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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,279 This programme contains adult humour 2 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:10,199 ♪ You never have to feel that the night is yours alone 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:16,400 ♪ Rushing through the stars Captivated by the worlds beyond 4 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,839 ♪ You aren't alone 5 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:26,120 ♪ It's a small world and you've grown. ♪ 6 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,079 ♪ Oops up side your head 7 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,119 ♪ I said "Oops up side your head" 8 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,519 ♪ Oops up side your head 9 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,759 ♪ I said "Oops up side your head" 10 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,279 ♪ Oops up side your head 11 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:45,159 ♪ I said "Oops up side your head" 12 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,719 ♪ Oops up side your head 13 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,079 ♪ I said "Oops up side your head"... ♪ 14 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,599 HE LAUGHS 15 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:55,439 - Come on. 16 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,120 Oh, you're looking good. 17 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,040 Let me see those hands. 18 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,519 Hey! You can cut that out, pal! 19 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:09,519 The Gap Band in the house tonight, 20 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:14,679 oopsing and upping inside your head for Melanie's 21st. 21 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:18,719 Let's hear it for that special lady. 22 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,399 - ALL: Hooray. 23 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:22,879 - I can't hear you. 24 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,400 - ALL: Hooray. 25 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,359 - All right, Ken? Are you having a go, pal? 26 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,279 - No, I'm going for a piss. 27 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:39,079 - Ken Dixon there, ladies and gentleman, 28 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:42,039 going to shake hands with the unemployed. 29 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,560 - TOOT TOOT 30 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:48,199 ♪ Oops up side your head 31 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,199 ♪ I said "Oops up side your head" 32 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,560 ♪ Oops up side your head... ♪ 33 00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,279 - You all right, Tommy? 34 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:00,719 - Yeah. 35 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,199 What time's the buffet opening? 36 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:07,119 - Bloody hell, Tommy, is that all you ever think about? 37 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,519 We'll give you a shout, don't worry. 38 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,560 - Good. 39 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:21,239 - Are you gonna come out when she cuts the cake or do you want me to see if she'll fetch it in here? 40 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:22,759 - Piss off! 41 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,959 THE BIRDIE SONG 42 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:29,519 ♪ La, la, la, la, laa, laa, la-la-la 43 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:34,640 ♪ La, la, la, laa, la-la, la, la 44 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:40,079 ♪ La, la, la, la-la, la-la-la 45 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,119 ♪ La, la, la, la, la, 46 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,399 ♪ La, la-la, la... ♪ 47 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:50,439 - The Birdie Song in the house tonight. 48 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,600 Come on! 49 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:58,159 Don't forget ladies and gents, if you want a request, I'll do my best. 50 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:02,320 And there's always the karaoke if you're feeling brave. 51 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,039 Now, I've gotta a little request here - 52 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:10,599 can I please play something for Tanya behind the bar. 53 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,879 - ALL: Whey! 54 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,039 - You may or may not know this, 55 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:19,639 - ALL: Oh! 56 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:25,519 - Apparently, when she handed her notice in, this is what she said... 57 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:29,399 - ♪ Please release me 58 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:34,280 TOOT TOOT 59 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,679 - And Ken said... 60 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,800 - ♪ Please don't go 61 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,400 ♪ Don't go 62 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,919 ♪ Don't go away 63 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,719 ♪ Please don't go... ♪ 64 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:52,079 - And she said... 65 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,359 - ♪ But the money's no good 66 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,599 ♪ Just get a grip on yourself... ♪ 67 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,079 - And he said... 68 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:01,079 - Just get on with it! 69 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:07,399 - Hey! I was up till four o'clock this morning sorting this out for tossers like you! 70 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:11,239 Now does anyone want to know what he said next, 71 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,399 or have I just wasted my time up here? 72 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,839 - Er... I do, Joe. 73 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,959 - Right, where was I then? What had he said? 74 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,359 - Er... - "Please Release Me. 75 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:25,399 - No, no. She's handed her notice in, she said, "Please Release Me". 