All language subtitles for Lopez s01e08 George Doubles Down.eng

(lounge music)

- Man, you were on tonight.
- Right?

- That was funny.
- Some great tags you wrote.

- Thanks, man.
- You know, what I like about you

is that, uh, I don't like you that much.

- I feel the same.
- But...

I'm not saying that I dislike you.

No need to explain. I already know.

- You're not needy.
- No, I am not.

You know, even though I don't
know that much about you,

it doesn't bother me.

You like it, and you
don't want to know more.

Exactly. You know, you're not an onion

with like, uh, layers and layers.

You know, you... You're like a grape.

Like a seedless grape... just
a tiny layer on the outside,

- and then that's it.
- Well put. You don't need an onion.

I don't need an onion. Now,
my ex-wife, she was an onion.

- You were married?
- Oh, yeah, and two kids.

I didn't know... You
know, I didn't know that.

And yet, here we are, right?

You just need to know my dates
so that you can open for me.

Or not open for you.

(upbeat Latin music)

Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~

(lounge music)

You don't want to open for me?

Are you headlining? Who you touring with?

Nobody, but see, when I do
a show with George Lopez...

Oh, okay, hang on, hang on, (chuckles)

You don't do a show with
George Lopez, you open for...

Only half the people are there to see me.

Half? Maronzio, when you
do a show for me, man,

- no one is there to see you.
- But when I headline...

Oh, you're... Now you're headlining? Where?

Mostly in Orange County, two Sheratons

and the Beverly Garland in Studio City.

It's nice.

Lounges?

(chuckles)

It's not lounges. They're meeting rooms.

I found a promoter to go
all-in on my Double Down system.

- What's the Double Down system?
- Basically what I did was, I quantify

all my motivational speeches
into a can't-miss system

that will bring you greater wealth,

happiness, and personal satisfaction.

All you have to do is double down.

- Really?
- Oh, this is for real.

First, I took an analytical look

at the most successful 12-step programs.

Probably went to an AA meeting, all right.

And I focused them
into an 11-point system.

- That's just one less step.
- Exactly.

My Double Down system is
quicker and more efficient

and avoids copyright infringement issues.

I got rid of all that
"apologizing to people" stuff.

Yeah, that can... That
can take up a lot of time,

going to people's houses.

And do you know what
you do when you're done

with my 11-step system?

Go to rehab?

Double down, George. You
always double down on 11.

Yeah, okay, in blackjack, yes, but...

Exactly.

Now, you can double down in life.

And that's supposed to help people?

It's helping me already.
This promoter told me

this could be my ticket
off the road, George.

No more PJ make slappy happys.

Okay, well, that's what my residency show

- was supposed to do for us.
- For sure.

I'm not bugging out.

I just need you to free
up a few dates, that's all.

So you want me to adjust my schedule

so you can go doubling
down in these hotels?

I can see you're not happy about this.

This will be a great thing

for you to get into your
discomfort zone, George Lopez.

I don't... What does that mean?

I don't know yet. I think it's
gonna be my follow-up system.

I think there's a
flaw to his system.

See, even if I have 11, I don't
double down against a king.

That's the flaw?

There's just something about
that king staring at me,

especially when he has a knife in his head.

Okay, the flaw is that it's stupid.

And now I have to get Olly
to rearrange some things.

(cell phone dialing)

This is the office of Olly Smith...

Hi, this is George...

Voice mail.

(groans)

(voice mail beeps) Yeah,
this is George Lopez.

I got to move some dates
around for Maronzio.

You know what? Every time
I call Olly in the office,

I get a voice mail of
her assistant, Tangene,

who says she's always away from her desk.

But Tangene is never at her desk.

And Tangene sounds a lot like Olly,

but with, like, a lower-pitched voice.

I don't think Olly has an assistant.

Check this out. Let me call back.

(cell phone dialing)

This is the office of Olly Smith.

We're away from our desks
so please leave a message

for either Olly or me,
her assistant, Tangene.

Yeah, that does sound like Olly.

- Ciao.
- But with a weird accent.

Right? And every time we go to
the office, Tangene's never there.

The fruit waters are there, but no Tangene.

Hey, as long as the fruit waters
are there, does it really matter?

