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1
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,465
-Happy Chris-wanza-kah Solstice
2
00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,843
for the winter spirits,
everyone.
3
00:00:09,884 --> 00:00:14,014
-You left out Boxing Day and
Flobert's Canadian by marriage.
4
00:00:14,055 --> 00:00:15,515
-If we weren't
such tolerant people,
5
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:18,601
I'd be taking my nog
in the hall.
6
00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:20,770
-Open my gifts next.
7
00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:22,480
Why aren't you opening?
8
00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:26,317
-Ruth Bader Ginsburg pearls.
9
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:29,195
And they're court worn.
10
00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:30,613
-The criminal records
11
00:00:30,655 --> 00:00:33,700
of the meanest mean girls
in my law school.
12
00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:37,662
-Holy cow.
Dave & Buster's gift cards!
13
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:41,875
That's my favorite restaurant
andmy favorite store.
14
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:43,418
-Gift giving -- sorta my thing.
15
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,712
I haven't given a bad one
since 2013
16
00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:48,631
when I got my cousin that trip
to rock star fantasy camp.
17
00:00:48,673 --> 00:00:51,760
How was I supposed to know
there'd be so many STDs?
18
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,513
-And now for the Dan finale!
19
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:58,224
It will have to wait because
your gift still isn't here yet.
20
00:00:58,266 --> 00:00:59,893
So I guess we just go work.
21
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:02,270
-Wait, wait, whoa, whoa.
I haven't given out my gifts.
22
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:03,730
-Well, I guess we didn't
expect gifts from you,
23
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:05,523
based on your core nature
and everything you've done
24
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,817
in your life up to this point.
25
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,402
-Shows you what you know.
26
00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:12,906
-Scratch-off lottery tickets.
You shouldn't have.
27
00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:14,866
And I suspect, almost didn't.
28
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,202
-And you signed the back,
29
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:19,579
because who doesn't
love an autograph?
30
00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,790
-The signature guarantees that
I get a cut of the winnings.
31
00:01:21,831 --> 00:01:23,750
You know, it's the thought
that counts,
32
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,961
and, well,
I think I deserve more money.
33
00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:28,254
-I don't buy it, Dan.
34
00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:29,464
You get caught up
in the holiday spirit
35
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:30,715
just like the rest of us.
36
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,301
-I suppose there is
something magical
37
00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:36,262
about this time of year.
-Why are you smiling?
38
00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:39,599
I mean, it's what I wanted, but
now that it's happening, yikes!
39
00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:41,351
-Tonight, a lot
of people's Christmases
40
00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:43,645
are gonna be ruined
because of you.
41
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,273
And I think that's fun.
42
00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:49,442
But to put it
in more festive terms,
43
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,486
'Twas the night
before Christmas,
44
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,613
and all through the court,
45
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:56,950
there were sex workers
and muggers, of every odd sort.
46
00:01:56,991 --> 00:02:00,745
There were pub-crawling Santas
and pickpockets and drifters,
47
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:05,458
and a pretty tough knife-fight
between two angry re-gifters.
48
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:09,671
The festive old Judge,
who just loved the season,
49
00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:14,509
was crushed all night long
by hard facts and cold reason.
50
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:18,430
She wanted to be Rudolph,
or maybe a cartoon St. Bernard,
51
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:22,600
but because it's her job,
she had to Grinch it real hard.
52
00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:28,481
Despite a perfect defense,
off to prison they'll head.
53
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:31,359
Merry Chris-wanker-whatever
54
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:34,654
and all that sugary crap,
she said.
55
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,535
-Okay.
He did a whole poem.
56
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:42,871
That guy totally likes
Christmas!
57
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:48,835
**
58
00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:51,212
When a kid sets a series
of elaborate traps
59
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:52,881
to catch burglars,
it's "Home Alone."
60
00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:57,260
When a grown man does it to
a Postmate, it's a "Saw" movie.
61
00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:03,350
Enjoy jail, ya filthy animal.
62
00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:06,311
-When I was a kid,
I reverse Home Alone'd.
63
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:09,022
I left my family
and went to France.
64
00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:11,441
-That's disappointing.
The last three guys pulled off
65
00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:15,195
the old, "But Your Honor,
it's Christmas."
66
00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:17,322
-Sorry to ruin your poem, Dan,
67
00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,282
but this isn't bothering me
at all.
68
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,201
Your rhyme should have
gone something like
69
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:22,369
"'Twas the night
before Christmas,
70
00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:25,997
and Dan was a jerk...at work."
