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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:06,400 So strange. I FEEL different. You know? 2 00:00:06,450 --> 00:00:09,780 As I saw as soon him, as soon as I saw that little fella, I thought, 3 00:00:09,820 --> 00:00:12,500 "Yep, life will never be the same." 4 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,620 The love you feel, it's... 5 00:00:16,660 --> 00:00:19,060 Why are you talking to me? 6 00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,300 I've just become a father. 7 00:00:20,340 --> 00:00:21,340 I don't care. 8 00:00:21,380 --> 00:00:23,540 Nor do I. None of us do. 9 00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:25,500 I'm not just a teacher, OK? 10 00:00:25,540 --> 00:00:27,900 This is me opening up a little bit. 11 00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:29,580 Jason, you know. What have I done? 12 00:00:29,620 --> 00:00:31,780 Nothing, I'm just saying I've become a dad. 13 00:00:31,820 --> 00:00:35,260 I shouldn't even be in the behavioural unit! All I did was eat some clay! 14 00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:38,700 All I'm saying is some of you might become parents one day. 15 00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:41,300 No way, I'd get rid. Who'd bang you? 16 00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:43,540 Your dad has. Help me out here. 17 00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:46,660 Come on, you've had a couple of kids. You were looking for me? 18 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:47,860 Yes. 19 00:00:47,900 --> 00:00:49,340 I would like paternity leave. 20 00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:51,460 No. I'm entitled. 21 00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:53,700 Hardly. You're not in a relationship with the mother 22 00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:56,980 and you live in a retirement village. 23 00:00:57,020 --> 00:00:59,180 Can I have any time off? Tomorrow. Saturday? 24 00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:01,860 Correct. 25 00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:03,380 SHE FARTS 26 00:01:03,420 --> 00:01:04,420 SHE SIGHS 27 00:01:04,460 --> 00:01:08,460 Jackpot. 28 00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:31,500 Late for breakfast as usual, Daniel. Late by your standards, yes. 29 00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:33,420 I don't have to get up at 4am. 30 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,020 But then, neither do you. 31 00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:37,740 You'll need to be here at five o'clock sharp tonight. 32 00:01:37,780 --> 00:01:38,980 We won't wait. 33 00:01:39,020 --> 00:01:41,980 What? It's Ham Saturday! 34 00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:43,580 Honestly, do you ever listen? 35 00:01:43,620 --> 00:01:47,340 Your mother does a ham every last Saturday of the month. 36 00:01:47,380 --> 00:01:49,060 I've already chosen my outfit. 37 00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:52,380 It's a meat night at a retirement village, it's not the Mobos. 38 00:01:52,420 --> 00:01:56,420 Besides, I'll be spending tonight with my son, obviously. 39 00:01:57,420 --> 00:02:01,020 Emma won't want you fussing. She won't want a silly billy 40 00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:04,340 in the way. Poor dear will have a vagina like a stamped bat. 41 00:02:04,380 --> 00:02:07,620 OK. I'm out. 42 00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:08,980 Oh. Carol. 43 00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:11,940 Have I shown you a picture of my child? 44 00:02:11,980 --> 00:02:13,660 Carol? 45 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,420 Oh, Daniel, sorry. 46 00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:17,460 Sergeant Lick has had a bad morning. 47 00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:19,780 I let him out to make watter and he were attacked. What by? 48 00:02:19,820 --> 00:02:22,300 A giant chicken. 49 00:02:22,340 --> 00:02:24,180 I saw it with me own eyes. 50 00:02:24,220 --> 00:02:27,460 It was the size of a turkey, but it were a chicken. 51 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:31,500 How can such a bird exist? 52 00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:35,020 Do you think you should go somewhere else, rather 53 00:02:35,060 --> 00:02:37,780 than the breakfast area? 54 00:02:37,820 --> 00:02:40,500 If I bring my son to visit, it's not very hygienic, is it? 55 00:02:40,540 --> 00:02:44,180 Oh, but it's just he's very old and he had to be sedated. 56 00:02:44,220 --> 00:02:45,820 This is where he curled up. 57 00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:47,940 Well. I could put him on the big bean bag. 58 00:02:47,980 --> 00:02:50,900 Oh, the conflict is debilitating! 