All language subtitles for Superstore (2015) - S05E07 - Shoplifter Rehab (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 Silence)_track4_[eng]

.

- I oversold it, didn't I?

I always do that.

I should have just said,
"It's a good show.

Maybe you'll like it."

- It just made me
uncomfortable.

I already have enough trouble

as a working mom.

I don't need to feel bad

that I'm not also a KGB agent.

Tell me again that Maya
didn't see

the union cards.

- She's the district manager.

If she had seen them,

she would have said something.

Besides, you know,
even if she did,

it's too late now.

The union train has left
the station, baby!

- A, that's just too much
for 8:00 a.m.,

and B, it's not too late
for her to fire me.

- Nobody's getting fired.
Get out of your head.

You just have to co--

- Maya!

Hey, Maya's here.
- Yeah.

- Hey, guys, sorry
to give you a scare there.

Halloween was yesterday,
Maya.

- Ha.
Yeah, it was.

Um, so what's up?

- Well,
I was planning my schedule,

and I thought
instead of heading up

to the boring Quincy branch,

that maybe I'd spend
another day here.

So I commandeered
a corner of your desk here.

I hope you don't mind.
- No, please, commandeer away.

- Great, thanks.
Also, did you know

that your pug-a-day calendar is
a week ahead?

- Yeah, I get curious.

[upbeat music]

♪

[laid-back music]

- I get that this
doesn't look great,

but maybe it's as innocent
as it sounds.

- Yeah, sure.

She just happened to extend
her stay here

the day after we turned in
the cards,

because she didn't wanna go
to Quincy.

Come on.
That store used to be a bank.

It has a skylight.

- I took Jerusha and Rose there

for her birthday.

- Quincy is a showstopper.

Nobody's arguing that.

I'm just saying,
Maya seems pretty chill.

You know,
she's not like a typical DM.

- Actually, sometimes,
it's the friendliest DMs

who are secretly the harshest.

Like, you remember Marty
over at Crestwood?

One day, he's out playing
squash with his DM.

The next day, he's fired

and the DM marries
his daughter.

- Really?

- Well, the actual wedding

wasn't the next day,

but it makes a better story.

- Okay, well,
Maya can't fire you

for union stuff.

- Well,
maybe that's why she's here.

She's sticking around until
she finds something else

she can fire me for.

- Like what?
Your numbers are good.

You don't do drugs.
You don't steal.

Well, I've seen you pocket
Splenda packets in the café,

but we're talking, what, like,
a handful?

- It's in the hundreds.

- Don't worry.

You are a great manager,

and Maya's gonna see that,
you know,

as long as we have
one of our good days

in the store,
which we've been having

a few of lately.

- Thank you, Glenn.

I know you thought
that was helpful.

- Free eye exams!

- See your partner better,
learn the truth!

- Hey, you busy?

[jazzy music plays quietly]

I'm sorry,
I don't know what that was.

Are you finishing
a magic trick?

- No, I'm just saying
there's no one here.

- You were doing a magic trick
for no one?

- There's no magic trick!
Okay, what do you want?

- I need someone to help me run
my shoplifter rehab course.

Eddy's usually my assistant,

but ironically,
he got arrested.

- Oh, I'd be good
with shoplifters

because I'm some sort
of criminal to you, huh?

Just because I have
an ankle monitor,

suddenly, I'm, like,
the cutest boy in the Crips?

- Actually, there's a lot
of yelling involved,

and I thought you'd be
interested in that.

- Yeah, that sounds fun.
I'm in.

- Amy and I combined
Spotify accounts last night.

It just felt like time,
you know?

- Wow, big step.

I'm surprised
you weren't worried about

ruining your personalized
recommendations.

- Oh, good God.

- Hey,
what do you think of these?

- I think those are candles
with anchors on them.

- Thanks, I like 'em too.

Jerry wants our wedding
to have a nautical theme

since he was born on a tugboat.

- Well,
a boat does have an anchor,

so you nailed it.

- Okay, these are the last ones

I could find in the back.

- Oh,
so Carol's helping you out?

- Sandra and I are committed
to repairing our friendship.

Bricks on the back are lighter
than pebbles in the soul,

right, Sandra?

- So much lighter.
[both laugh]

- Okay, I'm gonna go see
if I can find a captain's hat

that will fit Jerry's
big ol' melon.

