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1
00:00:14,999 --> 00:00:17,997
First thing, wake up,
keurig's broken.
2
00:00:17,999 --> 00:00:19,997
- Ugh.
- No coffee. Yeah.
3
00:00:19,999 --> 00:00:22,997
So I drive to Starbucks,
'cause I can't function.
4
00:00:22,999 --> 00:00:23,997
I get out of the car,
5
00:00:23,999 --> 00:00:26,997
phone flies off of my lap
onto the asphalt...
6
00:00:26,999 --> 00:00:27,997
Screen cracks.
7
00:00:27,999 --> 00:00:29,997
Oh, no!
8
00:00:29,999 --> 00:00:31,997
I'm staring at the crack,
pissed as shit,
9
00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:34,997
'cause I just got the new 5S
and the new plan.
10
00:00:34,999 --> 00:00:36,997
Take that shit back.
Tell 'em that it came that way.
11
00:00:36,999 --> 00:00:39,997
Yeah, they might replace it
if you get the right genius.
12
00:00:39,999 --> 00:00:41,997
Of course, what do I notice?
13
00:00:41,999 --> 00:00:42,997
This isn't even a part
of the story.
14
00:00:42,999 --> 00:00:43,997
One of my apps is missing.
15
00:00:43,999 --> 00:00:45,997
The icon from the home screen.
16
00:00:45,999 --> 00:00:47,997
Somehow I deleted it.
- Yeah, butt-deleted.
17
00:00:47,999 --> 00:00:49,997
Only I don't know
which one's gone,
18
00:00:49,999 --> 00:00:52,997
'cause it's gone,
and I won't figure it out.
19
00:00:52,999 --> 00:00:54,997
Until you need to use it.
I fucking hate that.
20
00:00:54,999 --> 00:00:56,997
Fucking hate!
21
00:00:56,999 --> 00:00:58,997
So, now, it gets better.
22
00:00:58,999 --> 00:01:01,997
I order at Starbucks,
and they ask my name.
23
00:01:01,999 --> 00:01:04,997
No one ever hears
my name right.
24
00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:05,997
Ainsley.
No one ever gets that.
25
00:01:05,999 --> 00:01:08,997
So I say "Jim,"
and he writes "Jim" on the cup.
26
00:01:08,999 --> 00:01:12,997
Only now my coffee's ready,
and they call out "Jim."
27
00:01:12,999 --> 00:01:14,997
I've forgotten I'm Jim.
28
00:01:14,999 --> 00:01:17,997
Which wouldn't be a problem.
- Let me guess.
29
00:01:17,999 --> 00:01:18,997
- Another fucking Jim.
- Ugh!
30
00:01:18,999 --> 00:01:20,997
Asshole walks off
with my soy chai latte,
31
00:01:20,999 --> 00:01:23,997
and I end up with his
whole milk whatever the fuck.
32
00:01:23,999 --> 00:01:25,997
But, of course,
I don't realize it
33
00:01:25,999 --> 00:01:27,997
till I'm back in the car and
I'm 2/3rds through the venti,
34
00:01:27,999 --> 00:01:29,997
thinking this tastes
a little different.
35
00:01:29,999 --> 00:01:31,997
- And aren't you...
- Lactose intolerant!
36
00:01:31,999 --> 00:01:36,997
Yes, and so now I finished
a venti of cow's milk.
37
00:01:36,999 --> 00:01:39,997
So I pull into walgreens
for some lactaid
38
00:01:39,999 --> 00:01:40,997
so I don't get diarrhea.
39
00:01:40,999 --> 00:01:43,997
'Cause that's
what dairy gives me... diarrhea.
40
00:01:43,999 --> 00:01:45,997
Mm.
- Oh, my freakin' God.
41
00:01:45,999 --> 00:01:47,997
So have you...
42
00:01:47,999 --> 00:01:48,997
No, I still
haven't shit my pants.
43
00:01:48,999 --> 00:01:51,997
- Yay!
- Genius of lactaid.
44
00:01:51,999 --> 00:01:54,997
But the day ain't over yet,
Sheila.
45
00:01:54,999 --> 00:01:56,997
- Oh, bless your heart.
- Mm-hmm.
46
00:01:56,999 --> 00:01:59,997
I know, I know.
#firstworldproblems.
47
00:01:59,999 --> 00:02:02,997
Some poor soul's
actually suffering out there.
48
00:02:02,999 --> 00:02:04,957
Mmmmm.
Don't do that.
49
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:05,997
It is okay for you
to be irritated.
50
00:02:05,999 --> 00:02:07,997
Really?
51
00:02:07,999 --> 00:02:09,997
Ainsley, we are used to
the life that we're used to.
52
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:10,997
- Oh!
- You're allowed to be annoyed.
53
00:02:10,999 --> 00:02:11,997
Good God.
54
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,997
Lunch.
All right.
55
00:02:13,999 --> 00:02:15,997
Okay, Sheila.
- Thank you.
56
00:02:15,999 --> 00:02:19,997
Assaaahss...
57
00:02:19,999 --> 00:02:21,997
It's mine!
58
00:02:21,999 --> 00:02:24,997
Can I interest you two
in a dessert of some sort?
59
00:02:24,999 --> 00:02:27,997
I already hit up
a vending machine.
60
00:02:27,999 --> 00:02:30,997
On the lactaid.
Figured, why not a twinkie?
61
00:02:30,999 --> 00:02:32,997
You little fat ass. I love it.
62
00:02:32,999 --> 00:02:35,997
Can't remember the last time
I had a twinkie.
63
00:02:35,999 --> 00:02:37,957
Shut the fuck up.
64
00:02:37,959 --> 00:02:39,997
Pickles in the tuna fish?
65
00:02:39,999 --> 00:02:41,997
You don't take the pickle?
66
00:02:41,999 --> 00:02:42,997
I
67
00:02:42,999 --> 00:02:45,997
Pickles make everything else
taste like pickles.
68
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:46,997
- I specifically asked...
- He did.
