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Love is like candy on a shelf
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You want to taste and help yourself
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The sweetest things are there for you
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Help yourself, take a few
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That's what I want you to do
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We're always told repeatedly
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The very best in life is free
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And if you want to prove it's true
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Baby, I'm telling you
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This is what you should do
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Just help yourself to my lips, to my arms
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Just say the word and they are yours
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Just help yourself to the love
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ln my heart, your smile has opened up the door
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The greatest wealth that exists in the world
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Can never find what I can give. . .
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Wolsey Manor Hotel, please.
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Hope you've got your credit card. I don't think I'll be needing it.
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Just help yourself
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To my lips, to my arms
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Just say the word and they are yours. . .
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Airport, please.
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Just help yourself to the love in my heart
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Your smile has opened up the door
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The greatest wealth that exists. . .
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So help yourself to my lips, to my arms
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And then let's really start to live
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Just help yourself to my lips
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To my arms, just say the word. . .
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The gentleman said to tell you, ''No hard feelings.''
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Thank you.
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Thank you very much.
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THREE YEARS LATER
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WOMAN: Ready, Beatrice?
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Beatrice? Yes, ready.
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Credits in five, four, three, two. . .
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Roll titles.
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ANNOUNCER: From Dawlish to Dorchester, Warminster to Weymouth,
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Wessex Tonight brings you all the top news stories in the Wessex region.
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Three, two, one. Cue Beatrice.
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Trevor Scott with a little taste of what we can look forward to
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at Sturminster Newton's annuaI festivaI of cheeses.
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Well, I know where I'll be heading off this weekend. How about you, Beatrice?
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You try and stop me, Keith! Now. . .
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Salivating at the thought.
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Just stick to the script, please, Keith.
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And Claude, stop playing with your hair, you look lovely.
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DlRECTOR: And cue Claude.
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Yes, I'll have all the latest netball action, some falconry, would you believe. . .
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Beatrice next on camera one.
51
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..for Commonwealth Games glory!
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Beatrice.
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But first, ''ladybird, ladybird fly away home,
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''your house is on fire, your children are gone.''
55
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But try telling that to the locaI ladybirds and they simply won't believe you.
56
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Yes, the region's farmers are up in arms about a plague of the little critters.
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Keith's very flush tonight. Looks like he's been boiled.
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Can we do something about Keith's face?
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I wish. Standby for VT.
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lsn't there a diaI or something? Can I have silence, please?
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Tony Page is our reporter on the spot.
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Late on the VT there, Don.
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Oh, quiet, please!
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Ladybirds, on the spot?!
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On the spot! Guys, who wrote this script?
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KElTH: Ladybirds, eh? The little rascals.
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BEATRlCE: Oh, and Don, the VT was late.
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Yeah. My fault, sorry Beatrice.
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I love ladybirds. How about you, Bea?
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I have no strong feelings, Keith.
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Talking about ladybirds, what are you doing after the show?.
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Was that a segue, Keith? lf it was, I don't understand it.
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I just thought we might go for a pint somewhere.
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Just you and me. Ooh, I don't think so.
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I know this little place, does a lovely meat pie.
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Oh, well, if there's meat pie.
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Well, I think we could spend some time socialising,
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you know, just me and you.
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And how is Mrs Fleming these days?
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Oh, she couldn't manage a meat pie. Not with her medicaI condition.
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Well, I'm very, very sad to hear that.
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She's wife in name only, I'm afraid.
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Separate bedrooms now.
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(Laughs) You amaze me.
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I just don't like the thought of an attractive, sensuaI woman
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in the prime of life sitting alone night after night.
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Sorry, who are we talking about here, Keith?
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Oh, I think we know who we're talking about.
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Now Hero with the weather.
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The. . .
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Camera two, Don? What?
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Yeah, uh, camera two, yeah.
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Thanks, Beatrice. Well, it's been a lovely day all over the region.
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Not quite bikini weather yet.
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Not unless you're feeling very brave.
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Goodnight. Goodnight.
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Goodnight.
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Three, two, one and off-air.
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OK, thanks very much everyone.
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Keith, quick word. Sweetheart.
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lf you ever touch any part of my body with any part of your body,
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either on air, or off, or even in your imagination,
103
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then I swear I'm. . . (Whispers inaudibly)
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ls that clear?
105
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Nice show, Beatrice, thank you.
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Keith. Mmm?
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I know you like to keep things free and loose,
108
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but please stick to the script.
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Otherwise, you tend to just talk utter, utter rubbish.
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Hero, you alright?
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Fine! Fine.
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Um, I just wanted to say. . .
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..great weather!
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Thank you, Claude.
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Hero, can I just, um, ask you something?
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Go on.
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How come you just know?. What?
118
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The weather, what's going to happen. How can you tell?
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I just read the meteorologicaI reports.
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MeteorologicaI - I have reaI problems with that word.
121
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(Laughs) Meteorological. (Laughs)
122
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Uh. . . precipitation, cumulonimbus,
123
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anemometer, altostratus castellanus. . .
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I tell you, if I don't have my false teeth in properly. . .
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You've got false teeth?
126
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No, no, I was just. . .
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..you know, joking.
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Oh, right, sorry. Sorry.
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I don't always spot them, jokes.
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No, me neither.
131
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'Bye then.
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Hero? Claude.
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Will you go out with me?
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For drinks. With food or without, entirely depending on. . .
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When? Um, Saturday?
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80% chance of showers, Saturday.
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Sunday, then. Cloudy, brightening later.
138
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Now, temperature-wise we're looking at 23-24 degrees.
139
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Should be a lovely day.
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So, what, you're up for it?
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I thought you'd never ask.
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Yes!
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Now this, this is exactly what I'm talking about, see?
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You've got liquids, you've got electricaI equipment.
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lt is literally an accident waiting to happen.
146
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Phwoar. Smell that.
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An alcoholic beverage.
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Well, not on my watch, Vincent.
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Not on my watch.
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Hello.
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Mr Fleming!
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l'm locking up now, Mr Fleming,
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so if I could ask you please to vacate the premises?
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What?
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What? Oh, yes. Yes.
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That's fine.
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Fine.
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Mr Fleming?
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Everything alright there?
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Right.
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Leonard, it's not my fault.
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I didn't say it was. How's he doing anyway?
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Well, let's just say I wouldn't buy him any green bananas.
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Leonard!
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lf I could just see some lD, please?
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l've been working here for 32 years.
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Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Right, that seems to be in order.
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Oh, and could I have a word about some health and safety issues?
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Later, Mr Berry, please.
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Keith's going to be fine. He just won't be coming back to work any time soon.
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That's wonderful! Sorry.
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I mean, that's very sad,
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but it does mean I get the show all to myself, doesn't it?
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Yes. Until next week, anyway.
175
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Why, what happens next week?
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You're going to be joined by. . .
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..by someone.
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Someone? Listen, Bea, you're not to over-react.
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You haven't.
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You wouldn't.
181
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l've already offered him the job. Withdraw the offer.
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He's already accepted. Starts next Monday.
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Right. Mmm.
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Well, I suggest you start looking for a new female presenter.
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The one man, Leonard, the one man in the world you know I hate.
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Hate's an awfully strong word.
187
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Oh, alright then, despise, abhor, loathe.
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But think of the show, Bea.
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lt's a dog-eat-dog world now, locaI regionaI news.
190
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lt's not enough to stick you on a stool with a laptop.
191
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We need that. . .well, that frisson.
192
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Frisson! There is no frisson.
193
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But you have to admit you were a great team, Bea.
194
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And the housewives all still love him.
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We call them women now. Women all love him.
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Not all women, Leonard.
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Not all women.
198
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Couldn't we just. . .
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I don't know. . .
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..buy a nice new sofa or something?
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Oh, alright. Alright.
202
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l'll think about it. (Clears throat)
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Thanks, Bea.
204
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lf it's any consolation, l'm bringing Peter back to direct.
205
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Well, that's something, I suppose.
206
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But what about Don?
207
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Yes, well. . .ahem. . .
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..we're letting Don go.
209
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BEATRlCE: You're sacking Don?
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Leonard, his wife has just left him.
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I won't sack him, just offer him an inferior job and hope he resigns.
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Stick him on graphics or something.
213
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No-one likes him, he's constantly fouling up,
214
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Mr Berry keeps finding water bottles that don't contain water
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and I don't like the way he looks at my daughter.
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All the men look at Hero like that.
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That's why you employed her.
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Well, I don't like it.
219
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I swear, Bea, I spend five minutes with the man, I get heartburn.
220
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You wanted to see me, Leonard?
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Ah. . . (Clears throat) Yes, Don.
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REPORTER: The floodlit courts and other facilities cost more than...
223
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MAN: One must remember to take a break.
224
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..you night-owls, and welcome to Attic Antiques,
225
00:12:08,007 --> 00:12:15,167
where we examine the lost treasures you may have lurking in your loft at home.
226
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ln tonight's show, Toby jugs!
227
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Now, everyone loves a Toby jug...
228
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..but what's it really worth?
229
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Here in Middle Wallop, a Toby jug can...
230
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So we're in the middle of nowhere, it's pitch black,
231
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passports have been stolen
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translator has run off with the sound equipment. . .
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l'm amazed you're still talking, Benedick.
234
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Nobody's listening to you.
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Beatrice! You're still here!
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So it would seem.
237
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I like this, by the way.
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Not many men your age can get away with that, the pirate look. Har har!
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(Laughs) Very striking.
240
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Sorry, I interrupted, didn't I? Go on.
241
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So, the translator has run off with the sound equipment,
242
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and the combat is getting pretty intense by now. . .
243
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I caught that late-night antiques thing, by the way.
244
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Late night or very early morning.
245
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Tell me, is that a pre-record, or do you have to stay up until 4am?
246
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A pre-record. Oh.
247
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You'd be surprised how popular it is with middle-aged women living alone.
248
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LEONARD: OK, if I could just have your attention, please.
249
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MAN: Don't tell me you're at it already.
250
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Oh! Good to see you again, Peter. You too, Bea love. How are you?
251
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Shut up!
252
00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:57,367
Now I'd just like to take a moment
253
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to welcome some old friends back to the fold.
254
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I believe most of you know Benedick.
255
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And our new director, Peter.
256
00:14:05,807 --> 00:14:08,247
We're very excited to have them back.
257
00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:11,927
And to show just how pleased, l'd like to hand over to Hero.
258
00:14:11,927 --> 00:14:14,287
(Clears throat) Hero?
259
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:16,287
Oh, sorry.
260
00:14:16,287 --> 00:14:19,367
Um, we've decided we're going to have a party,
261
00:14:19,367 --> 00:14:21,127
Sunday night, Dad's house,
262
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:22,727
to welcome the new team.
263
00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:26,567
And to make it extra, extra special, it's going to be fancy dress.
264
00:14:26,567 --> 00:14:29,487
Yes! I love fancy dress.
265
00:14:29,487 --> 00:14:30,966
LEONARD: Right then.
266
00:14:36,807 --> 00:14:39,407
Don! Can I have a quick word?
267
00:14:39,407 --> 00:14:40,886
What are you doing for lunch?
268
00:14:43,847 --> 00:14:47,207
l'm really glad you've decided to stay on, Don.
269
00:14:47,207 --> 00:14:49,887
I know being put on graphics feels like a demotion, but. . .
270
00:14:49,887 --> 00:14:51,687
Well, it is a demotion, so. . .
271
00:14:51,687 --> 00:14:53,166
Don. . .
272
00:14:54,967 --> 00:14:57,367
lt's got to stop. What has?
273
00:14:57,367 --> 00:15:00,647
The letters, the phone calls, the flowers.
274
00:15:00,647 --> 00:15:03,927
I can buy someone flowers, can't I? Not anymore, no.
275
00:15:03,927 --> 00:15:06,646
l'm very gratefuI but. . .
276
00:15:08,247 --> 00:15:12,967
..well, I'm with Claude now, and I like him very much.
277
00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:16,447
But I've never felt like this about someone before,
278
00:15:16,447 --> 00:15:18,367
not even my wife.
279
00:15:18,367 --> 00:15:20,447
Hero, I . . .
280
00:15:20,447 --> 00:15:21,926
You're ashamed of me.
281
00:15:23,127 --> 00:15:25,567
That's it, isn't it?
282
00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:28,087
That's why we're way out here, so no-one else can see us.
283
00:15:28,087 --> 00:15:30,047
l've seen you outside the house, Don.
284
00:15:30,047 --> 00:15:32,447
Sitting in your car in the middle of the night.
285
00:15:32,447 --> 00:15:34,007
lt's not fair. I don't like it.
286
00:15:34,007 --> 00:15:35,807
lt scares me. Hero, I'm sorry.
287
00:15:35,807 --> 00:15:38,605
You can't force someone to love you, Don.
288
00:15:39,687 --> 00:15:41,607
You can't force them not to either.
289
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:44,607
But you will find somebody else.
290
00:15:44,607 --> 00:15:47,407
I know you will. You're a lovely man.
291
00:15:47,407 --> 00:15:49,398
Am I? Of course you are.
292
00:15:52,087 --> 00:15:55,967
And that night we. . .we spent together. . .
293
00:15:55,967 --> 00:15:58,967
..it wasn't because you felt sorry for me?
294
00:15:58,967 --> 00:16:01,487
Of course not.
295
00:16:01,487 --> 00:16:04,487
You're just lonely, that's all.
296
00:16:04,487 --> 00:16:06,767
You'll find someone else, like I found Claude,
297
00:16:06,767 --> 00:16:09,567
and you'll fall in love again,
298
00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:12,798
and then we can go back to being good friends.
299
00:16:19,207 --> 00:16:21,880
I need this to be our secret. OK?
300
00:16:23,127 --> 00:16:24,606
Yeah.
301
00:16:27,327 --> 00:16:30,167
Well, what a lot of weather we've been having recently.
302
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:31,647
Sunshine in Weymouth. . .
303
00:16:31,647 --> 00:16:33,127
CLAUDE: Look at her,
304
00:16:33,127 --> 00:16:35,967
how she brings the sun in like that, with a wave of her hand.
305
00:16:35,967 --> 00:16:40,487
lt's almost like. . .almost like she's making it happen for real, know what I mean?
306
00:16:40,487 --> 00:16:42,607
You're not about to do anything stupid, are you?
307
00:16:42,607 --> 00:16:44,207
Like what?
308
00:16:44,207 --> 00:16:46,127
The M-word.
309
00:16:46,127 --> 00:16:48,846
No! (Scoffs) Course not!
310
00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:53,287
But it wouldn't be such a bad idea, though, would it?
311
00:16:53,287 --> 00:16:55,327
lf you say so.
312
00:16:55,327 --> 00:16:57,397
You don't think she's gorgeous?
313
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:01,607
She's very nice, Claude,
314
00:17:01,607 --> 00:17:05,847
I just prefer something a little less. . .obvious.
315
00:17:05,847 --> 00:17:08,207
Like what? I mean, who?
