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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,481 --> 00:00:08,520 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 2 00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,025 [President Trump] Wow! 3 00:00:11,026 --> 00:00:14,443 Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin one-on-one. 4 00:00:14,527 --> 00:00:16,527 I'm thinking you, me, joint statement 5 00:00:16,610 --> 00:00:18,610 saying we're best friends, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. 6 00:00:18,804 --> 00:00:22,303 Wait. We haven't even caught up. I want to hear about you. 7 00:00:22,386 --> 00:00:24,303 Best-friends stuff. State secrets. 8 00:00:24,386 --> 00:00:25,385 Things have been good. 9 00:00:25,386 --> 00:00:27,929 Lot of TV, lot of locking up babies. 10 00:00:28,012 --> 00:00:29,929 Here's my new Supreme Court Justice. His name is Brett. 11 00:00:30,012 --> 00:00:31,929 Isn't that weird? "Brett." 12 00:00:32,012 --> 00:00:33,712 Brett, Brett, Brett, Brett! Brett! Brett! Buh-rett! 13 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,095 Oh, okay, this is going to be the longest hour of my life. 14 00:00:36,178 --> 00:00:38,637 What have you been up to, Mr. Quiet? 15 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,302 Oh, you know, just trying to get world leaders 16 00:00:40,303 --> 00:00:43,845 to incriminate themselves. It's... harder than I thought. 17 00:00:43,929 --> 00:00:46,136 I got a game! How's about, on "three," 18 00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:47,970 we both say our biggest secret? 19 00:00:48,054 --> 00:00:50,136 - One, two, three! - I wanted to be a dancer! 20 00:00:50,220 --> 00:00:51,385 You're the only person who knows that. 21 00:00:51,386 --> 00:00:53,095 - One, two, three! - I like pudding. 22 00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:54,469 I like chocolate pudding. 23 00:00:54,470 --> 00:00:56,135 I got us matching shirts. 24 00:00:56,136 --> 00:00:59,220 I know it's lame, but it's also kind of funny. 25 00:00:59,303 --> 00:01:00,928 What would you do if someone like Robert Mueller 26 00:01:00,929 --> 00:01:02,177 was investigating you? 27 00:01:02,178 --> 00:01:04,844 - Obviously have him killed. - Wow! Well, we're not there yet, 28 00:01:04,845 --> 00:01:06,260 but it seems like we're getting there. 29 00:01:06,261 --> 00:01:07,961 Do you really have the pee tape? 30 00:01:07,970 --> 00:01:10,178 - Eh, well, you know... - You do have it! 31 00:01:10,261 --> 00:01:13,220 Oh, my God! This is so embarrassing! 32 00:01:13,303 --> 00:01:16,553 Help yourself to all of Ukraine, because I ain't doing nothin'! 33 00:01:16,637 --> 00:01:19,136 So, this joint statement says we're friends. 34 00:01:19,220 --> 00:01:20,677 And, yes, there's a little provision 35 00:01:20,678 --> 00:01:22,302 about me building a Moscow hotel, 36 00:01:22,303 --> 00:01:24,512 but you get to take over Eastern Europe by force. 37 00:01:24,595 --> 00:01:25,719 That is a good offer. 38 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,420 Oh, and every Christmas we spend together. 39 00:01:27,428 --> 00:01:30,135 - Oh, fuck me. - I wanted the Supreme Court Justice 40 00:01:30,136 --> 00:01:31,511 to be the hosts of "The Five." 41 00:01:31,512 --> 00:01:33,845 You know, sneak 'em in under one big robe. 42 00:01:33,929 --> 00:01:35,344 That is a dumb idea. 43 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:37,678 Just say it. "I'll sign the statement. 44 00:01:37,762 --> 00:01:40,428 Give me the statement. Your father loves you." 45 00:01:40,512 --> 00:01:42,929 Sign it, sign it, sign it! [groaning] 46 00:01:43,012 --> 00:01:44,219 Come to the bathroom with me. 47 00:01:44,220 --> 00:01:46,095 I don't want to waste a second of this meeting! 48 00:01:46,178 --> 00:01:48,428 I would rather die than go in the bathroom with you. 49 00:01:48,512 --> 00:01:51,095 Did you know that Germany used to be two countries? 50 00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:53,595 - That blew my freakin' mind! - Stop talking!! 51 00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:55,260 Well, I don't have my watch, 52 00:01:55,261 --> 00:01:58,054 but I think the hour is winding down. 53 00:01:58,136 --> 00:02:00,386 - It's been five minutes. - Ohh! Holy shit!! 54 00:02:00,470 --> 00:02:02,178 [music] 55 00:02:02,261 --> 00:02:04,428 [President Trump giggling] 56 00:02:04,512 --> 00:02:05,761 [smooch] 57 00:02:05,762 --> 00:02:08,770 1x11 - Russia Investigation 58 00:02:08,904 --> 00:02:11,986 [tv news theme] 59 00:02:12,910 --> 00:02:14,284 I'm Wolf Blitzer, 60 00:02:14,285 --> 00:02:18,243 and I take the fun out of a guy being named "Wolf." 61 00:02:18,327 --> 00:02:22,076 Donald Trump is addressing the annual NATO Summit in Belgium 62 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,744 where his motorcade has already ransacked the Waffle District. 63 00:02:25,826 --> 00:02:27,785 [President Trump] Wow! So great to be here! 64 00:02:27,868 --> 00:02:29,826 I don't love NATO. 65 00:02:29,910 --> 00:02:33,451 I feel like we should go to war more. Wouldn't that be great? 66 00:02:33,452 --> 00:02:36,076 Find a place to do it, put a bunch of people in there, 67 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:40,160 serve some hot wings, throw movie memorabilia on the walls. 68 00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,118 You know what? I'm thinking of a restaurant. 69 00:02:42,202 --> 00:02:43,284 [music] 70 00:02:43,285 --> 00:02:44,993 The BBC doesn't have commercials?! 71 00:02:45,076 --> 00:02:46,659 The whole reason I came to Europe 72 00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:49,410 is because I heard their Fanta ads show full titty! 73 00:02:49,494 --> 00:02:52,368 [BBC anchor] Little progress was made at the NATO summit 74 00:02:52,452 --> 00:02:54,826 where all eyes were on the American president's 75 00:02:54,910 --> 00:02:57,368 boorish and uncouth behavior. 76 00:02:57,452 --> 00:02:59,494 Did that guy just call you an asshole? 77 00:02:59,577 --> 00:03:02,118 Here's what heads of state said about Trump 78 00:03:02,202 --> 00:03:03,902 when they thought no one was listening. 