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1
00:00:09,053 --> 00:00:09,970
♪♪♪
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00:00:10,053 --> 00:00:11,387
[announcer] "Infowars."
3
00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:12,595
Alex Jones here.
4
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,345
As you probably heard,
5
00:00:14,428 --> 00:00:17,220
I was banned from Facebook,
Apple, and Spotify.
6
00:00:17,303 --> 00:00:19,345
You know, you advocate
killing one person
7
00:00:19,428 --> 00:00:22,261
and millions of fans with
dissociative identity disorder,
8
00:00:22,345 --> 00:00:24,553
and suddenly everyone loses
their sense of humor.
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00:00:24,637 --> 00:00:26,637
Yes, I am under attack,
just like the Jews
10
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:28,970
in the Holocaust
that may not have happened.
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00:00:29,053 --> 00:00:29,637
[announcer] Freedom of speech.
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00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:31,345
Freedom of speech
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00:00:31,428 --> 00:00:33,303
is enshrined
in the Constitution.
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00:00:33,387 --> 00:00:36,053
That means anything you do
with your facehole
15
00:00:36,136 --> 00:00:38,345
is protected by
the First Amendment,
16
00:00:38,428 --> 00:00:40,136
such as firing blow darts,
17
00:00:40,220 --> 00:00:42,261
driving a bulldozer
with your teeth
18
00:00:42,345 --> 00:00:43,887
into a hospital,
19
00:00:43,970 --> 00:00:45,053
and shoving a grenade
in dolphin's blowhole
20
00:00:45,136 --> 00:00:46,804
while screaming
"Sayonara, Flipper!"
21
00:00:46,887 --> 00:00:47,929
[announcer] So long, Flipper.
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00:00:48,011 --> 00:00:49,762
I am here for one reason only.
23
00:00:49,845 --> 00:00:51,303
Speaking truth to power.
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00:00:51,387 --> 00:00:53,136
That is my singular motivation.
25
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:55,011
[Alex Jones]
Buy my Cortex Quake pills
26
00:00:55,095 --> 00:00:56,303
and you will not die!
27
00:00:56,387 --> 00:00:57,553
Now available in Mixed Berry.
28
00:00:57,637 --> 00:00:59,136
[announcer] Cortex Quake.
29
00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:01,095
Do not believe anyone
who says these pills
30
00:01:01,178 --> 00:01:02,679
are just spray-painted
Mike and Ikes.
31
00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:04,220
[announcer] No shirt.
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00:01:04,303 --> 00:01:06,595
Let's bring on
the last remaining bastion
33
00:01:06,679 --> 00:01:08,428
of logic and civility,
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00:01:08,512 --> 00:01:10,512
-[Alex Jones] Donald Trump Jr.
-I caught a big fish.
35
00:01:10,595 --> 00:01:12,470
You met with the Russians
to get dirt on Hillary Clinton.
36
00:01:12,553 --> 00:01:14,303
So tell the folks
why the mainstream media
37
00:01:14,387 --> 00:01:16,303
is blowing this whole thing
out of proportion.
38
00:01:16,387 --> 00:01:19,095
Uh, last time I checked,
there's no law that says
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you can't conspire
with a foreign country.
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00:01:21,178 --> 00:01:23,387
Right, well, except there
are laws against it.
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00:01:23,470 --> 00:01:25,470
I can get behind
a complicated theory here.
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00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,220
But you got to ground it
in something.
43
00:01:27,303 --> 00:01:28,470
Look at it this way.
44
00:01:28,553 --> 00:01:30,053
Hillary colluded
with Russians,
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00:01:30,136 --> 00:01:31,387
which is bad.
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00:01:31,470 --> 00:01:32,470
But I colluded
with the Russians,
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which is good.
48
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,428
Please, do not make me be
the voice of reason here.
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Let me start over.
50
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I caught a big fish.
51
00:01:39,345 --> 00:01:41,679
You are disconnected
from reality.
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[announcer]
Interview over.
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[gulping]
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1776!
55
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Tomorrow I will
address these rumors
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00:01:48,804 --> 00:01:50,553
that my brain
is constantly spinning
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like a rotisserie chicken.
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♪♪♪
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[announcer] Infowars.
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00:01:54,512 --> 00:01:55,929
♪♪♪
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00:01:56,011 --> 00:01:57,720
[President Trump]
Build the wall!
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00:01:57,804 --> 00:01:59,512
Aah!
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00:01:59,595 --> 00:02:03,095
♪♪♪
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00:02:03,178 --> 00:02:05,303
Real Americans
are hurting, folks.
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00:02:05,387 --> 00:02:07,136
This morning,
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00:02:07,220 --> 00:02:10,136
I met a 50-year-old
North Dakota woman named Donna.
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00:02:10,220 --> 00:02:12,845
Donna has no money, no job,
30 kids,
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00:02:12,929 --> 00:02:15,095
they all live in a garbage truck
with no brakes
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00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:16,512
rolling down a hill,
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00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:18,720
and she carries her brain
around in a basket.
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00:02:18,804 --> 00:02:20,053
But what keeps Donna going
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00:02:20,136 --> 00:02:21,512
is knowing that, one day,
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a wall will protect
our southern border
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from Mexicans fleeing
for dear life.
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[crowd] Build the wall!
Build the wall!
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00:02:28,345 --> 00:02:30,011
All right,
same time next week.
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You bring the unfettered rage.
I'll bring the hats.
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00:02:32,303 --> 00:02:33,637
[crowd member]
When are you gonna build it?
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00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,136
I love you, too!
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00:02:35,220 --> 00:02:38,136
[Don Jr.]
That rally was so sick,
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00:02:38,220 --> 00:02:40,345
but these mobs
want this wall built now.
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00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,970
One guy told me
to build the wall by Sunday
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00:02:43,053 --> 00:02:45,345
or he'd choke me out
with his ponytail.
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00:02:45,428 --> 00:02:47,553
Look, I'd love to,
but I don't have time
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with everything
I've got going on.
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00:02:49,178 --> 00:02:51,553
[dog barking]
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00:02:51,637 --> 00:02:53,845
Dad, you used
to actually build stuff.
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00:02:53,929 --> 00:02:56,512
The Atlantic City boardwalk
is full of buildings
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with three of
the five letters of your name
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still attached.
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00:03:00,595 --> 00:03:01,428
Remember?
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♪♪♪
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00:03:05,428 --> 00:03:07,428
What happened
to that guy?
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00:03:07,512 --> 00:03:10,178
People are starting to
take my declaration
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00:03:10,261 --> 00:03:12,220
that we will build a wall
literally,
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00:03:12,303 --> 00:03:13,845
so I need
a progress update.
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00:03:13,929 --> 00:03:15,303
The, uh, budget office says
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00:03:15,387 --> 00:03:17,220
the only way to completely
fund the wall
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00:03:17,303 --> 00:03:19,178
would be to sell Wisconsin
to Qatar.
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00:03:19,261 --> 00:03:20,553
[Mnuchin]
That thing'll get built
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00:03:20,637 --> 00:03:22,136
the day my terrible wife
wins an Oscar.
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00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:23,303
The day Tyler Perry
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00:03:23,387 --> 00:03:25,220
casts me as
the love interest in
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00:03:25,303 --> 00:03:26,512
"Madea's
Got A Boyfriend".
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00:03:26,595 --> 00:03:27,553
Sarah?