- Are you sure you're okay?

- Totally.

And so you know,

I'll be here for the next hour

and then I'll be in grocery,

just in case you wanna
say hi later

and make sure
something's not wrong.

[forced laugh]

Not that it would be.

But here and then grocery.

♪

- Oh, it looks like
you swapped out those scanners

that were causing hand cancer.

- Yes.

- Uh, no disciplinary write-ups

in the last quarter.

- Yeah.
No--no--no need.

- Good.

- I don't know where

your nice flip-flops are,
Bo.

Just wear anything.

- Excuse me just one second.
- Uh-huh.

- Cheyenne, you know
we're not supposed to be

on personal phone calls
on the floor.

- Just one second.

You can't just blow it off.

You have to get here.

Take a bath with the dogs
later.

My husband's being
such a b-munch right now.

- Okay, well, just because
he's being a b-munch,

doesn't mean
that's a good enough reason

to not be working.

- Totally. Bye, Bo.

- Honestly, this never happens.

- Well, it's hard to police
phone stuff.

- Well, not for me, it isn't.

Attention employees.
Uh, listen up.

Just a reminder that this couch
here is not a mobile hot spot.

No cell phones, per usual.

Don't know why I have to
say it again.

- Can whoever is talking
keep it down?

We're trying to watch
news anchor fails

and the sound quality's
full "garbagio."

[upbeat music plays]

- She did put her phone away.

- Listen up, scrodes.

My name is Dina Fox,
and my goal here today is

to cure you lowlife scum
of your criminal tendencies

and transform you
into upstanding citizens.

[quietly]
If that's even possible.

- Ah!
Sorry I'm late.

Oh, I thought I saw a manatee
on the side of the road.

Hoo-hoo.

Turns out, it was just
a gray sweatshirt.

Oh,
but that sweatshirt was huge!

- Okay, just sit down, Bo.
Thank you.

All right,
if you pass this course,

The store will not be
pressing criminal charges.

If you fail, your crimes will
be reported to the fuzz.

Right, Mateo?

- I've got
the local police station

right here in my contacts.

- Isn't it just 911?
- Silence, scrode!

- Oh, dang, dude got roasted!

- Okay, first things first.

I want you all to take out

your corporate-approved
workbooks

and just rip them up.

Go ahead.
We're gonna do things

a little bit differently
here today.

That's it, go on.

- Yeah.
Ha-ha.

- All right.

Anyone who ripped up
their workbook has failed.

You just destroyed
company property.

Get out!
- Aw, man.

That's the third time
I've fell for this.

- "Attention employees,

"please gather
in the break room

for our regularly-scheduled
refresher on store rules."

I'm emphasizing
"regularly-scheduled"

because it's underlined twice

on this piece of paper
Amy just handed me.

- Okay, no phones on the floor,

Laptops are for customers.

If there's time to lean,
there's time to...

- Oh, I know, dream.

- No, not dream.

- Lean.
- I just said lean.

- Oh, come on, guys.
You know she means clean,

which most of us are
already doing

in our downtime anyway.

- Yep, that's right.

- 'Cause we know
if we ever stopped

working our tails off,

Amy will swoop in
to smack us around.

- Well,
not quite smack us around,

but write us up.

- Yeah, no,
I don't hit my employees.

- I figured that.
- Okay.

Next rule,
always clock in on time.

- What if on your way
to work, you see a plane crash

and need to stop
to pull passengers

from the wreckage?

- Um, if on your way in,

you see a plane crash,
then you can be late.

- Oh, but what about
a train crash?

- Um, any of the crashes.

All right, we're moving on.

- Well, what if
it's a fender bender

where someone could have
been hurt?

- Okay, Marcus,
I'm sure they're fine.

We should probably keep going.

But what if they're not?

What if they have a baby
in the back

and it's, like, loose
and it's rolling around

like a volleyball?
- All right, that's it.

I'm writing you up
for insubordination.

- I get written up for that,

but Russell can smoke pot

in the garden center?

- What?

Well, I didn't know
that was happening,

so now that I do,
I'm gonna right him up.

- Hey, thanks, dick.

This is why you weren't invited
to bowling.

- I knew you guys were bowling!
I knew it!

And you looked me in my eyes,
and you told me it was a myth.

