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[upbeat music]
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[overlapping chatter]
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Sorry I'm late.
4
00:00:10,012 --> 00:00:12,949
All right, we have a great show tonight.
5
00:00:12,982 --> 00:00:15,099
We don't have a great show.
We have a mediocre show tonight.
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00:00:15,124 --> 00:00:17,890
We have Stephanie March
from "Law & Order: SVU."
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Ooh!
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We also have Gigi Gorgeous.
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- Who's that?
- Who is Gigi Gorgeous?
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She is a trans model and makeup artist.
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She has millions of YouTube subscribers,
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00:00:27,230 --> 00:00:29,834
and she introduced me to this lip gloss,
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00:00:29,867 --> 00:00:31,927
- which obviously looks amazing.
- It looks amazing.
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- It's shiny.
- Oh, she's so beautiful.
15
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We're also gonna do Vulgar Tweets again.
16
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Oh, God.
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That's a complete rip-off
of Jimmy's Mean Tweets.
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00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:40,795
- Which Jimmy? Our Jimmy?
- No, not our Jimmy.
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- The other Jimmy.
- Which other Jimmy?
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- He's talking about Jimmy...
- [both]: Kimmel.
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Jimmy thinks it's funny, so
we're doing Vulgar Tweets.
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- Which Jimmy?
- Jimmy, our Jimmy.
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00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:52,791
And it's funny how he
puts the little thing
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over the people's mouths when
they're saying the bad words.
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It's original.
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Late night hasn't been
original since Steve Allen.
27
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Okay, we're doing it, and also,
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Jimmy's business manager
embezzled some money
29
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and took off to Mexico,
and he can't reach him.
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So Jimmy is drinking vodka on the toilet
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up in his dressing room.
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Please do not disturb.
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So let's just go in and do the
best mediocre show we can.
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- Penny?
- Yeah?
35
00:01:16,754 --> 00:01:18,145
What's in your neck?
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What... what?
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Looks like an acupuncture needle.
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Oh, that makes sense.
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The light in my acupuncturist's
van is a little shoddy.
40
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Oh, I could take it out for you.
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- Really?
- Yeah.
42
00:01:30,002 --> 00:01:32,906
That would be awesome, because I'd have
to wait till the next quarter moon.
43
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Yeah, let's just go to my office.
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That's where I keep my surgical gloves.
45
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- You need surgical gloves?
- Well, no.
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But if something were
to go wrong, then yes.
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From Studio 9B
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in the heart of New York City,
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it's "Nightcap With Jimmy."
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Tonight: transgender
YouTube star Gigi Gorgeous.
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A woman who can actually
make you gorgeous,
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Stephanie March.
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Celebrities read mean Myspace posts.
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And now, the man who's
number five in the ratings,
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but number one in our hearts,
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here's Jimmy!
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-- Sync and corrections by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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[knocking] Hey.
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00:02:12,742 --> 00:02:14,070
- Yep.
- It's Todd.
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- Yeah.
- Hi.
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00:02:15,313 --> 00:02:18,251
So Jimmy wants to be set
up on a date with Gigi.
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- Gigi Gorgeous?
- Yeah, yeah.
63
00:02:19,565 --> 00:02:21,752
We gotta make that happen.
You gotta make that happen.
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Does Jimmy know that she's...
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Canadian, yeah. He's totally fine.
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- It's a great state.
- Okay.
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You are aware that she has another name.
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She in the CIA?
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No, she was born "Gregory."
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Oh, yeah, no, that stuff.
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Yeah, Jimmy knows all about that, yeah.
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- It's 2016.
- Okay.
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You know, he sees her on YouTube.
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You know, he just... Doesn't
want to marry her.
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- He just wants to hook up.
- All right.
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- You get that, right?
- Yeah.
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- You hook up.
- No, I don't hook up.
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Yeah, you do. You have to.
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No, I got a gnome garden,
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and I volunteer at the Humane Society.
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I'm full.
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Okay, there's gotta be humane
guys out there, right?
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No, I'm not really using
a man to fulfill me.
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00:02:56,246 --> 00:02:57,347
- Okay.
- I'm just... I like...
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Saturday night to me
is a mug of Ovaltine
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- and Jane Austen. - Oh, I get it.
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You're into women. [clicks tongue]
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Not into anything. Thank you.
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Okay.
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[upbeat music]
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Thanks so much for doing
this for me, Randy.
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I just have never had a steady hand
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when it comes to needles.
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That's why the woman in the wheelchair
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picked a fight with
me in quilters' club.
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It's actually a really simple procedure.
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Plus, I once got a massage in Bali,
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so I'm pretty good with
Eastern medicine, okay?
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You got nothing to worry about.
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Why is Grady here?
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I'm glad you asked.
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I'm filming you for YouTube.
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Why?
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Extraction videos are huge on YouTube.
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- Really?
- Yeah, people love watching
106
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stuff get pulled out of other people.
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Blackheads, insects from ear canals.
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Ingrown hairs are awesome.
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Why would anyone watch that?
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Sexual gratification, of course.
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So will people...
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Be fondling themselves
while they watch you?
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Most likely.
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Why on earth would I agree to do this?
