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[energetic brass music]
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I was going for a younger,
sexier, Vincent Price.
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Okay, shut it.
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As much as I'd love to talk about
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our wonderful show tonight...
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[sighs] Whoopi Goldberg, Denis Leary,
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the amazing ventriloquist,
Jonathan Geffner,
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I actually have something very serious
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and pressing and somewhat
urgent to discuss.
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- You finally got laid?
- [laughter]
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- [laughs mockingly]
- There's been an outbreak.
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How serious of an outbreak?
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'Cause if it gets bad,
I do have cyanide pills
15
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in my desk drawer. They are chewable,
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Very hard to find on the deep web.
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Absolutely it sounds extreme,
but it is the cleanest
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- and easiest way to die.
- Okay.
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Everybody can kill
themselves during hiatus.
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The reason I look a little glum
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is because we have a lice outbreak.
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[all groaning] All right, all right!
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It's not Ebola!
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[exhales] But you all
need to be treated.
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Well, you might want to
start off with Marcus
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because his children had lice all week.
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- You bitch!
- Dude!
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- What?
- That was a secret.
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- Marcus, patient zero!
- How dare you!
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Don't worry, the Lice Fairy is here.
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Excuse me? What did you call me?
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The Jamaican ladies to
treat all of our scalps!
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Oh, gotcha.
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Um, I've had two very bad experiences
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with Jamaican ladies touching me.
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This place is disgusting.
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I'd always knew I'd end up
getting something working here.
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Which is why we all need to be treated.
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All right, I have a time schedule
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of when everyone is going
to visit the Lice Fairy,
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so please see me after.
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Yeah, I think I see one.
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What? Get it.
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Kill him. Kill him!
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- Get it!
- [whimpers]
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[grunting, screaming]
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I got it.
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From Studio 9B
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in the heart of New York City,
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it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."
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Tonight, we're "Makin' Whoopee"
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with Whoopi Goldberg.
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Lovable Masshole Denis Leary.
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Renowned Jewish ventriloquist
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Jonathan Geffner.
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And now, the man who's
number five in the ratings,
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but number one in our hearts,
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here's Jimmy!
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-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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We are in this small, cramped room
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[whispers] Because we have lice
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and nobody can find out about it.
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We need to be quiet.
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Like Anne Frank quiet.
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Yeah, yeah, you got it bad.
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- I knew it.
- You know, if she has it,
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I probably have it 'cause I fell asleep
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in her lap last night watching
"Cupcake Wars."
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- [all aww]
- Boy, that is sweet.
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And how long you all been together for?
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2 years, 1 month, 13 days.
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- Oh. [chuckles]
- Oh, but...
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we're not.. we're not a couple.
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- We don't...
- Oh.
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Hey, you know, when I was a kid,
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um, every time I had lice,
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my dad would soak my head in kerosene.
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I think it may have killed
more than just the lice.
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In your medical opinion,
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uh, that treatment, does it also...
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treat down here?
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My pubes?
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[lively music]
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Oh, my God. It's even
worse than I thought.
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I actually think I look kind of hot.
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I've never felt so tough.
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You all look hideous.
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- This is all your fault.
- Allegedly.
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You guys don't get it.
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We are the fifth-rated
late night talk show.
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People find out we have lice, that's it.
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We're done. We're cancelled.
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You're screwed.
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It kind of looks like we just got back
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from the Caribbean.
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That's it. That's what we're gonna say.
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We just got back from the Caribbean.
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Don't tell Whoopi we have lice.
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I can't wait to get my cornrows.
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I have the perfect
facial structure for it.
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Sorry, Randy.
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And Penny.
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- And Staci.
- I'm good.
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- Ehh...
- I'm cute.
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- [high-pitch] Ehh...
- Pretty.
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[higher-pitched] Ehh...
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No, you can't.
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Because you can't cancel the day of.
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- Because people don't...
- Hey, Staci.
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I don't care! He has to be on the sh...
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Staci!
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Maggie, hold on a second. What, Todd?
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Oh, uh, do you know where
Jimmy's peanut butter is?
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No, I don't know where
Jimmy's peanut butter is.
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Well, okay, well, he told me to ask you
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'cause you know where everything is.
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Maggie, listen to me. I
understand that he's sick,
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but you cannot cancel...
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Maggie!
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[shouts] Maggie!
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- Oh!
- Is Denis Leary sick?
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Well, his manager says he is.
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No! God! Jimmy loves Denis!
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We got to get Denis Leary on the show!
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- I know!
- All right, well,
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Jimmy didn't prepare anything,
'cause, you know
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he can always wing it with Denis, so...
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That's implying he usually does prepare
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- for his interviews?
