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1
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Sync by Kiry
2
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- Oh, for Christ's sake!
- Hey!
3
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:24,651
Look on the bright side.
4
00:00:24,771 --> 00:00:26,800
No-one will steal knick-knacks
from you again.
5
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,160
You're the dick
who razed the National Gallery again.
6
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,200
Yes. The Hotness!
See? You HAVE heard of me.
7
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:34,320
What are you gonna do
about my news stand?
8
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:37,663
I know something that'll gonna
make you feel a lot better.
9
00:00:39,233 --> 00:00:40,664
Yep. It's signed.
10
00:00:41,339 --> 00:00:42,991
I know. Amazing!
11
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,315
All right there, darling?
You a superhero, then?
12
00:00:51,435 --> 00:00:53,880
Yeah. The costume thing
kind of gives it away, eh?
13
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,408
What's with that costume?
14
00:00:55,528 --> 00:00:57,971
- Dunno. Fashion statement?
- Oh, really?
15
00:00:58,541 --> 00:01:00,415
And what's it saying, then?
16
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:03,986
Right now... it's shouting,
"Please fuck off!"
17
00:01:08,997 --> 00:01:11,161
But... I thought you said you liked me.
18
00:01:11,281 --> 00:01:14,887
- Well, I know you never said it, but...
- You sound needy.
19
00:01:15,007 --> 00:01:16,887
If I want your opinion, I'll ask.
20
00:01:17,007 --> 00:01:19,069
Not you.
I've got Doomball in a throatlock.
21
00:01:19,189 --> 00:01:21,600
But what about the other night.
I thought we had a great time.
22
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,240
- Don't go there.
- Oh, really!
23
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:28,069
Well, pizza and a handjob sound like
a pretty good time to me, Mister!
24
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:30,399
You shouldn't have put out.
25
00:01:36,061 --> 00:01:39,628
This is done.
I've quit the business, I'm drunk,
26
00:01:39,748 --> 00:01:42,960
and even if I know you,
I probably don't like you.
27
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,040
Leave a message.'
28
00:01:45,915 --> 00:01:48,960
I know who it is, Alex.
Hey. It's me, Alex.
29
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,835
Come down The Fortress,
you big Spanish homo.
30
00:01:51,955 --> 00:01:53,453
I hate my life.
31
00:02:02,850 --> 00:02:04,941
Hey, fat boy. Make way for a hero.
32
00:02:05,061 --> 00:02:07,560
Yeah, we're all heroes here. Twat!
33
00:02:11,105 --> 00:02:12,494
What's wrong with Glory Vixen?
34
00:02:12,614 --> 00:02:14,734
Someone put her sex tape
on the internet.
35
00:02:14,854 --> 00:02:16,680
- It's so awful.
- Yeah, really grainy.
36
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,360
Who cares about another sex tape?
37
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:19,960
You saw Cyclone's ball sac.
38
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,920
I feel for her, but if you're daft
enough to have sex in costume...
39
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:27,040
- That could happen to anyone.
- Certainly could, cowgirl. Yee-ha!
40
00:02:27,996 --> 00:02:30,560
- You said you'd get rid of it.
- Yeah. I didn't.
41
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:33,480
- I don't believe this.
- And I added some music. Our song.
42
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:36,888
- Hammertime is not our song.
- It is now.
43
00:02:37,397 --> 00:02:39,852
Don. Make yourself useful.
Who gets the first round in?
44
00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:43,470
- It's Alex.
- Bollocks! It's always me.
45
00:02:43,590 --> 00:02:45,579
Don't argue with the future,
Floppy-tits.
46
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,906
I like you better
when I can fast forward the talking.
47
00:02:50,252 --> 00:02:51,343
So, I said...
48
00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,433
"No, THIS is a forcefield,"
and showed him mine.
49
00:02:53,553 --> 00:02:56,088
Well, you've seen mine.
It's fucking massive.
50
00:02:56,679 --> 00:02:58,723
- All right, Steve?
- Yeah, great, thanks. Good.
51
00:02:58,843 --> 00:03:00,320
- Good.
- Well, actually, no.
52
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,760
I've not been OK since The Gulf.
It's the pain. And the dreams.
53
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,214
And the waking up
drenched in sweat and piss.
54
00:03:06,334 --> 00:03:07,505
OK. Cheers.