69
00:02:46,999 --> 00:02:50,081
Could this day
possibly get any worse?
70
00:02:50,083 --> 00:02:52,997
You know what they say
about zombie attacks.
71
00:02:52,999 --> 00:02:54,997
You always remember
your first time.
72
00:02:54,999 --> 00:02:56,997
Any guesses who's gonna
survive this one?
73
00:02:56,999 --> 00:02:58,999
Choose fast.
74
00:03:03,999 --> 00:03:05,999
Hey!
75
00:03:13,999 --> 00:03:15,997
Maybe you would've chosen
the sandwich guy
76
00:03:15,999 --> 00:03:17,999
if you knew
where this scene took place...
77
00:03:22,999 --> 00:03:24,997
A little state called Florida.
78
00:03:24,999 --> 00:03:27,997
A little town called...
79
00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:30,999
Tallahassee.
80
00:03:39,999 --> 00:03:41,997
Welcome...
81
00:03:41,999 --> 00:03:43,278
To Zombieland.
82
00:03:43,298 --> 00:03:44,974
Subtitle by: Abraham Christen Liando
83
00:03:44,999 --> 00:03:47,997
Z-land is like a greatest hits
collection of nightmares.
84
00:03:47,999 --> 00:03:51,997
The only one not included is the one
where I'm naked for my final exam.
85
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:55,997
A deadly virus has made off
with everyone's brains.
86
00:03:55,999 --> 00:03:59,997
My friends and I are
among the few non-zombies left,
87
00:03:59,999 --> 00:04:02,997
thanks to a little list.
88
00:04:02,999 --> 00:04:03,997
Cardio...
89
00:04:03,999 --> 00:04:05,997
Tops all my rules
for surviving Zombieland.
90
00:04:05,999 --> 00:04:08,997
Zombies lead
a very active lifestyle.
91
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:09,997
So should you.
92
00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:12,997
Never know when you're gonna be
running for your life...
93
00:04:12,999 --> 00:04:14,999
Or some other
almost-as-important reason.
94
00:04:15,999 --> 00:04:18,999
Here's to enjoying
the little things.
95
00:04:21,999 --> 00:04:23,997
Happy fourth of July.
96
00:04:23,999 --> 00:04:26,997
Who's telling him
it's mid-June?
97
00:04:26,999 --> 00:04:29,997
I'm Columbus.
Not my real name.
98
00:04:29,999 --> 00:04:31,997
In Zombieland,
we go by the cities we're from.
99
00:04:31,999 --> 00:04:33,997
Tallahassee's idea.
100
00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:36,997
Keeps us from getting
too attached.
101
00:04:36,999 --> 00:04:37,997
That's Wichita.
102
00:04:37,999 --> 00:04:40,997
I love her,
but she's put up more walls
103
00:04:40,999 --> 00:04:42,997
than a north Korean chain gang.
104
00:04:42,999 --> 00:04:46,997
Her kid sister Little Rock, after all
she's seen, trying hard to stay a kid.
105
00:04:46,999 --> 00:04:48,997
And finally,
the floridian himself,
106
00:04:48,999 --> 00:04:51,997
a zombie-killing,
us-annoying legend.
107
00:04:51,999 --> 00:04:55,997
All right,
here comes the big finale.
108
00:04:55,999 --> 00:04:57,999
Whoo-hoo hoo!
109
00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:01,997
Yeah! Whoo!
110
00:05:01,999 --> 00:05:03,997
Whoo! Look at that!
111
00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:06,997
I did that!
Ah!
112
00:05:06,999 --> 00:05:08,997
Perfect.
113
00:05:08,999 --> 00:05:12,997
I don't know.
It was missing something.
114
00:05:12,999 --> 00:05:15,997
It's George Washington's
birthday.
115
00:05:15,999 --> 00:05:18,707
Our tongues are red, white, and
blue from eating bullet pops.
116
00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,997
I just blew up
an entire fireworks factory.
117
00:05:20,999 --> 00:05:22,997
What could possibly be missing?
118
00:05:22,999 --> 00:05:23,997
Your frontal lobe?
119
00:05:23,999 --> 00:05:26,997
Are we just letting the
"Washington's birthday" thing go?
120
00:05:26,999 --> 00:05:28,997
Maybe he was born on June 17th.
121
00:05:28,999 --> 00:05:30,997
Answer me.
122
00:05:30,999 --> 00:05:32,997
What's missing?
123
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:36,997
Can't you hear?
124
00:05:36,999 --> 00:05:38,997
All of a sudden, I knew.
125
00:05:38,999 --> 00:05:42,997
It wasn't what we could hear.
126
00:05:42,999 --> 00:05:44,997
It was what we couldn't.
127
00:05:44,999 --> 00:05:48,624
The "oohs" and "ahhs"
of a crowd,
128
00:05:48,626 --> 00:05:52,997
the laughter of friends,
the chatter of children.
129
00:05:52,999 --> 00:05:55,997
People.
130
00:05:55,999 --> 00:05:57,997
People.
131
00:05:57,999 --> 00:06:02,999
What good is fun if there's
no one to share it with?
132
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,997
Look, I'm just saying
that she's right.
133
00:06:07,999 --> 00:06:09,997
I mean, we've been wandering
around L.A. for what,
134
00:06:09,999 --> 00:06:11,997
a month now, and...
135
00:06:11,999 --> 00:06:14,997
We need to think
about our future, okay?
136
00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:15,997
Humanity's future.
137
00:06:15,999 --> 00:06:18,997
I mean, there is no future
without people.
138
00:06:18,999 --> 00:06:21,997
Tell him what we think
about people.
139
00:06:21,999 --> 00:06:22,997
Go on, tell him.
140
00:06:22,999 --> 00:06:25,997
- People suck.
- People suck.
141
00:06:25,999 --> 00:06:27,997
What is so great about people?
142
00:06:27,999 --> 00:06:30,997
They're responsible for everything
bad that's ever happened to anyone.
