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1
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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:09,374
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,745
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,981
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,454
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,267
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,957
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,796
♪ He's a family guy ♪♪
10
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,536
Tuesday on
Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
11
00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:40,539
My God, what did those
drug dealers do to you?
12
00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:42,786
Oh, they took my chest out
and threw it over there.
13
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:45,244
Then they pulled my legs out
and threw them over there.
14
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:47,312
Brian, you're still watching TV?
15
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,214
God, you've been sitting there
since I left.
16
00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:53,385
Yeah. I spent all morning
watching a VH1 special
on Gwen Stefani.
17
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:55,654
I don't know what
a "hollaback girl" is.
18
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,700
All I know is I want her dead.
19
00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,102
Hey, can you hand me the remote?
20
00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:01,960
You know, you've been laying
around the house a lot lately.
21
00:01:02,028 --> 00:01:04,763
Why don't you get
a part-time job like
Peter used to have?
22
00:01:04,831 --> 00:01:06,909
♪ Ding, fries are done
Ding, fries are done ♪
23
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,978
♪ Ding, fries are done
Ding, fries are done ♪
24
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:11,035
♪ I gotta run, I gotta run ♪
25
00:01:11,104 --> 00:01:13,171
♪ I gotta run, I gotta run ♪
26
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:16,040
♪ I work at Burger King making
flame broiled whoppers ♪
27
00:01:16,109 --> 00:01:17,576
♪ I wear paper hats ♪
28
00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:19,678
♪ Would you like an apple pie
with that? ♪
29
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:21,913
♪ Would you like an apple pie
with that? ♪
30
00:01:21,981 --> 00:01:24,060
♪ Ding, fries are done
Ding, fries are done ♪
31
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,128
♪ Ding, fries are done
Ding, fries are done ♪
32
00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:28,220
♪ I gotta run, I gotta run ♪
33
00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:30,355
♪ I gotta run, I gotta run ♪
34
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,034
♪ Don't touch the fries
in hot fat ♪
35
00:01:32,058 --> 00:01:34,492
♪ It really hurts bad
And so do skin grafts ♪
36
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:36,661
♪ Would you like an apple pie
with that? ♪
37
00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:38,896
♪ Would you like an apple pie
with that? ♪
38
00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:40,998
♪ Wait for the bell
Can't hear the bell ♪
39
00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:43,235
♪ Where is the bell?
Wait for the bell ♪
40
00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:44,736
♪ Ding, fries are done ♪
41
00:01:44,804 --> 00:01:49,041
♪ Ding, fries are done ♪♪
42
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,675
Mom, guess what?
43
00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:53,523
I just found out
I got that internship
at Mayor West's office.
44
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:56,014
Wow, congratulations, Meg.
45
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:59,351
Yeah, it was a really
tough interview,
but I totally nailed it.
46
00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:02,887
All right, Meg,
we're going to start with
a little word association.
47
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,791
I'll say a word, and you say
whatever comes into your head.
48
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,069
Okay.
Mosquito.
49
00:02:07,093 --> 00:02:08,660
Bite.
Hmm. Bite.
50
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,239
Mosquito.
Ah, yes. Good one.
51
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:11,408
Uh, mosquito.
Bite.
52
00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:12,575
Mosquito.
Bite.
53
00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:13,643
Mosquito.
Bite.
54
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:14,844
Bite.
Mosquito.
55
00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:18,870
Aha! Very good. You are
a worthy opponent, indeed.
56
00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,783
Congratulations.
You're hired.
57
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:24,142
Your first job is to go
down to the corner
and tell that hobo
58
00:02:24,211 --> 00:02:26,044
I admire his spirit.
59
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:28,513
I'm too self-conscious to do it.
60
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,882
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
61
00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:33,251
You see, Brian, Meg has a job.
62
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,998
Hey, Meg, if you're
working for the Mayor,
you know what that means?
63
00:02:36,022 --> 00:02:38,382
Even you're doing
better than Brian.
64
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:41,660
Hey, everybody,
Brian's the new Meg.
65
00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:47,966
Brian's the new Meg.
Brian's the new Meg.
