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1
00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:56,710
Oh, I remember it now! Oh, go on.
2
00:00:56,760 --> 00:01:01,350
So, there's this fella and
he's buying this face cream...
3
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,750
- Yeah? - And he says to the
woman behind the counter,
4
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,950
"This stuff's marvellous. I've
only been using it a few weeks.
5
00:01:07,005 --> 00:01:11,595
"You'll never guess how old I am."
And she says "Oh... 36?"
6
00:01:11,645 --> 00:01:14,915
He says, "No, I'm 47!"
7
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And she goes, "Oh, that's wonderful,
I must try some of that myself."
8
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,150
Anyway, next off he goes on
to the post office
9
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:24,190
and he gets chatting to the fella
behind the counter and he says,
10
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:27,430
"You want to try some of this
face cream I've been using.
11
00:01:27,485 --> 00:01:29,475
"You'll never guess how old I am."
12
00:01:29,525 --> 00:01:33,875
And the fella behind
the counter says, "Oh... 35?"
13
00:01:33,925 --> 00:01:38,435
He says, "No, I'm 47!"
And the fella behind the counter says,
14
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:41,310
"Oh, that's wonderful. I'll have
to get some of that myself."
15
00:01:41,365 --> 00:01:43,715
And he's just leaving post office
16
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:47,750
and he bumps into this little old lady.
Oh, aye.
17
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,750
And he says to her, "I bet you
can't guess how old I am."
18
00:01:50,805 --> 00:01:55,235
And she says, "Well, I probably can,
but I'm just going to have to put
19
00:01:55,285 --> 00:01:58,195
"my hand down the
front of your trousers."
20
00:01:58,245 --> 00:02:01,315
And he's like, "Oh... OK."
21
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:06,560
So she puts her hand down inside
his trousers and has a bit of a...
22
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:09,910
.. rummage around.
23
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:14,110
And then, after two or
three minutes, she says,
24
00:02:14,165 --> 00:02:15,915
"You're 47!"
25
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:20,550
And he says, "Good Lord,
how do you know? How can you tell?"
26
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:23,960
And she says, "I was stood
behind you in the chemist."
27
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:49,590
Hey! I never told you.
Our Gillian's got a date.
28
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:53,270
Has she? Who with?
- I've kept you waiting. - No!
29
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:54,880
I'm really sorry.
30
00:02:56,080 --> 00:03:00,870
Let me get you a drink. No, no, no, no!
Let me. Oh, you've already...
31
00:03:00,925 --> 00:03:04,485
A fella.
Well, that's something in itself.
32
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:09,840
God, this is really embarrassing.
Is it? Why?
33
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:15,150
Gary, he's called.
- Mmmm... - Gary Jackson.
34
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:19,280
I'd forgotten it was Valentine's Day.
Forgotten?
35
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:25,030
It's one of those things that goes right
over my head. Where did she met him?
36
00:03:25,085 --> 00:03:30,595
Oh, he came into the shop once or
twice, then he's asked her out.
37
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:34,150
Not that I didn't want to ask you out.
But it wasn't...
38
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,150
It shouldn't have been obviously,
39
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:39,510
quite so obvious or full-on
as that would seem to suggest.
40
00:03:39,565 --> 00:03:43,275
- And now I've offended you. - No!
I'm such a...
41
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:47,270
No, no, you haven't, Gary. Honestly.
I just...
42
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:51,750
I wanted a chance just to talk to
you and now... - It's fine. - Is it?
43
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:55,190
It'd take more than that to
offend me. Really, believe me.
44
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:59,680
I've been offended by people who really
know what they're talking about.
45
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,720
You look really nice. So do you.
46
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:10,710
I've booked a table for two.
Half past seven.
47
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:12,120
Gary Jackson.
48
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,670
Your bonuses are
on quantum physics.
49
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,590
Heisenberg's original uncertainty
relation concerned
50
00:04:19,645 --> 00:04:23,755
which two observable properties of
a particle? Position and momentum.
51
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:28,590
Yeah, location and momentum.
Position and momentum is correct, yes.
52
00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,030
Quantitatively, the product
of the two uncertainties
53
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:35,190
is always greater than or equal to
the unreduced Planck's constant,
54
00:04:35,245 --> 00:04:38,485
H, divided by what number? Four pi.
55
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:44,990
Come along. Let's have it, please.
Four pi.
56
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,471
Quickly. It's four pi! Hello!
57
00:04:48,476 --> 00:04:51,990
- Speed of light? - It's four pi.
No shit.
58
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:53,760
I'm turning this off.
59
00:04:56,600 --> 00:05:00,990
Oh, guess what! Gillian's got a date.
Has she? Gillian?
60
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:02,350
- This bloke just... - What bloke?
61
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:07,110
.. came into the shop, apparently,
and asked her out. Oh, that's romantic.
62
00:05:07,165 --> 00:05:10,595
- Is it? - Isn't it?
Oh, it's very Gillian.
63
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,870
I can never work out whether
you love Gillian to bits,
64
00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:17,390
or if you think she's a complete
plonker. Well, it's kind of...
65
00:05:17,445 --> 00:05:18,805
both.
66
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:25,720
I've got something else for you...
67
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:31,480
.. as well as the card and the
flowers and the chocolate. What?
68
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,640
(OK.)
69
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,320
You know Christmas? Yeah.
70
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,880
I was so happy when, you know...
71
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:52,240
And I was thinking, with the baby
nearly due and everything...
72
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,120
Should...
73
00:05:58,280 --> 00:05:59,400
Shall...
74
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:06,960
Why don't we get married? Properly...
75
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,400
.. married.
76
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:17,320
Is that a...? What is that?
77
00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:35,110
OK. I'm going to tell you this
thing that happened to me recently.
78
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:37,840
OK. - It's a story. - Yeah...
79
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:44,600
My mother died. Oh, God, I'm sorry.
80
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,360
This is six, seven months ago.
August, August 15th.
81
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,310
Er, she was 77. She'd been ill.
82
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,470
And anyway, I was sorting through
the house, going through her things,
83
00:06:56,520 --> 00:07:00,110
me and my brother.
And I found a marriage certificate,
84
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:04,430
her and my dad's marriage certificate,
in an old biscuit tin under the stairs,
85
00:07:04,485 --> 00:07:08,315
which I'd never seen before,
not surprisingly because...
86
00:07:08,365 --> 00:07:11,635
it turns out they got married
not in 1966
87
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,390
when they'd always told us
they'd got married, but in 1967.
88
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:19,430
Exact same date they'd always
celebrated, but one whole year later,
89
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,350
which would also mean that
when they got married...
90
00:07:22,405 --> 00:07:26,955
she was already pregnant,
four or five months... with me.
91
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:31,480
You know, these things happen.
Well, less so then. No, it's a myth.
92
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:36,750
Does it matter?
Yeah. No, well, no, not in itself.
93
00:07:36,805 --> 00:07:38,995
OK.
94
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:43,350
So, anyway, I just happened to mention
this to my Auntie Jean, my dad's sister.
