Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:08,049
[hip-hop music plays]
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:15,223
[Marlon] How the fuck we doing, DC?
We good?
5
00:00:15,306 --> 00:00:17,308
[crowd cheers]
6
00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:39,789
That music gets you hyped, man.
7
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,250
I see why there's
so many shootouts in hip-hop clubs.
8
00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:47,797
It's the music, man. Make you feel like
you punched your best friend in the face.
9
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,467
"I'm hyped! I'll punch a nigga
in the face with a right!"
10
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,805
"Damn. My bad, Larry. Shit.
11
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:59,893
You did the same shit to me
with that Lil Uzi song last week.
12
00:00:59,976 --> 00:01:02,353
No. You shot me right there."
13
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:05,565
I, like, still party. You know?
14
00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:08,401
Yeah, I'm 45. I'm a... yeah.
15
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:11,154
[crowd cheers]
16
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,448
You know that black don't crack
unless you smoke it.
17
00:01:13,531 --> 00:01:15,533
[crowd laughs]
18
00:01:16,576 --> 00:01:18,787
No, but I still party.
I'm like an old-young nigga.
19
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:19,704
Like...
20
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,289
You know what I mean?
Like...
21
00:01:21,372 --> 00:01:23,625
I'm not like the nigga
that wears the Fubu and the...
22
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:27,087
and the Lugz and the big puffy jacket,
23
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,672
with the receding hairline
and the Yankee cap. I ain't him.
24
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:33,551
I'm the skinny jeans,
new 2.0, young-old nigga.
25
00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:35,887
No. And then girls, when they dance,
26
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:38,765
they come real low and I'm like,
"Hey, I'm young in the face
27
00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,475
and old in the knees. You--"
28
00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,520
They be going down here, like, "Hey..."
29
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,939
I'm like, "Baby,
I can't follow you down there.
30
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:49,609
When I get to L-position,
my black ass come right back up."
31
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,612
No. 'Cause I don't wanna be
that nigga that go down,
32
00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:54,405
try and chase it, like, "Hey..."
33
00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,616
And your old ass gets stuck down there,
34
00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:58,952
and she got to help you up.
35
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,788
And you hear your knees pop
on the way up,
36
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,123
"Pop, pop, pop, pop!"
37
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,625
It's so loud, niggas think they shooting,
"Pop, pop, pop!"
38
00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:07,168
"Oh, shit! They shooting!"
39
00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:09,963
"Naw, they ain't shooting.
That's just my knees, man."
40
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,883
I can't commit physically to a song
41
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,261
until I know what the fucking words are.
42
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:19,180
I'm sorry, these--
Lyrics to these songs be crazy.
43
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,474
They be like,
"I'm sucking dick in the closet--"
44
00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:22,767
"Naw, I'm good on that.
45
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:32,902
Nah. I'mma sit this one out.
I'm waiting for some Usher to come on,
46
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:33,987
something safe.
47
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,910
I'm saying, you know the good part
of the song's coming on--
48
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,329
You know, it's funny, like, you could tell
when the good part come on
49
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:47,125
'cause, brothers, we be like,
"Oh! This my shit, right here!"
50
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,836
It's funny 'cause black women
start stretching on your ass--
51
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:53,798
It be like, "Aw, this my song right here!
I'm about to twerk the shit out--
52
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:58,011
No. I'mma twerk the shit
out this, girl.
53
00:02:58,094 --> 00:03:01,598
I dislocated my clitoris,
popping my pussy to this."
54
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:07,562
"Girl, I broke my hymen twice
on this part.
55
00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:08,730
Right here."
56
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:13,526
Some of these rappers,
they spend their money
57
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,195
on frivolous shit.
You know what they need?
58
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:18,406
They need, like,
some financial advisors.
59
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,868
They need to sit down with a nigga
that's Charles Schwab or Merrill Lynch,
60
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,119
you know,
before they write they rhymes.
61
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,330
♪ I got nine cars-- ♪
62
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:28,041
"Wait, nigga.
Those are depreciating assets.
63
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,837
You wanna put that money
on a nice condominium for yourself."
64
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:34,839
♪ I'm poppin' bottles with models ♪
65
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:37,884
"Hold on, now.
Those bottles are $700 in the club.
66
00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:40,762
You could take your ass
right down to Costco..."
67
00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:42,847
[audience laughs]
68
00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:48,519
"You get the same bottle for 29.99.
69
00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:52,815
And if you get the red tag special,
you'll get it for 24.99.
70
00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:54,943
And don't pop bottles with models.
71
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:58,655
No. They do cocaine
and they can fucking drink all night.
72
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:01,908
Go get you a nice, regular bitch
that got to work in the morning."
73
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,791
♪ I got a mouth full of gold teeth ♪
74
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:12,252
"Well, brother, now you on to something.
75
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:16,589
'Cause gold stocks is making a comeback,
ever since Brexit."
76
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:19,759
Look, you hear the spatter
of Republican laughter.
77
00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:20,677
[chortles]
78
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:23,721
Only the people with money could laugh
at that last joke.
79
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:24,931
People with money was like...
80
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,441
"This guy's a hoot!"
81
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,116
You know, but I realize
that I'm old school, man.
82
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:46,452
I like old-school hip-hop.
I like, like, "Rapper's Delight."
83
00:04:48,746 --> 00:04:52,292
'Cause "Rapper's Delight"
was such a fun song, you know?
84
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,836
It was fun.
The lyrics was easy to remember.
85
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,171
It's like Dr. Seuss wrote
that motherfucker.
86
00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:58,798
It was happy.
87
00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:01,634
It was, like, hip-hop
even white people could enjoy.
88
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,428
'Cause the lyrics were so basic.
89
00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:07,473
♪ I said a hip hop, hippie to the hippie
The hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop ♪
90
00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:10,310
♪ A-rock it to the bang bang
Boogie, the up, yo, the boogie ♪
91
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,811
♪ To the rhythm of the boogie the beat ♪
92
00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:13,938
Look how happy white people are right now.
93
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,232
These two white boys
is in their seat, like,
94
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,776
"Wow!"
♪ Hip woppy, to the beat ♪
95
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:23,156
♪ And me, the crew, and my friend
We're gonna try and move our feet ♪
96
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:25,283
♪ See, I am ♪
97
00:05:27,785 --> 00:05:29,996
'Cause the lyrics were
so simple to remember.
98
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:33,958
♪ Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn ♪
99
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:34,917
♪ You say what ♪
100
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:39,213
♪ If your girl starts actin' up,
then you take her friend ♪
101
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:40,173
Yeah!
102
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,846
"Fuck yeah! Why reward bad behavior?"
103
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,560
I ain't trying to be a hater.
You know, I like some of today's artists.
104
00:05:52,643 --> 00:05:53,644
Like, I love Jay-Z.
105
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:56,356
I love-- I love Jay-Z.
106
00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,067
You know, what I love
about Jay-Z is that...
107
00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:04,238
he's an artist that matures
and his music matures with him.
108
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,450
You know, like,
right now his new album, 4:44.
109
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,535
He's talking about grown man shit.
110
00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:13,206
Stuff that's relevant to grown-ass men.
You know what I'm saying?
111
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:15,917
Like, he's talking about, like, marriage,
112
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,460
and children,
113
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,797
and family legacy and wealth,
114
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,132
and cheating on your wife.
115
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:25,843
And getting caught.
116
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,096
And getting your ass beat
117
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:30,348
in the elevator
by her crazy little sister.
118
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:34,394
You know,
shit that happens to grown folks.
119
00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:36,771
That shit happened to me twice last year.
120
00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:41,317
But see, some of these rappers be rhyming
like they 25 years old.
121
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,069
I'm like, hold on a second.
122
00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:44,737
Nigga, you 50!
123
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,532
I want some age-appropriate
rhymes from you.
124
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:50,576
You better give me some middle age
crisis rhymes, nigga.
125
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:56,749
♪ These young rappers think I'm a sweetie,
nah, sugar high, diabetes ♪
126
00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:03,798
♪ These rappers wanna fight me,
go ahead, call your boys ♪
127
00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:06,843
♪ You can't kick my ass,
They're full of hemorrhoids ♪
128
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:13,891
♪ Oh, you wanna fight this?
I stay knuckled up ♪
129
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,602
♪ Thanks to my arthritis ♪
130
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:26,612
I like some of today's music, you know?
131
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:27,864
I like some of today's artists.
132
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,949
Like, I like Future. You guys like Future?
133
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,618
White people look confused.
134
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,496
"It's a rapper. You know--
Well, the future...
135
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,999
Sure, I love the future.
I'm looking forward to the future.
136
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:42,086
I'm so sorry about the past. You know...
137
00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:45,506
The whole slavery thing. I'm sorry."
138
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,845
Future is a rapper, okay?
139
00:07:50,928 --> 00:07:52,555
And I like Future, but see...
140
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:56,225
I listen to the lyrics
and I think that Future...
141
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,768
this brother need rehab.
142
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,229
All his songs,
143
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,149
he's mixing some kind
of weird drug combination.
144
00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:05,234
His new song, Mask Off...
145
00:08:05,943 --> 00:08:09,363
He's mixing Molly with Percocet.
146
00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:12,617
Nigga, that's a bad drug combination.
147
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:14,994
You trying to kill motherfuckers or what?
148
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,538
You OD in the car,
listening to this nigga's album.
149
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,384
What is the drug culture going in hip-hop?
150
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,887
It's one thing
when Dr. Dre did The Chronic.
151
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:34,847
You know, shit.
We all smoke a little weed.
152
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:35,806
Shit. Yeah, right?
153
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:37,433
Yeah, some of us sell it. Right, nigga?
154
00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:42,063
But Molly and Percocet?
155
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,648
And that's a hit song.
156
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:47,235
What's the next hit song
from a bad drug combination?
157
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,904
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin ♪
158
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,365
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin ♪
159
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:53,574
♪ We gonna chop it up ♪
160
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:54,617
♪ We put it in a cup ♪
161
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,285
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin ♪
162
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,453
♪ Don't be crazy ♪
163
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,454
♪ Give it to your baby ♪
164
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,206
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin ♪
165
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:09,090
But at least I understand the words
that's coming out of Future's mouth.
166
00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:11,425
Right?
I understand the lyrics.
167
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,927
I understand what he's saying.
168
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,053
Now...
169
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:17,223
Can somebody please,
be kind enough to tell me...
170
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,184
What in the entire fuck...
171
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:24,272
is Desiigner saying in the song "Panda"?
172
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:29,652
Who the fuck gave Buckwheat a record deal?
173
00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:36,033
Like, I understand
the first lyrics, right?
174
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,494
♪ I got broads in Atlanta ♪
175
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,330
And then this nigga lose me.
176
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:44,166
[mutters indistinctly]
177
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,128
♪ Legacy panda ♪
178
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,797
♪ Black car look like a panda ♪
179
00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:01,809
Okay, nigga. So, how high were you
when you wrote this fucking song?
180
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,186
Like, how did this happen?
Was ya in your house?
181
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,188
You had a party,
there was girls over.
182
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:09,025
You know, you were smoking weed,
got paranoid and shit,
183
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,277
and started hallucinating.