55
00:03:07,625 --> 00:03:09,759
- Oh.
- Watch the suit, Hotpants!
56
00:03:09,879 --> 00:03:11,760
Very funny. Never heard that one before.
57
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,320
- Seriously. What is your cape name?
- You know what it is.
58
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,160
Oh, yeah. The Gayness.
59
00:03:16,978 --> 00:03:18,823
The Hotness, actually.
60
00:03:18,943 --> 00:03:21,296
Whatever. If you're not on the board,
no-one cares.
61
00:03:21,416 --> 00:03:23,840
90 televisual appearances.
That has to burn.
62
00:03:24,795 --> 00:03:27,960
I've been on TV.
Yeah, quiz shows don't count, Fuckface.
63
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,699
- They do count.
- Hey, your ex...
64
00:03:29,819 --> 00:03:31,849
- is looking pretty hot herself tonight.
- Is she?
65
00:03:31,969 --> 00:03:34,880
Well, nothing amazing, but if
it was a quiet night, I'd have a go.
66
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,959
I'm sure she'd really like that.
67
00:03:37,079 --> 00:03:40,304
Of course she bloody would.
By the way, your costume's showing.
68
00:03:40,424 --> 00:03:41,650
- Really?
- No.
69
00:03:42,304 --> 00:03:44,050
- Brilliant!
- Brilliant.
70
00:03:46,031 --> 00:03:48,813
- What a cock.
- It's Devlin, isn't it?
71
00:03:48,933 --> 00:03:51,467
Being slightly more famous
doesn't make him better than me.
72
00:03:51,587 --> 00:03:54,400
Exactly. And OK,
maybe he can do a few things you can't.
73
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,849
- Flying...
- Shooting lasers out his eyes.
74
00:03:56,969 --> 00:03:59,000
- Jogging.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can jog.
75
00:03:59,449 --> 00:04:01,000
You mum run, you're all arms.
76
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,207
And OK, maybe Devlin has got
a better cape name
77
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,200
that's not quite so... You know.
78
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:06,067
Gay?
79
00:04:06,187 --> 00:04:09,600
For the last time,
there's nothing gay about The Hotness.
80
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,412
- Don. As a gay man...
- Oh, it's the gayest name in history.
81
00:04:12,532 --> 00:04:15,280
Look. I'm famous!
I'm gonna be on Power Hour tonight.
82
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,600
"Retard Torches Kiosk."
Not exactly headline news.
83
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,413
If I'm not famous,
then what do you call this?
84
00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:24,080
The amount of times you say
"I'm famous" every day?
85
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,358
It's a fan's phone number, actually.
86
00:04:26,478 --> 00:04:29,360
Her name's Vicci -
with two Cs and an I.
87
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,320
- She sounds like a slag.
- Yes. Yes, she does!
88
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,432
- Oh, come on, you two.
- It's all right. She's just jealous.
89
00:04:35,552 --> 00:04:37,360
- As if. I'd rather fuck Don.
- Oh, please!
90
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:40,152
- Just talk about me like I'm not here!
- Actually, I'd better go.
91
00:04:40,272 --> 00:04:41,830
I've got a risotto to heat up.
92
00:04:41,950 --> 00:04:46,320
And there's a certain lady called Vicci
who wants to play with fire.
93
00:04:47,570 --> 00:04:49,640
By that, I mean my cock and balls.
94
00:04:49,951 --> 00:04:51,096
I need a cigarette.
95
00:04:51,216 --> 00:04:54,249
Have a great night of indifferent
cooking and selfish love-making.
96
00:04:54,369 --> 00:04:55,733
Thanks! I will.
97
00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:59,026
My cooking's not indifferent.
98
00:05:00,572 --> 00:05:03,120
- You know what those two need?
- Some good, honest chat?
99
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,280
I was gonna say a hay fuck.
100
00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:08,600
And where are you off to
in such a hurry?
101
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,335
The Shit Name Club?
102
00:05:10,880 --> 05:13:00,644
- Actually, I've got a date.
- Actually, I've got a date.
103
00:05:13,764 --> 00:05:15,520
What are you? A 14-year-old girl?
104
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:19,290
- Just get out of the way, Devlin.
- OK, fine. What's the password.
105
00:05:19,410 --> 00:05:21,300
- What?
- I can't let you through without it.