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- Money.
- Money.
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With the extra cash, I could
finally afford bone broth.
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I'm in!
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All right! Let's do it.
119
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That's why I'm not good in heels.
120
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Oh, my God, Ana, we are not doing
121
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bikini waxes in the
dressing room anymore.
122
00:04:09,205 --> 00:04:10,920
I am here to speak to Gigi.
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- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, no worries.
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- I've had fans do worse.
- Oh, I'm not a fan.
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00:04:14,650 --> 00:04:16,451
I just wanted to show
you my beauty line,
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because I was thinking
of maybe making you
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my spokes-model for Czech Mate Cosmetics.
128
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Czech, you know, like Czech?
You know, like Czech?
129
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,070
Oh, we get it. We get it.
130
00:04:26,102 --> 00:04:29,038
I think the trans community
needs more product identity,
131
00:04:29,071 --> 00:04:30,769
but I already rep a line.
I'm so sorry, boo.
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Oh, she reps a line.
133
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What the fuck is a trans community?
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She was a man, and now she's a woman.
135
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Ooh. Only in America.
136
00:04:39,850 --> 00:04:41,619
Well, actually all over the world.
137
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Okay, thanks, boo.
138
00:04:43,653 --> 00:04:45,755
You can still have a look around, yeah.
139
00:04:45,789 --> 00:04:47,288
- Okay.
- Oh, my gosh.
140
00:04:47,313 --> 00:04:50,928
I'm so sorry. You know,
I don't pick the staff.
141
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,653
So is she transgender too?
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00:04:53,678 --> 00:04:56,434
Oh, God, you know, I've never asked.
143
00:04:56,467 --> 00:04:58,504
But I want to talk about your interview.
144
00:04:58,529 --> 00:05:00,395
So you're gonna walk out onstage,
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you're gonna sit down, tell the story
146
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:04,073
about how you almost died
choking on a Cheeto.
147
00:05:04,107 --> 00:05:05,876
Okay, and then there's
another segment, right?
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00:05:05,909 --> 00:05:07,111
You go to the commercial, you come back,
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00:05:07,143 --> 00:05:08,645
and then you're gonna tell the story
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00:05:08,679 --> 00:05:10,310
about how you almost
incinerated your Whippet.
151
00:05:10,335 --> 00:05:12,247
And then you'll probably
go to dinner with him.
152
00:05:12,272 --> 00:05:13,450
With Jimmy?
153
00:05:13,484 --> 00:05:16,053
Yeah, he likes to entertain
the celebs after the show.
154
00:05:16,085 --> 00:05:17,958
So, you know, as soon as we're done,
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boom, you're in his Hummer, and
you're off for some tekka maki.
156
00:05:21,023 --> 00:05:23,494
What are you, his pimp or something?
157
00:05:23,527 --> 00:05:24,929
Yes, I am.
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Honey, I didn't go through all of this
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to be going on dates with
some aging comedian.
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00:05:30,102 --> 00:05:31,850
Okay, just... Just think about it, okay?
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Because it could be fun, you know?
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And it could be my job.
163
00:05:35,739 --> 00:05:37,357
Well, why don't you just fuck him then?
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Okay, cool. So you'll think about it.
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Proms?
166
00:05:40,777 --> 00:05:42,813
Okay, I'll think about it.
167
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Ana.
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I'm not taking everything.
169
00:05:50,156 --> 00:05:53,224
Um, listen, I need you to do me a favor.
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00:05:53,256 --> 00:05:54,765
Me do you a favor?
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00:05:54,790 --> 00:05:56,926
I need you to convince Gigi to
go out with Jimmy tonight.
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00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,508
- Why me?
- Well...
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00:05:58,533 --> 00:06:02,899
because Gigi thinks you're
also a tran... friend.
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00:06:02,933 --> 00:06:04,702
And I just need you to convince her.
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00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:06,569
- One condition.
- Mm-hmm.
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00:06:06,932 --> 00:06:10,573
You get Stephanie March to
try my beauty line products.
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And when she loves it,
I'm gonna become rich.
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I'm gonna quit this shithole,
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and I'm gonna move to Pittsburgh.
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Nobody rich lives in Pittsburgh.
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00:06:18,965 --> 00:06:21,519
I know, I'll be the richest
person in Pittsburgh.
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00:06:21,551 --> 00:06:23,174
- Do we have a deal?
- We have a deal.
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00:06:23,199 --> 00:06:24,199
Okay.
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00:06:24,224 --> 00:06:25,974
[energetic music]
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Do not eat those pork sliders.
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I know cat when I taste cat.
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Uck, I was actually contemplating it.
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Thank you, girl.
189
00:06:33,229 --> 00:06:35,633
Jimmy wants to have sex with you.
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00:06:35,665 --> 00:06:37,000
Oh.
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00:06:37,034 --> 00:06:38,491
Ew.
192
00:06:38,516 --> 00:06:40,006
I don't think I'm interested.
193
00:06:40,031 --> 00:06:41,437
Okay, I get it.
194
00:06:41,462 --> 00:06:44,077
But I do it a couple of times a week,
195
00:06:44,102 --> 00:06:45,208
and it's not so bad.