143
00:06:30,999 --> 00:06:32,997
- Okay, that's not true, though.
- He's right.
144
00:06:32,999 --> 00:06:34,997
Shark attacks.
- Tsunamis.
145
00:06:34,999 --> 00:06:37,997
Slavery, World War ii,
the inquisition.
146
00:06:37,999 --> 00:06:39,997
- Head lice.
- Oh! I once had head lice.
147
00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:41,997
Though I got it
from a girlfriend.
148
00:06:41,999 --> 00:06:43,997
She was technically a person.
149
00:06:43,999 --> 00:06:44,997
Sorry.
- That's okay.
150
00:06:44,999 --> 00:06:46,997
We prefer you on her side
of the argument.
151
00:06:46,999 --> 00:06:48,997
Look, I know
that you're skeptical, but...
152
00:06:48,999 --> 00:06:51,997
Okay, haven't you ever heard that
saying, "it takes a village"?
153
00:06:51,999 --> 00:06:53,540
"It takes a village."
154
00:06:53,542 --> 00:06:55,997
Nope, I don't think
I've ever heard that saying.
155
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:56,999
Ugh.
156
00:06:58,999 --> 00:07:01,997
And where are we gonna find
this village?
157
00:07:01,999 --> 00:07:03,997
Onstar.
How can I help you?
158
00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:05,997
Detroit.
Tallahassee.
159
00:07:05,999 --> 00:07:08,997
Tally, sweet pea.
Happy slap.
160
00:07:08,999 --> 00:07:10,997
I miss you kids!
161
00:07:10,999 --> 00:07:12,997
You don't write.
You don't call.
162
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:14,997
How you doing, baby?
- Better now.
163
00:07:14,999 --> 00:07:15,997
Quit!
164
00:07:15,999 --> 00:07:17,997
You float my boat, beautiful.
165
00:07:17,999 --> 00:07:19,999
I tell you,
when I hear your voice, mm!
166
00:07:20,999 --> 00:07:22,997
And you put the awesome
in my blossom.
167
00:07:22,999 --> 00:07:25,997
Meet Detroit,
the badass ex-onstar operator
168
00:07:25,999 --> 00:07:27,997
who's now the guardian angel
of Zombieland,
169
00:07:27,999 --> 00:07:30,997
- our eye in the sky.
- Whatcha need, cuddle cakes?
170
00:07:30,999 --> 00:07:32,997
We were hoping that
you might be able to lead us
171
00:07:32,999 --> 00:07:33,997
to other survivors.
172
00:07:33,999 --> 00:07:35,997
Then you've come to
the right roadside assistant.
173
00:07:35,999 --> 00:07:38,997
Sitting down?
Silly question.
174
00:07:38,999 --> 00:07:40,997
I just found
a big safe community
175
00:07:40,999 --> 00:07:41,997
on the eastern seaboard.
176
00:07:41,999 --> 00:07:44,997
Fishers island, New York,
to be exact... zombie-free.
177
00:07:44,999 --> 00:07:46,997
See?
178
00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:50,123
- Gosh, it would be so nice to put down
some roots and call someplace...
- Home.
179
00:07:50,125 --> 00:07:51,997
Magic word.
180
00:07:51,999 --> 00:07:56,997
Ever since I found a family, all I've
ever wanted to be, to feel is home.
181
00:07:56,999 --> 00:07:59,997
Where we come from,
home is a four-letter word.
182
00:07:59,999 --> 00:08:03,997
You wanna go across the country to find
some community you know nothing about?
183
00:08:03,999 --> 00:08:05,997
That's the kind of stupid
you have rules for.
184
00:08:05,999 --> 00:08:08,997
For once,
your big sis may be right.
185
00:08:08,999 --> 00:08:12,997
And the east coast
is 50,000 miles away.
186
00:08:12,999 --> 00:08:13,997
Ish.
187
00:08:13,999 --> 00:08:16,997
With a lot of
mindless meat lovers in between.
188
00:08:16,999 --> 00:08:18,997
Okay, well, maybe we don't
have to find a village.
189
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,997
Maybe we can found one.
You know, we can start it up.
190
00:08:20,999 --> 00:08:22,997
We can gather our own people.
191
00:08:22,999 --> 00:08:24,997
Why couldn't we start
a community?
192
00:08:24,999 --> 00:08:27,997
Survivors are few,
but they're out there.
193
00:08:27,999 --> 00:08:30,997
Let's see.
Bingo!
194
00:08:30,999 --> 00:08:32,997
Corner of venice and grand.
195
00:08:32,999 --> 00:08:34,997
Rule number 33...
196
00:08:34,999 --> 00:08:38,997
Good luck, God bless,
and thank you for using onstar.
197
00:08:38,999 --> 00:08:40,997
Okay, so it's settled.
198
00:08:40,999 --> 00:08:42,997
People.
199
00:08:42,999 --> 00:08:44,997
Three against one.
200
00:08:44,999 --> 00:08:47,999
Whatever.
201
00:09:03,999 --> 00:09:05,997
Zombie kill of the week?
202
00:09:05,999 --> 00:09:07,997
Week's not over yet.
203
00:09:07,999 --> 00:09:08,997
Morning!
204
00:09:08,999 --> 00:09:10,997
Morning!
205
00:09:10,999 --> 00:09:12,997
Could use a little company.
206
00:09:12,999 --> 00:09:14,999
Join us?
- Marvelous.
207
00:09:15,999 --> 00:09:17,997
Ah, it is marvelous.
208
00:09:17,999 --> 00:09:19,997
Yeah.
209
00:09:19,999 --> 00:09:23,997
Well, his temperament seems
sunny, as do his windows.
210
00:09:23,999 --> 00:09:24,997
Remember this day
211
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:27,999
as the start of
a brand-new band of brothers.
212
00:09:29,999 --> 00:09:31,999
God, finally some new blood.
213
00:09:39,999 --> 00:09:43,999
Well, fuck me!
214
00:09:53,999 --> 00:09:55,997
I know what you're thinking.