316
00:17:08,207 --> 00:17:10,567
I don't know.
317
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:12,687
Her, I suppose.
318
00:17:12,687 --> 00:17:14,247
CLAUDE: Beatrice? BENEDlCK: Yeah.
319
00:17:14,247 --> 00:17:18,087
lt's a purely objective statement, like saying you prefer a Lotus to a Porsche.
320
00:17:18,087 --> 00:17:20,367
A bit sexist, isn't it, comparing a woman to a car?
321
00:17:20,367 --> 00:17:22,447
Depends on the car. Mmm.
322
00:17:22,447 --> 00:17:26,247
She's a very attractive woman, Beatrice, or at least she would be,
323
00:17:26,247 --> 00:17:29,847
if she wasn't such a small, carnivorous dinosaur.
324
00:17:29,847 --> 00:17:32,447
Quick, sharp, vicious little teeth.
325
00:17:32,447 --> 00:17:35,439
Velociraptor? Yeah. Exactly, velociraptor.
326
00:17:38,287 --> 00:17:41,807
We were just talking about a big, new fossil find in Lyme Regis, Bea.
327
00:17:41,807 --> 00:17:43,287
We're very excited.
328
00:17:43,287 --> 00:17:44,767
Don't call me Bea, please.
329
00:17:44,767 --> 00:17:46,647
I hope you're gonna be gentle with me tonight.
330
00:17:46,647 --> 00:17:49,047
Why? Not scared, are you? WOMAN: Just over one minute!
331
00:17:49,047 --> 00:17:51,127
Well, you did nearly kill your last co-presenter.
332
00:17:51,127 --> 00:17:53,567
That was justifiable homicide.
333
00:17:53,567 --> 00:17:55,247
(Clears throat) So did you miss me then?
334
00:17:55,247 --> 00:17:58,567
You were all I thought about. Sorry, am I tugging it too hard?
335
00:17:58,567 --> 00:18:00,527
You can tug harder if you want. Oh, dear.
336
00:18:00,527 --> 00:18:04,127
Do you need anything, Beatrice? A short length of lead pipe.
337
00:18:04,127 --> 00:18:05,606
One minute then, everyone.
338
00:18:10,527 --> 00:18:12,287
Can I . . . Can I speak honestly?
339
00:18:12,287 --> 00:18:13,767
I don't know, can you?
340
00:18:13,767 --> 00:18:15,527
Because clearly you're still upset about us.
341
00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:17,007
Us? Oh, God! (Laughs) Yeah.
342
00:18:17,007 --> 00:18:18,487
And about the way it ended.
343
00:18:18,487 --> 00:18:20,487
Nothing had started, Ben, so how could it end?
344
00:18:20,487 --> 00:18:21,967
And, um. . . Honestly!
345
00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:25,207
I feeI bad about telling you by text, I do. The self-delusion of this man!
346
00:18:25,207 --> 00:18:27,967
(Talks over Bea) But if I've left you feeling undervalued or rejected. . .
347
00:18:27,967 --> 00:18:31,327
(Talks over Ben) I swear, Ben, if you were drowning - no, if you were on fire. . .
348
00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:34,007
But we can't go on like this, Bea. Don't call me Bea!
349
00:18:34,007 --> 00:18:35,567
Everything happy in there?
350
00:18:35,567 --> 00:18:37,047
Fine. Perfect.
351
00:18:37,047 --> 00:18:40,007
PETER: Good luck everyone. We're on in 30.
352
00:18:40,007 --> 00:18:42,407
By the way, you've got something in your teeth.
353
00:18:42,407 --> 00:18:44,127
Oh, yes, I'm sure I do. Spinach, right?
354
00:18:44,127 --> 00:18:46,407
No, it's just a stringy bit of meat, just there.
355
00:18:46,407 --> 00:18:48,875
I think I'll live with it, thank you. OK. lt's your decision.
356
00:18:50,407 --> 00:18:53,487
Make it a phone-in competition - 'Guess The Presenter's Lunch.'
357
00:18:53,487 --> 00:18:55,727
You know, it really is the oldest trick in the book.
358
00:18:55,727 --> 00:18:58,247
I was trying to help, Ben, but if you don't believe me. . .
359
00:18:58,247 --> 00:19:00,047
BEN: No, I don't. Eight, seven. . .
360
00:19:00,047 --> 00:19:01,887
Why not ask the gallery, then? OK, I will.
361
00:19:01,887 --> 00:19:03,327
Go on then. Yeah, fine.
362
00:19:03,327 --> 00:19:04,887
Three, two, one. BEN: Guys?
363
00:19:04,887 --> 00:19:07,037
BEN: Something on my teeth? Cut. Cue Benedick.
364
00:19:08,447 --> 00:19:12,207
And I'm Beatrice Evans. Welcome to Wessex Tonight.
365
00:19:12,207 --> 00:19:14,087
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.
366
00:19:14,087 --> 00:19:16,207
BEATRlCE: ..to the Yeovil Amateur Operatic Society
367
00:19:16,207 --> 00:19:19,597
who are doing a production of 'Hair', Bill Harris playing the lead. . .
368
00:19:23,407 --> 00:19:26,927
Great, isn't it? I've been wearing it round the flat all day.
369
00:19:26,927 --> 00:19:30,247
Makes me feel. . . (lnhales deeply) ..powerful, you know?.
370
00:19:30,247 --> 00:19:32,247
(Laughs) What am I wearing?
371
00:19:32,247 --> 00:19:33,726
Ooh.
372
00:19:39,127 --> 00:19:40,958
Two for the price of one.
373
00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:53,087
You can throw this old stuff out now, Dad. I'll help if you want.
374
00:19:53,087 --> 00:19:54,918
I like it the way it is.
375
00:19:56,127 --> 00:19:59,247
Besides, you never know when you might need your room back.
376
00:19:59,247 --> 00:20:00,680
Hardly likely, is it?
377
00:20:04,607 --> 00:20:06,359
How do I look?
378
00:20:07,687 --> 00:20:09,367
Just like your mother.
379
00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:12,279
Oh. (Half-laughs) l'm meant to be Marilyn Monroe.
380
00:20:13,287 --> 00:20:16,120
I mean. . .you look beautiful.
381
00:20:19,047 --> 00:20:20,687
Don't start. You'll make my mascara run.
382
00:20:22,487 --> 00:20:24,523
( DOORBELL ) l'll get that.
383
00:20:32,207 --> 00:20:33,807
Don!
384
00:20:33,807 --> 00:20:36,799
You look. . .am-amazing!
385
00:20:45,127 --> 00:20:46,606
Thank you.
386
00:20:48,287 --> 00:20:50,487
lsn't that just your uniform?
387
00:20:50,487 --> 00:20:53,247
Danger never sleeps, Mr Armitage.
388
00:20:53,247 --> 00:20:56,527
89% of accidents happen in the home.
389
00:20:56,527 --> 00:20:59,327
You just made that statistic up, didn't you?
390
00:20:59,327 --> 00:21:03,047
Would you mind using a coaster? lt leaves a ring otherwise.
391
00:21:03,047 --> 00:21:04,807
lt's my house!
392
00:21:04,807 --> 00:21:06,287
Ah, Bea!
393
00:21:06,287 --> 00:21:07,767
Hello, you.
394
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:10,367
Your Majesty! (Laughs) Look at you.
395
00:21:10,367 --> 00:21:11,847
All hail. (Both laugh)
396
00:21:11,847 --> 00:21:13,367
LEONARD: You look wonderful. BEATRlCE: Thank you.
397
00:21:13,367 --> 00:21:15,167
LEONARD: Peter! What's she come dressed as?
398
00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:17,527
MARGARET: Lamb, by the looks of it. Oh, Margaret!
399
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:21,007
My God, look at this place. Same old faces.
400
00:21:21,007 --> 00:21:23,687
Tonight we're going to party like it's 1 939.
401
00:21:23,687 --> 00:21:25,847
Why is there never a tin-opener when you need one?
402
00:21:25,847 --> 00:21:27,527
Who is that?
403
00:21:27,527 --> 00:21:29,807
That's not Margaret, is it? Yes, my liege.
404
00:21:29,807 --> 00:21:31,847
Hello, hi! Haven't you got sheep to look for?
405
00:21:31,847 --> 00:21:33,887
That's Bo-Peep. I'm Little Miss Muffet.
406
00:21:33,887 --> 00:21:35,447
And what have you come as?
407
00:21:35,447 --> 00:21:38,567
Oh, just some sort of vaguely sexy cat.
408
00:21:40,647 --> 00:21:43,807
Don't ask why, there's no reaI logic to it. Little Miss Muffet's got a spider.
409
00:21:43,807 --> 00:21:47,087
Just an old leotard I found tangled up in my lingerie drawer.
410
00:21:47,087 --> 00:21:49,527
So what's so sexy about this particular cat?
411
00:21:49,527 --> 00:21:51,047
You tell me. (Laughs)
412
00:21:51,047 --> 00:21:53,087
I did have a tuffet actually. . . Um, I put it. . .
413
00:21:56,967 --> 00:21:59,167
The honour if you would. . .
414
00:21:59,167 --> 00:22:01,167
No.
415
00:22:01,167 --> 00:22:05,046
I . . . I . . . I humbly ask you to consider. . .
416
00:22:06,407 --> 00:22:08,367
l'd be over the moon if you. . .
417
00:22:08,367 --> 00:22:10,447
Don!
418
00:22:10,447 --> 00:22:11,447
Having fun?
419
00:22:11,447 --> 00:22:13,687
Oh, you know me. Crying on the inside.
420
00:22:15,687 --> 00:22:18,887
So, the boss's daughter, eh?
421
00:22:18,887 --> 00:22:20,527
Smart move.
422
00:22:20,527 --> 00:22:22,647
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
423
00:22:22,647 --> 00:22:25,207
Just she's a very beautifuI girl, that's all.
424
00:22:26,567 --> 00:22:28,887
Very popular.
425
00:22:29,927 --> 00:22:32,167
DON: Everyone loves a Hero.
426
00:22:32,167 --> 00:22:36,887
DON: Your Hero, my Hero,
427
00:22:36,887 --> 00:22:38,479
everyone's Hero.
428
00:22:40,207 --> 00:22:42,327
l'm going to get a refill. Do you want anything?
429
00:22:42,327 --> 00:22:44,527
What?
430
00:22:44,527 --> 00:22:46,567
No. No, I'm all right, thank you.
431
00:22:46,567 --> 00:22:50,527
And your relationship with the camera is, um. . .
432
00:22:50,527 --> 00:22:52,127
Well, it's like you own it.
433
00:22:52,127 --> 00:22:53,847
lt's, um. . .
434
00:22:53,847 --> 00:22:55,847
You're so much more than just the weather girl.
435
00:22:55,847 --> 00:22:59,167
Well, I prefer to think of myself as a broadcaster.
436
00:22:59,167 --> 00:23:03,087
You're more than that, you're a communicator.
437
00:23:03,087 --> 00:23:05,727
Thank you, Ben! Margaret's looking for you.
438
00:23:05,727 --> 00:23:07,887
Where? Upstairs, in your old room.
439
00:23:07,887 --> 00:23:09,567
OK. See you later.
440
00:23:09,567 --> 00:23:11,607
'Bye. Ciao.
441
00:23:11,607 --> 00:23:13,487
Just give it a rest, eh?
442
00:23:13,487 --> 00:23:14,967
What? What have I done?
443
00:23:14,967 --> 00:23:18,087
Would you excuse me, just. . .? Certainly.
444
00:23:18,087 --> 00:23:19,600
What have I done?
445
00:23:20,607 --> 00:23:22,916
Claude, what. . .? I didn't do anything.
446
00:23:26,527 --> 00:23:28,006
Claude?
447
00:23:29,007 --> 00:23:30,927
Claude!
448
00:23:30,927 --> 00:23:32,565
lt is Claude, isn't it?
449
00:23:33,927 --> 00:23:35,406
Come and talk to me.
450
00:23:41,687 --> 00:23:44,167
Where's your side-kick then, Claude?
451
00:23:44,167 --> 00:23:45,647
Side-kick?
452
00:23:45,647 --> 00:23:47,247
Probably working his way through the buffet,
453
00:23:47,247 --> 00:23:49,527
seeing how many chicken thighs he can fit in his mouth.
454
00:23:49,527 --> 00:23:51,007
What do you mean?
455
00:23:51,007 --> 00:23:53,047
Well, I know they say the camera adds eight pounds,
456
00:23:53,047 --> 00:23:56,007
but he's not on camera now, is he?
457
00:23:56,007 --> 00:23:57,647
The ladies still seem to. . .
458
00:23:57,647 --> 00:24:00,367
Sorry? I can't hear you, Claude. Why not take your helmet off?
459
00:24:00,367 --> 00:24:02,847
I said Benedick still seems very popular with the ladies.
460
00:24:02,847 --> 00:24:05,407
Well, that's what he likes you to believe, yeah.
461
00:24:05,407 --> 00:24:07,447
But, oh, that beard!
462
00:24:07,447 --> 00:24:10,087
lt's like he's got food smeared all round his mouth.
463
00:24:10,087 --> 00:24:11,727
Lucky you never have to kiss him.
464
00:24:11,727 --> 00:24:14,719
And for that I thank God every day.
465
00:24:16,687 --> 00:24:19,767
What would you do if I . . .? No. You're mumbling again, Claude.
466
00:24:19,767 --> 00:24:22,407
I said I'll tell Benedick what you said. Fine. Tell him.
467
00:24:22,407 --> 00:24:24,927
He'll just try and come back with some smart-arse remark,
468
00:24:24,927 --> 00:24:26,687
and it won't be funny, or make sense
469
00:24:26,687 --> 00:24:28,367
and nobody will be listening to him anyway.
470
00:24:28,367 --> 00:24:30,527
Excuse me. . .a. . .a minute, would you?
471
00:24:30,527 --> 00:24:32,006
Claude?
472
00:24:33,407 --> 00:24:35,875
What? ls it something I've said?
473
00:24:37,407 --> 00:24:38,886
Claude?
474
00:24:46,727 --> 00:24:48,967
l'm telling you now, so you've got plenty of warning.
475
00:24:48,967 --> 00:24:52,447
Leonard's hired a karaoke machine. She is Satan.
476
00:24:52,447 --> 00:24:55,527
She looks normal, but she's Satan in human form.
477
00:24:55,527 --> 00:24:57,040
What is it now?.
478
00:25:12,687 --> 00:25:15,167
HERO: lt's like he's trying to send me some sort of signal.
479
00:25:15,167 --> 00:25:17,967
You know, tears of a clown and all that.
480
00:25:17,967 --> 00:25:20,967
I hate clowns. As if he wasn't creepy enough as it is.
481
00:25:20,967 --> 00:25:23,047
HERO: Margaret, please. I don't know how you managed it.
482
00:25:23,047 --> 00:25:26,247
The hot meaty breath, that sweaty face bearing down on you.
