All language subtitles for Da.Ali.G.Show.(US).1x01.Law.And.Order DVDRip XviD

America's most wanted.
Have you seen this man?

(Police radio, sirens)

'Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up nine minutes.'

Booyakasha! America has h'invented

some of the bestest things in the world -

McDonald's, gangsta rap,
spaghetti and swimming.

I like swimming.

But your country's got problems too.

There's been nuff sadness since
the terrible events of 7/11.

And there is still racialism, even to the
native people, what is they called, the...

(War cry) Them ones.

How come you never see them
in prominent jobs?

Apart from that bloke
in the Village People,

who still had a policeman, a fireman and
someone from the Navy to protect him.

So the purpose of this show
is to h'educate, to motivate

and to... (Mumbles)... ate.

This week's subject is the law.

Where is we going to now?

We're going to Valer Hall,
where we'll meet Sergeant Hyers

who'll take us through some of
the recruit scenario training.

What's going to happen today
is you're going to participate

in some Philadelphia
police recruit training.

- Wicked, man.
- We'll do some scenarios

in which the officers
will respond to some incidents.

You're gonna be 2310 car.

And any time you hear 2310 on the radio,

you'll push this side button
and say, "2310."

This is Officer Brinkman.

- (Hyers) Your new partner.
- Yo, respec'.

Yo, Brinkman, is you good cop
and I is bad cop?

- You're...
- Who's the good cop?

No, it's not... We're handling a situation.

(Ali) Yo, yo, yo.
(Radio) '2310 car.'

- There you go, 2310.
- Yo, this be me,

the main man, 2310,
with my man, Brinkman.

(Radio) 'Take 8501 State Road
and meet the complainant

- 'for a report of a burglary.'
- No doubt.

(Brinkman) Know what a burglary is?

- For real, I has done a couple.
- OK.

- You go in first.
- Put it down. We don't need it.

- I'll give you cover.
- OK, all right.

Yo, we is here looking for a burglary.

- This is my partner.
- Yo.

- What's missing?
- You his partner?

- (Woman) Yes.
- 13-inch colour television.

(Ali) You might be lying.
How do we know there was a telly?

What was you watching?

- That's good.
- He wasn't here at the time.

- So he claim.
- Phone number real quick.

Oi, that ain't the time
to get her number, man.

If you have any more questions,
just give me a call.

He's... crap.

Yo, this be 2310.
We be back on the road

after my man Brinkman
finally finished his shit.

- (Radio) 'OK, no profanity here.'
- Sorry about that.

- (Ali) Yo! Gonna put on the siren.
- (Siren)

Got the siren on.

(Laughs) No, don't put that
out the window.

What happens if they see us?

- W-What? No, keep it down.
- All right, so they don't know.

You can take this when we get out.

- Wicked.
- All right.

Yo, what's the matter with you?

Some guys jumped us, they beat us up.

You have to put this out. Look, look...

- Three men...
- Yo, three men.

One black male, one white male.

2310, there's three men.
One brother, one honky, and one...

- (Laughter)
- What's the "S"?

- Spanish.
- (Ali) One Spanish.

We refer to the person as a white male.

- Not as a honky.
- Why not?

A honky in the United States
is not a nice term for a male.

- For a... for a white person.
- Why not?

It's like an ethnic slur.

But they say you can be a honky
but still be hung like a donkey.

- Possibly.
- (Radio) '2310 car.'

They is callin' our name on the thing.

Yo, this be 2310.

'You should be at the cone shack
in the middle of the driving course.'

- The cone shack?
- There's been a burglary.

- We can't just go up and start shootin'.
- For real.

- So...
- That's him. Is that the geezer?

- Tell him to stop.
- Yo, stop it!

- Keep your distance!
- Stop it, motherfucker!

Keep your distance!

Don't move. You is fucking with
the wrong cop.

- What's going on?
- You like the taste of steel?

Keep your distance.

OK, this is what we do
on a "man with a gun" call.

- Wicked.
- OK, there he goes.

(Brinkman) Tell him to put his hands up.

Yo! Yo, mofo.

Put up your hands
or you is gonna be shot by us.

OK, tell him you see the gun.

I can see the motherfuckin' gun.
Put them up.

You can't curse.

- You can't curse.
- Tell him to get on the ground.

Yo, stick your head
in that ground and eat the dirt.

(Brinkman) OK, now put that down.

- OK, walk around him.
- Yo.

Put your right hand up, sir.

- What's he got?
- Get a hand free, take the gun.

- Where's the gun?
- Where did we see it?

- Put your gun away.
- (Hyers) Put it away.

- No, don't point it at him.
- It's fake.

- OK, that's fine.
- He's got a fake gun.

- (Hyers) Still do your job.
- OK.