215
00:09:55,999 --> 00:09:58,997
These two lovebirds should be
busy repopulating earth
216
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,997
like Adam and Eve.
Or Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese.
217
00:10:00,999 --> 00:10:02,997
Whoo!
218
00:10:02,999 --> 00:10:04,999
Talk about
the post-apocalypse.
219
00:10:05,999 --> 00:10:08,997
You know,
I do all my best thinking
220
00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:10,997
with my pants
around my ankles...
221
00:10:10,999 --> 00:10:11,997
Oh, you don't say.
222
00:10:11,999 --> 00:10:13,997
And it just occurred to me
223
00:10:13,999 --> 00:10:16,997
why you've been wearing
that sad bunny face.
224
00:10:16,999 --> 00:10:18,997
Could he possibly be on to me?
225
00:10:18,999 --> 00:10:21,997
The truth is
Wichita and I broke up...
226
00:10:21,999 --> 00:10:22,997
A couple of weeks ago,
227
00:10:22,999 --> 00:10:24,997
not too long
after our first kiss.
228
00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:26,997
- Heading down the track!
- Yeah! Faster!
229
00:10:26,999 --> 00:10:28,997
- Yeah, she spins out!
- Faster!
230
00:10:28,999 --> 00:10:30,997
- Burning rubber!
- Whoo!
231
00:10:30,999 --> 00:10:32,997
1, 2, 3!
232
00:10:32,999 --> 00:10:34,997
Whoo!
233
00:10:34,999 --> 00:10:35,999
Yes!
234
00:10:41,999 --> 00:10:44,997
"Newbie dad:
Crash course in fatherhood."
235
00:10:44,999 --> 00:10:46,997
Yeah, this is...
236
00:10:46,999 --> 00:10:49,997
I don't wanna be an actual father.
Let's just be clear about that.
237
00:10:49,999 --> 00:10:52,997
I just, um...
I'm just reading that to...
238
00:10:52,999 --> 00:10:54,832
Relate to Little Rock.
239
00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:55,997
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
240
00:10:55,999 --> 00:10:58,997
Um, she's not your daughter.
241
00:10:58,999 --> 00:11:00,997
No, she's like
a sister-in-law, you know?
242
00:11:00,999 --> 00:11:02,997
Mm, I wouldn't say that.
243
00:11:02,999 --> 00:11:05,997
Um, she's more like
my girlfriend's sister, then.
244
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,997
Hadn't really discussed
the "g" word.
245
00:11:08,999 --> 00:11:10,997
Yeah, but we're dating, right?
246
00:11:10,999 --> 00:11:11,997
Dating.
247
00:11:11,999 --> 00:11:14,999
Right.
- Yeah.
248
00:11:15,999 --> 00:11:19,997
Uh, you know, it occurs to me
that we know each other,
249
00:11:19,999 --> 00:11:21,997
but we don't actually know
each other.
250
00:11:21,999 --> 00:11:27,997
Like, um, where would be your
favorite place to honeymoon?
251
00:11:27,999 --> 00:11:30,997
Okay, I'm sorry.
Maybe that was...
252
00:11:30,999 --> 00:11:33,997
What's your first grade
teacher's name?
253
00:11:33,999 --> 00:11:34,997
Um...
254
00:11:34,999 --> 00:11:36,997
What's your favorite
bottled water?
255
00:11:36,999 --> 00:11:40,997
Columbus, you are...
You're so nice.
256
00:11:40,999 --> 00:11:44,997
And I-I'm so...
257
00:11:44,999 --> 00:11:45,997
Sorry.
258
00:11:45,999 --> 00:11:48,997
I mean, we gotta slow this down.
- Oh, man.
259
00:11:48,999 --> 00:11:50,997
Likelike way down.
260
00:11:50,999 --> 00:11:51,997
Okay, but, Krista...
261
00:11:51,999 --> 00:11:53,997
Can we please just go back
to Wichita?
262
00:11:53,999 --> 00:11:57,999
You're revoking
my Krista privileges?
263
00:11:59,999 --> 00:12:02,997
I j...
264
00:12:02,999 --> 00:12:04,999
Okay, just be honest.
Is there someone else?
265
00:12:14,999 --> 00:12:18,997
So you see, Wichita and I
had already slowed it down.
266
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:19,997
Way down.
267
00:12:19,999 --> 00:12:21,997
Maybe it was a good thing.
268
00:12:21,999 --> 00:12:23,999
This family's plenty
dysfunctional.
269
00:12:27,999 --> 00:12:31,997
You're upset because you wanna
back up that badonkadonk.
270
00:12:31,999 --> 00:12:34,874
♪ Back it up!
♪ Back it up!
271
00:12:34,876 --> 00:12:35,928
What? Okay.
272
00:12:35,999 --> 00:12:36,997
All right, wait.
Look, look, look, look.
273
00:12:36,999 --> 00:12:38,997
No one likes
getting thrown out at home.
274
00:12:38,999 --> 00:12:41,997
But be patient, sad bunny.
She likes you.
275
00:12:41,999 --> 00:12:43,997
I have no idea why,
but she does.
276
00:12:43,999 --> 00:12:45,997
Trust me.
You'll get another at-bat.
277
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:49,040
Look, in the immortal words
of Wichita herself, "whatever."
278
00:12:49,042 --> 00:12:50,997
I don't think
it's gonna happen.
279
00:12:50,999 --> 00:12:52,997
All right, I can't stand
seeing you like this.
280
00:12:52,999 --> 00:12:54,997
Which is why
I'm gonna teach you
281
00:12:54,999 --> 00:12:56,997
how to do something
whenever you feel low, okay?
282
00:12:56,999 --> 00:12:58,415
Ha, here we go.
283
00:12:58,417 --> 00:12:59,997
I just want you to imagine
284
00:12:59,999 --> 00:13:02,997
that you've been dead and gone
a long time.
285
00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:04,997
And God comes up to you
and he says,
286
00:13:04,999 --> 00:13:08,997
"son, I'm gonna let you
go back down to earth and live
287
00:13:08,999 --> 00:13:10,997
"for five minutes.
