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1
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Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com
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00:00:02,638 --> 00:00:04,973
Welcome to Dr. P's lab.
3
00:00:04,975 --> 00:00:09,211
Well, this must be important because
you're wearing your stupid science slacks.
4
00:00:10,813 --> 00:00:12,114
Ha, ha!
5
00:00:12,116 --> 00:00:17,185
They are science-themed emoji joggers
and I wear them like a boss.
6
00:00:20,156 --> 00:00:23,058
Anyway, thank you for
being my test subjects.
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I have separated you because...
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Blah, blah, blah, blah. Science experiment.
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When do we get to eat the cake?
10
00:00:29,298 --> 00:00:32,034
After you help me study animal behavior.
11
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Ugh!
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00:00:33,370 --> 00:00:36,204
Identical twins are unique
to the animal kingdom.
13
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You share the same DNA so
you should have the same IQ.
14
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But I am gonna prove that's wrong by
figuring out which one of you is smarter.
15
00:00:44,248 --> 00:00:47,916
Okay, wait, why do people
always want twins to compete?
16
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Yeah, we're both equally smart.
17
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- Oh, I'm smarter. Duh.
- I'm smarter.
18
00:00:55,024 --> 00:00:57,025
In a minute, you will
do the written IQ test.
19
00:00:57,027 --> 00:01:00,662
But first, your challenge is
to see who can slice a cake
20
00:01:00,664 --> 00:01:04,766
into eight pieces using the
fewest cuts. Get to slicing.
21
00:01:08,738 --> 00:01:10,238
- I'm gonna go check on Liv.
- A'ight.
22
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:12,140
Huh?
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00:01:13,843 --> 00:01:17,045
The challenge is to slice a
cake. Why are you making a salad?
24
00:01:17,047 --> 00:01:23,351
Oh, well, you see, my challenge
is to always eat healthy. So...
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Well, I guess Maddie wins this round.
26
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You're supposed to cut it, not maul it!
27
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Oh.
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I definitely stopped
listening after you said cake.
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(Theme music playing)
30
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Better in stereo
31
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B... B... Better
in stereo
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-
I'm up with the sunshine
-
Let's go
33
00:01:49,046 --> 00:01:51,279
-
I lace up my high tops
-
Oh no
34
00:01:51,281 --> 00:01:53,315
Slam dunk, ready or not
35
00:01:53,317 --> 00:01:55,050
Yeah, show me what you got
36
00:01:55,052 --> 00:01:57,285
-
I'm under the spotlight
-
Holler
37
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I dare you, come on and follow
38
00:01:59,490 --> 00:02:01,923
You dance to your own beat
39
00:02:01,925 --> 00:02:03,925
I'll sing the melody
40
00:02:03,927 --> 00:02:06,294
When you
say yea-ah-ah
41
00:02:06,296 --> 00:02:08,396
I say
no-oh-oh
42
00:02:08,398 --> 00:02:10,465
When you say stop
43
00:02:10,467 --> 00:02:13,101
All I want to do is go, go, go
44
00:02:13,103 --> 00:02:16,104
You, you, the other half of me, me
45
00:02:16,106 --> 00:02:18,106
The half I'll never be-e
46
00:02:18,108 --> 00:02:21,476
The half that drives me crazy
47
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You, you, the better half of me, me
48
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The half I'll always need
49
00:02:26,917 --> 00:02:28,483
But we both know
50
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We're better in stereo
51
00:02:34,824 --> 00:02:35,957
Hey, Ruby.
52
00:02:35,959 --> 00:02:37,192
Oh, hey, Joey.
53
00:02:37,194 --> 00:02:38,827
Aw, are you here to see
your favorite cousin?
54
00:02:38,829 --> 00:02:41,429
Or is it because we're
having ribs for lunch?
55
00:02:42,765 --> 00:02:45,433
No, uh, actually, Liv
told me that Jim Breuer
56
00:02:45,435 --> 00:02:46,968
is guest-starring on the show today?
57
00:02:46,970 --> 00:02:49,171
Yeah, I am a huge fan of his.
58
00:02:49,173 --> 00:02:50,805
He is a triple threat, Ruby.
59
00:02:50,807 --> 00:02:53,375
Stand-up, movies, T.V.
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00:02:53,377 --> 00:02:55,477
I mean, I guess he does
comedy and all those things,
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00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:57,546
so maybe he's a single
threat with multiple outlets.
