All language subtitles for Louie s01e02 Poker & Divorce.eng

I have running water
in a toilet--

( men laughing )

Some guy to
"Chang, Chang."

I seduced a harp player.

( man ) A harp player?
A harp player.

He goes, "She's young, cute."

He goes, "Oh,
she doesn't work here."

( men laughing )

Waitresses there hate

me since then.

Is that bad?

I said to her,

"You're my sister, and I want to
do open mics."

( man ) Yes, honest to God.

( man )
Behind a Dunkin' Donuts?

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, sorry.

Deal!
All right.

All right, two gets a nine,
that's flushing.

Queen gets a Jack.

Wait, is this high-low?
Yes, it's high-low.

You know what you can do
with this seven?

Shove it straight up
your mother's shit maker.

( man ) I don't think
it'll fit there.

Her ass is so crammed
with all the dicks

she finds behind
the bus station.

That doesn't even make
any sense.

See, what Nick is saying

is that your mother goes
to the bus station

and she gets, like, old,
thrown-away penises there.

Like, out back,
where they keep those.

Like in a bin.

She does this so much,
her ass is just crammed.

Your mom really does that?

I don't know,
I don't talk to her every day.

( Louie ) Let me finish.

She just crams 'em into there

and uses one of those
coffee tampers, you know?

For espresso machines?

You know, I got it earlier,
but now I--

Wait a minute,
I'm not finished.

And she just shoves 'em
in there, just--

It's just compressed.

It's like she's almost crushing
dicks into like a dick diamond,

like a pink diamond.

And so, you know,
try to get a card in there.

Okay, that does make sense.

What's that feel like, anyways?
What?

A dick in the ass.

You're asking me
because I'm gay?

No, I'm asking you
'cause you're very learned.

Yeah, I'm asking you 'cause
you're the only gay person here.

Are you interested for any
particular reason?

You need a breath mint,
my friend.

Hey, Rick.

Is it true there's a gay club
in the city called "Jerks"

where gay guys
just stand around all day

and play with each
other's dicks?

Yeah, City Jerks.
Oh, my God.

What is wrong with you people?

Wait, there's really
a club like that?

It's not a club, per Se,
it's like a floating party.

It meets in different
locations every week

And what goes on there?

Jesus, do we need to hear this?

Why don't you just shut up
and learn something?

Hey, why don't you shut up?

Nice one.
Don't want to.

City Jerks is a gathering,
sometimes in a hotel room,

sometimes at a club and,
you know, different places.

And it started, basically,
when AIDS did.

They wanted to have a
club where guys could have,

like a group sexual outlet,
but still play safe.

You know, so at this--

You know, at these meetings,
they get together,

some guys go one-on-one,
some guys go in a huddle.

Like do what, what goes on?

You masturbate each other.
Oh, Jesus.

I thought masturbation
meant only one person.

So you just stand around
in a room

and you jerk each other off?

Yeah, that's why they
call it "City Jerks."

Well, you could just watch--
a lot of guys like to watch

while another guy
pleasures himself.

Stop--
stop telling this!

I'm gonna puke.

Is there a lesser charge for
watching, like standing room?

( Rick ) No, no, no.

Like auditing a class?
No, because you're never--

( laughing )

What's a "huddle"?

You said "huddle," what's that?

It's a huddle, where you
huddle together in a group

and everybody reaches in and
you kind of help yourself.

To cocks and balls.
Sure.

Oh, my God, what--

What are they in,

Jesus Christ,
what are you people thinking?

Out of the huddle?

Like, "You jerk him,
you jerk him.

Break."

( man ) "Break!"
( man ) On two!

( man ) On two.

What do you do if you're there
and somebody recognizes you?

Say hi.

( men laughing )

Well, you'll be pleased to know,
everybody's naked,

except for shoes and socks.

Really?
Why the shoes and socks?

Well, after awhile,
the floor is full of--

All right!

I get it!

Christ!

That much ( blank ), you
gotta put on some shoes?

Like high-- like Timberlands,
you need some big shoes?

No, just regular shoes
with a rubber sole.

Sure-- something stylish,
though, still?

Florsheim has some stuff,
you know.

Snowshoes or something--

Flippers. Flip-flops.

Flip-flops.

Mud cleats.

That's another club.

( men laughing )

That's one of Jim's clubs.

( Nick ) Mud cleats.

You know, I know it's
a free country, Rick,

and I don't care
what you guys do, but...

Thanks, Nick.

Next time I'm about to go down
on a big juicy cock,

I'll remember,
it's all right with you.

You should have that stamped
on the head of the cock.

( man )
"Nick-approved."

( man ) Nick's face.
"Nick-approved."

