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1
00:00:06,010 --> 00:00:07,259
Nathan, you ready to hit it?
2
00:00:07,260 --> 00:00:08,033
Mm, not yet.
3
00:00:08,034 --> 00:00:10,399
You see that blonde doing yoga over there?
4
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,041
My mom said something to
her a couple of minutes ago,
5
00:00:12,042 --> 00:00:14,619
and she's been flirting
with me, ever since.
6
00:00:14,620 --> 00:00:16,989
(Ray laughs)
7
00:00:16,990 --> 00:00:18,520
Peekaboo!
8
00:00:18,530 --> 00:00:20,489
She's ready to freakaboo, I'm telling you.
9
00:00:20,490 --> 00:00:21,659
Hit her back.
10
00:00:21,660 --> 00:00:23,490
All right.
11
00:00:24,530 --> 00:00:27,569
(Laughs) I don't know
what my mom said to her,
12
00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:28,980
but for once, she's actually helping.
13
00:00:28,981 --> 00:00:30,382
What you waiting for? Go
over there, talk to her
14
00:00:30,390 --> 00:00:30,997
get her phone number.
15
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,500
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16
00:00:32,510 --> 00:00:34,769
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
you misunderstood me.
17
00:00:34,770 --> 00:00:37,539
I said my son, Nathan, was highly regarded.
18
00:00:37,540 --> 00:00:42,580
Oh. Then why were you
playing peekaboo with me?
19
00:00:44,850 --> 00:00:47,590
I don't know. You started it.
20
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:13,000
?Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17?
?www.addic7ed.com?
21
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,840
I'm not lying. My Uncle's
real name is Carmine Electra.
22
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:22,809
What's with the ice pack and the scissors?
23
00:01:22,810 --> 00:01:24,179
Your father came over this morning.
24
00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:27,779
He woke up with gum in his hair... again.
25
00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:29,910
Strange thing is, I don't chew gum.
26
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,880
It makes my jawline too defined,
27
00:01:31,890 --> 00:01:34,889
and everyone mistakes me for Jon Hamm.
28
00:01:34,890 --> 00:01:36,650
Ouch! You're hurting me!
29
00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:39,120
Just chug a beer and let her rip it out.
30
00:01:39,130 --> 00:01:40,520
That's how I get though waxing.
31
00:01:40,530 --> 00:01:43,290
If I'd known you two had been back so early
32
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:44,959
I would have made us all lunch.
33
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,829
Lunch? It's 4:00.
34
00:01:46,830 --> 00:01:49,130
4:00?! It can't be 4:00!
35
00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:51,169
I have a dentist appointment at 4:00.
36
00:01:51,170 --> 00:01:54,209
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Help me find my purse!
37
00:01:54,210 --> 00:01:55,609
Mom, why are you flipping out?
38
00:01:55,610 --> 00:01:57,209
- Just reschedule.
- I can't!
39
00:01:57,210 --> 00:01:58,279
The receptionist said
40
00:01:58,280 --> 00:01:59,879
they have a strict cancellation policy.
41
00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:01,379
It's $75!
42
00:02:01,380 --> 00:02:03,910
Mom, relax, it's just $75.
43
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:05,649
Just $75?! What's next?
44
00:02:05,650 --> 00:02:09,150
Just a little heroin?
Just a little murder?!
45
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,389
What about my hair?!
46
00:02:11,390 --> 00:02:12,489
Ow!
47
00:02:12,490 --> 00:02:13,520
You don't like it,
48
00:02:13,530 --> 00:02:14,629
find a girlfriend already
49
00:02:14,630 --> 00:02:16,959
so someone else can cut
things off your body.
50
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:20,230
Let's go! Move it! Move
it! Move it! Move it!
51
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:23,730
Okay, here's our story
52
00:02:23,740 --> 00:02:27,469
We were late because we were
planning you and Ray's wedding.
53
00:02:27,470 --> 00:02:30,609
No one's gonna mess with
a biracial gay couple.
54
00:02:30,610 --> 00:02:33,409
Listen, I'm not lying, okay?
I-I am a trusted member
55
00:02:33,410 --> 00:02:35,910
of the WXDN news team, and I took an oath
56
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,179
to always tell the truth.
57
00:02:37,180 --> 00:02:39,780
And to never get fat.
58
00:02:39,790 --> 00:02:41,519
Well, we better come up with something.
59
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:45,090
A good excuse doesn't
just fall out of the sky.
60
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,690
(Elevator bell dings)
61
00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:53,500
I want nothing to do with this.
62
00:02:55,370 --> 00:02:57,000
Oh, my God.