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I'll find him for you.
63
00:03:00,984 --> 00:03:03,218
Which means I'm leaving you unsupervised.
64
00:03:03,220 --> 00:03:05,053
Don't embarrass me.
65
00:03:09,158 --> 00:03:12,294
What? Donut hole pyramid!
66
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Ha, don't mind if I do.
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00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,634
Joey: (Mouth full) Donut hole, yeah!
68
00:03:19,636 --> 00:03:21,236
- Joey!
- Huh?
69
00:03:27,643 --> 00:03:29,344
Pleased to meet you, sir.
70
00:03:29,346 --> 00:03:31,479
Nice to meet you as well.
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Uh, yeah, we don't need to touch.
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Yeah.
73
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Did I say he was my cousin?
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Because I've never met him before.
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Yeah, don't worry about that, Joey.
76
00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:47,649
You're never really a family member until
someone pretends they don't know you.
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Well, Mr. Breuer, I am
such a big fan of yours.
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00:03:51,668 --> 00:03:56,338
Actually, uh, I recently dipped my
toe into the stand-up comedy pool.
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Oh, wow. Well, I hope you didn't
dip it into the shallow end
80
00:03:58,875 --> 00:04:02,043
because that's where the
kids like to do tinkle time.
81
00:04:02,045 --> 00:04:04,813
See, I wanna be able to make
sophisticated jokes just like that one.
82
00:04:06,449 --> 00:04:10,051
My favorite comedian thinks I'm funny.
83
00:04:10,053 --> 00:04:14,256
All that time spent performing at
Quesadilla Joe's has been worth it.
84
00:04:14,258 --> 00:04:16,091
And I've been thinking, after college,
85
00:04:16,093 --> 00:04:18,860
I'm gonna pursue comedy
as a full-time career.
86
00:04:18,862 --> 00:04:22,530
I mean, it's either stand-up
comic or dragon-slayer.
87
00:04:22,532 --> 00:04:26,635
But... that's all about who you know, so.
88
00:04:26,637 --> 00:04:30,472
Hey, you know what? Tonight,
I'm hosting for Open Mic Night
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at The Laugh Palace.
90
00:04:31,608 --> 00:04:33,209
I'm really tight with the owner, Mickey.
91
00:04:33,210 --> 00:04:35,543
So, why don't you come down,
I'll put in a good word,
92
00:04:35,545 --> 00:04:37,412
maybe he'll let you go up on stage.
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Are you serious?
94
00:04:38,949 --> 00:04:42,617
- Yeah.
- Mr. Breuer, that would be amazing!
95
00:04:43,586 --> 00:04:46,921
The Laugh Palace is big time.
96
00:04:46,923 --> 00:04:50,225
Doing stand-up there
can launch your career.
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00:04:50,227 --> 00:04:55,063
Sorry, dragons, but you're gonna
have to find someone else to slay you.
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00:04:56,065 --> 00:04:58,833
Mr. Breuer, I hate to be that guy, but...
99
00:05:00,236 --> 00:05:01,803
Could you do your goat voice for me?
100
00:05:03,272 --> 00:05:04,506
Are you serious?
101
00:05:04,508 --> 00:05:07,575
Be that guy. That guy pays my bills.
102
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(Laughs)
103
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(Bleats) Try it.
104
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(Poorly imitates Jim)
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(Both bleating)
106
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From here. (Bleats)
107
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- (Bleats)
- There you go.
108
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Stop, science man.
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How did the, uh, written IQ test go?
110
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Did, uh, did I win? Am I the smart one?
111
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This isn't like a basketball game, Maddie.
112
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There are no winners or losers. Just
data analysis to prove a hypothesis.
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Yeah, totally get that. Who won, though?
114
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Revealing my results would
compromise my scientific integrity.
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- (Groans)
- And besides,
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you'll just lord it over Liv.
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(Gasps)
118
00:05:50,986 --> 00:05:55,623
Why would I lord it over
Liv unless I'm the smart one!
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Bam! What?
120
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- No, no, no. I didn't say that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
121
00:06:01,031 --> 00:06:03,298
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,
yeah, you cannot backpedal.
122
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:05,500
I'm the smart one and it is out there
123
00:06:05,502 --> 00:06:09,571
like... subatomic particles floating
through the space-time continuum.
124
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Okay! I'm, like, so smart.
125
00:06:13,542 --> 00:06:17,579
Okay, look, you did score higher
than Liv, but you can't tell her.