Yes, Manolo, it matters.
This is business, okay?

You want to have a manager
that's senior enough to have

an assistant, maybe two assistants.

(upbeat music)

But this...

(sighs)

But, okay, I guess you don't
want to end up like MC Hammer.

- What?
- Look, Arton is right.

You don't want to build
a palace in a dump hole

that you can then never
sell or even refinance.

Oh, but, Arton, San Fernando is no Oakland.

Oh, much worse, Oakland near
Silicon Valley, huge upside.

I like the Raiders.

No kidding.

But imagine the San Fernando Raiders.

- (scoffs)
- Why not?

- Yeah.
- Exactly.

Come on, LA's getting pro football.

There's a lot of land, a
lot of vacant land out here.

If they build a stadium out
there, we can walk to games.

Ah, they gives jobs to
big building company,

be two years late and over budget.

You know people? Can be built?

No, I don't know...

I don't know people. I
mean we're just daydreaming.

I mean, let's build my house first,

and then we'll worry
about that other stuff.

Ah.

Okay, first thing, I'll
get the supplies delivered.

We need a fence to keep out the animals.

They steal everything in this area... oof!

Big fence.

Maybe electric.

By "animals" you mean animals, right?

(laughs)

Good one. You're funny man, funny man.

I got to get to work.

You know what? I don't know about this guy.

- Arton?
- Yeah.

He's the best. He hits schedule and budget.

Well, I just thought, 'cause I'm Latino,

we're in a Latino area, that
we would probably go more,

- you know, local.
- Yeah, well, Arton is local.

Hell, he's about the only licensed
contractor that will work here.

Look, we need a real ball-breaker.

And I find that Armenians
and Israelis are the best.

There's just something
about surviving a genocide

that seems to make for badass contractors.

Yeah, probably not worth the trade-off.

So is Arton Armenian or Israeli?

I'm not sure.

I think everybody's
Mexican, so I don't know.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello?

George, are we really rescheduling dates

just for Maronzio?

You know what? Those dates
aren't huge dates, okay?

So why don't you just give them to Tangene?

I'm sure she could figure it out.

Well, unfortunately, Tangene is
not at her desk at the moment.

I don't know where that girl goes.

- But I do know. I'm in charge.
- Ah, right.

Listen, maybe we don't want
to move your dates, yeah?

I mean, maybe we use this as an opportunity

to find you a new opening act?

Okay, I told you, Maronzio opens for me.

Yes, and he's great, and I love him.

And I think he's so funny.

But he may not be helping
you expand your base.

- With whites and Asians?
- Yes, and the women.

Listen, Maronzio, through his
own selfishness, I might add,

may have just given you the chance
to try out some new openers.

- You know, mix it up a little bit.
- I don't know.

It's not just about
demographics, George,

I mean, maybe you could
just do better, you know?

Hipper, cooler, more now...
That's all I'm saying.

Well, I don't know about these new acts.

I mean, they're all kids, and
they all act like jokes are,

you know, something to be
ashamed of, like laughter's bad.

George, what if Maronzio
decides he's done with you

right when the residency
hangs in the balance?

I mean, what are you gonna do then?

(upbeat music)

- So who's gonna open for you?
- I don't know.

Picking an opening act is a big decision.

Olly has a huge list of
up-and-coming comedians

- that she wants me to see.
- Sounds like fun.

Why don't you just go and see
who makes you laugh the most?

- Well, if they're funny...
- (bleep) George Lopez.

Who in their right mind would
let you judge what is funny?

Well, the entertainment industry, for one.

So does the opener have to be white?

- Well, no, but it's a...
- Yeah, leave it to George Lopez

to turn his back on our community.

For once, why couldn't
it be a Latino comedian?

I haven't seen Jos? Jim?nez for years.

Why not support him, you
coconut mother(bleep)?

Jos? Jim?nez is not a comedian.

(scoffs) You could not
wipe the ass of his comedy.

Jos? Jim?nez is a character, okay?

Played by Bill Dana, a white guy.

- Okay?
- (slurps)

Why don't I check in to Mel Blanc

and see what Speedy Gonzales is doing?

(bleep) George Lopez.

