All language subtitles for That 70s Show - S05E17 - The Battle of Evermore

Eric, what are you doing eating?

Well, it's mainly for survival,

but I also enjoy
the fruity tastes.

I told you to replace the
hubcap on the Vista Cruiser.

So, what is it?

You're mature
enough to get married,

but not mature enough
to replace a hubcap?

Well, let's see. You took
away my keys, so I can't drive,

and you took away my job,
so I can't afford a new hubcap,

and you also took
away my self-esteem,

so I have no pride in my job
or my possessions.

For gosh sake, you've
been arguing for two weeks.

Now stop it. Help me
with this crossword puzzle.

I need a four-letter word
for disappointment.

Eric.

It fits.

Well, now, that can't be right.

So, he's like,
"Replace the hubcap."

And I'm like, "Hey, why
don't you replace the hubcap."

And that is why I'm
trimming the hedges.

Yeah.

I only mess with Red when
I really need the discipline.

He's a total hard ass.

Hard ass? Take another look, my
friend. It jiggles when he wiggles.

Man, I don't know what
the hell the deal is with Leo.

He told me to take a week off
from The Fotohut two weeks ago,

- and I haven't
heard from him since.
- Well, we need to find him

'cause we're all out of film,
if you know what I mean.

I need film, then I could take
pictures of Nina and me doing it.

Fez, film doesn't
really mean film.

Who cares?

Because for the first time in my
life, doing it really means doing it.

So, I guess this is the way

an immature, engaged,
high school dumb ass,

with no car, no job and no
money, trims the hedges.

That was like eight
burns in one sentence.

An octo-burn.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Okay, you two, since you
won't bond on your own,

I have signed you up
for the father-son competition

at this year's Point Place Paul
Bunyan Pioneer Day Jamboree.

- Kitty, that sounds horrible.
- Yeah, I agree.

You hear that?
We've already bonded.

No, it's too late.
It's for charity.

Now, don't forget

your
commemorative coonskin caps.

Huh!

So that's what you'd
look like with hair.

♪ Hanging out

♪ Down the street

♪ The same old thing

♪ We did last week

♪ Not a thing to do

♪ But talk to you

♪ We're all all right

♪ We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

- Hey.
- I'd kiss you,

but I'm afraid your hat will
wake up and scratch my eyes out.

So, you guys, Joanne has been
chosen to emcee Pioneer Days.

Tell them why, baby.

I won the tobacco-spitting
contest last year.

What a lady.

I'll be manning
the hard-cider booth.

It's a good way to raise
money, 'cause of all the drunks.

Ooh, ooh! People are signing
in. Come on, get excited, you two!

Well, howdy, newcomers!
I'm Charlie Miller.

You can call me Charlie.
This is my son, Mitch.

You can call me ladies' man.

- Ladies' man.
- Did somebody call me?

I'm Red Forman.
This is my son, Eric.

You can call him dumb ass.

Well,
we don't use the A-S-S word,

we have a reputation to uphold.

We're the two-time champs.

Little secret, Red, I tell Mitch
here it doesn't matter how we do

as long as we're together.

- And why is that, Dad?
- 'Cause we bad!

- Oh, yeah, that's right! We bad!
- We bad!

All right. Dad, they have a
catch phrase. Hey, what's ours?

Shut up, dumb ass.

Yeah. Shut up,
dumb ass. Okay. Yeah.

Oh, well, no wonder Leo
hasn't told me to come to work,

there's no work to come to.

- Mmm, did he leave a note?
- Nope,

just this.

You know, he looked dirty,

but he always
smelled like clean sheets.

You know, you're talking
about him like he's gone, man.

He would have told me
if he was leaving town.

Maybe a UFO appeared,

and it shot down a beam,
and made everyone

and everything
inside The Fotohut vanish.

Yeah, like an apparition.

Kelso, you don't even know
what an apparition is.

Hey, if I can't use
words I don't understand,

this is gonna be
one quiet afternoon.

Let's get started.

"To make room for
a new trading post,

"Paul Bunyan needs to
clear-cut 200 acres of forest.

"The first team to
chop 25 logs wins."

And chop!

Um, excuse me, my ax is stuck.

Way to go, Mitch.

- Ooh! That's right! We bad!
- Oh, yeah, we bad!