196
00:06:45,241 --> 00:06:46,459
Hmm.
197
00:06:46,484 --> 00:06:47,765
I just think that you should know
198
00:06:47,790 --> 00:06:50,948
that Jimmy gets 50% discount at J.Crew.
199
00:06:50,980 --> 00:06:53,679
Even though that sounds
very enticing, no.
200
00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:55,126
I don't think I'll be dating Jimmy.
201
00:06:55,151 --> 00:06:57,485
That's a good call. He's not your type.
202
00:06:57,510 --> 00:06:58,722
Oh, yeah? Who is?
203
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,963
I don't know, but definitely not Jimmy.
204
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:04,328
I look at Gigi, and I see, like,
a strong, confident woman.
205
00:07:04,353 --> 00:07:07,132
You're like a butterfly, and
Jimmy's like a dung beetle.
206
00:07:07,157 --> 00:07:10,038
Wow. I'm Gigi Gorgeous.
207
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,936
Randy, audio.
208
00:07:11,969 --> 00:07:15,039
Nice to meet you, Mr. Audio.
209
00:07:15,071 --> 00:07:17,040
Do not eat the sliders.
210
00:07:17,073 --> 00:07:18,641
Rawr!
211
00:07:18,674 --> 00:07:20,811
So are you gonna fuck Jimmy or not?
212
00:07:20,844 --> 00:07:22,265
No!
213
00:07:23,145 --> 00:07:24,549
Smooth.
214
00:07:26,215 --> 00:07:29,699
[energetic brass music]
215
00:07:29,769 --> 00:07:31,504
You're a very pretty girl,
216
00:07:31,529 --> 00:07:34,333
but what if I can make
you more pretty girl?
217
00:07:34,358 --> 00:07:36,241
See, I have this line of
beauty products that...
218
00:07:36,266 --> 00:07:38,945
You know, I already
endorse so many products.
219
00:07:38,970 --> 00:07:40,055
I'm the face of them,
220
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,321
and I have contracts with
several different companies
221
00:07:42,346 --> 00:07:44,349
because I have a makeup
bar called Rouge,
222
00:07:44,501 --> 00:07:46,436
and I feel that it would be
a conflict of interest.
223
00:07:46,469 --> 00:07:49,039
Hello, it's a blow dry bar for makeup.
224
00:07:49,073 --> 00:07:50,207
It's genius.
225
00:07:50,241 --> 00:07:52,277
Sounds like a wonderful spot
226
00:07:52,310 --> 00:07:53,978
to carry my cream.
227
00:07:54,010 --> 00:07:56,380
It's handmade by peasants
in the mountains.
228
00:07:56,414 --> 00:07:57,681
Where are you from?
229
00:07:57,714 --> 00:07:58,982
The Czech Republic.
230
00:07:59,015 --> 00:08:00,051
Where are you from?
231
00:08:00,084 --> 00:08:01,089
East Hampton.
232
00:08:01,114 --> 00:08:03,169
Is that where, like, rich people live?
233
00:08:03,194 --> 00:08:04,199
Not full-time.
234
00:08:04,224 --> 00:08:06,936
That's where I will live
when I'm rich, not full-time.
235
00:08:06,961 --> 00:08:09,159
But I really think that
you just let me try
236
00:08:09,193 --> 00:08:11,529
a little bit on your skin,
and then if you like,
237
00:08:11,561 --> 00:08:13,363
maybe you are going to want to sell
238
00:08:13,397 --> 00:08:16,222
in your blow dry bar for face store.
239
00:08:16,655 --> 00:08:18,645
You know what, give it a shot.
240
00:08:18,670 --> 00:08:19,770
- Okay, fantastic.
- Fine.
241
00:08:19,795 --> 00:08:20,911
So I'm going to put this on you.
242
00:08:20,936 --> 00:08:23,005
I try it on my whole family.
243
00:08:23,407 --> 00:08:24,409
Okay.
244
00:08:24,441 --> 00:08:26,611
And my family, they love it.
245
00:08:26,644 --> 00:08:28,446
I don't test on animals.
246
00:08:28,478 --> 00:08:30,147
It's starting to smell weird.
247
00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:31,809
It's actually starting
to burn a little bit.
248
00:08:31,834 --> 00:08:33,380
Oh, no, it's the organic ingredient.
249
00:08:33,405 --> 00:08:35,520
It's supposed to burn,
yes? It makes it work.
250
00:08:35,553 --> 00:08:38,872
Oh, ow, ow, ow. Ow! Ow, ow, ow!
251
00:08:38,897 --> 00:08:40,065
- What is in this?
- Ow!
252
00:08:40,090 --> 00:08:41,293
Uh, what the hell is going on in here?
253
00:08:41,318 --> 00:08:42,911
My face is burning off.
That's what's going on.
254
00:08:42,936 --> 00:08:44,943
Okay, I'm going to go
and make myself a coffee.
255
00:08:44,968 --> 00:08:47,772
Ow, ow, ow, ow. This is
really starting to hurt.
256
00:08:47,797 --> 00:08:49,032
Uh, will you do something?
257
00:08:49,066 --> 00:08:50,234
Will you do something?