126
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Okay, yeah. No, I totally
understand, Parker.
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I understand everything.
128
00:06:32,361 --> 00:06:34,028
(Laughs) Mickey!
129
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- Breuer!
- Mickey!
130
00:06:36,099 --> 00:06:37,999
- Breuer!
- Mickey!
131
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Breuer! How long we gonna do this?
132
00:06:42,338 --> 00:06:46,708
Hey. I wanna introduce
you to a very funny kid.
133
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:49,611
I was hoping you would let him
go up for Open Mic Night tonight.
134
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Hi, I'm Joey.
135
00:06:51,214 --> 00:06:53,248
(Exhales) This is it.
136
00:06:53,250 --> 00:06:58,219
This is the exact point in time
where Joey Rooney got his big break.
137
00:06:58,221 --> 00:07:00,088
It's my moment.
138
00:07:00,090 --> 00:07:01,890
No, no.
139
00:07:01,892 --> 00:07:04,192
It's my "Joe-ment."
140
00:07:05,528 --> 00:07:06,628
How old are you, kid?
141
00:07:06,630 --> 00:07:08,029
I'm...
I'm 17.
142
00:07:08,031 --> 00:07:10,098
Ooh, no way.
143
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:12,100
You can't go into the
club, you're too young.
144
00:07:13,102 --> 00:07:15,770
But this is my dream, so...
145
00:07:16,705 --> 00:07:18,473
I'd really like to work something out.
146
00:07:18,475 --> 00:07:20,575
Hey, I got this, Joey.
147
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Come on.
148
00:07:22,412 --> 00:07:23,611
No.
149
00:07:23,613 --> 00:07:25,613
- Oh, come on.
- No.
150
00:07:25,615 --> 00:07:27,315
Come on!
151
00:07:27,317 --> 00:07:28,450
No!
152
00:07:29,452 --> 00:07:31,453
Sorry, Joey, did everything I could.
153
00:07:31,455 --> 00:07:32,787
Yeah.
154
00:07:34,089 --> 00:07:36,491
It's okay.
155
00:07:36,493 --> 00:07:39,661
I'll have another once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity come around real soon.
156
00:07:44,733 --> 00:07:47,035
Oh, Ruby, I am so bummed.
157
00:07:47,970 --> 00:07:49,671
This was my chance.
158
00:07:49,673 --> 00:07:51,773
It was my golden opportunity.
159
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:55,477
But my dream is dead and
there is no fixing it.
160
00:07:55,479 --> 00:07:57,087
- Fixed it.
- What?
161
00:07:57,118 --> 00:08:03,518
Here, I looked up the law and if
they hire you to work in the club,
162
00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,520
you can legally go in and perform.
163
00:08:06,822 --> 00:08:09,858
That's amazing! You just saved my dream.
164
00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:14,128
Oh, I've got another problem.
I sneezed blue yesterday.
165
00:08:14,130 --> 00:08:16,664
So... what's the deal with that?
166
00:08:16,666 --> 00:08:18,533
Um...
167
00:08:20,703 --> 00:08:22,770
Did you put something blue up there?
168
00:08:22,772 --> 00:08:25,240
Uh... Oh, do blue
freezy pops count?
169
00:08:26,642 --> 00:08:28,843
Everything counts when it's up your nose.
170
00:08:38,053 --> 00:08:39,854
(Chuckles weakly)
171
00:08:43,058 --> 00:08:48,229
You know, now that I know that
my IQ is much higher than Liv's,
172
00:08:48,231 --> 00:08:51,232
I really feel like I
have to look out for her.
173
00:08:52,902 --> 00:08:54,903
Or rub it in. I could really go either way.
174
00:08:56,305 --> 00:08:57,705
Hm.
175
00:08:57,707 --> 00:09:00,642
Oh, you poor, poor dear.
176
00:09:00,644 --> 00:09:03,912
Yes, remotes can be very hard.
177
00:09:03,914 --> 00:09:05,947
Let me... help you.
178
00:09:07,716 --> 00:09:08,983
Okay.
179
00:09:08,985 --> 00:09:10,552
- (Music on TV)
- Oh.
180
00:09:12,821 --> 00:09:15,256
What's happening? Why
are you smiling so weird?
181
00:09:16,725 --> 00:09:18,826
What? Mm, no reason.
182
00:09:21,363 --> 00:09:25,533
Okay, well something's definitely up
'cause you've been acting weird all day.