- No, he doesn't. [laughs]
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So you don't know where
the peanut butter is?
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Oh! Check his bottom drawer!
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Bottom drawer. God, yes!
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Oh, my God, I can feel them hatching.
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Oh, God, the Lice Fairy is still here.
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Ugh!
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Hey, um,
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you... you know where the ventriloquist
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put the puppet thing?
140
00:04:43,086 --> 00:04:45,689
Oh, you mean Ezra?
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He's not technically a puppet,
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he's a dummy and he's
in dressing room number 3.
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- Did you want to meet him?
- No!
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Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
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He doesn't have access to
the whole building, right?
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Oh, well, he is a guest,
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but he's not a person,
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but he lives in a suitcase.
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The suitcase has locks on it, right?
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- So he... he can't get out.
- I don't think so.
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Why?
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[scoffs] No reason.
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It's just, you know, I don't want...
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to surprise him. I don't want him...
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to surprise me.
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You know, it's just one of th...
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Just one of those things.
You know what I mean?
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159
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Oh, Whoopi. Big fan.
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Thanks.
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I think.
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Oh, Whoopi Goldberg, we are so excited
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to have you on the show.
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Okay, so is this
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some sort of... diversity thing?
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To make me feel more comfortable
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being black and everything?
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No, no, no, no, no.
Hashtag BlackLivesMatter.
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Um, no, we were on a company cruise.
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You know that doesn't
make this any less racist?
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Right?
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Can I offer you guys some
freshly-sliced watermelon?
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Don't mind if I do.
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Fresh watermelon, Ms. Whoopi?
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Sure. 'Cause who doesn't
like watermelon?
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Mm-hmm.
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You know, I gotta tell
you, this is really
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making me a little uncomfortable.
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I just feel like maybe "Nightcap"
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is not the place I should be.
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No, no, no, no, no, Whoopi.
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- Please don't walk out.
- I gotta think about this.
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Do you think we could take
the watermelon to my room?
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- Yes!
- A safer environment.
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- Absolutely.
- Yeah. Yeah.
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Let's go.
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I've always felt this show was racist.
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- [strained] Grady!
- I know.
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[exhales sharply]
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Well, this is a pickle.
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Listen to me, if we lose Whoopi...
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we've already lost Denis
Leary because he's sick,
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we're gonna have 40
minutes of a ventriloquist.
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But the ventriloquist is so good.
195
00:06:39,069 --> 00:06:41,905
- Not for 40 minutes.
- [phone dings]
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What? Did you see your reflection?
197
00:06:44,006 --> 00:06:45,775
Whoa. No, no, no.
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00:06:45,809 --> 00:06:48,445
So my friend who works on Denis' show
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00:06:48,477 --> 00:06:52,115
said that Denis is at
work today and looks fine.
200
00:06:52,148 --> 00:06:55,184
- You have a friend?
- She's an online friend.
201
00:06:55,217 --> 00:06:58,854
She says that he also baked
banana bread for the crew.
202
00:06:58,954 --> 00:07:01,290
Asshole! You know what?
203
00:07:01,324 --> 00:07:03,460
I'm gonna go down to Denis Leary's set
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00:07:03,492 --> 00:07:07,196
and I'm gonna grab his flat,
pale, potato eating, Irish ass
205
00:07:07,230 --> 00:07:09,133
and I'm gonna bring it back to our show.
206
00:07:09,165 --> 00:07:12,069
And I'm not talking like this
'cause I got cornrows.
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00:07:12,102 --> 00:07:13,971
208
00:07:16,006 --> 00:07:18,941
[energetic brass music]
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00:07:18,975 --> 00:07:20,410
210
00:07:22,550 --> 00:07:24,909
Jesus. [panting]
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00:07:24,934 --> 00:07:26,824
Let me guess, you're scared of Ezra.
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00:07:26,849 --> 00:07:27,996
I've seen it before.
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00:07:28,085 --> 00:07:29,753
[stammers] Is he drinking coffee?
214
00:07:29,787 --> 00:07:30,955
Oh, it's better for our relationship
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00:07:30,989 --> 00:07:32,724
if I treat him like a person.
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00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:34,626
- Oh.
- Nothing to be scared of.
217
00:07:34,659 --> 00:07:36,761
He's a nice guy. Want to touch him?
218
00:07:36,794 --> 00:07:38,063
Nah, I don't want to touch him.
219
00:07:38,095 --> 00:07:39,898
Hey, it's okay. You can touch me.
220
00:07:39,931 --> 00:07:41,833
I don't mind at all.
221
00:07:41,866 --> 00:07:45,203
- What?
- Hey, where you going?
