All language subtitles for Our Cartoon President s01e15 The Wall.eng

♪♪♪

[announcer] "Infowars."

Alex Jones here.

As you probably heard,

I was banned from Facebook,
Apple, and Spotify.

You know, you advocate
killing one person

and millions of fans with
dissociative identity disorder,

and suddenly everyone loses
their sense of humor.

Yes, I am under attack,
just like the Jews

in the Holocaust
that may not have happened.

[announcer] Freedom of speech.

Freedom of speech

is enshrined
in the Constitution.

That means anything you do
with your facehole

is protected by
the First Amendment,

such as firing blow darts,

driving a bulldozer
with your teeth

into a hospital,

and shoving a grenade
in dolphin's blowhole

while screaming
"Sayonara, Flipper!"

[announcer] So long, Flipper.

I am here for one reason only.

Speaking truth to power.

That is my singular motivation.

[Alex Jones]
Buy my Cortex Quake pills

and you will not die!

Now available in Mixed Berry.

[announcer] Cortex Quake.

Do not believe anyone
who says these pills

are just spray-painted
Mike and Ikes.

[announcer] No shirt.

Let's bring on
the last remaining bastion

of logic and civility,

-[Alex Jones] Donald Trump Jr.
-I caught a big fish.

You met with the Russians
to get dirt on Hillary Clinton.

So tell the folks
why the mainstream media

is blowing this whole thing
out of proportion.

Uh, last time I checked,
there's no law that says

you can't conspire
with a foreign country.

Right, well, except there
are laws against it.

I can get behind
a complicated theory here.

But you got to ground it
in something.

Look at it this way.

Hillary colluded
with Russians,

which is bad.

But I colluded
with the Russians,

which is good.

Please, do not make me be
the voice of reason here.

Let me start over.

I caught a big fish.

You are disconnected
from reality.

[announcer]
Interview over.

[gulping]

1776!

Tomorrow I will
address these rumors

that my brain
is constantly spinning

like a rotisserie chicken.

♪♪♪

[announcer] Infowars.

♪♪♪

[President Trump]
Build the wall!

Aah!

♪♪♪

Real Americans
are hurting, folks.

This morning,

I met a 50-year-old
North Dakota woman named Donna.

Donna has no money, no job,
30 kids,

they all live in a garbage truck
with no brakes

rolling down a hill,

and she carries her brain
around in a basket.

But what keeps Donna going

is knowing that, one day,

a wall will protect
our southern border

from Mexicans fleeing
for dear life.

[crowd] Build the wall!
Build the wall!

All right,
same time next week.

You bring the unfettered rage.
I'll bring the hats.

[crowd member]
When are you gonna build it?

I love you, too!

[Don Jr.]
That rally was so sick,

but these mobs
want this wall built now.

One guy told me
to build the wall by Sunday

or he'd choke me out
with his ponytail.

Look, I'd love to,
but I don't have time

with everything
I've got going on.

[dog barking]

Dad, you used
to actually build stuff.

The Atlantic City boardwalk
is full of buildings

with three of
the five letters of your name

still attached.

Remember?

♪♪♪

What happened
to that guy?

People are starting to
take my declaration

that we will build a wall
literally,

so I need
a progress update.

The, uh, budget office says

the only way to completely
fund the wall

would be to sell Wisconsin
to Qatar.

[Mnuchin]
That thing'll get built

the day my terrible wife
wins an Oscar.

The day Tyler Perry

casts me as
the love interest in

"Madea's
Got A Boyfriend".

Sarah?

I am not
physically able

to express an opinion

that is not also
your opinion,

So here's a noise
instead --

Mmmlarm.

Then I should tell my supporters
it ain't happening.

I'm sure
they'll be chill about it.

After all, I'm chill,
and chill recognizes chill.

[crowd] Build the wall!
Build the wall!

[President Trump]
We can't do a wall right now.

We spent a lot of money
on baby cages,

and a wall would just keep us

from getting enough babies
to fill 'em up.

[Crowd member]
We still want the wall.

♪♪♪

[announcer] Hannity.

President Trump's
bewildering speech tonight

was clearly
a deep state-funded hologram.