483
00:25:26,247 --> 00:25:28,567
URSULA: That gluey white bit in the corner of his mouth.
484
00:25:28,567 --> 00:25:30,047
HERO: Hey, Don's alright.
485
00:25:30,047 --> 00:25:33,607
And, you know, he'd been talking and crying about how lonely he was
486
00:25:33,607 --> 00:25:36,127
and, I don't know, I just felt sorry for him.
487
00:25:36,127 --> 00:25:38,007
MARGARET: And does he know that, do you think?
488
00:25:38,007 --> 00:25:41,287
That you slept with him out of pity? 'Cause men love that. Pity sex.
489
00:25:41,287 --> 00:25:43,607
HERO: I'd just like to forget about it, please.
490
00:25:43,607 --> 00:25:45,245
And if you ever, ever breathe a word. . .
491
00:25:47,287 --> 00:25:49,007
Five foot eight.
492
00:25:49,007 --> 00:25:50,599
And I'm five foot four.
493
00:25:52,567 --> 00:25:56,799
That much more and I'd have been out there now, on a stake-out or something.
494
00:25:58,847 --> 00:26:00,519
lt's bigotry, that's what it is.
495
00:26:02,247 --> 00:26:07,526
There is no proven connection between height and the ability to fight crime.
496
00:26:09,247 --> 00:26:11,567
Poirot's not a big man.
497
00:26:11,567 --> 00:26:14,161
Morse - he's stocky, not tall.
498
00:26:15,527 --> 00:26:17,567
Columbo? (Scoffs)
499
00:26:17,567 --> 00:26:19,127
Tiny!
500
00:26:19,127 --> 00:26:21,197
Absolutely tiny.
501
00:26:25,367 --> 00:26:28,727
BENEDlCK: Oh, God, here she comes, the Virgin Queen.
502
00:26:28,727 --> 00:26:31,400
Quick, give me something to do.
503
00:26:32,687 --> 00:26:35,847
Do you want a refill? Can't I get you an ashtray?
504
00:26:35,847 --> 00:26:38,047
I don't smoke.
505
00:26:38,047 --> 00:26:40,247
Gentlemen!
506
00:26:40,247 --> 00:26:41,726
Hello.
507
00:26:44,487 --> 00:26:46,045
Pete, do you want a hand with. . .?
508
00:26:49,727 --> 00:26:51,207
So.
509
00:26:51,207 --> 00:26:53,163
Nice ruff. Thank you.
510
00:26:56,807 --> 00:26:58,447
How about a dance then, eh?
511
00:26:58,447 --> 00:26:59,927
A bit of cardiovascular.
512
00:26:59,927 --> 00:27:01,847
No, I don't think so.
513
00:27:01,847 --> 00:27:04,236
l'm trying to be friendly here, Benedick.
514
00:27:05,407 --> 00:27:07,796
This is it. Me being friendly.
515
00:27:09,007 --> 00:27:11,282
l'd make the most of it, if I were you.
516
00:27:26,207 --> 00:27:28,167
So, you enjoying yourself?
517
00:27:28,167 --> 00:27:30,442
Haven't had this much fun since Children ln Need.
518
00:27:32,047 --> 00:27:33,727
We should probably knock it on the head.
519
00:27:33,727 --> 00:27:36,400
No, might as well stick it out to the bitter end, eh?
520
00:27:42,967 --> 00:27:45,287
BENEDlCK: Touching, isn't it?
521
00:27:45,287 --> 00:27:47,607
BEATRlCE: A marriage of true minds.
522
00:27:47,607 --> 00:27:51,487
BENEDlCK: That misty, faraway look in their eyes.
523
00:27:51,487 --> 00:27:53,047
Like conjunctivitis.
524
00:27:57,007 --> 00:27:59,727
BEATRlCE: Oh, Claude. BENEDlCK: Oh, Hero.
525
00:27:59,727 --> 00:28:02,807
Say to me those three little words.
526
00:28:02,807 --> 00:28:05,887
Me. . . love. . .you.
527
00:28:16,007 --> 00:28:17,567
Oh, God, here we go.
528
00:28:17,567 --> 00:28:20,327
BEATRlCE: At least when they're kissing they're not talking.
529
00:28:20,327 --> 00:28:22,447
BENEDlCK: Well, they're trying though.
530
00:28:22,447 --> 00:28:25,407
I can't think of anything worse than to have someone say they love me.
531
00:28:25,407 --> 00:28:26,886
Me too.
532
00:28:28,847 --> 00:28:31,007
Well, that's something we've got in common, then.
533
00:28:31,007 --> 00:28:32,679
Not much, is it?
534
00:28:33,767 --> 00:28:35,246
No, not much.
535
00:28:43,407 --> 00:28:45,762
Oh, God. ls this what I think it is?
536
00:28:46,767 --> 00:28:48,246
Here we go.
537
00:29:12,887 --> 00:29:14,927
CLAUDE: Um, I know it's a bit whirlwind and everything
538
00:29:14,927 --> 00:29:20,367
but this earlier on this evening I asked Hero if she would marry me. . .
539
00:29:20,367 --> 00:29:23,087
..and I'm delighted to say that she's agreed to be my wife.
540
00:29:36,407 --> 00:29:39,558
You, uh. . . might want to give it a couple of minutes.
541
00:29:40,967 --> 00:29:42,446
What's going on there?
542
00:29:51,167 --> 00:29:52,646
Congratulations.
543
00:29:53,887 --> 00:29:55,407
I am so pleased for you.
544
00:29:55,407 --> 00:29:57,647
You approve? Of course I approve!
545
00:29:57,647 --> 00:29:59,287
Come here. Well done, you.
546
00:29:59,287 --> 00:30:00,767
Thanks, Bea.
547
00:30:00,767 --> 00:30:03,156
Didn't see that coming did you, eh? Nobody tells me anything!
548
00:30:04,927 --> 00:30:06,927
Junior hockey team faces relegation? LEONARD: Nope.
549
00:30:06,927 --> 00:30:09,127
LocaI steel-band triumphs? No.
550
00:30:09,127 --> 00:30:12,367
Another fishing-boat has vanished in the so-called Weymouth Triangle.
551
00:30:12,367 --> 00:30:15,167
Completely vanished? N . . . No. They found it again.
552
00:30:15,167 --> 00:30:16,647
DON: What about the. . .?
553
00:30:16,647 --> 00:30:18,127
Oh, Swanage has appointed its new town-crier.
554
00:30:18,127 --> 00:30:19,127
ALL: No!
555
00:30:19,127 --> 00:30:21,327
There's a two-headed frog been found in Langton Matravers.
556
00:30:21,327 --> 00:30:22,807
MARGARET: That's gross.
557
00:30:22,807 --> 00:30:24,367
PETER: The other side bought exclusive rights.
558
00:30:24,367 --> 00:30:25,367
LEONARD: Bastards.
559
00:30:25,367 --> 00:30:28,807
I love these big news days, don't you? lt's like 'All The President's Men'.
560
00:30:29,927 --> 00:30:31,807
We could always do. . . Terrible fog this morning.
561
00:30:31,807 --> 00:30:34,847
lt's not quite the killer story we're looking for though, is it? Fog.
562
00:30:34,847 --> 00:30:37,407
Sorry, but I still don't know what was wrong with my story.
563
00:30:37,407 --> 00:30:39,367
What was it again?
564
00:30:39,367 --> 00:30:42,847
(Sighs) They are closing down the Ladymeade Nursing Home.
565
00:30:42,847 --> 00:30:45,287
Now the residents are all in their 80s or 90s,
566
00:30:45,287 --> 00:30:46,887
couple of them are over 1 00,
567
00:30:46,887 --> 00:30:49,447
and the council are just going to dump them in hospitaI wards.
568
00:30:49,447 --> 00:30:51,927
They're not ill, they're elderly. The whole thing stinks.
569
00:30:51,927 --> 00:30:53,807
The nursing home stinks?
570
00:30:53,807 --> 00:30:55,647
PETER: Looks like our lead story.
571
00:30:55,647 --> 00:30:57,407
I don't know. lsn't it a bit. . .?
572
00:30:57,407 --> 00:30:59,087
BEATRlCE: What? Worthy?
573
00:30:59,087 --> 00:31:01,327
lt's exactly the kind of story that's relevant to our viewers.
574
00:31:01,327 --> 00:31:04,807
Look at this - winner of this year's Miss East Dorset Beauty Contest.
575
00:31:04,807 --> 00:31:06,487
Oh, let's see. LEONARD: Oi.
576
00:31:06,487 --> 00:31:08,087
Here.
577
00:31:08,087 --> 00:31:10,247
Might be a mid-show spot, I suppose.
578
00:31:10,247 --> 00:31:12,207
LEONARD: Proud locaI farmer Clive Dobbs
579
00:31:12,207 --> 00:31:14,727
and last year's winner, his lovely daughter, Rosie.
580
00:31:14,727 --> 00:31:16,807
Rosie's the one with the pipe and the lazy eye.
581
00:31:16,807 --> 00:31:18,527
l'm so sorry, I must have missed something.
582
00:31:18,527 --> 00:31:20,967
When was it decided that we had a nightly misogynists' slot?
583
00:31:20,967 --> 00:31:22,487
Misogynist? Look it up, Ben.
584
00:31:22,487 --> 00:31:24,487
lt means somebody who hates or fears women.
585
00:31:24,487 --> 00:31:26,127
Hey, I don't hate women, I love women.
586
00:31:26,127 --> 00:31:29,487
God save me from men who say they love women!
587
00:31:29,487 --> 00:31:30,967
They are the worst.
588
00:31:30,967 --> 00:31:32,527
Hear hear! Yes, hear hear.
589
00:31:32,527 --> 00:31:34,007
lt's just a bit of fun, Bea.
590
00:31:34,007 --> 00:31:36,567
Fine, have your fun, put it on the show,
591
00:31:36,567 --> 00:31:38,523
just don't expect me to present it, that's all.
592
00:31:43,167 --> 00:31:45,287
l'm sorry that things down here aren't proving
593
00:31:45,287 --> 00:31:47,327
quite as intense as you're used to.
594
00:31:47,327 --> 00:31:50,807
l'm sorry there's been no bloody civil war in Axminster,
595
00:31:50,807 --> 00:31:55,167
no great herds of dinosaurs marauding down the Newton Abbot bypass,
596
00:31:55,167 --> 00:31:57,207
but I happen to love this job and the people,
597
00:31:57,207 --> 00:31:59,447
and I happen to think it's important and worthwhile.
598
00:31:59,447 --> 00:32:01,967
So do l, that's why. . . And deserving of some basic respect.
599
00:32:01,967 --> 00:32:03,607
And if you don't agree. . . I do agree.
600
00:32:03,607 --> 00:32:06,687
..perhaps you'd better pack up your shiny suits in your plastic bag
601
00:32:06,687 --> 00:32:08,207
and sod off back to London!
602
00:32:08,207 --> 00:32:11,367
Do you ever listen to other people? lf someone's worth listening to.
603
00:32:11,367 --> 00:32:13,517
And how do you know I'm not? Past experience.
604
00:32:15,207 --> 00:32:17,127
Well, it must get pretty lonely, I imagine,
605
00:32:17,127 --> 00:32:19,047
up there on the moraI high ground.
606
00:32:19,047 --> 00:32:22,047
Oh, no, it's wonderful. What's it like down there in the gutter?
607
00:32:22,047 --> 00:32:23,527
You snob. You ape.
608
00:32:23,527 --> 00:32:25,006
Prig. Clown.
609
00:32:26,767 --> 00:32:29,679
Come on, Ben, think. Faster, faster.
610
00:32:31,167 --> 00:32:35,087
You sour, cold-hearted, joyless bitch.
611
00:32:42,887 --> 00:32:44,366
Right, OK.
612
00:32:45,727 --> 00:32:49,207
This is how it's going to go. We turn up, do the show, go home. That's it.
613
00:32:49,207 --> 00:32:50,686
Agreed? Fine by me.
614
00:32:55,207 --> 00:32:57,367
Oh, we've found the most beautifuI venue.
615
00:32:57,367 --> 00:32:59,127
(Bored) Mm-hm. And the menu's been finalised.
616
00:32:59,127 --> 00:33:01,767
(Feigning interest) Oh, please, God, let it be salmon.
617
00:33:01,767 --> 00:33:03,727
lt is salmon! Yay!
618
00:33:05,887 --> 00:33:08,845
And, uh. . .there's something else.
619
00:33:09,927 --> 00:33:14,327
Claude and I have talked and, well. . .
620
00:33:14,327 --> 00:33:18,286
..we would love it if you could be our chief bridesmaid.
621
00:33:20,247 --> 00:33:22,327
I see. Now, I know what you're thinking.
622
00:33:22,327 --> 00:33:24,527
Go on. That you're too old to be a bridesmaid.
623
00:33:24,527 --> 00:33:26,367
That's exactly what I'm thinking.
624
00:33:26,367 --> 00:33:28,887
So you could be whatever an older bridesmaid is called.
625
00:33:28,887 --> 00:33:31,767
Um. . . maid of honour, is it?
626
00:33:31,767 --> 00:33:33,647
Or. . . matron?
627
00:33:35,447 --> 00:33:37,367
What is the difference?
628
00:33:37,367 --> 00:33:39,323
Oh, you are pleased, aren't you?
629
00:33:40,527 --> 00:33:42,247
lt is a dream fulfilled.
630
00:33:42,247 --> 00:33:43,927
But if you throw the bouquet at me,
631
00:33:43,927 --> 00:33:45,487
I will throw a bottle back.
632
00:33:45,487 --> 00:33:47,007
Point taken.
633
00:33:47,007 --> 00:33:48,567
Who's the best man, by the way?
634
00:33:48,567 --> 00:33:50,607
Will I have to make a speech? ls that alright?
635
00:33:50,607 --> 00:33:52,087
Fine, it's your funeral.
636
00:33:52,087 --> 00:33:55,367
Yeah, I prefer to think of it more as a day of joy and celebration.
637
00:33:55,367 --> 00:33:57,007
I know, I know. Sorry, mate.
638
00:33:57,007 --> 00:33:59,607
l'd love to do it, of course I would. Thanks, mate.
639
00:33:59,607 --> 00:34:01,120
MARGARET: One minute, everyone.
640
00:34:12,127 --> 00:34:14,247
Bad hair day? Bad face day?
641
00:34:14,247 --> 00:34:16,287
Everybody happy here? Fine.
642
00:34:16,287 --> 00:34:18,127
Wonderful, wonderful.
643
00:34:18,127 --> 00:34:20,766
Want me to do you now?. l'd love that.
644
00:34:23,447 --> 00:34:26,327
What do you think of this one? Do you think it's a bit much?
645
00:34:26,327 --> 00:34:27,967
Maybe something a little plainer?
646
00:34:27,967 --> 00:34:29,567
Mmm, a noose perhaps.
647
00:34:29,567 --> 00:34:32,927
OK, standby, studio, 1 0 seconds for the opening ident.