76 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:29,039 - That's right, she said "Please Release Me". What did he say next? 77 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,239 - "Please Don't Go". 78 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,759 - And she said, "But The Money's No Good". 79 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,439 - That's it, The Stranglers. 80 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,319 Anyway this is what he said next. 81 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,760 - ♪ Money's too tight to mention 82 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,360 ♪ Oh, money, money... ♪ 83 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,999 - Are you having that? 84 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,439 He ruined that him - 85 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,479 four-eyed git. 86 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:56,120 - ♪ For my pension... ♪ 87 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:00,879 ♪ I get knocked down, but I get up again... ♪ 88 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,759 Room for a slim fella there? 89 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,559 - Yeah, get in here, pal. - Oh, thanks love 90 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,519 Keith Braithwaite, Melanie's Dad. 91 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:11,519 - Oooh hello, I'm Debbie. - Have you got a drink, love? - I'm just waiting. 92 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,039 - I'll get you one, what you having? - Oooh, a G and T please, Keith. 93 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,080 - I bet you say that to all the girls. 94 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,000 - Hey! Tick tock! 95 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,559 Hey love, when you're ready. - Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute. 96 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:28,719 - Take your time. Keith's going nowhere tonight. 97 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,959 Unless your mate's got any ideas. Hey, Debs? Tick tock! 98 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,479 - So you're Melanie's dad, are you? 99 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:39,399 - That's me, Keith Braithwaite, and very proud of her I am too. 100 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,959 Have you got any kids, Deb? - No, no not me. 101 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,999 Yes, Keith? - I'll get it Ken. 102 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,639 - No, you get these glasses washed. Can't you see we're running short? 103 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:53,639 - Sorry! - A pint of bitter, a large G and T and whatever you're having. 104 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:56,799 - I'm all right thanks, Keith. - Watching your figure, are you? 105 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,199 Hey Debs? Tick tock! 106 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:00,479 - Anything else, Keith? 107 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:04,599 - Just hang on a minute, Ken. Just hang on. Mel! Melanie! - Yeah. 108 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,959 - Are you having a drink, darling? 109 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,279 Dean, are you having one? - Yeah, I'll have another one, please. 110 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:14,279 - Another pint for Dean. What you having, Mel? - I'm all right, thanks. 111 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:16,719 - All right? All right? You're having one! 112 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:22,079 If I can't buy my own daughter a drink on her 21st birthday, that is a poor do. Hey, come on. 113 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,919 Have a Bacardi and Coke. Go on. 114 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,959 - I think she's pacing herself a little bit, Keith. 115 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,479 - What on her 21st? 116 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,079 What a load of crap! 117 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:35,639 Bacardi and Coke please and make it a large one. Thank you, Ken. 118 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,279 - I'm ready for another, Keith. 119 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,160 - Bloody hell, Debbie! 120 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:47,119 - Are you enjoying it, love? - Oh, yeah, great. Are you? 121 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:51,159 - Yeah, I'm having a whale of a time. You all right, Dean? - Yeah, great. 122 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,879 - You need any more Bob Hope? 123 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:57,519 - Oh, no. Not that last stuff you sold mate, it blew my head off. A bit strong wasn't it? 124 00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:00,760 - You're telling me. Have you seen Phil? He's been on it all day. 125 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,199 - HE LAUGHS 126 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,440 HE BLOWS WHISTLE 127 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:16,559 - Are you all right, Dad? 128 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:20,799 "Where's that gone?" - I know. 129 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:24,279 - We've had some good laughs, me and you, haven't we kid? - Yeah. 130 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,559 I'll miss you like mad when I move out, you know that, don't you? 131 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,119 - Course I do. 132 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:34,199 - Dad, why don't you ask Tanya if she'll stay? I bet she would if YOU asked her, you know. 133 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:37,839 - No chance. She let me down when she handed her notice in. 134 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,999 She knows I'll miss her behind that bar. 135 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,559 - You're not gonna miss her behind the bar, you'll just miss her. 136 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:44,999 That's why you're upset. 