All language subtitles for The Scotts s02e01.enng

I need to win my wife back.

Will you...

..marry me again?

Vincent! Get out of that swan!
VINCENT GASPS

You and me...right here.

Henry had an accident at work.
HENRY SIGHS

It's likely that I will never
scaffold again.

And then I got offered a job!

Woohoo!

I can totally picture you
running a wee cafe.

I'm late. Late for what?

Oh. Oh!

I'm gonnae be a daddy.

It's gonnae be the best wean
this family's ever seen.

RASPY BREATHING

The three most important
things about pregnancy.

One, the health of the baby.

Two, the health of the mum.

Three, having an absolutely
bangin' gender reveal party.

DOOR SLAMS

DARREN PANTS

So, you want everything
pink and blue,

right? Aye.

I was thinking...

..I could hang these in here
like wallpaper.

Maybe, aye. Aye.

And...wee cocktail sticks that are
all just pink and blue sweeties.

Oh, that's good.

And I saw these things.

We could hang few of these up
around the house.

Seriously?

Aye. They smell nice.

They go in the toilet pan,
you big donkey jacket.

Do they? Can you imagine
Vincent and Vonny

seeing our house decorated
with toilet blocks?

THEY HOWL WITH LAUGHTER

Stop. Whew!

This isnae just any party, Darren.

This is our first event as a family.

I mean, this is going to show what
we're gonnae be like as parents.

So bog cleaner dangling from the
walls isnae the way to go?

I want people to leave here saying,
"See that family? They're amazing."

Well, it's only the truth.

Your fingers are bowfin of toilets.
SHE GAGS

Oh, yes.

Right, Gucci Baby-gro.

How much do you reckon?
Pff! I dread to think.

450 quid. For a Baby-gro?

What kind of dick would pay
450 quid for a Baby-gro?

Well, no' me.

I'm paying 900 quid for two of them.

LAURA SNORTS
Vonny, you and I

can totally take the wee one
out in the pram together.

I'm throwing myself
into civilian life,

being a part of what's going on.

And if that means getting
excited about Colette's baby,

then, by God, I will get excited.

I'm really looking forward
to the baby coming.

HENRY CHUCKLES
I am! Aye!

Laura is the best auntie
for the toddler years,

and I will be the cool auntie
that provides a few cheeky gins

when they turn 11.
You would, as well.

Well, it never did your Erin
any harm.

You'd better not have!
VONNY LAUGHS

And the baby's gonnae need
a wee pair of Crocs, as well,

for beach patrol with Uncle Vincent.

You know, some might say
you're going too far

with all this baby stuff.

Who might say? Darren.

Big Groot? Who taught him
how to say 'hings?

Colette told me you've been buying
hunners of baby presents.

We put the work in
and we saved our marriage

and that made me realise that I
could have amazing relationships

with everybody in the family.

So, I hope everybody's ready
for a whole new Vincent.

God help us.

Just your cool the beans.

But it's the best of gear.

I've got them this highchair
last night.

It is the Ferrari of high chairs.

You're the Ferrari of big-headed
flashy bastards.

You're stepping on
the father's toes.

Henry, do you just sit
in your office all day

thinking about all the things
that Vincent's doing wrong?

Turns out I couldnae scaffold again.

I just run my company now.

Sitting in a wee office
making business deals.

I love it.

Yous don't get it, all right?
You've never been a da.

Oh, here we go. The gospel
according to Herman Munster.

The da wants to buy the stuff.

That is the role of the da -
to provide.

But Stauner McGregor
cannae afford this high chair,

and it's got a wee heater
in the seat and everything.

Oh, just what you want
in the morning -

a wee piping hot baked nappy.

Gie Darren his place or
you'll cause problems.

And you might want to dial it down
a wee bit and all.

We haven't had a baby in this family
for 21 years.

If anything,
I will be dialling it up.

PHONE VIBRATES

LAURA GASPS
Oh, my God!

Colette's having a
gender reveal party!

SIGH OF EXASPERATION

Gender reveal party? Ha!

A lot of shite.

Yay.

Invite a bunch of people
round to your house

to tell them what type of genitals
your wean has

and get a present off them
for the privilege?

Garbage.

I've prepared for some tough
challenges in the Octagon,

but preparing to be a da
is tougher than all of them.

