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1
00:00:00,616 --> 00:00:05,156
- Well... the space mission's finished.
- What?!
2
00:00:05,189 --> 00:00:08,848
The captain got off with the lizard
queen? That's a shit end.
3
00:00:08,849 --> 00:00:11,049
It's not shit, Dennis,
it's beautiful.
4
00:00:11,166 --> 00:00:15,166
So, everyone lived happily ever
after. How imaginative!
5
00:00:15,206 --> 00:00:19,206
Erm, hands up here who considers
Karen to be a friend.
6
00:00:19,566 --> 00:00:22,726
Anyone? Not a single hand.
7
00:00:22,828 --> 00:00:24,027
Oh.
8
00:00:24,028 --> 00:00:27,427
Please don't stop space mission,
sir! We fucking love it!
9
00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:31,067
Oh listen, I fucking love it, son...
10
00:00:31,068 --> 00:00:32,108
but it's over.
11
00:00:33,588 --> 00:00:36,588
Go, guys. Don't look back.
12
00:00:39,588 --> 00:00:43,307
'Human scum,
it is I, the alien queen.
13
00:00:43,308 --> 00:00:47,308
'I'm enjoying my lunch. Thank
you for sending me your captain!'
14
00:00:51,148 --> 00:00:54,867
What? Eaten him? The bitch.
15
00:00:54,868 --> 00:00:58,707
Noooooo!!
16
00:00:58,708 --> 00:00:59,787
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
17
00:00:59,788 --> 00:01:02,187
Looks like we'll have to go
back to the dangerous planet
18
00:01:02,188 --> 00:01:03,267
next term after all.
19
00:01:03,268 --> 00:01:05,147
Yeah!
20
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,588
Yes, good. Go, go, go, go.
21
00:01:10,708 --> 00:01:12,867
Yay! Yay!
22
00:01:12,868 --> 00:01:15,987
Was that all right?
Was that really what you wanted?
23
00:01:15,988 --> 00:01:18,787
Are you joking?
You scared the shit out of them.
24
00:01:18,788 --> 00:01:21,707
You are a wonderful lizard.
Thank you. Yes, it was difficult,
25
00:01:21,708 --> 00:01:23,708
seeing as I'm a warm-blooded
creature.
26
00:01:25,508 --> 00:01:29,508
So, erm... half term. Are you...?
27
00:01:30,268 --> 00:01:33,867
Getting smashed out of my mind
every day? Yes, I am.
28
00:01:33,868 --> 00:01:35,067
I can't wait.
29
00:01:35,068 --> 00:01:37,307
Last time, we were down the pub,
30
00:01:37,308 --> 00:01:39,787
Brian hadn't come out because
of his wife, obviously,
31
00:01:39,788 --> 00:01:42,107
but Jo was there.
There was this German guy
32
00:01:42,108 --> 00:01:44,988
and he had no trousers and pants
on at the beginning of the...
33
00:01:48,268 --> 00:01:49,824
Emma?
34
00:01:51,124 --> 00:01:59,124
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
35
00:02:16,708 --> 00:02:19,067
Afternoon, team. How are we?
Hey, Brian.
36
00:02:19,068 --> 00:02:20,907
You remember my secretary, Barbara?
37
00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:23,667
All right, Barbara.
Hello, Barbara.
38
00:02:23,668 --> 00:02:25,267
Excited about half term?
39
00:02:25,268 --> 00:02:28,627
Excited? I'm like a chimp that's
ripped a woman's face off.
40
00:02:28,628 --> 00:02:32,628
So, agenda - pub tonight.
Raj's for a curry tomorrow night.
41
00:02:33,228 --> 00:02:36,027
Jo, I think we said Monkey Magic
at your tent on Sunday. Yep.
42
00:02:36,028 --> 00:02:39,387
Barbara, you're welcome to all of these.
Wicked! I'm gonna get crisps.
43
00:02:39,388 --> 00:02:42,427
Great. I can't come to curry tomorrow
night but the rest sounds good.
44
00:02:42,428 --> 00:02:45,787
What? What? Actually, I've got
a bit of good news. I've, er...