63
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,009
Sorry.
64
00:03:08,010 --> 00:03:09,510
Are you okay?
65
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,679
I'm just learning to use this wheelchair.
66
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:14,249
I sprained both my ankles this morning
67
00:03:14,250 --> 00:03:16,119
chasing after a baby thief.
68
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,459
Poor thing!
69
00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:20,559
Actually, I was here over an hour ago,
70
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,429
but as I was coming in,
I noticed a mother duck
71
00:03:23,430 --> 00:03:25,729
and eight little ducklings
wandering into traffic.
72
00:03:25,730 --> 00:03:27,929
I couldn't help myself.
73
00:03:27,930 --> 00:03:30,799
I gathered them all up and
gave them a ride to the lake.
74
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:31,970
Oh.
75
00:03:32,870 --> 00:03:34,469
That's why I'm so late
76
00:03:34,470 --> 00:03:36,639
for my appointment with Dr. Vega.
77
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,179
You must be Carol Miller?
78
00:03:39,180 --> 00:03:41,040
Let me look and see if there's another time
79
00:03:41,050 --> 00:03:43,109
Dr. Vega can squeeze you in.
80
00:03:43,110 --> 00:03:44,550
Thank you, sweetheart.
81
00:03:47,950 --> 00:03:50,689
Wow, Nathan, check it out.
82
00:03:50,690 --> 00:03:52,589
Hot dentist.
83
00:03:52,590 --> 00:03:53,989
If they all looked like that,
84
00:03:53,990 --> 00:03:56,359
this country wouldn't have such bad breath.
85
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:58,129
Man, she is cute.
86
00:03:58,130 --> 00:04:00,360
- All right, dibs.
- What?
87
00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:01,929
Dibs. I'm calling dibs.
88
00:04:01,930 --> 00:04:04,030
Dibs? Dibs are something
white people invented
89
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:05,439
so it makes it okay to steal.
90
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,800
Listen, hey, the only reason we're here
91
00:04:07,810 --> 00:04:09,509
is because of my mom's appointment.
92
00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,709
When we take your mother to
her dentist, you get dibs.
93
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:15,209
You know damn well my mom
doesn't have any teeth.
94
00:04:15,210 --> 00:04:19,649
All right, all right, how about,
uh, rock, paper, scissors?
95
00:04:19,650 --> 00:04:21,649
Fine. One, two, three.
96
00:04:21,650 --> 00:04:24,819
- Go!
- Yes, I win! Paper beats rock.
97
00:04:24,820 --> 00:04:27,659
In what world does paper beat
rock? If we were in a alley
98
00:04:27,660 --> 00:04:29,929
and you came at me with a piece
of paper and I had a rock,
99
00:04:29,930 --> 00:04:31,360
I would beat your ass!
100
00:04:32,930 --> 00:04:35,329
Listen, tell you what. If you back down,
101
00:04:35,330 --> 00:04:38,599
I promise that I'll let you pick
the radio station in the van,
102
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,200
and I'll drive so you can stick
your head out the sunroof.
103
00:04:41,210 --> 00:04:43,939
Fine. One last thing.
104
00:04:43,940 --> 00:04:46,179
For the next week, every time you see me,
105
00:04:46,180 --> 00:04:47,540
you have to curtsy.
106
00:04:47,550 --> 00:04:49,040
Fine.
107
00:04:50,450 --> 00:04:53,549
Excuse me. Uh, can you tell
me where the bathroom is?
108
00:04:53,550 --> 00:04:55,480
(Spanish accent): The door to your left.
109
00:04:55,490 --> 00:04:57,989
Oh. Kind of messes up my plan.
110
00:04:57,990 --> 00:05:00,259
You have a bathroom plan?
111
00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:03,029
Uh, the idea was that
I'd ask for the bathroom,
112
00:05:03,030 --> 00:05:04,729
and then you'd give me
complicated directions,
113
00:05:04,730 --> 00:05:07,329
probably involving a key
and a giant toothbrush,
114
00:05:07,330 --> 00:05:09,629
and I'd make a joke like,
"oh, does Julia Roberts know
115
00:05:09,630 --> 00:05:10,769
that you stole her toothbrush?"
116
00:05:10,770 --> 00:05:12,969
because she's got a really big mouth.
117
00:05:12,970 --> 00:05:14,700
Anyway, you make a
charming comment in return,
118
00:05:14,710 --> 00:05:16,039
and by the time I actually got the key,
119
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,970
we'd be making plans involving you and me
120
00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:19,709
and your favorite restaurant.
121
00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:21,279
Was that your plan?
