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1
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,937
Ooh la la!
2
00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:42,851
- Good morning, Mrs Miggins.
- Bonjour, monsieur.
3
00:00:43,092 --> 00:00:46,717
- What?
- Bonjour, monsieur - it's French.
4
00:00:46,958 --> 00:00:54,288
So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating
in the street, but don't inflict it on the rest of us.
5
00:00:54,529 --> 00:00:59,322
But French is all the fashion!
My coffee shop is full of Frenchies,
6
00:00:59,563 --> 00:01:03,268
and it's all because of that
wonderful Scarlet Pimpernel.
7
00:01:03,510 --> 00:01:05,685
The Scarlet Pimpernel is not wonderful.
8
00:01:05,926 --> 00:01:11,967
No reason to admire someone for filling London
with a load of garlic-chewing French toffs
9
00:01:12,209 --> 00:01:17,646
crying "Ooh la la!" and looking for sympathy just
because their fathers had their heads cut off.
10
00:01:17,887 --> 00:01:21,149
A cup of coffee
and some shepherd's pie, please.
11
00:01:21,391 --> 00:01:27,512
We don't serve pies any more!
My French clientele consider pies uncouth.
12
00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,969
I hardly think that a nation that eats snails,
13
00:01:30,210 --> 00:01:35,768
and would go to bed with the kitchen sink if it put
on a tutu, is in any position to preach couthness.
14
00:01:36,010 --> 00:01:39,030
- So what's on the menu?
- Today's hot choice is;
15
00:01:39,272 --> 00:01:44,185
Chicken Pimpernel in a Scarlet Sauce,
Scarlet Chicken in a Pimpernel Sauce,
16
00:01:44,426 --> 00:01:49,219
or Huge Suspicious-Looking Sausages
in a Scarlet Pimpernel Sauce.
17
00:01:49,460 --> 00:01:55,058
- What exactly is Scarlet Pimpernel sauce?
- You take a large ripe frog, squeeze it...
18
00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:58,038
Yes, all right. I'm off to the pub.
19
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,663
- Ah, bonjour, monsieur!
- Sod off.
20
00:02:06,536 --> 00:02:09,476
(CAT MIAOWS)
21
00:02:09,717 --> 00:02:13,181
Oh, sir! Poor little Mildred the cat!
What's he ever done to you?
22
00:02:13,422 --> 00:02:16,161
It is the way of the world, Baldrick,
the abused always kick downwards.
23
00:02:16,402 --> 00:02:19,101
I am annoyed, and so I kick the cat, the cat...
24
00:02:19,342 --> 00:02:21,920
(A MOUSE SQUEAKS)
..pounces on the mouse, and, finally, the mouse...
25
00:02:22,161 --> 00:02:25,061
- Agh!
- ..bites you on the behind.
26
00:02:25,303 --> 00:02:29,813
- Well, what do I do?
- Nothing. You are last in God's great chain.
27
00:02:30,055 --> 00:02:33,558
Unless, of course, there's an earwig around here
that you'd like to victimise.
28
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,659
- Baldrick, what's happened to your nose?
- Nice, innit?
29
00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:39,357
No, it isn't. It's revolting.
30
00:02:39,599 --> 00:02:41,532
I'll take it off, then.
31
00:02:41,774 --> 00:02:45,680
Baldrick, why are you wearing a false boil?
32
00:02:45,922 --> 00:02:51,640
What are we to expect next?
A beauty wart? A cosmetic verruca?
33
00:02:51,882 --> 00:02:54,580
It's a Scarlet Pimple, sir.
34
00:02:54,822 --> 00:02:57,681
- Really?
- Yeah, they're all the rage down our way.
35
00:02:57,923 --> 00:03:03,400
Everyone wants to express their admiration
for the great Pimple and his brilliant disguises.
36
00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:08,192
What has this fellow done, apart from
pop over to France to grab a few French nobs
37
00:03:08,434 --> 00:03:13,105
from the ineffectual clutches of some
malnourished whingeing lefties,
38
00:03:13,347 --> 00:03:16,690
taking the opportunity while there to pick up
some really good cheap wine
39
00:03:16,931 --> 00:03:20,596
and some of their marvellous open fruit flans?
40
00:03:20,838 --> 00:03:23,415
We hate the French! We fight wars against them!
41
00:03:23,616 --> 00:03:26,637
Did all those men die in vain
on the field at Agincourt?
42
00:03:26,878 --> 00:03:30,181
Was the man who burned Joan of Arc
simply wasting good matches?
43
00:03:30,422 --> 00:03:32,798
(BELL RINGS)
44
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,745
Ah, His Royal Highness the Pinhead of Wales
summons me.
45
00:03:36,987 --> 00:03:42,383
I feel almost well disposed towards him
this morning - at least he's not French.
46
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:49,189
Un tosst! Encore un tosst, I say!
Le Pimpernel Scsrlette!
47
00:03:49,431 --> 00:03:51,605
Le Pimpernel Scsrlette!
48
00:03:53,176 --> 00:03:55,431
Le Adder Noir! Come à nous in!
49
00:03:59,901 --> 00:04:05,580
This is the fellow to ask, you chaps, my butler,
terribly clever, brighter than a brain pie.
