Original subtitles

I think we have a really big shoplifting problem.

I just did inventory and there are 30 records missing.

Oh, Angie, I forgot to tell you,

I moved those to the annexe,

otherwise known as my house.

Excuse me, Mr. Record Store Big Shot, I need some help.

Where can I find something by Bette Midler?

Well, we don't have any Bette Midler,

but may I suggest something even better?

Perhaps a little Sex Pistols?

Sex Pistols? Well, that's terrible.

Guns don't belong in the bedroom.

They agree, and a lot of their songs are about just that.

And they deliver their message with a smooth, mellow sound.

So it's like easy listening.

Well, they're not hard to hear.

Steven, the store is great.

I'm proud of you. Thank you.

Whoa, Hyde, I want you to really savor this moment.

Red's only nice every 75 years. Yeah.

He's kind of like the Halley's Comet of compliments.

I got one the first time I used the potty and...

Yeah, since then, nothing.

What am I supposed to do?

Compliment you every time you go to the can?

See?

All these kids, wasting their money on records.

You'd think they could be down at my muffler shop buying mufflers.

You're all stupid.

If you want, I could plug your store on my next radio show.

That'd be great, and tell them I'm giving away calendars.

Okay. Well, the only problem is

I don't know how many people will hear it.

I used to think I had a lot of listeners

'cause I had a lot of call-ins.

But it turns out it was just one crazy guy doing different voices.

You may know him as Fez.

Fez, just tell me your secret.

Just kiss me.

I'm not doing that.

Then I'm not telling you my secret.

Just tell me. Just kiss me.

Ugh!

Big news from the salon,

I just shampooed Marie, who waits tables at the coffee shop.

Well, that is big news.

She served pie at 1:00 a.m. to Kelso and Hyde's sister, Angie.

And Kelso took the pie and fed it to Angie, and she liked it.

Oh, my God.

This isn't good. Steven is gonna lose his mind.

I can't believe Angie went out with Kelso.

What? Angie went out with Kelso?

What?

Don't you "what" me, you know what you did.

It was $10, I'll put it back in the register.

No, not that. You went out with Kelso.

Look, in my town there are two rules.

One, don't date Kelso. Two, don't date Kelso.

Yeah, it even says that on the sign when you drive into town.

"Welcome to Point Place. Don't date Kelso."

The high school band spells that out during half time.

Look, I'm not dating Michael.

We went out one time, but it's not gonna happen again.

I need a guy who can eat a breadstick

without pretending it's a cigar first.

Okay, the thing is, Angie, Michael's like chocolate cake, okay?

It looks good in the bakery,

but when you take it home, it sleeps with all your friends.

Yeah.

Hey, Donna, what kind of food am I?

I don't know, I guess, a Twizzler.

What? No, it's a good thing.

You can have a lot of them and not even notice.

You're just gonna sit there and take that?

Of course you are. You're a Twizzler.

Are you closed yet or what?

I've been waiting in the parking lot for, like, forever.

I didn't see you out there.

That's 'cause I was hiding in the bushes by your car.

I figured when I jumped out,

you'd be so relieved it was me that you'd go out with me again.

Why didn't you just ask me out?

I don't know.

I was gonna but you're so pretty and successful and...

Plus, I kind of like hiding in the bushes.

Michael, I appreciate the offer,

but I'm not sure you're my type.

"Not your type"? I'm like ketchup, I go good on everything.

Yeah, well, thanks anyways.

Okay, all right. Look, Angie,

I really want to go out with you again, okay?

And I got about 50 lines that I could throw at you right now,

but I don't wanna do that because

I don't want you to go out with me

because of some line.

I want you to go out with me 'cause

you like me as much as I like you.

Are you telling me that's not a line?

Well, it's not now, but if it works, I can add it to the list.

Okay, you know what?

Let's go get a drink, but just one drink.

Ready for that drink now?

♪ Hanging out

♪ Down the street

♪ The same old thing

♪ We did last week

♪ Not a thing to do

♪ But talk to you

♪ We're all all right

♪ We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

You know, I'm not sure these Sex Pistols are for me.

Look, this fella's name is Johnny Rotten.

You'd think he'd change that for show business.

Mrs. Forman?

Okay, Steven just found out Michael went out with his sister,

so I need to think of something to do to cheer him up.

Well, I do know Steven loves peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.

So I go buy those?

No, Jackie, you make them.

So I hire someone to make them?