59 00:02:50,940 --> 00:02:53,420 Sorry. Sorry! 60 00:02:53,460 --> 00:02:55,100 You can be so thoughtless! 61 00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:58,220 Sergeant Lick is like a son to her. 62 00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:01,540 Well, I'm an actual dad, but no-one seems interested in that. 63 00:03:01,580 --> 00:03:04,700 You haven't got a clue about parenthood. You long shit. 64 00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:08,740 Goodbye. Five o'clock sharp, for ham, Daniel. 65 00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:13,780 I haven't got time for this. I should be on my fifth travel sweet. One per hour, no chewing. 66 00:03:13,820 --> 00:03:16,900 It'll only take a minute, Brian. Please, just a bit of financial advice. 67 00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:18,140 It's my daughter's birthday. 68 00:03:18,180 --> 00:03:20,180 I need to get there early to make an impact. 69 00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:23,260 She's been up in Scotland a long time and she's beginning to turn. 70 00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:25,860 Some people are gay, Brian. Deal with it. 71 00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:29,540 What? She's six years old. It's her accent, it's becoming... 72 00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:30,900 Scottish. 73 00:03:30,940 --> 00:03:32,580 So? People always change their accents. 74 00:03:32,620 --> 00:03:35,740 What about that time Mickey banged his head? Chinese for a whole year. 75 00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:39,140 I didn't buy that then, I don't buy it now. The man's got attention deficit disorder. 76 00:03:39,180 --> 00:03:40,860 Oh, Brian, please! All right, shut up. 77 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,820 I'm looking. It's a mess. 78 00:03:42,860 --> 00:03:44,180 It's a good system. 79 00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:46,940 Putting stuff in a box labelled "things I don't understand" 80 00:03:46,980 --> 00:03:49,460 is not a system. 81 00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:51,260 Why don't you understand this? 82 00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:52,940 Hello, Brian? 83 00:03:52,980 --> 00:03:54,140 She's dead. 84 00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:58,180 So you don't understand the concept of time? 85 00:03:58,620 --> 00:04:00,060 Ah, good, you brought it. 86 00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:03,900 Reluctantly. I have memories attached to that. All right, Seamus Heaney. 87 00:04:03,940 --> 00:04:07,940 It's a pram, not a lock of your father's hair. Brian's in a grump because his daughter has 88 00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:10,060 gone a wee bit Scotland. Exactly my point. 89 00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:13,180 The word in this country is small. Not wee. 90 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:16,980 Right. Would anyone like to ask me how I feel about becoming a father? 91 00:04:17,020 --> 00:04:20,260 What's this? No? 92 00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:23,100 Shakira, would you be interested in seeing a video of my new baby? 93 00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:27,140 Would you be interested in seeing one of me pissing in a bin? I see. 94 00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:31,500 Things have really changed. 95 00:04:31,540 --> 00:04:34,820 Even colours seem more vibrant, you know? 96 00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:35,940 Hello! 97 00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:37,580 Oh, my God. Jo! 98 00:04:37,620 --> 00:04:38,740 Yeah. 99 00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:40,580 They're letters from my pen pal, Humrick. 100 00:04:40,620 --> 00:04:42,580 I say pen pal - I don't write back. 101 00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:44,540 Humrick - little bit dull. 102 00:04:44,580 --> 00:04:48,580 Not Humrick, Jo - HMRC - these are tax demands. 103 00:04:49,220 --> 00:04:51,700 Why aren't we talking about me? 104 00:04:51,740 --> 00:04:54,540 I've had a child! I've got to concentrate. Shush! 105 00:04:54,580 --> 00:04:56,580 Jesus Christ. 106 00:04:56,620 --> 00:04:57,900 Fuck, yeah. 107 00:04:57,940 --> 00:04:59,700 You need to drink some more water. 108 00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:03,740 That looks like cloudy honey. 109 00:05:03,940 --> 00:05:07,380 I won't be ignored. 110 00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:10,620 I created life! 111 00:05:10,660 --> 00:05:13,780 Jo, these are dating back to the '90s, you could owe thousands. 112 00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:15,580 We need to get you an accountant. 