648
00:34:32,927 --> 00:34:37,007
You know, sometimes I think you're just a little bit jealous, darling.
649
00:34:37,007 --> 00:34:40,647
You really do put the 'W' into 'anchorman', don't you?
650
00:34:40,647 --> 00:34:42,487
BOTH: Good evening!
651
00:34:42,487 --> 00:34:45,687
I tell you, I don't get paid enough for this, Leonard.
652
00:34:45,687 --> 00:34:47,967
There must be something you can do, Pete?
653
00:34:47,967 --> 00:34:49,687
Me? Why are you asking me?
654
00:34:49,687 --> 00:34:51,167
Ready to roll VT. You're the director!
655
00:34:51,167 --> 00:34:54,367
URSULA: VT in three, two, one.
656
00:34:54,367 --> 00:34:56,327
And roll VT.
657
00:34:56,327 --> 00:34:58,887
OK, I'll think of something.
658
00:34:58,887 --> 00:34:59,956
Good.
659
00:35:02,367 --> 00:35:05,967
This is the Six O'Clock News, from the BBC,
660
00:35:05,967 --> 00:35:07,525
with Benedick Taylor.
661
00:35:10,527 --> 00:35:14,645
Hello and welcome to Newsnight. l'm Benedick Taylor.
662
00:35:19,767 --> 00:35:23,247
LEONARD ON STUDlO TV: You know, in many ways, I blame myself.
663
00:35:23,247 --> 00:35:27,967
I shouldn't have invited him back, knowing how she feels about him.
664
00:35:27,967 --> 00:35:29,607
HERO: You weren't to know, Dad. LEONARD: No.
665
00:35:29,607 --> 00:35:31,647
lt's my fault for meddling...
666
00:35:31,647 --> 00:35:33,287
I thought if I put them back together
667
00:35:33,287 --> 00:35:35,207
he'd finally see what a fathead he's been.
668
00:35:35,207 --> 00:35:38,327
But now the whole future of the show's in jeopardy.
669
00:35:39,807 --> 00:35:40,807
Audio out.
670
00:36:04,407 --> 00:36:06,557
He's coming. He's coming. Right, positions, everyone.
671
00:36:17,967 --> 00:36:19,847
HERO O VER TALKBACK: Same as she said to you,
672
00:36:19,847 --> 00:36:22,487
that she loves him more than life itself.
673
00:36:22,487 --> 00:36:26,247
CLAUDE: How strange! When outwardly she appears to dislike him so much.
674
00:36:26,247 --> 00:36:29,367
PETER: That's just a front. HERO: No, trust me, she worships him.
675
00:36:29,367 --> 00:36:31,287
lt's all she ever talks about.
676
00:36:31,287 --> 00:36:33,247
CLAUDE: I see.
677
00:36:33,247 --> 00:36:36,047
So her apparent hostility is just a persona which she assumes
678
00:36:36,047 --> 00:36:40,287
to hide the romantic nature of her true feelings towards Benedick?
679
00:36:40,287 --> 00:36:41,767
(Whispers) That was awful!
680
00:36:41,767 --> 00:36:44,207
LEONARD: So why hasn't she said something?
681
00:36:44,207 --> 00:36:47,207
HERO: What's the point? You know what a clown he is.
682
00:36:47,207 --> 00:36:48,847
He'll just laugh at her
683
00:36:48,847 --> 00:36:52,567
and bang on about how he needs his space.
684
00:36:52,567 --> 00:36:55,647
I love Ben, but at the end of the day, he's just not that bright.
685
00:36:55,647 --> 00:36:57,647
Oh, thanks, mate. LEONARD: He's mad not to see it.
686
00:36:57,647 --> 00:37:00,681
She's smart, she's funny, she's incredibly intelligent...
687
00:37:00,681 --> 00:37:03,837
PETER: About everything except loving Benedick.
688
00:37:04,167 --> 00:37:06,607
No, no, it's true, she's a beauty.
689
00:37:06,607 --> 00:37:09,007
LEONARD: I tell you, if I was five years younger...
690
00:37:09,007 --> 00:37:11,007
PETER: Five years?
691
00:37:12,847 --> 00:37:14,767
( LAUGHTER ) LEONARD: What was that?
692
00:37:14,767 --> 00:37:17,367
ls there someone out there?
693
00:37:17,367 --> 00:37:19,119
CLAUDE: No, there can't be.
694
00:37:30,367 --> 00:37:32,727
LEONARD: So, what are we going to do?
695
00:37:32,727 --> 00:37:35,327
HERO: Well, we've got to do something. LEONARD: Mmm.
696
00:37:35,327 --> 00:37:38,607
I mean, she's drinking all the time,
697
00:37:38,607 --> 00:37:40,927
bursting into tears, every time I see her, it's...
698
00:37:42,047 --> 00:37:45,487
.. "What am I going to do? I love him so much. ''
699
00:37:45,487 --> 00:37:47,367
I hear she's thinking about leaving the show.
700
00:37:47,367 --> 00:37:49,207
No! She can't do that!
701
00:37:49,207 --> 00:37:51,967
The ratings are up, the viewers love them.
702
00:37:51,967 --> 00:37:54,647
But she's very, very unhappy, Leonard.
703
00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:58,127
I wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't. . . No, it doesn't matter.
704
00:37:58,127 --> 00:38:00,367
LEONARD: No, go on.
705
00:38:00,367 --> 00:38:04,727
PETER: lf she hadn't been thinking about doing...something stupid.
706
00:38:04,727 --> 00:38:07,007
LEONARD: Well, that's it. l'm going to have to tell him.
707
00:38:07,007 --> 00:38:10,367
PETER: No, you mustn't. She'd rather die than show how she truly feels.
708
00:38:10,367 --> 00:38:12,047
LEONARD: So what do I do?
709
00:38:12,047 --> 00:38:14,800
PETER: Just wait and hope that he comes to his senses.
710
00:38:24,647 --> 00:38:26,126
She loves me.
711
00:38:32,247 --> 00:38:35,319
And now I come to think about it, it does make a kind of sense. . .
712
00:38:36,487 --> 00:38:39,367
..the hostility and everything.
713
00:38:42,127 --> 00:38:44,197
That's why we can never be friends.
714
00:38:46,087 --> 00:38:48,078
lt's just too painfuI for her.
715
00:38:56,207 --> 00:38:58,562
Well, I suppose l'll just have to love her back.
716
00:39:00,407 --> 00:39:03,447
Yeah, there'll be some fun at my expense of course,
717
00:39:03,447 --> 00:39:06,167
but a person's allowed to change his mind as he matures.
718
00:39:06,167 --> 00:39:08,527
Love's just one of those things a man grows into,
719
00:39:08,527 --> 00:39:10,287
like jazz and olives,
720
00:39:10,287 --> 00:39:13,647
and I'm not going to let a few sarcastic remarks change the way I feel.
721
00:39:13,647 --> 00:39:17,327
After all, the world must be peopled.
722
00:39:17,327 --> 00:39:20,558
When I said I'd die a bachelor, I just didn't realise I'd live this long.
723
00:39:31,887 --> 00:39:36,165
And there's no denying the fact that she's a very attractive woman.
724
00:39:37,807 --> 00:39:41,687
Talented, funny, kind.
725
00:39:41,687 --> 00:39:47,647
Well, she's not kind but she's so smart, so intelligent.
726
00:39:47,647 --> 00:39:49,603
About everything except loving me.
727
00:39:52,207 --> 00:39:54,437
Could I see some identification, please?
728
00:40:02,447 --> 00:40:04,007
There you go.
729
00:40:04,007 --> 00:40:07,607
Hey, I don't suppose you've got a bicycle pump I can borrow?.
730
00:40:07,607 --> 00:40:12,967
The trick. . . (Pumps frantically) ..is not to change my behaviour,
731
00:40:12,967 --> 00:40:15,367
not to appear proud or arrogant
732
00:40:15,367 --> 00:40:17,483
about the fact that she's obsessed with me.
733
00:40:19,447 --> 00:40:23,567
The trick is to be very, very cool. . .
734
00:40:23,567 --> 00:40:26,087
(Puffs) ..and suave. . .
735
00:40:26,087 --> 00:40:28,247
(Grunts) ..about the whole thing.
736
00:40:30,767 --> 00:40:32,883
Who is it? BEATRlCE: lt's me.
737
00:40:35,047 --> 00:40:37,481
Um. . .just making myself decent.
738
00:40:39,847 --> 00:40:41,678
Can I wait that long?
739
00:40:43,287 --> 00:40:45,642
(Laughs) Can I wait that long?
740
00:40:47,207 --> 00:40:49,038
You're incredible, really you are.
741
00:40:50,327 --> 00:40:53,447
Leonard says due to Hero's hen party, the de-brief's been cancelled.
742
00:40:53,447 --> 00:40:56,567
Beatrice, thank you so much.
743
00:40:56,567 --> 00:40:58,407
For what exactly?
744
00:40:58,407 --> 00:41:00,487
Oh, you know, making the effort.
745
00:41:00,487 --> 00:41:03,087
lf it had been any effort, I wouldn't have bothered.
746
00:41:03,087 --> 00:41:05,927
Well, still. . .
747
00:41:05,927 --> 00:41:07,565
..thank you very much, all the same.
748
00:41:10,287 --> 00:41:12,847
You feeling alright? Of course? Why?
749
00:41:12,847 --> 00:41:14,963
You're sweating. . . more than usual.
750
00:41:16,607 --> 00:41:18,727
And that smell. . . That's just aftershave.
751
00:41:18,727 --> 00:41:22,127
Smells like a photo-lab. What do you actually do in there anyway?
752
00:41:22,127 --> 00:41:24,687
(Gasps) lt's not a woman, is it?
753
00:41:24,687 --> 00:41:28,287
(Giggles) Come out, sweetheart, don't be ashamed!
754
00:41:28,287 --> 00:41:30,327
What would I be doing with another woman?
755
00:41:30,327 --> 00:41:33,247
Benedick, I don't care. You can do what you like.
756
00:41:33,247 --> 00:41:35,487
Oh, right.
757
00:41:35,487 --> 00:41:37,398
I see.
758
00:41:38,767 --> 00:41:40,247
What's that look supposed to mean?
759
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,487
What look?
760
00:41:41,487 --> 00:41:42,647
That look.
761
00:41:42,647 --> 00:41:44,367
Oh, nothing.
762
00:41:44,367 --> 00:41:46,323
Nothing at all.
763
00:41:48,687 --> 00:41:50,167
Are you smoking crack?
764
00:41:50,167 --> 00:41:53,955
No. You know, just high on. . . life.
765
00:42:04,247 --> 00:42:06,287
Oh, my God.
766
00:42:06,287 --> 00:42:10,447
I am horribly in love with her.
767
00:42:13,487 --> 00:42:16,957
You do know there's a large blue ball hidden in your wardrobe, don't you?
768
00:42:25,887 --> 00:42:27,447
l'm decent now.
769
00:42:27,447 --> 00:42:29,207
I think I'll be the judge of that.
770
00:42:29,207 --> 00:42:31,687
MARGARET: One minute, please. (Beatrice clears throat)
771
00:42:31,687 --> 00:42:33,207
Can I do you now, sir?
772
00:42:33,207 --> 00:42:35,887
No, thank you, Margaret. I think I'll manage by myself today.
773
00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:38,276
(Sullenly) Right. Fine.
774
00:42:40,407 --> 00:42:42,287
Tell me, do they give you a clothing allowance?
775
00:42:42,287 --> 00:42:43,607
Of course.
776
00:42:43,607 --> 00:42:47,087
What do you spend it on, then? lt can't all go on Scotch eggs and lager.
777
00:42:47,087 --> 00:42:49,760
You're absolutely right. This tie's awful, isn't it?
778
00:42:53,687 --> 00:42:56,407
. . . right, that. . .that. . .that's not it, is it?
779
00:42:56,407 --> 00:42:59,127
I say something mean to you, you say something mean to me
780
00:42:59,127 --> 00:43:02,247
and we go on from there until you can't think of anything to say.
781
00:43:02,247 --> 00:43:03,726
Those are the rules.
782
00:43:04,727 --> 00:43:06,487
Well, perhaps I've had enough of playing games.
783
00:43:06,487 --> 00:43:07,607
URSULA: 1 0 seconds.
784
00:43:07,607 --> 00:43:10,567
Nine, eight, seven, six. . .
785
00:43:10,567 --> 00:43:12,487
What is that supposed to mean?
786
00:43:12,487 --> 00:43:13,967
I think you know.
787
00:43:13,967 --> 00:43:15,727
Freak.
788
00:43:15,727 --> 00:43:17,007
And live on air.
789
00:43:17,007 --> 00:43:18,807
Good evening! Good evening!
790
00:43:18,807 --> 00:43:20,767
And right, left. . .
791
00:43:20,767 --> 00:43:22,247
I don't know about you, ladies.
792
00:43:22,247 --> 00:43:24,527
lt's like patting your head and rubbing your tummy, isn't it?
793
00:43:27,327 --> 00:43:29,761
Now you see my hips have gone all wrong now. (Laughs)
794
00:43:31,247 --> 00:43:34,327
They say belly-dancing is great exercise. Well, I can't vouch for that.
795
00:43:34,327 --> 00:43:37,567
What I can say is that I am completely exhausted. . .
796
00:43:37,567 --> 00:43:40,327
Four, three, two. . .
797
00:43:40,327 --> 00:43:42,007
BEATRlCE ON TAPE: Now back to the studio.
798
00:43:42,007 --> 00:43:43,487
PETER: Cut and cue. (Laughs)
799
00:43:43,487 --> 00:43:45,045
The things I do for this show.
800
00:43:47,007 --> 00:43:49,127
BENEDlCK: Wareham Women's lnstitute there,
801
00:43:49,127 --> 00:43:51,327
proving that it's not all about jam-making!
802
00:43:51,327 --> 00:43:54,447
Now, if any of you are still watching out there, it's time for Hero. . .
803
00:43:54,447 --> 00:43:57,527
You were tremendous, by the way. The way you move.
804
00:43:57,527 --> 00:44:00,127
Well, thank you. . . Benedick.
805
00:44:00,127 --> 00:44:02,167
That's, um. . .that's very kind of you.
806
00:44:02,167 --> 00:44:03,367
Now. . . No, really.
807
00:44:03,367 --> 00:44:04,847
Really, you shouldn't put yourself down.
808
00:44:04,847 --> 00:44:07,884
You were. . .wonderful, wonderful, way better than the others.
809
00:44:12,527 --> 00:44:14,165
That's my feeling, anyway.
810
00:44:17,727 --> 00:44:19,407
Hero. Weather.
811
00:44:19,407 --> 00:44:21,167
HERO: Thank you, Beatrice.
812
00:44:21,167 --> 00:44:24,927
Now, we've had some lovely photos sent in of the sunset tonight
813
00:44:24,927 --> 00:44:27,767
but if you're thinking about getting your barbecue out this weekend,
814
00:44:27,767 --> 00:44:29,247
then I'd think again.