No, you have to make them with your own two hands.

I'll pay you $20 to make them.

Only you can put in the love,

that is the real secret ingredient.

$30.

Will you two hens stop clucking?

Donna's back on the radio.

Okay, that was the Thursday rock block

and you're listening to the new and improved Hot Donna.

Now with hair like strands of gold.

And if you're driving home and things are a little loud,

stop by the Forman & Son muffler shop,

where they're also giving away calendars.

She said "Forman" on the radio.

We're gonna have to change our phone number.

You know, that Donna is a great girl.

I can't believe that Eric wouldn't marry her.

When I get back home, I'm gonna kick him in the ass.

And now, Love You Inside Out by the Bee Gees,

going out to Jackie Burkhart from Steven Hyde.

Oh, see now, Steven loves me and wants everyone to know it.

Requested by Jackie Burkhart.

Okay, Fez, I'll play you one more game.

But just so you know, this "honk, honk" is a foul.

Hey, guys. Hey, Angie.

I need to talk to you guys about something.

Oh, God, you didn't go out with Kelso again, did you?

No, I was on my way to going out with him

but then we got interrupted by me sleeping with him.

What?

Well, at least they didn't go out. Wait a minute.

I need some advice.

My advice is, go back in time and don't sleep with Kelso.

Yeah, but you need a time machine.

The only person working on that is Kelso.

He says if you want to use it, you have to sleep with him.

So you're kind of back where you started.

Here's the thing.

I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I'm kind of, you know...

Bitchy?

I was gonna say "uptight," but fine.

I never relax and laugh, and with Michael that's all we do.

Except for the sex.

Although I did laugh, you know, during.

Actually, it was more of a giggle of appreciation.

Okay. I'm not sure you know what you're getting yourself into.

Kelso has a baby with another woman.

Yeah, he told me.

Damn.

I thought that would run you off for sure.

Let me try. I'm the master at running girls off.

You think he's good in bed, huh?

How do you think he got that good?

Practice, practice, practice.

Cheerleader, cheerleader, cheerleader's mother.

Hey, Fez, check out this nudie calendar.

Uh-oh.

Is this the calendar Red's giving away?

It's just pictures of half-naked girls posing by cars.

That's a disgrace.

I'll dispose of that.

No, I'll take it.

We'll never get it back now.

It's going in the box with my "naked lady" pen,

and my "I Got Crabs in Louisiana" T-shirt.

Thank you for helping me, Mrs. Forman.

Steven is gonna love these cookies.

Okay, now start by cracking a couple of eggs into the bowl.

I can't touch an egg.

Why not?

'Cause it came out of a chicken butt.

Honey, they wash it.

Well, wash it all you want, it still came out of a butt.

All right, so I've been thinking about Donna's "Twizzler" remark.

Maybe it's not so bad. I mean, yes, it is candy but,

you know, you bite both ends off, you got a straw.

It's a metaphor for versatility.

No, I think it's a metaphor for you

being long, skinny, bendy and floppy.

Hey, Hyde.

Why are you smiling?

I don't know.

Talk to Angie today?

No!

Oh, yeah!

I have officially nailed everyone in this room's sister.

Hey, Hyde, Kelso and Angie...

You already know.

Hyde, allow me to be the first to welcome you

to the Kelso-had-sex-with-my-sister club.

There's no handshake or passwords.

There's really just shame.

Damn it, Kelso.

My sister's been in town for a month,

you've already slept with her.

This is why I keep my sister 10,000 miles away in a jungle.

Believe me, if things don't work out

with Angie, I'm on the next flight out.

Hey, Hyde, remember how you kept bringing it up

when Kelso nailed my sister?

I never understood why, but now I get it.

It's fun.

So guess what? Kelso nailed your sister.

Oh, and another thing, Kelso nailed your sister.

Shut up, you little Twizzler.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

but Kelso nailed your sister.

Okay, I know you can do this.

An egg is not just something that comes out of a butt.

It's a life source, it's beautiful, so pick it up.

Why don't you do it? You're a nurse.

You mess around with butts all the time.

Just pick up the freaking egg, you spoiled brat.

Donna's back on the radio, maybe she'll mention my shop again.

Okay, now it's time for a new segment on my show.

What's on your mind, Hot Donna?

When I agreed to promote the Forman & Son calendar,

I had no idea that it was just pages

of half-naked women straddling drive shafts.

Which is wrong.

Wrong, because cars get very hot.