113 00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:17,300 It's OK. This is good. 114 00:05:17,340 --> 00:05:19,020 It's not good. 115 00:05:19,060 --> 00:05:20,620 I'm freaking the fuck out. 116 00:05:20,660 --> 00:05:24,660 When I get back from Scotland, we'll... 117 00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:29,020 Can't believe it. I can't believe I've had a baby. 118 00:05:29,060 --> 00:05:31,620 Me! You haven't had a baby. 119 00:05:31,660 --> 00:05:32,860 I had a baby. 120 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,420 You were useless. 121 00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:37,500 Hey. It was emotion. Dry retching over a bin, repeatedly saying, 122 00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:40,580 "Here it comes again. This is the one," is not emotion. 123 00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:42,460 Well, I'm Superdad now. 124 00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:44,540 I've remembered the pram. 125 00:05:44,580 --> 00:05:48,580 You're too late. Mum and Dad bought a new one today. 126 00:05:50,660 --> 00:05:51,940 That's nice. 127 00:05:51,980 --> 00:05:55,100 Where's that little smasher? 128 00:05:55,140 --> 00:05:56,780 Hello! Oh... 129 00:05:56,820 --> 00:05:59,420 Hello. Lovely to see you. 130 00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,580 He's adorable. 131 00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:04,580 He's really special. 132 00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:05,940 Yeah, he's a one-off. 133 00:06:05,980 --> 00:06:07,500 And I hope this is appropriate. 134 00:06:07,540 --> 00:06:11,540 He's got a lovely penis. 135 00:06:12,060 --> 00:06:14,900 We've brought you some nappies and some flowers. 136 00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:17,620 You should see what he's done with the nursery, he's painted it 137 00:06:17,660 --> 00:06:19,060 from top to bottom. 138 00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,060 And what did I find in the loft? 139 00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:25,100 A certain little frock that a certain little girl used to wear! 140 00:06:25,220 --> 00:06:26,620 No! 141 00:06:26,660 --> 00:06:28,660 You! 142 00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:30,300 Oh. Follow the yellow brick road 143 00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:32,260 Follow the yellow brick road 144 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:36,300 ? Follow, follow, follow, follow Follow the yellow brick road. ? 145 00:06:37,340 --> 00:06:39,060 I'm a cowardly lion. 146 00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:43,100 I haven't got a heart. I'm sick as fuck! Ah... 147 00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:45,740 NURSE COUGHS 148 00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:48,740 Hello? Did you not see the sign? 149 00:06:48,780 --> 00:06:52,780 Oh. Oh... 150 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:56,660 Oh. No, I should... 151 00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:58,540 I should be the one to go. 152 00:06:58,580 --> 00:07:01,820 Well, if you just pop outside for a bit. 153 00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:03,260 Well, I'll tell you what. 154 00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:04,300 I'm his dad. 155 00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:06,940 I'll take him out for a while. 156 00:07:06,980 --> 00:07:08,700 Sorry, did I say something funny? 157 00:07:08,740 --> 00:07:09,980 The child is a day old. 158 00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:14,020 What were you planning? Take him out bowling? 159 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:19,060 What did you have in mind? An afternoon on the rifle range? 160 00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:24,100 Why not get him some rollerblades, you stupid bastard?! 161 00:07:30,060 --> 00:07:34,060 Jo. 162 00:07:35,740 --> 00:07:37,780 'Dear Brian. The taxman could be anywhere. 163 00:07:37,820 --> 00:07:39,980 'I've gone off-grid. Is that how you spell grid? 164 00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:42,220 'I've stared at it too long now, it looks weird. 165 00:07:42,260 --> 00:07:46,260 'Grid, grid. Grid. Grid. Grid, grid. Grid. Grid.' 166 00:07:53,660 --> 00:07:54,660 Jo. 167 00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:56,420 Listen, this is ridiculous. 168 00:07:56,460 --> 00:07:58,860 I've looked through the rest of your papers and essentially 169 00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:00,220 you've never existed. 170 00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:01,660 Anyway, I'll help. 171 00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:04,060 Now call me. I need to hit the road in my car 172 00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:07,620 while I'm worried about you. 173 00:08:07,660 --> 00:08:09,060 ANSWERPHONE BEEPS 174 00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:11,460 HEAVY SCOTTISH ACCENT: Och, Daddy, I forgot to say just now 175 00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:14,540 I cannae wait to see you at my wee birthday party. 