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00:03:27,637 --> 00:03:28,762
I am not
physically able
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00:03:28,845 --> 00:03:30,178
to express an opinion
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00:03:30,261 --> 00:03:32,136
that is not also
your opinion,
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So here's a noise
instead --
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Mmmlarm.
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00:03:35,637 --> 00:03:37,762
Then I should tell my supporters
it ain't happening.
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00:03:37,845 --> 00:03:39,428
I'm sure
they'll be chill about it.
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00:03:39,512 --> 00:03:41,762
After all, I'm chill,
and chill recognizes chill.
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00:03:41,845 --> 00:03:45,595
[crowd] Build the wall!
Build the wall!
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00:03:45,679 --> 00:03:48,053
[President Trump]
We can't do a wall right now.
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We spent a lot of money
on baby cages,
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and a wall would just keep us
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00:03:51,470 --> 00:03:53,553
from getting enough babies
to fill 'em up.
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[Crowd member]
We still want the wall.
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♪♪♪
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00:03:57,887 --> 00:03:59,512
[announcer] Hannity.
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00:03:59,595 --> 00:04:02,387
President Trump's
bewildering speech tonight
123
00:04:02,470 --> 00:04:05,470
was clearly
a deep state-funded hologram.
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00:04:05,553 --> 00:04:07,762
Here to reassure us
that everything is fine
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00:04:07,845 --> 00:04:09,929
between him and the wall
is Donald the Trump.
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There's my guy.
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00:04:11,929 --> 00:04:13,178
Listen, sweetie...
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00:04:13,261 --> 00:04:15,261
It's over
between me and the wall.
129
00:04:15,345 --> 00:04:16,804
No. No-no-no-no-no.
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00:04:16,887 --> 00:04:18,595
I'm a real estate mogul.
131
00:04:18,679 --> 00:04:20,345
I don't know
how to build walls.
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00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,887
You weren't even trying!
You disgust me!
133
00:04:22,970 --> 00:04:25,136
Get off my show!
I hate you!
134
00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:27,428
Wait, I don't mean that.
I love you!
135
00:04:27,512 --> 00:04:29,053
No! Leave me alone!
136
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:31,553
-Sean, I --
-Somebody get me Gorka!
137
00:04:31,637 --> 00:04:34,011
[laughs]
138
00:04:34,095 --> 00:04:37,011
It is I, Sebastian Gorka!
139
00:04:37,095 --> 00:04:39,720
Sean, my boy, let him go.
140
00:04:39,804 --> 00:04:44,136
Together, you and I
shall birth a new society
141
00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:48,512
born on the iron spine
of the Hungarian river hound.
142
00:04:48,595 --> 00:04:50,595
Sebby,
I can't be alone right now.
143
00:04:50,679 --> 00:04:52,929
Can I come over?
-Why, yes.
144
00:04:53,011 --> 00:04:55,220
I'll put a soup
on the fire stove
145
00:04:55,303 --> 00:04:56,720
and cue up a flick
146
00:04:56,804 --> 00:05:00,428
by the Ruler of Rom-Coms,
Nancy Meyers.
147
00:05:00,512 --> 00:05:01,720
♪♪♪
148
00:05:01,804 --> 00:05:03,178
How could you not
endorse a wall
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00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,845
that preserves
racial purity?
150
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,512
This could be
the administration's Hoover Dam,
151
00:05:07,595 --> 00:05:09,887
only the water
is unaccompanied minors
152
00:05:09,970 --> 00:05:11,720
hiding
in rolled up area rugs.
153
00:05:11,804 --> 00:05:13,887
Look, I got two beefy,
older brothers
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00:05:13,970 --> 00:05:15,637
who taught me
to never indulge
155
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,637
in any stupid
flights of fancy,
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00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,762
like building a beach cabana
for my best friend Bucky.
157
00:05:20,845 --> 00:05:22,345
You knew someone
named "Bucky"?
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00:05:22,428 --> 00:05:24,095
He was
my Cabbage Patch Doll.
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00:05:24,178 --> 00:05:25,887
My brothers
drop-kicked him
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00:05:25,970 --> 00:05:27,929
and his half-finished
beach cabana
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00:05:28,011 --> 00:05:29,345
down a wishin' well,
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00:05:29,428 --> 00:05:31,053
and my sense of wonder
went with it.
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00:05:31,136 --> 00:05:32,136
♪♪♪
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00:05:32,220 --> 00:05:33,679
Well, I'm alone again.
165
00:05:33,762 --> 00:05:36,095
But one is never alone
who makes noise.
166
00:05:36,178 --> 00:05:38,053
[weird noise]
167
00:05:38,136 --> 00:05:39,720
[phone buzzes]
168
00:05:39,804 --> 00:05:41,595
Ugh, don't pick it up.
169
00:05:41,679 --> 00:05:43,970
It's just Hannity singing
some terrible song he wrote.
170
00:05:44,053 --> 00:05:47,303
[Hannity] ♪ When two men
lose their way ♪
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00:05:47,387 --> 00:05:49,178
♪ Often times it -- ♪
[cellphone beeps]
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00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:50,929
Dad, can you just
build the wall?
173
00:05:51,011 --> 00:05:52,053
It's impossible.
174
00:05:52,136 --> 00:05:53,553
We'll just tell everyone
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00:05:53,637 --> 00:05:56,095
MS-13 broke up
over creative differences.
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00:05:56,178 --> 00:05:57,679
That is such
bullshit!
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00:05:57,762 --> 00:05:59,762
Everyone said
it was impossible to refurbish
178
00:05:59,845 --> 00:06:01,387
the Central Park
Ice Skating rink,
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00:06:01,470 --> 00:06:03,136
but you did it.
180
00:06:03,220 --> 00:06:06,178
And you mean to tell me
that building a flat wall
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00:06:06,261 --> 00:06:08,762
is harder than building
an oval ice skating rink?
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00:06:08,845 --> 00:06:11,345
How did you think
of that shape?!
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00:06:11,428 --> 00:06:13,178
[Kushner] The skating rink
was already there.
184
00:06:13,261 --> 00:06:15,762
"I'm Jared. My dimples are
somehow not endearing."
185
00:06:15,845 --> 00:06:18,303
-"I know everything."
-"And I'm really handsome."
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00:06:18,387 --> 00:06:20,178
What is it about
making fun of Jared
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00:06:20,261 --> 00:06:22,595
that makes me feel like
I can tackle the world?
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00:06:22,679 --> 00:06:25,136
Family, I will build
that ice skating rink
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00:06:25,220 --> 00:06:27,011
on the Southern border!
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00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,762
So is anyone
going to correct him?
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00:06:28,845 --> 00:06:30,929
Maybe tell him to build a wall
rather than an ice rink?
192
00:06:31,011 --> 00:06:32,720
-"I'm Jared."
-"I'm going to jail."
193
00:06:32,804 --> 00:06:34,804
-"I know everything.
-"I'm really cute."
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00:06:34,887 --> 00:06:38,720
♪♪♪
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00:06:38,804 --> 00:06:40,595
[President Trump]
Breaking ground on this wall
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00:06:40,679 --> 00:06:42,220
requires
the most brilliant minds
197
00:06:42,303 --> 00:06:43,595
in government and business.
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00:06:43,679 --> 00:06:45,929
Which is why
I've selected all of you.
