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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,580 --> 00:00:03,210 ♪♪ 2 00:00:03,210 --> 00:00:05,000 [ Beverly Rose crying ] 3 00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:13,210 So, uh... 4 00:00:13,210 --> 00:00:16,670 are you just gonna let Lil Bev keep crying like that? 5 00:00:16,670 --> 00:00:17,670 Yes, I am. 6 00:00:17,670 --> 00:00:19,620 [ Tab pops ] 7 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,540 She's learning to cry it out. 8 00:00:22,540 --> 00:00:24,710 So, if I'm stuck under a log, screaming for help, 9 00:00:24,710 --> 00:00:26,460 you're just gonna let me cry it out? 10 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:29,210 No, first, I'm gonna laugh. 11 00:00:29,210 --> 00:00:30,790 Then I'm gonna let you cry it out 12 00:00:30,790 --> 00:00:33,040 so you learn how to sleep through the night under a log. 13 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,710 Look, Becky told us to let her self-soothe. 14 00:00:37,710 --> 00:00:38,580 [ Crying continues ] 15 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:40,000 Oh. Wait. 16 00:00:41,710 --> 00:00:43,960 See? It's working. 17 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,290 And... [ Click ] 18 00:00:45,290 --> 00:00:46,170 ...she's asleep. 19 00:00:49,290 --> 00:00:51,330 [ Babbling ] 20 00:00:51,330 --> 00:00:52,710 Hey. 21 00:00:52,710 --> 00:00:55,040 [ Coos ] 22 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:56,620 It's been an hour. 23 00:00:56,620 --> 00:00:58,290 She's got to go back to sleep. 24 00:00:58,290 --> 00:00:59,380 She's not a toy. 25 00:00:59,380 --> 00:01:01,210 No, no, she's not. 26 00:01:01,210 --> 00:01:03,170 She's a powerful, tiny woman 27 00:01:03,170 --> 00:01:05,000 whose whole foot fits in my mouth. 28 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,540 Rowr. [ Chuckles ] 29 00:01:06,540 --> 00:01:07,710 You know, when Becky gets home, you're gonna have 30 00:01:07,710 --> 00:01:10,500 one foot in your mouth and one foot upside your ass. 31 00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:12,750 [ Sighs ] Put the baby back in her crib. 32 00:01:12,750 --> 00:01:14,000 Oh, come. 33 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,880 Otherwise, I'm gonna go sleep on the couch. 34 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,380 Mmm. [ Sniffs ] 35 00:01:17,380 --> 00:01:20,620 Oh, but her head smells so much better than your head. 36 00:01:20,620 --> 00:01:22,880 And your beard smells like French onion soup. 37 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:24,540 You really want to get into this? 38 00:01:24,540 --> 00:01:26,790 [ Chuckles ] 39 00:01:26,790 --> 00:01:27,830 Oh. [ Door closes ] 40 00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:30,710 Oh, you are the best baby in the world. 41 00:01:30,710 --> 00:01:32,330 Yes, you are! 42 00:01:32,330 --> 00:01:33,830 Aww. 43 00:01:33,830 --> 00:01:35,620 I want one just like you. 44 00:01:35,620 --> 00:01:42,750 ♪♪ 45 00:01:42,750 --> 00:01:50,120 ♪♪ 46 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:57,540 ♪♪ 47 00:01:57,540 --> 00:02:04,750 ♪♪ 48 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:12,120 ♪♪ 49 00:02:14,170 --> 00:02:17,460 "The Conners" is filmed in front of a live studio audience. 50 00:02:17,460 --> 00:02:19,620 Thanks for everything, Dad. 51 00:02:19,620 --> 00:02:21,750 Without you, we never would have been able to open tomorrow. 52 00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:26,380 Well, thanks for paying me with a hug. 53 00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:29,620 And, I assume, a lifetime of free stew. 54 00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:32,170 How about a lifetime of free hugs 55 00:02:32,170 --> 00:02:33,540 and stew for a week? 56 00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:34,380 Sold. 57 00:02:35,830 --> 00:02:37,210 And thank you, too, Dwight. 58 00:02:37,210 --> 00:02:38,830 You've been a huge help. 59 00:02:38,830 --> 00:02:40,500 No need to fuss over me. 60 00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:43,170 I'm uncomfortable being in the spotlight. 61 00:02:43,170 --> 00:02:46,500 I like to be the handmaiden, not the queen. 62 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,500 Jackie: You're not sculpting the "David." [ Slow chopping ] 63 00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:51,460 You're chopping carrots, Barry. Chop faster! 64 00:02:51,460 --> 00:02:53,620 [ Chopping quickens ] Chop faster! Chop -- 65 00:02:53,620 --> 00:02:54,830 [ Chopping stops ] Uh-oh. Oh! 66 00:02:54,830 --> 00:02:56,420 Oh, good Lord! 67 00:02:56,420 --> 00:02:57,670 Oh! 68 00:02:57,670 --> 00:02:59,290 Put that finger in milk! 69 00:02:59,290 --> 00:03:00,380 Ugh! 70 00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:01,790 We have an emergency, Dan. 71 00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:03,750 Can you drive our cook to the hospital? 72 00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,290 How bad is he bleeding? 73 00:03:05,290 --> 00:03:07,040 Is he sitting in the cab or the flatbed? 