106
00:05:21,420 --> 00:05:23,120
- For fuck's sake...
- No.
107
00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,222
- This is pathetic.
- Yes, it is.
108
00:05:25,342 --> 00:05:26,840
But that's not the password.
109
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,609
Er, I don't know. Is it...
110
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,536
- Superheroes?
- No.
111
00:05:30,972 --> 00:05:33,999
- Ticklestick.
- Congratulations on being a homo.
112
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,890
- Just let me past.
- No.
113
00:05:37,010 --> 00:05:40,199
- Please!
- Yes. That's it. See how easy that was?
114
00:05:41,363 --> 00:05:43,454
- Wanker!
- Watch it, Hotcakes.
115
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:54,343
- All right, Simon?
- Are you talking to me?
116
00:05:54,463 --> 00:05:57,120
Oh, God.
All right, Thundermonkey?
117
00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:00,235
Better. Cape name when I'm on duty,
please. We'll have some respect.
118
00:06:00,355 --> 00:06:01,920
I thought you should know.
119
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,800
Depth Charge is using his magnetic
hand on the pinball machine.
120
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,434
Jesus Christ!
He'll damage the mechanism.
121
00:06:07,798 --> 00:06:09,343
Works every time.
122
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,200
Machine, give fags.
123
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,880
- Nice try.
- Bumsticks.
124
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,852
Do you know what will occur if I let
everyone use their powers here?
125
00:06:17,972 --> 00:06:19,501
- No.
- Anarchy!
126
00:06:19,621 --> 00:06:21,400
And anarchy is not good for the carpets.
127
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,506
Come on. It's just a packet of fags.
128
00:06:23,626 --> 00:06:26,015
I'll get you a date with Jenny
if you let me keep them.
129
00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:28,270
- Could you do that?
- As if!
130
00:06:28,743 --> 00:06:31,052
I'm a superhero,
not a fucking miracle worker.
131
00:06:31,172 --> 00:06:33,252
Well, don't push my buttons, all right?
132
00:06:33,372 --> 00:06:35,077
You know I'm authorised.
133
00:06:35,197 --> 00:06:37,014
Don't make me bring the monkey thunder.
134
00:06:37,134 --> 00:06:38,232
You wouldn't.
135
00:06:48,309 --> 00:06:50,236
Hey! It's the bot-man.
136
00:06:52,218 --> 00:06:54,000
Uh! Where do you think you're going?
137
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,927
I don't know what you're talking about?
138
00:06:56,047 --> 00:06:58,825
- What's the password?
I can't let you through without that.
139
00:06:58,945 --> 00:07:01,345
Oh, the password. I remember.
140
00:07:01,908 --> 00:07:05,000
Is it, "Let me through
or I rape you, then kill you."?
141
00:07:07,109 --> 00:07:08,560
That's close enough. Yeah.
142
00:07:08,945 --> 00:07:10,091
Thank you.
143
00:07:10,211 --> 00:07:12,960
- Just a little joke, you psycho.
- I heard that.
144
00:07:19,179 --> 00:07:20,628
Just out of interest, Simon,
145
00:07:20,748 --> 00:07:23,480
how soon do the monkeys get here
after you summon them?
146
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,706
- About two and a half hours.
- Handy!
147
00:07:25,826 --> 00:07:29,852
Yeah, well. There's a perfectly good
corner shop up there. On the corner.
148
00:07:29,972 --> 00:07:32,600
The shopkeeper stinks of egg
and it's pissing down.
149
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:35,760
- Your costume's waterproof.
- Have you seen my costume?
150
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:39,150
- It's fucking tiny.
- Not my fault you dress like a slag.
151
00:07:39,270 --> 00:07:40,228
You know,
152
00:07:40,348 --> 00:07:43,888
it still amazes me
you don't have a girlfriend, Simon.
153
00:07:45,378 --> 00:07:46,178
Fine!
154
00:07:50,088 --> 00:07:51,743
Thanks for inviting me over.
155
00:07:51,863 --> 00:07:54,652
Thanks for giving me your number,
you big flirt.
156
00:07:55,143 --> 00:07:57,440
Are you sure you're OK with the whole...
157
00:07:58,289 --> 00:08:00,507
Secret identity? Yeah, of course.
158
00:08:00,627 --> 00:08:02,800
It's not like you're my first cape.