79 00:03:03,910 --> 00:03:05,619 [Angela Merkel] Remember when Trump said he couldn't 80 00:03:05,702 --> 00:03:08,744 pronounce foreign names and just gave us new ones? 81 00:03:08,826 --> 00:03:10,910 He called me "Jennifer Germany." 82 00:03:10,993 --> 00:03:12,534 [Theresa May] Oy! Trump's a gobby nob. 83 00:03:12,535 --> 00:03:15,076 I was wag-off knackered just eyeing 'em, innit? 84 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,243 [Emmanuel Macron] I caught him hosing off his dentures 85 00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:18,534 in the bidet! 86 00:03:18,535 --> 00:03:20,368 Ugh! Europe's a bunch of snobs. 87 00:03:20,452 --> 00:03:22,410 Don't they know you have a Hollywood Star 88 00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,243 between Shrek and Antonio Banderas? 89 00:03:25,327 --> 00:03:28,367 Eh, it's all right, boys. I've always been treated 90 00:03:28,368 --> 00:03:31,494 like I'm just another classless Queens lowlife. 91 00:03:31,577 --> 00:03:36,035 This rental building caters to the most elite, high-end clientele. 92 00:03:36,118 --> 00:03:38,619 And, yes, that is code for something. 93 00:03:38,702 --> 00:03:39,701 - What? - What's he talking about? 94 00:03:39,702 --> 00:03:41,619 Something race-related. 95 00:03:41,702 --> 00:03:44,940 - What? - No blacks. [applause] 96 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,993 [developer #1] And what are you thinking for the interior? 97 00:03:47,076 --> 00:03:49,368 That's the second-best part. 98 00:03:49,452 --> 00:03:51,034 Gold toilets. 99 00:03:51,035 --> 00:03:52,326 [developers laughing] 100 00:03:52,327 --> 00:03:54,027 I've never heard of anything 101 00:03:54,035 --> 00:03:58,159 so cheap, low-class, and gauche! [developers laughing] 102 00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,860 I told you my son was trash, didn't I? 103 00:03:59,868 --> 00:04:03,493 I just thought he'd go more than a minute before saying the word "toilet." 104 00:04:03,494 --> 00:04:05,452 [developers laughing] 105 00:04:05,535 --> 00:04:06,950 [music] 106 00:04:06,951 --> 00:04:10,076 Europeans were just as snooty as those Wharton jerks. 107 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,950 Both looked down on me for claiming I had a talking sports car. 108 00:04:12,951 --> 00:04:15,494 Speaking of well-earned judgments, 109 00:04:15,577 --> 00:04:18,118 the Senate Judiciary Committee could call you to testify 110 00:04:18,202 --> 00:04:21,076 about Russia any day now, and we need a plan. 111 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,202 Don't worry. I can take them down 112 00:04:23,285 --> 00:04:25,452 like a South Jersey building inspector. 113 00:04:25,535 --> 00:04:28,410 Sure, my towers are just reinforced asbestos 114 00:04:28,494 --> 00:04:31,701 held up by rat traps, but... W-What was I saying? 115 00:04:31,702 --> 00:04:34,368 Let me tell you how America works, you slug. 116 00:04:34,452 --> 00:04:37,577 Low-class criminals like mob bosses are held accountable. 117 00:04:37,660 --> 00:04:40,285 But high-class criminals, people who make zillions 118 00:04:40,368 --> 00:04:42,785 turning nurses' retirement funds into infinity pools, 119 00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:43,992 don't get arrested; 120 00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:45,534 they get White House appointments. 121 00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:48,035 That committee knows you're low-class. 122 00:04:48,118 --> 00:04:51,493 I'm sorry. Would a low-class person have an Arby's black card? 123 00:04:51,494 --> 00:04:53,075 Maybe there's a compromise here. 124 00:04:53,076 --> 00:04:55,076 What ... What if we all bombed Iran? 125 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:57,494 Sir, if you want the Senate Judiciary Committee 126 00:04:57,577 --> 00:05:00,577 to view you as a peer, someone worthy of forgiveness, 127 00:05:00,660 --> 00:05:03,913 I suggest you clean up your act. 128 00:05:04,410 --> 00:05:06,327 So that's a yes on Iran? 129 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:09,118 I know it's hard, but try not to itch your balls 130 00:05:09,202 --> 00:05:10,902 with a salad fork tonight. 131 00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:12,576 Oh, look. It's Chuck and Nancy. 132 00:05:12,577 --> 00:05:15,950 We're not gonna say a word to those pieces of sh... Heyyy! 133 00:05:15,951 --> 00:05:19,368 I love these bipartisan charity fundraisers. 134 00:05:19,452 --> 00:05:22,118 I hear this one has something to do with kids. 135 00:05:22,202 --> 00:05:23,902 I was at a charity scam like this 136 00:05:23,951 --> 00:05:26,993 where Sofia Coppola pitched me this fascinating period piece. 137 00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:29,702 So I told Sofia, "Put Louise in a stadium scene, 138 00:05:29,785 --> 00:05:31,485 here's a check, and we're good." 139 00:05:31,494 --> 00:05:34,868 I met Sofia at a MOMA event hosted by Michael Bloomberg, 140 00:05:34,951 --> 00:05:37,160 who, by the way, is a wonderful man. 141 00:05:37,243 --> 00:05:38,951 You know what's a classy event? 142 00:05:39,035 --> 00:05:42,660 The Playboy Mansion's July Humpa Wumpa hosted by Kid Rock. 143 00:05:42,744 --> 00:05:45,826 The place is crawling with tens ... all runaways. 144 00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:49,660 And the buffet has dong-shaped cinnamon rolls. 145 00:05:49,744 --> 00:05:52,243 Excuse us. 146 00:05:52,327 --> 00:05:54,619 Did you grow up on an East River trash barge?! 147 00:05:54,702 --> 00:05:56,993 How do you expect these people to take it easy on you 148 00:05:57,076 --> 00:05:58,993 when all they can picture is you chasing tail 149 00:05:59,076 --> 00:06:01,118 around some smut king's grotto? 150 00:06:01,202 --> 00:06:02,618 [music] 151 00:06:02,619 --> 00:06:04,577 How did we lose to that animal? 152 00:06:04,660 --> 00:06:07,619 He's sucking creamed corn through a toilet-paper tube. 153 00:06:07,702 --> 00:06:10,076 And who is he talking to? 154 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,410 That Barry Diller may be a small guy, 155 00:06:12,494 --> 00:06:15,243 but you should see him when his towel falls off. Oof! 156 00:06:15,327 --> 00:06:16,867 There's no one around him. 157 00:06:16,868 --> 00:06:21,410 Chuck, in 2016, we had the right ideas and the wrong message. 