All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S03E17 - Adrian Pimento.eng.SDH

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,938 --> 00:00:02,939 BOYLE: Hey, Jake, 2 00:00:03,106 --> 00:00:04,816 can I show you something over here? 3 00:00:04,900 --> 00:00:06,234 I'm trying to send Genevieve a sexy pic. 4 00:00:06,318 --> 00:00:07,692 Does this make my bubble butt pop? 5 00:00:07,776 --> 00:00:08,777 Nope. I'm out. 6 00:00:12,615 --> 00:00:14,074 [WHISPERS] Who's that? 7 00:00:15,576 --> 00:00:17,995 Um, excuse me, pal. Think you're at my desk. 8 00:00:18,704 --> 00:00:19,747 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 9 00:00:19,872 --> 00:00:21,748 Drop it! Drop the weapon! 10 00:00:21,832 --> 00:00:24,584 Squad, meet Detective Adrian Pimento. 11 00:00:24,751 --> 00:00:26,669 He's been deep undercover for the last 12 years, 12 00:00:26,753 --> 00:00:30,173 but he's just resurfaced, and he's rejoining the Nine-Nine. 13 00:00:30,590 --> 00:00:33,927 That is awesome! 14 00:00:34,427 --> 00:00:36,429 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 15 00:00:54,529 --> 00:00:56,447 Some of you just met Detective Pimento, 16 00:00:56,531 --> 00:00:57,573 and, of course, some of you knew him 17 00:00:57,657 --> 00:00:58,699 before he went undercover. 18 00:00:58,783 --> 00:01:00,701 Hitchcock and Scully. [SCOFFS] 19 00:01:00,785 --> 00:01:02,119 You guys still work here? 20 00:01:02,370 --> 00:01:04,872 The only way they're getting rid of us is in a body bag. 21 00:01:04,956 --> 00:01:06,498 It actually happened once, 22 00:01:06,582 --> 00:01:07,708 but it was a false alarm. 23 00:01:07,792 --> 00:01:10,251 Detective Pimento will be returning to his old desk. 24 00:01:10,335 --> 00:01:12,753 Peralta will temporarily be moved to the break room. 25 00:01:12,837 --> 00:01:14,172 Questions? 26 00:01:14,381 --> 00:01:15,673 I worked for Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis. 27 00:01:15,757 --> 00:01:17,341 That is an A-list mobster. 28 00:01:17,425 --> 00:01:18,875 Tell me literally everything. 29 00:01:18,969 --> 00:01:20,470 Everyone, shut up! 30 00:01:20,637 --> 00:01:22,221 Pretty much just a bagman for him. 31 00:01:22,305 --> 00:01:24,098 I mean, I did some other stuff. 32 00:01:24,390 --> 00:01:25,558 [GRUNTING] 33 00:01:26,308 --> 00:01:28,310 [SOBBING] 34 00:01:32,648 --> 00:01:34,983 Um, we usually try to tell funnier little stories. 35 00:01:35,067 --> 00:01:37,360 Well, there's nothing funny about what I did for The Butcher. 36 00:01:37,444 --> 00:01:38,944 I've had to learn not to blink, 37 00:01:39,028 --> 00:01:41,655 because every time I close my eyes, I see a fresh horror. 38 00:01:41,739 --> 00:01:44,075 Ooh, dark. 39 00:01:44,284 --> 00:01:47,077 Actually, I have a very funny story about keeping my eyes moist. 40 00:01:47,161 --> 00:01:48,621 [GRUNTING] 41 00:01:52,625 --> 00:01:54,126 [LAUGHS] 42 00:01:55,294 --> 00:01:56,461 Come on. 43 00:01:56,587 --> 00:01:58,589 Nope. Still not getting that vibe, man. 44 00:01:58,755 --> 00:01:59,756 Really? 45 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,966 I'll get there. That's my bad, everybody. 46 00:02:02,050 --> 00:02:03,218 Dismissed. 47 00:02:04,595 --> 00:02:07,681 Sir, can I partner with Pimento on my B&E? 48 00:02:07,806 --> 00:02:08,972 That guy is awesome. 49 00:02:09,056 --> 00:02:10,682 He's like a real-life Donnie Brasco. 50 00:02:10,766 --> 00:02:13,616 Isn't Donnie Brasco a really sad movie that ends terribly? 51 00:02:13,728 --> 00:02:15,020 Yeah, but he's got that cool jacket, 52 00:02:15,104 --> 00:02:16,480 and he's always down at the docks. 53 00:02:16,564 --> 00:02:17,731 I'm not sure I want you working with Pimento. 54 00:02:17,815 --> 00:02:19,400 He's a little unstable. 55 00:02:20,443 --> 00:02:21,652 Machine! 56 00:02:22,361 --> 00:02:23,694 Psychologically, this could be 57 00:02:23,778 --> 00:02:25,238 a very difficult transition. 58 00:02:25,447 --> 00:02:26,906 Yeah, I know, I went undercover. 59 00:02:26,990 --> 00:02:28,908 Sixty-three days, no big deal. You probably forgot. 60 00:02:28,992 --> 00:02:30,743 No, it's your outgoing voice mail message. 61 00:02:30,827 --> 00:02:33,037 PERALTA [OVER PHONE]: Hey, it's Jake. Can't get to the phone right now. 62 00:02:33,121 --> 00:02:37,250 I might be undercover again, like I was for 63 days. Bye! 63 00:02:37,542 --> 00:02:39,709 Look, I know what he's going through. 64 00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:40,752 Let me be the man 65 00:02:40,836 --> 00:02:42,045 that brings him in from the cold. 66 00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:43,755 All right, he can work the B&E with you. 67 00:02:43,839 --> 00:02:46,091 Just make sure you take it easy. 68 00:02:46,216 --> 00:02:48,301 Uh… Sir, I was 20 minutes late for work today. 69 00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:50,554 I don't think you need to tell me about taking it easy. 70 00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:52,788 Are you bragging about being a bad employee? 