- You tried this with a fake?
- He might have another.

- He might have another gun.
- You thought that was funny?

You picked the wrong cop
to fuck around with, slimeball.

We don't talk like that here.

Search him! You wanna be a cop or not?

- I don't like touching blokes.
- Let's go.

- Touching what?
- Blokes, blokes.

What's a bloke, man?

Oi, did I ask for to have a chat with you?

- Let's do the search!
- Let's go.

A crowd's starting to form,
let's get out of here.

You don't need your gun.
What do you need that for?

- What's that for?
- I don't wanna touch.

Do you wanna be a cop or not?

You came here saying,
"I wanna be a cop."

- Ah, look at this.
- What have you got?

- Where's this from?
- OK, he's got money.

- Not in your pocket!
- Why not?

- He'll say you stole it.
- He probably nicked it.

He's handcuffed.
Put it back in his pocket.

Did you get that money from someone?

- It's my money, man.
- Put the gun away!

- Come on.
- All right.

There, take your hand.
(Laughing) You gotta touch!

- That's what we do!
- That is disgusting!

That was Cop 101
at the Philadelphia Police Academy.

What did you think?

- Could I make a good cop?
- Er, probably not.

(# East European folk-pop)

Yekshemesh.

In the US and A,
if you want to marry a girl,

you cannot just go
to her father's house

and swap her for
15 gallons of insecticide.

Before American woman
will allow you in her vagine

you must do something called dating.

(# Disco rock)

My name is Jenny.

Hello, Jenny, nice to... to meet you.

Thank you for coming in today

to see if Great Expectations
is right for you.

What would you like to see happen

if you met your ideal woman?

I will love her. We will be as one.

- So, are...
- I will give her television,

remote control, a red dress,
I hope will fit her.

So you have a good life and back home

- you can provide for her?
- Yes. Yes.

- OK, great.
- But if she cheat on me...

- Why you laugh?
- I think that's sweet.

But if she cheat on me,
I will... crush her.

You will crush her?

Honey, you won't qualify for
our membership

if you're prepared to crush a woman.

You can break up with her and divorce
her but you cannot... No crushing.

Why don't you give me a little bit on...
on personality traits you're looking for?

Yes, I want her to be blonde,

I want her to have no history
of retardation in family.

If possible, she must have
plough experience.

You're not gonna find Americans
with plough experience.

Us American women,
we don't have plough experience.

But not... not much, maybe one year or...

Um, honey,
I have zero plough experience.

And she must have a good physique.

And she must be tight,

like a man's anus.

OK, attractive.

- What about race?
- Er...

- You're open to all races?
- Er, yes, but no Jew.

No Jewish, OK.

All right, tell me what you enjoy,
your interests.

I like, er, play table tennis.

I like shoot dog.

- I like...
- Snoop Dogg?

- Shoot dog. Shoot.
- Oh, OK.

Should I tell people
that I am good at sex?

- No.
- But I am...

- You don't want to say that...
- I'm more good than many men.

In America,
if you say that on your profile,

a woman won't go out with you -
she thinks that's all you want.

Even though I am big,
like a can of Pepsi?

It doesn't matter.

Women in America feel
that any act of sex, be it oral, erm...

- What does it mean, oral?
- Mouth.

- I like it in the mouth very much.
- But that's what I mean,

women in America feel
that any sex with somebody else,

even if it's using your body,
your sexual organs,

- your mouth, your hand...
- I like mouth.

We think that's cheating.

(Borat) Do I need to bring a gift?

Here's a mistake that
a lot of men make in America -

they bring too many gifts.

What size gift will get me entry...

- to her?
- What do you mean by "entry"?

To her... her vagine.

- If you want to go to bed with her?
- Yes.

Well, I can't say. Everybody's different.

How do I show her
I have a senses of humour?

- You have to practise it first.
- Yes.

- I have a joke.
- Uh-huh.

- There is a chair...
- Mm-hm.

The chair, er... walk...

with the shoes...

# La la la la la #

He walk on the street.

- Ha, ha! The chair is walking!
- Right.

- Yes.
- Well, it's a funny image.

Yes, it is nice.

- I really should tell this joke?
- Probably not.

My name is Borat.

- Your name please?
- Guinevere.

Should I tell her
she reminds me of my wife?

Do you have a wife?

- She is dead.
- Oh, OK.

Nobody wants to be reminded
of somebody who's dead.

- Yes.
- You know what I'm saying?

Yes, I do not care about her.
She is gone.

Right. Once a person's dead,
you should really put it aside.

- Yes, I know.
- Yeah.

You'd probably look for some
of the qualities your wife had.

- No.
- Same qualities your wife had,

if there were some things
you liked about her.