183
00:09:25,535 --> 00:09:28,469
Okay, no, I haven't.
184
00:09:29,838 --> 00:09:32,807
I'll, uh... just leave this laying
here in case you need it later.
185
00:09:34,610 --> 00:09:38,613
Um, so Maddie, that was
grammatically incorrect.
186
00:09:38,615 --> 00:09:41,950
You should actually say I
will leave this lying here.
187
00:09:41,952 --> 00:09:44,886
- So...
- I'm fairly certain
188
00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:47,355
I'm correct on this matter, Olivia.
189
00:09:49,792 --> 00:09:54,762
As they say, there's, um, more
than one way to slice a cake.
190
00:09:56,265 --> 00:10:00,902
Ha, ha! Sophisticated
word play? Oh, Maddie.
191
00:10:00,904 --> 00:10:02,971
You are too much.
192
00:10:04,540 --> 00:10:07,408
Oh, and I know I'm
correct because I, um...
193
00:10:07,410 --> 00:10:10,979
Oh, yeah, I scored higher
than you on the IQ test.
194
00:10:10,981 --> 00:10:13,047
- (Gasps) You didn't!
- I did.
195
00:10:14,783 --> 00:10:16,150
I tricked Parker into telling me.
196
00:10:16,152 --> 00:10:17,885
I outwitted him.
197
00:10:17,887 --> 00:10:19,621
This is something that smart people do.
198
00:10:22,124 --> 00:10:26,260
(Singsongy) One, two, three, four,
Maddie got the highest score.
199
00:10:26,262 --> 00:10:27,895
I'm smarter! Whoo, whoo!
200
00:10:27,897 --> 00:10:29,897
I'm smarter! Whoo, whoo!
201
00:10:29,899 --> 00:10:31,332
I'm smarter, I'm smarter.
202
00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:32,934
I'm smarter, I'm smarter.
203
00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:35,970
I'm smarter. Who's smarter? I'm smarter.
204
00:10:35,972 --> 00:10:38,840
What did you do?
205
00:10:38,842 --> 00:10:41,976
Maddie says that you told her that
she scored higher on the IQ test.
206
00:10:41,978 --> 00:10:44,445
And is that true? Because I really
always thought that I was the smart one.
207
00:10:44,447 --> 00:10:47,247
I mean, not that I was gonna lord
it over her, but tell me I'm smarter!
208
00:10:48,584 --> 00:10:50,952
- Liv, it's just a dumb test.
- Yeah.
209
00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:53,087
And Maddie wasn't even
supposed to say anything.
210
00:10:53,089 --> 00:10:55,156
Especially since I
mixed up the scores and...
211
00:10:55,158 --> 00:10:56,824
(Gasps)
212
00:10:59,695 --> 00:11:04,198
If you mixed up the scores, then
that means that I'm the smart one!
213
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:08,002
I'm so smart, I figured it out!
214
00:11:08,004 --> 00:11:11,506
Please, do not tell Maddie. It will
ruin the integrity of the project.
215
00:11:11,508 --> 00:11:13,341
Ugh, fine. I won't tell her.
216
00:11:14,943 --> 00:11:16,878
(Singsongy) Five, six, seven, eight.
217
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,379
Liv's the smartest, and she's great!
218
00:11:18,381 --> 00:11:21,182
I'm smarter! Whoo, whoo! I'm smarter!
219
00:11:21,184 --> 00:11:24,018
Whoo, whoo! I'm smarter! I'm smarter!
220
00:11:24,020 --> 00:11:26,054
(Sings high note)
221
00:11:26,955 --> 00:11:28,256
And I'm the better singer.
222
00:11:37,399 --> 00:11:39,901
Mickey!
223
00:11:40,903 --> 00:11:43,137
Yeah, we don't have that relationship.
224
00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:46,007
Like I said, you're
too young to get inside.
225
00:11:46,009 --> 00:11:51,045
Oh, actually, Mr. Mickey, I checked,
and I'm allowed in the club
226
00:11:51,047 --> 00:11:53,047
if I'm a paid performer.
227
00:11:53,049 --> 00:11:55,149
But you're not, so beat it.
228
00:11:55,151 --> 00:11:58,019
Just... please, give me a shot?
229
00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:00,021
This is my dream.
230
00:12:00,023 --> 00:12:01,389
Wow.
