All language subtitles for Only Fools and Horses S01E05 - A Slow Bus to Chingford

You see, I mean, to me Janice,
art, you know - art as...

an art, must by its very nature
be self-indulgent, right.

I mean as I said to,
David Hockney once, 'The

inherent element in
all artistic projects

should not be one of contemporary
mass appeal

but rather one of personal symbolism.'
Don't you agree Janice?

I dunno Rodney.

Oh well, um, you know that's
why I like talking to you,

you're one of the few people
who seems to understand me.

My brother Don paints you know.

- Really?
- Yeah, for the council.

No, that is cosmic Janice.
No really - no that is cosmic that.

That's probably why we have the same
appreciation and understanding of true art.

I mean, we have an affinity, an
aesthetic bond, we are kindred

spirits, Janice, seekers of
beauty in a broken ugly world.

- Janice?
- Yes Rodney.

- Get yer bra off.
- I can't.

Well of course you can, you
must live and be free!

- I can't Rodney, I'm not wearing one!
- Oh, well.

It ain't half dark in here innit.

Oh put him down Janice, put
him down, you don't know

where he's been... Oh well,
what we got going on here.

Oh I'll have to drop off that - thanks.
Here, look,

we don't want all this
rubbish on do we, eh?

That's better. Oi Janice, mind
his bruises won't you.

What bruises?

He's covered in 'em, it's where
the girls keep on pushing him

away with 10ft barge poles. Oh
dear, oh dear, that's better.

You're in are you Del?

Yes, yes, I'm in Rodders. Hope
you've been behaving yourself,

remember what I told you, not
to do it on your own doorstep?

We've just been sitting here
discussing art that's all.

D'you like art Del?

Oh yeah, Del used to be a
cultural adviser to the Chelsea Shed!

Yes, I like art Janice. I like
art, I'm a Renaissance man myself.

I like them picture where the
eyes follow you round the room.

Last week, down the pie and
eel shop, Del shook the

international art world to it's
very foundations by stating,

quite openly, that
Michaelangelo was a wally-brain.

Well he was a wally-brain weren't he? It
took him 12 years to paint one ceiling.

That wouldn't do your brother
Donald any good would it Janice, eh?

Well he's on bonus.

I do not believe this, I'm
gonna wake up in a minute!

Here, look, I'll tell you another thing
while we're on about it an' all.

You know some of these artists you know,
they're a bit sick if you ask me.

What are you on about now?

Well look, take a look at this right.
Now this is a

statuette of the world-famous
Venus de Milo, right?

Now who but the sick of
mind would do a sculpture

of a disabled person?
Am I right Janice?

- It's a bit sick innit!
- There you are.

It weren't like that originally!

No, no, no, this is the product of a
twisted imagination this Rodney.

Yeah here, talking of twisted imaginations
are you still looking for a job?

What in this country?

There's three million
unemployed, what chance has Rodney got?

Well, with his big brother looking after
him he's got every chance in the world.

Now take one of your purple hearts
Rodney because I've got a surprise for you.

I have managed to secure you for a position
with a newly formed security company!

Now they did want a man
with previous experience

and, as your last job
was a milk monitor,

I did have a bit of trouble
persuading them but,

however, I have managed
to swing it for you.

Are you putting me up Del?

No, definitely, I've got a job
for you Rodney!

Hey that's great Del!

Yeah, it's alright, you'll
start off as a trainee NSO.

No.

Oh yes and who knows my
son you know - you know,

use your old filbert,
keep your nose clean,

a couple of years' time
you could you could end

up as a, well - I don't
know - a senior NSO.

- Oh I will Del, I won't let you down son.
- What's an NSO.?

Oh don't be gauche Janice.
What's an NSO.?

They don't know they're born
some of them do they?

That's right! Tell her what an
NSO is Del.

An NSO Janice is a Nocturnal
Security Officer.

Yeah see it's a nocturnal
security officer. That

don't 'arf sound like
a night watchman Del!

It's nothing like a nightwatch-man!
I mean

yeah, yeah, you will
have to work at night.

And will some of my duties
include 'watching'?

No they won't, no I mean all you'll have
to do is, you'll just have to - you know,

you just have to well...
keep an eye out.

What is the name of this
recently formed security company then?