Did you like some things
about your wife?

No.

You remind me my wife.

My first... My older wife.

- OK. Your previous wife?
- Yes.

- Why you laugh? She dead.
- OK.

I'm sorry.

What should I talk about with her?

Talk about the environment you're in,

talk about what she does
for a living and about her.

I have now been, er...

one week without any sexy intercourse.

My is... My, er...

hr�ng, my sac, is heavy.

How old is your child?

How do I find if she will be a cheat?

OK, or anything negative?

- Yes, but...
- Cheat and take money from you?

No, not a criminal, a woman
who go with another man and...

Screw around on you. OK, right.

Hm. Well...

that's why you need to date her
before you get married.

You will come back my country,
I will look after you,

I will give you money,
I will give you automobile car,

a television, remote control.

We'll be together.

But if you cheat on me, I will crush you.

- I don't like that either.
- Yes.

I don't like men that cheat on me.

How do I know
if she want me to take her...

- Go to bed with her?
- Sexy time. Yeah.

If she wants you to go to bed with her?
How do you know that?

Well, when you kiss each other.

If you're kissing and petting,
then it just sort of goes... naturally.

When do we have sexy intercourse?

Whenever you both agree on that.

No, when do me and you
have a sexy intercourse?

- Me and you?
- Yes.

Well, that's not gonna happen.

Do you wish me success tonight?

I wish you success in the future

with dating and relationships.

- And I wish you the best.
- Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Booyakasha. Check it out.

I is here with none other
than my main man, Buzz Aldrin.

I know this is a sensitive question

but what was it like not being
the first man on the moon,

was you ever jealous
of Louis Armstrong?

It was Neil Armstrong and no,

- he was very, very qualified.
- Well, whatever.

So, when you arrived on the moon,

was the people who lived there friendly
or was they scared of you?

There was absolutely no thought...

of encountering
any living being whatsoever.

Do you think man
will ever walk on the sun?

No. The sun is too hot,
it is not a good place to go to.

What happens if they went in winter,
when the sun is cold?

The sun is not cold in the winter.

(# Hip-hop, scratching)

# Hear dis

# Hear dis, boy #

Me know you has been
asked this a zillion times,

it must really get on your tits,
but let's just sort it out -

what do you say to all those
conspiracy theorists

who come up to you and say,

"Does the moon really exist?"

I don't think there are very many people
who question whether the moon exists.

- It exists...
- What?

You has heard it here. It does exist.

So all those people out there
who is saying it don't, you is wrong.

That's right. The moon does exist.

- And we went there.
- Yo, listen up.

But how do they really know
what is exists

and what is the conspiracy things?

Cos I has seen a picture of J-Lo

with two massive... geezers' dongs there

and apparently it weren't true.

I haven't seen those pictures.

You should check them out, it's amazing.

- OK.
- Is you upset Michael Jackson

got all the credit
for inventing the moonwalk

but you was the first geezer
ever to actually do it?

Er, no. You can call things
by different names

and you can use the moon
or Mars or Venus

and you can say,
"This is the Venus Trot."

But that doesn't mean
that it has any connection

to what it would be like
for a horse... moving on Venus.

- Yo.
- The horse could trot on Venus.

- Except it's very hot.
- There's horse...?

- There's horse on Venus?
- No, no. I'm just...

Neither is Michael Jackson on the moon.

I's got a joke about space,
do you wanna hear it?

There is a monster from outer space

who is going on a trip
round the universe

and 'im goes to the travel booker

to book like a hotel on the moon

and the travel booker goes,
"You can't go to that hotel

"cos the moon is full."

- That's pretty good.
- That is...

That is so... wicked!

That's wicked.

And the opposite of
the moon being full is...

- Is empty.
...the new moon.

- What?
- That's when it's dark.

I thought it was funny cos he's full...

- Yeah. I know.
- He's been eating stuff

and he's well full and everything.

No, the hotel is full.

But it's... Why is it funny
cos the hotel is full?

I wasn't sure that it was funny,
you said it was funny.

- Why is it funny again?
- Things are funny or comedic

because they mix
the real with the absurd.

- No doubt.
- You took the moon,

which is real, and the term "full"...

- Full.
- And you...

- Full.
- Yeah.

You applied that
to either the hotel being full

or the person being full
and that's an absurd condition.

And that's what makes something funny,

where you mix the absurd with the real.

Wicked. So listen up -

you has 'eard about
the moon and about space.

You better learn about these things
from my man Buzz Lightyear here.

So you better realise
that these things is important.

Big up yourself... Buzz. Keep it real.

'Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up nine minutes.'

(# Fast techno)

Also, jetzt bin Ich hier mit Paul Wilmot.

OK, great, I am here with Paul Wilmot.