258
00:08:50,266 --> 00:08:51,568
Somebody do something!
259
00:08:51,601 --> 00:08:54,105
[lively trumpet music]
260
00:08:54,138 --> 00:08:56,741
[sniffs]
261
00:08:56,774 --> 00:08:58,275
Ah.
262
00:08:58,308 --> 00:08:59,677
Ahh.
263
00:08:59,709 --> 00:09:01,311
- Penny.
- Ahh.
264
00:09:01,345 --> 00:09:02,580
Ah, what are you doing?
265
00:09:02,612 --> 00:09:04,110
Can you stop? We have some news.
266
00:09:04,135 --> 00:09:06,317
Penny, the video was a huge success.
267
00:09:06,350 --> 00:09:08,019
We have 10,000 likes. - 10,000 likes.
268
00:09:08,052 --> 00:09:09,494
- What?
- You're a star, Penny.
269
00:09:09,519 --> 00:09:11,362
I directed a great
video. Now it's a hit.
270
00:09:11,387 --> 00:09:13,055
I directed and created and
"story by," teleplay...
271
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,716
We co-directed it.
He produced it, I directed it.
272
00:09:15,393 --> 00:09:17,428
Penny, the point is
we have 10,000 likes.
273
00:09:17,461 --> 00:09:19,063
My phone will not stop beeping.
274
00:09:19,096 --> 00:09:21,099
The point is, it's all
about content right now.
275
00:09:21,131 --> 00:09:22,566
Content, content, content.
276
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:23,914
So what else do you have?
277
00:09:23,939 --> 00:09:25,282
What else can we pull out of you, Penny?
278
00:09:25,307 --> 00:09:27,408
There is another acupuncture
needle in my thigh.
279
00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:28,472
- Hey!
- That's perfect.
280
00:09:28,505 --> 00:09:29,606
- Yes!
- You gorgeous idiot.
281
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,017
Why didn't you tell us before?
282
00:09:31,042 --> 00:09:32,294
I'm a star.
283
00:09:32,319 --> 00:09:33,796
Get into hair and makeup now.
284
00:09:35,379 --> 00:09:37,414
Hey, there, hey-yo, hi-yo, hey-yo!
285
00:09:37,448 --> 00:09:39,250
Ha ha, hey, hey.
286
00:09:39,283 --> 00:09:40,518
Damn, you are gorgeous.
287
00:09:40,550 --> 00:09:42,486
- Thank you. Hi.
- "Gee-gee" Gorgeous.
288
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,682
Nice.
289
00:09:43,707 --> 00:09:45,188
It's Gigi.
290
00:09:45,222 --> 00:09:46,457
Cool.
291
00:09:46,490 --> 00:09:47,833
I'm Todd, by the way.
292
00:09:47,858 --> 00:09:50,460
I'm from upstairs where all
the creative magic happens.
293
00:09:50,494 --> 00:09:53,097
Oh, cool. Are you one of the writers?
294
00:09:53,130 --> 00:09:55,080
- Mm-hmm, yep.
- Oh.
295
00:09:55,105 --> 00:09:57,702
You probably recognize me from
that ongoing segment I have.
296
00:09:57,735 --> 00:09:59,270
Right? "Todd the Tool."
297
00:09:59,303 --> 00:10:00,571
Dress up as different tools.
298
00:10:00,603 --> 00:10:02,205
I was a saw.
299
00:10:02,239 --> 00:10:03,574
- Okay.
- A screwdriver.
300
00:10:03,606 --> 00:10:05,375
It was very nice to meet you.
301
00:10:05,409 --> 00:10:07,378
Wrench. I was also a wrench.
302
00:10:07,410 --> 00:10:08,512
So are you excited for tonight?
303
00:10:08,545 --> 00:10:09,813
Uh, yeah, I'm really excited.
304
00:10:09,847 --> 00:10:11,281
I'm excited to be here
and be on the show.
305
00:10:11,314 --> 00:10:13,617
No, no, I meant after the show.
306
00:10:13,650 --> 00:10:15,432
Jimmy takes all his dates
307
00:10:15,457 --> 00:10:17,422
to really expensive restaurants, so...
308
00:10:17,454 --> 00:10:19,289
I'm sure Jimmy is very nice,
309
00:10:19,323 --> 00:10:21,458
but, no, I will not
be going out with him,
310
00:10:21,491 --> 00:10:22,492
for the last time.
311
00:10:22,525 --> 00:10:23,693
What?
312
00:10:23,726 --> 00:10:25,129
What... he's famous.
313
00:10:25,161 --> 00:10:26,263
He's a famous guy.
314
00:10:26,297 --> 00:10:27,888
He's just not my type.
315
00:10:27,913 --> 00:10:30,767
He's everyone's type 'cause he's famous.
316
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:31,875
Okay.
317
00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:34,271
Wait, sorry, no one's
ever said no to Jimmy.
318
00:10:34,304 --> 00:10:36,239
I don't know how to process this.
319
00:10:36,273 --> 00:10:38,609
He... you gotta go.
320
00:10:38,641 --> 00:10:40,506
I'm gonna... I'm actually gonna go.