74 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:08,290 Oh, this is flatbed. 75 00:03:08,290 --> 00:03:10,710 Oh, my God. 76 00:03:10,710 --> 00:03:12,750 Oh, my God, we open in 10 hours. 77 00:03:12,750 --> 00:03:15,040 Ohh! Oh, my God! Oh! 78 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,710 Becky, Becky, you got to be the chef. 79 00:03:17,710 --> 00:03:20,250 I don't know to cook for a whole restaurant! 80 00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:21,880 Unless you want me to breast-feed 81 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:23,830 the entire lunch crowd. 82 00:03:23,830 --> 00:03:25,080 [ Chuckles ] 83 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,000 That actually set my mind to wander. 84 00:03:28,330 --> 00:03:31,330 But maybe I can help out. I used to do a little cooking. 85 00:03:31,330 --> 00:03:33,170 This is not a time to fool around. 86 00:03:33,170 --> 00:03:35,750 Do you have real restaurant experience? 87 00:03:35,750 --> 00:03:37,920 'Cause this isn't like grabbing a squirrel by the side of the road 88 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,960 and cooking it on your carburetor! 89 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,830 The carburetor doesn't get hot enough. 90 00:03:42,830 --> 00:03:45,210 It's the manifold. 91 00:03:45,210 --> 00:03:47,830 And I'll have you know, I used to be a chef at Applebee's. 92 00:03:47,830 --> 00:03:49,880 No way! Really? 93 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:51,710 How come we didn't know that about you? 94 00:03:51,710 --> 00:03:53,580 Oh, I think, with the hair and the beard, people just assume -- 95 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:55,040 Nobody cares, Custer. 96 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,790 Get in the kitchen, 97 00:03:56,790 --> 00:03:59,210 start prepping the stew so it's ready in the morning. 98 00:03:59,210 --> 00:04:00,500 Is this gonna be the kind of restaurant 99 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:01,960 where people say "please"? 100 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,290 Oh, for God's sakes. 101 00:04:03,290 --> 00:04:04,620 Please! 102 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,290 Is this gonna be the kind of restaurant 103 00:04:06,290 --> 00:04:09,250 where people take the Lord's name in vain? 104 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,460 You might want to be the handmaiden, 105 00:04:10,460 --> 00:04:12,170 but I'm getting all kinds of queen. 106 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:17,420 ♪♪ 107 00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:21,750 Behold the most dangerous baby in the world. 108 00:04:21,750 --> 00:04:26,670 So dangerous that she must be kept away from the populace, 109 00:04:26,670 --> 00:04:28,420 in a nylon cage. 110 00:04:31,330 --> 00:04:32,790 Oh, so, you're one of those obituary guys, huh? 111 00:04:32,790 --> 00:04:34,210 Yeah. 112 00:04:34,210 --> 00:04:35,880 I always read them hoping that somebody died 113 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:36,790 that I owe money to. 114 00:04:36,790 --> 00:04:38,540 [ Laughs ] 115 00:04:38,540 --> 00:04:40,540 Just once, I'd like to see a credit-card company in here. 116 00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:43,460 [ Chuckles ] 117 00:04:43,460 --> 00:04:45,040 Hmm. 118 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,670 Somebody in here I actually know. 119 00:04:47,670 --> 00:04:49,380 How? How much did you owe them? 120 00:04:49,380 --> 00:04:51,210 Are we having pizza crust and eggs, 121 00:04:51,210 --> 00:04:52,710 or are we going out for breakfast? 122 00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:55,540 My father. 123 00:04:55,540 --> 00:04:56,330 What? 124 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,250 I'm sorry, Dan. 125 00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:01,620 Are you okay? 126 00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:04,500 Oh, I'm fine. I haven't seen him in 20 years. 127 00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:08,040 And based on this, I see that trend continuing. 128 00:05:10,790 --> 00:05:12,580 I'm sorry about your grandpa. How are you doing? 129 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,250 Oh, I'm okay. 130 00:05:14,250 --> 00:05:16,920 I mean, he was kind of a deadbeat when my dad was young, 131 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,000 and then as soon as he had a second family, 132 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,420 we never really saw him at all. 133 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,330 I mean, I honestly didn't even remember 134 00:05:22,330 --> 00:05:23,750 that he was still alive. 135 00:05:23,750 --> 00:05:25,380 Who was alive? 136 00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:26,750 Grandpa Ed. 137 00:05:26,750 --> 00:05:27,830 He's alive? 138 00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:28,710 No. 139 00:05:30,290 --> 00:05:31,250 Not anymore. 140 00:05:32,830 --> 00:05:35,330 So, what the hell happened last night? 