- Pull the ax out, Eric.
- I can't,
it's really stuck in there.

And you think you're ready to be
married. You can't even chop wood.

What are you gonna do for heat
in the winter, burn comic books?

Hmm, I don't know. I guess I would
probably just turn on the heater!

How can Eric and Red
be fighting already?

Well, it's almost as if forcing
them together against their will,

and giving them sharp objects,

wasn't really the best way
to get them to make up.

Another hard cider, Bob.

Make it a double.

Well, we couldn't find Leo. We
just checked all his hangouts.

- The Hub.
- Alley behind The Hub.

- Fatso Burger.
- Alley behind
the Fatso Burger.

Hyde, when are you gonna
accept the fact that Leo just bailed?

Man, he would not leave
without saying goodbye, okay?

I know him better
than I know my own father.

I'd like to do it
with Nina in an alley.

My bare ass

pressed up
against a cold dumpster.

You know, we're getting killed here
thanks to your screwing up that last event.

All you had to do was build
a cabin out of Lincoln Logs.

Well, I thought I'd score some extra
points by building the Millennium Falcon.

The Millennium what?

If that's a Star Wars thing,
I'm gonna kick you in the ass.

It's not a Star Wars thing,

it's a very rare falcon

that can do the Kessel Run
in under six parsecs.

Hey, just remember, guys,
it's not whether you win or lose,

it's how you play the game.

Unfortunately, you guys don't
know how to play the game.

Oh, ho, no, hey, hey. We don't wanna
rub in their face that they're big losers.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

- Uh-oh.
- I didn't... It came out!

This is the worst Point Place Paul
Bunyan Pioneer Days Jamboree ever.

And now, the cow-milking event.

Could you just award us our
first-place points right now?

It'd save a lot of time and
embarrassment for our friends over here.

You know, it kind of would.

"Babe the Blue Ox needs lots of
calcium to carry Paul Bunyan's lumber,

"or his brittle bones
will snap, and he'll die.

"The first team to fill
their barrel with milk

"and save Babe from
osteoporosis, wins."

And milk!

Hey! There's something wrong
with our cow.

Her things aren't working!

Well,
you can't just yank on them.

Red never was much for foreplay.

- Keep it coming, Mitch.
- This is amazing.

It's like she was just waiting
for my magic fingers

to coax that sweet liquid
right out of her teats.

Move over, Dad.
I'll show you how it's done.

What makes you think that you...

Go, Eric. Go.

Well, honey, good for you.

Mitch, they're winning. What
happened to your magic fingers?

Get off my back, old man!

Dad, here.

Team Forman wins!

You let me down, Son. I
thought you were better than that.

Oh, what are you gonna do?
Lock me in the closet again?

He locks me in the closet!

It's a walk-in!
It's a walk-in.

So, Dad, what do you say now?

Why are you so good at that?

How are we gonna break
into Leo's apartment?

You need a credit
card to slip in the door.

Ponch used one on CHiPs once,

and the lady he rescued
was so grateful, they did it.

Kelso, if we had a credit card,

we could buy a sledgehammer
and break down the door.

If we had a credit card, I'd be
butt-deep in Jordache right now.

- Oh, Leo, man.
- I'm gonna kick him,
see if he's okay.

- Kelso, no.
- Well, at least
throw something at him.

If he's asleep, he'll wake up,

and if he's dead, you can say
you threw something at a dead guy.

Officer, I
have a prescription for that.

No, relax, bud.
We're just looking for Leo.

Oh, he left.
I'm his cousin, Eli.

Really, he just left?
He didn't call or anything?

Oh, Steven, I'm sorry.

Yeah, don't take it personal, Hyde.
You know Leo never liked phones.

He said he could
hear voices in them.

By the way, he left a note.

Do any of you know
a kid named Heidi?

He means Hyde. That's me, man.
The note's for me!

I mean,
the note's for me.

"Dear Hyde, man. One day I
stopped in Point Place for some gas.

"Before I knew it,
eight years had passed.

"Whoa, that rhymes.

"Anyway,
I should get home to my wife.

"Take care.
You're a good kid, man.

"You're a good kid, man."

See, I told you he wouldn't
leave without saying goodbye.