122
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:23,679
Or was your plan to talk
about how your plan failed
123
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:26,419
and come off as endearingly
frazzled in the process?
124
00:05:26,420 --> 00:05:27,949
Maybe, I don't know.
125
00:05:27,950 --> 00:05:30,220
I'm actually kind of too frazzled to say.
126
00:05:31,750 --> 00:05:33,059
Psst, check it out.
127
00:05:33,060 --> 00:05:35,320
Got her number, we're
going out Saturday night.
128
00:05:35,330 --> 00:05:36,959
Oh, good for you.
129
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,860
Now grab that imaginary skirt and get low.
130
00:05:42,370 --> 00:05:44,500
For real.
131
00:05:51,740 --> 00:05:54,609
Okay, Mrs. Miller, how is
day after tomorrow same time?
132
00:05:54,610 --> 00:05:55,940
Will that work?
133
00:05:55,950 --> 00:05:56,879
Oh, perfect.
134
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,510
I gotta tell ya,
135
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,519
I've really been stressing out
about that cancellation fee.
136
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:04,419
Oh, no-no-no-no-no, don't stress.
137
00:06:04,420 --> 00:06:06,450
It's only $75.
138
00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:10,190
How would you like to pay,
with the credit card on file?
139
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,260
Yeah, go ahead, charge the card.
140
00:06:17,070 --> 00:06:18,969
Dad, how does this keep happening?
141
00:06:18,970 --> 00:06:22,300
I swear, I'm not going to
bed with gum in my mouth.
142
00:06:22,310 --> 00:06:25,270
There's only one logical explanation
143
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,709
Gum I swallowed years
ago is working its way
144
00:06:27,710 --> 00:06:31,349
up my body and out my mouth.
145
00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:34,179
Not possible. Even if the
body can't process something,
146
00:06:34,180 --> 00:06:35,980
it'll end up coming out the other end.
147
00:06:35,990 --> 00:06:37,219
When Mikayla was four,
148
00:06:37,220 --> 00:06:39,619
she ate the entire contents of a dollhouse.
149
00:06:39,620 --> 00:06:40,819
Everything came out,
150
00:06:40,820 --> 00:06:43,790
but it was no longer a dream house.
151
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,599
Hey, uh, Deb, where are Adam's crutches
152
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,160
from his leg extension surgery?
153
00:06:50,170 --> 00:06:51,499
They weren't in the garage.
154
00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:53,230
I'm not sure. Why?
155
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,739
I need them for my dentist
appointment tomorrow.
156
00:06:55,740 --> 00:06:58,709
I can't go straight from
a wheelchair to walking.
157
00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:02,279
Even in my lies I have integrity.
158
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,279
My crutches are in the basement.
159
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:05,849
Along with my old leg braces
160
00:07:05,850 --> 00:07:07,749
and my signed Michael Jordan jersey.
161
00:07:07,750 --> 00:07:08,880
There was some confusion.
162
00:07:08,890 --> 00:07:10,750
They thought I was a make-a-wish kid.
163
00:07:17,530 --> 00:07:19,290
Hey, listen, Deb, I need a favor.
164
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:21,359
Uh! You can't keep borrowing my concealer.
165
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,360
Just buy your own.
166
00:07:23,370 --> 00:07:25,329
What? I don't use concealer.
167
00:07:25,330 --> 00:07:26,769
Listen, (Clears throat)
168
00:07:26,770 --> 00:07:29,439
no, no, I need you to take mom
to her appointment tomorrow.
169
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,339
I got a date with her new dentist,
170
00:07:31,340 --> 00:07:33,909
and I don't need her
interrogating her before that.
171
00:07:33,910 --> 00:07:35,239
Oh, date with a dentist.
172
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,309
Hey, is she any good? We're
gonna need a new dentist
173
00:07:37,310 --> 00:07:39,110
with dad's nighttime gum addiction.
174
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,580
I don't chew gum! I'm gonna
get to the bottom of this.
175
00:07:42,590 --> 00:07:46,219
Debbie, where is that pink
teddy bear nanny cam you bought?
176
00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:48,290
Um, it's in our bedroom.
177
00:07:49,420 --> 00:07:52,559
Wait a second. There's
a camera in our bedroom?
178
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:53,690
I'm an athlete, okay?
179
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,660
I get better by looking at game tape.
180
00:07:57,830 --> 00:08:01,599
Listen, Deb, what do you
say? Will you take her?
181
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,100
Come on. I need to see
if there's a connection
182
00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:05,909
with this woman before mom can interfere.
183
00:08:05,910 --> 00:08:07,839
You know how mom can make
things more complicated
184
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:09,079
than they need to be.