231
00:12:01,391 --> 00:12:04,058
Kid with a dream, that's interesting.
232
00:12:05,027 --> 00:12:06,327
Still a no.
233
00:12:06,329 --> 00:12:07,729
But it's interesting.
234
00:12:08,664 --> 00:12:11,032
Okay. Please?
235
00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:13,167
I promise you, I'll do a great job.
236
00:12:14,136 --> 00:12:15,937
Look, I just don't think
kids are funny. Okay?
237
00:12:15,939 --> 00:12:20,041
I've got four of my own and not
one of them has ever made me laugh.
238
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:24,011
Not even the skinny one that falls
all the time. It's just so... sad.
239
00:12:26,115 --> 00:12:30,118
Okay, I'm sorry about your
sad kid, but I promise you...
240
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:34,255
I'll do well. Just, please
give me the opportunity.
241
00:12:34,257 --> 00:12:36,958
Look, I hire comics to get laughs.
242
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,793
Okay? Not for school credit.
243
00:12:38,795 --> 00:12:40,261
I'm sorry.
244
00:12:42,131 --> 00:12:45,366
Excuse me, are you the bouncer?
245
00:12:45,368 --> 00:12:49,103
The bouncer? Are you serious? A
kitten could push me out of the way.
246
00:12:49,105 --> 00:12:50,772
(Laughing)
247
00:12:50,774 --> 00:12:53,241
Would tickle me with his
whiskers, that would distract me.
248
00:12:53,243 --> 00:12:54,976
(Laughing)
249
00:12:54,978 --> 00:12:56,911
You're a hoot.
250
00:12:56,913 --> 00:12:58,412
Are you performing tonight?
251
00:12:58,414 --> 00:13:00,882
Oh, thank you but, no, no.
252
00:13:00,884 --> 00:13:03,751
I'm old enough to ride the scary rides,
253
00:13:03,753 --> 00:13:05,820
but not old enough to perform in that club.
254
00:13:06,822 --> 00:13:08,256
I asked, but the owner said no.
255
00:13:08,258 --> 00:13:10,324
Ah, that's too bad.
256
00:13:10,326 --> 00:13:12,059
Yeah, it's okay.
257
00:13:12,061 --> 00:13:13,961
I'm used to hearing a no.
258
00:13:13,963 --> 00:13:18,332
In fact, I expect a no
with... everything that I ask.
259
00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:22,804
Like, "Hey, Mom. Can I buy a
squirrel-monkey on the Internet?"
260
00:13:22,806 --> 00:13:24,005
"No."
261
00:13:24,007 --> 00:13:26,974
"Hey cool kids, can I sit with you?" "No."
262
00:13:28,277 --> 00:13:31,012
Can I abandon everyone
and everything around me
263
00:13:31,014 --> 00:13:33,414
and live in a shack in the middle
of the woods with a bunch of cats?
264
00:13:33,416 --> 00:13:34,982
Sadly, not yet. No.
265
00:13:36,919 --> 00:13:39,987
I realized, I didn't need
to get into that club.
266
00:13:39,989 --> 00:13:45,092
The same people that could laugh
inside, were standing outside.
267
00:13:45,094 --> 00:13:46,994
And I don't even charge a cover.
268
00:13:46,996 --> 00:13:49,430
My "he-he's"
are free-free.
269
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,367
So, uh, I'm almost 18, guys.
270
00:13:53,369 --> 00:13:55,203
Yeah, it's exciting.
271
00:13:55,205 --> 00:13:57,205
Once I'm 18, I'll be halfway to 36.
272
00:13:57,207 --> 00:13:59,106
Yeah.
273
00:13:59,108 --> 00:14:01,676
That may not sound like a monumental age,
274
00:14:01,678 --> 00:14:04,045
but my mom has been
telling people that she's 36
275
00:14:04,047 --> 00:14:05,613
for the past 8 years.
276
00:14:05,615 --> 00:14:07,181
So...
277
00:14:07,183 --> 00:14:08,683
Must be a good age, guys.
278
00:14:08,685 --> 00:14:10,451
It sticks around for a long time.
279
00:14:11,987 --> 00:14:14,856
I'm gonna be able to vote in the
next election, I'm so excited.
280
00:14:14,858 --> 00:14:18,192
I just started doing some research
'cause previously I thought
281
00:14:18,194 --> 00:14:21,529
that you just chose between
an elephant and a donkey.