45
00:02:45,788 --> 00:02:49,788
Well, Barbara and I have been nominated
in the local business awards. Brilliant!
46
00:02:50,148 --> 00:02:52,707
We haven't won,
we've just been nominated.
47
00:02:52,708 --> 00:02:55,427
It'll go to Tony Gibson and,
er, rightly so.
48
00:02:55,428 --> 00:02:58,107
And the ceremony's tomorrow night?
Yes.
49
00:02:58,108 --> 00:03:00,307
And you've only just found out?
50
00:03:00,308 --> 00:03:02,187
Well, erm... Bit sudden, Brian.
51
00:03:02,188 --> 00:03:05,467
Yeah, er... I think they told me
a couple of weeks ago.
52
00:03:05,468 --> 00:03:07,747
Well, where the hell are we gonna
get outfits from
53
00:03:07,748 --> 00:03:10,187
at this short notice?
It's black tie I bet, is it?
54
00:03:10,188 --> 00:03:13,827
Yes, it is. It's OK, just go to the tailor.
What, the tailor who beat the shit out of me
55
00:03:13,828 --> 00:03:17,187
cos I was wearing my mum's pants? Shall
I stick a live wasp up my knob as well, Jo?
56
00:03:17,188 --> 00:03:21,188
Oh, no, don't do that. Look, I just presumed
you guys wouldn't want to come. What?
57
00:03:21,628 --> 00:03:24,267
Naomi's going to be there
with her new boyfriend. Good.
58
00:03:24,268 --> 00:03:26,867
I'll turn up and make her really
jealous by taking a fit date.
59
00:03:26,868 --> 00:03:30,507
I'll have to go to an escort agency, of course.
Unless your wife's got someone...?
60
00:03:30,508 --> 00:03:33,627
Julia can't come, we've...
The nanny's had to go home.
61
00:03:33,628 --> 00:03:34,747
I'll be your date.
62
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,507
I can't take you. Naomi knows you.
63
00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:41,508
Right, well, you might change your mind
when you see my new dress, it's frontless.
64
00:03:42,308 --> 00:03:46,308
Are you sure you've not been wearing
it the wrong way round?
65
00:03:46,388 --> 00:03:50,388
Yes. Right, well, lots to do.
Er, hair, suit...
66
00:03:51,828 --> 00:03:53,347
Oh, this is gonna be stressful.
67
00:03:53,348 --> 00:03:55,707
Hoo! I need to get down the salon
for an industrial wax.
68
00:03:55,708 --> 00:03:58,627
Last time I went, it was like
Chewbacca had stood on a land mine.
69
00:03:58,628 --> 00:04:00,587
Do you know what I mean, Barbara?
70
00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:04,588
Guys! It'll be really boring,
you won't enjoy it.
71
00:04:05,068 --> 00:04:08,107
Brian? We wouldn't miss
this for the world. Honestly!
72
00:04:08,108 --> 00:04:11,427
It's almost like
you don't want us to come.
73
00:04:11,428 --> 00:04:15,428
Whoa, Shakira!
Best Service Award. Good luck.
74
00:04:15,948 --> 00:04:17,387
Good luck.
75
00:04:17,388 --> 00:04:21,388
Who the fuck are you?
76
00:04:24,028 --> 00:04:28,028
Right, OK.
He won't remember, be the adult.
77
00:04:29,028 --> 00:04:33,028
"Hello, I'd like a suit, please."
78
00:04:41,308 --> 00:04:45,308
No, he remembered.
He definitely remembered.
79
00:04:50,628 --> 00:04:52,787
Bow-chooka-bow-bow!
80
00:04:52,788 --> 00:04:56,788
Oh, Daniel, you are going to love
me. Problem sorted.
81
00:05:00,948 --> 00:05:03,387
All right? What's going on?
82
00:05:03,388 --> 00:05:07,388
Oh, the product of my ball bag.
Gerry, my son.
83
00:05:07,748 --> 00:05:10,027
Hello. All right.
84
00:05:10,028 --> 00:05:12,108
Y-you're right,
he is a lanky streak of piss.
85
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:17,227
Yes, aren't I? Your horse, Gerry?
