) They don't have
a fucking chance.

What was that?
What the hell did you see?

We gotta call child services.

What?

It's like
Children of the Corn.

You want chili with corn?

What? What the fuck
is "chili porn"?

What?

I can't read your lips,
you're a fucking puppet.

What the fuck... I don't even
know what you're talking about!

All I'm seeing is that
you look like a cloth vagina.

I'm not whispering, I'm not...

(LOUDLY) Ezra? Cara?

We got you surrounded.

LAPD!

Nobody has to get hurt.

Don't make this harder
than it has to be.

-(FLIES BUZZING)
- Oh, no.

Jesus... (GRUNTS)

Edwards!

- AGENT CAMPBELL: Freeze!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-(GUNS COCKING)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

AGENT CAMPBELL:
Freeze, Philips!

You guys got this all wrong.
The killer's getting away.

Put the weapon down!

- Drop the weapon!
- Okay. I'm dropping it.

Oh, shitcakes.

Edwards! Drop the weapon!

Put the weapon down!

- Drop the weapon!
- I did!

- Now!
- What?

Somebody want to help out
Stevie Ray Vaughan here?

'Cause he's obviously
fucking blind.

Stevie Ray Vaughan
is not blind.

- PHIL: Jesus Christ.
- Asshole says what?

- What?
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

This is my last warning.

- Put the weapon down!
- It is dropped.

- She dropped it.
- It's on the fucking ground!

Oh. Sorry.

Go arrest 'em.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(EXHALING)

You can't actually like me
for these murders.

We like you very much
for these murders.

What's my motive?

The reason most men
do stupid things. A woman.

Enjoy the show.

PHIL: What the hell
is she doing here?

EDWARDS: Who is that?

It's Sandra White.
She's one of my clients.

Actually her name
is Sandra Peterson.

She walked into the federal
building this morning

and said you murdered
her wife, Jenny Peterson.

Hey, I didn't murder anybody.

EDWARDS: I didn't know
Jenny was even married.

- Neither did I.
- Let's listen in.

Well, he said that
he killed them.

The entire Happytime Gang.

- Even his own brother.
- W hat?

AGENT CAMPBELL:
And why would he do that?

We've been having an affair,

and he wanted
to run away together.

He said he killed them all

so that I would get
my wife Jenny's share,

and then I'd be rich,

and he could have me
all to himself.

I should've kept
my fuzzy blue in my pants.

Shut up, Phil.

And how long had you been
having this affair?

Months.

We'd rendezvous at his office.

I saw you there, remember?

(CLICKS TONGUE)
Just like the French.

(EXHALES)

Well, I guess now we know

the purple carpet
doesn't match the drapes.

- I think we've heard enough.
- What? This is a setup.

Sandra White came
to me as a client

and sent me to that
porno shop.

She orchestrated
the whole thing.

BANNING: (SIGHS) Jesus, Phil.

You were there
when every member

of The Happytime Gang
was murdered.

- My hands are tied.
- PHIL: Lieutenant, come on.

Get him out of here.

- Lieutenant, what are you doing?
- Come on with...

No, this is ridiculous. Come on.

Okay. All right.
All right, tough guy.

Come on, guys. You don't really
have to cuff him, do you?

Edwards,
you know I'm innocent.

Get me out of here.

Hey, Campbell.

Listen, I know that
Philips is a pain in the ass,

but you don't actually
like him for this, do you?

Philips was at
every murder scene,

and we have a witness
to prove it.

What else do you want,
Edwards?

You of all people going
to bat for a goddamn puppet...

What the fuck is that
supposed to mean?

I'm sticking up for him
because my gut

is telling me
that Philips didn't do this.

Yeah, well, of course
your gut is saying that.

It's full of puppet fluff.

You're a fucking asshole.

Listen to yourself,
or is that your liver talking?

- You fucking...
- Hey, hey, hey!

Knock it off, you two!

EDWARDS: Eat sugar,
you fuck! Get away!

- Get off of me!
- JOEY: Knock it off!

(ALL STRUGGLING)

- JOEY: God, you two!
- Get off!

AGENT CAMPBELL: That's it!
You're done, Edwards.

Consider yourself suspended.