Oh well, you wouldn't have
heard of 'em.

Try me Del. Come on, let's
have it.

It's called... Trotter Watch!

Trotter Watch, that's you
innit? I'm working for you, ain't I?

Yeah, you see the way I see
it Rodney is that crime is a

growth industry so I'm getting
in while the going's good.

It's a nice regular job - got
a uniform - good wages.

How good?

We'll talk about that later.
First of all let us try on your uniform eh?

Yeah come on, slip into.
There it is. Oh

look at that, colour
suits you don't it, eh?

Yes look at that fit, oh yeah,
deja vu, it's like made to measure innit?

Yeah for someone else!

Oh well the sleeves and that
- well he'll grow into them.

Don't worry about that, hey,
let's have a look - that's it.

- TW.
- That's right, stands for Trotter Watch.

Could also stand for Traffic
Warden though.

Well - yes it could,
Traffic warden yeah.

This is a traffic warden's
uniform innit?

It is not a traffic warden's
uniform!

You've got me done up as a
bloody traffic warden!

Look it is once and for all
not a traffic warden's

uniform! Now just trust me will you...
Put your cap on.

I look like a traffic warden. I look like
a traffic warden who hasn't been well!

No you don't, you look stunning Rodders.
Oh yeah, look

at that, you're emitting
authority all over the place.

I'm not doing it Del. I don't
want the job.

Oh no, come on Rodney,
you've got to do it,

you can't let me down,
I gave then your word.

Gave who my word?

The people down at the
Tyler Street bus and coach

garage. That's where
you're gonna be based.

No I'm definitely not doing it
Del.

Oh alright, yeah okay. Well
of course if you're scared!

You could admit it, come on.
Allemagne dix points,

Janice'll understand if yer
bottle has gone.

Me scared? You must be joking!

Ah, that's the spirit, now I
want you down there tomorrow

night nine o' clock. I'm a
stickler for punctuality right.

Right then, I'm going to bed.

By the way, excuse me a minute Janice,

Your bondage robes
there're in the garage - alright?

And Grandad has washed
your whip and he's put it

in the airing cupboard. I
don't think it's shrunk.

Well I'll leave you two love birds alone.
And shall I just say 'Buenos Aires'. its.

Janice he was only...

You rotten git Del!

Well I'll leave it in your
capable hands then Rodders.

Yeah cheers Del... you realise this job's
gonna mess up my love-life don't you!

Yeah, that's why I'm giving you
every second Sunday off, ain't I?

Yeah but Janice is hardly gonna
be happy with that is she?

I mean while I'm down here at nights she
could be going out with someone else.

Now don't worry about that.
What d'you think

I'm all dressed up
for like this, eh?

I'm taking Janice out for
a meal.

You're taking Janice out?

Of course I am, for your sake, otherwise
she might be going out with somebody else!

- Yeah, cheers Del. But if she's...
- Why are you wearing plimsoles?

What?

I said, why are you wearing
plimsoles, don't you think

they mar the overall symmetry
of the uniform somewhat?

- I can run faster in these...
- You what?

I mean give chase you know...
pursue and detain sort of!

No, nothing happens round here.
It's as quiet as a grave.

Well I'll see you in the morning
then Rodders, take care now!

Yeah, don't worry about
me Del, I'll be alright.

Ah, here you are Grandad, there you go.
Look at that.

Look at that, eh? It's beautiful innit?
Beautiful.

It's gonna earn our
fortunes this is Grandad!

Come on Rodney it's ten to nine.

I used to be a security officer
you know, before the war.

Blimey, do you mean to say that somebody
actually trusted you with their property?

It's like trusting a piranha fish
with yer finger - or worse.

Oh yeah, it was a big warehouse
over Kilburn way, stocked

everything from bedroom
suites to kiddies' toys.

Well, there was this fella
used to work there, he

used to arrive every morning
in a big Wolseley car,

he wore a camel-hair
overcoat, kid gloves and he

always carried a brand-new
leather attache case

and he smoked expensive cigars.
Well, call it

intuition if you like, but
I was suspicious of him.

- Yeah, why?
- Well he was only a sweeper-up!

Cor, how do you do it Holmes?

Anyhow, one night he was
leaving I stopped him

and I searched his attache case.
It was empty.