321
00:10:40,531 --> 00:10:41,906
- No!
- Very nice meeting you.
322
00:10:41,931 --> 00:10:44,147
Where you go... I don't
know how to tell Jimmy this.
323
00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:45,582
Bye. [giggles]
324
00:10:45,616 --> 00:10:47,284
Oh, gosh.
325
00:10:47,318 --> 00:10:48,686
[energetic music]
326
00:10:48,718 --> 00:10:50,854
[sighs] I can't believe this happened.
327
00:10:50,888 --> 00:10:52,390
I'm so sorry.
328
00:10:52,423 --> 00:10:53,724
I know I should have said something,
329
00:10:53,756 --> 00:10:55,325
but quite frankly I'm afraid of Ana.
330
00:10:55,358 --> 00:10:56,469
She is a monster.
331
00:10:56,494 --> 00:10:58,762
Oh, my God. What happened?
332
00:10:58,795 --> 00:11:02,332
That Russian hooker's makeup
line ruined my client's face.
333
00:11:02,366 --> 00:11:04,235
Yeah, she's actually
from the Czech Republic.
334
00:11:04,268 --> 00:11:05,636
Shut up.
335
00:11:05,669 --> 00:11:08,338
Stephanie March has been
the epitome of beauty
336
00:11:08,371 --> 00:11:10,049
- for 40 years.
- Not 40.
337
00:11:10,074 --> 00:11:12,412
And then she comes to this shit show,
338
00:11:12,437 --> 00:11:14,174
and now her face is ruined?
339
00:11:14,199 --> 00:11:16,764
Well, we don't know how it looks yet.
340
00:11:16,789 --> 00:11:19,006
The aloe vera may have
taken the swelling down.
341
00:11:19,031 --> 00:11:21,118
I think it's time to take
off the bandage, yeah?
342
00:11:21,151 --> 00:11:22,352
Okay.
343
00:11:22,385 --> 00:11:23,587
Now, listen to me very carefully.
344
00:11:23,621 --> 00:11:24,755
Stuff happens all the time
345
00:11:24,788 --> 00:11:26,390
- on our set.
- All the time.
346
00:11:26,423 --> 00:11:29,751
She bruised her knee
bone. I've broken nails.
347
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:31,852
Marcus always knows
how to fix everything.
348
00:11:31,877 --> 00:11:33,497
Girl, I'm sure it's nothing.
I'm sure... Ahhhh!
349
00:11:33,530 --> 00:11:34,731
- Ahhh!
- Oh, my God.
350
00:11:34,765 --> 00:11:36,167
[gasps]
351
00:11:36,199 --> 00:11:38,568
Oh, oh.
352
00:11:38,601 --> 00:11:39,871
Oh!
353
00:11:39,904 --> 00:11:42,405
She looks great.
354
00:11:42,438 --> 00:11:43,601
Where are you going?
355
00:11:43,626 --> 00:11:45,275
- We have a thing.
- We have a thing.
356
00:11:45,308 --> 00:11:47,383
- What... come back here!
- We have a thing.
357
00:11:48,913 --> 00:11:52,588
[energetic brass music]
358
00:11:52,613 --> 00:11:53,933
If that Ukrainian cretin
359
00:11:53,958 --> 00:11:55,692
is not deported by
the end of the week...
360
00:11:55,717 --> 00:11:57,240
Somebody wanted to see me?
361
00:11:57,265 --> 00:11:59,421
Yeah, you and your makeup line
362
00:11:59,446 --> 00:12:01,446
have disfigured my client's face.
363
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:03,088
She has weak American skin.
364
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:06,088
It is a very good thing I have
a plastic surgeon on retainer.
365
00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:09,285
You are so fired!
366
00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:11,603
- [chuckles] You gonna fire me?
- Yeah.
367
00:12:11,628 --> 00:12:13,778
I am Jimmy's. You can't fire me.
368
00:12:13,803 --> 00:12:15,256
- I'm untouchable.
- You're Jimmy's?
369
00:12:15,281 --> 00:12:16,866
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We got it all figured out.
370
00:12:16,891 --> 00:12:19,000
We have an ambulance
standing by for Stephanie,
371
00:12:19,025 --> 00:12:21,001
and Janeane is gonna fill in.
372
00:12:21,026 --> 00:12:24,040
Janeane, I'm gonna need you to
plug Stephanie's makeup line.
373
00:12:24,065 --> 00:12:25,099
It's called Rouge.
374
00:12:25,124 --> 00:12:26,393
Sure.
375
00:12:26,610 --> 00:12:29,212
Ugh, that burned face wore me out!
376
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:31,320
I'm gonna go vape. Excuse.
377
00:12:32,379 --> 00:12:34,980
Don't you have some faces
you need to burn off?
378
00:12:36,562 --> 00:12:38,604
Anyway, we're so excited
to have you here, Janeane.
379
00:12:38,629 --> 00:12:40,039
Thank you. I'm happy to be here,
380
00:12:40,064 --> 00:12:42,274
but I'm not entirely comfortable
plugging that makeup line.
381
00:12:42,299 --> 00:12:44,001
I know I said I would do
it, but it's not mine,
382
00:12:44,026 --> 00:12:46,128
and I don't know
anything about it really.