You came out your house, you was, like,
184
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,154
♪ I got broads in Atlanta ♪
185
00:10:13,237 --> 00:10:16,365
[inhales, mutters indistinctly]
186
00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:18,034
[mutters indistinctly]
187
00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:20,119
[exhales]
188
00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:23,539
♪ White Legacy panda ♪
189
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,796
♪ The black car ♪
190
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:32,923
♪ It look like a panda ♪
191
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:40,264
You don't understand.
192
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:42,642
Nigga, when I first--
When I first heard this song, right?
193
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:46,270
My son walks by me--
The boy's not even saying lyrics.
194
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,647
I don't know what the fuck--
195
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:50,399
He walk by, he just making noises.
Just strange sounds.
196
00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:51,942
He walk by me going...
197
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:54,028
[grunts indistinctly]
198
00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,325
[trills]
199
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,996
[grunts]
200
00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:09,126
I pulled his mommy to the side.
201
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:10,961
We called the doctor.
202
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,090
I thought this little nigga had
Tourette's syndrome.
203
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:19,428
Throughout the entire song,
Desiigner is screaming...
204
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:21,472
[trills, exclaims]
205
00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:24,266
That shit sound painful.
206
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,186
That sound like the inaudible sound
that you make
207
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,438
when you go to take a piss
in the middle of the night,
208
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,648
in a dark room,
209
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:32,400
and you bust your toe...
210
00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:35,403
on a piece of furniture
211
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:38,280
that ain't got no fucking business
being in the bedroom,
212
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:41,534
but your girl thought it was cute.
You know what I'm saying?
213
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:44,412
So, you go to take a piss
and you be like, "Aw, shit--"
214
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:48,124
[trills, exclaims]
215
00:11:54,922 --> 00:11:56,048
[trills, exclaims]
216
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,093
And your girl wake up,
knowing it's her fault.
217
00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:00,803
She put the shit there, like,
218
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:02,847
"You okay?"
219
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:05,433
No, bitch, I ain't okay.
220
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:09,061
What the fuck you got a goddamn
treasure chest in the damn bedroom for?
221
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,439
The fuck are you, a pirate?
222
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:14,942
When do you make that noise?
223
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:16,986
That's the sound I'd make...
224
00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,822
if somebody was to wax...
225
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,204
this part of my asshole.
226
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:33,711
You know that weird meat
between your ass and your balls, fellas?
227
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:40,384
It's a weird little area because there
look like there should be a vagina there,
228
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:44,096
but God was like, "Come on,
you can't have a pussy and a dick.
229
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,056
Sew that shit up, Jesus."
230
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:47,057
"Okay, Dad."
231
00:12:51,395 --> 00:12:54,440
And it got them weird,
scraggly hairs on it.
232
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:57,610
The hair don't grow right there.
It's all scraggly and sparse.
233
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,572
But it lay down. It look
like LeBron James' hairline right here.
234
00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:12,708
But if your hair's real nappy and shit,
it look like Kevin Durant's.
235
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:23,135
But it's a weird little area,
this little place, right?
236
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,429
Because it's real sensitive, right?
237
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:28,307
It's the part on your body
where your girl lick, fellas, right?
238
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:29,975
And it feels really good.
239
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,520
It make you make all kind
of little weird, tickly noises, like...
240
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:39,401
It feels so good, you'll be making noises
like a white girl in a lesbian porno.
241
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:42,196
You'll be like,
"Oh, my fucking God! Fuck yeah!
242
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:46,951
Fuck yeah! Lick my fucking gooch!
Lick my fucking gooch!"
243
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:53,749
But you know when she lick it,
you feel a little bit gay when she do it?
244
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:55,501
You be conflicted, like,
245
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:57,461
"Oh, my God, suck my ass!
Here, suck my dick!
246
00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:59,839
Make me straight again!
Go back down! Lick my gooch!
247
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,341
Lick the taint! Come back up!
Make me straight again!
248
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:04,718
Okay, listen. Don't tell nobody, okay?
249
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,057
You promise you ain't going
to tell nobody?
250
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:15,020
Nah, nah, 'cause when you get mad,
you be saying all my fucking business.
251
00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:18,649
You promise you ain't going
to tell nobody?
252
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,235
All right. I'm going to trust you.
253
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,696
Here. Go on, get all that gooch.
254
00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:28,826
Oh, my fucking God!
Get my fucking gooch! Fuck yeah!
255
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:33,122
Hold on, get the dick, too.
We call that the Doberman pinscher tail."
256
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:43,257
Well, if somebody was to wax
that part of my asshole,
257
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:44,633
I'd make that noise.
258
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:47,094
[trills, exclaims]
259
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:52,683
Thank y'all for coming out, man.
I chose DC to film my first special.
260
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:54,977
'Cause the first place I came to perform--
261
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,770
I went to Howard University.
262
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,358
That's right. HU!
263
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:04,862
Yeah, I didn't graduate.
I know all that shit. I just--
264
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,575
I only went for three semesters, but...
265
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:13,162
Then In Living Color came on. I was, like,
"Bye, niggas, I'm gonna get rich!
266
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:16,749
Fuck your school, nigga!
Fuck your school!
267
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,751
Fuck your positivity, niggas!
268
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,466
It's great to hear y'all laughter, man,
because this world is going through shit,
269
00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:29,136
and laughter is healing
and I think we all need to do more of it.
270
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:36,226
Man, you look at the world,
we got hurricanes,
271
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:39,355
we got earthquakes, fires, floods.
272
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,190
It's fucking armageddon.
273
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,942
And you know who I blame?
274
00:15:44,234 --> 00:15:46,028
I blame the Kardashians. See--
275
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:52,368
They are ruining this world,
one Negro at a time.
276
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:58,666
I don't know what is
in the vagina of a Kardashian,
277
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,710
but I think they got Zika
in there for niggas.
278
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:06,465
It's like, as soon as you put your dick
in a Kardashian, their vagina sucks...
279
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:07,424
[inhales]
280
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,053
all the talent...
281
00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:14,598
out your dick. Just--
282
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,059
It leaves you weak.
283
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:31,573
Everyone that bang 'em.
284
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,535
They need to do the movie Get Out...
285
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:39,999
about the goddamn Kardashian family.
286
00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:43,419
I'll make that my next movie.
Haunted House 3, right?
287
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:47,423
You know, I'm dating one of 'em.
It's like Khloe, Kim, or Kletus--
288
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:51,343
You know, all them niggas start with a K.
And I walk up and see Kanye West and go,
289
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,762
"Hey, Kanye! Hey, man,
let's take a picture!"
290
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,764
We take a picture. The flash goes off...
291
00:16:57,933 --> 00:16:59,852
That nigga's nose start bleeding.
292
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:02,354
He snaps out of a trance,
he grabs my hand, he goes,
293
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,523
"Get out! Get out! Get out!"
294
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,985
They drag him away, right?
And I get scared, so I run outside.
295
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:10,487
And I see Lamar Odom.
296
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,991
He's all cracked out,
doing this shit here.
297
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,833
I look upstairs, like...
I see Caitlyn Jenner.
298
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,218
Looking in the mirror.
The motherfucker's wig fall off.
299
00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:36,346
He got a scar going across his forehead.
300
00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:39,975
You know what that scar is?
From all them damn face surgeries.
301
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,852
But here's the thing.
I know I'm talking shit
302
00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:43,687
about the Kardashian family,
303
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,273
but I want to say this
and say it out loud.
304
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:51,695
I respect them and I applaud them
for embracing Bruce for being Caitlyn.
305
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,572
'Cause, you know, that shit is hard, man.
306
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:56,617
That shit is hard on your family
'cause love and unconditional acceptance
307
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:57,534
is a motherfucker.
308
00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,453
And I don't know if we all got
that property in us.
309
00:17:59,536 --> 00:18:00,412
That's hard.
310
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,664
I call myself woke, but not all the way.
311
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,917
I'm up, nigga, but I'm not-- I'm woke-ish!
312
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:08,462
'Cause I still see the world and go,
"All right, I accept it,
313
00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:10,380
but here's what's funny
about that motherfucker."
314
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,509
I think it's beautiful
that they accept him and I know it's hard
315
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:15,135
on the family.
I could tell at the ESPYs.
316
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:18,347
When Caitlin was giving a speech
and she wanted to thank the family?
317
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:23,060
She was like,
"I just want to thank my children..."
318
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:29,775
She always moving her mouth around,
look like a black man that--
319
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:32,528
You know how black people taste the food
before the shit is ready and it's hot?
320
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:35,155
And you trying to cool it off
and chew it at the same time.
321
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:44,331
"I just want to thank my children...
322
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:50,671
for loving me as the beautiful butterfly
I was born to be..."
323
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:54,174
And the camera pan to the kids.
324
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,262
And they was like, "What in the fuck?"
325
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,935
Nigga, Kim Kardashian started slowly
sinking in her seat, like,
326
00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:07,521
"Nigga, that ain't my daddy.
My daddy dead.
327
00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:11,650
That's just some strange nigga
my mama was banging
328
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,235
for his Wheaties' money.
329
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:17,030
Speaking of banging strange niggas,
come on, Kanye, let's get up outa here."
330
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,826
"Aw, Khloe, you ain't got to worry
with your big, ol' ass.
331
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:23,871
We all know OJ is your real daddy, so..."
332
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,876
Aw, nigga, tell me
she don't look like the Juice!
333
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:33,338
Put a black glove on Khloe,
I bet you that shit won't fit.
334
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:35,841
Here's how I know she's OJ's, okay?
335
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,342
I seen her at the airport.
336
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,304
She's trying to rent a Hertz Rent-a-Car.
337
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,806
And the bitch was jumping over luggage.
338
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,856
And if Bruce wanna be Caitlyn,
I'm fine with that,
339
00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:52,941
but, see, we live in America,
340
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:57,070
and we still have
the fucking freedom of speech.
341
00:19:57,154 --> 00:20:00,115
I have the right to have an opinion,
the right to have a thought
342
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,951
because I live in America
and the First Amendment says
343
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,453
we have freedom of speech.
344
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:07,497
It's the most important Amendment.
That's right.You know why?
345
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:11,210
Yes. 'Cause I went to public school
and they didn't teach the fucking rest.
346
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:16,798
So, if Bruce want to be Caitlin--
You want to cut your dick off--
347
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,967
Hey, man, more pussy for me.
348
00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:23,805
But I'm still entitled
to have my opinion, right, bro?
349
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,642
So, please, please, please...
350
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:28,810
Please, motherfucking please...
351
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:34,274
just stop trying to tell me
that this motherfucker is beautiful.
352
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,567
I'm sorry!
353
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:42,032
I'm sorry, okay? Look, Bruce Jenner
was a good-looking white man.
354
00:20:42,449 --> 00:20:45,285
Right? But as a white woman? Shit...
355
00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:50,749
I ain't seen a white chick that ugly
since me and Shawn in the fucking movie.
356
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,130
"You were thinking it!"
357
00:20:58,215 --> 00:20:59,549
"You said it!"
358
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:08,684
Such a crazy time, man.
Such a crazy time in this world.
359
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:12,062
Fucking racism is coming back
like cocaine and skinny jeans.
360
00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:13,272
Look at this shit here.
361
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,858
It's crazy, but you know what?
362
00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:18,902
I don't think it's coming back everywhere.
363
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:20,988
I'm not going to let it come back
with me and my friends.
364
00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:23,448
And I know a good number of people
in here ain't going to let it come back
365
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:26,702
with them and their friends.
