All language subtitles for Spin City s06e12 An Office And A Gentleman.eng

I'm so sick of these interviews.
Can't we just pick someone?

Charlie, this is
an important job.

The mayor's counting on
us to find the right man.

To me they're all just a
bunch of suits. Next.

Hi. Bob Rogers.

Applying for the position
of city hall Santa.

So, Bob, I've checked
your r sum...

In fact,
I've checked it twice.

Good one.

I'm not kidding. A lot of
these bastards have been lying.

So, why should
you be our Santa?

Every Christmas,
I take a break

from running my advertising
agency to work with children.

It's my way
of giving back.

That is so sweet.

You're sweet for
saying it's so sweet.

I think we know what
Santa wants for Christmas.

Ah, Charlie, we've just
won a hard-fought election,

starting a new term...
You know what that means.

You're off to
Tahiti for a month?

No.
Well, yes.

But also it means that
it's time for you to step up

and assume more
responsibility.

You want me to
book your flight?

No.
Well, yes.

But, I've got an important
assignment for you.

An office has become available
and I want you to choose

between Caitlin, Stuart,
Carter, and Paul.

Wow, sir, that sounds
really tough.

I'll need to use all my
experience, political savvy,

and four straws of
different lengths.

Oh, you think that

giving an office
away is easy.

I'll have an answer
for you by lunch.

I need you to do
staff evaluations

and then give the office to the
person who's doing the best job.

Fine.

Here's a little tip.

I wouldn't let the staff know
that you're evaluating them.

Sir, I think I
can handle it.

Okay.

Morning, Paul.

Hey.

Everything
going all right?

You know, with the
work and whatnot?

Oh, my God, I'm being
evaluated, aren't I?

- No! No!
- Guys! Guys!

We're being evaluated!
Quick, look busy!

Look busy!
Look busy!

Look busy!
Get out!

Carter, you have
to help me.

This morning, I said I'd go on a
date with that Santa over there.

- Which one?
- The one with the big package.

So, what's the problem?

I haven't seen him
without his Santa suit,

and I can't date a guy if I
don't know what he looks like.

I can relate.
At a Halloween party,

I hit it off with a guy
dressed as a lesbian biker.

Turned out it was
actually a lesbian biker.

Wait, if she was a lesbian, why
was she flirting with you?

I was dressed
as LA toya Jackson.

- Hey.
- Stuart, Michelle.

What'd you guys
do last night?

I bought her a few drinks,
laid down the charm,

next thing you know,
she's checking into

the love suite at
casa de Stuart.

Or you had dinner with your
girlfriend and went home.

Sounds better my way.

Stuart, can I
see you, please?

Wow, you guys are
being evaluated?

I'll be back
in a minute.

Michelle, you and Stuart
seem really happy together.

He won't have
sex with me.

Sure he will.
Just smile at him.

His clothes
will fly right off.

I'm serious, Carter. I'm getting
less action than you did

that summer you were
into m.C. Hammer pants.

Wow, this is serious.

I thought you guys
were clicking.

A few weeks ago, we had
the most romantic weekend,

and ever since then, nothing.

I mean, I don't know if
I'm doing something wrong,

but I know I would really
like for things to work out.

- Will you talk to him for me?
- I don't know.

Stuart and I haven't discussed his
love life since we moved in together.

- Because he's a gentleman?
- Because I had it written into the lease.

- Please, Carter.
- That's kind of asking a lot.

You asked me to
carry your child.

Okay, but then
we're even.

I'm pretty close
to a decision.

I'm guessing
you chose Caitlin.

Seems like a
good choice.

But she does have the least
seniority around here.

Could turn the whole
office staff against you.

I know that.
I'm not an idiot.

Another choice could be Carter or
Paul, but they already have offices.

So it's a no-brainer.
You gotta go with Stuart.

That's exactly
what I thought.

But you can't.

Legally, Stuart's not
allowed to be in a room

with a door
that closes.

Right. The tour
group incident.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll
make the right choice.

- A walk in the park.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm putting together a
collage for our Christmas party.

You wouldn't happen to have a
picture of yourself, would you?

You know what?
I think so.

Great.

A Halloween party.

I was Batman.

Stuart, we don't
talk about sex enough.

Is there anything
you want to tell me?

It's 1977.

I'm in the parking lot of a kiss
concert in Davenport, Iowa.

I'm in my ace frehley makeup when these two
groupie chicks pull me into their van.

Six months, two bottles of penicillin
later, I run into them again...

Stop! Stop!
Stop! Stop!

Michelle told me

that you guys aren't having sex.
Is that true?

I'm having less
sex than you were

when you were in your
arsenio haircut phase.

I made some bad
style choices.