288
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,997
But only five."
289
00:13:12,999 --> 00:13:14,997
- Okay.
- Are you following me?
290
00:13:14,999 --> 00:13:15,997
- Yes. I'm following.
- All right.
291
00:13:15,999 --> 00:13:17,997
Now, I want you to imagine
292
00:13:17,999 --> 00:13:21,997
that those five minutes
start right...
293
00:13:21,999 --> 00:13:24,997
Now.
294
00:13:24,999 --> 00:13:29,997
It's hard to take advice from a guy who
asks for a price check at the 99¢ store.
295
00:13:29,999 --> 00:13:33,999
But he may be on to something.
296
00:13:35,999 --> 00:13:39,997
Right there in front of you.
6th street bridge.
297
00:13:39,999 --> 00:13:41,997
Hope your tummies are rumbling.
298
00:13:41,999 --> 00:13:43,997
Mmm!
Sister can cook it up.
299
00:13:43,999 --> 00:13:45,997
We've had our last hot pocket.
300
00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:47,999
Try not to kill her this time.
301
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:55,999
Girl scout cookies!
302
00:14:00,999 --> 00:14:04,999
I am a sucker
for thank you Berry munches.
303
00:14:06,999 --> 00:14:09,997
- So, Regina.
- Mm-mm. "Re-gyna."
304
00:14:09,999 --> 00:14:12,999
Kinda like vagina,
but with an "er."
305
00:14:14,999 --> 00:14:16,997
Sorry.
For real? Vagina?
306
00:14:16,999 --> 00:14:19,997
Overunder on how many times
he says the word "vagina"?
307
00:14:19,999 --> 00:14:21,997
That counted as one.
308
00:14:21,999 --> 00:14:23,997
Those of you at home,
feel free to play along.
309
00:14:23,999 --> 00:14:26,997
I really can't tell you
how happy we are to have you.
310
00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:29,997
- About to get happier.
- Why is that?
311
00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:31,997
- Taste my boysenberry pie.
- Oh, my God.
312
00:14:31,999 --> 00:14:32,997
- What?
- You've got to be kidding me.
313
00:14:32,999 --> 00:14:33,997
Oh, my God.
- Oh.
314
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:35,997
No way this is happening.
315
00:14:35,999 --> 00:14:38,997
- Regina, thank you.
- Oh, my God.
316
00:14:38,999 --> 00:14:41,997
- Shut up!
- There is nothing worth eating
317
00:14:41,999 --> 00:14:43,997
that doesn't make your teeth
a different color.
318
00:14:43,999 --> 00:14:47,997
Welcome to the family,
vagina with an "r."
319
00:14:47,999 --> 00:14:49,997
- I love you.
- This is good pie.
320
00:14:49,999 --> 00:14:51,997
- I love you.
- You are one of us now.
321
00:14:51,999 --> 00:14:53,997
And membership
has its privileges.
322
00:14:53,999 --> 00:14:56,997
Columbus here's got these rules
for surviving Zombieland.
323
00:14:56,999 --> 00:14:58,997
He's got a vagina.
324
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,999
But they're absolutely
foolproof.
325
00:15:08,999 --> 00:15:14,999
Oh, I am this close to losing
every last bit of my shit.
326
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:18,997
So unfucking fair...
327
00:15:18,999 --> 00:15:23,997
To let me picture a life
without hot pockets.
328
00:15:23,999 --> 00:15:25,997
How about an anger lap?
329
00:15:25,999 --> 00:15:29,999
Race?
330
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,997
You know,
you can't help but think
331
00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:36,997
how quickly it can all end...
332
00:15:36,999 --> 00:15:39,999
With unfinished business.
333
00:15:45,999 --> 00:15:47,997
Really?
334
00:15:47,999 --> 00:15:49,997
What'd you do with that pie?
335
00:15:49,999 --> 00:15:52,997
What? Sue me.
336
00:15:52,999 --> 00:15:54,997
She took a number.
God called it.
337
00:15:54,999 --> 00:15:55,997
There was nothing we could do.
338
00:15:55,999 --> 00:15:58,997
Rule number 19
for surviving Zombieland:
339
00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:00,997
Ziploc bags.
- Thank you Berry munches.
340
00:16:00,999 --> 00:16:02,997
You're welcome.
341
00:16:02,999 --> 00:16:05,999
You have something on your face
by the way.
342
00:16:13,999 --> 00:16:15,997
You know, I'm not your poppy,
343
00:16:15,999 --> 00:16:17,997
but you should quit that.
344
00:16:17,999 --> 00:16:18,997
Video games?
345
00:16:18,999 --> 00:16:21,997
They will rot your brain
faster than a zombie bite.
346
00:16:21,999 --> 00:16:25,997
Besides, there ain't been
a good one since Ms. Pac-Man.
347
00:16:25,999 --> 00:16:27,997
- Ms. Pac-Man.
- Yeah.
348
00:16:27,999 --> 00:16:30,997
There was this thing
called the 20th century.
349
00:16:30,999 --> 00:16:32,997
Here we go.
350
00:16:32,999 --> 00:16:34,997
Ms. Pac-Man
was kinda like Pac-Man,
351
00:16:34,999 --> 00:16:35,997
but in drag.
352
00:16:35,999 --> 00:16:37,997
She had red lipstick, mascara,
353
00:16:37,999 --> 00:16:39,997
and a bow in her hair.
354
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,997
- She had hair?
- Actually, you know what?
355
00:16:41,999 --> 00:16:43,997
You're right, she was bald.
They were both bald.
356
00:16:43,999 --> 00:16:46,997
- And she had a big mole on her face.
- Yeah, big ol' facial mole right here.
357
00:16:46,999 --> 00:16:48,997
And she and Pac-Man
would just go around and eat.
358
00:16:48,999 --> 00:16:53,997
I mean, they would just eat everything that
came by, just bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop.