71
00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:29,584
There's no way you came up
with all that on the spot.
72
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,464
-The People vs. Tess Potter.
73
00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,883
-The defendant is charged
with disturbing the peace.
74
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,386
She tried to lead an uprising
against a mall Santa
75
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:41,763
she accused of taking
too many breaks.
76
00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:43,890
-Your Honor, Miss Potter
and her daughter
77
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,225
were standing in line
for three hours
78
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:46,726
waiting to see Mr. Kringle.
79
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,937
Oh, did I mention that
her daughter has rosy cheeks
80
00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:50,647
and an adorable lisp?
81
00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:54,776
[ With a lisp ] And this is
her first Christmas...
82
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:57,028
since the divorce.
83
00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:00,573
-Objection.
[ Baby-talk ] Pandewing.
84
00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:04,869
-I sympathize,
but I'm not sure
85
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:07,414
that the best way to capture
the holiday spirit
86
00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:11,918
is to "bust into Santa's
dumb little house
87
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,296
and drag his fat ass
back to work."
88
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,965
-She did not know
that Santa's little house
89
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,758
was also his bathroom.
90
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:21,970
-I needed her to meet Santa
91
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:24,264
so I could find out
what she wants for Christmas.
92
00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:28,351
She thinks if she tells
anyone else, it won't come true.
93
00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,812
-Those are birthday candle
rules.
94
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:32,772
-Her father told her
that's how it worked,
95
00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:36,568
to screw with me before he left
for Cabo with his new girlfriend
96
00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:40,488
and her parents who are my age.
97
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,407
-I know you're having
a hard time,
98
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,659
but you also traumatized
a group of kids
99
00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:47,328
and the free sample guy
from Orange Julius.
100
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,497
So $500 fine.
-But, Your Honor...
101
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,499
-[ Gasps ] Here it comes!
102
00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:56,004
-...it's Christmas.
103
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,881
**
104
00:04:57,922 --> 00:04:59,716
-Aren't you supposed
to be watching me
105
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:02,927
until my mom gets back
from processing?
106
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:06,014
-You're good.
I got to keep refreshing.
107
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,682
My perfect gift streak
is in jeopardy,
108
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,476
because Dan's present
still hasn't shown up.
109
00:05:09,517 --> 00:05:10,977
-What did you get him?
110
00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:14,606
-A video message from his hero,
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
111
00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:17,942
-I guess that's okay.
112
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:20,653
-Gurgs?
I need a favor.
113
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:22,072
This is a witness
in a case later.
114
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:23,490
She thinks she's
the Ghost of Christmas Present,
115
00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:24,991
and I got to keep
an eye on her.
116
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:30,121
-Until you appreciate the true
meaning of Christmas!
117
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:33,583
-Until I can get her
a psych evaluation.
118
00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:35,377
Can you watch her for me?
-I'd love to,
119
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:36,586
but I've got to watch Virginia.
120
00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:38,588
I mean, I guess we could trade.
121
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:42,050
-Kid or delusional ghost?
122
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,386
Let's go, bathrobe.
123
00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:48,556
-That kid's stuck here
on Christmas Eve?
124
00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,767
Oh, I wish there was something
I could do.
125
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:53,061
-You know, before you feel too
bad, just know that her dad
126
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:56,272
is definitely coming back
from Cabo with cornrows.
127
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,692
She can't blame you for that.
128
00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:01,277
-Sorry, Dan. I wasn't listening.
129
00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:03,655
I gotta go save Christmas.
130
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,741
-Hey. I think you could
pull off cornrows.
131
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:08,702
-Hey, you're not a good friend.
132
00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:11,871
-Miss Potter.
133
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,873
I think I can get your
daughter's Christmas list.
134
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:15,709
-Oh, it's a Christmas miracle.
135
00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:19,170
Getting her list
and waiving my fine?
136
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,215
It was worth a shot.
137
00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:24,134
I'm gonna go check the lost
and found for wedding rings,
138
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:27,095
'cause apparently those things
don't mean anything any more.
139
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:31,307
-Hi, Virginia. I'm Abby.
-Nice to meet you.
140
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,727
-Hmm. No lisp.
141
00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:35,520
Dan!
142
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:39,065
I'm really sorry that you
didn't get to talk to Santa,
143
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:41,401
but I might be
the next best thing.
144
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,028
-You're an elf?
145
00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:47,157
-No, I'm -- I'm not an elf.
146
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:51,786
-Then why are you tiny
and look like my keychain?