71 00:02:54,515 --> 00:02:55,558 No. 72 00:02:56,559 --> 00:02:58,102 Dismissed? Me? 73 00:02:58,519 --> 00:03:00,688 I figured out the best way to welcome 74 00:03:00,813 --> 00:03:02,398 Pimento to the Nine-Nine. 75 00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:04,817 Stay out of his way, maybe buy him a drink, 76 00:03:04,901 --> 00:03:06,361 not do anything weird? 77 00:03:06,527 --> 00:03:08,195 I'm making him a goat stew. 78 00:03:08,279 --> 00:03:10,030 Huh. All right. 79 00:03:10,238 --> 00:03:12,866 Yeah, now, this Turkmenistani dish 80 00:03:12,991 --> 00:03:16,286 is traditionally made from an animal that's been so overfed 81 00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:17,829 it can no longer stand. 82 00:03:17,913 --> 00:03:19,497 [WHISTLES] That's the dream. 83 00:03:19,581 --> 00:03:20,790 BOYLE: Everything is authentic. 84 00:03:20,874 --> 00:03:23,669 I even ordered the pressure cooker from Turkmenistan. 85 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:25,168 So, you're on a terrorist watch list now? 86 00:03:25,252 --> 00:03:27,004 Oh, yeah, Homeland Security's been to my house, yep. 87 00:03:27,088 --> 00:03:31,634 Now, this just needs to cook for another 11 hours, 32 minutes, and six… 88 00:03:35,054 --> 00:03:38,265 What the hell, Boyle! You almost killed me! 89 00:03:38,349 --> 00:03:40,600 I'm not going out in a stew-making accident! 90 00:03:40,684 --> 00:03:42,643 Terry's gonna die saving the President, 91 00:03:42,727 --> 00:03:44,688 or Terry's never gonna die! 92 00:03:44,854 --> 00:03:47,398 SANTIAGO: There's no way we can clean this up by ourselves. 93 00:03:47,482 --> 00:03:48,817 We're gonna need help. 94 00:03:48,942 --> 00:03:51,528 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What are you saying? 95 00:03:51,695 --> 00:03:53,530 You know what she's saying, man. 96 00:03:53,822 --> 00:03:55,030 Oh, no. 97 00:03:55,864 --> 00:03:57,366 Mean Marge. 98 00:03:57,491 --> 00:03:59,618 So, we're supposed to come running to clean up your mess 99 00:03:59,702 --> 00:04:01,870 every time you snap your fat little fingers? 100 00:04:01,995 --> 00:04:04,205 Oh, no, no, I actually can't snap my fingers, they're always too wet. 101 00:04:04,289 --> 00:04:05,957 And I just thought, since it's your job… 102 00:04:06,041 --> 00:04:07,251 Oh, I see. 103 00:04:07,459 --> 00:04:10,127 You cops think you're too good to clean up after yourselves? 104 00:04:10,211 --> 00:04:13,214 No, I can do it myself, I'll just… 105 00:04:13,589 --> 00:04:15,842 How dare you try to steal our jobs? 106 00:04:16,718 --> 00:04:18,636 So, where do we go from here? 107 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,638 Well, you know the old saying, 108 00:04:20,722 --> 00:04:23,433 "The only way to unclog a toilet is to let it sit." 109 00:04:24,058 --> 00:04:25,975 You're a janitor. You should know that's not true. 110 00:04:26,059 --> 00:04:27,852 Boys, take out the trash. 111 00:04:27,936 --> 00:04:29,437 Oh, great! So, you will do it? 112 00:04:29,521 --> 00:04:32,231 Oh, I'm the trash, I get it. Okay, that makes more sense with your tone. 113 00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:34,525 [METAL CHAIR SKIDDING] 114 00:04:34,609 --> 00:04:35,736 Love you, Marge. 115 00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:37,654 You wanted to see me, sir? 116 00:04:37,988 --> 00:04:39,322 Yes, I have a special project for you. 117 00:04:39,406 --> 00:04:42,575 Okay, but I'll have you know right now I only fly first class. 118 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:43,742 I'm not flying you anywhere. 119 00:04:43,826 --> 00:04:46,376 I made an application to the M.C. Guff in Foundation 120 00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,372 for a grant to upgrade our office equipment. 121 00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:51,124 Unfortunately, they require a video submission. 122 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,210 I understand you have some filmmaking experience. 123 00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,878 Well, you know, I've been re-Vined by Rob Kardashian, 124 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,505 so, yeah, I'm a director. 125 00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:02,093 Here's what I'm picturing, I enter, in, like, a Fellini-style getup. 126 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:03,952 Rosa's dressed like a porcupine… 127 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:05,805 Oh, no, no. We're just gonna do a simple, 128 00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,723 straightforward tour of the precinct 129 00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,016 featuring Detective Diaz and me. 130 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,141 Are you sure? 131 00:05:10,225 --> 00:05:13,520 You're not our most dynamic screen presences. 132 00:05:13,604 --> 00:05:15,980 I can be dynamic. Exclamation point. 133 00:05:16,064 --> 00:05:18,483 Well, Diaz and I have that kind of easy chemistry 134 00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:20,443 where we finish each other's… 135 00:05:20,527 --> 00:05:22,320 Please, don't interrupt me. 136 00:05:22,404 --> 00:05:24,604 That kind of nonsense won't happen on camera. 137 00:05:25,531 --> 00:05:27,033 PERALTA: Hey, hey, Pimento. 