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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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HORSE WHINNIES AND SNORTS
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Whether Elizabeth's spies
knew about the letter
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is still a matter
of much conjecture.
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JULIAN: Hello!
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Where's she been hiding?
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She's not dead, Julian.
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The good ones never are.
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It's just a costume.
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They're making a documentary -
History's Greatest Plots.
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Apparently, there was a coup
planned here back in the day.
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Hey, look, that wasn't a coup,
per se.
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That was an informal discussion
with some parliamentary colleagues
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about Maggie's leadership style.
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You know? She's not talking
about the '80s, mate.
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Look at her! What plot
she talk abutt? About? 00:01:06,200
That's just what they told us.
I thought you might know.
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ROBIN GRUNTS
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It's possible
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Elizabeth's forces simply
happened upon the plotters...
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BUZZING
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Oh!
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SHE SQUEALS
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GHOSTS LAUGH
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One for the bloopers!
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..Elizabeth's forces simply
happened upon the plotters...
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What?
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Do you know, I don't think
I've ever seen you laugh. Yeah. 00:01:29,480
I asked the producer
if they'll name-check the house
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and he just stared at me blankly,
so...
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That's the producer over there,
Mike.
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Oh. Well, then I asked some guy.
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Er, do you mind? Some of us are
trying to learn something here.
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..regarded by many
as a martyr, a mastermind,
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a hero, and perhaps
the most important person ever
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to have walked these grounds.
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Is it me? Sounds like me.
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Which is why the history books
echo with the name
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Sir Humphrey Bone.
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Oh. Huh. Hmm.
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Heavens! Why, I think she means...
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ALL: Oh.
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Oh, it's fallen off again!
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Humphrey? Where is he?
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It's just such an incredible place.
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You can almost hear the history
echo from the walls.
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Yeah, it's almost like...
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HUBBUB
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..it doesn't shut up!
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And there's a Stuart facade,
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and the Dutch gable, and the...
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High-end B&B? In the gatehouse,
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opens next spring. Tell your
friends. We could probably
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do a discount...
We're really, really lucky
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to have found - well, been given -
this place.
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Actually, we did wonder
if you'd be up for talking about
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your family connection
to the house on camera.
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Who? Me?
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I-I-I-I... I've never been
on camera.
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Well, have a think about it.
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Yeah. She'll think about it.
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Are you mad?
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Context? The interview.
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To make the gatehouse a guest house,
we need ghosts. Guests.
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And this is free publicity, so...
No, forget it.
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I'm not going on telly.
Why? What are you so scared of?
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Going on telly!
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Oh, you'd be great. No!
The camera would love you.
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Just tell your story,
name-drop the house, and...
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..oh, you could wear a top
with our logo on it.
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We don't have a top
with our logo on it.
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Hmm. We don't have a logo.
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Hmm. I'll call Obi.
He'll do us a quick logo.
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Oooh...
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Bad moonah on the rise.
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Dust cover sun.
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Birds fall. Crop fail.
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Something wicked this way come.
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BARKING
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Bitches? Bitches!
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Oh, that explain it.
Anybody home?
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Ah, Annabel!
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ALL: Alison.
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I was hoping I'd catch you.
LADY BUTTON: Humphrey?
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Humphrey! Humphrey!
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Humphrey? Humphrey!
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Humphrey!
MARY: Head bit?
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Humphrey? I'm just saying,
personally speaking,
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I can't remember ever seeing you
properly laugh.
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That's absolute nonsense.
I laugh all the time.
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Why, only the other evening,
Fanny and I were in stitches
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while recalling
the satirical skewering
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of socio-political institutions
in The Mikado.
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Isn't that right, Fanny?
Mm? The Mikado?
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Oh, hilarious skewering of
socio-political institutions.
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Hysterical. Side-splitting.
Riotous.I concur. So I hope that puts
this matter to rest. Carry on.
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Humphrey! Head? Humphrey?
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Humphrey!