We came too fucking far to allow racism
366
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:29,621
to break us up now.
So, we're having real conversations
367
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:30,747
about real issues, right?
368
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,082
For example,
369
00:21:32,165 --> 00:21:35,502
my white friends want to say the n-word.
370
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:37,754
Yeah. And I'm like...
371
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:39,548
"Nigga, no."
372
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:45,721
And they're confused,
or perplexed as they call it.
373
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,640
"Why can't I say it? You say it."
374
00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:52,019
I'm like, "Yeah. Well, I'm a nigga.
I can do that type of shit."
375
00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:54,688
"Well, it's in all the rap songs."
376
00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:56,898
"Yeah, guess what? Them niggas, too.
377
00:21:57,649 --> 00:21:58,984
They can say that type of shit."
378
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:01,278
"Well, but why can't I say it?"
379
00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:02,571
I said, "Look, nigga..."
380
00:22:04,948 --> 00:22:09,911
I said, "Nigger" was a word that was used
to hurt black people's feelings,
381
00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:13,957
to demean us and make us feel less
than everybody.
382
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:18,170
But see, brothers,
we took that word and we transposed it.
383
00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:19,379
We remixed it.
384
00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:22,341
And we took our pain and we turned
that shit into positivity.
385
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:26,386
And we took the word "nigger"
and turned it into a term of endearment.
386
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:30,640
It went from, "Nigger," to, "Nigga!"
387
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:36,104
And that's a beautiful thing
that black people in our culture do.
388
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:38,106
It's a powerful thing that we do.
389
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:39,900
We did the same thing with chains.
390
00:22:39,983 --> 00:22:43,570
Chains. They was meant to enslave us,
keep us captured.
391
00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:45,197
Keep us as slaves.
392
00:22:45,572 --> 00:22:47,616
But now that shit is status quo.
393
00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:50,952
What's the first thing black people do
when we get some fucking money?
394
00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,497
Buy some motherfucking chains.
395
00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:56,208
Brothers be like,
"Look at all these chains on my neck!
396
00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:01,296
I'm getting my feet shackles bling
next week."
397
00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:05,759
Look at what black folks did with a pig.
398
00:23:05,842 --> 00:23:08,470
A pig. A filthy, dirty animal,
399
00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:10,180
they gave us during slavery to eat.
400
00:23:10,263 --> 00:23:12,849
Like, "You wanna eat some meat?
Well, eat this, niggers!"
401
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,935
And black people was like, "Well, okay."
402
00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:18,688
And look at what-- We tore a pig up.
403
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:22,109
We ate every fucking part of the pig.
404
00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:27,406
If black people could eat a pig's soul,
we'd deep fry that shit.
405
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:31,493
To this day,
when a pig see a black person,
406
00:23:31,576 --> 00:23:33,537
that motherfucker run off scared, like...
407
00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:34,538
"Nigga, hide me.
408
00:23:34,621 --> 00:23:36,164
[oinks]
409
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:37,582
No. The black folks is coming.
410
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:42,337
No. Hide me.
Please, let the white folks get me
411
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:44,005
'cause all they make is bacon.
412
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,758
These motherfuckers,
they eat every fucking part of me.
413
00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:51,138
Look at my feet.
They took my fucking feet.
414
00:23:53,723 --> 00:23:55,350
They chopped them off.
415
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,353
And they put 'em
in these fucking see-through jars.
416
00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:01,731
And they eat the shit cold.
417
00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:05,110
And they hands get sticky
and start looking like pig feet.
418
00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:07,529
Look at what--
419
00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:11,533
Look at what they did with my intestines.
They took my fucking intestines out!
420
00:24:11,908 --> 00:24:14,202
And they clean the shit out.
421
00:24:14,953 --> 00:24:17,998
All-- The whole family.
The momma, the kids, the uncle,
422
00:24:18,081 --> 00:24:21,084
they clean the shit out with vinegar.
423
00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:26,089
They boiled it, put some Larry's on it,
and called the shit, chitlins.
424
00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:30,886
It stunk up the whole house
and they still ate it.
425
00:24:31,928 --> 00:24:34,014
The niggas ate my ass!
426
00:24:35,682 --> 00:24:36,766
Literally!
427
00:24:38,059 --> 00:24:39,936
Look at-- Man, look at my neck.
428
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,980
Look at my motherfucking neck.
429
00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:43,899
Why's it like this?
430
00:24:44,232 --> 00:24:46,693
'Cause the nigga took my neck bone,
431
00:24:46,776 --> 00:24:49,529
boiled it and put it
in some fucking collard greens!"
432
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:57,329
That's beauty of black people,
the beauty of our culture,
433
00:24:57,412 --> 00:24:58,747
that's how we do.
434
00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:02,501
We take our pain
and we turn it into positivity.
435
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:04,669
But you know-- And my white friend,
you know, he was like,
436
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:06,546
"Well, what can I do to say it?"
437
00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:07,881
I was like, "Motherfucker..."
438
00:25:07,964 --> 00:25:09,758
White people so damn persistent.
439
00:25:10,467 --> 00:25:13,261
I see why y'all is successful.
You negotiate everything.
440
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:16,056
"Oh, well I hear your angle,
but what if...
441
00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:21,353
I know you have a wall up,
but if I dig a tunnel up under here...
442
00:25:21,436 --> 00:25:23,104
How do I get to the n-word?"
443
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:27,734
I'm like, "Look, man, I wish there was
a protocol that I could give you, okay?
444
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:31,196
I wish there was an application
you could fill out,
445
00:25:31,404 --> 00:25:34,324
and you could send it in
to nigga immigrations."
446
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:38,328
You go to niggagations
and get your fucking nigga pass.
447
00:25:38,411 --> 00:25:40,413
You know what I mean?
And there's an angry brother sitting
448
00:25:40,497 --> 00:25:41,915
at the desk.
He got to interview you.
449
00:25:41,998 --> 00:25:43,208
He's sitting there like...
450
00:25:45,335 --> 00:25:46,586
"Yeah, what you want?"
451
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:49,422
"I'm here to get my nigga--"
452
00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:51,341
"You're here to get what, motherfucker?"
453
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:54,761
"I'm here to get my n-word pass."
454
00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:56,429
"All right. That's better.
455
00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,267
All right, well... who sent you?"
456
00:26:01,476 --> 00:26:02,477
"Laq'kieché."
457
00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:04,020
"Spell it."
458
00:26:08,733 --> 00:26:13,697
"L... A... Q... apostrophe...
459
00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:17,033
K... I... E...
460
00:26:17,117 --> 00:26:19,119
C... H...
461
00:26:20,245 --> 00:26:22,956
E... Accent over the E..."
462
00:26:24,374 --> 00:26:25,542
"And?"
463
00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:28,837
"And the Q is silent."
464
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,591
"My nigga! That was--
465
00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:35,010
That was a hard one, man.
466
00:26:35,093 --> 00:26:37,470
Hey, I want to thank you.
Now I know how to spell my wife
467
00:26:37,554 --> 00:26:39,306
and my daughter's name.
Thank you, brother.
468
00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:42,601
Hey, don't forget your nigga pass.
Here you go. All right, next.
469
00:26:42,684 --> 00:26:46,187
All right. On The Cosby Show
when Denise made Theo
470
00:26:46,271 --> 00:26:47,981
that designer knock-off shirt...
471
00:26:49,316 --> 00:26:53,945
What was the name of the real designer
that she knocked off?
472
00:26:55,238 --> 00:26:57,949
Goldie Gotrell! My nigga!
473
00:26:58,033 --> 00:27:00,035
Thumb imprint, nigga. Get your nigga pass.
474
00:27:01,411 --> 00:27:02,454
All right. Next!
475
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:03,622
Let's see here...
476
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:05,915
All right, let's see your application.
All right. Okay.
477
00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:11,379
Okay. Your hobbies are eating, drinking,
smoking, and all types of ill shit.
478
00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:12,339
All right.
479
00:27:13,548 --> 00:27:14,382
All right...
480
00:27:15,550 --> 00:27:17,886
What's your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid?"
481
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:20,180
"It's fruit punch. I love fruit punch."
482
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:24,976
"I don't know...
483
00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:27,979
Personally, I like grape.
You know? 'Cause...
484
00:27:28,146 --> 00:27:30,190
It does something funny
to a black person's mouth
485
00:27:30,273 --> 00:27:32,942
'cause the sweet and the tangy
makes your mouth do this here...
486
00:27:34,611 --> 00:27:35,445
Okay...
487
00:27:35,528 --> 00:27:36,863
When making Kool-Aid...
488
00:27:36,946 --> 00:27:37,822
What...
489
00:27:38,740 --> 00:27:40,325
is your sugar...
490
00:27:40,533 --> 00:27:41,743
to water...
491
00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:43,286
ratio?"
492
00:27:49,584 --> 00:27:53,838
"Well, that be three parts sugar,
one part water."
493
00:27:54,923 --> 00:27:57,509
"Motherfucker, what you making, milk?
494
00:27:57,592 --> 00:28:00,679
Denied! Get the fuck up out of here!
495
00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:03,848
What kind of sour pucker shit you making?
496
00:28:04,432 --> 00:28:05,600
Let me tell you something.
497
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,560
It's 18 parts sugar...
498
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:09,354
dash of water.
499
00:28:10,230 --> 00:28:13,358
If you sip it
and don't get instant diabetes,
500
00:28:13,441 --> 00:28:15,860
well, motherfucker, that ain't Kool-Aid.
501
00:28:16,236 --> 00:28:18,446
You made Gatorade.
502
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:22,617
And, hey, hey. For your information...
503
00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:28,039
every nigga know
the flavor ain't fruit punch.
504
00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:29,374
The flavor is..."
505
00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:30,792
[audience] Red!
506
00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:31,918
Red!
507
00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:39,259
So, finally I caved in
and I gave him a nigga pass.
508
00:28:39,634 --> 00:28:41,636
I gave him a nigga pass
'cause I knew him my whole life,
509
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,555
and I knew if we had beef
with other brothers,
510
00:28:43,638 --> 00:28:45,557
he was going to have my back.
And I love him like a brother,
511
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,809
so, I was like, "Listen,
you keep this shit between me and you."
512
00:28:47,892 --> 00:28:50,437
See, because a nigga pass is regional.
513
00:28:50,603 --> 00:28:54,190
You do not get a universal nigga pass.
514
00:28:54,274 --> 00:28:58,361
You gotta get your nigga passport stamped.
Every fucking new black person you meet,
515
00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:00,363
they gotta stamp it with approval.
516
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:01,656
Because here's the thing.
517
00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:04,576
There's only one white boy
that got a universal nigga pass.
518
00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:06,745
And that is Eminem. You know why?
519
00:29:07,954 --> 00:29:12,709
'Cause Dr. Dre endorsed him.
His baby mama drama is real...
520
00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:17,338
and that freestyle he did
about Donald Trump was amazing.
521
00:29:21,843 --> 00:29:26,222
So, what I'm saying is,
you can say "nigga" around yo niggas,
522
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:29,893
but if you think you gonna go
around some new niggas...
523
00:29:30,643 --> 00:29:32,270
and say "nigga"?
524
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:35,690
"Nigga!"
525
00:29:39,068 --> 00:29:40,695
Now's the time
you don't want to be a nigga.