- Give me your badge.
- Yeah. Great. Here.

Fucking choke on it.

Fuck all of you guys.

Fuck you, Reith.
You know what?

It's my fucking charger

that you never asked for
and you never gave back.

- Nice.
- You all fucking suck.

Yeah, yeah.
Burn every bridge. Good.

And you know what?
Everybody knows

Karen is not a real redhead.

- I'm a real redhead.
- No, you're not.

You had enough bush
coming out of your cutoffs

at the family picnic

-to fucking choke a horse.
- Jeez.

Carol, we never got to talk,
but you seem cool.

And I wish I would've
fucked you, Donnie.

It's not too late.

It's not.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

(GASPS) Oh, God damn it!

How the hell
did you get in here?

It was actually very easy.
I just picked the lock.

It took me, like,
under a minute.

Oh, great, apparently
anybody who wants to

can just walk
right into my apartment.

- Great.
- Listen.

I need your help to save him.

Do you know what they'll do
to a puppet ex-cop in prison?

They will tear out
all of his stuffing

and fill him back up
with rice pilaf.

- And then they'll fuck it.
- Okay, just...

They fuck that rice pilaf

until it's more like
a mashed potato.

Okay.

It's a term they call
"pilafing."

All right, all right,
all right. Move.

You think you are the only one
thinking about this stuff?

I think about pilafing
all the time.

I'm not talking
about pilafing.

I've been searching public
records on Sandra White

and guess what I found.

Nothing. There is no Sandra
White before two years ago.

She didn't exist. Can I have
one of those bananas?

What? No, you can't. No!

And what do you mean, she
didn't exist? Everybody exists.

Social Security numbers,
tax records.

Nada.

But I tailed her to a rat trap
of an apartment in Hollywood.

What's she doing
in a Hollywood apartment?

She's got a big place
up in the Palisades.

You know what? I don't care
and I don't wanna know.

And you shouldn't be
following people, Bubbles.

It's dangerous.

We're the only people in
the world that can save Phil.

And I can't do it by myself

'cause I wear heels.

I occasionally wear heels.

I don't think so.

Come on.

Oh, shitcakes.

Yeah...! No.

(WHISPERS) Here.

(WHISPERING) Okay,
I see it. I see the number.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

I don't think anybody's there.

All right,
I'm gonna get us in.

What the fuck are you doing
with the banana?

I got it from your apartment.

Jesus, put it away.
I'm gonna get us in.

- Just watch for me.
- No, no, no.

Move out of the way.
You're so dramatic.

EDWARDS: What, do you rob
houses on the weekends?

BUBBLES: Shh!

Impressive.

Well, a girl's
got to be resourceful.

Come in. Shut the door.

Okay.

Something doesn't feel right.

I'm not buying that
two women live here.

I'm not buying
that anybody lives here.

There's no photos
or personal items.

Huh.

Look at this, nothing.

Is that the bedroom
back there?

It's the bathroom.

Bingo.

We got another room
back there.

- What?
- There's a room behind this.

- Help me. Come on, help me.
- This?

Push it. (GRUNTS)

- Oh, God.
- Wow!

Oh, boy, that's creepy.

You don't see that every day.

Okay, stand back. Stand back.
I'm going to get us in.

- I don't need...
- I got it.

I've got it. I've got it.

(GRUNTS)

-(GROANING)
- Oh.

Oh, I blew my hymen.

Ah, that looks really painful.

Ooh, my under-chassis.

I'm gonna have to ice myjunk.

(EXHALES)

Oh, that was relatively easier
than the other one.

Okay. Wait, wait... Okay.

(WHISPERING) Okay, stand...
Can you please give me...

- I'm so sorry.
- Don't hold my...

I won't. I won't.

God, you're so... You're...

- I'm so...
- Stop touching me.

- I'm so nervous.
- Stop touching me.

BUBBLES: Oh, my God.

EDWARDS: We've got ourselves
a good old-fashioned nutjob.

BUBBLES: Jeez,
this must have taken years.

This is one sick fuck.

She's got them all.

(BUBBLES GASPS)

Detective Edwards, look.

Why, she's got a real sweet
spot for our boy Phil, huh?