So if they were to do these things,

they would easily burn their thighs.

That's right. Forman & Son Mufflers

is promoting the burning of women.

What is she talking about?

Now, I would call for a boycott,

but girls never go down to these places,

so I call for a going-down-there- and-yelling-at-them

cott.

Oh, great. Now I've gotta go back down to the shop

before those hairy-ass feminists tear the place down.

Okay. Now, I would like to hear

from some pissed-off feminists.

You're on the air with Hot Donna.

Or, should I say, Hot-under-the-collar Donna.

Donna Pinciotti, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Suddenly you think women shouldn't be looked at.

Well, I've seen your outfits, Miss Lady Tank Top.

Mrs. Forman, this isn't about me, it's about society.

No, it's about Red, who's been like a second father to you,

and now finally he has something to be proud of

and you're forcing your weirdo hippie politics on it.

It's just a couple of greased-up broads on a Chevy.

Get over it.

Steven, I can't believe you thought I'd like these Sex Pistols.

I don't want anything this loud and crabby

in my house if I'm not married to it.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Forman. I'll make it up to you.

Have you ever heard of a band called Judas Priest?

Well, that's what Judas needed, a priest.

Are they spiritual?

I listen to them every Sunday.

Hey, Fez, you're the candy expert in these parts.

Okay, do you think I'm a Twizzler?

Well, you're no Hershey's Special Dark like your friend Fez.

Okay, well, then how do I un-Twizzle myself?

Well, you need to become richer, more chocolaty.

I don't know, just show Donna who's boss. Take her like a man.

I tried that once in bed, but all I got was a sprained wrist.

FYI, advice in Playboy,

not always practical if you can't overpower your woman.

Oh, hey, Hyde, how's it going with the store

and Kelso nailing your sister?

Steven,

stop turning the Pat Boone albums into Pat Boner albums.

Okay, you need to stop sleeping with Kelso, okay? It's embarrassing.

And if you catch something, we don't have medical.

It's not embarrassing. He really likes me, and I really like him.

You don't even know him.

You do realize he has a really bad

track record with women, right?

Look, I just don't want to see you get hurt.

Oh, my God! That's so sweet.

I finally feel like I have a brother.

Oh, Hyde has a sister

who got nailed by Kelso.

Mr. Forman, Mrs. Forman really yelled at me.

And I feel bad about what I said

on the radio and I'd like to apologize.

Don't worry about it.

People have been coming in non-stop

since you talked about the calendars.

I cannot believe all the disgusting perverts in this town,

who listen to my show.

Hey, pervs, I'm Hot Donna.

Dad?

You're with the pervs?

I'm just here to support Red.

I see that calendar, put it down.

No, I won't put it down.

You're the kid and I'm the dad,

and I will have my fantasy ladies.

Fine, Dad, but you won't have my respect.

One more woman who doesn't respect me.

That camel's back broke long ago.

Okay, this is Hot Donna back at the mic...

I'm a Twizzler?

I'm a Twizzler?

Uh-uh.

I'm a man.

Now you put on Free Bird 'cause we're gonna do it for 13 minutes.

Hey, Eric, what do you do when you have two pieces of wood

and want them to stick together?

Oh, you nail it.

It's easy, it's kind of like how Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.

But I don't know if I can find a piece of wood

that's as slutty as Hyde's sister.

You guys been working on this a while?

About as long as Kelso's been working on your sister.

Stop it. Stop it. Everybody stop it. Steven, don't listen to them.

Okay, I knew you were having a hard time, so I baked you these cookies.

Oh.

Ow!

Are they no good?

No, no, they're good.

I'll just suck on them.

Oh, forget it, I've ruined them.

They didn't make you feel better at all.

Oh, hey, Jackie, you know who did feel better?

Hyde's sister after Kelso nailed her.

Give me those.

Hey, Angie.

After you close up do you want to watch me eat a pizza?

Look, Michael, I'm not sure we should see each other again.

A lot of people have told me you're not

very serious about the women you date.

A lot of people.

A lot, a lot.

Everybody.

Okay, here's the thing about those stories.

They're all true.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my past, okay?

And I could tell you that I've changed

but I would rather just show you.

So why don't we start off slow as friends?

My other friends do not let me do that.

Just do me one favor?

Anything.

Just don't tell Hyde.

No, I gotta tell Hyde.

Okay, I've got my candles, I've got my bubbles,

and I've got my soothing, spiritual, Judas Priest music.