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1
00:00:04,249 --> 00:00:06,195
[cell phone rings]
2
00:00:06,262 --> 00:00:08,830
Hey, Olly, what's up with this marquee?
3
00:00:09,299 --> 00:00:10,599
Where are you?
4
00:00:10,666 --> 00:00:12,367
All right, don't move.
5
00:00:16,538 --> 00:00:19,574
What the hell is Tiddlypie doing
on the marquee for my show?
6
00:00:19,641 --> 00:00:20,841
Hi.
7
00:00:20,908 --> 00:00:23,144
And welcome to fabulous Las Vegas.
8
00:00:23,211 --> 00:00:24,847
Tiddlypie was just a stopgap measure.
9
00:00:24,914 --> 00:00:26,949
It's a temporary solution
to a situation.
10
00:00:27,016 --> 00:00:28,617
Okay, what are you babbling about?
11
00:00:28,684 --> 00:00:31,167
Did one of your apps finally tell
you how to destroy my bookings?
12
00:00:31,177 --> 00:00:33,422
Hello, I'm your manager.
Have we not met?
13
00:00:33,488 --> 00:00:35,623
This is my job. I'm trying
to keep things afloat
14
00:00:35,633 --> 00:00:37,458
while you go off and pull another Lopez.
15
00:00:37,526 --> 00:00:40,295
- A Lopez, what's that?
- She means "go off the rails."
16
00:00:40,305 --> 00:00:43,197
You know, jefe, when you get
under the influence and go off?
17
00:00:43,264 --> 00:00:44,901
Okay, that hasn't happened in years.
18
00:00:44,967 --> 00:00:47,828
Okay, well, it just happened.
Do you know I have a backup booked
19
00:00:47,895 --> 00:00:50,236
for every single show that you do?
And it's a good thing I do too.
20
00:00:50,246 --> 00:00:51,804
Tiddlypie just happened
to be the backup for this gig,
21
00:00:51,870 --> 00:00:53,382
- and he killed it.
- Yeah, George.
22
00:00:53,392 --> 00:00:54,607
He wasn't on for very long,
but he killed it.
23
00:00:54,675 --> 00:00:56,043
Enough Tiddlypie, damn it!
24
00:00:56,108 --> 00:00:57,609
Look, I think we've all
just leaned in here.
25
00:00:57,677 --> 00:00:58,945
Tensions are running hot.
26
00:00:59,011 --> 00:01:00,312
Maybe we just pivot out of this and...
27
00:01:00,380 --> 00:01:01,648
Oh, and what, get some goddamn traction?
28
00:01:01,713 --> 00:01:02,849
If we're lucky.
29
00:01:02,915 --> 00:01:04,250
Do you realize your little bender
30
00:01:04,317 --> 00:01:06,018
put this entire residency show in play?
31
00:01:06,085 --> 00:01:07,421
Oh, so this is my fault?
32
00:01:07,487 --> 00:01:09,407
And it wasn't a bender, all right?
33
00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:12,258
It was a beautiful thing.
You guys wouldn't understand.
34
00:01:12,324 --> 00:01:13,993
I was in the desert
drinking cough syrup.
35
00:01:14,061 --> 00:01:15,696
They call it Tussin.
Man, we're out there,
36
00:01:15,763 --> 00:01:18,064
kinda looking for change
and metal artifacts.
37
00:01:18,130 --> 00:01:19,331
Help me, help me.
38
00:01:19,398 --> 00:01:20,599
I found a fork in the middle of nowhere.
39
00:01:20,609 --> 00:01:21,934
George, baby, we have a meeting
40
00:01:22,002 --> 00:01:23,871
with the promoters in 20 minutes,
41
00:01:23,936 --> 00:01:26,105
and I don't want to say
that they've moved off of you,
42
00:01:26,171 --> 00:01:28,407
but they love Tiddlypie.
43
00:01:28,475 --> 00:01:29,776
Screw him.
44
00:01:29,843 --> 00:01:32,177
Listen up, we just need to show them
45
00:01:32,245 --> 00:01:34,281
that you are all-in, okay?
46
00:01:34,872 --> 00:01:37,416
Okay, you know what? We don't
need to show them anything,
47
00:01:37,484 --> 00:01:39,419
because there is no more "we."
48
00:01:39,486 --> 00:01:41,687
You're fired.
49
00:01:41,755 --> 00:01:43,890
Okay, so pick a phone,
and whichever one you pick,
50
00:01:43,957 --> 00:01:45,657
call Danny and tell him he's fired too.
51
00:01:45,725 --> 00:01:46,960
Okay.
52
00:01:47,026 --> 00:01:48,294
I don't know about firing Danny, George.
53
00:01:48,362 --> 00:01:49,830
Okay, you know what, you're fired too.
54
00:01:49,895 --> 00:01:51,163
Oh, I don't actually
technically work for you.
55
00:01:51,230 --> 00:01:52,466
My contract is with...
56
00:01:52,532 --> 00:01:55,001
Okay, then just get
the hell out of here.
57
00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:57,269
Jefe, you don't want to make
decisions when you're upset.
58
00:01:57,336 --> 00:01:58,671
Yeah, you know what, Manolo?
59
00:01:58,737 --> 00:02:00,354
I do want to make decisions
when I'm upset.
60
00:02:00,364 --> 00:02:01,832
And you know what? You're fired too.
61
00:02:01,898 --> 00:02:03,501
Because if you hadn't been on parole,
62
00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:05,635
you would have driven me to
Vegas like you were supposed to,
63
00:02:05,703 --> 00:02:06,836
and none of this would have happened.
64
00:02:06,903 --> 00:02:08,138
But it was not my fault.
65
00:02:07,763 --> 00:02:09,131
I have a felony conviction for robbery.