- Yeah, what are you gonna do
about it?

- Oh, come at me, bro.

Jonah, get my back.

- I'm not gonna do that.

- [grunts]

- Hey, hey, hey!
No, no, no, no!

[both grunting]

- Horseman!
- Russell!

- "Horseman," that's the cue!

.

- Well, Maya reported
the fight to HR.

She said it wasn't a big deal,

but she couldn't even look me
in the eye when she said it,

which I have
a teenager daughter,

I know what that means.

- It's not even your fault.

It's not like you're the one

who slammed Russell
on the table.

If anything,
you broke the fight up

by pouring oat milk on 'em.

It was weird but effective.

- It doesn't even matter.

At this point,
it just looks like

I have zero control
over my employees.

- Oh, it'll be fine.

You just need to find a way
to show Maya

that you mean business.

It's too bad you can't
just fire someone, though.

- Yeah.
But maybe I could.

- Wait,
are you talking about me?

Fine, Amy, you can't fire me.
I quit.

- Glenn, calm down.
I'm gonna fire anyone.

I'm just saying,
maybe I can make it look

like I'm firing someone.

- You know, it's just not fair.

Dina's using, like, hypnosis
or some crap.

- You gotta stop blaming
all your problems on hypnosis.

- Hello there.

I'd like to buy
these apples, please.

- No problem.
That'll be 50 cents.

- But apples usually cost
40 cents.

I don't understand.

- Cloud 9 had to raise
the price

due to all the people
stealing them.

- But I never stole.

Now my children shall go
hungry tonight.

- And scene.

- You think we can get
a bathroom break?

It's been two hours of this.

- Oh, you need to use
the restroom?

Why, so you can steal
a quart of our pink soap?

You think I don't know how much

that stuff goes for
on the street?

Absolutely not.

All right, Mateo,
could you play

Dock Worker number one
in this next series?

- Yep.
[clears throat]

No, wait.
[clears throat]

Yep.

[in higher voice]
Yep.

I'll find it.

- Okay, so what's in it
for me?

- Well, I mean,

if you help me out

and all goes well,

I'll...I'll make sure

Dina passes you
in the shoplifter class.

[relaxed jazz music plays]

- A'ight, I'm in.
- Okay, great.

So you just slack off,
and then I'll come find you

and say, "Where's that
Turtle Wax endcap

I told you to put up?
This is your third strike."

And I'll fire you
in front of Maya.

- Oh.
- Okay, here's your vest.

- What?
"Dave"?

I wanna be Puma,
raised in the jungles of Peru,

but his parents snuck him
into America

on an atomic submarine.

- Oh, does he ever go back?
- Okay, so--

- Okay,
I don't have time for this.

Somebody put Skittles
in the Coinstar machine.

I have to fix it
before Maya sees.

- Okay, back to work.

- Check it out.
What's up?

I'm an employee right now.

Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Uh, excuse me.
Attention, everybody.

Green beans are now $1 million,
so...

- Okay, Bo, stop.
All right?

You need to take this
seriously.

I can't keep bailing you
out of jail.

We have, like, no money.

- Fine, okay.
[clears throat]

Green beans are now
the normal price.

- That was good.
- Yeah.

- Mmm.

[upbeat music plays]

I like this one,

but I don't think
we can do Funfetti.

Jerry's family
is very conservative.

- Wait, there's one more
I want you to try.

It's homemade.

- Oh, you--you made that?
- Yeah, just for you.

It's got a secret ingredient.

- Ooh.

Oh.
- Come on, open up.

- Okay.

♪

Mmm.

So good.

- And now we wait.
- For what?

- For your wedding.
- Oh.

[both laugh]

[scanner beeps]

- Um, hey, Dave.

- Oh, what up, Amy?

- What up, Dave, is that
I asked you hours ago

to assemble
the Turtle Wax endcap,

and it's still not done.

- Oh, actually,
I was gonna tell you--

- No, I don't wanna hear
any of your excuses.

You know what?

This is your third strike
this month.

I made up my mind.

I'm gonna have to let you go.

I'm so sorry you have
to witness this, Maya.

- No, please,
these are your employees.

- Yeah, I was gonna say
I did that endcap a while ago.

I set it up in the breezeway,
you know,

more foot traffic
and et ceteras.