137 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,719 - Mel, Hayley and Jack are here. 138 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,239 - Just coming. 139 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,200 Why don't you tell her that, Dad? 140 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,519 - Poor Ken. 141 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,599 - When he came up last week and told me she'd handed her notice in, 142 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:05,639 I could tell by his face, it were tearing him apart inside. 143 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:09,359 - Knocked him for six, hasn't it? - It has. 144 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:15,279 I tried to be strong, Winnie, but as soon as he went back down, I just cried and cried. 145 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:18,079 - Oh, dear. 146 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:23,079 - When will I ever get the chance of a nice conservatory again? 147 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:26,639 - Joe, Joe, the buffet's open. 148 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,279 - Hey, have you seen it in here tonight, hey Ken? 149 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,959 Brilliant! I bet you'll miss all this when you go. 150 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,159 - I won't tell a lie, I will. 151 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,999 - OK ladies and gentlemen, 152 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:41,439 it's time to take your life into your hands as Ken's buffet is open. 153 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,959 - ALL: Hooray! 154 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,319 I told you to give me a five-minute warning. 155 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,559 - It's not a nuclear attack, Tommy. It's a bloody buffet. 156 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:52,639 - Oh, bloody hell! - OK, ladies and gentlemen, 157 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:57,239 feel free to have a go on the karaoke while I'm away, 158 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:01,679 but for now, I'll leave you with a little bit of Chris Rea. 159 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:07,319 We're on the road to hell at Melanie's 21st. 160 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,359 - START OF MUSIC 161 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,599 Tosser! - Knobhead! - He's shit! 162 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,679 - Hey Joe, Joe! 163 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:18,719 - What? - We'll have a go on the karaoke. - Oh, right, right, right. 164 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,239 OK, what do you want? 165 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,960 - This one. - No problem, lads. Give me two seconds. Grab a microphone. 166 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:32,160 - Are there any more sausage rolls, Jean? - No. - Oh, bloody hell! 167 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:38,039 - Ladies and gentlemen, 168 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,160 Phil and Nige. 169 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:49,239 - ♪ Ebony and ivory 170 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:54,479 ♪ Live together in perfect harmony 171 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:59,519 ♪ Side by side on my piano keyboard 172 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,999 ♪ Oh Lord, why can't we? ♪ 173 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:07,919 - Yeah, yeah, Pickles it was, yeah 1966. 174 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,959 - Right. - We had it as a quiz question in here a few weeks ago. 175 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:14,399 Me and Joan knew it. - Right. 176 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,759 - That's my wife Joan there. 177 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:22,439 For er... excrement, Chris. 178 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,600 - Oh, right. 179 00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:29,159 ♪ We learn to live 180 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:34,039 ♪ We learn to give each other what we need to survive 181 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,839 ♪ Together alive... ♪ 182 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,919 What've you drawn a face on it for? 183 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,759 - No, that's not her arse, that's a space-hopper. - Oh, right. 184 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:47,119 - Fancy her being the receptionist at your place, eh John? - Aye. 185 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:48,919 - It's a small world. - It is to her. 186 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:51,439 - All right, Duff? Lads? - All right, Joe? 187 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,639 How's your love life? Still the fastest gun in the west? 188 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,519 - Keep your bloody voice down, you pillock! 189 00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:02,119 - Have you done what I said? - What? - Counting back from a hundred to take your mind off it? 190 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:05,359 - I've not had chance yet, she won't let me near her. 191 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,959 What was the other one you said? - Think of the England players who won the World cup in '66. 