138 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:29,577 Hey! This is my desk, okay? 139 00:05:29,911 --> 00:05:32,830 Okay, well, now that that's out of the way, 140 00:05:32,914 --> 00:05:35,874 I was just coming to let you know we're gonna work a B&E together. 141 00:05:35,958 --> 00:05:37,042 We're gonna be partners. 142 00:05:37,126 --> 00:05:38,961 Nope. I work alone. 143 00:05:39,045 --> 00:05:41,295 Plus, The Butcher says he has spies in the NYPD, 144 00:05:41,379 --> 00:05:43,464 so I trust none of these dildos. 145 00:05:43,548 --> 00:05:46,760 Listen, you can trust me. I'm, like, obsessed with you. 146 00:05:46,968 --> 00:05:50,179 [SCOFFS] Fine. Tell me something you've never told another living soul. 147 00:05:50,263 --> 00:05:52,849 Um… Ooh, here's one. 148 00:05:52,933 --> 00:05:55,726 I'm actually not strong enough to lift a water cooler jug, 149 00:05:55,810 --> 00:05:57,561 so I always find a way to make Terry do it. 150 00:05:57,645 --> 00:06:00,147 Here's mine. Jimmy "The Butcher" made me drive a croquet wicket 151 00:06:00,231 --> 00:06:02,316 through a guy's eyes into his brain. 152 00:06:03,359 --> 00:06:06,209 Brain leaked out his eyes like he was crying his own mind. 153 00:06:06,487 --> 00:06:07,738 My goodness. 154 00:06:08,823 --> 00:06:10,031 Now that I've heard yours, 155 00:06:10,115 --> 00:06:11,198 I feel like my water cooler thing 156 00:06:11,282 --> 00:06:12,825 could have been a little more juicy, but… 157 00:06:12,909 --> 00:06:14,911 No. That was embarrassing for you. 158 00:06:15,370 --> 00:06:16,579 A bond has been made. 159 00:06:17,330 --> 00:06:18,331 [PERALTA GRUNTS] 160 00:06:18,665 --> 00:06:20,415 Feels good to trust again, brother. 161 00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:22,252 Wow, either you are a cyborg 162 00:06:22,377 --> 00:06:25,338 or you're carrying so many weapons in this jacket. 163 00:06:25,463 --> 00:06:27,672 Hey. Kitchen, now. 164 00:06:27,756 --> 00:06:28,799 Okay. 165 00:06:29,132 --> 00:06:31,552 What's up? 166 00:06:31,802 --> 00:06:33,511 Why, just because he keeps threatening to kill me 167 00:06:33,595 --> 00:06:35,764 in the middle of a police precinct? Uh, grow up. 168 00:06:35,848 --> 00:06:37,140 Because I'm physically attracted to him. 169 00:06:37,224 --> 00:06:38,433 And that's bad? 170 00:06:38,517 --> 00:06:39,517 I'm only attracted to creeps. 171 00:06:39,601 --> 00:06:41,518 The Vulture, the ShamWow Guy, 172 00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,687 and when I was a kid, I had a major crush on the evil Gremlin. 173 00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:45,523 Stripe? Are you crazy? 174 00:06:45,648 --> 00:06:46,899 Yeah, well I'm not gonna bone Gizmo. 175 00:06:46,983 --> 00:06:48,943 I would. 176 00:06:49,068 --> 00:06:51,362 [CHUCKLES] It's gonna be fine. 177 00:06:55,533 --> 00:06:56,616 Hey, partner. 178 00:06:56,825 --> 00:06:58,326 I've been waiting for you. 179 00:06:58,577 --> 00:06:59,661 [CHUCKLES] 180 00:07:01,913 --> 00:07:03,289 PIMENTO: Sorry if I surprised you. 181 00:07:03,373 --> 00:07:05,124 It's just when I was undercover, the middle of the night 182 00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:07,627 was the only time I could do actual police work. 183 00:07:07,919 --> 00:07:09,045 Uh, how'd you get in the apartment? 184 00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,379 Oh, it was easy. 185 00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:12,047 I just seduced the old lady upstairs, 186 00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:14,800 came down the fire escape, jimmied the window open. 187 00:07:14,884 --> 00:07:17,427 Bing-bang-boom, I'm inside your living quarters. 188 00:07:17,511 --> 00:07:18,845 Totally. 189 00:07:18,929 --> 00:07:21,473 Course, next time you could just give me a call, you know. 190 00:07:21,557 --> 00:07:23,058 Two ways to pop in on a friend. 191 00:07:23,142 --> 00:07:24,309 I didn't kill the old lady upstairs, 192 00:07:24,393 --> 00:07:25,602 if that's what you're worried about. 193 00:07:25,686 --> 00:07:27,019 Well, I am now. 194 00:07:27,103 --> 00:07:29,480 Oh, wait a minute. You think I'm being weird. 195 00:07:29,731 --> 00:07:31,982 Oh, I shouldn't have come here. This is your apartment. 196 00:07:32,066 --> 00:07:33,735 I'm so sorry, Jake! 197 00:07:34,611 --> 00:07:37,780 Stupid, Paul! Stupid! You idiot, Paul! 198 00:07:37,864 --> 00:07:39,240 Hey! Pimento! 199 00:07:39,407 --> 00:07:40,700 Who's Paul? 200 00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:44,077 Paul Sneed was my undercover name. 'Kay? 201 00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:46,371 Damn it, Jake. I don't know who I am anymore. 202 00:07:46,455 --> 00:07:47,997 You could have chose any name to go undercover, 203 00:07:48,081 --> 00:07:49,707 and you picked Paul Sneed? Seems kind of crazy. 204 00:07:49,791 --> 00:07:52,502 I shouldn't have come here. This was a mistake. I'm not ready. 205 00:07:52,586 --> 00:07:54,754 I knew I wasn't ready to go back to being police. 206 00:07:54,838 --> 00:07:57,172 It's the only job I've ever had except for bagging groceries 207 00:07:57,256 --> 00:07:59,675 at the supermarket at the corner of Atlantic and Clinton. 