95
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:48,230
She's in her eighties, 85, she lives
up Siddal. This was over Christmas.
96
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,070
Anyway,
I said it and she went a bit quiet.
97
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,990
And then, eventually,
eventually, she said...
98
00:07:55,045 --> 00:08:00,005
"Well, I suppose if I don't tell you,
"there's no-one left that can."
99
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:06,270
"Gordon wasn't your real dad." (No way!)
100
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,270
- Yeah. - Wow. God.
101
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:12,990
Apparently, my mother had
a relationship, a fling,
102
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:17,710
with a man who was married. And then
she went and got pregnant with me.
103
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:20,830
And my dad, being my dad, or the
man who I always thought was my dad,
104
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:24,470
he, he,
he'd always had a soft spot for her
105
00:08:24,525 --> 00:08:26,915
and they were friends
and basically...
106
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:29,915
he must've agreed to
pretend that I was his.
107
00:08:29,965 --> 00:08:33,005
My God. So that's...
Wow, so that's, er...
108
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,150
.. a shock.
109
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:40,440
He was a nice man, my dad, I never
had any reason to imagine that...
110
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:46,470
Well, why would you? So?
So I said to my Auntie Jean,
111
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:51,270
"Well, who was my real dad, then?
"This man that was married."
112
00:08:51,325 --> 00:08:55,765
And she said...
"It was that Buttershaw fella."
113
00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:01,750
I mean, it's a long time ago,
obviously, but she seemed very sure.
114
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:06,320
And so the thing is... Hang on. Hang on.
115
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:11,440
Which Buttershaw fella? Your dad.
116
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,710
In 1966? - Yeah. - No.
117
00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:22,715
No, er... He married my mum in 1957.
118
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:27,150
Yeah, well, OK. But... Do you know how
many Buttershaws there are round here?
119
00:09:27,205 --> 00:09:30,845
I do, yeah.
Can I just get to the end of the story?
120
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,590
OK, go on.
121
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:38,390
So when she said, "It was that
Buttershaw fella", I said, "Who?"
122
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,360
and, and, and she said,
"Him in the Courier."
123
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:53,200
"Celia and Alan find
wedded bliss after 60 years."
124
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,640
She said, "That's him."
125
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,710
Is she senile?
No. She can't get about like she did,
126
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:07,640
but mentally,
she's bright as a button.
127
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,990
OK. What you, er...
128
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:16,200
Bless your auntie,
but what you have to understand, Gary...
129
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,470
.. is that my dad isn't like that.
130
00:10:20,525 --> 00:10:24,835
Well, I don't know, obviously. I've...
I've not met him.
131
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:28,190
It sounds to me...
I'm just telling you what she's said.
132
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:29,950
It does sound to me like
133
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:34,115
she's seen a photo
of somebody in the paper
134
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,160
and she's just latched on to it.
135
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:43,390
Would he do a blood test? No. Look,
Gillian, I don't want anything, Gillian.
136
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:48,150
I just... It's just that, now I've
started getting a little bit used
137
00:10:48,205 --> 00:10:52,125
to the idea that my dad
wasn't my dad...
138
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,360
.. I want to know
where I came from.
139
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,790
Oh, hang on. So that day when we
got chatting in Greenhoughs...
140
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,680
Yeah, that was... Yeah.
Yeah, that wasn't entirely...
141
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,270
A friend of mine recognised you
from the picture in the Courier.
142
00:11:09,325 --> 00:11:12,925
And after I'd told him this
business that my auntie'd said...
143
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,910
I didn't know it was Valentine's
Day when I suggested tonight!
144
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:21,080
And I'm really sorry
if you got the wrong idea.
145
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:23,990
And I approached
you rather than him
146
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:26,310
cos in the Courier it said
that he'd had a heart attack.
147
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:30,240
So I didn't want to go giving him a
shock, obviously. Well, that's, er...
148
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:37,680
He loved my mum.
They were nice, happy people.
149
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,280
I'd just been born in 1965.
150
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,920
He wouldn't have been mucking
about with somebody!
151
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,520
And you couldn't
broach it with him?
152
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,440
She's barking up the wrong tree.
153
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:16,630
Are you up? I'm just taking
Alan a cup of tea in bed.
154
00:12:16,685 --> 00:12:20,355
Just quickly, Kate and...
Oh, did you have a nice evening?
155
00:12:20,405 --> 00:12:23,875
- Perfect. - Good.
- Kate... - Aren't we boring?
156
00:12:23,925 --> 00:12:27,435
No, you're lovely.
I know what they were all thinking.
157
00:12:27,485 --> 00:12:31,075
"Dozy old beggars."
- All who? - In the restaurant.
158
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:33,910
I couldn't give a monkey's.
No, well, that's...
159
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,910
That's one of the joys
of getting older.
160
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,150
You'll find you give less
and less of a monkey's.
161
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,110
Yeah, good.
Sorry, I'm in a rush, Mum.
162
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,430
You won't like this but me
and Kate, we're going to...
163
00:12:42,485 --> 00:12:47,235
We're going to h-have, h-have...
- A bath? - No. - A party? - No.
164
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:51,710
A fortnight in the Bananas?
We're going to get married. So, er...
165
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,400
So we've chosen a date.
166
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,230
Why do you assume
I wouldn't like it?
167
00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:02,190
Well, I know you're... I know it's all,
you know... outside your comfort zone.
168
00:13:02,245 --> 00:13:03,955
I don't know why you think that.
169
00:13:04,005 --> 00:13:07,005
There's no-one more broad-minded
than me and Alan.
170
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,790
What's so funny? No, I'm pleased.
171
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:15,710
I know you like to think I'm
stuck in the Dark Ages... Well...
172
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:19,310
Well, what?
No, I'm pleased. I am, I'm pleased.
173
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,680
I often flick through the G2
when Alan buys a Guardian.
174
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,070
It won't be a big do,
it'll be very discreet.
175
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,870
Just immediate family
and one or two friends.
176
00:13:28,925 --> 00:13:32,435
- OK. - So,
the Friday of half term. Hopefully.
177
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,950
We're going to see if we can book
a nice little function room
178
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,360
in a nice little hotel.
179
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:41,030
It's... I just...
We felt that, with the baby on its way,
180
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:45,350
we ought to make it as official as we
can. Then it's, you know, it's official.
181
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:49,350
What will it call you when it arrives?
The baby. Will you be its dad?
182
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:50,720
No, I'll be its mum.
183
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,670
I'll... It'll have two mums.
184
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,920
- Won't it get confused? - No.
185
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:03,270
A child needs a father. Mum, gay
couples bring up children all the time.
186
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:07,110
It's perfectly normal.
No, it's not normal, is it?
187
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:11,670
That's not the right word.
It's becoming increasingly normal.
188
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:15,030
It'll have two very responsible,
mature, loving parents.
189
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:19,030
- And that's... - Oh.
- .. all that matters. But no dad?
190
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,310
No dad. What the hell is
so fantastic about dads?
191
00:14:21,365 --> 00:14:26,075
Look at my dad, look at John! They're
a liability. Alan's not a bad dad.