199
00:06:46,011 --> 00:06:48,095
I keep a glue gun
in my back pocket
200
00:06:48,178 --> 00:06:49,428
if that helps!
201
00:06:49,512 --> 00:06:51,220
We're not building
the whole wall.
202
00:06:51,303 --> 00:06:53,095
We just need enough
to fill a camera lens.
203
00:06:53,178 --> 00:06:54,637
Length -- 100 feet.
204
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,220
Height -- taller than a man
in search of freedom.
205
00:06:56,303 --> 00:06:58,762
Width -- One sixth
of a 6-foot party sub.
206
00:06:58,845 --> 00:07:00,470
Uh, I'll call Senator Cruz,
try to get some momentum
207
00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:02,637
for an appropriations bill.
-No Congress.
208
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,679
If I didn't need their help
building Trump Winery,
209
00:07:04,762 --> 00:07:06,053
then I don't need
their help
210
00:07:06,136 --> 00:07:07,387
building something
without grapes.
211
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:09,637
You said
there'd be grapes!
212
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,595
[President Trump]
I want you two to set up
213
00:07:11,679 --> 00:07:13,512
the ground-breaking ceremony
at the border.
214
00:07:13,595 --> 00:07:15,428
I'd do it myself,
but I don't want to.
215
00:07:15,512 --> 00:07:17,387
Sir, we're gonna break
so much ground,
216
00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:19,220
we'll shift
the tectonic plates
217
00:07:19,303 --> 00:07:20,845
and deluge California
with lava!
218
00:07:20,929 --> 00:07:22,679
Stevie, lava's
not always the answer.
219
00:07:22,762 --> 00:07:24,136
Just don't get
carried away.
220
00:07:24,220 --> 00:07:26,011
I'll keep him in line.
221
00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:27,595
If he gets out of hand,
I'll steal the pills he takes
222
00:07:27,679 --> 00:07:29,095
to keep his throat
from closing up
223
00:07:29,178 --> 00:07:30,887
every time
he sees someone happy.
224
00:07:30,970 --> 00:07:35,011
[President Trump] This is the
"Donald Trump Five-Point Plan
225
00:07:35,095 --> 00:07:37,804
to Build Anything You Want
Wherever You Want."
226
00:07:37,887 --> 00:07:39,845
I used it
to make Atlantic City
227
00:07:39,929 --> 00:07:42,470
America's number-one
family-shattering destination.
228
00:07:42,553 --> 00:07:45,053
And we're gonna use it
to break ground on the wall.
229
00:07:45,136 --> 00:07:47,053
Sweet!
Who are we swindling?
230
00:07:47,136 --> 00:07:48,387
We're not
swindling anyone.
231
00:07:48,470 --> 00:07:50,178
We're simply
inviting our friends
232
00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:52,512
to take part in the opportunity
of a lifetime.
233
00:07:52,595 --> 00:07:54,095
Sounds like
we're swindling people.
234
00:07:54,178 --> 00:07:56,720
"I was never subpoenaed
by my mom."
235
00:07:56,804 --> 00:07:59,095
[President Trump]
"Step one -- nail the pitch."
236
00:07:59,178 --> 00:08:00,595
[President Trump]
The Southern Border
237
00:08:00,679 --> 00:08:02,887
is an amazing,
amazing property.
238
00:08:02,970 --> 00:08:04,679
You got the desert,
the sand,
239
00:08:04,762 --> 00:08:06,512
those big fat plants
covered in forks --
240
00:08:06,595 --> 00:08:08,220
gorgeous.
241
00:08:08,303 --> 00:08:10,637
It's the perfect place
to build a wall.
242
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,387
When my father mentioned
the sand, the desert,
243
00:08:13,470 --> 00:08:15,720
the forks, the gorgeous,
I thought,
244
00:08:15,804 --> 00:08:18,261
"This is an amazing place
to build a wall."
245
00:08:18,345 --> 00:08:19,679
[President Trump]
"Trump International
246
00:08:19,762 --> 00:08:22,053
Desert Sunrise Wall"
will be fabulous.
247
00:08:22,136 --> 00:08:24,720
I'd be a fool not to jump
on this opportunity.
248
00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:26,095
Who is with me?
249
00:08:26,178 --> 00:08:28,011
That sucked.
Wanna see a good video?
250
00:08:28,095 --> 00:08:29,011
[keyboard clacking]
251
00:08:29,095 --> 00:08:31,595
Hold on. Hold on.
252
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:33,261
Okay!
253
00:08:33,345 --> 00:08:34,637
Oh there's an ad here.
254
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:36,762
It's --
I should be able to skip --
255
00:08:36,845 --> 00:08:38,637
Nope,
it's not a skippable one.
256
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,345
I swear it's so worth it.
257
00:08:40,428 --> 00:08:43,595
Okay, and it's...done!
258
00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:46,095
[man] Splish splash!
It's speedboat fails!
259
00:08:46,178 --> 00:08:49,053
[man] The funniest
and fastest fatal disasters!
260
00:08:49,136 --> 00:08:50,929
-That's gonna leave a mark!
-That's gonna leave a mark!
261
00:08:51,011 --> 00:08:52,303
[man] Ha-ha!
262
00:08:52,387 --> 00:08:53,887
[President Trump] "Step two --
263
00:08:53,970 --> 00:08:54,845
secure the investors."
264
00:08:54,929 --> 00:08:56,136
When raising cash,
265
00:08:56,220 --> 00:08:58,470
you always start
with the easiest marks.
266
00:08:58,553 --> 00:09:01,345
I bet these rubes have
a sick nest egg tucked away.
267
00:09:01,428 --> 00:09:03,512
Now, Karen,
don't agree to anything,
268
00:09:03,595 --> 00:09:05,303
unless he really
wants you to.
269
00:09:05,387 --> 00:09:07,804
Mike, Karen,
I wanna get you two
270
00:09:07,887 --> 00:09:10,845
in on the ground floor
of this amazing wall project.
271
00:09:10,929 --> 00:09:12,345
Ooh!
272
00:09:12,428 --> 00:09:15,011
It'll just require
some capital on your end.
273
00:09:15,095 --> 00:09:17,387
How much
can I put you down for?
274
00:09:17,470 --> 00:09:19,470
Let's see.
I got my coin from France,
275
00:09:19,553 --> 00:09:21,303
a punch card
to the yarn store,
276
00:09:21,387 --> 00:09:23,220
and a wrapped mint
so I --
277
00:09:23,303 --> 00:09:24,637
You're useless.
And Mike?
278
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,970
I'm afraid the contents
of Karen's tote
279
00:09:27,053 --> 00:09:28,720
is all we have
to our name.
280
00:09:28,804 --> 00:09:30,387
Oh, and the 401(k).
281
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:31,679
Ooh.
How much is in there?
282
00:09:31,762 --> 00:09:32,887
After our rabbit
283
00:09:32,970 --> 00:09:34,720
got pregnant
before marriage...
284
00:09:34,804 --> 00:09:36,136
-Nice!
-...we had to spend
285
00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:37,929
all but $37 sending her
286
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:40,512
to an Irish workhouse
for fallen women.
287
00:09:40,595 --> 00:09:42,804
Fine, I'll take that $37.
288
00:09:42,887 --> 00:09:44,053
And give me that mint.