208 00:07:59,759 --> 00:08:01,802 I guess I could go back to that again. 209 00:08:01,928 --> 00:08:03,095 "Paper or plastic?" 210 00:08:03,179 --> 00:08:04,555 Yeah, still got it. 211 00:08:04,639 --> 00:08:06,474 Listen to me, I was undercover. 212 00:08:06,599 --> 00:08:08,141 Sixty-three days with the Mafia. 213 00:08:08,225 --> 00:08:10,060 I saw some messed-up stuff. 214 00:08:10,144 --> 00:08:12,144 I know what your struggle is. 215 00:08:12,228 --> 00:08:14,828 And I can bring you home, but you've got to trust me. 216 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:17,943 Okay. Yeah. 217 00:08:18,693 --> 00:08:21,821 Great. Now, I've got to get some sleep. 218 00:08:21,905 --> 00:08:23,739 You're welcome to stay here and work the case if you want. 219 00:08:23,823 --> 00:08:26,992 Thanks, partner. I promise I won't disturb you at all. 220 00:08:28,452 --> 00:08:30,579 [PIMENTO MOANING LOUDLY] 221 00:08:34,959 --> 00:08:36,085 Hey, Pimento. 222 00:08:36,460 --> 00:08:38,128 I thought you were just gonna be looking through the files 223 00:08:38,212 --> 00:08:39,337 or something, man. 224 00:08:39,421 --> 00:08:41,506 Sorry, brother. Tai chi helps keep the demons at bay. 225 00:08:41,590 --> 00:08:42,715 Right. 226 00:08:42,799 --> 00:08:44,133 And… 227 00:08:44,676 --> 00:08:46,260 Do you have to do it in your underwear? 228 00:08:46,344 --> 00:08:47,553 I can't take them off, 229 00:08:47,637 --> 00:08:50,264 'cause then you'd be looking right at my penis and testicles. 230 00:08:50,348 --> 00:08:52,892 Can't argue with that logic. Okay. 231 00:08:55,645 --> 00:08:57,771 Why is there so much garbage in here? 232 00:08:58,105 --> 00:09:00,231 [EXHALES] Mean Marge won't clean up the stew. 233 00:09:00,315 --> 00:09:02,776 And also, she suspended our trash service. 234 00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,653 What happened? You didn't grovel enough, did you? 235 00:09:05,737 --> 00:09:06,821 Seriously, Amy, 236 00:09:06,905 --> 00:09:08,698 you're gonna ask Charles Boyle 237 00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:10,450 if he groveled enough? Come on! 238 00:09:10,575 --> 00:09:12,242 This is the grossest thing I've ever seen, 239 00:09:12,326 --> 00:09:14,036 and I have three kids under the age of four. 240 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,495 I live in a house of fluids. 241 00:09:15,579 --> 00:09:17,289 Look, I have a plan, okay? 242 00:09:17,373 --> 00:09:20,125 We're just gonna go over Mean Marge's head and we're gonna tell Holt. 243 00:09:20,209 --> 00:09:21,418 Tell me what? 244 00:09:21,502 --> 00:09:22,878 Well, I don't know if you noticed, 245 00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:24,880 but there was an accident in the break room yesterday. 246 00:09:24,964 --> 00:09:28,341 Oh, yes, shattered windows, bones everywhere. 247 00:09:28,466 --> 00:09:31,136 It's very "New York in the '70s." Clean it up. 248 00:09:31,511 --> 00:09:36,641 The problem is Marge in facilities is refusing to help. 249 00:09:36,850 --> 00:09:39,101 We were actually hoping maybe you could ask her. 250 00:09:39,185 --> 00:09:42,188 Excuse me? I'm the captain of this precinct. 251 00:09:42,272 --> 00:09:44,856 I don't have time to mediate your petty squabbles. 252 00:09:44,940 --> 00:09:47,943 I've taken a sacred oath to protect this community, 253 00:09:48,027 --> 00:09:50,612 and that is a job I take seriously. 254 00:09:50,779 --> 00:09:51,947 So, you're afraid of her, too, huh? 255 00:09:52,031 --> 00:09:53,115 Terrified. 256 00:09:57,119 --> 00:09:59,203 Yeah, perp knew where the camera was. 257 00:09:59,328 --> 00:10:00,871 Must have cased the joint ahead of time. 258 00:10:00,955 --> 00:10:02,706 We're gonna need all your footage from the past week. 259 00:10:02,790 --> 00:10:05,334 [LAUGHS] This is an amateur job. 260 00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:07,211 Everybody knows you break in when the owner's there. 261 00:10:07,295 --> 00:10:09,046 That way you have guaranteed access to the safe, 262 00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:10,756 and you can kick his teeth in to send a message. 263 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,341 Okay, why don't you just… 264 00:10:12,716 --> 00:10:13,758 Oh, sure, you could slit his throat, 265 00:10:13,842 --> 00:10:15,635 but then what are you going to do with all the blood? 266 00:10:15,719 --> 00:10:17,220 Uh, we'd leave it in his body, 267 00:10:17,304 --> 00:10:19,180 where blood lives, because we're cops. 268 00:10:19,264 --> 00:10:21,474 Oh, right, we're cops. And don't worry, sir. 269 00:10:21,558 --> 00:10:24,936 We're gonna catch these bastards, or my name isn't Paul Sneed. 270 00:10:25,020 --> 00:10:26,980 Adrian Pimento. 271 00:10:27,064 --> 00:10:28,313 So, what'd they take? 272 00:10:28,397 --> 00:10:30,148 About $15,000 worth of stuff. 273 00:10:30,232 --> 00:10:33,152 TVs, cameras, bunch of prepaid cell phones. 274 00:10:33,527 --> 00:10:35,070 Ooh, you sell burner phones? 275 00:10:35,154 --> 00:10:36,446 What kind of deals you got on those? 276 00:10:36,530 --> 00:10:37,906 Why do you want to know about the deals? 277 00:10:37,990 --> 00:10:41,785 Just gathering evidence for the case, 'cause I'm a cop, remember? 