158 00:06:21,494 --> 00:06:23,194 We need a new strategy. 159 00:06:23,202 --> 00:06:27,243 One that doesn't require Debra Messing to bring it all home for us. 160 00:06:27,327 --> 00:06:30,202 One that doesn't address income inequality 161 00:06:30,285 --> 00:06:34,368 by promising reduced prices for Hamilton tickets. 162 00:06:34,552 --> 00:06:36,826 [President Trump] Boys, I'm starting to wonder 163 00:06:36,910 --> 00:06:39,452 if testifying to the Senate is such a good idea. 164 00:06:39,535 --> 00:06:41,577 Don't be scared of the Senate, Dad. 165 00:06:41,660 --> 00:06:44,327 They're just some conceited Ivy League-educated lawyers 166 00:06:44,410 --> 00:06:47,452 who hate you and hold your fate in their hands. 167 00:06:47,535 --> 00:06:49,868 Those Senators, they're polished, they're refined. 168 00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:52,118 They didn't get into public life on a jinx dare 169 00:06:52,202 --> 00:06:55,993 - from Rudy Giuliani's urologist. - This is just like yesterday. 170 00:06:56,076 --> 00:06:59,035 There was a gas station on the other side of the freeway. 171 00:06:59,118 --> 00:07:01,118 We could have either stayed on our side 172 00:07:01,202 --> 00:07:04,284 - and run out of gas... - ...or jumped the median. 173 00:07:04,285 --> 00:07:07,160 You just need to do what we did and total your Miata 174 00:07:07,161 --> 00:07:10,243 in the carpool lane of the Senate Judiciary Committee! 175 00:07:10,327 --> 00:07:12,452 And then hitchhike with a pony-tailed guy 176 00:07:12,535 --> 00:07:14,826 who rests his hand on your thigh. 177 00:07:14,910 --> 00:07:17,327 You're right! I'm gonna show this town 178 00:07:17,410 --> 00:07:20,826 that I've got class, that I belong! 179 00:07:20,910 --> 00:07:22,242 - Yeah! - Yeah! All right! 180 00:07:22,243 --> 00:07:24,243 Now let's go bribe a traffic-court judge. 181 00:07:24,327 --> 00:07:29,277 [music] 182 00:07:31,035 --> 00:07:32,993 [Kelly] Sir, if you're gonna try to hold your own 183 00:07:33,076 --> 00:07:34,618 with the Senate Judiciary Committee, 184 00:07:34,619 --> 00:07:36,319 you should know who you're dealing with. 185 00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:39,719 - There's Dianne Feinstein. Stanford. - And Jewish. 186 00:07:39,754 --> 00:07:40,978 Richard Blumenthal. 187 00:07:40,979 --> 00:07:43,743 - Harvard, then Yale Law. - Also Jewish. 188 00:07:43,744 --> 00:07:46,285 - Amy Klobuchar. Yale. - Looks Jewish. 189 00:07:46,368 --> 00:07:48,826 Cory Booker. Stanford, Oxford, Yale. 190 00:07:48,910 --> 00:07:50,868 - Also ... - Zip it, Sessions! 191 00:07:50,951 --> 00:07:54,160 That's fine. I already put the thought in everyone's minds. 192 00:07:54,243 --> 00:07:56,160 So how do I wow 'em with my refinement? 193 00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:57,943 Wear an ascot and eyepatch? 194 00:07:57,951 --> 00:08:00,076 We recommend Steve Mnuchin take you under his wing 195 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:01,659 and "Pretty Woman" you up a bit. 196 00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:04,452 Fine, but only if I can be verbally abusive. 197 00:08:04,535 --> 00:08:07,951 Ohh, but you got to be verbally abusive last time! 198 00:08:08,135 --> 00:08:10,452 [McConnell] I wouldn't normally help you, 199 00:08:10,535 --> 00:08:13,494 but the lack of healthy competition in Congress 200 00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:15,993 has absolutely killed my sex drive. 201 00:08:16,076 --> 00:08:19,035 We're having trouble convincing our base to vote for us 202 00:08:19,118 --> 00:08:21,702 despite offering nothing in return. 203 00:08:21,785 --> 00:08:25,327 How do we get that mojo back for the midterms? 204 00:08:25,410 --> 00:08:27,577 We were thinking of making the face of the party 205 00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:31,744 a shirtless Adam Rippon with sideburns shaped like hashtags. 206 00:08:31,826 --> 00:08:33,993 Just follow the ABCs ... 207 00:08:34,076 --> 00:08:37,076 A: Accuse Trump of committing treason... 208 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:40,118 B: Block his every piece of legislation... 209 00:08:40,202 --> 00:08:43,410 C: Blame everything on Hillary Clinton. 210 00:08:43,494 --> 00:08:46,659 - But she's on our team. - Oh, pshaww. 211 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:50,284 The other day I blamed the humidity on her. You'll figure it out. 212 00:08:50,885 --> 00:08:53,577 Did you listen to anything I said? 213 00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:55,577 Stop eating whatever the hell you're eating. 214 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,160 Chunky brown with a biggie side of gray hunks? 215 00:08:58,243 --> 00:09:00,577 Waiter! Get this man "The Mnuchin." 216 00:09:00,660 --> 00:09:04,114 What's that? Is it a bigger bowl of chunky brown? 217 00:09:05,118 --> 00:09:06,743 The meat's not black, 218 00:09:06,744 --> 00:09:08,910 and the egg's not brown or smothered in sprinkles. 219 00:09:08,993 --> 00:09:10,693 It's called steak tartare, 220 00:09:10,702 --> 00:09:13,243 you Poland Spring bottle full of cab-driver piss. 221 00:09:13,327 --> 00:09:16,035 So you're saying if I eat this pile of raw, bloody meat, 222 00:09:16,118 --> 00:09:18,452 I'll be sophisticated? 223 00:09:18,535 --> 00:09:20,868 Ohh! I taste too many flavors! 224 00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:23,660 - I only like hot or cold! - Get used to it. 225 00:09:23,744 --> 00:09:25,993 I'm giving all your clothes back to the parachute factory 226 00:09:26,076 --> 00:09:27,868 and making you read a book that wasn't the inspiration 227 00:09:27,951 --> 00:09:29,660 of an incoherent kids show. 228 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,951 [Schumer] Hey, hey, hey. 229 00:09:32,035 --> 00:09:34,494 We got the new attack ads back from McConnell's guy. 230 00:09:34,577 --> 00:09:36,577 I assume they're like our old ones, 231 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:40,410 but now it's a spooky narrator calling for bipartisanship. 