I want to step up and show Colette
that I'm 50% of this relationship.

Is 50% half?

Colette, what percentage
of this relationship am I?

Being a loving family man isn't just
about throwing your money around.

I mean, we can all do that -
well, not all of us, but I can.

You've got to give people your time.

I'd rather have the money!

Right, Mammy, that's it all set up.

All you need to do now
is just stick it on your head.

I'll stick my head on you

if you come anywhere near me
with that thing.

Oh, but, Mammy, this is
what the future looks like.

I just thought that introducing you
to one of my hobbies would

help bring us closer together.

Just check up on me once a week
and make sure I'm no' dead.

That's plenty.

But that's not plenty, Mammy.
No' for me.

I'm still that wee boy
you held at your breast.

You were bottle-fed.

Henry was sucking
all the hours of the day.

I was shot by the time
you popped out!

Right. It took me to have Colette

before I was ready to go back
to that carry-on.

The only one denied the teat. Oh.

That explains A LOT.

Nae harm to you, son,
but I've done my time with you.

Your time?

Parenthood is a term -
like the jail.

And once you've served time
with your weans,

then you're free!

She's joking, right?

I lived through Bible John,
Thatcher and a pandemic.

I don't do jokes.

GAS HISSES

Absolute class.

BEATBOXING

HIGH-PITCHED:
Night fever, night fever...

We know how to do it.
GIGGLING

Night fever?

It's shite fever you are giving me.

Deflated balloons
isnae the aesthetic.

And nae gangster rap the day, AJ.

Family, friendly, wholesome.

CHILD: Sorry, Mrs.
Get on, ya wee bastard!

Get that ball out of here
or I'll bust it!

MUSIC PLAYS: WAP by Cardi B
Whores in this house There's whores in this house...

I said wholesome!

Wholesome, you?
I thought you were joking.

I said certified freak
Seven days a week...

VINCENT SIGHS
DISTANT RAPPING

Men of Drumchapel,

the best-looking woman
you've ever seen

has just arrived on your street.

Lay down your bongs
and run to your windows!

VINCENT LAUGHS
Laura.

All right?

Is that stupid wig covering your
lugholes? What did I tell you?

Look, it's just a few wee gifts,
right? Trinkets, mere trinkets.

It's like Santa's grotto in there!
Want to come in and sit on my knee,

ask me for a new angle grinder?
You're no' hearing me.

What you're doing to Darren
is emasculating. Emasculating?

You been reading Erin's textbooks?

You're tearing the guy's willy off
through his pocket!

It's a financial scale 'hing,
all right?

Damage-wise,
this amount of presents to me

is the same as that amount
of presents to you

and like this amount of presents
to Darren.

Don't bring all that stuff in.

I know male psychology.

I've got a sixth sense for
when a doing is in the air,

and right now, the air is thick with
the smell of Vincent's baws

and Darren's feet.
LAURA GAGS

For you. Ooh!

Is this a Vonny Colada? Mm-hm.
It'll help us to ironically enjoy

whatever garish horror-fest
Colette has in store.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Oh! The Vonny Colada,
the best cocktail ever.

And she won't share
the secret recipe.

I just hammer every drink
imaginable into a shaker

until it turns bright green and
makes your lips go numb.

It sent Elaine Page into a coma
at Michael Ball's 50th.

Oh-ho-ho! There he is.

I telt the rest of the Sons of
Anarchy you couldnae come out today.

I have been thinking girl
the whole way through it

and then, yesterday,

I was trying on a pair of wee
brown pumps in Marks, right?

And I just went, "It's a boy."

Well, we'll find out today,
won't we?

They're the same make of balloons

Harry and Meghan had
at their wedding.

Vonny has taste.

There's nothing puts me under
pressure like her

running her eye round my house.

Oh, here he is. Wreck-It Ralph.

Vincent. Here you go.
And one present.

Le presente solitaire. Enjoy.

Take care of that, love.

And as for the human
spirit level there...

What?

TUTTING AND SIGHING

My house is perfection.

People are gonnae be saying, "Aye,
Colette's party was dead classy."

Anybody got any gear?
You listen to me, Ronnie.

This is a charming, wholesome
family affair we're putting on.

Don't worry. I'll be charming.