66
00:02:09,141 --> 00:02:10,300
Yeah, it's not your fault.
67
00:02:10,365 --> 00:02:11,900
You were in a getaway car, okay?
68
00:02:11,967 --> 00:02:13,768
Even if you were on your way to Vallarta
69
00:02:13,835 --> 00:02:17,205
to get pan dulce for your mom.
70
00:02:17,273 --> 00:02:18,473
Get out of here, man. Go.
71
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,810
Go get in line for Thunder Down Under.
72
00:02:22,779 --> 00:02:24,145
I guess I'm next.
73
00:02:24,212 --> 00:02:25,680
Well, you haven't done
anything yet, all right?
74
00:02:25,747 --> 00:02:28,050
So I'll keep you posted.
75
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,688
Gamble.
76
00:02:31,753 --> 00:02:33,592
[upbeat Latin music]
77
00:02:33,602 --> 00:02:36,692
Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~
78
00:02:37,471 --> 00:02:40,312
Mr. Lopez, I have to admit,
you gave us quite a scare.
79
00:02:40,379 --> 00:02:43,416
- I wasn't scared.
- I was scared until Tiddlypie showed up.
80
00:02:43,426 --> 00:02:44,593
Pang!
81
00:02:44,660 --> 00:02:45,763
What's up with the arm?
82
00:02:45,829 --> 00:02:47,230
Oh, it's a rounder. Cricket.
83
00:02:47,296 --> 00:02:48,998
Yeah, I was just saying
he hit it out of the park.
84
00:02:49,065 --> 00:02:50,666
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm glad Tiddlypie
85
00:02:50,734 --> 00:02:52,102
was able to keep my seat warm.
86
00:02:52,169 --> 00:02:54,404
Yeah, my team totally dropped the ball.
87
00:02:54,472 --> 00:02:55,972
Well, we're here now.
88
00:02:56,039 --> 00:02:57,207
I want you to know
that I'm totally committed
89
00:02:57,273 --> 00:02:58,741
to The Flamingo.
I mean, I love this place.
90
00:02:58,808 --> 00:03:00,377
Look, it's like classic Las Vegas.
91
00:03:00,444 --> 00:03:01,945
Yes, it is.
92
00:03:02,011 --> 00:03:04,348
To be clear, we're not
part of the Flamingo Casino.
93
00:03:04,414 --> 00:03:06,349
We're just workshopping
the show in the theater.
94
00:03:06,415 --> 00:03:07,850
Please, have a seat.
95
00:03:07,918 --> 00:03:09,853
Oh, well, if you're not with the casino,
96
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:11,522
then... then who are you?
97
00:03:11,587 --> 00:03:13,189
We're Woodwind and Associates,
98
00:03:13,257 --> 00:03:15,724
an investment group focused on
entertainment opportunities
99
00:03:15,791 --> 00:03:17,693
in venues with legalized gambling.
100
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,096
Vegas, Laughlin, Reno,
101
00:03:19,163 --> 00:03:21,198
Mississippi, Louisiana, Macau.
102
00:03:21,265 --> 00:03:23,901
Our reach is global
and our pockets are deep.
103
00:03:23,967 --> 00:03:25,434
And when we find the right talent,
104
00:03:25,502 --> 00:03:28,706
we get behind them with
our full arsenal of resources.
105
00:03:28,771 --> 00:03:30,372
We think you're the right talent.
106
00:03:30,439 --> 00:03:32,041
Wow, that is impressive,
107
00:03:32,109 --> 00:03:34,811
and I want you guys to know that
I will not let Woodwind down...
108
00:03:34,878 --> 00:03:35,880
Is it "Woodwind"?
109
00:03:35,945 --> 00:03:37,547
- Yeah.
- Yes, like a clarinet.
110
00:03:37,615 --> 00:03:39,950
- Why?
- Oh, nobody knows.
111
00:03:40,016 --> 00:03:42,419
I mean, have you ever tried
to get a name cleared?
112
00:03:42,485 --> 00:03:44,586
But we are very glad
that you're on board.
113
00:03:44,653 --> 00:03:46,990
We've been running models
on every aspect of your career,
114
00:03:47,057 --> 00:03:48,558
and we think this is a good fit.
115
00:03:48,624 --> 00:03:51,829
After intense focus-grouping
at the Planet Hollywood Mall,
116
00:03:51,896 --> 00:03:54,698
we realize that we can
maintain your core audience
117
00:03:54,764 --> 00:03:56,600
of African Americans and Latinos,
118
00:03:56,666 --> 00:03:58,201
while reaching out to...
119
00:03:58,267 --> 00:03:59,336
Whites and Asians.
120
00:03:59,402 --> 00:04:00,503
- Yeah.
- These two.
121
00:04:00,570 --> 00:04:01,838
- Oh.
- Yeah!
122
00:04:01,904 --> 00:04:03,806
[laughter]
123
00:04:03,873 --> 00:04:05,074
Young and old.
124
00:04:05,140 --> 00:04:06,909
- Excuse me?
- Sorry, nothing.
125
00:04:06,977 --> 00:04:10,246
Anyway, George,
you're our perfect storm.
126
00:04:10,313 --> 00:04:11,615
I mean, if you were any more successful,
127
00:04:11,682 --> 00:04:12,816
you wouldn't want to be here.
128
00:04:12,882 --> 00:04:14,084
And if you were any less successful,
129
00:04:14,151 --> 00:04:15,552
we wouldn't want you.
130
00:04:15,619 --> 00:04:17,821
Oh, pang! It's a perfect fit.
131
00:04:17,887 --> 00:04:19,521
You did it again, yeah.
132
00:04:19,588 --> 00:04:20,591
Now, about your show.