Oh, poor Mr. P.

- Oh, my God.
- Wait a minute.

BUBBLES: What a psycho.

What the hell's she doing
with a picture

of Jasper Jackabee
and his daughter?

BUBBLES: Purple hair
on a puppet, that's very rare.

Oh, my God.

I saw you there, remember?

I guess the carpet does
match the drapes.

(GASPS) I knew this skirt
was see-through!

I just don't like
wearing underwear.

I don't like the way it feels.

I'm not talking about you.

Sandra White
is Jackabee's daughter.

What a fucking psycho bitch.

This room is like
a signed confession from her.

It also proves that
Phil is innocent.

We got her.

- BUBBLES: "Play me"?
- No, no, no! Don't touch it!

SANDRA: Ka-fucking-boom!

- BUBBLES: Oh, my God!
- Get out!

- Go, go, go!
-(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

You know I have
no bones, right?

You're basically fluffing
a pillow here. Hah!

-(GRUNTS)
- Knock it off.

Philips, you got a visitor.

- Le'['$
"(3lGHS)

EDWARDS: (CHUCKLES) All right.

Well, I'll see you later,
Tommy.

I just need five minutes.

(PHIL EXHALING)

Jesus Christ, Phil,
you look terrible.

Yeah? Well, at least
I didn't get fuckin' pilaf ed.

- I gotta go.
- Okay, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Listen.

I know I didn't
have your back before,

but I had no juice
to do it with, and now I do.

The Happytime murders
aren't about the money.

2O years ago,
when you shot that man

in front of his daughter,

that little girl
was Sandra White.

(COUGHING)

- Holy shit!
- Yeah, holy shit.

So you have proof?

Yes and no. We had proof
until it was incinerated.

- PHIL: Hmm.
- Bubbles and I may have

accidentally, uh,
burned down the evidence.

- What?
- But, boy, before that,

I'll tell you what,
lock her up.

That would have
been great, huh?

(CHUCKLING)
Would have been epic.

- Would have been nice.
- Yeah.

See you at my execution.

If we want to get you
off the hook for this,

we gotta take down
Sandra White.

All right.

What are you thinking,
partner?

(WHISPERS) I am thinking about
busting your ass out of here.

- Okay.
- What are you gonna do?

Wait, what are you doing?

(SCREAMING)

- I'm gonna shoot you in the arm.
- You did shoot me in the arm!

- Officer needs assistance!
-(SCREAMING)

Self-defense! There's been
a shooting! Oh, God!

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)

(SIREN WAILING)

What are you,
some kind of qualified tailor?

PARAMEDIC: Just let me do
my job, pal, okay?

To me, that's a waste
of good gauze.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I hear you.

Edwards...

Shut up, you dirty sock.

(WHISPERS) Yeah, pal?

I can't believe
you fucking shot me.

Here, get yourself out.

- I'm gonna get that.
-(PHIL GROANS)

(MUFFLED GROANING)

Thought you were gonna
bite me in the dick again.

Boy, puppets are
the worst, huh?

Does this smell like
chloroform to you?

What? (GRUNTS)

- Good night, asshole.
-(CHUCKLES)

Driver, can I ask you
a quick question?

Oh, wait for a red light.

Gotta go.

Philips Investigations.

Slow, slow, slow,
slow, slow down!

Tell us what you got, Bubbles.

Sandra booked
a private plane to Rio

that leaves out of
Santa Monica in 3O minutes.

- Oh, shit.
- PHIL: Jesus Christ.

All right, thanks, Bubbles,
you're a real peach.

Go get her.

Let's hit it, let's go.

All right, all right,
I'm going hot and loud.

(SIREN WAILING)

Okay.
How do you wanna do this?

- Alone.
- What? Oh, my God.

- Phil, give me my gun.
- Hey, hey, hey.

I ruined your life
once before,

I'm not doing it again.

This is crazy, we're partners.

You know this is not
what partners do.

Shit!

Oh, um, excuse me, sir.
This is a private terminal.

You clearly are not
wealthy enough to be here.

You need to get the fuck
outta here.

(GASPS)

Stay calm, Mike.

Just shimmy out
like Mommy told you to.

