Original subtitles

Attention, everyone.

Say goodbye to the Jake Peralta you know and love,

for today is the day I forever change.

Ooh, are you finally growing a mustache?

No, you know I can't do that, and it's cruel of you to keep bringing it up.

This envelope contains the inheritance my uncle left me.

He died a year ago. He was so rich,

he had a whole room in his house just to eat in.

You mean like a dining room?

Yeah, but in Manhattan.

Now, just because I'm definitely rich now

doesn't mean I'm gonna forget my roots.

You all get something, so fire away.

Jake, your friendship is gift enough for me.

Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati Monster 821.

All right, Rosa gets a motorcycle.

Oh, cool. I want a fast sports car.

Come on. You can be honest.

I want old, expensive books. I'll send you a list.

There you go. Now,

let's find out what I'm worth.

Oh, I'm too nervous to open it. Sarge, you do it.

JEFFORDS: Okay.

It's stock. One million shares!

Oh, my God!

Of Blockbuster Video stock.

What? Is that bad?

I still have a Blockbuster card.

What happened to Blockbuster?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Mapping, mapping, mapping, mapping,

mapping, mapping.

What's going on there, buddy?

Just making a final imprint of your face

before the LASIK surgery goes poorly

and my eyeballs get burned off.

Why stop at the eyes? Burn off your whole head.

Charles, the surgery is going to go fine, all right?

You'll have some vision impairment for a few hours,

and I'm gonna be with you the whole time.

Plus, they're gonna give some of those sweet-ass RoboCop sunglasses.

Those are blind people sunglasses.

Captain. What are you doing here?

I thought you took the day off to pack for your big trip.

Or did you finally realize that it only takes one minute to pack?

Not if you care about your possessions

and what the world sees when they look at you.

Huh.

Cheddar's regular dog sitter is ill

and the heat's out in my house,

so I don't think it's a good time for me to visit Kevin in Paris.

Sir, you can't just cancel your trip.

You guys haven't seen each other in months.

How about this?

Amy and I will look after your house while you're gone.

Right, Ames?

I thought you two were watching Ray Charles Boyle.

Good point. Charles can come with us and look after Cheddar.

I'm told that blind people have a special connection with dogs.

I knew it. You do think I'm gonna go blind.

That's an interesting offer, but I don't want to be an imposition.

Pshaw! "Imposition"? Pshaw!

No, I was talking to Santiago.

I assume she'll be doing all the work.

Why? Oh, because of our track records

and personalities. Sure, sure, sure, yeah.

So, Santiago, are you sure you're okay with this?

I'm so in. This is gonna be fantastic.

This is horrible! We're not ready for this.

This is a level-one responsibility.

I'm a level two at best, and you're not even a level!

Well, I'm a level, you know. I'm probably, like, a level five.

Not a level.

I thought you'd be psyched.

I mean, a week at Captain Holt's house?

Wasn't that where you wanted to spend your honeymoon?

Yeah, but this is too much pressure!

Why did you volunteer us for this?

Because Holt hasn't seen Kevin in, like, months,

and I was just thinking if that was me and you,

it would make me really sad.

Oh.

That's actually super sweet.

Plus, there's this big, fat binder

full of instructions and rules.

There's a binder? Why didn't you lead with that, you idiot?

Oh…

How about I just leave you two alone?

Diaz.

Pimento.

What's up?

I need you to sign this report.

Okay. I'll sign your report.

[PEN CLICKS]

Mmm.

What the hell?

Mmm.

Careful. The ink's still wet.

Maybe this'll help.

[BLOWING AIR]

Okay, they gotta knock that off.

Loosen up, Sarge.

It's March, man. Shut up.

It's true what they say.

Now that I'm fully blind forever, my other senses are heightened.

I feel a door. [GASPS]

We're at Captain Holt's house.

Also, the GPS announced it when we pulled up.

Hey, once we're inside, maybe keep your hands to yourself, all right?

The captain can be very particular about his stuff.

SANTIAGO: Cheddar! Let go!

Amy?

Let go of it! This is a cashmere sweater!

[SNEEZES] Oh, my stupid allergies!

He got into Kevin's closet.

He was supposed to stay downstairs.

The binder was very clear about that.

Why won't you respect the binder?

Oh, no. He's turning all the turtlenecks into regular necks.

Charles, you gotta help us.

On it. Okay, the key with dogs is establishing the alpha.

Cheddah, dwop it. Pwease dwop it.

I'll give you anything you want.

Oh, Cheddar is the alpha. Didn't expect that.

BOYLE: Pwease, pwease, pwease.