289
00:09:44,136 --> 00:09:45,679
♪♪♪
290
00:09:45,762 --> 00:09:47,136
And at the top of the wall,
291
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,220
we'll have a squadron
of roving archers
292
00:09:49,303 --> 00:09:50,762
whose bows rain
flaming arrows
293
00:09:50,845 --> 00:09:52,095
down upon their foes!
294
00:09:52,178 --> 00:09:53,595
Hell, no,
we're not doing that.
295
00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:56,220
I've had
40 great flaming-arrow ideas
296
00:09:56,303 --> 00:09:57,553
in the last 20 minutes
297
00:09:57,637 --> 00:09:59,303
and you've rejected
each one.
298
00:09:59,387 --> 00:10:01,220
Me thinks the archer
is thee.
299
00:10:01,303 --> 00:10:03,220
If we build something
big and showy,
300
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:05,595
we're just setting up everyone
for disappointment
301
00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:07,637
when our boss
doesn't finish the job.
302
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,345
But he will finish the job
303
00:10:09,428 --> 00:10:11,845
if we remind him
of his illustrious past
304
00:10:11,929 --> 00:10:14,929
building the boardwalk's
flashiest cultural abominations.
305
00:10:15,011 --> 00:10:17,011
Relax, the only way
he's finishing that wall
306
00:10:17,095 --> 00:10:18,929
is if it's covered
in horsey sauce.
307
00:10:19,011 --> 00:10:21,637
[President Trump] "Step three --
break ground."
308
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,595
How are we supposed
to afford this groundbreaking
309
00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:27,011
when we only have
Pence's 37 bucks
310
00:10:27,095 --> 00:10:28,387
and a half-sucked mint?
311
00:10:28,470 --> 00:10:30,553
Maybe I've lost my touch.
312
00:10:30,637 --> 00:10:32,470
Why are things I want to happen
not happening?!
313
00:10:32,553 --> 00:10:34,261
There must be something
we can do...
314
00:10:34,345 --> 00:10:37,136
Um, "Blackmail Ed Koch."
No.
315
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,428
"Cash your tenants'
disability checks"?
316
00:10:39,512 --> 00:10:41,387
No. Wait a second.
317
00:10:41,470 --> 00:10:44,261
If we say the wall
is for science or whatever,
318
00:10:44,345 --> 00:10:46,095
we could get...
319
00:10:46,178 --> 00:10:48,637
[all]...a federal grant
with little to no oversight!
320
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:50,387
-Oh, Daddy.
-Oversight!
321
00:10:50,470 --> 00:10:52,178
Yeah, great idea
we just had.
322
00:10:52,845 --> 00:10:54,011
There. Job done.
323
00:10:54,095 --> 00:10:55,011
[crow caws]
324
00:10:55,095 --> 00:10:56,470
Unacceptable!
325
00:10:56,553 --> 00:10:58,428
This groundbreaking ceremony
326
00:10:58,512 --> 00:11:00,679
must inspire Donald
to build a wall
327
00:11:00,762 --> 00:11:02,679
that will stand
for 10,000 eons!
328
00:11:02,762 --> 00:11:05,178
What happened to your sense
of imagination?
329
00:11:05,261 --> 00:11:07,387
When the press corps'
cameras turn off,
330
00:11:07,470 --> 00:11:08,804
so does my imagination.
331
00:11:08,887 --> 00:11:10,428
Close your eyes, Sarah,
332
00:11:10,512 --> 00:11:12,178
and picture
Bucky's beach cabana.
333
00:11:12,261 --> 00:11:13,595
What do you see?
334
00:11:13,679 --> 00:11:15,553
No, that was
a stupid child's dream,
335
00:11:15,637 --> 00:11:16,762
and I'm not doing it.
336
00:11:16,845 --> 00:11:18,303
A thatched roof?
337
00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:20,804
A chair, perhaps?
338
00:11:20,887 --> 00:11:21,845
Two chairs.
339
00:11:21,929 --> 00:11:23,220
One for Bucky
340
00:11:23,303 --> 00:11:25,345
and one for
his work friend, Deb!
341
00:11:25,428 --> 00:11:26,637
Now whatever you did
342
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,428
to imagine
Bucky's beach cabana,
343
00:11:28,512 --> 00:11:29,762
do the same thing
344
00:11:29,845 --> 00:11:32,178
for President Trump's
big, sexy wall!
345
00:11:32,261 --> 00:11:34,178
♪♪♪
346
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:38,136
♪♪♪
347
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:39,720
I'm Wolf Blitzer.
348
00:11:39,804 --> 00:11:41,929
Welcome to
"The Situation Face."
349
00:11:42,011 --> 00:11:43,679
President Trump will host
350
00:11:43,762 --> 00:11:46,095
a border-wall
groundbreaking ceremony
351
00:11:46,178 --> 00:11:49,637
funded by a grant from
the National Science Foundation.
352
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,887
I'd go,
but when I leave the studio,
353
00:11:51,970 --> 00:11:54,679
I get spooked
and hide in the nearest barn.
354
00:11:54,762 --> 00:11:57,887
[President Trump] "Step four --
ribbon-cutting ceremony."
355
00:11:57,970 --> 00:12:00,220
Thank you to
the National Science Foundation
356
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:02,387
for providing the funds
necessary
357
00:12:02,470 --> 00:12:05,303
for the International
Desert Sunrise Wall
358
00:12:05,387 --> 00:12:07,762
and Crested Gecko
Research Center.
359
00:12:07,845 --> 00:12:11,261
We will now keep MS-13
out of our country
360
00:12:11,345 --> 00:12:14,095
and discover how geckos'
vascular systems
361
00:12:14,178 --> 00:12:15,804
respond to UV light.
362
00:12:15,887 --> 00:12:16,804
[crowd cheering]
363
00:12:16,887 --> 00:12:18,804
[man] I love geckos!
364
00:12:18,887 --> 00:12:21,387
An awe-inspiring display
that pleases the president
365
00:12:21,470 --> 00:12:23,553
and that no sane person
would ever approach!
366
00:12:23,637 --> 00:12:25,053
Great work, Sarah.
367
00:12:25,136 --> 00:12:27,512
It's like 30 years
of repressed whimsy
368
00:12:27,595 --> 00:12:28,720
just spilled out of me.
369
00:12:28,804 --> 00:12:30,345
I didn't know
what I was missing
370
00:12:30,428 --> 00:12:31,762
until you showed me,
371
00:12:31,845 --> 00:12:33,387
you little fetus-lookin'
weird alien guy!
372
00:12:33,470 --> 00:12:34,970
A lot of people said
373
00:12:35,053 --> 00:12:37,345
that I'd never break ground
on this wall,
374
00:12:37,428 --> 00:12:38,887
including myself.
375
00:12:38,970 --> 00:12:40,387
At my lowest point,
376
00:12:40,470 --> 00:12:42,970
I even considered
abandoning nationalism
377
00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:45,345
in favor of
a borderless world government
378
00:12:45,428 --> 00:12:48,136
where all humans
are treated equally,
379
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:50,220
but then I looked at my children
380
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:53,929
and remembered
that all people are not equal.
381
00:12:54,011 --> 00:12:55,970
[crowd] Trump!
Trump! Trump! Trump!
382
00:12:56,053 --> 00:12:58,345
My next guest
is President Trump,
383
00:12:58,428 --> 00:13:01,387
who has just swept me
off my feet all over again.
