All language subtitles for Never.Say.Die.1939.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Good.

The bell!

Ugh! Tastes like
old chicken wire.

Yes, but you've
taken off 20 pounds.

Au revoir.

Oh! How is he
this morning?

Tolerably well. He says his
liver's acting up a bit, but, you know.

Ah, good morning. And
how is poor, dear Mr. Kidley?

His gall bladder spent
a rather peaceful night.

Ah, that's good. That's
good. Splendid. Splendid.

However, he complains of a
shooting pain in his sacroiliac.

Oh, good morning. Isn't he the
Kidley of Kidley's Corn Plasters?

Kidley's Beans, madam,
if you don't mind.

I ate some once.
Very tasty.

Thank you, madam.

Ah, Jeepers.
Good morning.

How is Mr. Kidley
this morning?

Up and down-îsh,
thank you, sir.

His liver was a bit squeamish
during the night. That's nice.

Did he invent
the Kidley Bean?

His grandfather
did, madam.

I understand Mr. Kidley
inherited quite a little money.

$20 million, madam. I
shouldn't call that "a little."

Please, please.
Yes!

Ladies, ladies,
please, please.

This is for Mr. Kidley.

Is that you, Jeepers?
Yes, sir.

Oh, Jeepers,
I'm a very sick man.

Very sick.

Will you take that?

Oh, it's terrible.

Normal, sir.
Oh, but it can't be!

Ninety-eight and six-tenths,
sir, right on the nose.

Oh, that thing's broken again.

If I may say so, sir,
it's all poppycock.

You're as healthy
as a fire horse.

Oh! Oh, is that so?

Well, why do you think I
came to Switzerland, to yodel?

And how about yesterday?

That dizzy spell when I fell
downstairs? You saw me yourself.

Anyone would fall
down the stairs, sir.

Eight aspirins
before breakfast.

Well, now, don't quibble.
If you had what I've got...

What have you got, sir?
Well, I...

Well, you wait till I see
Dr. Schmidt this afternoon.

He'll tell you what
I've got. Dr. Schmidt!

Yes. Dr. Schmidt is the
biggest stomach man in Europe.

Very well, sir.
Whatever he says goes.

You're not getting
a chill, sir?

No. I forgot
to shake the bottle.

Don't let me
forget that, Jeepers.

And here, give me
my bad gas water.

There. An ice bag and a
hot water bottle, right away.

Oh, not to bed
again, sir.

It's all sunshiny outside,
sir! The birds are singing!

Oh, shut the window!
I hate 'em!

And besides,
they're off-key.

Close 'em out.

Mr. Kidley staying
here? Yes, madam.

Rooms 201,
2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7.

Get out, Hannah.
This is it. Okey-dokey.

Oh, sir! Sir!

It's her, sir.
It's she!

She's here, sir.
Sir, she's here!

Jeepers, this is no time
for your romances.

Get the ice bag
and cool off. But sir!

Sir, she's here!

The one from
St. Moritz. The one with four names.

Marko? She's here?
That's it. Yes. Yes.

Mrs. Jones DeBaupre Ivansoff
Marko, sir. She's followed us.

Well, where is she?
I don't see her.

She's in this hotel, sir. In the
hotel? Oh, Jeepers, I'm cursed.

Every time a woman finds out
I've got $20 million and bad health

she falls in love
with me.

The butterflies were easy to brush
off, sir, but this one's a black widow.

Well, don't stand there.
Do something!

Tell her I died.
Anything!

I knew it was a mistake
to encourage her, sir.

I did not.
It was an accident.

Room 312 and 412. Anybody
can get off at the wrong floor.

Well, answer the
door. No, don't answer the door!

Lock it! Lock it!
Jeepers!

Don't stand...

John!

John!

Well, Mrs. Marko!

Well, what happy wind
blows you to Bad Gaswasser?

Never mind that. What happy
wind blew you out of St. Moritz?

Well, you see, I, uh... There
was a train, and then, uh,

there was a doctor, and he
told me that...

That ... Well, I mean...
Didn't I, Jeepers?

Oh, absolutely, Mrs.
Marko. Will you get out?

Yes, ma'am. No, not you.
I mean this, this Creepers.

Jeepers!

We'll get rid of him.
Oh, sure, we... Huh?

After we're married.
Oh, uh...

Yeah. Yeah. But I understood... I
mean, what about your husband?

Pierre? Oh, we won't
have to worry about Pierre.

Oh, we won't?
Well! Well...

John, it was fate.

Everything was settled that
wonderful night you danced with me.

I knew how you felt
when you held me close

and whispered, "You, you,
it's got to be you."

Yes, but that was a song,
Mrs. Marko.

Don't you remember?
I remember.

Darling, of course
it's going to be me. Oh.

And then you remember later,
when you... Oh, did I?

Well, that was the elevator.

You see, I just went,
and I got off. It'll happen.

John, do you know what first
attracted me to you?

Yeah, well, I guess you had 20
million reasons, eh, Mrs. Marko?

You're the only one in the
whole world who believes in me.

The others are always pointing accusing
fingers, just because of DeBaupre.

DeBaupre? Yes. He
was the one before Pierre.

Oh, he's the one they
said you shot. It's not true!

That's a wicked, slanderous
lie! Oh, I should say it is.

Just because you were there and
there were holes in him, Mrs. Marko,

is no reason
why people should...

I was acquitted. Just because I'm
impulsive and quick tempered, people talk.

Yes, and with you being
an Olympic pistol champion...

You too!
Oh, pardon me.

John, what you just said
is what the police said.

You don't dare to think
that ... Why, no, Mrs. Marko.

I think you're as innocent as a
child, a small child. Way down...

We're going to be
very happy together.

Don't you think so, John?
You're the type of woman I admire.

I'd marry you just like
that, if it weren't for...

If it weren't for what? Well, if it weren't
for your present husband, Mr. Marko.

Oh. I thought I told you.

Oh, poor Pierre!

Yes, poor Pierre. I...

"Poor Pierre"?
What happened to him?

He fell off
the Matterhorn.

Oh, that's too...
That's a mountain!

13,669 feet.

He was never found.

Did they look? Were
you there, Mrs. Marko?

Oh, I saw it all.
It was horrible.

Why, when it happened,
I wasn't a foot behind him.

Think of that.

I'll bet you could have reached right
out and touched him, eh, Mrs. Marko?

Easily.

Seven years.
Seven years.

That's how long we'll
have to wait, Mrs. Marko.

When a husband disappears,
you have to wait seven years.

Not in mountain climbing.
I'd be willing to bet.

Oh, you'd lose. I stopped
in Geneva to find out.

I had the same lawyers
as the League of Nations.

I'm entirely free.

Oh, well look, Mrs. Marko,
you wouldn't want to marry me.

I'm a hopeless invalid. I'm
liable to die, just like that.

You mistrust me! You act as
though you don't want to marry me.

Why, I've told everyone
I came here to...