147
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:55,957
-I'm a judge, and I got
Santa Claus connections,
148
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,626
so is there anything that
you'd like me to give to him?
149
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:01,087
Maybe a letter?
-I already gave him my letter
150
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,882
when I saw him in the cafeteria.
-Oh, that's smart.
151
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,092
Let's go see
if he has any follow-ups.
152
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:08,678
Here's a room
full of holiday spirit.
153
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:14,851
And that spirit appears
to be mostly vodka.
154
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:21,483
-All right, Virginia.
155
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,817
Which one of these Santas
did you give your letter to?
156
00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:25,278
Is it that one
taking a table nap,
157
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,781
or that one all cozied up
on the ground?
158
00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:31,910
-Where did all these Santas
come from?
159
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:35,497
-Well, every year, the city's
drunks gather together
160
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:38,541
for a gin-soaked freak fest
known as SantaCon.
161
00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:41,336
-Maybe she's too young
to learn about SantaCon.
162
00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:42,712
-Fair enough.
163
00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:44,756
Virginia, these are
Santa's body doubles.
164
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,425
Are you familiar
with Saddam Hussein?
165
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,802
-I got an idea.
166
00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:50,303
Why don't you take Virginia
somewhere else
167
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:52,222
and I'll track down
the real Santa?
168
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:55,433
-[ Laughs ]
-[ Mumbling ]
169
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,852
-This is gonna be harder
than that "Where's Waldo?"
170
00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,522
when he went to
the candy cane factory.
171
00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:02,565
Bottom left corner!
172
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,735
-Behold!
173
00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:10,865
That woman texting loved ones
at this joyous time of year.
174
00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:15,578
Kind of makes you want to
change your miserly ways, huh?!
175
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,288
-You know [clears throat]
176
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:20,750
don't take this the wrong way,
but you're not much of a ghost.
177
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:23,003
You're just looking
around the room
178
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,671
and telling me things
that are happening.
179
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:27,465
-In the Christmas present,
180
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,552
nudging you towards
your Christmas epiphany.
181
00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:32,554
-Here's my epiphany --
You're only here
182
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:34,472
because you witnessed
a peeping tom
183
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,725
spying on his ex-girlfriend
from a fire escape.
184
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,560
-I would have been up there,
too,
185
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,562
but I dropped my turkey leg.
186
00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:44,607
Oh, behold!
Another person on their phone!
187
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:49,738
-I need some water.
-I'll go with you.
188
00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:52,574
I have to wash my turkey leg.
189
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:56,870
-Why would you care about germs
if you're a ghost?!
190
00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:02,625
-Your website said my Kareem
video would be here by now.
191
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:06,504
What could be possibly
be the hold...up?
192
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:12,969
Ooh, uh, let me call you back.
Mr. Abdul-Jabbar.
193
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:15,930
You're not a video.
-You're Gurgs, right?
194
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:19,601
I was so moved by what you wrote
about your friend,
195
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:24,314
I decided to give this
"angel on earth"
196
00:09:24,356 --> 00:09:26,107
the best present ever --
197
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,859
me.
198
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:33,490
-Wow. Now your gift
is going to be way better!
199
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,369
-Kareem, would you be a lamb
200
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,537
and straighten
that ceiling tinsel?
201
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,915
-On it.
202
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,169
-Virginia,
we are capital-F Fudged.
203
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,171
Dan's gonna hate this.
-Why?
204
00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:49,839
You said he loves Kareem.
205
00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:52,133
-Yeah, on a tiny screen,
not in person.
206
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:55,136
Dan hates people.
207
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:57,514
That's why my video was perfect.
208
00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:59,432
Dan would get to hold
a living legend
209
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:01,726
in the palm of his hand,
mute and unmute
210
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:05,105
this titan at will, like a God.
211
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,815
That's how Dan gets his kicks.
212
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:10,235
Not by meeting somebody
richer and taller than him!
213
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,321
-So, the deal is I help you
pat down a roomful
214
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:16,825
of over-served Santas looking
for some kid's Christmas list.
215
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:20,620
And to sweeten the deal,
I get nothing in return?
216
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,248
-Well, you could get
this ticket back.
217
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,667
-Ooh! I've got a bag
full of tickets.
218
00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:28,795
-Lenny, can we have the hall?
219
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:31,464
You're right.
You do have a lot of tickets.
220
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:33,675
Do any of them have...
221
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:37,053
-[ Gasps ] Double plums!
222
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,680
-Yeah, that's right.
223
00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:41,808
Looks like we're on our way
to a real nice ticket here.