384
00:13:01,470 --> 00:13:02,720
Sean, I'm back,
385
00:13:02,804 --> 00:13:04,470
and I am not
going anywhere.
386
00:13:04,553 --> 00:13:05,970
I'm scared of how much
387
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:07,887
I want to believe you
right now.
388
00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:09,637
So, is the wall for real?
389
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,929
The wall is off
to a tremendous start...
390
00:13:12,011 --> 00:13:15,095
Start? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you mean "start"?
391
00:13:15,178 --> 00:13:16,929
Well, it's a big project,
Sean.
392
00:13:17,011 --> 00:13:19,762
Donald, please do not
do this to me again.
393
00:13:19,845 --> 00:13:23,011
I thought you were the man
who could build anything.
394
00:13:23,095 --> 00:13:25,845
Or was that just another lie?
-Do not fear, Sean!
395
00:13:25,929 --> 00:13:27,387
Gorka is here
396
00:13:27,470 --> 00:13:30,428
with "Father of the Bride"
on Blu-ray disc.
397
00:13:30,512 --> 00:13:32,970
[laughs]
398
00:13:33,053 --> 00:13:37,345
[Don Jr.] Dad, you used
to actually build stuff.
399
00:13:37,428 --> 00:13:39,553
Wait! Wait.
What I was going to say
400
00:13:39,637 --> 00:13:41,595
is that,
by the end of this year,
401
00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:43,345
the wall is going to be
402
00:13:43,428 --> 00:13:46,136
three walls deep
and four walls high.
403
00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:47,595
Oh, thank God.
404
00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:49,970
I'm just so glad
to have you back, baby.
405
00:13:50,053 --> 00:13:53,011
What do you want to do?
Go -- Go for a walk?
406
00:13:53,095 --> 00:13:55,387
I-I kinda just want to sit here
and be with you in this moment.
407
00:13:55,470 --> 00:13:57,845
And now, it's time
for the fifth and final step --
408
00:13:57,929 --> 00:13:59,929
"screw over everyone."
409
00:14:00,011 --> 00:14:03,011
Let's deposit what's left
of this federal grant
410
00:14:03,095 --> 00:14:04,887
and sue the government
for giving it to us.
411
00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:07,053
-Yas queen!
-I married one of the geckos.
412
00:14:07,136 --> 00:14:08,845
Can I keep it?
413
00:14:08,929 --> 00:14:10,470
Kids, normally,
I'd be all for
414
00:14:10,553 --> 00:14:11,762
pocketing
that science money
415
00:14:11,845 --> 00:14:13,637
and leaving
the geckos to shrivel,
416
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,512
but this time
feels different.
417
00:14:15,595 --> 00:14:18,220
I think I need to finally
do the right thing --
418
00:14:18,303 --> 00:14:19,845
build this wall
419
00:14:19,929 --> 00:14:21,804
and keep out all those
Antonio Banderas-types.
420
00:14:21,887 --> 00:14:24,178
I've never been prouder
to be your dad.
421
00:14:24,261 --> 00:14:26,929
I mean, uh, be my son.
Shit! Fuck!
422
00:14:27,011 --> 00:14:29,220
Stevie, you did too much,
and I love it.
423
00:14:29,303 --> 00:14:30,970
I want you to see
the rest of the wall through.
424
00:14:31,053 --> 00:14:32,470
[shouts]
425
00:14:32,553 --> 00:14:34,011
I will build a wall so high,
astronauts will see
426
00:14:34,095 --> 00:14:35,804
pregnant immigrants
being detained
427
00:14:35,887 --> 00:14:37,178
from space.
428
00:14:37,261 --> 00:14:38,470
I'd like to help, sir.
429
00:14:38,553 --> 00:14:40,011
What can I say?
430
00:14:40,095 --> 00:14:41,470
You crammed my head
full of possibility.
431
00:14:41,553 --> 00:14:44,804
♪♪♪
432
00:14:44,887 --> 00:14:46,679
You ever thought about
wearing a hat?
433
00:14:46,762 --> 00:14:47,845
Because you got
a big ol' head
434
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:49,720
and the sun is just
going nuts on it.
435
00:14:49,804 --> 00:14:52,136
[President Trump]
All right, investment club,
436
00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:53,887
we're building
the rest of the wall.
437
00:14:53,970 --> 00:14:55,887
Time to pony up
more casheesh.
438
00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:57,136
Fat chance.
439
00:14:57,220 --> 00:14:58,679
Your money pit somehow
made Mike Pence
440
00:14:58,762 --> 00:15:00,470
poorer
than he already was.
441
00:15:00,553 --> 00:15:03,011
I had to sell
little patches of my clothes
442
00:15:03,095 --> 00:15:04,512
to Karen's quilting group.
443
00:15:04,595 --> 00:15:06,679
By the way,
I need that money for stamps
444
00:15:06,762 --> 00:15:08,053
to send thank-you notes
445
00:15:08,136 --> 00:15:09,804
to everyone
who bought patches.
446
00:15:09,887 --> 00:15:11,470
[Pence]
Darn, darn, darn!
447
00:15:11,553 --> 00:15:12,804
[Acosta]
Sarah, realistically,
448
00:15:12,887 --> 00:15:14,845
how much wall
can you actually build?
449
00:15:14,929 --> 00:15:17,053
-All of it.
-And who's gonna pay for it?
450
00:15:17,136 --> 00:15:19,095
You ain't, Jim,
so why you worrying about it?
451
00:15:19,178 --> 00:15:20,428
-What about --
-Naw, shut up.
452
00:15:20,512 --> 00:15:22,303
I'm talking
to Jim Acosta today.
453
00:15:22,387 --> 00:15:23,845
Jim, you got
another question?
454
00:15:23,929 --> 00:15:25,261
Will this wall have
any impact at all
455
00:15:25,345 --> 00:15:26,804
on illegal --
456
00:15:26,887 --> 00:15:28,053
I'm gonna just lay it
out for you.
457
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,804
I didn't think this wall
was gonna happen.
458
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,261
I thought it was dumber
459
00:15:31,345 --> 00:15:33,011
than a pig listening
to the Jerky Boys,
460
00:15:33,095 --> 00:15:35,595
but then a little dude
named Stephen Miller
461
00:15:35,679 --> 00:15:38,387
opened a part of my brain
I didn't know I had.
462
00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:40,887
Now I believe that anything
is possible.
463
00:15:40,970 --> 00:15:42,679
That didn't answer my question
about illegal immigration.
464
00:15:42,762 --> 00:15:45,720
I'll elaborate after
I shove my boot in your butt.
465
00:15:45,804 --> 00:15:47,387
Hoo, I am fired up today.
466
00:15:47,470 --> 00:15:49,387
[President Trump]
You're telling me
467
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,804
not one single entrepreneur,
congressperson,
468
00:15:51,887 --> 00:15:54,595
or shady arms dealer with
a fanny pack full of passports
469
00:15:54,679 --> 00:15:55,887
is willing to help me
finish this wall?
470
00:15:55,970 --> 00:15:56,970
-Yup.
-Yup.
471
00:15:57,053 --> 00:15:59,261
Wow.
If you ever want to find out
472
00:15:59,345 --> 00:16:01,095
who your real friends are,
473
00:16:01,178 --> 00:16:03,970
ask them to bankroll
a 2,000-mile monstrosity.