66
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,434
Yeah, you're the new me.
67
00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:50,502
Shut up, Meg.
68
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,053
Let's go, kids.
Time for school.
69
00:02:57,077 --> 00:03:00,645
Lois, I don't want
to ruin your morning,
but I flushed a diaper.
70
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:01,791
It's a mess up there.
71
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,985
Brian, what is this?
You're driving a cab?
72
00:03:07,053 --> 00:03:08,832
Well, Lois,
I realized you were right.
73
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,833
I mean, it's time I went
out and got a job.
74
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,736
For God sakes,
I'm seven years old.
75
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:13,992
Seven? That's not bad.
76
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:16,127
You know,
Todd was 15 when he died.
77
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,629
The dog we had before you.
78
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,564
Hey, Peter, did you call me?
79
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,577
Yeah, I thought we'd
go to the park, Todd.
80
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:24,169
Oh, you're not taking me
to the vet, are you?
81
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,304
No, no, just a nice day
at the park.
82
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:29,274
I'm a little worried that
you're gonna have me put down.
83
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:30,909
I know there's been some concern
84
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:33,478
about my sphincter's
low shutter speed.
85
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,458
No, no, we're just going
to the park, Todd.
86
00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:38,183
Oh, okay, well, I'll enjoy
the ride, then.
87
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:42,520
Around the park
one more time, Bitterman.
88
00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:43,867
Peter, I'm not your chauffeur.
89
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,924
Not for long
with that attitude, Bitterman.
90
00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:48,738
Ah! This is living,
Bitterman.
91
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:52,130
This set of wheels is
even better than those talking
cars on that commercial.
92
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,766
Hey, how you doing there?
93
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:59,003
Listen, uh, I couldn't help
but notice you across
the parking lot and, uh...
94
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,473
You know, you're... you're
very attractive and, uh...
95
00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:04,276
You want to go
behind the Applebee's
and do it? Huh?
96
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:08,646
You want to just go
have some dirty, stupid,
insane parking-lot sex?
97
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:10,748
Chuck, it's me, Morty.
98
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,217
Yeah, 'cause we could...
What?
99
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:14,085
Yeah, they had me painted.
100
00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:16,754
Oh! Oh, my God,
I'm so embarrassed.
101
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,401
Oh, my...
Hey, how do you
think I feel?
102
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,336
No, no, that, too, but...
It's not all about you,
you know.
103
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,071
Morty, oh, my God,
what are you doing?
Look at you.
104
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,856
Think I was like
a birthday present for the kid
or something like that.
105
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,231
Oh, my God, look at you.
You're... you're... you're hot.
106
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:28,545
I know.
I would've taken you...
107
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:30,012
You know what I would've
done to you back there?
108
00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:31,481
Yeah?
Why didn't you say
something earlier?
109
00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:32,870
I said all that stuff. God!
110
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:36,379
Let's not...
Let's not rule
anything out.
111
00:04:37,011 --> 00:04:38,877
Hey, look, there's Lois.
Yeah.
112
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:39,978
Hey, honk the horn.
113
00:04:42,249 --> 00:04:43,548
Oh, hi, Peter.
114
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,395
Ram her.
What?
115
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:46,584
I said ram her!
116
00:04:46,653 --> 00:04:48,253
Ah! What the hell?
117
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:49,732
Now shoot her tires out.
What?
118
00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:51,067
You got a gun?
Well, yeah.
119
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:52,368
Every cabbie carries
a gun, but...
120
00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:53,392
Give me the gun.
121
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:02,567
What the hell is wrong
with you, Peter?
You could've killed me!
122
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,514
Yeah, but I got you good, Lois.
123
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,378
Admit it.
Just say it, I got you.
124
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,308
Oh, all right, you got me.
125
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:12,722
I told you.
126
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,245
Oh, my God.
127
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,980
Oh, no, what happened here?
128
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,527
We got into a little accident.
129
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:19,128
It's all right.
Oh, no.
130
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:22,220
Well, I guess accidents happen
when you least expect them.
131
00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:24,923
That's how come
they call them accidents.
132
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,426
Oh, look, you got
the community events corkboard
133
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,093
wedged in your grill.