159
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,033
Do you er... mind if I smoke?
160
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:07,379
Not at all.
161
00:08:13,943 --> 00:08:15,979
That's er... pretty hot.
162
00:08:16,361 --> 00:08:19,000
Well, you're either hot...
or you're not.
163
00:08:20,197 --> 00:08:23,306
People do say that.
It's like a... phrase.
164
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,200
Mm. See you've got a lot of movies,
Hotman.
165
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,240
Yes. The Hotness.
166
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:29,800
J'adore les films.
167
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:33,944
"Some Like It Hot", "Body Heat"...
"Cat On A Hot Tin Roof".
168
00:08:34,064 --> 00:08:37,580
Heat themed Christmas presents.
No one gets bored of that gag.
169
00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:39,908
Except, you know... me!
170
00:08:40,271 --> 00:08:42,959
So erm... what's "Alex And Sarah"?
171
00:08:43,119 --> 00:08:45,962
Oh! Er, that... that's just a sweet
erm... romantic
172
00:08:46,082 --> 00:08:48,600
comedy with a homemade... cover.
173
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:50,480
It's a sex tape, isn't it?
174
00:08:51,435 --> 00:08:52,880
Yeah. It is.
175
00:08:53,363 --> 00:08:55,090
Maybe we could...
176
00:08:56,108 --> 00:08:59,040
- ... make the sequel.
- Not sure Sarah would be up for that.
177
00:08:59,460 --> 00:09:00,279
No...
178
00:09:04,641 --> 00:09:08,000
We still can't, actually,
cos the video camera was hers. But...
179
00:09:15,368 --> 00:09:18,259
You know, I like the rain.
Clears the air, dunnit?
180
00:09:18,532 --> 00:09:20,713
Plus, that outfit's gone see-through!
181
00:09:20,833 --> 00:09:22,586
- No, it fucking hasn't.
- Yeah.
182
00:09:22,706 --> 00:09:24,949
The nipples are definitely
coming into play.
183
00:09:25,069 --> 00:09:28,167
- Cock off, egg man!
- Oh, that's nice talk for a lady.
184
00:09:28,287 --> 00:09:31,531
I could have you banned. Don't
you lot have a code of conduct?
185
00:09:31,651 --> 00:09:34,629
You never get that Excelsor bloke
off the telly effing and blinding.
186
00:09:34,749 --> 00:09:36,821
You heroes don't know you're born.
187
00:09:36,941 --> 00:09:39,094
- Open the till, Granddad!
- Oh, ball sacs!
188
00:09:39,214 --> 00:09:41,879
Unlucky. There's a cape out back.
189
00:09:42,158 --> 00:09:44,146
Yeah, right!
Open the till or I'll shoot you.
190
00:09:44,266 --> 00:09:47,320
- I mean it!
- You're not gonna shoot me.
191
00:09:48,086 --> 00:09:48,886
Fuck!
192
00:09:51,739 --> 00:09:53,648
- Typical!
- Now open the till!
193
00:09:53,768 --> 00:09:55,139
Do it yourself!
194
00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:59,812
All right! I'll do it.
195
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:01,212
Ooh, muffins.
196
00:10:07,534 --> 00:10:10,760
Have you noticed
how no one even asked how my day went?
197
00:10:11,670 --> 00:10:13,180
- Don.
- How was your day?
198
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:14,502
- Shit.
- I know that.
199
00:10:14,622 --> 00:10:16,840
I broke Doomball's arm
and I broke up with David.
200
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:20,600
I didn't know you went out with David?
I thought you were just...
201
00:10:20,965 --> 00:10:23,038
- What's that?
- Wanking.
202
00:10:23,158 --> 00:10:25,440
- And that hand?
- Eating pizza.
203
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:27,320
We didn't do them all at once.
204
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,040
At least you got to break someone's arm.
I miss that.
205
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,720
Oh, darling, I know you do.
That's why you're taking time off.
206
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:37,920
- Oh, I hate retirement.
- What you need is a hobby.
207
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,952
- What did you get up to today?
- This and that, bits and bobs.
208
00:10:41,072 --> 00:10:42,880
- Drinking and masturbating.
- Yep.
209
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,880
I beat Little Don like he owe me money.
210
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:49,240
In Spain, that phrase... very funny.