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Neither of you laugh!
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KITTY: Found it!
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Him! Him, sorry.
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You didn't tell us you were famous.
Am I? Ooh, that's nice.
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Am I a painter?
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She means the plot, mate.
The Catholic plot.
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Oh, that.
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You always said your death
was just a misunderstanding.
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Well, in a way, yeah.
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Certainly wasn't, erm...
straightforward.
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What, one chop?
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Well, it sounds pretty
straightforward to me,
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but then I was burned alive, so...
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All right, now, steady on, Mary.
Steady. Steady.
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Well... I mean more that
the circumstances were...
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..complicated.
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I could tell you about it if you
like. Well, if you wouldn't m
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That would be wonderful, yes.
We've got all day.
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Well...
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Yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum!
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Ooh, thank you.
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HUMS TO HIMSELF
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Bon matin?
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Did you sleep well?
Er, dormir...bon?
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Cos it gets quite draughty
down your end of the, um...
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Do you want a bit of brekkie? Boeuf?
Bit of brekkie, Sophie?
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SIGHS
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Oh, la la.
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Qu'est ce qu'il veut maintenant?
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Erm, I was just wondering
if there might be
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something you might fancy doing.
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Not with me. Not with me.
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No, erm, I meant more for you.
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Like a hobby.
Oh, c'est insupportable.
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Something that might make you
a bit more...
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..joyeux?
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Uh, tapestry? Maybe?
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Or you could learn some English?
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Or there's archery,
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or you could learn a bit of English.
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It doesn't matter, actually.
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Livres.
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Me leave?
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I live here. Livres.
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Salon de lecture?
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Oh, like a reading group!
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Yeah, great idea.
You could use the chart room
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up in my end if you wanted.
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And maybe in winter,
you could learn a bit of English.
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It is...ugly language.
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It is AN ugly language,
but, yes, well done. Very good.
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KITTY: Humphrey?
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Humphrey?
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Humphrey? Sorry.
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It's not someone I've thought about
in a very long... What ab
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Do you like jokes?
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Hmm.
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Oh, I don't think we ever lent you
a champagne bucket,
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cos, well, we don't own
a champagne bucket.
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Well, you do now.
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Oh, a film crew!
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How surprising.
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I'm surprised.
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Though, now I think of it,
I do remember Jan from the shop
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mentioning something
about a documentary, was it? Oh.
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Lucky I dropped by!
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I do feel lucky. I imagine they
could use a little local knowle
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fill in the gaps in their research.
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I'm not sure that you...
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..care what I say, or know my name.
Hello there!
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Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
local landowner slash historian.
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Urgh. He hasn't changed, has he?
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Arrogant, sleazy,
and entirely self-serving.
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Can you believe I used to associate
with that type?
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SNORTS
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So I've done a lot of...
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Hello. See that?
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I spy Harry Heart Attack.
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Those three-bottle lunches
finally catching up with him, eh?
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Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha...
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Oh, no.
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Alison!
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You have to get him out of here
right now.
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What are you talking about?
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Barclay is on the verge
of a heart attack.
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Trust me, I know the signs.
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What if he carks it right there
and doesn't move on?
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We could be stuck with him forever.
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I think you're getting a bit
carried away. Which means
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you could be stuck with him, too.
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Every day.
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For the rest of your life.
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Oh, no.
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Lovely strip of land at the end of
the drive there once belonged to me.
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Ahh.
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No way. OK, what about 4:30?
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Can you do it by 4:30?
It's not about the deadline.
196
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I'm just not doing black text
on a white T-shirt.
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I'm an artiste.
198
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,760
What? Would you ask Michelangelo
to touch up your skirting boar
199
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,120
Depends on his prices.
And if he could do it by 4:30.
200
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,600
Here's what I'll do -
custom vector logo,
201
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:13,200
three-colour digiprint
on a high-weave cotton blend!
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Sounds great. Thanks, man.
Owe you one.
203
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,200
And you'll credit me on air, right?