383
00:12:46,470 --> 00:12:47,738
It's okay. We would love you
384
00:12:47,770 --> 00:12:49,119
to do something that
Stephanie was gonna do.
385
00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:50,607
She was gonna stand up on the desk
386
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:51,738
and flash her boobies,
387
00:12:51,763 --> 00:12:53,497
you know, like Drew
Barrymore did with Letterman.
388
00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:55,107
- So if you just wanted to...
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
389
00:12:55,132 --> 00:12:56,382
- Just one.
- No, no.
390
00:12:56,407 --> 00:12:58,344
They're both horrible.
I could not do that.
391
00:12:58,607 --> 00:13:00,843
Can I just do some comedy or
some stand-up or something?
392
00:13:00,868 --> 00:13:02,927
Oh, pfft, comedy.
393
00:13:02,952 --> 00:13:05,155
Yeah, Jimmy... Jimmy
doesn't love comedy.
394
00:13:05,180 --> 00:13:06,182
But it's a comedy show.
395
00:13:06,207 --> 00:13:07,726
- Is it?
- Intermittently.
396
00:13:07,751 --> 00:13:08,993
- But actually...
- you know, actually,
397
00:13:09,018 --> 00:13:10,346
a lot of people don't think I'm funny.
398
00:13:10,371 --> 00:13:12,736
And I could just sort of
make conversationally...
399
00:13:12,761 --> 00:13:14,758
My neighbors don't
break down their boxes.
400
00:13:14,783 --> 00:13:16,025
I mean, this isn't a joke,
401
00:13:16,050 --> 00:13:17,676
but I'd like to pretend that it is,
402
00:13:17,701 --> 00:13:19,403
'cause maybe they'll see the show.
403
00:13:19,435 --> 00:13:21,705
Sometimes there's just
Styrofoam peanuts.
404
00:13:21,739 --> 00:13:22,841
And also, the recycling.
405
00:13:22,866 --> 00:13:24,973
Wire hangers in with
the plastic bottles.
406
00:13:24,998 --> 00:13:26,155
It's... it's a fool's errand.
407
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,841
And I just think it's poor citizenship.
408
00:13:27,866 --> 00:13:29,914
Plus, I don't want
Zoltan to think it's me.
409
00:13:29,947 --> 00:13:31,579
Zoltan is a maintenance
man in my building
410
00:13:31,604 --> 00:13:33,074
from Transylvania.
411
00:13:33,099 --> 00:13:34,493
People are from Transylvania.
412
00:13:34,518 --> 00:13:36,254
In fact, a lot of the maintenance
men in my building.
413
00:13:36,279 --> 00:13:39,082
It's a real, I guess,
who-you-know kind of thing.
414
00:13:39,107 --> 00:13:41,267
Our audience, I don't
think, is really gonna relate
415
00:13:41,292 --> 00:13:43,466
to a building and a maintenance man.
416
00:13:43,491 --> 00:13:46,028
Not relate to people
who Airbnb illegally
417
00:13:46,053 --> 00:13:47,137
also on your floor?
418
00:13:47,162 --> 00:13:48,498
They're not gonna relate to that?
419
00:13:48,531 --> 00:13:50,533
And also, that asshole who Airbnbs,
420
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:52,903
one of those Airbnbers
stole his steak knives.
421
00:13:52,935 --> 00:13:55,005
Then he blames the maintenance guys.
422
00:13:55,039 --> 00:13:57,320
And, you know, they're
from Transylvania.
423
00:13:57,345 --> 00:13:58,676
- I said that already.
- This isn't...
424
00:13:58,708 --> 00:14:00,410
They didn't come all the
way from Transylvania
425
00:14:00,443 --> 00:14:02,012
in the hold of a cargo
ship covered in earth
426
00:14:02,045 --> 00:14:03,445
to take this kind of abuse.
427
00:14:03,470 --> 00:14:06,317
All right, you know what? I have
an idea. Why don't we play a game?
428
00:14:06,350 --> 00:14:07,748
Jimmy loves to play games with girls.
429
00:14:07,773 --> 00:14:08,773
Okay, what kinda game?
430
00:14:08,798 --> 00:14:09,983
Have you ever seen us
play Jimmy Cricket?
431
00:14:10,008 --> 00:14:12,530
Yes, yes, is that the
one... You ask him...
432
00:14:12,555 --> 00:14:13,990
You ask Jimmy sports questions,
433
00:14:14,015 --> 00:14:15,272
and every time he gets something wrong,
434
00:14:15,297 --> 00:14:17,148
you get to smack his butt with a paddle.
435
00:14:17,173 --> 00:14:19,140
Why is it called Jiminy...
436
00:14:19,165 --> 00:14:20,865
It's Jimmy Cricket, because of the...
437
00:14:20,898 --> 00:14:22,033
Right, but it's "Jiminy."
438
00:14:22,066 --> 00:14:23,701
Well, there... hence the joke.
439
00:14:23,733 --> 00:14:25,068
And his name's Jimmy.
All right, I got it.
440
00:14:25,101 --> 00:14:26,736
Maybe I could just talk about...