50
00:04:05,821 --> 00:04:08,842
We're trying to guess
who the Scarlet Pimpernel is,
51
00:04:09,084 --> 00:04:13,513
so we can send him an enormous postal order
to express our admiration. Any ideas?
52
00:04:13,755 --> 00:04:18,064
I'm sure if you addressed the envelope to "The
Biggest Show-Off in London", it will reach him.
53
00:04:18,306 --> 00:04:23,300
Tish and pish! Gadzooks! Milarky!
How dare you say such a thing?
54
00:04:23,541 --> 00:04:26,199
Damn me, sir,
if you're not the worst kind of swine!
55
00:04:26,441 --> 00:04:28,213
Damn that swine.
56
00:04:28,454 --> 00:04:31,757
I was merely pointing out
that sneaking aristocrats out
57
00:04:31,998 --> 00:04:36,025
from under the noses of French revolutionaries,
is about as difficult as putting on a hat.
58
00:04:37,113 --> 00:04:39,086
Sink me, sir! This is treason!
59
00:04:39,328 --> 00:04:41,100
The Scarlet Pimpernel is a hero
60
00:04:41,341 --> 00:04:46,295
and the revolution is orchestrated by a ruthless
band of highly organised killers, damn them!
61
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:49,154
Damn those organised killers.
62
00:04:49,396 --> 00:04:56,000
George, we were just discussing the French
Embassy ball in honour of the exiled aristocracy.
63
00:04:56,242 --> 00:05:00,591
We certainly were. Where I intend to wear
the most magnificent pair of trousers
64
00:05:00,833 --> 00:05:04,739
ever to issue forth from the delicate hands
of messrs. Snibcock & Turkey,
65
00:05:04,981 --> 00:05:08,565
Couturiers to the Very Wealthy
and the Extremely Fat.
66
00:05:08,807 --> 00:05:12,834
If the Pimpernel does reveal himself, I don't want
to get caught out wearing boring trousers.
67
00:05:13,076 --> 00:05:15,170
Damn those boring trousers.
68
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:20,566
What say we bet your cocksure domestic
a thousand guineas
69
00:05:20,808 --> 00:05:25,681
he can't go to France, rescue an aristocrat,
and present him at the ball?
70
00:05:27,372 --> 00:05:29,587
That's turned you white, hasn't it?
71
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:34,984
That's frightened you, you lily-livered,
caramel-kidneyed, custard-coloured cad.
72
00:05:35,225 --> 00:05:39,091
- Not so buoyant now, are you, eh? Eh?
- Eh?
73
00:05:39,333 --> 00:05:42,394
On the contrary, sir. I'll just go and pack.
74
00:05:42,635 --> 00:05:45,857
Perhaps Lord Smedley and Lord Topper
will accompany me.
75
00:05:46,099 --> 00:05:51,656
It'll be a fairly easy trip - the odd death defying
leap, and a modest amount of dental torture.
76
00:05:51,898 --> 00:05:54,959
- Want to come?
- Oh, no! Damn!
77
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,408
Damn!
78
00:05:56,650 --> 00:06:00,959
Any day now,
I've got an appointment with my doctor.
79
00:06:01,201 --> 00:06:04,825
I've got a bit of a sniffle coming on,
I can feel it in my bones.
80
00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:07,201
Damn bones, damn...
81
00:06:07,443 --> 00:06:12,034
What about next week? Come on, you chaps,
get your diaries out, come on.
82
00:06:12,276 --> 00:06:16,061
All right. Damn! I left it behind.
83
00:06:16,303 --> 00:06:20,290
And, besides, I've just remembered,
my father's just died.
84
00:06:20,531 --> 00:06:25,283
I've got to be at his funeral in ten minutes.
Damn sorry. Goodbye, Your Highness.
85
00:06:25,525 --> 00:06:32,492
Oh, damn, I'm the best man.
Damn that dead father, damn.
86
00:06:32,734 --> 00:06:35,553
- Bye-bye...
- See you at the ball.
87
00:06:35,794 --> 00:06:41,191
What a shame they were so busy. It would
have been lovely to have had them with us.
88
00:06:41,432 --> 00:06:46,587
- Us? You're coming, sir?
- Well, certainly.
89
00:06:46,829 --> 00:06:51,420
And nothing I can say about the mind-bending
horrors of the revolution could put you off?
90
00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,440
Absolutely not!
Now, come on, Blackadder, let's get packing.
91
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:57,380
I want to look my best
for those fabulous French birds.
92
00:06:57,622 --> 00:07:03,703
The type of women currently favoured in France
are toothless crones who just cackle insanely.
93
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:06,884
Oh, ignore that, they're just playing hard to get.
94
00:07:08,254 --> 00:07:12,563
By removing all their teeth,
going mad and aging forty years?
95
00:07:12,804 --> 00:07:18,805
That's right, the little teasers.
Well, come on, I think a blend of silks and satins.
96
00:07:19,047 --> 00:07:22,268
I fear not, sir. If we are to stand
any chance of survival in France,
97
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:26,134
we shall have to dress
as the smelliest lowlife imaginable.
98
00:07:26,376 --> 00:07:30,484
- What sort of thing?
- Well, sir, let me show you our Paris Collection.