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I mean, if they ask about the top.
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Oh, they'll ask about the top!
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00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,160
That's a fact!
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00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:28,800
And the priest says, "I know!
That's why I painted it gold."
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00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,800
That is offensive to at least
five different religions.
209
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There are only three in it.
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Give over.
It's just a harmless bit of fun.
211
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,200
You haven't heard
me jumbo jet joke yet.
212
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,960
There's a nun, a gorilla
and a paed...
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00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,560
Do you mind?
I'm baring my soul here.
214
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,720
You're making this very slow
and painful.
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00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,080
Unlike his execution. Oh!
216
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,760
Now, where was I?
217
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,360
Oh, yeah.
218
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,680
Book club.
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00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,200
Bonjour. Good to, er, see you.
Bonjour again.
220
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,960
Ca va?
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00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:07,120
Happy reading.
What book is it this week?
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00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,320
Quel livre?
223
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,960
Le Printemps d'Yver,
Contenant Plusieurs Histoires
224
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,240
Discourses en Cinq Journees
225
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,520
en Une Noble Compagnie
au Chateau du Printemps.
226
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,320
Well, don't tell me how it ends.
227
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:27,320
Je voulais vous remercier.
Pour m'avoir laisse faire ca.
228
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:28,840
Je me sens un peu mieux.
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00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,520
Ssh...
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00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:31,560
Moi...
231
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,760
..joyeux.
232
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,200
Thank you. You're welcome.
233
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,240
DOOR CLOSES
234
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,520
Well, don't just stand there.
We have much to do.
235
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:52,200
We've received word from Queen Mary.
236
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,720
She approves of your plan,
but only if we can act quickly.
237
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,520
There are spies everywhere.
238
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,040
We cannot delay.
239
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,640
Then Monday it is. We get Elizabeth
on her way to chapel.
240
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,560
By this time next week, the true
Queen will sit on the throne.
241
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,720
Death to Queen Bess.
ALL: Death to Queen Bess.
242
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,200
What about him?
243
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,440
He knows nothing.
244
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,200
Famously.
245
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,200
THEY CHUCKLE
246
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,520
He is a good man.
247
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,120
So the plan is to conceal
our blades here by the colonnade...
248
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,920
Well, fancy that! Young filly there
seems to think I might have
249
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,320
some useful insights -
her words, not mine.
250
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,200
Well, mine, but she nodded.
251
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,320
Wants to get me on camera.
252
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:44,280
And you're not, like,
nervous about...?
253
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,360
Ah-ah-ah!
254
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,200
What I... What I mean by that is...
255
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,400
Tell the old guff to go and die
on his own property.
256
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,360
He's got enough of it.
Are you OK?
257
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,440
Me? Yes. Fit as a fiddle. In fact,
258
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,800
I'm on a bit of a health kick.
259
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:01,200
After 20 years
of no exercise whatsoever,
260
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,160
I've just taken up squash.
261
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:05,840
Yeah, that'll do it.
What is squash?
262
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,640
So, we've got a few more shots
to grab in the Rose Garden
263
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,920
and then we'll be back to do
the interviews.
264
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,680
If you're both happy and...
Marvellous!
265
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,040
Yeah. I'll go and rehearse.
There's no need
266
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,560
to prepare anything, really.
267
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,880
Best to keep it natural.
Conversational.
268
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,280
Of course. Of course.
269
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,480
Amateur.
270
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:26,200
You have got to get him out of here!
271
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,840
I meant to say, Zara, there's
a stunning view of the house,
272
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,280
er, from just...
just past that fence.
273
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,520
I thought it might make a nice
background for Barclay's interview.
274
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,040
OK. I'll take a look.
275
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:38,800
Yeah, yeah. Just PAST the fence.
276
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,600
Just outside the grounds.
Outside. Outside.
277
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,600
Outside. Did you say outside?
278
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:44,960
Yeah, I think she got it.
279
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,880
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
local historian.