133
00:04:20,658 --> 00:04:21,858
Yeah, the show.
134
00:04:21,925 --> 00:04:23,526
You know, the old act...
135
00:04:23,593 --> 00:04:24,927
Oh, yeah, out the window.
136
00:04:24,995 --> 00:04:26,495
We know, but we don't
want the old stuff.
137
00:04:26,562 --> 00:04:27,797
We want a whole new act.
138
00:04:27,865 --> 00:04:29,733
This show has got to be big, George.
139
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:33,304
We've lined up the top
choreographer on The Strip.
140
00:04:33,370 --> 00:04:35,939
- Oh, yeah.
- Lionel Debonet.
141
00:04:36,006 --> 00:04:37,575
He's gonna work with you.
142
00:04:37,641 --> 00:04:39,109
Oh, oh, oh.
143
00:04:39,175 --> 00:04:40,610
I've got something that's
gonna make us feel good.
144
00:04:40,677 --> 00:04:43,346
Darren Jax just signed on
to do our multimedia work.
145
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:44,948
- Darren Jax!
- We got Jax!
146
00:04:45,014 --> 00:04:46,649
- Jax!
- We got Jax!
147
00:04:46,716 --> 00:04:48,184
[laughter]
148
00:04:48,250 --> 00:04:51,454
Okay, well, choreography
and multimedia, that's...
149
00:04:51,521 --> 00:04:52,855
George, this is Las Vegas.
150
00:04:52,922 --> 00:04:54,891
People expect spectacular.
151
00:04:54,958 --> 00:04:57,194
And a guy standing onstage
holding a microphone,
152
00:04:57,261 --> 00:04:58,962
not spectacular.
153
00:04:59,028 --> 00:04:59,963
Even in Laughlin.
154
00:05:00,028 --> 00:05:01,564
Oh, not even in Poniqua.
155
00:05:01,631 --> 00:05:03,333
Poniqua, where's that?
156
00:05:03,399 --> 00:05:05,468
Oh, it's a new Indian tribe
outside of Fresno.
157
00:05:05,535 --> 00:05:08,338
Okay, well, you know...
Wow, it's a lot to take in.
158
00:05:08,405 --> 00:05:10,006
You know, the multimedia, I don't...
159
00:05:10,072 --> 00:05:11,908
I'm not sure that's what I do.
160
00:05:11,975 --> 00:05:13,910
Well, I'm not too worried about it.
161
00:05:13,976 --> 00:05:15,077
If it's not what you do,
162
00:05:15,144 --> 00:05:16,612
it certainly is what Tiddlypie does.
163
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,182
God, I love that guy! I love him!
164
00:05:18,247 --> 00:05:20,216
- He's so good.
- Yeah, he's funny.
165
00:05:20,283 --> 00:05:23,120
Oh, George, relax. Take it all in.
166
00:05:23,187 --> 00:05:24,521
- Okay.
- In 45 minutes,
167
00:05:24,588 --> 00:05:26,223
Lionel's gonna meet you
in the dance hall.
168
00:05:26,290 --> 00:05:28,959
Oh, and George,
we've lined up a great writer.
169
00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:30,659
He's gonna pull it all together for you.
170
00:05:30,726 --> 00:05:32,962
- Yeah.
- A writer?
171
00:05:40,771 --> 00:05:44,108
[Female PA announcer
speaking native language]
172
00:05:54,951 --> 00:05:57,087
[machines beeping and chiming]
173
00:06:00,355 --> 00:06:03,059
Not sure how I feel
about the direction of things.
174
00:06:03,127 --> 00:06:04,961
George, you got to take
a page from my book.
175
00:06:05,028 --> 00:06:06,663
Wait a minute, you got a book deal?
176
00:06:06,730 --> 00:06:09,967
Yeah, I self-published
because I believe in my product.
177
00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:11,100
I doubled down.
178
00:06:11,168 --> 00:06:12,668
Hey, George Lopez.
179
00:06:12,735 --> 00:06:14,103
Hey, Josh. What are you doing, man?
180
00:06:14,170 --> 00:06:15,773
- Hey.
- I remember Josh.
181
00:06:15,838 --> 00:06:16,872
The joke accountant.
182
00:06:16,939 --> 00:06:18,207
What are you doing in Vegas?
183
00:06:18,274 --> 00:06:19,609
Well, technically I'm here to make sure
184
00:06:19,677 --> 00:06:21,211
you're not using any
of the contested material
185
00:06:21,276 --> 00:06:22,878
in your act, but last night I only saw
186
00:06:22,946 --> 00:06:24,615
that Tiddlypie wasn't
using the material.
187
00:06:24,682 --> 00:06:25,648
Where were you?
188
00:06:25,714 --> 00:06:26,649
Yeah, where were you?
189
00:06:26,716 --> 00:06:28,151
It's a long story.
190
00:06:28,218 --> 00:06:29,652
I had a little car trouble
coming into Las Vegas.
191
00:06:29,718 --> 00:06:30,954
You know I wouldn't use
any of that material.
192
00:06:31,021 --> 00:06:32,222
I know, George.
193
00:06:32,288 --> 00:06:34,223
To be honest, I just wanted to see Vegas
194
00:06:34,290 --> 00:06:35,658
and see how you were doing,
195
00:06:35,725 --> 00:06:37,326
and all on the company's dime.
196
00:06:37,394 --> 00:06:39,196
Wait a minute, you've
never been to Las Vegas?
197
00:06:39,262 --> 00:06:40,763
- Nope.
- Tell you what,
198
00:06:40,831 --> 00:06:42,732
I'm gonna show you all there
is to see about Las Vegas.