192 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,719 - I think that's what she does. - There you go, Joe. Have a drink on me, pal. 193 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,519 You're doing a top job tonight. 194 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,039 Hey, tick tock. 195 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,960 - Cheers, Keith. 196 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:23,919 - From the top end of Piper St, past McVities, up to the bank on Bird Hall Lane. 197 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,599 It's been going on for nearly two years now, it has. 198 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:30,679 - Has it? - I don't suppose it's caused you any problems, you know, 199 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,480 living in London and that? 200 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:35,920 - No. 201 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,719 - Chris. 202 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:44,680 - ♪ Ebony and ivory 203 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:50,200 ♪ Live together in perfect harmony 204 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:55,479 ♪ Side by side on my piano keyboard 205 00:11:55,480 --> 00:12:00,000 ♪ Oh Lord, why can't we? 206 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,839 ♪ Side by side on my piano keyboard 207 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:11,919 ♪ Oh Lord, why can't we? 208 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,959 - And the rest of the jury agreed with me 100%, 209 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,199 the cakes were better on Monday than they were on Wednesday. 210 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,199 - Right. 211 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,680 Are you not having a pee? - No, no I had one earlier. 212 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,239 The thing is when you've been on jury service for any length of time, 213 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:33,359 a lemon bun or a vanilla slice can make a difference to the verdict. 214 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:37,239 A bloke there reckoned that if you do jury service in America, 215 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:41,159 you can have whatever cakes you want. - That's America for you. 216 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,680 - I reckon that must be why O J Simpson got off. 217 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,359 - Nice buffet, isn't it, Tommy? 218 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,879 - Yeah. 219 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:53,920 - HE BREAKS WIND 220 00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,759 Over here when you're ready, love. 221 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:03,279 - Yes, Keith? - A pint of bitter, a large G and T for Debbie, 222 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,639 a Bacardi and Coke for our Melanie, 223 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:09,319 a pint of bitter for Dean. Are you having a drink yet, Ken? 224 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:10,919 - I'm all right, Keith. 225 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:15,359 - Fair enough. Can I tempt you with a drink, sweetheart? 226 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:16,879 - Yeah, that'd be nice. 227 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,199 - How about next Friday then? I'll pick you up at half past eight. 228 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,759 - Cheeky. - Hey, tick tock. 229 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:25,199 - Get some glasses collected when you've done that. 230 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,799 - I'll miss your way with words, Ken. 231 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,879 - Running a tight ship here, aren't you Ken? - Not for much longer, Keith. 232 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:35,320 Some of the rats have already started deserting it. 233 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:46,199 - Uppers, downers, poppers, a bit of skunk. 234 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,079 You name it, we can get it for you. 235 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,039 - Here you are, pal. 236 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,880 - Cheers, Nige. 237 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,319 - Top night, innit? - Yeah, it is. 238 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,759 Have you got your eye on Joe? 239 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,759 - I have. 240 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:07,639 I'm planning on getting my hands on him and all if I get half the chance. 241 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,559 - I might be on for Keith Braithwaite later. 242 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:15,159 - Are you? - Yep. - Oooh. I thought you said he was a bit of a shithouse? 243 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,119 - That were four gins ago, he looks a bit of all right now. 244 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:22,160 - Bloody hell! He's gone from cesspit to Brad Pitt. 245 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,920 Hiya. - Hiya. - There's someone in there. 246 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:35,159 - What's up? Are you all right? 247 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:39,159 - What is it, love? - Nothing, nothing, it's just me. 248 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:43,919 - What, what is it? - It's because it's my last night. It's all got to me. 249 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:47,439 I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. - Hey, don't be sorry. 