815
00:44:29,247 --> 00:44:32,047
That's right, there's only one word for the weather this weekend,
816
00:44:32,047 --> 00:44:35,607
and that word is. . .very changeable.
817
00:44:39,647 --> 00:44:41,127
We need to talk.
818
00:44:41,127 --> 00:44:43,163
Can it wait till I've got my trousers on? No.
819
00:44:45,967 --> 00:44:47,727
(Sighs) We can't go on like this.
820
00:44:47,727 --> 00:44:50,047
I completely agree. You are driving me crazy.
821
00:44:50,047 --> 00:44:51,924
Well, if you'd let me get my trousers on!
822
00:44:52,167 --> 00:44:54,247
l'm serious, Benedick. Oh, no, I'm serious too.
823
00:44:54,247 --> 00:44:55,927
You've been making my life an absolute misery.
824
00:44:55,927 --> 00:44:59,007
I know, but I'm sorry.
825
00:44:59,007 --> 00:45:01,327
lf I'd known how you felt, Bea. . . Don't call me Bea.
826
00:45:01,327 --> 00:45:04,007
Now, look, we need to sit down, get this out in the open,
827
00:45:04,007 --> 00:45:07,287
see if we can come to some sort of mutually satisfying arrangement.
828
00:45:07,287 --> 00:45:10,247
Arrangement? Yes, an arrangement.
829
00:45:10,247 --> 00:45:15,487
Well, OK, I wouldn't have put it quite as clinically as that,
830
00:45:15,487 --> 00:45:17,847
but, well, if you want to fix a date.
831
00:45:17,847 --> 00:45:19,807
Well, what's wrong with now?.
832
00:45:19,807 --> 00:45:21,487
Now?. Yes. Now, right here.
833
00:45:21,487 --> 00:45:23,007
Let's do it right here.
834
00:45:23,007 --> 00:45:24,727
OK, um. . . (Laughs)
835
00:45:24,727 --> 00:45:28,447
But shouldn't l, I don't know, buy you dinner or something first?
836
00:45:28,447 --> 00:45:29,447
What?
837
00:45:29,447 --> 00:45:31,487
Or we could go to your place? My place?
838
00:45:31,487 --> 00:45:33,167
Yeah. Or a hotel?
839
00:45:33,167 --> 00:45:35,767
Why would we want to go to a hotel? A nice hotel.
840
00:45:35,767 --> 00:45:38,567
No! No. No, not tonight, then.
841
00:45:38,567 --> 00:45:41,127
There isn't time now. lt's Hero's bloody hen night.
842
00:45:42,287 --> 00:45:44,287
l'm mother hen.
843
00:45:44,287 --> 00:45:45,927
l'm going to hell in a stretch limo.
844
00:45:45,927 --> 00:45:47,447
Well, don't go. l've got to go.
845
00:45:47,447 --> 00:45:49,207
Somebody's got to carry all the sex-toys.
846
00:45:52,047 --> 00:45:54,887
Look, I'm going to see you this weekend at the wedding,
847
00:45:54,887 --> 00:45:57,799
so why don't we try and find some time to talk things through then?
848
00:45:59,407 --> 00:46:00,396
Fine.
849
00:46:01,647 --> 00:46:04,002
Suits you, by the way. What suits me?
850
00:46:06,487 --> 00:46:07,966
Goodnight, Benedick.
851
00:46:20,530 --> 00:46:26,767
dear Don: Just a little reminder of me. love, Hero
852
00:46:26,767 --> 00:46:29,047
( DOOR OPENS ) HERO: Don! Working late?
853
00:46:29,047 --> 00:46:30,844
Just odd bits and pieces, you know.
854
00:46:32,127 --> 00:46:33,967
Car's here. Coming.
855
00:46:33,967 --> 00:46:35,446
How do I look?
856
00:46:36,727 --> 00:46:38,207
Like an angel.
857
00:46:38,207 --> 00:46:41,040
See you at the church, then! (Sadly) See you at the church.
858
00:46:45,327 --> 00:46:47,367
My name is Bergerac. Bureau Des Etrangers.
859
00:46:47,367 --> 00:46:51,567
Bergerac, Bergerac, Bergerac.
860
00:46:51,567 --> 00:46:54,727
The Bureau Des Etrangers, Miss Vale, is a branch of the Jersey police,
861
00:46:54,727 --> 00:46:56,407
as I'm sure you know perfectly well.
862
00:46:56,407 --> 00:46:58,447
WOMAN ON TV: Why on earth should I know that?
863
00:46:58,447 --> 00:47:02,047
MR BERRY: Hello, hello. Oh, no, my friend.
864
00:47:02,047 --> 00:47:03,878
Don't even think about it.
865
00:47:05,007 --> 00:47:06,486
Cover me.
866
00:47:09,807 --> 00:47:12,407
Don't drink too much. Oh, stony-cold sober.
867
00:47:12,407 --> 00:47:14,047
Don't flirt. I wouldn't dare.
868
00:47:14,047 --> 00:47:16,287
And if guys start coming up to you and hassling you. . .
869
00:47:16,287 --> 00:47:19,767
Claude, you're jealous! Yeah, of course I'm jealous.
870
00:47:19,767 --> 00:47:22,847
A fiance's meant to be jealous! Jealous, not insane.
871
00:47:22,847 --> 00:47:25,767
I can look after myself. Just trust me, OK?
872
00:47:25,767 --> 00:47:27,487
MARGARET: We are leaving without you.
873
00:47:27,487 --> 00:47:28,967
One minute!
874
00:47:28,967 --> 00:47:31,607
Just remember, I love you.
875
00:47:31,607 --> 00:47:33,247
Oh, very, very much.
876
00:47:33,247 --> 00:47:36,007
And I can't wait to be married to you.
877
00:47:36,007 --> 00:47:39,047
What's the forecast? Oh, it's going to be a beautifuI day.
878
00:47:39,047 --> 00:47:41,367
Sorry to interrupt. You forgot this.
879
00:47:41,367 --> 00:47:43,287
Oh, Don, thank you, you've saved my life.
880
00:47:43,287 --> 00:47:44,847
Look, I've got to run. OK.
881
00:47:44,847 --> 00:47:46,607
OK. Mmm, OK.
882
00:47:46,607 --> 00:47:48,807
See you. Be good!
883
00:47:48,807 --> 00:47:50,559
l'll try!
884
00:47:58,767 --> 00:48:00,246
Problem?
885
00:48:08,487 --> 00:48:09,967
Benedick. MARGARET: Benedick.
886
00:48:09,967 --> 00:48:11,607
Benedick, absolutely.
887
00:48:11,607 --> 00:48:13,847
Who's Benedick - that guy on your show?.
888
00:48:13,847 --> 00:48:16,167
That's the one. Oh, yeah, Benedick definitely.
889
00:48:16,167 --> 00:48:18,847
What is it about him, do you think? URSULA: Sense of humour.
890
00:48:18,847 --> 00:48:22,007
Why do people always say 'sense of humour' when they mean 'sex'?
891
00:48:22,007 --> 00:48:23,487
Change the subject, anyone.
892
00:48:23,487 --> 00:48:25,887
He just has this air, like he'd know his way around.
893
00:48:25,887 --> 00:48:27,607
BEATRlCE: Middle East? GlobaI warming?
894
00:48:27,607 --> 00:48:30,687
Enthusiastic, a bit dirty, a laugh.
895
00:48:30,687 --> 00:48:34,007
Maybe it's the way he stares at your breasts when he's talking to you.
896
00:48:34,007 --> 00:48:35,527
MARGARET: I don't mind that.
897
00:48:35,527 --> 00:48:37,006
Well, I don't!
898
00:48:38,087 --> 00:48:39,687
Beatrice, your turn.
899
00:48:39,687 --> 00:48:41,727
Can't we play something different?
900
00:48:41,727 --> 00:48:43,927
Chess or something? Come on, play the game.
901
00:48:43,927 --> 00:48:45,767
Otherwise you'll have to do the forfeit.
902
00:48:45,767 --> 00:48:47,687
Yes!
903
00:48:47,687 --> 00:48:49,487
Fine. Fine.
904
00:48:53,287 --> 00:48:55,327
Now, if you'll excuse me, l, um. . .
905
00:48:55,327 --> 00:48:58,527
..I just have to. . . make a phone-call or something.
906
00:49:02,287 --> 00:49:03,879
Phase two? Let's do it.
907
00:49:13,487 --> 00:49:15,607
Well, I think it's a crying shame.
908
00:49:15,607 --> 00:49:17,887
MARGARET: He loves her so much.
909
00:49:17,887 --> 00:49:19,687
Claude says it's all he talks about.
910
00:49:19,687 --> 00:49:22,967
lt's the way he looks at her on air that breaks my heart.
911
00:49:22,967 --> 00:49:25,967
Such yearning. There's so much love there.
912
00:49:25,967 --> 00:49:29,487
Sometimes he says he's talking to her and it's, you know, all he can do
913
00:49:29,487 --> 00:49:33,607
not to just take hold of her and kiss her.
914
00:49:33,607 --> 00:49:35,404
Hard. On the mouth.
915
00:49:36,407 --> 00:49:38,247
That's what he told Claude, anyway.
916
00:49:38,247 --> 00:49:39,727
So why doesn't he just tell her?
917
00:49:39,727 --> 00:49:41,727
HERO: There's no point. You know how proud she is.
918
00:49:41,727 --> 00:49:43,487
URSULA: And such an attractive woman too.
919
00:49:43,487 --> 00:49:45,087
MARGARET: Yeah, she is now.
920
00:49:45,087 --> 00:49:47,847
But that whole Katharine Hepburn ice-queen act
921
00:49:47,847 --> 00:49:50,687
won't be looking so clever in five years' time.
922
00:49:50,687 --> 00:49:53,487
lf she's not careful, she'll turn into one of those women
923
00:49:53,487 --> 00:49:56,527
whose idea of a wild night is a really big tub of hummus.
924
00:49:56,527 --> 00:49:58,367
URSULA: Margaret! MARGARET: Have you noticed?
925
00:49:58,367 --> 00:50:00,647
She's getting these lines like little bitter wrinkles,
926
00:50:00,647 --> 00:50:04,487
like brackets round her mouth from sneering all the time.
927
00:50:04,487 --> 00:50:06,527
Well, if she's so bloody smart,
928
00:50:06,527 --> 00:50:09,047
why doesn't she treat him with a bit of respect
929
00:50:09,047 --> 00:50:11,367
instead of looking down her nose at him all the time,
930
00:50:11,367 --> 00:50:13,881
the stuck-up, frigid old cow?.
931
00:50:17,847 --> 00:50:19,447
Having said all that,
932
00:50:19,447 --> 00:50:22,484
I must emphasise that I really do like her tremendously.
933
00:50:23,687 --> 00:50:25,167
URSULA: Can anyone smell smoke?
934
00:50:25,167 --> 00:50:27,487
MARGARET: Oh, God, she's not in here, is she?
935
00:50:27,487 --> 00:50:30,407
HERO: Beatrice? No, I think she went outside for some fresh air.
936
00:50:30,407 --> 00:50:32,287
MARGARET: Beatrice! Come out, come out wherever you are!
937
00:50:32,287 --> 00:50:34,847
Ooh, check under the cubicle door!
938
00:50:36,287 --> 00:50:38,127
MARGARET: Let's go. Let's go, shall we?
939
00:50:47,527 --> 00:50:49,006
He loves me.
940
00:50:51,767 --> 00:50:53,758
Well, it makes sense, I suppose.
941
00:50:55,727 --> 00:50:58,647
Maybe I have been a bit too harsh on him.
942
00:50:58,647 --> 00:51:00,126
Bit cold maybe.
943
00:51:01,967 --> 00:51:04,276
No reason why I can't be at least. . .
944
00:51:06,047 --> 00:51:07,526
..civil.
945
00:51:09,407 --> 00:51:12,240
After all, people can change, can't they?
946
00:51:15,767 --> 00:51:17,246
lt is possible.
947
00:51:25,767 --> 00:51:27,247
Here. Allow me.
948
00:51:27,247 --> 00:51:28,727
No, no. I can manage, really.
949
00:51:28,727 --> 00:51:30,126
Oh, my God.
950
00:51:31,127 --> 00:51:32,647
What? You've changed.
951
00:51:32,647 --> 00:51:35,207
I mean, you've sha. . .you've shaved.
952
00:51:35,207 --> 00:51:37,047
What's happened to your hair? Oh!
953
00:51:37,047 --> 00:51:38,607
lt's just a bit of. . .dab of product.
954
00:51:38,607 --> 00:51:40,567
Oh, product, right. Do you approve?
955
00:51:40,567 --> 00:51:43,527
Yeah. You look, um. . . better.
956
00:51:43,527 --> 00:51:45,757
Well, good.
957
00:51:47,967 --> 00:51:49,527
Are you together? BOTH: No.
958
00:51:49,527 --> 00:51:51,967
No, no. (Laughs) No.
959
00:51:51,967 --> 00:51:54,567
This is Beatrice Evans. And this is Benedick Taylor.
960
00:51:54,567 --> 00:51:57,927
Yes, I recognise the gentleman.
961
00:51:57,927 --> 00:51:59,927
From the telly when I was a kid.
962
00:51:59,927 --> 00:52:02,487
He used to do the bit between the shows.
963
00:52:02,487 --> 00:52:05,407
The mascot? The little toy bunny.
964
00:52:07,087 --> 00:52:08,927
Billy.
965
00:52:08,927 --> 00:52:11,687
Billy the Bunny's Birthday Club.
966
00:52:11,687 --> 00:52:14,407
Yes, I have. . . I've done other stuff since.
967
00:52:14,407 --> 00:52:18,407
You know, more serious, journalistic. . .
968
00:52:18,407 --> 00:52:20,407
lt's not. . .funny! No.
969
00:52:20,407 --> 00:52:22,247
I have you in adjoining rooms.
970
00:52:22,247 --> 00:52:23,727
BOTH: Adjoining rooms?
971
00:52:23,727 --> 00:52:26,321
I can put you in different rooms, if you'd prefer.
972
00:52:28,207 --> 00:52:29,687
Oh. . . Oh, I don't mind.
973
00:52:29,687 --> 00:52:31,567
Don't think that'll be necessary. lf you don't mind.
974
00:52:31,567 --> 00:52:33,478
There's a lock, isn't there? I believe so.
975
00:52:49,683 --> 00:52:51,127
BYE THEN BYE
976
00:52:59,687 --> 00:53:01,167
Ooh! Oh, I'm sorry.
977
00:53:01,167 --> 00:53:02,567
So I'll see you. . .
978
00:53:02,567 --> 00:53:04,287
Sorry, you were saying? No, you go fir. . .
979
00:53:05,767 --> 00:53:07,247
So are you. . . What?
980
00:53:07,247 --> 00:53:08,767
Are you going down for dinner?
981
00:53:08,767 --> 00:53:10,887
No, no, I thought I'd get room service.