192
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:27,510
No, well, Gillian's very lucky.
193
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:31,230
I sometimes think you've turned out
the way you have because of your dad.
194
00:14:31,285 --> 00:14:35,955
Do you? Well, he wasn't a role model,
was he, your father?
195
00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:39,155
- I thought you thought
it was your fault. - My fault? No.
196
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,110
Kate said that when you
went round to her house
197
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,150
to apologise after you'd
fallen out with Alan,
198
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,230
you said you were worried
it was all your fault.
199
00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:49,235
Yes, because of your dad
being ineffectual as a man.
200
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:53,510
So I projected things,
ideas and expectations, onto you.
201
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:57,590
Oh, so that's my dad's fault,
that you projected "expectations"?
202
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:02,550
Yeah, in a sense. In a very obvious
sense. I thought you were in a rush.
203
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,830
Yeah, but you do know that's
all bollocks, don't you?
204
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:08,270
I was born this way, to quote Lady Gaga.
Oh, I like Lady Gaga.
205
00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:11,565
- Do you? - Mmmm, she's nuts.
I'm going now.
206
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:18,030
She reckons to be a lesbian. I'll
bet she isn't, no more than you are.
207
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:21,765
You know... I'm going to work.
OK. Tata, love.
208
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,870
Guess the latest.
209
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:33,390
Nigel Farage has thrown in the
towel after realising it's not 1957.
210
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:38,390
No. They're getting "married".
211
00:15:38,445 --> 00:15:42,235
The lesbians. Aww!
212
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:45,750
"A little do," she says. Thank God.
213
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:50,160
Are we going all Atilla the Hun again,
dear? Oh, they do what they want.
214
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:55,320
I told her, I said, "We're very
broad-minded, me and Alan."
215
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:03,030
Why are you smiling?
I think they're very well suited.
216
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:06,840
Well, apart from the fact that
they're both women, yes, possibly.
217
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:13,350
I thought we'd gone beyond this. It's
for the baby. It's so it's all official.
218
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,710
I said, "Oh,
will you be the father?"
219
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:22,110
She didn't like that.
They're both going to be mums.
220
00:16:22,165 --> 00:16:25,555
I said, "Well,
it'll get very confused".
221
00:16:25,605 --> 00:16:27,515
Will it 'eck.
222
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:31,070
No, I suppose one black one,
one white one...
223
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,200
it'll soon know its colours.
224
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,080
More tea, archbishop?
225
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,720
Aye, go on.
226
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:46,750
Then we'll have to get our skates on
or Harry will wonder where we are.
227
00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:50,875
What time's he due in court? Dozy sod.
228
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:54,110
Oh, I knew they'd be late. I said
they should've driven over last night
229
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:57,840
so there wouldn't be a panic.
Yeah, well, I'm here now, so come on.
230
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,950
I could've rung our Yvonne,
but she'd not have come.
231
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,350
She'd have said, "Call a taxi,"
which is all very well and good,
232
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:10,190
but it's moral support you want as
much as anything. 'Course it is.
233
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:14,150
And she won't want the humiliation.
Oh, Harry, you made a mistake.
234
00:17:14,205 --> 00:17:16,755
It was a mistake!
Anyone could've done it.
235
00:17:16,805 --> 00:17:19,835
That were the first thing
the lockkeeper said.
236
00:17:19,885 --> 00:17:24,355
What time you meeting your solicitor?
Oh...
237
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,710
That over-priced pillock. Ten to.
238
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:31,190
Eh, how did you get on last night?
Didn't you have a date?
239
00:17:31,245 --> 00:17:35,405
Oh, yeah. Er...
Turns out he's not my sort.
240
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,960
I thought you liked all sorts. No.
241
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:42,680
Not always.
242
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,120
Harry. Did you...
243
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:52,950
You and me dad...
did you ever know a Mary Kershaw,
244
00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:57,715
from up Siddal? I don't think I ever
knew anyone from up Siddal. Why?
245
00:17:57,765 --> 00:18:00,805
Ey up. Where've you been?
246
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,510
You've got a phone call
with Alec Bracewell
247
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,950
from the Independent Schools
Association in ten minutes.
248
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:14,190
They're after you delivering the keynote
lecture at the conference in March.
249
00:18:14,245 --> 00:18:18,915
You're seeing Cressida Wade's parents
at 9:45, your HODs meeting is at break,
250
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,430
then you've got the architects
in again at 11 o'clock.
251
00:18:21,485 --> 00:18:23,955
And then you've got the year reps.
252
00:18:24,005 --> 00:18:28,365
Oh, and then first thing after lunch,
you're teaching!
253
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:34,270
Good God, am I? Oh, and your
step-sister rang on your mobile.
254
00:18:34,325 --> 00:18:38,595
Gillian? She said she's sorry to be
ringing you when you're working,
255
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,440
but can you ring her back, ASAP?
It's important.
256
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,990
I told you I'd never get in
the back of that bloody thing!
257
00:18:45,045 --> 00:18:48,115
I don't know why they bother pretending
sports cars have a back seat.
258
00:18:48,165 --> 00:18:50,365
It's nobbut a shelf
for your shopping.
259
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:57,070
So you're going to be all right
without this for an hour or two?
260
00:18:57,125 --> 00:19:00,075
Yeah, like I say,
I've a ewe to take to the vet.
261
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:04,470
So long as you don't mind me wedging
her in the passenger seat? Celia?
262
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:09,110
Yeah, you could probably get two more
on the back seat, back shelf, as well.
263
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:12,150
Yeah, I'll lay a bit of straw down
and then it won't make so much mess.
264
00:19:12,205 --> 00:19:14,605
- Yeah!
- Yeah, you're both so funny.
265
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:21,350
Right, you just remember to mind your Ps
and Qs, Harry! Be polite to the judge.
266
00:19:23,125 --> 00:19:27,115
(Oh, shit.) - Caroline! - 'Gillian.'
267
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,590
- Oh, is it Caroline? - Can I ring
you back? In, like, ten minutes.
268
00:19:30,645 --> 00:19:34,595
Beverley said you said it's important.
It is. It is.
269
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,710
Can you just give us ten minutes?
270
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:40,880
Well, ring me back when you're ready.
I'm in my office. OK, I will! Tata.
271
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,680
Good luck! Break a leg!
272
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,320
Dozy sod.
273
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,910
So, that's it.
I left the restaurant. I walked out.
274
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,190
Thing is, though, if I don't broach
the subject with my dad, he will.
275
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,710
And then what?
Well, look, either he is or he isn't.
276
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,950
And if he isn't, he'll just laugh,
surely. And if he is, well...
277
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,710
it's not going to come as
a surprise to him, is it?
278
00:20:12,765 --> 00:20:16,555
He knows whether or not he had a fling.
Yeah, but he just wouldn't.
279
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,830
Oh, when my mum told me about
my dad being a bit of a one,
280
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,310
I couldn't take it in.
281
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:23,230
"My dad?! Not my dad. My dad
wouldn't do something like that."