99
00:07:30,725 --> 00:07:34,753
(BLACKADDER):
Baldrick is wearing a sheep's bladder jacket,
100
00:07:34,994 --> 00:07:41,116
with matching dung ball accessories,
hair by crazy Meg of Bedlam Hair.
101
00:07:41,357 --> 00:07:44,579
Notice how the overpowering aroma
of rotting pilchards
102
00:07:44,821 --> 00:07:48,042
has been woven cunningly into the ensemble.
103
00:07:48,284 --> 00:07:50,861
When did you last change your trousers?
104
00:07:51,063 --> 00:07:54,083
- I have never changed my trousers.
- Thank you.
105
00:07:54,325 --> 00:08:00,043
The ancient Greeks wrote of a terrible container
in which all the evils of the world were trapped.
106
00:08:00,285 --> 00:08:03,426
How prophetic they were.
All they got wrong was the name.
107
00:08:03,668 --> 00:08:09,266
They called it "Pandora's Box", when, of course,
they meant "Baldrick's Trousers".
108
00:08:09,507 --> 00:08:13,253
It certainly can get a bit whiffy,
there's no doubt about that.
109
00:08:13,494 --> 00:08:19,092
When the box was opened, the whole world turned
to darkness because of Pandora's fatal curiosity.
110
00:08:19,334 --> 00:08:22,676
I charge you now, Baldrick,
for the good of all mankind,
111
00:08:22,918 --> 00:08:27,308
never allow curiosity
to lead you to open your trousers.
112
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:30,368
Nothing of interest lies therein.
113
00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:36,369
It is trousers exactly like these that you will have
to wear if we are to pass safely into France.
114
00:08:38,664 --> 00:08:42,450
Well, on second thoughts,
I think I might give this whole thing a miss.
115
00:08:42,691 --> 00:08:47,564
My tummy's playing up a bit. Wish I could come,
but just not poss with this tum.
116
00:08:47,806 --> 00:08:49,417
I understand perfectly, sir.
117
00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:53,041
Also, the chances of me scoring
if I look and smell like him are zero.
118
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:56,062
That's true, sir.
We shall return presently to bid you farewell.
119
00:08:57,350 --> 00:09:01,821
Mr B, I've been having second thoughts
about this trip to France.
120
00:09:02,062 --> 00:09:07,298
Looking and smelling like this
there's not much chance of me scoring, either.
121
00:09:09,714 --> 00:09:13,137
- Well, Blackadder, this is it.
- Yes, sir.
122
00:09:13,379 --> 00:09:17,567
If I don't make it back, please write to my mother
and tell her that I've been alive all the time,
123
00:09:17,809 --> 00:09:20,708
it's just that I couldn't be bothered
to get in touch with the old bat.
124
00:09:20,950 --> 00:09:23,205
Well, of course, it's the very least I could do.
125
00:09:23,447 --> 00:09:28,199
We must leave at once. The shadows lengthen and
we have a long and arduous journey ahead of us.
126
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:32,911
Farewell, dear master and, dare I say, friend.
127
00:09:33,152 --> 00:09:37,381
Farewell, brave liberator, and dare I say it, butler.
128
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:47,086
- Right, stick the kettle on, Balders.
- What, aren't we going to France?
129
00:09:47,328 --> 00:09:49,986
Of course not, it's incredibly dangerous there.
130
00:09:50,228 --> 00:09:55,906
- Well, how are you going to win your bet?
- By use of the large thing between my ears.
131
00:09:56,148 --> 00:09:57,557
Oh, your nose.
132
00:10:00,094 --> 00:10:02,752
No, Baldrick, my brain.
133
00:10:02,994 --> 00:10:08,310
All we do is lie low here for a week, then go to
Mrs Miggins', pick up any old French aristocrat,
134
00:10:08,551 --> 00:10:12,136
drag him through a puddle, take him to the ball,
and claim our thousand guineas.
135
00:10:12,377 --> 00:10:18,136
- What if the Prince finds us here?
- He couldn't find his own fly buttons.
136
00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:22,606
What a pair of trousers!
137
00:10:24,217 --> 00:10:27,439
I shall be the belle of the Embassy Ball.
138
00:10:27,681 --> 00:10:33,077
Now, how to put them on? Blackadder!
Oh, no, damn, he's gone to France.
139
00:10:33,319 --> 00:10:36,218
Well, I'll do it myself, shouldn't be too difficult.
140
00:10:42,259 --> 00:10:46,246
Well, Baldrick, what a very pleasant week.
We must do this more often.
141
00:10:46,488 --> 00:10:51,723
Yes, I shall certainly choose revolutionary France
for my holiday again next year.
142
00:10:51,965 --> 00:10:57,280
Still, time to go to work. Off to Mrs Miggins'
to pick up any old French toff.
143
00:10:57,522 --> 00:11:00,462
(CRASHING NOISES FROM UPSTAIRS)
144
00:11:00,704 --> 00:11:02,435
What do you think that is?
145
00:11:02,677 --> 00:11:07,268
If I was feeling malicious, I'd say it's the Prince
still trying to put his trousers on after a week.
146
00:11:09,322 --> 00:11:10,973
Damn!