222
00:07:45,236 --> 00:07:52,176
223
00:07:58,850 --> 00:08:01,787
[retching]
224
00:08:03,661 --> 00:08:05,823
Staci! Are you okay?
225
00:08:05,857 --> 00:08:07,691
Oh, my God, Penny,
what are you doing here?
226
00:08:07,725 --> 00:08:09,861
I thought you might
need emotional support.
227
00:08:09,893 --> 00:08:11,642
You just ran out of there so quickly
228
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:13,864
and my natural instinct
was to follow you.
229
00:08:13,898 --> 00:08:15,700
- Is that wrong?
- No.
230
00:08:15,732 --> 00:08:17,401
Well, yes and no.
231
00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:19,299
Look, I know Denis Leary's trailer
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00:08:19,324 --> 00:08:21,245
is around here somewhere.
I'm trying to find it.
233
00:08:21,270 --> 00:08:22,270
Oh, I know where he is!
234
00:08:22,306 --> 00:08:24,709
My friend told me he's
around the corner.
235
00:08:24,741 --> 00:08:25,910
Go get him, tiger!
236
00:08:25,943 --> 00:08:27,211
Copy that.
237
00:08:27,244 --> 00:08:29,847
You tell them that
the situation's changed.
238
00:08:30,919 --> 00:08:32,394
Oh, fuck. God damn it.
239
00:08:32,419 --> 00:08:33,419
- What?
- Oh, fucking Leary.
240
00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:34,420
- What?
- Oh, my God, look at your hair.
241
00:08:34,421 --> 00:08:35,862
I can't believe you came down here.
242
00:08:35,887 --> 00:08:37,088
Look at your hair.
What are you talking about?
243
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:38,389
This is for a part. What's that for?
244
00:08:38,422 --> 00:08:39,890
- I came down here...
- I'm acting.
245
00:08:39,923 --> 00:08:41,183
- I'm an actor.
- You cancelled on me
246
00:08:41,208 --> 00:08:42,634
the day of the shoot!
247
00:08:42,659 --> 00:08:44,329
Okay, well... well... because I'm sick.
248
00:08:44,361 --> 00:08:46,130
- So, that's...
- Denis, we go way back, man.
249
00:08:46,163 --> 00:08:48,298
You've done the show a million times.
250
00:08:48,331 --> 00:08:51,524
Don't be such a Hollywood
guy, be honest with me.
251
00:08:51,549 --> 00:08:53,937
- Come on, we're...
- Listen, I'm sick, okay?
252
00:08:53,970 --> 00:08:56,388
I'm fuckin' sick and I...
I shouldn't even be
253
00:08:56,413 --> 00:08:57,723
on my own set, but I'm doing it because
254
00:08:57,748 --> 00:08:59,710
I have to be here to... you
know, 'cause it's a budget thing.
255
00:08:59,744 --> 00:09:01,278
So, like I said, if I were you,
256
00:09:01,311 --> 00:09:04,282
- I'd back off.
- What, sweetheart?
257
00:09:04,315 --> 00:09:06,685
I just have your tickets
for tonight's hockey game.
258
00:09:06,718 --> 00:09:09,120
Are you kidding me?
259
00:09:09,152 --> 00:09:11,156
The Bruins-Rangers game?
Tonight at 7:00?
260
00:09:11,189 --> 00:09:13,946
- Can I explain something?
- You mother...
261
00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:14,984
Let me explain something to you,
262
00:09:15,009 --> 00:09:17,395
this... this is... I'm not sick.
263
00:09:17,427 --> 00:09:19,898
I don't... I don't like to
brag about my charity stuff.
264
00:09:19,931 --> 00:09:23,167
So what I'm doing is I'm
taking a couple of sick kids
265
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,202
to the... I am.
266
00:09:25,235 --> 00:09:27,404
I'm taking sick kids to the...
they're not gonna die,
267
00:09:27,437 --> 00:09:29,139
but they're very sick
and... and they're...
268
00:09:29,172 --> 00:09:31,321
you know, their house...
they have lupus.
269
00:09:31,346 --> 00:09:32,741
They can't... They can't have ice cream,
270
00:09:32,766 --> 00:09:34,148
they can't eat hotdogs, it's like...
271
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:35,420
you know what I mean? It's a big thing.
272
00:09:35,445 --> 00:09:37,882
You can't eat pork if you have lupus?
273
00:09:37,915 --> 00:09:39,217
I don't think you can eat...
there's certain things
274
00:09:39,249 --> 00:09:40,451
you can't eat. Yeah.
I mean, I don't know
275
00:09:40,484 --> 00:09:42,119
everything about it, I'm just... Listen,
276
00:09:42,152 --> 00:09:44,089
I don't like to brag about it,
so I said I was sick,
277
00:09:44,122 --> 00:09:45,230
I didn't want to mention sick kids.