134
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,428
There, that's better.
135
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,097
Don't you all forget to sign up
136
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:34,565
for the Quahog Community
Talent Show.
137
00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:37,803
Talent show?
Oh, Peter, that could be fun.
138
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,637
Do you think we have
a chance at winning?
139
00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:41,873
Absolutely. I love being
around the stage.
140
00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:44,320
Except for that time
we went to see
Phantom of the Opera.
141
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:49,981
♪ Music is the gift
I give to you ♪♪
142
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,528
Let's see the gross
half of your face!
143
00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:54,118
Come on!
144
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:57,133
Let's see the gross half
of your face so I can
get out of here!
145
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,690
That nose better be piggy.
146
00:05:58,758 --> 00:06:00,198
Shut up.
You shut up.
147
00:06:01,594 --> 00:06:04,963
♪♪
148
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:19,678
Oh, your old guitar.
I haven't seen
that thing in ages.
149
00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:22,747
Well, Lois, I thought
you and me could do
a song for the talent show.
150
00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:25,383
It could be just like
the old days when
we used to play.
151
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:26,684
You remember, Lois?
152
00:06:26,753 --> 00:06:29,320
Remember our band,
Handful of Peter?
153
00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:32,290
Hi, there. I'm Peter,
and this is Lois.
154
00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:34,504
We want to talk to you
about a friend of ours.
155
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:35,993
He's not here tonight.
156
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,162
Although, you know,
he's kind of here, Lois.
157
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:39,875
You know, you're right.
He kind of is.
158
00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,566
Yeah, because he's
in our hearts.
159
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:45,237
This is a song about that man
and his world
160
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,071
that was taken from him.
161
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:58,083
♪ Noble Indian chief,
bring us back your ways ♪
162
00:06:58,152 --> 00:07:03,788
♪ You Indians were so awesome
in, oh, so many ways ♪
163
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:08,693
♪ They all loved each other
regardless of the tribe ♪
164
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,763
♪ One Comanche
needs a cup of sugar ♪
165
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,932
♪ And the Blackfoot
would oblige ♪
166
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:15,366
♪ Oblige ♪
167
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:20,005
♪ The only cause of death
was drifting off to sleep ♪
168
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,607
♪ And they left
this piece of wisdom ♪
169
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:24,709
♪ That we hope
you all will keep ♪
170
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:25,910
♪ And they said ♪♪
171
00:07:37,524 --> 00:07:38,757
They're gone now.
172
00:07:38,825 --> 00:07:40,992
How could this have happened?
173
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:42,426
How?
174
00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:45,062
Oh, I haven't thought
about that in years.
175
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,377
You know, it would be fun
to write some new songs.
176
00:07:47,401 --> 00:07:49,935
You know what else is fun?
Watching Mr. Belvedere
177
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:52,204
without people talking so loud.
178
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:53,638
So I was thinking we could...
179
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:55,140
♪ Streaks on the china ♪
180
00:07:55,209 --> 00:07:56,875
♪ Never mattered before ♪
181
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:58,210
♪ Who cared ♪
182
00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:00,223
♪ When you drop kick
your jacket ♪
183
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,025
♪ When you came through
the door ♪
184
00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:03,348
♪ No one glared ♪♪
185
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,686
Hello. Hey, Lois,
what's up?
186
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:11,623
Milk? Yeah, I'll pick some up
at the end of my shift.
187
00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:14,359
Oh, gotta go.
First fare of the night.
188
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,664
I should really pick up
that milk now before I forget.
189
00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:22,834
You son of a bitch!
190
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,349
Hey, Brian,
you see that magazine
cover right there?
191
00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:28,450
See who's on it?
192
00:08:28,474 --> 00:08:29,808
Yeah, that's Jessica Alba.
193
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:31,587
Yeah, you want to know
a secret, buddy?
194
00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:33,022
What?
I would do her.
195
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,523
Really?
Oh, yeah.
196
00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:37,693
I just wanted you
to know a little bit
about who I am.
197
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:39,050
Thanks for the milk, Carl.
198
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:43,487
What the hell? $400?