211
00:10:53,688 --> 00:10:57,197
- So, who are these guys?
- Oh, that's just me at the academy.
212
00:10:57,317 --> 00:10:59,615
We kind of take an oath
not to talk about it.
213
00:10:59,735 --> 00:11:01,433
- Fine.
- OK!
214
00:11:01,924 --> 00:11:05,640
That's where I learned my mastery
of fire, to shape it as I please.
215
00:11:06,034 --> 00:11:08,070
So, do all superheroes go there?
216
00:11:08,190 --> 00:11:11,270
We're... really not supposed
to talk about it.
217
00:11:11,390 --> 00:11:13,634
But, yes. It's quite a big deal.
218
00:11:13,754 --> 00:11:15,974
People from all over the world
go there. You know,
219
00:11:16,094 --> 00:11:17,640
when their powers come on.
220
00:11:18,888 --> 00:11:20,040
And when's that?
221
00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:22,720
Depends. Mostly around...
222
00:11:23,287 --> 00:11:24,322
puberty.
223
00:11:24,795 --> 00:11:27,431
Which makes me think
there's a definite connection between
224
00:11:27,551 --> 00:11:29,680
superpowers and sex.
225
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:32,068
Indeed. They should call them...
226
00:11:32,486 --> 00:11:34,486
sexerpowers?
227
00:11:34,606 --> 00:11:37,632
Which makes me think that
there's something you could do...
228
00:11:37,752 --> 00:11:39,686
- For me.
- Go on.
229
00:11:39,806 --> 00:11:41,123
Get the costume.
230
00:11:42,014 --> 00:11:43,141
God. Really?
231
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,440
I want you to fuck me wearing the suit.
232
00:11:46,777 --> 00:11:49,680
Well, that... that does sound... nice.
233
00:11:50,995 --> 00:11:55,088
- How about I just put the gloves on?
- The whole suit or... nothing.
234
00:11:56,088 --> 00:11:57,906
Listen, Vicci. Are you...
235
00:11:58,026 --> 00:12:00,106
Are you into me, Alex?
236
00:12:00,226 --> 00:12:04,160
Or are you just into the idea
of having sex with The Hotness?
237
00:12:04,815 --> 00:12:06,720
Fuck it. I'll just go and get changed.
238
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:14,803
Ooh, Hotness!
239
00:12:20,135 --> 00:12:21,919
- Ooh!
- What's wrong?
240
00:12:22,039 --> 00:12:24,359
Erm... the suit's not really...
designed for this.
241
00:12:24,479 --> 00:12:27,160
It's a bit... pinchy in the ball area.
242
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:30,719
Oh. I think I know something
that might get you in the mood.
243
00:12:30,839 --> 00:12:32,640
- Not wearing the suit?
- No, silly.
244
00:12:33,144 --> 00:12:36,039
Why don't you pretend you're...
saving me?
245
00:12:36,454 --> 00:12:40,653
Erm... I'm not... I'm not really too
good at the whole role play thing.
246
00:12:41,362 --> 00:12:42,281
Really?
247
00:12:44,408 --> 00:12:45,408
Come on.
248
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,519
The Hotness to the rescue!
249
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,879
We do get to have sex now, right?
250
00:12:54,999 --> 00:12:57,821
You're gonna have to try
a bit harder than that.
251
00:12:59,857 --> 00:13:00,603
Good!
252
00:13:06,061 --> 00:13:09,229
Don. Have you ever used your powers
to find a boyfriend?
253
00:13:09,349 --> 00:13:10,049
No.
254
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,331
- Yes.
- Then, help me find a nice man.
255
00:13:13,451 --> 00:13:17,279
Jenny. I've had sex with myself
so many times in the last 24 hours,
256
00:13:17,399 --> 00:13:20,240
- I'm dry on the inside.
- OK, that's unpleasant.
257
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,404
- My balls are like ping pongs.
- Yuk!
258
00:13:22,524 --> 00:13:24,920
If I found a nice man,
I would give him to you?
259
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,200
But if I pick someone to talk to,
you can tell me how they'll react.
260
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,760
Yes. For 60 seconds.
261
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,784
They say in the first minute
you know if it's meant to be.
262
00:13:32,904 --> 00:13:35,311
Hey. No powers in The Fortress.