Still, unperturbed by this minor
hiccup in my investigation.

I stopped him and
searched his attache case

every night for a whole year.
Then he left.

I wonder why?

I don't remember. I think
he claimed someone was

victimizing him. No
unions in them days see.

No, well that is it - innit, eh?

Anyway, a couple of
weeks after he left the

auditors come. D' you know
what they discovered?

We was missing 348 attache
cases!

What do you mean you had been
searching stolen gear?

Yeah and I got done for it. Finger-prints.
There's a moral to

that story Del Boy but for the
life of me I can't find it.

I don't think I'm even gonna
bother to look either Grandad.

Hello the son of the bride of
Dracula. Here he is.

- What time is it?
- The time is nearly nine o' clock.

Nine? I'm gonna be late if I
don't get a move on.

No, no, it's alright.
There's no hurry, go on,

sit down. Take it easy,
that's it, go on.

Let me get you a cup of
tea, alright?

- Oh yeah.
- Here you go then.

Are you still taking my part
with Janice?

Yes, don't worry, I won't let
you down.

Oh cheers Del... How am I doing?

Very well, very well. Yes one
more steak meal could crack it.

Yeah? I haven't done this well
with a girl for a long time.

You're like me Rodney, I never
ever found it easy to get girlfriends.

I wonder why.

Here it's still light out. It's
broad daylight!

Yeah, of course it would
be wouldn't it, nine

o' clock in the morning,
what do you expect?

Nine o' clock in the morning?
I thought it would be

nine at night. I've only
been in bed 20 minutes!

What d'you wake me for?

Sit down. Sit down. It's alright, alright,
don't exaggerate, 20 minutes.

Listen, I want to discuss something
very important with you see.

What could be that important, eh? I
haven't got Janice into trouble, have we?

Don't be silly, least I hope not. I want
to talk to you see. No, listen now,

this night security job of yours is
merely a tiny part of my immaculate scheme.

What immaculate scheme?

The Tourist Trade Rodney.
The Tourist Trade. Did you

realise that over 2,000 are
pouring into London every day?

And I happen to know, despite
the fact that tourism has

never been so high, the coach
party trade is falling off.

Now, why you may ask, is that Del? Well,
since you ask, I will tell you Rodney.

The reason is yer average tourist gets fed
up, don't he, of seeing the old places.

Like the Houses of Parliament,
Buck House, the National

Gallery. Once you've seen one
Rubens, you've seen them all.

Now this is where a dynamic person like
me steps in.

Wake up while your brother's
being dynamic!

So, go on.

Yeah, right, you see out
there Rodney, out there is a

new vibrant exciting London
waiting to be discovered.

- Is there?
- Yeah of course there is. Ethnic London.

Ethnic London?

Yeah, yes, you know all
those romantic places

that you've heard
about in fairy tales.

You know the Lee Valley Viaduct, the
glow of Lower Edmonton at dusk,

the excitement of a walk about in Croydon,
yeah, look what I've had printed.

Oh I don't believe this.
Trotter's Ethnic Tours.

What's all this squiggly
stuff and the Chinese?

The squiggly stuff - the squiggly - that
is Arabic and the Chinese is Japanese.

It's a well-known fact that 90
per cent of all foreign tourists

come from abroad, so we've got
to speak the lingo, ain't we?

We?

French I like it. Already
you're picking up the

lingo. It's what I call
enthusiasm Rodney.

I weren't speaking French Del,
I meant what do you mean 'we'?

We, us - you know, us - here you know -
'cos it's a family enterprise innit.

Grandad, he'll sell the programmes,
I shall be the courier

and you, Rodney, you have
got the best job of all

'cos you will drive the
bus, hold tight everybody

Rodney's coming, eh? It'll
be another wage Rodney.

I've already got a wage Del.

Yeah but you can't afford to
live on what I pay you, can you!

I don't know Del, how much you
paying me?

Well not a lot, not a lot.
You see I can't afford

to. See, well I, I done a
deal with the bus garage,

what happened was I
provided them with a

nightwatchm... a nocturnal
security operative, see,

and they provided me with an open-topped
bus. That saves the exchange of any cash.

- You know, stops any paperwork and...
- And income tax?