141 00:05:35,330 --> 00:05:37,920 I get home from work, and you're on the couch, 142 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,380 and I found Beverly Rose 143 00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:41,920 sleeping on Ben's chest upstairs. 144 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,500 Well, uh, all the crying made Ben's milk come in, 145 00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:46,000 so we didn't want to waste it. 146 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,580 Ohh. 147 00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:51,670 Ohh. 148 00:05:51,670 --> 00:05:53,500 I'm sorry. 149 00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:55,040 I just wanted the baby to hear a heart 150 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,080 that's not made of stone. 151 00:05:58,330 --> 00:05:59,920 [ Beverly Rose coos ] Eh, we're working on our words today. 152 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,380 Is it okay if we go downstairs 153 00:06:01,380 --> 00:06:03,120 and learn the name of everything in your room? 154 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,710 Knock yourself out. 155 00:06:05,710 --> 00:06:09,250 But stay away from the top drawer in my nightstand. 156 00:06:09,250 --> 00:06:10,460 It's only for Mommy. 157 00:06:14,670 --> 00:06:17,580 [ Singsong voice ] Your boyfriend wants a baby. 158 00:06:17,580 --> 00:06:20,880 Oh, you are out of your pickled alcoholic mind. 159 00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:24,080 You know, he's never around babies, 160 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,420 so he just thinks of it as a toy. 161 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:30,420 As soon as he breaks a couple parts off, he'll lose interest. 162 00:06:30,420 --> 00:06:31,750 [ Normal voice ] I don't know. 163 00:06:31,750 --> 00:06:35,170 Let's check in on them, shall we? 164 00:06:35,170 --> 00:06:37,580 Uncle Ben worries that you're lonely 165 00:06:37,580 --> 00:06:40,790 and that maybe you could use a little cousin to play with. 166 00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:45,210 It's a special burden being right all the time. 167 00:06:46,830 --> 00:06:48,460 T-This is crazy. 168 00:06:48,460 --> 00:06:51,170 He's never said anything about wanting a baby before. 169 00:06:51,170 --> 00:06:52,710 You need to talk to him. 170 00:06:52,710 --> 00:06:54,460 Yeah, I will, but this is stupid. 171 00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:57,750 I mean, even if I wanted one, he knows I'm like 100. 172 00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:02,040 Hey, you might still have a couple pterodactyl eggs 173 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:05,000 rolling around in that prehistoric womb of yours. 174 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,500 Alright, I guess I deserve that 175 00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:08,670 for all the jokes I made about your wrinkled uterus. 176 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,500 You said my cervix was where they filmed "Golden Girls." 177 00:07:15,420 --> 00:07:16,750 [ Laughing ] Oh, yeah. 178 00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:17,710 Ssss! 179 00:07:17,710 --> 00:07:19,290 ♪♪ 180 00:07:23,380 --> 00:07:25,830 Well? How's my stew? 181 00:07:25,830 --> 00:07:28,170 Jiminy Cricket on a cracker, this is good! 182 00:07:30,170 --> 00:07:31,880 Well, you feel like you got this? 183 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,500 You bet. 'Cause it's opening day. 184 00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:35,210 And just remember, you're the only thing 185 00:07:35,210 --> 00:07:37,250 standing between me and sleeping on the street. 186 00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:39,290 And it's not just me -- it's Becky and her baby, 187 00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:40,540 and I'm pretty sure we're on the hook 188 00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:43,710 for a prosthetic finger for Barry. 189 00:07:43,710 --> 00:07:46,620 Uh, yeah, I put every dime I've got into this place. 190 00:07:46,620 --> 00:07:47,710 It's all on you, buddy. 191 00:07:47,710 --> 00:07:49,000 Go get 'em! 192 00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:55,420 [ Chuckles nervously ] 193 00:07:55,420 --> 00:07:56,420 Okay. 194 00:07:58,120 --> 00:07:59,120 Oop. 195 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,750 Hey, Dad, where you going? 196 00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:06,750 Somebody called me to bid on a job. 197 00:08:06,750 --> 00:08:09,040 Can't it wait? I mean, your dad just died. 198 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:11,420 It takes time to process something like that. 199 00:08:11,420 --> 00:08:12,250 You're right. 200 00:08:14,710 --> 00:08:15,960 There, processed. 