Here to reassure us
that everything is fine

between him and the wall
is Donald the Trump.

There's my guy.

Listen, sweetie...

It's over
between me and the wall.

No. No-no-no-no-no.

I'm a real estate mogul.

I don't know
how to build walls.

You weren't even trying!
You disgust me!

Get off my show!
I hate you!

Wait, I don't mean that.
I love you!

No! Leave me alone!

-Sean, I --
-Somebody get me Gorka!

[laughs]

It is I, Sebastian Gorka!

Sean, my boy, let him go.

Together, you and I
shall birth a new society

born on the iron spine
of the Hungarian river hound.

Sebby,
I can't be alone right now.

Can I come over?
-Why, yes.

I'll put a soup
on the fire stove

and cue up a flick

by the Ruler of Rom-Coms,
Nancy Meyers.

♪♪♪

How could you not
endorse a wall

that preserves
racial purity?

This could be
the administration's Hoover Dam,

only the water
is unaccompanied minors

hiding
in rolled up area rugs.

Look, I got two beefy,
older brothers

who taught me
to never indulge

in any stupid
flights of fancy,

like building a beach cabana
for my best friend Bucky.

You knew someone
named "Bucky"?

He was
my Cabbage Patch Doll.

My brothers
drop-kicked him

and his half-finished
beach cabana

down a wishin' well,

and my sense of wonder
went with it.

♪♪♪

Well, I'm alone again.

But one is never alone
who makes noise.

[weird noise]

[phone buzzes]

Ugh, don't pick it up.

It's just Hannity singing
some terrible song he wrote.

[Hannity] ♪ When two men
lose their way ♪

♪ Often times it -- ♪
[cellphone beeps]

Dad, can you just
build the wall?

It's impossible.

We'll just tell everyone

MS-13 broke up
over creative differences.

That is such
bullshit!

Everyone said
it was impossible to refurbish

the Central Park
Ice Skating rink,

but you did it.

And you mean to tell me
that building a flat wall

is harder than building
an oval ice skating rink?

How did you think
of that shape?!

[Kushner] The skating rink
was already there.

"I'm Jared. My dimples are
somehow not endearing."

-"I know everything."
-"And I'm really handsome."

What is it about
making fun of Jared

that makes me feel like
I can tackle the world?

Family, I will build
that ice skating rink

on the Southern border!

So is anyone
going to correct him?

Maybe tell him to build a wall
rather than an ice rink?

-"I'm Jared."
-"I'm going to jail."

-"I know everything.
-"I'm really cute."

♪♪♪

[President Trump]
Breaking ground on this wall

requires
the most brilliant minds

in government and business.

Which is why
I've selected all of you.

I keep a glue gun
in my back pocket

if that helps!

We're not building
the whole wall.

We just need enough
to fill a camera lens.

Length -- 100 feet.

Height -- taller than a man
in search of freedom.

Width -- One sixth
of a 6-foot party sub.

Uh, I'll call Senator Cruz,
try to get some momentum

for an appropriations bill.
-No Congress.

If I didn't need their help
building Trump Winery,

then I don't need
their help

building something
without grapes.

You said
there'd be grapes!

[President Trump]
I want you two to set up

the ground-breaking ceremony
at the border.

I'd do it myself,
but I don't want to.

Sir, we're gonna break
so much ground,

we'll shift
the tectonic plates

and deluge California
with lava!

Stevie, lava's
not always the answer.

Just don't get
carried away.

I'll keep him in line.

If he gets out of hand,
I'll steal the pills he takes

to keep his throat
from closing up

every time
he sees someone happy.

[President Trump] This is the
"Donald Trump Five-Point Plan

to Build Anything You Want
Wherever You Want."

I used it
to make Atlantic City

America's number-one
family-shattering destination.

And we're gonna use it
to break ground on the wall.

Sweet!
Who are we swindling?

We're not
swindling anyone.

We're simply
inviting our friends

to take part in the opportunity
of a lifetime.

Sounds like
we're swindling people.

"I was never subpoenaed
by my mom."

[President Trump]
"Step one -- nail the pitch."

[President Trump]
The Southern Border

is an amazing,
amazing property.