232 00:09:40,494 --> 00:09:42,744 [narrator] Little Dumb Donny traitor Trump 233 00:09:42,826 --> 00:09:45,202 does whatever Daddy Putin tells him, 234 00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,368 when he's not having unprotected orgies 235 00:09:47,452 --> 00:09:50,243 with porn stars with the shades wide open. 236 00:09:50,327 --> 00:09:51,618 [woman moaning] I can't turn it off! 237 00:09:51,619 --> 00:09:53,785 The Democrats are locked and loaded, 238 00:09:53,868 --> 00:09:56,619 ready to turn this country into New Reykjavik. 239 00:09:56,702 --> 00:09:59,452 Dads will be moms, and moms will be lawyers. 240 00:09:59,535 --> 00:10:01,410 We're going to level all the churches 241 00:10:01,494 --> 00:10:03,494 and replace them with bike lanes. 242 00:10:03,577 --> 00:10:05,744 Universal healthcare? Definitely. 243 00:10:05,826 --> 00:10:07,535 Military? Defunded! 244 00:10:07,619 --> 00:10:10,118 Don't vote for a hepatitis host organism. 245 00:10:10,202 --> 00:10:11,284 Vote Democrat! 246 00:10:11,285 --> 00:10:15,660 Oh, my God. Nancy, can we actually release this? 247 00:10:15,744 --> 00:10:19,576 - It has exaggerations in it. - Chuck, we have to. 248 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:22,868 The Republicans just tried re-sculpting the MLK statue 249 00:10:22,951 --> 00:10:24,993 to look like Ben Shapiro! 250 00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:29,410 [Mnuchin] Huh! Now you're looking like a guy with a triple-digit IQ. 251 00:10:29,494 --> 00:10:31,034 I don't like it. The sweater's scratchy. 252 00:10:31,035 --> 00:10:32,701 You know what's gonna be really scratchy? 253 00:10:32,702 --> 00:10:34,660 Your cellmate's facial hair on your thighs. 254 00:10:34,744 --> 00:10:37,076 I hate these wingtips. Where are my Reeboks 255 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,035 spray-painted to look like dress shoes? 256 00:10:39,118 --> 00:10:41,494 We gotta get you to stop talking like a used-mattress salesman. 257 00:10:41,577 --> 00:10:43,452 Just watch five seasons of "Frasier." 258 00:10:43,535 --> 00:10:46,118 Then we're gonna get some reps with an actual smart person. 259 00:10:46,202 --> 00:10:49,202 Tonight, I interview President Donald J. Trump. 260 00:10:49,285 --> 00:10:52,118 I've been preparing for this moment for 78 hours straight. 261 00:10:52,202 --> 00:10:54,619 I am dizzy, I am dehydrated, I am amped. 262 00:10:54,702 --> 00:10:56,201 Let's bring him into the conversation. 263 00:10:56,202 --> 00:10:58,243 [primly] A fine evening, isn't it, Rachel? 264 00:10:58,327 --> 00:11:01,494 Have you read the article or book that has everyone aflutter? 265 00:11:01,577 --> 00:11:03,577 Did you know about your son's meeting 266 00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:06,202 with Russian operatives in Trump Tower? 267 00:11:06,285 --> 00:11:08,535 Who's to say what anyone knows, Niles? 268 00:11:08,619 --> 00:11:11,868 Not being gods, we must-a then presuppose 269 00:11:11,951 --> 00:11:15,298 that even our senses are biased. [chortles] 270 00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,955 Before the Trump Tower meeting, did you receive 271 00:11:17,956 --> 00:11:20,577 any e-mails or calls describing what it would be about? 272 00:11:20,660 --> 00:11:22,868 Isn't it hard to separate the brain 273 00:11:22,951 --> 00:11:26,285 from the technological disease that affects us all? 274 00:11:26,368 --> 00:11:27,743 Eddie, get off my chair. 275 00:11:27,744 --> 00:11:29,409 Shit, shit, shit! I'm blowing it! 276 00:11:29,410 --> 00:11:30,825 If you'll excuse me, Rachel, 277 00:11:30,826 --> 00:11:33,243 me and some gadflies and mens-about-town 278 00:11:33,327 --> 00:11:37,577 are heading to the Harvard Club to exchange acerbic repartee. 279 00:11:37,660 --> 00:11:39,835 Good night, Seattle. 280 00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:42,868 Okay, this is apparently official! 281 00:11:42,951 --> 00:11:46,243 After his masterful interview on Rachel Maddow, 282 00:11:46,327 --> 00:11:49,202 Fox News has declared President Donald Trump 283 00:11:49,285 --> 00:11:52,744 the classiest gent in the world, with brains to boot! 284 00:11:52,826 --> 00:11:55,494 Sometimes, I'd love to lay atop a grand piano 285 00:11:55,577 --> 00:11:58,368 while that master tickles the ivories! 286 00:11:58,452 --> 00:12:01,826 [giggles] Ya-ya-za-za-za-zoo...! 287 00:12:01,910 --> 00:12:04,452 You see those people in the back with the cameras? 288 00:12:04,535 --> 00:12:06,117 What do we call them? 289 00:12:06,118 --> 00:12:07,576 [all] Real news! 290 00:12:07,577 --> 00:12:10,452 And what should we do to Crooked Donald? 291 00:12:10,535 --> 00:12:13,826 [all chanting] Lock his fridge! Lock his fridge! 292 00:12:13,910 --> 00:12:17,577 They're frothing, Chuck! They're really frothing! 293 00:12:17,660 --> 00:12:20,702 Wow! I'm glad we cut that 48-minute slideshow 294 00:12:20,785 --> 00:12:24,485 of John Kerry quietly waving. This is our new direction! 295 00:12:24,694 --> 00:12:27,410 [Miller] The Senate Judiciary Committee's about to 296 00:12:27,494 --> 00:12:29,993 tell the President whether they want him to testify. 297 00:12:30,076 --> 00:12:32,118 If it's a no-go, he's gonna be upset, 298 00:12:32,202 --> 00:12:33,701 so everyone get ready 299 00:12:33,702 --> 00:12:35,993 to share a nice memory they've had with him 300 00:12:36,076 --> 00:12:39,535 or, if you don't have one, reframe a verbally abusive one. 301 00:12:39,619 --> 00:12:41,242 [door opens] [all shushing] 302 00:12:41,243 --> 00:12:43,118 Everyone, quiet! 303 00:12:46,202 --> 00:12:48,410 [chair creaks] 304 00:12:48,494 --> 00:12:51,784 - So...? - They want me to testify. 305 00:12:51,785 --> 00:12:54,452 - [all cheering] Wow! - That's wonderful, sir! 306 00:12:54,535 --> 00:12:56,826 This is the best news I've heard all day, 307 00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,035 and I just watched a controlled demolition 308 00:12:59,118 --> 00:13:01,160 of a public-school orchestra building! 309 00:13:01,243 --> 00:13:04,118 - So are you gonna do it? - I mean, I gotta, right? 