185
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:13,910
(Squeaking, clanking)
186
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,849
I, uh, went with the leg braces.
187
00:08:16,850 --> 00:08:19,819
No.
188
00:08:19,820 --> 00:08:23,220
Adam, how did you ever
walk in these things?
189
00:08:23,230 --> 00:08:24,420
Oh, I didn't.
190
00:08:24,430 --> 00:08:26,490
I rode piggyback on my
mom and used her necklace
191
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:27,960
to steer her like a horse.
192
00:08:40,310 --> 00:08:42,779
Okay, fine, I'll take her to the dentist.
193
00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:44,240
But mostly because I want to see
194
00:08:44,250 --> 00:08:45,649
when Optimus Prime over there
195
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:49,120
transforms herself back
into a tractor trailer.
196
00:08:50,950 --> 00:08:53,789
Mom, is all this really necessary?
197
00:08:53,790 --> 00:08:57,020
I want every step I take, every
spark I make to remind her
198
00:08:57,030 --> 00:09:01,290
of the $75 fee she took
from a fake invalid.
199
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:04,360
Oh, Mrs. Miller!
200
00:09:04,370 --> 00:09:09,900
Hello, there. Day by day,
getting stronger and stronger.
201
00:09:09,910 --> 00:09:11,669
I was just about to call you.
202
00:09:11,670 --> 00:09:14,809
Unfortunately, Dr. Vega needs to cancel.
203
00:09:14,810 --> 00:09:16,479
Cancel?
204
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,849
A patient emergency came up.
205
00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:20,310
Did it?
206
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:21,749
Interesting.
207
00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:24,449
We will have to reschedule.
208
00:09:24,450 --> 00:09:25,889
No problem.
209
00:09:25,890 --> 00:09:29,389
So, how would you like to handle this?
210
00:09:29,390 --> 00:09:31,859
I take cash, or you can
just refund the money
211
00:09:31,860 --> 00:09:34,290
to my credit card.
212
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:35,599
Excuse me?
213
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,129
I also have a strict cancellation policy.
214
00:09:38,130 --> 00:09:39,899
$75.
215
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,369
I see what you're driving at,
216
00:09:41,370 --> 00:09:43,839
but this was an unforeseen emergency.
217
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,769
And my two broken feet weren't?
218
00:09:45,770 --> 00:09:48,339
First, I thought they were sprained.
219
00:09:48,340 --> 00:09:50,909
Second, you're not getting any money.
220
00:09:50,910 --> 00:09:53,979
Then I'm gonna have to
get my $75 another way.
221
00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:57,280
Four dollars-worth of butterscotch.
222
00:09:57,290 --> 00:09:59,349
Ah, that lamp looks nice.
223
00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:01,719
Okay, uh, mom...
224
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,319
You can't be serious.
225
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,989
- Oh, she's very serious.
- Oh, I'm very serious.
226
00:10:05,990 --> 00:10:08,359
Security?
227
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,599
Hey. Hi, there.
228
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,399
Hey, listen, um, usually
I'm the first person
229
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,529
to do the whole crazy lady
signal behind her back,
230
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,430
but, you know, maybe since
you're canceling on her
231
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,469
right after she paid your fee, you
just bend the rules a little bit.
232
00:10:18,470 --> 00:10:20,809
Are you seriously closing
that in my face? Oh, my God,
233
00:10:20,810 --> 00:10:23,610
for real?! Okay, crazy lady, do your thing!
234
00:10:24,752 --> 00:10:27,137
Quick, stick your hand in.
235
00:10:27,140 --> 00:10:28,816
Herd a couple of those sea horses
236
00:10:28,817 --> 00:10:30,449
into my cup.
237
00:10:30,450 --> 00:10:33,350
- Get in there! Get in there!
- Giddyup!
238
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,329
I want to thank you all for coming.
239
00:10:41,330 --> 00:10:43,459
I have an announcement to make.
240
00:10:43,460 --> 00:10:45,459
After much heartfelt deliberation,
241
00:10:45,460 --> 00:10:47,929
I have decided to add another business
242
00:10:47,930 --> 00:10:50,230
to the Miller's boycott list.
243
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,999
(All groaning)
244
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,569
What's the boycott list?
245
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,870
Over the years, mom has
compiled a list of businesses
246
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:57,409
that have wronged her one way or another.
247
00:10:57,410 --> 00:10:58,739
Oh, not just businesses.
248
00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:00,509
Bradbury Park is on the list.
249
00:11:00,510 --> 00:11:02,549
I don't care if the placard
says it's an orchid.