Speedy Gonzales is white?

I just want to expand my audience

and make more people happy,
but every time George Lopez

tries to make somebody happy,
I always piss people off.

That's not true.

When you gave me this
watch, it made me happy.

- Oh, wait, it did piss Eduardo off.
- Why did it piss Eduardo off?

- I paid more for his watch.
- Really?

You know what? I'm not gonna
have anybody open for me,

no matter who they are,
that doesn't deserve it.

But I know who I want,
and she's really funny,

and she's a white woman.

Those are hard to find.

So Anderson says, "I only wear Prada."

- What are you gonna do?
- He's a Vanderbilt, right?

I saw him one time in
DC. He was... he was nice.

He's great. Look, I'm so glad
you called me for lunch, honestly.

Yeah, well, you know, Kathy, it's
always too long between visits.

I know, and I was really excited to hear

you're ready to make a
change, because, you know,

if we don't expand our
base, we're dead, right?

That's what I keep hearing.

My manager told me that I have to hire

an actual branding expert to tell me

I need to add a little color to my demo.

Yeah, yeah, did they tell
you you needed to pivot

- so that you can get traction?
- Yeah.

A-a-a blackish, kind
of Latino-ish, uh

- Italian-looking dude, tall...
- I've got an Asian girl.

An Asian girl? Wow. There's more of them.

Anyway, what you need
are the LGBTs, all right?

And you called the right person.

All right, I am swimming in LGBTs.

You got a lot of gaytinos, like the gay...

I love the gaytinos, yeah.

Yeah, I-I had a cousin
of mine that was gay,

and then he told his dad,
and his dad said, "What?"

And he says, "I'm gay," and then
his dad said, "No, you're not."

And then he said, "No,
I'm not." He got scared.

That's what's called the,
um, fluids or the pansexuals.

Now, if you could throw me some
straights, I could throw you some pans.

Okay, I think I could help
you with the straights.

- I need at least five straights.
- I'll give you some straights,

and we'll swap gaytinos for straights.

And that's how you expand your base.

That's why this partnership,
I think, is perfect, you know?

I wanted to ask you if you wanted to,

- uh, open for me.
- For a charity or...?

No, not for a charity. I meant
for all... Uh, you know, I'm close

to getting a residency in
Las Vegas, so, you know...

- Oh. (laughs)
- Yeah.

(laughing) Okay, good,
'cause that was funny.

Yeah, right, like I'm gonna
stop my Carnegie Hall show

and then go open for you, George.

- I mean, that makes sense.
- Wow. You did Carnegie Hall?

Yeah, three times. I sold
out. You came one night.

- Is that where that was?
- Yes, with the symphony.

- I'm just kidding. I'm...
- I know, I know.

Come on, I almost had you, almost had you.

George, you kill me. These lunches...

I'm just messing around.
Look at everybody laughing.

- I knew it.
- Just playing.

- I knew it.
- We're just playing.

How could Kathy Griffin
think I would open for her?

- I-is she bigger than I am?
- Well, could be.

Okay, how about this guy?

Oh, no, that guy's awful. I
saw him in Montreal last year.

- He's horrible.
- Well, he's funny now.

He's buying jokes from The Joke Pusher.

There's got to be a ton
of good people out there.

Isn't that your job, to find
the good people out there?

Maybe Tangene should
be helping me with this.

Yeah, well, Tangene is out
scouting a club right now.

Let me walk you out.

At 1:30 in the afternoon?
Comedy clubs don't do matinees.

- Come on.
- Well, they do.

I mean, and, you know... But
I don't know where she is,

because she's my assistant, I'm not hers.

She's probably over here. Tangene!

She's probably with Danny in Dubai, huh?

Oh, yeah, Danny's in Macau.

Wow. But... but not to worry 'cause...

Yeah, 'cause me and Tangene
are doing a lot of good stuff.

I mean, we... I have the inside track,

not even Tangene knows,
about this comedian.

He is all the rage.

In fact... Hi. I've got a
meeting set up for you tonight.

All right. Um, I'm waiting
to meet a guy here, man,

- so hang back, all right?
- All right, cool.

(pensive Latin music)

(distant sirens wailing)

Ooh, ay, caramba, it's George Lopez.