Shh! Don't.

Oh, I must control myself.
I mustn't lose my temper.

No, no, don't do that!
No! Uh, oh.

You do intend to marry
me, don't you, John? Why...

Well, uh, I...

Let...

I'll get it.

You do,

don't you, John?

Oh, sure. No other thought ever
entered my mind, Mrs. Marko.

Then that's settled.

I'll go and change.
Yes.

And then we'll set the date.

Date.

Jeepers!

I gathered from what
I overheard, sir

that we're in a slight
miasma, sir.

Miasma is right.

I should advise
a firm stand.

I had a brother-in-law,
since deceased,

who sponged lions
for a living, sir.

He always said...
Oh, shut up, Jeepers!

Feel my pulse.
It's doing that again.

One, two, three. One,
two, three. One, two, three.

Waltzing?
Yes, sir.

I'd better drop down to the
chemist's, sir, and get your acidity test.

Oh, yes. I'll meet
you at Dr. Schmidt's.

Good.

And as for Mrs. Marko, I
should tell her to go fry an egg.

Yeah, and get shot down
like a clay pigeon.

"The coward dies a thousand
deaths, the hero dies but once."

Do hurry, Marjorie.

Oh, yes, but these
lovely little fish!

Doesn't it frighten
the fish?

Not at all, madam.
They grow to love it.

The acidity test for
Mr. Kidley, please. Of course.

What does it do? Just one
moment, madam, please.

Knoodle, Kneck, Kipper,
Kidley. Ah. Here we are.

Ah, now I remember
what I want. Corn plasters.

But the gentleman was...
Oh, but I was here first.

Excuse, please.
Now, these we recommend.

That will be
two samelkas, please.

Here you are.
And ten samelkas.

Two samelkas.
Thank you.

I've been waiting here
for the analysis for Kipper.

He's been a little bit off color
lately, haven't you, Kipper, little boy?

Oh, poor little
poochie-woochie.

Why, you
nasty little dog, you!

The name was
Kipper, wasn't it?

Yeah, Kipper. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Uh, Kidley,

Kornbostle,
Kreutzenheimer.

I was certain that was
here a moment ago.

Knoodle, Kneck,
Kidley, Kornbostle.

I can't understand it.

Breathe in,
breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Good. Very good.

Yeah, but, Doctor, I'm worried
about those three white spots.

I am not worried
about them. You're not?

No. They are the buttons
on your under trousers.

That is all.

Step out.

Here, Maria.

Mr. Kidley's acidity test.
Here I am, sir.

Ah. Here we are.

I have very much
expect this.

- But this is marvelous!
- What is it, Doc?

You've got 162 acidity,
three times normal!

Oh, well that's fine.
That's great. Or is it?

Is it? My friend, with your
acidity, you can digest bones.

You mean bones?
But I don't like bones.

You not only can,
but you will,

your bones
and everything else.

You will completely
digest yourself.

You mean I'm...

I'm gonna pass away?
Pass away?

You will disappear!

Thinner and thinner, smaller
and smaller, until finally...

Now I know what is
the matter with you.

You have got acidatus
canis, the acidity of a dog.

A dog? It is very, very
rare. Oh, very rare.

Not once in 700 years
does it turn up.

Acidity.
Acid mouth.

Acidity.
Ah! Here we are.

"The last case was
a Greek shepherd boy.

"His name was Peropilis."

Well, what happened to him?

Unfortunately, nobody knows.

"On the last day, he went
out with his sheep..."

Yes? "...and they
found only his footprints."

Yeah, well, look, Doc. I
mean, how long have I got?

Oh, 10, 20,
maybe 30 days.

Days? Oh!

But why should you care? In the
history of medicine, you will live forever.

You are the first
human dog.

What was that?

Ah. Erno.

Jeepers!

Doc! Doc! Never mind writing
me up. What I want to know is...

Look, Erno. The body
is still round and fat.

The face is still smooth.

But in the eyes already
show the ravages of, of...

We've got to give it
a name.

I'll call it
"Schmidt's Disease."

After you?
After me.

Down the centuries,
students will read of this.

Side by side we will
live through all eternity.

Schmidt and his disease.

We must send it
to the journal.

Oh, yes. All the newspapers.
The whole world.

Doc, look! Look, Doc.
It's started already.

I'm shrinking!
I...

That is my hat.

If I may say so, sir, I don't
think you put up much of a fight.

Jeepers,
you talk like a fool.

Have you ever seen Mrs.
Marko at target practice?

Why, she can shoot the
head off a pin at 100 yards.

But didn't you tell her, sir, that
you only had 30 days to live?

Yeah. That was
my fatal mistake.

Three minutes after I told her, she
had me signing on a lot of dotted lines.

I'll fix it with flowers,
and it will look beautiful.

All right. Now,
what about the time?

I can push you in and
your gentleman at 3:30.

Oh, couldn't you
make it at 4:00?

Marrying on the half hour has
been unlucky for me. No. Impossible!

At 4:00 I marry His Highness Prince
Smirnov to a young lady from Texas.

That's where
the cows come from.

Very well. Mr. Kidley
and I will be here at 3:30.

They say cremation's
awfully nice, sir.

Jeepers! Just trying
to be helpful, sir.

Well, stop it.
Have you got a cigar?

Yes, indeed, sir. Shall
I smoke it for you?

No, I'll smoke it myself.
What does it matter now?

That's the spirit, sir. As the
poet says, "Come fill the cup,

"for the bird's
on the wing."

That's good.

I'm just beginning to realize
what a swell old world this is

now that I've only
got 30 days.

Twenty-nine now, sir.

Jeepers, I've got to do
something about my money.

If I leave it to Mrs. Marko,
she'll use it to start a war.

I'm tellin' you,
you'll do like I say!

You'll marry Smirnov
if I have to hogtie you!

- No! I won't! No!
- Do exactly as I say!

Look out!

Well!
Well!

Well,
I don't blame her.

Whatever it is,
he's wrong.

Home, Jeepers.
Yes, sir.

Mighty proud to be his
wife, that's what you ought to be.

Mighty proud! Why, Smirnov's
folks goes back 40 generations.

Well, why don't he
go back with 'em?

"Don't do this.
Don't do that.

"Don't wear this.
Don't wear that."

Trying to make
a lady out of me!

Always licking my hand
like a Saint Bernard dog.

Oh, I hate him!

Now, we didn't traipse
all the way

from Eagle Heights, Texas,
to Bad Gaswasser

just so you could
back out now.

But, Pa,
I love Henry Munch!

Oh, Henny-Penny! They're
trying to pull us apart.

Oh, Henny,
coochie-woochie...

Aw, coochie-woochie-woochie!

Oh, Daddy, no, don't! Munch
is a no-account bus driver!

From Eagle Heights
to Silver Falls.

I don't care. I love
him just the same.

That Smirnov's nothing
but a dressed-up coyote.

Dressed or undressed,
you're marrying him at 4:00.