You got the desert,
the sand,

those big fat plants
covered in forks --

gorgeous.

It's the perfect place
to build a wall.

When my father mentioned
the sand, the desert,

the forks, the gorgeous,
I thought,

"This is an amazing place
to build a wall."

[President Trump]
"Trump International

Desert Sunrise Wall"
will be fabulous.

I'd be a fool not to jump
on this opportunity.

Who is with me?

That sucked.
Wanna see a good video?

[keyboard clacking]

Hold on. Hold on.

Okay!

Oh there's an ad here.

It's --
I should be able to skip --

Nope,
it's not a skippable one.

I swear it's so worth it.

Okay, and it's...done!

[man] Splish splash!
It's speedboat fails!

[man] The funniest
and fastest fatal disasters!

-That's gonna leave a mark!
-That's gonna leave a mark!

[man] Ha-ha!

[President Trump] "Step two --

secure the investors."

When raising cash,

you always start
with the easiest marks.

I bet these rubes have
a sick nest egg tucked away.

Now, Karen,
don't agree to anything,

unless he really
wants you to.

Mike, Karen,
I wanna get you two

in on the ground floor
of this amazing wall project.

Ooh!

It'll just require
some capital on your end.

How much
can I put you down for?

Let's see.
I got my coin from France,

a punch card
to the yarn store,

and a wrapped mint
so I --

You're useless.
And Mike?

I'm afraid the contents
of Karen's tote

is all we have
to our name.

Oh, and the 401(k).

Ooh.
How much is in there?

After our rabbit

got pregnant
before marriage...

-Nice!
-...we had to spend

all but $37 sending her

to an Irish workhouse
for fallen women.

Fine, I'll take that $37.

And give me that mint.

♪♪♪

And at the top of the wall,

we'll have a squadron
of roving archers

whose bows rain
flaming arrows

down upon their foes!

Hell, no,
we're not doing that.

I've had
40 great flaming-arrow ideas

in the last 20 minutes

and you've rejected
each one.

Me thinks the archer
is thee.

If we build something
big and showy,

we're just setting up everyone
for disappointment

when our boss
doesn't finish the job.

But he will finish the job

if we remind him
of his illustrious past

building the boardwalk's
flashiest cultural abominations.

Relax, the only way
he's finishing that wall

is if it's covered
in horsey sauce.

[President Trump] "Step three --
break ground."

How are we supposed
to afford this groundbreaking

when we only have
Pence's 37 bucks

and a half-sucked mint?

Maybe I've lost my touch.

Why are things I want to happen
not happening?!

There must be something
we can do...

Um, "Blackmail Ed Koch."
No.

"Cash your tenants'
disability checks"?

No. Wait a second.

If we say the wall
is for science or whatever,

we could get...

[all]...a federal grant
with little to no oversight!

-Oh, Daddy.
-Oversight!

Yeah, great idea
we just had.

There. Job done.

[crow caws]

Unacceptable!

This groundbreaking ceremony

must inspire Donald
to build a wall

that will stand
for 10,000 eons!

What happened to your sense
of imagination?

When the press corps'
cameras turn off,

so does my imagination.

Close your eyes, Sarah,

and picture
Bucky's beach cabana.

What do you see?

No, that was
a stupid child's dream,

and I'm not doing it.

A thatched roof?

A chair, perhaps?

Two chairs.

One for Bucky

and one for
his work friend, Deb!

Now whatever you did

to imagine
Bucky's beach cabana,

do the same thing

for President Trump's
big, sexy wall!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

I'm Wolf Blitzer.

Welcome to
"The Situation Face."

President Trump will host

a border-wall
groundbreaking ceremony

funded by a grant from
the National Science Foundation.

I'd go,
but when I leave the studio,

I get spooked
and hide in the nearest barn.

[President Trump] "Step four --
ribbon-cutting ceremony."

Thank you to
the National Science Foundation

for providing the funds
necessary

for the International
Desert Sunrise Wall

and Crested Gecko
Research Center.

We will now keep MS-13
out of our country

and discover how geckos'
vascular systems

respond to UV light.

[crowd cheering]

[man] I love geckos!