86
00:05:17,228 --> 00:05:19,027
No, it's just following
him around!
87
00:05:19,028 --> 00:05:20,467
Of course it's Gerry's horse.
88
00:05:20,468 --> 00:05:22,387
He's been nominated
for Breeder of the Year.
89
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:24,507
Small Business Awards.
Oh, I'm going to that.
90
00:05:24,508 --> 00:05:26,587
Oh, aye, good piss up 'tis, n'all.
Oh.
91
00:05:26,588 --> 00:05:29,747
Dan hasn't been nominated, they
haven't got a micro penis category.
92
00:05:29,748 --> 00:05:31,947
What, bit tiny down there, is it?
93
00:05:31,948 --> 00:05:34,387
Tiny? You could barely see it.
94
00:05:34,388 --> 00:05:36,347
I thought he was a girl
till he was nine.
95
00:05:36,348 --> 00:05:39,187
What, a little thin un, like?
Yes, Gerry, yes. It's thin...
96
00:05:39,188 --> 00:05:43,188
Oh... but there's no length there,
either. Shame. Yeah.
97
00:05:44,348 --> 00:05:47,507
Good. I think we've established
the size of my penis.
98
00:05:47,508 --> 00:05:49,587
If you'll forgive me,
I'll go in to the house.
99
00:05:49,588 --> 00:05:51,667
Stroke her, Daniel.
100
00:05:51,668 --> 00:05:54,667
No, thank you.
She's lovely. Stroke the horse.
101
00:05:54,668 --> 00:05:56,267
I don't want to stroke the horse.
102
00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:58,347
Bloody hell, lad.
What's the matter with you?
103
00:05:58,348 --> 00:06:02,348
Stroke the bloody horse!
104
00:06:02,748 --> 00:06:06,227
Aargh!
105
00:06:06,228 --> 00:06:08,707
Well, this is perfect.
106
00:06:08,708 --> 00:06:11,707
Well, what are you doing
playing with a horse?
107
00:06:11,708 --> 00:06:13,707
How was I "playing with the horse"?
108
00:06:13,708 --> 00:06:16,347
It was a trap, he planned it.
Wake up, old woman!
109
00:06:16,348 --> 00:06:19,627
I'm sick of these silly
comments about your father.
110
00:06:19,628 --> 00:06:21,867
Gerry came to show the horse off.
111
00:06:21,868 --> 00:06:23,827
Yes, and now I've had my tit bitten.
112
00:06:23,828 --> 00:06:26,667
Well, never mind.
No-one will see it under your tux.
113
00:06:26,668 --> 00:06:29,067
I haven't got a tux, Mum.
114
00:06:29,068 --> 00:06:32,067
Your dad's one. What's that?
115
00:06:32,068 --> 00:06:34,867
Daniel hasn't got a tux
for the Business Awards.
116
00:06:34,868 --> 00:06:35,907
I said you've got one.
117
00:06:35,908 --> 00:06:39,908
I have two! You could
take your pick, my love.
118
00:06:40,828 --> 00:06:43,188
I'll go and get them. Ooh!
119
00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:47,067
See? He'd do anything for you.
120
00:06:47,068 --> 00:06:48,267
He's up to something.
121
00:06:48,268 --> 00:06:51,987
Oh, I used to think
he looked smashing in a tux.
122
00:06:51,988 --> 00:06:55,227
The fun we used to have
at those Rotary Club dos.
123
00:06:55,228 --> 00:06:58,547
Oh, in the mythical bygone
golden era,
124
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,747
when you could buy a house for ?3.
125
00:07:00,748 --> 00:07:03,987
None of you ever mention you only
earned 10p a year though, do you?
126
00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:05,147
Whitewash.
127
00:07:05,148 --> 00:07:07,347
You're so cynical, you kids.
128
00:07:07,348 --> 00:07:09,907
Bandage my tit. Here it is.
129
00:07:09,908 --> 00:07:12,227
This is the best one,
I never really wore the other.
130
00:07:12,228 --> 00:07:14,027
It's a bit too '70s.
131
00:07:14,028 --> 00:07:16,507
Wait a minute,
you're about a foot shorter than me.