199
00:06:42,798 --> 00:06:44,466
I'm gonna show you
the greatest places I know,
200
00:06:44,533 --> 00:06:46,636
but I gotta do it later,
because I got a meeting
201
00:06:46,703 --> 00:06:47,771
with my choreographer.
202
00:06:47,836 --> 00:06:49,005
That's another long story.
203
00:06:49,072 --> 00:06:50,340
I'll bet.
204
00:06:50,406 --> 00:06:53,142
You know, I've already
lost over 4,000 bucks.
205
00:06:53,209 --> 00:06:54,911
On nickel slots?
206
00:06:54,978 --> 00:06:56,980
Yeah, I need a breather.
207
00:06:57,047 --> 00:06:58,182
You mind if I tag along?
208
00:06:58,247 --> 00:06:59,682
- No, definitely, come on.
- Cool.
209
00:06:59,749 --> 00:07:00,951
George Lopez.
210
00:07:01,018 --> 00:07:02,987
George Lopez, I've been looking for you.
211
00:07:03,052 --> 00:07:04,086
Blanco?
212
00:07:04,153 --> 00:07:05,656
I'm your new head writer.
213
00:07:05,723 --> 00:07:06,723
No.
214
00:07:06,790 --> 00:07:08,124
Si.
215
00:07:08,812 --> 00:07:10,872
All right, I've been putting
a lot of thought into this.
216
00:07:10,939 --> 00:07:12,574
Okay, what's hot right now? Politics.
217
00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:15,553
So you are "Abrahan Lincone."
218
00:07:15,563 --> 00:07:17,731
And you come out
in a stovepipe sombrero,
219
00:07:17,798 --> 00:07:19,600
and you have a beard, and you say,
220
00:07:19,666 --> 00:07:21,135
"Is not my yob."
221
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,236
- Oh, my God.
- Was that a Lincoln joke?
222
00:07:23,303 --> 00:07:24,904
- What, did he go to Harvard?
- Yeah.
223
00:07:24,971 --> 00:07:28,408
Listen, Blanco, you've
managed to be offensive
224
00:07:28,474 --> 00:07:30,543
and plagiarize at the same time.
225
00:07:30,611 --> 00:07:32,546
Plagiarize? I don't think so.
226
00:07:32,613 --> 00:07:34,346
Blanco, that's Freddie Prinze
from "Chico and the Man."
227
00:07:34,414 --> 00:07:36,149
- "It's not my job."
- Well, I don't know his name.
228
00:07:36,216 --> 00:07:37,885
I just saw some clips on YouTube.
229
00:07:37,952 --> 00:07:40,387
Okay, you can't go to YouTube
and do other people's material.
230
00:07:40,454 --> 00:07:41,822
Yes, you can. It's meta.
231
00:07:41,889 --> 00:07:43,223
No, it's Mencia.
232
00:07:43,289 --> 00:07:45,457
I don't represent Mr. Prinze's estate,
233
00:07:45,524 --> 00:07:47,359
but I think it is seen as bad form
234
00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:48,861
in the comedy community.
235
00:07:48,928 --> 00:07:50,063
Let me tell you something,
236
00:07:50,130 --> 00:07:51,697
all your ideas have sombreros
237
00:07:51,765 --> 00:07:54,368
or donkeys or some stereotypical
238
00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:55,734
connotation with them.
239
00:07:55,801 --> 00:07:57,237
Yes, yes, yes, that's the point.
240
00:07:57,303 --> 00:07:58,705
You're owning it.
241
00:07:58,772 --> 00:08:00,373
And you're owning it
in a way that's inclusive.
242
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:01,742
People who are in on the joke,
243
00:08:01,808 --> 00:08:03,277
they're gonna think you're clever
244
00:08:03,344 --> 00:08:04,778
the way you play
with societal perceptions,
245
00:08:04,844 --> 00:08:07,013
and everyone else,
they're just gonna enjoy it
246
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,948
for the cognitive dissonance.
247
00:08:09,015 --> 00:08:10,450
Okay, I gotta hand it to you,
248
00:08:10,517 --> 00:08:12,152
because I thought
they were just bad jokes.
249
00:08:12,219 --> 00:08:14,154
I didn't realize there was
so much thought behind them.
250
00:08:14,221 --> 00:08:16,490
Hm, I based my MFA thesis
at Harvard on it
251
00:08:16,556 --> 00:08:19,292
and my Hasty Pudding audition
at Harvard on it.
252
00:08:19,358 --> 00:08:20,861
I came out as Speedy Gonzales,
253
00:08:20,928 --> 00:08:23,330
but I was a robot Speedy,
and I was built by Mexicans.
254
00:08:23,397 --> 00:08:24,464
So you're in good hands.
255
00:08:24,531 --> 00:08:25,599
Okay, I'm out. I gotta go.
256
00:08:25,666 --> 00:08:27,200
Oh, yes, choreography, right?
257
00:08:27,267 --> 00:08:28,734
Debonet's a genius. Don't be late.
258
00:08:28,801 --> 00:08:30,103
He's a genius.
259
00:08:30,170 --> 00:08:32,539
[robotic] ?ndale, ?ndale, arriba.
260
00:08:32,605 --> 00:08:35,475
Arriba, arriba, arriba, arriba.
261
00:08:35,541 --> 00:08:38,678
[upbeat dance music]
262
00:08:38,746 --> 00:08:41,148
263
00:08:41,214 --> 00:08:43,282
Jesus Christ.
264
00:08:43,349 --> 00:08:45,252
Pick up your feet.
265
00:08:45,318 --> 00:08:48,088
You're dancing, not shuffling.
266
00:08:48,155 --> 00:08:52,800
267
00:08:54,728 --> 00:08:56,563
I don't know about this thing, Debonet.