201 00:08:17,710 --> 00:08:19,380 [ Sighs ] 202 00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:20,830 Men are all over the map. 203 00:08:20,830 --> 00:08:22,540 My dad buries all his emotions, 204 00:08:22,540 --> 00:08:24,960 and you giggle like a pothead watching SpongeBob 205 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,210 when you're with the baby. 206 00:08:26,210 --> 00:08:27,790 [ Chuckles ] Oh. 207 00:08:27,790 --> 00:08:29,880 Becky actually thought -- 208 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,750 you're gonna love this -- 209 00:08:31,750 --> 00:08:33,620 that you want to have a baby with me. 210 00:08:33,620 --> 00:08:34,790 [ Chuckles ] 211 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,040 Come on, laugh along with me. 212 00:08:41,170 --> 00:08:42,830 Wouldn't you love to have a baby? 213 00:08:44,830 --> 00:08:47,580 God, no. They're soul-sucking monsters. 214 00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:52,330 Okay, I can see you're on the fence. 215 00:08:52,330 --> 00:08:53,920 Ben, I-I-I'm broke. 216 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:55,290 I've already got two kids, 217 00:08:55,290 --> 00:08:57,080 and we're trying to start a business. 218 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,790 This is literally the worst possible time. 219 00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:02,500 Oh, well, uh, you know, 10 years from now, 220 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:05,830 when we regret not doing it, will be a worse time. 221 00:09:05,830 --> 00:09:07,790 I'm willing to live with your regrets. 222 00:09:09,620 --> 00:09:11,080 Come on! 223 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,170 We could have a great baby. 224 00:09:13,170 --> 00:09:16,250 A baby that's half me and half you 225 00:09:16,250 --> 00:09:19,120 would be smart and funny and... 226 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,960 whatever you bring to the table. 227 00:09:24,290 --> 00:09:27,080 Why are you dropping this bomb on me now? 228 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:30,330 I...guess I always knew I wanted a baby. 229 00:09:30,330 --> 00:09:31,540 It's just that now we're back together, 230 00:09:31,540 --> 00:09:34,080 and things are going so great between us, 231 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:35,830 having a baby would make it that much better. 232 00:09:35,830 --> 00:09:37,120 [ Scoffs ] 233 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,880 That just proves you know nothing 234 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,290 about how hard it is to raise a kid. 235 00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:43,420 I mean, you've never been dog-tired 236 00:09:43,420 --> 00:09:46,210 because the baby won't sleep or worried out of your mind 237 00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:48,460 because you've never seen a fever that high. 238 00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:50,330 And then there's all the emotional stuff, 239 00:09:50,330 --> 00:09:51,790 when they're crying their eyes out 240 00:09:51,790 --> 00:09:53,380 because they were bullied 241 00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:56,210 or they weren't invited to the cool party. 242 00:09:56,210 --> 00:09:58,330 Well, since it's half my kid, 243 00:09:58,330 --> 00:10:00,000 it's getting invited to the cool parties. 244 00:10:02,790 --> 00:10:05,500 Ben...I love you. 245 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,000 I-I just can't do it again. 246 00:10:08,330 --> 00:10:11,120 Okay, w-well, can't we just talk about it more? 247 00:10:13,170 --> 00:10:14,210 I'm sorry. 248 00:10:14,210 --> 00:10:16,460 I can't go back to the beginning. 249 00:10:20,290 --> 00:10:21,880 [ Knock on door ] 250 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,670 Come on in! 251 00:10:23,670 --> 00:10:26,210 [ Door opens ] But if you're selling something, we, uh -- 252 00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:28,210 well, we probably already have it. 253 00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,040 Wow. Hey. Dan Conner. 254 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:31,920 You called me about a drywall job? 255 00:10:33,580 --> 00:10:35,290 Yeah. 256 00:10:35,290 --> 00:10:36,290 I'm Ed. 257 00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:39,210 Did your cleaning lady take the week off, 258 00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:42,420 or is she somewhere underneath all this? 259 00:10:42,420 --> 00:10:44,420 Funny guy. 260 00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:47,040 It was my dad's house, and he, uh, just died. 261 00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:51,670 Yeah, he was all... screwed up towards the end. 262 00:10:51,670 --> 00:10:53,580 He was living in this. 263 00:10:53,580 --> 00:10:55,120 [ Sighs ] I'm sorry. 264 00:10:57,290 --> 00:11:00,330 When you get old, you get a little eccentric. 265 00:11:00,330 --> 00:11:02,790 I got chickens in my backyard. 266 00:11:02,790 --> 00:11:06,120 I never thought I'd be that guy. 267 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,460 No, I know what kind of guy you are... 268 00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:09,790 bro. 269 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,040 Is there a problem? 