- Wow, um--uh--wow.

I'm--I'm just stunned,

because this is isn't what
we agreed upon, Dave.

- Yeah, well, I was thinking
about something Cheyenne said,

and I figured, like,
if I did a really good job,

then it wouldn't
really make sense to fire me,

because that would be, like,
bad management.

Know what I'm saying?

So, uh,
guess I still work here.

Maybe I can pick up
a few extra shifts.

- No.
No, no, no.

I already said
that you're fired.

And--and--and what I say goes,

and I'm a--I'm a woman
of my word.

So--so all of those things
put together

means you're fired.

- Aw, man.

Cheyenne was right.
I'm a screwup.

I'm just a dumb, useless butt.

- No, Dave, no.
- No, no, no.

- No, nobody is getting fired
today, all right?

- Really?
- Yes.

♪

Amy, why don't you and I go
have lunch?

♪

- What's up?
Dave's back, y'all.

[imitates siren]

Heh-heh.

.

- She's taking me out to lunch.
She's gonna fire me, right?

- No.

I mean,
that is how they fired Marty,

so he wouldn't have
some violent outburst

in the store.

But maybe Maya's got

some really great news for you,

and she's worried about you
having a positive outburst.

- Yeah, like, you know,

"Oh, this news is so great,

I wanna choke somebody out."

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm sure that's what it is.

[bright music play]

♪

- This is not good.

- So?

- Yeah,
I think they're gonna fire her.

- Wow.

[both sigh]

So I guess
you'll be manager again.

- What?
No.

I would never take Amy's job.

- Why not?
You did it for years.

Who else is gonna do it?

- I mean,
I guess I got no choice.

And the store needs a manager.

- And we need one, like, now.
This place is crazy.

There was a fight earlier.
[chuckles]

♪

- This is perfect
for the honeymoon.

- There's just so many holes.

- Oh, Sandra, our bodies are
vessels of beauty.

Don't be ashamed.

God, I can't wait to see
Jerry's face

when he sees this.

- Huh?

- I said, I can't wait
for you to see Jerry's face

when he sees this.

♪

- Attention, shoppers,
please gather

for a very special parade.

That's right,
it's the Cloud 9

Shoplifters Parade of Shame.

Here, you read these.

I'm gonna pass out
the tomatoes.

- Tomatoes?
Dina...

those aren't for throwing,
are they?

- What?
Oh, no.

No, no, no.
These are free samples.

And if someone felt
compelled to throw one,

that would be
both illegal and wrong,

just like shoplifting.

♪

- Ooh, wow, "local clams."

Where do you think
they're getting those from?

- Uh--uh, the river.

- The river?

- Okay,
I can't do this anymore.

Maya, I know that I have been
messing up all day.

But before you fire me,

I think you should know that
I am a really good manager

and--and--and--and
I command respect

and I don't do drugs

and I don't steal
Splenda packets.

- Amy, I asked you to lunch

because I thought a break
from the store

might help you chill out, girl.

- Really?
- Yes.

I am not here
to fire anybody.

- Okay, 'cause, um,
today has been a disaster.

I mean, I would fire me.

- It has been weird.
- Yeah.

- Sure, but you're nervous.
I get it.

When the DM would visit
my store,

I would sweat through my shirt.

- Yeah, there's a storm brewing
underneath here.

- Yeah.

- So then if I--if I wanted
to get

a glass of wine, is...

- I mean, you are going back
to the store after this,

though, right?

- Yeah, no, I just--I meant
for later,

for a friend--you're just
joking.

Of course.
I knew that.

I got it.
- [laughs]

- Can I have some
of the house red?

That's not a waiter.
It's just a man.

- Get out.
- What?

What?
[tool clangs]

- Oh!
- Oh.

- Uh, Bo, Maya's not here.

You don't have to keep
pretending to be an employee.

- Oh, no, it's cool.
Glenn hired him.

- Yeah, what's up?
Your boy Dave is here to stay.

Ah!
- I'm sorry, Glenn?

Why would Glenn--
- Hey, Preet, go to two.

Oh, uh, Jonah,
we've got a Hazmat situation

over in housewares.

Grab a pair of gloves
and head over.

Preety, I need those POUs.

- Why would--do I have to?

Was he wearing a tie
this morning?

- And I was like,
"I don't care. Write me up."