282
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,360
But he had. He did.
283
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:31,670
And more than once. Did he... What?
284
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:35,710
.. have other kids, another family?
Oh, no, no, nothing...
285
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:40,080
Well, not that I know of. Well,
you wouldn't necessarily, would you?
286
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:49,550
There was this... thing...
287
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:53,120
last night when we were talking.
288
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,080
What thing?
289
00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:01,590
What was your mother's name?
Before she married your dad?
290
00:21:01,645 --> 00:21:03,445
Kershaw. Mary Kershaw.
291
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,080
What was she like?
292
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:11,470
Oh, well,
she had a great sense of humour.
293
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,070
No, I mean, what did she look like?
294
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:15,590
Oh, yeah, no. Well, she was
quite attractive. I've got a...
295
00:21:15,645 --> 00:21:17,325
- Have you got a photo? - Yeah.
296
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:29,000
When I was little, we had a bureau
at the top of the stairs.
297
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,080
And I used to entertain
myself for hours...
298
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:37,830
.. going through all the little
drawers and tiny cupboards.
299
00:21:37,885 --> 00:21:39,245
There was all sorts.
300
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,840
And I remember this little tin box.
301
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:49,960
It was red and it had a lock on it,
but it never worked.
302
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,400
And on the lid, in gold letters,
it said...
303
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:02,480
"Tall oaks from
little acorns grow."
304
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:07,600
And inside there was foreign coins,
paper clips...
305
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:11,390
And there was this photo,
306
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:15,760
a little photo, a passport photo,
black and white...
307
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,040
.. of this woman.
308
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:24,320
And I had no idea who she was,
it wasn't anyone I'd ever seen.
309
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,640
And on the back...
310
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:31,200
.. it said "Mary".
311
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,760
And... did she look like...?
312
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,480
Oh, I don't know, it's hard to know.
It's so long since, but...
313
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,550
.. as far as I can recall...
314
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,870
I dunno, there might
have been a resemblance.
315
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:57,880
Could you ask him about the photo,
see what he says? See if he reacts?
316
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:00,160
Yeah.
317
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:02,480
I could.
318
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:04,920
But...
319
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,000
Are you all right?
320
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,160
He wouldn't do that to my mum.
321
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,720
No, no. God, no.
322
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:21,560
So I was thinking, er...
323
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:28,160
So the thing is, I was thinking...
Maybe you could...
324
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:31,720
.. talk to Celia...
325
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,120
.. and she could tell him.
326
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,470
You know,
it'd be better coming from her.
327
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,750
I'm terrified about his heart
condition, Caroline.
328
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,110
I don't want this thing hitting him
from out of the blue.
329
00:23:44,165 --> 00:23:46,995
Yeah, but surely...
330
00:23:47,045 --> 00:23:49,595
if it is true,
331
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:54,270
it's going to affect my mum
really badly, too. Your mum?
332
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:57,670
Oh, it destroyed her when she found
out about my dad sleeping around.
333
00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,840
I mean, it killed her,
it changed her.
334
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:06,000
Yeah, but...
even if it is him, which is stupid...
335
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:12,230
It isn't like he's been unfaithful to
her. Well, no, no, but, you know...
336
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:14,110
If he's been unfaithful, full stop,
337
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:18,910
it'd put him in the same category as my
dad in her book, wouldn't it? Would it?
338
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:22,150
Well, yeah, I think, surely,
it's got to come from you...
339
00:24:22,205 --> 00:24:25,515
if you don't want this fella
talking to Alan himself.
340
00:24:25,565 --> 00:24:27,755
Yeah, but...
341
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,590
Look, if he's a troublemaker
and it's all nonsense,
342
00:24:30,645 --> 00:24:33,805
your dad'll just say so, won't he? Yeah.
343
00:24:35,763 --> 00:24:37,123
Yeah.
344
00:24:38,411 --> 00:24:39,971
Yeah.
345
00:24:48,094 --> 00:24:51,702
What am I going to do?
I don't think you've much alternative.
346
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:55,630
Well, on the plus side, once you've sold
your house and paid off your fines,
347
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:59,230
you'd have quite a lot of money
left over to rent somewhere with.
348
00:24:59,285 --> 00:25:01,875
Or you could buy
another narrow boat.
349
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,360
I'm not going near
that canal ever again.
350
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:08,720
How did it happen? It's easily done.
351
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:13,310
Back of stern got caught
on cill in lock.
352
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:17,230
You see, already it's double Dutch.
Basically, he got back of his boat
353
00:25:17,285 --> 00:25:19,115
hooked onto the
top of the lock gate,
354
00:25:19,165 --> 00:25:21,675
so when all the water
drained out of the lock,
355
00:25:21,725 --> 00:25:25,035
the stern stayed up
stuck to the gate
356
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,520
and the bow sank down into the mud
at the bottom of the lock.
357
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:34,710
I could've been killed.
Well, you shouldn't have been kaylied.
358
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,640
It's easily done.
You don't have to be kaylied.
359
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,910
So, OK, so the bad news is that they
couldn't fit us in at half term.
360
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,350
They're fully booked,
jam-packed, wall-to-wall.
361
00:26:04,405 --> 00:26:06,875
But bizarrely, amazingly,
as luck would have it,
362
00:26:06,925 --> 00:26:11,515
they've had a cancellation
two weeks on Saturday. 11:30.
363
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:12,960
What's this for?
364
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:18,840
Oh. Well...
365
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:25,510
.. we've decided
we're going to get married.
366
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,670
It'll only be a small do,
there's no need to panic.
367
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:30,390
I was just going to ask
you and Will, Mum and Alan
368
00:26:30,445 --> 00:26:34,045
and perhaps Auntie Muriel
and a few people from work.
369
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:37,560
Right.
370
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:43,710
We thought, before the baby's born,
we ought to... you know.
371
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:45,480
You can ask Angus, if you like.
372
00:26:47,380 --> 00:26:48,780
He's probably busy.
373
00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:51,560
Well, ask him.
374
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:57,440
You hadn't told him. Sorry.
375
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:06,110
Is it too soon, a fortnight on Saturday?
No, no.
376
00:27:06,165 --> 00:27:10,380
No. The sooner, the better,
as far as I'm concerned.
377
00:27:10,385 --> 00:27:11,815
How's the nursery?
378
00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:17,000
Oh, here we go.
379
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:22,190
- John. - Caroline? Speaking.
380
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,960
I just... I wondered, er...
381
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:31,070
Are you all right? Yeah. No.
382
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:32,640
Judith's, er, she's...
383
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:36,000
She's lost the baby.
384
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,480
We've been in hospital all day.
385
00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:45,030
But she's over 30... What's the matter?
386
00:27:45,085 --> 00:27:48,715
Yes, it's... (Judith's lost the baby.)
387
00:27:48,765 --> 00:27:51,565
How? It's been awful.
388
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:55,320
She had to give birth.
389
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:58,760
Oh, good Lord.
390
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:03,270
They said it was the only way,
with it being 30 weeks.
391
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:07,630
Apparently that's... that's what you do,
so... (She had to give birth.)