263
00:13:35,431 --> 00:13:37,239
You know, if I get barred from the pub,
264
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:40,000
I literally have nothing left
to live for.
265
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:41,721
That's two drinks.
266
00:13:42,702 --> 00:13:43,760
Who's first?
267
00:13:47,538 --> 00:13:48,720
Oh, don't mind me.
268
00:13:49,138 --> 00:13:50,824
Jesus! How old are you?
269
00:13:51,206 --> 00:13:54,320
You've been shot by a tiny child!
It's embarrassing.
270
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,519
- I give up.
- That's all right. You keep it.
271
00:13:56,639 --> 00:13:58,310
I don't want no trouble with a cape.
272
00:13:59,103 --> 00:14:00,667
Just getting some fags.
273
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,920
Shall I open this?
I'm good with machines.
274
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,480
You're meant to be an 'ero.
275
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,379
Don't tell me how to be a hero.
276
00:14:06,499 --> 00:14:09,634
Even my parents are heroes.
They were like Torvill and Dean.
277
00:14:09,754 --> 00:14:11,240
Your parents're Torvill and Dean?
278
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,732
No. They were LIKE the Torvill
and Dean of the superhero world.
279
00:14:14,852 --> 00:14:17,350
- Not very clever, are you?
- I am robbing a Costcutter.
280
00:14:17,470 --> 00:14:19,018
Fair point.
Open.
281
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,120
Will you be able to pick up all
that money with child's hands?
282
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,289
- Is this a trick or something?
- No. I just like you.
283
00:14:26,835 --> 00:14:29,880
You could use some of that
to get something to cover your face.
284
00:14:30,498 --> 00:14:32,480
Tights... a balaclava.
285
00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:34,040
Go on.
286
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,985
Someone! Help me!
287
00:14:41,105 --> 00:14:43,480
Tourniquet has me
in one of his evil traps!
288
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,775
Er, Vicci, people don't really
talk like that.
289
00:14:46,895 --> 00:14:49,120
- Look. Do you want to do this or not?
- Right.
290
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:50,089
Sorry.
291
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,559
Er... don't worry. I'm The Hotness.
292
00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:57,960
- And I'm going to rescue you.
- You might be hot.
293
00:14:58,330 --> 00:15:01,840
But you'll never get me loose from
Torniquet's evil knots.
294
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,883
Erm, Tourniquet doesn't really do knots.
He's more an evil virus guy.
295
00:15:06,003 --> 00:15:07,840
- The name is confusing.
- Fine.
296
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,872
He's also injected me
with an evil virus.
297
00:15:10,992 --> 00:15:12,282
What are you gonna do?!
298
00:15:12,402 --> 00:15:14,676
Well, once it's in the blood,
there's not a lot you CAN do.
299
00:15:14,796 --> 00:15:16,560
It's basically all over.
300
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,720
Fucking useless.
Why don't you...
301
00:15:19,106 --> 00:15:22,150
take off my tight trousers?
302
00:15:22,270 --> 00:15:24,240
That should neutralise the virus.
303
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,200
Nice idea. I'm on it.
304
00:15:31,136 --> 00:15:32,600
Don't stop now!
305
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,155
What is that?
306
00:15:35,864 --> 00:15:38,280
- Is that... Excelsor?
- Yeah.
307
00:15:38,636 --> 00:15:41,639
- Most people don't recognise him.
- No, I think it's...
308
00:15:42,264 --> 00:15:43,555
very accurate.
309
00:15:45,410 --> 00:15:46,192
Look.
310
00:15:47,065 --> 00:15:49,080
Excelsor's smiling at you.
311
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,400
Why don't you give him a little...
kiss?
312
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,905
What if I went up to that guy there
313
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:01,588
and said, "Hi. I'm Jenny."?
How would that go?
314
00:16:02,857 --> 00:16:04,294
- Badly.
- What do you mean?
315
00:16:04,414 --> 00:16:07,691
You say, "Hi, I'm Jenny." He say, "Hi,
I'm Steve. You smell like a sexfish."
316
00:16:08,003 --> 00:16:10,800
- He sounds a bit odd.
- It's Odd Steve. He's fucking odd.
317
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:11,754
Right.
318
00:16:13,663 --> 00:16:15,361
What about that guy in the suit?
319
00:16:15,481 --> 00:16:17,600
They're off duty superheroes.