132
00:07:16,508 --> 00:07:17,787
I can alter it, sweetheart.
133
00:07:17,788 --> 00:07:21,788
Oh! Look at her little eyes light
up at the thought of menial work!
134
00:07:21,988 --> 00:07:25,988
Let me get the sewing machine out.
Ooh, exciting!
135
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,867
Is, erm... Mario not here, then?
136
00:07:37,868 --> 00:07:41,868
No, he go to get, erm... suite
for Business Awards. Aah.
137
00:07:42,468 --> 00:07:43,787
You want cut?
138
00:07:43,788 --> 00:07:46,747
Yeah, I just need it tidied, really.
139
00:07:46,748 --> 00:07:50,107
Cutting it across. Yes, please.
140
00:07:50,108 --> 00:07:51,627
No, just a trim.
141
00:07:51,628 --> 00:07:53,827
Yes, please. Yes, please.
142
00:07:53,828 --> 00:07:55,788
Trim across, cut him across, yes?
143
00:07:58,268 --> 00:07:59,867
What's that?
144
00:07:59,868 --> 00:08:01,467
Turkish song, you sing?
145
00:08:01,468 --> 00:08:02,747
Yeah.
146
00:08:02,748 --> 00:08:04,587
Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum
147
00:08:04,588 --> 00:08:07,107
Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum
Oi-nama-shikadum...
148
00:08:07,108 --> 00:08:08,147
That's great.
149
00:08:08,148 --> 00:08:10,787
Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum
Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum
150
00:08:10,788 --> 00:08:12,307
Oi-nama-shikadum
Oi-nama...
151
00:08:12,308 --> 00:08:14,987
You do know what I mean, don't you?
Just a trim, yeah?
152
00:08:14,988 --> 00:08:16,907
Trim, yes! Cool.
153
00:08:16,908 --> 00:08:19,987
Oi-nama-shikadum... Ah!
De-de-de, de-de-divani
154
00:08:19,988 --> 00:08:22,827
Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum
Dillirurum-sololoom
155
00:08:22,828 --> 00:08:25,107
Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum
Somnu-dilidivani
156
00:08:25,108 --> 00:08:27,547
Beyan-mediboyum...
Oh, my fuck!
157
00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:31,308
Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum
Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum...
158
00:08:33,357 --> 00:08:35,236
See?
159
00:08:35,237 --> 00:08:36,676
You look nice.
160
00:08:36,677 --> 00:08:39,276
You've done a really great job.
Thanks, Mum.
161
00:08:39,277 --> 00:08:41,636
Does my hair look all right?
162
00:08:41,637 --> 00:08:44,836
I don't know whether you can tell,
I've tried to...
163
00:08:44,837 --> 00:08:46,137
sort of, bring it..
164
00:08:46,233 --> 00:08:50,233
You look lovely.
165
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,440
Come and see your son!
166
00:08:52,441 --> 00:08:55,920
Ooh, I'll pop and get your cuff
links.
167
00:08:55,921 --> 00:08:57,800
Well, well, well.
168
00:08:57,801 --> 00:09:01,801
Just leave me alone. That old suit's
come up pretty well, eh?
169
00:09:03,321 --> 00:09:05,360
Yeah, it's good actually. Yeah.
170
00:09:05,361 --> 00:09:09,361
Oh, we've had some rum old times,
me and this suit.
171
00:09:09,481 --> 00:09:13,481
It's a pity we never really got the
chance to have it cleaned though.
172
00:09:14,881 --> 00:09:16,720
What do you mean? Well,
173
00:09:16,721 --> 00:09:20,721
it hasn't been washed since the
Rotary Club Ball all those years ago
174
00:09:21,001 --> 00:09:24,200
and it saw its
fair share of action that night!
175
00:09:24,201 --> 00:09:26,000
What?
176
00:09:26,001 --> 00:09:29,960
Your mum couldn't wait for us to get
our clothes off. Aah... Literally!
177
00:09:29,961 --> 00:09:33,961
So it was a case of pop
him out and crack on, so to speak.
178
00:09:35,161 --> 00:09:36,680
Yeah, yeah.
179
00:09:36,681 --> 00:09:40,681
Ergh, ergh, ergh, ergh, ergh!