392
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:12,520
So it's been pretty drawn out.
And distressing in one way and another.
393
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:17,320
I couldn't pop round, could I?
394
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:22,270
(Can he pop round?) 'Course.
395
00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:23,840
Yes, of course you can.
396
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,880
I never even wanted it. No.
397
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,510
But I didn't want this either.
398
00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:35,240
I wouldn't wish this on anyone,
it's been...
399
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:38,440
Just sad, actually. Just...
400
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:41,240
.. so sad.
401
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:44,630
This little person who should've...
402
00:28:44,685 --> 00:28:48,315
run around and grazed her knees
403
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:52,030
and grown up and lived
to a ripe old age and...
404
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:54,400
breathed the air
long after we were gone.
405
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:59,320
And she won't.
She didn't even get to start.
406
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:03,680
She just gets nothing...
407
00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:08,040
.. forever. Was it...
408
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:13,400
.. definitely a she?
Yes. Yes, a little girl.
409
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:18,240
Life's so precious...
410
00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:23,470
.. and we just take it for granted,
don't we?
411
00:29:23,525 --> 00:29:25,045
Squander it.
412
00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:29,360
He's in shock. You're in shock.
413
00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:33,080
Yeah.
414
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:47,110
- That's not fair.
- He'd invalidated his insurance.
415
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:51,110
- He's 75. - He were drunk! You can't
make a man his age sell his house!
416
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:53,230
And how else is he going to
pay all his costs?
417
00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:59,790
- Have you told Mum? - No.
How long do they give you to pay it?
418
00:29:59,845 --> 00:30:04,395
28 days. You can't. They can't expect
you to sell your house in 28 days!
419
00:30:04,445 --> 00:30:08,635
How else is he going to raise that
kind of money? She needs a bottle.
420
00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:12,830
Come on, then. Tuppence.
Right! Well, I'll go find our Gillian,
421
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:14,990
find out what it was
she wanted to talk to me about.
422
00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:19,240
Do you want me to come with you?
No, no, you stay... where it's warm.
423
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:27,160
I'm going to get changed.
All right, love.
424
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,800
Hey, what's up? Breeched.
425
00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:46,040
I'll sort her out.
What did you want to talk to me about?
426
00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:52,040
Oh, OK. Well...
427
00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:55,160
It's a bit delicate.
428
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:03,470
Do you remember, when I was little,
in the house up Barkisland...
429
00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:05,830
there was the bureau
at the top of the stairs?
430
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:07,960
- Oh. - And in it, there was all...
stuff.
431
00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:13,110
And do you remember
a little tin box,
432
00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:16,280
with a red cover,
in the shape of a book?
433
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,720
"Tall oaks from
little acorns grow."
434
00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:25,910
And in it,
there was a photo of a woman.
435
00:31:25,965 --> 00:31:30,075
And on the back, it said "Mary."
436
00:31:30,125 --> 00:31:31,405
Did it?
437
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:35,800
Yeah. Yeah, it did.
438
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:45,280
Did you ever know a woman
called Mary Kershaw?
439
00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:48,160
No.
440
00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:52,280
No. No, I don't think so.
441
00:31:55,720 --> 00:31:59,950
I don't want to upset you.
Well, you haven't told me owt yet.
442
00:32:00,005 --> 00:32:01,205
OK. So...
443
00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:03,680
OK, so...
444
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:09,030
.. as mum always used to
always say to me...
445
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:12,160
"I won't be cross,
if you just tell me the truth."
446
00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:20,800
Did you ever have
a fling with someone...
447
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:25,040
.. after you married me mum? No!
448
00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:27,560
Course I didn't!
449
00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:31,560
- Don't be so silly. - Right.
450
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:37,070
Why would you think that?
So who was this Mary?
451
00:32:37,125 --> 00:32:40,955
- I've no idea. - Mary in the tin.
- I've got no idea.
452
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,630
Have you still got that tin?
You know the tin I mean?
453
00:32:43,685 --> 00:32:46,675
I threw a lot of stuff out
when I moved in here.
454
00:32:46,725 --> 00:32:49,485
Yes, yes, I know the tin you mean.
455
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:54,320
It were a savings box
from the Post Office.
456
00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:58,120
(OK.)
457
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:06,280
You know yesterday,
my date with Gary?
458
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:09,360
Gary Jackson.
459
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:14,360
Well, it turns out it wasn't me
he was interested in...
460
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:17,960
.. it was you.
461
00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:22,400
He thinks...
462
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:28,030
He thinks you had a fling...
463
00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:30,920
with his mother, Mary Kershaw...
464
00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:34,360
.. and that you're his dad.
465
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:40,040
Look, if it isn't true, it doesn't
matter! I told him it'd be rubbish.
466
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:48,230
It's just, I promised him...
I'd ask you, because...
467
00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:51,320
Because he was a nice man,
actually, and...
468
00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:56,310
.. if I didn't ask you,
I was worried he would.
469
00:33:56,360 --> 00:33:59,600
Neither of us wanted to upset you,
with your heart.
470
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:04,280
What does he want? Nothing. Just...
471
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:10,830
Just to know, I suppose. Right, well,
472
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:14,480
he needs to know he's got hold
of wrong end of t'stick.
473
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:19,950
- He asked if you'd do a blood
test. - No, I damn well won't.
474
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:24,200
Right. Good. OK.
Well, I'll tell him that. Cheeky beggar.
475
00:34:25,240 --> 00:34:26,560
OK.
476
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:31,840
Well, is that it, then?
- Can I go? - Sure.
477
00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:42,880
Are you all right?
478
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:46,720
I did love your mum.
479
00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:49,720
I know.
480
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:52,920
I know that.
481
00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:55,280
I didn't...
482
00:34:57,720 --> 00:35:00,440
I didn't know there'd been a child.
483
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:05,520
Wow.
484
00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:10,630
It's shameful,
a fella in his 70s being ordered
485
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:14,510
by some over-privileged, toffee-nosed
twat of a judge to sell his house.
486
00:35:14,565 --> 00:35:17,835
He could've killed someone.
Yeah, but he didn't.
487
00:35:17,885 --> 00:35:19,955
He was enjoying his retirement!
He had a mishap.
488
00:35:20,005 --> 00:35:22,755
Which would all have been fine
had he not been over the limit.
489
00:35:22,805 --> 00:35:25,115
Who is it that he actually
owes the money to?
490
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:28,750
Who is it that's taken him to court?
The council? No! It's erm... Who is it?
491
00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:32,920
- Waterways and Rivers Authority.
- Yeah, them. Evil bastards.
492
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:08,440
Your mum never knew.
493
00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:15,510
It finished before it even started,
really.
494
00:36:15,565 --> 00:36:19,795
It were... ridiculous. An embarrassment.
495
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:21,640
It should never have happened.
496
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,240
How do you know she didn't know?
She didn't.
497
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:33,350
I'll have to take your word for it.
498
00:36:33,405 --> 00:36:37,285
What does he want? Nothing.
499
00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:42,790
I think he just wanted to know...