Well, Henry was good enough when
we were nothing but poor scrub farmers.

And ever since we struck oil
and got to wearin' shoes,

you've been getting
mighty nose-high, Pa.

You're goin'
back home a princess,

just like I told 'em.

By hooky, they'll let me into the
country club and everything then.

I'll show 'em! That bunch
always lookin' down on me.

If you could only
patch up a man

as easily as you can
a bicycle tire.

Imagine me laughing
in my condition.

You're going through with it,
and that's my final say!

I won't. I won't, I
won't, I won't, I won't!

I'll... I'll run away. I'll... I'll
do something desperate.

Hey!
Jeepers, that girl!

Mr. Kidley! No!

Help! Help! Oh! Wait! Careful!

Help!

Why, you...

Careful.

Oh, Miss, please!

I'll save you.
Take it easy.

Let me, sir!
Let me, please!

Oh, darn fool.

Get her! Save her! Get
her! Hey, wait a minute!

Wait. Are you all
right? Oh! Oh. Oh.

Oh, say! Oh, thanks.
You saved my life.

Well, why did you do it?
Why didn't you let me alone?

You can't
even swim.

Apart from his morning tub, miss,
he's never been in the water in his life.

Well, then,
why did you do it?

It was marvelous.
I mean, wonderful.

But why did you do it?

Well, you see, I... Any man
would have done the same.

I couldn't get the inner
tube off my neck, sir.

Look. Look, you.
You...

Don't you ever do
anything like that,

no matter what
your troubles are.

This world's a pretty nice
place to live in.

Think of the sunshine,
and the bees,

and the butterflies and the
breeze and the... And the...

What's that thing
about the cup?

"Come fill the cup.
The bird's on the wing."

Yeah, you see? The bird's
on the wing. What bird?

Well, uh... What bird, Jeepers?
Just a figure of speech, sir.

Come along, sir. We mustn't
precipitate your demise. Pneumonia!

Come on. You're liable to
catch your death of cold if you...

Oh, me.

I just wish
you knew my Henry.

He's so big,
and strong and cute.

Why, he'd do
anything for me.

You know,
when we were kids, he...

He ate a beetle, just
"cause I asked him to.

Sounds like a handy fella
to have around a garden.

Yeah, but that's
all over with now.

At 4:00 I've
got to marry Smirnov.

Yeah, but this is 1939.

You don't have to go around
jumping off bridges.

You don't know Pa.

But what are my troubles
compared to yours?

I mean, you being
a human dog and everything.

Yeah. Acidatus canis.

You know, while we're sitting here,
Mickey, you know what I'm doin'?

I'm digesting myself.

Bones and all.

I'm getting smaller
and smaller.

First a pygmy,
then a radiator ornament,

then a watch charm, and
finally...

Just a memory. I'm the last
of the vanishing Americans.

Oh, I feel so sorry
for you, Mr. Kidley.

Oh, thanks, Mickey.
Nobody else cares.

Why, even the hotel people
asked me to move.

Afraid I might give
the hotel a bad name.

Told me to go to some
other place and die.

Oh, I wouldn't
be afraid of them.

I'd do it right here in
this room, if I wanted to.

Oh, gee.
You're a nice girl, Mickey.

I like you.
And I like Henry too.

You do?
Jeepers.

Yes, sir?
Another glass.

Another glass, Jeepers. For you.

Oh, thank you, sir.
Let's drink to Henry.

Munch?
Munch.

Munch.

That couldn't be Pa,
could it?

The Kidley suite.

Who is it?
It's the Arko-may.

Holy mackerel!
I forgot all about her.

What does she want?

It's about your nuptials, sir.

She wants to know if
you're dressed. Tell her no.

Tell her anything. Tell her I'm
not dressed, not even my socks.

You see, Mrs. Marko,
Mr. Kidley is a little delayed.

No, not decayed,
madam, delayed.

And I want him
to be ready for the ceremony!

What'd she say?
What'd she say?

She says you'd better
be ready darn soon, sir,

and I didn't like
the way she said it.

Well, Jeepers, Jeepers, do
something. Think of something.

Yeah! What's the
matter? What's the matter?

She... Mrs. Marko,
she shoots her husbands.

She pushes them
off mountains,

and I've got
to marry her at 3:30.

But you don't have
to marry her, do you?

I don't, huh? She's the
Olympic pistol champion.

I can't get out of this
any more than you can.

I mean, we're
in the same fix.

Oh, why didn't you
let me stay in the water?

I was just beginning
to do all right.

All she wants is my
money. She's my Smirnov.

Hey, wait a minute.
There's an out.

There's an out
for both of us.

You mean we should hold hands
and jump back into the... No! Now listen.

Now listen carefully, Mickey. We
only have a few minutes. Yeah?

How would you
like to marry me?

How would I...
What?

You've had too much
of that spider juice, sir.

No, I haven't.
But I can't marry you.

Yes, you can.
Here, put this on.

It throws everybody
for a loss.

It puts the prince
behind the eight ball,

and the pistol champion
in the side pocket.

Yeah, but what
about Henry?

Well, that's it.

I can die in peace, and as soon
as I'm gone you can marry Henry,

and I'll leave him
barrels of money.

He can buy
a thousand buses.

Yeah, that's...
Oh, but I don't love you.

I mean, I don't even know
you, well, good, you know.

I don't love you either.
That makes it perfect.

But why should you
do all this for me?

Well, in the first place, I've
never done anything for anybody.

In the second place,
it helps me too.

And in the third place...
Oh, well, I don't know.

But, you can't... No, no buts.
You leave everything to me.

All right, I will. And I'll
leave everything to you.

Highness.

Ah, gentlemen!

Your Highness, I wouldn't have
missed your wedding for the world.

Gentlemen,
you all know Kretsky.

There he stands, an
eloquent picture of his mission.

The bulge in his right
pocket, my unpaid notes.

In his left pocket,
my bad checks.

The hollow in the
middle is Kretsky.

Your Highness
has saved me words.

Unless the bulge
in my left pocket

is made good immediately
after the ceremony

Your Highness will
have the opportunity

of entertaining the police
with his priceless humor.

Kretsky, I intensely dislike
you and your bloodhound

continually sniffing
at my heels.

We are sniffing for 200,000
samelkas in bad checks.

Kretsky, I have told you,
you will be paid

when I get my dowry,
after the wedding.

Oh, pardon me, Your
Highness. I'm terribly sorry.

I nearly
ran over you.

Pardon me!
Your Highness, sir.

I will forgive you if you
make me a good wedding.

Excuse me,
sir. Are you the mayor?

Uh, what is it? Could I speak
to you for a moment, sir?

Just one moment. Oh, will you
pardon me. Your Highness, pardon me.

What is it? There's a
certain young party, sir.

She wants to get
married. Well, uh...

A scullery maid, sir, and the
butler in the same house, sir.

No, I can't do it. I'm afraid they'll
elope unless we do something, sir.