Income tax yeah. Well, come
on, what about it Rodney,

a lot of work and effort's
gone into this enterprise.

I mean, Grandad, he was up town
this morning at the crack of dawn

distributing all those
leaflets to every hotel,

boarding house and
hostel he could find.

Grandad, he believes in this
scheme, don't you Grandad?

Ethnic tours, it's the most stupidest thing
I've ever heard of.

See.

Del you can't expect me to
work all night then, in the

morning, drive a bus load of
tourists round ethnic London?

I've got to sleep Del.
My whole body is crying out for sleep.

Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you
what I'll do, I'll get you

some assistance at the garage
then you can have a kip,

- I'll get you an ex-police dog.
- An ex-police dog?

- Yeah, now do you fancy some breakfast?
- I wouldn't say no.

Good, great, come on then, off you go,
there you go - in there.

While you're in there make me
a bacon sandwich, alright?

Where are you gonna get an ex-
police dog from?

- I'll get him - I'll get him Nero.
- Who's Nero?

Nero, Janice's corgi!

We clearly stated on our
leaflets nine o' clock was

departure time. Here we are
eleven-thirty, no sign of 'em!

I've told you before no one
will turn up.

Yes they will, soon as the word spreads
about a bit, they'll be here in droves.

No the only thing that worries me is,
is a 59-seater bus gonna be big enough?

Perhaps we should have
had two, you know maybe three.

- A tandem would be too big.
- Leave it out will you.

I'll bet not one single tourist
arrives.

- I'll bet you, 50 quid they do.
- Right, 50 quid, you're on.

- Right then.
- Alright.

- Right.
- Right.

Shut up you two will yer. I
didn't get a wink of sleep

last night taking that
rotten dog for walkies...

and what 'ave yer. That's
a funny kind of police

dog that Del, it saw a
cat and run a mile.

Ah well, cats aren't Nero's
strong point. But show

him a burglar and it becomes
a tower of strength.

Where's all the tourists then?
I thought we'd be

having an ethnic look
round Chingford by now.

Don't worry, they'll be here.

Shut up you...

How much you charging them for
his tour then?

- 17 quid each.
- 17 pounds for a walk-about in Croydon?

Well that includes lunch don't it.
Traditional British flare...

...doner kebab, something like that.

A doner kebab. For 17 nicker
I'd want Donna Summer.

You would wouldn't you,
you tight wad. No,

these tourists, they don't
mind splashing out,

providing they're getting value for money.

Now look at that, they'll snap these
souvenirs of Olde London up they will.

That's a snip that is at a fiver a go,
almost alabaster, you know.

You're going to sell
'em models of a Greek

statue now housed in the
Louvre gallery Paris

for souvenirs of Olde London? It's
the Venus de Milo, Del.

No, that is Boadicea that is
innit?

Boadicea rode round in a chariot with
big swords sticking out the wheels.

Alright, so she fell off her
chariot.

You're just trying to rip 'em
off, aren't you?

Au contraire Rodney, au contraire.
No, I don't want to leave them potless.

I want them to have
some money in their

pockets, at least enough
for us to have a tip.

As a courier what do you
actually know about

these places you
intend to drag 'em to?

Know? Nothing, which means
twice as much as they

know. Don't worry, I
shall bluff 'em Rodney.

I shall use the old spiel.
If there're

questions that I find a
bit dodgy to answer,

I shall just say I can't understand their
English. Don't worry, it'll be a doddle.

I mean, today I shall take
'em down Shoreditch and

show 'em the house where
Sherlock Holmes was born.

Sherlock Holmes was fictional.

Was he? Oh well, I'll just say his house
was blown up during the war.

Tomorrow I shall take
them to the summit of Mount Pleasant.

The summit of Mount Pleasant!

What's the matter with you Grandad,
can't you stand heights or something.

Mount Pleasant hasn't got a summit.
All it's

got is a big post
office sorting depot.

Well that's ethnic innit, eh? We can
give 'em a guided tour of the depot,

you know show 'em the
workers getting the most

from our post. I should
stay awake if I was you.

They'll be here in their
hundreds in a minute.

I'll take 'em over to
North London, you know,

show 'em where Jack the
Ripper was buried.

Nobody knows where Jack
the Ripper was buried.

Then they cannot prove me wrong, can they?