270 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,000 You seem a little pissed off. 271 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,830 I have the right to be... Dan. 272 00:11:17,830 --> 00:11:20,250 I'm Ed's son -- Ed Jr. 273 00:11:21,830 --> 00:11:24,380 Got it now...big bro? 274 00:11:24,380 --> 00:11:26,540 [ Gasps ] 275 00:11:26,540 --> 00:11:28,250 Little Ed. 276 00:11:28,250 --> 00:11:31,540 It's been like 20 years. 277 00:11:31,540 --> 00:11:33,620 Why didn't you just tell me that on the phone? 278 00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:35,460 Because I knew you wouldn't come. 279 00:11:35,460 --> 00:11:37,540 So you decided to ambush me instead? 280 00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:39,830 You didn't even know our dad was sick. 281 00:11:39,830 --> 00:11:41,830 While you were off living your carefree life, 282 00:11:41,830 --> 00:11:44,500 my sister and I dropped everything to take care of him 283 00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:46,670 until the day he died with nothing. 284 00:11:46,670 --> 00:11:48,290 Looks like he died with everything. 285 00:11:49,830 --> 00:11:51,000 [ Sighs ] 286 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,580 What do you want from me? 287 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:56,380 I don't have enough money to fix this place up so I can sell it. 288 00:11:56,380 --> 00:11:57,880 You're gonna help me fix it. 289 00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:59,120 You owe me. 290 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,040 I don't owe you a damn thing. 291 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,120 I don't owe him a damn thing. 292 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,710 He was a lowlife son of a bitch 293 00:12:04,710 --> 00:12:07,250 who treated me and my mother like garbage his whole life. 294 00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:10,540 That's exactly what my dad said you'd say. 295 00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:12,710 Told me you were a liar who only cared about himself. 296 00:12:12,710 --> 00:12:14,880 Well, he must've been looking in the mirror when he said that. 297 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,580 Oh, really? 298 00:12:16,580 --> 00:12:18,710 If you're such a great guy, how come you never even tried once 299 00:12:18,710 --> 00:12:20,460 to get in touch with him or me?! 300 00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:22,710 I did! I did! 301 00:12:22,710 --> 00:12:24,330 Boy. 302 00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:27,420 I got to hand it to the old man. 303 00:12:27,420 --> 00:12:31,000 Nobody could sell a load of crap better than that guy! 304 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,250 You know something? 305 00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:36,210 I didn't feel anything when I found out he died. 306 00:12:36,210 --> 00:12:38,330 Now I feel pretty good about it. 307 00:12:38,330 --> 00:12:39,830 You better shut your mouth, or I'm gonna shut it for you. 308 00:12:39,830 --> 00:12:41,540 Are you threatening me? 309 00:12:41,540 --> 00:12:42,920 'Cause I can knock you stupid 310 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:44,620 with about eight things within arm's reach. 311 00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:45,750 Let's throw, old times. 312 00:12:45,750 --> 00:12:46,710 Bring it. 313 00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:50,710 You hit the king, you better kill him. 314 00:12:54,580 --> 00:12:55,880 Not worth it. 315 00:12:58,380 --> 00:12:59,710 I didn't think so. 316 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,250 You know what? 317 00:13:06,670 --> 00:13:09,170 I'm taking this microwave 'cause you wasted my time. 318 00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:11,500 And all the TV Guides inside. 319 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:14,920 ♪♪ 320 00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:19,670 Dwight! Open the damn door! 321 00:13:19,670 --> 00:13:22,210 Dwight: Go away, Jackie. I can't talk to you. 322 00:13:22,210 --> 00:13:23,500 He's still in there? 323 00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:24,790 If we don't get him cooking soon, 324 00:13:24,790 --> 00:13:26,000 people are gonna start leaving 325 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,330 and we're not gonna get them back. 326 00:13:27,330 --> 00:13:30,000 Thanks for the tip, master of the obvious! 327 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,620 Let me try. 328 00:13:31,620 --> 00:13:34,330 Uh, Dwight, Jackie's gone. 329 00:13:34,330 --> 00:13:36,830 What's going on? 330 00:13:36,830 --> 00:13:38,250 I got the jitters. 331 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,330 What's that? 332 00:13:40,330 --> 00:13:42,250 I'm sweating, my heart's pounding, 333 00:13:42,250 --> 00:13:43,790 and I feel like I'm fixin' to die. 334 00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:45,080 You know, the jitters. 335 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:46,670 [ Whispering ] It's a panic attack. 