You know, what with springtime
and everything, Your Honor.

We'd hate to lose them.

I have one waiting already at
3:30 and another one at 4:00.

But it would only take a moment if
Your Honor would just hit the high spots.

No, no, no. I can't
do it. I can't do it.

Oh. Mm, yes.
If you can make it quick.

Bring 'em in the courtroom,
but sneak 'em in the back way.

If Your Highness will
pardon me one second.

Something very
urgent came up.

Excuse me, please, sir.
I beg your pardon.

A little kitchen romance. It
should be amusing. Let us watch.

Your hat off, please.

Right away I marry you
in the courtroom.

What?

Here? No, no.
Not in here.

Here is for
the certificate only.

The marriage is in
the courtroom always.

Can you write?

Ja, ja. Oui, oui. Oui, oui.

Si, señor.

All right, then.

Then write here your
names, please, right here.

Uh, well, all right.

Come on here. This way. The prince's
guests are waiting. Hurry up, hurry up.

Do you take this man for
your lawful, wedded husband...

to live with him in sickness
and in health...

Do you promise
to love one another

and cherish each other
as long as you may live?

Say yes!
I do.

Now you. Don't let
the people wait.

Do you take this woman
for your lawful, wedded wife...

He won't be late,
will he?

I beg pardon, ma'am?
He won't be late, will he?

Oh, no, ma'am. In a manner
of speaking, he's already here.

You may now join hands.

Hold hands!
Don't we kneel?

If you want
to kneel, kneel.

As evidence of these
promises that you have made...

Oh, we can skip that.

Uh, by virtue of the power
invested in me...

And by virtue of the solemn
promises you have made to one another

I hereby pronounce you
to be man and wife.

You can rise now.
It's all over.

The bride...
Let us kiss the bride.

Hey, wait! Come on.
We'll catch them outside.

Come on! The prince
is gonna kiss the bride.

Come on!

Come, madam, you must
pay the penalty. Uh-uh!

- Max, help me, please.
- Oop-la!

Mickey!
Mickey!

Let her alone!

So.

Your Highness!

Are you all right? That
car! I'll hold them off, sir!

John! John!

Goodbye! I'll send
you a postcard!

Your Highness!
Wait for me!

Take me with you!
Take me with you!

All right. Come on! Me
too! She's my daughter!

Yoo-hoo! Mickey!

Where are you?
Who is it?

It's me.
Henry!

Well, what in the name of
all get out are you doing here?

Well, I came over
on a cattle boat.

I didn't get much sleep, though,
on account of all the mooin'.

Oh, Henry!

Well, you ought to see
the papers back home.

They're just full of that stuff about
you and that Prince "Smirkoff" fella.

Oh, Henry!

Well, nobody around here talks
Texas, and I had an awful time findin' ya.

But did I get here in time?
Yes. Yes, Henry.

I didn't marry Smirnov.
Well, thank my lucky stars.

I married Mr. Kidley. Huh?
Who? Mr. Ki... Who's he?

The bean man... I just
met him. Oh, shucks!

Well, what'd ya
marry him for?

Well, because
I love you, Henry.

Well, I may be just a country
boy, but I can't figure that one out.

Yeah, yeah!

I'll be right out.
I'll be right out.

I gotta go, Henry. You
gotta go? Where you goin'?

On my honeymoon.
Your honeymoon?

Yeah. I can't
explain now. Here.

We're goin' away some place,
and then Mr. Kidley's gonna die.

Well, what kind
of talkin' is that?

Oh! Goodbye, Henry.
Good-bye?

Goodbye, Henry. I didn't come
over here just to say goodbye!

Okay, let's go. Hey, wait
a minute! Wait a minute.

Who's that?
Oh, it's Henry.

Isn't it wonderful? He's
coming on our honeymoon.

Oh. Huh? Oh, Henry, this
is my husband, Mr. Kidley.

Oh, how do you do, Henry?
Right now I ain't doin' so good.

Yes. Will you please
come around this way?

And sign
on this line.

"Mr. And Mrs. John Kidley."

And for your servant,
we have something in the rear.

I ain't his servant.

Oh, isn't that funny? He
thought Henry was your servant.

No, this is Mr. Henry Munch.
The man Mrs. Kidley's gonna marry.

Oh, Mr. Munch, Mr. Ingleborg
personally welcomes...

Marry? What is?

Mr. Munch is
Mrs. Kidley's fiance.

Oh, Papa!

Yes. Quiet, Mama.
That is not our business.

Julius, bring
upstairs the bags.

Come on, honey.

I'll thank you not to call
her honey, you understand?

Why, Henry!

Oh, isn't that sweet,
Mr. Kidley? Henry's jealous!

Cuckoo, darling.
There's something funny up.

Ah, Mama, those
Americans are always joking.

Oh, Henry, that moon.

Look at the moon.

Yeah, it's big.

And those mountains.
Yeah. Kinda high.

No, Henry,
it's more than that.

It...
Well, look at 'em.

Well, we got
a mountain in Texas.

But Henry!

This place...

This night...

The smell of lilac.

And you sit there
whittlin' on a hunk of wood.

Well, what should I be
whittlin' on?

Well, gee, Henry, this is the first
time we've ever been alone together...

I mean, away from Pa.

Put your arm
around me, Henry.

Please.

Now kiss me.

Henry, that's no way
to do it!

I mean, kiss me as if you
liked it... As if you meant it.

Oh, I can't do it. My
heart ain't in it. Why not?

Well, I can't get it
outta my mind that I'm...

Well, that I'm kissin'
somebody else's wife.

Makes me feel like
one of them playboys.

Hey, Henry, can you
still imitate a horse?

Oh, I guess I could
if I tried.

Go on, do it. Go on.
Oh, no. That's kid stuff.

Aw, go on, Henry.
Just one little horse, please.

Well, all right. Just
once. Yeah, yeah.

I love it.
Come on. Do it again, Henry.

Look, Mama. The moon out and
everything, and he makes like a horse.

Oh, Mickey?

Oh, pardon me. I didn't
mean to...

I just came out. I thought it was
just about time for me to kick off.

What? I mean,
turn in. Go to bed.

Good night, Mickey.

Good night, Henry.
Good night!

Oh, Mr. Kidley, wait a
minute. I'm coming right in.

Good night, Henry. And
I'll see you in the morning.

Good night. You'll
see me in the morn...

Hey, you!

... I'll tuck you in, huh?
Oh, thank you.

Oh, that's all right.

I want you to feel nice and
comfortable. Very, sweet.

It's full of feathers.
Oh, yeah?

Hey!

Oh, Henry, doesn't Mr. Kidley
look cute in his pajamas?

Well, yeah, but...
He looks so cute.

Mr. Kidley,
we gotta have a talk.

All right, Henry. We'll talk in
the morning. I've had a hard day.

Well, in the morning
won't do, Mr. Kidley.

Well, what is it? What
is it? Well, I ain't happy.