176 00:08:14,580 --> 00:08:18,580 Motherfucker! 177 00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:21,140 SHOUTING 178 00:08:21,180 --> 00:08:25,180 MUSIC: Let Me Be The Man My Daddy Was by The Chi-Lites 179 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:32,580 Oh, let me be 180 00:08:32,620 --> 00:08:36,620 The man my daddy was 181 00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:41,340 Oh let me be 182 00:08:41,380 --> 00:08:44,060 ? The man... ? 183 00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:45,900 Sorry about that, buddy. 184 00:08:45,940 --> 00:08:48,940 He's got a brutal left foot. 185 00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:51,220 I know you. Do you? 186 00:08:51,260 --> 00:08:53,620 You're that bloke that was trying to live in a gym. 187 00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:56,900 I wasn't trying to live in a gym. Yes, you were, you were trying to live in a gym. 188 00:08:56,940 --> 00:09:00,780 What? You living in a pram now? Supposed to be for my son. 189 00:09:00,820 --> 00:09:03,500 You've got a kid? You? Little boy. 190 00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:05,620 Didn't have you pegged as a dad. 191 00:09:05,660 --> 00:09:09,660 Honestly, just being truthful, I thought you were the biggest loser on the earth. 192 00:09:10,580 --> 00:09:12,860 I mean...tried to live in a gym. 193 00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:15,100 Hey! I wasn't trying to live in the gym. Yes, you were, 194 00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:17,020 you were trying to live in the gym. 195 00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:18,660 Well, I am the biggest loser on earth. 196 00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:20,700 Not even allowed to take him out. 197 00:09:20,740 --> 00:09:22,220 What do you mean? 198 00:09:22,260 --> 00:09:24,140 Me and the mum aren't together, so... 199 00:09:24,180 --> 00:09:26,460 This pisses me off. My girl is the same. 200 00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,860 She didn't think Dad time matters, but it matters, man. 201 00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,620 I had to tell her who Poppa Bear was. 202 00:09:30,660 --> 00:09:34,540 Who is Poppa Bear? I'm Poppa Bear, and you're Poppa Bear. 203 00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:36,980 I'm not Poppa Bear. Not with that attitude. 204 00:09:37,020 --> 00:09:40,460 That's why I started the Dad Club, to give poppas the time they need 205 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,660 with their little cubs. 206 00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:45,900 You want to hang with the Dad pack? 207 00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:49,940 I'd love it. Er... 208 00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:54,460 Tell me you're Poppa Bear. I'm Poppa Bear. Mean it. 209 00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:58,260 I'm Poppa Bear. Bears roar, they don't mew like a pussy. 210 00:09:58,300 --> 00:09:59,660 I'm Poppa Bear. Mean it! 211 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,340 I am Poppa Bear! 212 00:10:01,380 --> 00:10:05,380 Louder. I'M POPPA BEAR! 213 00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:07,620 It's still a no. 214 00:10:07,660 --> 00:10:11,660 I am Poppa Bear. I'm Momma Don't Give A Shit. 215 00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:15,780 Oh. 216 00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:18,940 Look. I know you both know where she is. 217 00:10:18,980 --> 00:10:21,140 She just not show. 218 00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:24,180 She's supposed to be here dressed as the big egg. 219 00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:25,940 Of course she is. 220 00:10:25,980 --> 00:10:27,540 OK. 221 00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:31,260 Mr Crumbs. Mr Crumbs, do you have children? 222 00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:34,940 No. Crumbs only have fish and lizard. 223 00:10:34,980 --> 00:10:38,020 OK. That'll work. What are their names? 224 00:10:38,060 --> 00:10:39,820 Dominic. 225 00:10:39,860 --> 00:10:41,780 What? Both of them? 226 00:10:41,820 --> 00:10:44,100 Sorry, both of them are called Dominic? 227 00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:48,140 The fish and the lizard? 228 00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:51,340 OK. 229 00:10:51,380 --> 00:10:55,060 I'm sure you love Dominic and Dominic very much. 230 00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:58,180 So much. So, so much. 231 00:10:58,220 --> 00:10:59,580 Good. 232 00:10:59,620 --> 00:11:02,300 Well, just imagine someone was stopping you from seeing them. 233 00:11:02,340 --> 00:11:03,620 No! 234 00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:05,220 Why? 235 00:11:05,260 --> 00:11:08,100 Why they stop Crumb from seeing Dominic? 