336 00:13:46,670 --> 00:13:48,750 Okay, you go back out front. I got this. 337 00:13:48,750 --> 00:13:50,000 Don't make me go out there! 338 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,420 [ Sighs ] It's getting ugly. 339 00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:54,170 We've armed them with forks and knives! 340 00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:55,540 Dwight? [ Doorknob rattles ] 341 00:13:55,540 --> 00:13:59,000 Dwight, you might not know this, but I am formerly 342 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,460 Lanford's number-one professional life coach, 343 00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:05,000 and my clinical training is in the jitters. 344 00:14:06,790 --> 00:14:08,250 [ Sighs ] Okay. 345 00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:10,920 Okay, first, we're gonna calm you down. 346 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:12,420 I want you to take a short breath, 347 00:14:12,420 --> 00:14:15,120 followed by a very long exhale. 348 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,670 [ Inhales sharply ] Good. Good! 349 00:14:16,670 --> 00:14:17,830 You keep doing that. 350 00:14:17,830 --> 00:14:20,330 Now, Dwight, what is going on? 351 00:14:20,330 --> 00:14:22,540 I don't think I can do this job. 352 00:14:22,540 --> 00:14:25,880 Why? Everything I've tasted so far has been fantastic! 353 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,000 It's not the cooking. It's the baseball. 354 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,460 Of course it is. 355 00:14:30,460 --> 00:14:32,250 Been anxious my whole life. 356 00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:33,920 Baseball was an escape -- 357 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,170 'til I got into the minor leagues. 358 00:14:36,170 --> 00:14:37,830 I was a pitcher for the Midland Rockhounds, 359 00:14:37,830 --> 00:14:39,170 and I was so good 360 00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,790 that they scheduled me to pitch on opening day. 361 00:14:40,790 --> 00:14:42,330 Uh-huh. Okay. 362 00:14:42,330 --> 00:14:45,290 Restaurant folding up outside, but go on. Continue. 363 00:14:45,290 --> 00:14:47,420 Before the game, the manager says, 364 00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,580 "Everyone's depending on you." 365 00:14:49,580 --> 00:14:51,290 My head started spinning. 366 00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:53,620 And then when you said, "It's all on you"... 367 00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:55,290 Oh. ...started getting the same feeling. 368 00:14:55,290 --> 00:14:57,170 Oh, Dwight. I'm getting it now. 369 00:14:57,170 --> 00:14:58,960 No, no, no. No, no! Exhale! No, no. I'm getting it now. 370 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,380 Dwight. Dwight. Exhale. 371 00:15:00,380 --> 00:15:02,420 Dwight! Dwight! 372 00:15:02,420 --> 00:15:05,290 You're picturing yourself on a beach. 373 00:15:05,290 --> 00:15:08,460 It's quiet. You're alone. 374 00:15:08,460 --> 00:15:11,170 And no one needs anything from you. 375 00:15:11,170 --> 00:15:13,620 [ Pounding on door ] Becky: People are leaving! 376 00:15:13,620 --> 00:15:17,170 We're dying out here, Jackie! 377 00:15:17,170 --> 00:15:19,170 We're on a private beach, Becky! 378 00:15:20,710 --> 00:15:22,080 [ Door opens ] 379 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,080 [ Clears throat ] 380 00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:26,420 [ Sniffles ] 381 00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:27,920 What do you want? 382 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,290 I got to thinking 383 00:15:29,290 --> 00:15:31,290 about the quality family time we spent together today, 384 00:15:31,290 --> 00:15:33,420 and I remembered I had something at the house 385 00:15:33,420 --> 00:15:35,880 I always wanted to give to you. 386 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,000 10 letters I wrote to you and your sister, 387 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,540 all sent to the last house you lived in -- 388 00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:43,000 all returned 389 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,080 with "Not at this address" written on them. 390 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,500 Recognize the handwriting? 391 00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:50,330 Yeah. 392 00:15:50,330 --> 00:15:52,080 I guess it looks like my dad's. So what? 393 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:53,620 He wanted to keep us apart. 394 00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:58,330 I abandoned him for what he did to me. 395 00:15:58,330 --> 00:16:00,250 But I never wanted to abandon you. 396 00:16:02,330 --> 00:16:04,920 I don't know what to do with any of this. 397 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,040 You want me to hate him like you do, and I can't. 398 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,880 He was a... [ Sighs ] 399 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,540 He was a good dad to me. 400 00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:15,790 Hey, you're lucky. 