359
00:16:53,999 --> 00:16:55,997
Until they met.
- And then they kissed.
360
00:16:55,999 --> 00:16:57,997
So imagine a yellow bald guy
361
00:16:57,999 --> 00:16:59,997
just going around
stuffing his cheeks,
362
00:16:59,999 --> 00:17:02,997
and then just macking out
with another yellow bald guy.
363
00:17:02,999 --> 00:17:06,997
- With a big mole on his face.
- In drag.
364
00:17:06,999 --> 00:17:07,997
I'm sorry I missed that.
365
00:17:07,999 --> 00:17:09,997
You know, if Detroit's right,
366
00:17:09,999 --> 00:17:12,997
this guy's supposed to be
a great mechanic.
367
00:17:12,999 --> 00:17:13,997
Great.
I can't wait to meet him.
368
00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:15,997
He's probably
a really nice guy too.
369
00:17:15,999 --> 00:17:17,997
And he can make
a great addition.
370
00:17:17,999 --> 00:17:19,999
If he makes it to noon.
371
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,997
Phew.
372
00:17:24,999 --> 00:17:26,997
Hey! Hey!
373
00:17:26,999 --> 00:17:27,997
Hey!
374
00:17:27,999 --> 00:17:30,997
Who holes up
in a shit-shack like this?
375
00:17:30,999 --> 00:17:32,997
Hey! Hey!
376
00:17:32,999 --> 00:17:33,997
I'm Tallahassee.
377
00:17:33,999 --> 00:17:38,997
This is Columbus,
Little Rock, and Wichita.
378
00:17:38,999 --> 00:17:40,997
Eugene! Oregon!
379
00:17:40,999 --> 00:17:41,997
I'll be right down!
380
00:17:41,999 --> 00:17:42,997
No, no, no, no.
Stop! Stop!
381
00:17:42,999 --> 00:17:45,999
Stay right there.
We're coming to you.
382
00:17:47,999 --> 00:17:48,997
All right, listen up.
383
00:17:48,999 --> 00:17:53,997
Eugene is the president.
We are the secret service.
384
00:17:53,999 --> 00:17:55,997
I'll take a bullet
if I have to.
385
00:17:55,999 --> 00:17:57,997
Taste his food,
lay down my life.
386
00:17:57,999 --> 00:18:02,997
But he is not dying
on our watch, understood?
387
00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:04,999
Understood.
388
00:18:05,999 --> 00:18:06,997
What?
389
00:18:06,999 --> 00:18:08,997
Understood.
390
00:18:08,999 --> 00:18:11,997
You got it?
391
00:18:11,999 --> 00:18:13,999
Let's do this.
392
00:18:26,999 --> 00:18:28,997
So fired up right now.
393
00:18:28,999 --> 00:18:31,997
Finally some people
to play Boggle with.
394
00:18:31,999 --> 00:18:32,997
It's lonely.
395
00:18:32,999 --> 00:18:34,997
You get to thinking,
396
00:18:34,999 --> 00:18:36,997
something happens to me...
397
00:18:36,999 --> 00:18:37,997
No one's gonna even know.
398
00:18:37,999 --> 00:18:39,997
All right, Zuckerberg,
don't get all...
399
00:18:39,999 --> 00:18:41,997
Va-geena on us.
400
00:18:41,999 --> 00:18:43,997
Nothing's gonna happen
to you, trust us.
401
00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:46,997
You're one of us now, Eugene.
And membership has its privileges.
402
00:18:46,999 --> 00:18:48,997
Tell him what he's won,
Columbus.
403
00:18:48,999 --> 00:18:50,997
Oh, yeah, I have these rules
for surviving Zombieland.
404
00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:53,997
Shh!
405
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:56,999
Did you hear that?
406
00:19:04,999 --> 00:19:05,997
I gotcha.
407
00:19:05,999 --> 00:19:08,997
Don't worry.
Where's the trust?
408
00:19:08,999 --> 00:19:10,999
Aah!
409
00:19:24,999 --> 00:19:26,997
Fucking...
410
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,997
Fuck!
411
00:19:28,999 --> 00:19:29,997
Fuck!
412
00:19:29,999 --> 00:19:34,997
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck!
413
00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:37,997
We are cursed!
414
00:19:37,999 --> 00:19:39,997
We... are... cursed!
415
00:19:39,999 --> 00:19:42,999
We're cursed!
416
00:19:44,999 --> 00:19:47,997
It's like we picked up Bobby
Brady's ass-reaming tiki idol...
417
00:19:47,999 --> 00:19:50,997
And it's just tipping us over,
and just ramming us in the...
418
00:19:50,999 --> 00:19:51,997
Ah!
419
00:19:51,999 --> 00:19:54,997
Please don't ask me
who Bobby Brady is right now,
420
00:19:54,999 --> 00:19:55,997
or I'll lose my shit
421
00:19:55,999 --> 00:19:57,997
more than I lost it
a second ago, okay?
422
00:19:57,999 --> 00:20:00,997
It's not funny.
423
00:20:00,999 --> 00:20:04,999
It's the tiniest bit funny.
424
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,997
It ain't over yet.
425
00:20:09,999 --> 00:20:13,499
Destination's on the left.
Cutest old couple.
426
00:20:13,501 --> 00:20:14,997
Could be your town elders.
427
00:20:14,999 --> 00:20:16,997
But, sweet Jesus, be careful!
428
00:20:16,999 --> 00:20:18,997
They're my last two folks
in L.A.
429
00:20:18,999 --> 00:20:22,997
Thank you for using onstar.
430
00:20:22,999 --> 00:20:25,997
Yoohoo!
431
00:20:25,999 --> 00:20:26,997
Meals on wheels!
432
00:20:26,999 --> 00:20:29,997
Maybe they've fallen
and they can't get up.
433
00:20:29,999 --> 00:20:30,997
- Hello!
- Hello?
434
00:20:30,999 --> 00:20:33,997
- Hello?
- It smells like bengay.
435
00:20:33,999 --> 00:20:34,999
Hello!