An awe-inspiring display
that pleases the president

and that no sane person
would ever approach!

Great work, Sarah.

It's like 30 years
of repressed whimsy

just spilled out of me.

I didn't know
what I was missing

until you showed me,

you little fetus-lookin'
weird alien guy!

A lot of people said

that I'd never break ground
on this wall,

including myself.

At my lowest point,

I even considered
abandoning nationalism

in favor of
a borderless world government

where all humans
are treated equally,

but then I looked at my children

and remembered
that all people are not equal.

[crowd] Trump!
Trump! Trump! Trump!

My next guest
is President Trump,

who has just swept me
off my feet all over again.

Sean, I'm back,

and I am not
going anywhere.

I'm scared of how much

I want to believe you
right now.

So, is the wall for real?

The wall is off
to a tremendous start...

Start? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you mean "start"?

Well, it's a big project,
Sean.

Donald, please do not
do this to me again.

I thought you were the man
who could build anything.

Or was that just another lie?
-Do not fear, Sean!

Gorka is here

with "Father of the Bride"
on Blu-ray disc.

[laughs]

[Don Jr.] Dad, you used
to actually build stuff.

Wait! Wait.
What I was going to say

is that,
by the end of this year,

the wall is going to be

three walls deep
and four walls high.

Oh, thank God.

I'm just so glad
to have you back, baby.

What do you want to do?
Go -- Go for a walk?

I-I kinda just want to sit here
and be with you in this moment.

And now, it's time
for the fifth and final step --

"screw over everyone."

Let's deposit what's left
of this federal grant

and sue the government
for giving it to us.

-Yas queen!
-I married one of the geckos.

Can I keep it?

Kids, normally,
I'd be all for

pocketing
that science money

and leaving
the geckos to shrivel,

but this time
feels different.

I think I need to finally
do the right thing --

build this wall

and keep out all those
Antonio Banderas-types.

I've never been prouder
to be your dad.

I mean, uh, be my son.
Shit! Fuck!

Stevie, you did too much,
and I love it.

I want you to see
the rest of the wall through.

[shouts]

I will build a wall so high,
astronauts will see

pregnant immigrants
being detained

from space.

I'd like to help, sir.

What can I say?

You crammed my head
full of possibility.

♪♪♪

You ever thought about
wearing a hat?

Because you got
a big ol' head

and the sun is just
going nuts on it.

[President Trump]
All right, investment club,

we're building
the rest of the wall.

Time to pony up
more casheesh.

Fat chance.

Your money pit somehow
made Mike Pence

poorer
than he already was.

I had to sell
little patches of my clothes

to Karen's quilting group.

By the way,
I need that money for stamps

to send thank-you notes

to everyone
who bought patches.

[Pence]
Darn, darn, darn!

[Acosta]
Sarah, realistically,

how much wall
can you actually build?

-All of it.
-And who's gonna pay for it?

You ain't, Jim,
so why you worrying about it?

-What about --
-Naw, shut up.

I'm talking
to Jim Acosta today.

Jim, you got
another question?

Will this wall have
any impact at all

on illegal --

I'm gonna just lay it
out for you.

I didn't think this wall
was gonna happen.

I thought it was dumber

than a pig listening
to the Jerky Boys,

but then a little dude
named Stephen Miller

opened a part of my brain
I didn't know I had.

Now I believe that anything
is possible.

That didn't answer my question
about illegal immigration.

I'll elaborate after
I shove my boot in your butt.

Hoo, I am fired up today.

[President Trump]
You're telling me

not one single entrepreneur,
congressperson,

or shady arms dealer with
a fanny pack full of passports

is willing to help me
finish this wall?

-Yup.
-Yup.

Wow.
If you ever want to find out

who your real friends are,

ask them to bankroll
a 2,000-mile monstrosity.

Dad, do you think
maybe you let Hannity

and all those wild-eyed,
screaming fanatics

get to your head?

You could've just taken
that grant money

and opened the first
all-shade golf course

packed with trees.

I don't know --
I'm not the golf child.

I am the golf child.

I am the golf child!

Dad, tell him
I'm the golf child!

Just get out of my office.
I got some bad stuff to do.