401 00:16:15,790 --> 00:16:18,250 You can miss your dad. 402 00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:19,460 Doesn't feel lucky. 403 00:16:22,380 --> 00:16:23,500 Thanks for these. 404 00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:24,420 Yeah. 405 00:16:29,790 --> 00:16:31,960 Hey. 406 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,880 There's about four years' worth of "Happy birthdays" in there. 407 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:39,040 I got to admit, I took out all the scratchers and tried 'em. 408 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,670 I won millions. 409 00:16:42,290 --> 00:16:44,750 But I blew it all on private jets, 410 00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:47,960 dinners with Madonna. 411 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,290 Chick eats like a horse. 412 00:16:51,670 --> 00:16:53,420 Madonna joke. 413 00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:54,880 [ Clicks tongue ] Fresh. 414 00:16:56,330 --> 00:16:58,040 Hey, want to go grab a few beers, 415 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,580 maybe get something to eat? 416 00:16:59,580 --> 00:17:00,670 You paying? 417 00:17:00,670 --> 00:17:02,500 [ Chuckles ] 418 00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:04,000 I'm not trying to act like a big shot, 419 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,670 but you're looking at a guy 420 00:17:05,670 --> 00:17:07,710 who's getting free stew for a week. 421 00:17:07,710 --> 00:17:09,040 [ Clicks tongue ] 422 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:14,000 Dwight's back on the grill. Sorry for the delay, everybody. 423 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,250 Dessert's on us. 424 00:17:15,250 --> 00:17:16,330 How'd you get him out? 425 00:17:16,330 --> 00:17:18,960 Well, a panic attack is a downward spiral 426 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,250 of fear and panic. 427 00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:21,460 The more fear, the more panic. 428 00:17:21,460 --> 00:17:24,290 So one way to break the cycle is you get them 429 00:17:24,290 --> 00:17:27,460 to mindfully focus on something that holds their attention. 430 00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:28,790 So what did you do? [ Clears throat ] 431 00:17:28,790 --> 00:17:31,000 I told him he was on a private beach 432 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,880 that had a topless life coach. 433 00:17:35,710 --> 00:17:37,170 You showed him your boobs? 434 00:17:37,170 --> 00:17:38,880 Uh...I can't say. 435 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,580 Life coach-client privilege. 436 00:17:40,580 --> 00:17:42,000 But, uh... 437 00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:45,380 [ Chuckles ] 438 00:17:47,620 --> 00:17:49,000 ...he thought they were amazing. 439 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,960 ♪♪ 440 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,460 I want a hamster, and Doctor Woofy agrees. 441 00:17:54,460 --> 00:17:56,710 [ Deep voice ] Mary should have a hamster. 442 00:17:56,710 --> 00:17:58,250 I need your car! Quick! 443 00:17:58,250 --> 00:17:59,790 Why? I got to get to work. 444 00:17:59,790 --> 00:18:01,830 Mark: Who cares? I have a unit test. 445 00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:03,920 Everyone else in the world has a hamster but me! 446 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,290 Just give me the keys. 447 00:18:05,290 --> 00:18:06,540 Alright, when was the Battle of Antietam? 448 00:18:06,540 --> 00:18:08,540 1862. Ask me something hard. 449 00:18:08,540 --> 00:18:10,540 I'm gonna lose my job if I don't go now! 450 00:18:10,540 --> 00:18:11,670 [ Beverly Rose crying ] 451 00:18:11,670 --> 00:18:14,040 Food's coming, Beverly Rose. Food's coming. 452 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,380 Boy, you look like you're having fun. 453 00:18:15,380 --> 00:18:17,170 Yeah. 454 00:18:17,170 --> 00:18:18,920 Hey, I like a challenge. 455 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:20,830 Uh, you know, you could've texted me. 456 00:18:20,830 --> 00:18:22,710 Could've. I didn't need to. 457 00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:24,920 I don't have time for this. I got to get to work. 458 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,580 Keys. 459 00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:28,250 I know you're not going to work with those shoes. 460 00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:29,620 You're going to a party. 461 00:18:29,620 --> 00:18:31,420 Uh-huh. 462 00:18:31,420 --> 00:18:32,580 Here. 463 00:18:32,580 --> 00:18:36,170 Feed Lil Bev, and I'll pay for your Uber. 464 00:18:36,170 --> 00:18:37,460 Good catch for an amateur. 465 00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:39,290 Mm. 466 00:18:39,290 --> 00:18:41,080 Alright, you two are gonna go upstairs. 467 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,210 You're gonna study. I'll quiz you later. 