They're all in suits.
320
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:18,520
Him.
321
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,997
Yeah, you can try it. But he'll say
you remind him of his mother.
322
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:25,862
- No problem.
- Then he'll lick his lips
323
00:16:25,982 --> 00:16:28,571
- and touch himself a bit.
- That is trickier.
324
00:16:28,691 --> 00:16:31,920
Here's a fun idea. What about Devlin?
325
00:16:32,752 --> 00:16:33,698
Devlin?
326
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,523
The most famous superhero
of his generation?
327
00:16:36,643 --> 00:16:38,240
Go on. You never know.
328
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,200
- I wouldn't bother.
- Why not?
329
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,240
- You don't want to know.
- Tell me. OK.
330
00:16:43,584 --> 00:16:47,280
First, he calls you a name
which rhymes with... bugly spunt.
331
00:16:47,602 --> 00:16:49,688
- Right.
- Then Devlin's laughing.
332
00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:52,246
Now all his friends join in, wildly.
333
00:16:52,366 --> 00:16:53,975
One of them's laughing so much,
334
00:16:54,095 --> 00:16:56,760
red wine's coming out of his nose
and he's texting a friend.
335
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:58,671
Enough. That's enough, Don.
336
00:16:59,072 --> 00:17:00,999
Oh, Hotman!
337
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:05,218
Vicci? Vicci!
338
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:10,079
I'm not...
I'm not really feeling this any more.
339
00:17:10,444 --> 00:17:12,159
Is it cos of my Excelsor?
340
00:17:12,279 --> 00:17:13,044
Maybe.
341
00:17:13,164 --> 00:17:15,021
Would you prefer
if it was a picture of you?
342
00:17:15,141 --> 00:17:18,195
No. It... still feels a bit... rushed.
343
00:17:20,032 --> 00:17:21,917
Most superheroes seem to like that.
344
00:17:22,037 --> 00:17:23,885
How many costumes
have you been with, exactly?
345
00:17:24,005 --> 00:17:26,320
- 20.
- Right. Anyone I know?
346
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:30,208
- Hardstar, Dancemaster, Brimstone.
- He's a demon.
347
00:17:30,328 --> 00:17:32,359
Detonator, Hunter and Prey,
they were together.
348
00:17:32,479 --> 00:17:34,359
- Tinface.
- He's made entirely of metal.
349
00:17:34,479 --> 00:17:36,879
Powerfist, Woody Harrelson.
350
00:17:36,999 --> 00:17:40,199
Vicci, just so you know,
Woody Harrelson is not a superhero.
351
00:17:40,319 --> 00:17:42,719
- What?
- Look. I think you're a really nice...
352
00:17:42,839 --> 00:17:46,240
slightly slutty girl,
but I really think you should go now.
353
00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:50,137
You lot are all the same. You think
you have the power, but you haven't.
354
00:17:50,257 --> 00:17:52,315
Technically, I have got the power.
355
00:17:52,435 --> 00:17:54,447
Kick me out
and I'll go straight to the press
356
00:17:54,567 --> 00:17:56,000
and say you couldn't get it up.
357
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,359
- You wouldn't.
- I may even say it was cape rape.
358
00:17:58,479 --> 00:18:01,080
Christ! Please don't say that.
Erm, maybe...
359
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,119
I could get you something?
360
00:18:03,433 --> 00:18:05,320
- An autograph?
- What?
361
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:06,960
What will get you to go?
362
00:18:07,779 --> 00:18:08,634
Well...
363
00:18:09,106 --> 00:18:11,524
There is something you could do for me.
364
00:18:21,215 --> 00:18:22,615
No... way!
365
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:26,823
Just think of it...
like an autograph.
366
00:18:26,943 --> 00:18:28,925
It's nothing like an autograph!
367
00:18:31,525 --> 00:18:32,840
OK, OK, OK, OK.
368
00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:37,135
Swear... you'll never tell anyone.
369
00:18:39,316 --> 00:18:41,200
That'll do. See you.
370
00:18:46,278 --> 00:18:49,493
- Why didn't you stop him?
- He seemed lovely.
371
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,845
I'm... I'm sorry. All right, sweetcakes?
372
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,086
Yeah. Guess what?
373
00:18:54,206 --> 00:18:56,240
Calling me sweetcakes
really isn't gonna help.