199
00:08:43,556 --> 00:08:45,356
My God, this is
a bigger ripoff than
200
00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:47,692
Peter's
Sounds of the Rainforest CD.
201
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:50,428
This will help us
fall asleep, Lois.
202
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:08,346
All right, let's get rid
of all these trees.
203
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:11,527
Once they're gone,this'll be a great placeto raise cheap beef.
204
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,785
Up yours, Sting!
Yeah, yeah!
205
00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:15,698
Hey, what's that song
he does that I hate?
206
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,121
Uh, Desert Rose.
207
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,068
Yeah, yeah, that song sucks.
208
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:24,929
Meg, I'm going to lunch now,
and I'm having pizza.
209
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,064
So if you see
the Noid running around,
210
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:29,667
tell him if he ruins
my pizza's freshness,
211
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,569
I'll snap his neck.
212
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:37,274
Hey, Meg, I need to see
the Mayor about this
$400 parking ticket.
213
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:39,255
Brian, you can't
just barge in here.
214
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,057
You have to make an appointment.
215
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,947
But this is flat-out extortion.
216
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:46,551
No, it's not.
Adam can charge whatever
he wants for a parking ticket.
217
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,664
You know, Meg,
that guy's been playing
fast and loose
218
00:09:48,688 --> 00:09:50,721
with his position
for years now,
and I've had it.
219
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:52,157
He's a corrupt bastard.
220
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:53,458
That is not true.
221
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:55,160
Yes, it is.
222
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:57,606
Somebody's got to stand up
and prove to this town
that he's a crook.
223
00:09:57,630 --> 00:09:59,763
And it looks like
it has to be me.
224
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,133
What was all the commotion?
225
00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:03,613
Oh, nothing, it was just...
226
00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:27,492
Perhaps it was the Noid
who should've avoided me.
227
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:35,833
You know what, Brian?
228
00:10:35,902 --> 00:10:38,781
It took me two hours
to spell "hat"
with these things.
229
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,038
I finally got the "T"
right side up,
230
00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:42,707
and then you come in here...
231
00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:45,309
You're a bastard.
Where are you going?
232
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:48,946
I'm going to expose
Mayor West as the corrupt
politician that he is.
233
00:10:49,015 --> 00:10:51,827
I'm on my way to meet
a source who won't talk
to me over the phone.
234
00:10:51,851 --> 00:10:54,085
Ooh! Scandal in Quahog.
Count me in.
235
00:10:56,723 --> 00:11:00,024
Oh, my God, speed up,
speed up, speed up.
236
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:03,695
Oh, there you are,
you honky son of a bitch,
come back here.
237
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,148
Thank you for coming,
Deep Throat.
238
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,550
You'll understand
if I don't come out
from the shadows.
239
00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:17,474
My identity will be safest
if you never see my face.
240
00:11:17,543 --> 00:11:18,776
Uh, okay.
241
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:21,579
Mayor West hasn't slept
at home for three nights.
242
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:23,214
Kermit the Frog?
243
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:25,227
Somebody talked!
No one is safe!
244
00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:26,328
I'm getting out of here!
245
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:29,620
What's his appeal?
246
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:36,194
♪ They should make a tube
that sends you right to work ♪
247
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:39,063
♪ That would save
a lot of gas ♪
248
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:42,133
♪ But I guess there'd be
a lot of tubes ♪♪
249
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,779
Well, that wasn't very good.
250
00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:45,981
We're never gonna
win that talent show.
251
00:11:46,005 --> 00:11:47,445
Hey, now, Peter,
you gotta remember
252
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:49,274
that when we used
to write the old songs,
253
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:52,644
we had a lot
of "inspiration," huh?
254
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:56,981
You know, I think Brian
may have some inspiration
in a cigar box under his bed.
255
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,595
I don't know, Lois.
I don't think this
is gonna work.
256
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:01,786
Come on, we can't
give up on our goals.
257
00:12:01,854 --> 00:12:03,721
What if Jesus had done that?
258
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:11,128
Why is the ironing board
still out?
259
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:18,302
That's... That's my favorite
picture of Brian over there
on that wall.