[BARKS]

Nice job, Boyle. It worked.

But the mess, Jake. The mess!

We're gonna clean it up.

Everything is totally under control.

Charles' pants are on fire.

Boyle, the space heater! Get away from the space heater!

I don't know where it is.

I'm just gonna run at full speed!

No!

Charles, just stay where you are!

I got it.

[GRUNTS] Whoo!

Okay.

It's okay. Everything's fine.

Fire's out. And this table is… [GRUNTS]

Fragile. I was gonna say fragile. Nailed it.

Huh.

You punching holes?

That's way too much paper.

Not for me.

Can't even get a cup of coffee.

[GRUNTS]

Well, I'm off to find some yellow paper so I can do this

all over again.

JEFFORDS: All right, Diaz.

That's it. What's going on with you two?

Oh, you noticed it?

Everyone's noticed it.

A convicted pervert asked me if you guys could cool it.

I don't know what to tell you.

There's something between us, Sarge. Something dark and urgent.

Ah…

Okay. Great news.

The smell of burned sweatpants

and singed leg hair is finally dissipating.

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

MACHINE: Call from Raymond Holt, mobile.

Oh, no. Not Holt.

Don't worry. I've got this.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

No, I don't wanna sleep with you.

Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

I'm calling to check in before I get on the flight. Everything okay?

[SCOFFS] "Okay"? Let's just say if the house could talk, she would say,

"I've never been happier. I love Jake."

Oh, that's interesting, because I think the house might say,

"Jake's a liar, and I'm on fire."

What's that now?

Called me about the alarm.

Okay, the house was never on fire.

Charles was on fire, and only on his pants, and we put it out.

I'm coming home right now.

Wait, no. Sir, please don't do that.

You have to go see Kevin. Everything's fine.

No, my decision is final. I'm postponing my flight. Goodbye, Jacob.

No, sir! Please, please… [GRUNTS]

He said "Jacob." It's biblical.

Guys, guys!

Holt is headed home right now.

No! He can't come home. We left the door open and the dog ran out.

What? We lost Cheddar?

These silences are very hard for me to read. What's the vibe in here?

We're freaking out, Charles!

Good afternoon. Thank you all for joining me.

What we have here is a fugitive situation.

Our man has been on the run for 30 minutes.

Also, our man is a dog.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking, "Who cares? It's just a pet."

No one was thinking that, you monster.

Good. That was a test.

Now, the average foot speed of a corgi is 10 miles per hour,

which means with every passing second,

that slippery bastard gets farther away.

Captain Holt does not know Cheddar is missing.

But he's gonna find out.

Oh, God, I feel like the devil is dancing on my chest.

It's all right, Amy. We have time.

Gina's picking Holt up at the airport,

and she told me she can stall him for at least two hours.

I'll do it, but I'm gonna have to total your car.

Or you could just drive slowly.

[LAUGHS] She's gonna wreck your car.

Here's where we're at.

Amy and I will take Blind Charles and search the neighborhood.

Diaz, Pimento…

Bring the dog back, dead or alive.

What? No. I was gonna say hang posters.

Terry, maybe go with them, make sure nobody gets killed.

Or maybe I could join another group with a different kind of energy?

Jake, what about me and Hitchcock?

You two grab Cheddar's treats and put them in a bowl outside.

You mean the little sausage ones that need way more salt?

On second thought, maybe just sit exactly where you are

and don't touch anything.

Sweet.

All right, everyone, it's time to do this.

For Captain Holt, for Kevin, for America!

Let's go, Nine-Nine!

[GROANS]

HOLT: This line is interminable.

At this rate, we'll be home in 54 minutes instead of the usual 46.

Not if I have anything to do with it.

Watch me now!

No, Gina, the wrong way.

No, Gina, the spikes!

[TIRES SCREECH]

Uh-oh.

Uh, not a problem. I can get you home on two wheels.

[TIRES POP]

And that was the second pair of tires.

Mmm.

I could've done that.

Yeah, I know you could've. But you didn't. I did.

I mean, there are lots of other poles, guys. A whole street full of them.

So, Adrian,

when are we gonna stop messing around and do this thing?

Um…

Never.

You know what? I just realized.

I forgot something at home. I'm just gonna…

That was weird. You okay?

Yes.

[GRUNTING]

All right, according to the call we just got on the tip line,

someone said they saw Cheddar on this block.

I'll head north. Jake, you head west.

We'll meet back in a half hour.

Great, which direction should I go?

[MOUTHING]

What's going on? I can hear your lips moving.