147
00:11:12,342 --> 00:11:19,188
Ah, Mrs Miggins, I'd like a massive plate of pig's
trotters, frog's legs and snail's ears, please,
148
00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:22,088
all drenched in your lovely
Scarlet Pimpernel Sauce.
149
00:11:22,330 --> 00:11:28,330
- Not so hostile to the Frenchies now , Mr B.
- I'd sooner be hostile to my own servant.
150
00:11:30,988 --> 00:11:34,411
In fact,
I came here specifically to meet lovely Frenchies.
151
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:37,633
Well, vive to that and an eclair for both of us!
152
00:11:37,875 --> 00:11:42,506
Vive, indeed. Now, what I'm looking for
is a particular kind of Frenchie,
153
00:11:42,748 --> 00:11:47,097
namely one who is transparently of noble blood
but also short on cash.
154
00:11:47,339 --> 00:11:53,379
I've got just the fellow for you, over there
by the window, the Comte de Frou-Frou.
155
00:11:53,621 --> 00:11:59,340
He's pretty down on his luck,
and he's made that horse's willy last all morning.
156
00:12:02,521 --> 00:12:04,897
We have struck garlic!
157
00:12:07,958 --> 00:12:10,898
- Now you can have some lunch, Baldrick.
- Thank you.
158
00:12:12,307 --> 00:12:14,643
Le Comte de Frou-Frou, I believe.
159
00:12:14,885 --> 00:12:16,334
Eh?
160
00:12:16,576 --> 00:12:19,919
- Do you speak English?
- A little...
161
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:24,228
What exactly do you mean? Can we talk
or are we going to spend the rest of the afternoon
162
00:12:24,469 --> 00:12:27,329
asking each other the way to the beach
in very loud voices?
163
00:12:27,570 --> 00:12:31,638
Ah, no. I can order coffee, deal with waiters,
164
00:12:31,879 --> 00:12:36,108
make sexy chit-chat with girls,
that type of thing.
165
00:12:36,350 --> 00:12:39,652
Just don't ask me to take a physiology class
or direct a light opera.
166
00:12:39,894 --> 00:12:44,444
No, I won't. Now, listen, Frou-Frou,
would you like to earn some money?
167
00:12:46,337 --> 00:12:47,747
No, I wouldn't.
168
00:12:47,988 --> 00:12:53,425
I would like other people to earn it and then give
it to me, just like in France in the good old days.
169
00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:57,130
This is a chance to return to the good old days.
170
00:12:57,372 --> 00:13:02,849
Oh, how I would love that!
I hate this life! The food is filthy!
171
00:13:03,090 --> 00:13:08,688
This huge sausage is very suspicious.
If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a horse's...
172
00:13:08,930 --> 00:13:12,715
Yes, yes, all right.
Now, listen. The plan is this.
173
00:13:12,957 --> 00:13:16,742
I have a bet on with someone
that I can get a Frenchman out of Paris.
174
00:13:16,984 --> 00:13:19,118
I want you to be that Frenchman.
175
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,944
All you have to do is come to the embassy
with me, say that I rescued you,
176
00:13:23,186 --> 00:13:28,180
and then walk away with fifty guineas and all
the vol-au-vents you can stuff in your pockets.
177
00:13:28,421 --> 00:13:32,167
- What do you say?
- It will be a pleasure.
178
00:13:32,408 --> 00:13:36,355
If there's one thing we aristocrats enjoy,
it's a fabulous party.
179
00:13:36,597 --> 00:13:40,342
Oh, the music! Oh, the laughter!
180
00:13:40,583 --> 00:13:43,845
If only I'd brought my mongoose costume.
181
00:13:48,799 --> 00:13:52,585
Yes, well, obviously it hasn't really got going yet.
182
00:13:52,826 --> 00:13:57,578
I think that is a bit of an understatement, I've
been at autopsies with more party atmosphere.
183
00:13:57,820 --> 00:14:02,169
Don't worry! In a moment we will hear
the sound of music and happy laughter.
184
00:14:03,216 --> 00:14:06,358
(EVIL MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
185
00:14:08,532 --> 00:14:11,593
- Bonsoir, monsieur.
- Good evening, my man.
186
00:14:11,835 --> 00:14:14,533
- Do you speak English?
- A little.
187
00:14:14,774 --> 00:14:17,875
- Just take me to the Ambassador, then, will you?
- Pardon?
188
00:14:19,486 --> 00:14:27,138
I have rescued an aristocrat
from the clutches of the evil revolutionaries.
189
00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:30,319
Please take me to the Ambassador.
190
00:14:30,561 --> 00:14:33,501
No, I won't.
191
00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:36,803
I am an evil revolutionary
192
00:14:37,045 --> 00:14:44,696
and I have murdered the Ambassador
and turned him into pâté.
193
00:14:46,066 --> 00:14:47,032
Ah...
194
00:14:47,274 --> 00:14:50,455
And you, aristo-pig, are trapped.
195
00:14:50,697 --> 00:14:55,449
Pig? Hah!
You will regret your insolence, revolutionary dog.
196
00:14:55,691 --> 00:14:59,194
Dog? Hah!
You will regret your arrogance, royalist snake.
197
00:14:59,436 --> 00:15:02,456
- Snake? Hah!
- Sorry to interrupt this interesting discussion.