Shall we give 'em another
five minutes then go Del

Yeah, alright. Take the
bus back to the garage

then you can begin your
night shift, alright?

I want you back first thing
in the morning though.

And don't forget to take Nero out so
that he can do his business, alright?

A pint of lager Rodney,
they'd sold right out of

Pina Coladas Del, so I got
you a Mackeson instead.

Oh that's good thinking yes,
thank you Grandad.

What are you going to do
if the tourists start

asking about the
history of the places.

I mean, say one of them wants to know how
the Elephant and Castle got it's name.

Well I'll just say... er,
once upon a time Richard the

Lionheart or Coeur de Lion as
the French used to call him -

which he did not like one
little bit - see where a

little bit of intimate
knowledge goes a long way

in impressing people. Well,
I'll say that he had

a castle situated roughly
near the roundabout.

And what about the 'elephant'
bit?

I'll say er, Hannibal and his elephants lay
siege to the castle and Bob's yer uncle.

But Hannibal crossed the Alps.

I know, on his way to the
castles, and the natives who

had never seen an elephant,
they were sorely afraid.

And that is how it became known in
that area as the Elephant and Castle.

If they'd never seen an elephant before
how did they know it was an elephant?

For Gawd sake Grandad,
a elephant's a bloody

elephant, innit? I mean
you can't odds that!

I mean, you can't look at an
elephant and say, I know we'll

call this place the Cow and Castle,
you can't do that can you?

But you're not telling them
the truth are you?

The truth? The truth, you're
so naive, Rodders. The truth

is only relative to what you
can earn from a lie! Einstein.

I'll tell you one truth
that you won't earn a

brass farthing out of.
No one's gonna turn up.

They will turn up. They've got to...
This time next year we'll be millionaires.

You said that this time last
year!

You're eating, ain't yer?

No. I wanted to do this
for years Rodney. I

always thought if we could
make a success of it,

that eventually we would go legit.
You know, we would

register the name Trotters
Independent Traders

as a proper McCoy company.
I have this dream

where you and I own this
skyscraper office block

on the South Bank. And we're
standing on the balcony

in a penthouse suite
with a couple of sorts,

Gabrielle, Bianca,
bra-less but with class

here did you know your
Janice doesn't wear a bra.

Yeah, I know.

Oh you know. Anyway we're
in our penthouse full

of rubber plants and
pine tongue and groove -

and we're sipping red drinks.
And above us on top

of this skyscraper in
50ft neon high lettering

are the initials of Trotters Independent
Traders! Good innit, eh?

Triffic Del.

They've got to come. My
dream starts the way

every success starts,
with a big rip-off.

Del. Grandad's right, no-ones
gonna turn up.

Yes they will, you wait and see.

I think that dream of yours
contains a subliminal message.

Yeah, you what?

A sort of subconscious truth.
You see this skyscraper

belonging to Trotters
Independent Traders right!

And on the roof is the
company's initials and

you're standing on the
penthouse balcony?

Well don't you see what the
dream's trying to tell you?

As you're standing on that
balcony with your red drink -

just above your head, in 50ft-high
neon lettering, is the word 'TIT'.

Come on, let's call it a day.

You owe me 50 quid on that bet!

Alright you old pessimist!

What about our wages then Del?

Oh yeah, I meant to
talk to you about that!

I thought that was going to be
the big one Rodney. I thought

I was gonna become the Freddie
Laker of the highways.

It was a nice try Del.

Yeah, I don't understand it though,
I just don't understand it.

Grandad distributed a thousand
leaflets, a thousand.

You'd have thought that
one, just one punter

might have been interested.
Still, as dear old Mum used to say

'Its better to know you've lost
than not to know you've won'.

Dear old Mum, she used to say some
bloody stupid things...

I'm gonna chuck this down the
chute.

Well that weren't too bad was it Rodney?
I've had two days away from the housework,

a nice little drink and
I've won meself a 50 quid

bet. Very nice, very nice indeed...
Where's Del Boy?

Oh he's just gone to chuck
that sign down the dust chute.

The dust chute? Oh my Gawd!

Grandad! Come here, you senile
old parasite.

It wasn't me Del, it was me
brain!

It was your - I'll brain you if I catch
up with you. Come here. Get him! Oi!