278
00:09:45,255 --> 00:09:46,924
All right, so it's at 7:00, okay?
279
00:09:46,957 --> 00:09:48,892
You can still... You
can still do our show
280
00:09:48,926 --> 00:09:51,296
- and make it there by 7:00.
- Yes, but...
281
00:09:51,328 --> 00:09:54,098
there's a... pre-game skate.
282
00:09:54,131 --> 00:09:55,799
- Which is...
- You're gonna skate
283
00:09:55,832 --> 00:09:58,002
- with the lupus kids?
- It's a lupus, uh...
284
00:09:58,035 --> 00:09:59,903
- related skate.
- Okay, you know what, Denis?
285
00:09:59,937 --> 00:10:01,873
- And that's at 6:00.
- You're a grown man.
286
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:04,375
So why don't we just say,
you do the show,
287
00:10:04,408 --> 00:10:05,909
you'll be there by 7:00.
288
00:10:05,942 --> 00:10:07,044
You can bring all the sick kids
289
00:10:07,077 --> 00:10:08,846
with you to the show. Okay?
290
00:10:08,879 --> 00:10:10,881
I... I'm not sure the sick kids
will want to come to the show.
291
00:10:10,914 --> 00:10:12,250
- [stammers]
- All right, well,
292
00:10:12,283 --> 00:10:14,219
you can meet them at the rink.
293
00:10:14,251 --> 00:10:16,754
Please.
294
00:10:16,788 --> 00:10:18,222
- All right, I'll do it.
- You will?
295
00:10:18,255 --> 00:10:19,857
- I'll do it. Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
296
00:10:19,890 --> 00:10:21,259
- All right.
- Oh, my God, you're the best.
297
00:10:21,292 --> 00:10:22,927
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
298
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,896
- If you weren't married...
- All right, if...
299
00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:27,231
Well, I'm very married, so... Yeah.
300
00:10:27,264 --> 00:10:29,299
All right.
301
00:10:29,332 --> 00:10:33,270
"Nightcap" fuckin'
piece of shit that show is.
302
00:10:33,403 --> 00:10:36,307
- I got him.
- Yay, that's such good news.
303
00:10:36,340 --> 00:10:38,877
And I have some good news too.
304
00:10:38,909 --> 00:10:40,812
I got us a ride back to the studio.
305
00:10:40,845 --> 00:10:42,747
[gasps] Oh, my gosh, Penny!
306
00:10:42,779 --> 00:10:45,182
This is so fun.
307
00:10:45,216 --> 00:10:48,052
- Oh!
- And I also got us
308
00:10:48,086 --> 00:10:51,322
an Edible Arrangement to nibble on.
309
00:10:51,355 --> 00:10:54,091
I feel like I'm in a Nora Ephron movie.
310
00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:56,894
[jazzy music]
311
00:10:56,927 --> 00:10:59,697
All set. You are mic'd.
312
00:10:59,730 --> 00:11:01,099
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
313
00:11:01,131 --> 00:11:03,701
- Oh, and I'm not a racist.
- Okay.
314
00:11:03,735 --> 00:11:05,937
Hey, Whoopi! [laughs]
315
00:11:05,970 --> 00:11:08,873
It's Todd. We met on, uh...
316
00:11:08,905 --> 00:11:11,752
I'm Jimmy's friend. Yeah, and producer.
317
00:11:11,777 --> 00:11:13,277
That's sort of accurate.
318
00:11:13,311 --> 00:11:15,913
- Is she all mic'd up?
- Yeah, she's mic'd.
319
00:11:15,947 --> 00:11:18,316
Dude, nice.
320
00:11:18,349 --> 00:11:21,252
Okay, good luck, Whoop.
321
00:11:21,284 --> 00:11:23,320
- Touch that tail.
- Do not touch my nipples.
322
00:11:23,354 --> 00:11:25,056
I always think he's gonna hit me.
323
00:11:25,089 --> 00:11:27,224
Oh, he never does. Uh, hey, Whoops,
324
00:11:27,503 --> 00:11:29,994
would you mind... could you sign my copy
325
00:11:30,027 --> 00:11:31,577
of "Jumpin' Jack Flash"?
326
00:11:31,602 --> 00:11:34,165
It's me and Jimmy's favorite.
We watch it all the time.
327
00:11:34,197 --> 00:11:36,800
- Sure.
- Ah, thank you so much.
328
00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:38,335
- This a bootleg?
- Yeah, I got it
329
00:11:38,369 --> 00:11:40,305
from a Chinese guy down on Canal Street.