224
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:44,894
Be a damn shame if something
were to happen to it.
225
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,354
-Wh-- [ Blows ]
226
00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:48,356
Abracadabra Stone,
you look at me.
227
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:51,651
Double plums -- that's one plum
away from $1 million.
228
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:53,987
Could be ours, Abby --
yours and mine.
229
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:56,072
-Help me save this little girl's
Christmas,
230
00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,240
and the ticket's yours.
231
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:59,200
Refuse, and I roast your plums.
232
00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:00,785
-Oh. [ Blows ]
233
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,455
-Do I look like someone who
loves money more than Christmas?
234
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:07,083
-No. It disgusts me.
235
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,798
**
236
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,176
-All right. Did a letter girl
give you a letter tonight?
237
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:19,095
-This is the worst date
I've ever been on.
238
00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:21,431
Your dad seems cool.
239
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:26,853
-I think most of this is drugs.
240
00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:30,774
-If it is, the elves put 'em
in there without my knowledge.
241
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:36,654
-Yes, I am a man of size.
Yes, I have a lush beard.
242
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,740
Must I therefore be accosted
243
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:43,036
every time I wear
my favorite athleisure suit?
244
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:45,497
-At least you get cookies.
245
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,708
-What I want is
some damn respect!
246
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:54,673
-If you wanna talk to Santa,
you know what you have to do.
247
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,932
-Do you have the letter or not?
248
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,850
-I do not.
249
00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:11,481
-Hey, hey, hey.
250
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:12,816
This is stupid.
251
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,401
We're not gonna get
anywhere like this.
252
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:16,194
There are like
30 Santas left in here.
253
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,279
-We could skip the ones
with the face tattoos.
254
00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:20,907
-Oh, fine. There are 26 Santas
left in here.
255
00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:22,617
-Naughty!
-Ow! What the hell was --
256
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,703
-Naughty. Naughty.
257
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,079
Nice.
-Hey!
258
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,706
-Naughty.
259
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,666
-Virginia had one of these
elf keychains.
260
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:31,084
He must be her Santa.
261
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,419
-Yeah, his keychain looks
just like --
262
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,129
-I'm not an elf!
263
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,757
-* I won't talk
until I get some *
264
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:39,843
* I won't talk
until I get some *
265
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:42,262
* No, I won't talk
until I get some *
266
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:45,432
* So give me more beer *
267
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,933
-Just answer the question.
268
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,768
Did you get a letter
from a little girl?
269
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,770
-Yeah, I got a letter.
But why would it help you?
270
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:52,439
You're the lady
who found me guilty.
271
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,150
I want my lawyer.
-I am your lawyer.
272
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:59,112
-What if we gave you this?
-Holy crap. Two plums.
273
00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:01,031
-Hey, those are my plums.
274
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:03,742
All right, fine.
The ticket for the letter.
275
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,618
-Here, take it.
276
00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:06,911
-You know what?
It really doesn't matter.
277
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,288
If it's a winner,
I still get half.
278
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,206
It's a perfect system.
279
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:12,500
-Wait. This isn't a letter
from a little girl.
280
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:17,255
It's a cease and desist from a
strip club called "Litty Girls."
281
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,632
-Ah! Elf shoe?!
282
00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:21,760
Thanks for nothing!
283
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,596
Naughty. Naughty.
-Hey, hey, hey!
284
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,973
I hope you get
stuck in a chimney!
285
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,476
All right, well,
so much for that.
286
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:30,643
-Dan?
-Huh?
287
00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:32,020
-I think I figured out a way
288
00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:33,688
that we can get
Virginia's Christmas list.
289
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,273
-Oh, great. You know what?
I'd love to help you,
290
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,483
but it is Christmas Eve,
291
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,318
and I have a date
with my empty apartment.
292
00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:42,113
-I'm running out of places
to hide Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
293
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,574
He's not gonna leave
until he meets Dan Fielding,
294
00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:47,285
so I need you
to be Dan Fielding.
295
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,162
-No problem.
I know Dan.
296
00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:52,332
Every mannerism,
every facial tick.
297
00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:55,210
I will become Dan Fielding.
298
00:13:57,087 --> 00:14:01,299
-Dan wasn't in there.
I asked everyone.
299
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:05,220
-Um, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar, there's
someone I'd like you to meet.
300
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,681
-Hey.
301
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,724
I'm Murray Flobert.
302
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:14,854
Do you think it's too late
for me to learn basketball?
303
00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:17,315
Wait. I wasn't supposed
to say my name.