278 00:10:41,869 --> 00:10:43,036 Detective Paul Sneed. 279 00:10:43,161 --> 00:10:44,286 Adrian Pimento. 280 00:10:44,370 --> 00:10:46,081 Adrian… I know who I am. 281 00:10:46,206 --> 00:10:47,832 You know what, forget this! 282 00:10:47,916 --> 00:10:49,000 Ah, okay. 283 00:10:49,084 --> 00:10:51,460 [GRUNTING] 284 00:10:51,544 --> 00:10:54,046 Hey, hey, hey, come on, man. 285 00:10:54,130 --> 00:10:56,674 Look, I get it, you're still tense. 286 00:10:57,175 --> 00:11:00,343 When I came back from being undercover, they made me see a shrink. 287 00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:02,429 But then he told me I had dad issues, and I was like, 288 00:11:02,513 --> 00:11:03,805 "You know what, you can't tell me what to do, 289 00:11:03,889 --> 00:11:05,557 "you're not my dad," so he was a moron. 290 00:11:05,641 --> 00:11:07,684 No, you know what, that's good advice. Thanks, man, thanks. 291 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:10,168 I'll be right back, I just left something inside. 292 00:11:12,689 --> 00:11:14,232 Hey, give me one of those. 293 00:11:15,024 --> 00:11:17,360 Why are you buying a burner phone? 294 00:11:17,819 --> 00:11:18,986 Cue smoke machine. 295 00:11:19,654 --> 00:11:21,864 And action Holt. 296 00:11:24,158 --> 00:11:26,828 Welcome to the Nine-Nine. I'm Captain Raymond Holt. 297 00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:28,912 And I'm Detective Rosa Diaz. 298 00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:30,955 I don't understand why I'm on a wheelchair. 299 00:11:31,039 --> 00:11:32,290 Cut! 300 00:11:32,499 --> 00:11:35,877 For the last time, Rosa, through the magic of special effects, 301 00:11:36,044 --> 00:11:38,213 the wheelchair will turn into a horse, 302 00:11:38,338 --> 00:11:40,549 but I need you to work with me. 303 00:11:40,715 --> 00:11:42,717 Give me a little "Hee-yah! Hee-yah!" 304 00:11:42,801 --> 00:11:43,884 This is idiotic. 305 00:11:44,218 --> 00:11:46,136 Maybe because you didn't karate chop your way 306 00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:48,139 through the smoke, as scripted. 307 00:11:48,347 --> 00:11:49,431 I'm out. Scully. 308 00:11:49,557 --> 00:11:50,640 Rosa! 309 00:11:50,724 --> 00:11:52,476 Hee-yah. Hee-yah. 310 00:11:52,935 --> 00:11:55,187 I wanted a simple, straightforward video tour of the precinct, 311 00:11:55,271 --> 00:11:58,773 and you've added the one ingredient I didn't want, pizzazz. 312 00:11:59,065 --> 00:12:01,025 Pizzazz is who I am. 313 00:12:01,651 --> 00:12:04,237 Would you tell the sky to stop being so blue? 314 00:12:04,362 --> 00:12:06,197 Yes. I wish it were tan. 315 00:12:06,281 --> 00:12:08,408 It's my favorite color. It's no-nonsense. 316 00:12:09,325 --> 00:12:12,036 Hey, I've been tailing Pimento, and I think you were right. 317 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,703 There's something weird going on with that guy. 318 00:12:13,787 --> 00:12:15,164 I knew it. Ugh! 319 00:12:15,414 --> 00:12:16,831 I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him. 320 00:12:16,915 --> 00:12:19,001 Well, you don't have to. 321 00:12:19,168 --> 00:12:20,377 No, I'm gonna. 322 00:12:20,502 --> 00:12:23,671 [EXHALES] He secretly bought a burner phone, he broke into my apartment, 323 00:12:23,755 --> 00:12:25,173 and he keeps forgetting he's a cop 324 00:12:25,257 --> 00:12:27,342 and calling himself by his alias, Paul Sneed. 325 00:12:27,426 --> 00:12:28,468 "Paul Sneed"? 326 00:12:28,552 --> 00:12:30,135 He said Figgis has spies in the NYPD. 327 00:12:30,219 --> 00:12:32,763 Rosa, what if he's one of them? What if he turned? 328 00:12:32,847 --> 00:12:34,307 Oh, here he comes. 329 00:12:34,599 --> 00:12:36,975 Oh, man, bolt cutters? 330 00:12:37,059 --> 00:12:39,853 Bolt cutters have literally never been used by an innocent person. 331 00:12:39,937 --> 00:12:41,855 I use them all the time when I make jewelry. 332 00:12:41,939 --> 00:12:43,856 Oh, my God. Follow-up questions later. 333 00:12:43,940 --> 00:12:45,191 All right, I got to keep following him. 334 00:12:45,275 --> 00:12:46,693 All right, but be careful. 335 00:12:47,110 --> 00:12:49,445 Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be invisible. 336 00:12:49,529 --> 00:12:51,405 Now, you see me, now you… 337 00:12:51,489 --> 00:12:52,865 [LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO] 338 00:12:52,949 --> 00:12:53,950 [PERALTA GROANS] 339 00:12:54,659 --> 00:12:55,660 [MUSIC STOPS] 340 00:12:56,077 --> 00:12:57,120 We're cool, we're cool. 341 00:12:57,204 --> 00:12:59,904 Everything's still cool. He didn't hear me, we're cool. 342 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:07,087 [PHONE BEEPS] 343 00:13:08,505 --> 00:13:10,549 Rosa. Pimento just put on a ski mask 344 00:13:10,674 --> 00:13:12,824 and broke into a creepy abandoned warehouse. 345 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,219 Mmm, that's hot. 346 00:13:15,136 --> 00:13:16,262 Oh, wait, he's coming back out. 347 00:13:16,346 --> 00:13:17,972 DIAZ: Did he do something super shady? 348 00:13:18,056 --> 00:13:20,099 Are his eyes all wild? 349 00:13:20,183 --> 00:13:22,101 Sorry. Send a pic. Bye. 350 00:13:22,310 --> 00:13:23,978 Okay, guess we're done talking. 