236 00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:09,900 Where are Dominic? 237 00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:12,140 No, no, they're not... Dominic are fine. 238 00:11:12,180 --> 00:11:13,620 I just wanted you to imagine... 239 00:11:13,660 --> 00:11:15,980 Who take Dominic? 240 00:11:16,020 --> 00:11:20,020 WHY? DOMINIC! 241 00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:26,500 Have you any idea at all where she might be? 242 00:11:28,940 --> 00:11:31,900 Well, thank you! 243 00:11:38,940 --> 00:11:42,940 MESSAGE ALERT 244 00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:01,900 Oh, Dan. I'm so sorry Sergeant Lick's still here. 245 00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:05,940 I should move him because it's ham night tonight. Oh! 246 00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:10,020 No, you can't... You can leave him, actually, Carol. 247 00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:11,460 I'll watch him for you. 248 00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:13,340 Oh, you are so kind. 249 00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:16,180 You're going to make the best dad in the whole world. 250 00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:20,220 Well... 251 00:12:28,060 --> 00:12:32,060 Take good care of my baby 252 00:12:32,860 --> 00:12:35,660 ? Please don't ever make her blue... ? 253 00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:38,900 DOG BARKS 254 00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:41,660 Just tell her that you love her 255 00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:44,900 Make sure you're thinking of her 256 00:12:44,940 --> 00:12:48,380 ? In everything you say and do... ? 257 00:12:48,420 --> 00:12:50,140 LAUGHTER 258 00:12:50,180 --> 00:12:53,700 I said, "Lady, do I look like I've got the time to get a haircut?" 259 00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:57,300 ""I've got a baby. I'm amazed if I get a chance to wash my balls!" 260 00:12:57,340 --> 00:12:58,740 I know what you mean. I do. 261 00:12:58,780 --> 00:13:01,420 You should have plenty of time, the amount of sleep that kid gets. 262 00:13:01,460 --> 00:13:03,940 Yeah! When are we going to get to meet your little lad? 263 00:13:03,980 --> 00:13:07,140 Hopefully, not today, right, lads? Let them sleep, eh? 264 00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:08,860 You don't want to let him kip too long 265 00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:10,740 because he won't sleep tonight. 266 00:13:10,780 --> 00:13:12,540 Here's the thing. With mine, 267 00:13:12,580 --> 00:13:13,740 he will. 268 00:13:13,780 --> 00:13:15,500 Confident! 269 00:13:15,540 --> 00:13:18,780 Excuse us. Need to see a man about a quiche. 270 00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:20,300 Oh, quiche! Oh! 271 00:13:20,340 --> 00:13:21,660 LAUGHTER 272 00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:23,460 So, he sleeps OK at night, then? 273 00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:27,020 Yeah. Ye-ah! I wish you would share the secret - mine's a nightmare. 274 00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:30,500 Oh! Yeah. How do you get him off? 275 00:13:30,540 --> 00:13:32,140 Oh, I, er... 276 00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:33,540 I sing. 277 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,700 Oh. What do you sing? 278 00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:38,580 You wouldn't know it. Really? What is it? 279 00:13:38,620 --> 00:13:42,220 It's, er... 280 00:13:42,260 --> 00:13:44,900 It's an old Jamaican lullaby. 281 00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:48,940 What? Yeah, when I was travelling I learned it from a wise old woman. 282 00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:50,500 Works a treat. 283 00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:51,860 Bullshit. Not bullshit. 284 00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:53,620 Beautiful. 285 00:13:53,660 --> 00:13:56,700 What's it called? 286 00:13:56,740 --> 00:13:58,620 It's called Under De Coconut Tree. 287 00:13:58,660 --> 00:14:01,420 It's called what? It's called Under De Coconut... 288 00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:02,940 What's all this? Hello, you two! 289 00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:05,540 Dan's going to sing us his song that gets his kid off! 290 00:14:05,580 --> 00:14:07,380 Oh, hey! I'm not! 291 00:14:07,420 --> 00:14:08,420 Come on! Fuck off! 292 00:14:08,460 --> 00:14:09,660 Seriously. Fuck off. 293 00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:12,420 OK, Papa Bear. I want to meet this boy. I'm going to get him up. 294 00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:14,860 No, no, no, no! He needs more sleep. 