310 00:13:04,202 --> 00:13:05,576 Definitely! [all agreeing] 311 00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:07,242 Of course, you gotta bomb Iran. 312 00:13:07,243 --> 00:13:10,076 Well, I better go get ready for my big testimony. 313 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:11,659 - Good luck, sir! - You get 'em! 314 00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:12,618 - It's gonna be amazing. - Yeah, great. 315 00:13:12,619 --> 00:13:15,618 - Bye! [door closes] - He's gonna get eaten alive. 316 00:13:16,019 --> 00:13:18,619 We got our base more excited 317 00:13:18,702 --> 00:13:21,910 than Joe Biden loitering outside a Lululemon! 318 00:13:21,993 --> 00:13:24,118 Let's mobilize them with a catchy slogan. 319 00:13:24,202 --> 00:13:26,076 Four words or less. 320 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,619 Shouldn't be longer than "Make America Great Again." 321 00:13:28,702 --> 00:13:31,951 Something like "Jobs and Healthcare for All." 322 00:13:32,035 --> 00:13:35,035 That's five words, but it's fine, I guess. 323 00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:39,327 If you're willing to go to five, I mean, what's one more? 324 00:13:39,410 --> 00:13:41,494 It doesn't mention "opportunity." 325 00:13:41,577 --> 00:13:43,277 Or the earned-income tax credit! 326 00:13:43,327 --> 00:13:46,946 [keys clacking] [music] 327 00:13:48,118 --> 00:13:50,410 Okay, so, the slogan is... 328 00:13:50,494 --> 00:13:54,035 "Let's Achieve Access to Jobs and Healthcare 329 00:13:54,118 --> 00:13:57,910 and Affordable Rail Service for Disenfranchised Minorities 330 00:13:57,993 --> 00:13:59,785 While Protecting Our Environment 331 00:13:59,786 --> 00:14:01,577 and Combating Climate Change 332 00:14:01,660 --> 00:14:04,160 with the Wealthy Paying Their Fair Share, 333 00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:09,485 Plus a Humane Policy Toward Immigrants 2018." 334 00:14:09,951 --> 00:14:12,205 I don't know where you cut. 335 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:12,950 [music] 336 00:14:12,951 --> 00:14:15,702 Welcome, everyone, to the mock Senate hearing. 337 00:14:15,785 --> 00:14:18,035 The first question the Committee might ask ... 338 00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,494 Do you have any investments in Russia? 339 00:14:20,577 --> 00:14:24,868 In the post World War II era, every economy is so intertwined 340 00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:27,494 that the flapping of a butterfly's wings in Tonga 341 00:14:27,577 --> 00:14:29,826 could lead to a market crash in the United States. 342 00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:31,711 - Fantastic! - Wow! 343 00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:33,410 - Brava! - All right, sir, here's a taste 344 00:14:33,494 --> 00:14:36,076 of what this Senate hearing's really gonna be like. 345 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,202 - Cool. Very cool. - Mr. President, did you pull 346 00:14:39,285 --> 00:14:42,160 your bloated head out of your chapped ass long enough 347 00:14:42,243 --> 00:14:45,118 to be briefed on the completely idiotic meeting 348 00:14:45,202 --> 00:14:48,368 between a Russian lawyer and your grease stain of a son?! 349 00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:51,910 You think you can fool the Judiciary Committee 350 00:14:51,993 --> 00:14:54,535 into believing you're not a chiseling bum?! 351 00:14:54,619 --> 00:14:56,242 It doesn't even matter, Poppy! 352 00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:58,702 When they look at me, they'll see one of their own! 353 00:14:58,785 --> 00:15:02,118 [laughing] Oh, Donny. You're from Queens. 354 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:05,008 You smelled like street-cart souvlaki until you were 12, 355 00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:08,160 and you lost your virginity to a construction-site port-o-potty! 356 00:15:08,243 --> 00:15:10,368 [cackles] 357 00:15:11,868 --> 00:15:14,744 Mr. Trump, any communications with Russia? 358 00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:17,910 Why wouldn't I communicate with Russia?! 359 00:15:17,993 --> 00:15:21,452 They believed in me like you never could! 360 00:15:21,535 --> 00:15:23,235 Perfect answer, sir. 361 00:15:23,243 --> 00:15:24,951 [crowd cheering, rock music playing] 362 00:15:25,035 --> 00:15:28,076 [Schumer] All right. Let's keep this train going! 363 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,660 2016 was the year of "Make America Great Again," 364 00:15:31,744 --> 00:15:34,660 but 2018 is the year of... 365 00:15:34,744 --> 00:15:38,327 [together] Let's Achieve Access to Jobs and Healthcare 366 00:15:38,410 --> 00:15:42,285 and Affordable Rail Service for Disenfranchised Minorities 367 00:15:42,368 --> 00:15:44,410 While Protecting Our Environment 368 00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:46,452 and Combating Climate Change 369 00:15:46,535 --> 00:15:48,993 with the Wealthy Paying Their Fair Share, 370 00:15:49,076 --> 00:15:51,951 Plus a Humane Policy Toward Immigrants 371 00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:56,160 2018... Opportunity... 372 00:15:56,243 --> 00:15:59,868 to Receive Healthcare and Affordable Rail Service 373 00:15:59,951 --> 00:16:04,410 No More Food Deserts While Not Demonizing Wall Street! 374 00:16:04,494 --> 00:16:06,535 [sparklers sizzling] 375 00:16:07,826 --> 00:16:10,826 [man] Gonna be a no for me, dawg! 376 00:16:10,910 --> 00:16:12,284 [music] 377 00:16:12,285 --> 00:16:14,535 [Kelly] Sir, if you can't hold it together 378 00:16:14,619 --> 00:16:16,744 before your bumbling, incompetent cabinet, 379 00:16:16,826 --> 00:16:18,660 we do not recommend you testify 380 00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:21,159 - in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. - They're gonna 381 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,367 spank you so hard, you're gonna need an ass massage. 382 00:16:23,368 --> 00:16:25,494 And I know just the guy ... it's this pimply Polack 383 00:16:25,577 --> 00:16:27,117 named D'Ambrio Pakulski. 