180
00:09:40,801 --> 00:09:44,801
Ergh, ergh, ooh, ooh!
181
00:09:45,321 --> 00:09:47,640
And here's the finishing touch.
182
00:09:47,641 --> 00:09:49,240
Forget it, I'm changing.
183
00:09:49,241 --> 00:09:52,921
What? I'll wear the other one!
184
00:09:59,681 --> 00:10:02,520
It's erm, Dan Davies.
I'm with Ames & Co.
185
00:10:02,521 --> 00:10:04,560
I'll deal with this one.
186
00:10:04,561 --> 00:10:05,680
Oh, no!
187
00:10:05,681 --> 00:10:08,400
Good evening to you too, sir.
Nice hair.
188
00:10:08,401 --> 00:10:11,800
Look, mate, I don't want any
trouble. Tickets, please.
189
00:10:11,801 --> 00:10:15,801
My friend's got them,
she's not here yet. Oh, dear.
190
00:10:15,841 --> 00:10:18,880
And it's a little bit chilly
tonight, isn't it?
191
00:10:18,881 --> 00:10:22,881
Look, I'm going in.
Well, you can fucking try!
192
00:10:37,641 --> 00:10:38,960
Oh!
193
00:10:38,961 --> 00:10:41,160
What a surprise!
194
00:10:41,161 --> 00:10:44,000
Come to have a little look,
have yer?
195
00:10:44,001 --> 00:10:45,120
No, I was just...
196
00:10:45,121 --> 00:10:49,121
Well, I haven't got my mum's pants
on, I'm afraid.
197
00:10:49,521 --> 00:10:50,720
Look, please, mate...
198
00:10:50,721 --> 00:10:54,600
I bet you've got a lovely lacy pair
under there though, haven't you?
199
00:10:54,601 --> 00:10:57,200
You cross dressing pervert!
200
00:10:57,201 --> 00:10:59,680
Nice little bra under that shirt,
is there?
201
00:10:59,681 --> 00:11:03,160
No, it's a bandage. I got...
202
00:11:03,161 --> 00:11:07,161
I got bit by a horse.
203
00:11:08,561 --> 00:11:12,561
I'm watching you, you twisted fuck!
204
00:11:23,121 --> 00:11:25,760
Evening.
205
00:11:25,761 --> 00:11:27,960
Hello.
206
00:11:27,961 --> 00:11:30,960
You waiting for someone?
207
00:11:30,961 --> 00:11:34,200
Yes, my date.
208
00:11:34,201 --> 00:11:36,320
Oh, right, what does she look like?
209
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:37,840
You won't miss her.
210
00:11:37,841 --> 00:11:41,841
She'll have the most ridiculous
outfit in the room on.
211
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:44,920
Maybe she's made more of an effort
than you realise.
212
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:47,960
Sorry, what?
213
00:11:47,961 --> 00:11:50,680
Surprise!
214
00:11:50,681 --> 00:11:53,880
Oh, my God!
215
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,080
Jo, what the fuck? Nailed it!
216
00:11:56,081 --> 00:11:58,920
You said you didn't want Naomi to
recognise who you were here with.
217
00:11:58,921 --> 00:12:01,520
Slam dunk! So you've dressed
as a man?!
218
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,040
It's amazing, isn't it?
219
00:12:03,041 --> 00:12:05,880
I had it all left over from
when I was a private detective.
220
00:12:05,881 --> 00:12:09,881
I wanted Naomi to think I had
a date! Yeah! And now you have.
221
00:12:09,961 --> 00:12:12,280
Why would I want her to
think I'm gay?!
222
00:12:12,281 --> 00:12:15,000
And if I was gay why would
I be going out with this?! Oh.
223
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:18,880
This is the most frightening thing you've ever done!
I do feel a bit silly now actually.
224
00:12:18,881 --> 00:12:22,480
Oh, my God! Look at... It's a bit tight,
it's all I could get in the charity shop!
225
00:12:22,481 --> 00:12:25,480
Well, I'm not letting Naomi see me,
226
00:12:25,481 --> 00:12:28,280
seeing US, like this!