351 00:13:27,106 --> 00:13:29,306 Well, they still haven't cleaned up in there, 352 00:13:29,441 --> 00:13:31,860 but the good news is I got a new plan. 353 00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:33,194 I let one of the perps 354 00:13:33,278 --> 00:13:34,696 accidentally get out of holding, 355 00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:37,824 then I take him down to the break room. Oopsie. 356 00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,284 Now it's a whole crime scene. 357 00:13:39,368 --> 00:13:41,536 [GASPS] And then we can get crime scene cleaners. 358 00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:43,413 Boom. 359 00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:45,831 That room gets clean when I say it gets cleaned. 360 00:13:45,915 --> 00:13:47,541 You can't stop us now. 361 00:13:47,625 --> 00:13:49,459 You ever heard the old saying, 362 00:13:49,543 --> 00:13:51,837 "Know the garbage, know the man"? 363 00:13:52,046 --> 00:13:53,046 That's not a saying. 364 00:13:53,130 --> 00:13:54,089 Yes, it is. 365 00:13:54,173 --> 00:13:55,800 I know all your secrets. 366 00:13:56,425 --> 00:13:57,677 [SNAPS FINGERS] Boyle. 367 00:13:57,802 --> 00:13:59,303 You got a taste for fast food. 368 00:13:59,387 --> 00:14:01,053 [GIGGLES] Those aren't mine. 369 00:14:01,137 --> 00:14:02,722 I only eat locally-sourced meats. 370 00:14:02,806 --> 00:14:04,390 They could be Terry's. He was fat once, you know? 371 00:14:04,474 --> 00:14:05,524 What the hell, Boyle? 372 00:14:05,976 --> 00:14:07,376 MARGE: Speaking of Jeffords, 373 00:14:07,644 --> 00:14:08,978 maybe your daughters would like to know 374 00:14:09,062 --> 00:14:11,481 that their daddy throws away all their drawings? 375 00:14:11,773 --> 00:14:14,108 They just draw so many, and they're all so bad. 376 00:14:14,192 --> 00:14:15,776 MARGE: And you, Santiago, 377 00:14:16,026 --> 00:14:18,028 maybe the world would like to see that draft of a memo 378 00:14:18,112 --> 00:14:21,991 you wrote where you used T-H-E-I-R instead of T-H-E-R-E? 379 00:14:22,241 --> 00:14:23,992 Oh, you sick son of a bitch. 380 00:14:24,076 --> 00:14:25,285 Why do you hate us so much? 381 00:14:25,369 --> 00:14:27,329 I know you call me Mean Marge. 382 00:14:27,496 --> 00:14:29,498 Do you even know my last name, hmm? 383 00:14:30,873 --> 00:14:32,500 Mop-Bucket? 384 00:14:33,501 --> 00:14:34,585 Please. 385 00:14:34,669 --> 00:14:36,129 Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 386 00:14:37,338 --> 00:14:38,388 "Mop-Bucket," Scully? 387 00:14:39,132 --> 00:14:40,758 It was an educated guess. 388 00:14:43,011 --> 00:14:44,136 Thanks for coming. 389 00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:45,553 Pimento put the duffel in his trunk, 390 00:14:45,637 --> 00:14:47,096 parked around the corner, and went home. 391 00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:49,140 He's been doing shirtless tai chi in his window ever since. 392 00:14:49,224 --> 00:14:50,475 Which window is that? 393 00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:54,021 Mmm-hmm. 394 00:14:54,604 --> 00:14:56,815 Okay. Look, I got to get into that trunk. 395 00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:58,608 And you need me to break into the car for you? 396 00:14:58,692 --> 00:15:00,651 What? No, I can do it. Why would you say that? 397 00:15:00,735 --> 00:15:03,111 Because one time you lost your keys and you called a tow truck. 398 00:15:03,195 --> 00:15:05,113 My mom pays for roadside assistance. 399 00:15:05,197 --> 00:15:07,199 Why wouldn't I call it? I'm doing this. 400 00:15:11,537 --> 00:15:14,540 Okay, great take. You guys are finally getting it. 401 00:15:15,041 --> 00:15:16,332 All right, let's go again. 402 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,293 Action Holt! 403 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:19,836 [RHYTHMIC BLOWING] 404 00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:24,340 Welcome to the Nine-Nine. I'm Captain Raymond Holt. 405 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:27,510 And I'm Detective Rosa Diaz. Hee-yah. 406 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,262 HOLT: What the hell is this? 407 00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:30,470 You had a pizzazz problem, 408 00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:32,104 so you've been recast, sweetie. 409 00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:33,272 Welcome to Hollywood. 410 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:36,268 You know, David here really connected with the role. 411 00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:38,979 The key is to invent a backstory for your character. 412 00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:42,524 Now, my Raymond Holt is addicted to pills, but no one knows. 413 00:15:42,649 --> 00:15:46,361 You see, he really understands the craft, 414 00:15:46,694 --> 00:15:49,530 whereas you and Rosa just sort of flop around 415 00:15:49,614 --> 00:15:51,366 like a couple of boring normals. 416 00:15:51,574 --> 00:15:54,911 I'm sorry, but we're detectives, not professional actors. 