250 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:52,359 - We understand. - I don't want to leave, you know that, but it's him. 251 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:57,879 I've wasted all that time thinking there might be something and he couldn't give a toss. 252 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:03,679 - You know it's not true. - He thinks more about his ex-wife who shit on him than he does about me. 253 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:09,359 - It doesn't matter, does it? 254 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:11,399 Sod him! 255 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:17,680 - All right, Joan? - Yeah, I've just been making a bit of room for the buffet. 256 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:26,919 - Calm down. You've done too much. Nobody's staring at you. - They are. 257 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,959 - Who? - They all are. - Don't be daft. 258 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,239 - And them little one's hiding behind the curtains. 259 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,200 - Oh, bloody hell! 260 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:41,479 ♪ For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow 261 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,199 ♪ For she's a jolly good fellow 262 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,959 ♪ And so say all of us 263 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,999 ♪ And so say all of us... ♪ 264 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:54,119 Everything ready, Joe? - Aye... - OK, give us the mike. 265 00:15:54,120 --> 00:16:01,239 OK, if I can have your attention please, I'd like to say a few words while I'm still sober! Ticktock! 266 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,679 It's been a smashing do so far, hasn't it? 267 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:11,599 I'm sure you'd like to join me in thanking Ken, Melanie's stepfather, for making all this possible. 268 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:14,680 CHEERING 269 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:21,119 Just on a personal note for a moment, 270 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:27,119 I know there's a lot of you here that already know that over the past few years 271 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:31,239 this young lady has searched high and low 272 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,439 to find me... 273 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,600 her real dad... 274 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:41,239 ..and I can honestly say, oh, boy... boy, oh, boy, 275 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,160 I'm so happy that she found me. 276 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,999 OK, Joe. 277 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,520 KARAOKE MUSIC BEGINS 278 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:55,560 ♪ You are the sunshine of my life 279 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:02,759 ♪ That's why I'll always be ar-r-round 280 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,320 ♪ Oh, yes 281 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,840 ♪ You are the apple of my eye 282 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:18,440 ♪ Forever you'll stay in my heart 283 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:26,800 ♪ You must have know that I was lonely... ♪ - He's got a bloody nerve, hasn't he? 284 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:32,239 - ♪ Because you came to my rescue 285 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,079 ♪ Doo-bee, doo-bee, dah-dah... ♪ 286 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:39,759 There you go, Joe, you deserve that. - Cheers, love. 287 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,759 - It's been a great night, hasn't it? 288 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:46,800 - The party's only just begun, Nicola. - Oh-h! 289 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,040 I hope so. 290 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:56,359 You've got 'em in the palm of your hand, haven't you? 291 00:17:56,360 --> 00:18:00,280 - Have I? - Yeah, you have. 292 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:05,640 What's going through your mind now, Joe? 293 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,320 - Nobby Stiles and Bobby Charlton. 294 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,999 - And I said, "Have you thought about Eccles cakes?" 295 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,599 Oh, here's my wife now, Christopher. I want you to meet someone special. 296 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:26,879 This is Christopher, Joan. - Oh, that's funny, my first name's Joan, Christopher. 297 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:31,959 - No, no, this is Christopher, Joan, not Christopher Joan. - Oh, I'm sorry. 298 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:36,479 I'm always doing that, aren't I, Eddie? - Yeah. - That's all right. 299 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:40,679 - Christopher's diabetic, Joan. - Are you? - Yeah. 300 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:45,519 - And do you have to take that stuff? - Insulin, yeah, every day. - Really? 301 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,559 - Great, isn't it? 302 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:52,959 - The doctor told me when I was 15, "You've got two choices, either take that every day or die". 303 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,560 - And what did you decide? 304 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:03,639 - Thank you. Hey, ticktock! Thanks very much. Showtime! 305 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:08,319 Joe, who's next? - It's Jean. Give me that mike. - OK, ladies and gentlemen, 306 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:13,720 let's hear it for Melanie's grandma, Jean Dixon. 