295 00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:17,460 No, he doesn't. He doesn't need more sleep. 296 00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:19,620 I'm going to get him up. 297 00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:23,660 HIGH-PITCHED REEDY VOICE: Under de coconut tree-ee... 298 00:14:25,420 --> 00:14:29,420 Why is my bay-bee so sleepy? 299 00:14:30,940 --> 00:14:33,980 Because he can hear de sound of the sea 300 00:14:34,020 --> 00:14:38,020 ? Lapping by de shore of de coconut tree-eee. ? 301 00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:48,060 BASSO PROFUNDO: Coco-nu-uu-ut! 302 00:15:02,740 --> 00:15:05,620 Hello! Escaped the midwives, then? 303 00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:07,300 Ah, yes, they let me out. 304 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:10,820 Yeah, they probably just needed the bed. 305 00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:11,940 Oh... 306 00:15:11,980 --> 00:15:14,060 Sorry. Do you want me to put this out? 307 00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:17,060 No, don't you worry. Don't you let the newborn spoil your fag. 308 00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:20,580 Yeah. I'll put it out. 309 00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:21,700 Aw... 310 00:15:21,740 --> 00:15:23,780 He's beautiful, by the way. 311 00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:25,580 Doesn't look at all like his dad. 312 00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:26,620 Yeah. Touch wood. 313 00:15:26,660 --> 00:15:28,100 Don't you touch any wood. 314 00:15:28,140 --> 00:15:32,140 That's what got you into this mess in the first place. 315 00:15:33,740 --> 00:15:35,980 So you haven't seen Dan, have you? 316 00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:38,420 He came by earlier, seemed a bit panicked. No. 317 00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:40,420 I'm worried we might have crowded him out a bit. 318 00:15:40,460 --> 00:15:44,460 Yeah. The hormones can make you act like a bit of a twat. 319 00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:50,900 Cool. See you, then. See you later. 320 00:15:51,540 --> 00:15:52,660 WHISPERS: What the fuck? 321 00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:55,940 LAUGHTER 322 00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:58,100 Bit of a whiff coming from over there. 323 00:15:58,140 --> 00:16:00,420 Yeah, he's a farter, all right. 324 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,020 Whoo! Almost like it needs changing. 325 00:16:03,060 --> 00:16:07,060 The baby that never leaves the pram. 326 00:16:07,660 --> 00:16:08,700 Dan! 327 00:16:08,740 --> 00:16:09,740 What the fuck? Shh! 328 00:16:09,780 --> 00:16:12,020 What are you doing? I've joined Dad Club. 329 00:16:12,060 --> 00:16:14,420 Well, I've just seen Emma with your baby, 330 00:16:14,460 --> 00:16:15,940 so what the fuck is in there? 331 00:16:15,980 --> 00:16:18,420 WHISPERS: Shut up! Oh, my God! Is that a... 332 00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:21,540 I have told you, he's sleeping! 333 00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:23,180 Have you lost your mind? 334 00:16:23,220 --> 00:16:24,980 So you're allowed to see the mystery kid? 335 00:16:25,020 --> 00:16:27,540 Yeah. Dan, have you not let them see the mystery kid? 336 00:16:27,580 --> 00:16:31,020 Well, he needs changing, so we can all see him. 337 00:16:31,060 --> 00:16:33,340 He is a bit smelly, man. Yeah! Come on, Dan! 338 00:16:33,380 --> 00:16:34,700 Yeah, but.. I mean... 339 00:16:34,740 --> 00:16:36,860 Come on, Dan. Come on! Come on! 340 00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:39,660 You can do it. Come on, what's wrong? You can do it! 341 00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:43,700 Come on, Dan! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! 342 00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:48,100 I think I know my own kid! 343 00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:50,220 For God's sake! 344 00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,020 Let's get him changed! 345 00:16:52,060 --> 00:16:55,300 Honestly! Come on. 346 00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:56,340 SPLASH 347 00:16:56,380 --> 00:17:00,380 Ooh! There she goes! 348 00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:03,780 KNOCK AT DOOR 349 00:17:03,820 --> 00:17:06,420 Hello? I couldn't help notice, you didn't take any nappies in. 350 00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:10,060 So I brought you one. 351 00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:11,540 No, you're all right! 352 00:17:11,580 --> 00:17:14,980 You need a nappy, right? 