268
00:08:56,629 --> 00:08:58,597
I mean, I thought we'd start
with a little tap dancing
269
00:08:58,665 --> 00:09:01,535
or the old soft-shoe,
something a little more classy.
270
00:09:01,602 --> 00:09:03,336
- [music stops]
- Okay, Fred Astaire.
271
00:09:03,402 --> 00:09:06,505
Maybe you didn't realize it,
but you're doing a comedy show.
272
00:09:06,573 --> 00:09:08,975
That means funny. This is funny.
273
00:09:09,041 --> 00:09:10,511
It is funny.
274
00:09:10,576 --> 00:09:13,213
I mean, most of comedy
comes from people's pain.
275
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,749
You know, a valet,
gardener, a gangbanger.
276
00:09:15,815 --> 00:09:18,017
I'm not even sure who this last guy is.
277
00:09:18,084 --> 00:09:19,176
It's waving a white flag,
278
00:09:19,186 --> 00:09:21,556
so I think it is a surrendering.
279
00:09:21,622 --> 00:09:24,024
That is a rag.
280
00:09:24,891 --> 00:09:27,361
This is Car Washer George.
281
00:09:27,428 --> 00:09:29,197
It's funny but with a point.
282
00:09:29,263 --> 00:09:31,065
Blanco explained it to me.
283
00:09:31,131 --> 00:09:34,468
George is dancing with
all the classic stereotypes.
284
00:09:34,534 --> 00:09:37,270
You try to separate from
them, but you can't.
285
00:09:37,337 --> 00:09:39,906
When you move, they move.
286
00:09:39,973 --> 00:09:42,375
If you try to run, they will follow.
287
00:09:42,443 --> 00:09:44,611
And no matter how fast you dance,
288
00:09:44,678 --> 00:09:48,716
ah, they will be right there
dancing with you.
289
00:09:48,781 --> 00:09:51,050
Right, I'm owning the meta, okay?
290
00:09:51,117 --> 00:09:52,619
I'm just not entirely comfortable
291
00:09:52,686 --> 00:09:53,921
with this contraption.
292
00:09:53,987 --> 00:09:55,155
Well, Tiddlypie didn't have a problem
293
00:09:55,222 --> 00:09:56,457
dancing with the Lopezes.
294
00:09:56,524 --> 00:09:58,426
He didn't even have time to rehearse,
295
00:09:58,492 --> 00:10:02,629
and he looked like he was born
with those puppets stuck to him.
296
00:10:02,696 --> 00:10:05,199
[upbeat dance music]
297
00:10:05,265 --> 00:10:06,666
[cheers and applause]
298
00:10:06,733 --> 00:10:09,469
He is a natural.
299
00:10:09,537 --> 00:10:11,105
You are not.
300
00:10:11,172 --> 00:10:12,940
I will have the four faces
sent to your room
301
00:10:13,005 --> 00:10:15,009
so you can practice.
302
00:10:18,279 --> 00:10:21,380
"He is a natural. You are not."
303
00:10:21,447 --> 00:10:22,649
Oy. Oh!
304
00:10:25,285 --> 00:10:26,820
I don't know, man,
I'm having a hard time
305
00:10:26,886 --> 00:10:27,921
getting a handle on this act.
306
00:10:27,989 --> 00:10:28,956
It just feels...
307
00:10:29,021 --> 00:10:30,491
Wrong? Terrible?
308
00:10:30,557 --> 00:10:31,793
It doesn't feel like the George I know
309
00:10:31,858 --> 00:10:33,593
from scouring transcripts of your shows.
310
00:10:33,660 --> 00:10:35,061
Yeah, that's because it's not.
311
00:10:35,129 --> 00:10:36,597
- I mean, I hate it.
- Then why do it?
312
00:10:36,664 --> 00:10:40,000
Because you came in and you
took away my act, Josh.
313
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:42,236
Okay, listen, I'm sorry, man. I just...
314
00:10:42,303 --> 00:10:43,871
I don't have anything
else to do, all right?
315
00:10:43,938 --> 00:10:46,372
I mean, I need this show.
I've burned so many bridges
316
00:10:46,439 --> 00:10:48,274
that I have to find a way
to make this work.
317
00:10:48,342 --> 00:10:51,111
George, you helped me with my act.
318
00:10:51,178 --> 00:10:53,246
I'm gonna help you
get your act together.
319
00:10:53,313 --> 00:10:55,214
Thanks, Maronzio, I appreciate that.
320
00:10:55,281 --> 00:10:56,650
As I was telling Josh,
321
00:10:56,717 --> 00:10:58,318
comedy comes from other people's pain.
322
00:10:58,385 --> 00:10:59,920
I'll just point out
which aspects of your pain
323
00:10:59,986 --> 00:11:01,289
are particularly amusing.
324
00:11:01,355 --> 00:11:02,556
Oh, you'd do that for me? Thanks.
325
00:11:02,622 --> 00:11:03,790
Yeah, I know,
326
00:11:03,857 --> 00:11:05,092
but we'll steer clear of my marriage.
327
00:11:05,159 --> 00:11:06,326
Right.
328
00:11:06,393 --> 00:11:07,728
Let's see, start with Erica.
329
00:11:07,794 --> 00:11:09,697
She's put me through hell.
[sighs] Erica.
330
00:11:09,763 --> 00:11:11,332
I was supposed to call her
when I got to Las Vegas.
331
00:11:11,399 --> 00:11:12,533
She's gotta be freaking out.
332
00:11:12,598 --> 00:11:13,833
George, she's not freaking out.
333
00:11:13,900 --> 00:11:16,303
See, phones work both ways.
334
00:11:17,904 --> 00:11:20,040
Hey, Erica, listen... Hey, it's Dad.