Would people
let it go?

What's going on? You don't
want to be with her anymore?

No, I do,
it's just that...

A couple of weeks ago, we went
away for a romantic weekend,

and she said, I love you,
and I kind of said it back.

- That's great.
- No, it's not.

I'm not used to having
sex with someone I love.

Sex can be a beautiful
expression of love.

Not the way I do it.

You and Michelle
are my two best friends.

I want this to work out.
You gotta talk to her.

No, talking
never works.

I'm just gonna have to suck it
up and sleep with her...

Even if she
does love me.

All right, guys,
listen up.

As you may have noticed,
I've been evaluating you all.

- No.
- Really?

I don't believe it.

Evaluations are
so degrading.

You sit on
your mountaintop

deciding who's going to get
Charlie's little crumbs of praise.

Well, let me
tell you something.

The last thing in the world I
care about is your approval.

You did well, Paul.

Charlie likes me.

In fact,
you all did well.

The thing is, an office
has just been vacated,

and I was supposed to
assign it to one of you.

- This is about an office?
- What is the big deal?

I'm perfectly happy
where I am right now.

I knew it would be easy to
work it out with you guys.

Let's go take
a look at it.

[CHOIR]* hallelujah *

it's beautiful.
What a view!

Are those
mahogany built-ins?

You mean behind
the wet bar?

- It's mine.
- No, I want it.

[STUART] Why should
she get it?

- [PAUL] Where does this door go?
- [TOILET FLUSHES]

Jackpot!

Enjoying your
walk in the park?

[* BANJO]

Stuart.
Stuart.

S'up?

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm listening to
some banjo music.

It motivates me.

To what? Paddle away from
people with no teeth?

It says right here,
in the city hall manual,

"employees may listen
to music in their office."

But you don't
have an office.

What are we gonna
do about that?

It says I
can dance, too.

Stuart, you are
acting very immature.

We all want that office,
but it's Charlie's decision

and we have to
respect that.

Thank you, Caitlin.

So when can I
move my stuff in?

Why would you assume that
I'd give you the office?

Based on my evaluations,
everyone's pretty equal.

We're not equal
in all ways,

if you...
Catch my meaning.

- You got something in your eye?
- Yes, your hot bod.

All I'm saying is I think I can
give you something that they can't.

I won't...
Ever,

but I could.

See you later, Caitlin.

I know how things work
in big-time politics,

so let's just call this a
down payment on the office.

This is ten dollars.

I know.
I'll need five back.

Okay, maybe "I won't...
Ever" was too strong.

The truth is, if you came
to me with a proposition,

I would seriously
consider it.

Okay. Do you want to
come by my place tonight?

Not a chance.

It didn't work this time,
but tomorrow,

you come by my
new office, ask again,

- and you might get a...
- [DOOR SLAMS]

Carter,

am I glad
to see you.

Everybody's driving
me crazy.

I never imagined the
lengths people would go to

to manipulate me
for an office.

Well, Charlie, I would
never manipulate you.

- I appreciate that.
- I'm gonna blackmail you.

Remember when
you told everyone

you were quarterback for
your college football team?

- Yeah.
- I did a little research...

...and I came
across this.

- Funny... doesn't look like you.
- No, it doesn't.

But this does.

I broke my wrist
freshman year

and I needed access
to the cheerleaders.

Watch what
happens next.

That was just
during a timeout.

You should see what happened
when we scored a touchdown.

Very impressive,
Charlie.

But I think what people
are gonna remember

is you moonwalking to Billie
Jean during halftime.

When you finish the tape,
drop it off... at my new office.

- And what if I say no?
- Oh, I know you're gonna make the right decision, Charlie...

Because you've
got spirit!

This friend insists I
look like Cameron Diaz,

and every time I see her,
she's like, "Cameron Diaz!"

- Do your friends think you look like anyone?
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, really? Who?
- My dad.

Oh. Do you
find him sexy?

- Hey, Carter.
- Hey.

I did a little digging

and found out that you were a
synchronized swimming champion.

I don't think you'd be too happy
if people saw this picture of you.

Ah, no,
I wouldn't.

That's why I like
to show them this one.

How do I fight a man
who has no shame?

That's nice.

You like that,
don't you?

Yes, I do.

I love you.

- Ow!
- What?

Oh, my hamstring!
It's cramping up.

Is there anything
I can do?

It's pretty bad. Maybe I
should take you to the airport.

- Let me massage it.
- No, no, no. No, no, no!

Only Carter does that.
Carter, get out here, quick!

What? What?

I need you to
rub my thighs.

Look, I know you guys
are having some problems,

and as much as I'd like to
give you a little kick-start,

I think we'd all regret
it in the morning.