441
00:14:26,770 --> 00:14:28,405
I think it's rude when people...
442
00:14:28,438 --> 00:14:29,891
Fire trucks are loud, I understand that.
443
00:14:29,916 --> 00:14:31,808
We all understand that,
but I think it's not nice
444
00:14:31,842 --> 00:14:34,351
when people hold their
ears when sirens go by,
445
00:14:34,376 --> 00:14:35,545
because somebody's in danger.
446
00:14:35,578 --> 00:14:37,704
It seems arrogant, and, you know,
447
00:14:37,729 --> 00:14:40,416
it's were... we're all in this
together, and I just... I just...
448
00:14:40,441 --> 00:14:41,698
You know what it reminds me of,
449
00:14:41,723 --> 00:14:43,230
when people do this in fire trucks?
450
00:14:43,255 --> 00:14:45,923
It reminds me of those who
drink their tea two-handed
451
00:14:45,956 --> 00:14:47,216
in an oversized mug,
452
00:14:47,241 --> 00:14:49,493
usually with their
sleeves pulled like this.
453
00:14:49,525 --> 00:14:50,741
And it's like, "I'm so cold."
454
00:14:50,766 --> 00:14:52,147
Hello, team.
455
00:14:52,172 --> 00:14:54,844
Okay, guys, I'm here
to check in on the stats
456
00:14:54,869 --> 00:14:56,408
of the second vid,
457
00:14:56,433 --> 00:14:57,967
and I wanted to discuss the third vid.
458
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,743
I think it should be a trilogy,
like in "The Lord of..."
459
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:02,182
Penny, Penny, some guy in
Cuba just posted a video.
460
00:15:02,207 --> 00:15:04,050
He's pulling out, like, a
three-inch piece of ear wax,
461
00:15:04,075 --> 00:15:05,184
17 years old.
462
00:15:05,209 --> 00:15:07,770
He is killing the Internet right now.
463
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,677
- But...
- So we're done, Pen.
464
00:15:09,702 --> 00:15:11,349
What about me?
465
00:15:11,374 --> 00:15:14,288
You had 15 minutes, and
now we've moved on, but...
466
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:16,891
No, the Internet loves me. I
have so much more to offer.
467
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,150
- I'm willing to have anything...
- The Internet moves fast.
468
00:15:18,175 --> 00:15:19,353
Extracted from my body.
469
00:15:19,378 --> 00:15:21,775
Wait, guys, have I shown
you the ingrown hair
470
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:22,807
on the back of my neck?
471
00:15:22,832 --> 00:15:24,362
I would let one of you squeeze it out.
472
00:15:24,387 --> 00:15:25,715
- Penny, Penny, please...
- Shh-shh!
473
00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:27,530
Inside my left nostril, if you
474
00:15:27,563 --> 00:15:28,953
- get in there close enough...
- Penny...
475
00:15:28,978 --> 00:15:31,095
I have a blackhead that's been
there for literally six months...
476
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,104
- No, Penny! Penny, please!
- If you've got a microscope...
477
00:15:33,129 --> 00:15:35,010
That is enough!
478
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,659
You're embarrassing yourself.
479
00:15:36,973 --> 00:15:38,808
I'm sorry to have to
be the one to say it,
480
00:15:38,842 --> 00:15:40,257
but it's over.
481
00:15:40,282 --> 00:15:42,380
You did a great thing here today,
482
00:15:42,413 --> 00:15:44,481
and you were a star, you were.
483
00:15:44,515 --> 00:15:46,263
Look in my eyes and believe that.
484
00:15:46,288 --> 00:15:48,670
- I was a star, I was.
- You were a star.
485
00:15:48,695 --> 00:15:51,132
You were the world's
darling for a few minutes,
486
00:15:51,157 --> 00:15:52,859
and now you're nothing again.
487
00:15:52,884 --> 00:15:54,419
You tasted something sweet
488
00:15:54,444 --> 00:15:56,445
that we should have never let you taste,
489
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,895
and now nothing will be good again.
490
00:15:58,928 --> 00:16:00,528
But that's reality, kid.
491
00:16:00,553 --> 00:16:02,923
I knew it was too good to be true.
492
00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:07,104
I'm not cut out for this fame.
493
00:16:07,136 --> 00:16:08,938
Unless...
494
00:16:08,972 --> 00:16:11,015
there's something else you can do.
495
00:16:11,486 --> 00:16:13,026
When I hock a loogie,
496
00:16:13,051 --> 00:16:16,086
it kinda looks like Donald Trump.
497
00:16:16,111 --> 00:16:19,482
498
00:16:20,116 --> 00:16:22,752
Hey, Staci, Gigi's not
going out with Jimmy?
499
00:16:22,785 --> 00:16:24,121
No, it's not happening.
500
00:16:24,154 --> 00:16:26,490
Damn. Well, what about
the what's-her-face?
501
00:16:26,523 --> 00:16:28,092
Well, that's just it. Her
face got burned off.
502
00:16:28,125 --> 00:16:30,126
She's in an ambulance on
the way to the hospital.
503
00:16:30,159 --> 00:16:32,037
- Is it bad?