198
00:15:02,698 --> 00:15:07,007
But this is really none of my business,
so I think I'll be on my way. Come on, Baldrick.
199
00:15:07,249 --> 00:15:09,987
Not so fast, English!
200
00:15:10,229 --> 00:15:15,384
In rescuing this "boîte de stinkyweed"
201
00:15:15,625 --> 00:15:19,330
you have attempted to pervert
revolutionary justice.
202
00:15:19,572 --> 00:15:23,116
Do you know what they do to people who do that?
203
00:15:23,358 --> 00:15:27,465
They're given a little present
and allowed to go free?
204
00:15:27,707 --> 00:15:31,251
They're smacked and told not to be naughty,
but basically let off.
205
00:15:31,493 --> 00:15:37,050
I think I know. They're put in prison for the night
and brutally guillotined in the morning.
206
00:15:37,292 --> 00:15:39,426
Well done, Baldrick.
207
00:15:39,668 --> 00:15:43,051
Your little gnome is correct, monsieur.
208
00:15:43,292 --> 00:15:47,481
Gentlemen!
Welcome to the last day of your life!
209
00:15:47,722 --> 00:15:50,541
How dare you, you filthy weasel.
210
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,843
Weasel? Hah!
You're one to talk, aristo-warthog.
211
00:15:54,085 --> 00:15:55,777
- Warthog? Hah!
- Hah!
212
00:15:56,018 --> 00:15:59,602
Excuse me, Frou-Frou.
Look, mate, me old mate...
213
00:15:59,844 --> 00:16:03,509
We're both working class,
we both hate these rich bastards.
214
00:16:03,750 --> 00:16:07,174
Come on, me old mucker,
just let me go, you've got nothing against me.
215
00:16:07,415 --> 00:16:09,066
On the contrary.
216
00:16:09,308 --> 00:16:14,584
I hate you English with your boring trousers
and your shiny toilet paper
217
00:16:14,825 --> 00:16:19,859
and your ridiculous preconception
that Frenchmen are great lovers.
218
00:16:20,101 --> 00:16:24,571
I'm French and I'm hung like a baby carrot
and a couple of petits pois.
219
00:16:24,813 --> 00:16:29,484
Farewell, old mucker,
and death to the aristos!
220
00:16:29,726 --> 00:16:31,820
- Death to the aristos!
- (BLACKADDER): Shut up, mousebrain!
221
00:16:34,075 --> 00:16:38,505
Monsieur, why do you waste your words
on this scum? Have no fear!
222
00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:43,096
- The Scarlet Pimpernel will save us.
- Hah! Some hope.
223
00:16:43,338 --> 00:16:50,587
He's the most overrated human being since Judas
Iscariot won the A.D. 31 Best Disciple Competition.
224
00:16:50,828 --> 00:16:56,547
Well, if he should fail us, here,
I have these suicide pills.
225
00:16:56,789 --> 00:17:00,453
One for me, one for you,
226
00:17:00,695 --> 00:17:03,514
and one for the dwarf.
227
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:07,139
- Say "thank you," Baldrick.
- Thank you, Mr Frou.
228
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,743
- Ah, the Pimpernel!
- (BALDRICK): Hurray!
229
00:17:13,985 --> 00:17:16,602
Ah, the Ambassador, hurray...
230
00:17:18,415 --> 00:17:21,516
Hmm, I've got nothing to do.
231
00:17:21,757 --> 00:17:25,221
So I think I will torture...
232
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:27,476
..you, aristo-mongrel!
233
00:17:27,718 --> 00:17:31,382
Mongrel? Hah!
I look forward to it, proletarian skunk!
234
00:17:31,624 --> 00:17:35,168
Skunk? Hah!
We'll see about that, aristocratic happypotamus!
235
00:17:35,409 --> 00:17:37,987
(FROU-FROU): Happypotamus? Hah!
We'll soon see who's the happypotamus.
236
00:17:39,437 --> 00:17:44,390
I'm glad to say,
I don't think you'll be needing those pills, Mr B.
237
00:17:44,632 --> 00:17:49,303
Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick,
or are the words "I have a cunning plan"
238
00:17:49,545 --> 00:17:53,089
marching with ill-deserved confidence
in the direction of this conversation?
239
00:17:53,331 --> 00:17:55,102
They certainly are!
240
00:17:55,344 --> 00:18:01,022
Forgive me if I don't jump up and down with glee,
your record is not exactly a hundred percent.
241
00:18:01,264 --> 00:18:04,244
- So, what's the plan?
- We do nothing.
242
00:18:04,486 --> 00:18:06,902
Yep, that's another world-beater.
243
00:18:08,513 --> 00:18:14,594
Wait, I haven't finished. We do nothing
until our heads have actually been cut off.
244
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:21,158
- And then we spring into action?
- Exactly!
245
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:25,951
You know how when you cut a chicken's head off,
it runs round and round the farmyard?
246
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:27,844
Yeah...
247
00:18:28,085 --> 00:18:31,025
Well, we wait until our heads have been cut off,
248
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:36,180
then we run round and round the farmyard,
out the farm gate and escape.
249
00:18:36,422 --> 00:18:40,086
- What do you think?
- My opinions are difficult to express in words.
250
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:42,946
Perhaps I can put it this way...