Hey, uh, Chip.

Yeah, that's me, but you know what?

You can call me Brad, you know?

Chip is more like a character I play.

It's like my persona when
I'm the snarky tour guide.

Yeah, I can see the
difference in both guys.

Listen, I can't talk because
I'm meeting a dude here, so...

Yeah, you're meeting your new opening act.

- You?
- Yeah, me.

Wait a minute. Olly called you
and asked you to meet me here?

Yeah, she's my girl.

Oh, my God, look, here's
how it's gonna go down.

I'm gonna be onstage doing my act,

and you're gonna be in the audience,

- and then we do our thing.
- What thing?

You know, our thing, like, uh,

I give the audience a tour

of all of your recent personal tragedies

with my biting and caustic wit,

and then you sit there and take it.

Yeah, sure.

Dios m?o, there's trouble
in paradise for George Lopez.

I love it, whichever guy came
up with it, Chip or Brad...

Ah. Oh, it must be 5:00 somewhere

because George is getting
into the tequilas, you know...

- Okay. Turn around.
- Okay, I'll just eat.

(cell phone dialing)

This is the office of Olly Smith...

- Oh, come on.
- So, please, leave a message.

Hi, you've reached Manolo at
the office of George Lopez.

I'm away from the car right
now, so please leave me

a brief message, and I'll be sure to...

Go ahead. No, listen, man, if you want that

to be your voice mail, go
ahead, bro... it's nice.

I'll get back to you as
soon as possible. Thank you.

- All right, very professional.
- Cool.

You just better not be away from the car

as much as Tangene is away from her desk.

(upbeat Latin music)

Come on! Chip?

That snarky-ass tour guide?

George, he has a network
development deal at Pivot

or Freeform or FYI

or SeeSaw, whatever the good one is.

Listen, don't ever put
me in that position again.

Well, okay, well, Tangene, tell

Danny never to put George
in that position ever again.

- She heard me.
- Great, Tangene!

Or Danny or whoever you are.

I don't know... Maybe you even have

the tooth fairy working on this.

Okay, you didn't like Chip.
He wasn't a fit. That's fine.

But I know some really good people

doing really socially relevant stuff,

like, um, Lenny Bruce
and Richard Pryor did.

You know, I think you might just be

reading those names off
the Internet to placate me.

Well, of course I'm reading
names off the Internet.

But they're the right names, right?

Yes.

George, I'm on this. You and I...
we're going to a show at Meltdown

to check out the future of comedy today.

Future of comedy today... All right.

(chuckling) What... place...

Come on, George.

Is this, like, a hobby shop?

Um, if avant-garde,
cutting-edge comedy is a hobby

- then, yeah, this is a hobby shop.
- Smells funky.

Smells funky? Don't tell anybody else that.

(tense jazz music)

- Jonah.
- Olly.

I'd like you to meet Mr. George Lopez.

Wow. Mr. Lopez...

thanks so much for coming
down and checking us out.

Yeah, I came to see some comedians, Jonah,

but so far, all I see is comic-book nerds.

Oh, well, fortunately
there's a lot of overlap.

Yeah, and toy collectors, too.

Uh, do you like Magic: The Gathering,

or are you more of a D & D guy?

- Uh, golf.
- Ah.

Oh, old school, yeah, I like it.

Well, looks like they're
about to get started.

Lot of heavy hitters in there.

Uh, Jonah, want me to
do, like, ten minutes?

Get everybody warmed up? I think
they'll be excited to see me.

I mean, uh, you...

Howard Kremer is just about
to go on now, but then, uh...

Oh, Howard Kremer, but you're George Lopez,

so that's not too bad, yeah?

Uh...

- Uh, thanks for coming by.
- Yeah.

(applause)

Hey, gang. How are you?

I'll tell you a little about myself.

I could be any villain
in the movie "Taken."

(laughter)

I was walking in here tonight,
a guy said I looked like

the monkey from "Aladdin," on bath salts.

(laughter)

I was born on the cusp of Truck Month

- and Lobsterfest.
- (laughter)

Doing a show this weekend
in the back of a Nissan Cube.

(laughter)

Limited seating for that one.