- Remember the Nazis
504
00:16:32,062 --> 00:16:33,664
at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark"?
505
00:16:33,697 --> 00:16:36,115
The melting faces thing? Yeah,
Jimmy's not into that.
506
00:16:36,140 --> 00:16:38,702
All right, uh, I'll tell Jimmy
that you failed him then.
507
00:16:38,735 --> 00:16:40,104
No, no, no, don't you
tell Jimmy anything.
508
00:16:40,136 --> 00:16:41,304
I'm gonna fix this.
509
00:16:41,329 --> 00:16:48,002
510
00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:50,490
Oh, Jesus Seriously, again?
511
00:16:50,515 --> 00:16:51,636
Well, it's free.
512
00:16:51,661 --> 00:16:53,082
Listen to me, it is your fault
513
00:16:53,107 --> 00:16:55,191
that Stephanie March is not
going out with Jimmy tonight.
514
00:16:55,216 --> 00:16:56,784
So you need to entertain him.
515
00:16:56,809 --> 00:16:58,612
Oh, but it's not my turn tonight.
516
00:16:58,637 --> 00:17:00,672
I entertained him this morning.
517
00:17:00,923 --> 00:17:02,472
Listen to me. [chuckles]
518
00:17:02,497 --> 00:17:03,575
You don't play with Jimmy tonight,
519
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,535
I'm gonna tell every publicist in town
520
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,396
that you get your makeup
base from Chernobyl.
521
00:17:08,765 --> 00:17:11,601
Okay, fine, I'll do it.
522
00:17:11,634 --> 00:17:12,631
Good!
523
00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:15,185
You are ruthless, like a mobster.
524
00:17:16,005 --> 00:17:17,359
Makes me homesick.
525
00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:21,189
Excuse me, how hard am
I allowed to hit Jimmy?
526
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:22,892
Well, I usually hit him as hard as I can
527
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:24,410
until he says his safe word.
528
00:17:24,747 --> 00:17:26,456
- What's his safe word?
- Stop.
529
00:17:26,481 --> 00:17:28,727
- Stop?
- Much like this show,
530
00:17:28,752 --> 00:17:30,654
Jimmy doesn't put a
lot of effort into it.
531
00:17:30,687 --> 00:17:32,806
Understood. I'll see you out there.
532
00:17:32,831 --> 00:17:34,423
Okay.
533
00:17:35,124 --> 00:17:36,573
She's gonna kill him.
534
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:37,708
535
00:17:37,733 --> 00:17:39,694
[cheers and applause]
536
00:17:40,134 --> 00:17:42,390
Hey, Gigi, can I grab that
mic from you real quick?
537
00:17:42,415 --> 00:17:43,430
Yeah, sure.
538
00:17:43,455 --> 00:17:44,790
You were really great
on the show tonight.
539
00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:46,782
- Oh, thank you, Mr. Audio.
- Did you have fun?
540
00:17:46,807 --> 00:17:48,768
- Did you have fun?
- Yeah, it was fun.
541
00:17:48,793 --> 00:17:50,629
Sorry. Caught in your hair.
542
00:17:50,927 --> 00:17:52,130
You have really nice hair.
543
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:53,380
Anybody ever tell you that?
544
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:54,906
[chuckles] Yeah, thank you.
545
00:17:54,931 --> 00:17:56,272
Sorry, I got it in your eye.
546
00:17:56,297 --> 00:17:57,823
No worries. I like your hair too.
547
00:17:57,848 --> 00:17:59,632
- It's cute, the curls.
- Thanks.
548
00:17:59,657 --> 00:18:02,707
So you, uh, you turned
Jimmy down, right?
549
00:18:02,732 --> 00:18:03,907
- Yes.
- Yeah.
550
00:18:03,932 --> 00:18:05,366
Well, I'm free tonight,
551
00:18:05,391 --> 00:18:08,528
if you maybe wanted to
get food or something.
552
00:18:08,553 --> 00:18:10,223
Yeah, let's do it.
553
00:18:10,248 --> 00:18:13,037
Uh, I didn't think you'd say that, um...
554
00:18:13,062 --> 00:18:14,858
You need to have more confidence.
555
00:18:14,883 --> 00:18:18,335
Oh, I'm Jewish, so,
uh, it's not natural.
556
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:23,455
But yeah, so, um, I know,
like, a good Indian place.
557
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,383
Oh, you know what,
if I have Indian food,
558
00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:27,306
I'll be shitting all night,
so probably not.
559
00:18:27,331 --> 00:18:29,681
Yeah, let's not do that. Chinese?
560
00:18:29,706 --> 00:18:31,374
Um, nah.
561
00:18:31,399 --> 00:18:33,402
No, okay. Uh, sushi?
562
00:18:33,427 --> 00:18:34,895
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
563
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:36,334
- Let's do it.
- Cool.
564
00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:39,154
I'm just a little short
on cash at the moment.
565
00:18:39,179 --> 00:18:41,224
Typical man. Let's go.
566
00:18:41,817 --> 00:18:46,817
-- Sync and corrections by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
567
00:18:46,867 --> 00:18:51,417
Repair and Synchronization by
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