282
00:14:22,831 --> 00:14:25,967
No, that is not the case, guys.
They actually stand for stuff.
283
00:14:25,969 --> 00:14:29,237
I thought it was like a, "Who would
win in a fight?" sort of situation.
284
00:14:31,173 --> 00:14:33,474
Mickey!
285
00:14:33,476 --> 00:14:35,476
You're not Mickey, where's Mickey?
286
00:14:36,511 --> 00:14:38,012
Joey: Do you guys like impressions?
287
00:14:38,014 --> 00:14:39,480
- Crowd: Yeah.
- Joey: Yeah? Yeah.
288
00:14:39,482 --> 00:14:40,915
Me too.
289
00:14:43,085 --> 00:14:46,254
So, uh... I have a punchable face, guys.
290
00:14:46,256 --> 00:14:49,156
I have this face. It's very
punchable, I've been told.
291
00:14:49,158 --> 00:14:51,192
It's okay, I've come to terms with it.
292
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:54,228
What I mean by that, is that if
I was walking down the street,
293
00:14:54,230 --> 00:14:57,198
and some random guy were to
just punch me in the face,
294
00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,935
I would completely understand.
295
00:15:00,937 --> 00:15:04,772
"I'd be like, 'Oh, no, you're
good, man. I hate it too.'"
296
00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:06,841
Ha, ha!
297
00:15:16,018 --> 00:15:17,118
(Laughs)
298
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,287
Aw, Liv.
299
00:15:20,188 --> 00:15:22,390
Why take on something so complicated?
300
00:15:22,392 --> 00:15:25,293
Let your wiser sister help you.
301
00:15:26,128 --> 00:15:27,628
So sweet, Maddie.
302
00:15:27,630 --> 00:15:31,198
Yeah, you know, the instructions
actually aren't in English.
303
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:33,701
But they are in a language
that you can understand.
304
00:15:33,703 --> 00:15:36,203
(Gasps) Pictures!
305
00:15:37,940 --> 00:15:42,443
I setup an elaborate trap to lure a
patronizing Maddie to her comeuppance.
306
00:15:42,445 --> 00:15:45,746
Cost me $50, but it was worth it.
307
00:15:45,748 --> 00:15:48,015
I also got this light-up pig!
308
00:15:49,751 --> 00:15:51,152
- Pictures?
- Mm-hmm.
309
00:15:51,154 --> 00:15:52,653
Oh, no, no, no.
310
00:15:52,655 --> 00:15:55,389
What are you talking about,
Liv? I'm the smarter one.
311
00:15:55,391 --> 00:15:57,892
Are you, Madison? Are you?
312
00:16:00,162 --> 00:16:03,731
Parker messed up the test results, and
it turns out that I have the higher IQ.
313
00:16:03,733 --> 00:16:06,133
Bam! What?
314
00:16:07,502 --> 00:16:09,403
No.
315
00:16:09,405 --> 00:16:10,972
No.
316
00:16:10,974 --> 00:16:13,908
You are just trying to trick me but
guess what? I'm not gonna fall for it.
317
00:16:13,910 --> 00:16:15,643
'Cause why? I'm more smarter.
318
00:16:19,147 --> 00:16:21,349
(Chuckles) Okay.
319
00:16:21,351 --> 00:16:22,950
I didn't mean to say that.
320
00:16:22,952 --> 00:16:27,521
Uh, what I meant to say is... it is on!
321
00:16:27,523 --> 00:16:29,190
Oh, bring it!
322
00:16:29,192 --> 00:16:30,691
It's gonna be brought!
323
00:16:30,693 --> 00:16:33,094
Which is the proper conjugation!
324
00:16:33,096 --> 00:16:34,929
I cannot believe you.
325
00:16:34,931 --> 00:16:36,263
Oh, you can't believe me?
326
00:16:36,265 --> 00:16:39,100
Or you can't understand
me because I'm so smart?
327
00:16:39,102 --> 00:16:41,002
Oh, yeah, smarty pants.
328
00:16:41,004 --> 00:16:43,671
How many... digits of pi do you know?
329
00:16:43,673 --> 00:16:45,706
More than you!
330
00:16:45,708 --> 00:16:48,175
Both: Three point one
four one five nine...
331
00:16:48,177 --> 00:16:50,511
(Air horn blows)
332
00:16:50,513 --> 00:16:52,313
Well, well, well.
333
00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:55,082
This is even better than
I thought it would be.