I am not doing a Latin accent
to sell some queso.

- Oh, my God,
that happened to me,

but with salsa.

- [laughs]

- We have so much in common.

[laughs]

- I like you, Amy.

Hell, that's why I stuck around
another day.

[upbeat accordion music
playing]

You know,
I just wanna make sure

that you're being...careful.

♪

- Uh, what do you mean?

- I know about
your branch's history

with unionizing.

- [clears throat]
Mm-hmm.

- And in my experience,

These things never go away.

- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

- I mean, I'm not saying
that you're caught up

in all of this,

but if corporate even thinks

that you're helping the union,

you will be throwing away

your future with them.

- My--my future with corporate?
- Yes, girl.

You are bright.
Your numbers are great.

Chicago could really use
somebody like you.

Well, I don't know what to say.

- Protect your future, chica.
You could be going places.

Salud.

♪

- Anytime one of you is tempted
to steal this money,

Mateo is gonna spray you
in the face

with that squirt bottle.

- Now,
is it just water in there?

For legal reasons,
let's say yes.

- This is messed up.
- What's that?

- [mutters softly]
- That's what I thought.

I'm gonna check on Gerald,

see if he's done crying
in the men's room.

In the meantime, Mateo,

don't be stingy
with the squirts.

- Don't worry.
I'm not gonna squirt anyone.

I know you're not gonna
steal the money.

- We should steal it,
at least get my 200 bucks back.

- What 200?
- The fee for this

ridiculous class.

- Wait, Cloud 9 is charging you
to take this?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

- So the company won't file

a police report
so long as you pay $200?

- These people, they're evil.

- Oh, trust me.
You have no idea.

.

- Jen went home sick,
so I'm putting you on deli.

But don't eat that ham,

'cause that's what made
Jen sick.

Okay.

Oh, thank God.

Oh.

Alex, could you--thank you.

And get out.

So how'd it go?

- Oddly, really well.
Guess I'm still the manager.

- Yeah, great.

See, I knew you'd be okay.

- You sure did.
- Yeah.

Hey, you guys.
I'm sorry, Bo.

It turns out,
I'm not the manager.

So you're not hired.
- Whoa, this is not okay.

Look at this thing.

This display's my masterpiece
right here.

If I'm not staying here,
neither are my turtles.

Turt-turt, we're out of here.
[shelf scraping]

- Oh...

I mean,
I guess that's only fair.

- Well, it's
Amy's problem now.

- I've got the bucket
of wet socks.

Where is everyone?

On one of their
precious bathroom breaks?

- I let them go.

- You what?

- I just couldn't stand
the fact

that this company
was extorting these people

out of their
hard-earned money.

It wasn't right.
- Huh.

Wait.

Did you take
their money instead?

- Well, it had
to go somewhere.

- Uh-huh.

Half to me
for a new security camera,

and I look the other way.

- A third.

- Your hand is like velvet.

- I sleep with gloves on.
- Hmm.

- And then she said she thought
I was smart and capable,

which, duh.

And I mean,
I know this is silly,

but she even mentioned
something like--

I don't know--someone like me
had a future at corporate.

- [scoffs]
Wow.

Sounds like corporate's really
pulling out all the stops.

Taking you to lunch,

trying to buy your allegiance

with some bogus
career opportunity--

It's the same crap
they pulled with Jeff.

- Well, I mean, I don't know
that it was a ploy.

I mean, is it
so hard to believe

she just thinks
I'm a good manager?

- No, no. You're obviously
a great manager.

It's just there's always
an agenda with these people.

Anyway, it's not like you're
truly considering going off

to be an executive at Cloud 9.

- Ha. Yeah.

I mean, could you imagine--
me going off to the dark side?

- [chuckles]

- Why are there pictures
of Jerusha in my office?

- Sandra, relax. This is gonna
be a fun little road trip.

I'm telling you,
it's the fantasy wedding venue.

- Uh-huh. Yeah, it's just--

I'm curious
what other people think,

so maybe Marcus
could join us?

- There's no time.

We want to get there
before sunset.

God, you're gonna love it--

beautiful cliffside views
and super remote.

I mean, no one for miles.

Sandra. Sandra!
[tires screech]

Sandra, what happened?

Did you fall out?
Where are you going?

Sandra!