This is ridiculous.
I am going to bed.

I tried, but I
couldn't do it.

Who am I kidding?

A guy like me just isn't meant to
be with a woman like Michelle.

Stuart,

there is a reason Michelle
wants to be with you.

If you can't see it that way, you're gonna
wind up the same loser you think you are.

I refuse to be
psychoanalyzed

by a man wearing
a nightgown.

This is a classic
French sleeping shirt.

And it's unisex!

All right, guys.
New plan.

I've been racking my brain
trying to decide between you,

but then I just
realized I don't have to.

I'm gonna let you all
decide for yourselves.

Great idea.
I pick me.

All those in favor, stare
at me and look hostile.

It's unanimous.

I'm gonna go
to my office now,

and within five minutes, I want you
to tell me who deserves it the most.

Otherwise,
nobody gets it.

We have all been
acting like real jerks.

We've compromised our
principles for a silly office.

Caitlin's right.

I'm gonna go tell
him I don't want it.

One sucker down.

Don't you see
what's happening?

Carter's the good guy,
so Charlie gives him the office.

Oh, even I wouldn't
stoop to that level.

- No office is worth that.
- You're right.

- I don't want it.
- I don't, either!

- Yes!
- What?

You played mind games with me,
I played a mind game on you.

You don't want it, you don't
want it, you don't want it.

That means there's only one guy
left, and I know he wants it.

The office goes to...

I don't want it.

- I do! I do! I'm back in!
- So am I.

- So am I.
- What happened?

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

Sir, you were right.
I can't do this.

In the past day,
I've been bribed,

I've been blackmailed. One of you
even offered to sleep with me.

You slut!

The mayor asked me to
make a simple decision,

and the reason I couldn't do it
is because you're my friends

and I didn't want
to choose between you.

But now I don't want
to give it to any of you!

And by the way,

I was a male
cheerleader,

and the chicks
loved it!

Wow, that is sexy.

Tell me about it.

Charlie was right, we've all
been acting really selfish.

- We should tell the mayor it wasn't his fault.
- I'll go tell him.

Whoa. Why should you be
the one to go tell him?

Well, clearly
I'm the most...

...good-speaking guy.

I'll go.

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

Well, yeah, sure.

Listen, it's obvious
that we have a problem,

and you don't want to work
through it, so I'm leaving.

You know, the last
couple days

I've been
asking myself,

what am I
doing wrong?

And then
it hit me.

Nothing.

You're the one
acting like a big jerk.

You're right.
I'm sorry.

I have totally put
myself out there for you

and you've
given me nothing.

You make me sick.

Really?

You are shallow,
selfish and immature.

Maybe I need to be
disciplined.

Maybe you do.

Maybe we should go somewhere
and talk about this.

Maybe you shouldn't talk,
until I give you permission.

- Oh, God, you're hot.
- You're hot.

- I love you.
- Shut up, worm!

What are you doing?

The Christmas party
is starting.

I'm not in the mood.

You were right.

I couldn't do
a simple job.

Well, you had to choose between
your friends. That's never easy.

When I was a young man, I had to choose one
of my peers to be on the honor council.

The decision was going
to change someone's life.

So I took a little walk,
cleared my mind.

You know what happened?

You wound up in bed

with a sorority girl
at Wellesley college?

How'd you know that?

That's how all
your stories end.

Remember when I told you the
best way to evaluate someone

was not to let them know
that you're doing it?

Well, I've been
evaluating you, Charlie.

And you passed
with flying colors.

Why? I couldn't even
give away a stupid office.

The staff just came to me and
said it was their fault

that you couldn't give the
office away, and that they

would rather not have it if it was
going to reflect poorly on you.

They rallied
around you, Charlie,

and that's the sign
of a true leader.

Wow, sir.
Thank you.

We have a lot of work
to do this new term,

and you're the guy
I want by my side.

And I can't wait to roll up my
sleeves and get started.

You mean after you
get back from Tahiti?

I'm sorry,
was that not clear?

By the by, that
full-squad victory flip

you did in there...
...quite impressive.

How did you know
what it's called?

Yale pep squad,
1968.

Split 'em in half! Split 'em in half!
When? Now!

- Sir... are you all right?
- What, are you kidding? I'm fantastic.

- Can I help you up?
- Oh, nonsense.

I can sit like
this for hours.

No, you just run along
and have a good time.

Just take me straight
to the hospital.

So, ready for
our big date?

Oh, you know, Bob, I have
a lot of work to do and...

It can totally wait until
tomorrow. Let's go.

I can't tell you how good it
feels to get out of this suit.

Aren't you gonna
take out the pillow?

There's no pillow.

This baby's all Bob!

Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.

[BARKING]

Moo.

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