334
00:16:56,118 --> 00:16:57,485
Parker?
335
00:16:57,487 --> 00:16:59,553
What are you doing on our TV?
336
00:16:59,555 --> 00:17:04,025
I prefer to think of it
as a secure location.
337
00:17:04,027 --> 00:17:06,227
Okay, why do you need a secure location?
338
00:17:06,229 --> 00:17:09,397
Because you two simple
and predictable rats
339
00:17:09,399 --> 00:17:12,166
took the cheese and proved my hypothesis.
340
00:17:12,168 --> 00:17:14,802
Wait, what are you talking about?
341
00:17:14,804 --> 00:17:18,072
You said that your hypothesis was
that one of us had a higher IQ.
342
00:17:18,074 --> 00:17:20,241
I say a lot of things, girls.
343
00:17:21,576 --> 00:17:23,644
For the record, you
both have very high IQs.
344
00:17:23,646 --> 00:17:26,047
But this was not about your IQs.
345
00:17:26,049 --> 00:17:29,717
The experiment was to see how
animals react to change in status.
346
00:17:29,719 --> 00:17:33,587
It's usually performed with
agitated baboons, but...
347
00:17:33,589 --> 00:17:36,824
the zoo's kind of a far walk
and you two are right here, so.
348
00:17:39,394 --> 00:17:43,097
Blah, blah, blah, blah, science experiment.
So wait, which one of us is smarter?
349
00:17:43,099 --> 00:17:45,066
It's me, girls.
350
00:17:46,368 --> 00:17:48,736
It's always been me.
351
00:17:52,841 --> 00:17:54,575
I'm from Wisconsin.
352
00:17:54,577 --> 00:17:58,212
So many more food choices here in
California than we have in Wisconsin.
353
00:17:58,214 --> 00:18:04,018
Like in Wisconsin, you have fast food
and you have cheese, and you settle.
354
00:18:05,921 --> 00:18:09,223
But here in California, everybody's
trying to get me to try tofu.
355
00:18:09,225 --> 00:18:11,058
Everybody's like, "Oh, you gotta try tofu."
356
00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:12,726
And I'm like, okay,
what does it taste like?
357
00:18:12,728 --> 00:18:15,496
And they're like, "That's
the great part. Nothing."
358
00:18:17,132 --> 00:18:19,200
I'm like, okay, no, thank you.
359
00:18:19,202 --> 00:18:21,035
And they're like, "You don't understand."
360
00:18:21,037 --> 00:18:23,771
It tastes like whatever it's cooked with.
361
00:18:23,773 --> 00:18:26,207
So if we were to cook it with chicken,
362
00:18:26,209 --> 00:18:29,910
it would taste just like the
chicken that we cooked it with.
363
00:18:29,912 --> 00:18:31,712
And I'm like, okay.
364
00:18:31,714 --> 00:18:35,983
Then I will eat the chicken
that you cooked it with.
365
00:18:37,385 --> 00:18:39,353
And you can have the sponge.
366
00:18:41,089 --> 00:18:43,858
He's so funny, I don't
want to pay to go in.
367
00:18:45,494 --> 00:18:47,428
Don't you see? He's killing it!
368
00:18:47,430 --> 00:18:49,063
Give him a chance.
369
00:18:49,065 --> 00:18:50,664
Come on.
370
00:18:51,633 --> 00:18:53,501
Joey: Everybody
in L.A....
371
00:18:53,503 --> 00:18:55,970
Everybody's, like, trying some new diet.
372
00:18:55,972 --> 00:18:58,005
Right, like, uh, Paleo?
373
00:18:58,007 --> 00:18:59,507
Have you guys heard of Paleo?
374
00:18:59,509 --> 00:19:04,912
Yeah, with Paleo, you eat whatever
a caveman could find or prepare.
375
00:19:04,914 --> 00:19:09,083
So if a caveman doesn't eat
the food, you don't eat it.
376
00:19:09,085 --> 00:19:12,353
'Cause everybody wants
to be just like a caveman,
377
00:19:12,355 --> 00:19:15,756
and live to the ripe old age of 27.
378
00:19:18,827 --> 00:19:20,427
Come on!
379
00:19:21,696 --> 00:19:23,931
You're just not gonna stop until I say yes.
380
00:19:23,933 --> 00:19:25,599
Mickey!
381
00:19:27,536 --> 00:19:31,939
Living in the South, that's where
the biggest bugs are in the world.