474
00:16:04,053 --> 00:16:06,178
Dad, do you think
maybe you let Hannity
475
00:16:06,261 --> 00:16:08,470
and all those wild-eyed,
screaming fanatics
476
00:16:08,553 --> 00:16:09,970
get to your head?
477
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:12,178
You could've just taken
that grant money
478
00:16:12,261 --> 00:16:14,470
and opened the first
all-shade golf course
479
00:16:14,553 --> 00:16:16,011
packed with trees.
480
00:16:16,095 --> 00:16:18,595
I don't know --
I'm not the golf child.
481
00:16:18,679 --> 00:16:20,136
I am the golf child.
482
00:16:20,220 --> 00:16:21,553
I am the golf child!
483
00:16:21,637 --> 00:16:23,553
Dad, tell him
I'm the golf child!
484
00:16:23,637 --> 00:16:26,220
Just get out of my office.
I got some bad stuff to do.
485
00:16:26,303 --> 00:16:27,553
Why did you say
you're the golf child?
486
00:16:27,637 --> 00:16:28,303
You know
I'm the golf child.
487
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:29,970
♪♪♪
488
00:16:30,053 --> 00:16:31,637
Sarah, you were amazing
up there!
489
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,095
I've never seen Jim Acosta
sweat from his eyeballs.
490
00:16:34,178 --> 00:16:35,887
Thanks.
Speaking of Acosta,
491
00:16:35,970 --> 00:16:37,387
that stuff he brought up,
492
00:16:37,470 --> 00:16:39,303
I don't have to worry,
right?
493
00:16:39,387 --> 00:16:42,011
Like, the rest of this wall
is gonna get built, right?
494
00:16:42,095 --> 00:16:43,845
Sarah,
look me in the forehead.
495
00:16:43,929 --> 00:16:46,345
I've never been more certain
of anything in my life.
496
00:16:46,428 --> 00:16:49,553
Now,
to ending the scourge of...
497
00:16:49,637 --> 00:16:51,345
I'll tell you later.
498
00:16:51,428 --> 00:16:55,345
[all] Tell us! Tell us!
Tell us! Tell us!
499
00:16:55,428 --> 00:16:56,804
I got the wall money.
500
00:16:56,887 --> 00:16:58,345
-Yay!
-Wow!
501
00:16:58,428 --> 00:17:00,845
-How'd you get it?
-Oh, shut the hell up.
502
00:17:00,929 --> 00:17:03,512
Putin.
I guarantee you. Putin.
503
00:17:03,595 --> 00:17:05,470
What? No!
504
00:17:05,553 --> 00:17:07,261
It hadn't even
occurred to me.
505
00:17:07,345 --> 00:17:09,595
but if I did, don't worry.
I used a nice, secure--
506
00:17:09,679 --> 00:17:11,428
...Cell phone to call
Vladimir Putin,
507
00:17:11,512 --> 00:17:13,178
who agreed to give the president
508
00:17:13,261 --> 00:17:15,261
the necessary funding
for the border wall,
509
00:17:15,345 --> 00:17:17,387
leaving the president
indebted to the interests
510
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:18,762
of a hostile nation.
511
00:17:18,845 --> 00:17:20,220
According to our source,
512
00:17:20,303 --> 00:17:22,053
the president
already promised Putin
513
00:17:22,136 --> 00:17:24,011
oil drilling rights in Alaska
514
00:17:24,095 --> 00:17:26,428
and an 'anything goes' night
alone with the Liberty Bell.
515
00:17:26,512 --> 00:17:28,387
Here's the president
addressing the nation.
516
00:17:28,470 --> 00:17:31,929
My fellow Americans,
I gave the money back, okay?
517
00:17:32,011 --> 00:17:34,762
And yes, before you ask,
with interest.
518
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,261
So, I think we can drop this.
519
00:17:36,345 --> 00:17:37,720
And, by the way,
520
00:17:37,804 --> 00:17:39,387
the wall is just going
on short hiatus.
521
00:17:39,470 --> 00:17:41,887
When it comes back,
it'll be ten feet higher,
522
00:17:41,970 --> 00:17:45,261
MS-13, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Phew.
523
00:17:45,345 --> 00:17:47,887
Miller, you opened my eyes
to a world with a wall in it,
524
00:17:47,970 --> 00:17:49,095
and now that wall is dead.
525
00:17:49,178 --> 00:17:51,512
Uh, were we watching
the same report?
526
00:17:51,595 --> 00:17:53,720
Because I heard the words
"ten feet higher."
527
00:17:53,804 --> 00:17:55,595
From now on, I'm only
gonna believe in things
528
00:17:55,679 --> 00:17:57,303
I already see
right in front of my face,
529
00:17:57,387 --> 00:17:58,970
like the beetle that just
crawled in your one ear
530
00:17:59,053 --> 00:18:00,345
and came out the other.
531
00:18:00,428 --> 00:18:02,720
Sarah, the wall
is going to happen,
532
00:18:02,804 --> 00:18:05,804
and we'll make it together,
spikes and all.
533
00:18:05,887 --> 00:18:07,470
I wish I could
believe that,
534
00:18:07,553 --> 00:18:09,387
but your forehead
lied to me.
535
00:18:09,470 --> 00:18:11,845
You know the worst part
about all of this?
536
00:18:11,929 --> 00:18:13,887
I was beginning
to like you.
537
00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:16,261
[screeches, cries]
538
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:18,929
Oh, Jesus Christ,
is that how you cry!?
539
00:18:19,011 --> 00:18:21,470
Stop it.
It's making my teeth hurt.
540
00:18:21,553 --> 00:18:24,804
[Ivanka] The best part about
this all-shade golf course
541
00:18:24,887 --> 00:18:27,470
is that I, Donald Trump,
am not involved.
542
00:18:27,553 --> 00:18:29,512
What the hell is this?
543
00:18:29,595 --> 00:18:32,970
Excuse me, we have this room
booked for another hour.
544
00:18:33,053 --> 00:18:35,095
So now you guys
are building stuff without me?
545
00:18:35,178 --> 00:18:37,762
I'm sorry, Daddy,
but this whole wall debacle
546
00:18:37,845 --> 00:18:40,345
shows that
you've lost your touch.
547
00:18:40,428 --> 00:18:43,345
Now, Karen, hand over
that coin from France.
548
00:18:43,428 --> 00:18:45,845
[Karen] One less thing to pack
in my Rapture duffel.
549
00:18:45,929 --> 00:18:48,095
♪♪♪
550
00:18:48,178 --> 00:18:50,804
[Hannity]
I'm here now with the man
551
00:18:50,887 --> 00:18:52,887
who should be president,
552
00:18:52,970 --> 00:18:54,720
Sebastian Gorka.
553
00:18:54,804 --> 00:18:56,178
As we all know,
554
00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:59,053
89 percent of
all illegal immigrants
555
00:18:59,136 --> 00:19:01,136
arrive via parachute,
556
00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:03,053
which is why
I propose a deterrent
557
00:19:03,136 --> 00:19:05,345
far superior to a wall --
558
00:19:05,428 --> 00:19:07,178
a bubble-dome.
559
00:19:07,261 --> 00:19:09,553
We shall hire
the cheapest labor
560
00:19:09,637 --> 00:19:12,553
from the hill-caves
of Macedonia.