Ah! Are you guys kissing?

What? No. Charles, stop always asking that.

Look, I'm sorry, but you have to stay in the car.

That's a mistake!

My super senses are a tool you can't afford to leave in the tool chest.

Take me out of the box and put me on your belt.

I'm sorry, but you'd only slow us down.

And that's exactly what Cheddar wants.

That's right. I'm onto you, you slippery little bastard.

Gina, come on. You can do your Internet socializing in the truck.

Okay, cool, I just have to tie my shoe real quick.

Tying it.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Gina, hey, how's the stalling?

Great. The tow truck just got here,

so that'll buy us at least an hour.

Tow truck? What the hell did you do to my car?

Bitch, I told you I was gonna wreck it.

You did. You did.

All right, well, we're about to go follow up on a lead right now.

Great. I'm gonna rip a bunch of wires out of your dashboard.

What? No, don't! Gina…

[GRUNTS]

I got nothing. Did you find Cheddar?

Close.

I found Shredder.

Shredder, no! No, Shredder!

You're not Cheddar!

I know it looks bad, but we're gonna find him.

Right after we find Charles.

Charles is gone. We lost Charles.

What?

[TOY SQUEAKS]

I should've known I was gonna lose Charles.

He's so pocket-sized. He could be hidden anywhere.

Jake, we need to focus on Cheddar.

Charles is a grown man. He can take care of himself.

No, he's not. He's a Charles, all right?

And he's blind. Oh, God, he's probably already dead.

Right? So let's not waste any resources on him.

Wait, it's Charles. Charles?

Jake? Is that you? I can't see my phone.

I've dialed over 40 wrong numbers.

I found Cheddar.

Which is why I was like, "We need to go to him."

Charles, where are you?

But I don't know where I am, and my…

PERALTA: [OVER PHONE] Wait, stop talking.

I'm hearing something in the background.

What is that, a train and a girl whimpering?

That's me. I'm so scared you're not gonna find me.

Charles, don't move. I know exactly where you are.

He's at the entrance by 7th Street.

I used to hang out there all the time.

[GRUNTS]

I boofed it.

Nothing. Cool stuff.

Having sex. Anyways, it doesn't matter. Let's go.

[SCREAMS]

Hey, Sarge. I've been waiting for you.

In here?

I wanted to have a private conversation.

Do you think Diaz noticed

that I freaked out a little when she asked me out?

You mean the way your eyes popped out of your head

and you sprinted away at full speed?

Yeah, I think she noticed.

Damn it.

I'm in kind of a weird headspace right now.

I've got a lot on my plate, emotionally speaking.

And flirting's one thing, but a relationship?

Well… for someone was Katya.

She was a bartender at the Garbage Box,

second-rate strip club my mob buddies and I used to go to.

She was a sweet girl, but I couldn't save her from the pole.

Oh, she started stripping?

Nope.

Boss impaled her on a pole when he caught her skimming tips.

Ooh, damn, dude.

Look, coming back from 12 years undercover is not easy for anyone.

I'm sure Diaz gets it.

She's so in touch with her feelings.

And me… [SCOFFS]

After what I've seen, after what I've done,

I don't know that I deserve to be happy.

Of course you do.

Huh.

I never looked at it that way.

Wow!

That changes everything.

[CHUCKLES]

Ha!

No, Sarge, you said it all.

You just changed my life.

He's gotta be here somewhere.

What's up, Peralta? Wanna jump in on this tasty sesh?

Uh, you got the wrong guy. I've never seen you before.

[SCOFFS] Dumb stoner.

He referred to you by name.

Jake? Jake?

Look! I found Cheddar.

I found him.

I know. Pretty impressive, right?

It's a proud day for blind people everywhere.

Charles… This guy put up quite a fight.

But we're good friends now, right?

Right? You gave me a bunch of kisses.

You gave me a bunch of kisses.

Damn it, Charles, it's a possum.

Oh, no.

Mercifully, the tires have been replaced,

so may I please have the keys?

Okay, but before we go,

can we just choose a nice air freshener from the gift shop?

You never know when you're gonna find your signature scent.

I'm not an idiot, Gina. I know for a fact

you've already found your signature scent.

Ugh! I have got to stop living my life out loud.

I've had a hell of a day.

I've got a lot going on in my life.

More than Peralta ruining my house,

so can we please drop the charade so I can get home already?

Absolutely, sir.

Wait, I should tell you.

Before you got real with me,

I did rip out all these wires.

All right, everyone, listen up.

Here's where we're at.

Bad news, Cheddar is still at large,

and you know that slippery little bastard is just laughing at us.