982
00:53:10,887 --> 00:53:13,247
Oh, OK.
983
00:53:13,247 --> 00:53:15,447
What were you going to say? Um. . .
984
00:53:15,447 --> 00:53:17,278
Oh, I was going to say. . .
985
00:53:19,407 --> 00:53:20,887
..see you in the morning.
986
00:53:20,887 --> 00:53:22,366
Oh. OK.
987
00:53:23,567 --> 00:53:24,927
See you in the morning.
988
00:53:24,927 --> 00:53:26,287
'Bye then.
989
00:53:26,287 --> 00:53:27,481
'Bye.
990
00:53:29,647 --> 00:53:32,196
'Night.
991
00:54:01,847 --> 00:54:03,407
Claude?
992
00:54:03,407 --> 00:54:05,287
Don. Don! Don!
993
00:54:05,287 --> 00:54:09,326
Don, Don, Don, my old mate, good to see you. How are you?
994
00:54:11,367 --> 00:54:14,167
I need to have a quick word. Can we go somewhere private?
995
00:54:14,167 --> 00:54:15,156
Yeah.
996
00:54:16,407 --> 00:54:17,886
You're lying.
997
00:54:18,887 --> 00:54:23,447
lf you could just let me down, we could talk this over properly.
998
00:54:23,447 --> 00:54:26,967
There's nothing to talk about because it's all lies.
999
00:54:26,967 --> 00:54:28,446
Just one minute?
1000
00:54:34,607 --> 00:54:36,325
You must have seen us talking, Claude.
1001
00:54:37,327 --> 00:54:41,967
At work, you've never noticed us talking?
1002
00:54:41,967 --> 00:54:44,322
She feels sorry for you.
1003
00:54:45,327 --> 00:54:46,840
She gave me these photos.
1004
00:54:48,727 --> 00:54:52,447
We don't get to see each other very much, so she gives me these.
1005
00:54:52,447 --> 00:54:54,165
She's written on the back, see?
1006
00:54:56,647 --> 00:54:59,036
She's wearing her swimming costume in this one.
1007
00:55:00,447 --> 00:55:02,722
Very, very beautifuI girl, don't you think?
1008
00:55:05,807 --> 00:55:07,367
Mmm, you stole these.
1009
00:55:07,367 --> 00:55:11,527
You must have stolen these and forged the writing.
1010
00:55:11,527 --> 00:55:13,887
Text messages. . .
1011
00:55:13,887 --> 00:55:15,718
..sent from her phone.
1012
00:55:18,007 --> 00:55:21,007
This one's on her hen night.
1013
00:55:21,007 --> 00:55:23,327
''l'll be home later.
1014
00:55:23,327 --> 00:55:25,283
''Come and see me. I can't wait.''
1015
00:55:28,247 --> 00:55:30,317
lt is a lot to take in, I know.
1016
00:55:31,687 --> 00:55:33,325
Surprised me too, if I'm honest.
1017
00:55:35,047 --> 00:55:38,487
I know I'm not a very attractive person,
1018
00:55:38,487 --> 00:55:40,927
or loveable,
1019
00:55:40,927 --> 00:55:41,967
likeable even.
1020
00:55:41,967 --> 00:55:43,685
But Hero. . .
1021
00:55:45,247 --> 00:55:47,087
..she sees something.
1022
00:55:47,087 --> 00:55:49,887
God knows what, but. . .
1023
00:55:49,887 --> 00:55:51,366
..she sees it.
1024
00:55:56,127 --> 00:56:00,807
I want you to know that she's always been very, very fond of you.
1025
00:56:00,807 --> 00:56:03,647
And. . . um. . .
1026
00:56:03,647 --> 00:56:05,763
if you wanted, you could probably still get married. . .
1027
00:56:09,207 --> 00:56:11,767
Come with me now to her room,
1028
00:56:11,767 --> 00:56:14,087
watch what happens
1029
00:56:14,087 --> 00:56:16,203
and then you can make up your own mind.
1030
00:57:18,967 --> 00:57:21,767
(Switches tap on) Who is it?
1031
00:57:21,767 --> 00:57:23,927
Well. . . me.
1032
00:57:28,167 --> 00:57:30,007
Right. (Laughs awkwardly)
1033
00:57:33,007 --> 00:57:34,647
Come in.
1034
00:57:39,887 --> 00:57:42,927
Yeah, I just. . . I'm just cleaning my teeth over here.
1035
00:57:42,927 --> 00:57:44,727
ln the. . . ln. . . ln the bathroom.
1036
00:57:44,727 --> 00:57:46,287
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'll. . .
1037
00:57:46,287 --> 00:57:48,403
No, no, no. Mmm. Mmm-mmm.
1038
00:57:53,607 --> 00:57:55,367
You sure I'm not disturbing you?
1039
00:57:55,367 --> 00:57:56,847
No. No.
1040
00:57:56,847 --> 00:57:58,327
No, not at all.
1041
00:57:58,327 --> 00:58:00,487
Yes, there was just something I wanted to ask you.
1042
00:58:00,487 --> 00:58:03,567
Um, you know this speech tomorrow. . .
1043
00:58:03,567 --> 00:58:06,727
You know, everyone's expecting all kinds of laddy humour
1044
00:58:06,727 --> 00:58:09,967
and, you know, I just wanted to challenge people's prejudices
1045
00:58:09,967 --> 00:58:13,437
and read a Shakespeare sonnet instead.
1046
00:58:14,887 --> 00:58:16,367
Very original. lsn't it?
1047
00:58:16,367 --> 00:58:19,996
So I've. . . I've found this poem and, um. . .
1048
00:58:21,087 --> 00:58:23,287
I just wanted to make absolutely sure I understand it
1049
00:58:23,287 --> 00:58:25,847
and you're a lot smarter about this stuff than me, so. . .
1050
00:58:25,847 --> 00:58:28,767
Go on. So I just wanted to say it for you.
1051
00:58:28,767 --> 00:58:29,836
To you.
1052
00:58:31,007 --> 00:58:32,847
ls that OK?
1053
00:58:34,487 --> 00:58:36,567
A poetry recital.
1054
00:58:36,567 --> 00:58:38,447
I know.
1055
00:58:38,447 --> 00:58:40,517
l'm a mass of contradictions.
1056
00:58:42,567 --> 00:58:44,807
So, um. . .
1057
00:58:44,807 --> 00:58:46,527
..you have to promise not to laugh.
1058
00:58:46,527 --> 00:58:48,207
Can't promise that.
1059
00:58:48,207 --> 00:58:50,277
OK, here goes. (Clears throat)
1060
00:58:52,647 --> 00:58:55,047
''ls this a dagger that I see before me?'' Joke!
1061
00:58:55,047 --> 00:58:57,287
Oh. (Laughs) Joke.
1062
00:58:57,287 --> 00:58:59,118
This is the one here.
1063
00:59:00,847 --> 00:59:03,127
Uh. . .Sonnet 1 1 6.
1064
00:59:03,127 --> 00:59:04,207
''Let me not. . .
1065
00:59:04,207 --> 00:59:08,287
''To the marriage of true minds admit impediments.''
1066
00:59:08,287 --> 00:59:10,039
God, you're clever.
1067
00:59:12,447 --> 00:59:15,847
lt's an echo of the bit in the wedding ceremony.
1068
00:59:15,847 --> 00:59:19,647
lt means, um. . . he, the poet,
1069
00:59:19,647 --> 00:59:24,927
refuses to accept any reason why two people who are. . .
1070
00:59:24,927 --> 00:59:27,282
Compatible? Shouldn't be together.
1071
00:59:33,047 --> 00:59:38,007
''Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.''
1072
00:59:38,007 --> 00:59:40,441
Uh, true love is constant.
1073
00:59:42,287 --> 00:59:45,647
''Or bends with the remover to remove.''
1074
00:59:45,647 --> 00:59:48,647
And you can't stop loving somebody
1075
00:59:48,647 --> 00:59:50,399
just because they stop loving you.
1076
00:59:54,967 --> 00:59:58,447
''O, no!'' Meaning. . .''Oh, no!''
1077
00:59:59,927 --> 01:00:03,007
''lt is an ever-fixed. . .''
1078
01:00:03,007 --> 01:00:07,087
Ooh. Or you could say 'fix-ed'.
1079
01:00:07,087 --> 01:00:09,047
The rhythm, it's iambic.
1080
01:00:09,047 --> 01:00:10,847
Fix-ed. Fix-ed.
1081
01:00:10,847 --> 01:00:13,847
''..fix-ed mark
1082
01:00:13,847 --> 01:00:18,079
''that looks on tempests and is never shaken.
1083
01:00:19,367 --> 01:00:22,567
''lt is the star to every wand'ring bark
1084
01:00:22,567 --> 01:00:27,247
''Whose worth's unknown although his height be taken.''
1085
01:00:27,247 --> 01:00:29,207
Yes, now, a bark is a ship.
1086
01:00:29,207 --> 01:00:33,047
lt's a seafaring metaphor, navigation.
1087
01:00:33,047 --> 01:00:37,847
This thing, love, is as constant as the Northern Star.
1088
01:00:37,847 --> 01:00:39,407
lt's always there looking over you,
1089
01:00:39,407 --> 01:00:43,967
no matter how lost you are, or. . .or. . .or. . .or how confusing.
1090
01:00:43,967 --> 01:00:46,765
You look awkward stood there. Do you want to come and sit here?
1091
01:00:54,447 --> 01:00:56,887
Ooh, yes, now, this next bit's beautiful.
1092
01:00:58,927 --> 01:01:01,007
''Love's not Time's fool,
1093
01:01:01,007 --> 01:01:05,567
''Though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come.''
1094
01:01:07,327 --> 01:01:09,602
Meaning that, uh...um. . .
1095
01:01:11,607 --> 01:01:14,007
..even though we or. . .
1096
01:01:14,007 --> 01:01:17,927
..or people in general might get a bit knackered,
1097
01:01:17,927 --> 01:01:22,398
we, or they, will still fancy each other.
1098
01:01:23,967 --> 01:01:25,607
Well, you're paraphrasing, obviously.
1099
01:01:25,607 --> 01:01:27,723
Yeah, I'm paraphrasing.
1100
01:01:29,887 --> 01:01:38,687
Um. . .''Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks
1101
01:01:38,687 --> 01:01:41,440
''But bears it out even to the edge of doom.''
1102
01:01:42,847 --> 01:01:48,167
Um. . .''Till death do us part'' - the wedding vows.
1103
01:01:48,167 --> 01:01:50,247
Exactly.
1104
01:01:50,247 --> 01:01:53,647
''lf this be error and upon me prov'd,
1105
01:01:53,647 --> 01:01:56,327
''I never writ. . .''
1106
01:01:56,327 --> 01:01:59,842
''Nor no man ever lov'd.''
1107
01:02:03,687 --> 01:02:05,287
Except he did write it.
1108
01:02:05,287 --> 01:02:07,687
And men. . . have fallen in love before.
1109
01:02:07,687 --> 01:02:09,767
So therefore. . . Shakespeare must be right.
1110
01:02:09,767 --> 01:02:11,246
Exactly.
1111
01:02:17,287 --> 01:02:18,925
We should go to bed.
1112
01:02:22,447 --> 01:02:24,483
Except I'm already in bed.
1113
01:02:32,647 --> 01:02:34,126
So you are.
1114
01:02:41,007 --> 01:02:41,996
Yep.
1115
01:02:45,447 --> 01:02:47,005
'Night.
1116
01:02:51,927 --> 01:02:53,887
Uh, you know, sweet sorrow and all that.
1117
01:02:53,887 --> 01:02:55,479
Yes! Goodnight.
1118
01:02:57,447 --> 01:02:58,926
Benedick?
1119
01:03:02,327 --> 01:03:03,555
Nice poem.
1120
01:03:21,887 --> 01:03:24,007
Don, it's very late. I know, I know.
1121
01:03:24,007 --> 01:03:25,527
I really ought to get some sleep.
1122
01:03:25,527 --> 01:03:28,047
l'm sorry, it's just, uh. . .
1123
01:03:28,047 --> 01:03:30,167
Well...l've had a bit to drink
1124
01:03:30,167 --> 01:03:33,647
and what with the talk about the wedding and everything,
1125
01:03:33,647 --> 01:03:35,927
I got to thinking about my ex.
1126
01:03:35,927 --> 01:03:37,076
Oh, Don.
1127
01:03:42,407 --> 01:03:44,921
I just need to talk to someone. Just for a minute?
1128
01:03:59,487 --> 01:04:01,527
Oh, so this is it -
1129
01:04:01,527 --> 01:04:03,245
the famous dress.
1130
01:04:06,687 --> 01:04:08,847
You don't think it's too much?
1131
01:04:08,847 --> 01:04:11,687
Beatrice says it makes me look like a snow-drift.
1132
01:04:11,687 --> 01:04:14,167
(Laughs) She's just jealous.
1133
01:04:14,167 --> 01:04:15,964
You're going to look beautiful.
1134
01:04:16,967 --> 01:04:21,407
lsn't it, um, bad luck to see the wedding dress before the big day?
1135
01:04:21,407 --> 01:04:23,087
Only if you were marrying me.
1136
01:04:23,087 --> 01:04:25,237
( PHONE RlNGS ) l'd better get that.
1137
01:04:28,567 --> 01:04:31,527
lt's Claude. Best not tell him I'm here, eh?
1138
01:04:31,527 --> 01:04:33,438
Don't want him to get the wrong idea.
1139
01:04:37,087 --> 01:04:39,127
Hello? Hello there.
1140
01:04:39,127 --> 01:04:41,007
Claude, I thought we agreed. . .
1141
01:04:41,007 --> 01:04:44,317
No, I know, I just wanted to hear your voice.
1142
01:04:45,367 --> 01:04:48,247
What are you doing? Getting ready for bed.
1143
01:04:48,247 --> 01:04:50,247
Anyone with you? Like who?
1144
01:04:50,247 --> 01:04:53,637
I mean, Margaret or Beatrice or anyone.
1145
01:04:55,487 --> 01:04:56,966
No, I'm by myself.
1146
01:05:05,327 --> 01:05:07,247
l'm thinking about you, though.
1147
01:05:07,247 --> 01:05:09,767
(Sadly) Are you?
1148
01:05:09,767 --> 01:05:11,327
Of course I am.
1149
01:05:11,327 --> 01:05:13,367
Claude, are you alright? Yeah, I'm fine.
1150
01:05:13,367 --> 01:05:16,647
You. . .just sound a little distant.
1151
01:05:16,647 --> 01:05:19,480
You're not phoning to say the wedding's off or anything like that, are you?
1152
01:05:20,727 --> 01:05:22,687
No.
1153
01:05:22,687 --> 01:05:24,527
I was just, uh. . .
1154
01:05:24,527 --> 01:05:26,647
phoning for the latest forecast, actually.
1155
01:05:26,647 --> 01:05:29,087
Oh, I see.