280
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,000
Friend of the house.
281
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:57,400
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
Button House spokesman.
282
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:00,720
What's he doing here?
283
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,400
Cheg-Betwynde. Beg-Chetwynde.
284
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,000
He just appeared. Like posh Batman.
285
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,680
Well, he's in there saying
he's our spokesman. Yeah, well, 00:13:10,200
he spoke to Zara and they want
to film a bit with him now.
287
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,080
What? Yeah. Can't let him speak for
Oh, pile on the pressure.
289
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,640
It's just, I know that you can do
it. You're the face of Button House.
290
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,240
Because you know what you've got?
291
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,520
Inner strength?
292
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,920
I was going to say a branded
sweatshirt coming, but...
293
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,320
But inner strength. OK.
294
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,520
Yeah? Love you.
295
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,640
Is it your oral skills?
296
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,440
Excuse me? That worry you,
about the interview?
297
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:36,120
I just don't want to be on camera,
like public speaking.
298
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,840
I understand entirely.
299
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:41,040
I remember my first confabulation
on Button FM.
300
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:45,120
Stammering like
a chicken-hearted clown.
301
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:49,680
But I found my voice, Alison,
and I can help you find yours.
302
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,640
OK?
303
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,400
OK.
304
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,760
How dare you?
305
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,880
I'll have you know
I've got my entertainers badge.
306
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,080
I just hadn't sewn it on yet.
307
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,120
The same with my sewing badge.
308
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,000
I'm simply saying that
the reason you so rarely see us
309
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,800
reduced to fits of hysteria
is because in present company,
310
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,360
we're seldom given cause.
All right, then.
311
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,400
Why don't you make us all laugh,
show us how it's done?
312
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:15,640
I'll handle this, Fanny.
313
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,680
Right. Now.
I just remember thinking,
314
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,560
"Well, it must be
a pretty good book,
315
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,880
"cos they've been in there
for ages."
316
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:25,360
Farewell. Au revoir.
Er, bon...to see you all.
317
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:27,880
Take care.
318
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,720
HUMS TO HIMSELF
319
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,200
Oh, someone forgot their...
320
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,760
Oh!
321
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,200
Oh, no.
322
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,280
The butler burnt the butter
but the bacon bore the brunt.
323
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,240
The butler burnt the butter but
the bacon bore the brunt.
324
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,520
The butler burnt the butter
but the bacon bore the brunt.
325
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,880
The butler burnt the butter
but the bacon...
326
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,800
Something amusing?
Sorry. It's just,
327
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,960
it's hard to think of you
in a sort of, well, teacher role.
328
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,840
Ah, I see.
329
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,400
Because of the frisson.
330
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,840
The frisson?
The frisson between us.
331
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:17,840
I know it is difficult, Alison,
but while you are under my tutelage,
332
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,160
you really must pretend
there is no frisson.
333
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,480
Thomas, there is no frisson.
334
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,120
That's the spirit.
335
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:26,720
Now, then, your turn.
336
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:30,480
The butler... The butler
burnt the butter and the butter...
337
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:33,600
BUTler. The butler burnt the
butter...Bu-t-t-t. Big but. Big but.
That's it.
339
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,520
VIBRATES LIPS
340
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,280
MUFFLED: Welcome to Button House.
That's it.
341
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,240
I know it feels strange
but it really strengthens...
342
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,000
Shaking everything.
343
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,280
VIBRATES LIPS
344
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,040
I am a confident
and beautiful young woman.
345
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,520
I am a confident woman...
And I deserve to be on television.
346
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,560
Welcome to Button House.
Hands at our sides.
347
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,880
We're not a seagull.
348
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,520
Thomas is terrific and I wish...
Thomas is terrific and I wish...
349
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,240
..we were betrothed.
..we were... No.
350
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,160
It's just an exercise.
351
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,280
Fine, we'll do something else.
352
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,400
And the quartermaster says,
"You may have paid the bill,
353
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,200
"but I'm still the PATE familias."