251
00:18:43,993 --> 00:18:48,463
It doesn't really matter, 'cause
the Scarlet Pimpernel will save us, anyway.
252
00:18:48,705 --> 00:18:53,376
No, he won't, Baldrick.
Either I think up an idea, or tomorrow we die,
253
00:18:53,618 --> 00:18:55,873
which, Baldrick, I have no intention of doing,
254
00:18:56,115 --> 00:19:00,826
because I want to be young and wild,
and then I want to be middle-aged and rich,
255
00:19:01,068 --> 00:19:05,820
and then I want to be old
and annoy people by pretending that I'm deaf.
256
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:09,163
Just be quiet and let me think.
257
00:19:10,492 --> 00:19:15,928
- (BALDRICK): I can't sleep, Mr Blackadder.
- (BLACKADDER): I said "Shut up"!
258
00:19:16,170 --> 00:19:20,358
I'm so excited to think that the Scarlet Pimpernel
will be here at any moment.
259
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:25,312
I wish you'd forget this ridiculous fantasy.
Even if he did turn up, the guards would be woken
260
00:19:25,553 --> 00:19:31,514
by the scraping noise as he tried to squeeze
his massive swollen head through the door.
261
00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:35,460
- I couldn't sleep when I was little.
- You still are little, Baldrick.
262
00:19:35,702 --> 00:19:41,058
Yeah, well, when I was even littler, see,
we used to live in this haunted hovel.
263
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:47,824
Every night, my family were troubled
by a visitation from this disgusting ghoul.
264
00:19:48,065 --> 00:19:52,375
It was terrible.
First there was this unholy smell,
265
00:19:52,616 --> 00:19:59,181
then this tiny, clammy, hairy creature
would materialise in the bed between them.
266
00:19:59,422 --> 00:20:02,000
Fortunately, I could never see it myself.
267
00:20:02,241 --> 00:20:09,329
Tell me, Baldrick, when you left home,
did this repulsive entity mysteriously disappear?
268
00:20:09,571 --> 00:20:13,678
- That very day.
- I think then, that the mystery is solved.
269
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,893
Now shut up.
270
00:20:16,135 --> 00:20:19,075
Either I think up an idea,
or tomorrow we meet our maker.
271
00:20:19,317 --> 00:20:23,183
In my case, God. In your case, God knows,
272
00:20:23,424 --> 00:20:27,129
but I'd be surprised
if he's won any design awards.
273
00:20:28,217 --> 00:20:31,318
- (BLACKADDER): I thought of a plan!
- (BALDRICK): Hurray!
274
00:20:31,559 --> 00:20:34,137
(BLACKADDER):
Also, I thought of a way to get you to sleep.
275
00:20:34,378 --> 00:20:35,747
(LOUD THUMP)
(BALDRICK): Ow!
276
00:20:37,962 --> 00:20:41,184
Morning, scum. Did we sleep well?
277
00:20:41,426 --> 00:20:47,225
Like a tot, thank you. But, by jiminy, you must
be feeling thirsty after your long night's brutality.
278
00:20:47,950 --> 00:20:51,011
- Drink?
- Non, merci, not while I'm on duty.
279
00:20:51,252 --> 00:20:54,393
Perhaps later.
280
00:20:54,635 --> 00:20:57,212
For you, monsieur, there is no later.
281
00:20:57,414 --> 00:21:03,012
Because gentlemen, I am proud to introduce
France's most vicious woman,
282
00:21:03,253 --> 00:21:08,609
unexpectedly arrived from Paris this morning.
Please welcome Madame Guillotine herself!
283
00:21:10,381 --> 00:21:16,060
(MADAME GUILLOTINE LAUGHS GLEEFULLY)
284
00:21:16,301 --> 00:21:19,644
- Are these the English pigs?
- Yes, that's us.
285
00:21:19,886 --> 00:21:22,020
Leave them with me, Monsieur Ambssssdeur.
286
00:21:22,262 --> 00:21:26,168
I intend to torture them
in a manner so unbearably gruesome,
287
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:29,309
even you will not be able to stand it!
288
00:21:29,551 --> 00:21:32,853
- I don't think I will have a problem, madame.
- You will be sick.
289
00:21:33,095 --> 00:21:38,773
- I'll leave if I'm feeling queasy.
- You will be sick immediately.
290
00:21:39,015 --> 00:21:43,888
What if I am sick quietly, in a bag?
I mean, what is in your mind?
291
00:21:44,129 --> 00:21:46,425
(INAUDIBLE WHISPERING)
292
00:21:50,331 --> 00:21:52,828
So! Scum!
293
00:21:53,070 --> 00:21:56,694
Prepare to be in pain!
294
00:21:56,936 --> 00:22:02,131
Yes, certainly.
But first, perhaps, a toast to your beauty.
295
00:22:03,863 --> 00:22:06,601
Oh, thank you. OK.
296
00:22:06,843 --> 00:22:08,051
Cheers.
297
00:22:09,138 --> 00:22:13,045
I expect you were expecting to be rescued, huh?!
298
00:22:13,286 --> 00:22:14,494
Some bloody hope...
299
00:22:14,736 --> 00:22:18,763
(GUILLOTINE, NOW WITH A MALE VOICE):
On the contrary! I'm just sorry I'm so late.