526
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:43,031
It's a tough time, man,
being black in America.
527
00:29:43,114 --> 00:29:44,991
Cops are shooting niggas
like they playing a game
528
00:29:45,074 --> 00:29:47,285
of Pokemon GO up in this motherfucker.
529
00:29:47,702 --> 00:29:50,038
I'm like, "Wait, are y'all getting points
for that shit?"
530
00:29:50,121 --> 00:29:53,374
But see, for black folks, man,
it's scary being black.
531
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:56,419
When the cops are in back of me--
Something happens to you
532
00:29:56,503 --> 00:29:58,046
when you are a black person.
533
00:29:58,129 --> 00:30:01,174
You immediately-- When the cops--
The lights don't gotta be on,
534
00:30:01,257 --> 00:30:02,467
they just in back of you.
535
00:30:02,550 --> 00:30:04,677
You immediately freeze.
And you start looking
536
00:30:04,761 --> 00:30:06,554
in the rearview mirror,
hoping they don't see you seeing them
537
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:07,847
in the rearview mirror.
538
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,558
And then you change the position
of how you seat.
539
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:13,102
'Cause, you know, black folks,
we drive back here.
540
00:30:13,311 --> 00:30:16,439
Them cops come in back of you,
you sit up real white
541
00:30:16,523 --> 00:30:17,899
up in that motherfucker.
542
00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:21,486
If, for a split second,
you be in your car, like,
543
00:30:21,569 --> 00:30:24,239
"Wait, did I steal this shit?"
544
00:30:27,450 --> 00:30:28,952
Something has to change.
545
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:31,746
And I think they need a new check
and balance system.
546
00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:37,001
You can't partner a potentially racist cop
with another potentially racist cop.
547
00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,546
No. We need check and balance.
548
00:30:40,004 --> 00:30:42,048
So, for every potentially racist cop,
549
00:30:42,131 --> 00:30:47,887
we'll partner him
with a strong, black, female officer.
550
00:30:51,558 --> 00:30:55,311
Yes, because sisters are firm,
but they are fair.
551
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:57,146
And they ain't gonna
let no injustice happen.
552
00:30:57,230 --> 00:31:00,775
That white cop get out of hand?
Oh, sister going to check his ass.
553
00:31:01,150 --> 00:31:03,903
And she going to check the crook, too,
if he get out of hand. You know?
554
00:31:03,987 --> 00:31:05,405
White cop like,
"Get the fuck out the car!
555
00:31:05,488 --> 00:31:06,447
Get the fuck out the car!"
556
00:31:06,531 --> 00:31:07,991
"Hold the fuck up!
557
00:31:11,744 --> 00:31:13,830
You ain't got to talk to him that way.
558
00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:17,166
You ain't got to talk to him that way.
559
00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:19,544
He is a human bein'."
560
00:31:20,545 --> 00:31:21,504
"I think you meant 'being.'"
561
00:31:21,588 --> 00:31:25,300
"Motherfucker, I said, 'being.'
The G is silent.
562
00:31:28,928 --> 00:31:30,346
So goddamn sick.
563
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:32,348
Come on, baby,
get your ass up out the car.
564
00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:34,851
You see, he turned all red in the face,
that means he's upset.
565
00:31:34,934 --> 00:31:36,269
Come on, get up out the car."
566
00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:37,854
"Put your fucking hands up!
567
00:31:37,937 --> 00:31:39,731
Put your fucking hands
where I can see 'em!"
568
00:31:39,814 --> 00:31:40,690
"See, hold up.
569
00:31:40,773 --> 00:31:43,693
I 'pecifically told you...
570
00:31:45,778 --> 00:31:50,700
I 'pecifically told you,
don't speak to that boy like that."
571
00:31:50,783 --> 00:31:53,077
"I think you meant 'specifically.'"
572
00:31:53,161 --> 00:31:54,662
"Motherfucker, I said...
573
00:31:54,996 --> 00:31:56,289
'Pecifically.
574
00:31:56,581 --> 00:31:58,625
The S is silent.
575
00:32:00,710 --> 00:32:03,129
Now come on, baby,
get your ass up out the car.
576
00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:05,840
Put your hands in the air,
but don't wave 'em
577
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:07,425
like you just don't care."
578
00:32:07,926 --> 00:32:10,511
"Oh, my God, look at-- He has a gun.
Look at that thing in his pants!
579
00:32:10,595 --> 00:32:12,889
I think he has a fucking gun!
It's a 12 gauge! It's huge!"
580
00:32:12,972 --> 00:32:15,934
"Motherfucker, don't shoot!
That's not a gun.
581
00:32:16,267 --> 00:32:18,478
It's his dick, motherfucker.
582
00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:22,148
Yeah, move. I got this.
583
00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:25,526
Baby, what's your fucking problem?
You know why we pulled your ass over?
584
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:27,695
Look at you. You got fucking saggy jeans.
585
00:32:27,779 --> 00:32:30,156
You got tattoos on your face,
gold teeth in your mouth.
586
00:32:30,239 --> 00:32:33,076
Where the fuck do you think you going?
You ain't going to work, motherfucker.
587
00:32:33,159 --> 00:32:34,619
That's for goddamn sure.
588
00:32:35,161 --> 00:32:37,580
And what's that weed smell?
Gimme that shit!
589
00:32:37,789 --> 00:32:40,750
Oh, that's that raspberry yum-yum.
We going to have to keep this.
590
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:44,587
Confiscate this for evidence.
Okay, everything's good here."
591
00:32:44,671 --> 00:32:46,339
"No. I want to ask him some--"
592
00:32:46,422 --> 00:32:48,091
"Motherfucker, don't axe him shit.
593
00:32:48,174 --> 00:32:49,592
I'll axe the questions."
594
00:32:49,676 --> 00:32:54,722
"Oh, my God, Lacricia,
it's not 'axe,' it's 'ask.'"
595
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:59,769
"Motherfucker, I said axe.
The S is silent.
596
00:33:00,728 --> 00:33:02,689
Now get your ass up in the car.
597
00:33:02,772 --> 00:33:05,191
And my name ain't Lacricia,
it's Laq'kieché.
598
00:33:05,274 --> 00:33:06,818
The Q is silent.
599
00:33:08,027 --> 00:33:10,738
Now, come on. Let's go get some breakfax."
600
00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:17,578
It's just a crazy time, man.
601
00:33:17,870 --> 00:33:19,998
Now, you see,
I'm passionate about this shit,
602
00:33:20,748 --> 00:33:21,749
'cause I'm a father.
603
00:33:22,709 --> 00:33:25,086
I have two beautiful, teenage kids.
604
00:33:25,837 --> 00:33:27,213
Beautiful, black children.
605
00:33:27,922 --> 00:33:30,008
You see, I get concerned
when they leave my house that...
606
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:31,676
they may not come home
607
00:33:31,759 --> 00:33:34,804
because of the shit that's popping off,
and I just can't have that.
608
00:33:34,887 --> 00:33:35,888
I just can't.
609
00:33:36,431 --> 00:33:38,891
And see, I don't care if you're black,
I don't care if you're white,
610
00:33:38,975 --> 00:33:40,685
I don't care if you're Middle Eastern.
611
00:33:40,768 --> 00:33:43,271
I don't care if you're Asian,
I don't care if you're a little person,
612
00:33:43,354 --> 00:33:45,857
'cause little people got babies, too.
They just real little.
613
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:50,737
No parent should be strapped
with the anxiety of,
614
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:53,281
"Is my child going to be safe?"
615
00:33:56,743 --> 00:33:58,786
But see, they tell us as--
They tell us, as black folks
616
00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,997
that we need to have "the talk"
617
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:01,914
with our children.
618
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:02,832
You hear about this?
619
00:34:02,915 --> 00:34:03,875
"The talk."
620
00:34:03,958 --> 00:34:06,711
It's when you sit your children down
and you explain to them
621
00:34:06,794 --> 00:34:08,504
how to respond respectfully
622
00:34:08,588 --> 00:34:10,465
when law enforcement pulls them over.
623
00:34:10,631 --> 00:34:12,300
And see, I'm down for that.
624
00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:14,635
And I think that's the responsible thing
to do as a parent.
625
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:16,846
You sit your children down,
you tell them to be respectful
626
00:34:16,929 --> 00:34:18,389
to our law enforcement.
627
00:34:18,473 --> 00:34:21,851
So, see, I tried
to have "the talk" with my kids...
628
00:34:22,060 --> 00:34:23,311
And you know...
629
00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:25,480
halfway through the talk
630
00:34:25,772 --> 00:34:28,524
I sound like an old, scared slave
631
00:34:29,901 --> 00:34:32,111
that didn't know he had his freedom.
632
00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:35,114
I was talking to my kids, I was like,
"Baby, if the cops pull you over,
633
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:37,825
you hush your mouth,
and now don't you sass me, boy!
634
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:41,037
Don't you sass me now, boy!
635
00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:43,956
The cops pull you over,
I want you to hold your head down
636
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:44,874
in humility.
637
00:34:44,957 --> 00:34:47,627
And you just rock back and forth, he goes,
'You know why I pulled you over?'
638
00:34:47,710 --> 00:34:51,214
I want you to smile!
Show all 36 of your teeth.
639
00:34:51,672 --> 00:34:56,177
He goes, 'You know why I pulled you over?'
Go, 'No, suh, but I sure do trust ya!'
640
00:34:57,720 --> 00:35:01,015
And he goes, 'You wise-mouthing me?'
Go, 'No, suh, I'd never do such a thing,
641
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:01,933
Mr. Bossman.'
642
00:35:02,141 --> 00:35:04,977
Yeah, so you use all kinda surnames.
See, the white ego love that.
643
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:08,606
'No, suh, Mr. Bossman, master-man, suh,
I'd never do such a thing.'
644
00:35:09,107 --> 00:35:10,858
Then he goes,
'You want me to read you your rights?'
645
00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:13,820
You best to stay humble.
You say, 'Yes, suh, please do.
646
00:35:14,654 --> 00:35:16,572
Well, you know I can't read.'"
647
00:35:21,702 --> 00:35:24,163
I get upset. You know why I get upset?
Because I get jealous.
648
00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:26,749
I get jealous because I got white friends
649
00:35:26,833 --> 00:35:29,043
and I've been pulled over
with my white friends
650
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:32,672
and what I've found
is that white people are not afraid
651
00:35:32,755 --> 00:35:33,798
of the police.
652
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:35,508
Black people are.
653
00:35:35,716 --> 00:35:37,135
'Cause when we got pulled over,
654
00:35:37,218 --> 00:35:40,304
my white friend
cursed the fucking police out.
655
00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:45,059
He cursed the police out so bad,
I thought he pulled the cop over.
656
00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:48,980
I swear to God,
he was going to write the cop a ticket.
657
00:35:49,063 --> 00:35:51,482
I was hiding in the glovebox, like,
"Nigga, he gonna get shot
658
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:52,775
sooner or later."
659
00:35:56,028 --> 00:35:58,322
Because here's the talk
that white people have with their kids.
660
00:35:58,406 --> 00:36:01,951
"If the cops pull you over,
I want you to say, 'Hey, bucko!
661
00:36:03,327 --> 00:36:06,789
You better have a goddamn,
good reason why.'