I'm going home. Dan!
227
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,040
Oh, Christ!
228
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:32,800
Hi! I thought I might find you here.
229
00:12:32,801 --> 00:12:36,801
Here I am. Oh, y-your hair. Yes.
230
00:12:37,001 --> 00:12:39,600
Oh, well, I-i-it doesn't really
show.
231
00:12:39,601 --> 00:12:42,120
It shows. Oh, no, it d-doesn't.
232
00:12:42,121 --> 00:12:46,121
It shows! Er, I'm sorry I didn't
introduce myself, I'm Naomi.
233
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:51,800
Hi, Naomi, my name's Damon.
234
00:12:51,801 --> 00:12:53,760
And how do you know Dan?
235
00:12:53,761 --> 00:12:57,761
We met in Ireland.
Apparently. We did so.
236
00:12:59,521 --> 00:13:02,320
We were just in Ireland,
having the craic over there,
237
00:13:02,321 --> 00:13:04,400
and, and now I'm just over here.
238
00:13:04,401 --> 00:13:07,840
Sort of, Dan's date?
That's right, yeah. Huh! No.
239
00:13:07,841 --> 00:13:11,760
We're, erm, we're business partners,
we've started a business together.
240
00:13:11,761 --> 00:13:15,761
That's why we've come here. Great!
Finally getting out of teaching.
241
00:13:16,001 --> 00:13:20,001
Hopefully next year, win awards
myself. Oh, that's great, Dan.
242
00:13:21,961 --> 00:13:25,961
So what's the business?
243
00:13:26,281 --> 00:13:30,281
What? Wh-Wh-What business are you
starting?
244
00:13:31,161 --> 00:13:33,880
It's erm...
245
00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:36,520
Dog corks.
246
00:13:36,521 --> 00:13:40,521
Dog... corks? Yes. Dog corks.
247
00:13:42,361 --> 00:13:43,960
It's what...?
248
00:13:43,961 --> 00:13:47,961
Wh... They're, they're like corks?
For dogs, yeah. And what do they...?
249
00:13:49,281 --> 00:13:52,040
The truth is Naomi, no-one
like to see dog mess on the streets,
250
00:13:52,041 --> 00:13:56,041
so me and er, your man here, what
we plan to do is, er, cork them all.
251
00:13:57,361 --> 00:13:59,920
Oh. Yeah.
252
00:13:59,921 --> 00:14:03,921
Oh, my God, but surely...?
Yes.
253
00:14:04,201 --> 00:14:08,201
You would think that palming
a cork into a dog's arse to stop
254
00:14:08,601 --> 00:14:12,160
it from shitting would be both cruel
and dangerous for the dog,
255
00:14:12,161 --> 00:14:15,440
but in fact, no,
it turns out it's perfectly safe.
256
00:14:15,441 --> 00:14:19,441
And, against all odds,
a viable business! Right.
257
00:14:21,321 --> 00:14:25,321
Dan, you're bleeding. Yeah.
A horse bit my tit!
258
00:14:25,481 --> 00:14:27,760
Excuse me, sweetheart,
have you got a minute?
259
00:14:27,761 --> 00:14:31,761
I want to introduce you to erm...
Erm... Oh, I'm so sorry. Hi, guys.
260
00:14:32,161 --> 00:14:36,161
Dan, Damon, this is Ben, er,
my, well, my boyfriend. Boyfriend.
261
00:14:37,281 --> 00:14:41,281
It's so nice to actually meet you.
I have heard SO much about you.
262
00:14:41,761 --> 00:14:45,761
Oh, good! Sorry, you are? He's Damon,
263
00:14:47,521 --> 00:14:51,521
he's from Ireland. Ah, your date?
264
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:57,360
No! He's my business partner.
265
00:14:57,361 --> 00:15:01,361
We're going to be sticking corks into
dogs' arses for a living.
266
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:05,801
Unless, of course, I bleed to
death from this horse bite!
267
00:15:05,841 --> 00:15:09,841
Nice to meet you, Ben. Come on,
Damon!
268
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:15,720
Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats for the 2013
269
00:15:15,721 --> 00:15:18,680
West Regional Small Business
of the Year Awards.