384 00:16:27,118 --> 00:16:30,035 Guys, it's gonna be fine as long as my dead dad 385 00:16:30,118 --> 00:16:32,035 doesn't show up and tell me that I'm trash 386 00:16:32,118 --> 00:16:34,410 and the only reason I got into Wharton was because of him. 387 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,194 And that hasn't happened in four minutes. 388 00:16:36,243 --> 00:16:37,825 Well, then, do what you gotta do 389 00:16:37,826 --> 00:16:39,577 to make sure that doesn't happen. 390 00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:41,326 This is just like that episode 391 00:16:41,327 --> 00:16:44,118 when Frasier and Niles accidentally go to a gay club! 392 00:16:44,202 --> 00:16:48,736 - Why is it just like this? - Ah, you know, just life. 393 00:16:48,771 --> 00:16:50,035 [Schumer] That was a mess, Nancy. 394 00:16:50,118 --> 00:16:52,702 I told you that slogan should have been longer. 395 00:16:52,826 --> 00:16:54,951 And we hardly even mentioned "access." 396 00:16:55,035 --> 00:16:58,619 - "Access," Nancy! - I was the one who said "opportunity" 397 00:16:58,702 --> 00:17:01,702 should've been in there twice, at least! 398 00:17:01,785 --> 00:17:03,702 This is so "House" of you. 399 00:17:03,785 --> 00:17:08,076 Oh, just because you're in the Senate doesn't make you better than me! 400 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,035 I had to campaign all over New York State. 401 00:17:11,118 --> 00:17:13,910 You dragged some bums from the Starbucks on Castro Street 402 00:17:13,993 --> 00:17:15,826 to the polling place and called it a day. 403 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:19,076 "I'm Chuck. I have to be in Congress for six years 404 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:23,751 because I can't hack it every two. Mike Pence is my boss!" 405 00:17:23,965 --> 00:17:26,076 [music] 406 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,910 [President Trump] I hate it. I meet these people. 407 00:17:27,993 --> 00:17:29,284 They call them "the elite." 408 00:17:29,285 --> 00:17:30,993 I look at them. I say, "That's elite?" 409 00:17:31,076 --> 00:17:33,327 We got more money, we got more brains, 410 00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:36,452 we got better houses, apartments, we got nicer boats, 411 00:17:36,535 --> 00:17:39,951 we're smarter than they are, and they say "the elite"! 412 00:17:40,035 --> 00:17:41,993 We're the elite! You're the elite! 413 00:17:42,076 --> 00:17:44,368 [crowd cheering] 414 00:17:44,452 --> 00:17:47,868 Uh-huh. Yep. Okay. Sure. 415 00:17:47,951 --> 00:17:49,951 Thank you very much, Fritz Vanessa. 416 00:17:50,035 --> 00:17:52,202 Uhh, who is Fritz Vanessa? 417 00:17:52,285 --> 00:17:54,910 He was the admissions officer when I applied to Wharton. 418 00:17:54,993 --> 00:17:56,951 He said my application was awful, 419 00:17:57,035 --> 00:18:00,035 but he was a big "fan" of the building my dad donated. 420 00:18:00,118 --> 00:18:02,035 Don't worry, Dad. Grandpa just got you in 421 00:18:02,118 --> 00:18:05,368 because he loved you and had no faith in your natural abilities. 422 00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:11,402 [music] 423 00:18:13,285 --> 00:18:14,909 [Miller] I took a look at your television, 424 00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:17,076 and I think I found the problem. 425 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,577 - You threw this hammer through it. - Oh. Is that what happened? 426 00:18:20,660 --> 00:18:22,785 Sir, I would never question your motives, 427 00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:25,535 even if you hacksawed my groin, 428 00:18:25,619 --> 00:18:27,319 but may I ask why you did that? 429 00:18:27,368 --> 00:18:30,826 Frasier was talking down to me. That guy thinks he's hot shit. 430 00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:32,534 Sir, it's a television show. 431 00:18:32,535 --> 00:18:35,910 If it's a television show, why is it about a radio show? 432 00:18:35,993 --> 00:18:38,619 Sir, I cannot have this argument again! 433 00:18:38,802 --> 00:18:42,992 Thank you to Leaders Pelosi and Schumer for joining me tonight. 434 00:18:42,993 --> 00:18:46,061 Sorry for that 45-minute sentence on the Peloponnesian Wars. 435 00:18:46,096 --> 00:18:47,619 It was our pleasure, Rachel. 436 00:18:47,702 --> 00:18:50,910 Democrats are united to win in 2018. 437 00:18:50,993 --> 00:18:52,159 [floor manager] And we're clear! 438 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,993 Nice going, Nancy. You never even mentioned 439 00:18:55,076 --> 00:18:57,202 how much we respect moderate Republicans! 440 00:18:57,285 --> 00:19:01,285 Chuck, you're an elderly, out-of-touch, coastal elitist! 441 00:19:01,368 --> 00:19:03,452 Come on. You guys are both on the same team. 442 00:19:03,535 --> 00:19:06,160 Ugh! Maddow! Why don't you go tell people 443 00:19:06,243 --> 00:19:08,744 the history of the tugboat or something? 444 00:19:08,826 --> 00:19:12,619 Alex Jones tells his viewers I'm a skin suit full of hornets, 445 00:19:12,702 --> 00:19:16,160 and you're fighting back by reading Wikipedia pages out loud. 446 00:19:16,243 --> 00:19:20,674 Well, I guess we can agree on something ... Rachel's an idiot. 447 00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:22,076 You know what?! I'm just gonna say it! 448 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,410 Your new slogan? It's missing the words "social justice." 449 00:19:24,494 --> 00:19:26,329 - MSNBC hack! - Screw your - Ass! 450 00:19:26,423 --> 00:19:28,709 [music] 451 00:19:28,744 --> 00:19:31,327 [sighs] 452 00:19:31,410 --> 00:19:33,452 - Hey. - Oh, hi. 453 00:19:33,535 --> 00:19:35,327 So this is where the Senate is. 454 00:19:35,410 --> 00:19:38,785 I've been meaning to check this place out. It's nice. 455 00:19:38,868 --> 00:19:41,118 God, Mr. President, I never thought I'd say this, 456 00:19:41,202 --> 00:19:42,993 but I wish I had your brain. 457 00:19:43,076 --> 00:19:45,202 You don't want my brain. All it thinks about 458 00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,702 is my dad telling me I'm a low-class loser. 459 00:19:47,785 --> 00:19:49,785 And also how to enrich myself 460 00:19:49,868 --> 00:19:52,494 at the expense of the working class, 461 00:19:52,577 --> 00:19:54,910 specifically women and people of color. 