382
00:19:31,941 --> 00:19:35,809
I wake up, middle of the night, get a
snack, turn on the kitchen light...
383
00:19:35,811 --> 00:19:37,511
They got my dog tied up,
384
00:19:37,513 --> 00:19:41,849
big bug's going, "Turn off the
light. The dog's gonna get it.
385
00:19:41,851 --> 00:19:44,318
Show us where your leftovers are."
386
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:48,389
I'm just... trying to get some milk.
387
00:19:48,391 --> 00:19:51,659
You know when you're driving down the street
and the bugs are smashing on your windshield?
388
00:19:51,661 --> 00:19:55,396
You never deal with it. Not in the
South, these bugs come looking for you
389
00:19:55,398 --> 00:19:57,898
three days later, banging on your door.
390
00:19:57,900 --> 00:19:59,967
Open it up, there's a whole pack of them.
391
00:19:59,969 --> 00:20:02,469
"Hey, is that your car parked over there?
392
00:20:03,738 --> 00:20:05,472
Charlie, is this the guy?"
393
00:20:05,474 --> 00:20:07,508
"Let me look, let me look.
394
00:20:07,510 --> 00:20:11,545
That's him, he just left me there!"
395
00:20:11,547 --> 00:20:13,547
"Come outside for a second.
We want to talk to you.
396
00:20:13,549 --> 00:20:16,317
Bring the leftovers and the dog."
397
00:20:20,222 --> 00:20:23,190
All right, well keep those hands applauding
398
00:20:23,192 --> 00:20:26,694
because we have a new
face to the Laugh Palace.
399
00:20:26,696 --> 00:20:29,997
Please welcome Mr. Joey Rooney.
400
00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:34,768
Hey, how's it going, guys?
401
00:20:34,770 --> 00:20:36,437
- (Scattered responses)
- Yeah!
402
00:20:36,439 --> 00:20:38,872
I just started stand-up fairly recently.
403
00:20:38,874 --> 00:20:42,843
I just got my first hater on social media.
404
00:20:42,845 --> 00:20:46,347
Yeah. It did not take
long for me to get a hater.
405
00:20:48,016 --> 00:20:49,483
It was pretty much instantly.
406
00:20:50,619 --> 00:20:54,355
But I got a message that said, "I
don't care what your mom tells you,
407
00:20:54,357 --> 00:20:56,156
you're not funny."
408
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,828
And I was like, oh, oh.
409
00:21:01,896 --> 00:21:03,831
My dad has figured out social media.
410
00:21:06,368 --> 00:21:08,636
I'm a paid comedian.
411
00:21:08,638 --> 00:21:12,239
And I defeated Mickey,
who's as scary as a dragon.
412
00:21:12,241 --> 00:21:14,141
Guys, I'm living both dreams!
413
00:21:19,381 --> 00:21:20,881
Joey!
414
00:21:22,617 --> 00:21:25,586
You killed it, you did a great job.
I want to see you back here next week.
415
00:21:25,588 --> 00:21:27,454
- I get to come back?
- Yeah.
416
00:21:27,456 --> 00:21:28,989
And go inside?
417
00:21:31,393 --> 00:21:33,127
Thank...
Thank you!
418
00:21:33,129 --> 00:21:37,831
Thank you so much, Mickey, I can't
believe it. I feel so grown up.
419
00:21:38,767 --> 00:21:40,501
I'm a stand-up comedian
420
00:21:40,503 --> 00:21:42,603
I'm a stand-up comedian
421
00:21:42,605 --> 00:21:45,406
I'm a... a stand-up comedian
422
00:21:45,408 --> 00:21:46,473
A-one, two, three, four
423
00:21:46,475 --> 00:21:47,708
I'm a stand-up comedian
424
00:21:49,644 --> 00:21:51,578
- He did great, huh?
- Oh, he killed it.
425
00:21:53,114 --> 00:21:54,715
I did better though, right?
426
00:21:56,117 --> 00:21:58,519
I mean, he's no threat to my career.
427
00:21:59,988 --> 00:22:02,523
Right? Right?
428
00:22:03,858 --> 00:22:05,192
He killed it.
429
00:22:07,595 --> 00:22:09,263
What have I done?
430
00:22:10,198 --> 00:22:11,432
Mick...
431
00:22:13,668 --> 00:22:14,768
(Goat bleats)
432
00:22:14,818 --> 00:22:19,368
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