You'd better be!
And nae football patter.

Don't you worry about that. Here.

Oh, thanks.

Sorry. It's a shawl.

Handed down through the family.

In fact, it's the shawl
my father wore!

RONNIE LAUGHS
Oh, there he is.

Big scent of a woman.

There he is.
Big scent of an arsehole.

Colette, these cakes are delicious.

Wherever did you get them?
Laura made them. Oh.

Wee bit of an aftertaste.
SHE SPITS

Oh, could she not put
family squabbles to the side

for our big day?

These are beautiful, Laura.

You know, I've noticed
a big difference in you

since you started running that cafe.

And effervescence. A glow.

BELL RINGS
One cheese sandwich!

I love it!

Lovely. Thank you.

I'm really proud of you.

Oh, that's so sweet of you to say.
Eh... Oh! Come on.

Aww. Thank you, Vincent.

Nah, you're welcome. You're welcome.

You'd better watch yourself. What?

Took me a while to figure out how
new Vincent could help Henri,

but I got there -
relationship advice.

Relationship advice?

The man and his wife make
Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson

look like the old couple fae Up.

That is a woman reborn.

Rapunzel has touched grass.

She's got options.

Options of what? Lovers, mate.

A woman may take a lover.

This conversation's done. Hey!

I had to face a few home truths
to save my marriage, right?

Vonny's lovers before me...
Right, stop saying lovers.

..they were dancers, bro.

I had to up my game literally 5,000%

to give Vonny the kind of sexual
extravaganza she deserves.

Now, Laura,
she deserves more than...

..this. I know what you deserve.

I started this wee yoga class,
right? Got myself agile, supple.

You could come to the yoga with me.
Maybe get that pelvis opened.

Do you actually think

that you and me are gonnae
go to a yoga class together

so we can both learn
how to shag better?

I'm just saying.

A woman may take a lover.

You're trying too hard
to help everybody

and you're pissing people off.

People will come round, Vincent.
Just keep plugging away.

Ha! That's the exact thing
he said to his hair doctor.

COLETTE LAUGHS

So, this is what we've done
with the nursery.

I... I say done.

We haven't even started, actually.

Oh, it's going to be spectacular.

Nibbles?

No.

Why, monsieur, with these
sniders fae a freezer shop

you're really spoiling us.

They're no fae a freezer shop.
Aye, they are.

They're fae Waitrose.
Is Waitrose the name of

the freezer shop between the chemist
and the bookies? Easy, now.

Kings and paupers alike
love a frozen spring roll.

I'm actually going to do a big
Muriel on this wall. Do a big what?

A big Muriel.

Oh. Lucky Muriel.

I'm not an artist or anything, but
I'll make it look good for the wean.

Well, listen. See the woman
that waxes my body hair?

Her man's a graffiti artist.
He's done some of

they buildings in the toon.
I could get him on this.

No, we don't... Hey, no,
don't worry about it.

I'll pay for it. Vincent...
Oh, we would love that, actually.

A wee touch of proper
art history for the wean.

Cos we're classy like that.

DARREN SIGHS
I wanted to do the Muriel.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

You know, I never wanted kids,

but when I see what I've been
missing out on...

SNORTING

Genuine question.

See, if you and your girlfriend
wanted to have a wean,

how would you go about it?
Oh, my God.

I just mean, would you go
to some random donor

or would your girlfriend consider
asking somebody you know to...

What a desperate attempt to get sex!

Get your own girlfriend.
VONNY GIGGLES

See the West End aftershow parties
I used to go to?

You just grabbed somebody,
you had your fun

and then you worried about
the gender reveal in the morning.

Do you miss dancing? Oh, God. Yeah.

I still harbour these notions
of a glorious comeback.

But I'm a civilian now

and I'm going to give civilian life
every ounce of my being,

even if everything about it
is utterly awful.

I'm just going to have to learn
to enjoy my silly relatives

and their corny parties.

MOIRA: It's daft finding out early!

Aye. It takes away half
the joy of the birth.

And a party? Ha!

Everything's a bloody production
this weather.

Here, you think this is a palaver?

Wait until the first time she's
got to change her nappy.

THEY LAUGH

I'm made up for them, but...

..what is that wean in for?

Diabolical behaviour.