417 00:15:55,078 --> 00:15:56,203 We were trying our hardest. 418 00:15:56,287 --> 00:15:58,331 "We were trying our hardest." 419 00:15:58,498 --> 00:16:01,375 Gina, this is a disgrace. I'm removing you as director. 420 00:16:03,085 --> 00:16:04,419 There he goes. 421 00:16:04,503 --> 00:16:06,338 [WHISPERS] Off to take more pills. 422 00:16:07,422 --> 00:16:10,217 Oh, yeah. Suck it, roadside assistance. 423 00:16:10,926 --> 00:16:12,010 PIMENTO: Well, well, well. 424 00:16:12,094 --> 00:16:13,470 Hello, Jake. 425 00:16:13,678 --> 00:16:15,762 Adrian, what a coincidence bumping into you here. 426 00:16:15,846 --> 00:16:17,681 Well, see you tomorrow. 427 00:16:18,432 --> 00:16:19,516 You know what, let's hang out now. 428 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,800 I was thinking the exact same thing. [LAUGHS] 429 00:16:21,977 --> 00:16:23,353 What are you doing here, partner? 430 00:16:23,437 --> 00:16:24,646 DIAZ [OVER RADIO]: Pimento's still in the window. 431 00:16:24,730 --> 00:16:25,731 Come on, Jake. 432 00:16:25,898 --> 00:16:27,983 You honestly didn't assume I would hire a look-alike 433 00:16:28,067 --> 00:16:30,360 to wear a fake beard and do tai chi in my window? 434 00:16:30,444 --> 00:16:32,111 No, I definitely didn't assume that. 435 00:16:32,195 --> 00:16:33,821 And plus, you seriously thought that was me? 436 00:16:33,905 --> 00:16:37,199 I mean, you've seen me in my underpants. My butt is rock hard. 437 00:16:37,283 --> 00:16:38,701 That guy's got a pancake butt. 438 00:16:38,785 --> 00:16:40,453 I can't believe you're still working for Figgis. 439 00:16:40,537 --> 00:16:42,038 That's why you've been acting so weird. 440 00:16:42,122 --> 00:16:45,541 Breaking into my apartment, buying a burner phone, grabbing this duffel. 441 00:16:45,625 --> 00:16:47,709 I broke into your apartment 'cause I didn't feel safe at my home. 442 00:16:47,793 --> 00:16:49,002 Okay. 443 00:16:49,086 --> 00:16:50,128 Is the only kind of phone I can get 444 00:16:50,212 --> 00:16:51,838 because I disappeared for 12 years, 445 00:16:51,922 --> 00:16:53,715 and now have terrible credit. 446 00:16:53,799 --> 00:16:55,633 You want to know what's in the duffel? 447 00:16:55,717 --> 00:16:57,344 Open it up, tough guy. 448 00:16:57,428 --> 00:16:58,595 [SIGHS] 449 00:16:59,179 --> 00:17:01,180 Oh, look at that. 450 00:17:01,264 --> 00:17:04,475 A bunch of old family photos, and personal belongings. 451 00:17:04,725 --> 00:17:06,144 Pimento's mementos. 452 00:17:06,477 --> 00:17:09,188 I know you have a gun on me. I just couldn't resist the rhyme, sorry. 453 00:17:09,272 --> 00:17:11,322 I stashed it all when I became Paul Sneed. 454 00:17:11,482 --> 00:17:12,691 I couldn't have them finding anything 455 00:17:12,775 --> 00:17:13,984 that could trace back to my family. 456 00:17:14,068 --> 00:17:15,319 I get it, all right? 457 00:17:15,445 --> 00:17:17,236 I went through the exact same thing when I came back. 458 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:19,320 You have no clue what I've been through! 459 00:17:19,823 --> 00:17:20,991 You know what? 460 00:17:22,492 --> 00:17:23,992 I can't believe I trusted you. 461 00:17:25,704 --> 00:17:26,829 Okay. 462 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,415 Just get out of here, Jake. 463 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:31,167 DIAZ: Oh, my God, this guy's got a pancake butt. 464 00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,301 It's not Pimento. Get out of there, Jake! 465 00:17:33,544 --> 00:17:34,962 Thanks, Rosa. 466 00:17:37,173 --> 00:17:39,508 So, Detective Pimento didn't show up for work today. 467 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:41,051 Any idea why? 468 00:17:41,135 --> 00:17:42,552 I straight-up drove him off. 469 00:17:42,636 --> 00:17:43,836 Big screw-up on my part. 470 00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,306 I'm trying this new thing where I just own my mistakes. 471 00:17:46,390 --> 00:17:47,890 I like it. Do you? 472 00:17:47,974 --> 00:17:49,183 Until you bragged about it. 473 00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:50,768 Pimento left his gun, and badge on my desk, 474 00:17:50,852 --> 00:17:55,148 along with a note reading, "I can't do this. I'm better off as a bagman." 475 00:17:55,398 --> 00:17:56,441 Oh, no. 476 00:17:56,691 --> 00:17:57,775 You think he went back to work with Figgis? 477 00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:58,902 Worse. 478 00:17:59,110 --> 00:18:00,570 Fine, single bag it. 479 00:18:00,904 --> 00:18:02,987 It's your funeral, you dumb son of a bitch. 480 00:18:03,071 --> 00:18:04,364 Get out of here. 481 00:18:05,073 --> 00:18:06,074 Idiot. 482 00:18:07,618 --> 00:18:09,994 Hey, partner. 483 00:18:10,078 --> 00:18:12,414 Actually, cashiers and bag boys need to be totally in sync… 484 00:18:12,498 --> 00:18:13,916 Shut up, Maggie. 485 00:18:14,249 --> 00:18:16,418 Look, man, you sacrificed 12 years of your life 486 00:18:16,502 --> 00:18:18,552 for the police department, you're a hero. 487 00:18:18,711 --> 00:18:20,411 I'm sorry that I didn't trust you. 488 00:18:20,755 --> 00:18:22,673 Yeah. Me, too. 489 00:18:22,882 --> 00:18:25,882 Look, can I tell you something I've never told anyone before? 