307 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:20,479 Wild horses must have dragged her from the buffet, eh? Ticktock! - Give me that mike! 308 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,560 Come on up, Jean! 309 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:33,879 - This song's for Kenny, who isn't here for just one day of Melanie's life, 310 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,760 he's there for her every day. 311 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,559 ♪ I sit and wait 312 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:44,839 ♪ Does an angel 313 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:48,560 ♪ Contemplate my fate? 314 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:57,079 ♪ And do they know the places where we go 315 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:01,200 ♪ When we're grey and old? 316 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:07,119 ♪ Coz I have been told 317 00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:10,159 ♪ That salvation 318 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:14,040 ♪ Lets their wings unfold 319 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,719 ♪ So when I'm lying in my bed 320 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:23,199 ♪ Thoughts running through my head 321 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:26,799 ♪ And I feel that love is dead 322 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:31,439 ♪ I'm loving angels instead 323 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,679 ♪ And through it all 324 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:38,279 ♪ She offers me protection 325 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:41,879 ♪ A lot of love and affection 326 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,719 ♪ Whether I'm right or wrong 327 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,639 ♪ And down the waterfall 328 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,639 ♪ Wherever it may take me 329 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,679 ♪ I know my life won't break me 330 00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:56,959 ♪ When I come to call 331 00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:00,640 ♪ She won't forsake me 332 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:06,840 ♪ I'm loving angels instead... ♪ 333 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,559 - What's that old trout on about there? 334 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,959 - What? - Having a pop at me. "Only here for one day". 335 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:20,239 Just because I've not been in here, doesn't mean I haven't seen her. Silly old cow. 336 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:25,479 - Don't say that about Jean, Keith. - Who'd want to come in here anyway? 337 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:29,039 It's a bloody shithole, full of tossers like you. 338 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:33,119 - There's only one tosser in here. - You think so, do you? 339 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:37,439 I'll show you who's a tosser. Come on, outside. - No, forget it. 340 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:41,839 - Come on, lard arse, let's see what you're made of. - I don't want a fight. 341 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:46,119 - You shouldn't have opened your big gob, then. - Just leave it. 342 00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:50,399 - You're a big fella. Have a go! Come on! - I don't want any trouble. 343 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,760 - Well, I do. - Yeah, so do I. 344 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,759 - ♪ And through it all 345 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,039 ♪ She offers me protection 346 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,199 ♪ A lot of love and affection 347 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,119 ♪ Whether I'm right or wrong 348 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:11,879 ♪ And down the waterfall 349 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:14,599 ♪ Wherever it may take me 350 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:18,279 ♪ I know that life won't break me 351 00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:21,199 ♪ When I come to call 352 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:25,240 ♪ She won't forsake me 353 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:30,640 ♪ I'm loving angels instead... ♪ 354 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:35,160 ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO CONTINUES 355 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,840 - Bloody hell! 356 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,560 Oh, well, he won't miss this, then. 357 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:51,920 - Duffy. 358 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,839 - ♪ And through it all 359 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,719 ♪ She offers me protection 360 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,919 ♪ A lot of love and affection 361 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,599 ♪ Whether I'm right or wrong... ♪ 362 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:23,439 - Are you watching or working? There are people waiting to be served. - All right. Bloody hell! 363 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:28,199 - ♪ Wherever it may take me I know that life won't break me 364 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:33,479 ♪ When I come to call... ♪ - Duffy, look after this for me. I'm going for a pee. 365 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,519 - All right. No problem. 366 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:40,280 - ♪ I'm loving angels instead. ♪ 367 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,079 Hello, Joe. - What are you doing? 368 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:46,199 What do you want? - You. 369 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:49,759 - Oh, bloody hell. You can't have me. I'm the DJ. 370 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,079 - I think that's why I want you. 371 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:56,199 - Oh, Nicola, that's silly. I'll be an ordinary bloke tomorrow. 372 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,439 - Not tonight you're not, though. Come here. 373 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,999 - Oh, no, I can't. - You can. 374 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:06,040 - I can't. - Oh, yes, you can. - No, I can't. - You can. 375 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,679 - Oh! Bloody Hell! Give 'em here. 376 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:15,200 - Ken, can I have a word? - What is it? - In the back a minute, please. 