Why did you say
you're the golf child?

You know
I'm the golf child.

♪♪♪

Sarah, you were amazing
up there!

I've never seen Jim Acosta
sweat from his eyeballs.

Thanks.
Speaking of Acosta,

that stuff he brought up,

I don't have to worry,
right?

Like, the rest of this wall
is gonna get built, right?

Sarah,
look me in the forehead.

I've never been more certain
of anything in my life.

Now,
to ending the scourge of...

I'll tell you later.

[all] Tell us! Tell us!
Tell us! Tell us!

I got the wall money.

-Yay!
-Wow!

-How'd you get it?
-Oh, shut the hell up.

Putin.
I guarantee you. Putin.

What? No!

It hadn't even
occurred to me.

but if I did, don't worry.
I used a nice, secure--

...Cell phone to call
Vladimir Putin,

who agreed to give the president

the necessary funding
for the border wall,

leaving the president
indebted to the interests

of a hostile nation.

According to our source,

the president
already promised Putin

oil drilling rights in Alaska

and an 'anything goes' night
alone with the Liberty Bell.

Here's the president
addressing the nation.

My fellow Americans,
I gave the money back, okay?

And yes, before you ask,
with interest.

So, I think we can drop this.

And, by the way,

the wall is just going
on short hiatus.

When it comes back,
it'll be ten feet higher,

MS-13, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Phew.

Miller, you opened my eyes
to a world with a wall in it,

and now that wall is dead.

Uh, were we watching
the same report?

Because I heard the words
"ten feet higher."

From now on, I'm only
gonna believe in things

I already see
right in front of my face,

like the beetle that just
crawled in your one ear

and came out the other.

Sarah, the wall
is going to happen,

and we'll make it together,
spikes and all.

I wish I could
believe that,

but your forehead
lied to me.

You know the worst part
about all of this?

I was beginning
to like you.

[screeches, cries]

Oh, Jesus Christ,
is that how you cry!?

Stop it.
It's making my teeth hurt.

[Ivanka] The best part about
this all-shade golf course

is that I, Donald Trump,
am not involved.

What the hell is this?

Excuse me, we have this room
booked for another hour.

So now you guys
are building stuff without me?

I'm sorry, Daddy,
but this whole wall debacle

shows that
you've lost your touch.

Now, Karen, hand over
that coin from France.

[Karen] One less thing to pack
in my Rapture duffel.

♪♪♪

[Hannity]
I'm here now with the man

who should be president,

Sebastian Gorka.

As we all know,

89 percent of
all illegal immigrants

arrive via parachute,

which is why
I propose a deterrent

far superior to a wall --

a bubble-dome.

We shall hire
the cheapest labor

from the hill-caves
of Macedonia.

[Hannity]
When we come back,

did the wrong side
win the Cold War?

[crow caws]

So, if this wall
is 100 feet,

then we just need to build
100,000 more of these.

I feel as Sisyphus
when he pushed a huge wall

up a huge wall.

But this is my destiny,

and I must forge on...
alone.

Oh, no,
I'm getting a tan!

[Acosta]
Now that the wall is dead,

will the president revive
his infrastructure bill?

It's really messed up
when someone puts a bunch

of big ol' dreams
in your head

and then you find out the dreams
are all bullshit,

so you get your husband
to shake your head

to get the dreams out,
but it only makes you dizzy,

then you gotta talk
to dumbass Jim Acosta.

A follow-up question --
is everything okay?

No, Jim,
I am falling apart at the seams.

Everybody out!

Go on! Get out!

[President Trump] [sighs]

Hey, did you and Ivanka
get in a fight?

Because she just told me

she wanted to change her
last name from "Trump" to "LLC".

She's disappointed in me.
They all are.

I tried to build a wall
and only managed

to swindle one person
out of their 401(k).

Yeah, I just saw Karen
heading to the docks

to sell Mike's shirt
as a fishing net.

[Karen] No tax,

but you do have to point me
to the bus stop!

Are you here
to crap on me, too?

Hey, before this week,
I knew you just as the guy

who would license his name
for a quick buck.

But, then, you actually tried
to build something,

and not for yourself,

but because a bunch of
racists wanted it.