Freeze. It's over, Sandra.

What are you gonna do,
shoot me?

I messed up, Sandra.

I missed the shot,

and I ruined all of our lives
in the process,

and I live with that guilt
every day.

I'm sorry.

That's so sweet.

But go fuck yourself.

Larry and Jenny didn't have
anything to do with this.

None of them did.

Why'd you have to keep
killing the whole gang?

I wanted to watch you suffer.

This all started as revenge,

but you made me realize
I like killing.

And I'm really
fucking good at it.

Like Manson-level good.

And now, with $10 million,
I can do anything.

All right, so you're a psycho.

Maybe, but sex is always
better with a psycho.

- Right, honey?
- Yeah, especially felt ones.

Because our vaginas
are literally velvet.

- Oh, yeah.
- Drop it, Phil.

You definitely look hotter
than the last time I saw you.

SANDRA: You fell
for every trap.

Men are so stupid.

Drop that gun, Phil,
I don't wanna hurt you.

No, you just wanna use me,
like Sandra used you.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

PHIL: Oh, come on, Jenny.

She seduced you
and married you

just to get to me.

Shoot him, baby.

I don't know, babe.

It's like, he's not gonna
sprout wings and fly after us.

I think we should just get on
the plane and take off.

We're free and clear already.

Jenny, Jenny, listen to me,
listen to me.

12 years ago,
I took an innocent man's life.

That man was Sandra's father.

-(SANDRA GRUNTS)
- PHIL: Oh!

By the way, I want a divorce.

- Jesus Christ.
-(WHISTLES)

Hey, hey, get your fucking...

Hey, hey,
get your hands off of me!

Ahh!

(GRUNTS)

Fuck, why are you so tiny?

PHIL: What are you guys,
part of a cult?

This the job you get when you
don't make Secret Service?

Phil!

(STRAINING)

PHIL: Come on, fellas.
Let's talk about this.

Don't do this for that
purple-pubed monster.

(GRUNTS) You're throwing me
in a jet-engine?

It shows a real lack
of creativity, guys.

One! Two!

I hope my fluff sprays
all over your cheap suits.

- MAN: Three!
-(GRUNTS)

BYE-bye, puppet.

Bye-bye, asshole.

(GRUNTING)

Edwards!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

PHIL: Edwards!

- Om
"Ugh!

Edwards!

Phil! (GRUNTS)

- Come on.
-(PHIL PANTING)

Give me the key.
She's getting away.

Shit.

- Come on. Let's go.
- Thanks.

(GROANS) My ankle.

Sandra, where are you?

Come on. Let's end this thing.

It's over and you know it.

Come on out,
you little psycho.

Drop your gun.

(GUN THUDS)

-(PANTING)
- SANDRA: Stop right there!

Oh, what the fuck?!

Edwards! You all right?

It's déjé fucking vu, Phil.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, fuck me,
it's a gun to the head.

How'd she get the drop on you?

EDWARDS: 'Cause she's like
a fuckin' spider monkey.

Damn! She got me
that way, too.

Put the gun down!

Come on, Phil,
don't do this again.

- I don't have a shot.
- Take the shot, Phil.

PHIL: (SOFTLY) Just a piece,
just a tiny piece.

Don't fuck this up.

You're a puppet, not a fleshy.
Why are you messing with me?

{GUNSHOT)
{GROANS)

Jesus Christ...
Oh, shit, Lyle!

-(PANTING)
-(SCREAMING)

- EDWARDS: Take the shot, Phil!
- SANDRA: He won't shoot me.

He's a blue loser puppet
with a tiny felt cock.

(PANTING)

Oh...

(PANTING) Oh, shit.

Shit, Phil!

That took you
long enough, but...

on! (WHOOPING)

- You finally did it, Phily!
-(EXHALES)

A118 boy!

That was a nice shot. Fuck.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

(EXHALES)

You did good.

Yeah, you, too, kid.

God, it's very hard to
pull off all white like that.

- What?
- I got to give her that.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.
-(LAUGHS)

- Oh, man...
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Too soon.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You know, you gave me
quite a scare there.

I thought
I was gonna lose you.

Sweetheart,
you're never gonna lose me.