500
00:36:42,845 --> 00:36:46,085
for a fact, if it was true.
501
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:52,240
What does he look like?
502
00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:00,720
You, actually.
503
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:07,470
Taller. He's very dapper.
504
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:11,550
He's very charming. - What does he
do for a living? - I've got no idea.
505
00:37:11,605 --> 00:37:15,555
- He married? - I don't know. - Kids?
Yes, three - Tim, Toots and Teeny(!)
506
00:37:15,605 --> 00:37:19,925
I've got no idea. There's no
need to be snippy. Oh, really?
507
00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:28,030
I don't think we should
tell Celia about this.
508
00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:29,760
What good would it do?
509
00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:34,990
Or is it a mistake
not telling Celia?
510
00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:37,510
- I don't know. - I don't like
having secrets from Celia.
511
00:37:37,565 --> 00:37:39,805
No. No, after all, it...
512
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:45,440
It's not like it's her
you've been unfaithful to, is it?
513
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:51,160
No, just me mum.
514
00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:55,240
And me.
515
00:37:57,080 --> 00:37:58,870
On the other hand,
516
00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:02,550
as Caroline pointed out, being
unfaithful full stop in Celia's mind
517
00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:06,350
could put you in the same category,
the same...
518
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:10,550
doghouse, as Kenneth. What the
hell does Caroline know about it?
519
00:38:10,605 --> 00:38:13,875
I mentioned it... on the phone.
I didn't know how to tell you,
520
00:38:13,925 --> 00:38:16,435
so I thought if I told Caroline
she could tell Celia,
521
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:17,870
and then Celia could tell you.
522
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,200
But then Caroline pointed out
that that might not...
523
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:25,110
.. be a great idea.
Fancy telling Caroline!
524
00:38:25,165 --> 00:38:28,805
Eh, don't you get...
shirty-bertie with me.
525
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,760
So... what do you think?
526
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:42,320
About meeting him?
527
00:38:44,240 --> 00:38:45,800
I'd need to think about it.
528
00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:49,840
OK.
529
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:57,880
Have you taken your pills? Yeah.
530
00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:11,600
She wants to go buying another
hat in the morning, Celia does.
531
00:39:12,840 --> 00:39:14,880
Caroline and Kate are getting wed.
532
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:19,520
- Did she tell you? - No.
533
00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:38,350
I think you've got to bite the bullet.
I have.
534
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:41,470
I've rung t'estate agent,
that one down Ripponden.
535
00:39:41,525 --> 00:39:46,515
She's popping up this aft.
I'm very good at selling houses.
536
00:39:46,560 --> 00:39:50,310
I've sold four,
and we always got the asking price.
537
00:39:50,365 --> 00:39:52,315
What you need, Harry,
538
00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:55,550
is a good tidy up
and a lick of paint.
539
00:39:55,605 --> 00:39:59,475
I have tidied up. When? Recently?
540
00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:02,960
Yeah, just before you came. OK.
541
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:08,470
I think what somebody'd be buying
with a house like this
542
00:40:08,525 --> 00:40:12,515
is personality. I think...
I'm only giving you an opinion.
543
00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:13,710
No, go on.
544
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:17,550
I think your definition of tidied
up and somebody else's might differ.
545
00:40:17,605 --> 00:40:19,635
Well, yeah, obviously.
546
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:22,950
But anybody with an ounce of wit
could see it's got potential.
547
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:25,030
And you couldn't
put a price on t'view
548
00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:28,230
- out of that velux window
in the attic. - No, no.
549
00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:32,150
I think that's your big selling point.
It's a blank canvas.
550
00:40:32,205 --> 00:40:36,445
Have you thought where you
might move to if it did sell?
551
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:41,710
I'd not move in with our Yvonne.
- No. - No.
552
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,710
Even if she asked me -
which she wouldn't.
553
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:48,670
I've got an appointment with local
housing. I rang them this morning.
554
00:40:48,725 --> 00:40:52,845
Nice girl.
But obviously there's a waiting list.
555
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:58,760
Right!
Shall we make tracks, Mr Buttershaw?
556
00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:05,110
I don't suppose I could move in at farm?
No, you couldn't. There's not room.
557
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:08,270
Aye, but you and Celia have got
your little pad in Harrogate,
558
00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:12,360
happen I could doss in your room.
Don't be so bloody daft.
559
00:41:18,520 --> 00:41:22,710
You don't have to come, man.
I don't mind coming, dude.
560
00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:24,950
It'll be, like, boring, dude.
561
00:41:25,005 --> 00:41:28,355
So what?
Saturdays are, like, boring anyway.
562
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:32,990
They'd better not read out,
like, any poems. Why not?
563
00:41:33,040 --> 00:41:37,150
Cos that will be truly embarrassing.
Sorry, mate.
564
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:39,910
Oh, yeah.
Cos poems are, like, truly...
565
00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:43,390
Poems, no. Not poems as such,
but poems that a lesbeano...
566
00:41:43,445 --> 00:41:48,005
What? What's that? It's nothing.
- What is it? - Nothing!
567
00:41:51,735 --> 00:41:54,335
It's not worth it.
It's not worth it!
568
00:42:02,679 --> 00:42:06,828
Who was it? - No-one. - Who was it?
569
00:42:06,833 --> 00:42:08,506
- No-one. - Who was it?
570
00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:11,280
Seb Dixon.
571
00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:17,670
Could you phone Sebastian Dixon's
parents for me
572
00:42:17,720 --> 00:42:20,670
and explain to them that he's been
involved in a homophobic incident?
573
00:42:20,725 --> 00:42:24,315
Do you have to...? And that I'd like to
see them at their earliest convenience?
574
00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:26,030
Yes, I do have to.
575
00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:28,670
Are you coming a fortnight on
Saturday, Angus, to the wedding?
576
00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:31,720
Has Lawrence invited you?
Yep. Thank you.
577
00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:35,630
Nobody is going to bully
or humiliate or ridicule me...
578
00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:39,000
- It's not just about...!
- .. or anyone. ANYONE...
579
00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:42,520
.. in this school.
580
00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:52,800
Dark horse, isn't he, your dad? Yup.
581
00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:56,200
You all right?
582
00:42:57,880 --> 00:43:01,350
I ought to be really...
cross with him.
583
00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:03,680
I am really... cross with him.
584
00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:06,880
My mum.
585
00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:10,440
It's my mum and he's...
586
00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:15,160
And she never knew... he says.
587
00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:20,640
But how can I be cross with him,
with his heart? I can't say, "You..."
588
00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:24,110
".. shag bandit."
589
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:28,110
And all the stuff
he's called ME over t'years!
590
00:43:28,165 --> 00:43:31,765
Was it just that once? He says.
591
00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:35,360
Do you think there were others?
592
00:43:37,040 --> 00:43:39,280
I've not asked.
I don't want to know.
593
00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:45,350
I can't imagine there were.
594
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:49,950
But Caroline says she couldn't
imagine her dad... How did it happen?
595
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:53,550
How does a fella like your dad end up
getting into bed with somebody else?