330
00:11:40,337 --> 00:11:42,372
- Nice.
- Nice. Yeah, no offense.
331
00:11:42,405 --> 00:11:43,875
- I just...
- No, no, it's cool.
332
00:11:43,908 --> 00:11:45,442
- They don't pay me.
- Yeah, right.
333
00:11:45,475 --> 00:11:48,178
- Cool.
- Ah, cool!
334
00:11:48,211 --> 00:11:51,249
- [sighs]
- So, Todd...
335
00:11:51,282 --> 00:11:53,817
- Yeah?
- What's up with your hair?
336
00:11:53,850 --> 00:11:56,453
- I think we may have lice.
- [chuckles]
337
00:11:56,486 --> 00:11:58,021
- Yeah.
- You're serious?
338
00:11:58,054 --> 00:12:00,157
Yeah, who knows, you know? [grumbles]
339
00:12:00,191 --> 00:12:02,127
- They're all over the place.
- So right now,
340
00:12:02,159 --> 00:12:03,961
while we're talking,
lice could be jumpin'...
341
00:12:03,995 --> 00:12:06,096
- from you to me?
- No! No, no!
342
00:12:06,129 --> 00:12:07,331
I work upstairs with Jimmy.
343
00:12:07,365 --> 00:12:08,899
No, upstairs is totally clean.
344
00:12:08,932 --> 00:12:11,034
Yeah, I'm all good, but
down here is probably
345
00:12:11,067 --> 00:12:14,538
infested with them, so I'm
getting the hell outta here.
346
00:12:14,572 --> 00:12:17,542
[energetic brass music]
347
00:12:17,575 --> 00:12:19,844
348
00:12:19,876 --> 00:12:21,507
Oh, my God, look at you guys.
349
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:22,880
What?
350
00:12:22,913 --> 00:12:24,515
Listen, you go deal with
the ventriloquist,
351
00:12:24,548 --> 00:12:26,040
- I'll deal with Whoopi.
- I'm on it.
352
00:12:26,065 --> 00:12:27,084
- Should we high-five?
- No.
353
00:12:27,118 --> 00:12:28,153
Okay.
354
00:12:28,186 --> 00:12:30,187
355
00:12:30,221 --> 00:12:32,157
- Oh, hey, Todd.
- Hey.
356
00:12:32,190 --> 00:12:34,459
I just met Ezra. He's wonderful.
357
00:12:34,491 --> 00:12:37,461
- Have you met him?
- Yeah, he drinks coffee!
358
00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:39,898
- Can I tell you a secret?
- Yes!
359
00:12:39,931 --> 00:12:41,966
You tell me one, then I'll tell you one.
360
00:12:41,999 --> 00:12:43,433
Nah, that's okay, I just
want to tell you mine.
361
00:12:43,466 --> 00:12:45,803
- Oh.
- I'm afraid of puppets.
362
00:12:45,836 --> 00:12:47,718
- Why?
- You ever see that movie
363
00:12:47,743 --> 00:12:50,040
"Magic" with Anthony Hopkins?
364
00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:51,442
It's one of Jimmy's favorite movies.
365
00:12:51,475 --> 00:12:53,110
He brings me over all
the time to watch it.
366
00:12:53,144 --> 00:12:55,212
- Does he know you're afraid?
- Yes!
367
00:12:55,245 --> 00:12:56,899
- Do you cry?
- Yes!
368
00:12:56,924 --> 00:12:59,117
Wait, Jimmy thinks it's
funny when you cry?
369
00:12:59,149 --> 00:13:01,218
Yeah, I make him laugh, you know?
370
00:13:01,251 --> 00:13:03,453
I am to him what he is to America.
371
00:13:03,486 --> 00:13:05,155
You know, Todd, I used to have
372
00:13:05,188 --> 00:13:07,125
a debilitating fear of goats
373
00:13:07,158 --> 00:13:08,893
all throughout my childhood.
374
00:13:08,926 --> 00:13:10,161
It was bad.
375
00:13:10,193 --> 00:13:12,462
So I finally tried immersion therapy.
376
00:13:12,495 --> 00:13:16,266
My mom locked me in a
pen with goats overnight.
377
00:13:16,299 --> 00:13:18,101
You know, just me and the goats?
378
00:13:18,134 --> 00:13:19,571
It worked.
379
00:13:19,604 --> 00:13:22,473
I woke up the next day and
I wasn't afraid of goats,
380
00:13:22,505 --> 00:13:25,009
and I finally saw them
for what they are.
381
00:13:25,042 --> 00:13:26,911
- Goats?
- Yeah.
382
00:13:26,943 --> 00:13:30,943
Not evil, horned monster creatures.