662
00:36:07,790 --> 00:36:09,458
Yeah, if he starts
to mouth off to you, say,
663
00:36:09,542 --> 00:36:12,587
'Hey, hey! Hey, buddy.
You watch your freaking mouth.
664
00:36:12,670 --> 00:36:16,215
You watch your freaking mouth.
I pay my taxes.
665
00:36:17,425 --> 00:36:19,594
Yeah, so that means you work for me.'
666
00:36:19,677 --> 00:36:22,305
Yeah, if he keeps it up and he reaches
for his pepper spray, you're like,
667
00:36:22,388 --> 00:36:24,098
'I fucking dare ya. I fucking dare ya.
668
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:26,225
I double dog dare ya.
669
00:36:26,559 --> 00:36:29,854
Go ahead. Spray me right
in my blue eye and make it red.
670
00:36:31,147 --> 00:36:34,483
Yeah, 'cause I'll have my lawyer
so far up your asshole,
671
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:36,944
you'll need a goddamn gerbil
to get him out.'
672
00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:43,201
Then, he says one more smart thing,
one more smart thing,
673
00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:46,037
I want you to grab his pen and go,
'That's it!
674
00:36:47,246 --> 00:36:49,290
I'm going to write a letter.
675
00:36:51,250 --> 00:36:54,253
'Dear Mr. President Trump...'"
676
00:36:56,505 --> 00:36:57,381
Fucking Trump.
677
00:36:57,465 --> 00:37:00,092
What an interesting year it has been,
huh, people?
678
00:37:01,052 --> 00:37:04,513
"Dear white folks and Trump supporters,
please fasten your seat belt,
679
00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:07,850
it's going to get a little turbulent
in here for about 5 minutes.
680
00:37:08,100 --> 00:37:11,562
So, strap it in and enjoy the ride.
We'll be out of here in no time."
681
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:12,521
Okay, Trump.
682
00:37:12,605 --> 00:37:14,732
This is the craziest shit I've ever seen.
683
00:37:14,815 --> 00:37:15,650
I... It's...
684
00:37:15,733 --> 00:37:18,194
Maybe it's his reality show background.
685
00:37:18,444 --> 00:37:19,278
But...
686
00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:22,990
he's turned the White House
into a reality show.
687
00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:27,703
I swear, I find myself watching politics
the way women watch reality shows.
688
00:37:27,787 --> 00:37:30,122
I'm like, "Girl, did you see
what happened today?"
689
00:37:30,206 --> 00:37:31,290
"No, what?"
690
00:37:31,749 --> 00:37:33,334
"Girl, sit down.
691
00:37:35,294 --> 00:37:37,797
Your boy Trump is tripping again."
692
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:38,923
"What happened?"
693
00:37:39,006 --> 00:37:41,676
"Well, first of all,
he fired Sean Spicer."
694
00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:43,761
"He fired Sean Spicer? Why?"
695
00:37:43,844 --> 00:37:44,971
"I don't know.
696
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:51,269
But he hired this cockeyed bitch,
Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
697
00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:52,436
Let me tell you something,
698
00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:55,356
that cockeyed bitch
don't be answering nobody questions.
699
00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:59,318
Ooh, that cockeyed heifer got attitude.
She be like, 'What the fuck do you want?
700
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:00,903
Hurry the fuck up.
701
00:38:01,237 --> 00:38:03,030
I got an eye doctor appointment.
702
00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:04,824
I ain't got time for this shit.
703
00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:08,244
You want a straight answer?
Give me a straight eye, motherfucker.'
704
00:38:09,829 --> 00:38:14,041
Girl, do you know the plot is thickening?
You see what's happening over in Russia?"
705
00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:15,334
"I know."
706
00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:16,502
"Girl, you know what that is?
707
00:38:16,585 --> 00:38:20,673
I think Putin got pictures of Trump
doing some sexy shit
708
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:22,717
with some Russian prostitutes."
709
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:24,010
"Girl, why do you say that?"
710
00:38:24,093 --> 00:38:26,053
"Girl, watch the First Lady.
711
00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:29,598
Every time Trump try to grab Melania hand,
712
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:30,891
what does she be doing?
713
00:38:30,975 --> 00:38:33,602
She be like, 'Get the fuck up--
Get the fuck up off me!
714
00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:35,438
Get the fuck up off me!
715
00:38:35,521 --> 00:38:38,691
You pussy-grabby motherfucker,
get the fuck up off me!
716
00:38:43,946 --> 00:38:45,614
Go sleep your ass in the Oval Office.
717
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:47,992
You ain't getting no
First Lady Koochie tonight.'
718
00:38:48,743 --> 00:38:51,120
"Girl, do you know he fired Comey?"
719
00:38:51,203 --> 00:38:53,581
"The FBI director? Why?"
720
00:38:53,664 --> 00:38:55,166
"I don't know.
721
00:38:56,751 --> 00:38:59,253
But they said some shit about collusion.
722
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:02,256
Now, see, I don't know
what the fuck that mean...
723
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:07,303
but it sounds shady as fuck to me."
724
00:39:09,430 --> 00:39:11,932
This is a historical time
in the history of our country,
725
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:13,184
a historical time.
726
00:39:13,267 --> 00:39:16,645
'Cause this is the first time
I ever seen white people...
727
00:39:16,729 --> 00:39:19,648
embarrassed by another white person.
728
00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:21,692
This shit is crazy!
729
00:39:21,776 --> 00:39:26,822
'Cause the beauty of white people
is white people love white people.
730
00:39:26,906 --> 00:39:29,367
And they support each other,
no matter how talented
731
00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:31,952
or untalented they are,
they have each other's back.
732
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:34,955
How the fuck you think Vanilla Ice
went multi-platinum?
733
00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:38,918
But with Trump,
every time he says some stupid shit,
734
00:39:39,001 --> 00:39:40,252
some embarrassing shit,
735
00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:43,005
I see white people put their head
in their hand embarrassed,
736
00:39:43,089 --> 00:39:44,840
like, "Jesus Christ...
737
00:39:46,133 --> 00:39:48,135
This nigga! Gosh!
738
00:39:49,929 --> 00:39:52,848
God, I wish I was black today.
739
00:39:54,141 --> 00:39:56,727
I'll take the police beatings.
I'll take the debt.
740
00:39:56,811 --> 00:39:59,063
I'll take the half hour late
for everything.
741
00:39:59,146 --> 00:40:02,525
I'll even take the ashy shit
that formulates right here.
742
00:40:05,528 --> 00:40:08,697
I don't know what the fuck it is,
but when it gets 55 degrees and lower,
743
00:40:08,781 --> 00:40:10,950
they all get real ashy right here.
744
00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:14,245
It looks like Spider-Man hit 'em
with a little web, like...
745
00:40:16,372 --> 00:40:18,749
Just somebody shut him the fuck up."
746
00:40:20,918 --> 00:40:23,671
Every race has somebody
that we're embarrassed by, okay?
747
00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:26,715
Every race.
That's what makes us all the same.
748
00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:29,593
Every race got somebody
that we are embarrassed by.
749
00:40:29,969 --> 00:40:34,640
So, yes, Donald Trump is embarrassing
to white people, okay?
750
00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:36,475
So, Donald Trump...
751
00:40:37,017 --> 00:40:38,978
is the Flavor Flav...
752
00:40:39,061 --> 00:40:41,063
[audience laughs]
753
00:40:44,024 --> 00:40:45,568
of white people.
754
00:40:47,611 --> 00:40:49,864
But I look at all that's going on today,
and you know what I say?
755
00:40:49,947 --> 00:40:51,907
I say, "I am happy for Barack."
756
00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:54,952
I am so happy for Barack, man.
That he's so--
757
00:40:55,077 --> 00:40:56,495
I'm so happy he's out of office.
758
00:40:56,579 --> 00:40:58,706
He look happy. He looks so happy.
759
00:41:02,126 --> 00:41:04,462
Because the presidency is stressful.
760
00:41:04,545 --> 00:41:07,214
Remember when he first came into office?
He looked all young.
761
00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:10,050
Looked good in a suit, right?
Had that black hair,
762
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:11,427
golden brown skin.
763
00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:13,596
He looked like Denzel Washington.
764
00:41:13,846 --> 00:41:18,142
8 years of fighting with Republicans,
he got all old and gray.
765
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:20,311
Fucking moles on his face.
766
00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:23,647
By the end, that nigga looked
like Morgan Freeman.
767
00:41:33,407 --> 00:41:36,952
By the end, Barack looked like he was,
so tired of taking the Republican shit.
768
00:41:37,036 --> 00:41:39,205
Right? He was like,
"Fuck this bipartisan shit."
769
00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:41,332
He looked like he just wanted
to curse motherfuckers out.
770
00:41:41,415 --> 00:41:43,417
His last speech,
he looked like he just wanted to go,
771
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:49,089
"Fuck you. Suck my dick.
Lick ass, America. Barack is out, bitch!
772
00:41:56,347 --> 00:41:59,475
You can take your flag
and shove it up your goddamn ass.
773
00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:01,894
That's right. I set up my retirement.
774
00:42:01,977 --> 00:42:04,980
I'm moving to Seattle,
where I legalized weed.
775
00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:08,651
And guess what?
I'm going to smoke my lips black again.
776
00:42:08,734 --> 00:42:09,818
That's what I'm going to do.
777
00:42:11,862 --> 00:42:14,240
I'm dropping an album
with Jay-Z and Beyonce.
778
00:42:16,075 --> 00:42:17,743
It's called Head Niggas in Charge.
779
00:42:19,703 --> 00:42:22,164
I got my own clothing line, Barackawear.
780
00:42:23,457 --> 00:42:26,418
You can get it at Macy's,
right next to Sean John and Rocawear.
781
00:42:27,461 --> 00:42:30,297
Be sure to pick up my new cologne,
Potus Number 44.
782
00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:34,009
Not to be confused with Number 45.
783
00:42:34,802 --> 00:42:35,928
That shit stinks.
784
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:44,895
I just signed a lucrative deal
with Ciroc Liquor and Sean Diddy Combs.
785
00:42:44,979 --> 00:42:46,897
That's right, I'm a Ciroc boy.
786
00:42:47,314 --> 00:42:51,068
So, come drink Ciroc
with your boy Barack."
787
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,203
You know, I was sitting there
watching Barack.
788
00:43:01,287 --> 00:43:02,913
Man, that shit is stressful, man.
789
00:43:02,997 --> 00:43:05,499
That shit was stressful.
I mean, they fucking heckled him.
790
00:43:05,666 --> 00:43:07,042
They heckled the president.
791
00:43:07,126 --> 00:43:08,419
You ain't got to like him,
792
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:09,920
but shit,
you should respect him,
793
00:43:10,004 --> 00:43:11,130
he's the president.
794
00:43:11,338 --> 00:43:14,842
And the man was giving a speech
about healthcare,
795
00:43:14,925 --> 00:43:16,510
which is important to him.
796
00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:18,637
Because he knew,
once his black ass was out of office,
797
00:43:18,721 --> 00:43:20,514
he probably wasn't gonna have none.
798
00:43:21,098 --> 00:43:22,808
And he was giving an impassioned speech,
799
00:43:22,891 --> 00:43:24,893
"We need healthcare for every American,
800
00:43:24,977 --> 00:43:26,895
and we should be fastidious
with that healthcare."