490 00:18:26,677 --> 00:18:30,223 My time undercover in the Mafia was actually kind of lame. 491 00:18:31,015 --> 00:18:32,640 I mean, I wanted it to be badass, 492 00:18:32,724 --> 00:18:34,976 but I'm good at computers, so I mostly just helped them 493 00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:36,853 switch over from AOL. 494 00:18:37,229 --> 00:18:39,439 I have no idea what you're going through. 495 00:18:39,523 --> 00:18:42,233 And I want to tell you that it's all gonna go back to normal, 496 00:18:42,317 --> 00:18:43,767 but honestly, I have no clue. 497 00:18:47,029 --> 00:18:50,157 Anyways, the footage came back on that B&E, and we've got a suspect. 498 00:18:50,241 --> 00:18:53,191 I'm going to bust him right now if you want to come with me. 499 00:18:55,204 --> 00:18:58,154 Why don't you give me those eggs? I'll put them on top here. 500 00:18:58,916 --> 00:19:00,251 Okay. 501 00:19:00,751 --> 00:19:02,585 What was that about? What happened to you? 502 00:19:02,669 --> 00:19:05,755 Maggie, butt out! Okay? This is my life! 503 00:19:05,964 --> 00:19:09,008 So, I just received word from our friend at the Guff in Foundation. 504 00:19:09,092 --> 00:19:11,386 Apparently they loved our video submission. 505 00:19:11,511 --> 00:19:12,661 What did you send them? 506 00:19:12,887 --> 00:19:15,098 A cinematic masterpiece is what I sent them. 507 00:19:15,265 --> 00:19:16,474 Did it feature pizzazz? 508 00:19:16,558 --> 00:19:17,808 No, none at all, sir. 509 00:19:18,350 --> 00:19:20,768 First, I couldn't wrap my head around that concept, 510 00:19:20,852 --> 00:19:22,104 but then I realized, 511 00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:25,023 do you know which dogs get the most likes on the Internet? 512 00:19:25,107 --> 00:19:26,108 Anatolian Shepherds. 513 00:19:26,275 --> 00:19:28,694 No, ugly little runts 514 00:19:28,860 --> 00:19:32,613 with wonky eyes, and tongues that won't stay in their mouths. 515 00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:35,449 But the Anatolian Shepherd is unrivaled for protecting livestock. 516 00:19:35,533 --> 00:19:37,118 I was trying to wow them, 517 00:19:37,285 --> 00:19:40,162 and I should have just been showcasing our wonk-eye. 518 00:19:41,455 --> 00:19:42,456 [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING] 519 00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:45,876 HOLT [ON COMPUTER]: We were trying our hardest, but this is a disgrace. 520 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,919 [ECHOING] Disgrace, disgrace. 521 00:19:48,295 --> 00:19:50,130 HOLT: 522 00:19:51,506 --> 00:19:55,051 And that's real audio of your very real diva meltdown. 523 00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:57,971 You might just make it as an actor after all. 524 00:19:58,555 --> 00:19:59,639 Well done, Linetti. 525 00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:02,933 Sergeant Linetti. I had the fake Holt give me a promotion. 526 00:20:03,017 --> 00:20:04,817 He signed the papers and everything. 527 00:20:06,437 --> 00:20:07,563 What do you want? 528 00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:11,859 To tell you that we will officially be renaming the fourth-floor break room 529 00:20:12,067 --> 00:20:14,320 "The Marge Bronigan Break Room." 530 00:20:16,071 --> 00:20:18,698 Well, looks like somebody did their homework. 531 00:20:18,823 --> 00:20:20,158 It was me. I did it. 532 00:20:20,325 --> 00:20:21,367 So, what's the catch? 533 00:20:21,451 --> 00:20:23,327 The ceremony starts in two hours. 534 00:20:23,411 --> 00:20:26,205 Now, I know our squad is not in the janitor's union, 535 00:20:26,289 --> 00:20:28,207 but it'd sure be nice if we were allowed 536 00:20:28,291 --> 00:20:29,991 to clean the place up before then. 537 00:20:32,086 --> 00:20:33,878 We cleaned up the stew, 538 00:20:33,962 --> 00:20:37,006 which means the Marge Bronigan Break Room 539 00:20:37,090 --> 00:20:38,675 is open for business. 540 00:20:38,967 --> 00:20:41,803 Okay, we'll take out your trash, do normal cleaning, 541 00:20:42,095 --> 00:20:43,263 but no big messes. 542 00:20:43,388 --> 00:20:45,098 Great! Time for the christening. 543 00:20:45,182 --> 00:20:46,350 [CORK POPS] 544 00:20:46,516 --> 00:20:48,267 [ALL MURMURING] 545 00:20:49,518 --> 00:20:50,519 Oh, crap. 546 00:20:50,603 --> 00:20:51,729 [ALL GASP] 547 00:20:54,690 --> 00:20:56,150 Congratulations. 548 00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,403 Perp is on the third floor. Everyone know your assignment? 549 00:20:59,487 --> 00:21:00,738 Mind if I tag along? 550 00:21:00,946 --> 00:21:02,155 Pimento? 551 00:21:02,239 --> 00:21:03,239 I thought about it. 552 00:21:03,365 --> 00:21:05,241 If you say things will get back to normal, 553 00:21:05,325 --> 00:21:06,534 then I trust you. 554 00:21:07,869 --> 00:21:09,079 All right. 555 00:21:09,204 --> 00:21:11,331 Let's do this. You're with me, partner. 556 00:21:13,583 --> 00:21:14,959 NYPD! You're under arrest! 557 00:21:15,043 --> 00:21:16,711 You're gonna die! 558 00:21:16,878 --> 00:21:18,462 No, Pimento! No! 41890

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