260
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:22,173
He wants to have
sex with me so bad.
261
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:26,577
He's not...
262
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:29,380
He's not gonna get to.
263
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:40,231
All right. There he goes.
Let's move.
264
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,195
I say, what are we looking for?
265
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:47,332
I don't know, some proof
of Mayor West's corruption.
266
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,934
Whoa, whoa, what... what
the hell are you guys
doing here?
267
00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:52,803
I'm sorry.
We happen to be here
to solve a case.
268
00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:54,071
Uh, we were here first.
269
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:56,874
Well, you know,
this is a free country, dude,
270
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,387
and we are here to go to work.
271
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,189
Free country,
but this is our beat,
you know?
272
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:01,591
Yeah, but we are
here to go to work.
273
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:03,426
We've been called,
and that's why we're here.
274
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,494
You know what?
I tell you.
275
00:13:04,518 --> 00:13:06,162
How about you just turn around
and walk away?
276
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,030
No, I don't think so.
Hey, you know what...
277
00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:09,820
We do not walk away.
278
00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:11,022
I'll get you started.
279
00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:14,526
♪♪
280
00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:21,243
What are you doing here, Brian?
281
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:22,766
Still trying to smear my boss?
282
00:13:22,835 --> 00:13:25,169
No, no, no. I actually
came to my senses
283
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:27,116
and realized I was out of line.
284
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,807
Uh, I'm just here to apologize.
285
00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:33,811
Oh, and, uh, you're so pretty.
286
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:37,081
You're always pretty.
287
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,783
Oh, you guys are so sweet.
288
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:41,886
Well, it's my pleasure.
289
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:43,499
Hey, can you guys hold on a sec?
290
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,033
I gotta get this
to Helen in Accounting.
291
00:13:45,057 --> 00:13:46,691
Okay, bye.
292
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,196
Aha!
293
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:52,408
The Mayor's datebook.
294
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,243
This should tell us
what we wanna know.
295
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,744
All right,
let's get out of here.
296
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:58,869
Oh, God, I feel more delirious
than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.
297
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:02,206
I'm in love with Katie Holmes!
I'm in love with Katie Holmes!
298
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:04,442
I'm not gay!
Go see my new movie!
299
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,811
I'm in love with Katie Holmes!
I'm not gay!
300
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:11,360
All we need is
one incriminating entry
in this datebook,
301
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:12,584
and that's our ticket to...
302
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,187
Hey, Brian.
What's up?
303
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:19,657
Uh, hi, uh, Lois, Peter.
304
00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:23,161
Brian, did you know
this couch was here?
305
00:14:23,229 --> 00:14:25,897
It's so comfortable.
306
00:14:25,965 --> 00:14:28,800
Hey, Lois,
look how short Stewie is.
307
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,602
He's so short.
308
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:35,639
Oh, my God.
He is short.
309
00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:41,979
Hey.
310
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,947
Hey, Brian.
311
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:46,817
He's knocking on the back door.
312
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,586
What should I do?
313
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:49,720
What?
314
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:52,590
He's knocking on the back door.
315
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:54,292
Should I let him in?
316
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,927
I'm scared.
317
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:58,295
Well, uh, you two are
busy being nude.
318
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:02,299
So, um, we'll
just, uh, head out and, uh,
319
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:05,302
let you be nude.
320
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:08,105
Who were those guys?
321
00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:10,107
I don't know.
322
00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:11,842
Room for one more?
323
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:18,427
Well, this is
the last entry
in the datebook.
324
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:22,119
"Super secret meeting
at motel. Inform no one."
325
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:23,521
I think we got him now.
326
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,670
You know, you really shouldn't
lie on that bedspread.
327
00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:29,160
I saw this report
on TV about how filthy
hotel rooms are.
328
00:15:29,228 --> 00:15:31,095
In a moment,
we will use the special lights
329
00:15:31,163 --> 00:15:35,399
to see just how filthythis seemingly cleanhotel room really is.
330
00:15:41,307 --> 00:15:43,207
Well? What do you see?
331
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:49,346
Oh, Jem, you are
truly outrageous.