462 00:19:54,993 --> 00:19:56,451 It's just, the Democrats, 463 00:19:56,452 --> 00:19:58,494 we know how to capture people's heads, 464 00:19:58,577 --> 00:20:01,702 but lately we've struggled to capture people's vile hearts. 465 00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,535 You just know how to divorce voters from reality 466 00:20:04,619 --> 00:20:07,535 and set them loose in a fun house of fear and recrimination. 467 00:20:07,619 --> 00:20:09,744 Thanks. I wish I had your brain. 468 00:20:09,826 --> 00:20:12,327 All those fancy, complicated ideas, 469 00:20:12,410 --> 00:20:14,910 like not all Italian guys are named "Vinnie." 470 00:20:14,993 --> 00:20:16,868 I should tell you, Donald, the Democrats 471 00:20:16,951 --> 00:20:18,702 are going to grill you at that hearing. 472 00:20:18,785 --> 00:20:21,202 We're gonna go absolutely bananas on you, 473 00:20:21,285 --> 00:20:23,118 expose all your weaknesses, 474 00:20:23,202 --> 00:20:25,202 take a sledgehammer to your balls, 475 00:20:25,285 --> 00:20:27,202 pull off your fingernails with a steam shovel, 476 00:20:27,285 --> 00:20:29,076 jam your knees into a blender, 477 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,535 pinch your eyeballs, swap your arms and legs, 478 00:20:31,619 --> 00:20:33,410 slap you in the head with your ass, 479 00:20:33,494 --> 00:20:36,619 electrocute your tonsils, bite off your eyebrows... 480 00:20:36,702 --> 00:20:38,139 ...karate chop your ding-dong, 481 00:20:38,140 --> 00:20:39,577 cheese-grate your Adam's apple, 482 00:20:39,660 --> 00:20:42,327 swing you around by your penis until you faint, 483 00:20:42,410 --> 00:20:43,909 and crap on your feet. 484 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:47,785 - You sure are a chatterbox, Chuck. - But you're gonna do just fine 485 00:20:47,868 --> 00:20:50,993 because you have something these fancy pants do not ... 486 00:20:51,076 --> 00:20:53,826 you actually connect with average Americans, 487 00:20:53,910 --> 00:20:56,368 and especially the below-average. 488 00:20:56,452 --> 00:20:58,619 Chuck, why are you helping me, anyway? 489 00:20:58,702 --> 00:21:01,619 The more you draw attention, the less pressure there is 490 00:21:01,702 --> 00:21:04,452 on us to figure out what we actually believe in. 491 00:21:04,535 --> 00:21:06,785 It's the strategy Hillary used in 2016, 492 00:21:06,868 --> 00:21:09,744 and look at her now ... her book's a bestseller! 493 00:21:09,826 --> 00:21:11,910 [music] 494 00:21:11,993 --> 00:21:14,118 Senator Booker, what sort of grandstanding 495 00:21:14,202 --> 00:21:16,160 can we expect from you in tomorrow's big hearing? 496 00:21:16,243 --> 00:21:17,951 Good question. I've been working all night 497 00:21:18,035 --> 00:21:19,493 on my GIF-friendly outrage. 498 00:21:19,494 --> 00:21:21,117 I'm gonna eat Donald Trump up 499 00:21:21,118 --> 00:21:23,118 like a plate of Moroccan flat-bread 500 00:21:23,202 --> 00:21:25,993 covered in lentil hummus with a grape-leaf aioli. 501 00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:28,076 Ugh. You're a vegan. We get it. 502 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:29,825 [music] 503 00:21:29,826 --> 00:21:32,619 Nancy, I'm sorry about what went down between us. 504 00:21:32,702 --> 00:21:35,744 - Yeah, me too. - Donald Trump made me realize 505 00:21:35,826 --> 00:21:37,868 what we Democrats really stand for ... 506 00:21:37,951 --> 00:21:39,910 not being Donald Trump. 507 00:21:39,993 --> 00:21:43,409 - I got you this hat. - "I'm sorry." 508 00:21:43,410 --> 00:21:47,327 - I know it's a little short, but ... - Chuck! Don't you get it?! 509 00:21:47,410 --> 00:21:51,426 "I'm sorry." It's the perfect slogan! 510 00:21:51,461 --> 00:21:52,663 You're right! 511 00:21:52,698 --> 00:21:55,118 Although "I am sorry" might be a little more clear. 512 00:21:55,202 --> 00:21:57,619 Maybe "Hello, I am sorry" 513 00:21:57,702 --> 00:21:59,410 so we get their attention before we ... 514 00:21:59,494 --> 00:22:01,951 Shut your goddamn mouth, Chuck. 515 00:22:02,035 --> 00:22:03,951 [music] 516 00:22:04,035 --> 00:22:06,118 Banga-banga-banga-banga-banga, banga-banga-banga! 517 00:22:06,202 --> 00:22:07,951 Ted Cruuuz!! 518 00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:11,452 Calling this Senate Judiciary Committee hearing to order! 519 00:22:11,535 --> 00:22:14,202 Chairman Grassley could not be here 520 00:22:14,285 --> 00:22:18,159 because someone put something in his food. Wuh-oh! 521 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:21,285 Of course, now our witness is Pr-e-e-esident Trump. 522 00:22:21,368 --> 00:22:23,068 [spectators booing] 523 00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:26,619 Boo you! I don't care! Whatever! 524 00:22:26,702 --> 00:22:29,410 Order! Order! [gavel pounding] 525 00:22:29,494 --> 00:22:32,327 Mr. President, we all know why we're here. 526 00:22:32,410 --> 00:22:34,285 To nab some sweet footage 527 00:22:34,368 --> 00:22:36,785 for my re-election campaign commercials. 528 00:22:36,868 --> 00:22:38,951 And... action! 529 00:22:39,035 --> 00:22:41,744 So, this whole Russia thing, it's a bunch of hogwash 530 00:22:41,826 --> 00:22:46,780 and a threat to American freedom liberty values, correct-o? 531 00:22:46,815 --> 00:22:48,577 Russia's a fake story. No collusion. 532 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,868 If anyone colluded, it was Hillary. 533 00:22:50,951 --> 00:22:52,451 Come on! [spectators shouting] 534 00:22:52,452 --> 00:22:54,160 [gavel pounding] Bang, bang, bang! 535 00:22:54,243 --> 00:22:57,410 You're out of order! Have you no decency, sir?! 536 00:22:57,494 --> 00:23:01,166 The Scopes monkey is hereby found guilty! 537 00:23:01,201 --> 00:23:04,494 Ted Cruz! Okay, I think we got the shot. 538 00:23:06,327 --> 00:23:07,992 Thank you, Senator Cruz. 539 00:23:07,993 --> 00:23:12,202 Mr. President, are you aware of 18 US Code Chapter 115? 540 00:23:12,285 --> 00:23:14,744 I know you're not, because it's not written in graffiti 541 00:23:14,826 --> 00:23:17,577 phonetically inside a Greek diner's men's room! 542 00:23:17,660 --> 00:23:19,075 - Whoa! - Well, it says 543 00:23:19,076 --> 00:23:22,118 that you're a treasonous bum that colluded with a dictator 544 00:23:22,202 --> 00:23:25,660 just because he said your $6 cologne smelled nice! 545 00:23:25,744 --> 00:23:27,494 [cackling] I told you you're not like these people! 