250
00:11:02,550 --> 00:11:05,520
That new fountain looks like a vagina.
251
00:11:06,450 --> 00:11:08,089
Once my mom puts something on the list,
252
00:11:08,090 --> 00:11:09,450
we're not allowed to go there anymore.
253
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:11,919
And the new entry is...
254
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,989
Please be school, please be school.
255
00:11:14,990 --> 00:11:16,759
Dr. Sonia Vega's dental center.
256
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:17,690
What?
257
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:19,399
This time Dr. Vega cancelled on me.
258
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,429
But they wouldn't honor my $75 fee.
259
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:23,169
So I tried to even the score
260
00:11:23,170 --> 00:11:25,499
by liberating a few items from her office.
261
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:27,169
Long story short,
262
00:11:27,170 --> 00:11:29,609
it's not easy scaling
263
00:11:29,610 --> 00:11:31,709
a chain-link fence in leg braces.
264
00:11:31,710 --> 00:11:34,909
You know what else isn't
easy to do with leg braces?
265
00:11:34,910 --> 00:11:37,710
Get a date to homecoming.
266
00:11:39,250 --> 00:11:42,449
I've made laminated wallet-sized
copies of the updated list.
267
00:11:42,450 --> 00:11:43,450
Pass these around.
268
00:11:43,460 --> 00:11:44,689
Now, if you'll excuse me,
269
00:11:44,690 --> 00:11:47,259
I'm going to prank call Dr. Vega's office.
270
00:11:47,260 --> 00:11:48,529
(Laughs)
271
00:11:48,530 --> 00:11:50,529
How do I block caller ID again?
272
00:11:50,530 --> 00:11:52,499
Star 67.
273
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,629
Carol: Thank you.
274
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,669
Debbie, this is exactly
the kind of disaster
275
00:11:56,670 --> 00:11:57,699
I was trying to avoid.
276
00:11:57,700 --> 00:11:58,699
How did this happen?!
277
00:11:58,700 --> 00:11:59,739
I don't know.
278
00:11:59,740 --> 00:12:00,969
I mean, the receptionist closed
279
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:02,469
the window in my face,
and the next thing I knew,
280
00:12:02,470 --> 00:12:03,709
I was running across the parking lot
281
00:12:03,710 --> 00:12:05,979
with a cup full of fish!
282
00:12:05,980 --> 00:12:07,379
All is not lost.
283
00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:10,379
Now I get a chance to swoop
in on the sexy dentist.
284
00:12:10,380 --> 00:12:12,179
No, there's gonna be
no swooping, Ray, okay?
285
00:12:12,180 --> 00:12:13,919
I'm not gonna let mom ruin this for me.
286
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,119
I'm keeping my date with Sonia.
287
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,850
Debbie: But she's on the list.
288
00:12:16,860 --> 00:12:18,889
If mom finds out, you're
asking for a lot of drama.
289
00:12:18,890 --> 00:12:20,289
She's not gonna find out,
290
00:12:20,290 --> 00:12:22,729
'cause I'm making dinner
reservations at Antonio's.
291
00:12:22,730 --> 00:12:23,729
(All gasp)
292
00:12:23,730 --> 00:12:24,829
Nathan, you can't go there.
293
00:12:24,830 --> 00:12:26,199
Antonio's was what started
294
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,929
this whole boycott list.
295
00:12:27,930 --> 00:12:29,699
That's how she'll never know.
296
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:31,830
There's no reason that Sonia
has to pass the mom test
297
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,069
before she passes the Nathan test.
298
00:12:34,070 --> 00:12:36,509
Questions such as, but not limited to
299
00:12:36,510 --> 00:12:38,070
Does she like hockey?
300
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,179
Is she okay with my monthly spa day?
301
00:12:40,180 --> 00:12:41,740
Does she have an attractive sneeze?
302
00:12:41,750 --> 00:12:43,810
I mean... like, there's no
way I would've married Janice
303
00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:45,249
if I'd known that her sneeze was like
304
00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:47,949
the flush of an airplane toilet.
305
00:12:47,950 --> 00:12:50,350
I can't believe you're going to Antonio's.
306
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,989
Geez, I miss those garlic knots.
307
00:12:52,990 --> 00:12:55,389
The garlic knots.
308
00:12:55,390 --> 00:12:57,090
What are garlic knots?
309
00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:58,890
Oh, they're just the most delicious, plump,
310
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:01,060
doughy bread puffs you've ever tasted.
311
00:13:01,070 --> 00:13:03,129
How could I put this in
terms that you'd understand?
312
00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:05,099
Um, if a One Direction song
313
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,669
was made out of bread, that would be it.