332
00:15:49,415 --> 00:15:52,283
Truly, truly, truly outrageous.
333
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:55,186
I see a grown man
enjoying cartoons.
334
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:57,588
Well, that's it, then.
335
00:15:57,657 --> 00:16:00,369
The only thing this guy
is guilty of is being
a whack job.
336
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:02,526
Wait, wait, wait.
Somebody's coming in.
337
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:04,595
Oh, it's just some fat hooker.
338
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:07,898
Oh, my God, it's Meg!
What?
339
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,634
Meg and Adam West.
340
00:16:09,703 --> 00:16:10,768
Ew!
341
00:16:10,836 --> 00:16:12,436
Sorry, sorry.
342
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,445
God, this is incredible.
343
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:23,692
The Mayor is dating
a teenage intern,
and it's Meg.
344
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:24,916
What a story.
345
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,951
This is the perfect scandal
to take him down.
346
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,764
All we need is taped evidence.
347
00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:30,488
Well, I've got
the disguises right here.
348
00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:35,760
I thought you were
supposed to get the suit
and the top hat.
349
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:36,906
I liked this one better.
350
00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:38,930
Anything to wear a dress, huh?
351
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:44,402
Gosh, you're swell, Meg.
352
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:46,604
I really have a great time
when I'm with you.
353
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,407
Oh, Mayor West, I feel
exactly the same way.
354
00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:51,875
Please, please.
Call me Mayor ChapStick.
355
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:55,079
Well, we should probably go.
356
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:57,148
Here they come. Kiss me.
357
00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:01,318
Come on, we gotta follow them.
358
00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:03,132
Stewie?
359
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,488
Huh? Oh. Oh.
360
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,523
Everything all right?
Uh, yeah.
361
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:07,792
Uh...
362
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,927
Hey, listen,
freaking shot in the dark.
363
00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,596
You wanna do something sometime?
364
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,433
Great practice, Lois.
365
00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,835
We are totally ready
for that talent show.
366
00:17:18,904 --> 00:17:21,738
Oh, my God, Peter,
I am so wasted.
367
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:23,552
All I want to do
is make cookies.
368
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,454
Oh, my God, I have a great idea.
369
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:26,678
Let's make cookies.
370
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,078
We don't have to, Lois.
371
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:31,782
Look, there's a magical land
of desserts right behind you.
372
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,764
Help! Stop!
373
00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:54,772
Oh, Brian. You scared me.
374
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:56,440
Another late night, huh?
375
00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,620
Yeah, Mayor West
keeps me pretty busy.
376
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:00,477
Yeah, I noticed.
377
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,780
Where did you get that?
378
00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:05,850
Meg, what the hell
have you gotten yourself into?
379
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,252
You realize
he probably does this
with every new intern.
380
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,654
That's not true.
Adam and I are in love.
381
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,056
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
382
00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:14,925
Listen, I'm warning you
because I care about you.
383
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:17,728
I am going to the press
with this story,
and when it hits,
384
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:20,130
it'll be bigger
than Uncle Sam's nipples.
385
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,000
Jeez! What the hell?
386
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:24,680
Uh, they're called
nipples, guys.
387
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,270
They're freaking huge.
388
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:29,139
You know what?
Maybe we can just all relax
and enjoy the sauna.
389
00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:33,344
♪♪
390
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:37,347
I have to tell you
something, Adam.
391
00:18:37,416 --> 00:18:39,016
You're an alien. I know.
392
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:43,320
No, no, my dog is gonna expose
our relationship to the press.
393
00:18:43,389 --> 00:18:44,755
Well, so what?
394
00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:47,135
You and I know
that we haven't done
anything wrong.
395
00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:50,895
I told you that I'd
wait for you until
you're 18 or 21.
396
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,509
Or maybe 25,
when you can
legally rent a car.
397
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:54,632
They don't care.
398
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:56,500
They're gonna make you
look like a monster.
399
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:57,609
I see.
400
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:58,914
Well, Meg, I'm a public figure.
401
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,971
I'm used to
the tabloids' doodie.
402
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,640
It's you I'm worried about.