546 00:23:27,577 --> 00:23:30,368 You're low-class, not some fancy pants! 547 00:23:30,452 --> 00:23:33,785 [echoing] Fancy pants... fancy pants... 548 00:23:33,868 --> 00:23:36,410 [Schumer] You have something these fancy pants do not. 549 00:23:36,494 --> 00:23:39,076 You actually connect with average Americans, 550 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:40,868 and especially the below-average. 551 00:23:40,951 --> 00:23:43,410 [Booker] Mr. President. Are you paying attention? 552 00:23:43,494 --> 00:23:45,285 Because I'm owning you right now. 553 00:23:45,368 --> 00:23:47,494 You know what? My entire life, 554 00:23:47,577 --> 00:23:50,327 you upper-crust people have been trying to tear me down. 555 00:23:50,410 --> 00:23:53,410 And yet, each step of the way, I've outsmarted all of you. 556 00:23:53,494 --> 00:23:55,868 So much so that I'm your boss now. 557 00:23:55,951 --> 00:23:58,785 You're not my boss. Mike Pence is my boss. 558 00:23:58,868 --> 00:24:00,660 Goddamn right he is. 559 00:24:00,744 --> 00:24:04,076 Bottom line ... I'm better than you because... 560 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,202 those people out there get me. 561 00:24:06,285 --> 00:24:10,285 Why? Because like them, I like watching TV, 562 00:24:10,368 --> 00:24:14,910 I like locking kids in cages, and I like eating nachos. 563 00:24:14,993 --> 00:24:18,035 Cory, do you even know what nachos are?! 564 00:24:18,118 --> 00:24:20,243 I believe a nacho is a... 565 00:24:20,327 --> 00:24:23,452 a type of sprouted grain nut-bread with flax butter. 566 00:24:23,535 --> 00:24:25,826 Ugh. Does anyone on this committee know? 567 00:24:25,910 --> 00:24:28,410 [music] 568 00:24:28,494 --> 00:24:32,494 Nachos are tortilla chips with hot cheese on top. 569 00:24:32,577 --> 00:24:36,494 And black beans and ground beef and pepperoni and bacon. 570 00:24:36,577 --> 00:24:38,868 And bite-sized Snicker bars. 571 00:24:38,951 --> 00:24:41,243 Country Time lemonade powder. 572 00:24:41,327 --> 00:24:43,494 Minute Maid lemonade powder. 573 00:24:43,577 --> 00:24:46,577 You know, you can put anything on nachos! Why? 574 00:24:46,660 --> 00:24:49,327 Mr. President, back to the overwhelming evidence 575 00:24:49,410 --> 00:24:51,110 that your campaign colluded with Russia. 576 00:24:51,118 --> 00:24:54,368 Because nachos are America! 577 00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:56,264 And that's why we must never 578 00:24:56,265 --> 00:24:59,860 give the recipe for nachos to the Mexicans! 579 00:24:59,868 --> 00:25:05,395 [music] [claps hands] 580 00:25:06,035 --> 00:25:07,701 [spectators cheering] 581 00:25:07,702 --> 00:25:10,035 Cory, the people have spoken. Case dismissed. 582 00:25:10,118 --> 00:25:14,321 Roll the bloopers where no one can get the orangutan into the truck. 583 00:25:14,356 --> 00:25:16,410 According to a CNN snap poll, 584 00:25:16,494 --> 00:25:18,868 95% of the President's supporters say his testimony 585 00:25:18,951 --> 00:25:20,651 improved their perception of him 586 00:25:20,660 --> 00:25:22,660 while 5% believe someone put peanut butter on his tongue 587 00:25:22,744 --> 00:25:25,035 and did the voice from behind a curtain. 588 00:25:25,118 --> 00:25:27,702 I'm now being told we're going live to a Democratic rally. 589 00:25:27,785 --> 00:25:31,076 In 2016, we could have done a better job 590 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:35,577 stopping Donald Trump literally every step of the way. 591 00:25:35,660 --> 00:25:38,744 Instead, we hoisted an authoritarian strongman 592 00:25:38,826 --> 00:25:43,118 onto our shoulders and gave him a piggyback to the White House. 593 00:25:43,202 --> 00:25:46,619 It was kind of our one job not to let that happen. 594 00:25:46,702 --> 00:25:52,024 So today, we introduce our new simple, short slogan. 595 00:25:52,702 --> 00:25:54,284 [together] "We're sorry." 596 00:25:54,285 --> 00:25:57,785 And in 2018, we're going to apologize 597 00:25:57,868 --> 00:26:00,993 all the way to a modest Congressional majority 598 00:26:01,076 --> 00:26:06,368 and, once we're in power, present a technocratic 59-point plan 599 00:26:06,452 --> 00:26:07,743 of incremental tax credits... 600 00:26:07,744 --> 00:26:10,202 Kids. We're gonna be just fine. 601 00:26:10,285 --> 00:26:11,534 - Whoo-hoo! - Yes, Daddy! 602 00:26:11,535 --> 00:26:14,243 Oh. Except you, Jared. You're going to jail. 603 00:26:14,394 --> 00:26:15,436 ['80s-style pop music] 604 00:26:15,437 --> 00:26:18,479 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 605 00:26:18,562 --> 00:26:22,145 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 606 00:26:22,228 --> 00:26:24,479 ? Is Donald Trump the president? ? 607 00:26:24,562 --> 00:26:26,061 ? Yes, he is ? 608 00:26:26,062 --> 00:26:29,145 ? Yes, he is, we elected him president ? 609 00:26:29,228 --> 00:26:31,728 ? Is Donald Trump the president? ? 610 00:26:31,811 --> 00:26:33,394 ? Yes, he is ? 611 00:26:33,395 --> 00:26:36,228 ? We had a vote and elected him president ? 612 00:26:36,312 --> 00:26:41,270 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 613 00:26:43,354 --> 00:26:45,145 ? Donald Trump ? 614 00:26:45,228 --> 00:26:48,604 ? He is our president ? 615 00:26:48,686 --> 00:26:51,770 ? We made him president ? 616 00:26:51,853 --> 00:26:54,437 ? We did it ? 617 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,062 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 618 00:26:58,145 --> 00:27:01,437 ? We elected Donald Trump ? 619 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:04,936 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 620 00:27:05,020 --> 00:27:08,395 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 621 00:27:08,479 --> 00:27:11,895 ? Yeah ? 622 00:27:12,378 --> 00:27:13,585 Trump! 623 00:27:14,915 --> 00:27:18,818 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 624 00:27:18,868 --> 00:27:23,418 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 50804

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