We need a new plan and we need it now.

Because the walls are closing in and I can't breathe.

Come on, guys, we're just spitballing. There's no stupid ideas.

What if we walk around the neighborhood in Captain Holt's clothes,

wait till Cheddar picks up the smell?

No, that's insane, never gonna happen.

Anyone else?

I'm listening. Go on.

I get you guys Mexican passports.

Totally untraceable.

We fake your death in an apartment fire.

I'll need three teeth from both of you.

Then, you guys just disappear.

It's easy. I've done it before.

Oh, have you? Because you haven't mentioned it 500 times. Get a new thing.

Okay. Amazingly, wearing Holt's clothes is our best option.

Everyone, prepare to enter high society.

Okay, how's everybody feeling?

Anyone else have the weird urge to lecture themselves?

"Peralta, what are you doing?"

Peralta, what are you doing?

I conjured him.

Captain Holt. What a pleasant surprise.

Gina told me that you were delayed due to a wire situation.

Yes, the situation is, you can rip them all out, but the car still works.

Um, sorry, boo.

Wait, why is the whole squad here?

And why is everyone wearing my clothes?

My God.

You lost Cheddar.

How did you do that?

Sir, I know you're upset,

but I promise you we can find Cheddar and you can still go to Paris.

I'm not going to Paris.

Now, get out of my clothes. Get into your clothes.

Get out of my house. Get into your cars…

All right, we can take it from there.

Loud and clear. Once again, so sorry.

[SIGHS]

Oh! He's so disappointed.

Look, I'm sorry that I got you involved in this.

I never should have volunteered us.

No, Jake. It's not your fault.

It's Amy's.

Well, it's not my fault.

Blind.

Ah

who let Cheddar go to town on Kevin's sweaters.

Please, it's not like I fed him Kevin's sweaters.

Wait a minute, guys. I think this is Kevin's fault.

No, Jake, it's Amy's. I know you're trying to be a cool boyfriend.

Yet another reason why it's not your fault. But Kevin's in Paris.

Exactly, and that's why I think it's Kevin's fault.

I have an idea of how to find Cheddar.

Amy, don't act weird when I say this,

but we're gonna need to use the binder.

Oh, Mama.

Diaz!

Could we talk?

Listen, Sarge gave me some really great advice.

So, Rosa Diaz, will you marry me?

What?

This is what you told me to do!

I barely said anything! You cut me off way too early.

Sarge, stay out of this.

Gladly.

No, I will not marry you. How about we just get a drink first?

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds nice.

Oh, that's actually sweet.

Nope.

PERALTA: Oh, there he is.

Captain Holt! Oh, he can't hear me.

[CAR ALARM BLARING]

PERALTA: Eh…

Okay, well, I guess we know what those wires did.

I'm not in the mood for your antics, Peralta.

Look, sir, sir!

I think we know where Cheddar is.

Will you please just get in the car?

[SIGHS]

Oh, let me get that.

Try now.

Oh, I can't control the locks. Hang on.

Try now. One, two, three.

Try now. Try now. Here we come, Cheddar!

Try now. Here we come, Cheddar!

Try now. Try now.

Try now. Here we come, Cheddar! Try now.

Cheddar!

Come here, baby.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm so glad to see you.

How did you know he was here?

Well, Cheddar was only chewing up Kevin's stuff.

I figured maybe he was acting out because he missed Kevin.

But the real hero here is the binder.

Under "Cheddar," subsection "Walk,"

subsection "Walks with Kevin,"

we found this special spot.

So you're missing Kevin, huh? You're not the only one.

[CHUCKLES] I didn't cancel my trip

because I was worried you would burn my house down.

Kevin and I are having a hard time right now.

Whenever we talk, we fight.

And I'm just afraid and just…

Just afraid that if I go to Paris and we fight, then…

Sir, with all due respect, that's crazy.

I mean, you and Kevin are the best couple I know.

And I'm sure whatever this is, you can get through it,

because you are the strongest person I know.

That was weird. I said, like, multiple

real things consecutively. Yeah.

Felt weird, but good.

Are you proud of me?

Yup. I'm just gonna stop talking now.

Well, I suppose I'm not gonna solve anything by running away from it.

Perhaps I should go to Paris.

What do you think, Cheddar, huh?

Oh, my! You really are acting out. Phew.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

Oh… You know, it's moments like these

that I'm grateful for your…

[CAR ALARM BLARING]

BOYLE: Guys, it's a miracle! I can see!

Not now, Charles!

Right, sorry!

Sorry.