596
00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:56,280
I don't, I've not...
I'm not going there.
597
00:43:57,600 --> 00:44:02,040
Maybe it was an in-the-back-of-a-car,
knee-tremble-type job. Shh!
598
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:08,230
So does Celia know?
No. Shit, no. Not yet.
599
00:44:08,280 --> 00:44:10,960
Is he going to tell her? I don't know.
600
00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:15,560
So what's he after, this Gary?
601
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:21,390
Nothing. Money? - No. - Compensation?
602
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:26,160
No. He doesn't seem short of money.
Yeah, well, don't you be fooled.
603
00:44:32,560 --> 00:44:36,430
Caroline and Kate are getting married.
Are they?
604
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:39,830
Are they? Apparently.
605
00:44:39,885 --> 00:44:41,595
You going?
606
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:45,230
Just the toffs been invited,
by the sound of things.
607
00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:54,070
How's Cheryl? Ohh...
608
00:44:54,120 --> 00:44:55,680
she wants a new kitchen.
609
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:06,920
Oh, damn.
610
00:45:07,960 --> 00:45:11,470
Do you think this colour's
too rich? Too vivid?
611
00:45:11,525 --> 00:45:15,195
Should I have gone for
something more pastelly?
612
00:45:15,245 --> 00:45:19,155
I've no idea.
Well, I'm asking for an opinion.
613
00:45:19,205 --> 00:45:21,245
I think it looks very nice.
614
00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:27,760
- What's up? - Nothing.
You've been quiet all day.
615
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:32,720
Why were you so snippy with Harry?
Sorry.
616
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:35,280
I love you.
617
00:45:36,520 --> 00:45:38,040
I love you.
618
00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:45,910
Do you remember when
you came out of hospital?
619
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:50,270
You said you'd decided it was time to
give life a real kick up the trousers?
620
00:45:50,325 --> 00:45:52,355
Yeah.
621
00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:56,230
Kenneth's sister
lives in Australia.
622
00:45:56,280 --> 00:46:01,030
Deborah. Debbie.
We always got on. You see. What?
623
00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:04,760
There's stuff about each other
we still don't know.
624
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:09,750
Toowoomba.
It's just left of Brisbane.
625
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:12,830
Her husband got a post
with the university.
626
00:46:12,880 --> 00:46:15,590
Education. He taught people
how to be teachers.
627
00:46:15,645 --> 00:46:20,515
Course, he's retired now. Has been
for 20 years. Do you keep in touch?
628
00:46:20,565 --> 00:46:24,595
An e-mail at Christmas.
I told her about us.
629
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:26,520
She was really happy for us.
630
00:46:29,680 --> 00:46:31,310
We've got all this money
631
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:35,510
that we reckon to be spending
on buying a house.
632
00:46:35,565 --> 00:46:39,795
But the alternative - and I never
thought I'd hear myself say this,
633
00:46:39,845 --> 00:46:41,675
cos all my life I've been a saver -
634
00:46:41,725 --> 00:46:46,235
is that we spend it
doing something daft.
635
00:46:46,285 --> 00:46:49,115
Something memorable.
636
00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:53,430
Do you fancy getting away? A holiday.
637
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:58,030
A big trip. We could go and
see Ted and all their lot.
638
00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:01,520
Yes. Yes, I would.
639
00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:22,160
I got your text.
640
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:27,720
Hi. Hi.
641
00:47:30,480 --> 00:47:32,190
Erm...
642
00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:37,190
I've got a break in, like, a half an
hour or so... if you fancy a coffee.
643
00:47:37,245 --> 00:47:38,605
OK.
644
00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:42,400
But the basic, erm...
645
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:46,440
.. gist is that it's...
646
00:47:48,640 --> 00:47:49,880
It's true.
647
00:47:51,520 --> 00:47:53,000
He's your dad.
648
00:47:54,280 --> 00:47:56,200
He's your father.
649
00:47:58,280 --> 00:47:59,680
My father is...
650
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:08,280
Blimey.
651
00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:14,280
Shocked. Upset.
652
00:48:15,320 --> 00:48:16,880
Really?
653
00:48:18,520 --> 00:48:21,000
Well, it's tricky for him,
with Celia.
654
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:24,950
Her first husband
was a bit of a one,
655
00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:28,150
so it wasn't a very happy marriage.
656
00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:31,270
Whereas, you see,
she thinks me dad,
657
00:48:31,325 --> 00:48:35,875
in comparison, is squeaky-clean. Ah.
658
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:40,040
- So. - Did he... Did he show
any interest in wanting to meet me?
659
00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:45,790
He asked what you looked like. - I
don't want to cause any problems. - No.
660
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:48,920
But I would like to meet him, if...
If he...
661
00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:51,960
I don't know.
662
00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:56,990
Do you think he'd want to meet me?
663
00:48:57,040 --> 00:49:01,430
I think he's worried about what it is
you'd want. I don't want anything.
664
00:49:01,485 --> 00:49:05,315
He's not loaded. It's not about money.
665
00:49:05,360 --> 00:49:06,790
No, I didn't think it was.
666
00:49:06,840 --> 00:49:11,000
I think maybe it's more
he's worried about what you expect.
667
00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:16,950
He's just...
a very ordinary little fella.
668
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:20,910
Does he not want to meet me?
He didn't... He didn't say that.
669
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:24,800
I just want to say hello, really,
I suppose, now that we know for a fact.
670
00:49:27,080 --> 00:49:28,520
I think that's all I want.
671
00:49:30,200 --> 00:49:33,480
Maybe that's not enough of a
reason, if he doesn't want to.
672
00:49:42,120 --> 00:49:43,560
I've never had a brother.
673
00:49:45,680 --> 00:49:47,200
I've never had a sister.
674
00:50:06,320 --> 00:50:08,310
- You all right? - Yeah.
675
00:50:08,365 --> 00:50:11,485
- Where's Celia? - Bathroom.
676
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:16,280
I saw Gary, this aft.
677
00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:19,720
I told him.
678
00:50:23,360 --> 00:50:24,600
He'd like to meet you.
679
00:50:25,960 --> 00:50:29,350
He asked me if you would.
I'm not... I told you, I'm not sure.
680
00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:33,200
I'd need to think about it.
- Why? - Just...
681
00:50:36,560 --> 00:50:38,160
He's a nice man.
682
00:50:42,040 --> 00:50:43,400
Morning.
683
00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:47,350
- What time are Seb's parents
coming in? - Half past nine.
684
00:50:47,405 --> 00:50:50,115
- What you going to say to them?
- Nothing. I'm not dealing with it.
685
00:50:50,165 --> 00:50:51,995
- Mr Harrison is. - Why?
686
00:50:52,045 --> 00:50:54,995
Because it's the most appropriate
way of dealing with it.
687
00:50:55,045 --> 00:50:58,755
What if Seb's parents decide to
kick up a fuss, about you being...?
688
00:50:58,800 --> 00:51:02,310
Oh, they'd be very misguided and stupid
to try anything like that.