300
00:22:19,851 --> 00:22:23,918
- Gentlemen, I have come to take you to freedom!
- Hurray!
301
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,818
My God! Smedley!
But I thought you were an absolute fathead.
302
00:22:27,059 --> 00:22:30,160
No, just a damn fine actor!
303
00:22:30,402 --> 00:22:34,187
Thank God I got here before you took
any of those awful suicide pills!
304
00:22:37,369 --> 00:22:42,926
I suppose, if someone had taken one and wished
he hadn't, he'd be able to do something about it.
305
00:22:43,168 --> 00:22:45,947
No, no, they're very odd things, you see.
306
00:22:46,188 --> 00:22:52,471
The symptoms are most peculiar. First of all,
the victims become very, very depressed.
307
00:22:52,713 --> 00:22:55,089
Oh, God!
308
00:22:55,330 --> 00:22:59,196
This whole revolution is so depressing,
I mean, sometimes I wonder why I bother.
309
00:22:59,438 --> 00:23:03,465
- I'm so lonely, and nobody loves me...
- And after the depression comes death?
310
00:23:03,707 --> 00:23:07,694
No, after the depression
comes the loss of temper, you stuck-up bastard!
311
00:23:07,935 --> 00:23:10,311
What are you staring at?!
312
00:23:11,439 --> 00:23:13,533
And after the temper comes death?
313
00:23:13,775 --> 00:23:17,802
No! After the temper comes the, er...
314
00:23:18,044 --> 00:23:20,500
- ..comes the, er...
- Forgetfulness?
315
00:23:20,742 --> 00:23:24,044
- Er, yes, that's it. Er, comes the, er...
- Forgetfulness.
316
00:23:24,286 --> 00:23:27,548
Yes, yes. Right in the middle of a thingy...
317
00:23:27,789 --> 00:23:31,978
..you completely forget what it was you...
Oh, nice pair of shoes!
318
00:23:32,219 --> 00:23:35,361
- And after the forgetfulness, you die?
- Oh, no! I forgot one!
319
00:23:35,602 --> 00:23:39,146
After the forgetfulness
comes a moment of exquisite happiness!
320
00:23:39,388 --> 00:23:41,965
Jumping up and down,
and waving your arms in the air,
321
00:23:42,207 --> 00:23:46,798
and knowing that in a minute
we're all going to be free! Free! Free!
322
00:23:47,039 --> 00:23:50,261
- And then death?
- No, you jump into a corner first.
323
00:23:52,557 --> 00:23:56,383
- Hurray! It's the Scarlet Pimpernel!
- Yes, Baldrick.
324
00:23:56,624 --> 00:23:59,645
- And you killed him!
- Yes, Baldrick.
325
00:23:59,886 --> 00:24:03,027
What's the bloody point
of being the Scarlet Pimpernel
326
00:24:03,269 --> 00:24:06,451
if you're going to fall
for the old poisoned cup routine?
327
00:24:06,692 --> 00:24:09,833
Scarlet Pimpernel, my foot.
Scarlet Git, more like it.
328
00:24:10,075 --> 00:24:13,579
- Wait! Here's our chance to escape!
- But what about Mr Frou?
329
00:24:13,820 --> 00:24:18,129
Forget Frou-Frou.
I wouldn't pick my nose to save his life.
330
00:24:19,217 --> 00:24:22,922
Ah, Frou-Frou, my old friend and comrade,
what are you doing here?
331
00:24:23,163 --> 00:24:27,352
- I escaped! What happened here?
- Oh, er, nothing, nothing.
332
00:24:27,593 --> 00:24:30,815
I thought for a moment
the Scarlet Pimpernel had saved you.
333
00:24:31,057 --> 00:24:34,399
(THEY LAUGH UNEASILY)
334
00:24:36,735 --> 00:24:40,400
Ah, chaps, good to see you.
Just trying on the new trousers.
335
00:24:40,642 --> 00:24:46,119
I return, sir, as promised, plus one toff French
aristocrat fresh from the Bastille.
336
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:50,991
Pleased to meet you, monsieur. Do sit down.
337
00:24:51,233 --> 00:24:54,294
Damn sorry about the revolution,
most awfully bad luck.
338
00:24:54,535 --> 00:24:57,032
Blackadder, how the devil did you get him out?
339
00:24:57,274 --> 00:24:59,449
It's an extraordinary tale of courage and heroism
340
00:24:59,690 --> 00:25:02,791
which I blush from telling myself,
but seeing as there's no one else...
341
00:25:03,033 --> 00:25:05,127
I could try.
342
00:25:05,369 --> 00:25:09,235
We left England in good weather,
but that was as far as our luck held.
343
00:25:09,476 --> 00:25:12,215
In the middle of Dover harbour,
we were struck by a tidal wave.
344
00:25:12,456 --> 00:25:17,450
I was forced to swim to Boulogne with
the unconscious Baldrick tucked into my trousers.
345
00:25:17,692 --> 00:25:22,967
Then, we were taken to Paris, where I was
summarily tried and condemned to death,
346
00:25:23,209 --> 00:25:27,800
and then hung by the larger of my testicles
from the walls of the Bastille.
347
00:25:28,042 --> 00:25:30,820
It was then that I decided I had had enough.