335
00:11:20,107 --> 00:11:22,775
Oh, listen, I'm sorry
I haven't called earlier, but...
336
00:11:22,842 --> 00:11:24,343
I've gotta go. Bye.
337
00:11:24,410 --> 00:11:25,746
Hey, there you are.
338
00:11:25,813 --> 00:11:27,648
George, we were just
coming down to the stage
339
00:11:27,713 --> 00:11:29,282
to "check things out."
340
00:11:29,350 --> 00:11:30,717
All right, well, "check this out."
341
00:11:30,784 --> 00:11:32,319
You know, about my act,
you know Maronzio, right?
342
00:11:32,385 --> 00:11:33,886
Oh, yeah, we know Maronzio
is your opener.
343
00:11:33,953 --> 00:11:35,322
As a matter of fact,
344
00:11:35,389 --> 00:11:36,823
that's what we came
to talk to you about.
345
00:11:36,890 --> 00:11:38,491
When we ran all the focus
groups and demo breakdowns,
346
00:11:38,558 --> 00:11:40,861
it showed that Maronzio
does not add to your fan reach.
347
00:11:40,928 --> 00:11:43,097
Yeah, right, I mean, he's an opener.
348
00:11:43,164 --> 00:11:44,331
Yeah, but if we're gonna sink millions
349
00:11:44,398 --> 00:11:45,832
and make a commitment to you,
350
00:11:45,899 --> 00:11:48,535
we want to make sure you're
making a commitment to us.
351
00:11:50,404 --> 00:11:52,639
You guys want me to fire Maronzio?
352
00:11:52,706 --> 00:11:54,774
We've got some great
candidates lined up.
353
00:11:54,842 --> 00:11:56,476
Yeah, but, you know,
he was gonna help me with...
354
00:11:56,544 --> 00:11:58,678
We ran the numbers, and the
best way for him to help you
355
00:11:58,746 --> 00:12:00,715
is to disappear.
356
00:12:00,780 --> 00:12:03,250
Maybe we can get
the magician from the Copa Room
357
00:12:03,317 --> 00:12:05,119
to help with that. [laughter]
358
00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:06,285
Mar-gone-zio.
359
00:12:06,352 --> 00:12:07,888
Now you see him, now you don't.
360
00:12:07,954 --> 00:12:09,889
[laughter]
361
00:12:09,957 --> 00:12:11,893
Hey.
362
00:12:11,958 --> 00:12:13,428
All right.
363
00:12:18,676 --> 00:12:20,127
I've had it with these crazy promoters.
364
00:12:20,137 --> 00:12:22,141
They just want too much.
365
00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:24,825
- And they want you to fire me?
- How did you know that?
366
00:12:24,835 --> 00:12:27,026
Maybe by the number of
times they were smiling
367
00:12:27,112 --> 00:12:28,613
and then turn and look at me,
368
00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:30,817
and then looking back and
then frowning and looking back.
369
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:32,418
Yeah, listen, they said
that you were funny,
370
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:33,552
extremely talented.
371
00:12:33,619 --> 00:12:34,954
No, they didn't, George.
372
00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:36,389
Yeah, but it's true.
373
00:12:36,454 --> 00:12:38,256
I mean, they just don't think
you add anything
374
00:12:38,323 --> 00:12:39,858
demographically to the show,
375
00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:42,327
and they won't put money into the show...
376
00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:45,932
You know, I need the show, so I'm...
377
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,033
I don't know what to do.
378
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,467
Yes, you do. You have to fire me.
379
00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:50,837
If they want you,
you have to double down,
380
00:12:50,904 --> 00:12:51,837
and I'm out.
381
00:12:51,904 --> 00:12:53,072
Yeah, but we're friends.
382
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:54,240
You're also a client, George.
383
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:55,640
I'm not a client.
384
00:12:55,707 --> 00:12:58,077
Look, you have to bet on yourself.
385
00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:00,313
You have to double down, right?
386
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:03,282
This is a lousy business,
terrible business.
387
00:13:03,348 --> 00:13:04,816
The path is right in front of you.
388
00:13:04,884 --> 00:13:06,318
All you have to do is...
389
00:13:06,385 --> 00:13:07,819
- Double down.
- Exactly.
390
00:13:07,886 --> 00:13:09,621
- You're not mad?
- No.
391
00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:11,423
I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed,
392
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:12,924
but I'm not a hypocrite.
393
00:13:12,991 --> 00:13:14,092
Knock 'em dead, George.
394
00:13:14,159 --> 00:13:15,160
All right. Thank you for that.
395
00:13:15,227 --> 00:13:16,909
Double down!
396
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:20,066
Damn it!
397
00:13:20,131 --> 00:13:22,568
Maronzio!
398
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:25,270
I think there's a flaw in your system.
399
00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:28,140
The flaw is you split 10s.
400
00:13:28,207 --> 00:13:30,543
Hey, Josh, listen, man,
if you keep doubling down on bets,
401
00:13:30,609 --> 00:13:31,844
eventually you're gonna lose.
402
00:13:31,910 --> 00:13:33,145
Right.
403
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:35,014
So I need to stop just
before I lose next time.
404
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:37,249
Well, there's not gonna
be a next time, dude.
405
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:38,918
That's why I took away
your credit cards.
406
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,421
Well, thanks, George.
You're a good friend.
407
00:13:41,486 --> 00:13:44,222
I better go let my wife know
not to use them
408
00:13:44,289 --> 00:13:45,390
for a couple or three months.
409
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:48,361
Good luck with that.
410
00:13:48,427 --> 00:13:50,495
- Hey, fool.
- Hey, jefe.
411
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:52,432
George, uh... Mr. Lopez.