801
00:43:26,979 --> 00:43:29,440
And a Republican screamed out, "You lie!"
802
00:43:29,523 --> 00:43:32,151
In the middle of his speech.
803
00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:36,614
See, now, I know Barack Obama's
our first black president, right?
804
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:38,282
But if that was me...
805
00:43:38,782 --> 00:43:41,118
and the motherfucker screamed out
in the middle of my speech.
806
00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:46,707
See, that's when the world's going
to see the first nigga president.
807
00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:50,002
I'd lose my fucking mind.
I'd be like, "We need healthcare
808
00:43:50,085 --> 00:43:51,920
for every American
and we should be fastidious with that--"
809
00:43:52,004 --> 00:43:52,838
"You lie!"
810
00:43:55,507 --> 00:43:57,593
"Who the fuck said that shit?
811
00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:03,682
Who the fuck said that shit?
812
00:44:04,933 --> 00:44:07,686
Hey, yo, Biden! Nigga, Biden, we got beef!
813
00:44:09,063 --> 00:44:11,607
[crows]
814
00:44:14,109 --> 00:44:17,029
Hillary, get the fuck off me.
Hillary, get the fuck up off of me!
815
00:44:17,279 --> 00:44:19,865
Nah, I ain't Bill. I don't play that shit.
816
00:44:20,908 --> 00:44:22,618
Yo, Michelle. Handle that bitch.
817
00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:26,163
I'm from Hawaii, motherfucker!
818
00:44:26,830 --> 00:44:29,667
What? I got nukes motherfucker!
819
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,254
Do we have a problem?
820
00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:36,006
I said...
821
00:44:36,090 --> 00:44:40,052
[audience joining in]
Do... we... have... a... problem?
822
00:44:42,346 --> 00:44:45,057
See, I want to take this time
to explain to white people...
823
00:44:45,474 --> 00:44:48,435
what Barack Obama meant to black people.
824
00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:51,647
See, we didn't like Barack
because he was black.
825
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:53,774
Okay, maybe we did,
but that's not the point.
826
00:44:55,317 --> 00:44:56,819
It was part of it, okay, but...
827
00:44:57,069 --> 00:45:01,407
We liked Barack because he was good
and he represented something for us.
828
00:45:01,532 --> 00:45:03,992
He symbolized something for black people.
829
00:45:04,076 --> 00:45:06,495
See, Barack Obama winning the presidency,
830
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:07,871
symbolized...
831
00:45:08,539 --> 00:45:09,623
for black people...
832
00:45:10,999 --> 00:45:14,878
the first time in the history
of us being in this country...
833
00:45:15,838 --> 00:45:17,172
that we felt like we won.
834
00:45:17,923 --> 00:45:21,385
After all we've been through.
Segregation, civil rights, slavery.
835
00:45:23,637 --> 00:45:25,931
And Barack Obama winning the presidency,
836
00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:29,309
was the first time we,
as black people,
837
00:45:29,393 --> 00:45:31,353
felt like we won.
838
00:45:34,314 --> 00:45:36,358
See, that and the OJ trial.
But see, we--
839
00:45:36,442 --> 00:45:37,276
we--
840
00:45:37,943 --> 00:45:40,863
we knew that nigga did it!
Oh, we knew that nigga did it!
841
00:45:40,946 --> 00:45:43,699
Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
842
00:45:44,366 --> 00:45:47,286
He killed them poor white people.
I'm so fucking sorry!
843
00:45:47,369 --> 00:45:48,871
He ain't shit!
844
00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:51,749
He ain't shit. That motherfucker!
845
00:45:52,249 --> 00:45:54,835
He killed them poor white--
He killed that little boy, too!
846
00:45:54,918 --> 00:45:56,044
He killed his ass!
847
00:45:56,211 --> 00:45:57,963
All that little boy wanted was some pussy!
848
00:45:58,046 --> 00:45:59,047
That's all.
849
00:46:08,223 --> 00:46:10,225
We just wanted to win.
850
00:46:11,226 --> 00:46:13,353
We just wanted to win.
851
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:18,984
And when Barack won,
I cried, my kids cried, my momma cried.
852
00:46:19,067 --> 00:46:22,112
Every black person cried
because you know what?
853
00:46:22,196 --> 00:46:25,574
We felt like a bunch of slaves
on a plantation
854
00:46:25,657 --> 00:46:28,118
that watched one brother get his freedom.
855
00:46:28,243 --> 00:46:30,954
We was like, "You better run, Barack!
856
00:46:32,706 --> 00:46:35,167
You better run!"
857
00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:40,297
♪ Whoa, my lord, lord, lord, lord ♪
858
00:46:53,519 --> 00:46:54,770
I need some water.
859
00:46:56,688 --> 00:46:58,690
Before I overheat like Wendy Williams.
860
00:46:59,024 --> 00:47:01,026
[audience laughs]
861
00:47:13,205 --> 00:47:14,873
It looked like God was fucking with her.
862
00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:17,125
Like,
"All them people you talk shit about.
863
00:47:18,544 --> 00:47:20,754
I'm fucking with you now.
Sit yo' ass--"
864
00:47:30,305 --> 00:47:31,682
You know what's crazy, man?
865
00:47:32,224 --> 00:47:34,017
Is, if I had one wish.
866
00:47:34,518 --> 00:47:36,812
I wish that we can erase hate.
867
00:47:37,813 --> 00:47:39,857
Because hate... hate...
868
00:47:40,232 --> 00:47:41,817
It's killing us as people.
869
00:47:43,986 --> 00:47:47,656
How do you erase hate, man?
Because hate creates racism.
870
00:47:47,739 --> 00:47:49,908
Hate creates fear.
871
00:47:49,992 --> 00:47:51,451
It creates prejudice.
872
00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:55,497
And now it's going from racism
and it's transforming.
873
00:47:55,622 --> 00:47:57,249
And now we have gaycism.
874
00:47:57,332 --> 00:48:00,961
We have people hating on people
because of their sexuality.
875
00:48:01,044 --> 00:48:04,673
Come on, people. How small-hearted are we?
What the fuck is going on?
876
00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:08,886
I don't think you judge a man
for his race, his creed, his color,
877
00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:11,346
their religion,
their political background,
878
00:48:11,430 --> 00:48:13,348
their financial status,
879
00:48:13,432 --> 00:48:14,766
their sexuality,
880
00:48:14,850 --> 00:48:17,728
the diameter of their asshole,
who gives a fuck?
881
00:48:19,688 --> 00:48:22,107
Here's my take on gay people.
882
00:48:22,232 --> 00:48:23,442
Let's keep it real.
883
00:48:23,817 --> 00:48:25,110
Do you!
884
00:48:26,236 --> 00:48:27,946
Do you!
885
00:48:28,822 --> 00:48:31,116
Just don't do me!
886
00:48:36,705 --> 00:48:38,874
You know what I think gay people need,
that really want they equality?
887
00:48:38,957 --> 00:48:40,459
That really want they civil rights?
888
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:43,378
I think they need
a gay civil rights leader.
889
00:48:43,879 --> 00:48:46,048
Yeah. They need,
like, a Martin Luther King...
890
00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:48,216
but a gay one.
891
00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:52,804
They need Martin Luther Queen.
892
00:48:55,641 --> 00:48:58,685
You know, Martin Luther Queen come out.
He's a dignified brother, right?
893
00:48:58,769 --> 00:49:00,395
He got on a suit and tie.
894
00:49:00,979 --> 00:49:03,649
But he got this shit turned up right here,
like, "Hi...
895
00:49:04,358 --> 00:49:06,234
Hi..."
896
00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:12,157
He got his own personalized microphone.
It got little balls on it.
897
00:49:15,243 --> 00:49:18,914
And he comes out and he does his version
of the famous "I had a dream" speech,
898
00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:19,831
but the gay version.
899
00:49:19,915 --> 00:49:20,916
He's like...
900
00:49:31,510 --> 00:49:32,844
"I...
901
00:49:32,928 --> 00:49:35,555
had a dream...
902
00:49:35,639 --> 00:49:36,974
girl.
903
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:40,978
I had a dream...
904
00:49:41,061 --> 00:49:43,063
that one day, one day...
905
00:49:43,146 --> 00:49:45,148
black boys-- Hey...
906
00:49:48,694 --> 00:49:50,445
Little white boys--
907
00:49:50,696 --> 00:49:53,824
I help you with the swirl. Hey...
908
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,868
Little Hispanic boys--
909
00:49:57,661 --> 00:49:59,204
Or as I like to call you, papitos.
910
00:50:00,205 --> 00:50:02,207
Hey...
911
00:50:02,874 --> 00:50:04,710
Hey, papitos.
912
00:50:11,425 --> 00:50:12,843
I had a dream...
913
00:50:12,926 --> 00:50:16,847
that we could all sit
at a table as a group of brethren.
914
00:50:18,390 --> 00:50:20,934
Just brethren. No fish allowed. Pew.
915
00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:23,937
Pew.
916
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:31,445
I had a dream that we can have
the same marital rights as straights do.
917
00:50:31,528 --> 00:50:34,781
Yes, that gays can get married. Hey...
918
00:50:34,865 --> 00:50:37,242
Gays can get divorced. Ya...
919
00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:40,454
And we can take half
of somebody else's shit
920
00:50:40,537 --> 00:50:42,664
that don't deserve it. Hey...
921
00:50:43,665 --> 00:50:45,751
Yas...
922
00:50:49,629 --> 00:50:51,757
I had a dream...
923
00:50:53,550 --> 00:50:56,970
that we could fight side by side
in the military...
924
00:50:57,929 --> 00:50:59,306
with our brothers
925
00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:01,767
in the foxholes...
926
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:05,187
Way deep...
927
00:51:06,938 --> 00:51:09,357
in them little foxholes.
928
00:51:10,317 --> 00:51:14,654
We all nuzzled together
inside those little foxholes...
929
00:51:18,742 --> 00:51:20,952
'Scuse me.
This dream just got a little bit wet.
930
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:30,879
I had a dream...
931
00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:36,134
I had a dream that we could change
our small-minded military slogan
932
00:51:36,218 --> 00:51:38,345
from 'don't ask, don't tell,'
933
00:51:38,595 --> 00:51:41,264
but to, 'who cares,
mind your fucking business.'
934
00:51:43,725 --> 00:51:46,353
So, let us all join hands,
you let us all join hands,
935
00:51:46,436 --> 00:51:47,813
and you let freedom ring.
936
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:51,358
You let freedom ring through the chilly,
gay streets of San Francisco.
937
00:51:51,441 --> 00:51:53,151
You let freedom ring
938
00:51:53,235 --> 00:51:55,821
through the dirty streets
of New York City,
939
00:51:55,904 --> 00:51:58,740
filled with all them cute,
little Hispanic boys.
940
00:51:59,825 --> 00:52:04,329
I see you, Jose and Juan,
and I raise you a Julio.
941
00:52:06,998 --> 00:52:09,626
You let freedom ring,
you let freedom ring
942
00:52:09,709 --> 00:52:12,921
through the segregated bathrooms
of North Carolina.
943
00:52:13,046 --> 00:52:16,216
Who cares if you're transgender
or if you're a female,
944
00:52:16,299 --> 00:52:19,594
as long as you don't piss all
over the toilet seats.
945
00:52:20,262 --> 00:52:22,848
And you wipe front to back.