436
00:20:36,999 --> 00:20:38,997
"Bubbee."
437
00:20:38,999 --> 00:20:40,997
Huh?
Oh.
438
00:20:40,999 --> 00:20:42,997
Um, I think it's bubbie,
actually.
439
00:20:42,999 --> 00:20:45,997
- Uh, and peepaw.
- Aw!
440
00:20:45,999 --> 00:20:47,997
They're, like, so cute.
441
00:20:47,999 --> 00:20:49,997
You gotta admit it's touching.
442
00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:51,997
God bless
the greatest generation.
443
00:20:51,999 --> 00:20:53,997
They remind me of
Nana and Zadie a little bit.
444
00:20:53,999 --> 00:20:55,997
And grammu and gampu.
445
00:20:55,999 --> 00:20:56,997
And gray-gray
and muffer.
446
00:20:56,999 --> 00:21:00,997
Graygray and muffer?
447
00:21:00,999 --> 00:21:01,999
Grammu and gampu?
448
00:21:04,999 --> 00:21:06,997
- Are you crying?
- Nah.
449
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:08,997
Allergies.
450
00:21:08,999 --> 00:21:12,997
You know, L.A. dust storms,
San Gabriels.
451
00:21:12,999 --> 00:21:15,997
Okay, the point is, we all had
our grandmother and grandfather,
452
00:21:15,999 --> 00:21:17,997
- and now they're gone.
- Kinda bringing down the room.
453
00:21:17,999 --> 00:21:19,997
Well, I just...
I think we should...
454
00:21:19,999 --> 00:21:22,997
I mean, we should probably
keep searching the house, right?
455
00:21:22,999 --> 00:21:25,707
I can't wait
to meet bubbie and poopie.
456
00:21:25,709 --> 00:21:26,997
Peepaw.
457
00:21:26,999 --> 00:21:28,999
It's bubbie and peepaw.
458
00:21:33,999 --> 00:21:37,997
Oh, great.
459
00:21:37,999 --> 00:21:40,997
Hello?
460
00:21:40,999 --> 00:21:42,999
Okay.
461
00:21:44,999 --> 00:21:46,997
One thing about Zombieland,
462
00:21:46,999 --> 00:21:48,999
you can never feel
clean enough.
463
00:21:58,999 --> 00:22:00,997
O...kay!
464
00:22:00,999 --> 00:22:02,997
Oh.
Okay.
465
00:22:02,999 --> 00:22:03,997
Bubbie.
466
00:22:03,999 --> 00:22:06,997
Right. Bubbie.
I'm so sorry.
467
00:22:06,999 --> 00:22:08,997
Bubbie and poppy.
468
00:22:08,999 --> 00:22:10,997
Peepaw!
Damn it.
469
00:22:10,999 --> 00:22:12,997
Can you guys still hear me?
470
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:14,997
If so, you should know that,
um,
471
00:22:14,999 --> 00:22:19,997
my Nana once mistakenly wrote me
a birthday check for $10,000,
472
00:22:19,999 --> 00:22:21,997
and I didn't cash it,
I promise.
473
00:22:21,999 --> 00:22:23,997
Ahh!
474
00:22:23,999 --> 00:22:25,997
Ah!
475
00:22:25,999 --> 00:22:27,997
Shit!
476
00:22:27,999 --> 00:22:30,999
Oh, my God!
477
00:22:39,999 --> 00:22:42,999
Help me, please!
478
00:22:50,999 --> 00:22:52,997
They're not as cute
as gray-gray and muffer.
479
00:22:52,999 --> 00:22:54,999
Come on.
480
00:23:00,999 --> 00:23:03,997
Aah!
481
00:23:03,999 --> 00:23:05,999
No!
Aah!
482
00:23:07,999 --> 00:23:09,997
Oh, God!
483
00:23:09,999 --> 00:23:10,997
Peepaw!
Bambi!
484
00:23:10,999 --> 00:23:12,997
- Bubbie!
- Right.
485
00:23:12,999 --> 00:23:14,997
Look!
486
00:23:14,999 --> 00:23:16,997
I love you two old birds.
487
00:23:16,999 --> 00:23:18,999
But do not make me do this.
488
00:23:20,999 --> 00:23:23,999
All right.
You get the horns.
489
00:23:28,999 --> 00:23:30,997
Ooh...
490
00:23:30,999 --> 00:23:33,999
Oh...
491
00:23:41,999 --> 00:23:45,997
I could really use
a can of ensure right now.
492
00:23:45,999 --> 00:23:47,997
There are two more angels
in heaven.
493
00:23:47,999 --> 00:23:49,997
They were too good
for this world.
494
00:23:49,999 --> 00:23:51,997
There's nothing more romantic
495
00:23:51,999 --> 00:23:53,997
than an old couple dying
within minutes of one another.
496
00:23:53,999 --> 00:23:55,997
Yeah, that's because
you smashed their heads in
497
00:23:55,999 --> 00:23:56,999
with a fireplace poker.
498
00:24:01,999 --> 00:24:04,997
This is
really, really fucked up.
499
00:24:04,999 --> 00:24:06,997
Hey, ho!
Language.
500
00:24:06,999 --> 00:24:09,997
But you're right.
It is.
501
00:24:09,999 --> 00:24:11,997
Zombie kill of the week?
502
00:24:11,999 --> 00:24:13,997
A close second, actually, to...
503
00:24:13,999 --> 00:24:17,999
Jorge Lortez
of Fort Worth, Texas.
504
00:24:24,999 --> 00:24:26,997
That was pretty cool when I...
505
00:24:26,999 --> 00:24:28,999
smacked that...
506
00:24:33,999 --> 00:24:36,999
Yeah.
507
00:24:40,999 --> 00:24:41,997
Thank you.
508
00:24:41,999 --> 00:24:43,997
Thank... you.
509
00:24:43,999 --> 00:24:46,999
- Well, it was...
- Uh...
510
00:24:48,999 --> 00:24:50,997
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God.