383
00:13:31,081 --> 00:13:33,985
Just goats.
384
00:13:34,018 --> 00:13:36,187
[giggles]
385
00:13:36,220 --> 00:13:38,335
Hey, have you seen
Jimmy's peanut butter?
386
00:13:39,624 --> 00:13:41,926
Um... no, I haven't.
387
00:13:41,958 --> 00:13:43,427
[clicks tongue]
388
00:13:46,397 --> 00:13:49,200
389
00:13:49,232 --> 00:13:50,934
That's fine. I'll call Kerry Washington
390
00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:53,103
I don't give a shit.
What are you doing here?
391
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:56,373
Hmm, well, I was meditating,
392
00:13:56,407 --> 00:13:59,631
but I also figured that you'd
like an update on Whoopi.
393
00:14:00,044 --> 00:14:01,612
What is she doing? Is she still here?
394
00:14:01,645 --> 00:14:03,247
Oh, well, she's asking questions,
395
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,515
but I did my best to keep her here
396
00:14:05,548 --> 00:14:07,451
- and, uh...
- All right, guys, listen to me,
397
00:14:07,485 --> 00:14:09,620
this is... this is probably
the biggest thing
398
00:14:09,653 --> 00:14:11,956
I've had to face thus far in my career.
399
00:14:11,989 --> 00:14:14,773
Do we want to be known as a racist show
400
00:14:14,798 --> 00:14:16,789
or a show that's gonna be know for
401
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,028
having a lice infestation?
402
00:14:18,062 --> 00:14:20,298
Okay, but we deal with celebrities
403
00:14:20,331 --> 00:14:22,456
and celebrities are whores...
we all know that,
404
00:14:22,481 --> 00:14:23,634
and we all know, very well,
405
00:14:23,668 --> 00:14:25,370
that when it comes to self-promotion,
406
00:14:25,403 --> 00:14:27,437
people can look beyond
racism in a heartbeat.
407
00:14:27,471 --> 00:14:29,307
Okay, on the count of three,
408
00:14:29,340 --> 00:14:31,175
you say which you think is worse.
409
00:14:31,207 --> 00:14:33,543
Racism or lice infestation.
410
00:14:33,576 --> 00:14:34,979
Are you ready?
411
00:14:35,011 --> 00:14:36,958
One, two, three.
412
00:14:36,983 --> 00:14:38,048
- Lice.
- Strep throat.
413
00:14:38,081 --> 00:14:39,149
Strep throat?
414
00:14:39,174 --> 00:14:41,013
Um, I think I'm getting it.
415
00:14:41,939 --> 00:14:43,455
It's also contagious.
416
00:14:46,758 --> 00:14:50,073
- That's a tough call.
- Uh, excuse me, white devils.
417
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:52,061
What is this I hear about
the "Nightcap" staff
418
00:14:52,086 --> 00:14:55,078
- being racist now?
- Jesus, word travels fast.
419
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:56,187
I'm a publicist.
420
00:14:56,212 --> 00:14:57,627
I'm the one that word travels to;
421
00:14:57,652 --> 00:14:59,837
and, yes, it travels
fast because I'm good.
422
00:14:59,870 --> 00:15:03,507
I'm also black. Did you
know I was black, Staci?
423
00:15:03,841 --> 00:15:05,243
I knew you were a publicist.
424
00:15:05,275 --> 00:15:07,011
Don't get cute with me now.
425
00:15:07,044 --> 00:15:08,880
Is that what these ridiculous
cornrows are about?
426
00:15:08,913 --> 00:15:10,248
No, no, no.
427
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:11,915
We went on a vacation in
the Caribbean and we...
428
00:15:11,949 --> 00:15:13,918
When did you go on a
vacation to the Caribbean?
429
00:15:13,950 --> 00:15:15,144
You look whiter than ever.
430
00:15:15,169 --> 00:15:17,889
Do you ever want another
black person on this show?
431
00:15:17,921 --> 00:15:20,958
Lupita Nyong'o, Jamie Foxx, Al Roker.
432
00:15:20,992 --> 00:15:23,361
- I don't want Al Roker.
- Nobody wants Al Roker.
433
00:15:23,394 --> 00:15:24,863
Malik, why are you here?
434
00:15:24,896 --> 00:15:26,463
You don't even have
a client on the show.
435
00:15:26,497 --> 00:15:27,966
I heard that Whoopi
was on the show tonight
436
00:15:27,998 --> 00:15:29,799
and she needs a new publicist.
437
00:15:29,833 --> 00:15:31,301
So you need to take me over there.