314
00:13:07,670 --> 00:13:10,009
Yummy!
315
00:13:10,010 --> 00:13:12,170
Hey, you bring us back
some of those garlic knots,
316
00:13:12,180 --> 00:13:13,509
and we won't say a word.
317
00:13:13,510 --> 00:13:14,609
Deal.
318
00:13:14,610 --> 00:13:16,249
What did Antonio's ever do to your mom?
319
00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:17,849
They wouldn't let her in
because she wasn't wearing
320
00:13:17,850 --> 00:13:19,719
a jacket and a tie.
321
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,449
She had a very short haircut at the time.
322
00:13:21,450 --> 00:13:23,990
It wasn't a fun ride home.
323
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:28,589
It's a shame Nathan's working tonight.
324
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:32,559
That "meatless meat loaf"
was really interesting.
325
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,199
Oh, did you like it?
326
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:35,630
"Yes."
327
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:37,730
well, it took me a couple of times
328
00:13:37,740 --> 00:13:38,899
to get it to work, but I finally
329
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:40,139
got the teddy bear cam
330
00:13:40,140 --> 00:13:41,569
to record me sleeping.
331
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:44,270
And it turns out, I'm not an idiot.
332
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,709
That's right, Tom.
333
00:13:45,710 --> 00:13:47,940
You're highly regarded.
334
00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:52,580
(Snoring)
335
00:13:59,190 --> 00:14:02,320
(Snoring)
336
00:14:15,870 --> 00:14:18,170
Wow!
337
00:14:18,180 --> 00:14:21,580
That kid looks just like me.
338
00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:25,349
Mikayla, why would you do that?
339
00:14:25,350 --> 00:14:26,649
Now, don't be too mad at her.
340
00:14:26,650 --> 00:14:27,879
We share a wall,
341
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,819
and my snoring was obviously
342
00:14:29,820 --> 00:14:31,189
keeping her up.
343
00:14:31,190 --> 00:14:34,419
And interrupting my dreams
about One Direction.
344
00:14:34,420 --> 00:14:38,190
I was just trying to give his
mouth something else to do.
345
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,299
I suffered through his snoring for years.
346
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:41,760
The only thing worse was
347
00:14:41,770 --> 00:14:44,099
when he'd stop breathing for a minute.
348
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:46,170
Such a tease.
349
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,769
Now, honey, why wouldn't
you just say something?
350
00:14:48,770 --> 00:14:49,869
I mean, it's not right to lie.
351
00:14:49,870 --> 00:14:51,069
I never lied.
352
00:14:51,070 --> 00:14:52,609
If anyone had asked me
353
00:14:52,610 --> 00:14:54,479
if I was putting gum in grandpa's mouth
354
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,010
when he was sleeping, I would've said yes.
355
00:14:58,110 --> 00:14:59,810
Sweetheart, not saying something
356
00:14:59,820 --> 00:15:01,379
is the same thing as lying.
357
00:15:01,380 --> 00:15:03,149
Sometimes it's even sneakier
358
00:15:03,150 --> 00:15:05,019
than an outright fib.
359
00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:06,489
I didn't think of it that way.
360
00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:07,619
Sorry.
361
00:15:07,620 --> 00:15:09,920
So, I guess we should tell grandma
362
00:15:09,930 --> 00:15:11,730
where Uncle Nate really is tonight.
363
00:15:23,630 --> 00:15:26,459
I can tell I'm on a
date with a TV reporter.
364
00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:27,829
You ask a ton of questions,
365
00:15:27,830 --> 00:15:31,499
and I think you might still
be wearing a little makeup?
366
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,230
No, it's not, it's not makeup.
367
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:34,469
It's just, uh, blush, gloss
368
00:15:34,470 --> 00:15:36,469
and a little bit of liner
to pop the... anyway!
369
00:15:36,470 --> 00:15:37,539
(Clears throat)
370
00:15:37,540 --> 00:15:39,470
You are just such an interesting subject.
371
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,139
You know, it's not every day that I meet
372
00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:44,040
a hockey fan who's also open
to a his and hers spa day.
373
00:15:44,050 --> 00:15:45,379
Why would two people not want
374
00:15:45,380 --> 00:15:47,010
to be on the same hair-removal cycle?
375
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:50,149
Okay, it's my turn to ask the question.
376
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:51,449
Sure, ask me anything you want.
377
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,889
Actually, you know what?
First, does this pepper smell
378
00:15:53,890 --> 00:15:55,490
a little bit weird?
379
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,229
(Sniffs)
380
00:15:58,230 --> 00:16:00,190
(Sneezes)
381
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,960
Oh, like a baby panda.