But I'm pregnant and majestic
and I'm rising above it.

SHE INHALES

Slow breaths.

You're at your baby's
lovely wee garden party.

Calm blue sea.

Dan! I'm busting that ball,
ya wee dick!

Oh! This is a charming, wholesome
family affair we're putting on.

Get down off that ladder! Are you
trying to give me a heart attack?

Get down before I knock you down,
you big spring onion.

You're at a party!

I cannae see a thing that
needs fixed and no' fix it.

That's just the way I am.

Your light's no' on right.

COLETTE GRUNTS
Oh! Hey.

Oh!

What are you doing?

Would you do this if you were at
a party at Vincent and Vonny's?

What about Vincent and Vonny's?

Shove being pregnant and majestic.

Two hoity-toity wee cows
sniding about me?

COLETTE LAUGHS
This is what I was built for.

Smirking at my gender reveal?

See if I see you...

See if I see you...

See if I see you eyeballing...
SHE SOBS

I don't know what's wrong with them!
SHE SNIFFS

I don't do this!

Gonnae do the honours, Laura?

Tear a strip off them!

COLETTE SOBS

Well, you'd better
not even think about

handing me a bag of your laundry
to wash any time soon, lady.

Aye, don't say anything
you'll regret, Laura.

And you?

Are you about ready
to jump back in now?

Aye.

Cheers, hen.

Who would have thought
the only one to have my back

would have been the outcast
of the family?

And see you?

See if I see you eyeball
my Artex one more time?

I'll rattle your dish
that hard against it

there'll be crop circles
in your forehead.

My house might be shite
compared to yours,

but at least I aspire
to better things!

What does Eddie Hearn always say,
Laura? I have no idea.

Nae passion, nae point!

Well, Eddie Hearn
sounds like a wise man.

Saying my party's corny?

You hurted my feelings.

And we have made this house nice,
as well!

You better stop hitting me
with Babybel!

TEARFULLY: This is a good home
and I'm going to be a good mother!

SHE SOBS

SOFT TAP ON DOOR

COLETTE SNIFFS

The smoked cheese will be
all right for eating, eh?

Cos it's wrapped in that
mad orange stuff.

SOBBING

Can I?

LOUD SNIFF

I don't want a life that's cheap and
wee and tacky for my wee lassie.

Oh, no!
Now I've ruined the surprise!

Oh...

Her life isn't going to be cheap
or wee.

And as for tacky,

that is the word everyone used
to describe the Cats movie

and that was only a perfect film.
COLETTE BREATHES SHAKILY

But I'm usually bold as brass,
Laura.

This pregnancy has got me
no' like myself.

I keep going,
"What if I cannae do this?"

Colette.

With you as a mum, this baby is
going to be the most protected baby

in the whole wide world.

Is that cos I'm a psycho? Yes.

THEY LAUGH

Aww.

And can you not just imagine Darren
with a wee girl?

Wrapped round her finger. Mm-hm.

You are going to be amazing.

Come here.

Oh!

I can't believe I'm the first one
you told about the baby!

I was saving the surprise
for a few weeks' time,

but Colette's upset
and I want to fix it.

Oh, sorry.
I've got something nice for you.

What is it? Come outside and see.

Come on. You'll need to help me up.
Come on.

I'll see you in a minute, Laura.

What is that?

I bought the pram. Oh, the pram!

The neighbour across the road's been
keeping it for me. Come, come...

So, while I was out showing
Colette's pals my motor,

I hear Colette is crying.

This new Vincent wants to put
a smile back on that we face.

Henry, what is that?

Colette went pram shopping
and she liked two prams.

One was a belter.
They could never afford it.

But me? I could buy enough of
they prams for every baby in Glesga

and still have two prams left over
to push around my big baws.

Remember that thing you said
that you and Darren wanted,

but yous could never afford?

What, the pram?

Vincent, wait...

Oh, no.

Alaka-PRAM!
COLETTE GASPS

Oh, my God, Vincent.

Oh, wait till Lynn Weir clocks this
on Instagram.

Darren, come and see this!

Where's...

What's that you've got, Darren?
What is it?

First he takes away my big Muriel,
and now this.

HE SIGHS
I just wish I could be the one

getting Colette and the baby
all the best of things.

I just wish...I'd done better.