946
00:52:25,851 --> 00:52:27,435
Or is it back to front?
947
00:52:28,687 --> 00:52:29,896
-Front to back?
-Yeah.
948
00:52:29,980 --> 00:52:32,399
Front to back, yes.
The other way is a little bit messy.
949
00:52:35,026 --> 00:52:38,071
You let freedom ring, you let freedom ring
950
00:52:38,155 --> 00:52:41,867
through the dark closets
of Hollywood, California.
951
00:52:41,950 --> 00:52:45,453
Those dark closets,
hiding all the scared, little boys
952
00:52:45,537 --> 00:52:48,498
who's afraid to come out,
afraid to be bullied,
953
00:52:48,582 --> 00:52:52,252
afraid to be judged,
afraid not to be accepted...
954
00:52:53,211 --> 00:52:56,006
afraid to be touched by Kevin Spacey.
955
00:52:58,592 --> 00:52:59,593
Too soon?
956
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:03,889
That's what the little boy said.
957
00:53:06,850 --> 00:53:11,563
And you let us all join hands
and let us all sing the old, gay anthem.
958
00:53:12,731 --> 00:53:14,858
Free that ass, free that ass,
959
00:53:14,941 --> 00:53:18,486
thank God all mighty,
we done freed that ass."
960
00:53:24,451 --> 00:53:27,329
See, this shit that I'm preaching,
I'm not just preaching,
961
00:53:27,412 --> 00:53:28,455
I'm living.
962
00:53:28,663 --> 00:53:30,457
And I'm trying to grow
and I'm trying to evolve.
963
00:53:30,540 --> 00:53:33,710
And I'm trying and that shit is hard
for people to digest.
964
00:53:33,793 --> 00:53:36,004
Hard for any human being to digest.
965
00:53:36,588 --> 00:53:40,550
But when it comes home to your house,
that's when shit changes, man.
966
00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:41,635
See, me...
967
00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:43,637
I'mma tell y'all a real story, okay?
968
00:53:43,720 --> 00:53:44,679
Real story.
969
00:53:45,138 --> 00:53:47,807
My daughter came to me at 15 years old.
970
00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:48,975
She's 17 now.
971
00:53:50,018 --> 00:53:52,145
Wonderful girl. She comes to me,
she goes, "Dad...
972
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:54,898
I kissed a girl...
973
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:56,900
and I think I liked it."
974
00:53:57,901 --> 00:54:00,278
And I said, "Oh, shit, bitch.
That-- What the--"
975
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:04,157
No, 'cause
that's my little nickname for her.
976
00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:05,867
She little bitch. I'm a big bitch.
977
00:54:06,201 --> 00:54:08,620
I got the little t-shirts,
"Big bitch, little bitch."
978
00:54:09,746 --> 00:54:11,957
But you know,
when she first hit me with the news,
979
00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:13,541
I was like, "That's how you gonna
break the news to me?
980
00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:15,210
You gonna tell me in the form of a song?
981
00:54:15,293 --> 00:54:17,337
♪ I kissed a girl
And I think I liked it? ♪
982
00:54:17,420 --> 00:54:18,797
Is that the new shit kids are doing?
983
00:54:18,880 --> 00:54:20,090
"Hey, Dad, I'm fucking up at school."
984
00:54:20,173 --> 00:54:21,007
"What happened?"
985
00:54:21,091 --> 00:54:23,218
♪ I fucked up the commas
I fucked up the commas, yeah ♪
986
00:54:25,136 --> 00:54:27,138
So I said, you know, I said,
"Okay, baby girl."
987
00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:30,934
I said, "Well, you know,
this is your first sexual experience.
988
00:54:31,017 --> 00:54:31,893
Right?
989
00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:33,979
Hey, nigga, right?"
990
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,732
She said, "Umm... yeah.
It's my first sexual--
991
00:54:37,816 --> 00:54:41,695
I said, "Man, that sounds shady
as fuck to me."
992
00:54:43,196 --> 00:54:45,865
I said, "Listen, baby girl."
I said, "You're 15 years old.
993
00:54:46,366 --> 00:54:50,578
You are entitled to experience things
and find your way.
994
00:54:50,662 --> 00:54:52,747
You know, you're a young kid and,
you know, who knows,
995
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:54,457
when you go to college,
you know, you may feel differently."
996
00:54:54,541 --> 00:54:56,501
And she stopped me. She said, "Dad...
997
00:54:57,544 --> 00:54:59,004
but what if I'm gay?"
998
00:55:00,964 --> 00:55:01,923
And I said...
999
00:55:04,342 --> 00:55:05,844
"Well, baby girl," I said...
1000
00:55:07,637 --> 00:55:08,930
"If you are gay,
1001
00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:12,183
and this is the life that you chose,
1002
00:55:12,642 --> 00:55:15,270
or better yet, the life that chose you.
1003
00:55:16,104 --> 00:55:19,274
Understand, you got
a tough road ahead of you.
1004
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:21,860
See, the world...
1005
00:55:23,194 --> 00:55:24,195
may judge you.
1006
00:55:25,113 --> 00:55:26,406
Some people will...
1007
00:55:27,365 --> 00:55:28,491
outcast you.
1008
00:55:29,117 --> 00:55:30,910
Some people gonna look at you funny.
1009
00:55:31,369 --> 00:55:33,621
Others will never accept you.
1010
00:55:34,539 --> 00:55:37,000
You are a quadruple minority.
1011
00:55:37,083 --> 00:55:41,046
You are a female, gay, black Wayans.
1012
00:55:43,381 --> 00:55:45,550
That's a tough, fucking life."
1013
00:55:46,259 --> 00:55:47,135
But I said,
1014
00:55:47,510 --> 00:55:49,929
"That's out there.
They're going to judge you.
1015
00:55:51,639 --> 00:55:53,767
But, baby girl,
when you walk into this home."
1016
00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:56,144
I said, "You're gonna get nothing
but love,
1017
00:55:56,936 --> 00:55:57,771
respect,
1018
00:55:58,229 --> 00:56:01,024
and unconditional embraces
from me 'cause I love you."
1019
00:56:07,113 --> 00:56:09,199
But you got to try a dick, right?
1020
00:56:11,618 --> 00:56:12,494
You got to--
1021
00:56:12,577 --> 00:56:14,829
You got to try a dick, right?
1022
00:56:15,038 --> 00:56:18,124
Just a, you know, one dick.
Like, you know, just accidentally,
1023
00:56:18,208 --> 00:56:19,042
like fall--
1024
00:56:20,710 --> 00:56:22,253
Or just let a dick hit you in the head.
1025
00:56:23,004 --> 00:56:26,257
Look, girl, you got to try the dick,
you know?
1026
00:56:26,341 --> 00:56:29,260
Like, not right now
'cause you're only 15 years old,
1027
00:56:29,344 --> 00:56:31,805
but when you get,
like 17, 18... Prom night.
1028
00:56:32,138 --> 00:56:33,181
Try a dick!
1029
00:56:33,973 --> 00:56:37,977
And don't try a 17-year-old dick
'cause that's going to be quick and bad
1030
00:56:38,061 --> 00:56:40,188
and you may be like,
"Fuck him. Bitches for life."
1031
00:56:42,941 --> 00:56:44,734
Go get you a nice, seasoned dick.
1032
00:56:44,818 --> 00:56:48,363
You know? Go get you a nice,
22-year-old grad school dick.
1033
00:56:48,446 --> 00:56:50,323
You know what I mean?
Somebody that had a couple
1034
00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:51,950
of ill-advised pregnancies,
1035
00:56:52,033 --> 00:56:53,535
so his pull out game is good.
1036
00:56:53,618 --> 00:56:55,537
Keeps some Plan B in his pocket.
1037
00:56:55,620 --> 00:56:57,997
You know? Probably had a couple
of diseases already.
1038
00:56:58,081 --> 00:56:59,332
You know, it was cleared up,
1039
00:56:59,416 --> 00:57:01,126
but he's still got the bottle
of penicillin
1040
00:57:01,209 --> 00:57:03,711
'cause who ever finishes
all the penicillin, right?
1041
00:57:05,004 --> 00:57:06,923
But you got to try a dick,
and don't get no little,
1042
00:57:07,006 --> 00:57:09,884
stabby dick that feel
like a number two pencil you fucking.
1043
00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:11,761
And don't get no super, girthy dick
1044
00:57:11,845 --> 00:57:14,431
that look like
a goddamn Loch Ness Monster,
1045
00:57:14,514 --> 00:57:16,391
that be breathing on its own.
1046
00:57:16,474 --> 00:57:19,269
It's so big,
it feels like you're giving labor pains.
1047
00:57:19,352 --> 00:57:22,439
Every time you having sex with it,
it feels like you need an episiotomy
1048
00:57:22,522 --> 00:57:24,899
and an epidural
in order to enjoy the shit.
1049
00:57:24,983 --> 00:57:28,570
And don't get no little, weird,
uncircumcised dick. Don't get no...
1050
00:57:32,407 --> 00:57:35,368
One of them dick
that look like an anteater
1051
00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:37,203
or a Mr. Snuffleupagus.
1052
00:57:37,912 --> 00:57:42,208
And when you pull the skin back,
its all full of lint and cheese.
1053
00:57:44,043 --> 00:57:45,420
And it smell funny.
1054
00:57:45,503 --> 00:57:49,340
Like an old gym sock that's been left
in a locker room for two or three days.
1055
00:57:49,424 --> 00:57:51,176
And when you taste it,
it tastes bad,
1056
00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:53,178
like a bad shot of tequila.
1057
00:57:53,261 --> 00:57:55,597
You need some salt and a lime,
1058
00:57:55,889 --> 00:57:58,641
in order to get the fucking,
nasty-ass taste out your mouth.
1059
00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:00,393
You got to try a dick.
1060
00:58:04,564 --> 00:58:06,691
And I'mma tell you something,
when my daughter--
1061
00:58:06,774 --> 00:58:08,318
My daughter dated this girl,
1062
00:58:08,818 --> 00:58:11,404
and she wound up getting
a little heartbroken.
1063
00:58:12,030 --> 00:58:12,864
And...
1064
00:58:13,323 --> 00:58:15,658
it was hard because, you know,
this was a little white girl, too,
1065
00:58:15,742 --> 00:58:17,827
so she gave me a two for one, right?
1066
00:58:19,787 --> 00:58:22,499
But when your child is crying
on your shoulder
1067
00:58:22,582 --> 00:58:25,668
about some real tears,
about shit that's going on in her life.
1068
00:58:25,835 --> 00:58:29,464
It's not on me to judge her,
it's on me to love her.
1069
00:58:29,547 --> 00:58:33,468
So, I grabbed my baby, and I hugged her,
and let her know it was going to be okay.
1070
00:58:33,551 --> 00:58:35,970
And she was crying and snotting
on my brand new Gucci shirt,
1071
00:58:36,054 --> 00:58:38,056
I was mad about that,
but I was like fuck it.
1072
00:58:38,348 --> 00:58:40,683
I tried to console her
the best way I knew how.
1073
00:58:41,309 --> 00:58:44,395
You know, through the form of a song.
I said, "Hey, baby girl, you know...
1074
00:58:45,730 --> 00:58:47,941
♪ Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks ♪
1075
00:58:52,820 --> 00:58:54,072
But my son, right?