1156
01:05:29,087 --> 01:05:33,407
Bright sun and clear skies to start,
1157
01:05:33,407 --> 01:05:37,007
then cloud starting to form, patchy showers later.
1158
01:05:37,007 --> 01:05:39,047
Rain? No, no. Don't worry, it won't rain.
1159
01:05:39,047 --> 01:05:40,847
Beatrice forbids it.
1160
01:05:40,847 --> 01:05:44,287
And even if it does,
1161
01:05:44,287 --> 01:05:46,687
we won't let anything spoil our day, will we?
1162
01:05:46,687 --> 01:05:48,643
No. Of course not.
1163
01:05:50,927 --> 01:05:52,758
l'm very happy, Claude.
1164
01:05:54,127 --> 01:05:55,606
Me too.
1165
01:05:56,527 --> 01:05:58,447
l'm very happy too.
1166
01:05:58,447 --> 01:06:00,887
Tomorrow then?
1167
01:06:00,887 --> 01:06:02,639
CLAUDE: Tomorrow.
1168
01:06:14,247 --> 01:06:16,124
Sorry I'm late, I couldn't get the alarm to. . .
1169
01:06:18,007 --> 01:06:19,687
You're not going like that, are you?
1170
01:06:26,967 --> 01:06:28,447
Beautiful.
1171
01:06:28,447 --> 01:06:29,926
Just so. . .
1172
01:06:31,167 --> 01:06:33,203
(Laughs) ..beautiful.
1173
01:06:57,287 --> 01:06:59,487
Where were you last night, lover boy? Keeping me waiting?
1174
01:06:59,487 --> 01:07:00,967
(Laughs) How d'you mean?
1175
01:07:00,967 --> 01:07:03,647
Well, you know how it is - you're in a nice hotel,
1176
01:07:03,647 --> 01:07:06,327
you've had a couple of drinks, a warm, fragrant bath,
1177
01:07:06,327 --> 01:07:08,367
your mind starts to wander. . .
1178
01:07:08,367 --> 01:07:10,247
Do me up, will you? Hmm?
1179
01:07:10,247 --> 01:07:12,687
l've come undone again. Oh.
1180
01:07:12,687 --> 01:07:16,247
You know, Ben, I'm starting to think you don't love me anymore.
1181
01:07:16,247 --> 01:07:19,367
ln fact, I think your affections lie elsewhere.
1182
01:07:19,367 --> 01:07:21,847
PETER: OK, lf everybody could start taking their places, please. . .
1183
01:07:21,847 --> 01:07:24,202
Sorry, that's my job, isn't it? Yes, it is.
1184
01:07:25,567 --> 01:07:28,967
lf I could just have a. . . Just give me one second.
1185
01:07:28,967 --> 01:07:30,567
They're on their way.
1186
01:07:30,567 --> 01:07:33,647
Mr Armitage, there have been a number of strange occurrences.
1187
01:07:33,647 --> 01:07:35,447
We've taken the liberty of jotting them down. . .
1188
01:07:35,447 --> 01:07:39,687
Can this wait, Mr Berry? I am about to give away my only child.
1189
01:07:39,687 --> 01:07:40,847
I understand that.
1190
01:07:40,847 --> 01:07:43,247
lt's just that my deputy, young Vincent, was on patroI last night
1191
01:07:43,247 --> 01:07:44,727
and he overheard something.
1192
01:07:44,727 --> 01:07:47,247
Now, Vince, tell him exactly what you told me.
1193
01:07:47,247 --> 01:07:49,715
Sorry, can you start taking your places in the church, please?
1194
01:08:06,007 --> 01:08:08,087
Remember, if you want to bail out at any moment,
1195
01:08:08,087 --> 01:08:10,123
give me the word, we'll make a run for it.
1196
01:08:12,287 --> 01:08:14,807
ls this helping you to relax in any way at all?
1197
01:09:01,687 --> 01:09:03,887
You're so beautiful.
1198
01:09:03,887 --> 01:09:05,447
Thank you.
1199
01:09:05,447 --> 01:09:07,487
l'm sorry.
1200
01:09:07,487 --> 01:09:09,159
Don't be daft. What for?
1201
01:09:10,727 --> 01:09:12,207
Claude, you're shaking!
1202
01:09:12,207 --> 01:09:17,207
Dear friends, we are gathered here today before the congregation,
1203
01:09:17,207 --> 01:09:21,447
to join together this man and woman in holy matrimony.
1204
01:09:21,447 --> 01:09:25,527
Marriage is a solemn vow made in the sight of God.
1205
01:09:25,527 --> 01:09:30,327
Therefore, if any person can show any just cause or impediment
1206
01:09:30,327 --> 01:09:34,927
why this man and this woman may not lawfully be joined together,
1207
01:09:34,927 --> 01:09:38,442
let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
1208
01:09:40,607 --> 01:09:41,687
I do.
1209
01:09:43,967 --> 01:09:46,487
'I do' comes later. Remember?
1210
01:09:46,487 --> 01:09:48,607
So we'll just proceed with the service, shall we?
1211
01:09:48,607 --> 01:09:51,367
That's right. Bad joke. Carry on. Right.
1212
01:09:51,367 --> 01:09:54,767
l'm sorry, but I do know of an impediment.
1213
01:09:54,767 --> 01:09:57,767
Can you think of one, Hero?
1214
01:09:57,767 --> 01:09:58,767
No.
1215
01:09:58,767 --> 01:10:00,687
What? Nothing at all?
1216
01:10:00,687 --> 01:10:02,647
Come on, think.
1217
01:10:02,647 --> 01:10:04,367
lt's obvious really.
1218
01:10:04,367 --> 01:10:06,687
Stop this, please, Claude.
1219
01:10:06,687 --> 01:10:10,127
OK, here's a clue.
1220
01:10:10,127 --> 01:10:12,047
How about lying? This really isn't funny, Claude.
1221
01:10:12,047 --> 01:10:16,727
How about the fact that she's a lying, cheating, scheming, deceitfuI bitch. . .?
1222
01:10:16,727 --> 01:10:18,047
What did you say?
1223
01:10:18,047 --> 01:10:19,807
You're here to give her away, Leonard, right?
1224
01:10:19,807 --> 01:10:21,927
Yes, but. . . Well, I don't want her.
1225
01:10:21,927 --> 01:10:24,007
She's rotten goods.
1226
01:10:24,007 --> 01:10:25,487
Here, you can take her back!
1227
01:10:25,487 --> 01:10:27,247
Hey! Claude, that's enough, mate!
1228
01:10:27,247 --> 01:10:31,407
Oh, look at her! The blushing bride, all innocent.
1229
01:10:31,407 --> 01:10:34,407
You'd never guess from that face what a dishonest little tart she really is!
1230
01:10:34,407 --> 01:10:36,247
Come here, you. . .
1231
01:10:36,247 --> 01:10:38,087
HERO: I don't understand. Why are you doing this?
1232
01:10:38,087 --> 01:10:40,007
I know the truth, Hero!
1233
01:10:40,007 --> 01:10:43,727
I know about the two of you - the secret meetings,
1234
01:10:43,727 --> 01:10:47,447
the picnics on the beach, the messages, the photographs. . .
1235
01:10:47,447 --> 01:10:49,287
What messages, what photographs?
1236
01:10:49,287 --> 01:10:51,967
I saw him go to your room, Hero.
1237
01:10:51,967 --> 01:10:55,927
I saw you kiss him, saw you put your arms around him.
1238
01:10:55,927 --> 01:10:57,804
I was waiting outside.
1239
01:10:59,847 --> 01:11:01,767
The night before your wedding, Hero?
1240
01:11:01,767 --> 01:11:05,527
Who? Don? Are you talking about Don?
1241
01:11:05,527 --> 01:11:07,087
Sorry, Hero.
1242
01:11:07,087 --> 01:11:08,727
I had to tell him.
1243
01:11:08,727 --> 01:11:09,807
That Don?
1244
01:11:09,807 --> 01:11:13,767
Was he or wasn't he in your room last night?
1245
01:11:13,767 --> 01:11:15,247
No!
1246
01:11:15,247 --> 01:11:16,727
I mean, yes.
1247
01:11:16,727 --> 01:11:19,167
Yes, he came to my room, but just to talk.
1248
01:11:19,167 --> 01:11:21,167
He said he felt lonely, I felt sorry for him.
1249
01:11:21,167 --> 01:11:22,767
Felt sorry for him?!
1250
01:11:22,767 --> 01:11:26,487
Oh, that's a good one. And how many other men have you felt sorry for!
1251
01:11:26,487 --> 01:11:28,447
Stop this, Claude, you're being ridiculous.
1252
01:11:28,447 --> 01:11:31,280
Alright! Alright, one more question then. Answer me this.
1253
01:11:33,647 --> 01:11:35,126
Have you slept with him?
1254
01:11:36,207 --> 01:11:38,767
Deny it. Go on, here in church.
1255
01:11:41,047 --> 01:11:42,526
Please, Hero.
1256
01:11:43,727 --> 01:11:46,400
I want so much for you to deny it.
1257
01:11:47,967 --> 01:11:49,446
Answer him, sweetheart.
1258
01:11:54,967 --> 01:11:56,764
I thought you loved me, Claude.
1259
01:11:58,607 --> 01:12:00,916
lf you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me.
1260
01:12:02,567 --> 01:12:04,683
And you've broken my heart, Claude.
1261
01:12:05,727 --> 01:12:07,207
You complete pillock!
1262
01:12:07,207 --> 01:12:08,887
She didn't deny it, Leonard. PETER: Leonard, Leonard.
1263
01:12:08,887 --> 01:12:10,366
CLAUDE: She didn't deny it!
1264
01:12:40,247 --> 01:12:41,919
They've taken her back to the hotel.
1265
01:12:43,687 --> 01:12:45,245
Try and calm her down.
1266
01:12:46,887 --> 01:12:48,366
I can't believe I wrote a speech!
1267
01:12:53,287 --> 01:12:55,327
Generally speaking, though, I think it all went pretty well. . .
1268
01:12:55,327 --> 01:12:57,007
Please, Ben. . .
1269
01:12:57,007 --> 01:12:58,887
You're crying.
1270
01:12:58,887 --> 01:13:01,207
Yes,
1271
01:13:01,207 --> 01:13:04,527
and I intend to cry a little longer.
1272
01:13:04,527 --> 01:13:06,287
I hate seeing you cry.
1273
01:13:06,287 --> 01:13:07,959
Well, don't worry, it's not your fault.
1274
01:13:09,807 --> 01:13:11,445
Not this time, anyway.
1275
01:13:19,167 --> 01:13:23,001
You know, there's nothing in this world I love as much as you.
1276
01:13:24,047 --> 01:13:26,087
lsn't that strange?
1277
01:13:26,087 --> 01:13:30,807
Almost as strange as if I were to say I love you.
1278
01:13:30,807 --> 01:13:32,447
Well, I'd. . .
1279
01:13:32,447 --> 01:13:35,327
..l'd been led to believe, to. . . well, to-to hope. . .
1280
01:13:35,327 --> 01:13:39,240
..that that perhaps was the case.
1281
01:13:42,327 --> 01:13:43,919
I love you, Beatrice.
1282
01:13:46,367 --> 01:13:48,447
There you go. (Laughs)
1283
01:13:48,447 --> 01:13:50,165
l've never said that before.
1284
01:13:51,487 --> 01:13:53,247
Well, it might've slipped out once or twice,
1285
01:13:53,247 --> 01:13:55,927
you know, in the heat of the moment,
1286
01:13:55,927 --> 01:13:59,127
but I never. . . I never thought I'd say it and mean it. . .
1287
01:13:59,127 --> 01:14:00,127
Ben. . .
1288
01:14:00,127 --> 01:14:04,087
I love you so much, Beatrice, and if I can't have you, then I think I'll go mad.
1289
01:14:04,087 --> 01:14:06,127
Then I'm sorry, Benedick.
1290
01:14:06,127 --> 01:14:08,322
What are you sorry for, Beatrice?
1291
01:14:09,367 --> 01:14:11,437
You've caught me at a very unhappy time.
1292
01:14:13,207 --> 01:14:15,767
I was about to say I loved you too.
1293
01:14:16,967 --> 01:14:18,844
Well, say it then.
1294
01:14:20,287 --> 01:14:23,643
I love you so much, I can hardly breathe. . .
1295
01:14:32,287 --> 01:14:35,723
Beatrice, I'll do anything for you, anything you ask. Anything.
1296
01:14:39,487 --> 01:14:40,806
Kill Claude.
1297
01:14:42,567 --> 01:14:44,683
(Laughs) Except for that maybe.
1298
01:14:46,007 --> 01:14:48,087
Why not? I feeI like killing him!
1299
01:14:48,087 --> 01:14:50,207
Well, yes, but I'm sure he had his reasons. . .
1300
01:14:50,207 --> 01:14:52,287
What? What? What-what reasons?!
1301
01:14:52,287 --> 01:14:55,167
What reasons could he possibly have for humiliating the poor girI like that
1302
01:14:55,167 --> 01:14:56,847
on her wedding day!
1303
01:14:56,847 --> 01:14:59,207
What kind of vicious, spiteful. . .?
1304
01:14:59,207 --> 01:15:01,127
Get away from me! Beatrice. . .
1305
01:15:01,127 --> 01:15:04,278
On her wedding day! At the altar!
1306
01:15:05,327 --> 01:15:07,487
To do that to the woman you claim to love!
1307
01:15:07,487 --> 01:15:10,127
I swear, Ben, if I was a man I would eat his heart!
1308
01:15:10,127 --> 01:15:13,487
Hang on a second. . . Except why would I want to be a man?
1309
01:15:13,487 --> 01:15:15,207
You're all the same! Beatrice. . .
1310
01:15:15,207 --> 01:15:18,287
Here he stands, spewing out this filth, this poison at Hero,
1311
01:15:18,287 --> 01:15:20,727
who's never hurt anyone in her entire life,
1312
01:15:20,727 --> 01:15:24,640
and what do you all do, you brave, honourable men?
1313
01:15:25,647 --> 01:15:27,126
You just stand there.
1314
01:15:28,127 --> 01:15:29,607
Useless,
1315
01:15:29,607 --> 01:15:32,007
listening to this slander, these lies!
1316
01:15:32,007 --> 01:15:35,602
Don't you dare walk away from me when I'm shouting at you!
1317
01:15:45,967 --> 01:15:47,446
I love you, Beatrice. . .
1318
01:15:48,847 --> 01:15:50,439
..and I want to make everything alright.
1319
01:16:06,807 --> 01:16:10,287
Ah, there you are. I wonder if I could have a word.
1320
01:16:10,287 --> 01:16:12,567
I swear, Mr Berry, if you ask to see my lD. . .
1321
01:16:12,567 --> 01:16:15,527
Actually, I think we might have an explanation for all this.
1322
01:16:15,527 --> 01:16:17,127
lt'll only take a minute.