412
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,697
It say "Cholo" on that cup?
413
00:13:54,707 --> 00:13:56,702
It says "Manolo."
414
00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:00,839
Hey, listen, if you want
to hang around Las Vegas
415
00:14:00,905 --> 00:14:02,974
for a couple days, I'll get you a room.
416
00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:04,377
I got to go.
417
00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:06,913
Yeah? You sure? 'Cause it might be fun.
418
00:14:06,978 --> 00:14:09,147
Like just me and you,
just hanging out, be all right.
419
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:10,683
No, I got to get back to LA.
420
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,019
My parole officer refused
to let me come out to Vegas.
421
00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:14,620
He said it was too many bad influences.
422
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,955
Wait a minute,
you violated parole for me?
423
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,589
I knew this was important to you.
424
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,191
I wanted to be there for you.
425
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:21,327
Manolo, you could go to jail, man.
426
00:14:21,393 --> 00:14:22,695
You could go back to jail.
427
00:14:22,761 --> 00:14:24,829
I've been told I make bad decisions.
428
00:14:24,896 --> 00:14:26,461
I better go.
429
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,037
Oh, man, this is awful.
430
00:14:31,103 --> 00:14:33,439
I need a drink.
431
00:14:37,409 --> 00:14:38,711
Hey, you have Tussin?
432
00:14:38,776 --> 00:14:40,645
Yeah, it's on that second aisle there.
433
00:14:40,712 --> 00:14:43,549
Oh. Ooh, all right.
434
00:14:50,470 --> 00:14:51,957
Benny, Benny.
435
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,534
What are you guys smiling at?
436
00:15:03,093 --> 00:15:04,803
You guys suck.
437
00:15:04,870 --> 00:15:05,971
I hate you guys.
438
00:15:06,038 --> 00:15:09,976
Step, Fetchit, Fetchit, Fetchit more.
439
00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:11,644
Steppits.
440
00:15:12,262 --> 00:15:15,347
You yelling at them
or at yourself, George?
441
00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:17,415
Hey, Broughton.
442
00:15:17,482 --> 00:15:19,618
Hey, man. How did...
443
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:22,255
How did you get in...
How did you get in here?
444
00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:23,889
Are you a ghost?
445
00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:25,558
Did you die?
446
00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:27,393
Oh, dios mio.
447
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:28,861
Where's Edna? Where's Edna?
448
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,462
I think I could use a shoulder rub.
449
00:15:31,529 --> 00:15:34,100
Don't you worry about where Edna is.
450
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:35,500
She's fine.
451
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:37,736
And you know I ain't no dead ghost.
452
00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:40,005
- Then how...
- It's the Tussin, George.
453
00:15:40,072 --> 00:15:42,640
I'm a hallucination
caused by the combination
454
00:15:42,707 --> 00:15:47,612
of stress and fatigue and way
too many grape and gingers.
455
00:15:47,679 --> 00:15:49,082
So I could make you disappear?
456
00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:53,519
Sure, but your brain conjured
me up for some reason.
457
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:56,621
So you could use the metal
detector to help me find my watch.
458
00:15:56,688 --> 00:15:58,790
You're wearing your watch, George.
459
00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:03,395
But you lost something way
more important than your watch,
460
00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,396
and that's not the setup to a joke.
461
00:16:05,463 --> 00:16:08,333
Oh, wait, 'cause I think...
I think I got a good one.
462
00:16:08,399 --> 00:16:09,702
Of course you do.
463
00:16:09,768 --> 00:16:12,971
But as long as you can
look at your life honestly
464
00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:16,909
and be true to yourself,
you'll always be funny.
465
00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:18,478
Well, mostly funny.
466
00:16:18,543 --> 00:16:19,778
Comedy's tough.
467
00:16:19,845 --> 00:16:23,382
But this show, I hate these puppets.
468
00:16:23,448 --> 00:16:24,883
'Cause you hate yourself.
469
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,485
Well, I always hated myself,
470
00:16:26,552 --> 00:16:29,488
but, believe me, man,
these puppets suck.
471
00:16:29,554 --> 00:16:31,923
You got a bigger problem
than these puppets.
472
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:36,562
You have to stop blaming
those around you
473
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:40,967
and do what you need to do.
474
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,501
You are right.
475
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:44,068
Well, since I'm a manifestation
476
00:16:44,135 --> 00:16:45,637
of your self-consciousness,
477
00:16:45,703 --> 00:16:48,741
you could say that you're right.
478
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:53,679
Right again. But I know
what I need to do,
479
00:16:53,745 --> 00:16:56,615
and I'm gonna make
everything right, okay?
480
00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:58,640
With everyone.
481
00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:01,688
Hey.
482
00:17:05,472 --> 00:17:07,170
I was working with
the four faces of George,
483
00:17:07,180 --> 00:17:10,874
and I have an idea
I want to show you guys.
484
00:17:10,941 --> 00:17:13,377
- Hey!
- I did not choreograph that.
485
00:17:13,445 --> 00:17:14,912
No, of course not, 'cause if you would,
486
00:17:14,978 --> 00:17:17,047
it would have had one of these in it.
487
00:17:17,114 --> 00:17:18,649
I think I know what he's going for.
488
00:17:18,716 --> 00:17:20,083
He's battling with himself.
489
00:17:20,150 --> 00:17:21,786
If he was wearing a serape
490
00:17:21,852 --> 00:17:24,020
and maybe some cross bandoleros
like the Frito Bandito, yeah?
491
00:17:24,088 --> 00:17:25,223
You know what, Blanco, you're fired.
492
00:17:25,290 --> 00:17:26,792
Okay, you wanted George Lopez.