382
00:16:02,970 --> 00:16:04,360
Mom.
383
00:16:04,370 --> 00:16:05,399
Hello, Nathan.
384
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,930
Oh, you must be Dr. Sonia Vega.
385
00:16:07,940 --> 00:16:09,569
Nice to meet you.
386
00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:10,769
What are you doing here?
387
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:12,039
A little birdie told me
388
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,139
that you were bringing some
389
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,970
of Antonio's famous garlic knots
390
00:16:14,980 --> 00:16:17,540
home to the family, so I
decided to save you the trouble
391
00:16:17,550 --> 00:16:19,009
and pick them up myself.
392
00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:22,719
I'm going to go check to
see if our table is ready.
393
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,519
Okay, um... listen...
394
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:26,850
Hey, listen, I'm... I'm really sorry.
395
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:29,359
I-I promise my mom doesn't
usually show up on dates.
396
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:30,660
Oh, take your time.
397
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:32,989
(Sneezes)
398
00:16:32,990 --> 00:16:34,329
Oh.
399
00:16:34,330 --> 00:16:36,159
Adorable.
400
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,399
God, I hope she has allergies.
401
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:40,930
Of all the restaurants
402
00:16:40,940 --> 00:16:42,739
and all the dentists in
Loudoun County, you had...
403
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:44,069
Mom, before you start in,
404
00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:45,039
I'm sorry, okay?
405
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,039
But you got to understand
406
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,879
that I'm not exactly a
spring chicken, okay?
407
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,840
Y-yes, maybe I want to
get married again one day.
408
00:16:51,850 --> 00:16:53,810
So when I meet somebody I
like, I got to move on it.
409
00:16:53,820 --> 00:16:57,280
No matter what your
stupid boycott list says.
410
00:16:57,290 --> 00:16:59,149
And-and Sonia's great.
411
00:16:59,150 --> 00:17:02,559
She and I are the exact
number of episodes behind
412
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:04,859
on Downton Abbey.
413
00:17:04,860 --> 00:17:07,929
So, you really like this girl, huh?
414
00:17:07,930 --> 00:17:09,399
I'm starting to.
415
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:10,629
Then you know what?
416
00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:12,369
I can let this go.
417
00:17:12,370 --> 00:17:14,430
There are more important things in life.
418
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:15,839
Like my son's happiness,
419
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:17,640
and me getting more grandbabies.
420
00:17:18,570 --> 00:17:20,670
I've knit so many things
for the neighbor's dog
421
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,339
he stopped growing fur.
422
00:17:22,340 --> 00:17:24,279
Thanks, mom.
423
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:25,979
Enjoy your date.
424
00:17:25,980 --> 00:17:28,610
Gentlemen, can I top these
garlic knots off for you?
425
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:30,319
(Sniffs) Mmm.
426
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:31,919
Hello, old friends.
427
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,050
My grudge was never with you.
428
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,259
Did your mom leave?
429
00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:41,029
Yeah, she had to go back
to our... her house.
430
00:17:41,030 --> 00:17:42,599
Our table's ready. I-I just want
431
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,199
to pay the bartender for our drinks.
432
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,099
Oh, here, let me get it.
433
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:46,399
Oh, no, no. I have a $100 bill
434
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,769
I need to break anyway.
435
00:17:48,770 --> 00:17:49,899
Wait a minute.
436
00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:51,500
All I have is a $20
437
00:17:51,510 --> 00:17:52,639
and five
438
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,839
crumpled ones.
439
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:58,409
I know for a fact that I
had a $100 bill in here.
440
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,409
What kind of lunatic would rob somebody
441
00:18:00,410 --> 00:18:02,510
and leave them change?
442
00:18:09,990 --> 00:18:11,689
Oh, you're home early.
443
00:18:11,690 --> 00:18:13,989
Yeah, of course I'm home early.
444
00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:15,859
Sonia's appetite dwindled when she learned
445
00:18:15,860 --> 00:18:18,599
that my mother stole $75 out of her purse.
446
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,329
You told her?
447
00:18:20,330 --> 00:18:21,369
Yeah, I had to.
448
00:18:21,370 --> 00:18:22,899
She caught me with my hand in her purse,
449
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:24,839
trying to put money back in.
450
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,139
Tried to tell her I was
reaching for moisturizer,
451
00:18:26,140 --> 00:18:27,209
but she didn't believe me
452
00:18:27,210 --> 00:18:30,079
'cause my stupid skin is so flawless.
453
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,679
I can't believe you
gave her the money back.