And that's
worth something.

Thanks, Jared.

I've been meaning
to tell you...

Ooh, I'm Jared.
I say nice things.

My father-in-law
doesn't know

what his daughter
sees in me...

♪♪♪

[Bolton]
Wall wall wall wall wall.

Wall wall wall wall wall.

Sarah! Get your head
out of the clouds!

Um, sorry.
You were talking about...?

I was saying,
"Iran Iran Iran.

Iran Iran Iran Iran."

I'll just come back later.

♪♪♪

♪ With all this talk
of pragmatism ♪

♪ I failed to see the scope
of his nationalist dreams ♪

♪ With all this talk of
keeping out the immigrants ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ A friend has passed me by,
it seems ♪

♪ All the things
I'd do for you ♪

♪ I'd build a wall
for Muslims, too ♪

♪ We should've built it up
together ♪

♪ Built it up together ♪

♪ In 100 degree weather ♪

♪ And become the greatest
oppressors of all time ♪

♪ We could've been
the greatest of all time ♪

[coughs] God, I'm dying.

When that border agent
offered me salt or water,

I should've taken water.

What the...?

[gasps]

[Ivanka] And who, you ask,

will run this
all-shade golf course?

Why, my golf-child,
Ivanka.

Oh, Ivanka,
that's such bullshit!

Family, I apologize.

Since I took office,
I've done a lot of talking

and finally wanted
to do something real.

Like you, Don Jr.,

when you set the unofficial
record

for tallest pile
of burning mattresses.

-Two!
-And, Eric,

remember when you made
a house for turtles,

but then saw a turtle
for the first time,

and realized you just
made a house for people?

No!
Stop bringing it up!

And, Ivanka,
remember, uh...

Yes, Daddy, I do!

You all made something
that will outlive yourselves,

something I used to do.

And with this wall,

I just wanted to have
that feeling again.

We forgive you, Daddy,

but I'm not sure

if 38 percent of
the American public will.

He showed up at my door
last night

all covered
in cactus forks.

Stephen,
tell him what you told me.

[weakly]
I've seen the wall.

And it's magnificent.

[groans]
-Yeah!

I'm Wolf Blitzer.
I'm still Wolf Blitzer.

President Trump
is about to reveal

the future
of the Southern border wall

to his supporters,

who are deeply concerned
it won't happen.

You should've seen me play
volleyball in middle school.

I could've been
one of the greats.

[crowd] Build the wall!

I'm proud to announce

that we have finally
built the wall!

-[man] What?
-[woman] Where is it?

You'll never see it
unless you wander this desert

on the brink of death.

You see, America is the land
of empty, symbolic gestures,

like the inscription
on the Statue of Liberty,

Black History Month,
and recycling.

And The Wall is

the biggest, emptiest,
symbolic gesture of all.

It's a mirage,
glistening in the desert.

But the real wall --
the wall that keeps people

from ever assimilating
in our society --

is in here...

...our hearts.

Every time we sneer
at a Mexican woman

ahead of us in line
at the grocery store,

that's the wall.

Every time we blame
affirmative action

for our dumb kids
not getting into Rutgers,

that's the wall.

Do you see it now?

-[man] I see it!
-[woman] I see it, too!

-[man] Yeah!
-It looks good, people.

[crowd] We built the wall!
We built the wall!

[all] Dad built the wall!
Dad built the wall!

We did it, Sarah,

and we didn't even need
flaming arrows.

Let the mass deportations
begin!

[laughs] All in good time,
little, weird guy.

All in good time.

Donald Trump
got down on one knee

and presented me with
the shiniest diamond of all --

a border wall that stretches
ten billion miles

and is as wide
as a fool's heart.

Let's bring him out,

my baby,
President Donald J. Trump.

Hi, Sean.
Helluva wall I built, huh?

I don't know why I left you,
Donald.

You're the only one
who knows

where to find
my racism G-spot.

I'm truly proud
of you two.

This must be what
Sir Henry the Mighty felt

when he gazed upon
the killing fields of yore.

But you have not seen
the last

of the Dragon of Budapest!

Gooorkkkaaa!

['80s-style pop music plays]

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!

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