493
00:17:26,858 --> 00:17:28,159
I'm trying to give you George Lopez,
494
00:17:28,226 --> 00:17:31,027
with a mic and my opening act, Maronzio.
495
00:17:31,094 --> 00:17:32,563
I guess we're going with Tiddlypie.
496
00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:33,853
What? Seriously?
497
00:17:33,863 --> 00:17:35,632
You're gonna give a residency
show to that idiot?
498
00:17:35,699 --> 00:17:37,366
That idiot and all the other idiots
499
00:17:37,433 --> 00:17:40,737
on YouTube and Instagram
are the future of entertainment.
500
00:17:40,803 --> 00:17:42,272
Okay, well, they might be the future,
501
00:17:42,339 --> 00:17:43,707
but what's he gonna do now?
He has no talent!
502
00:17:43,774 --> 00:17:45,775
What's he gonna do, pull a wagon
503
00:17:45,842 --> 00:17:47,276
and ask if you want fries with that?
504
00:17:47,343 --> 00:17:49,178
That's good for six seconds,
maybe ten seconds.
505
00:17:49,245 --> 00:17:51,113
You're gonna stretch that
into an hour and a half?
506
00:17:51,180 --> 00:17:53,917
He may only have ten seconds of an act,
507
00:17:53,984 --> 00:17:56,886
but, George, you have no act.
508
00:17:56,952 --> 00:17:58,453
Wow, okay.
509
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,824
You know what? My life is an act, okay?
510
00:18:00,891 --> 00:18:04,361
I just hallucinated because
I mixed cough syrup
511
00:18:04,427 --> 00:18:06,829
and ginger ale,
and I picked up that cocktail
512
00:18:06,895 --> 00:18:08,764
when I was kidnapped by two hillbillies
513
00:18:08,832 --> 00:18:10,934
on the way to Las Vegas.
514
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,069
Well, they didn't kidnap me.
It was kind of like "Misery,"
515
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:15,437
but instead of Kathy Bates
wanting to break my legs,
516
00:18:15,505 --> 00:18:18,275
the lady offered to have sex
with me because I was her pass.
517
00:18:18,342 --> 00:18:22,713
And get this, her husband's
pass is Annie Potts.
518
00:18:22,778 --> 00:18:24,247
I love Annie Potts.
519
00:18:24,314 --> 00:18:26,416
And my driver,
he's a sweetheart of a guy.
520
00:18:26,482 --> 00:18:29,585
He can't cross state lines,
so I had to drive myself,
521
00:18:29,652 --> 00:18:31,287
because he's a felon...
522
00:18:31,353 --> 00:18:33,922
and now he might go back to jail.
523
00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:35,824
And he's big and fluffy,
524
00:18:35,891 --> 00:18:38,795
which will not be good for him in jail.
525
00:18:38,862 --> 00:18:42,632
Look, I'm telling you,
my whole life has been an act.
526
00:18:42,699 --> 00:18:44,468
I was married for 17 years,
527
00:18:44,534 --> 00:18:46,369
and my wife gave me a kidney.
528
00:18:46,436 --> 00:18:48,705
And people are like,
"How can you divorce a woman
529
00:18:48,772 --> 00:18:50,439
who's given you a kidney?"
530
00:18:50,507 --> 00:18:54,643
I said, "She gave me a kidney,
not a conscience."
531
00:18:54,709 --> 00:18:55,879
Thank you, everybody.
532
00:18:55,945 --> 00:18:57,247
[cheers and applause]
533
00:18:57,314 --> 00:18:59,315
I love Las Vegas.
534
00:18:59,382 --> 00:19:01,884
[cheers and applause]
535
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:05,822
- Pang! Yes!
- Hey, you did it again.
536
00:19:05,889 --> 00:19:09,059
- Spectacular.
- George, we are convinced.
537
00:19:09,124 --> 00:19:10,727
- This is perfect.
- Oh, thank you.
538
00:19:10,793 --> 00:19:12,395
Well, I couldn't have done it
without my team.
539
00:19:12,461 --> 00:19:15,632
We're sold. Olly, you can kill
the backup deal for Tiddlypie.
540
00:19:15,699 --> 00:19:18,735
Olly, we can kill Tiddlypie.
541
00:19:18,802 --> 00:19:20,403
Olly made a very strong deal for you.
542
00:19:20,468 --> 00:19:21,837
- It hurt.
- Oh, wow.
543
00:19:21,904 --> 00:19:23,272
See? I'm working for you.
544
00:19:23,339 --> 00:19:26,442
We hope you love being part
of the Woodwind family.
545
00:19:26,508 --> 00:19:29,678
I mean, you better. You're gonna
be doing eight shows a week.
546
00:19:29,746 --> 00:19:31,714
Dark on Monday,
so two shows on Saturdays,
547
00:19:31,780 --> 00:19:33,316
for the next three years.
548
00:19:33,382 --> 00:19:36,752
Minimum. You could be doing
this for the rest of your life.
549
00:19:36,818 --> 00:19:37,853
[cell bars clanking shut]
550
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,389
[cheering] Wow-wow-wow!
551
00:19:39,456 --> 00:19:41,690
- Let's celebrate!
- Yeah, drinks, drinks.
552
00:19:41,757 --> 00:19:43,427
- Whoo!
- Come on, let's go.
553
00:19:43,493 --> 00:19:45,091
- Drinks, drinks.
- Yeah, come on.
554
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:47,730
Let's get some drinks.
555
00:19:48,494 --> 00:19:50,266
Come on, George.
556
00:19:50,792 --> 00:19:52,201
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
557
00:19:52,706 --> 00:19:54,938
- It'll be fine.
- All right.
558
00:19:55,238 --> 00:19:59,268
Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~
559
00:19:59,318 --> 00:20:03,868
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