438
00:15:31,334 --> 00:15:33,370
I will take you over
to Whoopi right now,
439
00:15:33,404 --> 00:15:35,529
but you have to promise
that you won't tell anybody
440
00:15:35,554 --> 00:15:37,307
this is a racist show...
441
00:15:37,341 --> 00:15:38,977
or that we have lice.
442
00:15:39,010 --> 00:15:41,179
You have lice?
443
00:15:41,212 --> 00:15:44,381
No.
444
00:15:44,415 --> 00:15:46,483
- Deal.
- Deal.
445
00:15:46,516 --> 00:15:49,087
446
00:16:00,897 --> 00:16:03,435
Sup, bro?
447
00:16:03,468 --> 00:16:05,270
I'm Todd.
448
00:16:05,302 --> 00:16:08,172
Ezra, right?
449
00:16:08,205 --> 00:16:10,374
Just gonna chill real quick.
450
00:16:10,407 --> 00:16:11,676
Is that cool?
451
00:16:15,847 --> 00:16:18,016
You like coffee, right?
452
00:16:18,049 --> 00:16:21,319
Yeah, I can get you some coffee there.
453
00:16:21,352 --> 00:16:22,887
[chuckles]
454
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:24,756
I'll have some too.
455
00:16:24,789 --> 00:16:27,159
There we go.
456
00:16:32,029 --> 00:16:34,932
Coffee actually does make
it feel more normal here.
457
00:16:39,604 --> 00:16:40,639
Whoa-ho-ho.
458
00:16:42,706 --> 00:16:45,943
Oh. Okay.
459
00:16:45,976 --> 00:16:47,711
Oh, look at these guns.
460
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:49,581
Ho-ho-ho! Look at the guns.
461
00:16:49,614 --> 00:16:52,050
Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.
462
00:16:52,082 --> 00:16:53,918
Oh, I sp... Oh.
463
00:16:53,951 --> 00:16:56,922
Oh, boy. Oh, jeez.
464
00:16:56,955 --> 00:16:58,597
I'll get that off for you.
465
00:16:58,622 --> 00:17:00,125
I'll get you off.
466
00:17:00,157 --> 00:17:02,226
Hey, what are you doing?
467
00:17:02,259 --> 00:17:04,360
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, man.
468
00:17:04,385 --> 00:17:05,596
Wait, wait, hold it.
469
00:17:05,630 --> 00:17:07,632
I told you you could touch
him, but not like that.
470
00:17:07,664 --> 00:17:09,800
This dummy is only 12 years old.
471
00:17:09,834 --> 00:17:11,269
What? Oh, what?
472
00:17:11,301 --> 00:17:12,737
No, no, no. I wasn't touching his dick.
473
00:17:12,762 --> 00:17:14,939
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get out of here.
474
00:17:14,972 --> 00:17:17,154
- People like you disgust me.
- What?
475
00:17:17,179 --> 00:17:19,200
People like... I was
trying to be social.
476
00:17:19,225 --> 00:17:20,878
- Your dummy's antisocial.
- "Social."
477
00:17:20,912 --> 00:17:21,912
Nice euphemism.
478
00:17:21,913 --> 00:17:23,714
I'm a good man.
479
00:17:23,748 --> 00:17:26,684
480
00:17:26,718 --> 00:17:27,885
- [knocking on door]
- Yeah?
481
00:17:27,919 --> 00:17:29,054
Whoopi? Ms. Goldberg?
482
00:17:29,086 --> 00:17:30,855
Hi. Hi.
483
00:17:30,887 --> 00:17:32,823
I just wanted to come in and
brief you on your interview,
484
00:17:32,856 --> 00:17:34,759
but before I do that,
I want to introduce you...
485
00:17:34,791 --> 00:17:36,078
Is this to prove to me
486
00:17:36,103 --> 00:17:37,698
you know black people
and have black friends?
487
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:38,723
Oh, no, no, no, no.
488
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:39,725
We're not friends.
489
00:17:39,742 --> 00:17:41,454
I'm Malik Walker, publicist.
490
00:17:41,479 --> 00:17:42,734
We met at the Met Ball.
491
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:43,767
Six years ago.
492
00:17:43,767 --> 00:17:45,971
Okay, I only want to talk to you.
493
00:17:46,003 --> 00:17:48,105
- Me?
- You.
494
00:17:48,138 --> 00:17:51,709
Okay, well, I'm just going to
leave my card right here.
495
00:17:51,742 --> 00:17:52,910
We'll be in touch.
496
00:17:55,078 --> 00:17:56,078
[clears throat]
497
00:17:57,536 --> 00:17:59,384
[sighs] Look...
498
00:17:59,416 --> 00:18:02,470
I don't know how to even
begin this conversation.