377 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:22,239 - What's up? - What's the matter with you? - What d'you mean? 378 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:28,799 - You've been picking on me all night for nothing. Picking, like a bear with a sore head. What have I done? 379 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:34,639 - You've been swanning about playing up to everyone, because it's your last night. Pull your weight! 380 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:39,239 After all I've done for you? 381 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:42,519 - All I'm saying... - Now, you listen to me. 382 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:47,079 I've worked my arse off, sometimes for nothing, cos you've struggled 383 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:51,679 and I thought something of you. This is the thanks I get, is it? 384 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:57,760 What a bloody mug I've been, eh? I'll tell you what, you will never treat me like that again... ever. 385 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,799 - Ken! > 386 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,679 Ken! You're missing your Melanie. 387 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:08,360 Here she is now, the birthday girl. 388 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,039 - Tanya, I'm sorry. 389 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:19,559 - I'd just like to thank you all for coming and for all your presents. 390 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:24,519 I'd like to thank Joe, wherever he is, for doing the disco. 391 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:29,000 - < I hope you're not paying him. - I'd like to thank my Dean. 392 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:37,320 - I'm sorry. - I'd also especially like to thank Tanya for working so hard. 393 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:46,799 It's her last night tonight and I know that we'd like to wish her all the best for her future. 394 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:50,599 She'll be sadly missed by all, not least my dad, 395 00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:55,599 who I know appreciates everything that she's done for him. 396 00:25:55,600 --> 00:26:02,279 And last of all, I'd like to thank my dad for putting this special night on for me, 397 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:08,759 and more than that, I'd like to thank him for being my best friend for the last 21 years 398 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:14,439 and the best dad that anyone could ever wish for. Can you come up, Dad? 399 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,959 - CHEERING 400 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:20,199 Speech! Speech! 401 00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:23,440 - Speech! - Speech! - Speech! 402 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:35,799 - Thanks, love, and thanks everybody for coming. 403 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:39,639 I'm sure you all know how much I think of Melanie 404 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:43,679 and for her to have her 21st in the place where she grew up, 405 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:47,280 surrounded by all her friends, and all of mine too... 406 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,760 ..it really means a lot to me. 407 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:57,479 I've spent some of the best times of my life here 408 00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:02,240 and I've never really wanted to leave this place, as you all know... 409 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,120 ..and I still don't. 410 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,800 So I've made a decision tonight... 411 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:15,320 ..I'm going to stay... 412 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:25,760 ..but only if Tanya will stay with me. 413 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,440 Tanya? 414 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:40,159 - Bloody Hell! 415 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,239 - ♪ Tale as old time 416 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:45,959 ♪ Song as old as rhyme 417 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,759 ♪ Beauty and the beast. ♪ 418 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,520 - Piss off! 419 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:55,559 - That should do it, Joe. 420 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,679 Ooh... ooh... ooh... 421 00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,800 Joe, that's nice. 422 00:28:00,360 --> 00:28:02,039 Ooooh... 423 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,159 Joe... Joe... 424 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:07,759 - Gordon Banks. - What? 425 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,919 - Bobby Mo-o-oore... 426 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:13,000 Geoff Hu-u-u-urst... 427 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:15,839 Oh-h, 428 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,840 oh... oh-h-h! 429 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:22,359 I think it's all over. 430 00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:24,559 - It is NOW! 431 00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:26,839 ♪ Rushing through the stars 432 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:31,000 ♪ Captivated by the worlds beyond 433 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:35,920 ♪ So far, unknown 434 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:40,599 ♪ Floating in a car 435 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:43,800 ♪ Past the gates of mustdestroy.com 436 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:49,159 ♪ You aren't alone 437 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:53,400 ♪ It's a small world and you've grown. ♪ 35278

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