Why, Henry, just a minute
ago you were swell...

When you were acting
like a horse.

Well, I ain't the
beating-around-the-bush kind of a guy.

If I got anything on
my mind, I spit it out.

Now, Henry,
don't be that way.

Mr. Kidley hasn't long
to be with us.

He hasn't long to be with us.

And it's our duty to see
that he's happy and...

Happy? Well, what difference does it
make to you whether he's happy or not?

Well, after all,
Henry, I am Mrs. Kidley.

And I always say that a wife's
place is in the home. Listen!

Oh, Henry, you don't have
to worry about me.

Why, one of these mornings
you'll wake up and...

Pfft. I'll be gone.

Mr. Kidley, I been watchin'
you mighty close here of late...

And all I got to say is that you
ain't been livin' up to your promise.

You ain't gettin'
any smaller.

Uh, who's there?

Oh, come in.

Good morning!
Good morning!

Well, Mama Ingleborg has
fixed the breakfast herself.

Oh, that's fine.
Hey, breakfast!

Yes, a very
special breakfast...

for our two little
dummelflumphes.

Well, that's very nice
of Mama, Mr. Ingleborg.

Yes, it sure is!

What sticks in my craw is,
everything he says is so wonderful...

But everything I say it's, "Oh,
Henry, oh, Henry, oh, Henry."

Oh! Now, Henry, don't talk
that way about Mr. Kidley.

Oh, shucks.

Look! He's getting that flower
just for me. Risking his life.

I got it!

Careful! Careful!

Oh, that ain't nothin'.

I'd take a chance at breakin' my neck,
too, if I knew I was gonna die anyway.

Gee, thanks.

Well, there it is.
Oh, thanks, Mr. Kidley.

For you. In the words of the
poet, "You are like a flower."

Oh, Mr. Kidley,
that's so sweet.

That's just like in
the movies. Yeah.

Well, it was original
with me at the moment.

Let me help you, Mr. Kidley.
You must be a little tired.

Let's sit down and rest
a minute, huh? Yeah.

I guess I'll run along to the hotel.
You and Henry want to be alone.

What for? The minute you do,
he'll just start whittling.

Oh, that's fine talk.

A fella can whittle and
still be in love, I guess.

He don't have to go around
shouting that poetry muck all day.

Oh, Henry, that's where you're wrong.
Women are romantic, sentimental.

It's up to us men to humor
'em... Say pretty things.

Oh, I suppose you could
give me a lesson.

Oh, I bet you'd
be good at it too.

Well, I have kind of
been around.

Frankly, Henry, I think you
could use a few lessons.

For instance?
Well, for a starter...

Supposing you were going to
take a girl in your arms. Uh-huh.

Now you hold her
tenderly... Gently.

Yeah, Henry, you handle
me as if I was a bus.

Oh, bosh!
Now, watch, Henry.

Now, supposing I'm you. You hold
her like this, and then you kiss her.

You see, Henry?

- Uh-uh. No.
- No?

No? Well, show him
again, Mr. Kidley. All right.

Wait a minute. Here.
Thank you.

Oh, pardon me.

There. Now you do it,
Henry. I'll sit here and watch.

No, sir. I don't have to kiss my girl
in front of a whole crowd of people.

Well, it's only
Mr. Kidley, Henry. No.

Aw, come on. Please?
Oh, well, all right.

Uh-uh. Well, I
can't get started.

Maybe you haven't
turned on your ignition. Oh!

There!
No, that's not it, Henry.

Would you show him again,
please, Mr. Kidley? Oh, of course.

Anything at all. Here.
Hold that. Just a moment.

Any time you get the
idea, Henry, just cut in.

Well, I don't see that he's
doin' anything that I didn't do.

Well, it's just something or
other that I can't explain, Henry.

When he does it, it's like a
bunch of trained wildcats...

But when you do it,
it's more like wild mice.

Yeah. Oh, well, I
watched him close...

And I did everything
that he did...

And I'll bet you if you had your
eyes closed you couldn't tell us apart.

All right, Henry.
I'll prove it to you.

Somebody give me a
hankie. You got a hankie?

Oh, yes,
I have one here.

Hey, no! Her, her, her!

Oh, pardon me.
Pardon me.

All right, now I'll
tie this tight.

Now you come around in
front, Mr. Kidley. All right.

And the both of you
step back now.

And then you sneak up
one at a time and kiss me...

And I'll tell you
just who it is.

All right, step back.
Go on, go on.

Well, don't go away.

Okay. Now, I'll count
up to 10...

And then one of you
come up and kiss me.

All right.
One, two, three...

Four...

Five...

Six, seven, eight...

Nine, ten.

You ready?
Well, come on.

That's Henry.

That's Mr. Kidley.

Ready again.

That's Henry.

That's Mr. Kidley.

That's Henry, still handling me
like I was a bus.

Why, Henry, how dare you
take your shirt off.

I'm surprised, I...

Mr. Kidley! Henry!

Yes, sir. I can leave
immediately, sir.

Just a minute, sir.
I'll write it down.

"Ingleborg Haus...

"Ingleborg."

I've got it, sir.

Forgive the liberty,
sir, but, uh...

How is everything?

No?

Well, don't forget, sir, the
bird on the wing and all that.

No, sir,
no one but Dr. Schmidt.

He's been bothering me
quite a bit.

Oh, he wants to know ff,
when it happens...

He can have your stomach.

Wants to put it
in a bottle or something.

Yes, I told him I'd have
to ask you first, sir.

Don't worry, sir.
I'll travel incognito.

Oh, Mrs. Marko found her car,
sir, just where you abandoned it.

Oh, no, sir. Not a soul
knows of your whereabouts.

But I've got it...
"Ingleborg Haus."

At last I have got it!

Ingleborg Haus.
Where's that?

Ingleborg!

Thank you, dear.
Come on, let's go. Hurry!

Hey, don't you think
it's about time we ought to go to bed?

Hey! Hey!

Now, Mickey...

Now, Mick...

Oi!

Now, see here. I...

Stop it, now.
Stop it.

Yahoo! Yippee!

Just stop it!

Stop it! Stop it.

Oh. Excuse, please.

Mr. Kidley, what do you mean by traipsing
around with my girl past 1:00 in the morning?

Oh, we never had such a time,
Henry. We went to a cheese festival.

Yeah, we had wine
and cheese. And singing.

Cheese festival? Well,
that ain't cheese, Mr. Kidley.

Oh. Oh, that.
You see, we stopped...

Oh, yeah, Henry.
We stopped and just now...

When I was singin' the song
I gave him a little, uh...

I... Well, you were right
there. I mean, I... I...

Now, Mickey, hush.
I've heard enough.

Now, you run right along
upstairs to bed.

Mickey. Mickey.
But I...

But ... Henry, you can't order
your wife around like that.

Oh, I can't, huh? Well, she
ain't my wife, she's your wife.

Y... Oh, yeah!