499
00:18:02,495 --> 00:18:05,089
When I came in, everybody had
those, you know, cornrows
500
00:18:05,123 --> 00:18:08,230
in their hair and I was
feeling really uncomfortable
501
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:09,618
and, you know, looking
around and thinking,
502
00:18:09,643 --> 00:18:11,069
"What, are you making fun of me?"
503
00:18:11,094 --> 00:18:12,895
'Cause you couldn't get it
together with the dreads
504
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,107
so you got cornrows?
505
00:18:14,132 --> 00:18:15,132
You got me the watermelon.
506
00:18:15,143 --> 00:18:16,234
It's a whole thing.
507
00:18:16,259 --> 00:18:18,670
But then this guy comes in
508
00:18:18,702 --> 00:18:21,636
and tells me that you
have a lice infestation.
509
00:18:21,661 --> 00:18:24,742
A lice infestation.
510
00:18:24,776 --> 00:18:26,411
What the hell?
511
00:18:26,443 --> 00:18:27,745
That is the most disgust...
512
00:18:27,778 --> 00:18:29,180
it's the nastiest.
513
00:18:29,212 --> 00:18:30,514
It's like...
514
00:18:30,539 --> 00:18:32,592
It's like coochie juice on the chair.
515
00:18:32,617 --> 00:18:33,617
Tell me honestly. I just...I just...
516
00:18:33,618 --> 00:18:35,901
want somebody to talk to me honestly.
517
00:18:35,987 --> 00:18:38,614
Are you racist, or do you have
518
00:18:38,639 --> 00:18:41,196
a lice infestation here?
519
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:42,941
I can't say it any clearer.
520
00:18:42,966 --> 00:18:44,828
Oh, okay.
521
00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:47,666
We...
522
00:18:47,699 --> 00:18:51,436
We're... we're...
523
00:18:51,469 --> 00:18:55,805
Rrr...
524
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:57,049
Racist.
525
00:18:57,074 --> 00:18:58,143
[gasps]
526
00:18:58,175 --> 00:18:59,443
- Yes!
- Oh!
527
00:18:59,477 --> 00:19:01,082
Oh, my God.
528
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:02,390
I can't believe you
529
00:19:02,415 --> 00:19:03,682
were so honest with me.
530
00:19:03,714 --> 00:19:05,952
You know, I work in television,
531
00:19:05,977 --> 00:19:07,985
and no one ever tells you the truth.
532
00:19:08,019 --> 00:19:09,820
You know, you get these big networks
533
00:19:09,854 --> 00:19:11,690
and they know what they are,
534
00:19:11,722 --> 00:19:14,125
and they pretend they're
not, but you know.
535
00:19:14,157 --> 00:19:16,360
I just love that you're honest.
536
00:19:16,394 --> 00:19:17,996
As matter of fact,
537
00:19:18,028 --> 00:19:19,028
it's blowing my mind.
538
00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:21,365
And I think I would like
to make "Nightcap"
539
00:19:21,398 --> 00:19:24,334
someplace I come, you
know, whenever I have
540
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:25,688
something I need to do.
541
00:19:25,713 --> 00:19:27,271
I got to tell you something.
542
00:19:27,305 --> 00:19:29,274
I like being racist.
543
00:19:29,307 --> 00:19:32,711
544
00:19:32,743 --> 00:19:34,909
- Penny.
- [gasps] Staci.
545
00:19:34,934 --> 00:19:36,431
I have been looking everywhere for you.
546
00:19:36,456 --> 00:19:37,889
Listen, the lice story didn't break.
547
00:19:37,914 --> 00:19:40,643
Whoopi thinks we're
racist, which is so cool,
548
00:19:40,668 --> 00:19:41,668
so it's going to be a great show.
549
00:19:41,668 --> 00:19:42,668
Um, no, it's not.
550
00:19:42,668 --> 00:19:44,782
I just got off the phone
with Dennis Leary's manager,
551
00:19:44,807 --> 00:19:46,090
and he's not coming tonight.
552
00:19:46,124 --> 00:19:47,491
What?
553
00:19:47,525 --> 00:19:49,894
He says you gave him lice.
554
00:19:49,926 --> 00:19:51,762
Well, that is on us.
555
00:19:51,796 --> 00:19:54,186
All right, tell the
ventriloquist and that dummy
556
00:19:54,219 --> 00:19:56,128
they have two segments
on the show tonight.
557
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,489
Ezra's going to be so excited.
558
00:19:57,514 --> 00:19:58,937
- He's gonna get a woody.
- What?
559
00:19:58,962 --> 00:20:00,782
A puppet erection.
560
00:20:00,806 --> 00:20:05,806
-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
561
00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:10,406
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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