1076
00:58:54,155 --> 00:58:56,783
My son's getting older, man.
And he's so handsome.
1077
00:58:56,866 --> 00:58:59,827
You ever look at your kid, like,
"Nigga, look at how beautiful you are.
1078
00:58:59,911 --> 00:59:02,580
Look at my sperm.
Look at how beautiful you are."
1079
00:59:02,664 --> 00:59:05,750
I look at him, I shook my head,
I was like, "Nigga... you 15..."
1080
00:59:05,833 --> 00:59:07,794
I looked at him,
"Listen, man, you gonna get so much pussy
1081
00:59:07,877 --> 00:59:09,045
when you get older."
1082
00:59:09,837 --> 00:59:12,757
And I looked over at my daughter, I said,
"Don't worry, baby girl, you, too."
1083
00:59:14,926 --> 00:59:18,388
I know he's getting bigger, man,
you know, 'cause he keep coming up to me,
1084
00:59:18,471 --> 00:59:22,767
you know, and seeing how tall he is on me.
He be measuring, like, "Hey, Dad, look.
1085
00:59:22,850 --> 00:59:23,977
I'm almost your height."
1086
00:59:24,060 --> 00:59:26,771
I'll be looking at him, like,
"Nigga, I'll fuck you up."
1087
00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:30,858
No, no, no. See, 'cause little boys,
they wanna test they daddies.
1088
00:59:30,942 --> 00:59:33,444
See, that's the threshold
for a boy into his manhood.
1089
00:59:33,528 --> 00:59:35,488
It's: can I whoop my daddy's ass?
1090
00:59:35,572 --> 00:59:36,864
That makes you a man.
1091
00:59:36,948 --> 00:59:38,449
See, but I'm prepared for that shit.
1092
00:59:38,533 --> 00:59:41,119
That's why I never sent his ass to karate.
1093
00:59:42,537 --> 00:59:44,789
But see, little boys are going
to test they father.
1094
00:59:44,872 --> 00:59:48,042
And as a dad, all you want
to see is your child be great.
1095
00:59:48,751 --> 00:59:52,463
That's all you want,
to see your child be their greatest them.
1096
00:59:52,547 --> 00:59:55,758
And so my son, he was playing basketball,
and he's a great basketball player.
1097
00:59:55,842 --> 01:00:00,597
Yeah, he's so good.
And he was playing not so good one game.
1098
01:00:00,680 --> 01:00:03,141
And as a sports fan,
I did what I normally do
1099
01:00:03,224 --> 01:00:04,559
to a team that's sucking.
1100
01:00:04,642 --> 01:00:05,893
I heckled his ass.
1101
01:00:05,977 --> 01:00:07,312
"Hey, nigga, you suck!"
1102
01:00:07,395 --> 01:00:09,647
I'm like, "Hey, hey. What you doing?"
1103
01:00:09,731 --> 01:00:12,900
He goes, "Dad, listen,
I can't play great every night."
1104
01:00:13,776 --> 01:00:15,820
I said, "Motherfucker,"
1105
01:00:16,821 --> 01:00:18,406
That's my little nickname for him.
1106
01:00:18,489 --> 01:00:20,783
He little motherfucker,
I'm big motherfucker.
1107
01:00:20,867 --> 01:00:23,536
I got t-shirts,
"Big motherfucker, little motherfucker."
1108
01:00:23,786 --> 01:00:24,621
And, so my son--
1109
01:00:24,704 --> 01:00:26,331
I said,
"You can't play great every night?"
1110
01:00:26,414 --> 01:00:30,418
I said, "Boy, if I didn't play great
every night, you wouldn't have food,
1111
01:00:30,501 --> 01:00:33,046
and nutrition in your stomach
to be able to run up
1112
01:00:33,129 --> 01:00:35,548
and down this goddamn basketball court.
1113
01:00:35,798 --> 01:00:38,301
If I didn't play great every night,
you wouldn't have no goddamn,
1114
01:00:38,384 --> 01:00:39,636
good sneakers on your feet
1115
01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:40,803
that make this noise,
1116
01:00:40,887 --> 01:00:42,889
[shoes squeak]
1117
01:00:42,972 --> 01:00:46,768
so that you can play some damn defense,
of which your ass ain't playing."
1118
01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:51,147
He goes, "But, Dad, come on,
this is basketball. It ain't work."
1119
01:00:51,230 --> 01:00:54,817
I said, "Motherfucker, life is work."
1120
01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:57,737
I said, "I've been working
since I was six years old, man.
1121
01:00:57,820 --> 01:00:59,280
What do you think I'm doing
out here on the road?
1122
01:00:59,364 --> 01:01:04,327
I write, I produce, I act, I do movies,
I do TV, I do standup."
1123
01:01:04,410 --> 01:01:07,413
I said, "If I was a slave,
they'd give me a fucking raise.
1124
01:01:08,706 --> 01:01:10,583
So, don't give me that,
'Dad, it's not work.'
1125
01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:11,834
No, work starts now.
1126
01:01:11,918 --> 01:01:14,003
You are a young man. Learn to work.
1127
01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:16,673
And let me tell you something, boy.
You got two jobs.
1128
01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:18,216
You got two jobs.
1129
01:01:18,299 --> 01:01:19,217
You got...
1130
01:01:19,509 --> 01:01:20,426
school.
1131
01:01:20,802 --> 01:01:22,053
And you got basketball.
1132
01:01:22,804 --> 01:01:24,138
Well, let me tell you something,
motherfucker,
1133
01:01:24,222 --> 01:01:25,890
you fucking up in school.
1134
01:01:28,267 --> 01:01:30,645
So, the least your stupid ass can do
is go out there
1135
01:01:30,728 --> 01:01:32,480
and play some goddamn basketball."
1136
01:01:34,649 --> 01:01:36,734
And my son got up all tough, like,
1137
01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:37,652
"I said."
1138
01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:42,407
He looked at me, he walked away,
balled his fists.
1139
01:01:42,490 --> 01:01:43,908
I said, "What, Shawn?"
I said, "What?"
1140
01:01:43,991 --> 01:01:45,660
I said, "What, Shawn?
You wanna curse at me?
1141
01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:46,828
He said...
1142
01:01:47,036 --> 01:01:49,539
I said, "You wanna curse at me?
I'll tell you what.
1143
01:01:49,956 --> 01:01:52,041
You go out there and you score 40 points.
1144
01:01:52,125 --> 01:01:54,252
You can come back here,
you can look me in my face and go,
1145
01:01:54,335 --> 01:01:56,129
'Hey, Dad, fuck you!'
1146
01:01:57,255 --> 01:01:58,965
I ain't talking about no little,
soft 'fuck you.'
1147
01:01:59,048 --> 01:02:00,717
I want you to look me in my eyes,
1148
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:03,636
I want that Daffy Duck,
'you're despicable' spit
1149
01:02:03,720 --> 01:02:05,138
all over my face.
1150
01:02:05,221 --> 01:02:07,098
I want your bottom lip
to hit your chest
1151
01:02:07,181 --> 01:02:09,726
when you go, 'Hey, Dad, fuck you!'
1152
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:11,644
He said, "A'ight."
1153
01:02:11,728 --> 01:02:12,562
I said, "Yeah, a'ight."
1154
01:02:12,645 --> 01:02:13,521
He said, "A'ight."
1155
01:02:13,604 --> 01:02:14,856
I said, "Yeah, nigga, a'ight."
1156
01:02:17,734 --> 01:02:22,113
Do you know that in a matter
of 14 minutes and 58 seconds,
1157
01:02:22,196 --> 01:02:25,491
this boy went out there
and scored 38 points?
1158
01:02:25,575 --> 01:02:28,327
I have never seen no shit like this.
1159
01:02:29,078 --> 01:02:31,956
He played so good, I was like,
I want a DNA test.
1160
01:02:32,415 --> 01:02:34,751
Steph Curry come get your fucking baby.
1161
01:02:35,460 --> 01:02:37,128
He played amazing.
1162
01:02:37,211 --> 01:02:39,380
And he gets fouled.
He brought his team back
1163
01:02:39,464 --> 01:02:41,215
from a 30 point deficit.
1164
01:02:41,424 --> 01:02:42,592
He gets fouled.
1165
01:02:42,717 --> 01:02:44,635
There's two seconds left on the clock.
1166
01:02:44,719 --> 01:02:45,928
He goes to the line.
1167
01:02:46,345 --> 01:02:47,764
He has 38 points.
1168
01:02:52,518 --> 01:02:53,478
39.
1169
01:02:55,354 --> 01:02:56,272
They're down one.
1170
01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:00,610
He looks at me.
1171
01:03:10,244 --> 01:03:12,747
He closes his eyes,
little, cocky motherfucker.
1172
01:03:15,500 --> 01:03:16,834
The perfect precision.
1173
01:03:36,604 --> 01:03:37,897
He misses the shot.
1174
01:03:37,980 --> 01:03:38,940
[imitates buzzer]
1175
01:03:39,023 --> 01:03:40,066
Clock goes off.
1176
01:03:40,149 --> 01:03:44,028
They lose by one. I am so happy.
1177
01:03:46,697 --> 01:03:49,992
I'm not happy because he missed the shot.
1178
01:03:51,202 --> 01:03:53,621
I was happy, man, because as a father,
1179
01:03:54,539 --> 01:03:56,582
that I seen the greatness in my child.
1180
01:03:57,333 --> 01:04:00,461
That I seen the great
that I knew he could be since birth.
1181
01:04:00,545 --> 01:04:02,463
That we're raising kings and queens,
1182
01:04:02,547 --> 01:04:04,882
and they're better than us.
They love harder, they live harder,
1183
01:04:04,966 --> 01:04:06,676
they're better than us.
1184
01:04:06,759 --> 01:04:08,678
And you know something beautiful y'all?
1185
01:04:09,178 --> 01:04:13,266
That my kids have never
been called a nigger in their life.
1186
01:04:16,143 --> 01:04:18,479
Except for by me,
but see I got a nigga pass,
1187
01:04:18,563 --> 01:04:20,064
I can do that type of shit.
1188
01:04:20,523 --> 01:04:23,901
And so my son, I was so proud.
I went over to him...
1189
01:04:24,110 --> 01:04:25,695
And I just couldn't hold back
my excitement.
1190
01:04:25,778 --> 01:04:27,905
I said, "See, now
that's how you 'posed to shoot.
1191
01:04:27,989 --> 01:04:29,740
I felt like Will Smith in Bad Boys.
1192
01:04:29,824 --> 01:04:32,326
I was like,
"That's how you 'posed to shoot!
1193
01:04:32,410 --> 01:04:34,620
That's how you 'posed to shoot!"
1194
01:04:35,121 --> 01:04:37,665
But I said, "Son,
why didn't you score 40?"
1195
01:04:37,999 --> 01:04:39,417
He looked at me, said...
1196
01:04:42,837 --> 01:04:45,381
"Because I didn't want
to say 'fuck you' to you, Dad."
1197
01:04:49,218 --> 01:04:51,637
I said, "You stupid motherfucker.
1198
01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:53,556
You lost the goddamn game."
1199
01:04:53,639 --> 01:04:55,349
I love y'all! Thank y'all so much!
1200
01:04:55,433 --> 01:04:57,435
[crowd cheers]
91217
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