354
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,640
Because he'd had the pate.
355
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:13,880
The pate! Do you see?
356
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,240
It's very clever.
357
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:17,560
She didn't laugh.
358
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,960
You didn't laugh.
359
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,880
Nobody laughed. Yes.
360
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,720
Long, fancy words don't make
something funny.
361
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,640
I find I often laugh most
at the simplest things.
362
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,000
Duly noted.
363
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,760
Like someone else laughing. Oh, yes.
364
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,560
Laughter is contagious.
365
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,840
What? Oh, no! Oh, no, no.
Not in a bad way, Kitty.
366
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,840
No, just that laughter
breeds more laughter.
367
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,160
Preposterous. Balderdash.
368
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,960
SHE LAUGHS
369
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:46,640
HE CHUCKLES
370
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,440
THEY LAUGH
371
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:04,520
PHONE RINGS
372
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,200
What's up? About this top.
I've been...
373
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,480
Haven't you done it yet?
Impact-wise, we could wrap the text
374
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,040
around the trunk and...
I don't care if you potato-print it
375
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,120
on a bin bag, as long as
it says Button House
376
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,040
and it's here by 4:30, yeah?
All right, all right, I'm on it!
377
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:21,200
This sweater
is my Sistine Chapel roof.
378
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,440
Ceiling. Is it? Good.
379
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:26,720
Because I just googled the roof
and I weren't blown away.
380
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:33,320
UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER
381
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,240
LAUGHING: I can't help myself!
382
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,600
ALL GASP FOR BREATH
383
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,200
Anyway, where was I?
384
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,680
About to die. Oh, yeah.
385
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,440
If you can calls that dying.
386
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,440
Bonne nuit, Sophie.
387
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,560
What have you done?
388
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,360
OUTSIDE: Halt! Her Majesty's Guard.
We have to go.
389
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,800
Go? What?
390
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,200
You want to live, we must go.
391
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,840
OUTSIDE: Who do you think you are?
392
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,560
Humphrey!
393
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:27,280
I'll hold them off as long as I can.
394
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,000
THUDDING
395
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,000
Quoi?!
396
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,960
This isn't the life
you signed up for. Go!
397
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,760
Have another one.
398
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,240
Well, go!
399
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,360
HAMMERING ON DOOR
400
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,360
Open this door!
401
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,080
Show yourself!
402
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,280
HAMMERING ON DOOR
403
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,160
Open up!
404
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,200
Ahh!
405
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:48,880
Keep going!
406
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,640
PRESENTER: ..beheaded on the spot
for high treason,
407
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,840
so heinous was his crime,
408
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:57,280
with Mary's orders
still in his hand.
409
00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:01,000
Sir Humphrey Bone,
mastermind of the Bone Plot,
410
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,640
and martyr to it.
411
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,720
SWORD UNSHEATHES
412
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:10,040
At least, that's how...
413
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,560
CAPTAIN CLEARS THROAT
414
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,040
For valiance.
415
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:16,480
Yes. Quite right.
Well said, that man.
416
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,360
Fair do's, actually. Fair do's.
417
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,680
It's a horrible way to go.
Easy for you to say, isn't it?
418
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,360
You barely even feels an arrow.
419
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:24,840
You what?
420
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,840
We should tell Alison
what we've learned.
421
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,600
Yes. And she can tell
the television people.
422
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,680
ECHOING: This isn't the life
you signed up for!
423
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:40,960
Go!
424
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,920
In the name of Her Majesty,
open this door!
425
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,240
HAMMERING ON DOOR
426
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,160
SHOUTED ORDERS
427
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,560
Oh, God.
428
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:57,880
What am I doing?!
429
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,320
YELLS
430
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,120
Ha! Oh!
431
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,400
Ah! Yes! Yes!
432
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,280
God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...
433
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,840
Her Majesty's Guards!
434
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,640
Show yourself!
435
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,560
DOOR OPENS
436
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,320
No sign of him, sir.