Say, thanks for reminding
me. Mickey, go to bed.

Oh. Mickey...

Good night, boys.

Good night.
Good night, Mickey.

Well, I guess that's all, men. Here
you are. Thanks. It was a lot of fun.

- We'll get Mrs. Kidley and do it again
sometime. - Okay.

Oh, no, you won't. Now that
she's gone I wanna tell you...

You're mighty fortunate I just
don't tear you to pieces. Why, Henry.

And with my bare hands.

Excuse, please, she
must close. Well, close it.

Hey, you. Now, wait a minute.
I was just going...

You're just going
to listen to me.

As long as we're in Ingleborg,
you're not gettin' out of my sight again.

No, sir. Not for two
seconds.

Hey, where do you
think you're goin'? Oh, I...

Drink. I was
gonna get some water. I was...

Well, you've been up for water
every two minutes.

Well, I'll tell you truth.
I wanna see Mickey.

I've got somethin' to tell her. A
man can talk to his own wife, can't he?

No!

Henry, I know what's
the matter with you.

You don't trust me. That's
what's the matter with you.

You're darn tootin' I don't.

Now, I don't want any trouble
with you. You get back here in bed.

You and your
old whittlin's.

I'd rather sleep
with a cracker eater.

It's not comfortable.

Oh, now, wait a minute.
Just a second.

I have a little something
to say about this. I...

What are you doin'?

There. That'll fix that.

Oh, Henry,
this is so unjust.

Not so tight. Leave
a little blood in there.

There. My circulation is
practically at a standstill now.

Now hush.

Ohm

Good night.
Good night.

I'm gonna put my foot
on top of yours...

And don't you move once
the rest of the night.

Hello. Hey, Julius.

Would you like to make
five bucks? 50 samelkas?

Well, what do I have
to do for... Shh, shh!

Take off your shoe.
I wanna use your foot.

My feet?
Shh. Foot. Come on.

Honey?
You're not asleep, are ya?

Honey?

I've gotta talk to ya.

Maybe I've got no right,
but after tonight, well,

no matter who gets hurt, we've
gotta face it. We belong to each other.

Honey, please talk to me.

You see, Mickey, I...

Gee, you look tired.
I guess...

Listen, Mama...

Mr. Kidley!
Please!

Well I...
I was... And...

I was...

Yeah.
Wrong room, I guess.

You!

Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

Now, you all got to stop
pickin' on Mr. Kidley.

It's like he's been tryin' to tell ya,
he's sittin' here digestin' himself.

And if you don't stop screamin' at
him, it's liable to happen right here.

And then you'll be
sorry. I don't care!

I don't care if he's
digesting his entire family!

I am insulted! I am the
one that is being squeezed.

Right under my nose,
on my own wedding day,

she marries this gentleman
in the red pajamas.

Then when he goes...

She marries this gentleman
in the striped pajamas.

And where am I? I am standing
around with egg on my face!

And if he has egg on his face,
somebody's tossed a whole omelet on mine.

I don't like it.

Oh, but Mr. Kidley
doesn't love you.

Why, look what he did. Rather
than marry you, he married me.

Yeah, that's the part of this
whole thing that burns me up.

Mr. Kidley, what I wanna know is what're you
gonna do about this mess you got us into?

Yeah! Well, it's
all very simple.

You're all taken care of
in my will. Well, how so?

Henry, I'm not gonna waste a lot of
time telling you how much I admire you,

because I don't.

But I'm gonna leave you enough money to
choke a horse, and I hope it does choke ya.

Mr. Kidley, I resent that!

We are now back at the
front from where we started.

I'm still with egg
over my face.

I know. I'm wiping that
off in paragraph three.

I know marriage with you is a business
proposition, and I've ruined your business.

So I'm prepared to marry you.
I mean, pay you off in full.

Mr. Kidley, Prince Alexis Cassandro
Michael Smirnov thanks you.

I do not wish to talk like a peasant,
but there is something that I must know.

Tell me, how soon do you expect
to go...

Poor Mr. Kidley has only 18 days
left. Haven't you, poor Mr. Kidley?

Yes, any time now. It's... Good.

- What do you mean, "Good"?
- Oh, John dear.

There's a little thing known
as breach of promise.

You won't mind if I send my
lawyers to see you, will you dear?

That won't be necessary. I've
taken care of that in paragraph six.

You go out and buy yourself a
nice solid-gold shooting gallery.

Oh, John!
I'm sentimentally touched.

I'll see that they put flowers on you
every Father's Day. Yes, I...

She probably gets 'em
wholesale. What I want to know is...

Oh, shut up, Henry.
Mr. Kidley, I guess

this just about takes
care of everything.

Yes. Now, folks, let's
get out of here and leave

the two honeymooners
alone.

Come on, Henry. Well, I'm
one of the honeymooners!

Oh, shut up and get outta
here! All of my clothes are...

Mr. Kidley. You have
promised me to die.

I am warning you that I will be
around personally to see that you do it.

Henry.

I may call you
Henry, mayn't I?

Yes, ma'am, and I'll
call you Mrs. Marko.

Well, Henry,
when Mr. Kidley...

I mean, when it happens, you'll come
into quite a tidy sum, won't you, Henry?

Mmm, yes, ma'am,
I guess I will.

Dear Henry, I want you and
Mrs. Kidley to be very happy.

And if things don't work out, it
may make it easier for you to know

that there'll always be
someone waiting for you.

There will?

Oh. You're a very
attractive man, Henry.

I mustn't say any more
than that right now.

Well, you're kind of pretty
yourself, Mrs. Marko.

That's sweet of you.

Henry, if you don't mind my
suggesting it, I could have my lawyers,

they're very good,
go over Mr. Kidley's will.

I'm just watching out
for your interests.

Well, doggone it, ma'am,
and me just meetin' ya.

That sure is kind.

Mighty kind.

Good
morning, ma'am. Good morning, sir.

Good morning,
Jeepers.

Your mail, sir, from Bad Gaswasser.
Just throw it away, Jeepers.

Oh, but, sir, there may
be something important.

Nothing is important,
Jeepers, but living.

That's the spirit, sir. I noticed a
change in you the moment I arrived.

Yes, you can thank Mickey
for that. Thank you, Mickey.

Uh, Mrs. Kidley.
Okay, Jeepers.

Yes, sir, if I may say so, you're
bubbling over, sir. Just bubbling over.

That's the coffee, Jeepers. Oh.

Uh, Jeepers, will you order
some more heavy cream?

Very good, sir.

Mr. Kidley, isn't there somethin' that
you get a great big kick out of doin'?

I mean, there's not much time
before you D-I-E.

And I just want you to remember
these last few days as long as you live.

Well, there's one...
Let's see...

Do you mind if I write on
this? It's from that druggist.

What druggist? You
know, in Bad Gaswasser.

He probably wants to sell
me something. "Kipper, a dog."

Yeah, yeah. He wants to
sell you a dog.