403
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:05,843
You're just a sweet
young lady with her whole
life ahead of her.
404
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:09,813
This story could
ruin your future,
and I can't let that happen.
405
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:12,383
I'll take the fall,
no matter what.
406
00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:18,822
Goodbye, Meg.
I'll always value
your friendship.
407
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,891
I love you, Mayor ChapStick.
408
00:19:25,197 --> 00:19:27,931
Brian?
What are you doing here?
409
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,235
I, uh, just wanted
to give you this.
410
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,738
I don't think
I'll be needing it anymore.
411
00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:36,085
I got so caught up in
taking down Mayor West
412
00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:39,043
that I just lost sight
of right and wrong.
413
00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:40,310
Thank you, Brian.
414
00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:42,090
Well, can I give you
a lift home?
415
00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:43,480
My cab's right outside.
416
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,061
Good evening.
I'm Diane Simmons,
417
00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:01,532
and I'd like to welcome youto Quahog's Fifth AnnualTalent Show.
418
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:04,301
Let's have a round of applause
for our first performer.
419
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:07,337
♪ There's no moustache
like my father's moustache ♪
420
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:10,641
♪ That's the biggest moustache
in town ♪♪
421
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,209
Play me off, Johnny.
422
00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:20,984
What else be funny tonight?
423
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,454
Uh, Star Jones got married.
That was in the news.
424
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:26,123
Married a black fellow,
which is quite a surprise
425
00:20:26,191 --> 00:20:28,125
because I'd call her
quite a catch.
426
00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:31,862
And black guys, by and large,they're not so helpfulon a fishing vessel.
427
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:34,498
Now, Portuguese,
absolutely, absolutely.
428
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,546
I even had a coupleof Japanese guyswho worked out great.
429
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:41,238
Thank you very much.
You guys have been terrific.
430
00:20:41,307 --> 00:20:44,207
And now, our final performance
of the night.
431
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:47,210
Let's hear it
for Handful of Peter.
432
00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:58,422
♪ In god's eyes,
everybody's hot ♪
433
00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:06,997
♪ This world has beauty
all through her ♪
434
00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:15,072
♪ Picture the fattest chick
you know ♪
435
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:23,514
♪ God would totally do her ♪
436
00:21:26,352 --> 00:21:30,521
♪ He'd do her all the way
Even call her the next day ♪
437
00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:33,758
♪ To see how
her work was going ♪♪
438
00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:42,800
I can't believe
we lost the talent show.
What'd we do wrong?
439
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:44,913
Well, Dad, I think I can shed
a little light on that.
440
00:21:44,937 --> 00:21:46,536
You guys were so baked,
441
00:21:46,605 --> 00:21:49,517
you didn't sound anywhere
near as good as you
thought you did.
442
00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:50,974
I was in the audience.
443
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,055
And here we thought
the weed was inspiring us.
444
00:22:04,123 --> 00:22:06,523
Well, that's a popular
misconception, Mom and Dad.
445
00:22:06,592 --> 00:22:10,661
But the fact is
the chief ingredient
in marijuana is THC,
446
00:22:10,730 --> 00:22:12,163
a mild form of acid,
447
00:22:12,231 --> 00:22:14,865
prolonged usage of which
can cause adverse effects
448
00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:17,568
to your sexual potency,
short-term memory loss,
449
00:22:17,636 --> 00:22:20,437
and can also severely damage
your brain tissue,
450
00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:22,940
central nervous system
and basic motor skills.
451
00:22:23,009 --> 00:22:24,687
To put it simply, Mom and Dad,
452
00:22:24,711 --> 00:22:27,544
there's a reason
that they call it dope.
453
00:22:27,613 --> 00:22:29,746
Trying to watch
Mr. Belvedere.
454
00:22:29,815 --> 00:22:31,848
So my advice to
the two of you would be...
455
00:22:31,918 --> 00:22:34,184
♪ According to
our new arrival ♪
456
00:22:34,253 --> 00:22:36,787
♪ Life is more than
mere survival ♪
457
00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:39,790
♪ And we just might
live the good life yet ♪♪
458
00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:41,758
♪♪
35469
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