He is the god of seating plans,

choosing which celebrity goes with who.

- Is that right?
- I'm judge and jury

and it's our job to put
the right people in the right seats.

- So what is Paul Wilmot?
- Well, I mean...

I've years of experience
in the fashion business.

I was in charge of public
relations for Calvin Klein...

- Wow!
...worldwide.

Let's talk about who is in and who is out.

If they are in, we go, "Vassup."
You go, "Vassup."

And if they are out you go, "Ich don't
think so," and you go like that. Ja?

I'll ask the names.
So "vassup" and "Ich don't think so".

- So, Jennifer Lopez.
- Oh, what's up. Double what's up!

- She's fabulous...
- "Vassup".

- Vassup, she's a double.
- What about... er, Debbie Harry?

"Vassup" or "Ich don't think so"?

Debbie Harry's having a second moment.

And maybe one year ago
it was "Ich don't think so",

now she has a chance to be "vassup".

Like Marianne Faithful
is having a "vassup" moment too.

- Was she "Ich don't think so"?
- Absolutely, for 20 years.

- "Ich don't think so"?
- Yes, for 20 years.

Now, "vassup".

Who else is "Ich don't think so" now?

Well, I mean... Celine Dion.

"Ich don't think so".
I mean, you know, let's face it.

She's talking about a clothing line -
"Ich don't think so."

If you want to make sure
the show is classy,

you make sure you do not have
which celebrities?

Again, Barbra Streisand,
not to pick on her...

Barbra Streisand would go
to the opening

of the Frankfurt Allgemeine
Zeitunggesch�ft!

We're doing a charity as well,

we're doing a lot with these deaf
children, which we're getting behind,

teaching them about
sexual responsibility and safe sex.

You can give them a message?

- Yeah, I mean...
- No.

No, they can't hear you,
they can't hear you.

Just do something for them about
safe sex, how to keep safe.

- Just be...
- But not with words, don't...

(Softly) Say no.
Be careful. Just be careful.

You can do... But no words.

(Softly) Be careful. Be careful.

- Don't do it. Be careful.
- Cool.

Do you need any more models?

Cos I am Chrysler's muse in Austria.
Seriously, I'm...

We don't need any male models,
we have about 40.

Do you need another model,
would you like...?

II demande si... Il veut savoir
s'il peut faire le mannequin.

I am Chrysler's...
You know the designer? I am his muse.

C'est la muse de Chrysler.

Il faut aller demander � Lloyd.

Ask him to Lloyd Klein, over there.

I just wanted to say, if you want,

- I'm here. You know who I am?
- Mm-hm.

- I'm Bruno. Chrysler's muse.
- Yes.

- The designer Chrysler?
- Oui.

- And you're...?
- I'm his muse.

- Oh, great.
- I'm here if you want.

I have all the male models, they're here.

Yeah, but if you want, I don't mind.

- I won't charge you anything.
- Great.

- You want?
- For the moment it's OK.

I'm doing the bit with the underpants.

- Can I borrow yours?
- Right now?

- Yeah, for the end. Great.
- Sure.

- You wanna wear them?
- Yeah, for the finale.

- Er, I need to wear them.
- OK.

- He needs them.
- OK.

(# Slow R&B groove)

(# Luniz: I Got 5 On lt)

# Creep on in, on in

# See I'm riding high, riding high

# Whooo

# Kinda broke you see me

# So all I got is five
# I got five!

# I come to school
with the taylor on my earlobe

# Avoidin' all the dick teasers,
skeezers and weirdos

# That be blowin' up the land
like where the bomb at?

# Give me two bucks, you take
a puff and pass my bomb back

# Suck up the dank like a slurpy... #

What is legal?

Well, I think most conduct

that all of us engage in
on a day-to-day basis is legal.

So what is illegal?

What is illegal is...

what the elected representatives
of the people

define as crimes.

What is barely legal?

That gets into technicalities
and that's why you have trials.

Cos me saw this film called
Barely Legal 3

and it was about these
two naughty college girls

and them hadn't done their 'omework

and then, as punishment,

they had to have a three-header
with their supervisor, this teacher.

- Is that to do with the law?
- Er... It's hard to say.

That would probably be governed
by the rules of the institution.

- The college.
- Yo, in this institution

it was a strict rule that
if you didn't do your 'omework

- you would get boned.
- Right.

Well, that's a law of sorts.

- Yo, it's a well good law.
- Yes.

- Has you seen that film?
- Yes. No, I haven't.

- You should check it out.
- I will now,

- as you've recommended it.
- Yo, it's well good...

- Barely Legal?
- Barely Legal 3.

Three, OK. Good.

I was Attorney General.
My name is Meese.

I say, "Go to college, don't carry a piece."