Say, that's a pretty
hairdo. Thank you.

Well, we're going to figure out right
now what to do with your last 18 days.

Uh... Have you ever seen
the Sphinx? No. Is it good?

Well, we're gonna
see it. We? Henry too?

No, we don't want him around our
Sphinx. He'll only start whittlin' on it.

Sphinx. One day.

What's he
so sorry about?

What's who what? This
druggist. He sure is sorry.

"Had your acidity test
mixed with a dog's, Kipper."

Say, I know where we
could spend about six days.

There must be a bicycle race
around here somewhere.

Mr. Kidley, listen.

Listen. "Kipper, whose name
sounds not unlike your own."

Mr. Kidley, Kipper's
a dog, and you're not.

What?
Well, I mean, it...

It says so right here.

You got all
mixed up with Kipper. Kippers?

No,
listen, listen.

"I am happy to report that both
you and the dog are entirely normal."

Normal.

Oh. Well, you're
both all right!

Oh, well, sure. I wouldn't
want to buy a dog...

"I am happy to report that both
you and the dog are entirely normal."

"You're both all right." It's
wonderful! You're not going to die.

You're gonna live! Hooray!
It's wonderful! It's great! That's...

Or is it?
Why, of course it is.

I know, but that gang... I
promised them I was gonna kick off.

They're gonna be
sore about this.

Tell 'em you were
only foolin'.

What, fooling with an Olympic
pistol champion and a duelist?

Say, if I don't die on time something
serious is liable to happen to me.

Here. Nobody will know anything
happened, what it's all about.

We won't tell
anybody a thing.

Oh, Mr. Kidley, we... Now
we're really married. Uh-huh.

I mean, just like
Ma and Pa,

and Mrs. Marko and,
well, everybody.

Oh, yeah!
Yeah... Oh.

Oh, what about Henry?
Oh, yeah, Henry.

Well... Well, don't worry about
him. I'll... I'll take care of him.

Mr. Kidley.
Hello, Henry.

Could I speak to you for a moment,
please? Sure. What's on your mind?

Well, it's about Mickey and
me too. I ain't happy again.

Why, what seems to be
the trouble, Henry?

Well, I know you don't like
me and I can't blame you for it.

But I like you.
Henry, I like you!

Let me finish, Mr. Kidley. Here
you are doin' everything for me, and,

well, I want you to know that you're
one of the finest men I ever met up with.

Well, Henry, I'm...

I mean, I'm not really
like you say at all.

Why, Henry, If you only knew
me. I'd double-cross my own...

Oh now, Mr. Kidley, I won't let
you say a word again' yourself.

I guess I know a man
when I see one.

I know I'm nothing but
a poor bus driver and,

well, you could cut me out with
Mickey just like that if you wanted to.

Well, I don't know, Henry.

Things are different now.

I mean, I just
found out that...

Shucks, Mr. Kidley. You've done
everything to make me and Mickey happy,

and, well, I guess you know
how I feel about her.

I guess you know
how I feel about you too.

And well, that's all.
I just had to let it out.

Except, I'd like to shake your
hand and tell you how sorry I am

for bein' such a fool
suspicionin' you.

Well, don't worry about
a thing, Henry. You're okay.

Thanks, Mr. Kidley.

Here, boy. I want you to
take this to Mr. Henry Munch.

Do you know him?
Yes, ma'am.

All right. Here is something
for you. Thank you.

Hello, Mickey. Oh, Mr. Kidley.
I was just going to find you.

Uh, look, Mickey...
I just sent...

I've been thinking
this whole thing over.

I mean, now that I'm
gonna live and everything, I...

It kinda changes the whole setup.
It kinda puts a different angle on it.

I don't know
what you mean, Mr. Kidley.

Well, after all, we hardly knew each other,
and this whole thing was a put-up job.

You know, marriage is a serious
sort of thing, if you think of it...

You mean you... You don't want
to be married to me, Mr. Kidley?

Well, it was a lot of fun
and everything, Mickey,

but for it to be for
the rest of our lives, I...

You mean you don't love me?

Well, frankly, Mickey,
I guess I don't.

Naturally, I'll give you
the divorce.

You won't have any trouble.

And after everything's set,
you must go back to Henry.

Well, it...

It was nice being married
to you, Mr. Kidley,

even if we weren't, really.

Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

It's kind of
a surprise. I...

I mean, I thought
it was gonna...

Well, I guess that's the way
things are with things, huh?

Oh, sure. Things have a way of
always turning out right, Mickey.

Yeah.

Well...
I'll be seeing you.

I...

Kretsky,
I have been double-crossed.

This dog man,
he is without honor.

He will be walking the
streets alive, breathing the air,

listening to the birds, going
to the opera, the movies.

While I... What will I
be doing all that time?

Well, unless you do
something, starting tomorrow,

Your Highness will be
rotting in jail.

But what is there
to do?

What is there to do?

My friend,
there is only one thing.

Kretsky, you are even a
bigger stinker than I think.

Yeah.

Yes, well that
is all very fine.

But what good is it for me to make
him go...

...if to me they are going...

Your Highness,
you amaze me.

It's all very simple. You make
it look like an affair of honor.

It will not be
your first duel.

Kretsky.

Kidley,
he is in the bag.

Crepe Suzette?
Yeah, I guess so.

Merci.

Oh, Mickey.

Oh, you're going.
I mean, those are your bags?

Yes. They're my bags.

Well, goodbye,
Mr. Kidley.

Well, you're really going.
Well, goodbye.

I'll be thinking
a lot about you.

I'll be thinking about
you too, Mr. Kidley.

Mr. Kidley.

You have tricked us. Oh,
this. Well, you see, Smirnov,

I didn't know, myself.
This is all...

That's right. Until yesterday,
he thought he was a dog.

Really?
This is wasting time.

Yes. Mr. Kidley,
I do not like your face.

Yeah, well, if you had a
face, I wouldn't like it either.

That is an insult, yes? Yes.

All right. Mr. Kidley,
I challenge you...

Hold on, now, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

I apologize. And I also apologize for
that poke I gave you after the wedding.

What are you apologizing
for? Don't take that from him.

He's trying to pick a fight with me.
He wants to shoot me full of holes.

Oh! Well, well, don't
get mad at him. Smile.

Something physical. Ah.

Mr. Kidley, if I should
take this pigeonette

and push it in your face,
what will you do?

Why, I'd get so mad, I'd
probably... How mad, Mr. Kidley?

Uh, well, sorta mad.
Not very!

No, I'd be more hurt
than anything else.

I'd probably go away and never
speak to you again.

Why, you...

There.
How do you like that?

Not bad. I like it.

Yeah, that's very cute.
Do it to me, Mr. Smirnov.

Are they wearing this type
this year? Ah... I...

Why, you, I oughta push
in your... Push in my what?

Oh, you can't make him mad,
Mr. Smirnov no matter what you do.

See?

Very good natured.