304
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,235
Oh, well. Good luck
with your play, Gurgs.
305
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,655
-You're making me
rethink everything.
306
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,365
Maybe I do rely too much on
307
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:28,368
the Ghosts of Christmas Past
and Future.
308
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:31,162
Am I the worst one?!
309
00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:35,083
Sorry I don't travel
back in time.
310
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:40,171
Sorry I can't throw an old man
in his own grave!
311
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,548
-Excuse me.
312
00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:44,134
I'm just gonna [clears throat]
escape for a second.
313
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,471
How's your night going, Gurgs?
Oh, mine?
314
00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:51,725
Oh, I've thrown a ghost
into an existential crisis
315
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,019
by pointing out
that she is not magic.
316
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,354
-Hey,
I know what that's like.
317
00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:00,025
Sometimes it felt like
it didn't matter what I did
318
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:03,695
on the court,
everybody loved Magic.
319
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:09,200
-I guess we have a lot in
common, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
320
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,496
**
321
00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:16,082
-Jingle bell, jingle bell...
322
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,876
squid.
323
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,629
Who chooses these images?
324
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:24,299
-Hey, Dan, check me out.
325
00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:28,595
This is how I'm gonna get
Virginia's Christmas list.
326
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,805
-Hi, someone call
for a psych consult?
327
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:32,390
-The consult is
no longer necessary.
328
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,767
You can just take her away.
329
00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:41,733
-So, how is this cry for help
330
00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:44,027
going to get you
the girl's Christmas list?
331
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:46,488
-Virginia already
thinks I'm an elf, so --
332
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:49,491
-Because you love cookies
and use a tiny hammer
333
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:51,493
and work on a bench?
334
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:55,080
-Yeah, I guess I do have
a lot of elf qualities.
335
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,706
-Not to mention your height.
336
00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,708
-My height
is completely average.
337
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:02,128
I can show you studies...
from the 1800s.
338
00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:06,383
Look, I know it's a long shot,
but with a little bit of luck
339
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:08,009
and a little bit of magic...
340
00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:10,053
-Ho, ho, ho!
341
00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:11,429
What are you doing?
342
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:14,182
-Uh, I was just --
Dan, Dan, do that again.
343
00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:15,266
-Do what again?
344
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,894
Ho, ho, ho!
345
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,522
-You're right.
I-I don't need to be an elf
346
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:23,400
to get her list
because you're Santa.
347
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:24,651
Virginia was with you
348
00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,403
when you met with her mom
in the cafeteria.
349
00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,571
-You don't think I'd remember a
small child giving me a letter?
350
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:31,783
-Not if the kid was nervous to
give it to the big man himself,
351
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,619
so she put it in his sack.
-Sack?
352
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,746
That is Corinthian leather.
353
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,542
-Virginia's letter.
354
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,544
Dan Fielding,
you saved Christmas.
355
00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:45,255
In your fa--
* La, la, la, la *
356
00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:47,882
* Virginia's here *
357
00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:49,551
-You are an elf!
358
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:52,220
How else would you be
best friends with Santa?!
359
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:55,557
-Oh, you think Santa
and the elves are friends?
360
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:58,435
-Santa, we have a special guest.
361
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,562
We wouldn't want to spoil
anything for her
362
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:02,647
on the most magical night
of the year.
363
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,525
-[ Chuckles ]
364
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:08,028
Ho, ho, ho.
365
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:14,617
Yes, I was just telling my
little elf friend here, Naggy,
366
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:17,662
what a good girl you've been.
367
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,456
Naggy, why don't you show us
368
00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:23,001
that elf dance
you're so famous for?
369
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:27,505
-Well, I would love to,
but I can't dance without music.
370
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:31,259
So, Santa, why don't you sing us
your favorite Christmas song?
371
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:33,136
-A ho, ho.
372
00:17:33,178 --> 00:17:35,597
Well, it's gonna sound
a lot like
373
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:38,141
the song "Tequila"
by The Champs.
374
00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:41,311
5, 6, 7, 8.
375
00:17:41,353 --> 00:17:43,605
* Bum-ba-da-da-da-bum-bum *
376
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,315
* Ba-dum-ba-da-da-da-bum *
377
00:17:45,357 --> 00:17:47,484
* Ba-da-da-da-dow *
378
00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,944
* Ba-da-da-da-d-- * Ow!
379
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,988
* Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da *
380
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:54,908
* Christmas! *
-* Christmas! *
381
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:58,203
-Mom, this is
the best Christmas ever!