Oh, Steven, you really do love
that old, dirty little hippie.

And he left you something else.

He said that you liked film,
if you know what I mean.

All right.

I was hoping we could take
a little something home,

you know,
put it in the shirt pocket.

Holy hell!

You know,
Donna, I've been drinking...

I mean, thinking.

I want you and
Eric to get married.

Okay, even though I know
it's just the cider talking, yay!

"Pioneer Pete is
lost in the woods.

"Assemble the map
to find his bow and arrow,

"and shoot the bell with the
arrow, and Pioneer Pete will appear.

"Do not shoot Pioneer Pete."

And go.

- Okay, this one goes here.
- And this piece goes here.

Come on, Mitch. Don't give up.

Oh, okay, Mr. I Haven't
Had A Job In Five Years.

So, the bow and arrow are
behind the feeding trough!

Go, go, go!

- Yeah!
- Yes!

Howdy, y'all!
I'm Pioneer Pete!

Look, Donna, it's me, your dad.

Well,
Mitch, I hope you're happy.

How can I be happy?
Our whole life is a lie.

I mean, am I really supposed to
believe that Kathy is my little sister?

She doesn't look anything like
me. She is Cuban, for Pete's sake!

And what about
your Friday bowling nights?

I looked in your bowling bag,
you know what I found?

Buttless chaps!

What's with the buttless chaps?

Your mother's inhibited.

Don't shake hands with that guy.

I can't close my mouth.

Can you close your mouth?

It's really
starting to freak me out.

Leo's the best.

Leo made me
a grilled cheese once.

He used butter, and he
made the crust extra toasty.

He forgot cheese.

I'm gonna miss that
grilled-cheese-making son of a bitch.

You know, one time, I heard
Leo talking on the phone,

and he was speaking Chinese.

So, I said,
"Leo, stop speaking Chinese."

So, he turned around,
and it wasn't Leo.

It was a Chinese guy.

You know,
I'll never forget that.

I'm just sad I'll never get to see his
face when I tell him I did it with Nina.

Actually, I'd like to see my
face when I do it with Nina.

I bet I look like a stallion.

So, today we sit in this
circle in honor of Leo.

He was my boss.
He was my friend.

He was my connection. To Leo!

To Leo!

Well,

I found out how much cider
is too much cider.

A barrel?

Shut it!

Great news. Little Timmy Stinson
cut his finger off in a whittling event.

They're out,
we're in second place.

And if we win this next event,
we'll be champions,

and maybe even friends.

Look, we've had a rough day,

and we've both said some
things that we didn't mean,

but we've got to pull it
together for this final event.

Just tell me where
you go Friday nights.

I rent a motel room, and I
lock the door, and I cry, okay?

I cry like a damn baby.

Why do you need
buttless chaps for that?

Okay, it's time
for our final event.

"Transport your gold in a genuine
covered wagon to Pioneer Pete's"...

You know what? I'm tired.
Pull the wagons. Go.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Who's bad?

- We bad.
- That's right.

- We bad!
- We bad! We bad!

Okay, it's time
for Pioneer Pete to claim his gold!

I saw that, Donna.

Well, I'm sorry. I know you think
I'm a disappointment and stuff.

Hey. I'm proud of how we did.

Look, I know what it's like to have
your dad riding you all the time.

My old man was always on me
to go to engineering school,

and when I didn't, he was so
mad, we didn't talk for a year.

So, you're
the softy in your family?

See, my dad's vision
for my life was wrong.

Only I knew what was best,

not my dad. You
understand what I'm saying?

Wow. Are you admitting
that you're wrong,

that it's okay for me and
Donna to get married?

What?

No, no.

I'm saying that my dad
was wrong, and I was right,

just like I'm right now.

The point is, I'm always
right, so break it off!

Well, at least
you're still happy for us.

Please, Donna, I'm standing
right here. There's no need to yell!

You know what?
I don't care what my dad says,

I am more committed to
this marriage than ever.

Well, after seeing how you
handled that cow, so am I.

Okay, so you raise the ax,
and you bring it straight down.

- Okay? Raise. Bring down.
- That's easy.

Yeah. It's all about leverage.
You know, torque.

Okay. I don't know what either
of those is, but I'll give it a shot.

- Let's get out of here.
- Right behind you.