437
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,440
Why is it always bad news
with you?
438
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,080
It's not always... It's never, "Oh,
I've found him, he's t
439
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,160
I found that priest hole once.
There was no priest in it.
440
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:01,440
That was just a hole.
441
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,360
SHUFFLING
442
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,200
God, I love this house.
443
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,600
BLADES CLASH, SQUELCH
444
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,440
Whoopsy-daisy.
445
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,320
I might say I did that. I would.
446
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:49,440
See, this is why I won't have swords
in the house. Yeah. 00:21:51,520
Well, you've got kids, haven't you?
448
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,400
Bad day?
449
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:06,920
SCREAMS
450
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:10,080
Hey. Well, I think we're almost
ready to do the interviews,
451
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:13,400
if you... Yeah, about that. I don't
know what Mr Deg-Chegwin t
452
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,880
but he's not actually
anything to do with Button House.
453
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,320
He's just a sort of
mean local weirdo.
454
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,240
Actually, that's not fair.
No, that is fair.
455
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:23,120
So, yeah, we'd rather he wasn't
associated with the house
456
00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:25,600
because, to be honest, I'm worried
about how he comes across on TV.
457
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,720
OK. It's just that
I got the impression
458
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,480
your wife wasn't all that keen
to do an interview.
459
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,160
You're kidding! She can't wait.
I'm telling you,
460
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,000
she's a natural.
461
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,800
Er...
462
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,960
So the house is, um... Um...
463
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,240
..like, my connection, um...
464
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,920
Um. ..to the family. Um...
465
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:45,240
Um, um, um...
466
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,160
You see, if we can just...
Babe! You're up next.
467
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,840
What, now? We need more time,
damn you!Can't Barclay go first?
No, he's been canned.
469
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,960
Apparently an anonymous source
told them what he's like
470
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,720
and they were like... Mike.
What? He's bad PR and you know it.
471
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,400
How did he take it?
472
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,280
Um... "Um...!" They're all at it.
Give me five minutes 00:23:04,840
and I'll let you know. Wish me luck.
474
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,400
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
475
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,720
I'll do it.
We need to be gentle with him
476
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,680
and then we need to get him
out of here real quick.
477
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,440
HORN TOOTS
478
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:14,760
Obi!
479
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,400
Oh, we're finished here, are we?
480
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:21,360
Hey, see? It's a masterpiece!
481
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:22,560
Yeah, yeah. Give it to me.
482
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:26,600
Why are you wearing it?
Because it looks sick.
483
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,800
Right. We're ready for Alison,
just up by the fence there.
484
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,880
Fence? What fence? Just up by the...
485
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:34,520
She thought the view was quite good.
No, no, no.
486
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:38,720
I mean, there's much better spots
nearer the house, like by the sign.
487
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,200
So you can see the house.
By the sign?
488
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,760
It's just we're all set up
over there now.
489
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,600
But...but maybe we'll come
and grab something here a bit later.
490
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:54,160
I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part
of its rich and varied history.
491
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:59,120
Yes, that'll do it. Right,
once more. Get it in the old memory.
492
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,320
Oh, God. Is he still here?
493
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:02,600
Hello there.
494
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,200
What? Me?
May I just say
495
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:08,920
what an honour it is to be joining
you here in this wonderful house?
496
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:10,400
Oh, God, no.
497
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,160
I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part
498
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,920
of its rich and varied history.
499
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:17,280
It's happened!
500
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,360
Alison!
501
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:21,360
Ah, perfect.
502
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,960
Knock, knock. Hi, how are you?
503
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,040
How are you?
504
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,880
Yes, fine, raring to go.
505
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,000
GRUNTS
506
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,880
Er, right.
507
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,120
It's just...
508
00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:33,360
Do you want to sit down?
509
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:34,640
No!
510
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,000
Really? OK.
511
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,680
The thing is, talking again
to the documentary guys,
512
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:44,440
it seems now they want
to focus more on people
513
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,440
who actually lived...live
in the house.