270
00:15:18,681 --> 00:15:21,640
And please welcome your host,
you'll know him from local weather
271
00:15:21,641 --> 00:15:25,521
reports from right
across the county, Mike Bradley!
272
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:32,840
Thank you, thank you. Who's this
twat? Absolutely lovely to be here.
273
00:15:32,841 --> 00:15:35,120
Don't you watch the local news?
274
00:15:35,121 --> 00:15:38,920
This is the weather man... There's
snow business like a small business!
275
00:15:38,921 --> 00:15:41,880
He's a weather bell end. Please!
276
00:15:41,881 --> 00:15:44,520
Just a little joke there,
just lightning the mood!
277
00:15:44,521 --> 00:15:47,520
And calm down on the cider. What?
On a serious note.
278
00:15:47,521 --> 00:15:50,921
Can I just say what a lovely
chocolate fountain.
279
00:15:58,201 --> 00:16:01,480
Winner of The Best Butcher Award
is...
280
00:16:01,481 --> 00:16:03,561
Big Dave Bowers!
281
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:11,320
What's he throwing?
282
00:16:11,321 --> 00:16:14,400
It's bacon!
283
00:16:14,401 --> 00:16:18,001
Next up, the award for Best
Hairdresser.
284
00:16:24,041 --> 00:16:28,041
And the winner of the Best Service
Award goes to...
285
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,401
Bob's Cafe!
286
00:16:37,521 --> 00:16:41,521
I'll get Bob
if you're going to muck about.
287
00:16:46,041 --> 00:16:49,760
And now it's time for a very special
award, the Financial Services Award.
288
00:16:49,761 --> 00:16:53,000
Is this you, Brian? And to read
the nominations I'd like you all to welcome
289
00:16:53,001 --> 00:16:55,121
the sponsor of tonight's event,
Ben Bradgate.
290
00:16:57,081 --> 00:17:00,520
Oh, God, this is it!
291
00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:04,521
OK, guys.
And the nominees are...
292
00:17:04,681 --> 00:17:06,721
Paul Johnson Financial Solutions.
293
00:17:09,401 --> 00:17:11,881
Tony Gibson Accountancy.
294
00:17:16,081 --> 00:17:18,680
And Brian Ames & Co.
295
00:17:18,681 --> 00:17:21,760
Whoo!
Ooh, ah, ah, beef! Beef!
296
00:17:21,761 --> 00:17:25,761
Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! And the
winner is...
297
00:17:26,521 --> 00:17:27,560
Tony Gibson.
298
00:17:27,561 --> 00:17:31,561
No way!
299
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:34,120
You don't understand.
300
00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:38,121
No, I'm sorry, I'm
not having this. No. Stop! Stop! No!
301
00:17:39,361 --> 00:17:41,840
Oh, my God! He's doing a Kanye!
302
00:17:41,841 --> 00:17:45,841
I don't want to do this, really,
guys, but I'm so sorry.
303
00:17:46,801 --> 00:17:50,640
Some things have
gotta be said, right?
304
00:17:50,641 --> 00:17:52,360
I'm so...
305
00:17:52,361 --> 00:17:56,361
I'm so sorry about this, but I...
306
00:17:57,701 --> 00:17:59,380
Listen, guys, I know he hasn't won,
307
00:17:59,381 --> 00:18:01,980
but I want to say a few
words about Brian Ames.
308
00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:05,980
I think he's the best financial
advisor in the whole world.
309
00:18:05,981 --> 00:18:08,540
This is just one more award ceremony
and he hasn't won it,
310
00:18:08,541 --> 00:18:11,460
and I respect the judges,
I respect the judges!
311
00:18:11,461 --> 00:18:13,700
But as far as financial advice
goes,
312
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:16,060
you're not going to get a
better guy
313
00:18:16,061 --> 00:18:19,620
than the guy who's sitting over in
that corner right now. I can tell you that,
314
00:18:19,621 --> 00:18:23,500
you've got my cast iron
guarantee on that right now. OK?
315
00:18:23,501 --> 00:18:27,501
I don't know who Tony fucking Gibson
is! Good luck to him!