Like I said, I don't care
and God bless you.

But I gotta be honest.

What you guys do,
it really makes me sick.

And not on a political
Bible level, either.

I mean, just picturing you
touch another guy's dick,

that's gross.

Is that how you feel
about what we do?

What, sex with women?

Yeah, do you get grossed out
thinking about pussy?

I don't think about pussy.

I don't care what you guys do.

You're the ones who asked me.

And you guys ask me this
shit every time I'm here.

Really, I talk about gay sex
more with you guys

than I do with
any of my gay friends.

You guys are obsessed.

Well, I'm curious-- I don't
know that I'm obsessed.

Really?

You, who says "faggot" onstage
more than you say "hello"?

"Hello"?

Who says "hello"
more than once onstage?

( man ) Who says "hello"
onstage at all?

Yeah, hello?

I mean in life,
in life, he says--

More than he says it in life.

Rick, does it offend you
when I say that word?

What word, "hello"?
No, "faggot."

Yeah, does it bother you when
he says the word "faggot"?

No, it bothers me when
you say it,

'cause you mean it.

Yeah, but really, it's like,
as a comedian and a gay guy,

you're the only gay comic
I know.

Do you think I shouldn't be
using that word onstage?

I think you should use
whatever word you want.

When you use it onstage,

I can see it's funny
and I don't care.

But are you interested to know
what it might mean to gay men?

Yeah, I am interested.

Well, the word "faggot" really
means a bundle of sticks

used for kindling in a fire.

Now, in the Middle Ages,

when they used to burn people
they thought were witches,

they used to burn
homosexuals, too.

And they used to burn
the witches at a stake,

but they thought the homosexuals
were too low and disgusting

to be given a stake
to be burned on,

so they used to just throw them
in with the kindling,

with the other "faggots."

So that's how you get
"flaming faggot."

So what you're saying
is gay people

are a good
alternative-fuel source?

That's where they get
the term "diesel Dyke."

I'm sorry, go ahead.

You might want to know that
every gay man in America

has probably had that
word shouted at them

when they're being beaten up,

sometimes many times,

sometimes by a lot of people
all at once.

So when you say it,

it kind of brings that
all back up.

But, you know, by all means,
use it, get your laughs,

but, you know,
now you know what it means.

Okay, thanks, faggot,
we'll keep that in mind.

( all laughing )

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪

♪ Louie, Louie Louie Louaaa ♪

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

( Louie ) Getting
divorced is like a--

It's like stepping out
of a time machine.

That's what it's like.

I got married when I was 28,
divorced when I was 42.

Somebody please tell me
how long that is.

( woman ) 14 years.

Thank you--
that's my wife.

I was married when I was 28,
I got divorced when I was 42,

so I was married for 14 years.

And so getting divorced is like
stepping out of a time machine

that traveled you 14 years,

but it's a really shitty
time machine.

It's the kind of time machine

where it takes
the real amount of time

to take you to the future.

It's basically just a--

Like, if a time machine
was a box

that you get in
and sit in it for two years

and then it's two years later.

That's really what marriage is.

Well, that's it.

You're divorced.

Dude, you're divorced.

That's just weird.

Well, it's not that weird,
you know?

I look at it positively.

It's change--
change happens.

It's weird.

It's just really weird
that you're divorced.

That's not the greatest thing
to keep saying to me right now.

I'm just saying, you know.

You've always been this guy,
Mr. Married,

with the wife,
you had the kids,

and now you got nothing.

Nothing.

I don't have nothing.

I got my kids,
we're sharing custody.

They're with me for
half of every week.

Yeah, but still,
you lost your kids.

Okay, you're just gonna keep
saying what you're saying.

I'm just saying,
I'm worried about you, bro.

I don't want you
to kill yourself.

Jesus, Bobby,
I'm not gonna kill myself.

I'm just saying,

your life looks
pretty bleak, okay?

I'm upset, I'm upset.

Could you shut up?

You know, I don't feel
negative about this

and you're trying to make me
feel negative about it.

I'm not talking
about how you feel.

I'm saying I'm upset.

I mean, I have feelings, too.

I'm your brother and I'm upset.

I get it, okay?

You know, I'm trying to see
the positive in this thing.

I'm-- I'm single now,
I can be with anybody I want.

You know what's really sad?

What?

What's sad is that you're too
old to get anybody else.

You signed a paper
that guarantees

you're gonna die alone

in a room with
a thin blanket over you

and the nurse comes in and
just shuts the machine off.

Dude!

Picture that.

Now, also, I'm 42.

So I'm getting--
I'm really on the decline.

There's never gonna be another
year of my life

that was better
than the year before.

That's never gonna
happen again!

I've seen my best years.