689
00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:03,590
I'm a good head teacher,
690
00:51:03,640 --> 00:51:06,470
my private life has got nothing
to do with the quality of my work.
691
00:51:06,525 --> 00:51:10,075
Well, you know, they gave birth to Seb,
they probably are very stupid.
692
00:51:10,125 --> 00:51:12,955
He chose to raise the issue
by putting that note on your back.
693
00:51:13,005 --> 00:51:14,275
If he or his family
694
00:51:14,325 --> 00:51:17,555
are going to try and use it as a
stick to beat either you or me with,
695
00:51:17,600 --> 00:51:21,440
in the misguided belief that I'll
take it lying down, they're mistaken.
696
00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:42,990
Hi. Hi, how are things?
697
00:51:43,045 --> 00:51:47,315
Erm... fine. I've not heard
from my mother for a few days
698
00:51:47,365 --> 00:51:49,755
and I just wondered if
there'd been any developments
699
00:51:49,805 --> 00:51:54,115
with this... Gary business... situation?
700
00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:59,000
Oh, yeah. Erm, yeah.
I should've rung you. Sorry.
701
00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:03,190
- Definitely? - Apparently.
702
00:52:03,240 --> 00:52:06,230
Well, he definitely had a fling with
this woman, and the dates fit, so...
703
00:52:06,285 --> 00:52:08,835
- Yeah.
- God, you never can tell, can you?
704
00:52:08,885 --> 00:52:10,995
- My mother still doesn't know.
- Ooh.
705
00:52:11,040 --> 00:52:13,950
He's going to meet him. Apparently.
Alan's going to meet this Gary.
706
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:16,990
Gillian's fixed them up with a date
in some tea shop in Halifax next week.
707
00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:20,150
She's going to take my mother out
shopping for a new outfit for our wedding.
708
00:52:20,205 --> 00:52:23,035
So it's all going on behind her
back. She thinks her and Gillian
709
00:52:23,085 --> 00:52:25,115
are having a girlie day out when,
in fact,
710
00:52:25,160 --> 00:52:27,150
it's just a ruse
to get her out of the way.
711
00:52:27,200 --> 00:52:28,670
That's more or less
how she said it -
712
00:52:28,720 --> 00:52:30,830
"Like I'd choose "to spend a day
with your mother."
713
00:52:30,880 --> 00:52:34,950
- I thought, "Don't you damn well talk about my mother
like that". - She didn't say that. - The subtext.
714
00:52:35,005 --> 00:52:36,965
You didn't... say anything?
715
00:52:38,120 --> 00:52:40,950
Well, yes, in fact, I did.
716
00:52:41,000 --> 00:52:45,790
OK, well, Gillian, I'm sorry, and I
understand it's a difficult situation
717
00:52:45,840 --> 00:52:48,830
and I really don't want to make it
any worse than it is, but he -
718
00:52:48,880 --> 00:52:51,790
well, someone - is going to have to
tell my mother at some point,
719
00:52:51,840 --> 00:52:54,950
and if none of you do, I will.
Because my dad deceived her for years,
720
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:58,390
and I am not - NOT -
having that happen again. Ever.
721
00:53:01,320 --> 00:53:05,230
The thing is, Caroline,
nobody wants to deceive anybody.
722
00:53:05,285 --> 00:53:08,635
I just, I think if he meets him...
first
723
00:53:08,680 --> 00:53:12,670
and gets that out of the way,
sort of thing. Yeah?
724
00:53:12,725 --> 00:53:16,715
Yeah. OK.
725
00:53:16,760 --> 00:53:20,400
Right. - OK. - Thank you.
726
00:53:23,560 --> 00:53:25,790
Congratulations, by the way...
727
00:53:25,845 --> 00:53:29,085
Oh! Yeah. Thank you.
728
00:53:30,280 --> 00:53:31,760
..on being a lesbian.
729
00:53:34,240 --> 00:53:37,360
Are you busy?
A fortnight on Saturday?
730
00:53:38,480 --> 00:53:42,310
Oh, erm...
You and Raff, Ellie and the baby.
731
00:53:42,360 --> 00:53:44,680
11:30 at the Register Office
in Harrogate.
732
00:53:46,960 --> 00:53:49,070
Well, we... We...
733
00:53:49,120 --> 00:53:52,430
It's not going to be a big do,
it's not... Don't feel obliged.
734
00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:54,950
It's just us and one or two
of my friends from Oxford
735
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:56,550
and a few of
Kate's friends from UEA
736
00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:59,110
and one or two senior members
of staff, it's not...
737
00:53:59,160 --> 00:54:03,480
You know, you don't have to,
you know, feel obliged. Erm...
738
00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:06,990
Sorry, it's...
739
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:10,320
Yeah, sorry.
Damn, sorry, we're, erm...
740
00:54:11,680 --> 00:54:15,550
Well, I know it's short notice.
Sadly, yeah.
741
00:54:15,600 --> 00:54:17,590
We're, erm, yeah, busy.
742
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:21,230
Otherwise, YEAH,
we'd have loved to have... yeah...
743
00:54:21,285 --> 00:54:23,765
been there.
744
00:54:25,760 --> 00:54:30,710
OK. Hmmm. So.
745
00:54:30,760 --> 00:54:35,560
He wasn't unfaithful to HER,
though, was he?
746
00:54:38,160 --> 00:54:39,960
I don't think it matters.
747
00:54:42,440 --> 00:54:46,080
She'll be gutted. She'll be devastated.
748
00:54:47,240 --> 00:54:49,790
But I DO know she'd never forgive
me if she knew that I'd known
749
00:54:49,840 --> 00:54:51,400
and not said anything.
750
00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:03,750
I don't know why you
won't come with us!
751
00:55:03,805 --> 00:55:07,515
Oh, I don't want to go
trailing round clothes shops.
752
00:55:07,565 --> 00:55:11,525
Hey, hey, hey! Don't spend up. Ta-ta!
753
00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:16,120
Bye.
754
00:56:02,246 --> 00:56:03,446
Gary?
755
00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:05,600
Alan. Hello.
756
00:56:12,240 --> 00:56:17,110
Kate's my wife's girlfriend.
Why did you let him go with you?
757
00:56:17,160 --> 00:56:21,750
She never told me, I had NO idea.
So what did he say, what does he want?
758
00:56:21,800 --> 00:56:26,150
He asked me if we'd like to go and
have a meal, at his house. Oh, my God.
759
00:56:26,200 --> 00:56:29,950
There was an incident at work
involving Cheryl.
760
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:34,000
- I've heard the news. - Which news?
So you lost your job.
761
00:56:35,040 --> 00:56:37,830
In just over three hours' time,
762
00:56:37,880 --> 00:56:40,270
we'll be shackled
to each other forever.
763
00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:43,990
What the hell were you doing
telling Caroline for?
764
00:56:44,040 --> 00:56:47,790
He hasn't told her!
I know there's something bothering you,
765
00:56:47,840 --> 00:56:50,640
I wish you'd let on what it is.
766
00:56:50,690 --> 00:56:55,240
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