454
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,249
The score was even.
455
00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:35,349
We can't start a
relationship with this woman
456
00:18:35,350 --> 00:18:37,319
on an uneven playing field.
457
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,380
"We"?
458
00:18:38,390 --> 00:18:39,449
You know what? (Laughs)
459
00:18:39,450 --> 00:18:40,549
That's actually the hardest reality
460
00:18:40,550 --> 00:18:41,819
of this situation.
461
00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:43,789
Not only do I have to find a woman who is
462
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,720
smart, pretty and funny,
463
00:18:45,730 --> 00:18:47,429
she's also got to be
willing to date my mom.
464
00:18:47,430 --> 00:18:49,229
Let's face it, my odds are slim.
465
00:18:49,230 --> 00:18:50,559
(Knocking)
466
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,369
Ah. Oh, that's probably Debbie
467
00:18:53,370 --> 00:18:55,369
bringing leftover "meatless meat loaf"
468
00:18:55,370 --> 00:18:58,570
because she doesn't understand "sarcasm."
469
00:19:00,910 --> 00:19:01,909
Sonia.
470
00:19:01,910 --> 00:19:04,239
I'm sorry I overreacted.
471
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,379
I've never been robbed by a date's mother.
472
00:19:06,380 --> 00:19:09,810
In Cuba, it's always
the father who does it.
473
00:19:09,820 --> 00:19:12,849
Collecting a debt is not robbery.
474
00:19:12,850 --> 00:19:14,649
- Mom!
- No, no. She has a point.
475
00:19:14,650 --> 00:19:18,259
I thought about it and, Nathan,
you should take your money back.
476
00:19:18,260 --> 00:19:21,259
I don't want this to be hanging
over our heads on our next date.
477
00:19:21,260 --> 00:19:22,759
No, l-listen. I'm-I'm sorry.
478
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,299
I-I can't ta...
479
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:26,900
Wait, did, did you say "next date"?
480
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,599
That's very big of you.
481
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,269
And in that same spirit,
482
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:32,739
I feel I should tell you
483
00:19:32,740 --> 00:19:35,809
I'm the one who hung up on
your receptionist 300 times.
484
00:19:35,810 --> 00:19:39,340
Okay, listen, mom, you know
that, uh, that real nice, uh,
485
00:19:39,350 --> 00:19:41,179
doormat I've got says "mi casa es su casa"?
486
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,249
Yes.
487
00:19:42,250 --> 00:19:43,210
I'm gonna smother you with it
488
00:19:43,220 --> 00:19:45,080
if you don't get in the kitchen.
489
00:19:45,090 --> 00:19:47,549
Are-are you sure about another date?
490
00:19:47,550 --> 00:19:49,419
Because, um, she's, um,
491
00:19:49,420 --> 00:19:51,259
she's not going anywhere ever.
492
00:19:51,260 --> 00:19:53,789
She, uh, she lives with me.
493
00:19:53,790 --> 00:19:55,529
And there's no shame in that.
494
00:19:55,530 --> 00:19:57,359
Unless you share a bedroom.
495
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,460
(Laughs) You don't share a bedroom, do you?
496
00:19:59,470 --> 00:20:01,069
No. No.
497
00:20:01,070 --> 00:20:04,599
Except on Christmas Eve.
498
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,640
She likes to see my face
when I wake up, so...
499
00:20:08,810 --> 00:20:11,139
Anyway, look, my-my...
my mother is crazy, okay?
500
00:20:11,140 --> 00:20:12,940
So I get it I-if you don't want to...
501
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,850
I can handle your mother.
502
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:23,619
Call me.
503
00:20:23,620 --> 00:20:26,260
Yeah, I, uh, I will.
504
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,859
That looked like a nice kiss.
505
00:20:31,860 --> 00:20:34,160
Good night, mother.
506
00:20:34,170 --> 00:20:37,899
I'm taking Dr. Vega off
the boycott list right now.
507
00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:39,839
Hey.
508
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,439
Where are my new sunglasses?
509
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,940
The case and glasses are completely gone.
510
00:20:45,950 --> 00:20:48,950
(Cell phone dings)
511
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,749
I told you I can handle your mother.
512
00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:56,290
See you soon.
513
00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,489
They're not in the kitchen.
514
00:20:59,490 --> 00:21:01,689
Well. (Clears throat)
515
00:21:01,690 --> 00:21:03,659
I'm sure they're here somewhere.
516
00:21:03,660 --> 00:21:06,660
Keep looking.
517
00:21:06,670 --> 00:21:08,069
Try the roof.
518
00:21:08,070 --> 00:21:18,070
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