Bubbles, hey, you know,
I was thinking...

- You were?
- Yeah.

They broke the mold
when they made you.

They did?

And I'd like to
take you out to dinner,

you know, someplace special.

You mean, like, on a date?

Yeah.

Like a date.

(GIGGLES)

I'm gonna go home and change.

Oh, all right, okay.

- Hey, I'll pick you up later.
- Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

- Here you go. Thanks.
- OFFICER: Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hey, yourself.

You finally get the nerve
to ask her out?

Yeah, I'm gonna take her out
tonight for dinner.

- That took you long enough.
- Mmm.

Don't fuck this one up, Phil.
She's one of the good ones.

Yes, she is.

Good work, you two.
I knew you had it in you.

Oh, thanks, Lieutenant.

Edwards,
you're off suspension.

Thanks, Lieu.

And, Phil,
I talked to the captain,

and he put in a motion
with the mayor's office

to permanently repeal
the Philips Code.

What?

(EXHALES)

I know it's early,
but what the heck.

I've had this
sitting in my desk,

waiting for this day.

Wow.

How about that?

Far be it for me
to compliment you,

but you're the best damn cop
I've ever seen.

Oh, well, you're no
bag of shit either.

Well, you're a real
fucking poet, aren't you?

(ALL LAUGHING)

You asshole.

You are both equally
not bags of shit.

In fact, when you're
working together,

you're two peas
in a little fucked-up pod.

-(LAUGHS)
- Yeah.

You're the best, partner.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR RADIO)

-(TIRES SCREECH)
-(MUSIC STOPS)

-(WHISPERS) God almighty.
- Here we go.

- Here comes numbnuts.
- Yeah.

Word on the street is that
you did...okay.

Okay?

Phil Philips
is a goddamn hero.

Oh, no, no, no,
Edwards is the hero.

I just got a lucky shot off.

Come on.

No hard feelings?

Well, no, I still think
you're an asshole.

Asshole says what?

- What?
-(BOTH LAUGH)

I said, "Asshole says what?"
and you...

And you said, "What?"

-'Cause you're an asshole.
- PHIL: Yeah.

- What?
-(EDWARDS AND PHIL LAUGH)

- Every time.
- Yeah.

Always works on assholes.

I'm going back to the FBI.

Oh, yeah, what's that
stand for? Fucking Big Idiot?

Oh, wow, what a comeback!

Yeah, that's a reverse burn.

Hey, stupid. Say, "What."

- What?
-(BOTH LAUGH)

- Fucking Big Idiot!
- That's not what it stands for!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

PHIL: Maybe puppets do have
a chance for a happy ending.

Happy ending?

Jesus, I still can't get that
squirting cow out of my head.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) ♪ I know a guy
who's tough but sweet

♪ He's so fine,
he can't be beat... r

Let's dance.

♪ He's got everything
that I desire

♪ Sets the summer sun on fire

♪ I want candy

♪ I want candy... E

Hey. H9Y---

(BOTH GRUNTING)

What happened?
Did you break down?

I think I did.

(CREW LAUGHING)

♪ Go to see him
when the sun goes down

♪ Ain't no finer boy in town

♪ You're my guy,
what the doctor ordered

♪ So sweet,
you make my mouth water

♪ I want candy... E

(SCREAMING)

♪ I want candy

♪ Yeah! I

We need to talk.

Okay, give me a minute.

Do you have any coke?

(LAUGHTER)

-(EXCLAIMING)
- MAN: Cut. Done.

♪ Candy on the beach,
there's nothing better

♪ But I like candy when
it's wrapped in a sweater... E

- Hey, you forgot your carrot.
BUMBLYPANTS: Not mine!

(CREW LAUGHING)

♪ Then I'll have candy
all the time

♪ I want
candy

♪ I want candy

♪ Hey! Hey!

♪ Hey! X

- I have quite an appetite.
- How large?

Big enough to take down
the Titanic.

And by Titanic,
I mean your cock.

- MAN: Oh, Jesus Christ.
-(CREW LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

some; r Happy, happy,
happy, happy

♪ It's Happytime

♪ It's the Happytime Gang

♪ It's the Happytime
Gang

♪ It's the Happytime Gang. r