561
00:19:12,637 --> 00:19:14,261
[Hannity]
When we come back,
562
00:19:14,345 --> 00:19:16,470
did the wrong side
win the Cold War?
563
00:19:16,553 --> 00:19:17,512
[crow caws]
564
00:19:17,595 --> 00:19:19,345
So, if this wall
is 100 feet,
565
00:19:19,428 --> 00:19:23,428
then we just need to build
100,000 more of these.
566
00:19:23,512 --> 00:19:27,553
I feel as Sisyphus
when he pushed a huge wall
567
00:19:27,637 --> 00:19:28,929
up a huge wall.
568
00:19:29,011 --> 00:19:30,929
But this is my destiny,
569
00:19:31,011 --> 00:19:33,887
and I must forge on...
alone.
570
00:19:33,970 --> 00:19:36,845
Oh, no,
I'm getting a tan!
571
00:19:36,929 --> 00:19:38,303
[Acosta]
Now that the wall is dead,
572
00:19:38,387 --> 00:19:41,261
will the president revive
his infrastructure bill?
573
00:19:41,345 --> 00:19:43,011
It's really messed up
when someone puts a bunch
574
00:19:43,095 --> 00:19:44,595
of big ol' dreams
in your head
575
00:19:44,679 --> 00:19:46,595
and then you find out the dreams
are all bullshit,
576
00:19:46,679 --> 00:19:48,595
so you get your husband
to shake your head
577
00:19:48,679 --> 00:19:50,553
to get the dreams out,
but it only makes you dizzy,
578
00:19:50,637 --> 00:19:53,220
then you gotta talk
to dumbass Jim Acosta.
579
00:19:53,303 --> 00:19:55,970
A follow-up question --
is everything okay?
580
00:19:56,053 --> 00:19:58,261
No, Jim,
I am falling apart at the seams.
581
00:19:58,345 --> 00:19:59,929
Everybody out!
582
00:20:00,011 --> 00:20:01,804
Go on! Get out!
583
00:20:01,887 --> 00:20:03,387
[President Trump] [sighs]
584
00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:04,887
Hey, did you and Ivanka
get in a fight?
585
00:20:04,970 --> 00:20:06,595
Because she just told me
586
00:20:06,679 --> 00:20:08,220
she wanted to change her
last name from "Trump" to "LLC".
587
00:20:08,303 --> 00:20:10,220
She's disappointed in me.
They all are.
588
00:20:10,303 --> 00:20:12,553
I tried to build a wall
and only managed
589
00:20:12,637 --> 00:20:15,011
to swindle one person
out of their 401(k).
590
00:20:15,095 --> 00:20:16,762
Yeah, I just saw Karen
heading to the docks
591
00:20:16,845 --> 00:20:18,220
to sell Mike's shirt
as a fishing net.
592
00:20:18,303 --> 00:20:19,804
[Karen] No tax,
593
00:20:19,887 --> 00:20:22,261
but you do have to point me
to the bus stop!
594
00:20:22,345 --> 00:20:24,178
Are you here
to crap on me, too?
595
00:20:24,261 --> 00:20:26,345
Hey, before this week,
I knew you just as the guy
596
00:20:26,428 --> 00:20:28,387
who would license his name
for a quick buck.
597
00:20:28,470 --> 00:20:30,762
But, then, you actually tried
to build something,
598
00:20:30,845 --> 00:20:32,011
and not for yourself,
599
00:20:32,095 --> 00:20:33,762
but because a bunch of
racists wanted it.
600
00:20:33,845 --> 00:20:35,637
And that's
worth something.
601
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:37,011
Thanks, Jared.
602
00:20:37,095 --> 00:20:38,970
I've been meaning
to tell you...
603
00:20:39,053 --> 00:20:40,637
Ooh, I'm Jared.
I say nice things.
604
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,261
My father-in-law
doesn't know
605
00:20:42,345 --> 00:20:43,553
what his daughter
sees in me...
606
00:20:43,637 --> 00:20:45,553
♪♪♪
607
00:20:45,637 --> 00:20:47,762
[Bolton]
Wall wall wall wall wall.
608
00:20:47,845 --> 00:20:50,261
Wall wall wall wall wall.
609
00:20:50,345 --> 00:20:53,095
Sarah! Get your head
out of the clouds!
610
00:20:53,178 --> 00:20:55,178
Um, sorry.
You were talking about...?
611
00:20:55,261 --> 00:20:57,762
I was saying,
"Iran Iran Iran.
612
00:20:57,845 --> 00:20:59,804
Iran Iran Iran Iran."
613
00:21:00,136 --> 00:21:01,679
I'll just come back later.
614
00:21:01,762 --> 00:21:05,929
♪♪♪
615
00:21:06,011 --> 00:21:10,136
♪ With all this talk
of pragmatism ♪
616
00:21:13,011 --> 00:21:18,470
♪ I failed to see the scope
of his nationalist dreams ♪
617
00:21:19,929 --> 00:21:24,261
♪ With all this talk of
keeping out the immigrants ♪
618
00:21:24,345 --> 00:21:26,261
♪ Ooh ♪
619
00:21:26,345 --> 00:21:29,470
♪ A friend has passed me by,
it seems ♪
620
00:21:30,762 --> 00:21:34,220
♪ All the things
I'd do for you ♪
621
00:21:34,303 --> 00:21:39,637
♪ I'd build a wall
for Muslims, too ♪
622
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,053
♪ We should've built it up
together ♪
623
00:21:42,136 --> 00:21:43,804
♪ Built it up together ♪
624
00:21:43,887 --> 00:21:46,303
♪ In 100 degree weather ♪
625
00:21:46,387 --> 00:21:53,095
♪ And become the greatest
oppressors of all time ♪
626
00:21:53,178 --> 00:22:00,136
♪ We could've been
the greatest of all time ♪
627
00:22:00,220 --> 00:22:02,428
[coughs] God, I'm dying.
628
00:22:02,512 --> 00:22:05,553
When that border agent
offered me salt or water,
629
00:22:05,637 --> 00:22:07,303
I should've taken water.
630
00:22:07,387 --> 00:22:08,679
What the...?
631
00:22:12,762 --> 00:22:14,512
[gasps]
632
00:22:14,595 --> 00:22:16,178
[Ivanka] And who, you ask,
633
00:22:16,261 --> 00:22:18,303
will run this
all-shade golf course?
634
00:22:18,387 --> 00:22:20,720
Why, my golf-child,
Ivanka.
635
00:22:20,804 --> 00:22:23,136
Oh, Ivanka,
that's such bullshit!
636
00:22:23,220 --> 00:22:25,303
Family, I apologize.
637
00:22:25,387 --> 00:22:28,136
Since I took office,
I've done a lot of talking
638
00:22:28,220 --> 00:22:30,136
and finally wanted
to do something real.
639
00:22:30,220 --> 00:22:31,470
Like you, Don Jr.,
640
00:22:31,553 --> 00:22:33,387
when you set the unofficial
record
641
00:22:33,470 --> 00:22:35,512
for tallest pile
of burning mattresses.
642
00:22:35,595 --> 00:22:37,136
-Two!
-And, Eric,
643
00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:39,345
remember when you made
a house for turtles,
644
00:22:39,428 --> 00:22:41,595
but then saw a turtle
for the first time,
645
00:22:41,679 --> 00:22:43,762
and realized you just
made a house for people?
646
00:22:43,845 --> 00:22:45,804
No!