353 00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:16,220 No. 354 00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:18,500 Why not? 355 00:17:18,540 --> 00:17:20,020 He uses the toilet. 356 00:17:20,060 --> 00:17:21,740 A baby? 357 00:17:21,780 --> 00:17:24,620 Yep. I trained him to use the toilet. So... 358 00:17:24,660 --> 00:17:26,820 Right. Well, when you're done, I'd like to use it. 359 00:17:26,860 --> 00:17:30,860 Yup. 360 00:17:31,860 --> 00:17:35,860 Coming. 361 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:38,940 FAILS TO FLUSH 362 00:17:38,980 --> 00:17:41,620 WHISPERS: Oh, fuck. 363 00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:45,660 Oh! No! 364 00:17:51,060 --> 00:17:55,060 All done. 365 00:17:57,900 --> 00:17:59,660 Jesus Christ! 366 00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:00,860 Your baby did that? 367 00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:02,380 Yeah. 368 00:18:02,420 --> 00:18:04,020 It's massive. 369 00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:05,740 You did this. No, I didn't. 370 00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:09,420 Bullshit. Not bullshit, baby shit. He's had a bit of malt loaf. 371 00:18:09,460 --> 00:18:10,700 It's bigger than he is! 372 00:18:10,740 --> 00:18:12,500 He goes once a week like a sloth, get over it! 373 00:18:12,540 --> 00:18:13,820 Show me your kid. 374 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:16,220 No. 375 00:18:16,260 --> 00:18:17,780 Oh... 376 00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:19,260 Ah! 377 00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:21,980 Just taking him out for a bit of air. 378 00:18:22,020 --> 00:18:24,620 Come try this quiche for me. You can really taste the fennel. 379 00:18:24,660 --> 00:18:28,660 Yeah. Back in two ticks. 380 00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:32,740 Thanks for that, you dick! 381 00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:35,020 I'm a dick? What are you playing at? 382 00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:37,100 I just want to belong to something, all right? 383 00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:39,340 The Lipseys have cut me out of my own son's life. 384 00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:40,980 I'm out of the inner circle. 385 00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:43,220 Had to start my own. All right. Calm down. 386 00:18:43,260 --> 00:18:45,500 Let's go and have a pint. 387 00:18:45,540 --> 00:18:48,100 Yeah, all right. Come on. Quick one. 388 00:18:48,140 --> 00:18:50,180 You reckon your son will be OK beside some bins 389 00:18:50,220 --> 00:18:52,420 where dogs clearly piss? 390 00:18:52,460 --> 00:18:56,460 It's not going anywhere. Come on. 391 00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:02,660 Jo, you need to pick up. I should be in Skelton Services by now. 392 00:19:03,940 --> 00:19:05,100 Jo, if I get up there late 393 00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:07,860 and those girls are eating offal and head-butting tourists, 394 00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:10,460 you and I are going to have words! 395 00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:12,420 Sorry I'm no fun on your birthday, darling, 396 00:19:12,460 --> 00:19:15,460 but I spent yesterday playing hide and seek with an Oxbridge twat! 397 00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,740 Now I'm a little bit tired. Not a wee bit. A little! 398 00:19:17,780 --> 00:19:21,460 Freedom! 399 00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:25,060 Unbelievable. 400 00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:26,820 No respect at all. 401 00:19:26,860 --> 00:19:30,860 Just leaving it in the middle of the street. 402 00:19:31,780 --> 00:19:34,580 Just relax, Dan, everything's going to be fine. 403 00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:35,620 Thanks. 404 00:19:35,660 --> 00:19:37,140 Honestly, you are an idiot. 405 00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:40,220 Now, get back to your daddy mates, they're missing you. 406 00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:41,900 Yo! Papa Bear! 407 00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:43,380 The others are at Nando's. 408 00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:45,500 They've been given their wooden spoon. 409 00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:47,860 Oh, thanks. I better get the little one home. 410 00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:49,740 Yeah? Where is he? 411 00:19:49,780 --> 00:19:52,780 Oh. He's, er... 412 00:19:52,820 --> 00:19:53,980 Oh, he's gone! 413 00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:57,180 You left him at the side of a pub near some bins? Yeah. I did. 414 00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:58,620 And, yeah, he's gone. 415 00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:00,220 Jesus Christ! 