See? Nothing bothers him.

Does it?

All right, Mickey.
I think we sold him.

Okay.
All right.

This time I think up
something for myself.

Your dessert, monsieur.
Crepe Suzette.

Mrs. Kidley,
I do not like your shoes.

I do not like
your dress.

And I do not like
your hat.

Oh! My new hat! How do
you like that, Mr. Kidley?

Why you, I...
Let it go!

Let it go? Just a minute!

This
gentleman here!

Now perhaps, uh?

Your Highness,
you're a cutie.

Everybody
is a witness! I have been insulted!

Oh, no! You haven't been insulted
yet. You have to be good natured too.

Coffee,

cream,

and asparagus
and peas.

Now you have been
insulted.

Oh, Mr. Kidley, you did it for me!
That proves it. You do love me.

Sure I do, Mickey.
But what's the difference now?

Now, listen, Smirnov.

We didn't mean it,
Mr. Smirnov.

We didn't mean to throw
all those things on you.

Mr. Kidley, my seconds
will call on you.

We meet at dawn
at the three dead oaks.

I'm sure I'll never find the
place. We will take you there.

Did he say "dead oaks"?

Dead oaks.

Mr. Kidley.
Yes?

Please to stand up at that
end of the field. That end?

His Highness does not like to
shoot with the sun in his eyes.

Oh, that's all right.

How do you like that?
That guy Smirnov kills me.

You said it.

He's supposed
to be my second.

He's supposed to be on
my side, isn't he? Pistols.

Oh, those are the... This way, sir.

He will be ready soon.
Don't hurry him.

Very good.

Reload, please. Only this time
with a little more...

Come.

What are you doin' now?
I'm reloading the pistols.

With real bullets? Yes,
madam. The kind that spread.

I--.

Hey.

Jeepers, stop shaking. I don't
know why you worry about this.

I'm in great condition.
You know that.

This kind of a thing
wouldn't bother me a second.

I just... Jeepers, I...

Ivan, massage
the arm there.

No, no. Massage
the trigger finger.

All right.

Mr. Kidley! Oh,
John! John, wait!

Hey, Jeepers! Juno. Oh, John!

Oh, John, dear.
These are from us.

Me too, Mr. Kidley. Ain't it
wonderful? We're gonna be married.

She swept me
right off my feet.

I can't believe it
myself, John.

He's whittled his way
right into my heart.

Yeah, we found the bonds
you left me, Mr. Kidley.

Oh, no. This time
it's really love, John.

Goodbye, John.

Goodbye.
Goodbye?

You got everything
all fixed now? Yes.

All you got to do
is tell him this,

there's a cross on the muzzle
of the pistol with the bullet,

and a nick on the handle
of the pistol with the blank.

Oh, I see. Oh, yeah.
That's great.

Gimme that again.

There's a cross on the muzzle
of the pistol with the bullet,

and a nick on the handle
of the pistol with the blank.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

There's a cross
on the muzzle...

It is a question of honor.
I will call you.

...and a cross...
No, a nick on a bullet.

Uh-uh. On the handle.
And...

There's a cross on the muzzle
of the pistol with the bullet,

and a nick on the
handle of the...

- Courage, sir.
- Mr. Kidley!

Yes?

You're not gonna
die! I'm not gonna die?

You're not gonna be shot. Oh,
that's fine! Let's get outta here!

No, wait a minute. Jeepers,
you stand right over here.

And don't let them see us. Stay
right there. Promise me. No, miss.

I fixed it, see.
You have?

When you pick out the
gun, remember this. Yeah?

Remember, there's a cross on the
muzzle of the pistol with the bullet...

Yeah? ...and a
mick on the nandle...

I mean, a nick on the handle
of the pistol with the blank.

Oh, Mickey. Give
that again, quick. Yeah.

There's a muzzle on the cross of... I mean,
a cross on the muzzle of the... On the...

Mickey, this is
my life. I'll save it.

There's a...
Don't get excited now.

Kretsky.

Kretsky, we cannot lose. Huh?

One of the pistols has
no bullet in it. What?

It is marvelous!

But how do you know
which one? It's very simple.

There is a cross on the muzzle
of the pistol with the bullet,

and a nick on the handle of the
pistol with the blank.

Brilliant, Your Highness.
Superb. What an idea.

A nick on the muzzle
of the pistol with the...

No, no, no. I said, there
is a nick on the handle.

Your Highness distinctly
said, a cross on the handle.

No, no. I said, there is a nick on
the bullet on the handle... You see?

Attention.

The principals will now
proceed to the center of the field.

Mr. Kidley, please!
They're ready for you, sir.

All right.
All right.

I've got it. And a mistol on the
nozzle of the pistol with the blank.

There is a cross on the handle
of the muzzle with the bullet.

No. There is a cross on the
handle of the nickel... Nizzle?

No, no, no! And a nick on the
pullet of the whistle with the blank.

Yeah, all right. Stand
away. I think I've got it.. Yeah.

There's a noss on the crizzle
of the mistol with the pillet,

and a pullet on the nozzle
of the nickel with the blank.

There's a cross on the puzzle of
the mistol with the bullet. There's a...

Gentlemen,
select your weapons.

There is a nickel in the
cuzzle... Huddle on the...

...handle of the bullet
with the pretzel.

Here, here, gentlemen.
Come, come.

There's a cuzzle on
the muzzle of the bullet with the blanket,

and a whistle on the panel
of the noodle with the cross.

Shut up!
You shut up!

Now, really, gentlemen.
This is no time for incantations.

Cross!

No!

The cross on the muzzle!

And a nick on the handle
of the pistol with the blank.

Yeah, blank.

Ready?

Would you like to trade pistols? I'll
give you mine and $40, Mr. Smirnov.

Thank you, I am
very well satisfied.

Yeah, but I can't shoot
with mine. I'm left-handed.

It will not make any
difference which hand you use.

Gentlemen,
take your places.

On the word, "March"
you will...

Oh, Your Highness,
you dropped your pistol.

No, you dropped yours!

Pardon.

Gentlemen,
retire.

On the word, "March,"
you will start walking.

At ten paces
you will turn and fire.

Ready? March.

One, two...
No, no! Halt!

Halt!
Exception.

Doesn't he know
the rules?

Oh, Mr. Kidley. Are you
going to go through with this?

Or do you wish to be
branded as a coward? Yes!

Bravo.
Very well, then.

Ready again.
March.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight...
Don't hurry. Take careful aim.

Nine, ten!

What kind of blanks
are these?

Gee, Mrs. Marko, that sure was
white of ya. You sure can shoot too.

Always remember that,
Henry my love.

Oh, Mr. Kidley! You did it! You
shot the hand right out of his revolver!

Yeah! Imagine what I'd have
done to him if I'd had a bullet in it.

Oh, John,
you're wonderful.

Gee, Mr. Kidley, I got so
excited, I... I called you John.

Oh... that's okay,
Mrs. Kidley.