382
00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:02,707
I met Santa
and a 19-time NBA All-Star!
383
00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:07,504
-And your dad's new girlfriend
got flipped on a Jet Ski!
384
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,548
Merry Christmas, everyone!
385
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,301
**
386
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:14,594
-Did you find my ghost?
387
00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:16,554
-No, did you find
my Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
388
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,014
-No.
389
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,849
-Uh, excuse me, Miss Moore?
390
00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:22,268
I'm here to evaluate the witness
you have in custody.
391
00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:25,271
-Oh, this is gonna be
so much paperwork.
392
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,441
I should have just
watched the kid.
393
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:30,026
Kids aren't so bad.
394
00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:32,529
-Epiphany!
395
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,072
-What are you doing back there?
396
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:38,702
-I dropped my turkey leg,
and I repeat, epiphany.
397
00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:42,455
-Oh, yes, Spirit.
398
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:45,083
You -- You have changed my ways.
399
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:49,879
-And I did it all by myself!
Screw you, other ghosts.
400
00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,966
Come on, Doc.
I'm on a roll.
401
00:18:53,008 --> 00:18:55,552
Get ready to hear about
some stuff that is happening.
402
00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:57,220
Ha!
403
00:18:57,262 --> 00:19:00,390
-Sorry. I was teaching Flobert
how to dribble.
404
00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:05,020
-Uh, Kareem, you are the most
interesting person alive,
405
00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:06,604
and you deserve
to know the truth.
406
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:09,858
-I'm never going
to meet Dan Fielding.
407
00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:11,609
-I know that.
How do you know that?
408
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:15,530
-No, I mean I refuse
to meet that man.
409
00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:19,325
I heard he only gives gifts
that make him money.
410
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:23,747
And his daughter stole the
shoe-shine guy's elf costume.
411
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:28,293
-Kareem, this isn't about Dan.
412
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:30,420
It's about
my perfect gift streak.
413
00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:32,047
-So, you're all selfish.
414
00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:34,966
You know, the more you pass
the ball, the more you score.
415
00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:36,718
-Is that true?
-Oh, God, no,
416
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,346
but everyone else
around here is lying.
417
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,308
-* Silent night *
-Court.
418
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:46,519
-* Holy night *
-Court.
419
00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:51,441
-* All is calm, all is bright *
420
00:19:51,483 --> 00:19:53,276
-* Court *
421
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:56,237
-Okay, okay.
You can clearly sing.
422
00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:58,281
What you can't do
is be naked in the park
423
00:19:58,323 --> 00:19:59,783
unless you're a horse.
424
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,285
Take them away.
425
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:09,751
-If you ask me, some of those
horses should be wearing pants.
426
00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:11,378
-Dan?
-Hmm?
427
00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:13,588
-I know you're still waiting
for my incredible gift.
428
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:17,467
But I just have to tell you...
I got you nothing.
429
00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:20,762
-Nothing? Nothing at all?
430
00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:23,556
Oh, G-- [ Gasps ]
431
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:25,809
[ Voice breaking ] Sorry.
432
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:28,311
I was getting
a little choked up.
433
00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:32,357
-Because for you,
the perfect gift is nothing.
434
00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:34,442
Oh! Now you don't
have to thank anybody
435
00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:36,611
or owe anybody
or any of that stuff you hate.
436
00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:39,155
I feel seen.
437
00:20:39,197 --> 00:20:41,700
-Streak's still alive.
[ Laughs ]
438
00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:45,120
-Counsel.
Please approach the bench.
439
00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:50,625
You big softy.
440
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:53,128
I saw you having cookies
in the cafeteria with Virginia.
441
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:57,716
-Oh, yeah, well, it was
delightful. She paid.
442
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,175
Did you get the list
to her mother?
443
00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:01,177
-I did.
She wants princess sheets
444
00:21:01,219 --> 00:21:02,721
and her mom and dad
to get back together.
445
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:03,888
-Hmm.
446
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:06,474
-So I think she's getting
sheets.
447
00:21:06,516 --> 00:21:07,767
-Last case of the night --
448
00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:10,437
the People vs.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
449
00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:13,982
-Your Honor, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar
and his accomplice
450
00:21:14,024 --> 00:21:17,068
were caught lurking on
Patrick Ewing's fire escape.
451
00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:20,822
-Let me do the talking, Kareem.
452
00:21:21,573 --> 00:21:25,201
-How's it going? Big fan.
453
00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:28,413
**
454
00:21:28,463 --> 00:21:33,013
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