And not only-- I thought,
"Okay, now, I'm gonna start

seeing it kinda, like,
go up like this."

Then I thought,
"You're gonna start--"

No, it's exponential.

The loss of ability,
agility and breath

is exponential.

Last year, I lost 90%

of my health
and well-being.

So I had-- I had 10% of what
I did the year before.

Now, this year,
I've lost 90% of that 10%,

so now I have 10--

You get-- you don't understand
what "exponential" means.

So...

Oh, my God, nightmare.

( chuckling )

Tammy.

Tammy Wickilinis.

( bell ringing )

What are you looking at?

Uh, nothing.

You're funny-looking.

No, sir.

You look just normal.

Hey.

You wanna see something?

Uh, sure.
Come over here.

What's that?

It was my dad's
at the hospital.

He had a car accident.

He died.

Some creepy shit, right?

You're holding that.

My dead dad wore that.

Friggin' creepy, right?

You want to keep it?

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

You want a shot?

Uh, no.

Come on!

It's only Peppermint schnapps.

No.

Okay, so I'll see you later.

Okay.
Hey!

What are you, stupid?

What?
Do you like me?

Do you like me,
like, as a girl?

Uh...

Okay, so, whip it out.

What ? Come on,
whip it out.

( clattering )

Tammy.

Oh, my God, you showed up.

Yeah, hi.

Hey.

Well, come in.

You still want
to come in, right?

Yeah, sure, of course.

So do you remember me much?

Nope.

To be honest, no.

But you remembered me.

Obviously, you looked me up.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

So what do you remember?

Uh...

What?

Just nothing.

We had a moment.

You and me had,
like a--

like a moment.

And it kind of stuck with me.

Really?

What?

Nothing, just--

Whip it out.

Something you said
to me that--

It just kind of, it just--

Come on, whip it out.

You know, when you're kids.

Like, we were kids, so--

We ain't kids no more, huh?

Nope.

I used to be a pretty hot

little shit back then,
wasn't I?

Yep.
Not anymore.

Well, don't say that,
I mean--

No, that's all right,
nobody stays like that.

I'm 42, I got three kids,
husband.

And here I am.

What about you?

Well, I got married
and I got two girls.

Nice.
Yeah.

I'm divorced now.

Oh, that's why you're
Facebooking.

Playing "could have been."

Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah.

Well.

Yeah, thanks for stopping by.

Okay.

It was good to see you.
Yeah.

Bye, Tammy.

What did I say to you?

What?

You said I said something
that stuck out.

What'd I say?

Well, you told me to--

You-- you said,
"whip it out."

Really?
Yeah.

Wow.

Did you?

No.

I didn't have the guts.

Hmm, well.

So, whip it out.

Come on, whip it out.

Just whip it out.

( Louie ) If nobody ever told
me not to ( bleep ) animals...

If no one...

If no one ever said, "You should
not have sex with animals,"

I would totally have sex
with animals all of the time.

The only reason I don't have sex
with animals

is 'cause I'm not supposed to
and somebody told it to me.

I would totally have sex
with most monkeys, probably.

Why not?

No, you know what,
I wouldn't, for one reason.

'Cause I think it would
be rape.

I don't think any animal is
attracted to any human being.

I don't think it's morally
wrong, I really don't,

except for that I don't
think the animal's into it.

If you can get an animal horny,
go ahead, man.

Go ahead and (beep ) it.

If you can--

If you can finger a monkey
and the monkey's like,

"Ooh..."

Get in there, man,
you earned it.

You earned it.

I really think
if there was--

If I was alone on the Earth,

if I found myself alone on
planet Earth,

no other humans,

I would have sex with a monkey
in, like, two minutes.

Two minutes.

That's really not long enough
to be sure you're alone

on the Earth, even.

That's-- that's,
like, getting a little--

I walk outside, it's-- there's
not much traffic.

"Oh, my God, it's just me!

"I'm gonna have sex
with a monkey right now.

Oh, no, that's a person."

Is it bad to brush your teeth
after you suck a guy's dick?

Because then it causes blood

and you can actually
catch AIDS that way?

Is it better just
to not do anything?

That's actually
a legitimate question.

( man ) That is legitimate, I
know it's a good question.

( Nick ) I want to know why
you're bringing it up here!

Because the pulp
from your teeth--

What are you doing that you
gotta ask that?

You guys think
it might be funny,

but I think about that
all the time.

What are you-- is there
cock meat all over your mirror

in the bathroom after
you floss?

No, I have a good imagination.

I can visualize it.

I don't need the meat to
actually be on the Mir

I mean, it...

I thought you meant cock meat
'cause you're flossing your--

That's what I meant,
that's what I mean!

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0