468 00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:44,960 You're gonna write down all 10 reasons 469 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,710 why a puppet dog would like a hamster, 470 00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:48,210 and then you're gonna send it to your dad. 471 00:18:50,290 --> 00:18:51,750 [ Sighing ] Oh, man. 472 00:18:51,750 --> 00:18:54,620 [ Chuckling ] You're right. This is, uh -- This is hard. 473 00:18:54,620 --> 00:18:56,380 [ Laughs ] 474 00:18:56,380 --> 00:18:59,380 But I, uh, think I handled myself pretty well. 475 00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:01,120 You did -- for 10 minutes. 476 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,920 [ Chuckles ] 477 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,750 Try doing it by yourself for nine years. 478 00:19:05,750 --> 00:19:08,170 But you wouldn't be doing it by yourself this time. 479 00:19:08,170 --> 00:19:10,580 We'd be doing it together. 480 00:19:10,580 --> 00:19:13,080 Yeah, that's what David said. 481 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,170 In case you haven't noticed, 482 00:19:15,170 --> 00:19:17,540 I'm made of tougher stuff than David. 483 00:19:17,540 --> 00:19:18,750 Alright? 484 00:19:18,750 --> 00:19:20,670 I don't run when things get hard. 485 00:19:20,670 --> 00:19:23,210 I walk slowly, like I'm leaving the room to get something. 486 00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:29,120 And in case you need more convincing, 487 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:31,380 you asked David to watch your kids for a second. 488 00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:34,620 He went to South America for nine years. 489 00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:36,790 You cheated on me. 490 00:19:36,790 --> 00:19:38,170 You broke my heart. 491 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,330 I'm still here. 492 00:19:46,420 --> 00:19:47,460 Mm. 493 00:19:49,210 --> 00:19:50,710 [ Pen clicks ] 494 00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:51,580 What's that? 495 00:19:51,580 --> 00:19:52,920 A contract. 496 00:19:54,750 --> 00:19:57,960 Says that I will think about having a baby. 497 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,250 Oh, my God! 498 00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:01,670 Well, this -- this is fantastic! 499 00:20:01,670 --> 00:20:03,080 [ Laughs ] 500 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,580 Now, I'm just gonna think about it. 501 00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:10,620 And only if you agree that if we do have a baby -- 502 00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:13,620 or babies, God forbid -- 503 00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:17,420 and you bail, then you get sole custody. 504 00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:18,790 [ Laughs ] 505 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,420 Well, I will sign that. 506 00:20:22,420 --> 00:20:24,120 [ Chuckles ] 507 00:20:25,330 --> 00:20:26,500 Uh, wait a second. 508 00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:28,000 You're giving me Harris and Mark, too? 509 00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:33,710 That's right -- punitive damages. 510 00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:34,620 [ Laughs ] 511 00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:36,080 ♪♪ 512 00:20:38,750 --> 00:20:42,080 Alright, our first day is officially over. 513 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,460 Becky, how'd we do? 514 00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:45,210 Not counting credit cards... 515 00:20:45,210 --> 00:20:46,380 [ Adding machine whirs ] 516 00:20:46,380 --> 00:20:48,250 ...$1,100! 517 00:20:48,250 --> 00:20:51,000 [ Cheering ] 518 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,710 Hey, everybody. 519 00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:53,880 This is Ed. 520 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,040 Hey, everybody. 521 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,040 -Hey. -Hey. -Hey. 522 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,290 Hi, Ed. 523 00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:59,210 Uh, are you working with my grandpa? 524 00:20:59,210 --> 00:21:01,710 Yeah, we're... doing a little project. 525 00:21:01,710 --> 00:21:02,960 That's cool. 526 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,580 So I'll probably see you around. 527 00:21:06,210 --> 00:21:07,960 Hey, Harris. 528 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,170 Yes? 529 00:21:09,170 --> 00:21:10,420 You just hit on your great-uncle. 530 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,750 Oh, my -- Oh, my G-- 531 00:21:14,750 --> 00:21:18,120 I-I-I'm so sorry. 532 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,080 [ As hillbilly ] What's a matter, Harris? 533 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,210 Yer kinfolk ain't good enough fer ya? 534 00:21:23,710 --> 00:21:24,710 [ Laughs ] 535 00:21:24,710 --> 00:21:26,830 You touch her, I'll kill you. 35203

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