Stop bringing it up!
647
00:22:45,887 --> 00:22:48,345
And, Ivanka,
remember, uh...
648
00:22:48,428 --> 00:22:50,720
Yes, Daddy, I do!
649
00:22:50,804 --> 00:22:53,095
You all made something
that will outlive yourselves,
650
00:22:53,178 --> 00:22:54,720
something I used to do.
651
00:22:54,804 --> 00:22:56,178
And with this wall,
652
00:22:56,261 --> 00:22:58,095
I just wanted to have
that feeling again.
653
00:22:58,178 --> 00:22:59,720
We forgive you, Daddy,
654
00:22:59,804 --> 00:23:01,261
but I'm not sure
655
00:23:01,345 --> 00:23:03,679
if 38 percent of
the American public will.
656
00:23:04,220 --> 00:23:05,804
He showed up at my door
last night
657
00:23:05,887 --> 00:23:07,178
all covered
in cactus forks.
658
00:23:07,261 --> 00:23:09,178
Stephen,
tell him what you told me.
659
00:23:09,261 --> 00:23:13,804
[weakly]
I've seen the wall.
660
00:23:13,887 --> 00:23:15,804
And it's magnificent.
661
00:23:15,887 --> 00:23:17,929
[groans]
-Yeah!
662
00:23:18,011 --> 00:23:20,804
I'm Wolf Blitzer.
I'm still Wolf Blitzer.
663
00:23:20,887 --> 00:23:22,720
President Trump
is about to reveal
664
00:23:22,804 --> 00:23:25,011
the future
of the Southern border wall
665
00:23:25,095 --> 00:23:26,345
to his supporters,
666
00:23:26,428 --> 00:23:28,720
who are deeply concerned
it won't happen.
667
00:23:28,804 --> 00:23:31,303
You should've seen me play
volleyball in middle school.
668
00:23:31,387 --> 00:23:32,845
I could've been
one of the greats.
669
00:23:32,929 --> 00:23:34,136
[crowd] Build the wall!
670
00:23:34,220 --> 00:23:35,845
I'm proud to announce
671
00:23:35,929 --> 00:23:38,428
that we have finally
built the wall!
672
00:23:38,512 --> 00:23:40,595
-[man] What?
-[woman] Where is it?
673
00:23:40,679 --> 00:23:43,428
You'll never see it
unless you wander this desert
674
00:23:43,512 --> 00:23:45,387
on the brink of death.
675
00:23:45,470 --> 00:23:48,136
You see, America is the land
of empty, symbolic gestures,
676
00:23:48,220 --> 00:23:50,804
like the inscription
on the Statue of Liberty,
677
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:53,053
Black History Month,
and recycling.
678
00:23:53,136 --> 00:23:54,595
And The Wall is
679
00:23:54,679 --> 00:23:56,679
the biggest, emptiest,
symbolic gesture of all.
680
00:23:56,762 --> 00:23:59,428
It's a mirage,
glistening in the desert.
681
00:23:59,512 --> 00:24:01,887
But the real wall --
the wall that keeps people
682
00:24:01,970 --> 00:24:03,929
from ever assimilating
in our society --
683
00:24:04,011 --> 00:24:05,428
is in here...
684
00:24:05,512 --> 00:24:07,220
...our hearts.
685
00:24:07,303 --> 00:24:09,637
Every time we sneer
at a Mexican woman
686
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,011
ahead of us in line
at the grocery store,
687
00:24:12,095 --> 00:24:13,512
that's the wall.
688
00:24:13,595 --> 00:24:15,470
Every time we blame
affirmative action
689
00:24:15,553 --> 00:24:17,970
for our dumb kids
not getting into Rutgers,
690
00:24:18,053 --> 00:24:19,011
that's the wall.
691
00:24:19,095 --> 00:24:20,804
Do you see it now?
692
00:24:20,887 --> 00:24:23,053
-[man] I see it!
-[woman] I see it, too!
693
00:24:23,136 --> 00:24:25,303
-[man] Yeah!
-It looks good, people.
694
00:24:25,387 --> 00:24:28,637
[crowd] We built the wall!
We built the wall!
695
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:32,053
[all] Dad built the wall!
Dad built the wall!
696
00:24:32,136 --> 00:24:33,595
We did it, Sarah,
697
00:24:33,679 --> 00:24:35,387
and we didn't even need
flaming arrows.
698
00:24:35,470 --> 00:24:37,845
Let the mass deportations
begin!
699
00:24:37,929 --> 00:24:40,470
[laughs] All in good time,
little, weird guy.
700
00:24:40,553 --> 00:24:41,845
All in good time.
701
00:24:41,929 --> 00:24:44,762
Donald Trump
got down on one knee
702
00:24:44,845 --> 00:24:48,220
and presented me with
the shiniest diamond of all --
703
00:24:48,303 --> 00:24:51,136
a border wall that stretches
ten billion miles
704
00:24:51,220 --> 00:24:53,470
and is as wide
as a fool's heart.
705
00:24:53,553 --> 00:24:55,303
Let's bring him out,
706
00:24:55,387 --> 00:24:57,887
my baby,
President Donald J. Trump.
707
00:24:57,970 --> 00:25:00,637
Hi, Sean.
Helluva wall I built, huh?
708
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,136
I don't know why I left you,
Donald.
709
00:25:03,220 --> 00:25:05,095
You're the only one
who knows
710
00:25:05,178 --> 00:25:07,220
where to find
my racism G-spot.
711
00:25:07,303 --> 00:25:09,095
I'm truly proud
of you two.
712
00:25:09,178 --> 00:25:12,303
This must be what
Sir Henry the Mighty felt
713
00:25:12,387 --> 00:25:15,470
when he gazed upon
the killing fields of yore.
714
00:25:15,553 --> 00:25:17,679
But you have not seen
the last
715
00:25:17,762 --> 00:25:20,470
of the Dragon of Budapest!
716
00:25:20,553 --> 00:25:23,720
Gooorkkkaaa!
717
00:25:23,804 --> 00:25:25,679
['80s-style pop music plays]
718
00:25:25,762 --> 00:25:28,345
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
719
00:25:28,428 --> 00:25:31,804
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
720
00:25:31,887 --> 00:25:34,136
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
721
00:25:34,220 --> 00:25:35,845
♪ Yes, he is ♪
722
00:25:35,929 --> 00:25:39,303
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
723
00:25:39,387 --> 00:25:41,512
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
724
00:25:41,595 --> 00:25:43,553
♪ Yes, he is ♪
725
00:25:43,637 --> 00:25:46,095
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
726
00:25:46,178 --> 00:25:50,679
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
727
00:25:53,220 --> 00:25:54,637
♪ Donald Trump ♪
728
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:58,428
♪ He is our president ♪
729
00:25:58,512 --> 00:26:01,512
♪ We made him president ♪
730
00:26:01,595 --> 00:26:04,011
♪ We did it ♪
731
00:26:04,095 --> 00:26:07,178
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
732
00:26:07,261 --> 00:26:11,553
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
733
00:26:11,637 --> 00:26:14,345
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
734
00:26:14,428 --> 00:26:18,136
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
735
00:26:18,220 --> 00:26:20,845
♪ Yeah ♪
736
00:26:20,929 --> 00:26:22,512
Trump!
737
00:26:22,562 --> 00:26:27,112
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