So, this is the pram, lassies.

You know, frankly, we couldn't
afford it but...Vinny's minted.

Darren bought her a pram.
He was just about to give her it.

I know. I... I saw him.

What did I tell you,
ya baldy-bullet?

Generous to a fault.

That's the saying, isn't it?

Now I get it.

She loves it now, so Darren'll just
need to get his money back. No.

No, this is what we'll do. Listen.

MUSIC: Drive by Clean Bandit
When you find a love that's right You can drive all night

D-Drive all night...
I do love it.

What'd you think, Ma?
It's a brammer.

It is, isn't it?

I just love all they wee
delicate touches.

It's understated and classy.
I love it.

Erm...
We should probably collapse it.

Just to make sure that it
works and all that.

I'll show you how. Right.

I think it just goes something
like that and then down

and then it kind of...

Argh! Oh? Oh, my hand!

Oh, I've got my hand
in the mechanism!

My hand's trapped in the mechanism.

I told you about that make.
They're deathtraps.

Are they? Oh, yeah. My friend
genuinely lost the end of her finger

with that type of pram.
Aye. True story.

I told you to get her the OTHER
pram that she liked. Aye.

I only got this one
cos it's more expensive

and I'm an ostentatious arsehole

with insecurities because of
my relationship with my da

but I knew the other one
was b-better!

Oh, miles and miles better.

Oh, I'm going to have to take
this one back now and swap it

for the other one - the better one.
Naw, naw, naw.

You don't need to do that. Why?

Henry, this is sore. Henry.

Henry, real, real, real.

Hey, real. It's real.

I'm Vincent Scott MD.

The pram I bought was the best,
not a deathtrap.

We just pretended it was.

See, I'm just all about the family,
and you know what?

Darren's family and all.

I would like to thank
my beautiful man, Darren,

for saving the day with
my gorgeous new pram.

And to tell him that you are all
I could ever want from my man.

Don't start the sentimental shite!
Och, shut up, you.

Pregnancy might make other people
doubt themselves, but not me.

We're going to be amazing parents.
There'll always be us.

And you can thank we're tacky
if you like, but I think we're class

Right, Darren. You ready?

Ready.

MUSIC: Raise Your Glass by P!nk
Ha! Oh! Oh, hey!

CHEERING

It's... It's a girl!

No, that's DEFINITELY a man.

Congratulations, hen.

Oh, and congratulations
on the wean and all.

Oh, wow, it's a girl! Who would
have ever have thought that?

COLETTE LAUGHS

Well, feel free to fire your cannons
and your powder.

Right, here we go!
CHEERING

GUESTS WHOOP

I knew there'd be gear!

Now this is what you call a party.
HE SNIFFS

Aargh!

Ha-hey!

AJ SNORES

Old Vincent could never have let
Darren take the glory like that.

Cheers. Cheers, boys.
Cheers. Let's do them.

But new Vincent feels good.

I feel great.

Mary Francis got me
a wee bottle set.

Personal choice, hen,
but breast-feeding

is the greatest gift a mother
could give her child.

Lasted two minutes.

Woohoo!

Did I tell you it was a girl?
You did, aye. See you later.

When I've not got
my own shit together,

I sometimes get my kicks out of
being a touch, um... Snide?

But it's got nothing
to do with your party,

or your house, which is...

..astonishingly Colette.

Thanks. Might call
my next album that.

Now...

..let me have it.

Oh! Any idea how long
I've waited to do this?

COLETTE LAUGHS

CHATTER

Aff my nut, Jason, man.

We got there in the end.

In the end, it was...

It was nice.

We'll see yous at the baby shower!
What?! Aye.

MOIRA SIGHS
See you later!

There's a guy coming into
the cafe firing into Laura.

Don't you think he looks a
little bit like Ryan Reynolds?

Do you think I could
be an inspiration

to all the pregnant woman out there?

Aye.

We look like the knock-off
Toy Story characters

that people paint on the side
of an ice cream van.

Ta-da!

How am I meant to look

like the living manifestation
of Mother Nature

when there's two wee guys down there
smoking joints and catching guppies?

I'm no' enjoying being pregnant.

Just in for a wee coffee.

Apparently they're making a film
about here. Oh, really?

What one of you bastards
looks like Ryan Reynolds?

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