514
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:50,760
Oh, dear.
515
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,920
So I wore a new shirt for nothing.
516
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,200
Been bally baking in it all day,
517
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:57,840
and talk about itchy!
518
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,520
Well, that explains it.
519
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:04,920
Yes, it does.
520
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,640
Oh, that's much better.
521
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,160
Yeah.
522
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,960
Breathe, but don't gasp,
and don't gabble. No ums and ahs.
523
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:24,120
If you need to pause, pause,
but don't show you're pausing.
524
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:26,480
Look, I know that you mean well,
525
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,000
but it's me they want to talk to,
526
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,640
not some drop-out from the
Thomas Thorne Finishing School.
527
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,560
So will you please just stop talking
and accept that you're a better poet
528
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,040
than you are a teacher?
And that is really saying something.
529
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:45,040
Confident, eloquent, composed.
530
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,560
My work here is done.
531
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,440
Damn your eyes. You're welcome.
532
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,840
It was inherited
through my dad's side, but he died
533
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,880
when I was young and my mum
passed away more recently.
534
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,640
So with no living relatives,
the house has become a kind of
535
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,760
link to my ancestors
through the ages.
536
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,400
It's like having family
all around me.
537
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,400
Can you give us any more information
about...? Could you smile?
538
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,520
But with your voice.
Say Button House.
539
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:17,480
Alison! ..every bit as fascinating
as your journey... 00:26:20,400
I did warn you!
SHOUTING, INTERVIEWER CONTINUES
541
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,560
Pull the top down!
542
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,560
ALL TALK AT ONCE
543
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,440
You're doing very well,
just block it out.
544
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,640
Try not to hesitate...
I warned you!
545
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,440
Alison! Emergency!
546
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,000
INTERVIEWER: Alison?
Er...
547
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:36,960
Er...
548
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,880
ALISON ON TV: ..literally
a phone call saying,
549
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:39,960
"You now own this house."
550
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,280
It was inherited
through my dad's side,
551
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:45,320
but he died when I was young and
my mum passed away more recently.
552
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,880
Aw. So with no living relatives,
553
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:51,000
the house has become a kind of
link... Oh, can't see the logo!
554
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,320
Lose the thing! Lose the thing!
555
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:54,960
It's like having family
all around me.
556
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:57,000
Aw! That's nice.
557
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,840
I think this is where I...
558
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:01,760
Well, the brick...
The brick frontage
559
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,440
is, er...it was a brick front
560
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:07,000
added to what is, er,
what was a Tudor house.
561
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,520
FANNY: What does that say?
What is a Butt Ho?
562
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,360
Are you the Butt Ho?
563
00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:13,320
..it was brick,
it had a brick facade.
564
00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:14,920
Oh, my... Obi!
565
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:16,000
CLEARS THROAT
566
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:19,760
..which is now what we now see now
on Button House.
567
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:22,240
Well, thanks, everyone.
568
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:26,160
But there's much more to this place
than just structural issues.
569
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:29,160
ALL GROAN AND BOO
570
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,120
For one thing, it's haunted!
571
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:32,720
And I'm turning it off.
No, no, wait.
572
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,040
Oh! Hang on a sec.
573
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,440
I think this is my cameo.
574
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:37,720
Ooh!
575
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,720
Watch the vase.
576
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,320
Wait for it...
577
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,280
THEY CHEER
578
00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:46,920
CAPTAIN: Bravo!
579
00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:48,840
It's like he's famous.
580
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,080
Can I have your autograph?
You got a pen?
581
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,880
But one thing's for certain -
when it came to the Catholic cause,
582
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,640
Sir Humphrey Bone was a man prepared
583
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,120
to stick his neck out.
584
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,160
Oh-ho! Oh! Oh-ho!
585
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,040
THEY LAUGH
586
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,560
Oh, very good!
587
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,960
Neck! Seriously?!
69323
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