416 00:20:00,260 --> 00:20:03,620 I'm sure he'll be fine. Your baby has been stolen, you fucking nutter! 417 00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:05,740 Or has he? Is there a baby? 418 00:20:05,780 --> 00:20:07,300 Yes, there's a baby. 419 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,540 He's in shock. I'm going to call the police. 420 00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:13,540 There's no need for that. Come on! This must happen all the time. 421 00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:16,900 Christ! Papa Bear! 422 00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:18,540 RADIO: All units, 1057. 423 00:20:18,580 --> 00:20:22,580 Be on the lookout for a distinctive pushchair. Possible abduction. 424 00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:27,700 I'll stop you there, if I may. 425 00:20:27,740 --> 00:20:29,540 Sorry, officer. I'm in a rush. 426 00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:32,100 I can imagine. Your baby? 427 00:20:32,140 --> 00:20:34,260 No. Well... 428 00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,180 Kidnappers aren't usually so honest. 429 00:20:36,220 --> 00:20:38,940 Do I look like the sort of person that abducts babies? 430 00:20:38,980 --> 00:20:40,740 Come on, sir! 431 00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:44,180 The moustache, the Farrar slacks, the soft hands. 432 00:20:44,220 --> 00:20:48,220 You look like you've gone as a child snatcher to a fancy dress do. 433 00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,380 This is textbook oppression. 434 00:20:50,420 --> 00:20:52,860 In England, our law-enforcers are accountable. 435 00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:56,780 I'll take your number. 436 00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:58,780 I'll ask you to calm down. 437 00:20:58,820 --> 00:21:02,220 I should have known violence wasn't far away, you savage! 438 00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:03,660 Why not finish the job? 439 00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:07,100 Paint your face blue and show me your arse! 440 00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,020 No need for profanity, sir. 441 00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:11,180 Right. That's it. I'm going. 442 00:21:11,220 --> 00:21:14,100 Just wait there a wee moment. 443 00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:18,140 The word...is "small"! 444 00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:20,620 Guys. I appreciate your concern. 445 00:21:20,660 --> 00:21:23,380 But I'm sure he'll come home when he's hungry. They always do. 446 00:21:23,420 --> 00:21:25,500 You're talking crazy. 447 00:21:25,540 --> 00:21:28,300 Oh, my God! Up there! 448 00:21:28,340 --> 00:21:30,700 He's still alive! Oh! 449 00:21:30,740 --> 00:21:34,060 BRIAN: I am taking my pram and I am going to Dundee! 450 00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:38,100 Agh! 451 00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:44,900 BUZZING 452 00:21:44,940 --> 00:21:47,460 Oh! Arrggh! Argh! Agh! 453 00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:51,500 AGONISED GASPING 454 00:21:51,820 --> 00:21:53,100 Brian? 455 00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:57,140 Jo? You grassed me! 456 00:21:59,100 --> 00:22:03,100 Jo, my pram! 457 00:22:19,460 --> 00:22:23,460 No! 458 00:22:42,940 --> 00:22:46,940 Uh! 459 00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:52,300 Um... 460 00:22:53,180 --> 00:22:57,180 What the fuck? 461 00:22:59,620 --> 00:23:00,940 I knew it. 462 00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:03,380 Daniel! So you took the ham! 463 00:23:03,420 --> 00:23:06,340 I blamed Sergeant Lick. I've had him destroyed. 464 00:23:06,380 --> 00:23:08,660 This is going to take three hours to cook 465 00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:12,700 and you know we like to eat at five. 466 00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,980 ? All the times that I've heard... ? 467 00:23:24,020 --> 00:23:25,940 This is Brian Ames. I'm currently unavailable. 468 00:23:25,980 --> 00:23:27,860 Please leave a message after the single tone. 469 00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:28,900 BEEP 470 00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:32,940 Daddy, how long till you get here? I cannae wait to see you. 471 00:23:34,820 --> 00:23:38,020 If they were right I'd agree 472 00:23:38,060 --> 00:23:41,740 But it's them they know, not me 473 00:23:41,780 --> 00:23:44,500 Now there's a way and I know 474 00:23:44,540 --> 00:23:48,540 That I have to go away 475 00:23:48,820 --> 00:23:50,820 I know... 476 00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:52,660 ? ..I have to go. ? 477 00:23:52,710 --> 00:23:57,260 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 34566

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