(laughter and applause)

All right, everybody.

Keep it going for your next performer,

Mr. Dan DeFrank.

Thanks for bringing me. I
mean, that stuff was, uh...

It was funny, not like
laugh-out-loud funny,

but, you know,
experimentally relevant funny.

Yeah. I told you so.

Yeah, that guy... That, uh, Asperger-y guy

- had that kind of...
- That Andy Kaufman thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what?
We should make him an offer.

I don't think he's a fit.

Wait a minute... you're
the one that brought me here

to appeal to a younger, hipper demographic.

I mean, let's shake things up,
make that guy Howard an offer.

- I already did. He passed.
- Already?

Well, he has nothing but much
love and much respect for you,

but he thinks it would
confuse his audience.

Audien... Wow.

All right, how about the
tall, slow-looking dude?

- Not a fit.
- The last girl that we saw?

Not a fit, but I'm on top of this.

We just need to set our
sights in other directions.

Well, you know what?
Maronzio's my opening act.

Let's shuffle some dates around,
and let's get him back, okay?

- I already called him.
- When?

- When I was in the bathroom.
- Wow, you are 24-7.

All right, I'm ready to
get things back to normal.

- Okay, so it's all good.
- It's not all good,

just 'cause Maronzio heard that you
were auditioning people to replace him,

and he is pissed.

(chuckles) Yeah.

Come on.

(tense jazz music)

Man, he's not returning
my voice mail messages,

emails, text messages. I sent him
all emojis, haven't heard back.

You sure this is where he's at?

Yeah, but when you do see Maronzio,

are you sure you know how to get him back?

Hey, dude, this isn't a romantic
comedy. This is business.

I'll just tell him

that, uh, you know, I didn't
appreciate what I had when...

When I was with him, and I was foolish.

Until he was gone.

Pretty sure that's what
Hugh Grant always said.

How come all your advice
is from Hugh Grant movies?

This isn't "Bridget Jones's Diary."

That was a good one.

Yeah, I guess this is the place.

You don't have to fail,

because my 11-step
system is fail-safe.

If you have the will, I
can give you the power.

And then you will have willpower.

And when you have willpower, you can...

- all: Double down.
- Exactly.

Now, if you would like to begin
with the introductory seminar,

please have your credit cards ready.

- Yes, sir?
- When do you show card counting?

There's no card counting, sir.

The "Double Down" is a metaphor
for believing in yourself.

Uh, single deck or two?

So do I double down on ten?

Yeah, like, if a six
is showing or something.

Okay, so if I have a ten,
a two, and another two...

- Hey, George.
- What do I do?

You're doing great.
You're following the steps.

The progress is showing.
Double down, all right?

- See you next time.
- Okay.

Go ahead, huh? Great job.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I overheard you talking to that guy.

That's... that's impressive.

These people come to see me, you know.

This is not my most lucrative venue,

but I'm laying the groundwork.

Yeah, uh, listen, man,

I-I wanted to see if
you would, um, consider

giving this up and coming back
and opening for me exclusively?

I don't think I can commit to that.

You know, the way you
couldn't commit to me?

Damn, this is a romantic comedy.
Okay. Maronzio, okay, come back.

Listen, I-I'll do right by
you. I'm a different person.

Trust me.

I don't know, George. I
just can't give up my dream

of being a multilevel marketing
millionaire. This is...

Yeah, yeah, uh, I can see.
Okay, so how about this? Um,

I'll give you a merch
table outside of the venue,

and instead of selling CDs
and T-shirts like you do,

you could sell the Double Down system.

The...

George Lopez, you got
yourself an opening act.

- All right, welcome back.
- Huh?

See how my system works?

I got everything I wanted,

and all I had to do was
double down and bet on myself.

Yeah, that's one way to look at it.

No, that's the only way to look at it.

You can't lose if you keep doubling down.

- That's not true.
- Even if you wiped out, double down.

- Yeah, but you don't have any money.
- It's all explained in the book.

Oh, do me a favor. Will you grab my poster?

No, that's not gonna
happen. (chuckles) Come on.

Come on, we're doubling down. Let's go.

Hey, there's another poster right
here, and there's one in the lobby.

Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0