511
00:24:50,999 --> 00:24:51,997
- Ugh.
- Yeah.
512
00:24:51,999 --> 00:24:55,997
Oh, that's...
that's in there.
513
00:24:55,999 --> 00:24:57,997
- That's really gross.
- Yeah.
514
00:24:57,999 --> 00:25:00,999
Fiji.
515
00:25:02,999 --> 00:25:04,997
Favorite honeymoon.
516
00:25:04,999 --> 00:25:09,997
Bottled water.
517
00:25:09,999 --> 00:25:10,999
I'll take it.
518
00:25:19,999 --> 00:25:22,997
Don't say it.
Another man down?
519
00:25:22,999 --> 00:25:24,997
We still haven't met
that special someone.
520
00:25:24,999 --> 00:25:29,997
But we just ditched
our "va-hinas" back in Burbank.
521
00:25:29,999 --> 00:25:32,997
So we're ready to aim
for that paradise
522
00:25:32,999 --> 00:25:34,997
on the eastern seaboard.
523
00:25:34,999 --> 00:25:35,997
- A place to call home.
- Mm.
524
00:25:35,999 --> 00:25:38,997
It's only 50,000 miles away.
525
00:25:38,999 --> 00:25:40,997
Ish.
526
00:25:40,999 --> 00:25:41,997
Tell you what.
527
00:25:41,999 --> 00:25:42,997
You head east.
528
00:25:42,999 --> 00:25:44,997
I'll call fishers island, get
'em to roll out the red carpet.
529
00:25:44,999 --> 00:25:46,997
Take care of
your handsome selves.
530
00:25:46,999 --> 00:25:50,997
God bless and thank you
for using onstar.
531
00:25:50,999 --> 00:25:53,997
Does she sound hot to you?
532
00:25:53,999 --> 00:25:54,997
God.
533
00:25:54,999 --> 00:25:56,997
People in
the telecommunications industry
534
00:25:56,999 --> 00:25:57,997
usually are, so...
535
00:25:57,999 --> 00:25:59,999
If she's got a sister...
536
00:26:01,999 --> 00:26:04,997
Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
537
00:26:04,999 --> 00:26:06,997
Somewhere between us
and fishers island
538
00:26:06,999 --> 00:26:08,997
lies the motor city.
539
00:26:08,999 --> 00:26:09,997
Detroit or bust?
540
00:26:09,999 --> 00:26:11,997
I hear it's nice
this time of year.
541
00:26:11,999 --> 00:26:12,997
That's what I'm talking about.
542
00:26:12,999 --> 00:26:14,997
- De-troit!
- Hey, guys.
543
00:26:14,999 --> 00:26:15,997
Hmm?
544
00:26:15,999 --> 00:26:17,332
Do you want some pie?
545
00:26:17,334 --> 00:26:18,997
- Yes!
- Yes, we do!
546
00:26:18,999 --> 00:26:19,997
Ah, pie!
547
00:26:19,999 --> 00:26:21,997
Wait, can I
have it first though?
548
00:26:21,999 --> 00:26:22,997
- Yeah, go give it to her.
- Yeah, no...
549
00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:24,997
'Cause I'm the kid.
550
00:26:24,999 --> 00:26:27,997
- All right, okay, all right.
- No! I'm going first.
551
00:26:27,999 --> 00:26:30,997
A semi-wise man once said,
552
00:26:30,999 --> 00:26:32,997
"picture you've been dead
a long time
553
00:26:32,999 --> 00:26:34,997
"and God comes to you and says,
554
00:26:34,999 --> 00:26:37,997
"'I'm gonna let you go back down
to earth and live...
555
00:26:37,999 --> 00:26:39,997
"'For five minutes.
556
00:26:39,999 --> 00:26:41,997
But only five.'"
557
00:26:41,999 --> 00:26:44,997
which five would you choose?
558
00:26:44,999 --> 00:26:45,997
Here's a hint.
559
00:26:45,999 --> 00:26:48,997
Don't think about
the where or the when.
560
00:26:48,999 --> 00:26:50,999
Think about the who.
561
00:26:57,999 --> 00:26:59,997
In the meantime,
adventure awaits,
562
00:26:59,999 --> 00:27:01,997
and so do 5 billion zombies.
563
00:27:01,999 --> 00:27:03,997
Best settle your bets quick.
That was six "vaginas."
564
00:27:03,999 --> 00:27:06,997
Yeah, "muffer" does count.
565
00:27:06,999 --> 00:27:08,997
Till next time, Vegas, anyone?
566
00:27:08,999 --> 00:27:11,999
This is Columbus, Ohio,
saying "good night."
567
00:27:12,024 --> 00:27:15,930
Subtitle by: Abraham Christen Liando
568
00:27:15,999 --> 00:27:17,997
That is moist... vagina.
569
00:27:17,999 --> 00:27:20,997
Don't get all "vageena" on us.
570
00:27:20,999 --> 00:27:22,997
We just ditched our "vahanas."
571
00:27:22,999 --> 00:27:23,997
Vagina.
Gavina.
572
00:27:23,999 --> 00:27:24,997
Vageens.
573
00:27:24,999 --> 00:27:26,997
Vagina.
Vagine-gines.
574
00:27:26,999 --> 00:27:27,997
I could eat this, vagina...
575
00:27:27,999 --> 00:27:29,997
Vagenie-geens.
Vagina.
576
00:27:29,999 --> 00:27:31,997
"Va-hina."
"Va-vanahas."
577
00:27:31,999 --> 00:27:34,997
This is delicious... vagina.
578
00:27:34,999 --> 00:27:37,997
Mm, can I have some more?
This is really good.
579
00:27:37,999 --> 00:27:39,997
That came out wrong.
580
00:27:39,999 --> 00:27:41,997
Think there's a comma
in there somewhere.
581
00:27:41,999 --> 00:27:43,299
This is
really, really fucked up.
582
00:27:43,324 --> 00:27:52,831
Subtitle by: Abraham Christen Liando41018
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