1323
01:16:17,127 --> 01:16:19,561
(Drunkenly) I do. Oh, I do. I think it's nice.
1324
01:16:22,127 --> 01:16:25,447
Ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for the best man!
1325
01:16:25,447 --> 01:16:26,927
Claude, you're drunk.
1326
01:16:26,927 --> 01:16:31,767
I should bloody hope so. Ooh, get stuck in, the boss is paying.
1327
01:16:31,767 --> 01:16:35,407
Or should I say ex-boss.
1328
01:16:35,407 --> 01:16:37,927
lf you're hungry, 250 portions of salmon out the back. . .
1329
01:16:37,927 --> 01:16:39,804
I need to talk with you. Alone.
1330
01:16:40,807 --> 01:16:41,922
Fine.
1331
01:16:43,327 --> 01:16:44,807
I know when I'm not wanted.
1332
01:16:44,807 --> 01:16:46,487
Good. You're not wanted, so go.
1333
01:16:46,487 --> 01:16:49,445
No, Don, you stay here. Don. Don.
1334
01:16:51,127 --> 01:16:53,247
Ooh! Whoa, whoa. What you going to do? Hit me?
1335
01:16:53,247 --> 01:16:55,687
l'm trying hard not to!
1336
01:16:55,687 --> 01:16:58,007
Claude, you know you've done something terrible, don't you?
1337
01:16:58,007 --> 01:17:02,247
Well, uh. . .see, that, my friend, is a matter of opinion.
1338
01:17:02,247 --> 01:17:05,127
You're not my friend and it's not a matter of opinion.
1339
01:17:05,127 --> 01:17:08,927
He's tricked you, Claude. He's made you look a fool.
1340
01:17:08,927 --> 01:17:10,687
Who - Don?
1341
01:17:10,687 --> 01:17:12,167
I don't think so.
1342
01:17:12,167 --> 01:17:14,247
l've seen the proof.
1343
01:17:14,247 --> 01:17:16,007
What proof, Claude?
1344
01:17:16,007 --> 01:17:17,487
The photos. . .
1345
01:17:17,487 --> 01:17:20,607
He stole them. From Hero's room.
1346
01:17:20,607 --> 01:17:22,527
Mr Berry here saw him.
1347
01:17:22,527 --> 01:17:24,597
That's right. The night of the party.
1348
01:17:26,527 --> 01:17:28,167
And the text messages. . .
1349
01:17:28,167 --> 01:17:29,727
He used her phone.
1350
01:17:29,727 --> 01:17:33,287
He's been borrowing her phone and texting his own number.
1351
01:17:33,287 --> 01:17:36,047
What about on her hen night? How did he get her phone then?
1352
01:17:36,047 --> 01:17:37,807
He had her bag, remember?
1353
01:17:37,807 --> 01:17:40,924
He gave it to her in the corridor. I saw him. You were there.
1354
01:17:45,687 --> 01:17:47,407
No, no, no, no. . .
1355
01:17:47,407 --> 01:17:52,367
This is ridiculous. I . . . I . . . I saw him go to her room, last night.
1356
01:17:52,367 --> 01:17:54,567
I was there. ln her room?
1357
01:17:54,567 --> 01:17:57,407
No, outside, but I saw him. . .
1358
01:17:57,407 --> 01:17:59,447
You saw what you wanted to see, Claude.
1359
01:17:59,447 --> 01:18:01,642
You saw what he told you to see.
1360
01:18:10,047 --> 01:18:12,845
Why would he do all this to. . .?
1361
01:18:13,847 --> 01:18:15,997
Just so you know, Beatrice is bringing her down now.
1362
01:18:17,647 --> 01:18:19,487
Hero? Oh. . .
1363
01:18:19,487 --> 01:18:21,687
l've got to talk to her. No, not now, Claude.
1364
01:18:21,687 --> 01:18:23,447
No, I need to speak to. . . Not now.
1365
01:18:23,447 --> 01:18:27,687
Let go of me or I swear. . . No, I need to speak to her! Ben, let go of me!
1366
01:18:27,687 --> 01:18:29,120
YOU !
1367
01:18:30,607 --> 01:18:32,086
I want to talk to you, Don.
1368
01:18:33,287 --> 01:18:35,967
Hero, I think I might have made. . . Not now, Claude. . .
1369
01:18:35,967 --> 01:18:38,887
No, I need to say. . . I think you've said quite enough already!
1370
01:18:38,887 --> 01:18:40,767
Don't you? He showed me photos. . .
1371
01:18:40,767 --> 01:18:42,564
I said SHUT UP!
1372
01:18:44,367 --> 01:18:45,959
lt's him I want to talk to.
1373
01:18:51,127 --> 01:18:52,127
Alright, alright.
1374
01:18:52,127 --> 01:18:54,407
HERO: One question.
1375
01:18:54,407 --> 01:18:58,559
Tell me why, Don, because I need to understand.
1376
01:19:00,807 --> 01:19:02,559
Wasn't I kind to you?
1377
01:19:04,287 --> 01:19:06,247
Affectionate? A good friend?
1378
01:19:06,247 --> 01:19:09,487
Didn't I listen to you talk on and on into the night?
1379
01:19:09,487 --> 01:19:13,400
And. . .didn't I tell you the way I felt about you?
1380
01:19:15,767 --> 01:19:17,519
Wasn't I honest?
1381
01:19:19,527 --> 01:19:22,519
So tell me, why would you do this to me, Don?
1382
01:19:26,927 --> 01:19:28,679
Because I love you.
1383
01:19:30,967 --> 01:19:32,685
And you humiliated me. . .
1384
01:19:34,367 --> 01:19:37,120
..and I wanted you to know what that felt like.
1385
01:19:38,807 --> 01:19:40,287
(Squeals) Hero, Hero, no!
1386
01:19:40,287 --> 01:19:43,367
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. . .
1387
01:19:43,367 --> 01:19:45,005
Stop! I said stop!
1388
01:19:46,087 --> 01:19:48,043
LEONARD: Sweetheart! WOMAN: ls she alright?
1389
01:19:51,767 --> 01:19:54,327
Oh, Jesus. (All exclaim)
1390
01:19:54,327 --> 01:19:56,327
Back, everyone, give her air!
1391
01:19:56,327 --> 01:19:57,887
BEATRlCE: Come away, it's alright.
1392
01:19:57,887 --> 01:20:00,567
CLAUDE: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! PETER: Claude, you've got to let go.
1393
01:20:00,567 --> 01:20:02,527
CLAUDE: Alright. Look after her, please.
1394
01:20:02,527 --> 01:20:04,047
Call an ambulance. Ambulance!
1395
01:20:04,047 --> 01:20:05,767
BEATRlCE: lt's alright. lt's alright.
1396
01:20:05,767 --> 01:20:08,156
Back, everyone, please! BEATRlCE: lt's alright.
1397
01:20:37,967 --> 01:20:39,607
I got you this.
1398
01:20:39,607 --> 01:20:41,727
What is it? Coffee.
1399
01:20:41,727 --> 01:20:43,807
Maybe soup.
1400
01:20:43,807 --> 01:20:45,365
Thanks. I think I'll pass.
1401
01:20:47,287 --> 01:20:48,767
Poor old Leonard.
1402
01:20:48,767 --> 01:20:50,647
What do we do now?.
1403
01:20:50,647 --> 01:20:52,207
Wait and see what the tests say.
1404
01:20:52,207 --> 01:20:54,327
Maybe have a cup of tea. . . URSULA: Yeah.
1405
01:20:54,327 --> 01:20:56,327
LEONARD: Mmm? URSULA: That's a good idea.
1406
01:20:56,327 --> 01:20:57,840
lt's not good, I'm afraid.
1407
01:20:59,367 --> 01:21:00,967
She's still not conscious.
1408
01:21:00,967 --> 01:21:02,927
They're going to do more tests in the morning
1409
01:21:02,927 --> 01:21:04,406
and then maybe operate.
1410
01:21:05,807 --> 01:21:08,767
I think the best we can do now is just go home and sleep.
1411
01:21:08,767 --> 01:21:10,280
Thanks, Pete.
1412
01:21:17,127 --> 01:21:19,127
Let me take you home.
1413
01:21:19,127 --> 01:21:21,516
l'm sorry, Ben. What for?
1414
01:21:22,767 --> 01:21:26,207
We had something to talk about, didn't we?
1415
01:21:26,207 --> 01:21:28,482
And now doesn't really seem like the right time.
1416
01:21:30,007 --> 01:21:31,486
lt can wait.
1417
01:22:04,727 --> 01:22:07,366
So. . . here we are!
1418
01:22:16,367 --> 01:22:18,087
Sorry. . .
1419
01:22:18,087 --> 01:22:19,566
I don't know what to say.
1420
01:22:21,927 --> 01:22:25,567
I thought when I saw you, it would all come. . .
1421
01:22:25,567 --> 01:22:27,205
..flooding out, you know?.
1422
01:22:28,287 --> 01:22:33,407
Some speciaI combination of words to tell you how sorry I am. . .
1423
01:22:37,607 --> 01:22:40,847
..how much I love you. . .
1424
01:22:40,847 --> 01:22:43,407
..and miss you.
1425
01:22:43,407 --> 01:22:46,240
But they're not my strong point, are they - words?
1426
01:22:47,567 --> 01:22:49,558
They won't do what I want them to.
1427
01:22:54,767 --> 01:22:57,887
So I'll just have to say
1428
01:22:57,887 --> 01:23:02,567
that I would happily give my life right now. . .
1429
01:23:02,567 --> 01:23:06,327
..if you'd just open your eyes and say something. . .anything,
1430
01:23:06,327 --> 01:23:08,522
even if it's to say that you hate me.
1431
01:23:10,287 --> 01:23:13,165
Because if you don't, Hero, I really don't know what I'm going to do.
1432
01:23:14,247 --> 01:23:16,807
Sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
1433
01:23:18,527 --> 01:23:20,165
lmmediately, please.
1434
01:23:30,127 --> 01:23:31,606
l'm sorry.
1435
01:23:57,967 --> 01:23:59,446
What's happening?
1436
01:24:01,567 --> 01:24:03,407
Oh God, no. . .
1437
01:24:03,407 --> 01:24:05,079
No! Hero!
1438
01:24:06,647 --> 01:24:09,320
You can't come in, sir. ls she alright? I need to see her!
1439
01:24:11,167 --> 01:24:12,646
Claude?
1440
01:24:14,287 --> 01:24:15,766
Who are all these people?
1441
01:24:30,487 --> 01:24:32,125
Excuse me, is there anyone sitting here?
1442
01:24:33,367 --> 01:24:35,447
Well, actually, l'm waiting for a friend.
1443
01:24:35,447 --> 01:24:38,280
Well, do you mind if I sit down while you wait?
1444
01:24:47,527 --> 01:24:49,006
So, am I late?
1445
01:24:50,287 --> 01:24:51,766
Only about three years.
1446
01:24:59,647 --> 01:25:01,407
l've been offered a job.
1447
01:25:01,407 --> 01:25:03,647
ln London.
1448
01:25:03,647 --> 01:25:06,878
lt's just a production job to begin with, but maybe get onscreen soon.
1449
01:25:08,847 --> 01:25:10,326
Are you going to take it?
1450
01:25:13,127 --> 01:25:15,487
Don't know.
1451
01:25:15,487 --> 01:25:18,559
lt's a big step. . . moving away. . .
1452
01:25:20,727 --> 01:25:22,240
I think you should go.
1453
01:25:25,407 --> 01:25:28,205
Claude, if you're expecting me to forgive you, you're wasting your time.
1454
01:25:30,327 --> 01:25:32,767
But I only did it because I loved you.
1455
01:25:34,007 --> 01:25:35,759
Funny, that's what Don said.
1456
01:25:38,527 --> 01:25:41,963
l'm so bored of people using love as an excuse.
1457
01:25:43,687 --> 01:25:47,487
That's not love, anyway, that's just. . . possession
1458
01:25:47,487 --> 01:25:49,047
And I'm bored of being owned too -
1459
01:25:49,047 --> 01:25:51,567
by you. . .
1460
01:25:51,567 --> 01:25:53,046
..by my dad.
1461
01:25:55,447 --> 01:25:58,087
l'm just going to look after myself for a while.
1462
01:25:58,087 --> 01:26:01,318
You know, think things through.
1463
01:26:05,167 --> 01:26:07,807
But. . .when you've had some time,
1464
01:26:07,807 --> 01:26:11,407
maybe. . .you would think about. . .
1465
01:26:11,407 --> 01:26:13,527
..carrying on where we left off?
1466
01:26:13,527 --> 01:26:15,607
(Laughs) What, get married?
1467
01:26:15,607 --> 01:26:17,607
To you?
1468
01:26:17,607 --> 01:26:19,438
Never in a million years.
1469
01:26:20,487 --> 01:26:22,796
OK, maybe not in the short term, but. . .
1470
01:26:24,767 --> 01:26:26,837
..sometime in the future perhaps.
1471
01:26:29,327 --> 01:26:32,125
Just say I can hope, Hero, please.
1472
01:26:33,447 --> 01:26:34,926
Please?
1473
01:26:47,567 --> 01:26:50,156
SOMETIMES IN THE FUTURE
1474
01:26:50,567 --> 01:26:54,367
True minds. Let me not to the marriage of true minds. . .
1475
01:26:54,367 --> 01:26:55,846
..be. . .admit. . .
1476
01:26:58,207 --> 01:27:00,487
''Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.
1477
01:27:00,487 --> 01:27:02,527
''Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.''
1478
01:27:02,527 --> 01:27:05,607
''Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.
1479
01:27:05,607 --> 01:27:07,087
''Love is not love. . .'' Hey!
1480
01:27:07,087 --> 01:27:09,203
Come on. Everyone's waiting.
1481
01:27:11,087 --> 01:27:12,967
There. Right, good. OK?
1482
01:27:12,967 --> 01:27:14,727
This alright? Yeah. Go!
1483
01:27:14,727 --> 01:27:16,683
Nostril hairs? Yeah, no, it's fine.
1484
01:27:22,087 --> 01:27:24,967
BENEDlCK: Have you any idea what confetti actually costs?
1485
01:27:24,967 --> 01:27:26,958
I swear it'd be cheaper to throw cash.
1486
01:27:28,407 --> 01:27:31,717
And look at these flowers. Seen for, what, 20 minutes, they chuck them out.
1487
01:27:34,407 --> 01:27:36,447
You know, I tell you, somewhere out there right now,
1488
01:27:36,447 --> 01:27:38,727
there's a florist and a caterer having a bloody good laugh.
1489
01:27:38,727 --> 01:27:40,922
Shut up, will you? You're making me nervous.
1490
01:27:53,007 --> 01:27:54,487
Wrong side.
1491
01:27:54,487 --> 01:27:56,205
Hmm? Oh. Sorry.
1492
01:28:22,807 --> 01:28:24,287
Remind me, what are we doing here?
1493
01:28:24,287 --> 01:28:25,800
I have absolutely no idea.
113356
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