348
00:25:31,062 --> 00:25:32,270
Bravo!
349
00:25:32,512 --> 00:25:38,110
I rescued the Count, killed the guards,
jumped the moat, ran to Versailles
350
00:25:38,351 --> 00:25:42,660
where I climbed into Mr Robespierre's bedroom,
leaving him a small tray of milk chocolates
351
00:25:42,902 --> 00:25:46,446
and an insulting note. The rest was easy.
352
00:25:46,688 --> 00:25:51,077
That is an incredible story,
worthy of the Scarlet Pimpernel himself.
353
00:25:51,319 --> 00:25:53,413
I wouldn't know.
354
00:25:53,655 --> 00:25:56,071
I, on the other hand, would.
355
00:25:56,313 --> 00:25:58,689
Because, you see, sir...
356
00:26:04,689 --> 00:26:08,032
..I am the Scarlet Pimpernel.
357
00:26:08,273 --> 00:26:10,851
- Uh oh...
- (BALDRICK): Hurray!
358
00:26:11,092 --> 00:26:14,314
- Good Lord! Topper!
- Yes, Your Highness.
359
00:26:14,556 --> 00:26:19,630
By egads and by jingo with dumplings, steak and
kidneys, and a good solid helping of sprouts,
360
00:26:19,872 --> 00:26:25,470
I can't believe it! You're the fellow
who single-handedly saved all those Frenchies?
361
00:26:25,711 --> 00:26:30,906
Not quite single-handedly, sir.
I operated with the help of my friend, Smedley,
362
00:26:31,148 --> 00:26:35,940
but he seems to have disappeared
for the moment, slightly mysteriously.
363
00:26:36,182 --> 00:26:38,840
- Shut up, Baldrick.
- Yes, Mr Blackadder.
364
00:26:39,081 --> 00:26:42,867
So Blackadder rescued the Scarlet Pimpernel.
365
00:26:43,109 --> 00:26:45,686
No, sir, he did not.
366
00:26:45,887 --> 00:26:51,485
Prepare yourself for a story of dishonour
and deceit that will make your stomach turn.
367
00:26:51,727 --> 00:26:54,465
This is interesting, isn't it, Blackadder?
368
00:26:56,398 --> 00:27:00,546
Not only that, but I trust
it will lead to the imprisonment of a man
369
00:27:00,788 --> 00:27:03,970
who is a liar, a bounder, and a cad.
370
00:27:06,668 --> 00:27:11,057
Well, bravo, because we hate liars,
bounders and cads, don't we, Blackadder?
371
00:27:11,299 --> 00:27:13,595
Generally speaking, yes, sir.
372
00:27:13,836 --> 00:27:19,837
But perhaps before Lord Topper starts to talk,
he might like a glass of wine.
373
00:27:20,078 --> 00:27:23,622
- He's looking a little shaken.
- Shaken, but not stirred.
374
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:31,435
It all began last week.
I was sitting in Mrs Miggins' coffee shop when...
375
00:27:31,677 --> 00:27:34,093
Oh, God!
376
00:27:35,946 --> 00:27:39,087
All this treachery is so depressing.
377
00:27:39,328 --> 00:27:43,194
I mean, the whole thing
just makes you incredibly angry!
378
00:27:43,436 --> 00:27:44,966
And it just makes you want to...
379
00:27:45,208 --> 00:27:48,551
Oh, that's a nice waistcoat, Your Majesty.
380
00:27:49,839 --> 00:27:53,101
I'm sorry,
I've completely forgotten what I was talking about.
381
00:27:53,343 --> 00:27:55,639
A story of dishonour and deceit...
382
00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:58,619
That's a great story! That's great!
383
00:27:58,860 --> 00:28:03,210
Oh, that's a wonderful story!
Let me just jump into the corner first.
384
00:28:06,633 --> 00:28:10,096
Roast my raisins! He's popped it!
385
00:28:10,338 --> 00:28:13,117
Do you think he really was the Scarlet Pimpernel?
386
00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:18,231
Well, judging from the ridiculous ostentatiousness
of his death, I would say that he was.
387
00:28:18,473 --> 00:28:23,185
Well, that's a damn shame, because I wanted
to give him this enormous postal order.
388
00:28:23,426 --> 00:28:27,937
Please, sir, let me finish.
I would say that he was...n't .
389
00:28:28,178 --> 00:28:33,977
You see, the Scarlet Pimpernel would never ever
reveal his identity. That's his great secret.
390
00:28:34,219 --> 00:28:39,616
So what you're actually looking for
is someone who has, say, just been to France
391
00:28:39,857 --> 00:28:43,925
and rescued an aristocrat, but when asked,
"Are you the Scarlet Pimpernel?",
392
00:28:44,166 --> 00:28:46,260
he replies, "Absolutely not".
393
00:28:46,502 --> 00:28:50,086
But, wait a minute!
Blackadder, you've just been to France,
394
00:28:50,328 --> 00:28:53,066
and you've rescued a French aristocrat.
395
00:28:53,308 --> 00:28:56,248
Blackadder, are you the Scarlet Pimpernel?
396
00:28:56,490 --> 00:28:58,986
Absolutely not, sir.
397
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,054
Hurray!
36279
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