316
00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:33,341
I'm sure he can handle a fucking
calculator as well as most men, but
317
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:38,381
you want to tell me that Brian Ames
can't do it better, you're WRONG!
318
00:18:39,181 --> 00:18:42,860
And I'm sorry to
raise my voice, guys.
319
00:18:42,861 --> 00:18:46,140
You don't need to
be a genius to work out that this is
320
00:18:46,141 --> 00:18:49,660
a quality event. Have a
look at the chocolate fountain.
321
00:18:49,661 --> 00:18:52,740
But on this occasion,
when it comes to financial services,
322
00:18:52,741 --> 00:18:55,660
we got it wrong!
323
00:18:55,661 --> 00:18:59,661
You got it wrong, I got it wrong!
324
00:19:02,941 --> 00:19:06,941
And guys, let's kept this award
ceremony for us, can we?
325
00:19:07,221 --> 00:19:11,221
Can we keep this special award
ceremony REAL and FRESH
326
00:19:13,581 --> 00:19:15,740
and for the people of this town?
327
00:19:15,741 --> 00:19:19,220
God, I hope so!
Look after each other, all right?
328
00:19:19,221 --> 00:19:20,981
We're a community here.
329
00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:28,621
Peace. All right.
Naomi, I love you!
330
00:19:32,101 --> 00:19:36,101
Slip, slide!
331
00:19:39,781 --> 00:19:43,781
Erm, well, thanks for that.
332
00:19:44,021 --> 00:19:48,021
As most of you will know,
Tony Gibson passed away last week
333
00:19:50,261 --> 00:19:54,261
after a long battle with illness,
but his widow, Sandra,
334
00:19:55,461 --> 00:19:59,461
and his daughter, Louise, are here
to collect his posthumous award.
335
00:20:13,461 --> 00:20:15,821
My daddy was a hero.
336
00:20:29,901 --> 00:20:32,500
It was very sweet of you, Dan.
337
00:20:32,501 --> 00:20:36,501
Misguided, embarrassing, I mean ball
clenchingly embarrassing,
338
00:20:37,461 --> 00:20:41,461
but very sweet.
339
00:20:42,821 --> 00:20:46,821
Let's get some drinks. No need,
me and Barbara have sorted it.
340
00:20:49,061 --> 00:20:50,980
Come on, Dan!
341
00:20:50,981 --> 00:20:54,981
Dan! Get a chocolate 'tache!
342
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:58,541
Where's that chocolate fountain?
Beef!
343
00:21:07,501 --> 00:21:11,501
That table doesn't look like much
fun to me.
344
00:21:12,821 --> 00:21:15,620
Barbara, you spoke!
345
00:21:15,621 --> 00:21:19,020
Yes, I said that table over there
346
00:21:19,021 --> 00:21:22,900
doesn't look like much fun, does it?
347
00:21:22,901 --> 00:21:26,901
I'm glad we're on this table,
aren't you? Yeah!
348
00:21:28,661 --> 00:21:31,620
I think I might be!
349
00:21:31,621 --> 00:21:35,621
I've always hated the slow dances,
I never get asked.
350
00:21:36,341 --> 00:21:40,341
I'll take you for a slow dance, Jo.
Wicked!
351
00:22:03,541 --> 00:22:06,980
I've had a right laugh tonight,
haven't you?
352
00:22:06,981 --> 00:22:10,780
Yeah, yeah, I have, Damon.
353
00:22:10,781 --> 00:22:14,781
I'll tell you what, this bra is
ACTUALLY killing me. Uh-huh.
354
00:22:17,981 --> 00:22:20,700
What a surprise.
355
00:22:20,701 --> 00:22:22,821
Aaaaaaargh!
356
00:22:34,461 --> 00:22:36,341
Aaaaaaargh!
357
00:22:50,821 --> 00:22:54,821
Aaaaaaargh!
358
00:22:55,901 --> 00:22:59,901
Oi! Everyone just calm down!
359
00:23:11,461 --> 00:23:13,741
HEY!
360
00:23:15,941 --> 00:23:17,641
I'm the sponsor!
361
00:23:17,918 --> 00:23:25,918
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362
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