374
00:18:56,862 --> 00:18:58,320
If you admit you're a bellend...
375
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,989
I'll think about
stopping the tiny criminal.
376
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:02,759
All right, then. Fine.
377
00:19:03,353 --> 00:19:04,498
I'm a bellend.
378
00:19:05,135 --> 00:19:07,317
I can't hear you, Mr Bellend!
379
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,400
- I'm a bellend.
- That's better.
380
00:19:10,953 --> 00:19:12,239
Steering failed.
381
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:14,753
Brakes don't work.
382
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,760
I'm gonna need some stuff.
383
00:19:18,054 --> 00:19:19,320
Mainly Ginsters.
384
00:19:19,819 --> 00:19:21,439
AND... egg man,
385
00:19:22,164 --> 00:19:23,680
I'm gonna need free cigarettes.
386
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,880
- Just take 'em.
- For life.
387
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:32,042
- Come on!
- He's staring right at me.
388
00:19:32,162 --> 00:19:34,919
I don't care about that.
I want it all over me now!
389
00:19:35,039 --> 00:19:37,559
- Oh, all right. Nearly there.
- Do it, Hotman!
390
00:19:37,679 --> 00:19:40,319
Do it! Squirt all over his little face!
391
00:19:40,439 --> 00:19:42,319
God! God!
392
00:19:42,439 --> 00:19:44,439
Aagh! It's hot!
393
00:19:44,559 --> 00:19:46,520
Well, you're either hot or you're not.
394
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,120
Yeah... Can you pass me a sock?
395
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:56,577
The lives of 420 workers and residents
were saved today by Excelsor,
396
00:19:56,697 --> 00:19:58,901
the country's number one costumed hero.
397
00:19:59,021 --> 00:20:01,525
Hey, Hotpants.
Just missed yourself on telly.
398
00:20:01,645 --> 00:20:04,599
- Really?
- No. I gotcha!
399
00:20:05,652 --> 00:20:06,671
Brilliant!
400
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:11,271
Alex, you're back.
How was your slag? I mean, dinner.
401
00:20:11,561 --> 00:20:13,314
Both were pretty tasty, actually.
402
00:20:13,434 --> 00:20:15,943
Although the dinner was probably
a bit less mental.
403
00:20:16,063 --> 00:20:19,761
Well, there's one news item
left to go and you are nowhere.
404
00:20:19,881 --> 00:20:23,120
Still a chance, though.
Fingers crossed for the last item.
405
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:27,260
Our streets became a safer place tonight
thanks to one hotly tipped superhero.
406
00:20:27,380 --> 00:20:29,714
- This is it.
- Earlier tonight in this store,
407
00:20:29,834 --> 00:20:32,707
an armed robbery was foiled
by Electroclash.
408
00:20:32,827 --> 00:20:33,880
Yes!
409
00:20:35,598 --> 00:20:37,720
- When did this happen?
- While you were, you know...
410
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:39,282
- Knobbing a groupie.
- Right.
411
00:20:39,402 --> 00:20:42,296
To be fair, the shooting wasn't averted.
412
00:20:42,416 --> 00:20:45,798
A couple of gunshot wounds don't
count. Oi! Put me on the board.
413
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,280
Today's turned out OK.
414
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,598
That was just a stupid corner shop.
I saved a news stand.
415
00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:54,120
Alex, don't be such a baby.
Say well done.
416
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:56,200
- It's not a competition.
- Yes, it is.
417
00:20:56,525 --> 00:20:58,743
Fine. Well done, Sarah!
418
00:21:00,670 --> 00:21:02,600
Seriously... good work.
419
00:21:03,325 --> 00:21:04,197
Thanks.
420
00:21:04,561 --> 00:21:06,800
And erm... sorry about earlier.
421
00:21:07,234 --> 00:21:10,561
Listen. I felt bad too.
I got you something.
422
00:21:12,670 --> 00:21:14,734
- The only copy.
- Thanks, Alex.
423
00:21:15,043 --> 00:21:16,400
I appreciate this.
424
00:21:18,334 --> 00:21:19,461
Who's Sandra?
425
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:23,432
- Wrong sex tape!
- I know I shouldn't say this,
426
00:21:23,552 --> 00:21:25,319
but I did see that coming.
427
00:21:25,369 --> 00:21:29,919
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